Wednesday, 24 December 2008

A Very Mercenary Christmas

Outside, in the Middle Eastern street and sands is a bitter, cold wind blowing through every nook and cranny. Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. These houses were still and silent..but little did they know, the magic of Christmas was about to touch them. Especially in one house, where the cold chill was killed by a fire in the fireplace, created by one very excited individual waiting to open presents.....

Steve: Phil....

Phil stays asleep

Steve: Phhiiiiilllllll.......

Phil snores and Wolf jumps on the bed


Phil screams and scrambles for his Colt on his bedside table, falling out of bed and smashing his face off the floor.He groans and pulls himself up

Phil: What..WHAT?!


Phil: Awesome..

He looks at the clock: 4:51am

Phil: Go back to sleep..

Will opens his window, revealing his hair in curlers


Steve leans out of the bedroom window



Frank slowly walks into Wills room, half unconscious, baggy eyed and only wearing boxers


Frank: Turn on the light!

Will scrambles and switches on the light. They both scream and cover their eyes


Jon bangs on his window and flips it open

Jon: Keep it down guys! Some of us are trying to sleep!

Brick: It’s Christmas man!!


Jon scrambles up in bed and switches on the lamp on the bedside table

Jon: Christmas?! Oh my god! Get up! We’ll see what Santa left us!

Phil is now fully awake. He stands next to Steve and looks out the window. Dave pulls up the window and leans up, looking down the street. Sal, Brick, Billy and Vince are looking at them from their houses bedroom.

Vince: What the--The lights?

Sal: It’s Christmas time again!!!


Sal scrambles out of his bed and knocks over his water, diving to the foot of the tree and hugging a red present with a gold ribbon

Sal: MY BABY!!!!!!

Billy hops over Sal and grabs onto several wrapped boxes, laughing madly

Brick: Wow..the maturity levels just reached an all-time low


He spits on his finger and jams it into Bricks ear. Brick screams and dances around, swiping at his ear


Down the street, the mechanics are awakening in El Chopshop Grande

Johan: What up?

Bobby: Hey! Johan! Merry Christmas!

Johan: Christmas! Phil tell me! Good time of year! Happy celebration fun!

They both run downstairs into the main garage where a tree made of nuts and bolts is erected with several presents underneath

That Hispanic Guy scrambles out of his bed and kicks open the door, running down the stairs of the Lamb and Flag into the pub, followed by That Other Random Guy

That Other Random Guy: presents presents presents presents!!!!!!!!!

Dick falls out of his folding bed and scrambles up, sliding it into the wall and putting some bottles back

Dick: huh--we--open--wha? CHRISTMAS!!

Tom Morello dashes in, wearing long pyjamas and still carrying his guitar


That Hispanic Guy looks at Morello

That Hispanic Guy: You sleep with that--


That Hispanic Guy: No! No no no!

Obese Maurice runs down the stairs


Moe starts hopping down the stairs

Moe: Christmas? Already?

The door to the Lamb and Flag flies open, and the camera pans to El Chopshop Grande where That Hispanic Guy, That Random Guy and That Other Random Guy have stormed into. Bobby the mechanic slides the door open, peering out happily

Bobby: Wow...everyones up!

A large blue portal appears and Johnny Cash, wearing a santa hat, peers through it

Bobby: What the--

Cash: You didn’t see anything!

He quickly vanishes. Dean wakes up in the flat above his kebab shop and falls out of bed

Dean: DAMN!

He slowly gets up and opens the window, looking out at Sal, Vinces, Billys and Bricks house, where Billy is unwrapping his present


Sal taps the side of his nose. In his kebab shop, Karab, Deans bubbly Indian friend and co-owner, and Dean turn to their own Christmas tree, kneeling next to it and picking up the present from Steve

Dean: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit’s--

He unwraps it to reveal a solid gold Bowie Knife


Karab: You like?

Dean slices through the air and grins


Karab grins and nods. Dean hands him a golden key

Dean: Karab! Your Christmas gift...IS THE KEBAB SHOP!


Dean: I live rent-free in the above apartment.

Karab: DEAL!!!

Meanwhile, Johan walks out into the cold street, wearing a brand new beanie hat with his brand new accessory belt

Johan: Johan going to cry! Johan happy at gifts!

Maurice stumbles into the streets, bawling loudly as he carries 10 cases of SoBe


Will answers his cellphone as he trims his moustache with he sterling silver scissors Dave gave him

Will: Yello?

