Sunday, 31 December 2017

Metal Gear Mercenaries : The Blast In The Past - Chapter II - The Traitors with the Brains of Potatoes

The scene opens up where we left off: With Ocelot and his GRU Operative surrounding Snake, Sokolov and the mercenaries. Snake warily eyes the GRU operatives, whilst Vince eyes Ocelot suspiciously.

Vince [coldly]: Furries…

Will: I mean, coming from an Otaku, I find your rage at another subculture hilarious, especially considering you own a pleasure-bot.

Vince [Coldly]: Don’t talk shit about Washu-bot.

Will: And that robot probably cost you far more money than a fursuit--


Billy: I cannae believe yeh having this conversation right fucking now, while we’re surrounded.

Ocelot [Circling Snake]: What is that stance?!...That gun?

Ocelot starts laughing, which causes the other GRU operatives to laugh as well.

Ocelot: …If you’re not the Boss…then DIE.

Ocelot spins his gun with a flourish, pulling back the slide. A bullet swiftly jams in the receiver.

Ocelot: Oh.

Ocelot looks down at his gun. Snake grins brightly, lunging forward and grasping Ocelot’s right arm, extending it and moving behind him, holding his left arm which clutches his knife across Ocelot’s neck, holding the knife to Ocelot’s throat before slamming him backwards onto the ground. Snake stands over Ocelot, his right arm between Snake’s legs, and grasps the Makarov, wrenching it from Ocelot’s grasp. Sokolov yelps wildly, screaming and running off into the distance. A GRU Operative turns his head, watching.

GRU Operative: Major!

Johnny [Angrily]: FOR FUCKS SAKE, HE’S SPRY!



Jon hurtles after Sokolov.

Major Ocelot: Leave him! Shoot the other one!

The GRU Operative lunges forward, but Snake twists, grasping the back of the operative’s head and gripping him tightly, moving him aside and firing a tranquilizer dart at a second GRU Operative, hitting him in the arm. Snake shoves the human shield into a third GRU Operative, knocking them both down, before turning to the fourth. Before he can do anything

A fifth rushes forward, which Bobby swiftly clotheslines to the floor. A sixth moves forward as well, aiming down his rifle, but he backs into a stack of two metal boxes, atop which is Billy.


Lynch: Oh please no.

”Natural Born Killaz” by  Dr. Dre and Ice Cube starts playing as Sal, Bob and Brick stand beside Billy. All four men leap off the top of the box, flattening the GRU Soldier and a second who rose to his feet behind him.

Eligio: Well, it gets results.

Lynch: I swear to fucking God if they start to New Jack every goddamn time there’s an enemy below a tall spot…

Sal [Getting to his feet and dusting himself off]: No promises..

Phil: And technically, the correct term is “Gangsta Splash”—

Lynch [Bluntly]: Shut the fuck up.

Phil: Okay.

Snake turns to the GRU Operative he shot earlier. The Operative stumbles around before collapsing forward. Ocelot gets to his feet, lunging at Snake who grasps his right arm and spins him, locking his arm to his side before slamming the butt of his pistol into Ocelot’s jaw and slamming him down into the dirt with a deafening crash. The gun flies out of Ocelot’s grasp, the bullet finally ejecting across the floor.

Ocelot [Groaning]: Impossible!

Snake: You ejected the first bullet by hand, didn’t you? I see what you were trying to do. But..testing a technique you’ve only heard about, in the middle of a battle? Not very smart. You were asking to have your gun jam on you. I don’t think your cut out for an automatic in the first place: You twist your elbow to absorb the recoil. That’s more of a revolver technique.

Ocelot’s eyes slowly open, glaring at Naked Snake.

Vince: Aw shit, he woke.


Ocelot swiftly unsheathes a knife from the rear of his belt.


Ocelot swiftly sits up and lunges for Snake with his right hand. Snake grasps it and twists it under him, pushing the knife aside and punching him in the left kidney. Snake stands up straight and, smirking, hits the back of Ocelot’s head with the butt of his tranquilizer pistol. He locks his arm around Ocelot’s neck before twisting and throwing him straight to the ground, aiming his pistol down at him. Ocelot grunts in pained anger.

Snake [Lunging downwards and holding the knife over Ocelot’s throat]: But that WAS some fancy shooting. You’re pretty good.

Ocelot [Angrily grasping Snake’s forearm]: Pretty…good…

Ocelot flicks out two fingers on his right hand in the shape of a pistol, his thumb extended into the air, before he slumps backwards to the floor, unconscious, his arms splaying out. Snake holsters his knife and pistol, getting on one knee to communicate with Zero.

Will: Big Boss got some moves.

Lynch: Wish I could knock people out that fancy.

Bill: Eh, fists work just as good.

Sal: So, there’s an internal Soviet power struggle going on?

Fabien: Ve could play zis to our advantage, non? Play one side against the other.

Lynch: We’re only here for this mission. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.

Snake slowly rises to his feet, turning to the mercenaries.

Snake: Well?

Lynch: Come on. Let’s head back to Dolinovodno and hope Jon and the others have caught Sokolov.

Lynch leads the mercenaries and Snake forward.

Sal: Well, hopefully this’ll be a quick mission.

Lynch: Homesick already?

Sal: Well, yeah, aren’t you?

Lynch: Well….


In the Lamb and Flag, everything is kitted out for New Year’s celebrations. Given the Lamb and Flag, however, this simply means a few pennants hanging from the dusty wooden timbers in the ceiling and a line of tinsel nailed across the bar, with a few party poppers strewn across tables. The fathers of the mercenaries, called in to protect the streets from intermittent PMC attacks, are all firmly lodged within the small confines of the pubs, and the round wooden tables are now littered with a variety of empty drink bottles and cans. Emilie herself is sat in the back right corner, closest to the toilets, with her arms folded and sulking foully with a party hat perched on her head, and with Crumpet, her pet rat, laying on her right shoulder.. Michael Kingston climbs onto the bar, raising his wine glass.


The entire bar roars out a bellowing cheer, raising their glasses in unison.


A huge, unified “Hell Yeah!” goes up from the bar.

Maurice [Watching from the kitchen]: I ain’t cleaning this puke up.

Moe [Watching from the kitchen]: Should we go see Mother?

Maurice: About what?

Moe: Getting the fuck out of here and onto the mission.

Maurice: We have specific orders for being here, mate.

Moe: Which are?

Maurice: To protect these assholes.

Moe: From what?

Maurice: Themselves.

Moe [Sighing]: Ah.

Dick: Well guys, I’m glad you’re all happy but—

Boris Hellgenstrand [Jovially]: MORE DRINKS!!

Dick: Guys, we--

Rick Sykes: MORE DRINKS!!

Dick: Will you jus—

Stephen LaMarr: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!!!!!

Michael Kingston: Shit, this is the life! Getting paid to sit around and drink beer!

Dick [Angrily]: You’re supposed to be protecting this place!

Joey Studlin: Hey, we sent out Truly Terrifying Tommy on patrol! That’s all we need!


Truly Terrifying Tommy [Peering through a crack in the door and waving an empty bottle]: Guys, empty out here.

John Chevrolet [Getting out of his chair]: Alright Tommy, I’m coming.

Joey Studlin: See? John’s his wingman.

Dick [Turning to Maurice and Moe]: I don’t even know what to do.

Maurice: Don’t look at us, mate, we don’t got a clue either!

Moe: Maybe we can ask Jericho’s lass.

Moe, Maurice and Dick look over towards Emilie who hasn’t moved an inch, still sulking foully.

Moe: Where did he find her anyway? Wearing that corset and with her ringlets and shit. She looks like she came from the Victorian era.

Maurice: Nah, it must be a new fashion or some shit.

Moe: That lace skirt, though?

Maurice: Never proclaimed myself to be an expert on current fashion mate.

Ian Stone [Squeezing past the bar]: I GOTTA TAKE A PISS!!


Moe: Where did they find these guys?

Dick: I’m sure a few came from homeless shelters, knowing what veterans are like.


Dick: I guess we’re not going home anytime soon.

Maurice: Don’t kid yourself, Dick, this is our home.

Dick: I meant London.

Maurice: ….Don’t kid yourself, Dick, this is our home.

**RASSVET – 1964**

Lynch: Absolutely fucking not.

Sal: Yeah, I can’t blame you.

The group emerge in Dolinovodno, making their way back to the area where the rickety rope bridge crossed over the yawning chasm that held a rushing river. Standing behind a tree, close to the bridge, is Sokolov with his nose pressed against the trunk. Jon stands behind him, aiming down the sights of his M16.

Lynch: At ease, Jon.

Jon slowly lowers his rifle. Sokolov turns around and Snake approaches him.

Snake: You okay?

Sokolov: Those men were from the Ocelot Unit.

Snake: Spetsnaz?

Sokolov: Yes. The best GRU has to offer…they’re coming for me. …I’m finish--

Snake [Sighing]: Calm down. I’ll get you out of here, I promise, and we’ve got some of the best damn backup we could ask for.

