Halloween Special 2014


The scene opens up deep within mercenary territory: The Lamb and Flag, to be exact. The howling wind outside, blowing sand through Beale Street, whistles throughout the pub, a sound dulled by the distinct noise of chatter. In the pub itself, Lynch is sitting on the wooden bar, looking ahead at the mercenaries, all of whom are sitting around the circular tables dotted around the room. Dick is stood behind the bar, arms folded and watching as Lynch hops down from the bar, clapping his hands and gaining the attention of his mercenaries.

Lynch: Right, are we all here?

Lynch's eyes dart around the room. Maurice and Moe are stood to the left of the bar, in front of the door to the kitchen with their arms folded. The mechanics are sat around the table closest to the bar. Johnny, Tim, Sal, Billy and Vince are sat around the table closest to the door. Tavi, Phil, Jericho, Steve and Ivan are sat around the table to the right of Johnny's. Jon, Brick, Bill, Samuel, Dean and Karab are sat at the table between the doors to the toilets at the northern end of the room, while Frank, Will, Robbie, Dave and Bob are sat the table behind that which the mechanics are sat. Tavi raises her right arm and suddenly shakes her head. Lynch narrows his eyes, looking over at her.

Tavi: Courtney's not here.

Lynch [Cautiously]: ....Why?

Tavi: Well, I tried to encourage her to come along, said it's gonna be awesome, there might be ghosts and stuff...but she kinda blew me off.

Lynch [Suspiciously]: ........Why?

Tavi [Shrugging]: Said she was gonna go to Maryland instead. Sykesville or Baltimore or somewhere. Then she put on a cowboy hat and a plaid shirt and left.

Phil [Laughing]: BALTIMORE?!

Dave: From one wartorn shithole to an even bigger wartorn shithole! Good on her!

Jericho: And she's now dressing like a fuckin' country bumpkin? Wasn't she a goth or something?

Tavi [Shrugging]: I don't know, guys. She's off on her own path. A non-Goth, hillbilly path.

Jon [Waving his right arm]: Vote her out of the company!

Dave: Why Maryland?

Tavi: New boyfriend.

Dave: Bet he's mentally damaged. Nobody lives in Maryland without mental--

Lynch [Interjecting]: Alright, shut up, we're here to discuss our holiday, not our tiny mentally deranged goth kid. Besides, if we're going to vote anyone out, it'll be Jon.

Jon [Angrily]: WHY ME?!

Brick: Yer too angry!


Frank [Taken aback]: Jon, chill.

Jon [Twisting his body and pointing at Frank]: FUCK YOU, YOU WASTE OF CARBON!!!!!!!!

Johan [Looking over]: Sit down, Jon. You’re just making yourself angrier.

Lynch [Whistling shrilly]: SHUT UP, LADIES! We're here for a very important matter, do you understand?!

Maurice: Aye.

Lynch turns around, clasping his hands on the bar and looking at Dick. Dick nods, turning around and leaning up above the bar, gripping a small piece of string attached to a rolled-up white object. The object unfurls, revealing a large screen used for a projector. The screen, however, has several photographs attached to it. Dick throws Lynch a black pointer which he snatches, vaulting over the bar and turning around to face the mercenaries.

Lynch: So, where should we go for our Halloween holiday?!

Lynch taps a photo depicting an old, decrepit dock, eaten away by age, in front of a dark lake.

Lynch [Grinning hopefully]: Here's a lovely little lake! Good for some fishing and apparently haunted by pirates!

Moe: Where the hell is this lake?!

Lynch: Iowa.

Moe [Taken aback]: Fucking hell, pirates in Iowa? Does anyone even live in Iowa?

Bill: Nobody lives in Iowa. They merely submit to a horrendously painful existence until they die.

Phil [Pointing at a picture on the whiteboard, depicting a skeletal castle in front of a large, dark lake]: Hang on, how about that old, haunted, ancient Scottish castle?

Lynch: Nah, too dark.

Phil: Of course it's too dark, it's a fucking castle! Actually, that's Urquhart Castle too, even better!

Lynch [Narrowing his eyes]: Are you an expert on castles, limey?

Phil: No, I just know that castle. We might find Nessie!

Jericho: I'm voting 'no' simply because it'd end up with us skinny-dipping into the loch. Leading to major shrinkage and crying about sniffles afterwards.

Eligio: Unless you’re Jon, then you’ll just complain about the lake being there!

Jon [Spinning around in his seat and pointing over]: FUCK YOU!

Eligio laughs, flipping the bird at Jon who scowls violently before turning back in his seat to face the photos.

Lynch: Hang on, it's on the edge of a lake?

Lynch looks closer at the photo.

Sal: Well, of course. It's next to Loch Ness.

Lynch: Right, we'll consider the castle filled with skirt-wearing men.

Jon [Pointing at a picture of a skeletal hut in a forest]: How about that abandoned hut in a swamp in the middle of Cousinsmarry, Tennessee?

Lynch [Stroking his chin]: Nah, there's no ghosts or hauntings but far too many inbred killer hillbillies.

Jon: We could visit Brick's family.

Brick [Spitting on the floor]: Fuck you.

Eligio: Nothing like a stand-off with rednecks to get the blood pumping!

Tim: Yes, but can we keep the blood inside our bodies for this trip?! Dave almost lost a finger last time!

Johnny: How is your finger, Dave?

The mercenaries turn their heads to Dave. Dave holds up his right hand: The once torn, mangled finger has been cleaned up and, although the finger itself appears to be red, indicative that it is still healing, the middle section and tip of the finger is crafted of metal, segmented at the joints. Dave slowly clenches his hands, the finger bending slowly as it does.

Dave: Awesome, huh? The Academy says that, given a few more injections, it should respond to my body as if it was my own!

Dave opens his hand and the finger straightens out. Dave stops for a second before a thin blade extends two inches out from where the fingernail would be located.

Mustafa: Woah!

Dave: See? It reacts with my bodies electrical field. All I gotta do is think it and it'll pop out!.....Although I'm never going to scratch my head with it.

Frank: Yeah, i'd think twice about scratching your nose with that thing.

Tavi: Or....y'know.

Dave [Looking over at Tavi]: What?

Tavi coughs slightly, closing her right hand into a fist and jerking it a few times.

Dave [Taken aback]: ....Mash potatoes?

Tavi [With disdain]: Oh, come on, you can’t be THAT dense!

Lynch [Interjecting]: She means jacking off.

Dave [Laughing]: I knew what she meant! I was just jerking her around.

Tavi [Looking over, muttering wryly]: In your dreams, little man.

Dave [Turning in his seat and winking]: Aw, hell, I know it’s in my dreams!

A sudden silence punctuates his remark. Tavi looks flustered and somewhat angry, the fur on her cheeks bristling slightly as Dave face slowly falls, realising his remark.

Robbie [Looking at Dave]: Just shut your mouth.

Dave [Whimpering]: Okay.

Lynch [Pointing at a wooden hut in the middle of a dark forest]: Right, shut about. How about this hut in Germany? In a haunted forest?

Robbie: I like it!

That Other Random Guy: Of course you would!

Johan [Resting his arms on the table]: Can't we get someone with, y'know, room? Not just a small hut?

Karab: Yeah, there are several of us, y'know?

Lynch turns to the board, pointing out a large lodge situated in the midst of a skeletal forest.

Lynch: I like this: This weird lodge in the middle of nowhere. Situated right near a haunted forest, a haunted spring and a haunted shrine. In Japan.

The mercenaries mumble in agreement.

Bob [Giving a thumbs up]: Just the right amount of cliché!

Bill: Sweet! Gonna score me some Jap poontang!

Jon: Can you NOT be so vile? It's 'Japanese'!

Lynch: Well, we've chosen our location. I'll put in the request to Mother and see if we can fly in next week. Make sure you pack everything in advance, though, I don't want any of you scrambling around at the last minute having forgotten things.

Steve: Everyone, pack your cell phones and their chargers. We don't want them to conveniently run out of power.

A murmuring of agreement rolls through the Lamb and Flag.

Bill [Raising his hand]: Pack weapons. And guns. And ammo. Lots of ammo.

Another murmuring of agreement rolls through the Lamb and Flag.

Dave: Don't forget condoms. Horny teenagers always die--

Frank: We're mostly middle-aged men and there's only going to be one female who would snap our necks if we went anywhere near her. We don't have to worry about that.

Every head suddenly turns to Johnny and Tim, who look around.

Johnny: ....I'll pack some.

The mercenaries shrug, murmuring in agreement. Dick slams his palms down on the bar, forcing every mercenary to look over at him.

Dick: I'm coming too!

Lynch: ....Okay? Fuck, what about Al and Dion?

The doors are thrust open: Dion, wearing a turqouise suit, tie and black shirt, and Al, wearing his brown jacket, black trousers, white shirt and red tie, stand in the doorway, bald heads glistening in the sun.

Al: We're coming too!

Dion [Raising his fist]: We demand to join this holiday!....Even though we don't really work.....And I just arrived here.

Lynch [Pointing at]: Fine, but you're contributing the most to paying for our tickets.

Al: Alright!

Lynch slams his fist down on the bar. The mercenaries jump slightly, but Lynch grins.

Lynch [Giddily]: That settles it! THE MERCENARIES ARE OFF TO JAPAN!!

A raucous cheer goes up from the mercenaries, aside from a constant, droning boo from Jon. Bill grasps a bottle of Budweiser, pouring it over Jon's head. The mercenaries laugh and Jon scowls, wiping his face rapidly and flicking his hand, spraying droplets of beer onto Bill.

Bill [Laughing]: Ah, shit, Jon, you need to be happier!

Samuel: Seriously, man, you need to lighten up or you'll be dying of a heart attack by, like, forty.

Jon [Narrowing his eyes]: Fuck you, greenhorn.

Samuel [Irritably]: I'm not a greenhorn, you prick! I'm a veteran!

Frank [Looking over]: He's right, y'know: The boy's earned his spurs. He can drink at the table of the big boys.

Jon [Turning in his chair, leaning over the back and looking at Frank]: I will gut you, cunt.

Lynch: Alright, seriously, Jon, i'm going to see if I can get you some medical marijuana just to make you mellow. You're the most irritable cunt I know.

Jon: I never asked to be here!

Dick takes the pictures down from the screen, collecting them in his hands.

Dick [Calmly]: Jon, I've got a few bags beneath the bar. I'll roll one up, you smoke it and be fucking happy for once.


Maurice [Turning his head and looking at Dick]: 'Ere, what are you doing with weed?

Dick [Shrugging]: I smoke. Between you assholes and running a bar, it's the only moment of relaxation I get.

Johnny [Looking over]: Never would've took a Londoner for a recreational marijuana user. Caviar, maybe, but marijuana?

Dick [Looking over his shoulder]: I'm from Hammersmith, mate, there's enough drugs peddled there to turn Columbia into an economic powerhouse.

Frank: Wait, you're English?

Dick slowly hangs his head.

Moe [In disbelief]: What did you think his accent was, Dutch?!?!?

Frank [Shrugging meekly]: I just thought he was faking it..

Dick [Shaking his head]: Frank, mate, I sometimes wonder whether or not you'd be able to survive without people holding your hand or explaining to you how to breathe occasionally.

Dick turns around, shoving the pictures beneath the bar and placing his hands on the bar, now holding a small remote.

Dave: We all wonder that.

Phil: Man, now that we're going somewhere haunted, someone really is going to have to hold his hand!

Frank: C'mon, Phil, I'm not THAT incompetent.......Am I?

Phil [Thinking]: .....Well....Hm...I guess you're not THAT incompetent. I think you're more of a company mascot, though. Like..."Look, ye Academy, and despair: Here be the man who once drank rocket fuel and gave nary a blink of the eye!"

Dean: Or the time he drank pure ethanol!

Karab: Frank, serious question: How are you still alive?

Frank: I don't know, but knowing this universe, the answer is nanomachines.

Jon [Leaping to his feet, angrily]: NANOMACHINES?!??! THOSE LITTLE FUCKERS!!!! WHERE ARE THEY?!??!!?

Bill [Standing up and pushing down on Jon's right shoulder]: Alright, alright, calm down, calm down...No nanomachines here...

Frank: Well, anyway, the holiday has been confirmed, so let's watch some ECW!


Lynch laughs, vaulting over the bar as Dick aims his remote up at the ceiling, pressing a button. One of the tiles slowly descends from the ceiling, holding a large projector in. With the click of a second button, the projector turns on, eliciting a roar of approval from the mercenaries.

Lynch: Well, why not? White trash men will love white trash sports..

Dick [Placing a bottle of Budweiser on the bar]: Yeah, well, be careful: They're an impressionable lot.

Lynch takes the bottle, taking a swig and raising his eyebrows in agreement.


Having made landfall at Tokyo International Airport, the mercenaries, armed with ill-fitting Hawaiian shirts, tacky and dull cargo shorts and black socks with sandals, made haste on their journey to their guest house. Not a ryokan, a traditional Japanese inn, their hotel promises moderate comforts in exchange for being situated in one of the most accursed places in Japan.

Heading on foot to their hotel, their trek takes them through Aokigahara Forest. This magnificent forest, lying on the North-West base of Mount Fuji, is beautiful and breath-taking. The ground is made of volcanic rock, much tougher than dirt, adding a slight crackle to the steps of the mercenaries as they walk forward. Emerald leaves crunch beneath their boots, twigs snap but nary is an animal heard. The dense covering of trees and their striking green leaves gives a slight green hue to their surroundings, the setting sun scattering bursts of orange through the canopy of leaves above their heads.

Fortunately for the mercenaries, they will enjoy a very peaceful forest with little to no noise from animals, the wind completely dulled by the thick covering of trees. Unfortunately, Aokigahara has a very macabre reputation, its popularity as a suicide spot reaching almost mythical levels not only in Japan but around the world. The constant presence of death mingles with the nature, leading to an odd stillness and a musty, deep smell around the forest.

Unfortunately for the mercenaries as well, all have them have elected to wear different colours of Hawaiian shirts, beige cargo shirts and white trainers with black socks, mirroring naive American tourists. All except Tavi, clad in her usual outfit, Will, clad in an obscene turquoise dress shirt, stonewash jeans and brown leather shoes, Lynch, who has the addition of a fishing hat and is visibly carrying several fishing rods in his backpack, and Dion who is wearing a pale blue polo shirt with a pink collar, red Bermuda shorts and sandals, are clad in these garish outfits, carrying backpacks and shoulder bags with them.

Dave [Sniffing loudly]: This place stinks.

Lynch [Muttering]: How far away is this fucking place?

Dick: Isn't it in the middle of this goddamn forest?

Lynch: Yeah...

Al: Then bloody shut up, and keep walking!

Tavi [Muttering]: You all should've worn something nicer.

Phil: Hey, I thought we were intentionally dressing up as dumb Yank tourists! All you need is a baggy lumberjack shirt and jeans, Tavi, and you can join our ranks!

Tavi [Scowling]: I'd rather mutilate my genitals with a rusty meat hook than wear a lumberjack shirt. Those are for fat lumberjacks, rednecks and hipsters who wish they were rednecks.

Frank [Breathing heavily]: Hey.....lumberjack...shirts....ain't....bad...

Jericho: You're kind of proving her point there, Frank.

Dave [Muttering]: Yeah, Frank, nobody follows your advice on fashion anyway.

Will: Well, if you did, you'd actually look good!

Bill [Looking over his shoulder at Will]: How can you even walk in that shit? I'm fucking hot!

Dion: Yes, you should try wearing something sensible!

Johnny [Jabbing his thumb towards Dion]: Yeah, like Dion.

Lynch: Well, fuck me sideways: Dion hasn't even been with us for two weeks and already more people like him than they like you, Will.

Will [Turning his nose up]: I don't need your acceptance, you filthy plebs!

Eligio: Well, you'll never get it!

Bobby [Standing up straighter, looking at Lynch’s back]: Hey, Lynch, what's with the fishing equipment?

Lynch: I like fishing. I heard there's a lake close to the forest.

Vince: Lake Saiko.

Lynch: Yeah, that.

Melvin: How do you even know these things?

Vince [Sighing]: My dear random guy, I study! I have studied a lot about Japan! I can even speak Japanese!

Mustafa [Muttering quietly]: Not your average weeaboo.

Eligio: I don’t know: With that hair, I would say he’s not your average weeabear.

The path gets slightly more threadbare, the layer of trees ahead of them getting thinner. After a few more paces, they come into a large clearing, within which is a large building.

What they see is very much a Western-style inn. It's a large building, extending a fair amount of distance to their left and to their right. The building appears to be constructed out of sturdy grey stones, roughly carved to give a rustic and somewhat haunted look, with a slightly-angled gabled roof of ruby red tiles, making it appear almost flat. The exterior decor itself is also quite Western, with arched windows across the second floor and on the first floor.  In the centre of the first floor, ahead of them, is a set of two large wooden double doors with four concrete steps leading up to them. Above the door, for some reason, appears to a large stone gargoyle, its grotesque features worn down by the weather.

Jon [Pointing]: Gargoyle. This isn't Japan: We somehow came to Germany instead.

Lynch: The inn is a Western-style bed and breakfast. It was on the picture, Jon.

Jon [Coldly]: Fuck the picture. This is clearly Germany.

Vince: Look, just shut up. Let's go inside.

Lynch: Right. Men, woman, before we go inside, remember to follow traditional Japanese custom. Do not offend anyone.

Phil: Fuck, Bob won't like that.

Bob [Yelping]: TENTACLES!!!!

Eligio [Laughing]: YOU SAID IT, BOB!


Ivan [Sighing]: Fine.

The mercenaries continue trudging up the dirt path, breathing heavily amongst themselves.

Dick: You all sound like dying walruses.

Samuel: It's a lot of walking!

Lynch [Grunting]: Mm. Well, it's nice and secluded. Nobody will bother us.

Frank [Cautiously]: Or hear our screams.

Steve [Interjecting]: As we're violently disembowelled and our entrails are scattered across the floor.

Ivan [Looking at Steve]: You veally do have some problems, friend.

Lynch: Anyway, we need to figure out room arrangements. As in who is staying with who--

Tavi [Laughing breathlessly]: Yeah, fuck that, I'm on my own.

Phil: Me, Jerry, Ivan and Steve will share a room.

Steve: Remember, Phil: No banjolele playing.

Phil: Ain't got it with me, Steve.

Al: Well, being the best damn barman in the entire United Kingdom, United States, United Nations and United Arab Emirates, I say that I have my own room!

Dion: No, us establishment owners will bunk together!

Al [Bluntly, turning his head to Dion]: You what?

Lynch: Good idea!

Dick [Mumbling]: Bad idea..

Lynch: Shut up and be happy.

Frank: We're all wearing Hawaiian shirts, we are happy.

Tavi walks past them, wearing a denim jacket, jeans and a white t-shirt.

Tavi [Muttering]: You disgust me. All of you.

Dave: Me and Robbie will share a room.

Lynch: Cool.

Billy: Aye, i'll stay with Vince and Sal, make sure they don't get up to anythin'.

Lynch: Got it.

Eligio: Me and my friends will stick together! Melvin can sleep on the floor!

Melvin whines, but Marcos slaps him around the back of his head.

Marcos: You still haven't earned your forgiveness for letting Eligio get kidnapped.

Lynch: Hopefully they'll have a big room, then. I'm staying on my own...Johnny, Tim, are you two sharing?

Johnny [Giving the thumbs up]: Yeah.

Dean: Me, Samuel and Karab will share.

Karab: Fine.

Dean [Rolling his eyes]: Don't let yourself sound too excited..

Frank: What about me?

Bill: ...And me.

Lynch: Bill, you bunk with Brick and Jon. Bob, Moe, Maurice? You three take care of Frank.

Maurice [Angrily]: YA BASTARD!!

Lynch [Suppressing a smirk]: That's me. Right, is that everyone?

Frank: Yeah..

The mercenaries walk closer to the inn.

Jericho: Wow, it looks......

Tim: Rustic?

Tavi: So rustic it's going to fall down around our ears.

Lynch jogs up the steps and walks towards the double doors, gazing up at them before grasping the bronze handles and shoving them open. The doors creak violently, a sudden gust of wind blowing outwards at the mercenaries, covering them in a musty smell, as if the accommodation hasn't been inhabited for many years. Lynch coughs, reeling backwards and wafting his hand in front of his face.

Lynch: Fuck, that smells.

Jericho: Looks ominous.

Frank: Let's go, I gotta pee!

The mercenaries follow Lynch, walking up the steps and into the main hallway. Rectangular in shape, there is a staircase to their left and to their right, winding up in a semi-circular pattern to the second floor, with handrails of dusty oak and carpets of scarlet lining them. The staircases lead up to a balcony that extends around the perimeter of the second floor ahead of them, to their left and to their right. On the right side of the second level, roughly in the middle of the wall, is a pair of large oak double doors, with an identical set-up on the left side. Directly to their right on the ground floor is a single wooden door, the mystery somewhat extinguished by the buzzing green light indicating that the door is part of a Fire Exit. Directly ahead of them, beneath the balcony and situated between and beyond two large wooden pillars which hold up the balcony, perfectly framing it, is a large set of double doors, akin to the ones they entered through but with handles and hinges of polished brass rather than iron. In the middle of the ceiling, ominously above them, sits a chandelier, its grand aesthetic tarnished with strings of cobwebs climbing up the chain and to the ceiling, the brass coated with thick layers of dust.

Dean [Looking up]: Yeah, this place is definitely haunted.

Phil: ...I've gotta agree with that one.

Sal [Pointing up]: Look at that fucking chandelier! It hasn't been cleaned since we bombed Hiroshi--


Sal looks taken aback before whistling innocently to himself. The double doors ahead of them open, revealing a somewhat petite figure: Clad in a solid black kimono with a red obi and red sleeve cuffs, even this petite woman cuts an imposing figure, something magnified by the fact she is wearing a white surgical mask and her hair is tied up into a tight bun behind her.

Vince [Grinning]: Well, hell--

Will [Whistling]: Hello, baby, how bout'cha take off that mask and get acquainted with the Studlin?

Owner: No, thank you. I'm ill.

Will [Shrugging]: Your loss, baby.


Tavi [Scowling]: Yes, be nice, Will. They wear masks if they're ill to prevent them from spreading disease. I wish the West would do that, the filthy fuckers.

Jon: Fuck you--

That Other Random Guy slaps Jon around the back of his head. Jon stumbles forward, twisting around and growling angrily as That Other Random Guy holds out his arms, daring Jon to try something.

That Other Random Guy [Grinning inanely]: Go ahead.

Lynch [Twisting his head, through gritted teeth]: Shut the fuck up. All of you.

