Saturday, 31 October 2009

Chapter VI - Halloweepalooza

The scene opens up to where we left our mercenaries: In Otacons office. Otacon has ran off wearing his patented stealth technology, leaving him virtually invisible to the naked eye, while Snake has simply went back to B1 in order to make contact with Meryl. Our mercenaries are busy setting themselves for Halloween and the mission ahead.

Frank: I bet Dicks pulling out the home brew now..

Lynch: Stop thinking with your beer belly, you stupid bastard..This is a fight we have to finish

Bill: Yeah, No Red Rings of Death to save us from that!

Bob: Shut up, Bill.

Will pulls out some breathspray and sprays some into his mouth, spinning around and clutching the white leather straps of his combat vest

Will: All set, bitches!

Lynch: Everyone else who isn’t a faggot set?

Phil shoots out a light above them, darkening half the room

Lynch: ….Nolastname…the hell—

Phil: It’s Halloween! Oughta make it spookier

Lynch: How about I tear your face off?

Phil: Point taken

He shoulders his rifle

Phil: You funless bastard.


Deans mouth is full of pastry crumbs and prawn cocktail remnants. He simply grins.

Dean: Saved some for the party! …Although I don’t think they taste prawns…

Lynch: …..Let’s just get this over.

Mr. Dibbley: Tally Ho, then?

Lynch turns his head to Dibbley

Lynch: Goddamn talking penguins……..

The mercenaries exit Otacons office in double-file behind Lynch and Frank and into the coridoor still littered with bodies, body parts, intestines and crimson blood. The only difference is that the coridoor is smelling a sickly sweet odor of iron, and the pools of blood have spread to almost the whole floor. Will himself is stopped in Otacons office, blocking the way out for Billy

Will: You can fuck off if you think I’m ruining Gucci on peasant blood.

Billy: Move before I tear off yah arm and use it fer a toothpick!

Will: You can. I’m not ruining Gucci.

Will stops and turns to Billy

Will: Piggyback?

Billy: I’d rather eat me own shit!

Brick grabs on of the more intact corpses, whose eye has fallen out leaving a gaping socket in his skull, and is missing several fingers, and throws it to Wills feet

Will: Sorry Brick! This isn’t the family barbecue!

Brick: Step on it, fancypants, and just scoot along!

Billy: Fuck this.

Billy grabs Will and slings him over his shoulder. Will stares upside-down at Billys ass and screams.

Will: I see some Scottish butt! It’s not like in my pornos!

Dave: You bastards coming?

Billy: Hang…on..

Billy lifts his left leg and farts full-on in Wills face. Will screams so loud he slumps against Billy unconscious.

Billy: Better.

The mercenaries continue the trek up the coridoor, slightly wading through the sheer amount of crimson blood pooling on the concrete floor beneath them

Lynch: So..Halloween…

Jericho: Indeedy-do

Ivan: Very vun times..

They watch as the blue portal opens on the right side of the wall, and Luther Reigns appears wearing an orange party hat and a vampires cape.

Reigns: Yo.


Reigns: I came to see if y’all needed enforcement.


Lynch: …….No…

Reigns: Gotcha dog!

Reigns gives a small mock salute to Lynch and turns to the portal

Reigns: Hey! Dick! Gimme some peas! I’ve had peas befo’!

He jumps into the portal and it closes with a pop. Lynch shakes his head and keeps walking

Frank: So….I guess they can access it at will, and it means at least we get help?

Brick: We hope..

Mr. Moneypennies : Sheeit..we will, dude

Dean: Maybe some ghosts will attack us and they’ll help us?

Mr. Dibbley: Superstitious cobbler old chap!

They walk through the gas venting room and into the main coridoor of B2, across the grated floor which used to be electrified

Bob: Demons…Yeah, the boogeymans real!

Billy: Almost as real as the Banana Man!

Ivan: In Vussia, Man bananas you!

The mercenaries laugh amongst themselves and turn the corner

Lynch: Yeah! I mean! Come on, how could these things be re—

They quieten as they hear a huge, metallic stomping sound coming from inside the elevator

Bob: ..The hell?

The mercenaries watch as the door flies open…

What stands before them is a form which is over 8 foot tall, covered in head to foot in brightly coloured yellow armor, with a green helmet with a slitted grid-like mouth and glass eye coverings. On his back is a giant yellow fuel tank, and in his head is the nozzle of a flamethrower, with a yellow body, green head-nozzle, and green fuel tube


Frank: He’s a fucking myth—

He aims his flamethrower at the mercenaries and sends a gigantic stream of fire towards them, they all scream and quickly run around the corner



They all run into Otacons lab and pull the door shut, breathing heavily. Maurice runs over to one of the Supercomputers and topples it over. Phil, Dean, Karab, Brick and Lynch rush over, pulling and pushing it on its side in front of the door.

