Sunday, 30 November 2014

Another (Mercenary Bites The Dust) - Part III

The scene opens up in an unknown location within Aokigahara. The stench of smoke still fills the air from the burning hotel, but the mercenaries are deep within the forest, sitting in a circle around a hastily-constructed campfire in a small clearing. Maurice is sitting, cross-legged, with a pile of hacked logs in front of him, staring into the fire as the other mercenaries sit and lay around, seemingly consigned to their fate. Notably, every mercenary is now sporting a thick, bushy and wiry beard, with the notable exception of Will who still has a trimmed moustache.

Lynch [Quietly, staring into the fire]: Waaaaarrrrrr.....

Frank [Looking at Lynch]: Did you say something?

Lynch [Clearing his throat]: Nah, i'm just thirsty.

Vince: We could go to Lake Saiko and drink.

That Other Random Guy [Muttering]: Drink corpse cast-off? I think not........Besides which, we're lost...

Melvin [Mumbling]: So lost..

Mustafa [Scratching his beard]: Hungry, too.

Frank: We should probably move, Lynch, or else we'll die.

Bob: Very slowly of thirst and starvation.

Steve [Quietly, staring into the fire and twirling the end of his beard]: We might go insane and start fighting amongst eachother, then one person would be killed, possibly by accident. Then that person will be cannibalised mercilessly by the group for survival.

The mercenaries slowly look at Steve, whose eyes are unflinching.

Ivan: You veally do have problems, friend.

Steve [Quietly]: We all have a problem: Starvation slowly settling in.

Will [Raising his arm]: Uh, well, I nominate Frank.

Everybody looks over at Frank, whose eyes widen slightly.

Frank: WHY ME?!

Will: You've been marinating yourself for years.

A mumbling of agreement rises up from the mercenaries. Frank scoffs, moving his mouth but unable to say anything, probably due to the fact that he knows Will's right.

Moe: I bet it's tender and tastes like a steak and ale stew.

Frank [Nervously]: Uh, guys, we shouldn't--

Bill [Slowly getting to his feet]: KILL THE PIG. CUT HIS THROAT. SPILL HIS BLOOD.

The mercenaries slowly look at Bill, who has a crazed look in his eyes as he glares over at Frank. Lynch snaps his fingers and Bill shakes his head, looking around the campsite.

Bill [Sheepishly]: Sorry, i'm just hungry.

Bill slowly sits down. A rustling is heard behind Lynch. The mercenaries look up and Lynch gets to his feet, twisting around and watching as Sal, with a thick black beard, a torn and dirtied Hawaiian shirt and cargo shorts, walks towards them, barefooted as he gazes around. As soon as he sees Lynch, a grin creeps across his face.


Lynch: Sal, you look like a hobo.

Sal [Bluntly]: So do you.

Lynch looks down at his own dirty Hawaiian shirt and beard.

Lynch: Oh.

Maurice: Please tell me you brought food!

Sal: What? I followed the smell of burning wood. You mean you don't have any tasty barbecue?!

Lynch: No..

Sal falls to his knees, screaming desperately to the heavens.

Maurice: Bloody hell...Calm down, lad, we all fail that pain.

Sal [Sobbing]: WE'RE STUCK IN ABSOLUTE HELL!!!!!!!

The undergrowth rustles behind Sal and Tim, with a thick, blonde beard to match his hair, slowly strolls through, gazing around.

Tim [Quietly]: We're free?


Lynch twists around, slapping Sal sharply around the face.

Lynch [Angrily]: CALM DOWN!!!!!!!

Tim slowly walks over to Johnny, who gets to his feet.

Johnny [Quietly]: Thought you died..

Tim [Quietly]: Rumours of my demise have been greatly exaggerated..

Johnny [Raising an eyebrow, bluntly]: What?

Tim [Shaking his head]: Sorry, I just always wanted to say that.

Johnny and Tim hug eachother tightly, sharing a gentle kiss as the mercenaries let loose a resounding 'Awwwww', punctuated by Sal's yelps as Lynch violently slaps him.

Lynch [Angrily]: CALM! CALM! CALM! CALM! CALM!

Sal [Now curled in the foetal position]: I AM! THIS IS JUST ASSAULT, LYNCH!!

Lynch [Kicking Sal angrily]: WELL! I! AM! A! VERY! ANGRY! MAN!

Lynch stops kicking Sal, who breathes heavily as he lays on the ground. Lynch swings a few further kicks into Sal's torso.

Lynch [Kicking Sal angrily]: THIS! IS! VERY! FUCKING! THERAPEUTIC!

Sal whimpers in pain as Lynch breathes out heavily. Tim and Johnny sit down as Lynch turns back to the group, sitting down himself as Sal wheezes, curled in the foetal position.

Tim: So, what do we do now?

Lynch: We sit and wait for sunrise.

Bob: Seriously? What if something sneaks up on us? Something foul? SOMETHING SINISTER?!

Robbie [Bluntly]: Stop being overtly dramatic.

Bill [Interjecting suddenly]: Guys, I heard about this awesome story called The Cows Head--

Vince: Don't.

Bill: But--

Vince [Ominously]: IF YOU HEAR IT, YOU GO INSANE.

A crack of lightning flashes, punctuated by rumbling thunder as the mercenaries look around the campsite.

Bill: But it's a story.

Lynch: Bill, can we just not do this? We've walloped our balls into the face of fate so much that I think we might be marrying her.

Maurice: I dunno, lads, this holiday's been shite.

Will: No hot Japanese babes..

Lynch: No fishing.

Tim: No visits to parks..

Johan: No visiting Akihabara.

Jericho: And now we're stuck. Out here. Hunted by insane and demonic Japanese monsters and spirits.

Lynch [Sighing darkly]: Fuck this.


Mercenaries [In unison, angrily]: Don't fucking say it.

Brick: Any worse?

The mercenaries glare at Brick. Past Lynch, a dog with a human-style face trots through the circle of mercenaries.

Dog [In a perfectly clear voice, sounding suspiciously American]: Hey guys.

The dog just trots out of the circle before bolting off at blistering speed. The mercenaries exchange uneasy looks.

Lynch: Alright, what the fuck was that? Dweeb?

Vince: Jinmenken. Human-faced dog. They're said to be scientific experiments or the spirits of deceased who died in car crashes--

Mustafa: How do you know this shit?

Vince: Research, my dear Mustafa.

Bob: Well then, we clearly aren't safe just sitting here.

Bill: We should consider walking. We're missing Phil, Tavi, Dion, Dick, Al, Dean, Samuel and Karab. That's eight people, Lynch! Mother won't like it!

Lynch slowly gets to his feet, clapping his hands twice.

Lynch [Quietly]: Alright, alright...Let's get moving........Let's just....Let's just get out of the forest....Let's breach the perimeter......Find some form of civilization....Get help....

The mercenaries groan, slowly getting to their feet..


Elsewhere within the confines of Aokigahara, Dean, Samuel and Karab are trekking south. They appear to be completely unconcerned with their dark surroundings, instead trekking through brush and undergrowth on a mission to finally escape their confines.

Samuel: Dean, I don't feel comfortable.

Dean [Quietly]: It's only the death and despair, we'll be fine.

Samuel: Are you sure about that?

Dean: Nope. We're probably being hunted by something that is violently psychotic.

Karab: You really do have a way with words, Dean.

Dean [Scowling]: Fuck off, Karab, you have the kukri, you should be in front, saving our asses!

Karab [Rolling his eyes]: Typical, the Nepali saving the white mans asses.

Dean [Clapping his hands]: Exactly, so chop chop! You served the British well enough!

Karab [Muttering]: Shut the fuck up and let me take point, them.

Karab walks in front of Dean and Samuel, unsheathing his kukri from his belt and slicing through a thicket, walking forward and followed by both of them.

Dean [Whining]: Does this forest ever end?!

Samuel [Sighing]: Dean, shut up.

Dean: Why? IT'S ENDLESS!!!....Shit, maybe it's a magical forest!

Samuel: What? Do you think a unicorn is going to appear?

Karab stops suddenly, as do Dean and Samuel.

Dean [Eyes widening, looking over Karab's left shoulder]: Shit, unicorn?

Karab [Looking down]: ....No...

Dean walks beside Karab and looks down: Staring up at them is a green, scaly reptilian form, with a flat skull filled with water, the water surrounded by flicks of stringy black hair and bulbous golden eyes, along with webbed hands and feet, staring up at Karab.

Kappa [In perfect English]: Hello.

Dean [Cocking an eyebrow]: What the fuck are you?

Samuel [Standing beside Karab]: It's a Kappa.

Dean: A what?

Samuel: A trickster in Japanese lore. Does everything from passing gas loudly to raping women.

Dean [Pointing at the Kappa]: This little shit?

Samuel: He may also try to drown you.

Dean [Still pointing at the Kappa]: Again: This little shit? What could this thing do?

The Kappa lunges forward, tackling Dean by his legs. Dean hits the floor, screaming as the Kappa seizes his left foot and begins dragging him backwards. Dean rolls onto his stomach, clawing at the floor.

Karab [Watching, underwhelmed]: Maybe i'll just watch him and see what he does.

Dean [Screaming]: IS HE GOING TO DROWN ME OR RAPE ME?!?!?

Samuel [Smirking]: We'll have to wait and see! But he really only rapes women.

Dean [Screaming]: HELP ME!!

Samuel: Tip him over! The water in his head is the source of his power!


Samuel sighs, walking over and pressing the sole of his foot against the side of the Kappa, pushing it over: Water flows out of its skull as it lays there, limp, leaving Dean lying there, looking up.

Dean: Oh.

Dean clears his throat, quickly brushing himself off and turning to the fallen Kappa, swinging his right leg back before delivering a thunderous kick to the creature which sends it flying through the undergrowth and into the distance.

Karab [Sighing and walking forward]: Can we just go before something else weird stops us?

Samuel [Turning around]: Too late..

Dean looks up and Karab turns around: Behind them stands the Kuchisake-Onna, grinning brightly and snipping her scissors. The explosion of her hotel has done nothing to stop or wound her, aside from her fresh face being riddled with ash and her left eyebrow having been scorched off.

Kuchisake-Onna: HELLO!!!!!

Karab: How do we defeat a Kuchisake? HOW?!

Samuel [Gulping]: Uh, there's only really ways as to how we distract it, and not defeat it.

Dean [Stepping forward, arms spread]: WELL, FUCKING KILL ME AND GET IT OVER AND DONE WITH!!!!

Kuchisake-Onna [Grinning]: Okay.

