Friday, 31 October 2014

Halloween Special 2014 - Another Mercenary (Bites The Dust) - Part I

The scene opens up deep within mercenary territory: The Lamb and Flag, to be exact. The howling wind outside, blowing sand through Beale Street, whistles throughout the pub, a sound dulled by the distinct noise of chatter. In the pub itself, Lynch is sitting on the wooden bar, looking ahead at the mercenaries, all of whom are sitting around the circular tables dotted around the room. Dick is stood behind the bar, arms folded and watching as Lynch hops down from the bar, clapping his hands and gaining the attention of his mercenaries.

Lynch: Right, are we all here?

Lynch's eyes dart around the room. Maurice and Moe are stood to the left of the bar, in front of the door to the kitchen with their arms folded. The mechanics are sat around the table closest to the bar. Johnny, Tim, Sal, Billy and Vince are sat around the table closest to the door. Tavi, Phil, Jericho, Steve and Ivan are sat around the table to the right of Johnny's. Jon, Brick, Bill, Samuel, Dean and Karab are sat at the table between the doors to the toilets at the northern end of the room, while Frank, Will, Robbie, Dave and Bob are sat the table behind that which the mechanics are sat. Tavi raises her right arm and suddenly shakes her head. Lynch narrows his eyes, looking over at her.

Tavi: Courtney's not here.

Lynch [Cautiously]: ....Why?

Tavi: Well, I tried to encourage her to come along, said it's gonna be awesome, there might be ghosts and stuff...but she kinda blew me off.

Lynch [Suspiciously]: ........Why?

Tavi [Shrugging]: Said she was gonna go to Maryland instead. Sykesville or Baltimore or somewhere. Then she put on a cowboy hat and a plaid shirt and left.

Phil [Laughing]: BALTIMORE?!

Dave: From one wartorn shithole to an even bigger wartorn shithole! Good on her!

Jericho: And she's now dressing like a fuckin' country bumpkin? Wasn't she a goth or something?

Tavi [Shrugging]: I don't know, guys. She's off on her own path. A non-Goth, hillbilly path.

Jon [Waving his right arm]: Vote her out of the company!

Dave: Why Maryland?

Tavi: New boyfriend.

Dave: Bet he's mentally damaged. Nobody lives in Maryland without mental--

Lynch [Interjecting]: Alright, shut up, we're here to discuss our holiday, not our tiny mentally deranged goth kid. Besides, if we're going to vote anyone out, it'll be Jon.

Jon [Angrily]: WHY ME?!

Brick: Yer too angry!


Frank [Taken aback]: Jon, chill.

Jon [Twisting his body and pointing at Frank]: FUCK YOU, YOU WASTE OF CARBON!!!!!!!!

Johan [Looking over]: Sit down, Jon. You’re just making yourself angrier.

Lynch [Whistling shrilly]: SHUT UP, LADIES! We're here for a very important matter, do you understand?!

Maurice: Aye.

Lynch turns around, clasping his hands on the bar and looking at Dick. Dick nods, turning around and leaning up above the bar, gripping a small piece of string attached to a rolled-up white object. The object unfurls, revealing a large screen used for a projector. The screen, however, has several photographs attached to it. Dick throws Lynch a black pointer which he snatches, vaulting over the bar and turning around to face the mercenaries.

Lynch: So, where should we go for our Halloween holiday?!

Lynch taps a photo depicting an old, decrepit dock, eaten away by age, in front of a dark lake.

Lynch [Grinning hopefully]: Here's a lovely little lake! Good for some fishing and apparently haunted by pirates!

Moe: Where the hell is this lake?!

Lynch: Iowa.

Moe [Taken aback]: Fucking hell, pirates in Iowa? Does anyone even live in Iowa?

Bill: Nobody lives in Iowa. They merely submit to a horrendously painful existence until they die.

Phil [Pointing at a picture on the whiteboard, depicting a skeletal castle in front of a large, dark lake]: Hang on, how about that old, haunted, ancient Scottish castle?

Lynch: Nah, too dark.

Phil: Of course it's too dark, it's a fucking castle! Actually, that's Urquhart Castle too, even better!

Lynch [Narrowing his eyes]: Are you an expert on castles, limey?

Phil: No, I just know that castle. We might find Nessie!

Jericho: I'm voting 'no' simply because it'd end up with us skinny-dipping into the loch. Leading to major shrinkage and crying about sniffles afterwards.

Eligio: Unless you’re Jon, then you’ll just complain about the lake being there!

Jon [Spinning around in his seat and pointing over]: FUCK YOU!

Eligio laughs, flipping the bird at Jon who scowls violently before turning back in his seat to face the photos.

Lynch: Hang on, it's on the edge of a lake?

Lynch looks closer at the photo.

Sal: Well, of course. It's next to Loch Ness.

Lynch: Right, we'll consider the castle filled with skirt-wearing men.

Jon [Pointing at a picture of a skeletal hut in a forest]: How about that abandoned hut in a swamp in the middle of Cousinsmarry, Tennessee?

Lynch [Stroking his chin]: Nah, there's no ghosts or hauntings but far too many inbred killer hillbillies.

Jon: We could visit Brick's family.

Brick [Spitting on the floor]: Fuck you.

Eligio: Nothing like a stand-off with rednecks to get the blood pumping!

Tim: Yes, but can we keep the blood inside our bodies for this trip?! Dave almost lost a finger last time!

Johnny: How is your finger, Dave?

The mercenaries turn their heads to Dave. Dave holds up his right hand: The once torn, mangled finger has been cleaned up and, although the finger itself appears to be red, indicative that it is still healing, the middle section and tip of the finger is crafted of metal, segmented at the joints. Dave slowly clenches his hands, the finger bending slowly as it does.

Dave: Awesome, huh? The Academy says that, given a few more injections, it should respond to my body as if it was my own!

Dave opens his hand and the finger straightens out. Dave stops for a second before a thin blade extends two inches out from where the fingernail would be located.

Mustafa: Woah!

Dave: See? It reacts with my bodies electrical field. All I gotta do is think it and it'll pop out!.....Although I'm never going to scratch my head with it.

Frank: Yeah, i'd think twice about scratching your nose with that thing.

Tavi: Or....y'know.

Dave [Looking over at Tavi]: What?

Tavi coughs slightly, closing her right hand into a fist and jerking it a few times.

Dave [Taken aback]: ....Mash potatoes?

Tavi [With disdain]: Oh, come on, you can’t be THAT dense!

Lynch [Interjecting]: She means jacking off.

Dave [Laughing]: I knew what she meant! I was just jerking her around.

Tavi [Looking over, muttering wryly]: In your dreams, little man.

Dave [Turning in his seat and winking]: Aw, hell, I know it’s in my dreams!

A sudden silence punctuates his remark. Tavi looks flustered and somewhat angry, the fur on her cheeks bristling slightly as Dave face slowly falls, realising his remark.

Robbie [Looking at Dave]: Just shut your mouth.

Dave [Whimpering]: Okay.

Lynch [Pointing at a wooden hut in the middle of a dark forest]: Right, shut about. How about this hut in Germany? In a haunted forest?

Robbie: I like it!

That Other Random Guy: Of course you would!

Johan [Resting his arms on the table]: Can't we get someone with, y'know, room? Not just a small hut?

Karab: Yeah, there are several of us, y'know?

Lynch turns to the board, pointing out a large lodge situated in the midst of a skeletal forest.

Lynch: I like this: This weird lodge in the middle of nowhere. Situated right near a haunted forest, a haunted spring and a haunted shrine. In Japan.

The mercenaries mumble in agreement.

Bob [Giving a thumbs up]: Just the right amount of cliché!

Bill: Sweet! Gonna score me some Jap poontang!

Jon: Can you NOT be so vile? It's 'Japanese'!

Lynch: Well, we've chosen our location. I'll put in the request to Mother and see if we can fly in next week. Make sure you pack everything in advance, though, I don't want any of you scrambling around at the last minute having forgotten things.

Steve: Everyone, pack your cell phones and their chargers. We don't want them to conveniently run out of power.

A murmuring of agreement rolls through the Lamb and Flag.

Bill [Raising his hand]: Pack weapons. And guns. And ammo. Lots of ammo.

Another murmuring of agreement rolls through the Lamb and Flag.

Dave: Don't forget condoms. Horny teenagers always die--

Frank: We're mostly middle-aged men and there's only going to be one female who would snap our necks if we went anywhere near her. We don't have to worry about that.

Every head suddenly turns to Johnny and Tim, who look around.

Johnny: ....I'll pack some.

The mercenaries shrug, murmuring in agreement. Dick slams his palms down on the bar, forcing every mercenary to look over at him.

Dick: I'm coming too!

Lynch: ....Okay? Fuck, what about Al and Dion?

The doors are thrust open: Dion, wearing a turqouise suit, tie and black shirt, and Al, wearing his brown jacket, black trousers, white shirt and red tie, stand in the doorway, bald heads glistening in the sun.

Al: We're coming too!

Dion [Raising his fist]: We demand to join this holiday!....Even though we don't really work.....And I just arrived here.

Lynch [Pointing at]: Fine, but you're contributing the most to paying for our tickets.

Al: Alright!

Lynch slams his fist down on the bar. The mercenaries jump slightly, but Lynch grins.

Lynch [Giddily]: That settles it! THE MERCENARIES ARE OFF TO JAPAN!!

A raucous cheer goes up from the mercenaries, aside from a constant, droning boo from Jon. Bill grasps a bottle of Budweiser, pouring it over Jon's head. The mercenaries laugh and Jon scowls, wiping his face rapidly and flicking his hand, spraying droplets of beer onto Bill.

Bill [Laughing]: Ah, shit, Jon, you need to be happier!

Samuel: Seriously, man, you need to lighten up or you'll be dying of a heart attack by, like, forty.

Jon [Narrowing his eyes]: Fuck you, greenhorn.

Samuel [Irritably]: I'm not a greenhorn, you prick! I'm a veteran!

Frank [Looking over]: He's right, y'know: The boy's earned his spurs. He can drink at the table of the big boys.

Jon [Turning in his chair, leaning over the back and looking at Frank]: I will gut you, cunt.

Lynch: Alright, seriously, Jon, i'm going to see if I can get you some medical marijuana just to make you mellow. You're the most irritable cunt I know.

Jon: I never asked to be here!

Dick takes the pictures down from the screen, collecting them in his hands.

Dick [Calmly]: Jon, I've got a few bags beneath the bar. I'll roll one up, you smoke it and be fucking happy for once.


Maurice [Turning his head and looking at Dick]: 'Ere, what are you doing with weed?

Dick [Shrugging]: I smoke. Between you assholes and running a bar, it's the only moment of relaxation I get.

Johnny [Looking over]: Never would've took a Londoner for a recreational marijuana user. Caviar, maybe, but marijuana?

Dick [Looking over his shoulder]: I'm from Hammersmith, mate, there's enough drugs peddled there to turn Columbia into an economic powerhouse.

Frank: Wait, you're English?

Dick slowly hangs his head.

Moe [In disbelief]: What did you think his accent was, Dutch?!?!?

Frank [Shrugging meekly]: I just thought he was faking it..

Dick [Shaking his head]: Frank, mate, I sometimes wonder whether or not you'd be able to survive without people holding your hand or explaining to you how to breathe occasionally.

Dick turns around, shoving the pictures beneath the bar and placing his hands on the bar, now holding a small remote.

Dave: We all wonder that.

Phil: Man, now that we're going somewhere haunted, someone really is going to have to hold his hand!

Frank: C'mon, Phil, I'm not THAT incompetent.......Am I?

Phil [Thinking]: .....Well....Hm...I guess you're not THAT incompetent. I think you're more of a company mascot, though. Like..."Look, ye Academy, and despair: Here be the man who once drank rocket fuel and gave nary a blink of the eye!"

Dean: Or the time he drank pure ethanol!

Karab: Frank, serious question: How are you still alive?

Frank: I don't know, but knowing this universe, the answer is nanomachines.

Jon [Leaping to his feet, angrily]: NANOMACHINES?!??! THOSE LITTLE FUCKERS!!!! WHERE ARE THEY?!??!!?

Bill [Standing up and pushing down on Jon's right shoulder]: Alright, alright, calm down, calm down...No nanomachines here...

Frank: Well, anyway, the holiday has been confirmed, so let's watch some ECW!