Moe The Midget is on the other end, wearing a sharp black tuxedo

Moe: Oi! Thanks for the gift Will! Now I look good without having to repeatedly wash and dry shit only for a tight fit!

Will: Everyone deserves to look good Moe! Have a Merry Christmas!

They both put the phone down at the same time

Moe and Will: Owwwwwwwww!

Steve hands Phil a box wrapped in gold paper and he rips it open

Phil: Oh..Steve! It’s beautiful!

Phil pulls out a large silver-plated pistol and looks down the sights, clutching it tightly

Phil: You heightened the sight! Makes it easier to aim manually! Eliminates the need to use one-eye!

He pats the handle and feels the cartridge

Phil: The handles been modified to allow large cartridges in! But the normal slides end up being lighter! The hollow handle allows minimum kickback and lighter hold!

He pulls back the slide

Phil: The slides whittled down too, so its not as chunky! The grooves make it easier to grip, and the hammer is extra grooved to make it easier on the thumb!

He examines the trigger

Phil: The triggers been modified to make it lighter and easier to fire! THIS IS THE ULTIMATE WEAPON!

Steve, who has half-fallen asleep, wakes up and grins

Steve: Knew you’d like it!

Phil hugs Steve and ruffles his hair

Phil: Fucking sweet dude! You even got me cartridges! Now open mine!

Steve rips open his present in record time to reveal a DVD of ‘The Good, The Bad and The Ugly’

Steve: My favourite film! Oh Phil! Sweet!

Phil: That ain’t the end Steve!

Phil hands him a photo, and Steve examines it.It’s a large truck with the words ‘Mercenary Energy’ in big blue letters on it with a silver AK

Phil: I hijacked a truck load of Mercenary Energy for ya! MERRY CHRISTMAS!


Wolf: And me Phil?

Phil looks around. Silence.

Phil: Don’t tell anyone..

He hands her a small box covered with a red ribbon. She opens it and gasps loudly

Wolf: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Steve: What? What’d he get you?!?!

Wolf: It’s...beautiful!

She pulls out a sterling silver watch with several charms attached to it and clips it onto her wrist, admiring it

Wolf: Oh..Phil..

That Hispanic Guy, Will and Dave are latched to the window

Dave: Hey look! Phil has feelings! Let’s tell everyone!


He rolls up a newspaper and advances, causing them to scream and run away

Wolf: Oh..wait! Something else!!!

Phil: Something else?

phils brain: You don’t remember?

Wolf was scrambling through the wrapping paper curiously

Phil: No..

Phils brain: You were so drunk on christmas spirit....and on Guinness..that you wrote a slip saying ‘I.O.U one of whatever you want’.

Phil: .....Oh. Fuck.

Phils brain: can just stop and guess right now, buddy boy.

Phil: .....Fuck.

Wolf: Oh...Phil....

She crawls close to him and whispers in his ear

Wolf: You always know what i’ll pick..

Phils brain: Not only did you dig your own grave, you shot yourself! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Phil grabs a ball of wrapping paper and jams it into his ear

Phils brain: OW!!

Phil: Heheh..

Jon and Brick are sitting in their flat above the Dog and Handgun,, surrounded by wrapping paper. Brick stares down at his new stockpile of M80 firecrackers and grins

Jon: Oi! No no no! Those are for mission use!

Brick: Awww...

Jon: Now feed Mr. Moneypennies!

Brick cheers and claps his hands rapidly, wandering over to a brand new glass-tank where a baby anaconda is slithering about, staring up at Brick with bright eyes

Brick: Ooo Mr. Moneypennies! I bet you’re hungry!

Brick opens a drawer and a mouse wanders in from a hole in the back. Brick grabs it and slides off the top, dropping the mouse in and sliding the lid shut


The anaconda pounces on the mouse and squeezes it tightly, biting it repeatedly

Mr. Moneypennies: That’s right you fucking mouse! Don’tcha even move cause I will bite yo ass to fucking hell, beeotch!

Brick: I can’t believe he talks!

Jon: Yeah..found him near the reactor! He’s only a baby yet he talks!

Mr. Moneypennies: Yo, Brick dude, thanks for the mouse!

He burps out a mouse skeleton and Brick gives the thumbs up


Jon grabs his brand new Dolce and Gabbana wash kit and goes into the bathroom. Laughing Octopus looks out of the window, wearing a new golden watch. Bob walks into their room, clutching two tentacles close to him

Bob: Wow honey! Great present! I HAVE MY OWN TENTACLES!