Dean [Crestfallen]: Hang on, don't we go through that whole 'watacho, keyree' shit?

Samuel [Clearing his throat]: Watashi, kirei.

Dean [Angrily]: SHUT UP!!! I KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING!!!

Kuchisake-Onna: Am I pretty?

Dean [Grinning]: Oh yes.

The Kuchisake-Onna grins brightly, snipping her scissors threateningly.

Karab [Sighing]: Oh, Dean...

Dean [Crestfallen]: WAIT, SHIT!!

The Kuchisake-Onna swoops forward. Samuel quickly reaches into his pocket, pulling out a boiled sweet and throwing it over the Kuchisake-Onna's head. She spins around, gliding towards the seat as all three of them sprint away from her.



Karab: THAT IS SICK!!!!



Without warning, the three of them burst through a clearing, skidding to a halt at the side of the road. Dean rushes out into the middle of the road, waving his arms as a pick-up truck lazily trundles forward.

Dean [Screaming]: STOP, SENSEI!

The pick-up truck slowly comes to a halt, revealing a confused looking old Japanese man behind the wheel. Samuel rushes over to the drivers window as the driver unrolls it, and both begin speaking in fluent Japanese.

Karab: Woah, that's some good speaking, Sam!

Dean [Mumbling]: I waved down the goddamn vehicle.

Samuel [Turning to Karab]: Get in the back, he's going to take us to Tokyo.

Karab: Wow, what are the chances of us finding a guy who is heading to Tokyo in the early hours of the morning? As well as you knowing Japanese?

Samuel: Shut up and hop in.

Dean, Samuel and Karab quickly rush around the back of the pick-up truck, hopping it into the back of the empty flatbed as the driver begins to drive forward..


Back with Lynch's group, they are heading south as well, their feet marching but their efforts seemingly futile as they simply march through the forest that continuously unfolds in front of them. Madness is slowly beginning to claim their already addled brains and tiredness is playing tricks on their minds, as is evident when Lynch stops the group as a kitsune, a silver fox with several tails, dashes in front of them and into the distance.

Lynch: Random kitsune there.

Sal [Quietly]: Amazing how this shit can happen to us.

Lynch stops, the ground shaking violently. They look to the right, watching as a figure, at least ten feet tall and a vibrant red colour with shaggy black hair, horns and a tiger-skin loincloth, stomps past, carrying a huge kanobo, a wooden club with metal studs. This demonic creature, known as an oni, simply stomps past, not paying attention to them.

Tim: What next, Bigfoot?

Eligio: Bigfoot's American, compadre, he wouldn't be seen here. Unless I just tempted fate.

Lynch [Sighing]: Screw fate, keep moving forward.

Lynch leads the mercenaries forward, marching through undergrowth, brushing away leaves and kicking aside the occasional dessicated corpse with a noose around its neck to facilitate a simple march forward. From out of their silent surroundings, panpipes begin to play, providing a mystical backdrop to their march. Lynch stops suddenly, as do the mercenaries, looking around: Tim suddenly has a pair of wooden panpipes, playing them as they march. He stops as soon as eyes fall upon him.

Tim: ....What?

Mustafa: Panpipes? Really?

Bob [Sighing]: C'mon, Tim, we don't need that shit playing while we're trying to escape this little slice of hell: You don't see me making whale noises or somebody playing an Enya CD, do you?

Tim: Hey, there's nothing wrong with being a musician.

Bill: So, did you make it big?

Tim: What?

Bill [Shrugging]: Well, y'know, if you're a musician, you've probably tried to make it big, right? Make money from the hobby?

Tim: ....Well, I played a few gigs at local pubs, and our band was almost in the top one hundred for Peruvian pipe bands on iTunes!

Bill: Well, at least you became a mercenary.

Tim: Why?

Bill: Because if you dedicated your life solely to being a musician, you probably wouldn't have gotten out of the pubs and clubs and would have no transferrable skills. What is it? About...I don't know..let's guess and say five percent of bands actually make it out of the garage? But, hey, you're here now, at least you're not a complete failure at life like...a taxi driver or a waiter or a guy who drives mail trucks.

Tim: I don't know whether to feel insulted or complimented. That music was my life, Bill. I really did think I was going to make it big.

Lynch [Muttering]: Panpipes aren't music, sunshine.


Lynch [Mumbling quietly]: This shit can't get any weirder..

Lynch twists around and shoves aside a thicket of undergrowth, revealing a small clearing. Ensconced within this clearing is a ramen-ya restaurant: A large building with clearly visible wooden stools and a serving counter, obscured only by fluttering, large pieces of cloth marked with black Japanese calligraphy. These pieces of cloth obscure the top half of the building and, as such, the chef and other staff who may be inside of it. Topped with a dark ruby red roof and decorated with a strip of red lights across the front of the roof, it's a wonder how it hasn't been spotted, though there is a general sense of it being paranormal in origin.

Lynch: Hey, a Soba vendor in the middle of nowhere. Great.

Vince: So hungry...

Jericho: No, seriously, that is such a clear trap.

Lynch: I'm going in.

Johnny: Seriously?!

Lynch [Cricking his neck from side to side]: I don't give a shit. I'm a Navy SEAL: THE ONLY EASY DAY WAS--

Jericho: Yeah, yeah, 'yesterday', we've heard it all before.

Lynch scowls at Jericho, marching forward and flicking the cloth upwards, walking into the ramen-ya. Two servers, clad in white with red aprons and white hats, stand there and watch as Lynch takes a seat on a stool. He looks down, glancing at a laminated menu situated on the counter and jabs his finger down on an item that he cannot understand but seems to be the only one he knows.

Lynch [Tiredly]: Yeah, the Kitsune-udon, please.

Lynch sighs, looking up: The vendor's faces are now blank, showing their true forms as noppera-bō's: Demons who appear human but with unusually smooth faces, appearing completely featureless.

First Soba Vendor Noppera-Bō [Raising arms menacingly]: BEHOLD MY DISTURBING VISAGE, AMERICAN DOG!

Lynch: Excuse me, but I ordered the kitsune-udon.

The noppera-bō stop, turning to eachother and looking at eachother (if they had faces to look at eachother with) before turning to Lynch and raising their arms.

Soba Vendor Noppera-Bō: WE HAVE NO FACES! FEAR--

Lynch slams his fists down, pointing up at the first vendor.

Lynch [Impatiently]: You won't have a fucking head if you don't fetch me my fucking udon!

Soba Vendor Noppera-Bō: ........Understood.

Lynch [Angrily]: DON'T FUCK WITH A SEAL!!

In a seeming instant, a bowl of ramen with a light-coloured broth, several scattered spring greens and a pouch of fried tofu on top of it is laid in front of Lynch, two chopsticks placed beside it.

Lynch: That's better.

Lynch grabs the chopsticks, effortlessly slurping up the noodles, not taking his eyes away from the noppera-bō. In under a minute, Lynch polishes off the meal, downs the broth and slams a hundred-yen note down on the table.

Lynch: Keep the change.

Lynch twists around, sliding the door open and walking outside, wiping his mouth with the back of his right hand.

Jericho: So, is it a trap?

Lynch: There's some faceless assholes in there.

Vince: Noppera-bō.

Lynch: Gesundheit. Anyway, yeah, just eat and try not to look at their faces. Well, heads.

Vince, Jericho, Bill and Sal rush forward, squeezing through and into the ramen-ya. A kitsune, paws on the counter, now stands before them, silver tails rolling behind it.

Bill: Hang on, he said--

Kitsune: May I help you?

Vince: Yeah, give me some noodles. I don't care what it is, as long as you don't shit in the bowl. Feed me, you crazy fox bastard!

Sal: Same here.

Jericho: Me too.

Bill: But--Fuck it, me too.

Kitsune: Coming up.

The kitsune ducks behind the counter.

Jericho: Crazy fox bastard.

Sal: But he said there were some faceless guys in here!

Vince: Who cares? He's so kawaii--

Sal [Darkly]: DON'T say that again.

The kitsune's tail quickly lift four bowls of ramen, setting them down in front of all of the men. Snatching up chopsticks, they quickly wolf down the ramen, leaving only Vince still eating. Bill, Sal and Jericho leave as Vince looks around, slurping his noodles noisily.

Vince: Dammit!

Kitsune: Pay up.

Vince sighs, slurping down the broth and setting down a handful of hundred yen notes before walking out of the ramen-ya.

Vince [Calling out]: It's safe!

Tim, Johnny, Jericho, Steve and Ivan walk into the ramen-ya: Behind the counter stands a kappa.

Tim: What the hell is this?

Jericho: Tiny, green and slimy: It might just be Will.

Steve [Smirking]: Damn, Will got handsome, then.

Kappa: What would you like?

Jericho: The plainest ramen you've got. No funny stuff like squid or schoolgirls in it.

Kappa: Coming up.

The kappa ducks down behind the counter.

Steve: Didn't the others say it was supposed to faceless?.....Or a fox?

Tim: Well, it's Japanese anyway.

Jericho: Oh, yeah, we can be thankful for that.

The kappa resurfaces, placing down four bowls of ramen. Jericho looks down at the ramen, cocking an eyebrow and taking his bowl in his hands.

Steve: Have you never eaten ramen?

Jericho: I've eaten Pot Noodles--

Steve: .....So you've never eaten ramen?

Jericho [Shrugging]: I guess not, no.

Ivan: Have you even used chopsticks?

Jericho: Nope.

Ivan: Then slurp it down.

Jericho looks down at the bowl before holding it to his lips and tipping it back, wolfing down the broth and ramen with somewhat disturbing ease. The mercenaries, finishing as quickly as they started, quickly slam their bowls down, walking out of the ramen-ya and towards the other mercenaries who now, having realised that the shop is not necessarily a trap, are queuing up.

Tim: Well, at least we're full now!

Lynch: Yeah, well, let's get moving.

Billy: After we've ate.

Lynch [Waving them away]: Go! Eat!

Billy, Frank, Jon and Brick rush into the ramen-ya. Without speaking a single word, Lynch walks forward, through a clearing, and disappears. Sal watches on, cocking an eyebrow.

Sal [Calling over]: Lynch?!....LYNCH?!?!?!

Ivan: Vere has he gone?

Sal [Taken aback]: ....I....don't know...


After an hour of walking, there appears to be no end for the mercenaries walking. Frank, having taken point, leads his men into a small clearing before throwing his right arm up, indicating for them to stop. Frank places his hands on his knees, breathing heavily.

Will [Scoffing]: You unfit bastard! We've only been walking for five minutes since eating!

Frank [Wheezing]: I can't help it! I like to have a nap after eating! And i'm Lynch's designated second in command!