Lynch laughs, vaulting over the bar as Dick aims his remote up at the ceiling, pressing a button. One of the tiles slowly descends from the ceiling, holding a large projector in. With the click of a second button, the projector turns on, eliciting a roar of approval from the mercenaries.

Lynch: Well, why not? White trash men will love white trash sports..

Dick [Placing a bottle of Budweiser on the bar]: Yeah, well, be careful: They're an impressionable lot.

Lynch takes the bottle, taking a swig and raising his eyebrows in agreement.


Having made landfall at Tokyo International Airport, the mercenaries, armed with ill-fitting Hawaiian shirts, tacky and dull cargo shorts and black socks with sandals, made haste on their journey to their guest house. Not a ryokan, a traditional Japanese inn, their hotel promises moderate comforts in exchange for being situated in one of the most accursed places in Japan.

Heading on foot to their hotel, their trek takes them through Aokigahara Forest. This magnificent forest, lying on the North-West base of Mount Fuji, is beautiful and breath-taking. The ground is made of volcanic rock, much tougher than dirt, adding a slight crackle to the steps of the mercenaries as they walk forward. Emerald leaves crunch beneath their boots, twigs snap but nary is an animal heard. The dense covering of trees and their striking green leaves gives a slight green hue to their surroundings, the setting sun scattering bursts of orange through the canopy of leaves above their heads.

Fortunately for the mercenaries, they will enjoy a very peaceful forest with little to no noise from animals, the wind completely dulled by the thick covering of trees. Unfortunately, Aokigahara has a very macabre reputation, its popularity as a suicide spot reaching almost mythical levels not only in Japan but around the world. The constant presence of death mingles with the nature, leading to an odd stillness and a musty, deep smell around the forest.

Unfortunately for the mercenaries as well, all have them have elected to wear different colours of Hawaiian shirts, beige cargo shirts and white trainers with black socks, mirroring naive American tourists. All except Tavi, clad in her usual outfit, Will, clad in an obscene turquoise dress shirt, stonewash jeans and brown leather shoes, Lynch, who has the addition of a fishing hat and is visibly carrying several fishing rods in his backpack, and Dion who is wearing a pale blue polo shirt with a pink collar, red Bermuda shorts and sandals, are clad in these garish outfits, carrying backpacks and shoulder bags with them.

Dave [Sniffing loudly]: This place stinks.

Lynch [Muttering]: How far away is this fucking place?

Dick: Isn't it in the middle of this goddamn forest?

Lynch: Yeah...

Al: Then bloody shut up, and keep walking!

Tavi [Muttering]: You all should've worn something nicer.

Phil: Hey, I thought we were intentionally dressing up as dumb Yank tourists! All you need is a baggy lumberjack shirt and jeans, Tavi, and you can join our ranks!

Tavi [Scowling]: I'd rather mutilate my genitals with a rusty meat hook than wear a lumberjack shirt. Those are for fat lumberjacks, rednecks and hipsters who wish they were rednecks.

Frank [Breathing heavily]: Hey.....lumberjack...shirts....ain't....bad...

Jericho: You're kind of proving her point there, Frank.

Dave [Muttering]: Yeah, Frank, nobody follows your advice on fashion anyway.

Will: Well, if you did, you'd actually look good!

Bill [Looking over his shoulder at Will]: How can you even walk in that shit? I'm fucking hot!

Dion: Yes, you should try wearing something sensible!

Johnny [Jabbing his thumb towards Dion]: Yeah, like Dion.

Lynch: Well, fuck me sideways: Dion hasn't even been with us for two weeks and already more people like him than they like you, Will.

Will [Turning his nose up]: I don't need your acceptance, you filthy plebs!

Eligio: Well, you'll never get it!

Bobby [Standing up straighter, looking at Lynch’s back]: Hey, Lynch, what's with the fishing equipment?

Lynch: I like fishing. I heard there's a lake close to the forest.

Vince: Lake Saiko.

Lynch: Yeah, that.

Melvin: How do you even know these things?

Vince [Sighing]: My dear random guy, I study! I have studied a lot about Japan! I can even speak Japanese!

Mustafa [Muttering quietly]: Not your average weeaboo.

Eligio: I don’t know: With that hair, I would say he’s not your average weeabear.

The path gets slightly more threadbare, the layer of trees ahead of them getting thinner. After a few more paces, they come into a large clearing, within which is a large building.

What they see is very much a Western-style inn. It's a large building, extending a fair amount of distance to their left and to their right. The building appears to be constructed out of sturdy grey stones, roughly carved to give a rustic and somewhat haunted look, with a slightly-angled gabled roof of ruby red tiles, making it appear almost flat. The exterior decor itself is also quite Western, with arched windows across the second floor and on the first floor.  In the centre of the first floor, ahead of them, is a set of two large wooden double doors with four concrete steps leading up to them. Above the door, for some reason, appears to a large stone gargoyle, its grotesque features worn down by the weather.

Jon [Pointing]: Gargoyle. This isn't Japan: We somehow came to Germany instead.

Lynch: The inn is a Western-style bed and breakfast. It was on the picture, Jon.

Jon [Coldly]: Fuck the picture. This is clearly Germany.

Vince: Look, just shut up. Let's go inside.

Lynch: Right. Men, woman, before we go inside, remember to follow traditional Japanese custom. Do not offend anyone.

Phil: Fuck, Bob won't like that.

Bob [Yelping]: TENTACLES!!!!

Eligio [Laughing]: YOU SAID IT, BOB!


Ivan [Sighing]: Fine.

The mercenaries continue trudging up the dirt path, breathing heavily amongst themselves.

Dick: You all sound like dying walruses.

Samuel: It's a lot of walking!

Lynch [Grunting]: Mm. Well, it's nice and secluded. Nobody will bother us.

Frank [Cautiously]: Or hear our screams.

Steve [Interjecting]: As we're violently disembowelled and our entrails are scattered across the floor.

Ivan [Looking at Steve]: You veally do have some problems, friend.

Lynch: Anyway, we need to figure out room arrangements. As in who is staying with who--

Tavi [Laughing breathlessly]: Yeah, fuck that, I'm on my own.

Phil: Me, Jerry, Ivan and Steve will share a room.

Steve: Remember, Phil: No banjolele playing.

Phil: Ain't got it with me, Steve.

Al: Well, being the best damn barman in the entire United Kingdom, United States, United Nations and United Arab Emirates, I say that I have my own room!

Dion: No, us establishment owners will bunk together!

Al [Bluntly, turning his head to Dion]: You what?

Lynch: Good idea!

Dick [Mumbling]: Bad idea..

Lynch: Shut up and be happy.

Frank: We're all wearing Hawaiian shirts, we are happy.

Tavi walks past them, wearing a denim jacket, jeans and a white t-shirt.

Tavi [Muttering]: You disgust me. All of you.

Dave: Me and Robbie will share a room.

Lynch: Cool.

Billy: Aye, i'll stay with Vince and Sal, make sure they don't get up to anythin'.

Lynch: Got it.

Eligio: Me and my friends will stick together! Melvin can sleep on the floor!

Melvin whines, but Marcos slaps him around the back of his head.

Marcos: You still haven't earned your forgiveness for letting Eligio get kidnapped.

Lynch: Hopefully they'll have a big room, then. I'm staying on my own...Johnny, Tim, are you two sharing?

Johnny [Giving the thumbs up]: Yeah.

Dean: Me, Samuel and Karab will share.

Karab: Fine.

Dean [Rolling his eyes]: Don't let yourself sound too excited..

Frank: What about me?

Bill: ...And me.

Lynch: Bill, you bunk with Brick and Jon. Bob, Moe, Maurice? You three take care of Frank.

Maurice [Angrily]: YA BASTARD!!

Lynch [Suppressing a smirk]: That's me. Right, is that everyone?

Frank: Yeah..

The mercenaries walk closer to the inn.

Jericho: Wow, it looks......

Tim: Rustic?

Tavi: So rustic it's going to fall down around our ears.

Lynch jogs up the steps and walks towards the double doors, gazing up at them before grasping the bronze handles and shoving them open. The doors creak violently, a sudden gust of wind blowing outwards at the mercenaries, covering them in a musty smell, as if the accommodation hasn't been inhabited for many years. Lynch coughs, reeling backwards and wafting his hand in front of his face.

Lynch: Fuck, that smells.

Jericho: Looks ominous.

Frank: Let's go, I gotta pee!

The mercenaries follow Lynch, walking up the steps and into the main hallway. Rectangular in shape, there is a staircase to their left and to their right, winding up in a semi-circular pattern to the second floor, with handrails of dusty oak and carpets of scarlet lining them. The staircases lead up to a balcony that extends around the perimeter of the second floor ahead of them, to their left and to their right. On the right side of the second level, roughly in the middle of the wall, is a pair of large oak double doors, with an identical set-up on the left side. Directly to their right on the ground floor is a single wooden door, the mystery somewhat extinguished by the buzzing green light indicating that the door is part of a Fire Exit. Directly ahead of them, beneath the balcony and situated between and beyond two large wooden pillars which hold up the balcony, perfectly framing it, is a large set of double doors, akin to the ones they entered through but with handles and hinges of polished brass rather than iron. In the middle of the ceiling, ominously above them, sits a chandelier, its grand aesthetic tarnished with strings of cobwebs climbing up the chain and to the ceiling, the brass coated with thick layers of dust.

Dean [Looking up]: Yeah, this place is definitely haunted.

Phil: ...I've gotta agree with that one.

Sal [Pointing up]: Look at that fucking chandelier! It hasn't been cleaned since we bombed Hiroshi--


Sal looks taken aback before whistling innocently to himself. The double doors ahead of them open, revealing a somewhat petite figure: Clad in a solid black kimono with a red obi and red sleeve cuffs, even this petite woman cuts an imposing figure, something magnified by the fact she is wearing a white surgical mask and her hair is tied up into a tight bun behind her.

Vince [Grinning]: Well, hell--

Will [Whistling]: Hello, baby, how bout'cha take off that mask and get acquainted with the Studlin?

Owner: No, thank you. I'm ill.

Will [Shrugging]: Your loss, baby.


Tavi [Scowling]: Yes, be nice, Will. They wear masks if they're ill to prevent them from spreading disease. I wish the West would do that, the filthy fuckers.

Jon: Fuck you--

That Other Random Guy slaps Jon around the back of his head. Jon stumbles forward, twisting around and growling angrily as That Other Random Guy holds out his arms, daring Jon to try something.

That Other Random Guy [Grinning inanely]: Go ahead.

Lynch [Twisting his head, through gritted teeth]: Shut the fuck up. All of you.

Owner: So, you are the men and woman who booked this lodge?

Lynch: Yep.

Owner [Looking at Tavi]: Will she remain in costume for the remainder of the stay?

Lynch looks over his shoulder at Tavi, who responds by scowling, before looking at the Owner.

Lynch: Yep. She's a......professional..........y'know....

Vince [Stepping forward]: Professional cosplayer.

The owner looks at Vince. Lynch's face sours violently as he turns his head to look at Vince.

Owner [Nodding]: I understand. Welcome to Hotel Jisatsu.

Lynch: Well, it's nice to be here!

Vince [Eyes darting around]: Uh, guys--

Lynch [Calmly]: Shut up, Vince.  Anyway, it's very nice to be here: I have some room arrangements. Listen carefully cause there's a lot of us here. I want my own room. A nice room.

Owner: East Wing. Room A.

Lynch: Another room for our resident cosplayer.

Tavi scowls.

Owner: East Wing. Room C.

The owner hands a key to Lynch: A bronze key engraved with the letter "C". Lynch hands it to her.

Lynch: Right, we need a room for six men: Four of them could snap a person in half, one of them is a violent narcissist and two of them are skinny white boys.

Owner: ....East Wing. Room B. It's our largest room.

The owner hands Lynch a key, and he throws it to Eligio who catches it.

Lynch: Right: Jon, Brick and Bill. Step forward.

Jon, Bill and Brick walk forward.

Owner: Room D.

The owner hands Lynch the key, and Lynch hands it to Bill.

Bill: Sweet, our own room.

Lynch: Robbie, Dave, step forward.

Robbie and Dave step forward. Lynch is handed the key which he hands to Robbie.

Owner: Room E.

Lynch: Billy, Sal, Vince!

Billy, Sal and Vince step forward.

Vince: Um, guys--

Sal: Shut up.

The owner hands Lynch the key, which he throws to Billy who catches it.

Owner: Room F.