Owner: So, you are the men and woman who booked this lodge?

Lynch: Yep.

Owner [Looking at Tavi]: Will she remain in costume for the remainder of the stay?

Lynch looks over his shoulder at Tavi, who responds by scowling, before looking at the Owner.

Lynch: Yep. She's a......professional..........y'know....

Vince [Stepping forward]: Professional cosplayer.

The owner looks at Vince. Lynch's face sours violently as he turns his head to look at Vince.

Owner [Nodding]: I understand. Welcome to Hotel Jisatsu.

Lynch: Well, it's nice to be here!

Vince [Eyes darting around]: Uh, guys--

Lynch [Calmly]: Shut up, Vince.  Anyway, it's very nice to be here: I have some room arrangements. Listen carefully cause there's a lot of us here. I want my own room. A nice room.

Owner: East Wing. Room A.

Lynch: Another room for our resident cosplayer.

Tavi scowls.

Owner: East Wing. Room C.

The owner hands a key to Lynch: A bronze key engraved with the letter "C". Lynch hands it to her.

Lynch: Right, we need a room for six men: Four of them could snap a person in half, one of them is a violent narcissist and two of them are skinny white boys.

Owner: ....East Wing. Room B. It's our largest room.

The owner hands Lynch a key, and he throws it to Eligio who catches it.

Lynch: Right: Jon, Brick and Bill. Step forward.

Jon, Bill and Brick walk forward.

Owner: Room D.

The owner hands Lynch the key, and Lynch hands it to Bill.

Bill: Sweet, our own room.

Lynch: Robbie, Dave, step forward.

Robbie and Dave step forward. Lynch is handed the key which he hands to Robbie.

Owner: Room E.

Lynch: Billy, Sal, Vince!

Billy, Sal and Vince step forward.

Vince: Um, guys--

Sal: Shut up.

The owner hands Lynch the key, which he throws to Billy who catches it.

Owner: Room F.

Lynch: Frank, Bob, Maurice and Moe.

The owner hands Lynch a key, which he throws to Frank. Frank quickly catches it.

Owner: Room A-Two. That is on the eastern wing.

The owner points to her left. Frank looks up to his right at the double doors, giving a nod.

Frank: Alright.

Lynch: Johnny, Tim: Step up.

Johnny and Tim walk forward.

Owner: Room B-Two.

Lynch turns around, handing the key to Johnny.

Johnny: Cheers.

Lynch: Dean, Karab and Samuel!

Dean, Karab and Samuel step forward.

Owner: Room C-Two.

Lynch is handed the key and he hands the key to Dean

Lynch: Phil, Jericho, Steve and Ivan!

Owner: Room D-Two.

Lynch is handed the key and he twists, throwing the key to Steve who catches it.

Lynch: And, finally, Dick, Al and Dion, get your beer-swilling asses up here.

Dick, Al and Dion step forward as the owner hands Lynch another key.

Owner: Room E-Two.

Lynch throws the key to Dick who catches it.

Dick: Sweet.

Owner [Clearing her throat]: You will find all the rooms are equipped identically. Rooms A, B and C, however, have the addition of a desk and a bath. Since Room F-Two isn't being used, I ask you not to break into it.

Lynch: We won't.

Owner: Through the doors behind me is the dining room. There is a door in this room that also leads to the lounge area, filled with books for you to pass the time. Until then, I bid you all goodnight.

The owner bows deeply, turning around and walking back through the double doors. Lynch turns around, looking at his mercenaries.

Lynch: Right, head off to your rooms.

Phil: When do we meet up?

Lynch [Taken aback]: I don't want to see any of you bastards until tomorrow.

Karab: What about food?

Owner [Interjecting]: We have a spread of cold food available. Traditional fare designed to satiate any appetite. You can visit any time. I will be cooking a traditional breakfast in the morning.

Vince [Rubbing his hands together]: Excellent! I'll be right back!

Vince bounds past the mercenaries, shoving the double doors into the dining room open and slamming them behind him.

Bill [Jabbing his thumb at the dining room]: Yeah, i'll join him and eat.

Billy: Same.

Sal: And me--

Lynch [Desperately]: FUCKING LEAVE, THEN! Seriously, I don't want anyone to bother me. Don't announce when you're leaving. Don't ask me to use the toilet. Don't ask me for ANYTHING! JUST DO WHAT YOU WANT WITHIN THE PREMISES! Don't fucking leave, don't fucking bother me, just live, you useless bastards!!

The mercenaries disperse, all of whom appear to be heading up the stairs and towards their respective rooms. Lynch watches them, closing his eyes and letting out a deep sigh that sounds somewhat thankful for the peace.

Lynch: About damn time..


Upstairs, in the eastern wing, Phil, Steve, Jericho and Ivan have the first bedroom, the door to the left just after entering from the balcony. The bedroom is decorated with dark colours, with dark red wallpaper and mahogany forming the wooden skirting boards and door of the room. Immediately upon entering the room, there is a small room to the right with a mahogany door, behind which is the bathroom. Directly opposite the door is a large window, decorated with thin nets which blow slightly from a breeze of an unknown source. There are two single beds, mattresses with white duvets on a wooden frame, against the left wall, and two against the right wall. A lone oak nightstand, with a dusty old lamp, stands between the beds to the left, while a small set of wooden drawers is between the beds on the right.

Phil is standing and facing the window, hands on the windowsill as he gazes out of the window and into Aokigahara. Steve is setting on the right-hand bed that is closest to the window, with Ivan sitting on the bed next to it.

Steve: Please be careful, Phil...I'm getting bad vibes from this place...

Phil: I'm just going to open the window.

Phil grasps the window, wrenching violently at it before pulling it open. The windowpane lets loose a cracking sound as gusts of wind blow into the room, whipping the nets roughly. Phil grasps the window, pulling down: The window now does not move.

Phil: Shit, it's stuck.

Steve [Looking over]: Be careful!

Phil grasps the window, pulling violently at it. For some reason, Phil leans out of the window, bending over backwards with half of his torso outside, grasping the window and pulling violently at it. Without warning, the window suddenly begins to slam shut violently, striking Phil in the chest!

Phil [Screaming violently]: OH MY GOD!!!!!

Steve gasps loudly, spinning around and looking at the window. Phil grasps the window, pushing it open and wriggling back inside, falling onto his rear below the window as he rubs his chest, coughing slightly.

Steve: PHIL?!?!

Phil: That winded me!

Steve [Angrily, pointing at Phil]: I told you to be fucking careful!!

Ivan [Turning the page on his book]: Yes, be careful.

Phil [Rubbing his chest]: I'll keep that in mind...

Phil sighs, flopping on the bed opposite Ivan's. Ivan slowly lowers the book, looking over at him.

Ivan: You're not going to eat?

Phil [Shrugging]: Nah.

Steve [Sitting on the bed to the right of Phil's]: We should do....something. We can't sit here all night.

The toilet flushes and Jericho walks out of the bedroom, buckling his belt. His trench coat slung over his right shoulder, he throws it onto the bed next to Ivan's, flopping down and rolling up his shirt sleeves.

Jericho: Any plan, lads?

Phil: None.

Jericho [Crawling up his bed and laying down on it, loosening his tie]: Gonna be a shit night, then.

Steve: I imagine it's the same for everyone else. At least we can't kill ourselves here. Place is too boring to do so.


Sal, Billy, Bill and Vince, meanwhile, are standing in front of the buffet table in the Dining Room. A large, sprawling room, with several red-painted circular wooden columns holding up the ceiling, it appears quite empty as the tables and the chairs, wooden and threadbare, are stacked up in the far left of the room. Only the buffet table is set out, covered in silver platters stacked with a variety of food....which appears to be mostly Western, with chips, dip, mini hamburgers, mini hotdogs, nachos and sliced pizza laid out across the long, wooden table which extends from left to right across three quarters of the room. The only Japanese item of food appears to be a large platter of well-crafted onigiri, none of which have been touched. Sal takes a slice of pepperoni pizza, folding it and taking a bite.

Sal [Nodding]: Good. None of that organic stuff.

Sal turns around: To the right of the double doors into the room is a single wooden door. Sal absent-mindedly walks towards it, eating his pizza as he does.

Bill [Grinning]: Pander to the Americans. This is what I like to see.

Vince [Grumbling]: Can eat this shit at home...

Bill: Hey, it's still Japanese!

Billy: Nah, Vince ain't happy til he eats some tentacles--

Vince [Rolling his eyes]: GOD, can't you guys get ANY new material? Tentacles? REALLY?!

Bill takes a handful of nachos, shrugging.

Bill: Why bother? It pisses you off and that's good enough for me.

Vince [Angrily]: Son of a--

Sal opens the door and walks into the room, slamming it shut behind him. The door has opened into a fairly small lounge room, but one which appears quite wall decorated, with black and gold striped wallpaper, mahogany skirting boards and a fireplace to Sal's right, directly in the middle of the wall with a stone chimney leading upwards, an odd feature for a Japanese house. Sal steps into the room and looks behind him: Covering the wall are several shelves, topped with leather-bound books. An ornate, carved mirror is leant against the wall to the left of the fireplace. The Owner turns to face Sal, having arranged the books on the shelves.

Sal [Walking over to the fireplace]: Hey, a fireplace.

Owner: Be careful. The wind has picked up and the fireplace has a nasty habit of spewing out flames.

Sal: What's the worst that could happen?!

Sal chuckles to himself, walking over to the fireplace and taking a box of matches, squatting in front of the fireplace which is filled with fresh logs, cut in half, and complete with balled up bunches of paper to assist with lighting the fire. Sal lights a match and lights two bunches of paper. THE FLAMES ROAR VIOLENTLY AS THE PAPER AND LOGS BEGIN TO BE CONSUMED IN FIRE! Sal simply stands back, looking at the fireplace and nodding.

Sal [Smugly]: See? Nothing has gone wrong and nothing will.

A sudden gust of wind bursts out and a stream of fire bursts towards Sal who screams, covering his face. He lowers his arms, quickly grasping his shirt which was set alight and throwing it into the flames, dusting off his bare chest which appears unharmed, aside from a few singed, crisp hairs.

Sal [Sighing darkly]: Goddammit!

Owner: I told you to be careful.

Sal sighs, dusting himself off as the door creaks open and Vince walks in, looking around.

Vince [Awestruck]: This place is amazing..

Vince stops, looking over at Sal who is dusting off his bare chest, wincing as he does. He sniffs the air, smelling burnt fabric.

Vince [Looking at Sal cautiously]: I hope you have a good explanation for this.

Sal: ..........I lit the fire. Wind came. Burnt.

Vince [Nodding slowly]: Riiiiiiiiiiight.

Sal [Looking over at the owner]: So...I see books...You....don't have a television?

Owner: Just books. Plenty of books.

Sal sighs, throwing up his arms before walking over to a bookshelf and folding his arms, examining the plethora of leather-bound books. The owner watches carefully, stepping to the side as Sal strokes his chin.

Vince: At least it's a nice place to stay!

Sal [Muttering]: Yeah, I suppose..

The door opens: Dave and Robbie walk in, apparently oblivious to Sal and Vince being in the room.

Dave: Man, this place is big. Just a shame we couldn't bring Lupa along for the journey. She'd have loved it.

Robbie [Coldly]: Sometimes, I think you love that dog more than you love--

Robbie stops himself, eyeing Dave cautiously. Both men turn their heads, looking at Sal who is standing there, watching and grinning.

Sal [Brightly]: IS LOVE IN THE AIR?!

Dave: Fuck off, Sal, do you want to lick Vince's butthole? Cause you hang around him often enough! And why are you shirtless? Trying to impress your big gay weeabear?

Vince [Angrily]: Hey, if I was gay, I could do far better than Sal!

Sal [Spinning around and pointing at Vince]: SCREW YOU! YOU COULD NEVER DO BETTER THAN ME!

Owner [Quietly, to herself]: What interesting people..

Billy strolls into the lounge area, looking around.

Billy: What's up, lads? Sal: What the fuck?

Sal [Gritting his teeth]: Just Dave and Robbie.

Billy: Nae, I was talkin’ about yeh lack of a shirt!

Sal [Pointing at the floor where his crumpled Hawaiian shirt is]: I BURNT IT LIGHTING THE FIRE! LEAVE ME ALONE!

Billy just laughs, clapping his hands and shutting the door behind him as he looks around the room.

Billy: Bloody hell, this room is small, we cannae all fit in here!

Robbie: Well, get used to it: There's an entire company of mercenaries here.

Sal [Sighing]: WHY?!

Dave: .....Because we all agreed to? For Halloween?

Sal: BUT WHY?!?!

Dave [Cocking an eyebrow]: Because this place is haunted. Supposedly. Or creepy.

Owner: Yes, this place does suffer from hauntings.

The mercenaries fall silent, all turning their head towards the owner who simply stands there with a blank expression on her face. Billy remains silent before giving a small nod towards the owner.

Billy: ....Right, alrigh', I'm going off tae my room. I'll see you lads there later.

Billy shakes his head, walking out of the room. The door is left open as Frank walks in, shutting it behind him.

Frank: Woah, are we all in here?

Dave: No. This room is barely fitting us four in here. Well, five. Well....six.

Robbie [Coldly]: Learn to count, will you?

Dave scoffs, storming out of the room as Robbie follows. Sal watches them before looking over his shoulder at Vince.

Sal: ...Y'know, i'm pretty sure those two are together.

Vince: Well, yeah, they're always together.

Sal [Tutting]: No, I mean...y'know..

Sal pushes his index fingers together. Vince raises his right eyebrow.

Vince: Seriously?

Sal: Well, yeah.

Vince: Sal, I think they're just good friends. Good friends can hate eachother with a passion too, y'know.

Sal: ...Like that time you tried to smother me as I slept because I threw your Applejack plush into the fire?

Vince [Through gritted teeth]: Yes...

Frank walks over to the mirror, looking down at it.

Frank: ...What is this?

Owner: It is a mirror dating back to the period of Sengoku Jidai.

Frank looks blankly at the mirror.

Vince: Basically, the Warring States period, where the Japanese lords fought relentlessly over land. Over the 13th and 14th centuries.

Frank: So, like the War of Northern Aggression?

Vince [Shrugging]: Yeah, yeah, pretty much, you filthy fucking Johnny Reb.

Frank looks at Vince, narrowing his eyes angrily.

Frank [Quietly]: That sounds like Yankee talk to me.

Vince steps forward, squatting down and looking into the mirror.

Vince: Quite an old mirror. Amazing it survived through the wars.

Frank sidesteps, standing directly behind Vince.

Owner: Indeed, it is. It's quite valuable.

Vince: I can imagine..

Frank swings his foot forwards, aiming at Vince's rear. Vince gets to his feet and walks away as Frank swings the foot forward, slamming it into the mirror. With a horrendous crash, the mirror shatters into several shards. Vince spins around, glaring at Frank. The colour simply drains from Frank's face as he looks at the mirror, and then at the Owner who, oddly, appears unperturbed. Sal watches on, suppressing laughter.

Frank [Shocked]: ...Oops.


Owner: That was foolish.

Frank: [Eyes widening]: ....Yeah....I gotta........go tell Lynch....

Owner [Coldly]: That he'll be paying for it?

Frank: ...I........fuck.

Frank bursts through the door, sprinting out of the room. Vince  squats down, picking up a few shards of the mirror before looking at the door.

Vince: Y'know, we really should shoot him one of these days.

Owner [Calmly]: If you do it here, I won't tell.

Sal [Grinning]: Sweet!


In Jon, Brick and Bill's room, set up exactly the same as the other rooms, Jon is sprawled out onto the bed next to the window. Bill is lying on the bed to his left while Brick is laid in the bed at the foot of Jon's bed, fiddling with something in his lap. Jon's eyes dart around in his skull, taking in the room.

Jon: I'm very suspicious of this place.

Bill: You're suspicious of everything.

Jon [Sighing]: Fucking bored.

Brick sits up, holding a hastily rolled joint of marijuana in his hands. He flicks a lighter, quickly lighting it and putting it in his mouth.

Bill [Sitting up]: Damn, Brick, you lighting up already?

Brick: Yep.

Jon: ...Why?

Brick: Take a smoke and see for yerself.

Brick takes a deep drag, holding it into his lungs before holding it out to Jon. Jon eyes the rolled joint suspiciously before sitting up, leaning forward and taking it hesitantly, looking at it. Brick lets out a mouthful of smoke, coughing slightly as he flops back on the bed.

Brick [Quietly]: Sheeeittt....I can sleep now...

Jon [Looking at Bill hesitantly]: Seriously?

Bill: Hey, I don't touch that shit, but considering how happy Brick is and how much he supposedly smokes, it can't be that bad for you.

Jon: Yeah, but Brick's borderline retarded!

Bill [Impatiently]: Look, Jon, just put it in your mouth, inhale, hold for a few seconds and exhale. Then lie back and shut the fuck up.

Jon sighs, shrugging and taking the joint between his lips, taking a long drag. He pulls the joint away, holding his breath for a few seconds before coughing out puffs of smoke, gasping and looking at the joint and smacking his lips.

Jon: Fucking hell, that shit's lethal!

Bill takes the joint, stubbing it on the bedside table. Jon simply lays back, placing his hands on his stomach.

Bill: Better?

Jon: When will I feel the effects?

Bill: Shortly. Meanwhile, I'm going to take a shit since you're both spacing out.

Bill whistles to himself, hopping off of the bed and walking over to the bathroom door, shoving it open and slamming it shut behind him. Jon simply lays there, eyes darting around nervously.

Jon: Brick?

Brick [Grunting calmly]: Mmmm?

Jon: This is.....beginners stuff, right? Not like weed so powerful it could make a man rip off his own eyelids?

Brick [Giving a thumbs up]: Boy, it's some goooooodddd stuff...Just for mellowing out....

Jon breathes out, his body slowly going limp as, against all odds, a smile begins to creep across his face.

Jon [Calmly]: ....Y'know....I like this feeling.....

Brick: Damn right...but, bud, y'all gonna get the munchies real bad...

Jon [Laughing]: Ah, shit, we'll raid that buffet later...

Brick [Sitting up]: The buffet..........yeah!..

Brick laughs to himself, flopping back onto bed and spreading his arms and legs, pretending to make a snow angel. Jon simply lays there, grinning to himself.


In the Eastern wing of the inn, at the very end of the hallway, is Lynch's room. Frank slowly trudges up the hallway.

Frank [Sighing, mumbling to himself]: I didn't ask for this shit. I'd rather be home in Tucson. Better than fucking Japan. Fuck Japan, seriously. Why Japan? This place smells funny and they don't eat with a knife and fork. They eat with sticks. I hate sticks....So thirsty...Want drink....Man, i'd kill for some Jack right now..

Frank reaches the end of the hallway, turning to his right and stepping forward. He sighs, rolling his shoulders and knocking on the door.

Lynch: Come in.

Frank opens the door and walks into the room. Lynch's room, similar to the other rooms, has a key difference: A king-size bed against the right-hand wall and a desk at the foot of it, which Lynch is sitting at, busy fiddling with lures while wearing a canvas fishing hat. Lynch turns his head, looking at Frank. The moment he spots Frank, Lynch sighs, hanging his head.

Lynch: What did you do, drunkard?

Frank: I broke a mirror. An old one.

Lynch sighs, slamming his fists on the desk and causing some of the lures to fall to the floor.


Lynch slams his fishing hat onto the desk, gazing around his bedroom.

Lynch [Darkly]: They don't pay me enough to put up with your shit. Where are the others?

Frank: Sleeping. Mostly.

Lynch: What do you mean 'mostly'?

Frank [Shrugging]: Bob is wandering around aimlessly. Bill is sharpening his knives. Will's trying to chat up the Owner, Dean, Karab and Samuel are doing something with a ouija board, Jericho is cleaning his guns, Phil is downstairs eyeing up furniture--

Lynch [Impatiently]: Fucking hell, that means only some of them are asleep!

Frank: Brick is carving his name into the furniture and Steve is busy trying to find and contact spirits. Oh, and Tavi is clearly tired and trying to fix something because I walked past her room and heard moaning and buzzing.

Lynch: Yeah. 'Fixing something'.

Frank: And by that, I mean she's mastur--


Frank: Sorry, Lynch.

Lynch [Sighing darkly]: Go tell them to sleep. We're up early in the morning and if they whine, I am going to snap their limbs one by one!!

Frank [Hanging his head]: Alright..

Frank turns around, trudging through the open door and shutting it behind him. Lynch pushes his chair away, gripping the desk and slamming his head violently down onto it before getting to his feet.

Lynch [Pointing at his door, grumbling quietly]: One of these days, I'll make a proper fuckin' soldier out of you.

Lynch sighs, walking over to the bathroom and shoving it open. The bathroom is identical to the others, with the addition of a walk-in shower directly to the right. Lynch turns his head, looking in the shower: In the tray, a doll is laid there, undressed and with a bushel of artificial brown hair on its scalp. Strangely enough, a third leg appears to be poking out from the abdomen of the doll, coloured bright purple. Lynch leans down, grasping the doll and picking it up.

Lynch [Bluntly]: What the hell is this?

Lynch looks at the doll, turning it around before looking at the purple leg. He simply walks over to the toilet, dropping the doll in and flushing it down the toilet.

Lynch [Calmly]: This place is just too fucking weird.


In the hallway of the Eastern Wing of bedrooms, Frank is standing in the doorway to the door of the room hosting Johan, Eligio, Marcos, Mustafa, Bobby, Melvin and That Other Random Guy. Directly to the right of Lynch's room, it appears to be similar to the other bedrooms, meaning that many inhabitants have had to improvise with sleeping arrangements: Melvin is busy setting up a duvet on the floor while That Other Random Guy is fastened tightly into a dark blue sleeping bag as he sits at the desk, reading from an Amazon Fire tablet on the desk. Johan is sitting on the bed closest to the desk while Mustafa lays on the bed opposite of his. Marcos is sat on the bed to the left of Mustafa's, reading a book. Bobby walks into the bathroom as Frank talks to Eligio, who is looking at Frank warily.

Eligio: So, you want money to..............?

Frank: Pay for a mirror I smashed that dates back several centuries.


That Other Random Guy [Looking over]:  What's he done?

Eligio [Looking over his shoulder]: Broke a fucking mirror!

Johan [Chuckling]: Frank, brother, you need to be a lot more careful.

Frank: I tried! I was kicking Vince in his fat ass and he moved, meaning I kicked the mirror!

Eligio: A noble cause, but I never became rich by letting idiots like you borrow money from me!