Lynch: Well--

Snake: Not you.

Sal: Bitch!

The sound of a huge explosion scars the air. The mercenaries, Snake and Sokolov turn around, looking for the source of the sound. Sokolov points upwards: In the distance, on the edge of one of the mountainous sides of the chasm, is the barely visible form of what is essentially a gigantic tank. The turret, smoking from firing a shot, stands on top of a hulking chassis, whilst two ‘treads’ peering from the front of the body actually appear to be ground drills, tucked into the treads to give the appearance of two stubby legs. Snake looks through his binoculars at the monstrosity.

Snake: That’s what they were making you build?

Brick [Squinting]: Looks like a pony.

Jon: What kind of fucking ponies have you been riding?

Sokolov: Shagohod. “The Treading Behemoth”. A tank capable of launching nuclear IRBM’s.

Snake: It can launch nukes from THAT terrain?

Sokolov: Oh yes, and without support from friendly units.

Snake: A nuclear-equipped tank capable of operating solo. Well, that just about ruins my day.

Lynch: Ruins anybody’s day, really.

Snake: Is it finished?

Sokolov: No, this is only the end of phase one. It won’t truly be finished until we complete phase two.

Snake: And that is?

Sokolov: The weapon’s true form. If it is completed and the Colonel gets his hands on it, it will mean the end of the Cold War.

Will: Wait, true form? You mean that launching nukes ain’t enough?

Snake: The end of the Cold War, huh?

Sokolov: Yes, and then the age of fear will truly begin.

Snake: So, a world war.

Sokolov [Sighing, pacing around]: I had no choice but to co-operate. I didn’t want to die! I wanted to see my wife and child again in America! Please, take me to America! Quickly! They cannot complete it without my help!

Snake: Well, let’s go. All of you: Behind me.

Snake readies his knife and pistol, taking point and moving across the bridge with Sokolov behind. Jon moves directly behind Sokolov, with the other mercenaries choosing to stay on solid land. Sokolov peers over the bridge, whimpering before uneasily moving ahead. As they get past the midway point, Lynch walks onto the bridge, staying behind Jon, with Frank also moving forward. A wispy fog slowly starts to descend.

Jericho [Looking around]: Well that’s coming from nowhere.

Bob: Bad signs ahead.

Footsteps slowly echo across the bridge. Snake stops, aiming down the iron sights of his pistol: Through the fog emerges a female figure, wearing khaki fatigues and carrying two metal gun cases in each of her hands, her blonde hair tyed back behind her head with a blue bandana.

The Boss.

Jon: Hey, you’re--

Female [Looking past Snake and at the mercenaries, confused]: Who are you?

Jon [Pointing at Sokolov]: Jon Manguel. I’m here to kick ass and remove this son of a bitch, and I’m all outta ass. Although honey, I got to say--

Frank [In disbelief]: HOLY FUCK JON, DON’T FLIRT WITH HER!!

Female: Do you know who I am?

Jon: Somebody important.

Female: The Boss.

Jon: …..Bruce Springsteen?

The Boss falls silent.

Tim: He’s gonna die, isn’t he?

Bill: Wouldn’t surprise me.

Snake: Boss?

Lynch: Well. This is something.

The fog slowly dissipates. The Boss drops the crate in her right hand, causing the bridge to shake violently. She drops the crate in her left hand, the force of the bridge shaking causing Sokolov to fall onto his rear and causing Lynch, Jon and Frank to grip the sides of the bridge to keep their own footing.


The Boss: Good work, Jack.

Snake: What the hell are you doing here?!

The Boss: Sokolov…comes with me.

A dark cloud suddenly appears, sweeping through the air and blotting out the sun slightly. However, as the cloud descends, it reveals that it is actually made up of thousands upon thousands of swarming…

Frank: Hornets.

Jon stops, looking around. His eyes widen slightly as a swarm of hornets swiftly descend from the sky, stopping between him and Sokolov, whilst also swarming Snake. He stops, his brow furrowing angrily.


Jon stomps forward and into the swarm of hornets. As he does, a Russian Hind flies over them, hovering over the bridge.

Tim: JON!




Jon spins around on his heels, jogging out of the cloud of hornets and barging into Lynch, sending both men down. Snake looks over his shoulder at Sokolov, and at the mercenaries. A figure descends through the hornets, grasping Sokolov by the back of his jacket and pulling him into the air, towards the Hind. Both of them are obscured by the swarm of hornets as they ascend. The hornets disappear, revealing a heavily-scarred man wearing a ski mask and black-and-yellow tiger stripe camouflage vest over black fatigues leaning out of the side of the Hind. Snake looks up, as does The Boss.

The Boss: My friends. Let us fight together again!

First Figure: I have waited long for this day!

second, Scarred Figure: We will fight with you once more!

The Boss: Now that all five of us are together, it’s time we go to the depths of hell itself.

Snake: Can we stop the exposition and cut to you telling me what the hell was going on?

Lynch [Calling over]: I AGREE!

The sky darkens suddenly, and rain begins to pour over them.

Bill: And just what the fuck is this?

Vince: Some real bad juju.

Jericho: I’ll tell you what it is: Bollocks. Stupid bollocks.

The Boss [Holding out her arms]: It’s raining blood..

Vince holds out his tongue.

Vince: Tastes normal to me.

The Boss: Is he crying?

The Boss looks around the bridge, as if she hears a presence nearby.

Sal: Well, she’s nuts.

Bob: Of course she is. We’re all mad here.

From behind her, through the rain, emerges a gigantic figure, tall and imposing. Clad in a khaki greatcoat, with gold buttons, red shoulderpads and a black holster belt crossing across the chest, the figure strolls onto the bridge, red leather boots echoing off of the wood.

Figure: Kuwabara, kuwabara…

Jon: And just what the fuck is this?

The figure continues walking forward, revealing a heavily scarred face, almost as if the flesh had been stripped away in certain places, and cold grey eyes. Perhaps the most striking feature of this figure, however, were the arcs of electricity dancing off of his body.

Lynch: Well, this is new.

The rain stops.

Commander: Ah, what a joyful scene.

The Boss: Colonel Volgin..

Lynch: What the FUCK?

Volgin’s head snaps up, looking at the mercenaries who instinctively flinch.

Frank: Oh crap. Lynch! Don’t mess with the lightning man!

Volgin: Who are these?

The Boss: I have no idea.

Lynch: We’re…friendlies!

Volgin: I don’t recognise any of you.

Lynch: I’m Lynch…ski--

Frank: He’s our Commander. We’re here under orders of Kosygin.

Volgin: You. Under Kosygin’s orders.

Frank: We’re double-agents.

Volgin: Explain.

Frank falls silent.

Jon [Calmly]: Our unit is a black ops unit under the CIA, known as BAU or the Bad Ass Unit within the ranks. During the Cuban Missile Crisis we were approached by spies within the CIA’s ranks who offered us a lot more money to ally with them with a view of eventually travelling to Russia to train with and alongside GRU. We managed to make our way here and the first mission to prove our loyalty was to hunt down Snake and Sokolov.

Volgin: I was never informed of this.

Jon: We ARE a Black Ops unit. If the CIA discovered this, they’d put a burn notice on us and have us all hunted down to the ends of the Earth. And if they discovered we’d allied with the Russians, of all people?

Volgin: I see. Secrecy is of the utmost importance. So what is the CIA’s official reason for being here?

Jon: To take Sokolov back to the West.

Volgin [Smirking]: But the odds were always in my favour. Excellent. Very well then, comrades. I take it that’s why those four were chasing Sokolov?

Lynch: He’s sadly spry and our orders aren’t to kill him. I ordered them to chase him out of Rassvet towards the ravine where he’d be apprehended.

Volgin: Very well done. I’ll take it from here, comrades.

Volgin turns around.

Lynch [Quietly]: Well done, Jon.

Jon: Hey, I’m smart, what can I say? That and Frank was close to pissing himself.

Frank: He’s fucking terrifying!!!

Sal: Bad Ass Unit? Really?

Jon: He believed it! And plus now we order people to call us bad asses because we’re at the same rank as the GRU!

Bob: How did we even talk ourselves into this?!

Phil: Jon. That’s how. And I like it.

Volgin: Welcome to my country. And to my unit!

Snake: Boss? What is this? And you lot?!

Snake looks over his shoulder. Lynch, Jon and Frank shrug.

Phil: The rules have changed!

Snake [Angrily]: What rules?!

Will: Our personal rules. The one’s where we stay alive.

The Boss: Also, I’m defecting to the Soviet Union.

Bob: See? We’re all staying alive here!

The Boss: Sokolov is a gift for my new hosts.

Lynch: We don’t have gifts. Dean makes a mean steak, though.

Dean waves from the huddle of mercenaries until Samuel slaps his hand down, shaking his head.

Volgin [Leaning down and picking up the gun crates]: And recoilless nuclear warheads! These will make a fine gift for me!

Snake [In disbelief]: This CAN’T be happening!

Volgin: Who is he? Another one of your disciples? Are we taking him with us?