Lynch: Frank, Bob, Maurice and Moe.

The owner hands Lynch a key, which he throws to Frank. Frank quickly catches it.

Owner: Room A-Two. That is on the eastern wing.

The owner points to her left. Frank looks up to his right at the double doors, giving a nod.

Frank: Alright.

Lynch: Johnny, Tim: Step up.

Johnny and Tim walk forward.

Owner: Room B-Two.

Lynch turns around, handing the key to Johnny.

Johnny: Cheers.

Lynch: Dean, Karab and Samuel!

Dean, Karab and Samuel step forward.

Owner: Room C-Two.

Lynch is handed the key and he hands the key to Dean

Lynch: Phil, Jericho, Steve and Ivan!

Owner: Room D-Two.

Lynch is handed the key and he twists, throwing the key to Steve who catches it.

Lynch: And, finally, Dick, Al and Dion, get your beer-swilling asses up here.

Dick, Al and Dion step forward as the owner hands Lynch another key.

Owner: Room E-Two.

Lynch throws the key to Dick who catches it.

Dick: Sweet.

Owner [Clearing her throat]: You will find all the rooms are equipped identically. Rooms A, B and C, however, have the addition of a desk and a bath. Since Room F-Two isn't being used, I ask you not to break into it.

Lynch: We won't.

Owner: Through the doors behind me is the dining room. There is a door in this room that also leads to the lounge area, filled with books for you to pass the time. Until then, I bid you all goodnight.

The owner bows deeply, turning around and walking back through the double doors. Lynch turns around, looking at his mercenaries.

Lynch: Right, head off to your rooms.

Phil: When do we meet up?

Lynch [Taken aback]: I don't want to see any of you bastards until tomorrow.

Karab: What about food?

Owner [Interjecting]: We have a spread of cold food available. Traditional fare designed to satiate any appetite. You can visit any time. I will be cooking a traditional breakfast in the morning.

Vince [Rubbing his hands together]: Excellent! I'll be right back!

Vince bounds past the mercenaries, shoving the double doors into the dining room open and slamming them behind him.

Bill [Jabbing his thumb at the dining room]: Yeah, i'll join him and eat.

Billy: Same.

Sal: And me--

Lynch [Desperately]: FUCKING LEAVE, THEN! Seriously, I don't want anyone to bother me. Don't announce when you're leaving. Don't ask me to use the toilet. Don't ask me for ANYTHING! JUST DO WHAT YOU WANT WITHIN THE PREMISES! Don't fucking leave, don't fucking bother me, just live, you useless bastards!!

The mercenaries disperse, all of whom appear to be heading up the stairs and towards their respective rooms. Lynch watches them, closing his eyes and letting out a deep sigh that sounds somewhat thankful for the peace.

Lynch: About damn time..


Upstairs, in the eastern wing, Phil, Steve, Jericho and Ivan have the first bedroom, the door to the left just after entering from the balcony. The bedroom is decorated with dark colours, with dark red wallpaper and mahogany forming the wooden skirting boards and door of the room. Immediately upon entering the room, there is a small room to the right with a mahogany door, behind which is the bathroom. Directly opposite the door is a large window, decorated with thin nets which blow slightly from a breeze of an unknown source. There are two single beds, mattresses with white duvets on a wooden frame, against the left wall, and two against the right wall. A lone oak nightstand, with a dusty old lamp, stands between the beds to the left, while a small set of wooden drawers is between the beds on the right.

Phil is standing and facing the window, hands on the windowsill as he gazes out of the window and into Aokigahara. Steve is setting on the right-hand bed that is closest to the window, with Ivan sitting on the bed next to it.

Steve: Please be careful, Phil...I'm getting bad vibes from this place...

Phil: I'm just going to open the window.

Phil grasps the window, wrenching violently at it before pulling it open. The windowpane lets loose a cracking sound as gusts of wind blow into the room, whipping the nets roughly. Phil grasps the window, pulling down: The window now does not move.

Phil: Shit, it's stuck.

Steve [Looking over]: Be careful!

Phil grasps the window, pulling violently at it. For some reason, Phil leans out of the window, bending over backwards with half of his torso outside, grasping the window and pulling violently at it. Without warning, the window suddenly begins to slam shut violently, striking Phil in the chest!

Phil [Screaming violently]: OH MY GOD!!!!!

Steve gasps loudly, spinning around and looking at the window. Phil grasps the window, pushing it open and wriggling back inside, falling onto his rear below the window as he rubs his chest, coughing slightly.

Steve: PHIL?!?!

Phil: That winded me!

Steve [Angrily, pointing at Phil]: I told you to be fucking careful!!

Ivan [Turning the page on his book]: Yes, be careful.

Phil [Rubbing his chest]: I'll keep that in mind...

Phil sighs, flopping on the bed opposite Ivan's. Ivan slowly lowers the book, looking over at him.

Ivan: You're not going to eat?

Phil [Shrugging]: Nah.

Steve [Sitting on the bed to the right of Phil's]: We should do....something. We can't sit here all night.

The toilet flushes and Jericho walks out of the bedroom, buckling his belt. His trench coat slung over his right shoulder, he throws it onto the bed next to Ivan's, flopping down and rolling up his shirt sleeves.

Jericho: Any plan, lads?

Phil: None.

Jericho [Crawling up his bed and laying down on it, loosening his tie]: Gonna be a shit night, then.

Steve: I imagine it's the same for everyone else. At least we can't kill ourselves here. Place is too boring to do so.


Sal, Billy, Bill and Vince, meanwhile, are standing in front of the buffet table in the Dining Room. A large, sprawling room, with several red-painted circular wooden columns holding up the ceiling, it appears quite empty as the tables and the chairs, wooden and threadbare, are stacked up in the far left of the room. Only the buffet table is set out, covered in silver platters stacked with a variety of food....which appears to be mostly Western, with chips, dip, mini hamburgers, mini hotdogs, nachos and sliced pizza laid out across the long, wooden table which extends from left to right across three quarters of the room. The only Japanese item of food appears to be a large platter of well-crafted onigiri, none of which have been touched. Sal takes a slice of pepperoni pizza, folding it and taking a bite.

Sal [Nodding]: Good. None of that organic stuff.

Sal turns around: To the right of the double doors into the room is a single wooden door. Sal absent-mindedly walks towards it, eating his pizza as he does.

Bill [Grinning]: Pander to the Americans. This is what I like to see.

Vince [Grumbling]: Can eat this shit at home...

Bill: Hey, it's still Japanese!

Billy: Nah, Vince ain't happy til he eats some tentacles--

Vince [Rolling his eyes]: GOD, can't you guys get ANY new material? Tentacles? REALLY?!

Bill takes a handful of nachos, shrugging.

Bill: Why bother? It pisses you off and that's good enough for me.

Vince [Angrily]: Son of a--

Sal opens the door and walks into the room, slamming it shut behind him. The door has opened into a fairly small lounge room, but one which appears quite wall decorated, with black and gold striped wallpaper, mahogany skirting boards and a fireplace to Sal's right, directly in the middle of the wall with a stone chimney leading upwards, an odd feature for a Japanese house. Sal steps into the room and looks behind him: Covering the wall are several shelves, topped with leather-bound books. An ornate, carved mirror is leant against the wall to the left of the fireplace. The Owner turns to face Sal, having arranged the books on the shelves.

Sal [Walking over to the fireplace]: Hey, a fireplace.

Owner: Be careful. The wind has picked up and the fireplace has a nasty habit of spewing out flames.

Sal: What's the worst that could happen?!

Sal chuckles to himself, walking over to the fireplace and taking a box of matches, squatting in front of the fireplace which is filled with fresh logs, cut in half, and complete with balled up bunches of paper to assist with lighting the fire. Sal lights a match and lights two bunches of paper. THE FLAMES ROAR VIOLENTLY AS THE PAPER AND LOGS BEGIN TO BE CONSUMED IN FIRE! Sal simply stands back, looking at the fireplace and nodding.

Sal [Smugly]: See? Nothing has gone wrong and nothing will.

A sudden gust of wind bursts out and a stream of fire bursts towards Sal who screams, covering his face. He lowers his arms, quickly grasping his shirt which was set alight and throwing it into the flames, dusting off his bare chest which appears unharmed, aside from a few singed, crisp hairs.

Sal [Sighing darkly]: Goddammit!

Owner: I told you to be careful.

Sal sighs, dusting himself off as the door creaks open and Vince walks in, looking around.

Vince [Awestruck]: This place is amazing..

Vince stops, looking over at Sal who is dusting off his bare chest, wincing as he does. He sniffs the air, smelling burnt fabric.

Vince [Looking at Sal cautiously]: I hope you have a good explanation for this.

Sal: ..........I lit the fire. Wind came. Burnt.

Vince [Nodding slowly]: Riiiiiiiiiiight.

Sal [Looking over at the owner]: So...I see books...You....don't have a television?

Owner: Just books. Plenty of books.

Sal sighs, throwing up his arms before walking over to a bookshelf and folding his arms, examining the plethora of leather-bound books. The owner watches carefully, stepping to the side as Sal strokes his chin.

Vince: At least it's a nice place to stay!

Sal [Muttering]: Yeah, I suppose..

The door opens: Dave and Robbie walk in, apparently oblivious to Sal and Vince being in the room.

Dave: Man, this place is big. Just a shame we couldn't bring Lupa along for the journey. She'd have loved it.

Robbie [Coldly]: Sometimes, I think you love that dog more than you love--

Robbie stops himself, eyeing Dave cautiously. Both men turn their heads, looking at Sal who is standing there, watching and grinning.

Sal [Brightly]: IS LOVE IN THE AIR?!

Dave: Fuck off, Sal, do you want to lick Vince's butthole? Cause you hang around him often enough! And why are you shirtless? Trying to impress your big gay weeabear?

Vince [Angrily]: Hey, if I was gay, I could do far better than Sal!

Sal [Spinning around and pointing at Vince]: SCREW YOU! YOU COULD NEVER DO BETTER THAN ME!

Owner [Quietly, to herself]: What interesting people..

Billy strolls into the lounge area, looking around.

Billy: What's up, lads? Sal: What the fuck?

Sal [Gritting his teeth]: Just Dave and Robbie.

Billy: Nae, I was talkin’ about yeh lack of a shirt!

Sal [Pointing at the floor where his crumpled Hawaiian shirt is]: I BURNT IT LIGHTING THE FIRE! LEAVE ME ALONE!

Billy just laughs, clapping his hands and shutting the door behind him as he looks around the room.

Billy: Bloody hell, this room is small, we cannae all fit in here!

Robbie: Well, get used to it: There's an entire company of mercenaries here.

Sal [Sighing]: WHY?!

Dave: .....Because we all agreed to? For Halloween?

Sal: BUT WHY?!?!

Dave [Cocking an eyebrow]: Because this place is haunted. Supposedly. Or creepy.

Owner: Yes, this place does suffer from hauntings.

The mercenaries fall silent, all turning their head towards the owner who simply stands there with a blank expression on her face. Billy remains silent before giving a small nod towards the owner.

Billy: ....Right, alrigh', I'm going off tae my room. I'll see you lads there later.

Billy shakes his head, walking out of the room. The door is left open as Frank walks in, shutting it behind him.

Frank: Woah, are we all in here?

Dave: No. This room is barely fitting us four in here. Well, five. Well....six.

Robbie [Coldly]: Learn to count, will you?

Dave scoffs, storming out of the room as Robbie follows. Sal watches them before looking over his shoulder at Vince.

Sal: ...Y'know, i'm pretty sure those two are together.

Vince: Well, yeah, they're always together.

Sal [Tutting]: No, I mean...y'know..

Sal pushes his index fingers together. Vince raises his right eyebrow.

Vince: Seriously?

Sal: Well, yeah.

Vince: Sal, I think they're just good friends. Good friends can hate eachother with a passion too, y'know.

Sal: ...Like that time you tried to smother me as I slept because I threw your Applejack plush into the fire?

Vince [Through gritted teeth]: Yes...

Frank walks over to the mirror, looking down at it.

Frank: ...What is this?

Owner: It is a mirror dating back to the period of Sengoku Jidai.

Frank looks blankly at the mirror.

Vince: Basically, the Warring States period, where the Japanese lords fought relentlessly over land. Over the 13th and 14th centuries.

Frank: So, like the War of Northern Aggression?

Vince [Shrugging]: Yeah, yeah, pretty much, you filthy fucking Johnny Reb.