Bill [Stepping forward and besides Frank]: So, we lost Lynch?

Sal [Walking forward]: Yep.

Bill [Scoffing]: How did we lose Lynch?!

A bush to the right of Bill rustles loudly and Lynch stoically walks out of it, clasping a hand on Bill's right shoulder and leaning into his ear.

Lynch: I was scouting.

Lynch walks past them, for some reason wearing a hat made of nine kitsune tails on his head, his hands slicked with blood as he strolls forward and takes point once again. The mercenaries just watch in disbelief as he does.

Billy: ...What the FUCK?

Vince [In disbelief]: Lynch, did you kill a kitsune with your bare hands?

Lynch [Boisterously]: NAVY SEAL, MOTHERFUCKER!

Eligio: He just killed a mythical creature....Do they normally teach that in the SEALs?

Bobby: Well, I wouldn't be surprised. Seems like the kind of things SEALs are trained for, alongside punching deities and teabagging sharks.

The mercenaries follow Lynch, who walks into a clearing and looks around.

Lynch: What now?

Frank: We walk towards civilisation.

Lynch: Alright. Where's civilisation?

Bob: In some...random direction.

Eligio: Let's ask that guy.

Eligio points behind Lynch at a Japanese man, dressed in business clothes, standing atop a fragile branch and tying a noose around his neck. Eligio squeezes past them.

Eligio [Calling out]: Hey, compadre, can you give us directions to--

The businessman leaps off the branch, his neck snapping violently as the rope tightens, hanging him and killing him in almost an instant.

Mustafa [Sighing darkly]: Fuck this country, seriously.

Bob: Well, that's what we get for staying in a country with the highest rate of suicide amongst men in the world. In the middle of a suicide hotspot, I might add.

Sal: Hang on, if this guy is committing suicide, then....we MUST be getting close to some semblance of civilisation!

Steve [Snapping his fingers]: Exactly! They wouldn't hike too far into the forest just to hang themselves! That must mean an official trail is somewhere!

Bobby: Thank you, hanged man!

The body simply sways in the small breeze blowing throughout the forest.

Eligio [Cocking an eyebrow]: Is he saying something?

Bobby: Nah, it's just his corpse in the breeze.

Lynch: Look, if we're getting close to civilisation, let's just keep walking.

Lynch walks forward, past the corpse of the businessman and is followed by the mercenaries, aside from Brick who scuttles up to the body, reaching into the inside pocket of the businessmans suit jacket and pulling out a wallet.

Brick [Grinning]: Jackpot!

Brick turns, looking at Billy who is watching him with a look of disgust on his face.

Billy [Quietly]: Yeh have some issues, lad.

Brick: The dead can't take it with 'em.

Billy [Pointing at Brick]: I've got my eyes on you, lad.

Billy and Brick rush forward, quickly joining the rear of the huddle of mercenaries slowly marching forward through Aokigahara. Walking forward, the mercenaries begin to notice scraps of plastic tape scattering the floor and strapped to some of the trees, a solid indicator that they are approaching a potential trail.

Vince [Pointing out a scrap of tape on a tree to his right]: Hikers use tape to mark their way back. If we keep following the tape, we should make it to a designated trail.

Bob: Which means?

Vince: Freedom.

Heading between two trees, Lynch stops, his feet finding an area cleared of vegetation: Looking left, he notices a long clearing of trees and plants, indicating that they have finally reached an actual trail. Lynch lets out a sigh of relief before turning his head to the right: Three young Japanese women, dressed in red and black silk frilled dresses, are standing up the trail, watching the mercenaries carefully. The middle woman appears to the oldest, with the two standing to her left and right appearing as barely teenagers, their hair tied into pigtails with red ribbons. The woman in the middle has her hair tied back into a high ponytail. All three of them watch, only for Vince to spin around and point at them.

Vince [Pointing, ecstatically]: Oh my God, it's the Japanese kawaii metal group themselves, the singing sensations who have captured the hearts and minds of fans around the globe: Babymetal!

Sal: You can suddenly see why this place is a suicide hotspot.

Lynch: Three young Japanese women in this very dark forest: Will, stop breathing heavily. I'm pretty sure it'd be illegal for at least two of them.

Will [Drooling]: Me look at middle one. Me like.

Lynch [Slapping Will around the back of his head]: Stop that.

Frank [In slow, forced English]: EXCUSE ME. DO YOU. KNOW WAY. TO PATH. OUT OF. FOREST?

Eligio: They're not retarded, Frank.

Babymetal remain silent.

Frank [In slow, forced English, now with exaggerated hand gestures]: CAN YOU. TELL US. FOREIGN MEN. WHICH WAY. OUT. OF. FOREST?

Sal [In slow, forced English, motioning at Frank]: EXCUSE OUR FRIEND. HE'S MENTALLY RETARDED.

Frank [Twisting around, glaring at Sal]: Shut up! They can't understand us!

Lynch [Walking forward and shoving Frank and Sal aside]: Hey, help us!

Babymetal remain silent.

Johan: Maybe they aren't good with English.

Bob: So, what do we do?

Mustafa: Move them aside.

A rustling is heard in the trees above them as the mercenaries and Babymetal look up: In a tree to the left of Babymetal, standing on a branch, are Brick, Bill, Johnny, Steve and That Other Random Guy. Brick, Bill and Johnny are now wearing white t-shirts with the black letters N, E and W painted on them respectively, with That Other Random Guy and Bill wearing white t-shirts with the black letters JA and CK painted on them respectively.

Lynch [Facepalming]: Oh Christ, not this.


Lynch [Bluntly]: I hate this stupid fucking attempt at a fucking new trademark for this stupid fucking company. It's not fucking funny and i'll shoot the next person who "New Jack's". Including the next asshole who announces it.



Each mercenary jumps off of the branch as "Natural Born Killaz" by Ice Cube and Dr. Dre begins playing spontaneously throughout Aokigahara. Each member of Babymetal, in unison, takes a single step backwards, which renders the aerial assault useless as each mercenary plunges and hits the ground with a sickening crash.

Lynch [Underwhelmed]: ......Right, now that they've got that out of their system, does anybody speak Japanese? VINCE!

Vince steps forward.

Vince: I'll do my best.

Vince walks towards them, grinning brightly.

Vince [Opening his arms]: SU-METAL! YOU MUST SPEAK ENGLISH, RIGHT?!

The middle member steps backwards as Vince walks towards her.

Jon [Calling over]: Your neckbeard is scaring her!

Lynch [Angrily]: SPEAK JAPANESE, YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!!

Vince: C'mon, Su-Metal, where do we go?

Su-Metal: North.


Sal [Slapping Frank sharply on the back of his head]: That was English!

Jericho: So, we head North? Where does that lead us?

Su-Metal: Saikonishi.

Ivan: Vat's Saikonishi?

Vince: Small town. Some hotels.

Lynch: Fuck hotels, I want a train, I want to take it to Tokyo too. I want to get out of here! OUT OF THE WAY, TINY KAWAII WOMEN!!

Lynch stomps past Babymetal, heading North up the designated trail.

Vince [Cooing]: LYNCH SAID KAWAII!!


Lynch storms forward up the trail as the mercenaries quickly jog forward.

Melvin: At least we're almost free.

Lynch: I can hear civilisation...


Frank: Well, bye.

Tim: It was a reference to the song "Civilisation" by Danny Kaye and the Andrews Sisters.

Lynch: Frank doesn't know about music. He thinks music has to involve banjos.

Frank [Scoffing]: No, I like guitars and drums! I like classic rock! I don't like warbling!

Lynch: You don't like warbling and yet i've heard you belt out "American Pie" on more than one occasion.

Mustafa: Really?

Frank: Hey, I like Don McClean...

Sal: Remember the day when the music....died?

Frank: Singing my, my--


Jon [Laughing and patting Sal's back]: Man, you sure know how to turn up the heat when it comes to it.

Sal: Damn straight.

Tim: There's nothing wrong with Don McClean...

Jon: You play Peruvian panpipes, so shut up.

Tim [Scoffing]: There's nothing wrong with Peruvian panpipes.

Jon: Aside from the fact that they exist.

Bob: Can we PLEASE stop whining about music?

Frank: Alright, Bob, what should we talk about? Japanese culture?

Bob: YEAH! That'd be nice, considering we're here!

Frank: Alright then: What is your opinion on the Yasukuni Shrine?

That Other Random Guy: Oh, shit, this is getting politically loaded now.

Bob [Shrugging]: Well....I.....That's the shrine where the spirits of the war criminals from World War Two are enshrined, right?

Frank: Yep.

Bob: How can I give an answer that doesn't make me look like a complete bastard?

Frank [Smirking]: You can't!

Bob: I really do hate you, Frank.

Mustafa: Alright then, it seems as if we need another topic to talk about.

Steve: I really like ramen.

Jericho [Not paying attention]: That's really nice, Steve, reverting back to our old self, are we?

Steve [Taken aback]: No, I was thinking that we could talk about food. Japanese food.

Bob: I like................sushi.

Eligio: I really hope you didn't have to hurt your brain thinking about that.

Lynch [Turning around, facing the mercenaries as he walks backwards]: How about you all just fucking shut up and walk in silence?

Dave: That's no fun!

Lynch [Scathingly]: Fuck fun!

Eligio: Uh, Lynch--

Lynch: Seriously, fuck it, just shut the fuck up!

Eligio: LYNCH!!

Lynch spins around, stopping at the edge of a road. In the distance, barely visible, is a triangular, snow-capped mountain beyond forests and several old buildings ahead of them, including what appears to be a very plainly-marked hotel directly ahead of them: They've emerged just outside of Saikonishi.

Lynch: That's it? That was Aokigahara?.......What now?

Vince: Hitch-hike? Steal a car? Run very fast up that mountain?

Sal: Where's Mount Fuji? Is that Mount Fuji?

Vince [Narrowing his eyes]: ....No....probably Mount Settogatake.

Lynch sighs, looking down at his phone and noticing he has a signal. With it, he simply keys in a number into his phone, dialling someone and lifting the headset to his ear.

Lynch: Hello. May I hire seven taxi's from Saikonishi?....Thank you, uh....Arigatou.

Lynch hangs up, slipping the phone into his pocket as the mercenaries watch in stunned silence. Lynch turns around, looking at them.

Lynch: .........What? It IS a satellite phone.

Vince: ....Do you think they'll know where to pick us up from?

Lynch: ...Hopefully.

Eligio [Shaking in anger]: YOU HAD A PHONE ALL THIS TIME?!