The Boss [Turning to Volgin]: No, this one is still just a child. Too pure for us Cobras. He has not yet found an emotion to carry into battle.

Snake: What are you talking about?

Volgin turns around. Snake swiftly readies his pistol and The Boss moves forward.

The Boss: Think you can pull the trigger?

Lynch: Snake, just let it go.

The Boss jolts forward, pulling back the slide of the gun and managing to remove it from the body of the gun in one deft movement, pushing Snake down onto his rear. Snake aims down his pistol, only to notice its missing, before The Boss throws it at him. He quickly gets up, aiming a left-handed strike at Boss who catches the arm, jolting it downwards and swiftly punching him in the face, twisting his arm around and taut to the side. The Boss swiftly slams her forearm down into the elbow, dislocating Snake’s arm and causing him to scream in pain.

Lynch [Wincing]: Jesus.

Dean: And this is why we defected.

Samuel: To avoid broken arms?

Karab: And death.

Snake falls onto all fours. Volgin sets down the crates gently and turns around.

Volgin: He’s seen my face. We can’t let him live.

Volgin flicks out his arms as The Boss moves behind Snake, marching towards Snake.

Volgin: If Khrushchev finds out about this, we’re finished.

Volgin reaches into his pockets before pulling out bullets held between each of his fingers, crossing his arms over his chest as his arms crackle with electricity.

Samuel: I mean, what even is going on at this point.

Eligio: Something interesting.

Samuel: Interest--

Eligio: Yes. Interesting. Which is the story I’m keeping because I don’t plan on getting on the bad side of a guy who can manipulate lightning.

Volgin: He must die.

The Boss: Wait. He’s my apprentice. I’ll take care of him.

Volgin lets his arms hang by his side as The Boss turns to Snake.

The Boss: Jack, you can’t come with us.

The Boss holds out her hand. Snake hangs his head but takes her hand anyway: She grips his hand, pulling him towards her and elbowing him roughly in the abdomen. Snake hunches over her arm, but grasps the back of her head with his right hand, glaring at her. The Boss grasps the collar of Snake and throws him ruthlessly over the rope and towards the ravine below. Her bandana is torn off by Snake, who lets out an angry bellow, which quietens as he heads to the bottom of the ravine.

Brick: Aw. Fuck.

Steve [Aside, to Lynch]: I thought you said that, as long as you were here, nobody would be getting thrown off of the bridge.

Lynch: I meant our guys.

Steve: Did you?

Lynch [Calmly]: Steve, I lie. Is that so hard to believe?

Snake crashes into the water with a huge splash.

Joseph: Really hope he can swim.

Vince: That looks like it hurt quite badly.

Sal: Thanks, Sherlock. Any other nuggets of wisdom you wish to share?

Vince: That was a very high drop he just suffered.

Billy: Well, yeh did ask..

The Boss walks over to the side of the bridge, watching the rushing water below.

Volgin [Standing beside her]: Are we done here?

The Boss: Now, on to Sokolov’s research facility.

Volgin: Shagohod is ours!

Volgin walks away. The Boss grips the rope on the side of the bridge.

The Boss: Drift away…My place is with them now.

The Hind slowly lowers towards the bridge.

Lynch: So, what do we do now?

Volgin: Come with me.

Lynch: Well, lead the way.

Lynch leads the mercenaries across the bridge, following Volgin and moving past The Boss..


Back in Beale Street, Emilie is stood outside the Lamb and Flag, eyes shut as she sighs loudly, listening to the sounds of breaking glass, whooping and party poppers in the building behind her. She slowly opens her eyes, turning her head to the left and watching as Tavi slowly walks over to her, hands tucked in the pocket of her jeans beneath a thick, quilted black parka. She lets out a visible breath, chuckling as she stands near Emilie.

Tavi: Cold desert night, huh?

Emilie: Yes..

Tavi: You alright? Sitting here in the cold with nothing but laces and petticoats?

Emilie: Yes…

Tavi: The drunken assholes getting to you, huh?

Emilie [Quietly]: I hate this. I want to be out there with my love, killing his enemies.

Tavi [Chuckling]: That’s cute, hon, but you really don’t want to be out there.

Emilie: Why?

Tavi: They have a very unique habit of messing things up horribly.

Emilie [Frowning]: You speak ill of your allies?

Tavi [Chuckling]: Of course I do. Have you seen them? They’re hardly useful.

Emilie: What do you mean?

Tavi: Look at them! They’re hardly house-trained, they’ve been discharged from their militaries and they’re given the most unimportant location in the entire Academy area!

Emilie: Last I checked, this is one of the closest locations to the Suez Canal.

Tavi falls silent.

Tavi [In disbelief]: Are you telling me they’re stupid on purpose? Like, as a ruse?

Emilie: Have you not thought that they like to have mindless fun? Much like children, they have simple, one-dimensional tastes and pleasures. That does not make them stupid. Childish? Of course. Stupid? No.

Tavi: Hm. Guess I’ve never thought about it that way.

Emilie: You’ve lived amongst them and haven’t thought about it?

Tavi: No. It’s like when you hear a pneumatic drill: You don’t think about it, it just fucking annoys you.

Emilie: You underestimate them.

Tavi: I do?

Emilie: You mock them, but they have protected these arid lands for many years. You dislike them, but they keep you amongst them without penalty. You laugh at them, but they are trusted enough to be committed to a top secret mission with grave implications.

Tavi [Taken aback]: …Huh. I guess when you put it that way..

Emilie: You may speak ill of them, but they are highly trained men of worth. After all, do you think they would fail this mission? Let those who they were sworn to protect die? Ally themselves with a great evil? Of course they would not do that. They are heroes, regardless of your mockery.


The fleet of transport helicopters are beginning their flight away from the jungle, carrying the now-Volgin aligned group of mercenaries and transporting the Shagohod to its new location.

On Volgin’s helicopter are Ocelot, a member of the Ocelot Unit and an unidentified blonde female wearing glasses and a khaki uniform, complete with a short skirt, pale brown stockings and, oddly enough, black leather boots. Accompanying them are Lynch, Phil, Frank, Bob and Steve. Lynch is stood to the left of the helicopter, opposite from Volgin, gripping the side of the open door as he watches the landscape roll past under him.

Lynch: We let Big Boss die.

Steve: Yep.

Lynch [Bluntly]: …….Well, guess we better write that in our report.

Phil: “Failed mission by killing the asset we were supposed to protect”--

Lynch: We didn’t kill him!.....We just stood idly by, is all.

Phil: “Failed mission by failing to protect the asset”--

Lynch: Shut up!

Phil: Mother’s gonna have our nuts in a sling for this one.

Lynch: Not if we don’t return.

Phil: Wait, what?

Lynch: What if we don’t go back to our timeline? Let’s just…ride this one out.

Steve: You cannot be serious.

Lynch: I like my balls intact, thank you very much.

Lynch sighs, raising his head. Across from their Hind is a second Hind, the side doors open just like theirs. Standing in the open doorway is Brick, head leant out as he looks down, whooping loudly with his fishing hat in his hand.


Brick [Cupping his hands over his mouth]: HEY, BOSS, THIS IS SOME OLD SHIT RIGHT HERE I TELL YA!!! HIND’S AND SHIT?!?!?

Lynch [Cupping his hands over his mouth, angrily]: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!


Lynch slides the door shut with a resounding slam.

Lynch [Turning around]: I shall murder him.

Steve: Well, wait til we get back. We have a mission to complete.

Lynch: I’m mighty impatient, Steve.

Steve: Anyway, there’s probably a lot of murdering going on there anyway.

Lynch: I doubt that. We don’t murder, we get even in other ways. Sneaky, underhanded, vicious ways.


Back in Beale Street, Emilie gets to her feet, dusting off of her skirt.

Tavi: You alright?

Emilie: I’m going to head home. Maybe I’ll go and see Mother later.

Tavi: Are you sure about that? She’s very strict about her missions and you…Well, honey, you ain’t even trained.

Emilie: I have skills.

Tavi [Shrugging]: Either way, hon, she ain’t gonna like it.

Emilie [Smirking]: All I need is a sign and I’ll go to her.

As if at will, a few flakes of snow slowly drift from the sky, dropping on top of Emilie’s head. She looks up, watching as a small flurry of snow slowly begins to fall from the sky.

Emilie: ..Snow….

Tavi [Looking to the sky]: Snow. Never seen it before?

Emilie [Quietly]: I never knew it could fall here…

Tavi holds out her arms, feeling the snow fall as she smiles.

Tavi: The snow glows white on the mountain night. Not a footprint to be seen..A kingdom of isolation, and it looks like I’m the queen! The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside, couldn’t keep it in; Heaven knows I’ve tried! Don’t let them in, don’t let them see, be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know…Well, now they know! Let it go! Let it go! Can’t hold it back anymore!

Emilie watches, her mouth hanging agape in slight horror.

Emilie: What are you doing?

Tavi: Singing.