Laughing Octopus turns to him and smiles, posing with the watch

Laughing Octopus: How do I look?

Bob: Like a queen!

Octopus pounces on him. That Hispanic Guy walks down into the pub of the Lamb and Flag, wearing his poncho from Johan with a hispanic pride in his eye.

That Hispanic Guy: Bueno!

That Random Guy walks into the streets wearing gold-leaf boxer shorts Will bought for him. Dave parts the curtain, and stares wide-eyed at it, coughing out eggnog

Dave: JESUS!!!!!

He quickly draws the curtains. Frank runs into the street with the crates of whiskey under his hand, weeping loudly


Phil watches from the bedroom window with Steve

phil: Y’know, I think I had a nightmare about this once.

Steve: The end of the world caused by drinking?

Phil: I always thought Frank was taller in the dream..guess the armageddon isn’t picky

Morello runs down the street, cackling loudly at his new silver guitar


Phil: Yeah, get ready for judgment day

Will walks out of the door and looks around the street, his moustache waxed and buffed and wearing a sapphire coloured suit with matching tie, black dress suit and blue leather dress shoes. He looks around as Raging Raven walks out of the Dog and Handgun, carrying a bundle of new clothes over her shoulder


She grins and gives the thumbs up

Will: I know..I look good..

Billy walks out of his, Sals, Vinces and Bricks flat, carrying a new sabre

Billy: PHIL!!

Phil leans out of the window and Billy unsheathes the sabre


Phil gives a thumbs up and grins. Vince puts on his new pair of sunglasses and hops into his bright red Ferrari Enzo, looking at the steering wheel


Sal walks out, wearing a tuxedo and a monocle, holding a crystal carafe filled with Armagnac

Sal: And thank you Vince! Where on earth did you get the carafe?!

Vince: I stole it from H. Samuels! They wanted three-thousand quid..I got a five-fingered discount! Hehe! But SAL! THE FERRARI!

Sal: Ahh..don’t mention it!

Vince: Anyway, heard they’re preparing christmas dinner down in the square, ready?!

Sal climbs into his Bugatti Veyron and starts up the engine violently



Frank walks into the street, dressed in a white shirt, black tie, jeans and cowboy boots where a huge line of tables has been set-up, covered in red paper and decorated with countless plates, crackers, candles and tinsel adorning the chairs

Dick: Looking good boss Hog!

Frank: Phil got me the boots..Apparently he killed the snake himself!

Dick: That would explain the slash marks..and the blood

Frank: Ahh..So..whats up? Ready?

Dick: Well, a few guys are cooking some shiut up to serve..we have to serve quite a lot of people, y’know!

An huge red stream of liquid fires out from the door of Frank, Bob, Dave and Wills flat and smashes the windows of the opposite, abandoned flat


The windows are blown out by a huge stream of red wine

Octopus: Mulled Wines brewed!

The roof of Phil and Steves flat flies off in a mess of sage and meat

Phil: We got the stuffing balls!

Several popping sounds are heard as smoke rises

Steve: And the chestnuts!



Loud popping sounds are heard as blackened shells fly into the air.

Wolf: ...Chestnuts are done!!

A poisonous green gas floats out of the Dog and Handguns windows, causing Dick to hack and cough violently. Tom Morello walks into the streets and immediately collapses

Jon: Brussell Sprouts done!

That Random Guy: Brussell it IS Christmas..

Dick: Shut up! You’ll eat them! Now go check on the turkey! And get ready ya scruffy git!

That Random Guy trudges off, wearing only boxers and socks into the Lamb and Flag. That Hispanic Guy walks out, wearing a gold and black suit with matching sunglasses

Frank: Heyyy..looking good!

That Hispanic Guy: Yeah, we’re studs!

Johan and Big Bad Bobby walk out, each wearing large tuxedos and carrying a tray of stuffing balls with a gravy boat the size of a window on it. They set them down on the table

Johan: Where turkey?

Phil: Yeah, but we got a joint of beef in our oven!

Phil appears, wearing an electric blue suit and army boots

Frank: Wow Phil...looking good!

Phil: Thanks scruffy!

Frank: Oi! I’m the leader, I dress how I want!

Will: Yeah! If he wants to dress like a cowboy hobo, let him!

Will appears with his sapphire-coloured suit and with Raging Raven by his side, who was wearing an emerald green suit practically identical to Wills

Frank: Yeahhhh..