Frank looks at Vince, narrowing his eyes angrily.

Frank [Quietly]: That sounds like Yankee talk to me.

Vince steps forward, squatting down and looking into the mirror.

Vince: Quite an old mirror. Amazing it survived through the wars.

Frank sidesteps, standing directly behind Vince.

Owner: Indeed, it is. It's quite valuable.

Vince: I can imagine..

Frank swings his foot forwards, aiming at Vince's rear. Vince gets to his feet and walks away as Frank swings the foot forward, slamming it into the mirror. With a horrendous crash, the mirror shatters into several shards. Vince spins around, glaring at Frank. The colour simply drains from Frank's face as he looks at the mirror, and then at the Owner who, oddly, appears unperturbed. Sal watches on, suppressing laughter.

Frank [Shocked]: ...Oops.


Owner: That was foolish.

Frank: [Eyes widening]: ....Yeah....I gotta........go tell Lynch....

Owner [Coldly]: That he'll be paying for it?

Frank: ...I........fuck.

Frank bursts through the door, sprinting out of the room. Vince  squats down, picking up a few shards of the mirror before looking at the door.

Vince: Y'know, we really should shoot him one of these days.

Owner [Calmly]: If you do it here, I won't tell.

Sal [Grinning]: Sweet!


In Jon, Brick and Bill's room, set up exactly the same as the other rooms, Jon is sprawled out onto the bed next to the window. Bill is lying on the bed to his left while Brick is laid in the bed at the foot of Jon's bed, fiddling with something in his lap. Jon's eyes dart around in his skull, taking in the room.

Jon: I'm very suspicious of this place.

Bill: You're suspicious of everything.

Jon [Sighing]: Fucking bored.

Brick sits up, holding a hastily rolled joint of marijuana in his hands. He flicks a lighter, quickly lighting it and putting it in his mouth.

Bill [Sitting up]: Damn, Brick, you lighting up already?

Brick: Yep.

Jon: ...Why?

Brick: Take a smoke and see for yerself.

Brick takes a deep drag, holding it into his lungs before holding it out to Jon. Jon eyes the rolled joint suspiciously before sitting up, leaning forward and taking it hesitantly, looking at it. Brick lets out a mouthful of smoke, coughing slightly as he flops back on the bed.

Brick [Quietly]: Sheeeittt....I can sleep now...

Jon [Looking at Bill hesitantly]: Seriously?

Bill: Hey, I don't touch that shit, but considering how happy Brick is and how much he supposedly smokes, it can't be that bad for you.

Jon: Yeah, but Brick's borderline retarded!

Bill [Impatiently]: Look, Jon, just put it in your mouth, inhale, hold for a few seconds and exhale. Then lie back and shut the fuck up.

Jon sighs, shrugging and taking the joint between his lips, taking a long drag. He pulls the joint away, holding his breath for a few seconds before coughing out puffs of smoke, gasping and looking at the joint and smacking his lips.

Jon: Fucking hell, that shit's lethal!

Bill takes the joint, stubbing it on the bedside table. Jon simply lays back, placing his hands on his stomach.

Bill: Better?

Jon: When will I feel the effects?

Bill: Shortly. Meanwhile, I'm going to take a shit since you're both spacing out.

Bill whistles to himself, hopping off of the bed and walking over to the bathroom door, shoving it open and slamming it shut behind him. Jon simply lays there, eyes darting around nervously.

Jon: Brick?

Brick [Grunting calmly]: Mmmm?

Jon: This is.....beginners stuff, right? Not like weed so powerful it could make a man rip off his own eyelids?

Brick [Giving a thumbs up]: Boy, it's some goooooodddd stuff...Just for mellowing out....

Jon breathes out, his body slowly going limp as, against all odds, a smile begins to creep across his face.

Jon [Calmly]: ....Y'know....I like this feeling.....

Brick: Damn right...but, bud, y'all gonna get the munchies real bad...

Jon [Laughing]: Ah, shit, we'll raid that buffet later...

Brick [Sitting up]: The buffet..........yeah!..

Brick laughs to himself, flopping back onto bed and spreading his arms and legs, pretending to make a snow angel. Jon simply lays there, grinning to himself.


In the Eastern wing of the inn, at the very end of the hallway, is Lynch's room. Frank slowly trudges up the hallway.

Frank [Sighing, mumbling to himself]: I didn't ask for this shit. I'd rather be home in Tucson. Better than fucking Japan. Fuck Japan, seriously. Why Japan? This place smells funny and they don't eat with a knife and fork. They eat with sticks. I hate sticks....So thirsty...Want drink....Man, i'd kill for some Jack right now..

Frank reaches the end of the hallway, turning to his right and stepping forward. He sighs, rolling his shoulders and knocking on the door.

Lynch: Come in.

Frank opens the door and walks into the room. Lynch's room, similar to the other rooms, has a key difference: A king-size bed against the right-hand wall and a desk at the foot of it, which Lynch is sitting at, busy fiddling with lures while wearing a canvas fishing hat. Lynch turns his head, looking at Frank. The moment he spots Frank, Lynch sighs, hanging his head.

Lynch: What did you do, drunkard?

Frank: I broke a mirror. An old one.

Lynch sighs, slamming his fists on the desk and causing some of the lures to fall to the floor.


Lynch slams his fishing hat onto the desk, gazing around his bedroom.

Lynch [Darkly]: They don't pay me enough to put up with your shit. Where are the others?

Frank: Sleeping. Mostly.

Lynch: What do you mean 'mostly'?

Frank [Shrugging]: Bob is wandering around aimlessly. Bill is sharpening his knives. Will's trying to chat up the Owner, Dean, Karab and Samuel are doing something with a ouija board, Jericho is cleaning his guns, Phil is downstairs eyeing up furniture--

Lynch [Impatiently]: Fucking hell, that means only some of them are asleep!

Frank: Brick is carving his name into the furniture and Steve is busy trying to find and contact spirits. Oh, and Tavi is clearly tired and trying to fix something because I walked past her room and heard moaning and buzzing.

Lynch: Yeah. 'Fixing something'.

Frank: And by that, I mean she's mastur--


Frank: Sorry, Lynch.

Lynch [Sighing darkly]: Go tell them to sleep. We're up early in the morning and if they whine, I am going to snap their limbs one by one!!

Frank [Hanging his head]: Alright..

Frank turns around, trudging through the open door and shutting it behind him. Lynch pushes his chair away, gripping the desk and slamming his head violently down onto it before getting to his feet.

Lynch [Pointing at his door, grumbling quietly]: One of these days, I'll make a proper fuckin' soldier out of you.

Lynch sighs, walking over to the bathroom and shoving it open. The bathroom is identical to the others, with the addition of a walk-in shower directly to the right. Lynch turns his head, looking in the shower: In the tray, a doll is laid there, undressed and with a bushel of artificial brown hair on its scalp. Strangely enough, a third leg appears to be poking out from the abdomen of the doll, coloured bright purple. Lynch leans down, grasping the doll and picking it up.

Lynch [Bluntly]: What the hell is this?

Lynch looks at the doll, turning it around before looking at the purple leg. He simply walks over to the toilet, dropping the doll in and flushing it down the toilet.

Lynch [Calmly]: This place is just too fucking weird.


In the hallway of the Eastern Wing of bedrooms, Frank is standing in the doorway to the door of the room hosting Johan, Eligio, Marcos, Mustafa, Bobby, Melvin and That Other Random Guy. Directly to the right of Lynch's room, it appears to be similar to the other bedrooms, meaning that many inhabitants have had to improvise with sleeping arrangements: Melvin is busy setting up a duvet on the floor while That Other Random Guy is fastened tightly into a dark blue sleeping bag as he sits at the desk, reading from an Amazon Fire tablet on the desk. Johan is sitting on the bed closest to the desk while Mustafa lays on the bed opposite of his. Marcos is sat on the bed to the left of Mustafa's, reading a book. Bobby walks into the bathroom as Frank talks to Eligio, who is looking at Frank warily.

Eligio: So, you want money to..............?

Frank: Pay for a mirror I smashed that dates back several centuries.


That Other Random Guy [Looking over]:  What's he done?

Eligio [Looking over his shoulder]: Broke a fucking mirror!

Johan [Chuckling]: Frank, brother, you need to be a lot more careful.

Frank: I tried! I was kicking Vince in his fat ass and he moved, meaning I kicked the mirror!

Eligio: A noble cause, but I never became rich by letting idiots like you borrow money from me!

Eligio chuckles, shrugging and slamming the door shut in Frank's face. Frank sighs, turning and walking up the hallway. He walks out of the double doors directly ahead of him, slowly walking downstairs and looking around. Tavi walks out from a door to the right of the balcony, breathing heavily and gripping the railing, looking over it. Phil is standing in the main hallway, cup of tea in hand as he looks up at a large chandelier, decorated lavishly with crystals and seemingly left in a state of disrepair, with dust and cobwebs removing its once-impressive sheen.

Frank: Hey Phil, what's up?

Phil: Just admiring this chandelier i'm thinking of stealing.

Tavi [Calling downwards]: Can't you go anywhere without thinking of stealing something?!

Phil: Nope!

Bill walks out from the dining room, shoving open the double doors.

Bill: Hey fellas. Frank, heard you did something stupid.

Samuel [Walking out from behind Bill]: What did he do?

Frank [Shrugging]: Well...something.

Karab and Dean walk out from behind Samuel. Karab is carrying a ouija board in his arms and Dean is carrying a fire poker, looking around suspiciously. Jericho walks out from a door on the left-hand balcony, walking over to the edge of it and leaning over the railing.

Jericho: Hey, ladies, get to bed!

Phil: Fuck you! We want to know what Frank did!

Bill walks directly under the chandelier, putting his hands on his hips.

Bill: What did you do?

Samuel looks up, eyeing the chandelier nervously as it shakes slightly. Karab stands beside him, also looking up at the chandelier.

Karab: Why can these houses not get decent decorators?

Frank: I just broke an old mirror.

Phil: Isn't that, like, thirteen years bad luck?

Frank [Shrugging]: It was old.

Jericho [Stepping forward]: Maybe it was haunted.

Bill [Laughing]: Please, a haunted mirr--?

The chandelier snaps from its screws and plummets down, crushing Bill as it smashes violently into the floor, spraying foul-smelling plaster and shards of glass across the floor as it does. The mercenaries stand there, wide-eyed.

Dean [Panicking]; OH GOD, BILL?!?!?!?

The mercenaries glare at the chandelier, frozen in fear. Until Bill's right hand pushes itself out from under the chandelier and gives the thumbs up.

Bill [Straining]: Nope, i'm good!

Phil [Hands on the side of his head, exasperated]: Jesus, Bill, how did you survive?!

Bill [Making a shrugging motion with his hand]: Y'know, I don't know. Pretty cool, huh?

Samuel: Bill, your bones should be dust and your organs should be a mush.

Bill: Hey, i'm fine. I mean, don't fucking bother rushing to get this chandelier off of me or anything.

Tavi [Wide-eyed]: Bill, nobody should be able to survive that.

Bill [Angrily, Impatiently]: WELL I FUCKING DID! HELP ME!

Phil, Samuel, Dean and Jericho rush forward, gripping the frame of the fallen chandelier. Dean and Samuel, on the right side, pull the chandelier towards them as Phil and Jericho push the chandelier towards Dean and Samuel. Dean and Samuel jolt backwards as, with creaking and the sound of cracking glass, the chandelier is pulled off of Bill who hops up to his feet, dusting glass off of himself. Aside from several deep scratches to his forearms and a nasty gash under his left eye, Bill appears no worse for wear.

Bill [Dusting himself off]: Man, that was some freaky shit.

Tavi: Bill, you survived being crushed. Are you a ghost or something?

Bill pinches his arm, wincing in pain and shaking his hand.

Bill: Nope, still alive.

Bill whistles to himself, walking up the right-hand staircase.

Samuel [Watching]: Uh, Bill, one of those steps is pretty fragile.

Bill slams his right foot down on the step above his current step, watching as the wood splinters and shatters, falling inwards and leaving a cavernous hole.

Bill: That one?

Samuel: Yeah.

Bill steps over the broken step, whistling to himself as he ascends the staircase and walks around the balcony, entering through the right hand door and shutting it behind him.

Phil: Right, huddle.

Tavi, Samuel, Dean, Karab, Jericho, Frank and Phil get into a close-knit circle.