Eligio chuckles, shrugging and slamming the door shut in Frank's face. Frank sighs, turning and walking up the hallway. He walks out of the double doors directly ahead of him, slowly walking downstairs and looking around. Tavi walks out from a door to the right of the balcony, breathing heavily and gripping the railing, looking over it. Phil is standing in the main hallway, cup of tea in hand as he looks up at a large chandelier, decorated lavishly with crystals and seemingly left in a state of disrepair, with dust and cobwebs removing its once-impressive sheen.

Frank: Hey Phil, what's up?

Phil: Just admiring this chandelier i'm thinking of stealing.

Tavi [Calling downwards]: Can't you go anywhere without thinking of stealing something?!

Phil: Nope!

Bill walks out from the dining room, shoving open the double doors.

Bill: Hey fellas. Frank, heard you did something stupid.

Samuel [Walking out from behind Bill]: What did he do?

Frank [Shrugging]: Well...something.

Karab and Dean walk out from behind Samuel. Karab is carrying a ouija board in his arms and Dean is carrying a fire poker, looking around suspiciously. Jericho walks out from a door on the left-hand balcony, walking over to the edge of it and leaning over the railing.

Jericho: Hey, ladies, get to bed!

Phil: Fuck you! We want to know what Frank did!

Bill walks directly under the chandelier, putting his hands on his hips.

Bill: What did you do?

Samuel looks up, eyeing the chandelier nervously as it shakes slightly. Karab stands beside him, also looking up at the chandelier.

Karab: Why can these houses not get decent decorators?

Frank: I just broke an old mirror.

Phil: Isn't that, like, thirteen years bad luck?

Frank [Shrugging]: It was old.

Jericho [Stepping forward]: Maybe it was haunted.

Bill [Laughing]: Please, a haunted mirr--?

The chandelier snaps from its screws and plummets down, crushing Bill as it smashes violently into the floor, spraying foul-smelling plaster and shards of glass across the floor as it does. The mercenaries stand there, wide-eyed.

Dean [Panicking]; OH GOD, BILL?!?!?!?

The mercenaries glare at the chandelier, frozen in fear. Until Bill's right hand pushes itself out from under the chandelier and gives the thumbs up.

Bill [Straining]: Nope, i'm good!

Phil [Hands on the side of his head, exasperated]: Jesus, Bill, how did you survive?!

Bill [Making a shrugging motion with his hand]: Y'know, I don't know. Pretty cool, huh?

Samuel: Bill, your bones should be dust and your organs should be a mush.

Bill: Hey, i'm fine. I mean, don't fucking bother rushing to get this chandelier off of me or anything.

Tavi [Wide-eyed]: Bill, nobody should be able to survive that.

Bill [Angrily, Impatiently]: WELL I FUCKING DID! HELP ME!

Phil, Samuel, Dean and Jericho rush forward, gripping the frame of the fallen chandelier. Dean and Samuel, on the right side, pull the chandelier towards them as Phil and Jericho push the chandelier towards Dean and Samuel. Dean and Samuel jolt backwards as, with creaking and the sound of cracking glass, the chandelier is pulled off of Bill who hops up to his feet, dusting glass off of himself. Aside from several deep scratches to his forearms and a nasty gash under his left eye, Bill appears no worse for wear.

Bill [Dusting himself off]: Man, that was some freaky shit.

Tavi: Bill, you survived being crushed. Are you a ghost or something?

Bill pinches his arm, wincing in pain and shaking his hand.

Bill: Nope, still alive.

Bill whistles to himself, walking up the right-hand staircase.

Samuel [Watching]: Uh, Bill, one of those steps is pretty fragile.

Bill slams his right foot down on the step above his current step, watching as the wood splinters and shatters, falling inwards and leaving a cavernous hole.

Bill: That one?

Samuel: Yeah.

Bill steps over the broken step, whistling to himself as he ascends the staircase and walks around the balcony, entering through the right hand door and shutting it behind him.

Phil: Right, huddle.

Tavi, Samuel, Dean, Karab, Jericho, Frank and Phil get into a close-knit circle.

Phil [Quietly]: Right, something isn't right here. This place clearly violates several health and safety codes. If I sneeze, this place is coming down--

Samuel: Could it be haunted?

The others look at Samuel, who shrugs, before looking back into the huddle.

Phil [Quietly]: Alright, Samuel's lost it which means Dean is probably next--

Dean: Hey!

Phil: So, what's going to happen is this: I'm going to pack up my shit and go to Tokyo.

Tavi: And the rest of us.....?

Phil: ....Oh, you wanted a plan for all of us? Alright: We all pack up our shit and go to Tokyo.

Karab: I like that plan.

Phil: Meet me down here in half an hour. Don't fuck around because i'm not waiting another minute than I have to.

Samuel [Giving a thumbs up]: Alright. Dean, Karab, let's go.

Dean: Since when did you give the orders?

Samuel: Since we might be dead come morning. Let's go!

Samuel walks up the right staircase, followed by Dean and Karab.

Frank: What should I do?

Jericho [Turning and looking at Frank]: Drink like you always do?

Phil: Go back to your room and pack your shit? Fucking hell, Frank, I already said that.

Frank moves away from the huddle, jogging up the right staircase. Tavi pulls away, jogging up the left staircase and leaving Phil and Jericho in the main room. Both men look at eachother for a few seconds.

Jericho [Calmly]: Phil, what are we doing?

Phil: Your girlfriend. Where is she? If this place is haunted to fuck, it might be useful having someone on their side fighting for us.

Jericho: I left the Rose Pendant at home.

Phil [Narrowing his eyes]: You really are an idiot somedays.

To their upper left, the double doors to the western wing of the hotel open. Jericho and Phil look up, watching as Dion, wearing nothing but a pair of obscenely tight golden speedos, wanders out.

Dion [Grinning]: Hello! I heard a crash! Is everything alright?!

Phil [Taken aback]: .............Yeah.....just......accident......y'know.

Dion: I see. Well, you men should get your beauty sleep!

Dion hums, turning around and walking through the door, shutting it behind him.

Jericho: ....Wow, my eyes are burning.


In Brick, Billy and Jon's room,  Brick and Jon are both laying on the left-hand beds, with Brick splayed out near the window and Jon rolling around on his own bed, chuckling quietly.

Jon [Clutching his duvet]: ....Man....this stuff is great..

Brick [Laying on his back and grinning]: Told you so!

The door to the room opens and Jon turns his head: Billy walks in, clutching a long black sock which appears to be filled with several rectangular objects.

Billy: Sup?

Jon: Dude...Billy...What are you doing?...

Billy: Just crafting a weapon, lads.

Billy turns right, opening the door and walking into the bathroom.

Jon: Why?

Billy: I've been hearing shite about ghosts and accidents.

Jon: And?

Billy walks out of the bathroom, holding their complimentary bar of soap. He slips it into the sock, winding the end of the sock tightly and clutching it like a makeshift blackjack.

Billy: If i'm going down, i'm going down fightin'!

Jon: ...Dude...ghosts aren't real..

Billy: Yeah, well......soapsock: it's a deadly weapon.

Billy walks out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him.

Brick [Coughing]: D-D-Dude...ghosts?

Jon [Grinning]: Ghoooooooostssss...

Brick: Ghosts ain't real...

Jon: They ain't...

Brick: ...Why's he saying they are?...

Jon rolls off of his bed, hitting the floor with a thud.

Jon [Muffled]: Cause he's high too..

Brick: Dude...we're all in the clouds...

Jon slowly stumbles up to his feet. Brick rolls off of the bed, getting to his feet and stumbling over to Jon and grabbing his shoulders.

Jon: Dude...

Brick: ..We should get somethin' to eat..

Jon: Yeah!

Brick turns around: A figure flickers between the beds. A samurai, wearing dark red and black armour, suddenly appears, with glowing red eyes beneath the helmet.

Jon: .........Brick...dude...that samurai dude......he's...

Brick [coughing slightly]: My mouths dryer than a camels pussy! Can we get a drink?!

Jon walks forward, poking the samurai's breastplate. The samurai simply stands there, unperturbed.

Jon [Taken aback]: Shiiiiitttttt...he's real....

Brick: Damn...what now?..

Jon: Hey, samurai.....got any potato chips?...Proper chips...not Japanese chips?

The samurai slowly lowers its head, looking down at Jon.

Brick: Shit, he's given us the evil eye....daaaammmnnn...

Jon: Briiiicckk...I think he's real....

Brick: .........Well, shit...

Jon: We should run...

Brick: .....Yeah...

Brick and Jon twist around. Brick sprints forward, shoving the door open. Jon falls onto his stomach, crawling and scuttling forward up and onto his feet, stumbling through the open door. Jon looks to his left, sprinting down the hallway and screaming as he does..


In the room of the pub owners, Al, Dick and Dion are laying on their beds, with Dion laying on the bed closest to the door, with Al on the bed next to the window and Dick on the bed to his right. They listen intently as the screams of Jon move past their door and into the distance. Dick slowly lifts his head from his pillow, turning his head to the left and looking at the door.

Dick: ...What the fuck was that?

Al: Sounds like Jon being a twat.

Dick [Lowering his head]: I see..

Dion: ...I'm so bored.

Al: We all are, but tomorrow, we walk up to some weird shrine thing!

Dion: ...Is that sarcasm?

Al: That's the bitter sound of disappointment, mate.

Dick: Well, it's.....it's something, this place.

Al: You know something, Dick, I really don't like this place!

Dick: You don't say?

Al: Yeah, the bird in the fox mask is giving me the evil eye!

Al points at the foot of the bed, into the mirror. Dick sits up: In the mirror, it shows a woman in a stylised white kitsune mask with red details and golden lines around the eyes standing between the beds, clad in a white robe with a black, knotted rope around the waist. Dion suddenly sits upwards, looking at the back of this strange figure.

Dion [Bluntly]: What is this magic?

Dick: How can you tell she's giving you the evil eye? You can't even see them.

Al: It's a feeling, mate. A bad feeling.

Dick: Yeah, considering how she has that weird pole thing in her hands.

The woman stands a naginata beside her, blade glinting in the lamplight.

Al: Dick?

Dick: What?

Al: We should probably get running.

Dick: Right behind you.

Dick and Al look at eachother, screaming loudly. They stop, looking up at the woman who is now visible to the naked eye, and scream again. The woman spins around and swipes the naginata down at Dick who rolls off the bed, crawling towards the door. Dion rolls off of his own bed, rushing towards the door and wrenching it open, rushing out and into the hallway. Al rolls off of the bed, hitting the floor on his back and scrambling up to his feet. Dick crawls up to his feet, sprinting out of the door. Al follows, quickly twisting around and slamming the door shut. Dick breathes heavily, slamming his back against the wall opposite the door.

Dick: What the FUCK was that?!

Al turns to the door, slowly opening it a crack. The woman stands there, thrusting the naginata forward. The door shuts just in time for the blade to crack through the wood, mere millimetres away from Al's left shoulder. Al looks down at the blade, stepping backwards.

Al [Gulping and nodding]: Yeah, fuck it. Fancy popping down to Tokyo, lads?

Dick: Brilliant idea, mate!

Dion [Hastily]: Right behind you!

Al, Dion and Dick quickly sprint down the hallway, kicking the doors open and sprinting down the stairs, charging forward and bursting out of the front doors..


Jon bursts through the double doors and into the Eastern wing, looking around desperately. He appears to have lost Brick, suggesting that he has ran around aimlessly in his stoned state and emerged with nary a clue in the Eastern wing.

Jon: Briiiiiiiiiiiick? Dammit!

The second door to his left opens: Tim walks out of the door, turning and looking at Jon who stumbles forward, gazing around, his eyes twitching rapidly in his skull.

Tim: Jon...You don't look well.

Johnny peers out from the door, watching as Jon turns to Johnny.

Jon: I'm not well!

Tim [Taken aback]: Well.....what's wrong?


Jon points at Johnny before he twists around suddenly and sprints down the hallway. Johnny and Tim watch as Jon sprints violently into the double doors, collapsing backwards and hitting the floor with a crash, his arms splayed out.

Tim: I think Jon's.....I think he's high!

Johnny: Are you sure he's not just braindamaged?

Tim: No, he's---[Stroking his chin] Actually, hold on....Maybe...You could be right..

Jon's arms twitch violently, his tongue lolling out of his mouth.

Johnny: If he's dead, I don't want to be seen with him.

Tim: Could we hide the body?

Johnny [Shrugging]: He’s someone else’s problem now.

Johnny steps back and Tim swiftly pulls the door shut. Jon simply lays there, eyes glazed.

Jon [Mumbling quietly]: I'm not dead...

Jon groans loudly, sitting up and cricking his neck from side to side. He slowly gets to his feet, stumbling forward past the next door and twisting to his left in front of the door marked “D2” , knocking on it. The door is wrenched open and Phil stands there, looking at him.

Phil: Yes?

Jon: Big problem....

Phil: What?

Jon: Ghosts, man!

Phil sniffs the air, looking at Jon suspiciously.

Phil: You smell like a college student.

Jon [Calmly]: Look, Phil...buddy...Phil...bud...Yeah...I took some...of that stuff...y'know..

Phil: You're high?!

Jon nods slowly. Steve walks forward, poking his head through the door above Phil's.

Steve: Walk it off or go to sleep.

Steve and Phil pull their heads back, slamming the door shut. Jon simply stands there, blinking before spinning around on his heels and stumbling down the hallway, turning and knocking on the very first door in the hallway, marked “A2”. The door unlocks and Maurice pulls the door open, looking at Jon.

Maurice: Aye?


Bob suddenly appears behind Maurice, looking over his bulky figure and narrowing his eyes.

Bob [Cautiously]: Jon, are you.....high?

Maurice blinks, sniffing the air before giving a grin.

Maurice [Reaching his hand out and ruffling Jon's hair]: YEH FINALLY GOT HIGH!! GOOD ON YEH, KIDDA!!

Maurice slams the door shut. Jon simply stands there, blinking.

Jon [Impatiently]: This is why I don't smoke!....Ah, fuck...I'm gonna get a drink..

Jon smacks his lips together rapidly, shaking his head as he stumbles down the hallway.


In Johnny and Tim's room, identical to the other rooms but with a double bed under the window, facing the door. Johnny and Tim are both laying on the red duvet, gazing at the door with a look of suspicion and mild amusement.

Johnny [Cautiously]: .....Jon did say ghosts, right?

Tim: Yep!

Johnny looks around the room, his eyes flickering towards the door and resting on it.

Johnny: Hang on; You don't think this place is haunted, do you?

Tim: Why would you think that?

Johnny [Shrugging]: I don't think that...It's just...y'know.

Tim: What is this about ghosts, anyway? Ghosts aren't real!

Johnny: ...Yeah, I suppose....But...

Tim: What?

Johnny: I mean, we did say we’re staying here for ghosts and shit.

Tim [Laughing]: It’s the same reason people go on ghost walks! It’s all for the spooky atmosphere and not for the ghosts!...Well, for us, it’s spooky atmosphere and Japanese breakfast.

Johnny: But it’s not even spooky, it’s just...old.

Tim: Yeah. [Sitting up and groaning slightly] Don’t let it get to you, love: C'mon, let's get something to eat.

Johnny and Tim slide off of the bed, heading out of their room. Johnny turns around and glances into the darkness before he slams the door shut, stopping for a second with his head lowered, his right index finger tapping his chin in deep thought.

Johnny [Cautiously]: ...Hm.

Tim: What?

Johnny: I thought I saw something.

Tim [Rolling his eyes]: There's no such thing as ghosts!

Johnny: Yeah, well....I'm just gonna check.

Tim [Laughing in disbelief]: It won’t just appear on a whim!

Johnny opens the door to the room once more. A huge figure clad entirely in black samurai armour, eyes glowing red, stands before them, revealing a huge, double-handed no-dachi samurai sword, the blade glistening in the light from the hallway. Johnny quickly slams the door shut, eyes widening.

Johnny [Fearfully]: We are getting the fuck out of here!

Tim [Eyes widening]: Aaaaand let's go.

Johnny: ....Wait. Maybe it was a hallucination!

Johnny opens the door: Nothing's there. Johnny blinks, rubbing his eyes and grasping the door nervously before slamming it shut.

Johnny [Turning his head, looking at Tim]: You saw it too, right? It wasn’t just a hallucination?

Tim [Gulping]: Open it.

Johnny [In disbelief]: What?!

Tim: Open it. What's the worst that could happen?

Johnny sighs, closing his eyes and gulping.

Johnny: Thanks for jinxing us, Tim.

The door at the bottom of the hallway is flung open. Johnny and Tim scream, twisting around: Standing in the doorway is Billy, clutching his sock filled with bars of soap. Billy narrows his eyes, watching as Johnny and Tim breathe heavily before walking up towards them.

Billy [Cautiously]: What's wrong?

Johnny: Problems!!

Billy walks up to them, looking at both of them and giving an audible sniff of the air before turning his head to the door.

Billy: Yeh not drunk, lads, so what's wrong?

Johnny [Hesitantly]: Large...fucking...samurai....was in the room.

Billy [Bluntly]: Aye, a lotta shite's been happening.

Billy grasps the door, pulling it open. Johnny steps back and both him and Tim walk around, looking into the room from over Billy's shoulders: Nothing. Billy slams it shut before opening it again: A floating piece of sushi is suddenly there.

Tim [Confused]: What the FUCK?

Billy slams the door shut before opening it again: A petite, naked Japanese woman, wearing nothing but an apron and a grin, stands there, clutching a pair of chopsticks with a sushi roll between them.

Billy [Eyes widening]: Sweet mother o' mercy!!

Tim: Oh, come on, even Admiral Akbar doesn't need to speak his mind on that one!

Billy sighs, nodding in agreement and slamming the door shut before turning around, looking at Johnny and Tim.

Billy [Calmly]: Alright lads, let's go together and we'll get Lynch. You armed?

Johnny squats down, rolling up the left leg of his jeans and reaching into the side of his sock, pulling out the handle of a switchblade.

Johnny: Yeah. I'll stab anything that comes close.

Tim reaches into the back of the waistband of his jeans, pulling free a loaded Beretta M9.

Tim: Well, don't bring a knife to a gunfight!

Johnny [In amazement]: Fucking hell, so that really WAS a gun in your pocket!

Tim smirks, nodding.

Billy: Right, just...keep calm, lads.

Johnny: Don't worry: We will.

The lights suddenly switch off, plunging them into a darkness so impenetrable that they cannot see their hands in front of their faces.

Billy: .......Keep calm, lads.

The lights suddenly switch on.

Tim: ....We should still be keeping calm, right--

The doors at the top of the corridor suddenly burst open: Standing in the doorway is a tattered animatronic fox. Made of red fur, torn at the chest and arms to reveal the metal animatronic skeleton, with a pair of torn brown shorts and with a black eyepatch over the right eye, which swings open to reveal the second of a pair of glowing eyes, the fox has a glinting, menacing hook for a right hand, with the cybernetic skeleton revealed in its left hand. The feet itself have no outer fur, revealing flat, metal plates and the horrendous mechanics for the legs.

Johnny: ....Did anybody order Foxy from Five Night's At Freddy's?

Tim [Shaking his head]: Nope!


Foxy sprints down the hallway, swinging its hook as it does. Billy, Johnny and Tim scream, sprinting down the hallway themselves.


In Phil, Jericho, Steve and Ivan's Room, Ivan is busy sharpening a machete using a whetstone. Steve is sat on his bed, back against the headboard, watching Ivan as he does.

Steve: So, where are we going?

Ivan [Quietly]: Tokyo?

Steve: What's with the blade?

Ivan [Quietly]: Ve do not know vat lies out there. But if bleeds, ve can kill it.

Steve: Well, let's hope it's a Predator, then. And not some kind of horrendous spectral being that could kill us violently with ease.

Ivan: Ever since vecovering, you have such a pleasant outlook on life.

Steve [Smirking]: I still do, I just fail to see how any of this was a good idea. I’d have enjoyed the castle.

Ivan [Slowly shaking his head]: Vell, ve are here now.

Ivan lays down his machete, reaching into the pocket of his jeans and pulling out a small syringe, looking at it.

Steve: So, has the damage been repaired yet?

Ivan: You know how much radiation I vas subjected to.

Steve: Yeah.

Ivan slowly looks up at Steve.

Ivan [Quietly]: The brain damage has been....slightly...helped, but it’s the cancer that can’t be healed yet.

The room falls silent. Steve shuffles forward, looking at Ivan.

Steve [Hissing quietly]: Why the fuck haven’t you told anyone?!

Ivan: I thought it vas obvious! The brain damage vas caused by the tumours! I crawled through Chernobyl, of course it vas always going to be cancer-related! Vat, you thought I was crazy because the radiation had somehow made me like that spontaneously?!

Steve sighs, flopping back on the bed and rubbing his eyes.

Steve: How long have you got left?

Ivan: The nanomachines are keeping me alive. Vithout zem, I vould be dead in mere minutes.

Steve [Shuddering]: ....It’s that bad, huh?


Steve sighs, holding his hands over his head. Ivan takes the cap off of the syringe, injecting a small amount into his neck before replacing the cap on the half-full syringe. Jericho opens the door into the bedroom, slamming it shut behind him. Now wearing his camelskin trench coat over his Hawaiian shirt and jeans, he appears to be ready to leave the hotel.

Jericho [Clapping his hands together]: Are we ready to go? I heard screaming and Johnny, Tim and Billy ran past me, so I think they’re going already. They were also chased by some weird fox thing but I just lamped it one and put it on its arse.

Steve: Won't Lynch be pissed?

Jericho [Taken aback]: Well, it was some weird fox robot and smelled nicer than the others--

Steve: I mean about running away?

Jericho: Oh! Well, yeah, but he can stay in this haunted hotel, i'm leaving.

Steve: But didn't we vote to stay here?

Jericho [Laughing]: Well, yeah, but we didn't think it'd actually be haunted! It was just something stupid for Halloween, like...y'know..the retards who go on ghost walks!

Steve: Oh.

Jericho: Where's Phil?

Ivan: Vashing before ve leave.

Jericho walks over to the door, knocking on it. Inside the bathroom, Phil is standing in front of the sink, washing his face. When Jericho knocks, he stops and looks up at the mirror.

Phil: Who is it?

Jericho: It's me, you muppet.

Phil: Hey, Jerry?

Jericho: Yes?

Phil: Did we bring in any women aside from Tavi?

Jericho: Nope. Why?

Phil: Cause there's someone in here with me.

In the mirror, standing several feet behind Phil, is a young woman dressed in a schoolgirl uniform, consisting of a black sailor fuku, red necktie, white shirt, black short skirt, baggy white socks and black pumps. Her skin is oddly pale and her left eye is a violent shade of red, her right eye covered by a white eyepatch. A short shock of chopped black hair hangs from her scalp, partially obscuring her right eye, as she gazes into the mirror.