Phil: Wow, looks like the whole Units getting plucky. This is the first time you’ve been with a woman, ain’t it Will?

Will: 2nd time, jackass..

Dick: And you forgot to count several hundred one night stands

Will: And that’s why they call me Studlin..but I got a good feeling about ol’ Raven here..she’s a pip..

Raven blushes and smiles

Raven: And I got a good feeling I won’t be killing Will..

Phil, Frank, Dick, Johan and That Hispanic Guy: Damn.


He hisses at them and they wave it off, starting to place tablemats and crackers on the table. That Random Guy rushes out, tucking his shirt into his dress pants with a silver tie flailing wildly
That Random Guy: Turkeys tanned!

Dick: Ok! We’re almost ready!

Johan: Oh! Reminder! Bobby! I check pork!

Dick: 3 meats?! Sweet!

Johan rushes into the chop shop as That Other Random Guy surfaces, wearing a white shirt, red tie and black dress pants with leather slacks

That Other Random Guy: ..Damn! Everyone gets the dress jackets but me!

Dean walks out, laughing and wearing a sterling silver suit, walking like John Wayne, every step squeaking

Dean: Sorry *Beep*..but you is SLOOOOOOOOOW!

That Other Random Guy flings back his hand and smacks Dean in the crotch. Dean cries out and collapses. Will runs over and points to Deans whimpering form


Tom Morello comes to, kips up to his feet and points at Dean


Zack De La Rocha walks on by and grabs Tom in a headlock, dragging him down the street. Steve walks out, wearing a bronze-plated suit

Will: ....Wow.


Steve: Thanks! *Beep* got me it!

That Hispanic Guy stands there, grinning

That Hispanic Guy: You’d love to see what else I can do with illegally-stolen cars!

Steve: Kinda hard to sit down though

Frank: I can only guess..

A Bugatti Veyron and Ferrari screech up the sandy street and handbrake turn, skidding at angles to a halt underneath the awning of an abandoned building. Sal and Brick step out of the Bugatti Veyron, wearing blue tuxedos

Dick: Wow.

Frank: That just screams ‘retentive git’

Will: Damn Frank! I was gonna say that!

Vince and Sal slowly walk towards the table, before looking back at the Ferrari

Sal: What’s keeping you both?!

Billys voice: I can’t open the door!

Sal sighs and pulls out a spare set of Ferrari keys, clicking a button and watching as the door slides open in the butterfly effect. Billy and Vince look out amused and step out

Vince: AWWWW..SWEET!!!

Sal clicks it again and the doors fall shut. Vince and Billy rush over

Vince: My car! AWESOME!

Frank: Looks like Sal dived into his families fund again..

Sal: Technically, it’s mine. I helped my Dad run those factories, so naturally I became the heir, and received a small amount!

That Hispanic Guy: And if your father dies?

Sal looks up proudly

Sal: I inherit two-hundred billion!

They all fall back slightly, gasping

Phil: OH MY GOD!!

Sal: Anyone could inherit it if--

Sals brain: Don’t be stupid. The next words out of your mouth better be ‘They buy two hundred factories’

Sal: They buy two hundred factories!

The mercenaries moan and kick the sand, cursing

Sals brain: I owe you an idea!

Dave walks down the street, dressed in the attire of a military general, complete with helmet and medal strips on his breast

Frank: ...Wow

Dave: T’was my fathers, who kicked severe ass in both World Wars, kicked ass at Falklands, kicked ass at the Gulf and was a basic ass-kicker extraordinaire!

That Random Guy: ..How OLD was he when he died?

Dave: Died last year. Crashed his motorcycle trying not to spill his beer.



Frank: Practically everyones here, just waiting for the last few stragglers..

Crying Wolf and Screaming Mantis walk down the street, carrying trays covered in foil, and both strangely wearing tuxedos

Will: Seems like everyones wearing a suit!

Wolf: I find them..much more comfortable

Mantis places her tray on the table

Mantis: Frank...

Frank: *Beep*

Mantis looks at him

Mantis: Not in public..

Will runs over and puts his arms around both of them

Will: Ooooo? Something going on between the two leaders of the two units?

Frank and Mantis throw their fists back, punching him in the face and knocking him out

Dick: But there is, isn’t there?

Frank: Let's have Christmas dinner!

Obese Maurice walks out, wearing a huge green suit. He looks down at Dean and grabs him, lifting him straight onto his feet

Dean: Thanks Maurice

Maurice: No problem lad, just remember to guard the crotch at all times or ya will end up on the street kidda!