Phil [Quietly]: Right, something isn't right here. This place clearly violates several health and safety codes. If I sneeze, this place is coming down--

Samuel: Could it be haunted?

The others look at Samuel, who shrugs, before looking back into the huddle.

Phil [Quietly]: Alright, Samuel's lost it which means Dean is probably next--

Dean: Hey!

Phil: So, what's going to happen is this: I'm going to pack up my shit and go to Tokyo.

Tavi: And the rest of us.....?

Phil: ....Oh, you wanted a plan for all of us? Alright: We all pack up our shit and go to Tokyo.

Karab: I like that plan.

Phil: Meet me down here in half an hour. Don't fuck around because i'm not waiting another minute than I have to.

Samuel [Giving a thumbs up]: Alright. Dean, Karab, let's go.

Dean: Since when did you give the orders?

Samuel: Since we might be dead come morning. Let's go!

Samuel walks up the right staircase, followed by Dean and Karab.

Frank: What should I do?

Jericho [Turning and looking at Frank]: Drink like you always do?

Phil: Go back to your room and pack your shit? Fucking hell, Frank, I already said that.

Frank moves away from the huddle, jogging up the right staircase. Tavi pulls away, jogging up the left staircase and leaving Phil and Jericho in the main room. Both men look at eachother for a few seconds.

Jericho [Calmly]: Phil, what are we doing?

Phil: Your girlfriend. Where is she? If this place is haunted to fuck, it might be useful having someone on their side fighting for us.

Jericho: I left the Rose Pendant at home.

Phil [Narrowing his eyes]: You really are an idiot somedays.

To their upper left, the double doors to the western wing of the hotel open. Jericho and Phil look up, watching as Dion, wearing nothing but a pair of obscenely tight golden speedos, wanders out.

Dion [Grinning]: Hello! I heard a crash! Is everything alright?!

Phil [Taken aback]: .............Yeah.....just......accident......y'know.

Dion: I see. Well, you men should get your beauty sleep!

Dion hums, turning around and walking through the door, shutting it behind him.

Jericho: ....Wow, my eyes are burning.


In Brick, Billy and Jon's room,  Brick and Jon are both laying on the left-hand beds, with Brick splayed out near the window and Jon rolling around on his own bed, chuckling quietly.

Jon [Clutching his duvet]: ....Man....this stuff is great..

Brick [Laying on his back and grinning]: Told you so!

The door to the room opens and Jon turns his head: Billy walks in, clutching a long black sock which appears to be filled with several rectangular objects.

Billy: Sup?

Jon: Dude...Billy...What are you doing?...

Billy: Just crafting a weapon, lads.

Billy turns right, opening the door and walking into the bathroom.

Jon: Why?

Billy: I've been hearing shite about ghosts and accidents.

Jon: And?

Billy walks out of the bathroom, holding their complimentary bar of soap. He slips it into the sock, winding the end of the sock tightly and clutching it like a makeshift blackjack.

Billy: If i'm going down, i'm going down fightin'!

Jon: ...Dude...ghosts aren't real..

Billy: Yeah, well......soapsock: it's a deadly weapon.

Billy walks out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him.

Brick [Coughing]: D-D-Dude...ghosts?

Jon [Grinning]: Ghoooooooostssss...

Brick: Ghosts ain't real...

Jon: They ain't...

Brick: ...Why's he saying they are?...

Jon rolls off of his bed, hitting the floor with a thud.

Jon [Muffled]: Cause he's high too..

Brick: Dude...we're all in the clouds...

Jon slowly stumbles up to his feet. Brick rolls off of the bed, getting to his feet and stumbling over to Jon and grabbing his shoulders.

Jon: Dude...

Brick: ..We should get somethin' to eat..

Jon: Yeah!

Brick turns around: A figure flickers between the beds. A samurai, wearing dark red and black armour, suddenly appears, with glowing red eyes beneath the helmet.

Jon: .........Brick...dude...that samurai dude......he's...

Brick [coughing slightly]: My mouths dryer than a camels pussy! Can we get a drink?!

Jon walks forward, poking the samurai's breastplate. The samurai simply stands there, unperturbed.

Jon [Taken aback]: Shiiiiitttttt...he's real....

Brick: Damn...what now?..

Jon: Hey, any potato chips?...Proper chips...not Japanese chips?

The samurai slowly lowers its head, looking down at Jon.

Brick: Shit, he's given us the evil eye....daaaammmnnn...

Jon: Briiiicckk...I think he's real....

Brick: .........Well, shit...

Jon: We should run...

Brick: .....Yeah...

Brick and Jon twist around. Brick sprints forward, shoving the door open. Jon falls onto his stomach, crawling and scuttling forward up and onto his feet, stumbling through the open door. Jon looks to his left, sprinting down the hallway and screaming as he does..


In the room of the pub owners, Al, Dick and Dion are laying on their beds, with Dion laying on the bed closest to the door, with Al on the bed next to the window and Dick on the bed to his right. They listen intently as the screams of Jon move past their door and into the distance. Dick slowly lifts his head from his pillow, turning his head to the left and looking at the door.

Dick: ...What the fuck was that?

Al: Sounds like Jon being a twat.

Dick [Lowering his head]: I see..

Dion: ...I'm so bored.

Al: We all are, but tomorrow, we walk up to some weird shrine thing!

Dion: ...Is that sarcasm?

Al: That's the bitter sound of disappointment, mate.

Dick: Well, it''s something, this place.

Al: You know something, Dick, I really don't like this place!

Dick: You don't say?

Al: Yeah, the bird in the fox mask is giving me the evil eye!

Al points at the foot of the bed, into the mirror. Dick sits up: In the mirror, it shows a woman in a stylised white kitsune mask with red details and golden lines around the eyes standing between the beds, clad in a white robe with a black, knotted rope around the waist. Dion suddenly sits upwards, looking at the back of this strange figure.

Dion [Bluntly]: What is this magic?

Dick: How can you tell she's giving you the evil eye? You can't even see them.

Al: It's a feeling, mate. A bad feeling.

Dick: Yeah, considering how she has that weird pole thing in her hands.

The woman stands a naginata beside her, blade glinting in the lamplight.

Al: Dick?

Dick: What?

Al: We should probably get running.

Dick: Right behind you.

Dick and Al look at eachother, screaming loudly. They stop, looking up at the woman who is now visible to the naked eye, and scream again. The woman spins around and swipes the naginata down at Dick who rolls off the bed, crawling towards the door. Dion rolls off of his own bed, rushing towards the door and wrenching it open, rushing out and into the hallway. Al rolls off of the bed, hitting the floor on his back and scrambling up to his feet. Dick crawls up to his feet, sprinting out of the door. Al follows, quickly twisting around and slamming the door shut. Dick breathes heavily, slamming his back against the wall opposite the door.

Dick: What the FUCK was that?!

Al turns to the door, slowly opening it a crack. The woman stands there, thrusting the naginata forward. The door shuts just in time for the blade to crack through the wood, mere millimetres away from Al's left shoulder. Al looks down at the blade, stepping backwards.

Al [Gulping and nodding]: Yeah, fuck it. Fancy popping down to Tokyo, lads?

Dick: Brilliant idea, mate!

Dion [Hastily]: Right behind you!

Al, Dion and Dick quickly sprint down the hallway, kicking the doors open and sprinting down the stairs, charging forward and bursting out of the front doors..


Jon bursts through the double doors and into the Eastern wing, looking around desperately. He appears to have lost Brick, suggesting that he has ran around aimlessly in his stoned state and emerged with nary a clue in the Eastern wing.

Jon: Briiiiiiiiiiiick? Dammit!

The second door to his left opens: Tim walks out of the door, turning and looking at Jon who stumbles forward, gazing around, his eyes twitching rapidly in his skull.

Tim: Jon...You don't look well.

Johnny peers out from the door, watching as Jon turns to Johnny.

Jon: I'm not well!

Tim [Taken aback]: Well.....what's wrong?


Jon points at Johnny before he twists around suddenly and sprints down the hallway. Johnny and Tim watch as Jon sprints violently into the double doors, collapsing backwards and hitting the floor with a crash, his arms splayed out.

Tim: I think Jon's.....I think he's high!

Johnny: Are you sure he's not just braindamaged?

Tim: No, he's---[Stroking his chin] Actually, hold on....Maybe...You could be right..

Jon's arms twitch violently, his tongue lolling out of his mouth.

Johnny: If he's dead, I don't want to be seen with him.

Tim: Could we hide the body?

Johnny [Shrugging]: He’s someone else’s problem now.

Johnny steps back and Tim swiftly pulls the door shut. Jon simply lays there, eyes glazed.

Jon [Mumbling quietly]: I'm not dead...

Jon groans loudly, sitting up and cricking his neck from side to side. He slowly gets to his feet, stumbling forward past the next door and twisting to his left in front of the door marked “D2” , knocking on it. The door is wrenched open and Phil stands there, looking at him.

Phil: Yes?

Jon: Big problem....

Phil: What?

Jon: Ghosts, man!

Phil sniffs the air, looking at Jon suspiciously.

Phil: You smell like a college student.

Jon [Calmly]: Look, Phil...buddy...Phil...bud...Yeah...I took some...of that stuff...y'know..

Phil: You're high?!

Jon nods slowly. Steve walks forward, poking his head through the door above Phil's.

Steve: Walk it off or go to sleep.

Steve and Phil pull their heads back, slamming the door shut. Jon simply stands there, blinking before spinning around on his heels and stumbling down the hallway, turning and knocking on the very first door in the hallway, marked “A2”. The door unlocks and Maurice pulls the door open, looking at Jon.

Maurice: Aye?


Bob suddenly appears behind Maurice, looking over his bulky figure and narrowing his eyes.

Bob [Cautiously]: Jon, are you.....high?

Maurice blinks, sniffing the air before giving a grin.

Maurice [Reaching his hand out and ruffling Jon's hair]: YEH FINALLY GOT HIGH!! GOOD ON YEH, KIDDA!!

Maurice slams the door shut. Jon simply stands there, blinking.

Jon [Impatiently]: This is why I don't smoke!....Ah, fuck...I'm gonna get a drink..

Jon smacks his lips together rapidly, shaking his head as he stumbles down the hallway.


In Johnny and Tim's room, identical to the other rooms but with a double bed under the window, facing the door. Johnny and Tim are both laying on the red duvet, gazing at the door with a look of suspicion and mild amusement.

Johnny [Cautiously]: .....Jon did say ghosts, right?

Tim: Yep!

Johnny looks around the room, his eyes flickering towards the door and resting on it.

Johnny: Hang on; You don't think this place is haunted, do you?

Tim: Why would you think that?

Johnny [Shrugging]: I don't think that...It's just...y'know.

Tim: What is this about ghosts, anyway? Ghosts aren't real!

Johnny: ...Yeah, I suppose....But...

Tim: What?

Johnny: I mean, we did say we’re staying here for ghosts and shit.

Tim [Laughing]: It’s the same reason people go on ghost walks! It’s all for the spooky atmosphere and not for the ghosts!...Well, for us, it’s spooky atmosphere and Japanese breakfast.

Johnny: But it’s not even spooky, it’s just...old.

Tim: Yeah. [Sitting up and groaning slightly] Don’t let it get to you, love: C'mon, let's get something to eat.

Johnny and Tim slide off of the bed, heading out of their room. Johnny turns around and glances into the darkness before he slams the door shut, stopping for a second with his head lowered, his right index finger tapping his chin in deep thought.

Johnny [Cautiously]: ...Hm.

Tim: What?

Johnny: I thought I saw something.

Tim [Rolling his eyes]: There's no such thing as ghosts!

Johnny: Yeah, well....I'm just gonna check.

Tim [Laughing in disbelief]: It won’t just appear on a whim!

Johnny opens the door to the room once more. A huge figure clad entirely in black samurai armour, eyes glowing red, stands before them, revealing a huge, double-handed no-dachi samurai sword, the blade glistening in the light from the hallway. Johnny quickly slams the door shut, eyes widening.

Johnny [Fearfully]: We are getting the fuck out of here!

Tim [Eyes widening]: Aaaaand let's go.

Johnny: ....Wait. Maybe it was a hallucination!

Johnny opens the door: Nothing's there. Johnny blinks, rubbing his eyes and grasping the door nervously before slamming it shut.

Johnny [Turning his head, looking at Tim]: You saw it too, right? It wasn’t just a hallucination?

Tim [Gulping]: Open it.