Phil: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand who the fuck are you?

Girl: Nobody in particular.

Phil [Coldly]: Get the fuck out. We are operating on a strictly no cameo basis here. Go.

Girl: That’s what you think--

Phil hisses and the girl disappears in a white haze. Phil looks around, quickly turning around and switching off the hot water tap, watching as the girl opens the door and shuts it behind her.

Jericho: Who the fuck are you?

Girl's Voice: Nobody in particular.

The bathroom door opens and Jericho looks into the bathroom.

Jericho: We've gotta leave. Right now.


Walking up the hallway of the Western wing are Billy, Johnny and Tim. Billy is busy swinging his sock around energetically while Johnny and Tim cautiously follow. Joining them are Sal and Vince: Vince is busy eating an onigiri, looking around the hallway as the group walks forward, while Sal is at the rear, looking bemused.

Vince [Chewing]: Sho, whath are we running throm?

Billy: A mechanical fox with a hook for a hand that wants to kill us, and the ghost of a samurai.

Sal: .....Have you been drinking already?


Sal [Quietly, aside to Vince]: We've only been here for a few hours and he's lost it.

Vince: [Quietly, aside to Sal]: Well, this place is kinda spooky.

Johnny: Ghosts. Who'd have thought it?

Sal: Oh, there's no such thing as ghosts!

Tim [Piping up]: There is! We’ve seen them!

The group stops outside of Lynch's door. Billy walks forward, knocking on it. The sound of a shuffling chair, followed by grumbling, is heard, followed by the door opening as Lynch stands there, peering out at the mercenaries. His lures have been laid out neatly on his desk next to his fishing hat, while Lynch himself is now wearing a pair of reading glasses which he takes off upon opening the door.

Lynch [Looking at each of them with distinct disdain]: What?

Johnny [Hysterically]: GHOSTS!

Lynch blinks rapidly, going to shut the door, but suddenly stops himself halfway, opening it and looking out at the few mercenaries in front of him.

Lynch: ....I found a doll on my bathroom floor with a third purple leg.


The mercenaries slowly turn their heads to Vince, who has his mouth agape with his hands clasped dramatically to his cheeks.

Sal [Cocking an eyebrow]: .....What?

Vince: It's a supposedly haunted doll with three legs. Apparently, you may sprout a purple leg which will then take over your body and kill you.

Johnny: That just sounds stupid.

Vince [Shrugging]: Hey, Japan.

Lynch: Well, I suppose that's what we get for staying here.

Sal: How come we're being haunted anyway? Shit seemed fine when we got here!

Lynch falls silent as he walks out and shuts the door behind him, punctuating his silence by cracking his knuckles.

Lynch [Under his breath]: Frank...

Sal [Eyes widening]: Oh, shit, the mirror--

Johnny: Mirror?

Sal [Turning his head and looking at Johnny]: Yeah, Frank broke some mirror that dates back to some period when Japan was at war. Son Goku Jizz Eye or somethin--

Vince [Through gritted teeth]: SENGOKU JIDAI!!

Sal: Yeah, that.

Tim: Well, if anyone was going to kill us all, it would be Frank!

 Lynch walks in front of the door next to his room, slamming his fist roughly against it. The door opens and Eligio peers his head out.

Eligio: Si?

Lynch: We're moving to fight some weird shit. Don't ask what it was, just move.

Eligio: Uhhh...okay....Got'cha, Lynch....MEN! ON ME!

Eligio walks out of the door, followed by Mustafa, Marcos and Johan. Melvin scrambles up from the floor, following Johan as Bobby walks out from the bathroom with a newspaper under his arm. He turns his head, following Melvin instinctively. That Other Random Guy, still tied tightly into his sleeping bag, slowly hops forward.

That Other Random Guy: Wait for me!

Lynch [Watching on]:*Beep*, what the fuck are you doing?

That Other Random Guy: Very slowly coming over!

That Other Random Guy hops through the door.

Mustafa: At least he's comfortable.

Lynch: Get moving. We're going to fuck these ghosts up.

They walk past the door to Brick's room. Lynch stands in front of the door to Robbie and Dave's room, knocking on it. Robbie opens the door, standing in the doorway and looking at the group cautiously.

Robbie: What?

Lynch: We're mobilising.

Robbie: ...Why?

Vince: Ghosts.

Robbie [Looking over Lynch's shoulder at Vince]: Fuck off and stop joking, weeaboo.

Vince [Scoffing]: I'm not joking.

Eligio [Laughing]: Ghosts? Really?

Lynch: It's an order. Move.

Robbie sighs, walking out and joining the group, followed by Dave who slams the door shut behind him.

Dave [Bluntly]: It really is ghosts, isn't it? That would explain all the screams that we hear.

Lynch [Impatiently]: No. We're just checking some things out.

Lynch squeezes past the group, standing in front of them and walking towards the double doors at the end of the hallway.

Sal: Y'know, i've seen movies like this, the black dude always dies first!

Mustafa: So, i'm going to die?

Tim [Panicking]: No, it's always the British guy who gets it first!

Lynch: There's, like, five Brits. Six if you count Moe being brought up in London. Seven if you count the English half of Sal's family.

Billy: Ach, there's EIGHT Brits! Yeh scunner, cannae even remember I'M a Brit!

Lynch: So, the odds are perfectly favourable. Besides, it's usually the geeky loner who dies first.

Samuel: That's some bad luck, Vince.

Vince [Scoffing]: Isn't it always the asshole pretty-boy jock who gets it first?

Billy [Angrily]: WHY YEH--

Sal: He meant jock as in the American high school subculture--

Billy: Oh.

Sal: --You skirt-wearing pustule.

Lynch: Shut up: We need to gather the rest of the men...and that one female sugar glider. Follow me.

Lynch walks towards the double doors, grasping them and pulling at them: The doors do not budge.

Vince [Pointing at the doors]: Oh no! While we were talking, somebody has conveniently locked the doors and thus barricaded us in!

Lynch swings his foot out, kicking the door roughly just above the handles. The door shakes, splintering slightly as Lynch leaps up and bicycle kicks the door roughly, causing it to jolt open with a sickening crack, a block of wood being used to barricade the door snapping effortlessly and allowing the door to swing open, revealing the balcony of the dining room.

Lynch: Oh no! While the spirits were talking, somebody has conveniently kicked the doors open and thus freed themselves!

A door opens behind him: Tavi walks out from her room, turning her head and watching the mercenaries suspiciously.

Tavi: Uh, guys?

The mercenaries turn around.

Dave: Yeah?

Tavi: .....What's happening?

Lynch: We're hunting ghosts and trying to find the others.

Tavi: You're....hunting ghosts?

Lynch: ...Yes?

Tavi: ....Well..Will, Phil and Moe went down to the dining room.

Lynch: Then let's go!

Tavi [Surprised]: I--Uh---We---Uhh...Okay.

Tavi walks towards the group, following them as they walk out of the doors.


In the Dining Room, Phil and Moe are stood at the buffet table, eating sushi and talking while Will is busy talking with the owner. The owner appears unphased by Will's attempts to flirt with her, and Moe and Phil simply watch as he grins, moving ever closer to her. Both men exchange looks of discomfort, with Moe stepping forward to stop Will, but Phil steps forward as well and both men stop, watching and waiting to see what happens next.

Will: So, what's your name?

Owner: That's private.

Will: So, you live here?

Owner: Yes.

Will: Do you always wear that mask?

Owner [Growing impatient]: Yes.

Will: Would you like to know more about me?

Owner [Coldly]: No.

Will [Smirking]: Hey, come on...take off the mask, babe, I'll show you why they call me the Studlin..

Owner: That's not your real name, is it?

Will [Shrugging]: Deed poll, babe.

Will and the Owner walk towards the doors of the Dining Room as Phil and Moe watch on. Will grins, placing his arm around her shoulders.

Will: You are such a cutie, babe: I could show you a whole world of pleasures. In the bedroom!

Owner: ...Watashi, kirei?

Will: Eh?

Owner: Watashi, kirei?

Will: Nope. No idea.

Owner: Watashi, kirei?

Phil’s eyes suddenly widen, realising the importance behind those two words. Phil looks down at Moe, who reaches into the back of his cargo shorts and pulls out his Desert Eagle, looking hesitantly at Phil.

Phil [Calling out]: DON'T DO IT, WILL!

Will [Looking over his shoulder]: What?

Owner: Watashi, kirei?

Will [Looking at the owner]: What?

Owner [Impatiently]: Watashi, kirei?!

Will: Speak English!

Owner [Angrily]: AM I PRETTY?!

Will: Wha--

Owner: Watashi, kirei?

Moe [Yelling]: DON’T FUCKING ANSWER!!!!!!!

Will: Yeah, you are. Pretty? Damn, you're pretty. Yes. Let's make pretty babies together.

Moe [Bluntly]: He's dead.

Phil: Let's leave him.

Phil and Moe begin to walk towards both of them. The owner raises her hands, delicately unfastening her surgical mask before letting it drop down her body and to the floor. Her mouth has been slit, from the corners, from ear to ear, leaving huge gashes in the cheeks which reveals her eerily-white teeth. The owner, as it turns out, is actually a Kuchisake-Onna, a dangerous and murderous figure from Japanese urban legend. who specialises in killing her victims using a pair of scissors.

Owner: How about now?


Will [Disturbed]: Nope. That ain’t cute. I don’t like getting a blowjob from someone with more teeth than the entire cast of Duck Dynasty!

Owner [Smiling, pulling out a pair of blood-covered scissors from behind her back]: Wrong answer.

Will: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww shit.


Will whimpers, twisting around and sprinting through the doors. The owner twists around, glaring at Phil and Moe and giving a wide grin. She holds the scissors out in front of her, pointing them directly at Phil.


Moe: Phil.

Phil: Aye?

Moe [Quietly]: Are we fucked?

Phil [Nodding slowly]: Yes, Moe. Yes we are. LET'S GET OUTTA HERE!!

Moe and Phil rush past the Kuchisake-Onna before she can react, screaming and sprinting through the open doors. The Kuchisake-Onna quickly chases after them, gliding at a speed that is inhumanly possible. Moe and Phil burst through the doors and into the main hall: Moe turns right, heading up the stairs to the second floor. Phil turns left, running towards the door to the fire exit. Will, who has rushed over to it, wrenches it open. Phil shoves Will through it, turning around and slamming the door shut.

Phil [Glaring at Will, breathing heavily]: Dude, what the FUCK?!?

Will [Desperately, clutching his head]: How was I supposed to know she was some creepy disfigured bitch!!

Phil: Fuck it...Just...let's run.

Phil motions up the stairs, jogging up them as Will follows. They burst through a single door and Phil slams it shut behind them as they emerge in a thin corridor, decorated similarly to the other hallways and leading to the left, presumably to the hallway where the bedrooms are. In front of them is a window which Will rushes over to, grasping it and pulling it open.

Phil: What the fuck are you doing?

Will [Calmly]: Jumping. Jumping right fucking now and running. WHY DOES EVERY WOMAN I MEET WANT TO KILL ME?!


A pair of scissors slams through the door to the right of Phil's head. Will and Phil scream. Will dashes forward, leaping out of the window as Phil twists around, grasping the door and opening it. The Kuchisake-Onna stands in front of him, holding the scissors once more.

Kuchisake-Onna: Watashi, kirei?

Phil remains silent. The Kuchisake-Onna remains still. Phil quickly twists around and jolts towards the window, but the Kuchisake-Onna simply re-appears in front of him.

Kuchisake-Onna: Watashi, kirei?

Phil: You are........What answer doesn't get me killed or maimed?

Kuchisake-Onna [COldly]: Answer the fucking question.

Phil [Taken aback]: Well, how rude! Uhhhhh....I.....hm.

Kuchisake-Onna: Watashi, ki--

Out of Phil's pocket spills a lone chocolate lime. The Kuchisake-Onna quickly leans down, picking it up and gazing at it.

Kuchisake-Onna: ......Wa............Muu......Candy...

Phil [Narrowing his eyes, deathly quiet]: That is a chocolate fucking lime. Don’t you fucking touch it.

Phil looks at the chocolate lime, then at the Kuchisake-Onna who appears mesmerised, before reaching into his pocket and spilling several onto the floor. The Kuchisake-Onna quickly leans down, picking them up as Phil twists to the left, sprinting up the corridor.


In Dean, Karab and Samuel's room, Dean is laying in the bath, wearing a yellow shower cap and whistling as he washes himself with a loofah on a stick, a yellow rubber duck floating lazily in the water. Candles are laid on the edge of the bath, providing the only light for the room. Until they are suddenly blown out, plunging the room into darkness. Dean looks around the dark room, unable to see anything.

Dean [Suspiciously]: Who's there?!

Nothing but silence and stillness greets him.

Dean [Angrily]: Samuel? Is that you, you little FUCKING BITCH??!?

Dean looks around the darkened room. Suddenly, in front of the doorway, an apparition appears: A young girl, with deathly pale skin and dark rings around her glowing yellow eyes, wearing a flowing white dress. Her feet are covered in blood, leaving footprints as she walks towards the bath. Dean wraps his right arm around his chest, screaming.

Dean [Screaming]: OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?! [Suddenly growing brave and getting to his feet] Excuse me, but you can see my nipples! I'm trying to have a private bath and you are interrupting, NOW FUCK OFF!!!

Dean reaches out and grabs a wooden soap dish, twisting and throwing it at her. It hits the girl between the eyes. Her eyes widen and she collapses backwards onto the floor, knocked out instantly. Dean raises his arms, whooping loudly.


The door opens and Karab quickly walks in, clutching his faithful kukri.

Karab [Hastily]: Dean, I heard you screaming-- [Karab looks down, noticing the unconscious young girl, then up at the naked Dean standing in the bath-tub] --.............................Y.....................Hm..........................You......Nah...........Y'know what? I'm not even going to ask you to explain this. I'm sure you have a good reason for being naked with a pre-schooler lying on your floor with blood on her feet. I'm sure the reason involves the police somehow, but i'm sure it's a very good reason nonetheless.


Karab looks taken aback, but steps forward. He taps the top of the ghosts head with his right foot lightly, and it flickers before vanishing suddenly in a blast of cold air.

Karab [Slowly looking up at Dean]: ....Alright, what's going on?

Dean [Hysterically]: VERY BAD JUJU!!!

Karab: Well, yeah, we did opt to stay in a haunted location.

Dean [Hysterically]: WHY?!?!?!

Karab [Shrugging]: We thought it'd be fun?

A knock raps out against the door. Dean climbs out of the bath, wrapping a towel around his waist as Karab peers into the bedroom, watching as Samuel peers through the peephole before opening the door.

Samuel: What is it, Steve?

Steve: Lynch wants us all to group together. We're gathering in the Main Hall. Something is wrong. Very wrong.

Dean [Dramatically]: I'll say, I was interrupted in a ghost while in the bath!

Samuel: Alright, Steve, thanks for the heads up. We'll be down in five.

Steve nods as Samuel slowly shuts the door, turning to Dean and Karab.

Samuel: Looks like we're hunting again, Dean.

Dean: I know how to hunt ghosts and demons and shit. Japan is a little outside my area of expertise when it comes to weird shit.

Karab: Uh, Dean?

Dean [Angrily]: WHAT?!

Karab points at Dean's left leg. Dean looks down: The ghostly little girl is standing beside it. Dean screams wildly, stumbling forward and falling flat on his face before scrambling backwards.

Dean [Pointing]: FUCK OFF!!!

The girl tilts her head slightly.

Samuel: Dean, she only understands Japanese.

Dean [Looking up at Samuel, scowling]: Well, i'm fucking sorry that I don't know how to say 'Fuck off' in Japanese!

Karab: I know how to say 'Fuck off' in a universal language.

Dean: And that is?

Karab leaps onto the bed, reaching into his belt and pulling free his kukri, pointing at the ghost.

Karab [Screaming loudly]: AAYO GURKHALI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Karab leaps off the bed and the girl swiftly disappears. Karab's head snaps around the room, breathing ferally.

Samuel: Karab, what's with you? You've gotten...........brave.

Karab [Twisting around]: I really miss the Gurkha's. I need to get back into the Gurkha's.

Dean: Why?

Karab: Let me see: I've had enough with being hunted by malevolent spirits.

Samuel: But this is only a trip--

Karab [Narrowing his eyes]: You know fucking well what's happened in Kebaborama before.

Dean: ...Oh, yeah, the angry ghosts and rotten animal carcasses.

Karab [Sighing darkly]: If I prove my bravery, maybe they will let me back in.

Samuel: I'm sure the Gurkha's don't work like that, Karab.

Karab: I will prove that I am a true Gurkha.

Karab twists around, pulling the door open. The Kuchisake-Onna appears in the doorway, grinning darkly and snipping her scissors threateningly. Karab quickly slams the door shut.

Karab: Fuck it.

Karab slams the kukri through the door, splintering through wood as he steps back and opens the door: The Kuchisake-Onna has vanished, but there's a slick of blood on the blade.

Dean: Woah, Karab, you got one?

Vince walks past, clutching his left arm which has a large gash in it, weeping blood.

Vince: Owowowowowowowowowowowowowowowow.

Karab grasps the kukri, pulling it free from the door.

Karab [Shrugging]: Well, I got something creepy.

A knock raps out against the door. Karab pulls it open, revealing Lynch.

Lynch: Don’t fuck around: Grab your shit, Nepali, because we really are heading out.

Karab: Where?

Lynch: To that haunted Scottish castle. Fuck Japan.

Karab: Finally! We can get haunted by ghosts who can't glide up five stairs without getting winded!

Lynch: Exactly. Chop fucking chop.

Karab, Samuel and Dean walk out of the room, following Lynch and the other mercenaries, who now include Jericho, Ivan, Steve,| Frank and Bob.


While the mercenaries mull around in the Western wing, Maurice is alone in the dining room, standing at the buffet table and eating several miniature hot dogs as he does, barely even stopping to breathe. He stops, letting out a visible breathe of air. He twists around, swallowing the hot dogs.

Maurice: ...The fook?

Maurice looks around: Nothing is there. The room is empty. The temperature begins to plummet and he lets out another visible breath.

Maurice [Irritably]: 'Ere, i'm tryin' ta fookin' eat!!

The doors open and Bill walks in, looking over at Maurice. Maurice looks at Bill, giving a slight nod.

Maurice: ‘Ey up.

Bill: You alright, big man?

Maurice [Slowly walking forward, shaking his head]: Somethin's playing games, lad.

Maurice walks past Bill and through the doors: Bill turns around, following him into the main hall. The sounds of footsteps are echoing throughout the building, but Lynch and the others are nowhere to be found. The chandelier remains fallen on the floor to the left of the right-hand staircase as well.

Bill: Like what?

Maurice [Pointing ahead]: Like tha'

Maurice points ahead at a samurai standing in front of the entrance doors, identical to that which had appeared in Jon, Brick and Bill's room. The samurai slowly raises its right arm, pointing at Maurice.

Bill [Widening his eyes]: ....What the actual fuck is going here?

Maurice [Pounding his chest]: FOOKIN' CUNT!!!!!!!!!!

Maurice charges forward, tackling the samurai through both of the doors and to the outside, rolling down the steps as he does. Bill rushes over, looking out as Maurice wrestles on the ground with the samurai, his fists clubbed together as he slams them down onto the chestplate of the samurai.

Bill: Maurice! Do you need any help?!

Maurice: I'm fine, lad! Get the others and get the fook outta 'ere!

Bill: Got it!

Bill spins around, jogging back into the main hall: As he moves past the fallen chandelier, the Kuchisake-Onna sidesteps from behind the left-hand set of stairs, grinning brightly.


Bill spins around, running towards the door: He only gets a few steps before the Kuchisake-Onna suddenly appears in front of him, holding her scissors and snipping them threateningly.

Bill [Frightened]: HOLY BALLS, FUCK OFF!!!

Kuchisake-Onna [Innocently]: Watashi, kirei?

Bill [Hysterically]: I DON'T SPEAK FUCKING TONGUES!!!!!!!

Phil bursts out from the Eastern wing, having somehow run from the Western to the Eastern wing while avoiding Lynch and the others. Phil leans over the balcony and looking down at Bill and the Kuchisake-Onna. The Kuchisake-Onna turns her head and glares up at Phil, grinning and snipping her scissors threateningly as Phil steps over the railing, grasping it with both hands behind him.

Bill [Screaming]: PHIL! YOU MAD FUCK, HELP ME!

Phil: I just came to get a bite to eat! I want to go back to my room! Me, Steve, Jerry and Ivan were supposed to be running the fuck away!!

Bill [Calling out]: WE CAN RUN TOGETHER, PHIL!!

Phil: Where the fuck do we go, Bill?!

Bill [Desperately]: ANYWHERE!!!!

Kuchisake-Onna: Watashi, kirei?

Phil: I'll save your ass, and then we run to my room, lock the door and hold out until morning!



The Kuchisake-Onna looks up, watching as Phil dives off of the balcony towards her. For no apparent reason, "Natural Born Killaz" by Ice Cube and Dr Dre begins to play throughout the main hall.


Phil lands on both Bill and the Kuchisake-Onna, sending both of them to the floor. The music cuts out just as suddenly as it started and Bill rolls backwards, stumbling up to his feet and raising his arms.


Phil stumbles up to his feet, quickly rushing over to Bill.


Bill: Good idea!

Phil and Bill turn around: The Kuchisake-Onna has rose to her feet, snipping her scissors as she gives a wide, eerie grin.

Bill [Clasping his arms around Phil]: SAVE ME!!

Phil [Desperately]: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THIS?!?!

Kuchisake-Onna: The hairy barbarians must die. And one broke my mirror that dated back to the Sengoku Jidai.

Phil [Looking at Bill]: Who is stupid enough to break a very old mirror?

Bill [Looking at Phil]: Brick?

Phil and Bill remain silent for a few seconds before narrowing their eyes.

Bill and Phil [In unison]: Frank.

Bill [Quickly]: Hey, just kill Frank! We'll even help you! Nobody will have to know!

Kuchisake-Onna [Coldly]: Watashi.........kirei?..

The doors to the Western wing jolt open: Samuel, Dean and Karab rush out of the doors, with Lynch behind them. Lynch runs around the balcony as Moe jogs out. The doors slam shut just as suddenly as they opened.

Moe [Pointing down]: OH MY GOD!! IT'S....SOMETHING!!!

Samuel: Kuchisake-Onna. Slit mouthed woman. Asks if you think she's beautiful. If you say yes, she kills you horribly. If you say no, she kills you horribly. She must be failed or, alternatively, distracted with candy.