Dean: ...Gotcha

Moe the Midget wanders out, wearing a tuxedo

Moe: Wow..everyones doing great!

Jon walks out, wearing a yellow suit and carrying two casks of whiskey. Frank stares at him and falls to his knees


Everyone stares

Frank: Sorry...carnal instinct

Sal: You’re insane!

Jon: Thank god I left the Guinness at home!


Everyone stares

Phil: Sorry, forcive habit..

Brick comes out with Mr. Moneypennies wrapped around his wrist

Will: Nice snake, Brick

Mr. Moneypennies: Thanks my son! You look fine yoself!

Will: Thanks snake dude!

Karab: A talking snake...whatever next?

Maurice: Ya saying that when we’ve had a murderous robot unit, Slash, The Rat Pack, a blue portal and Samoa Joe?!?!??!

Karab: Yes.

Maurice clenches his fist and pulls it back, but ruffles Karabs hair

Maurice: You picky shit.


Brick: Yeah, I think we’ve got everyone..

John, Jim, Jimmy and Bill walk down, wearing tuxedos and accompanied by several PMC troopers

Jimmy; Hi guys!

Phil: NOW it’s Christmas!

That Hispanic Guy: How are the bit parts?

Jimmy: Not bad! Just got a christmas truce like World War 1!

Praying Mantis PMC Troop: Yup! A ceasefire for some food!

Jim: Wow..smells good!

Dean: Let’s rock! Everyones here!

Cash: Not everyone!

A blue portal appears behind them and Johnny Cash, Slash, Tom Morello, Zack De La Rocha, Brad Wilk, Timmy C, Frank Sinatra, Samoa Joe, Kurt Angle, Chris Sabin, Alex Shelley, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., Jeff Jarrett and Al Bundy appear. A beam of light shines down and Chuck Norris floats down to harp music before landing

Chuck Norris: Got extras?


The mercenaries yell and start to rush towards their houses.


With everyone sat at the decorated 3 long tables in the middle of the sandy street, Dick walks out out of the Lamb and Flag, carrying a large turkey in a tray with a towel. The mercenaries ‘ooh’ and aah’ as he places it on the middle table. Steve emerges from his flat carrying a tray with a huge joint of beef. The crowd cheers and bangs their forks on the table loudly as Steve places the joint on the top table. Johan walks out, carrying a whole roast pig in a huge industrial-sized tray, and places it on the bottom table to loud cheers

Dick: GRUBS UP!!

There’s a huge cheer as the mercenaries dive for the nearest plates. Steve quickly grabs the beef and hacks off several slices, flipping them randomly onto peoples plates. Phil takes a mouthful and grins

Phil: Hey..Steve..Good work on the joint!

Steve: Aye!

Morello: Mm..delicious!

Phil: Gravys a secret recipe!

Johan: You like pork?

Dick:’d ya cook it?

Bobby: Half an hour over a jet engine on a spit!

Dick, Johnny Cash and Samoa Joe stop chewing, but laugh and continue to chew.

Karab: Wow..this turkeys good..

Frank: try some of this wine!

Frank downs another glass and pours some more into his glass

Dave: Trust Frank to go for the hair of the dog..

They all chuckle and Frank grins, shrugging

Frank: Break character I won’t!

Screaming Mantis: Kudos to the turkey cookers!

That Random Guy and That Other Random Guy hi-5. Obese Maurice eats his vegetables slowly

Maurice: I say, this cauliflower cheese is quite esoteric, I say you must try it Vincent!

Vince: Uhhh...ok..

Vince grabs a spoonful and places it on his plate, taking a forkful and putting it in his mouth

vince: OH GOD! There’s an orgy in my mouth!

Mr. Moneypennies: Oo..that turkey look nice Brick dude!

The snake slithers off Bricks arm and onto the plate, taking a huge bite of turkey

brick: Woah! Slow down Mr. Moneypennies!

Mr. Moneypennies: shizzle dude!

Dean sits, staring at his plate of pork. He pokes it with his fork uneasily. Moe leans over with a mouth full of stuffing

Moe the Midget: You gonna eat that?

Dean: Where’s the spice? The grease?

Karab: Ah, Mr. Wilkinson sir! All food is not spiced and greased! We live a corrupt lifestyle and so must eat twice as much over Christmas to make up for it!