Lynch: Yeah. Well, I thought you lot could use the exercise, plus we needed to be out of the--

Eligio screams, charging forward and locking his hands around Lynch's neck as the scene fades to black...


The scene opens, five hours later, in Tokyo. Phil and Tavi are stood on Jingūbashi, otherwise known as the Harajuku Bridge. This wide bridge is famous for being a gathering place for cosplayers, many of whom are gathered in the Sunday morning light. Running above train tracks and linking the Harajuku Station with the Meiji Shrine, the bridge is populated with a throng of tourists and cosplayers, with Tavi standing on the side closest to Harajuku Station, using her mobile phone to take pictures as Phil watches.

Phil: Cosplayers. Why?

Tavi: Because they're so talented!

Phil: But it's stupid.

Tavi [Coldly]: How? How is having the talent to construct a costume almost identical to what a character wears stupid?

Phil: The Vikings had a far better idea: You take an animal, kill the animal, and then you wear its skin and have the power of the animal. Whereas these nerds have the power of some little teenage girl spinning a leek in her hand.

Tavi turns her head, looking at Phil and only now noticing that, for some reason, Phil is wearing a bearskin cape over a black t-shirt, jeans and leather army boots.

Tavi: Phil, what the fuck?

Phil [Looking down at his cape]: What? I thought it'd be cold.

Tavi [Sighing and turning back to her phone]: Let me just take a few pictures, get some snaps of the Rockabilly dancers and we can go and visit the Meiji Shrine--

Phil [In disbelief]: Rockabilly? Don't tell me the Japanese have been brainwashed by that subculture which encourages people to dress like fucking swamp-living inbred goth hicks and whose music sounds like the pained warblings a lobotomised Elvis Presley getting his teeth punched and broken by Muddy Waters while some cunt strums a guitar with his single tooth?

Tavi: There's nothing wrong with rocka--

Phil [Laughing]: Morrissey used to play rockabilly. MORRISSEY. The same cunt who epitomises "Sit on my arse and whine about politicians" and who voted for Nigel Farage shortly before his assassination by the Scottish National Party.

Tavi [Yawning]: Please don't bore me with the last decade of British history--

Phil: Hey, SNP assimilated UKIP and became SKIP. Scottish Kingdom Independence Party. That event is important because it prompted Clegg and Cameron to outlaw all other parties and begin a PMC takeover alongside Praying Mantis with the Liberal Democrat Army and Conservative Army respectively--

Tavi [Growing irritated]: Phil--

Phil [Stepping forward, voice loudening for dramatic effect]: And when the CA and LDA joined forces, my fellow British turned to Ed Miliband for help, but Ed Miliband has an automobile fetish and was too busy shagging a Seat Leon to notice martial law descending on our green and fertile land! And what happened after that? The rebels came, OH, THE BRAVE REBELS! HOW THEY ARMED TO START THE FIGHT AGAINST PARLIAMENT! OH, BONNY SCOTLAND, TURNING ON THE ENGLISH TO JOIN THE FIGHT AS THE IRISH MARCHED ON NORTHERN IRELAND AND UNDERWENT FORCEFUL UNIFICATION! How I wish I was with the rebels....

Tavi [Angrily]: PHIL!

Phil: What?

Tavi: Your country's history is fucking boring.

Phil: Those are recent events.

Tavi: Would you like to learn the history of my country?

Phil: Go on.

Tavi [With a dangerous-sounding false sweetness]: Everything can fucking kill you.

Phil [Turning around and looking at Tavi]: Wait, you're Australian?

Tavi: Aye.

Phil [Clasping his hands to the side of his head]: YOU DON'T HAVE AN ACCENT!!!!!

Tavi: Phil, where do you think I was genetically engineered? Ireland?

Phil: Tavi, I know fuck-all about you.

Tavi: Do you think the Europeans used sugar gliders in their genetic experiments? Nope. That's where I come from. That's the only possible answer.

Tavi sighs.

Phil: don't know for sure?

Tavi [Shrugging listlessly]: It's logic. I don't even know if there's others like me. I to think....I have a past beyond fighting as a mercenary...

Phil: How did you even get into it?

Tavi [Quietly]: ...All I remember is waking up in a bed in a house...with Mother standing next to me....That's....really my only early memory....and that' I was....sixteen...

Phil [Dumbfounded]: Shite.

Tavi [Smiling weakly]: When we get home...I want to talk...with Mother....see if she knows  anything....hopefully she'll talk.........Now that Courtney's planning to leave........

Phil: I can kneecap the bitch for you.

Tavi [Smirking]: Nah, it's fine. I guess I just know who my true friends are, and they're the ones who stand at your side  through thick and thin, not the ones who run away and cower.

Phil: Eh? Courtney hardly cowers.

Tavi [Shrugging]: I heard her crying for her Mommy some nights while she slept.

Phil: Ouch.........Well, i'll stand at your side--

Tavi [Smirking and walking up to him, placing her thumb on his nose]: Still in the friendzone, Phil.

Phil lunges forward, wrapping his arms around Tavi and lifting her up, hugging her tightly. Tavi laughs loudly, wrapping her arms around him and hugging him.

Phil: Hey, I ain't going to go fucking beta just because i'm in the friendzone!

Tavi [Coughing slightly]: Alright, I get it, you don't have to bearhug me!

Phil lets Tavi down onto her fight as she coughs slightly, laughing and rubbing her chest. Tavi grins, but stops and sniffs the air.

Phil: What's wrong?

Tavi: ....Quite a strong....familiar...smell..

Tavi spins around, looking down the street: Heading towards them is Lynch, flanked by the other mercenaries. It appears that they caught taxis to the nearest train station and took them to Harajuku straight away for a reason unknown to them. Riddled with dirt and grime, still wearing tattered Hawaiian shirts and shorts with bristling beards, the mercenaries march forward, ignoring the throng of people who stop and turn, staring at them. Lynch's cold blue eyes are trained directly at Phil as he marches forward.

Phil: Well, it's Lynch.

Lynch keeps walking towards them.

Tavi: He looks pissed...

Tavi looks over her shoulder at Phil, who is busy trying to rush through a crowd of cosplayers. However, all he seems to be doing is barging against a wall of humanity, unable to penetrate the thick throng of tourists and costumed aficionados.

Phil [Screaming]: BEGONE, PEOPLE, I NEED TO RUN!!

Lynch suddenly breaks into a jog, jogging straight past Tavi and towards Phil. Phil twists around, pointing at Lynch and screaming loudly. Without thinking, Phil quickly rushes towards Lynch, screaming loud obscenities and gibberish as Lynch keeps jogging, a grin on his face that indicates he is not entirely serious, though the sprinting Phil gives him enough cause for concern to the step to the left as he sprints forward, extending his arm and clotheslining Phil roughly, sending him straight down to the concrete. Crowds of people are now watching as Lynch looks down at Phil who gazes up at him.

Lynch [Grinning]: Run from this.

Phil: Fuck.

Lynch raises his foot above Phil's head, and Phil shuts his eyes tightly, but Lynch simply taps his nose with the toe of his boot.

Lynch: Get up, pussy, I barely gave you a love tap.

Phil slowly sits up as Lynch turns to the mercenaries, along with Tavi, who are now looking over at them.

Lynch [Clapping his hands together and rubbing them]: I THINK IT'S TIME FOR A FUCKIN' HOLIDAY!!!!!!!!

A loud cheer goes up from the mercenaries. Seemingly on command, Dick, Al and Dion emerge within the crowd, having apparently just visited the Meiji Shrine. They are chatting amongst themselves until they see Lynch. Upon seeing Lynch, their faces fall, but Lynch turns his head, looking at them and grinning.

Lynch [Grinning]: Now you three...I'm going to hurt.

Al [Gulping]:

Lynch slowly advances towards them...


The scene opens in a small pub within the heart of Tokyo. The mercenaries have fallen ditched their old clothes and washed, trimming their facial hair or shaving it fully. A stop at a clothing shop appears to have happened as they are now wearing evening clothes, with all of them wearing plain white or grey shirts aside from Will, wearing a bright turquoise shirt that appears to be two sizes too small for him. With jeans and smart shoes alongside the shirts, the mercenaries can easily be distinguished from the drunken salarymen filling the pub. The pub that the mercenaries are huddled in is small and quaint, dark and barely lit, with an impressive selection of liquor in the shelves behind the bar. A series of wooden stools with red cushions are at the bar, which several mercenaries, including Lynch and Frank, are sat at. The other mercenaries are interspersed amongst the round wooden circular tables, with Jon, Sal, Billy and Vince sat within a semi-circular booth on the far right-hand wall of the pub.

Lynch has his feet on Dion's back, who is on all-fours in front of Lynch. Al is stood to his left while Dick is stood to his right. The three men appear to be sullen, their fun and their luck having ran out as the barman places a bottle of Sapporo beer in front of Frank, along with a glass tankard.
Dion: Lynch--

Lynch: Footstools don't talk.

Dick: Lynch...

Lynch [Coldly]: And toothpicks definitely don't talk.

Al: C'mon, Lynch--

Lynch: Shut up, toilet paper.

Al shudders as Frank pours some Sapporo beer into Lynch's glass. Lynch turns his head, looking at Frank.

Lynch: You're not in my bad books, why are you pouring?

Frank: It's tradition. You pour your companion his drink, who pours you a drink, and then you raise your glasses and give cheers.

Lynch: What happened to the tradition of breaking the first bottle by smashing it over someone's head?

Frank: That's a very localised tradition to two small streets in the Sinai Desert.

Lynch: Good point.

Lynch grabs Frank's bottle of Sapporo, pouring his glass out before slamming it down on the bar and grabbing his own glass, looking down the bar before looking over his right shoulder at the rest of the mercenaries.

Lynch [Raising his glass]: Well, here's to Japan, lads. Never again.

Johnny: Screw that, i'm coming back next year!

Jericho: Yeah, this was fun!

Steve: You have a very odd definition of 'fun'.

Frank raises his glass.


Frank downs his beer in a few gulps as Lynch lets loose a thankful sigh, shaking his head.

Dean [Looking across the bar]: By the way, guys.

Sal: [Looking over]: Yeah?

Dean: ........Whatever happened to the Kuchisake-Onna, anyway?

Steve: What do you mean?

Dean: Well, Sam said we only really knew how to distract it.

Frank [In disbelief]: You mean it didn't die in the explosion?!

Karab: No.....

The mercenaries suddenly fall silent.

Phil: Aw, piss.

The doors to the bar thrust open as the Kuchisake-Onna stands there, a grin spreading across her bloody maw as she snips her scissors threateningly, walking through the doorway as the scene fades to black.