Moe: Oh.

Karab [Looking aside at Samuel]: What happened to the good spirits you could just throw salt at or hit with an iron bar?

Samuel: It's Japan: The spirits are tough. And quite insane.

Dean [Chuckling]: I've heard that.

Lynch: HALT, BITCH!!--Where are the others?

Lynch looks over his shoulder at the doors.

Lynch [Grasping his head angrily]: YOU FUCKING COWARDS!!!! GET OUT AND FIGHT!!!!!

Eligio's Voice [Accompanied by banging on the door]: WE'RE TRYING, LYNCH!!

The bangs grow into thunderous thuds, presumably as fists are slammed into the wood.

Mustafa's Voice: Shit, the doors are stuck tight, Lynch!!


Owner: Watashi, Ki--

Lynch [Screaming]: FUCKING DIE, BITCH!!!!!!

Lynch tackles her straight through the double doors and into the dining room. The left door's top hinge snaps as Lynch tackles her, causing it to hang precariously at an angle.

Samuel [Shocked]: HOLY SHIT, LYNCH??!!

Dean: FUCK IT!

Dean screams wildly, hurtling down the stairs, twisting around, charging forward and leaping through the broken door. Lynch's screams sound out as the sound of another door being broken is heard, presumably the kitchen door. The sound of pots, pans and slicing knives is heard echoing throughout the hotel. Samuel and Karab quickly sprint downstairs. Moe is busy pulling at the doors on the second floor, trying to free the others.

Samuel [Panicking slightly]: LYNCH?! DEAN?!?!

Phil: Leave them.

Karab: We should help!

Bill: Do we have to? Can't we just run?

Karab [Slowly shaking his head]: No. It's our solemn duty.

Phil, Samuel, Bill and Karab step forward. All of a sudden, appearing from out of thin air are five giant tanuki, quickly standing in front of the door. These titanic racoon dogs, complete with large golden eyes and gigantic testicles, simply stand there, glaring down at the mercenaries.

Phil [Rubbing his eyes]: Did I get a contact high with Jon? WHAT IS THIS?!

Samuel [Narrowing his eyes]: Tanuki. Masters of disguise and shapeshifting. Mischievous creatures.

Karab: With massive testicles.

Phil: Yeah, y'know, I know it seems a puerile thing to say but...LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THEIR FUCKING BALLS!!! Why are they so huge?

Samuel [Hesitantly]: ...I......actually do not know.

Bill: Just Japan being Japan, then.

Phil: Can they be killed?

Samuel: Well, I assume so--


Samuel: They're godlike beings, Phil, I doubt it's going to be that easy.

Bill: So, Phil, what do we do?

phil [Looking at Bill]: Only one thing we can do: Smash through these cunts, help Lynch, then mobilise the troops.

Karab [Determinedly]: Aayo Gurkhali.

Bill: What he said.

The mercenaries stare ahead, glaring at the tanuki guarding the door.

Samuel: They really do have gigantic testicles, though.

Phil: Yeaaahhh....that's odd.

A scream sounds out as the doors to the Western wing suddenly burst open. Eligio, Mustafa, Bobby, Marcos, Johan, Melvin, Johnny and Tim burst out from the doorway, screaming loudly. That Other Random Guy quickly hops out, his abdomen hitting the bannister which he flips over, screaming as he hits the floor with a thud, rolling from left to right in pain. The mechanics simply sprint around the balcony, bursting into the Eastern wing. Billy, Sal and Vince swiftly follow, bursting through into the Eastern wing. Johnny and Tim, without a single thought for their safety, sprint out, grasp the bannister and hurl themselves over it, hitting the floor with a sickening crunch.

Bill [Looking up]: What's with them?

Johnny and Tim scuttle forward, stumbling to their feet and sprinting past the others, bursting through the door into the stairwell without a single word.

Samuel: ....That was weird.

Phil: What the FUCK could've freaked big guys like Mustafa, Bobby, Marcos and Johan?

A violent screech bursts out and Samuel, Bill, Steve, Karab and Phil recoil, looking up to the left: Foxy has burst through from where Johnny and Tim ran out from.

Bill [Face falling]: Oh my God. Oh. My. God.

Phil [Holstering his pistol]: Well, that kind of scuppers my bravery.

Phil stands still for a few seconds before screaming and sprinting into the stairwell to his right.

Karab: Aayo--Fuck it.

Karab quickly sheathes his kirpan, sprinting after Phil. Samuel, Bill and Steve look at eachother and nod. Foxy sprints forward, bursting through the bannister and landing on the floor, fully vertical. Samuel and Bill scream, sprinting into the stairwell themselves. Tavi rushes out from the Western wing, gripping the bannister and looking over it at the chaos below as That Other Random Guy quickly begins hopping up the stairs.

Tavi [Calmly, to herself]: Y'know, this fur ain't so bad after all.

Jericho walks through the door from the Western wing, looking around with a brown leather messenger bag hanging at his side.

Jericho: Right, are we going?....Where the fuck are the others?

Tavi: Running.

Jericho [Turning around]: Fuck it, i'll just lock myself in our room.


Lynch stops, now in the kitchen, and listens carefully to the screams echoing out. He glances around the dark kitchen: Surrounded by metal counters, there's just enough light to highlight a large oven in front of him. To his right is a long counter, covered with various sharp implements glinting in the pale blue light from a bug zapper above it. Lynch remains silent, looking around the kitchen. He slowly creeps towards the north-east corner of the room where the pantry is, guarded by a large metal door. Lynch creeps over to it, looking around.

Lynch [Quietly]: Where did you go, you slit-mouthed whore?..

Lynch grasps the door by its handle and wrenching it open, stepping in and looking around: There is nothing but sacks upon sacks of rice, and a few wayward pockets of dried nori on a dusty set of metal shelves to his right.

Lynch [Muttering]: Where the fuck are you?..

Lynch twists around: The ghost of a girl, with abnormally pale skin and wearing a sailor fuku spattered with blood, flickers in front of him, wielding a sharp meat cleaver. Lynch's eyes widen as he slowly walks backwards into the pantry, the schoolgirl letting out a dark grin as she advances on him.

Lynch [Calmly]: Well, isn't this place just twenty thousand shades of fucked up?

Lynch walks backwards into the wall as the girl slowly walks towards him.

Lynch [Quietly]: Great, killed by the ghost of a Japanese schoolgirl. Somehow, I thought my death would be a lot more glorious.

Dean quickly kicks the door to the kitchen open, pointing at the schoolgirl.


Dean throws the salt at her, causing her to flicker and vanish. Lynch turns his head to the left.

Lynch: Dean, how did you get the door open?

Dean: Someone barricaded it.

Lynch: Who?!

Dean [Shrugging]: How am I supposed to know?

Lynch: Dean, the door.

Dean, having stepped into the pantry, turns around and grasps the doors handle, shaking it: It doesn't budge.

Dean [Looking over his shoulder, grinning nervously]: Well, I hope you've got something to pass the time!

Lynch lunges forward, slamming Dean's head into the wall by the left side of the door. Dean yelps as Lynch locks him in a headlock.

Lynch [Angrily]: SON OF A CUNT!!!!!

The door suddenly opens and Vince rushes in, looking around.

Vince: Lynch! Ghosts everywhere! Hauntings! Knives! Swords! Bad things!

Lynch and Dean [Hastily, in unison]: The door!

Vince turns around, the door slamming shut. Vince grasps the door, pulling at it. The door is jammed shut.

Vince [Turning to Dean and Lynch, grinning innocently]: Sorry guys?

Lynch lets go of Dean, yelling angrily and strangling Vince as the scene turns to black.


We return to where we left Lynch: Stuck in the pantry, inside the hotel in the middle of Aokigahara, with Dean and Vince trapped inside with him. Lynch is busy strangling Vince as Dean watches, somewhat bemused as Vince begins losing his breath, turning a slight shade of blue as Lynch clasps his hands tighter around Vince's throat.

Lynch [Growling]: POP! POP, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!

Dean [Clearing his throat]: Uh, Lynch--

Lynch [Looking over his shoulder with his hands around Vince's neck, hissing]: WHAT?!

Dean: We should probably not try killing our own. Also, we should spend energy trying to get out of here.

Lynch turns his head and looks at Vince before pulling away. Vince gasps and croaks for air, rubbing his throat. Lynch twists around and walks over to the door, grasping a small metal handle and pulling it violently: The door is stuck tightly.

Lynch [Growling]: It's no use.

Lynch slams his foot against the handle: Nothing but an echoing thud.

Dean: Man, you think there'd be a safety feature to stop people getting stuck in here.

Lynch slams his fists roughly against the metal door, letting loose a resounding bang.

Lynch [Angrily]: Fuck this place!

Vince: Well, you wanted to stay--

Lynch [Pointing at Vince without looking at him]: If you say anything else, I'll put your head through the fucking door.

Dean: That's a good plan!

The three men fall silent as footsteps echo off of the tiles in the kitchen. Dean and Lynch step backwards away from the door, listening carefully.

Dean: Well, we're fucked.

Vince: Any last words?

Lynch [Muttering]: The only easy day was yesterday...[Angrily]....BEFORE WE CAME TO THIS STUPID PLACE!!!!!

The footsteps grow louder. Vince looks around desperately, presumably for a weapon. Dean and Lynch simply watch the door with steely-eyed determination, having accepted their grim fate.

Dean [Quietly]: So, who is it? A creepy woman with a slit mouth or the ghost of a samurai sprouting up for no apparent fucking reason?

Lynch [Grimacing]: Oh, please be the fucking latter. Maybe it'll be quicker.

Lynch, Dean and Vince can only watch on as the door opens, a crack of light filling the room as a shadow appears in the doorway..........who reveals himself as Eligio as he reaches in and turns to his left, flicking on a lightswitch that they apparently did not know was there.

Eligio: What are you all doing in the pantry?

Lynch: We were locked in here!

Eligio [Shrugging]: Well, let's go.

Vince, Lynch and Dean [Desperately, in unison]: THE DOOR!!

The door begins to shut. Eligio turns around, grasping the door and shoving it open again before twisting around and placing his back against it, holding it open for them.

Eligio [Chuckling]: I'm not stupid, mi amigos. Come on, we need to find the others and get out of here!

Lynch [Walking out of the pantry]: How did you guys break out of the doors anyway?

Eligio: We took the fire exit route. We don't know what was blocking the double doors but it was too stupid to block the fire door, at least!

Lynch: Have the others joined you? Or have they ran off like little bitches?

Eligio: Mi amigos are there. Bob, Frank, Sal, Brick, Bill and Jon are there too. The others...aren't.

Lynch: Where the fuck are they, then?

Eligio: Everyone else is running around randomly, trying to escape the many things that are intent on killing us for no apparent reason. The ones who are keeping their heads are keeping watch in the main hall.

Lynch: Right, well, let's find everyone else and try to gather them, then.

Dean, Lynch and Vince walk out of the pantry, following Eligio into the kitchen.


In the main room, Johan and Mustafa have since opened the doors outside, placing their backs against the heavy doors to keep them open. Inside the main room itself, Melvin, That Other Random Guy, Marcos and Bobby are stood around the chandelier. That Other Random Guy is still stuck within his sleeping bag, standing there and looking around aimlessly.

That Other Random Guy: Can someone please get me out of this fucking sleeping bag?

Johan walks over, leaning down and reaching into his right sock, pulling out a bowie knife and approaching That Other Random Guy, whose eyes widen.

That Other Random Guy: Fucking hell, Johan, be careful!

Johan: You know me.

Johan grips the strings of the sleeping bag, pressing the tip of the blade between them. That Other Random Guy breathes in as Johan swipes the blade down, hacking through the cloth and padding with ease and making a small incision, roughly two inches. Johan sheathes the blade in the back of the belt around his cargo shorts and grips the bag either side of the cut, pulling his arms apart and tearing the bag open violently. That Other Random Guy steps out, dusting off his sky blue Hawaiian short and beige cargo shorts.

That Other Random Guy: Thanks, buddy.

Bobby [Looking around]: Where the hell are the others?

Frank [Leaning over the balcony to their left]: Up here!

Sal quickly appears behind Frank.

Sal [Quietly]: I've come for you.

Frank yelps suddenly, tipping over the railing and screaming, hitting the floor with a crash. Sal leans over the railing, pointing down and laughing loudly. Brick bursts out from the Eastern wing, grabbing Sal's legs and tipping him over the balcony. Sal screams, falling downwards and onto Frank, who twitches in pain.

Frank [Screaming]: YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!

Brick [Smirking, nodding]: That's right!

From the Western wing emerges Jon, shoving the doors open and smacking his lips, grasping the railing and looking across at Brick.

Jon [Calling over]: Brick, i'm light-headed, what now?

Brick [Shrugging]: We get some more when we leave!

Melvin [Looking up and laughing]: Hey, look at Jon, our happy little stoner!

Jon [Screaming angrily]: FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING MOTHER!!!!!!

Melvin [Laughing]: Oh, Jon, you're so easy to anger!

Jon vaults over the railing, landing on his feet on the floor below. His legs buckle violently and he hits the floor, clutching his right leg.

Jon [In pain, angrily]: FUCKING ANKLE!!!

Mustafa [Looking over at Jon]: Goddammit, Jon, don't fall a great height onto your feet. That's just asking for a dislocation.

Jon [In pain, angrily]: I'LL REMEMBER THAT FOR THE FUTURE!!!!!!!

Brick walks down the stairs as Maurice and Moe walk out from the Eastern wing with Bob in tow. Phil, with Jericho, Steve and Ivan in tow, walk out from the Western wing. Jericho begins buttoning up his trench coat.

Jericho [Calmly]: Well, i'm ready to leave.

Ivan: Vell, it vas fun vhile it lasted.

Karab and Samuel walk out from the Western wing behind Phil.

Karab: Well, here we go.

Phil: Where's the boss, anyway?

Bill [Looking up]: We think he got stuck in the pantry or something.

Phil: Lynch? In the pantry? Fucking hell, was the Kuchisake-Onna gonna eat him?

Bob: Could be worse.

Samuel [Slyly]: Yeah, could be tentacles.

Bob [Narrowing his eyes, looking over at Samuel]: Fuck you.

Samuel, karab, Phil, Jericho, Steve and Ivan head down the stairs to join the group, as do Maurice, Moe and Bob.

Melvin: I wish he'd hurry up. It feels like we're about to be ambushed at any minute.

Bobb [Cracking his knuckles]: Nothing's going to ambush us while we're here, little man.

The doors to the Eastern wing open and Will slowly peers his head out, looking around cautiously.


Mustafa [Looking up at Will]: All of us!

Will [Hesitantly]: No, I mean...something that could kill me!

Mustafa [Chuckling]: All of us!

Will [Sighing]: I mean some weird Japanese thing!

That Other Random Guy: Come on down, you big baby! We're safe here!

Will is shoved roughly through the doors as Dave and Robbie appear behind him.

Dave [Angrily]: MOVE IT, YOU BIG BABY!!

Will [Angrily, spinning around]: FUCK YOU, GAY BOY!!

Dave grabs Will by the throat, forcing him backwards against the railing and glaring at him.

Dave [Quietly]: I swear to God that I will snap your neck should your mouth open again.

Will gulps and Dave pushes him away, walking down the stairs.

Robbie: Seriously, why are people thinking we're gay? Sal hangs out with Vince and Billy in a secluded mansion and yet no-one thinks he loves cock!

Sal [Looking up at Robbie]: That's because they fucking disgust me! If I was gay, i'd go for someone a lot better!

Steve: Don't lie, Sal.

Sal [Scoffing]: Well, sorry if I have high standards, Steve!

Samuel: ...Why are we even having this conversation?

Finally, from the Western wing, emerge Billy with Johnny and Tim in tow. Johnny and Tim are looking around cautiously as Billy swings his sock filled with bars of soap around his head.

Sal: Speaking of homosexuals!

Billy [Calling out]: WHO'S READY FOR A POUNDIN'?!

Bill: Hey, Billy, we're all safe here.

Billy: Ach, I was talkin' about who wants it in general! [Walking over to the railing and looking down at the mercenaries]: Specifically yeh, Will!

Will [Sneering]: Come and get it, skirt wearer.

Billy rushes to the stairs, sprinting down them. Will screams, rushing towards Bobby and huddling behind him as Billy rushes over, swinging the sock threateningly around his head.


Will: I can and will!

Bobby clears his throat, side-stepping to the left and leaving Will unguarded. Will looks up, whimpering.

Will [Laughing nervously]: Hey, Billy!....Don't kill me!

Jericho: Die with some bloody courage!

Will [Bluntly]: Never.

Johnny and Tim walk downstairs as the dining room doors are thrust open. Lynch, Dean, Eligio and Vince walk through the doors and into the main hall, looking around.

Lynch: Alright, follow me. We're going to get my phone. And we should probably get the sugar glider too.

Lynch walks forward, the mercenaries following as he begins to walk up the left-hand set of stairs. The mercenaries are sticking together in a tight huddle.

Johan: Can we get any closer?

Frank: Hey, we should stick close: I don't want to die!

Sal: Everybody knows that it's the dude at the back dies first.

Frank: No, it's the person at the front who dies first.

Eligio: Sometimes its a guy from the side who gets picked off.

Lynch sighs, stopping.

Lynch [Looking over his shoulder]: What do we do, then?

Phil [Stepping forward, suddenly wearing a full set of Centurion armour, complete with crested helmet]: FORM TESTUDO!!!

Lynch [Sighing darkly and facepalming]: Please no..

Jericho: It's a good idea. We get a load of shielding stuff, hold it over our heads and to our sides, the guys in front hold shields in front of them, guys at the back hold shields in front of them. Voila! Mobile protection!

Lynch's eyes suddenly widen and he snaps his fingers.


Lynch and the mercenaries rush through the double doors and into the dining room.


The doors into the Western wing open and two tables, placed vertically, slowly squeeze through the doors with Johan and Marcos carrying them. Sidestepping behind them are Bill, Jon, Brick, Dave, Robbie and Vince to the right, carrying tables horizontally, with Johnny, Tim, Mustafa and Bobby to the left, also carrying tables horizontally with Mustafa and Bobby carrying one table themselves. Behind them are Eligio, Melvin, That Other Random Guy and Billy, carrying tables horizontally and blocking in the rest of the mercenaries. In the middle of the huddle stands Phil, still dressed as a Centurion, with Lynch in front of him. For some reason, Maurice, Sal, Jericho, Ivan and Bob are holding chairs up to the ceiling. The testudo of tables slowly shuffles down the corridor. Phil looks around.

Phil: Alright, where are we going?

The testudo stops.

Dean: Y'know, where do people go when their house is haunted and they're under attack by malevolent spirits?

Moe: They usually run around the house. Screaming. And running into the dead corpses of their friends. Sometimes they run outside, alone, in a random direction. Into the dead corpses of their friends.

Tim: Lotta death, huh?

Johnny: As long as we stick together, we should be fine..........hopefully.

Lynch: Okay, so, does anyone have a mobile phone?

The mercenaries look around at eachother, shaking their heads and letting out a resounding 'No' amongst them.

Lynch: So, we're on the right track, cause we gotta get my phone.

The testudo slowly, silently begins to move forward.

Phil [Singing suddenly]: Who do you think you are kidding Mister Hitler, if you think we're on the run?

Jericho: Don't, Phil. Just don't.

Mustafa: And technically, we ARE on the run.

The testudo continues slowly moving up the hallway

Vince: Guys--

Lynch [Angrily]: WHAT?!

Vince: Jisatsu means 'Suicide'. Just thought i'd let you know.

Jon: So, we're staying in Hotel Suicide?

Eligio: It's better than the Hotel California.

Mercenaries [Singing jovially, all in unison]: WELCOME TO THE HOTEL CALIFORNIAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

Lynch [Laughing]: Sweet Baby Jesus, I hope we can leave..

The mercenaries stop at the end of the hallway: Sal, Brick, Bob and Steve step aside and allow Lynch access to his door. Lynch walks into his room, slamming the door shut behind him. A small, tense silence follows.

Mustafa: I can't believe we're in a testudo.

Phil: Don't question the testudo.

Eligio: Seriously, Phil, you need to go to a doctor: You've got to be crazy.

Phil: Just because I am aware of ancient battle techniques. Which are working.

Tim: Until Foxy charges at us.

Dave: He'll just bounce!...........A ghost, on the other hand..

A small murmur of agreement goes up.

Phil [Coldly]: Shut the fuck up.

All of a sudden, a bloodcurdling scream is heard from Lynch's room, followed by pounding on the door.

Lynch [Screaming]: OH GOD, SOMETHING'S GOT ME!!

The mercenaries look around, screaming wildly as Lynch claws at the door. Frank runs forward, pulling violently at the handle.

Frank [Screaming]: WE'RE COMING FOR YOU, LYNCH!!

Lynch [Desperately]: HEEEEEELLLLLPPPPPPP!!!


Tim drops his half of the table, bolting off down the hallway. Sal screams, running down the opposite end of the hallway and hurtling himself through the double doors. Frank wrenches the handle violently as it's pulled off in his hands. Frank gazes at the handle, screaming.

Bill [Desperately]: LYNCH!

Dean [Panicking]: Not good, Not good, Not good, Not good, NOT GOOD!!!!

Blood starts to pour through the hole where the handle used to be and the mercenaries drop their chairs and tables, scuttling backwards and screaming even louder. They stop, hearing laughter as the door is booted open violently and Lynch walks out, clutching a bottle of tomato ketchup and doubling over, clutching his stomach as he laughs wildly.

Eligio [Angrily]: HIJO DE PUTA!!!!

Lynch [Laughing, pointing at them]: YOU SHOULD SEE YOUR FUCKIN' FACES!!!!

Samuel: FUCK YOU!!!

Lynch [Slapping his thighs, laughing loudly]: Oh, God, you're killing me! Stop!

Dave [Angrily]: Fuck off, Lynch! Sal and Tim just ran away!

Lynch [Suddenly stopping laughing and throwing up his arms]: Oh, for FUCKS sake! Can you assholes just stop running for a few seconds?!

Johnny: We really should get them!

Lynch [Sighing bitterly]: We'll go to the main hall and we'll wait for them. THAT'S ALL!

Mustafa: But they might ran into a masked man and get eviscerated violently!

Johnny pales suddenly.

Lynch [Sarcastically]: Ha ha, very fucking funny Mustafa. Look, shut up and move forward..............NOW, YOU FOUR! MOVE!

Eligio, Melvin, That Other Random Guy and Billy start moving forward as the testudo now begins to move up the hallway and towards the double doors. Lynch sighs, walking besides Phil as the testudo slowly moves forward.