Deans eye twitches slightly and Jon pats him on the back

Jon: Eat up you moron!

Chuck Norris telepaths the gravy boat to his plate and heaps it onto his beef before passing it to Samoa Joe

Samoa Joe: We all got christmas at our homes..why are we here?

Kurt Angle: Don’t complain Joe! It’s Christmas! A season of good will to all men!

Samoa Joe: And mercenaries?

Steve: That’s a biggie! Don’t forget that!

Dick: You gonna make a toast, Frank?

Frank puts his empty pint glass onto the table

Frank: Toast?

Phil: Toast. You know..for the brave mercenaries who went out this year and kicked some ass while being very random about it?

Crying Wolf: Yeah!

Phil: You’re not a fact, in the past you’ve tried to kill us!

Wolf: Oh Phil! Let it go!

Phil: Not until you apologize for crushing my ribs!

Wolf: Oh..Phil! That is so several months ago!

Will: You are so goddamn insane..

Will starts licking plate his clean

That Hispanic Guy: ...Ew

Bob is busy eating his turkey, wearing a christmas paper hat

Bob: Wow..Christmas with you insane people! Never thought it would happen!

Dave: IT IS!

Dave smashes the neck of his beer bottle over his head and starts drinking

Laughing Octopus: You know..normal people use a bottle opener..

Bob: But where’s the fun in that?

Dave gives the thumbs up

Dave: Hear hear!

Johan passes some chestnuts to That Random Guy

Johan: Chestnuts good with stuffing. Johan now like chestnuts!

That Random Guy: Here, try my roast potatoes!

That Random Guy drops a spoonful onto Johans plate. Johan skewers one on his fork and downs it in one, his eyes going haywire. He stands up


Silence. Johan sits down.

Johan: Johan thought it would be good to hail friends food.

Al: Anyone tried the home brew yet?

Dean: Al..The Half Moon has won the best brewers award for 4 years running..besides which, Franks on his 3rd crate

Al raises his pint. The table watches.

Al: Here’s to good ol’ British Christmas dinner! Wherever the Brits go, we take our lovely customs!

Everyone raises their glasses

Everyone: Hail Britain!

That Hispanic Guy stands up

That Hispanic Guy: And here’s to the multi-ethnic cultures who form the backbone of everyone by providing hard work! AND HERE’S TO OUR COOL LANGUAGES AND CULTURES YOU PUTOS ET PUTAS!

Everyone: Hail Cultures!

Steve stands up

Steve: Here’s to breathing!

Everyone raises their glasses

All: Hail breathing!

Steve stands there, grinning

Steve: Hail breathing! HAIL BREATHING!

Jimmy stands up

Jimmy: Here’s to the spirit of no man getting left behind!

Everyone raises their glasses

Everyone: Until the going gets tough!

Billy stands up

Billy: Here’s to the most diverse force of bastards, gits, assholes, asskickers, maimers and insane people in the world!

Everyone raises their glassses high

All: Hail mercenaries!

Chuck Norris stands up

Chuck Norris: Here’s to the cameo appearances from famous people who appear to help us out, and who wouldn’t make the adventure half as fun! Or easy!


Sal stands up

Sal: here’s to us

Everyone stands up

Everyone: To us!

They all sit down, cheering, except Frank

Frank: And here’s to you all! An ass-kicking, head-smashing group of insane psychopaths who never turn their backs on anything! To a group of individuals who give a new meaning to under-dog, but fight until their bones turn to granite! To a force of people willing to fight for everything they believe in! HEre’s to us mercenaries, the unsung heroes!


Everyone stands up and cheers wildly. Vince starts sobbing into Sals shoulder


Sal: it’s’s all true..

Dean, That Random Guy, That Other Random Guy and That Hispanic Guy group hug. Obese Maurice, Moe the Midget and Dick Head group hug and raise their pints. Frank, Will, Steve, Crying Wolf, Screaming Mantis, Bob, Phil, Bill and Dave all group together and hi-5. Jimmy, Jim and Bill all group together and start chatning ‘Mercenary!’. The cameo appearances are still getting on with their dinner as Al pulls out a British flag and waves it, singing the national anthem. Billy, Johan and Bobby all share bearhugs, while Raging Raven and Will start making out



Everyone mobs Dick, screaming at the top of their lungs


Frank sits on the steps of his flat, watching as the final lights go out. Dave walks out and pats his shoulder

Dave: How do, Frank?

Frank: Do great..give us a light?