Emilie slowly slides down the wall, hugging her knees to her chest and covering her ears. Crumpet places his paws over his own ears, huddling against Emilie’s neck. Tavi spins on the spot, holding out her arms.

Tavi: Let it go! Let it go! Turn away and slam the door! I don't care what they're going to say! Let the storm rage on…The cold never bothered me anyway!

The doors to the Lamb and Flag open and Stephen LaMarr takes a step outside. He stops, taking one look at Tavi before slowly shaking his head and turning back around.

Stephen LaMarr [Jabbing his thumb over his shoulder]: NAH LADS, IT’S JUST THE FURRY! SHE’S GONE FUCKING NUTS!

The doors to the Lamb and Flag are shut as Emilie starts rocking slightly.

Tavi: It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small; And the fears that once controlled me, can't get to me at aaaaalllll! It's time to see what I can do, to test the limits and break through! No right, no wrong, no rules for meeeeee, I'm freeeeeeeee!

Emilie [Quietly]: Please stop..

Tavi: Let it go! Let it go! I am one with the wind and skyyyyy! Let it go! Let it go! You’ll never see me cryyyyyy! Heeere I staaaaaaand! And heeeeere I’ll staaaaayyyyyy! Let the storm rage ooooooonnn!

The doors open once more and Maurice peers his head out, looking on in disbelief.

Maurice: Aw, fuck, he was right!

Maurice slams the door shut as Tavi ignores them, her head looking at the sky as she takes in the snow!

Tavi: My power flurries through the air into the grooouuund! My soul is spiralling in frozen fractals all aroooouuund! And one thought crystallizes like an icy blaaaaassst! I’m never going back! The past is in the paaaaaaasst! Let it go! Let it go! And I’ll rise like the break of daaaawn! Let it go! Let it go! That perfect girl is gooooone! HERE I STAND, IN THE LIGHT OF DAY!! LET THE STORM RAGE OOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!! The cold never bothered me anyway..

Tavi nods her head, snorting and tearing off her parka, tossing it aside. The entire street falls still, and sound stops within the Lamb and Flag.

Emilie [Shaking her head]: I really wish I was on this mission now.

Tavi: Sometimes, you’ve just gotta--

Emilie: Please do not say ‘let it go’.

The doors to the Lamb and Flag open and Rick Sykes head peers out, looking at Tavi.

Rick Sykes: Was that you singing that shitty fucking song from a shitty fucking film?

Tavi: Yes.

Rick Sykes [Shaking his head]: You, woman, have issues. Don’t fucking do that again.

Rick slams the doors to the Lamb and Flag shut. Tavi grins wickedly.

Tavi: Say, Emilie, do you want to play a little prank?

Emilie: Does it involve these troglodytes?

Tavi [Evilly]: Yes. Very much so.

Emilie: Then yes, please! I would enjoy it much more than singing!

Tavi reaches into her back pocket, pulling out a small, rotund ball with a black fuse: A cherry bomb. With her free hand, she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a box of matches, looking around. She turns around and stops: In the alleyway opposite is a dearth of building materials, remnants of when Al and Dick had a variety of competitions to see who could outdo the other and score the most visitors. Tavi nods towards the alleyway, specifically a pile of six pieces of lumber peering just out of the entrance.

Tavi: Grab a plank, Emilie.

Emilie [Grinning goofily]: Oh my goodness! I have not experienced such fun for a long time!

Emilie trots quickly over to the alleyway, grasping a slender plank of wood which she quickly pulls out, revealing its relatively short, roughly two feet in length. Holding it in both hands, she quickly turns around and walks back over to Tavi.

Tavi: See those door handles? Put it through them.

Emilie: Post haste!

Emilie slots the plank through the door handles, effectively barring the door shut. Emilie claps her hands, grinning brightly. Tavi holds the cherry bomb out to Emilie who takes it before lighting a match, also handing it towards Emilie.

Tavi: Emilie. The honours go to you.

Emilie lights the cherry bomb, placing it delicately at the foot of the door before both her and Tavi scuttle away a few feet, watching. After a few moments, a small explosion scars the air. Tavi and Emilie listen closely as the sounds of dozens of boots hit the wooden floor, growing louder before being punctuated by the sound of thudding and yelping, the door shuddering and shaking as dozens of bodies slam into it.

Tavi [Grinning, nodding]: They truly are their son’s fathers.

Emilie: What now?

Tavi: Let’s go. They will find a way out. Until then, let us enjoy the New Year.

Tavi and Emilie walk up the street. A few moments later, Boris Hellgenstrand dives through the right-hand window which shatters violently. He rolls through, quickly getting to his feet and looking around.

Boris Hellgenstrand: WHO GOES THERE—

Boris is flattened as David Ross leaps through the broken window, tackling him to the ground…


The mercenaries look around, confused at hearing voices of known comrades seemingly emerge from the ether.

Phil [Cocking an eyebrow]: We shouldn’t have been able to hear that. I guess the time streams are awfully fragile.

Steve: Well, considering we’re converging two different points of time, I’m surprised the weakness of the time stream isn’t more pronounced. Like, where we fight velociraptors.

Bob: Does the Man in the Banana Suit count?

Steve: I notice how we never ran into him this year.

Lynch [Mumbling]: Give it fucking time..

Phil: Man, that sounds exciting.

Steve: Fighting velociraptors does not sound all too exciting to me.

The mercenaries watch as Volgin drops to his knees, letting out a hissing rumble of laughter as he flips open the gun crates: One reveals a small, red nuclear warhead, and the other a missile launcher of some description.

Phil: Ooo, new toy, Colonel?

Volgin slowly rises to his feet, clasping a large handle on the launcher.

Volgin: Excellent. A great success! Thanks to the Boss and her Cobras, I have Sokolov and the Shagohod…

Lynch: We helped.

Volgin: You certainly did. And your reward is not dying.

Steve: I find that to be a highly underrated reward.

Ocelot sniffs the air audibly before rising from his seat, turning to the young blonde and moving behind Volgin.

Ocelot: What are we going to do with the girl?

Volgin [Looking over his shoulder]: Who is she?

Ocelot: Apparently, she’s Sokolov woman.

Phil: No fucking chance!

Volgin turns, walking towards her. The woman shuffles away, turning her head away, but Volgin grasps her chin and pulls her head to face him.

Volgin: She’s a nice catch. I’ll take her.

The woman slowly reaches for her skirt pocket.

Bob [Pointing]: SHE GOT A GUN!

Volgin quickly grabs her arm, pulling it towards him to reveal a tube of lipstick. Volgin takes it and opens it to reveal no lipstick, but instead a small barrel.

Volgin: A kiss of death? Well, you were half-right.

Ocelot: Are you KGB?

Lynch: CIA?

Phil: MI-Five?

Volgin: Either way, we may be able to use her.

Volgin grasps her hand again, forcing the ‘lipstick’ tube into it.

Volgin: She has spunk.

Phil sniggers. Volgin reaches inside the metal crates, loading the nuclear warhead into the launcher.

Frank: Just don’t, Phil.

Phil: What? I was agreeing with him.

Lynch [Quietly]: Goddammit Phil, stop agreeing with the enemy!

Phil [Whispering]: Look, if they haven’t killed us yet, I refuse to class them as an enemy. And will you shut up? We’re double agents now.

Ocelot: Shall we take her back to base?

Volgin: Well, we have no further use for Sokolov’s research facility and I wish to test out this new toy. Any objections, please raise them.

Lynch [Quietly]: Me.

Volgin: Why are you so quiet?

Phil: My commanding officer seems to wish to express his hesitancy at launching a nuke into that jungle.

Lynch scowls. Volgin walks over to the side of the Hind, aiming the launcher out of it.

Volgin: Any objections? I repeat, any objections?

Ocelot and Lynch [In unison]: I--

Volgin: Overruled.

Ocelot: But Colonel, even if they are our enemies, they are still our countrymen!

Volgin: I’m well aware of that. But I’m not the one pulling the trigger: It’s our friend, the American defector.

Ocelot [Angrily, grasping Volgin]: YOU’RE GOING TO NUKE YOUR FELLOW RUSSIANS!!!

Volgin shoves Ocelot, causing him to stumble to the right and hit the floor.  Volgin simply girds himself.

Volgin: Remember the Alamo.

Lynch: Davy Crockett never fired no nukes.

Phil: I’m sure if he had a nuke, he’d have launched it right up Santa Anna’s arse.

Volgin: Exactly.

Lynch [Angrily]: Phil!!

Volgin: So, there are no objections?

Lynch: THERE ARE--

Volgin: Overruled.

Volgin presses the button on the handle. With a huge explosion and a burst of smoke, the warhead surges forward from the launcher. After a few moments, a fiery mushroom cloud rises from the jungle, sending a shockwave cascading towards them. The fleet shudders somewhat, but remains resolute as it continues to fly forward.


Volgin: My word is law. Yours is not. And while I appreciate that Kosygin has brought you here, I will not appreciate further insubordination.