Lynch [Coldly]: Bunch of faggots. Can't you guys stop running?!

Phil: It's in our nature: See danger, shoot it. Can't shoot it? Run the fuck away.

Frank: I think you'll find it's a very good reflex to have. Unless the enemy shoots you in the back. Then it's just a case of dying tired.

The doors are slowly pushed open by the tables as the testudo makes its way out into the hallway, slowly and awkwardly descending down the nearest set of stairs. Lynch spins his phone in his hand, whistling to himself.

Maurice: You sound oddly happy, lad.

Lynch: Well, we've got a phone. Just gotta get to Mount Fuji for an evac.

Brick: We'll be safe, guys!

That Other Random Guy [Mumbling]: I doubt that somehow...

As the mercenaries reach the floor, a knocking booms against the doors. The testudo, standing in the middle of the floor, quickly faces the doors.

Johnny: Aw shit!

Phil: Steady! Steady!

Jon [Looking around]: Ghosts don't knock. What the hell is it?

The knocking booms against the doors again. The mercenaries whimper, the testudo stepping backwards.

Vince: Maybe it's something evil!

Frank: Something foul!

Dick: Something sinister!

Phil walks out of the testudo, walking towards the door and grasping the handles, wrenching it open: A delivery boy, standing in front of a red moped and wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform, is standing there.

Pizza Delivery Man: Who ordered the Domino's?

The mercenaries fall silent. Lynch drops his table on the floor and steps forward.

Lynch: Yeah, we're hungry. That'd be me.

Sal: Sweet!

Pizza Delivery Man: Dude, I got here from Arizona in less than thirty minutes, I'm going to want a tip.

Lynch: Sure.

Lynch takes the pizzas before kicking the door shut.


Lynch turns to the group, nodding.

Lynch: Well, they're getting faster, at least.

Maurice: Bloody lovely, mate!

Lynch: Alright, ladies, stay here and hold the fort: I'm going to put these in the dining room where we can eat........We did leave a table, didn't we?

Melvin: Yeah, one.

Lynch: That'll do.

Lynch walks through the mercenaries and pushes his shoulders against the double doors into the dining room, forcing them open and walking inside. The mercenaries simply stand there, holding up their tables, and waiting.

Johnny: Hey, i'm curious...

Sal: What?

Johnny: ....Billy, what happened to Foxy?

A silence descends across the mercenaries.

Billy: That's a good question--

Seemingly on cue, the front doors open and the skeletal robotic form of Foxy the Fox bursts out. The mercenaries fall silent. Foxy screams. As does Phil. As do the rest of the mercenaries. Phil throws down his scutum and gladius, screaming and sprinting up the stairs, away from Foxy and bursting through the doors into the West wing.

Eligio [Watching]: The boy sure doesn't handle jumpscares well.

Marcos: What do we do about our cybernetic friend?

Foxy quickly twists around, sprinting out of the front doors for no apparent reason.

Eligio [Placing a hand on Marcos's shoulder]: Let him go. He is Japan's problem now.

Lynch walks into the main room from the dining room, looking around and narrowing his eyes.

Lynch: Where the fuck did Phil go?

Sal: Foxy came in and screamed at us, so he pissed himself and ran.

Lynch [Coldly]: Right, fuck it. We're eating and then making this last visit to the Eastern wing, gathering who we can, and THEN we're leaving. No ifs, no ands, no buts.

Vince: What about the--

Lynch: They're cowards. They will find their way. After all, that's probably what Dick, Al and Dion did. And stop this testudo shit.

As the mercenaries begin dropping their tables and chairs, finally stopping their nonsensical testudo, Tavi is heading towards the double doors towards the Eastern wing. Without warning, the Kuchisake-Onna suddenly appears in front of the doors, her wide grin glistening in the moonlight as she clutches her pair of scissors, snipping them threateningly.

Tavi [Quietly]: What do you want, you mad bitch?

Owner [Grinning eerily]: To kill the hairy barbarians.

Tavi cracks her knuckles, watching as the Owner slowly walks towards her. Phil rushes around the corner behind her in the hallway, noticing the Kuchisake-Onna and sprinting forward.


The Kuchisake-Onna twists around, only for Phil to throw himself through the air sideways, slamming the brunt of his body into the demon. The skinny form of the Kuchisake-Onna is sent to the floor swiftly as Phil lands on his feet, his Centurion helmet disloging from his head and rolling across the floor. Phil stumbles forward and looks at Tavi.

Tavi [Folding her arms]: Are you quite done?

Phil: Let's fucking get outta here!

Tavi: Are you suggesting we run away?

Phil: Me and you, let's run the fuck outta here, find the nearest road, hijack a car and head to Tokyo!

Tavi [Narrowing her eyes]: You mad bastard, if the others find out we've abandoned them--

Phil: They'd do the same to us,

Tavi [Shrugging]: You're right. Let's roll.

Tavi turns to the room to her left, wrenching open the door and walking inside. Phil follows as she grips the window in front of Room C, pulling it open and climbing out onto a thin ledge, leaping downwards and onto the grass below, rolling through the impact. Phil swings his leg through the window, lifting and looping his other leg through the window so he's sitting on the ledge.


Phil drops down from the window, falling downwards and hitting the grass with a crunch, rolling haphazardly through the impact as they both begin running up the driveway.


The mercenaries, with Lynch at the helm, enter the Eastern wing: Lynch walks forward, looking around. His foot collides with the centurion helmet, kicking it forward. Lynch looks at the floor, then at the windows, the third one of which has been opened. Lynch looks out of the open window, looking left and right.

Lynch: So, someone's got away.

Steve: Do you think it's Phil and Tavi?

Lynch [Pulling back, Sniffing the air]: I smell wet dog and piss. Must be.

Jericho [Leaning down and picking up the Centurion's helmet]: Yeah, it's definitely Phil. So he's gone. Are we missing anyone?

Lynch: Yeah, we've lost Dean, Karab and Samuel.

Frank: And Dick, Dion and Al!

Lynch: They've probably ran the fuck away by now.

Sal: Fuck, we're rolling in light!

Lynch [Determined]: Leave them! TOGETHER, WE WILL SLAP THE JAP OFF THE MAP!

The mercenaries go silent.

Johnny: Don't you think that was a tad racist?

Vince: A TAD?! That's some American propaganda you're spewing!

Samuel [In disbelief]: Fucking hell, Lynch! You can't just say that!

Lynch [Quickly]: My grandfather was a Marine, he said it ALL the time!

Johan: That doesn't make it any better.

Lynch: Look, shut up and follow me. We're only missing eight people. For a trip with a company from the Academy, i'd say that's a personal goddamn best.

Maurice: Bloody hell, Lynch, are we really gonna leave them?

Lynch [Turning to Maurice and clasping his hands on his shoulders]: Look here, big boy: I have never underestimated any of you. I also do not underestimate the cowardice of any of you, which means that I know people have ran the fuck away by now.

Johan: He does have a point.

Moe: Well, boss, let's go!

Lynch: First of all, we need to think of a plan of action: If we walk into a random direction, we will be walking into some kind of disaster or possibly cross a serial killer who will spend two hours murdering us in hilariously violent ways.

Vince: Well, we could head towards Mount Fuji. I mean, on top of Mount Fuji, I suppose we could get a signal for our phones and we could use it to phone Mother for an evac.

Lynch [Appearing slightly nervous]: Well, Vince, i'd rather it not come to that..

Brick [Snapping his fingers and grinning]: I COULD CALL ZEMUS!!     

Jon [Desperately]: Please, no.

Brick [Turning and looking at Jon]: C'mon, buddy, he owes me a favour and could pick us all up from Fuji!

Lynch: Sounds good to me.

Moe: But Zemus is crazy! Remember when we went to Bulgaria to save Eligio?! He was drunk!

Bob: But he...kinda got us there in one piece.

Lynch: Exactly. Now, follow me. We're going to Mount Fuji, we're calling in Zemus and we're getting the fuck out of here.

Lynch leads his few mercenaries out through the double doors and into the main hallway. Heading downstairs, Lynch leads his mercenaries outside, unaware that Dean, Karab and Samuel are still inside the mansion..


In Room B-2 on the Western wing, Dean is in the bathroom. He walks over to the toilet, sighing and unzipping his shorts.

Dean: C'mon, big boy..

Dean sighs loudly, beginning to urinate as crackling is heard in the bedroom, where Samuel is sweeping the entirety of the room with an ESP detector. Dean looks around in the darkened bathroom, shuddering his shoulders.

Dean: So, i'm alone. Peeing. In the dark. In a haunted house. How the hell do I frighten off the ghosts?...

Dean hums quietly, urinating for a few seconds before he bursts into song.


Girl: Try turning on the light.

Dean: ...........Well, it's a good thing i'm peeing, or I'd piss my pants.

Dean whistles to himself, quickly zipping up and flushing before turning around, turning on the light, nodding, clutching his head in his hands and screaming violently. Samuel quickly boots the door open and grasps the bathroom door, pulling it open.

Samuel [Panicking]: DEAN?!?!?


Samuel: Alright, Dean, get up!


Samuel [Impatiently]: DEAN!!!

Samuel pulls Dean to his feet, slapping him sharply around his cheek with his right hand. Dean begins to hyperventilate, and Samuel slaps his with his other hand, followed by a second right-handed slap. Dean keeps hyperventilating, and Samuel shrugs, slapping him with both hands at once. Dean reels backwards against the wall, shaking his head roughly.

Dean [Hastily]: I'm fine! I'm cool!

Karab pulls the bathroom door open, rushing in and looking around.

Karab: I heard screaming.

Samuel: It was just Dean.

Karab [Crestfallen]: As always.

Dean [Bluntly]: Fuck you.

Karab: Well, I come bearing bad news.

Samuel: Go on.

Karab: The others have left, gone outside.

Samuel: So, we're all alone in here?

Dean [Narrowing his eyes]: Calculations say that we're utterly screwed.

Samuel: No, we're not.

Dean: Why?

Samuel: Group huddle.

Karab, Dean and Samuel huddle up, placing their arms around eachothers shoulders.

Samuel: We go into the kitchen, take all the salt we can, and line the main doorways. That'll stop ghosts and spirits. For everything else, we take some gas canisters from the kitchen. We place one in the western wing, one in the eastern wing, light them and throw lit books of matches into the room. That should cause enough fire and damage to begin burning the place down.

Dean: And if there are no gas canisters?

Samuel [Calmly]: Trust me, I know that there will be very conveniently placed gas canisters.

Karab: Let's not wait, then.

Samuel, Dean and Karab head through the double doors and into the dining room. They look ahead at the lone table standing in front of a rough stack of tables and chairs: Sal and Tim are standing there, eating pizza.

Dean: ...Uh, hi?

Sal [Turning around and waving]: Yo.

Samuel: ....Why are you guys here?

Tim: ....Pizza.

Samuel: But...we need to destroy the inn.

Tim: Oh. Well....pizza?

Dean [Looking at Samuel hopefully]: Pizza?!

Samuel [Sighing]: ...Pizza.

Dean runs towards the giddily table as Karab and Samuel sigh in unison.


Outside, the mercenaries who begin to escape from the inn are heading south towards Mount Fuji. The sea of trees unfolding in front of them completely obscure their view, something multiplied by the fact that darkness has fallen, lending itself to the eerie, still atmosphere of the forest. The only thing that can be heard are leaves and twigs crunching and snapping underfoot as the mercenaries march forward.

Johnny: So, is this your first trip where we've left with more than people than are returning?

Lynch [Coldly]: No.

Bill: That's a stupid question. I bet Lynch has seen hundreds of people die under his command!

Lynch: No, I just abandon the stupid cunts.

Bill: Charming.

Lynch stops, as do the other mercenaries: In the darkness, their mindless wandering is pointless, only serving for them to lose their sense of direction and drive them deeper into a cold, unforgiving forest. Frank snaps his fingers suddenly.

Frank: Let's follow the northern star!

Frank points up to the sky, directly at the canopy of leaves and branches that completely obscure any and all views of the sky above them.

Lynch [Looking up, Sarcastically]: Fuck me, I see a beacon of hope!

Frank [Chuckling, lowering his hand]: My mistake--


Frank: Alrigh--

Lynch [Sarcastically, clapping]: PRAISE BE TO BABY FUCKING JESUS! WE ARE SAVED!! [Turning to Frank] Please go one second without being retarded.

Dave [Laughing]: You know that's impossible, Lynch!

Moe: So, where do we go?

The mercenaries fall silent.

Vince: Well, this inn is to the North. Right now, we're heading South, right?

Lynch: Not a fucking clue.

Vince: Well...let's head off in one direction! I mean, we keep walking and surely we'll escape, right?

Lynch: Fine, but you take the lead. You can die the horrendously violent death.

Vince sighs, turning left and walking off into the forest. The mercenaries quickly follow, the unnerving silence surrounding them.

Billy: Yeh know, Foxy is oot here.

Mustafa [Cracking his knuckles]: Let the robot come.

Bill: I hate this place..

Jon [Darkly]: We all do.

Billy: Ain't that bad.

Jon [Darkly]: We're in the middle of a forest famous for being a suicide hotspot.

Jericho: Could be worse.

Jon: How?

Jericho: Could be in England.

A murmur of agreement rolls across the mercenaries.

Bob [Quietly]: There's nothing wrong with England..

Jericho: I'm English and even I admit that England has problems.

Vince [Piping up]: Guys, I hear water....we must be close to Lake Saiko.

Lynch: Does that mean we're getting closer to Fuji?

Vince: Well, we have to pass over quite a few roads to get there.

Lynch: .....So, we'll be out of this fucking forest soon?

Vince: Quite soon. Still a fair amount of walking to do. Saiko will provide us with a clearing to let us get our bearings.

Bob: Thank God for that. This place smells weird and i'm pretty sure there's corpses lying around.

Vince [Chuckling]: Oh, there are a lot of corpses lying around. And, literally, hanging around.

Eligio [Sarcastically]: Such a wonderful place to go on holiday!

Lynch: Hey, it's a Halloween holiday, we wanted to go somewhere spooky.

Will [Scoffing]: Did we really? DID WE REALLY?!

Steve: Just because you wanted to be arrested for fondling someone on the subway...

Will [Smirking]: If only...

Steve: Will, if you do, you will get arrested, and the Japanese aren't known for being too accommodating towards foreigners who are arrested here. You'd have to search high and low for someone to communicate with the police for you.

Frank: And let's face it: Nobody in their right mind would defend you.

Will [Coldly]: Fuck off.

A sudden scuttling is heard behind them: The mercenaries stop, looking around.

Brick: Aw shit.

Jon [Cautiously]: What is that?

Lynch [Hissing]: Shut up for a second!

The mercenaries fall silent. Eligio yelps.

Frank: Eligio?!

The sound of a slap is heard, followed by a whimper.

Eligio [Angrily]: Fuck you, Melvin, keep your feet to yourself!

Lynch [Angrily]: Can you all just shut up for a few seconds?!

Bob: Maybe we're just hearing shit!

The mercenaries fall silent for a few more seconds. Another crackling of leaves is heard.

Brick: This is great, we can't see shit!

Frank: Did anybody bring an iPod or a phone?!

A murmuring rolls across the mercenaries, mostly in disagreement.

Lynch [In disbelief]: I told you to bring your fucking phones!

Maurice: We did nae think yeh were bloody serious, Lynch!

Lynch [Exasperated]: Of course I was serious! Right, shut up, hang on...

Lynch fumbles in his pocket, pulling out his mobile phone and pressing a button. The screen lights up and Lynch holds the phone outwards, scanning across the mercenaries who wince as the light passes across them. Moe waves his hand, standing between Johan and Mustafa, while Jon simply stands there with his arms folded. Lynch steps forward towards Eligio, Melvin and That Other Random Guy, shining the light across them.

Melvin: Boo.

The scuttling sounds again. Lynch turns around, shining the light behind him: Standing behind Will is the skeletal, mechanical form of Foxy, hook glistening in the moonlight. Every mercenary suddenly turns their head towards Foxy, their eyes widening.

Will: I've seen that look before!

Frank: Uh, Will--

Will sprints forward.


Foxy lets loose a loud screech as the mercenaries scream.

Frank [Pointing and screaming]: HOLY FUCKING BALLS!!!!!!!

Eligio [Screaming]: RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!

Every mercenary follows Will as Foxy gives chase. Without thinking, Mustafa twists around, holding out his right arm: Foxy collides with the trunk-like arm of Mustafa, sending itself to the floor. Mustafa twists around, pointing ahead.

Mustafa [Bellowing]: HE'S DOWN! KEEP RUNNING!!!!

Bobby: Nice on!

Eligio [Panting heavily]: Good job, mi amigo!

Bob [Screaming]: HOLY SHIT, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!

Bobby [Chuckling]: Damn, Bob, you should try chilling out.

Johan: Yeah, screaming will just make the robot angrier and tear you apart first.

Jon [Breathing heavily]: SCREAM, BOB! SCREAM LIKE A BITCH!

Bob [Angrily]: FUCK YOU!

The mercenaries burst forward, breaching through the perimeter of the forest and coming across a large, expansive lake, flanked by rolling hills and unfolding, lush fields. On the shoreline stands an old, wooden, somewhat decrepit, hut. The mercenaries skid to a halt, the clearing allowing them to catch their breath.



Lynch: ....Yeah! You're right! FRANK! BILL! MOE! Check out that fishing hut!

Moe [In disbelief]: FUCKING WHAT?!?!?

Frank: Hell no!

Lynch [Impatiently]: Orders are orders, cuntbags! Check it!

Moe, Frank and Bill exchange uneasy looks, walking across and to the fishing hut. Frank gulps, pulling the door open and walking inside: The hut is small and completely threadbare. The walls and floor are little more than wooden planks, the stench of mould permeating the air, with only a single, dusty window to let in the light.

Moe: Not a single item of furniture. Let's go.

Bill: Hey, shut up....What's that?

They listen carefully, an odd scratching being heard near the window. Bill grasps it and opens it, looking around before turning to Frank and Moe.

Bill: Hey, guess it was nothi--

Frank [Screaming]: OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU??!?!?

Frank points behind Bill who turns around: In the window, grasped onto the ledge, is a young woman with flowing black hair covering a naked and thin, almost skeletal, body. The demon pulls itself up, revealing a scythe being held in its mouth and only the upper half intact: The lower half of the 'body' is little more than the stub of a vertebrae, sliced raggedly.

Moe [Pointing]: It's the Teke Teke! A vengeful Japanese spirit, sliced in half at the waist, who has returned to enact bloodcurdling vengeance!

The mercenaries watch, Moe still pointing, as the Teke Teke struggles violently, pulling itself up the window and carefully balancing the scythe in its mouth. Bill steps forward, grasping the window and shutting it. The Teke Teke growls, tapping its head against the window as Bill turns around, walking back towards the group.

Bill: Nobody go near the fucking window.

Moe: Well, that's that sorted out. C'mon.

Moe, Bill and Frank turn around, walking out of the hut and shutting the door behind them, walking towards the mercenaries.

Lynch: Haunted?

Moe [Nodding]: Haunted.

Lynch: Alright, let's keep walking.

Lynch and the mercenaries turn to the right, walking south once again. As they do, an explosion roars in the distance behind them. The mercenaries turn their heads, watching as a violent plume of orange and black flames roars upwards towards the sky.

Frank [Pointing]: So, I'm guessing that's one of ours, then?

Bill: Random explosion in the middle of an unpopulated forest? That's definitely the work of Reject Company!

Bob: We should probably head there and....well, make sure that nobody is dead.

Johnny: They better not be dead! Some of us have got boyfriends to worry about!

Lynch [Walking towards the explosion]: Shut the fuck up and follow me. We'll find them.

Lynch leads the mercenaries towards the explosion, the scent of burning, acrid smoke filling the air.  

Jon [Darkly]: If they're crispy, we leave them alone.

Frank: Guys, have faith: if we caused the explosion, it means we outran it.

Will: Really?

Sal: Well, he's got a point: Nobody causes an explosion in the middle of a haunted forest unless they're a member of Reject Company, and everybody knows that whenever Reject Company primes explosives, they run the fuck away from it before detonating it.

Dave [Muttering]: Sometimes into oncoming traffic.

That Other Random Guy [Tutting bitterly, shaking his head]: Man, nobody could've seen that coming. Least of all poor Pepe.

Eligio: Who doesn't see an eighteen wheeler heading up a Brazilian road at eighty miles an hour?!

Bobby: Pepe didn't.

That Other Random Guy: Well, at least we know what the last thing was that went through his mind: The truck's front bumper.

Melvin [Chuckling]: Man, that's nasty.

Robbie: But true.

Lynch [Quietly]: They better be alive.

Will: Even if they aren't, nobody can blame you: After all, we ARE Reject Company.

Maurice: Have faith, lads.

Robbie: Why?

Maurice: Cause we're a bunch of ass-kickers, and some of us do have brains, like. We know to run away from burning buildings.

Sal: So, uh, explain why we're walking towards one?

A small silence punctuates Sal as the mercenaries continue talking.

Lynch [Coldly]: Shut up, Sal. We know what we're doing.

Johnny: Do we?

Will: I doubt it.

Frank [Angrily]: YES! WE DO!

The mercenaries walk through a clearing: Ahead of them is Lake Saiko, the skeletal fishing hut ahead of them. Somehow, someway, by not paying attention and simply talking to eachother, they managed to walk in a complete circle.

Sal: Aw, what the fuck?

Billy: Well, shite, that's the fishing hut.

The mercenaries stand there, looking at the unfolding majesty of Lake Saiko, reflecting the beautiful moonlight.

Lynch [Calmly]: ......We're lost, aren't we?

Lynch falls silent as he listens to the sound of nothing but rustling trees and running water.

Vince: Yes.

Lynch screams loudly, turning to Vince and tackling him to the floor as the others watch on. The scene fades to black.


The scene, however, opens in a traditional Japanese ryokan. Though the location is unknown, the open fields and cobbled streets around it, as well as the fact that it is in the midst of a quiet town, sleeping as the stars sparkle in the night sky, indicates that it as far from Aokigahara as possible. In the bedroom, divided from the rest of the room by traditional paper dividers, Phil and Tavi are laid down on a futon, a small wooden cabinet upon which a small flat-screen television is perched at the foot of their bed. The television is off and both of them are simply laid there in the dark, huddled beneath the white duvet, looking at the ceiling.

Tavi: How do you think the others are doing?

Phil: Dead.

Tavi: Phil...

Phil [Shrugging]: Or wounded. or something. Why should we worry? We're laying in a comfortable bed, about to have a good nights sleep without having to worry about being stabbed.