The scene opens again as the Kuchisake-Onna is dragged backwards away from the door. Lynch gets to his feet as triumphant trumpets play, watching as the trio of Dean, Karab and Samuel drag her to the floor, kicking her violently.

Lynch [Ecstatically]: YOU THREE SURVIVED!!!!!!!

Dean [Turning around, grinning and giving two thumbs up]: Don't count out the Chevrolet boys and the Singh boy.

Karab unsheathes his kirpan, leaning down and stabbing the Kuchisake-Onna with a disturbing fervour as Dean walks into the pub.

Dean [grinning and giving a double thumbs up, impersonate 'The Fonz']: AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

"Happy Days" begins to play as the scene fades to black.


With this, the year comes to a close. I may do a New Year's special, but it's doubtful.

I wish I could make this more extensive, which is why I made a separate page for it to return to if I want. With work piling up and the year coming to a close, however, I haven't been able to refine it as much as I want. Hopefully, however, it's gotten a few chuckles and Google searches from you.

Thanks for all the support. I see that counter rise constantly, and though no comments are made, I like to think some of you are reading, and that's enough for me.

Wednesday, 12 November 2014

Another (Mercenary Bites The Dust) - Part II

We return to where we left Lynch: Stuck in the pantry, inside the hotel in the middle of Aokigahara, with Dean and Vince trapped inside with him. Lynch is busy strangling Vince as Dean watches, somewhat bemused as Vince begins losing his breath, turning a slight shade of blue as Lynch clasps his hands tighter around Vince's throat.

Lynch [Growling]: POP! POP, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!

Dean [Clearing his throat]: Uh, Lynch--

Lynch [Looking over his shoulder with his hands around Vince's neck, hissing]: WHAT?!

Dean: We should probably not try killing our own. Also, we should spend energy trying to get out of here.

Lynch turns his head and looks at Vince before pulling away. Vince gasps and croaks for air, rubbing his throat. Lynch twists around and walks over to the door, grasping a small metal handle and pulling it violently: The door is stuck tightly.

Lynch [Growling]: It's no use.

Lynch slams his foot against the handle: Nothing but an echoing thud.

Dean: Man, you think there'd be a safety feature to stop people getting stuck in here.

Lynch slams his fists roughly against the metal door, letting loose a resounding bang.

Lynch [Angrily]: Fuck this place!

Vince: Well, you wanted to stay--

Lynch [Pointing at Vince without looking at him]: If you say anything else, I'll put your head through the fucking door.

Dean: That's a good plan!

The three men fall silent as footsteps echo off of the tiles in the kitchen. Dean and Lynch step backwards away from the door, listening carefully.

Dean: Well, we're fucked.

Vince: Any last words?

Lynch [Muttering]: The only easy day was yesterday...[Angrily]....BEFORE WE CAME TO THIS STUPID PLACE!!!!!

The footsteps grow louder. Vince looks around desperately, presumably for a weapon. Dean and Lynch simply watch the door with steely-eyed determination, having accepted their grim fate.

Dean [Quietly]: So, who is it? A creepy woman with a slit mouth or the ghost of a samurai sprouting up for no apparent fucking reason?

Lynch [Grimacing]: Oh, please be the fucking latter. Maybe it'll be quicker.

Lynch, Dean and Vince can only watch on as the door opens, a crack of light filling the room as a shadow appears in the doorway..........who reveals himself as Eligio as he reaches in and turns to his left, flicking on a lightswitch that they apparently did not know was there.

Eligio: What are you all doing in the pantry?

Lynch: We were locked in here!

Eligio [Shrugging]: Well, let's go.

Vince, Lynch and Dean [Desperately, in unison]: THE DOOR!!

The door begins to shut. Eligio turns around, grasping the door and shoving it open again before twisting around and placing his back against it, holding it open for them.

Eligio [Chuckling]: I'm not stupid, mi amigos. Come on, we need to find the others and get out of here!

Lynch [Walking out of the pantry]: How did you guys break out of the doors anyway?

Eligio: We took the fire exit route. We don't know what was blocking the double doors but it was too stupid to block the fire door, at least!

Lynch: Have the others joined you? Or have they ran off like little bitches?

Eligio: Mi amigos are there. Bob, Frank, Sal, Brick, Bill and Jon are there too. The others...aren't.

Lynch: Where the fuck are they, then?

Eligio: Everyone else is running around randomly, trying to escape the many things that are intent on killing us for no apparent reason. The ones who are keeping their heads are keeping watch in the main hall.

Lynch: Right, well, let's find everyone else and try to gather them, then.

Dean, Lynch and Vince walk out of the pantry, following Eligio into the kitchen.


In the main room, Johan and Mustafa have since opened the doors outside, placing their backs against the heavy doors to keep them open. Inside the main room itself, Melvin, That Other Random Guy, Marcos and Bobby are stood around the chandelier. That Other Random Guy is still stuck within his sleeping bag, standing there and looking around aimlessly.

That Other Random Guy: Can someone please get me out of this fucking sleeping bag?

Johan walks over, leaning down and reaching into his right sock, pulling out a bowie knife and approaching That Other Random Guy, whose eyes widen.

That Other Random Guy: Fucking hell, Johan, be careful!

Johan: You know me.

Johan grips the strings of the sleeping bag, pressing the tip of the blade between them. That Other Random Guy breathes in as Johan swipes the blade down, hacking through the cloth and padding with ease and making a small incision, roughly two inches. Johan sheathes the blade in the back of the belt around his cargo shorts and grips the bag either side of the cut, pulling his arms apart and tearing the bag open violently. That Other Random Guy steps out, dusting off his sky blue Hawaiian short and beige cargo shorts.

That Other Random Guy: Thanks, buddy.

Bobby [Looking around]: Where the hell are the others?

Frank [Leaning over the balcony to their left]: Up here!

Sal quickly appears behind Frank.

Sal [Quietly]: I've come for you.

Frank yelps suddenly, tipping over the railing and screaming, hitting the floor with a crash. Sal leans over the railing, pointing down and laughing loudly. Brick bursts out from the Eastern wing, grabbing Sal's legs and tipping him over the balcony. Sal screams, falling downwards and onto Frank, who twitches in pain.

Frank [Screaming]: YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!

Brick [Smirking, nodding]: That's right!

From the Western wing emerges Jon, shoving the doors open and smacking his lips, grasping the railing and looking across at Brick.

Jon [Calling over]: Brick, i'm light-headed, what now?

Brick [Shrugging]: We get some more when we leave!

Melvin [Looking up and laughing]: Hey, look at Jon, our happy little stoner!

Jon [Screaming angrily]: FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING MOTHER!!!!!!

Melvin [Laughing]: Oh, Jon, you're so easy to anger!

Jon vaults over the railing, landing on his feet on the floor below. His legs buckle violently and he hits the floor, clutching his right leg.

Jon [In pain, angrily]: FUCKING ANKLE!!!

Mustafa [Looking over at Jon]: Goddammit, Jon, don't fall a great height onto your feet. That's just asking for a dislocation.

Jon [In pain, angrily]: I'LL REMEMBER THAT FOR THE FUTURE!!!!!!!

Brick walks down the stairs as Maurice and Moe walk out from the Eastern wing with Bob in tow. Phil, with Jericho, Steve and Ivan in tow, walk out from the Western wing. Jericho begins buttoning up his trench coat.

Jericho [Calmly]: Well, i'm ready to leave.

Ivan: Vell, it vas fun vhile it lasted.

Karab and Samuel walk out from the Western wing behind Phil.

Karab: Well, here we go.

Phil: Where's the boss, anyway?

Bill [Looking up]: We think he got stuck in the pantry or something.

Phil: Lynch? In the pantry? Fucking hell, was the Kuchisake-Onna gonna eat him?

Bob: Could be worse.

Samuel [Slyly]: Yeah, could be tentacles.

Bob [Narrowing his eyes, looking over at Samuel]: Fuck you.

Samuel, karab, Phil, Jericho, Steve and Ivan head down the stairs to join the group, as do Maurice, Moe and Bob.

Melvin: I wish he'd hurry up. It feels like we're about to be ambushed at any minute.

Bobb [Cracking his knuckles]: Nothing's going to ambush us while we're here, little man.

The doors to the Eastern wing open and Will slowly peers his head out, looking around cautiously.


Mustafa [Looking up at Will]: All of us!

Will [Hesitantly]: No, I mean...something that could kill me!

Mustafa [Chuckling]: All of us!

Will [Sighing]: I mean some weird Japanese thing!

That Other Random Guy: Come on down, you big baby! We're safe here!

Will is shoved roughly through the doors as Dave and Robbie appear behind him.

Dave [Angrily]: MOVE IT, YOU BIG BABY!!

Will [Angrily, spinning around]: FUCK YOU, GAY BOY!!

Dave grabs Will by the throat, forcing him backwards against the railing and glaring at him.

Dave [Quietly]: I swear to God that I will snap your neck should your mouth open again.

Will gulps and Dave pushes him away, walking down the stairs.

Robbie: Seriously, why are people thinking we're gay? Sal hangs out with Vince and Billy in a secluded mansion and yet no-one thinks he loves cock!

Sal [Looking up at Robbie]: That's because they fucking disgust me! If I was gay, i'd go for someone a lot better!

Steve: Don't lie, Sal.

Sal [Scoffing]: Well, sorry if I have high standards, Steve!

Samuel: ...Why are we even having this conversation?

Finally, from the Western wing, emerge Billy with Johnny and Tim in tow. Johnny and Tim are looking around cautiously as Billy swings his sock filled with bars of soap around his head.

Sal: Speaking of homosexuals!

Billy [Calling out]: WHO'S READY FOR A POUNDIN'?!

Bill: Hey, Billy, we're all safe here.

Billy: Ach, I was talkin' about who wants it in general! [Walking over to the railing and looking down at the mercenaries]: Specifically yeh, Will!

Will [Sneering]: Come and get it, skirt wearer.

Billy rushes to the stairs, sprinting down them. Will screams, rushing towards Bobby and huddling behind him as Billy rushes over, swinging the sock threateningly around his head.


Will: I can and will!

Bobby clears his throat, side-stepping to the left and leaving Will unguarded. Will looks up, whimpering.

Will [Laughing nervously]: Hey, Billy!....Don't kill me!

Jericho: Die with some bloody courage!

Will [Bluntly]: Never.

Johnny and Tim walk downstairs as the dining room doors are thrust open. Lynch, Dean, Eligio and Vince walk through the doors and into the main hall, looking around.