Johnny [In disbelief]: What?!

Tim: Open it. What's the worst that could happen?

Johnny sighs, closing his eyes and gulping.

Johnny: Thanks for jinxing us, Tim.

The door at the bottom of the hallway is flung open. Johnny and Tim scream, twisting around: Standing in the doorway is Billy, clutching his sock filled with bars of soap. Billy narrows his eyes, watching as Johnny and Tim breathe heavily before walking up towards them.

Billy [Cautiously]: What's wrong?

Johnny: Problems!!

Billy walks up to them, looking at both of them and giving an audible sniff of the air before turning his head to the door.

Billy: Yeh not drunk, lads, so what's wrong?

Johnny [Hesitantly]: Large...fucking...samurai....was in the room.

Billy [Bluntly]: Aye, a lotta shite's been happening.

Billy grasps the door, pulling it open. Johnny steps back and both him and Tim walk around, looking into the room from over Billy's shoulders: Nothing. Billy slams it shut before opening it again: A floating piece of sushi is suddenly there.

Tim [Confused]: What the FUCK?

Billy slams the door shut before opening it again: A petite, naked Japanese woman, wearing nothing but an apron and a grin, stands there, clutching a pair of chopsticks with a sushi roll between them.

Billy [Eyes widening]: Sweet mother o' mercy!!

Tim: Oh, come on, even Admiral Akbar doesn't need to speak his mind on that one!

Billy sighs, nodding in agreement and slamming the door shut before turning around, looking at Johnny and Tim.

Billy [Calmly]: Alright lads, let's go together and we'll get Lynch. You armed?

Johnny squats down, rolling up the left leg of his jeans and reaching into the side of his sock, pulling out the handle of a switchblade.

Johnny: Yeah. I'll stab anything that comes close.

Tim reaches into the back of the waistband of his jeans, pulling free a loaded Beretta M9.

Tim: Well, don't bring a knife to a gunfight!

Johnny [In amazement]: Fucking hell, so that really WAS a gun in your pocket!

Tim smirks, nodding.

Billy: Right, just...keep calm, lads.

Johnny: Don't worry: We will.

The lights suddenly switch off, plunging them into a darkness so impenetrable that they cannot see their hands in front of their faces.

Billy: .......Keep calm, lads.

The lights suddenly switch on.

Tim: ....We should still be keeping calm, right--

The doors at the top of the corridor suddenly burst open: Standing in the doorway is a tattered animatronic fox. Made of red fur, torn at the chest and arms to reveal the metal animatronic skeleton, with a pair of torn brown shorts and with a black eyepatch over the right eye, which swings open to reveal the second of a pair of glowing eyes, the fox has a glinting, menacing hook for a right hand, with the cybernetic skeleton revealed in its left hand. The feet itself have no outer fur, revealing flat, metal plates and the horrendous mechanics for the legs.

Johnny: ....Did anybody order Foxy from Five Night's At Freddy's?

Tim [Shaking his head]: Nope!


Foxy sprints down the hallway, swinging its hook as it does. Billy, Johnny and Tim scream, sprinting down the hallway themselves.


In Phil, Jericho, Steve and Ivan's Room, Ivan is busy sharpening a machete using a whetstone. Steve is sat on his bed, back against the headboard, watching Ivan as he does.

Steve: So, where are we going?

Ivan [Quietly]: Tokyo?

Steve: What's with the blade?

Ivan [Quietly]: Ve do not know vat lies out there. But if bleeds, ve can kill it.

Steve: Well, let's hope it's a Predator, then. And not some kind of horrendous spectral being that could kill us violently with ease.

Ivan: Ever since vecovering, you have such a pleasant outlook on life.

Steve [Smirking]: I still do, I just fail to see how any of this was a good idea. I’d have enjoyed the castle.

Ivan [Slowly shaking his head]: Vell, ve are here now.

Ivan lays down his machete, reaching into the pocket of his jeans and pulling out a small syringe, looking at it.

Steve: So, has the damage been repaired yet?

Ivan: You know how much radiation I vas subjected to.

Steve: Yeah.

Ivan slowly looks up at Steve.

Ivan [Quietly]: The brain damage has been....slightly...helped, but it’s the cancer that can’t be healed yet.

The room falls silent. Steve shuffles forward, looking at Ivan.

Steve [Hissing quietly]: Why the fuck haven’t you told anyone?!

Ivan: I thought it vas obvious! The brain damage vas caused by the tumours! I crawled through Chernobyl, of course it vas always going to be cancer-related! Vat, you thought I was crazy because the radiation had somehow made me like that spontaneously?!

Steve sighs, flopping back on the bed and rubbing his eyes.

Steve: How long have you got left?

Ivan: The nanomachines are keeping me alive. Vithout zem, I vould be dead in mere minutes.

Steve [Shuddering]: ....It’s that bad, huh?


Steve sighs, holding his hands over his head. Ivan takes the cap off of the syringe, injecting a small amount into his neck before replacing the cap on the half-full syringe. Jericho opens the door into the bedroom, slamming it shut behind him. Now wearing his camelskin trench coat over his Hawaiian shirt and jeans, he appears to be ready to leave the hotel.

Jericho [Clapping his hands together]: Are we ready to go? I heard screaming and Johnny, Tim and Billy ran past me, so I think they’re going already. They were also chased by some weird fox thing but I just lamped it one and put it on its arse.

Steve: Won't Lynch be pissed?

Jericho [Taken aback]: Well, it was some weird fox robot and smelled nicer than the others--

Steve: I mean about running away?

Jericho: Oh! Well, yeah, but he can stay in this haunted hotel, i'm leaving.

Steve: But didn't we vote to stay here?

Jericho [Laughing]: Well, yeah, but we didn't think it'd actually be haunted! It was just something stupid for Halloween, like...y'know..the retards who go on ghost walks!

Steve: Oh.

Jericho: Where's Phil?

Ivan: Vashing before ve leave.

Jericho walks over to the door, knocking on it. Inside the bathroom, Phil is standing in front of the sink, washing his face. When Jericho knocks, he stops and looks up at the mirror.

Phil: Who is it?

Jericho: It's me, you muppet.

Phil: Hey, Jerry?

Jericho: Yes?

Phil: Did we bring in any women aside from Tavi?

Jericho: Nope. Why?

Phil: Cause there's someone in here with me.

In the mirror, standing several feet behind Phil, is a young woman dressed in a schoolgirl uniform, consisting of a black sailor fuku, red necktie, white shirt, black short skirt, baggy white socks and black pumps. Her skin is oddly pale and her left eye is a violent shade of red, her right eye covered by a white eyepatch. A short shock of chopped black hair hangs from her scalp, partially obscuring her right eye, as she gazes into the mirror.

Phil: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand who the fuck are you?

Girl: Nobody in particular.

Phil [Coldly]: Get the fuck out. We are operating on a strictly no cameo basis here. Go.

Girl: That’s what you think--

Phil hisses and the girl disappears in a white haze. Phil looks around, quickly turning around and switching off the hot water tap, watching as the girl opens the door and shuts it behind her.

Jericho: Who the fuck are you?

Girl's Voice: Nobody in particular.

The bathroom door opens and Jericho looks into the bathroom.

Jericho: We've gotta leave. Right now.


Walking up the hallway of the Western wing are Billy, Johnny and Tim. Billy is busy swinging his sock around energetically while Johnny and Tim cautiously follow. Joining them are Sal and Vince: Vince is busy eating an onigiri, looking around the hallway as the group walks forward, while Sal is at the rear, looking bemused.

Vince [Chewing]: Sho, whath are we running throm?

Billy: A mechanical fox with a hook for a hand that wants to kill us, and the ghost of a samurai.

Sal: .....Have you been drinking already?


Sal [Quietly, aside to Vince]: We've only been here for a few hours and he's lost it.

Vince: [Quietly, aside to Sal]: Well, this place is kinda spooky.

Johnny: Ghosts. Who'd have thought it?

Sal: Oh, there's no such thing as ghosts!

Tim [Piping up]: There is! We’ve seen them!

The group stops outside of Lynch's door. Billy walks forward, knocking on it. The sound of a shuffling chair, followed by grumbling, is heard, followed by the door opening as Lynch stands there, peering out at the mercenaries. His lures have been laid out neatly on his desk next to his fishing hat, while Lynch himself is now wearing a pair of reading glasses which he takes off upon opening the door.

Lynch [Looking at each of them with distinct disdain]: What?

Johnny [Hysterically]: GHOSTS!

Lynch blinks rapidly, going to shut the door, but suddenly stops himself halfway, opening it and looking out at the few mercenaries in front of him.

Lynch: ....I found a doll on my bathroom floor with a third purple leg.


The mercenaries slowly turn their heads to Vince, who has his mouth agape with his hands clasped dramatically to his cheeks.

Sal [Cocking an eyebrow]: .....What?

Vince: It's a supposedly haunted doll with three legs. Apparently, you may sprout a purple leg which will then take over your body and kill you.

Johnny: That just sounds stupid.

Vince [Shrugging]: Hey, Japan.

Lynch: Well, I suppose that's what we get for staying here.

Sal: How come we're being haunted anyway? Shit seemed fine when we got here!

Lynch falls silent as he walks out and shuts the door behind him, punctuating his silence by cracking his knuckles.

Lynch [Under his breath]: Frank...

Sal [Eyes widening]: Oh, shit, the mirror--

Johnny: Mirror?

Sal [Turning his head and looking at Johnny]: Yeah, Frank broke some mirror that dates back to some period when Japan was at war. Son Goku Jizz Eye or somethin--

Vince [Through gritted teeth]: SENGOKU JIDAI!!

Sal: Yeah, that.

Tim: Well, if anyone was going to kill us all, it would be Frank!

 Lynch walks in front of the door next to his room, slamming his fist roughly against it. The door opens and Eligio peers his head out.

Eligio: Si?

Lynch: We're moving to fight some weird shit. Don't ask what it was, just move.

Eligio: Uhhh...okay....Got'cha, Lynch....MEN! ON ME!

Eligio walks out of the door, followed by Mustafa, Marcos and Johan. Melvin scrambles up from the floor, following Johan as Bobby walks out from the bathroom with a newspaper under his arm. He turns his head, following Melvin instinctively. That Other Random Guy, still tied tightly into his sleeping bag, slowly hops forward.

That Other Random Guy: Wait for me!

Lynch [Watching on]:*Beep*, what the fuck are you doing?

That Other Random Guy: Very slowly coming over!

That Other Random Guy hops through the door.

Mustafa: At least he's comfortable.

Lynch: Get moving. We're going to fuck these ghosts up.

They walk past the door to Brick's room. Lynch stands in front of the door to Robbie and Dave's room, knocking on it. Robbie opens the door, standing in the doorway and looking at the group cautiously.

Robbie: What?

Lynch: We're mobilising.

Robbie: ...Why?

Vince: Ghosts.

Robbie [Looking over Lynch's shoulder at Vince]: Fuck off and stop joking, weeaboo.

Vince [Scoffing]: I'm not joking.

Eligio [Laughing]: Ghosts? Really?

Lynch: It's an order. Move.

Robbie sighs, walking out and joining the group, followed by Dave who slams the door shut behind him.

Dave [Bluntly]: It really is ghosts, isn't it? That would explain all the screams that we hear.

Lynch [Impatiently]: No. We're just checking some things out.

Lynch squeezes past the group, standing in front of them and walking towards the double doors at the end of the hallway.

Sal: Y'know, i've seen movies like this, the black dude always dies first!

Mustafa: So, i'm going to die?

Tim [Panicking]: No, it's always the British guy who gets it first!

Lynch: There's, like, five Brits. Six if you count Moe being brought up in London. Seven if you count the English half of Sal's family.

Billy: Ach, there's EIGHT Brits! Yeh scunner, cannae even remember I'M a Brit!

Lynch: So, the odds are perfectly favourable. Besides, it's usually the geeky loner who dies first.

Samuel: That's some bad luck, Vince.

Vince [Scoffing]: Isn't it always the asshole pretty-boy jock who gets it first?

Billy [Angrily]: WHY YEH--

Sal: He meant jock as in the American high school subculture--

Billy: Oh.

Sal: --You skirt-wearing pustule.

Lynch: Shut up: We need to gather the rest of the men...and that one female sugar glider. Follow me.

Lynch walks towards the double doors, grasping them and pulling at them: The doors do not budge.