Dave reaches into the flat and grabs a box of matches, striking one of the box and lighting a cuban cigar in Franks mouth. He takes a few puffs and gives a sigh of happiness

Frank: I love being head of know that? feels like we’re a big, happy family on days like these..

Dave: That we are..hey..where is everyone, anyway?

Frank: Home.

Dave: But Bob?

Frank: Ahh..Bobs taken octopus to the, y’know..soppy crap

Dave: And Will?

Frank: Giving Raven the Studlin treatment.

Dave: Come to think of it..never saw Johan go home--

Frank: Johan and Bobby have went to the Lamb and Flag.

Dave: Ahh..

Frank nods and puffs the cigar

Frank: Earthy..yet woody..

Dave: Mm. Nice. And Sal?

Frank: Sals getting his car buffed..

Dave: And Phil and Steve?

Frank takes a deep puff of the cigar and blows the smoke out slowly

Frank: Steves gone for a drink at the Half Moon..but Phil..Thats the strangest thing...

In Phil, Steve and Wolfs flat, Phil slowly comes to and sits up

Phil: Oh..god..I had the worst nightmare..

He looks up, where Wolf is sitting on the bed, wearing skimpy lingerie


Wolf: Y’know’ve been awfully nice to me I figured it wouldn’t be nice to leave you..empty handed..You go through so much much misery..gunbattles, robot battles, barfights--

Phil looks up

Phil: Death CAN’T be this busy!

Wolf: --So..get ready to strap in..and feel the Gs

Phil: I’d love to..but

He gives a fake sneeze

Phil: I’m allergic to sex..

Wolf: Bullshit, get on the bed. NOW.

Phil: No.

Wolf: Yes..

Phil: Make me.

Phils Brain: Wait..SHIT! YOU IDIOT!

Wolf stands up and grabs him by his collar, dragging him up and onto the bed, pinning him down

Wolf: Ready for 6 hours of fun?


Frank hears the screams and waves it off

Dave: ..Weird

Frank: Go get some’s been a big day..

Dave: You too Frank!

Frank: A man needs to enjoy his cigar..

Dave pats his shoulder and shuts the door. Frank watches the setting sun and takes a deep puff again, breathing it out his nostrils

Frank: Peaceful..

A few flakes of snow fall and he stands up, throwing his cigar butt into the street where it blows gently in the wind. He turns around--

Mantis: Frankkkk...

Frank stops

Frank: Mantis?

He turns around and sees Mantis with her hands on his chest

Mantis: Baby..let’s go back to my place and get cosy..

Frank: I’d love to..but--

Franks brain: Bobs dead

Frank; Bobs dead

Mantis: I just saw him at the lake, skinny dipping with Occy..Come on Frank..

Franks brain: Fuck.

Frank: You have a flat?

Mantis: Sorta..

Frank: Ok..this I gotta see--


Mantis: Sure! Follow me!

Frank stands there, dumbstruck. But he shrugs and follows her
Frank: Wow..

Mantis beckons to the room of a one-room flat, decorated in pictures of unicorns

Mantis: Heh..I love unicorns..

Frank: ...THIS IS INSANE! But cute..

Mantis makes a ‘come here’ sign with her index finger. Frank turns and watches the final lights of the city go out. He smirks and turns to Mantis, who lays on her bed

Mantis: Rooowwww...

Frank: Heh...Grrrowwwlll..

He smirks and lays on top of her, slowly turning off the light as the scene fades.


All the mercenaries are in the town square, accompanied by a large band

All: Come and sing with me, proper chrimbo!
I take you for a drink with me, proper chrimbo!
Put up your Christmas tree, proper chrimbo!
So excited you might wee, proper chrimbo! proper chrimbo!

Frank rushes in front of the panning camera and holds it still on him

Frank: On the seven days of Christmas my true love came to me..

He gives the thumbs up to Screaming Mantis

A peregrine falcon, proper bo I tell thee,
She had two trainers and a beanie hat,
A new set of headphones all shining black!
I didn't sleep that night,
For Santa to come,
I wet the bed, that's what I had done,
Cos Christmas time is the place to be,
I always wake up in a puddle of wee,
With a ho ho and a silent night,
A little chipolata I'll be feeling alright

Steve rushes in front of the camera with a chipolata on a fork

Turkeys on the table, which brings a crowd!
Celebrate chrimbo I tell thee all!!!!!!