Lynch: Alright, follow me. We're going to get my phone. And we should probably get the sugar glider too.

Lynch walks forward, the mercenaries following as he begins to walk up the left-hand set of stairs. The mercenaries are sticking together in a tight huddle.

Johan: Can we get any closer?

Frank: Hey, we should stick close: I don't want to die!

Sal: Everybody knows that it's the dude at the back dies first.

Frank: No, it's the person at the front who dies first.

Eligio: Sometimes its a guy from the side who gets picked off.

Lynch sighs, stopping.

Lynch [Looking over his shoulder]: What do we do, then?

Phil [Stepping forward, suddenly wearing a full set of Centurion armour, complete with crested helmet]: FORM TESTUDO!!!

Lynch [Sighing darkly and facepalming]: Please no..

Jericho: It's a good idea. We get a load of shielding stuff, hold it over our heads and to our sides, the guys in front hold shields in front of them, guys at the back hold shields in front of them. Voila! Mobile protection!

Lynch's eyes suddenly widen and he snaps his fingers.


Lynch and the mercenaries rush through the double doors and into the dining room.


The doors into the Western wing open and two tables, placed vertically, slowly squeeze through the doors with Johan and Marcos carrying them. Sidestepping behind them are Bill, Jon, Brick, Dave, Robbie and Vince to the right, carrying tables horizontally, with Johnny, Tim, Mustafa and Bobby to the left, also carrying tables horizontally with Mustafa and Bobby carrying one table themselves. Behind them are Eligio, Melvin, That Other Random Guy and Billy, carrying tables horizontally and blocking in the rest of the mercenaries. In the middle of the huddle stands Phil, still dressed as a Centurion, with Lynch in front of him. For some reason, Maurice, Sal, Jericho, Ivan and Bob are holding chairs up to the ceiling. The testudo of tables slowly shuffles down the corridor. Phil looks around.

Phil: Alright, where are we going?

The testudo stops.

Dean: Y'know, where do people go when their house is haunted and they're under attack by malevolent spirits?

Moe: They usually run around the house. Screaming. And running into the dead corpses of their friends. Sometimes they run outside, alone, in a random direction. Into the dead corpses of their friends.

Tim: Lotta death, huh?

Johnny: As long as we stick together, we should be fine..........hopefully.

Lynch: Okay, so, does anyone have a mobile phone?

The mercenaries look around at eachother, shaking their heads and letting out a resounding 'No' amongst them.

Lynch: So, we're on the right track, cause we gotta get my phone.

The testudo slowly, silently begins to move forward.

Phil [Singing suddenly]: Who do you think you are kidding Mister Hitler, if you think we're on the run?

Jericho: Don't, Phil. Just don't.

Mustafa: And technically, we ARE on the run.

The testudo continues slowly moving up the hallway

Vince: Guys--

Lynch [Angrily]: WHAT?!

Vince: Jisatsu means 'Suicide'. Just thought i'd let you know.

Jon: So, we're staying in Hotel Suicide?

Eligio: It's better than the Hotel California.

Mercenaries [Singing jovially, all in unison]: WELCOME TO THE HOTEL CALIFORNIAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

Lynch [Laughing]: Sweet Baby Jesus, I hope we can leave..

The mercenaries stop at the end of the hallway: Sal, Brick, Bob and Steve step aside and allow Lynch access to his door. Lynch walks into his room, slamming the door shut behind him. A small, tense silence follows.

Mustafa: I can't believe we're in a testudo.

Phil: Don't question the testudo.

Eligio: Seriously, Phil, you need to go to a doctor: You've got to be crazy.

Phil: Just because I am aware of ancient battle techniques. Which are working.

Tim: Until Foxy charges at us.

Dave: He'll just bounce!...........A ghost, on the other hand..

A small murmur of agreement goes up.

Phil [Coldly]: Shut the fuck up.

All of a sudden, a bloodcurdling scream is heard from Lynch's room, followed by pounding on the door.

Lynch [Screaming]: OH GOD, SOMETHING'S GOT ME!!

The mercenaries look around, screaming wildly as Lynch claws at the door. Frank runs forward, pulling violently at the handle.

Frank [Screaming]: WE'RE COMING FOR YOU, LYNCH!!

Lynch [Desperately]: HEEEEEELLLLLPPPPPPP!!!


Tim drops his half of the table, bolting off down the hallway. Sal screams, running down the opposite end of the hallway and hurtling himself through the double doors. Frank wrenches the handle violently as it's pulled off in his hands. Frank gazes at the handle, screaming.

Bill [Desperately]: LYNCH!

Dean [Panicking]: Not good, Not good, Not good, Not good, NOT GOOD!!!!

Blood starts to pour through the hole where the handle used to be and the mercenaries drop their chairs and tables, scuttling backwards and screaming even louder. They stop, hearing laughter as the door is booted open violently and Lynch walks out, clutching a bottle of tomato ketchup and doubling over, clutching his stomach as he laughs wildly.

Eligio [Angrily]: HIJO DE PUTA!!!!

Lynch [Laughing, pointing at them]: YOU SHOULD SEE YOUR FUCKIN' FACES!!!!

Samuel: FUCK YOU!!!

Lynch [Slapping his thighs, laughing loudly]: Oh, God, you're killing me! Stop!

Dave [Angrily]: Fuck off, Lynch! Sal and Tim just ran away!

Lynch [Suddenly stopping laughing and throwing up his arms]: Oh, for FUCKS sake! Can you assholes just stop running for a few seconds?!

Johnny: We really should get them!

Lynch [Sighing bitterly]: We'll go to the main hall and we'll wait for them. THAT'S ALL!

Mustafa: But they might ran into a masked man and get eviscerated violently!

Johnny pales suddenly.

Lynch [Sarcastically]: Ha ha, very fucking funny Mustafa. Look, shut up and move forward..............NOW, YOU FOUR! MOVE!

Eligio, Melvin, That Other Random Guy and Billy start moving forward as the testudo now begins to move up the hallway and towards the double doors. Lynch sighs, walking besides Phil as the testudo slowly moves forward.

Lynch [Coldly]: Bunch of faggots. Can't you guys stop running?!

Phil: It's in our nature: See danger, shoot it. Can't shoot it? Run the fuck away.

Frank: I think you'll find it's a very good reflex to have. Unless the enemy shoots you in the back. Then it's just a case of dying tired.

The doors are slowly pushed open by the tables as the testudo makes its way out into the hallway, slowly and awkwardly descending down the nearest set of stairs. Lynch spins his phone in his hand, whistling to himself.

Maurice: You sound oddly happy, lad.

Lynch: Well, we've got a phone. Just gotta get to Mount Fuji for an evac.

Brick: We'll be safe, guys!

That Other Random Guy [Mumbling]: I doubt that somehow...

As the mercenaries reach the floor, a knocking booms against the doors. The testudo, standing in the middle of the floor, quickly faces the doors.

Johnny: Aw shit!

Phil: Steady! Steady!

Jon [Looking around]: Ghosts don't knock. What the hell is it?

The knocking booms against the doors again. The mercenaries whimper, the testudo stepping backwards.

Vince: Maybe it's something evil!

Frank: Something foul!

Dick: Something sinister!

Phil walks out of the testudo, walking towards the door and grasping the handles, wrenching it open: A delivery boy, standing in front of a red moped and wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform, is standing there.

Pizza Delivery Man: Who ordered the Domino's?

The mercenaries fall silent. Lynch drops his table on the floor and steps forward.

Lynch: Yeah, we're hungry. That'd be me.

Sal: Sweet!

Pizza Delivery Man: Dude, I got here from Arizona in less than thirty minutes, I'm going to want a tip.

Lynch: Sure.

Lynch takes the pizzas before kicking the door shut.


Lynch turns to the group, nodding.

Lynch: Well, they're getting faster, at least.

Maurice: Bloody lovely, mate!

Lynch: Alright, ladies, stay here and hold the fort: I'm going to put these in the dining room where we can eat........We did leave a table, didn't we?

Melvin: Yeah, one.

Lynch: That'll do.

Lynch walks through the mercenaries and pushes his shoulders against the double doors into the dining room, forcing them open and walking inside. The mercenaries simply stand there, holding up their tables, and waiting.

Johnny: Hey, i'm curious...

Sal: What?

Johnny: ....Billy, what happened to Foxy?

A silence descends across the mercenaries.

Billy: That's a good question--

Seemingly on cue, the front doors open and the skeletal robotic form of Foxy the Fox bursts out. The mercenaries fall silent. Foxy screams. As does Phil. As do the rest of the mercenaries. Phil throws down his scutum and gladius, screaming and sprinting up the stairs, away from Foxy and bursting through the doors into the West wing.

Eligio [Watching]: The boy sure doesn't handle jumpscares well.

Marcos: What do we do about our cybernetic friend?

Foxy quickly twists around, sprinting out of the front doors for no apparent reason.

Eligio [Placing a hand on Marcos's shoulder]: Let him go. He is Japan's problem now.

Lynch walks into the main room from the dining room, looking around and narrowing his eyes.

Lynch: Where the fuck did Phil go?

Sal: Foxy came in and screamed at us, so he pissed himself and ran.

Lynch [Coldly]: Right, fuck it. We're eating and then making this last visit to the Eastern wing, gathering who we can, and THEN we're leaving. No ifs, no ands, no buts.

Vince: What about the--

Lynch: They're cowards. They will find their way. After all, that's probably what Dick, Al and Dion did. And stop this testudo shit.

As the mercenaries begin dropping their tables and chairs, finally stopping their nonsensical testudo, Tavi is heading towards the double doors towards the Eastern wing. Without warning, the Kuchisake-Onna suddenly appears in front of the doors, her wide grin glistening in the moonlight as she clutches her pair of scissors, snipping them threateningly.

Tavi [Quietly]: What do you want, you mad bitch?

Owner [Grinning eerily]: To kill the hairy barbarians.

Tavi cracks her knuckles, watching as the Owner slowly walks towards her. Phil rushes around the corner behind her in the hallway, noticing the Kuchisake-Onna and sprinting forward.


The Kuchisake-Onna twists around, only for Phil to throw himself through the air sideways, slamming the brunt of his body into the demon. The skinny form of the Kuchisake-Onna is sent to the floor swiftly as Phil lands on his feet, his Centurion helmet disloging from his head and rolling across the floor. Phil stumbles forward and looks at Tavi.

Tavi [Folding her arms]: Are you quite done?

Phil: Let's fucking get outta here!

Tavi: Are you suggesting we run away?

Phil: Me and you, let's run the fuck outta here, find the nearest road, hijack a car and head to Tokyo!