Vince [Pointing at the doors]: Oh no! While we were talking, somebody has conveniently locked the doors and thus barricaded us in!

Lynch swings his foot out, kicking the door roughly just above the handles. The door shakes, splintering slightly as Lynch leaps up and bicycle kicks the door roughly, causing it to jolt open with a sickening crack, a block of wood being used to barricade the door snapping effortlessly and allowing the door to swing open, revealing the balcony of the dining room.

Lynch: Oh no! While the spirits were talking, somebody has conveniently kicked the doors open and thus freed themselves!

A door opens behind him: Tavi walks out from her room, turning her head and watching the mercenaries suspiciously.

Tavi: Uh, guys?

The mercenaries turn around.

Dave: Yeah?

Tavi: .....What's happening?

Lynch: We're hunting ghosts and trying to find the others.

Tavi: You're....hunting ghosts?

Lynch: ...Yes?

Tavi: ....Well..Will, Phil and Moe went down to the dining room.

Lynch: Then let's go!

Tavi [Surprised]: I--Uh---We---Uhh...Okay.

Tavi walks towards the group, following them as they walk out of the doors.


In the Dining Room, Phil and Moe are stood at the buffet table, eating sushi and talking while Will is busy talking with the owner. The owner appears unphased by Will's attempts to flirt with her, and Moe and Phil simply watch as he grins, moving ever closer to her. Both men exchange looks of discomfort, with Moe stepping forward to stop Will, but Phil steps forward as well and both men stop, watching and waiting to see what happens next.

Will: So, what's your name?

Owner: That's private.

Will: So, you live here?

Owner: Yes.

Will: Do you always wear that mask?

Owner [Growing impatient]: Yes.

Will: Would you like to know more about me?

Owner [Coldly]: No.

Will [Smirking]: Hey, come on...take off the mask, babe, I'll show you why they call me the Studlin..

Owner: That's not your real name, is it?

Will [Shrugging]: Deed poll, babe.

Will and the Owner walk towards the doors of the Dining Room as Phil and Moe watch on. Will grins, placing his arm around her shoulders.

Will: You are such a cutie, babe: I could show you a whole world of pleasures. In the bedroom!

Owner: ...Watashi, kirei?

Will: Eh?

Owner: Watashi, kirei?

Will: Nope. No idea.

Owner: Watashi, kirei?

Phil’s eyes suddenly widen, realising the importance behind those two words. Phil looks down at Moe, who reaches into the back of his cargo shorts and pulls out his Desert Eagle, looking hesitantly at Phil.

Phil [Calling out]: DON'T DO IT, WILL!

Will [Looking over his shoulder]: What?

Owner: Watashi, kirei?

Will [Looking at the owner]: What?

Owner [Impatiently]: Watashi, kirei?!

Will: Speak English!

Owner [Angrily]: AM I PRETTY?!

Will: Wha--

Owner: Watashi, kirei?

Moe [Yelling]: DON’T FUCKING ANSWER!!!!!!!

Will: Yeah, you are. Pretty? Damn, you're pretty. Yes. Let's make pretty babies together.

Moe [Bluntly]: He's dead.

Phil: Let's leave him.

Phil and Moe begin to walk towards both of them. The owner raises her hands, delicately unfastening her surgical mask before letting it drop down her body and to the floor. Her mouth has been slit, from the corners, from ear to ear, leaving huge gashes in the cheeks which reveals her eerily-white teeth. The owner, as it turns out, is actually a Kuchisake-Onna, a dangerous and murderous figure from Japanese urban legend. who specialises in killing her victims using a pair of scissors.

Owner: How about now?


Will [Disturbed]: Nope. That ain’t cute. I don’t like getting a blowjob from someone with more teeth than the entire cast of Duck Dynasty!

Owner [Smiling, pulling out a pair of blood-covered scissors from behind her back]: Wrong answer.

Will: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww shit.


Will whimpers, twisting around and sprinting through the doors. The owner twists around, glaring at Phil and Moe and giving a wide grin. She holds the scissors out in front of her, pointing them directly at Phil.


Moe: Phil.

Phil: Aye?

Moe [Quietly]: Are we fucked?

Phil [Nodding slowly]: Yes, Moe. Yes we are. LET'S GET OUTTA HERE!!

Moe and Phil rush past the Kuchisake-Onna before she can react, screaming and sprinting through the open doors. The Kuchisake-Onna quickly chases after them, gliding at a speed that is inhumanly possible. Moe and Phil burst through the doors and into the main hall: Moe turns right, heading up the stairs to the second floor. Phil turns left, running towards the door to the fire exit. Will, who has rushed over to it, wrenches it open. Phil shoves Will through it, turning around and slamming the door shut.

Phil [Glaring at Will, breathing heavily]: Dude, what the FUCK?!?

Will [Desperately, clutching his head]: How was I supposed to know she was some creepy disfigured bitch!!

Phil: Fuck it...Just...let's run.

Phil motions up the stairs, jogging up them as Will follows. They burst through a single door and Phil slams it shut behind them as they emerge in a thin corridor, decorated similarly to the other hallways and leading to the left, presumably to the hallway where the bedrooms are. In front of them is a window which Will rushes over to, grasping it and pulling it open.

Phil: What the fuck are you doing?

Will [Calmly]: Jumping. Jumping right fucking now and running. WHY DOES EVERY WOMAN I MEET WANT TO KILL ME?!


A pair of scissors slams through the door to the right of Phil's head. Will and Phil scream. Will dashes forward, leaping out of the window as Phil twists around, grasping the door and opening it. The Kuchisake-Onna stands in front of him, holding the scissors once more.

Kuchisake-Onna: Watashi, kirei?

Phil remains silent. The Kuchisake-Onna remains still. Phil quickly twists around and jolts towards the window, but the Kuchisake-Onna simply re-appears in front of him.

Kuchisake-Onna: Watashi, kirei?

Phil: You are........What answer doesn't get me killed or maimed?

Kuchisake-Onna [COldly]: Answer the fucking question.

Phil [Taken aback]: Well, how rude!

Kuchisake-Onna: Watashi, ki--

Out of Phil's pocket spills a lone chocolate lime. The Kuchisake-Onna quickly leans down, picking it up and gazing at it.

Kuchisake-Onna: ......Wa............Muu......Candy...

Phil [Narrowing his eyes, deathly quiet]: That is a chocolate fucking lime. Don’t you fucking touch it.

Phil looks at the chocolate lime, then at the Kuchisake-Onna who appears mesmerised, before reaching into his pocket and spilling several onto the floor. The Kuchisake-Onna quickly leans down, picking them up as Phil twists to the left, sprinting up the corridor.


In Dean, Karab and Samuel's room, Dean is laying in the bath, wearing a yellow shower cap and whistling as he washes himself with a loofah on a stick, a yellow rubber duck floating lazily in the water. Candles are laid on the edge of the bath, providing the only light for the room. Until they are suddenly blown out, plunging the room into darkness. Dean looks around the dark room, unable to see anything.

Dean [Suspiciously]: Who's there?!

Nothing but silence and stillness greets him.

Dean [Angrily]: Samuel? Is that you, you little FUCKING BITCH??!?

Dean looks around the darkened room. Suddenly, in front of the doorway, an apparition appears: A young girl, with deathly pale skin and dark rings around her glowing yellow eyes, wearing a flowing white dress. Her feet are covered in blood, leaving footprints as she walks towards the bath. Dean wraps his right arm around his chest, screaming.

Dean [Screaming]: OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?! [Suddenly growing brave and getting to his feet] Excuse me, but you can see my nipples! I'm trying to have a private bath and you are interrupting, NOW FUCK OFF!!!

Dean reaches out and grabs a wooden soap dish, twisting and throwing it at her. It hits the girl between the eyes. Her eyes widen and she collapses backwards onto the floor, knocked out instantly. Dean raises his arms, whooping loudly.


The door opens and Karab quickly walks in, clutching his faithful kukri.

Karab [Hastily]: Dean, I heard you screaming-- [Karab looks down, noticing the unconscious young girl, then up at the naked Dean standing in the bath-tub] --.............................Y.....................Hm..........................You......Nah...........Y'know what? I'm not even going to ask you to explain this. I'm sure you have a good reason for being naked with a pre-schooler lying on your floor with blood on her feet. I'm sure the reason involves the police somehow, but i'm sure it's a very good reason nonetheless.


Karab looks taken aback, but steps forward. He taps the top of the ghosts head with his right foot lightly, and it flickers before vanishing suddenly in a blast of cold air.

Karab [Slowly looking up at Dean]: ....Alright, what's going on?

Dean [Hysterically]: VERY BAD JUJU!!!

Karab: Well, yeah, we did opt to stay in a haunted location.

Dean [Hysterically]: WHY?!?!?!

Karab [Shrugging]: We thought it'd be fun?

A knock raps out against the door. Dean climbs out of the bath, wrapping a towel around his waist as Karab peers into the bedroom, watching as Samuel peers through the peephole before opening the door.

Samuel: What is it, Steve?

Steve: Lynch wants us all to group together. We're gathering in the Main Hall. Something is wrong. Very wrong.

Dean [Dramatically]: I'll say, I was interrupted in a ghost while in the bath!

Samuel: Alright, Steve, thanks for the heads up. We'll be down in five.

Steve nods as Samuel slowly shuts the door, turning to Dean and Karab.

Samuel: Looks like we're hunting again, Dean.

Dean: I know how to hunt ghosts and demons and shit. Japan is a little outside my area of expertise when it comes to weird shit.

Karab: Uh, Dean?

Dean [Angrily]: WHAT?!

Karab points at Dean's left leg. Dean looks down: The ghostly little girl is standing beside it. Dean screams wildly, stumbling forward and falling flat on his face before scrambling backwards.

Dean [Pointing]: FUCK OFF!!!

The girl tilts her head slightly.

Samuel: Dean, she only understands Japanese.

Dean [Looking up at Samuel, scowling]: Well, i'm fucking sorry that I don't know how to say 'Fuck off' in Japanese!

Karab: I know how to say 'Fuck off' in a universal language.

Dean: And that is?

Karab leaps onto the bed, reaching into his belt and pulling free his kukri, pointing at the ghost.

Karab [Screaming loudly]: AAYO GURKHALI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Karab leaps off the bed and the girl swiftly disappears. Karab's head snaps around the room, breathing ferally.

Samuel: Karab, what's with you? You've gotten...........brave.

Karab [Twisting around]: I really miss the Gurkha's. I need to get back into the Gurkha's.

Dean: Why?

Karab: Let me see: I've had enough with being hunted by malevolent spirits.

Samuel: But this is only a trip--

Karab [Narrowing his eyes]: You know fucking well what's happened in Kebaborama before.

Dean: ...Oh, yeah, the angry ghosts and rotten animal carcasses.

Karab [Sighing darkly]: If I prove my bravery, maybe they will let me back in.

Samuel: I'm sure the Gurkha's don't work like that, Karab.

Karab: I will prove that I am a true Gurkha.

Karab twists around, pulling the door open. The Kuchisake-Onna appears in the doorway, grinning darkly and snipping her scissors threateningly. Karab quickly slams the door shut.

Karab: Fuck it.

Karab slams the kukri through the door, splintering through wood as he steps back and opens the door: The Kuchisake-Onna has vanished, but there's a slick of blood on the blade.

Dean: Woah, Karab, you got one?

Vince walks past, clutching his left arm which has a large gash in it, weeping blood.

Vince: Owowowowowowowowowowowowowowowow.

Karab grasps the kukri, pulling it free from the door.

Karab [Shrugging]: Well, I got something creepy.

A knock raps out against the door. Karab pulls it open, revealing Lynch.

Lynch: Don’t fuck around: Grab your shit, Nepali, because we really are heading out.

Karab: Where?

Lynch: To that haunted Scottish castle. Fuck Japan.

Karab: Finally! We can get haunted by ghosts who can't glide up five stairs without getting winded!

Lynch: Exactly. Chop fucking chop.

Karab, Samuel and Dean walk out of the room, following Lynch and the other mercenaries, who now include Jericho, Ivan, Steve,| Frank and Bob.


While the mercenaries mull around in the Western wing, Maurice is alone in the dining room, standing at the buffet table and eating several miniature hot dogs as he does, barely even stopping to breathe. He stops, letting out a visible breathe of air. He twists around, swallowing the hot dogs.

Maurice: ...The fook?

Maurice looks around: Nothing is there. The room is empty. The temperature begins to plummet and he lets out another visible breath.