Lynch walks away, clutching his lower jaw in shock and irritability, marching to the opposite side of the helicopter and folding his arms. Frank walks over, hands in his pockets.

Frank [Quietly]: Lynch?

Lynch: Snake’s still down there.

Frank: Is he dead?

Lynch: I hope not, otherwise we basically just fucked this up in record time.

Frank [Quietly]: Nah, he’s gotta be alive. Gotta be.

Lynch: I fucking hope you’re right..

The helicopters fly into the sunset, the scene fading to black.

Thursday, 30 November 2017

Metal Gear Mercenaries : The Blast In The Past - Chapter I - The Rumble in the Jungle

After the end of World War Two,
The world was split into two – East and West.
This marked the beginning of the era called the Cold War.

The camera pans across a glowing auburn sky, the sun’s first light kissing the sky and highlighting the smallest wisps of clouds that hang in the air.

The camera suddenly pans down to the floor of a large forest. The sky is no longer visible, with only visible rays of light shining down through the canopy providing any visibility. Emerald leaves slowly flutter down to the forest floor, leaving a rotting covering across the dirt and mud, providing an unmistakeably musty smell that hangs in the nostrils.

Leaves crackle, branches and snap and animals let out their cries. All of that is undisturbed as, in a small clearing, emerges Marcus Lynch. He slowly brushes off a thick covering of dust from the arms of his woodland camouflage fatigues, the sleeves rolled up to his forearms revealing heavy nicks and scratches from the jungle. He coughs loudly, a cloud of dust rolling from his mouth before he spits onto the floor.

Lynch [Impatiently]: HOW LONG HAS IT FUCKING BEEN?!

Lynch listens intently: Silence. He adjusts the waistband of his black tactical belt, strapped to his body by shoulder straps, and takes a step forward, clutching an AK-47 in his hands as he looks around.


Quiet Voice [Croaking]: Foreverrrrrr……

Lynch: Bill, just get out here.

From behind a tree emerges Bill, wearing the same fatigues as Lynch with his sleeves rolled down and a red bandana tied around his head, a goofy grin across his face. Lynch looks unimpressed as he gazes up at the bandana.

Lynch: Do you think this is Vietnam?

Bill: I need something to keep the hair out of my eyes--

Lynch [Pointing to Bill’s shaven scalp]: Hair?

Bill: No bully.

Lynch: I’ll bully if I fucking want to.

Bill: Come on, Lynch, it’s been--

Lynch: Yeah yeah, I know: Forever. But we’re finally moving!


A bush rustles nearby and Frank emerges, re-fastening his tactical belt around his waist.

Lynch: Well, I guess we’re all here in Tel…Chel….Sa………..A big fucking Russian forest.

Bill: That’s some good English, boss.

Lynch: Why are you even here?

Bill: Well, you did bring along the entire company. Or most of it.

Lynch: Oh. I forgot I brought along the retards.

Bill: Fancy yourself as a new Big Boss?

Lynch: No, I just would have liked the quiet.

Bill: Well, it’s kinda quiet--

Lynch: You’re still talking, Bill.

Bill: Is that a hint?

Lynch: Bill, you know me: That’s a threat, boy.

Bill [Cocking an eyebrow]: …I don’t quite understand..

Lynch grasps the collar of Bill’s fatigues, wrenching him close.

Lynch [Quietly]: It means shut the fuck up and start providing exposition, or else I gut you.

Bill: Exposition?

Lynch: One of us needs to be an exposition machine.

Bill: Why can’t it be you? You actually know stuff.

Lynch falls silent before looking somewhat sorrowfully at Bill.

Lynch: Man, that actually hurt to hear. Do you value yourself that little?

Bill [Shrugs]: Hey, I’ve got talents. Talents best spent at home, drinking.

Lynch: Well, we’ll be home soon enough.

Bill: Really? Cause I’m expecting this shit to take forever. I’ve heard stuff about ladder climbing that--

Lynch [Ignoring him]: Soon, Big Boss will be making his way here by means of a HALO jump.

Frank: Bunnyhopping?

Lynch: No, you curly-haired fuck, High Altitude Low Open Parachute jump. It’s so he won’t be detected considering, y’know, this is a very sensitive mission.

Frank: How sensitive?

Lynch: Frank, did you even study history? This is the Sixties. We’re Americans. We’re deep in Russian territory trying to find the Philosopher’s Legacy, a huge fucking cache of loot.

Frank: Aren’t we here to make sure Big Boss completes his mission?

Lynch: Loot first. If he succeeds we’ll call it a bonus. Anyway, I digress, this is the Cold War. Tensions are rife between America and Russia.

Bill: You mean they aren’t in our time?

Lynch: Yeah, but this was a time when we thought the pinkos would nuke us to kingdom come. Now all those weak Lenin dicksuckers do is hack our websites and ruin our online first person shooter games with broken English and aggressive commands. As such, it is a very, very, very sensitive time.

Bill: What if we get caught? Don’t we have cyanide pills?

Lynch [Chuckling]: Of course not! Mother wouldn’t supply them. She expects you to do the honourable thing of dying in a blaze of bullet riddled glory so that she may greet you in Valhalla.

Frank: Can we turn the gun on ourselves?

Lynch: Well, yeah, but that’s not nearly half as fun.

Frank: So why is Big Boss here?

Lynch sighs and reaches into the back of his pants, pulling out a thick script entitled “METAL GEAR SOLID 3: SNAKE EATER” and opening it, scanning through it.

Lynch: Right, basically, there’s some Russian scientist called Sokolov who wanted asylum in the West. He got asylum in the West. He was working on top secret projects and shit. After the Cuban Missile Crisis and the respective concessions to remove our missiles and not kill eachother, they had another concession to return Sokolov. Otherwise we’d be plunged into nuclear war.

Bill: So, basically, the Russians pulled out of Cuba just for one guy?

Lynch: Yeah, the stupid commie fucks pulled out of punching range just for one guy. Because he’s working on a major weapon.

Bill: Ooo, can we have spoilers?

Lynch rolls up the script, batting Bill on the nose and causing him to yelp.

Lynch: Shut the fuck up. We’re doing this properly. So, anyway, Big Boss is here to ensure the safety of Sokolov and we’re here to steal shit.

Frank: A truly noble cause.

Lynch: It is for us. Now, let’s get moving. I want to find the others before they turn their guns on eachother.

Frank: You say that as if we haven’t already completed two high-profile missions.

Lynch: I know that, it’s just you can never underestimate the sheer stupidity of a bunch of retards. That’s how we got the modern Russian state.

Frank: You really don’t like Russians, do you?

Lynch: Not in the slightest. Right, let’s move.

Lynch points forward towards a pathway flanked by two large rocky outcroppings before walking forward, flanked by Frank and Bill.

Bill: Ah, the sun is rising…and I hear something.

Lynch: That’s the C-One Thirty carrying the legend himself. Carry on.

Frank: We’re not gonna meet up with him?

Lynch: Fuck no. Like I said, we have our own mission. Mother wants those funds so she can kick the Patriots back to the Stone Age and kick the United Nations squarely in the dick. I say we put on her boots. Right now, we’ve got two goals: One, find the rest of the company because they’ve all wandered off somewhere. Two, get that fucking Legacy. Got it?

Frank: Got it.

Lynch: FINALLY! Now let’s go, men. We shall find the rest of our crew.

Bill: Do we have to?

Lynch: Yes. Follow me.

Lynch slings his M16 over his shoulder, marching forward and followed by Frank and Bill. Bill gazes up, looking across the canopy of leaves and branches that blot out a good portion of sunlight, only allowing a few flickering rays to shine through.

Bill: Purty.

Lynch: Shut the fuck up.

Frank: Lynch, why can’t you be nice?

Lynch: I’m nice in my own special way. That way being keeping you fucking idiots alive.

Bill: I mean, that is a good point.

Lynch: Where is my third in command? Where is Fabien?!

Bill: We’ll find him, I’m sure. If he’s not hanging from a tree somewhere, screaming at the top of his lungs.

Lynch suddenly stops, as do Bill and Frank. Lynch gazes around the jungle, remaining quiet.

Frank: Lynch?

Lynch [Quietly]: You guys hear that?

Frank: No…

Lynch: Exactly. This place is supposed to be locked up like a citadel and yet I don’t hear anything. No idle chatter, no marching, nothing.

Bill [Narrowing his eyes in concentration]: No..I hear something…

Lynch: What?

Bill: …British accents…

Lynch: Right, let’s turn back--

Frank: No, Lynch. Those accents can mean only one thing.

Lynch: Our day’s about to get worse?

Bill: Potentially.

Lynch sighs, hanging his head and grumbling before marching forward. After a minute, they come across a small clearing in the jungle, in which are Jericho, Crazy Ivan, Phil and Steve, all sat in a circle. Phil is clutching a packet of McVitie’s Digestive Biscuits, and all four of them are eating their biscuits slowly. As soon as Lynch approaches, every member of the group turns their heads.

Jericho: Hey Lynch.

Lynch: Yeah, it’s the Limeys.

Ivan: I’m not English!