Tavi [Narrowing her eyes]: You mad bastard, if the others find out we've abandoned them--

Phil: They'd do the same to us,

Tavi [Shrugging]: You're right. Let's roll.

Tavi turns to the room to her left, wrenching open the door and walking inside. Phil follows as she grips the window in front of Room C, pulling it open and climbing out onto a thin ledge, leaping downwards and onto the grass below, rolling through the impact. Phil swings his leg through the window, lifting and looping his other leg through the window so he's sitting on the ledge.


Phil drops down from the window, falling downwards and hitting the grass with a crunch, rolling haphazardly through the impact as they both begin running up the driveway.


The mercenaries, with Lynch at the helm, enter the Eastern wing: Lynch walks forward, looking around. His foot collides with the centurion helmet, kicking it forward. Lynch looks at the floor, then at the windows, the third one of which has been opened. Lynch looks out of the open window, looking left and right.

Lynch: So, someone's got away.

Steve: Do you think it's Phil and Tavi?

Lynch [Pulling back, Sniffing the air]: I smell wet dog and piss. Must be.

Jericho [Leaning down and picking up the Centurion's helmet]: Yeah, it's definitely Phil. So he's gone. Are we missing anyone?

Lynch: Yeah, we've lost Dean, Karab and Samuel.

Frank: And Dick, Dion and Al!

Lynch: They've probably ran the fuck away by now.

Sal: Fuck, we're rolling in light!

Lynch [Determined]: Leave them! TOGETHER, WE WILL SLAP THE JAP OFF THE MAP!

The mercenaries go silent.

Johnny: Don't you think that was a tad racist?

Vince: A TAD?! That's some American propaganda you're spewing!

Samuel [In disbelief]: Fucking hell, Lynch! You can't just say that!

Lynch [Quickly]: My grandfather was a Marine, he said it ALL the time!

Johan: That doesn't make it any better.

Lynch: Look, shut up and follow me. We're only missing eight people. For a trip with a company from the Academy, i'd say that's a personal goddamn best.

Maurice: Bloody hell, Lynch, are we really gonna leave them?

Lynch [Turning to Maurice and clasping his hands on his shoulders]: Look here, big boy: I have never underestimated any of you. I also do not underestimate the cowardice of any of you, which means that I know people have ran the fuck away by now.

Johan: He does have a point.

Moe: Well, boss, let's go!

Lynch: First of all, we need to think of a plan of action: If we walk into a random direction, we will be walking into some kind of disaster or possibly cross a serial killer who will spend two hours murdering us in hilariously violent ways.

Vince: Well, we could head towards Mount Fuji. I mean, on top of Mount Fuji, I suppose we could get a signal for our phones and we could use it to phone Mother for an evac.

Lynch [Appearing slightly nervous]: Well, Vince, i'd rather it not come to that..

Brick [Snapping his fingers and grinning]: I COULD CALL ZEMUS!!     

Jon [Desperately]: Please, no.

Brick [Turning and looking at Jon]: C'mon, buddy, he owes me a favour and could pick us all up from Fuji!

Lynch: Sounds good to me.

Moe: But Zemus is crazy! Remember when we went to Bulgaria to save Eligio?! He was drunk!

Bob: But he...kinda got us there in one piece.

Lynch: Exactly. Now, follow me. We're going to Mount Fuji, we're calling in Zemus and we're getting the fuck out of here.

Lynch leads his few mercenaries out through the double doors and into the main hallway. Heading downstairs, Lynch leads his mercenaries outside, unaware that Dean, Karab and Samuel are still inside the mansion..


In Room B-2 on the Western wing, Dean is in the bathroom. He walks over to the toilet, sighing and unzipping his shorts.

Dean: C'mon, big boy..

Dean sighs loudly, beginning to urinate as crackling is heard in the bedroom, where Samuel is sweeping the entirety of the room with an ESP detector. Dean looks around in the darkened bathroom, shuddering his shoulders.

Dean: So, i'm alone. Peeing. In the dark. In a haunted house. How the hell do I frighten off the ghosts?...

Dean hums quietly, urinating for a few seconds before he bursts into song.


Girl: Try turning on the light.

Dean: ...........Well, it's a good thing i'm peeing, or I'd piss my pants.

Dean whistles to himself, quickly zipping up and flushing before turning around, turning on the light, nodding, clutching his head in his hands and screaming violently. Samuel quickly boots the door open and grasps the bathroom door, pulling it open.

Samuel [Panicking]: DEAN?!?!?


Samuel: Alright, Dean, get up!


Samuel [Impatiently]: DEAN!!!

Samuel pulls Dean to his feet, slapping him sharply around his cheek with his right hand. Dean begins to hyperventilate, and Samuel slaps his with his other hand, followed by a second right-handed slap. Dean keeps hyperventilating, and Samuel shrugs, slapping him with both hands at once. Dean reels backwards against the wall, shaking his head roughly.

Dean [Hastily]: I'm fine! I'm cool!

Karab pulls the bathroom door open, rushing in and looking around.

Karab: I heard screaming.

Samuel: It was just Dean.

Karab [Crestfallen]: As always.

Dean [Bluntly]: Fuck you.

Karab: Well, I come bearing bad news.

Samuel: Go on.

Karab: The others have left, gone outside.

Samuel: So, we're all alone in here?

Dean [Narrowing his eyes]: Calculations say that we're utterly screwed.

Samuel: No, we're not.

Dean: Why?

Samuel: Group huddle.

Karab, Dean and Samuel huddle up, placing their arms around eachothers shoulders.

Samuel: We go into the kitchen, take all the salt we can, and line the main doorways. That'll stop ghosts and spirits. For everything else, we take some gas canisters from the kitchen. We place one in the western wing, one in the eastern wing, light them and throw lit books of matches into the room. That should cause enough fire and damage to begin burning the place down.

Dean: And if there are no gas canisters?

Samuel [Calmly]: Trust me, I know that there will be very conveniently placed gas canisters.

Karab: Let's not wait, then.

Samuel, Dean and Karab head through the double doors and into the dining room. They look ahead at the lone table standing in front of a rough stack of tables and chairs: Sal and Tim are standing there, eating pizza.

Dean: ...Uh, hi?

Sal [Turning around and waving]: Yo.

Samuel: ....Why are you guys here?

Tim: ....Pizza.

Samuel: But...we need to destroy the inn.

Tim: Oh.

Dean [Looking at Samuel hopefully]: Pizza?!

Samuel [Sighing]: ...Pizza.

Dean runs towards the giddily table as Karab and Samuel sigh in unison.


Outside, the mercenaries who begin to escape from the inn are heading south towards Mount Fuji. The sea of trees unfolding in front of them completely obscure their view, something multiplied by the fact that darkness has fallen, lending itself to the eerie, still atmosphere of the forest. The only thing that can be heard are leaves and twigs crunching and snapping underfoot as the mercenaries march forward.

Johnny: So, is this your first trip where we've left with more than people than are returning?

Lynch [Coldly]: No.

Bill: That's a stupid question. I bet Lynch has seen hundreds of people die under his command!

Lynch: No, I just abandon the stupid cunts.

Bill: Charming.

Lynch stops, as do the other mercenaries: In the darkness, their mindless wandering is pointless, only serving for them to lose their sense of direction and drive them deeper into a cold, unforgiving forest. Frank snaps his fingers suddenly.

Frank: Let's follow the northern star!

Frank points up to the sky, directly at the canopy of leaves and branches that completely obscure any and all views of the sky above them.

Lynch [Looking up, Sarcastically]: Fuck me, I see a beacon of hope!

Frank [Chuckling, lowering his hand]: My mistake--


Frank: Alrigh--

Lynch [Sarcastically, clapping]: PRAISE BE TO BABY FUCKING JESUS! WE ARE SAVED!! [Turning to Frank] Please go one second without being retarded.

Dave [Laughing]: You know that's impossible, Lynch!

Moe: So, where do we go?

The mercenaries fall silent.

Vince: Well, this inn is to the North. Right now, we're heading South, right?

Lynch: Not a fucking clue.

Vince: Well...let's head off in one direction! I mean, we keep walking and surely we'll escape, right?

Lynch: Fine, but you take the lead. You can die the horrendously violent death.

Vince sighs, turning left and walking off into the forest. The mercenaries quickly follow, the unnerving silence surrounding them.

Billy: Yeh know, Foxy is oot here.

Mustafa [Cracking his knuckles]: Let the robot come.

Bill: I hate this place..

Jon [Darkly]: We all do.

Billy: Ain't that bad.

Jon [Darkly]: We're in the middle of a forest famous for being a suicide hotspot.

Jericho: Could be worse.

Jon: How?

Jericho: Could be in England.

A murmur of agreement rolls across the mercenaries.

Bob [Quietly]: There's nothing wrong with England..

Jericho: I'm English and even I admit that England has problems.

Vince [Piping up]: Guys, I hear water....we must be close to Lake Saiko.

Lynch: Does that mean we're getting closer to Fuji?

Vince: Well, we have to pass over quite a few roads to get there.

Lynch: .....So, we'll be out of this fucking forest soon?

Vince: Quite soon. Still a fair amount of walking to do. Saiko will provide us with a clearing to let us get our bearings.

Bob: Thank God for that. This place smells weird and i'm pretty sure there's corpses lying around.

Vince [Chuckling]: Oh, there are a lot of corpses lying around. And, literally, hanging around.

Eligio [Sarcastically]: Such a wonderful place to go on holiday!

Lynch: Hey, it's a Halloween holiday, we wanted to go somewhere spooky.

Will [Scoffing]: Did we really? DID WE REALLY?!

Steve: Just because you wanted to be arrested for fondling someone on the subway...

Will [Smirking]: If only...

Steve: Will, if you do, you will get arrested, and the Japanese aren't known for being too accommodating towards foreigners who are arrested here. You'd have to search high and low for someone to communicate with the police for you.

Frank: And let's face it: Nobody in their right mind would defend you.

Will [Coldly]: Fuck off.

A sudden scuttling is heard behind them: The mercenaries stop, looking around.

Brick: Aw shit.

Jon [Cautiously]: What is that?

Lynch [Hissing]: Shut up for a second!

The mercenaries fall silent. Eligio yelps.

Frank: Eligio?!

The sound of a slap is heard, followed by a whimper.

Eligio [Angrily]: Fuck you, Melvin, keep your feet to yourself!

Lynch [Angrily]: Can you all just shut up for a few seconds?!

Bob: Maybe we're just hearing shit!

The mercenaries fall silent for a few more seconds. Another crackling of leaves is heard.