Maurice [Irritably]: 'Ere, i'm tryin' ta fookin' eat!!

The doors open and Bill walks in, looking over at Maurice. Maurice looks at Bill, giving a slight nod.

Maurice: ‘Ey up.

Bill: You alright, big man?

Maurice [Slowly walking forward, shaking his head]: Somethin's playing games, lad.

Maurice walks past Bill and through the doors: Bill turns around, following him into the main hall. The sounds of footsteps are echoing throughout the building, but Lynch and the others are nowhere to be found. The chandelier remains fallen on the floor to the left of the right-hand staircase as well.

Bill: Like what?

Maurice [Pointing ahead]: Like tha'

Maurice points ahead at a samurai standing in front of the entrance doors, identical to that which had appeared in Jon, Brick and Bill's room. The samurai slowly raises its right arm, pointing at Maurice.

Bill [Widening his eyes]: ....What the actual fuck is going here?

Maurice [Pounding his chest]: FOOKIN' CUNT!!!!!!!!!!

Maurice charges forward, tackling the samurai through both of the doors and to the outside, rolling down the steps as he does. Bill rushes over, looking out as Maurice wrestles on the ground with the samurai, his fists clubbed together as he slams them down onto the chestplate of the samurai.

Bill: Maurice! Do you need any help?!

Maurice: I'm fine, lad! Get the others and get the fook outta 'ere!

Bill: Got it!

Bill spins around, jogging back into the main hall: As he moves past the fallen chandelier, the Kuchisake-Onna sidesteps from behind the left-hand set of stairs, grinning brightly.


Bill spins around, running towards the door: He only gets a few steps before the Kuchisake-Onna suddenly appears in front of him, holding her scissors and snipping them threateningly.

Bill [Frightened]: HOLY BALLS, FUCK OFF!!!

Kuchisake-Onna [Innocently]: Watashi, kirei?

Bill [Hysterically]: I DON'T SPEAK FUCKING TONGUES!!!!!!!

Phil bursts out from the Eastern wing, having somehow run from the Western to the Eastern wing while avoiding Lynch and the others. Phil leans over the balcony and looking down at Bill and the Kuchisake-Onna. The Kuchisake-Onna turns her head and glares up at Phil, grinning and snipping her scissors threateningly as Phil steps over the railing, grasping it with both hands behind him.

Bill [Screaming]: PHIL! YOU MAD FUCK, HELP ME!

Phil: I just came to get a bite to eat! I want to go back to my room! Me, Steve, Jerry and Ivan were supposed to be running the fuck away!!

Bill [Calling out]: WE CAN RUN TOGETHER, PHIL!!

Phil: Where the fuck do we go, Bill?!

Bill [Desperately]: ANYWHERE!!!!

Kuchisake-Onna: Watashi, kirei?

Phil: I'll save your ass, and then we run to my room, lock the door and hold out until morning!



The Kuchisake-Onna looks up, watching as Phil dives off of the balcony towards her. For no apparent reason, "Natural Born Killaz" by Ice Cube and Dr Dre begins to play throughout the main hall.


Phil lands on both Bill and the Kuchisake-Onna, sending both of them to the floor. The music cuts out just as suddenly as it started and Bill rolls backwards, stumbling up to his feet and raising his arms.


Phil stumbles up to his feet, quickly rushing over to Bill.


Bill: Good idea!

Phil and Bill turn around: The Kuchisake-Onna has rose to her feet, snipping her scissors as she gives a wide, eerie grin.

Bill [Clasping his arms around Phil]: SAVE ME!!

Phil [Desperately]: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THIS?!?!

Kuchisake-Onna: The hairy barbarians must die. And one broke my mirror that dated back to the Sengoku Jidai.

Phil [Looking at Bill]: Who is stupid enough to break a very old mirror?

Bill [Looking at Phil]: Brick?

Phil and Bill remain silent for a few seconds before narrowing their eyes.

Bill and Phil [In unison]: Frank.

Bill [Quickly]: Hey, just kill Frank! We'll even help you! Nobody will have to know!

Kuchisake-Onna [Coldly]: Watashi.........kirei?..

The doors to the Western wing jolt open: Samuel, Dean and Karab rush out of the doors, with Lynch behind them. Lynch runs around the balcony as Moe jogs out. The doors slam shut just as suddenly as they opened.

Moe [Pointing down]: OH MY GOD!! IT'S....SOMETHING!!!

Samuel: Kuchisake-Onna. Slit mouthed woman. Asks if you think she's beautiful. If you say yes, she kills you horribly. If you say no, she kills you horribly. She must be failed or, alternatively, distracted with candy.

Moe: Oh.

Karab [Looking aside at Samuel]: What happened to the good spirits you could just throw salt at or hit with an iron bar?

Samuel: It's Japan: The spirits are tough. And quite insane.

Dean [Chuckling]: I've heard that.

Lynch: HALT, BITCH!!--Where are the others?

Lynch looks over his shoulder at the doors.

Lynch [Grasping his head angrily]: YOU FUCKING COWARDS!!!! GET OUT AND FIGHT!!!!!

Eligio's Voice [Accompanied by banging on the door]: WE'RE TRYING, LYNCH!!

The bangs grow into thunderous thuds, presumably as fists are slammed into the wood.

Mustafa's Voice: Shit, the doors are stuck tight, Lynch!!


Owner: Watashi, Ki--

Lynch [Screaming]: FUCKING DIE, BITCH!!!!!!

Lynch tackles her straight through the double doors and into the dining room. The left door's top hinge snaps as Lynch tackles her, causing it to hang precariously at an angle.

Samuel [Shocked]: HOLY SHIT, LYNCH??!!

Dean: FUCK IT!

Dean screams wildly, hurtling down the stairs, twisting around, charging forward and leaping through the broken door. Lynch's screams sound out as the sound of another door being broken is heard, presumably the kitchen door. The sound of pots, pans and slicing knives is heard echoing throughout the hotel. Samuel and Karab quickly sprint downstairs. Moe is busy pulling at the doors on the second floor, trying to free the others.

Samuel [Panicking slightly]: LYNCH?! DEAN?!?!

Phil: Leave them.

Karab: We should help!

Bill: Do we have to? Can't we just run?

Karab [Slowly shaking his head]: No. It's our solemn duty.

Phil, Samuel, Bill and Karab step forward. All of a sudden, appearing from out of thin air are five giant tanuki, quickly standing in front of the door. These titanic racoon dogs, complete with large golden eyes and gigantic testicles, simply stand there, glaring down at the mercenaries.

Phil [Rubbing his eyes]: Did I get a contact high with Jon? WHAT IS THIS?!

Samuel [Narrowing his eyes]: Tanuki. Masters of disguise and shapeshifting. Mischievous creatures.

Karab: With massive testicles.

Phil: Yeah, y'know, I know it seems a puerile thing to say but...LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THEIR FUCKING BALLS!!! Why are they so huge?

Samuel [Hesitantly]: ...I......actually do not know.

Bill: Just Japan being Japan, then.

Phil: Can they be killed?

Samuel: Well, I assume so--


Samuel: They're godlike beings, Phil, I doubt it's going to be that easy.

Bill: So, Phil, what do we do?

phil [Looking at Bill]: Only one thing we can do: Smash through these cunts, help Lynch, then mobilise the troops.

Karab [Determinedly]: Aayo Gurkhali.

Bill: What he said.

The mercenaries stare ahead, glaring at the tanuki guarding the door.

Samuel: They really do have gigantic testicles, though.

Phil: Yeaaahhh....that's odd.

A scream sounds out as the doors to the Western wing suddenly burst open. Eligio, Mustafa, Bobby, Marcos, Johan, Melvin, Johnny and Tim burst out from the doorway, screaming loudly. That Other Random Guy quickly hops out, his abdomen hitting the bannister which he flips over, screaming as he hits the floor with a thud, rolling from left to right in pain. The mechanics simply sprint around the balcony, bursting into the Eastern wing. Billy, Sal and Vince swiftly follow, bursting through into the Eastern wing. Johnny and Tim, without a single thought for their safety, sprint out, grasp the bannister and hurl themselves over it, hitting the floor with a sickening crunch.

Bill [Looking up]: What's with them?

Johnny and Tim scuttle forward, stumbling to their feet and sprinting past the others, bursting through the door into the stairwell without a single word.

Samuel: ....That was weird.

Phil: What the FUCK could've freaked big guys like Mustafa, Bobby, Marcos and Johan?

A violent screech bursts out and Samuel, Bill, Steve, Karab and Phil recoil, looking up to the left: Foxy has burst through from where Johnny and Tim ran out from.

Bill [Face falling]: Oh my God. Oh. My. God.

Phil [Holstering his pistol]: Well, that kind of scuppers my bravery.

Phil stands still for a few seconds before screaming and sprinting into the stairwell to his right.

Karab: Aayo--Fuck it.

Karab quickly sheathes his kirpan, sprinting after Phil. Samuel, Bill and Steve look at eachother and nod. Foxy sprints forward, bursting through the bannister and landing on the floor, fully vertical. Samuel and Bill scream, sprinting into the stairwell themselves. Tavi rushes out from the Western wing, gripping the bannister and looking over it at the chaos below as That Other Random Guy quickly begins hopping up the stairs.

Tavi [Calmly, to herself]: Y'know, this fur ain't so bad after all.

Jericho walks through the door from the Western wing, looking around with a brown leather messenger bag hanging at his side.

Jericho: Right, are we going?....Where the fuck are the others?

Tavi: Running.

Jericho [Turning around]: Fuck it, i'll just lock myself in our room.


Lynch stops, now in the kitchen, and listens carefully to the screams echoing out. He glances around the dark kitchen: Surrounded by metal counters, there's just enough light to highlight a large oven in front of him. To his right is a long counter, covered with various sharp implements glinting in the pale blue light from a bug zapper above it. Lynch remains silent, looking around the kitchen. He slowly creeps towards the north-east corner of the room where the pantry is, guarded by a large metal door. Lynch creeps over to it, looking around.

Lynch [Quietly]: Where did you go, you slit-mouthed whore?..

Lynch grasps the door by its handle and wrenching it open, stepping in and looking around: There is nothing but sacks upon sacks of rice, and a few wayward pockets of dried nori on a dusty set of metal shelves to his right.

Lynch [Muttering]: Where the fuck are you?..

Lynch twists around: The ghost of a girl, with abnormally pale skin and wearing a sailor fuku spattered with blood, flickers in front of him, wielding a sharp meat cleaver. Lynch's eyes widen as he slowly walks backwards into the pantry, the schoolgirl letting out a dark grin as she advances on him.

Lynch [Calmly]: Well, isn't this place just twenty thousand shades of fucked up?

Lynch walks backwards into the wall as the girl slowly walks towards him.

Lynch [Quietly]: Great, killed by the ghost of a Japanese schoolgirl. Somehow, I thought my death would be a lot more glorious.

Dean quickly kicks the door to the kitchen open, pointing at the schoolgirl.


Dean throws the salt at her, causing her to flicker and vanish. Lynch turns his head to the left.

Lynch: Dean, how did you get the door open?

Dean: Someone barricaded it.

Lynch: Who?!

Dean [Shrugging]: How am I supposed to know?

Lynch: Dean, the door.

Dean, having stepped into the pantry, turns around and grasps the doors handle, shaking it: It doesn't budge.

Dean [Looking over his shoulder, grinning nervously]: Well, I hope you've got something to pass the time!

Lynch lunges forward, slamming Dean's head into the wall by the left side of the door. Dean yelps as Lynch locks him in a headlock.

Lynch [Angrily]: SON OF A CUNT!!!!!

The door suddenly opens and Vince rushes in, looking around.

Vince: Lynch! Ghosts everywhere! Hauntings! Knives! Swords! Bad things!

Lynch and Dean [Hastily, in unison]: The door!

Vince turns around, the door slamming shut. Vince grasps the door, pulling at it. The door is jammed shut.

Vince [Turning to Dean and Lynch, grinning innocently]: Sorry guys?

Lynch lets go of Dean, yelling angrily and strangling Vince as the scene turns to black.

Coming Soon: Part II

The Halloween Special is live and the mercenaries appear to be completely out of their league. Will Lynch, Dean and Vince escape the pantry? Will the barmen escape to Tokyo? Will any more cameos occur to hunt down our mercenaries? Will there be any more people leaping off of balconies and imitating New Jack? Find out soon!

Happy Halloween!