Tavi: What will they say when they find out we ran?

Phil: The same thing that they'll say to Al, Dick and Dion.

Tavi: We--Wait, they ran?

Phil; Well, did YOU see them as we blindly ran away ourselves?

Tavi [Laying back]: ....Well, as long as they survive.

Phil climbs into the futon beside her, laying on his side and looking at her.

Phil: Of course they will. The best thing we can do now is not worry, call a priest in the morning and tell the bastard to get to Aokigahara.

Tavi: Until then?

Phil [Grinning]: Well, if you're feeling amorou--

Tavi [Bluntly]: No.

Phil: Well, goodnight.

Phil rolls onto his other side, closing his eyes. Tavi simply lays there, looking up at the ceiling.

Tavi; Phil?

Phil [Grunting]: Mm?

Tavi: In the morning, can we go to an onsen?

Phil [Grunting in agreement]: Mm.

Tavi: Then can we go to a restaurant that serves some yakinuku?

Phil [Grunting in agreement]: Mm.

Tavi: We can go to Akihabara?

Phil [Grunting irritably]: Mm.

Tavi: Was that a yes?

Phil [After a moments silence, grunting]: ....Mmhm.

Tavi [Clapping her hands slightly]: Yay!

Tavi flops her head down, closing her eyes. The scene fades to black.


Yet again, the scene opens. However, this time, the scene opens in Tokyo. Despite night encroaching, the city is very much alive and throbbing, the nightlife pulsating a rainbow of neon colours throughout the streets and the maze of alleyways that make up the beautiful city. Inside a Japanese pub, where the salarymen are relaxing and drinking following a hard day at work, Dion, Dick and Al are sat at a long wooden bar, bottles of Sapporo and pint glasses in front of them.

Al [Grinning]: Well, lads, it's Japanese but it's beer, and the Japanese do a good beer, or so i've heard. But, bollocks to it, cause we have certain traditions to follow!

Dion: Like?

Al : Well, we pour eachother drinks, and only then can we drink after giving a cheers!

Dick: Alright then!

Dick takes Al's bottle, and Dion takes Dick's bottle. Dion pours a drink for Dick and Dick pours a drink for Al. Al takes Dion's bottle, pouring a drink for him. Each man raises their glasses, falling silent for a few seconds.

Al: So, cheers?

Dick: How do they say it here?

Dion: Kanpai.

Dick [Smirking]: Bless you.

Dick, Al and Dion thrust their glasses into the air.

Dick, Al and Dion [In unison, energetically]: KANPAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIII!!!!!

Dick: Here's to not dying like wankers!

Dick, Al and Dion [In unison, energetically]: KAAAANNNNNNPAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIII!!!!!

Al: Here's to leaving the retards to die!

Dick, Al and Dion [In unison, energetically]: KAAAAANPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!

Dion: Here's to Tokyo!


They clink their glasses together as the scene finally fades to black.


The scene opens up in an unknown location within Aokigahara. The stench of smoke still fills the air from the burning hotel, but the mercenaries are deep within the forest, sitting in a circle around a hastily-constructed campfire in a small clearing. Maurice is sitting, cross-legged, with a pile of hacked logs in front of him, staring into the fire as the other mercenaries sit and lay around, seemingly consigned to their fate. Notably, every mercenary is now sporting a thick, bushy and wiry beard, with the notable exception of Will who still has a trimmed moustache.

Lynch [Quietly, staring into the fire]: Waaaaarrrrrr.....

Frank [Looking at Lynch]: Did you say something?

Lynch [Clearing his throat]: Nah, i'm just thirsty.

Vince: We could go to Lake Saiko and drink.

That Other Random Guy [Muttering]: Drink corpse cast-off? I think not........Besides which, we're lost...

Melvin [Mumbling]: So lost..

Mustafa [Scratching his beard]: Hungry, too.

Frank: We should probably move, Lynch, or else we'll die.

Bob: Very slowly of thirst and starvation.

Steve [Quietly, staring into the fire and twirling the end of his beard]: We might go insane and start fighting amongst eachother, then one person would be killed, possibly by accident. Then that person will be cannibalised mercilessly by the group for survival.

The mercenaries slowly look at Steve, whose eyes are unflinching.

Ivan: You veally do have problems, friend.

Steve [Quietly]: We all have a problem: Starvation slowly settling in.

Will [Raising his arm]: Uh, well, I nominate Frank.

Everybody looks over at Frank, whose eyes widen slightly.

Frank: WHY ME?!

Will: You've been marinating yourself for years.

A mumbling of agreement rises up from the mercenaries. Frank scoffs, moving his mouth but unable to say anything, probably due to the fact that he knows Will's right.

Moe: I bet it's tender and tastes like a steak and ale stew.

Frank [Nervously]: Uh, guys, we shouldn't--

Bill [Slowly getting to his feet]: KILL THE PIG. CUT HIS THROAT. SPILL HIS BLOOD.

The mercenaries slowly look at Bill, who has a crazed look in his eyes as he glares over at Frank. Lynch snaps his fingers and Bill shakes his head, looking around the campsite.

Bill [Sheepishly]: Sorry, i'm just hungry.

Bill slowly sits down. A rustling is heard behind Lynch. The mercenaries look up and Lynch gets to his feet, twisting around and watching as Sal, with a thick black beard, a torn and dirtied Hawaiian shirt and cargo shorts, walks towards them, barefooted as he gazes around. As soon as he sees Lynch, a grin creeps across his face.


Lynch: Sal, you look like a hobo.

Sal [Bluntly]: So do you.

Lynch looks down at his own dirty Hawaiian shirt and beard.

Lynch: Oh.

Maurice: Please tell me you brought food!

Sal: What? I followed the smell of burning wood. You mean you don't have any tasty barbecue?!

Lynch: No..

Sal falls to his knees, screaming desperately to the heavens.

Maurice: Bloody hell...Calm down, lad, we all fail that pain.

Sal [Sobbing]: WE'RE STUCK IN ABSOLUTE HELL!!!!!!!

The undergrowth rustles behind Sal and Tim, with a thick, blonde beard to match his hair, slowly strolls through, gazing around.

Tim [Quietly]: We're free?


Lynch twists around, slapping Sal sharply around the face.

Lynch [Angrily]: CALM DOWN!!!!!!!

Tim slowly walks over to Johnny, who gets to his feet.

Johnny [Quietly]: Thought you died..

Tim [Quietly]: Rumours of my demise have been greatly exaggerated..

Johnny [Raising an eyebrow, bluntly]: What?

Tim [Shaking his head]: Sorry, I just always wanted to say that.

Johnny and Tim hug eachother tightly, sharing a gentle kiss as the mercenaries let loose a resounding 'Awwwww', punctuated by Sal's yelps as Lynch violently slaps him.

Lynch [Angrily]: CALM! CALM! CALM! CALM! CALM!

Sal [Now curled in the foetal position]: I AM! THIS IS JUST ASSAULT, LYNCH!!

Lynch [Kicking Sal angrily]: WELL! I! AM! A! VERY! ANGRY! MAN!

Lynch stops kicking Sal, who breathes heavily as he lays on the ground. Lynch swings a few further kicks into Sal's torso.

Lynch [Kicking Sal angrily]: THIS! IS! VERY! FUCKING! THERAPEUTIC!

Sal whimpers in pain as Lynch breathes out heavily. Tim and Johnny sit down as Lynch turns back to the group, sitting down himself as Sal wheezes, curled in the foetal position.

Tim: So, what do we do now?

Lynch: We sit and wait for sunrise.

Bob: Seriously? What if something sneaks up on us? Something foul? SOMETHING SINISTER?!

Robbie [Bluntly]: Stop being overtly dramatic.

Bill [Interjecting suddenly]: Guys, I heard about this awesome story called The Cows Head--

Vince: Don't.

Bill: But--

Vince [Ominously]: IF YOU HEAR IT, YOU GO INSANE.

A crack of lightning flashes, punctuated by rumbling thunder as the mercenaries look around the campsite.

Bill: But it's a story.

Lynch: Bill, can we just not do this? We've walloped our balls into the face of fate so much that I think we might be marrying her.

Maurice: I dunno, lads, this holiday's been shite.

Will: No hot Japanese babes..

Lynch: No fishing.

Tim: No visits to parks..

Johan: No visiting Akihabara.

Jericho: And now we're stuck. Out here. Hunted by insane and demonic Japanese monsters and spirits.

Lynch [Sighing darkly]: Fuck this.


Mercenaries [In unison, angrily]: Don't fucking say it.

Brick: Any worse?

The mercenaries glare at Brick. Past Lynch, a dog with a human-style face trots through the circle of mercenaries.

Dog [In a perfectly clear voice, sounding suspiciously American]: Hey guys.

The dog just trots out of the circle before bolting off at blistering speed. The mercenaries exchange uneasy looks.

Lynch: Alright, what the fuck was that? Dweeb?

Vince: Jinmenken. Human-faced dog. They're said to be scientific experiments or the spirits of deceased who died in car crashes--

Mustafa: How do you know this shit?

Vince: Research, my dear Mustafa.

Bob: Well then, we clearly aren't safe just sitting here.

Bill: We should consider walking. We're missing Phil, Tavi, Dion, Dick, Al, Dean, Samuel and Karab. That's eight people, Lynch! Mother won't like it!

Lynch slowly gets to his feet, clapping his hands twice.

Lynch [Quietly]: Alright, alright...Let's get moving........Let's just....Let's just get out of the forest....Let's breach the perimeter......Find some form of civilization....Get help....

The mercenaries groan, slowly getting to their feet..


Elsewhere within the confines of Aokigahara, Dean, Samuel and Karab are trekking south. They appear to be completely unconcerned with their dark surroundings, instead trekking through brush and undergrowth on a mission to finally escape their confines.

Samuel: Dean, I don't feel comfortable.

Dean [Quietly]: It's only the death and despair, we'll be fine.

Samuel: Are you sure about that?

Dean: Nope. We're probably being hunted by something that is violently psychotic.

Karab: You really do have a way with words, Dean.

Dean [Scowling]: Fuck off, Karab, you have the kukri, you should be in front, saving our asses!

Karab [Rolling his eyes]: Typical, the Nepali saving the white mans asses.

Dean [Clapping his hands]: Exactly, so chop chop! You served the British well enough!

Karab [Muttering]: Shut the fuck up and let me take point, them.

Karab walks in front of Dean and Samuel, unsheathing his kukri from his belt and slicing through a thicket, walking forward and followed by both of them.

Dean [Whining]: Does this forest ever end?!

Samuel [Sighing]: Dean, shut up.

Dean: Why? IT'S ENDLESS!!!....Shit, maybe it's a magical forest!

Samuel: What? Do you think a unicorn is going to appear?

Karab stops suddenly, as do Dean and Samuel.

Dean [Eyes widening, looking over Karab's left shoulder]: Shit, unicorn?

Karab [Looking down]: ....No...

Dean walks beside Karab and looks down: Staring up at them is a green, scaly reptilian form, with a flat skull filled with water, the water surrounded by flicks of stringy black hair and bulbous golden eyes, along with webbed hands and feet, staring up at Karab.

Kappa [In perfect English]: Hello.

Dean [Cocking an eyebrow]: What the fuck are you?

Samuel [Standing beside Karab]: It's a Kappa.

Dean: A what?

Samuel: A trickster in Japanese lore. Does everything from passing gas loudly to raping women.

Dean [Pointing at the Kappa]: This little shit?

Samuel: He may also try to drown you.

Dean [Still pointing at the Kappa]: Again: This little shit? What could this thing do?

The Kappa lunges forward, tackling Dean by his legs. Dean hits the floor, screaming as the Kappa seizes his left foot and begins dragging him backwards. Dean rolls onto his stomach, clawing at the floor.

Karab [Watching, underwhelmed]: Maybe i'll just watch him and see what he does.

Dean [Screaming]: IS HE GOING TO DROWN ME OR RAPE ME?!?!?

Samuel [Smirking]: We'll have to wait and see! But he really only rapes women.

Dean [Screaming]: HELP ME!!

Samuel: Tip him over! The water in his head is the source of his power!


Samuel sighs, walking over and pressing the sole of his foot against the side of the Kappa, pushing it over: Water flows out of its skull as it lays there, limp, leaving Dean lying there, looking up.

Dean: Oh.

Dean clears his throat, quickly brushing himself off and turning to the fallen Kappa, swinging his right leg back before delivering a thunderous kick to the creature which sends it flying through the undergrowth and into the distance.

Karab [Sighing and walking forward]: Can we just go before something else weird stops us?

Samuel [Turning around]: Too late..

Dean looks up and Karab turns around: Behind them stands the Kuchisake-Onna, grinning brightly and snipping her scissors. The explosion of her hotel has done nothing to stop or wound her, aside from her fresh face being riddled with ash and her left eyebrow having been scorched off.

Kuchisake-Onna: HELLO!!!!!

Karab: How do we defeat a Kuchisake? HOW?!

Samuel [Gulping]: Uh, there's only really ways as to how we distract it, and not defeat it.

Dean [Stepping forward, arms spread]: WELL, FUCKING KILL ME AND GET IT OVER AND DONE WITH!!!!

Kuchisake-Onna [Grinning]: Okay.

Dean [Crestfallen]: Hang on, don't we go through that whole 'watacho, keyree' shit?

Samuel [Clearing his throat]: Watashi, kirei.

Dean [Angrily]: SHUT UP!!! I KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING!!!

Kuchisake-Onna: Am I pretty?

Dean [Grinning]: Oh yes.

The Kuchisake-Onna grins brightly, snipping her scissors threateningly.

Karab [Sighing]: Oh, Dean...

Dean [Crestfallen]: WAIT, SHIT!!

The Kuchisake-Onna swoops forward. Samuel quickly reaches into his pocket, pulling out a boiled sweet and throwing it over the Kuchisake-Onna's head. She spins around, gliding towards the seat as all three of them sprint away from her.



Karab: THAT IS SICK!!!!



Without warning, the three of them burst through a clearing, skidding to a halt at the side of the road. Dean rushes out into the middle of the road, waving his arms as a pick-up truck lazily trundles forward.

Dean [Screaming]: STOP, SENSEI!

The pick-up truck slowly comes to a halt, revealing a confused looking old Japanese man behind the wheel. Samuel rushes over to the drivers window as the driver unrolls it, and both begin speaking in fluent Japanese.

Karab: Woah, that's some good speaking, Sam!

Dean [Mumbling]: I waved down the goddamn vehicle.

Samuel [Turning to Karab]: Get in the back, he's going to take us to Tokyo.

Karab: Wow, what are the chances of us finding a guy who is heading to Tokyo in the early hours of the morning? As well as you knowing Japanese?

Samuel: Shut up and hop in.

Dean, Samuel and Karab quickly rush around the back of the pick-up truck, hopping it into the back of the empty flatbed as the driver begins to drive forward..


Back with Lynch's group, they are heading south as well, their feet marching but their efforts seemingly futile as they simply march through the forest that continuously unfolds in front of them. Madness is slowly beginning to claim their already addled brains and tiredness is playing tricks on their minds, as is evident when Lynch stops the group as a kitsune, a silver fox with several tails, dashes in front of them and into the distance.

Lynch: Random kitsune there.

Sal [Quietly]: Amazing how this shit can happen to us.

Lynch stops, the ground shaking violently. They look to the right, watching as a figure, at least ten feet tall and a vibrant red colour with shaggy black hair, horns and a tiger-skin loincloth, stomps past, carrying a huge kanobo, a wooden club with metal studs. This demonic creature, known as an oni, simply stomps past, not paying attention to them.

Tim: What next, Bigfoot?

Eligio: Bigfoot's American, compadre, he wouldn't be seen here. Unless I just tempted fate.

Lynch [Sighing]: Screw fate, keep moving forward.

Lynch leads the mercenaries forward, marching through undergrowth, brushing away leaves and kicking aside the occasional dessicated corpse with a noose around its neck to facilitate a simple march forward. From out of their silent surroundings, panpipes begin to play, providing a mystical backdrop to their march. Lynch stops suddenly, as do the mercenaries, looking around: Tim suddenly has a pair of wooden panpipes, playing them as they march. He stops as soon as eyes fall upon him.

Tim: ....What?

Mustafa: Panpipes? Really?

Bob [Sighing]: C'mon, Tim, we don't need that shit playing while we're trying to escape this little slice of hell: You don't see me making whale noises or somebody playing an Enya CD, do you?

Tim: Hey, there's nothing wrong with being a musician.

Bill: So, did you make it big?

Tim: What?

Bill [Shrugging]: Well, y'know, if you're a musician, you've probably tried to make it big, right? Make money from the hobby?

Tim: ....Well, I played a few gigs at local pubs, and our band was almost in the top one hundred for Peruvian pipe bands on iTunes!

Bill: Well, at least you became a mercenary.

Tim: Why?

Bill: Because if you dedicated your life solely to being a musician, you probably wouldn't have gotten out of the pubs and clubs and would have no transferrable skills. What is it? About...I don't know..let's guess and say five percent of bands actually make it out of the garage? But, hey, you're here now, at least you're not a complete failure at life like...a taxi driver or a waiter or a guy who drives mail trucks.

Tim: I don't know whether to feel insulted or complimented. That music was my life, Bill. I really did think I was going to make it big.

Lynch [Muttering]: Panpipes aren't music, sunshine.


Lynch [Mumbling quietly]: This shit can't get any weirder..

Lynch twists around and shoves aside a thicket of undergrowth, revealing a small clearing. Ensconced within this clearing is a ramen-ya restaurant: A large building with clearly visible wooden stools and a serving counter, obscured only by fluttering, large pieces of cloth marked with black Japanese calligraphy. These pieces of cloth obscure the top half of the building and, as such, the chef and other staff who may be inside of it. Topped with a dark ruby red roof and decorated with a strip of red lights across the front of the roof, it's a wonder how it hasn't been spotted, though there is a general sense of it being paranormal in origin.

Lynch: Hey, a Soba vendor in the middle of nowhere. Great.

Vince: So hungry...

Jericho: No, seriously, that is such a clear trap.

Lynch: I'm going in.

Johnny: Seriously?!

Lynch [Cricking his neck from side to side]: I don't give a shit. I'm a Navy SEAL: THE ONLY EASY DAY WAS--

Jericho: Yeah, yeah, 'yesterday', we've heard it all before.

Lynch scowls at Jericho, marching forward and flicking the cloth upwards, walking into the ramen-ya. Two servers, clad in white with red aprons and white hats, stand there and watch as Lynch takes a seat on a stool. He looks down, glancing at a laminated menu situated on the counter and jabs his finger down on an item that he cannot understand but seems to be the only one he knows.

Lynch [Tiredly]: Yeah, the Kitsune-udon, please.

Lynch sighs, looking up: The vendor's faces are now blank, showing their true forms as noppera-bō's: Demons who appear human but with unusually smooth faces, appearing completely featureless.

First Soba Vendor Noppera-Bō [Raising arms menacingly]: BEHOLD MY DISTURBING VISAGE, AMERICAN DOG!

Lynch: Excuse me, but I ordered the kitsune-udon.

The noppera-bō stop, turning to eachother and looking at eachother (if they had faces to look at eachother with) before turning to Lynch and raising their arms.

Soba Vendor Noppera-Bō: WE HAVE NO FACES! FEAR--

Lynch slams his fists down, pointing up at the first vendor.

Lynch [Impatiently]: You won't have a fucking head if you don't fetch me my fucking udon!

Soba Vendor Noppera-Bō: ........Understood.

Lynch [Angrily]: DON'T FUCK WITH A SEAL!!

In a seeming instant, a bowl of ramen with a light-coloured broth, several scattered spring greens and a pouch of fried tofu on top of it is laid in front of Lynch, two chopsticks placed beside it.

Lynch: That's better.

Lynch grabs the chopsticks, effortlessly slurping up the noodles, not taking his eyes away from the noppera-bō. In under a minute, Lynch polishes off the meal, downs the broth and slams a hundred-yen note down on the table.

Lynch: Keep the change.

Lynch twists around, sliding the door open and walking outside, wiping his mouth with the back of his right hand.

Jericho: So, is it a trap?

Lynch: There's some faceless assholes in there.

Vince: Noppera-bō.

Lynch: Gesundheit. Anyway, yeah, just eat and try not to look at their faces. Well, heads.

Vince, Jericho, Bill and Sal rush forward, squeezing through and into the ramen-ya. A kitsune, paws on the counter, now stands before them, silver tails rolling behind it.

Bill: Hang on, he said--

Kitsune: May I help you?

Vince: Yeah, give me some noodles. I don't care what it is, as long as you don't shit in the bowl. Feed me, you crazy fox bastard!

Sal: Same here.

Jericho: Me too.

Bill: But--Fuck it, me too.

Kitsune: Coming up.

The kitsune ducks behind the counter.

Jericho: Crazy fox bastard.

Sal: But he said there were some faceless guys in here!

Vince: Who cares? He's so kawaii--

Sal [Darkly]: DON'T say that again.

The kitsune's tail quickly lift four bowls of ramen, setting them down in front of all of the men. Snatching up chopsticks, they quickly wolf down the ramen, leaving only Vince still eating. Bill, Sal and Jericho leave as Vince looks around, slurping his noodles noisily.

Vince: Dammit!

Kitsune: Pay up.

Vince sighs, slurping down the broth and setting down a handful of hundred yen notes before walking out of the ramen-ya.

Vince [Calling out]: It's safe!

Tim, Johnny, Jericho, Steve and Ivan walk into the ramen-ya: Behind the counter stands a kappa.

Tim: What the hell is this?

Jericho: Tiny, green and slimy: It might just be Will.

Steve [Smirking]: Damn, Will got handsome, then.

Kappa: What would you like?

Jericho: The plainest ramen you've got. No funny stuff like squid or schoolgirls in it.

Kappa: Coming up.

The kappa ducks down behind the counter.

Steve: Didn't the others say it was supposed to faceless?.....Or a fox?

Tim: Well, it's Japanese anyway.

Jericho: Oh, yeah, we can be thankful for that.

The kappa resurfaces, placing down four bowls of ramen. Jericho looks down at the ramen, cocking an eyebrow and taking his bowl in his hands.

Steve: Have you never eaten ramen?

Jericho: I've eaten Pot Noodles--

Steve: .....So you've never eaten ramen?

Jericho [Shrugging]: I guess not, no.

Ivan: Have you even used chopsticks?

Jericho: Nope.

Ivan: Then slurp it down.

Jericho looks down at the bowl before holding it to his lips and tipping it back, wolfing down the broth and ramen with somewhat disturbing ease. The mercenaries, finishing as quickly as they started, quickly slam their bowls down, walking out of the ramen-ya and towards the other mercenaries who now, having realised that the shop is not necessarily a trap, are queuing up.