Brick: This is great, we can't see shit!

Frank: Did anybody bring an iPod or a phone?!

A murmuring rolls across the mercenaries, mostly in disagreement.

Lynch [In disbelief]: I told you to bring your fucking phones!

Maurice: We did nae think yeh were bloody serious, Lynch!

Lynch [Exasperated]: Of course I was serious! Right, shut up, hang on...

Lynch fumbles in his pocket, pulling out his mobile phone and pressing a button. The screen lights up and Lynch holds the phone outwards, scanning across the mercenaries who wince as the light passes across them. Moe waves his hand, standing between Johan and Mustafa, while Jon simply stands there with his arms folded. Lynch steps forward towards Eligio, Melvin and That Other Random Guy, shining the light across them.

Melvin: Boo.

The scuttling sounds again. Lynch turns around, shining the light behind him: Standing behind Will is the skeletal, mechanical form of Foxy, hook glistening in the moonlight. Every mercenary suddenly turns their head towards Foxy, their eyes widening.

Will: I've seen that look before!

Frank: Uh, Will--

Will sprints forward.


Foxy lets loose a loud screech as the mercenaries scream.

Frank [Pointing and screaming]: HOLY FUCKING BALLS!!!!!!!

Eligio [Screaming]: RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!

Every mercenary follows Will as Foxy gives chase. Without thinking, Mustafa twists around, holding out his right arm: Foxy collides with the trunk-like arm of Mustafa, sending itself to the floor. Mustafa twists around, pointing ahead.

Mustafa [Bellowing]: HE'S DOWN! KEEP RUNNING!!!!

Bobby: Nice on!

Eligio [Panting heavily]: Good job, mi amigo!

Bob [Screaming]: HOLY SHIT, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!

Bobby [Chuckling]: Damn, Bob, you should try chilling out.

Johan: Yeah, screaming will just make the robot angrier and tear you apart first.

Jon [Breathing heavily]: SCREAM, BOB! SCREAM LIKE A BITCH!

Bob [Angrily]: FUCK YOU!

The mercenaries burst forward, breaching through the perimeter of the forest and coming across a large, expansive lake, flanked by rolling hills and unfolding, lush fields. On the shoreline stands an old, wooden, somewhat decrepit, hut. The mercenaries skid to a halt, the clearing allowing them to catch their breath.



Lynch: ....Yeah! You're right! FRANK! BILL! MOE! Check out that fishing hut!

Moe [In disbelief]: FUCKING WHAT?!?!?

Frank: Hell no!

Lynch [Impatiently]: Orders are orders, cuntbags! Check it!

Moe, Frank and Bill exchange uneasy looks, walking across and to the fishing hut. Frank gulps, pulling the door open and walking inside: The hut is small and completely threadbare. The walls and floor are little more than wooden planks, the stench of mould permeating the air, with only a single, dusty window to let in the light.

Moe: Not a single item of furniture. Let's go.

Bill: Hey, shut up....What's that?

They listen carefully, an odd scratching being heard near the window. Bill grasps it and opens it, looking around before turning to Frank and Moe.

Bill: Hey, guess it was nothi--

Frank [Screaming]: OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU??!?!?

Frank points behind Bill who turns around: In the window, grasped onto the ledge, is a young woman with flowing black hair covering a naked and thin, almost skeletal, body. The demon pulls itself up, revealing a scythe being held in its mouth and only the upper half intact: The lower half of the 'body' is little more than the stub of a vertebrae, sliced raggedly.

Moe [Pointing]: It's the Teke Teke! A vengeful Japanese spirit, sliced in half at the waist, who has returned to enact bloodcurdling vengeance!

The mercenaries watch, Moe still pointing, as the Teke Teke struggles violently, pulling itself up the window and carefully balancing the scythe in its mouth. Bill steps forward, grasping the window and shutting it. The Teke Teke growls, tapping its head against the window as Bill turns around, walking back towards the group.

Bill: Nobody go near the fucking window.

Moe: Well, that's that sorted out. C'mon.

Moe, Bill and Frank turn around, walking out of the hut and shutting the door behind them, walking towards the mercenaries.

Lynch: Haunted?

Moe [Nodding]: Haunted.

Lynch: Alright, let's keep walking.

Lynch and the mercenaries turn to the right, walking south once again. As they do, an explosion roars in the distance behind them. The mercenaries turn their heads, watching as a violent plume of orange and black flames roars upwards towards the sky.

Frank [Pointing]: So, I'm guessing that's one of ours, then?

Bill: Random explosion in the middle of an unpopulated forest? That's definitely the work of Reject Company!

Bob: We should probably head there and....well, make sure that nobody is dead.

Johnny: They better not be dead! Some of us have got boyfriends to worry about!

Lynch [Walking towards the explosion]: Shut the fuck up and follow me. We'll find them.

Lynch leads the mercenaries towards the explosion, the scent of burning, acrid smoke filling the air.  

Jon [Darkly]: If they're crispy, we leave them alone.

Frank: Guys, have faith: if we caused the explosion, it means we outran it.

Will: Really?

Sal: Well, he's got a point: Nobody causes an explosion in the middle of a haunted forest unless they're a member of Reject Company, and everybody knows that whenever Reject Company primes explosives, they run the fuck away from it before detonating it.

Dave [Muttering]: Sometimes into oncoming traffic.

That Other Random Guy [Tutting bitterly, shaking his head]: Man, nobody could've seen that coming. Least of all poor Pepe.

Eligio: Who doesn't see an eighteen wheeler heading up a Brazilian road at eighty miles an hour?!

Bobby: Pepe didn't.

That Other Random Guy: Well, at least we know what the last thing was that went through his mind: The truck's front bumper.

Melvin [Chuckling]: Man, that's nasty.

Robbie: But true.

Lynch [Quietly]: They better be alive.

Will: Even if they aren't, nobody can blame you: After all, we ARE Reject Company.

Maurice: Have faith, lads.

Robbie: Why?

Maurice: Cause we're a bunch of ass-kickers, and some of us do have brains, like. We know to run away from burning buildings.

Melvin [Quietly]: So, uh, explain why we're walking towards one?

A small silence punctuates Melvin as the mercenaries continue walking.

Lynch [Coldly]: Shut up, Melvin. We know what we're doing.

Johnny: Do we?

Will: I doubt it.

Frank [Angrily]: YES! WE DO!

The mercenaries walk through a clearing: Ahead of them is Lake Saiko, the skeletal fishing hut ahead of them. Somehow, someway, by not paying attention and simply talking to eachother, they managed to walk in a complete circle.

That Other Random Guy [In disbelief]: Aw, what the fuck?

Billy: Well, shite, that's the fishing hut.

The mercenaries stand there, looking at the unfolding majesty of Lake Saiko, reflecting the beautiful moonlight.

Lynch [Calmly]: ......We're lost, aren't we?

Lynch falls silent as he listens to the sound of nothing but rustling trees and running water.

Vince: Yes.

Lynch screams loudly, turning to Vince and tackling him to the floor as the others watch on. The scene fades to black.


The scene, however, opens in a traditional Japanese ryokan. Though the location is unknown, the open fields and cobbled streets around it, as well as the fact that it is in the midst of a quiet town, sleeping as the stars sparkle in the night sky, indicates that it as far from Aokigahara as possible. In the bedroom, divided from the rest of the room by traditional paper dividers, Phil and Tavi are laid down on a futon, a small wooden cabinet upon which a small flat-screen television is perched at the foot of their bed. The television is off and both of them are simply laid there in the dark, huddled beneath the white duvet, looking at the ceiling.

Tavi: How do you think the others are doing?

Phil: Dead.

Tavi: Phil...

Phil [Shrugging]: Or wounded. or something. Why should we worry? We're laying in a comfortable bed, about to have a good nights sleep without having to worry about being stabbed.

Tavi: What will they say when they find out we ran?

Phil: The same thing that they'll say to Al, Dick and Dion.

Tavi: We--Wait, they ran?

Phil; Well, did YOU see them as we blindly ran away ourselves?

Tavi [Laying back]: ....Well, as long as they survive.

Phil climbs into the futon beside her, laying on his side and looking at her.

Phil: Of course they will. The best thing we can do now is not worry, call a priest in the morning and tell the bastard to get to Aokigahara.

Tavi: Until then?

Phil [Grinning]: Well, if you're feeling amorou--

Tavi [Bluntly]: No.

Phil: Well, goodnight.

Phil rolls onto his other side, closing his eyes. Tavi simply lays there, looking up at the ceiling.

Tavi; Phil?

Phil [Grunting]: Mm?

Tavi: In the morning, can we go to an onsen?

Phil [Grunting in agreement]: Mm.

Tavi: Then can we go to a restaurant that serves some yakinuku?

Phil [Grunting in agreement]: Mm.

Tavi: We can go to Akihabara?

Phil [Grunting irritably]: Mm.

Tavi: Was that a yes?

Phil [After a moments silence, grunting]: ....Mmhm.

Tavi [Clapping her hands slightly]: Yay!

Tavi flops her head down, closing her eyes. The scene fades to black.


Yet again, the scene opens. However, this time, the scene opens in Tokyo. Despite night encroaching, the city is very much alive and throbbing, the nightlife pulsating a rainbow of neon colours throughout the streets and the maze of alleyways that make up the beautiful city. Inside a Japanese pub, where the salarymen are relaxing and drinking following a hard day at work, Dion, Dick and Al are sat at a long wooden bar, bottles of Sapporo and pint glasses in front of them.

Al [Grinning]: Well, lads, it's Japanese but it's beer, and the Japanese do a good beer, or so i've heard. But, bollocks to it, cause we have certain traditions to follow!

Dion: Like?

Al : Well, we pour eachother drinks, and only then can we drink after giving a cheers!

Dick: Alright then!

Dick takes Al's bottle, and Dion takes Dick's bottle. Dion pours a drink for Dick and Dick pours a drink for Al. Al takes Dion's bottle, pouring a drink for him. Each man raises their glasses, falling silent for a few seconds.

Al: So, cheers?

Dick: How do they say it here?

Dion: Kanpai.

Dick [Smirking]: Bless you.

Dick, Al and Dion thrust their glasses into the air.

Dick, Al and Dion [In unison, energetically]: KANPAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIII!!!!!

Dick: Here's to not dying like wankers!

Dick, Al and Dion [In unison, energetically]: KAAAANNNNNNPAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIII!!!!!

Al: Here's to leaving the retards to die!

Dick, Al and Dion [In unison, energetically]: KAAAAANPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!

Dion: Here's to Tokyo!


They clink their glasses together as the scene finally fades to black.