Lynch: Whatever. You may as well be if you’re eating……Wait, what are you eating?

Ivan: Zis…is a digestive biscuit.

Jericho: McVities. Lovely jubbly.

Lynch: Phil, did you bring contraband with you?

Phil: Lynch, McVitie’s Digestives were around in the Sixties.

Lynch: Did the USSR develop them?

Phil: No--


Jericho: I’m not eating raw snake, Lynch! This is our sole source of nourishment as Brits!

Steve: I’m American.

Ivan: I’m Vussian.

Jericho [Coldly]: Shut the fuck up, smile and nod.

Lynch sits cross-legged in the group, placing the butt of his rifle on the ground and sighing.

Lynch: Shut up and give me one.

Jericho hands the packet over to Lynch who snatches one, quickly stuffing it into his mouth.

Phil: Hungry?

Lynch [Grunting]: Mm.

Steve: Probably not a good idea to let our guard down.

Phil: Yeah, cause this place looks really well guarded.

Lynch: Well, we passed a few dead guards earlier.

Phil; So did we. They were like that when we got here.

Bill: That old excuse?

Phil: No. Seriously. They were like that when we got here.

Jericho: Well, somebody can watch our backs while we munch biccies, eh?

Bill: I ain’t doing it.

Jericho [Sighing]: Should’ve brought Emilie along, she would have done it..

Phil: Where is Emilie anyway? She hasn’t been put on a bus after all the shit we did to bring her to life, has she?

Jericho: Of course not. She’s taking care of our house.

Phil [Eyes widening]: Jesus, wonder how she’s doing with our fathers there.


Standing outside Jericho, Phil, Steve and Ivan’s Bungalow is David Ross, staring up the five stone steps and the wooden door atop them. Flanking him are John Chevrolet and Michael Kingston.

David Ross: Alright men, we’re going to avoid this bungalow for there is an unspeakable evil within it.

John Chevrolet: What is it, Davey?

David Ross: Well, I was sleeping on the couch and it stood over, hissed something about “pure Victorian bloodlines” and the next thing I know, a rat was chewing on me nose.

Michael Kingston: And you’re SURE you weren’t drugged up?

David Ross: Mate, the only drug I touch is life.

John Chevrolet: And hard liquor.

David Ross: And hard liquor.

Michael Kingston: Bloody hell, Davey, the only thing in there is….well, supposed to be me young lads lassie.

David Ross: Why isn’t she with the rest and why is she a ghost?

Michael Kingston [Taken aback]: Wait, what? A ghost?

David Ross: Look, you doubt me? Go in.

Michael Kingston shrugs, jogging up the three steps into Jericho’s flat and thrusting the door open, stepping inside. Within seconds, he’s thrown back out and the door is slammed and locked shut. John and David crowd around Michael who is laying splayed in the sands, staring up at the sky.

Michael Kingston [Smiling]: Son, you’re living the dream: You found a woman who can beat the shit out of you.

David Ross: C’mon, Mickey, get up. And don’t doubt me again, yeh piece of shite.


Jericho: She’ll be alright.

Lynch: I’m more worried about Maurice and Moe. And the furry.

Phil: Tavi'll be fine. She'll kill anything that gets between her and Stephen.

Steve: Moe and Maurice will be fine too. They’re tough. [Bitterly] Which beggars the question as to why we didn’t bring them.

Lynch: To be fair, we’re pushing it bringing you lot. If it was up to me alone, there’d be at least ten more of you left at home.

Steve: Like who?

Lynch [Snapping]: You if you don’t mind your fucking business.

Steve: Like who?

Jericho: Leave it, Steve, none of us are going home yet.

Steve: A man can try.

Phil: You mean you aren’t excited to traipse through a forest filled with Russian soldiers?

Steve: Well, when you put it that way..

Lynch: Alright, enough lollygagging, we need to find the others.

Phil: Can’t we just do the mission ourselves?

Lynch: And leave the rest stuck in the timewarp?

Phil: Yeah.

Lynch: Trust me, I’ve thought about it many times since arriving, but it probably doesn’t seem to be a good idea to really fuck with time. Like, really fuck with it.

Jericho: Yeah, the very fabric of the space-time continuum seems like something you don’t want to kick in the bollocks.

Lynch: Up and on me. They can’t have gotten very far.

Steve: It’s a big jungle.

Bill: For--

Lynch: If you finish that sentence, I will snap your neck. Now shut the fuck up and follow me.

Phil: But—

Lynch: Stand up. Shut up. Follow me.

Phil, Jericho, Ivan and Steve grumble amongst themselves, rising to their feet. Lynch marches forward past a fallen tree, heading North through a small cut between two large rocks. As he walks forward through a large patch of grass, his foot hits something, causing him to stumble. He stops, twisting around and looking around the area.

Frank: Everything alright, Mar--

Lynch [Coldly]: Don’t you fucking finish that sentence….

Ivan: Ah, vell, I see ze problem.

Lynch: Which is?

Ivan leans down into the grass before pulling up the body of a Russian soldier with several bulletholes riddled into his torso.

Ivan: Zis soldier has a case of death.

Phil: One of ours?

Ivan: Clumsy spray? Loose grouping of wounds? I vould say so, da.

Lynch: Let’s keep moving, then.

Lynch marches forward once more, through a second patch of grass before stumbling again.

Ivan: Zere is another one--

Lynch: Look, let’s just ignore the corpses, there’s bound to be more.

Lynch leads the group around another fallen tree, split close to the base of the trunk with the rest of the tree leant against a large, craggy rock. The clearing leads to the right, but a patch of grass to the left, this time with a body half-hidden inside of it, indicates the correct path. Slowly trudging up a small hill, they eventually reach the top of a small embankment. Lynch throws his right arm up, forcing the mercenaries to stop.

Phil [Quietly]: What is it?

Lynch [Quietly]: There’s a soldier manning that bridge.

Phil [Quietly]: Should I take the shot?

Lynch [Quietly]: No, the soldier’s slouching so I think it’s one of ours..

Phil [Quietly, after a small pause]: ….I reiterate the question.

Frank [Quietly]: Who are we shooting?

Lynch [Hissing]: You if you don’t shut up!

Steve [Quietly]: The soldier isn’t even moving. He’s just standing there..

Lynch [Quietly]: Right, cover me.

Lynch slides down the embankment, followed by the others. As soon as the other soldier notices the mercenaries, he grasps his ski-mask and rips it off: Standing in front of the rope bridge is none other than Jon, assault rifle at the ready as he glares ahead, tossing his ski mask aside. To his right is a dead Russian soldier, splayed on the ground and riddled with bullet-holes. Jon’s eyes don’t move an inch, glaring straight ahead. The man himself stands still and resolute, not moving a single inch even as the other mercenaries approach him.

Phil: Aw, look, the troll’s guarding the bridge.

Jon [Angrily]: FUCK YOU!

Phil [Mimicking a troll’s voice]: “WHAT IS YER FAVOURITE COLOUR?!”

Jon [Lunging forward]: I’LL GUT YOU!!!

Phil: I thought you’d club me and eat my bones?

Lynch: Phil, stop taunting Jon! Jon, what are you doing here?!

Jon [Aiming down the iron sights]: I have express orders to guard this bridge.

Lynch: I gave no such orders!

Jon [Looking down at the corpses]: These guys told me they were guarding the bridge. Then I shot them.

Lynch: So you shot a soldier and took their place because….?

Jon: I figured you guys would come this way. Or somebody would. If nobody did, I would be the guardian of this bridge forever.

Lynch: You’ve gotta stop injecting nanomachines, they’re making you madder than Ivan and we’ve given him the epiphet “Crazy”.

Jon: No. And stop using fancy words.

Lynch: Sorry, bridge troll, my education’s showing.

Jon [Grimacing]: Let’s just go and find the others.

Lynch [Impatiently]: THEN FUCKING MOVE!!!

Jon spins around on his heels, pointing ahead across the bridge.

Jon: Then let us move.

Jon takes three steps across the bridge before it starts to sway gently.

Phil: Yeah, I’m not crossing that.

Lynch: It’s just a rickety rope bridge suspended over a chasm, what could go wrong?

Phil: You literally explained it all in what you just said!

Lynch: Where’s your sense of adventure?

Phil: Back home, in bed!

Lynch: Right, here’s what’s going to happen: We’re going to cross the bridge. If you do not cross the bridge, I am going to shoot every single one of you and complete this mission myself.

Jericho: That’s just not nice.

Lynch [Switching the safety off on his rifle]: I’ll give you to the count of three--

The mercenaries slowly start to file ahead across the bridge, with Lynch following up the rear and Jon bringing up the front. The bridge sways slightly in the gentlest of breezes, the rickety planks creaking beneath their feet. Lynch grasps the ropes to either side of him.

Lynch [Laughing]: SHALL WE SWING?!

Jericho: If you do, you’re going over the fucking bridge.

Phil: And he may not have a choice in it, given how fucking rickety it is.

Jon [Glumly]: There’s nothing wrong with death.