All: Come now sing with me, proper chrimbo,
Jimmy: selecta!
I take you for a drink with me, proper chrimbo,
Billy: selecta!
Hold up your Christmas tree, proper chrimbo,
Dean: selecta!
So excited you might wee, proper chrimbo! proper chrimbo!

The camera pans on Will, wearing a sequinned black suit standing beside Raging Raven in a lacy burlesque outfit

Will: You-whoo.
Ho, ho, ho.
I'm a bad mo-fo,
I got presents y'all for the two by two,
They goes watch out cos i got time for you!
Super funky and you're one of us!

Johan, That Hispanic Guy, Sal and Vince start breakdancing in the backgrounding

Watch out Santa cos here i come,
I sleep on the floor,
Never ever on the bed,
That's Santa's style, all in your head!
It's me dressed up, come sit on my knee,

Will sits back and Raven sits on his knee

Got gifts for y'all, what you got for me?
Chamone, chamone, chamone, chamone,
Chamone check, check tha-cone,
I said bubbles ain't a monkey,
She can move real funky,
Chamone check, check tha-cone
That's right, oww!!!!

Everyone jumps into the cameras path

All: Come now sing with me, proper chrimbo,
Phil: selecta!
Laughing Octopus: sing with meeeeee!
I take you for a drink with me, proper chrimbo,
Bob: selecta!
Will: Hee-hee!
Hold up your Christmas tree, proper chrimbo,
Sal: selecta!
So excited you might wee, proper chrimbo, proper chrimbo!!!

They watch as a blue portal appears and sucks the band up. Silence. Frank looks back at the empty stage and scratches his head

Frank: ay up, where's all t' band gone?
He shrugs and motions to the mercenaries

Frank: come on kids, help us out!
Sing with me
All: La la laa,
Frank: Check it out,
All: La la laa,
Frank: Can I get a rewind?
All: La la laa,
Frank: Well that were rea’ good..
All: Tra la la laa, tra la la laa, tra la la laa,
Frank: Come on now, let's get it together, you as well Kes!
All (Jolly, happy tones): Come now sing with me, proper chrimbo!!!

Sal jumps in front of the camera

All: I take you for a drink with me, proper chrimbo

Steve wanders in front of the camera

Steve: Take you for a goat!!
Hold up your Christmas tree, proper chrimbo,
Crying Wolf: So excited!
All: So excited you might wee, proper chrimbo! proper chrimbo!! proper chrimbo!!!!
Frank: Can I get a beat change?!
All: Come now sing with me, proper chrimbo,
Crying Wolf: Sing with me!
All: I take you for a drink with me, proper chrimbo

Johan and Phil start to do the robot as Dave sets the tree on fire and starts to launch fireworks in random directions with the help of Al the Pub Landlord

Dick: I take you for a drink!
All: Hold up your Christmas tree, proper chrimbo!!!

Karab, Dean, Brick and Jon start to shake the Christmas tree, cackling loudly

Karab, Dean, Brick and Jon: Wave your Christmas tree!!!
All: So excited you might excited!!!! so excited!!! so excited!!!
Frank: O rea’ good, now come on sing with me!!!
All: Come now sing with me, proper chrimbo!!!
Crying Wolf: Sing with me!
All: I take you for a drink with me, proper chrimbo!!!

Dick jumps into the camera view, carrying a pint

Dick: I'll take you for a drink!!
All: Hold up your Christmas tree, proper chrimbo!!

Obese Maurice walks into the camera view with Moe the Midget on his shoulders, waving tinsel around

Maurice and Moe: Hold up your Christmas tree!!
All: So excited you might wee, proper chrimbo!!!
so excited!!! so excited!!! so excited!!!

The music starts to die down and Frank appears in front of the camera, grinning

have a proper bo crim... bo!

Steve shoves him out of the way

Steve: bumbal squat!

Everyone shoves into the view of the camera, laughing and grinning. Phil crawls over the top of everyones heads and looks directly into the camera

Phil: it's all because of the magic...Shazam!



It's doubtful I will have an update up to bring in 2009, so I want to wish you all the best of luck in Bringing in the New Year!

2008 saw the introduction of Metal Gear Mercenaries. In April, it was created and published. In September, it was made onto Blogger where it shall live forevermore. As such, 2009 will see Fish Hats, Mutated Vindaloo Monsters, Chocolate Pudding!!! The Teabag Of Ultimate Destiny, CHuck Norris' Beard Hair Viagra and much, MUCh more!

You stay classy readers! Keep kicking it random!=

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