Tim: Well, at least we're full now!

Lynch: Yeah, well, let's get moving.

Billy: After we've ate.

Lynch [Waving them away]: Go! Eat!

Billy, Frank, Jon and Brick rush into the ramen-ya. Without speaking a single word, Lynch walks forward, through a clearing, and disappears. Sal watches on, cocking an eyebrow.

Sal [Calling over]: Lynch?!....LYNCH?!?!?!

Ivan: Vere has he gone?

Sal [Taken aback]: ....I....don't know...


After an hour of walking, there appears to be no end for the mercenaries walking. Frank, having taken point, leads his men into a small clearing before throwing his right arm up, indicating for them to stop. Frank places his hands on his knees, breathing heavily.

Will [Scoffing]: You unfit bastard! We've only been walking for five minutes since eating!

Frank [Wheezing]: I can't help it! I like to have a nap after eating! And i'm Lynch's designated second in command!

Bill [Stepping forward and besides Frank]: So, we lost Lynch?

Sal [Walking forward]: Yep.

Bill [Scoffing]: How did we lose Lynch?!

A bush to the right of Bill rustles loudly and Lynch stoically walks out of it, clasping a hand on Bill's right shoulder and leaning into his ear.

Lynch: I was scouting.

Lynch walks past them, for some reason wearing a hat made of nine kitsune tails on his head, his hands slicked with blood as he strolls forward and takes point once again. The mercenaries just watch in disbelief as he does.

Billy: ...What the FUCK?

Vince [In disbelief]: Lynch, did you kill a kitsune with your bare hands?

Lynch [Boisterously]: NAVY SEAL, MOTHERFUCKER!

Eligio: He just killed a mythical creature....Do they normally teach that in the SEALs?

Bobby: Well, I wouldn't be surprised. Seems like the kind of things SEALs are trained for, alongside punching deities and teabagging sharks.

The mercenaries follow Lynch, who walks into a clearing and looks around.

Lynch: What now?

Frank: We walk towards civilisation.

Lynch: Alright. Where's civilisation?

Bob: In some...random direction.

Eligio: Let's ask that guy.

Eligio points behind Lynch at a Japanese man, dressed in business clothes, standing atop a fragile branch and tying a noose around his neck. Eligio squeezes past them.

Eligio [Calling out]: Hey, compadre, can you give us directions to--

The businessman leaps off the branch, his neck snapping violently as the rope tightens, hanging him and killing him in almost an instant.

Mustafa [Sighing darkly]: Fuck this country, seriously.

Bob: Well, that's what we get for staying in a country with the highest rate of suicide amongst men in the world. In the middle of a suicide hotspot, I might add.

Sal: Hang on, if this guy is committing suicide, then....we MUST be getting close to some semblance of civilisation!

Steve [Snapping his fingers]: Exactly! They wouldn't hike too far into the forest just to hang themselves! That must mean an official trail is somewhere!

Bobby: Thank you, hanged man!

The body simply sways in the small breeze blowing throughout the forest.

Eligio [Cocking an eyebrow]: Is he saying something?

Bobby: Nah, it's just his corpse in the breeze.

Lynch: Look, if we're getting close to civilisation, let's just keep walking.

Lynch walks forward, past the corpse of the businessman and is followed by the mercenaries, aside from Brick who scuttles up to the body, reaching into the inside pocket of the businessmans suit jacket and pulling out a wallet.

Brick [Grinning]: Jackpot!

Brick turns, looking at Billy who is watching him with a look of disgust on his face.

Billy [Quietly]: Yeh have some issues, lad.

Brick: The dead can't take it with 'em.

Billy [Pointing at Brick]: I've got my eyes on you, lad.

Billy and Brick rush forward, quickly joining the rear of the huddle of mercenaries slowly marching forward through Aokigahara. Walking forward, the mercenaries begin to notice scraps of plastic tape scattering the floor and strapped to some of the trees, a solid indicator that they are approaching a potential trail.

Vince [Pointing out a scrap of tape on a tree to his right]: Hikers use tape to mark their way back. If we keep following the tape, we should make it to a designated trail.

Bob: Which means?

Vince: Freedom.

Heading between two trees, Lynch stops, his feet finding an area cleared of vegetation: Looking left, he notices a long clearing of trees and plants, indicating that they have finally reached an actual trail. Lynch lets out a sigh of relief before turning his head to the right: Three young Japanese women, dressed in red and black silk frilled dresses, are standing up the trail, watching the mercenaries carefully. The middle woman appears to the oldest, with the two standing to her left and right appearing as barely teenagers, their hair tied into pigtails with red ribbons. The woman in the middle has her hair tied back into a high ponytail. All three of them watch, only for Vince to spin around and point at them.

Vince [Pointing, ecstatically]: Oh my God, it's the Japanese kawaii metal group themselves, the singing sensations who have captured the hearts and minds of fans around the globe: Babymetal!

Sal: You can suddenly see why this place is a suicide hotspot.

Lynch: Three young Japanese women in this very dark forest: Will, stop breathing heavily. I'm pretty sure it'd be illegal for at least two of them.

Will [Drooling]: Me look at middle one. Me like.

Lynch [Slapping Will around the back of his head]: Stop that.

Frank [In slow, forced English]: EXCUSE ME. DO YOU. KNOW WAY. TO PATH. OUT OF. FOREST?

Eligio: They're not retarded, Frank.

Babymetal remain silent.

Frank [In slow, forced English, now with exaggerated hand gestures]: CAN YOU. TELL US. FOREIGN MEN. WHICH WAY. OUT. OF. FOREST?

Sal [In slow, forced English, motioning at Frank]: EXCUSE OUR FRIEND. HE'S MENTALLY RETARDED.

Frank [Twisting around, glaring at Sal]: Shut up! They can't understand us!

Lynch [Walking forward and shoving Frank and Sal aside]: Hey, help us!

Babymetal remain silent.

Johan: Maybe they aren't good with English.

Bob: So, what do we do?

Mustafa: Move them aside.

A rustling is heard in the trees above them as the mercenaries and Babymetal look up: In a tree to the left of Babymetal, standing on a branch, are Brick, Bill, Johnny, Steve and That Other Random Guy. Brick, Bill and Johnny are now wearing white t-shirts with the black letters N, E and W painted on them respectively, with That Other Random Guy and Bill wearing white t-shirts with the black letters JA and CK painted on them respectively.

Lynch [Facepalming]: Oh Christ, not this.


Lynch [Bluntly]: I hate this stupid fucking attempt at a fucking new trademark for this stupid fucking company. It's not fucking funny and i'll shoot the next person who "New Jack's". Including the next asshole who announces it.



Each mercenary jumps off of the branch as "Natural Born Killaz" by Ice Cube and Dr. Dre begins playing spontaneously throughout Aokigahara. Each member of Babymetal, in unison, takes a single step backwards, which renders the aerial assault useless as each mercenary plunges and hits the ground with a sickening crash.

Lynch [Underwhelmed]: ......Right, now that they've got that out of their system, does anybody speak Japanese? VINCE!

Vince steps forward.

Vince: I'll do my best.

Vince walks towards them, grinning brightly.

Vince [Opening his arms]: SU-METAL! YOU MUST SPEAK ENGLISH, RIGHT?!

The middle member steps backwards as Vince walks towards her.

Jon [Calling over]: Your neckbeard is scaring her!

Lynch [Angrily]: SPEAK JAPANESE, YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!!

Vince: C'mon, Su-Metal, where do we go?

Su-Metal: North.


Sal [Slapping Frank sharply on the back of his head]: That was English!

Jericho: So, we head North? Where does that lead us?

Su-Metal: Saikonishi.

Ivan: Vat's Saikonishi?

Vince: Small town. Some hotels.

Lynch: Fuck hotels, I want a train, I want to take it to Tokyo too. I want to get out of here! OUT OF THE WAY, TINY KAWAII WOMEN!!

Lynch stomps past Babymetal, heading North up the designated trail.

Vince [Cooing]: LYNCH SAID KAWAII!!


Lynch storms forward up the trail as the mercenaries quickly jog forward.

Melvin: At least we're almost free.

Lynch: I can hear civilisation...


Frank: Well, bye.

Tim: It was a reference to the song "Civilisation" by Danny Kaye and the Andrews Sisters.

Lynch: Frank doesn't know about music. He thinks music has to involve banjos.

Frank [Scoffing]: No, I like guitars and drums! I like classic rock! I don't like warbling!

Lynch: You don't like warbling and yet i've heard you belt out "American Pie" on more than one occasion.

Mustafa: Really?

Frank: Hey, I like Don McClean...

Sal: Remember the day when the music....died?

Frank: Singing my, my--


Jon [Laughing and patting Sal's back]: Man, you sure know how to turn up the heat when it comes to it.

Sal: Damn straight.

Tim: There's nothing wrong with Don McClean...

Jon: You play Peruvian panpipes, so shut up.

Tim [Scoffing]: There's nothing wrong with Peruvian panpipes.

Jon: Aside from the fact that they exist.

Bob: Can we PLEASE stop whining about music?

Frank: Alright, Bob, what should we talk about? Japanese culture?

Bob: YEAH! That'd be nice, considering we're here!

Frank: Alright then: What is your opinion on the Yasukuni Shrine?

That Other Random Guy: Oh, shit, this is getting politically loaded now.

Bob [Shrugging]: Well....I.....That's the shrine where the spirits of the war criminals from World War Two are enshrined, right?

Frank: Yep.

Bob: How can I give an answer that doesn't make me look like a complete bastard?

Frank [Smirking]: You can't!

Bob: I really do hate you, Frank.

Mustafa: Alright then, it seems as if we need another topic to talk about.

Steve: I really like ramen.

Jericho [Not paying attention]: That's really nice, Steve, reverting back to our old self, are we?

Steve [Taken aback]: No, I was thinking that we could talk about food. Japanese food.

Bob: I like................sushi.

Eligio: I really hope you didn't have to hurt your brain thinking about that.

Lynch [Turning around, facing the mercenaries as he walks backwards]: How about you all just fucking shut up and walk in silence?

Dave: That's no fun!

Lynch [Scathingly]: Fuck fun!

Eligio: Uh, Lynch--

Lynch: Seriously, fuck it, just shut the fuck up!

Eligio: LYNCH!!

Lynch spins around, stopping at the edge of a road. In the distance, barely visible, is a triangular, snow-capped mountain beyond forests and several old buildings ahead of them, including what appears to be a very plainly-marked hotel directly ahead of them: They've emerged just outside of Saikonishi.

Lynch: That's it? That was Aokigahara?.......What now?

Vince: Hitch-hike? Steal a car? Run very fast up that mountain?

Sal: Where's Mount Fuji? Is that Mount Fuji?

Vince [Narrowing his eyes]: ....No....probably Mount Settogatake.

Lynch sighs, looking down at his phone and noticing he has a signal. With it, he simply keys in a number into his phone, dialling someone and lifting the headset to his ear.

Lynch: Hello. May I hire seven taxi's from Saikonishi?....Thank you, uh....Arigatou.

Lynch hangs up, slipping the phone into his pocket as the mercenaries watch in stunned silence. Lynch turns around, looking at them.

Lynch: .........What? It IS a satellite phone.

Vince: ....Do you think they'll know where to pick us up from?

Lynch: ...Hopefully.

Eligio [Shaking in anger]: YOU HAD A PHONE ALL THIS TIME?!

Lynch: Yeah. Well, I thought you lot could use the exercise, plus we needed to be out of the--

Eligio screams, charging forward and locking his hands around Lynch's neck as the scene fades to black...


The scene opens, five hours later, in Tokyo. Phil and Tavi are stood on Jingūbashi, otherwise known as the Harajuku Bridge. This wide bridge is famous for being a gathering place for cosplayers, many of whom are gathered in the Sunday morning light. Running above train tracks and linking the Harajuku Station with the Meiji Shrine, the bridge is populated with a throng of tourists and cosplayers, with Tavi standing on the side closest to Harajuku Station, using her mobile phone to take pictures as Phil watches.

Phil: Cosplayers. Why?

Tavi: Because they're so talented!

Phil: But it's stupid.

Tavi [Coldly]: How? How is having the talent to construct a costume almost identical to what a character wears stupid?

Phil: The Vikings had a far better idea: You take an animal, kill the animal, and then you wear its skin and have the power of the animal. Whereas these nerds have the power of some little teenage girl spinning a leek in her hand.

Tavi turns her head, looking at Phil and only now noticing that, for some reason, Phil is wearing a bearskin cape over a black t-shirt, jeans and leather army boots.

Tavi: Phil, what the fuck?

Phil [Looking down at his cape]: What? I thought it'd be cold.

Tavi [Sighing and turning back to her phone]: Let me just take a few pictures, get some snaps of the Rockabilly dancers and we can go and visit the Meiji Shrine--

Phil [In disbelief]: Rockabilly? Don't tell me the Japanese have been brainwashed by that subculture which encourages people to dress like fucking swamp-living inbred goth hicks and whose music sounds like the pained warblings a lobotomised Elvis Presley getting his teeth punched and broken by Muddy Waters while some cunt strums a guitar with his single tooth?

Tavi: There's nothing wrong with rocka--

Phil [Laughing]: Morrissey used to play rockabilly. MORRISSEY. The same cunt who epitomises "Sit on my arse and whine about politicians" and who voted for Nigel Farage shortly before his assassination by the Scottish National Party.

Tavi [Yawning]: Please don't bore me with the last decade of British history--

Phil: Hey, SNP assimilated UKIP and became SKIP. Scottish Kingdom Independence Party. That event is important because it prompted Clegg and Cameron to outlaw all other parties and begin a PMC takeover alongside Praying Mantis with the Liberal Democrat Army and Conservative Army respectively--

Tavi [Growing irritated]: Phil--

Phil [Stepping forward, voice loudening for dramatic effect]: And when the CA and LDA joined forces, my fellow British turned to Ed Miliband for help, but Ed Miliband has an automobile fetish and was too busy shagging a Seat Leon to notice martial law descending on our green and fertile land! And what happened after that? The rebels came, OH, THE BRAVE REBELS! HOW THEY ARMED TO START THE FIGHT AGAINST PARLIAMENT! OH, BONNY SCOTLAND, TURNING ON THE ENGLISH TO JOIN THE FIGHT AS THE IRISH MARCHED ON NORTHERN IRELAND AND UNDERWENT FORCEFUL UNIFICATION! How I wish I was with the rebels....

Tavi [Angrily]: PHIL!

Phil: What?

Tavi: Your country's history is fucking boring.

Phil: Those are recent events.

Tavi: Would you like to learn the history of my country?

Phil: Go on.

Tavi [With a dangerous-sounding false sweetness]: Everything can fucking kill you.

Phil [Turning around and looking at Tavi]: Wait, you're Australian?

Tavi: Aye.

Phil [Clasping his hands to the side of his head]: YOU DON'T HAVE AN ACCENT!!!!!

Tavi: Phil, where do you think I was genetically engineered? Ireland?

Phil: Tavi, I know fuck-all about you.

Tavi: Do you think the Europeans used sugar gliders in their genetic experiments? Nope. That's where I come from. That's the only possible answer.

Tavi sighs.

Phil: So..you don't know for sure?

Tavi [Shrugging listlessly]: It's logic. I don't even know if there's others like me. I just....like to think....I have a past beyond fighting as a mercenary...

Phil: How did you even get into it?

Tavi [Quietly]: ...All I remember is waking up in a bed in a house...with Mother standing next to me....That's....really my only early memory....and that's....like...when I was....sixteen...

Phil [Dumbfounded]: Shite.

Tavi [Smiling weakly]: When we get home...I want to talk...with Mother....see if she knows  anything....hopefully she'll talk.........Now that Courtney's planning to leave........

Phil: I can kneecap the bitch for you.

Tavi [Smirking]: Nah, it's fine. I guess I just know who my true friends are, and they're the ones who stand at your side  through thick and thin, not the ones who run away and cower.

Phil: Eh? Courtney hardly cowers.

Tavi [Shrugging]: I heard her crying for her Mommy some nights while she slept.

Phil: Ouch.........Well, i'll stand at your side--

Tavi [Smirking and walking up to him, placing her thumb on his nose]: Still in the friendzone, Phil.

Phil lunges forward, wrapping his arms around Tavi and lifting her up, hugging her tightly. Tavi laughs loudly, wrapping her arms around him and hugging him.

Phil: Hey, I ain't going to go fucking beta just because i'm in the friendzone!

Tavi [Coughing slightly]: Alright, I get it, you don't have to bearhug me!

Phil lets Tavi down onto her fight as she coughs slightly, laughing and rubbing her chest. Tavi grins, but stops and sniffs the air.

Phil: What's wrong?

Tavi: ....Quite a strong....familiar...smell..

Tavi spins around, looking down the street: Heading towards them is Lynch, flanked by the other mercenaries. It appears that they caught taxis to the nearest train station and took them to Harajuku straight away for a reason unknown to them. Riddled with dirt and grime, still wearing tattered Hawaiian shirts and shorts with bristling beards, the mercenaries march forward, ignoring the throng of people who stop and turn, staring at them. Lynch's cold blue eyes are trained directly at Phil as he marches forward.

Phil: Well, it's Lynch.

Lynch keeps walking towards them.

Tavi: He looks pissed...

Tavi looks over her shoulder at Phil, who is busy trying to rush through a crowd of cosplayers. However, all he seems to be doing is barging against a wall of humanity, unable to penetrate the thick throng of tourists and costumed aficionados.

Phil [Screaming]: BEGONE, PEOPLE, I NEED TO RUN!!

Lynch suddenly breaks into a jog, jogging straight past Tavi and towards Phil. Phil twists around, pointing at Lynch and screaming loudly. Without thinking, Phil quickly rushes towards Lynch, screaming loud obscenities and gibberish as Lynch keeps jogging, a grin on his face that indicates he is not entirely serious, though the sprinting Phil gives him enough cause for concern to the step to the left as he sprints forward, extending his arm and clotheslining Phil roughly, sending him straight down to the concrete. Crowds of people are now watching as Lynch looks down at Phil who gazes up at him.

Lynch [Grinning]: Run from this.

Phil: Fuck.

Lynch raises his foot above Phil's head, and Phil shuts his eyes tightly, but Lynch simply taps his nose with the toe of his boot.

Lynch: Get up, pussy, I barely gave you a love tap.

Phil slowly sits up as Lynch turns to the mercenaries, along with Tavi, who are now looking over at them.

Lynch [Clapping his hands together and rubbing them]: I THINK IT'S TIME FOR A FUCKIN' HOLIDAY!!!!!!!!

A loud cheer goes up from the mercenaries. Seemingly on command, Dick, Al and Dion emerge within the crowd, having apparently just visited the Meiji Shrine. They are chatting amongst themselves until they see Lynch. Upon seeing Lynch, their faces fall, but Lynch turns his head, looking at them and grinning.

Lynch [Grinning]: Now you three...I'm going to hurt.

Al [Gulping]: Well...um...bugger.

Lynch slowly advances towards them...


The scene opens in a small pub within the heart of Tokyo. The mercenaries have fallen ditched their old clothes and washed, trimming their facial hair or shaving it fully. A stop at a clothing shop appears to have happened as they are now wearing evening clothes, with all of them wearing plain white or grey shirts aside from Will, wearing a bright turquoise shirt that appears to be two sizes too small for him. With jeans and smart shoes alongside the shirts, the mercenaries can easily be distinguished from the drunken salarymen filling the pub. The pub that the mercenaries are huddled in is small and quaint, dark and barely lit, with an impressive selection of liquor in the shelves behind the bar. A series of wooden stools with red cushions are at the bar, which several mercenaries, including Lynch and Frank, are sat at. The other mercenaries are interspersed amongst the round wooden circular tables, with Jon, Sal, Billy and Vince sat within a semi-circular booth on the far right-hand wall of the pub.

Lynch has his feet on Dion's back, who is on all-fours in front of Lynch. Al is stood to his left while Dick is stood to his right. The three men appear to be sullen, their fun and their luck having ran out as the barman places a bottle of Sapporo beer in front of Frank, along with a glass tankard.
Dion: Lynch--

Lynch: Footstools don't talk.

Dick: Lynch...

Lynch [Coldly]: And toothpicks definitely don't talk.

Al: C'mon, Lynch--

Lynch: Shut up, toilet paper.

Al shudders as Frank pours some Sapporo beer into Lynch's glass. Lynch turns his head, looking at Frank.

Lynch: You're not in my bad books, why are you pouring?

Frank: It's tradition. You pour your companion his drink, who pours you a drink, and then you raise your glasses and give cheers.

Lynch: What happened to the tradition of breaking the first bottle by smashing it over someone's head?

Frank: That's a very localised tradition to two small streets in the Sinai Desert.

Lynch: Good point.

Lynch grabs Frank's bottle of Sapporo, pouring his glass out before slamming it down on the bar and grabbing his own glass, looking down the bar before looking over his right shoulder at the rest of the mercenaries.

Lynch [Raising his glass]: Well, here's to Japan, lads. Never again.

Johnny: Screw that, i'm coming back next year!

Jericho: Yeah, this was fun!

Steve: You have a very odd definition of 'fun'.

Frank raises his glass.


Frank downs his beer in a few gulps as Lynch lets loose a thankful sigh, shaking his head.

Dean [Looking across the bar]: By the way, guys.

Sal: [Looking over]: Yeah?

Dean: ........Whatever happened to the Kuchisake-Onna, anyway?

Steve: What do you mean?

Dean: Well, Sam said we only really knew how to distract it.

Frank [In disbelief]: You mean it didn't die in the explosion?!

Karab: No.....

The mercenaries suddenly fall silent.

Phil: Aw, piss.

The doors to the bar thrust open as the Kuchisake-Onna stands there, a grin spreading across her bloody maw as she snips her scissors threateningly, walking through the doorway as the scene fades to black.

The scene opens again as the Kuchisake-Onna is dragged backwards away from the door. Lynch gets to his feet as triumphant trumpets play, watching as the trio of Dean, Karab and Samuel drag her to the floor, kicking her violently.

Lynch [Ecstatically]: YOU THREE SURVIVED!!!!!!!

Dean [Turning around, grinning and giving two thumbs up]: Don't count out the Chevrolet boys and the Singh boy.

Karab unsheathes his kirpan, leaning down and stabbing the Kuchisake-Onna with a disturbing fervour as Dean walks into the pub.

Dean [grinning and giving a double thumbs up, impersonate 'The Fonz']: AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

"Happy Days" begins to play as the scene fades to black.

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