Ivan: Shut ze vuck up.

Phil: Jon, you’re making Bob sound like a perfectly cheerful and well-balanced individual. Do you want to talk about it?

Jon: So you can call me a troll again?

Phil: You know we’re joking, ya dumb fuck.

Jon: Shut up and keep walking, you fucking hobo.

Phil: See? We’re all friends here.

Lynch: Keep walking, stop talking.

The mercenaries slowly continue their slow march across the bridge.

Steve: Y’know, I hate heights.

Jericho: How are you coping, then?

Steve: Poorly.

Phil: Just keep walking, Steve. What’s the worst that could happen?

Jon: Bridge could collapse and send us plummeting to our death.

Phil: See? Things are looking up already!

Jon [Scowling]: And you fucking insult me for being suicidal?!

Phil: Because I’m not glum about it. Nor am I particularly serious about it.

Jon: Neither am I!

The group slowly sidle off of the end of the bridge and, thankfully, back onto solid land. Steve sighs shakily, dusting off his legs as Lynch turns to the group, scanning over them.

Lynch: Don’t worry, we’ll doubtlessly have to do that several more times.

Steve [Sighing]: Yeah, I know.

Lynch: Relax, as long as I’m here, nobody’s gonna get thrown off of it. Now come on, let’s find the rest of these retards.

Lynch turns around, walking into a large clearing. The clearing winds around to the left, and then to the right, flanked by trees and moss-covered rocks. Cutting through patches of grass and between the titanic trees standing guard, Lynch leads the men through the winding path and into Rassvet.


The group emerge into Rassvet and, clearly, where Sokolov is held, as a large abandoned factory simply sits in the forest. The factory, to use the term loosely, is mostly blown apart: The brick walls that once surrounded it blown apart and without a roof to speak of. Most of the factory merely consists of a large steel frame, sitting atop broken concrete flooring. The wind whistles around them, causing the frame to creak ominously and the grass peering through the broken flooring to rustle quietly. Lynch scans the rusted steel skeleton of the factory, nodding to himself.

Jericho: So, why are we here?

Lynch: Big Boss will be here soon to find a scientist named Sokolov working on a top secret weapon for the Russians and bring him home to the United States.

Steve [Confused]: …..And this scientist was…working here?

Lynch: ..Can’t be. Must just be hiding him here.

Jericho: Right, let me get this straight: The Russians are hiding Sokolov here.

Lynch: Supposedly.

Jericho: Rather than in a highly guarded base?

Lynch: ..Supposedly.

Jericho: Does nobody..NOBODY else get a feeling it’s a trap?

Jon: Hold on. He’s right. Where are the guards?

Lynch: On me.

Bill dusts off Lynch’s back. Lynch stops, a vein pulsing in his forehead as he slowly closes his eyes.

Lynch [Quietly]: Please tell me that you were doing that as a very stupid joke.

Bill: …Yeah.

Jon: Liar.

Walking out of the clearing, a long iron fence juts forward from a rock to their right, encapsulating the factory area. Hung over two barrels just ahead of them is another Russian guard, neck visibly broken and arms hanging limply. As they move forward into the main area, they notice a second guard doubled over one of the blasted brick walls of the factory, a bullet-hole between his eyes.

Lynch: Hm. Looks like the sentries have been dealt with.

Jon: Efficiently, too.

The group of mercenaries slowly approach the factory. Phil walks over to the body, grasping the head and lifting it slightly.

Phil: Damn, right between the eyes.

Lynch: Must be a crack shot.

Jericho: So Big Boss is already here, then.

Phil: Must be, unless—

Almost on cue, a figure crawls out from beneath the sizeable gap in the broken concrete floor and lunges up, wrapping its thick right arm around Phil’s neck and pulls him close. Lynch sighs, watching as Fabien stands up fully, eyes darting around.

Fabien [Angrily]: I HAVE ZE YETI!!!

Phil: Uh, Fabien, it’s me.

Fabien stops, looking down at the top of Phil’s head.

Fabien: Oh. Bonjour, Philipe.

Phil: Bonjour Fabien.

Fabien quickly releases Phil, dusting himself off and clearing his throat, clicking his heels together.

Fabien: I apologise.

Lynch: There’s my crazy French bastard! How’s it going, froggy?

Fabien: Is veally quiet here, my friend! All I have heard is some whining!

Lynch: Ah, so you’ve found the rest of the company then?

Fabien: Zey are all here.

Fabien leads Lynch to the right around the factory, where one of the blasted out walls connects to a fully-formed room, the upper-right most room of the entire complex, complete with a broken window. Nestled in this outer corner of the building are the rest of the mercenaries, huddled around two large trees and talking amongst themselves.

Sal: Hey boss.

Eligio: Hola.

Robbie: Guten tag.

Will: What they said.

Lynch counts quietly to himself before stopping, his eyes darting across the group.

Lynch: Hang on, where’s Vince?

Billy: We lost ‘im.

Jon: How?!

Billy: Well, we did stop paying attention on purpose.

Lynch: Good point.

Jon [Pointing at the window]: I’m gonna take a guess and say Sokolov’s in there?

Johnny: Well, we have heard the sound of things being burnt. And the smell of smoke.

Billy: So it could be any of us, aye?

Sal [Nodding]: He’s got a point.

Frank: Hang on, none of you have actually checked?

Bob: Ain’t our job. We’re not getting paid per task here.

Lynch: Seriously, can someone find Vince?!

Brick [Laughing]: You don’t think he’s gotten that far, do you?!

Lynch: Have you seen the Special Olympics? Them fuckers are FAST!

Mustafa [Wincing slightly]: Fucking hell, boss.

Marcos: I chuckled. Slightly.

Lynch sighs, looking around before stopping: Huddled against the iron fence, directly to the right of the mercenaries, is a bush. The “bush”, however, is slowly inching northwards up the fence. Lynch sighs, motioning towards the bush.

Lynch: Really?

Bob [Turning his head]: See! There he is!

Voice [Suspiciously close to where the bush is]: You see nothing!

Sal slowly walks over to the ‘bush’.

Sal: Wow. This bush is moving.

The ‘bush’ stops. Sal sighs, unzipping his pants.

Sal: Better water it.

Vince: Please don’t.


Vince [Whining]: C’mon, guys, i’m trying to be sneaky!

Sal: For what purpose?? There’s an entire company of mercenaries here!

Vince: Just in case we get snuck up on—

Gravelly Voice: Boo.

Vince screams for a few seconds before stopping and fainting. Standing up behind Vince is the chiselled figure of none other than Big Boss, wearing khaki army fatigues with the sleeves rolled up to his forearms and a black utility belt with a holster attached. Holding his pistol in his right hand and his knife in his left, he slowly drops his arms by his side, watching the mercenaries with suspicion.

Tim: Big Boss!

Big Boss [Confused]: …What?

Fabien: Isn’t zat your codename? Big Boss?

Big Boss: …No. It’s Naked Snake.

Robbie: How quaint.

Fabien: How erotic!

The mercenaries look aside at Fabien.

Fabien [Confused]: Vat? Zat’s vat we say, isn’t eet?! Because snake is slang for his penis--

Phil: Leave the sex jokes to us, we’ll leave the killing to you.

Lynch: How did you get here so fast?!

Snake [Shrugging]: I snuck past a group of retards eating biscuits.

Bill: That explains that then.

Steve: We were hungry, what can we say?

Lynch: We’re all just happy it wasn’t an enemy or anything.

Snake: So, are you with Major Tom?

Lynch: Who now?

Snake: Major Tom? Or The Boss?

A silence descends across the mercenaries.

Frank: We’re on your side.

Snake: My side?

Will: Yeah. Think of us as your insurance policy.

Phil: In that you don’t ever fucking need us, but boy would you be fucked if you didn’t have us.

Snake [Nodding]: I guess that clears that up. Slightly. So, where’s Sokolov? Is he alive?

Billy: Well, we took care of the sentries--

Fabien: Zat vas me and Billy. Ze vest stood lookout.

Marcos: Hey, I threw a guy into the air.

On cue, a huge thud echoes throughout the area as, around the corner to the right of the mercenaries, the body of a Russian soldier collapses onto the dirt.

Bobby: That was some good air you got on him.

Marcos: Nah, he just got caught in a tree.

Snake [Impatiently]: Is. Sokolov. Alive?!

Brick: Yeah, he’s burning shit in that there room.

Snake walks past the mercenaries, grasping a piece of floor left unprotected by a wall and wrenching himself up onto it, turning right and walking through a doorway into the ruin of the factory.

Lynch: Hold up here, I’m gonna accompany him. Fabien? You’re in charge while we do.

Frank: But what about me?

Lynch [After a short pause]: …Fabien, you’re in charge.

Lynch turns, pulling himself up onto the floor and turning right, walking forward and following Snake who turns right into the room with the window. On the northern wall is a large metal door, heavily rusted. Snake slowly approaches it, flanked by Lynch.

Snake: This your mission too, huh?

Lynch: As we said, we’re your insurance policy.

Snake: So who on Earth is your CO?

Lynch: Someone higher than Zero and the Boss, that’s for sure.

Snake [Grunting]: Hm. If you say so.

Lynch: You get the honours, Snake.

Snake: Alright.

Snake slowly eases the door open: On one knee in front of a cast iron stove, flicking through several papers scattered around his feet, is Sokolov. Wearing a black leather overcoat with a brown waistcoat, trousers and a grey striped tie, the aging Russian scientist squints from behind a monocle as he examines a piece of paper before casting it into the fires.

Snake: ..You must be Sokolov.

The scientist twists around, wrinkling his nose and rustling his moustache.

Sokolov: Are you one of Volgin’s men?

Sokolov proceeds to stuff more papers into the fires which roar furiously.

Sokolov [Angrily]: You’ll never get it from me!

Snake wrinkles his nose, opening his arms.

Snake: No, I’m CIA.

Bill’s Voice: HE’S A BIG G—

Bill’s voice is cut off by a tremendous crack, followed by a thud. Lynch walks over to the window, looking out at Bobby who is clutching a large plank of wood and standing over Bill.

Lynch: Thanks, Bobby.

Snake: I’ve come to escort you to the other side of the Iron Curtain. Y’know, the good side. With fun. And less blown-up buildings.

Sokolov [Rising to his feet]: You’re CIA?

Vince’s Voice: FOR Y--

A second crack, followed by a thud is heard. Lynch turns to the window, looking at Eligio who is standing over Vince clutching a blackjack.

Lynch: Thanks, Eligio.

Snake: Yeah, I was sent by Major Zero. Y’know, the Limey who got you out two years ago before we gave you up.

Sokolov: Zero..

Snake: I have a message from him: “Sorry for being so late”.

Sokolov smirks.

Sokolov [Quietly]: Did he now?

Snake: Yeah. What does it mean?

Sokolov: It means he’s a man of his word….but we’ve got no time for this. You’ve got to get me out of here before THEY arrive.

Snake: ..They?

Sokolov: Colonel Volgin of GRU. You in the West know him as ‘Thunderbolt’.

Lynch: That’s a stupid fucking name.

Snake [Confused]: Yeah, never heard of no ‘Thunderbolt’.

Sokolov: He’s a member of the Russian Army’s extremist faction. A man who seeks to seize control of the Motherland. Ever since the Cuban Missile Crisis two years ago, Khrushchev has been pursuing a policy of peaceful co-existence with the West. Despite resistance and criticism from hawks in the army, and from the provincial authorities, Khrushchev has managed to suppress the opposition so far, but the failure of his agricultural policies has put him in a precarious position and, on top of that, the tragedy last November…

Snake: President Kennedy’s assassination…

Sokolov: Precisely. In a sense, Khrushchev has lost his biggest partner, and his power base is rapidly crumbling away. A certain group is plotting to use this opportunity to seize power by rallying the anti-government forces, overthrowing Khrushchev and installing Brezhnev and Kosygin in his place. The mastermind behind this plot is Colonel Volgin of GRU.

Lynch snorts.

Lynch [Under his breath]: Man, if only you know that Brezhnev fucker and his eyebrows would hold power for eighteen years..

Sokolov: He has control over another top-secret weapons facility, much like this one: OKB Eight-One-Two, known as the Granin Design Bureau, and is using it to further his plans. But that isn’t enough to satisfy him: He’s planning to seize the secret weapon I have been developing here and use it as leverage in his bid for power. The intelligence says that they are going to make their move during the test.

Snake: So, the soldiers outside…or what was left of them…

Sokolov: They wouldn’t need that many men to keep me inside. Their orders were to prevent Colonel Volgin from capturing me. Even if it meant killing me in the process..or so it would seem.

Sokolov approaches the window, looking out of it. Lynch remains straight-faced until Sokolov paces away.

Lynch [Hissing]: Fuck, knew we shouldn’t have killed ‘em..

Sokolov: Volgin will come. I am sure of it. You must get me out of here before then!

Snake: No problem, leave it to me.

Sokolov: By the way, your Russian is superb. Where did you learn to speak it?

Snake: ..From my mentor.

Sokolov: Is that so? America is truly a frightening country.

Snake [Patting Sokolov’s arm]: Having second thoughts?

Sokolov [Coldly]: No. I have no love for this place. Let’s go.

Snake nods, getting on one knee to communicate with Major Tom. Lynch slowly walks outside, vaulting over the broken wall and into the group of mercenaries. Vince and Bill are now sat up, rubbing their heads.

Fabien: How are we?!

Lynch: Fine. We’re getting ready to head out.

Dave: You think it’s gonna be that easy? Oh, my sweet Summer child!

The door creaks open and Snake lunges out, aiming down his Mk. 22 Tranquilizer pistol and looking around. The mercenaries follow Snake as he makes his way through the building, flanked by Sokolov, and out into a small, open area close to the factory.

Fabien: I sense danger.

Robbie: So do I. It’s obvious.

Eligio: Can anybody else say ‘obvious trap’?

Joseph: Yep. It’s clear as day. Five..

Marcos: Four.

Fabien: Trois!

Steve: Two.


As they take a few more steps, the rattling of weaponry is heard. The mercenaries let out an exasperated sigh.

Soldier: FREEZE!

Suddenly, several khaki-clad soldiers, wearing hooded jackets and face covers, move out into the open, encircling Snake, Sokolov and the mercenaries and aiming down the sights of their AK-74 rifles.

Dave: Yeah. No shit.

The mercenaries respond by raising their rifles, aiming at the soldiers.

Snake [Quietly]: Hold your fire, we need Sokolov back alive.

Lynch [Quietly}: You heard the man: Don’t pull those triggers.

Young Voice: So this is the legendary Boss..

Spurs clatter as boots march forward. Twirling a Makarov in his right hand via the trigger guard, a young man, clad in a black officers uniform with a scarlet beret, marches forward. With two medal pins on his right chest and several medal ribbons on his left chest, the man is clearly a formidable opponent despite his fresh, young face and cold blue eyes.

Soldier: You…you’re from the Ocelot unit of Spetsnaz!

One of the soldiers gasps, backing up slightly.

Soldier: What’s a GRU soldier doing here?

The young man stops spinning his Makarov.

GRU Officer [Disgusted]: Soldier?

The man points a red leather-gloved finger at the Russian soldier before adjusting his beret.

Second Soldier: That’s the Ocelot unit’s commander.

GRU Officer [Chuckling]: That’s Major Ocelot to you.

The man spins around with a flourish, spreading his arms.

Major Ocelot: And don’t you forget it!

Jon: Oh God please let me just fucking shoot him.

Time seems to freeze. Ocelot, Snake, the Russian soldiers and the mercenaries exchange awkward looks before the Soldier finally speaks up.

Russian Soldier: Sokolov is ours. Now get out of here.

Major Ocelot: An ocelot NEVER lets his prey escape..


Lynch [Hissing]: Shut up!

Russian Soldier: What?!

Lynch: Boys, hit the dirt.

Will: Good idea.

Snake shoves Sokolov down and the mercenaries leap to the ground or, rather, fall into a mass dogpile as Ocelot swiftly pulls back the slide of the Makarov, firing five shots, the speed of which causes his beret to fall from his head. Every soldier surrounding them is killed with the exception of the first soldier, who is wounded in the shoulder and writhes on the ground, groaning. Another soldier, on the roof to the upper-left, gasps and watches. Ocelot spins the Makarov by the trigger guard before aiming at the soldier who yelps, ducking down behind a wall. Ocelot smirks, turning to a steel beam on the roof and firing at it. Defying physics, the bullet ricochets off of the beam and hits the soldier, causing him to collapse off of the roof and hit a metal storage box on the way down.

Bill: That’s fucking insane!

Ocelot approaches the wounded soldier, firing his Makarov down again and killing the soldier. Ocelot kicks the body aside, leaning down and taking his beret before placing it on his head.

Major Ocelot: I can’t say it feels good to kill a comrade, even if it is for the GRU.

Sokolov whimpers as Snake climbs to his feet.

Snake: Sokolov, take cover.

Sokolov swiftly runs off. Ocelot opens his arms before bending forward slightly, looking into Snake’s eyes and grunting somewhat.

Majoe Ocelot: You’re not the Boss, are you?

Snake remains silent. The mercenaries slowly rise to their feet.

Lynch: Johnny, Tim, Bill, Jon: Guard Sokolov.

Johnny, Tim, Bill and Jon rush off to find Sokolov. Ocelot turns around, rolling his head and letting out what can best be described as the weird cry or call of a wildcat. The mercenaries and Snake fall silent, hearing boots thunder around them. Several soldiers, clad in the same uniform as Ocelot with the addition of black ski mask, swiftly surround them, aiming down their weapons at him.

Phil: Fuck, it’s our worst fear.

Jericho: It can’t be…

Lynch: Yeah, it’s--

Vince [Screaming and pointing at Ocelot]: A FURRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The scene fades to black.