Phil: Oh man! Oh man! thefuckthefucktheFUCK?!?!?!

Frank: ..Did they found us out or something?

Brick: It’s Halloween!!! Every Halloween The Man In The Banana Suit comes to kill the unrighteous—

Lynch turns to Brick and clenches his fist

Lynch: If you so much as are fucking hinting that we’re unrighteous!!!!!—

Bob: Guys! Guys! We need to band together and defeat this thing!

Mr. Dibbley: Perogative objective to eliminate this dastard!

Man In The Banana Suit : I SMELL YA ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Will: He your cousin, Brick?

Brick: Bloody bastard was feared in the backwaters of Texas, dammit! TEXAS!!!



Billy throws down Will onto the floor and he wakes up. Billy joins the makeshift line of defence.

Will: Huh..wha-

Mr. Dibbley, Moe, Vince, Maurice, Billy, Dave, Frank, Bob, Steve, Karab and Dean line a few feet from the door, aiming their weapons at it

Mr. Dibbley: Jolly good day to die, chaps..

Bill: Fuck that, I’m living!

Bill dives under one of the metal desks

Will: Uhhhhhhhh……….yeah, me too.

Will runs towards the lockers and grabs the one next to Otacons, opening it and getting in

Will: if you all die, I’ll repay you in heaven with my looks!

Will slams the door shut

Mr. Moneypennies: Brick? Nigga? Can I join too—

Lynch: NO!! Goddamn pussy! MEN ! NOW!

Dean bares his teeth and growls. Frank looks at him.

Frank: Looking constipated, Dean

Dean: Looking drunk, Frank.

Frank: ….Yup

Lynch lowers his FAMAS and looks at Frank

Lynch: HOW?!?!?!

Frank: ……I found some rocket fuel earlier

Ivan: Fool! You fart and ve all die!

Billy: From the poison or the flames?

Jericho: Both!

A huge, metal fist pounds through the door. Karab shakes his head and screams, dropping his FAMAS Assault Rifle and jumping into Otacons locker, slamming the door.


The Man In The Banana Suit: I IS EATING TONIGHT!!!


Silence. Nothing happens.


Maurice: Nah, mate. Whatcha gonna do?

Lynch: Goddammit you fucking idiots—

All fo a sudden, a bright flash of blue light fills the room, the mercenaries are left staggering around. Will and Dave are on the floor, clawing at their eyes. Phil and Lynch collide, Ivan and Jericho are wrestling eachother in thoughts the other is an enemy, and Frank, Sal, Dean and Karab are firing blindly around the room. A few moments later, they look around.

Dave: ..The hell now?

Maurice: Woah man..I propah smell cookies, like..

Phil and Lynch slowly look at eachother.

Lynch: ……..Oh…damn.

They both turn to slowly look at the new figure in the room: Standing at 5’ 6” is the inhuman, yet curvaceous form of Tavi Inuko. With steely gray short fur covering her entire body, complete with spiked, chopped hair, and a brown stripe running from her hair to her nose. Her tail is swaying out some length behind her, the same color as her body with a steel-black tip. She is wearing a short white shirt, revealing white fur down her stomach, as well as jeans and army boots


Tavi looks around, a metal tray of chocolate chip cookies in her arms. She spots Phil and grins.

Tavi: Phil! You summoned me!

Phil: I deny all implications. Instead I point you to THIS FUCKING PSYCHOTIC BANANA MAN!!!

Tavi: What?

Tavi looks up at the fist in yellow armor clawing at thin air through the door

Tavi: …Guys, I know it’s Halloween..Not April Fools! That’s clearly one of you in a costume!


Tavui: Yes. Believable. Very. Belie—

She bursts out laughing

Tavi: Ahh,….sorry, you all crack me up, cuties! Really do!

The green nozzle of the flamethrower is shoved through the hole in the door.

Banana Man: BURN!!!!

A huge burst of flame fills the entranceway to the door. Dean, Bob, Steve, Frank, Maurice, Moe, Dave and Lynch all jump back.

Lynch: Dave. Hair.

Dave looks up at his hair which is now on fire.


Dave rushes over to the nearest wall, starting to slam his head off it to put the fire out.

Tavi: guys were serious?! Sowwee! By the way, Phil…Cookie?

Apparently oblivious to the fact that Phil, Moe the Midget, Steve, Jericho, Sal and Dean are busy holding a filing cabinet against the hole in the door as the Banana Man makes repeated holes in the door by punching it full force, she holds out her tray of cookies


Tavi: …..How?

Steve: Maybe move?

Moe: Shoot?

Ivan: I’ve got ze best idea! Ve blow the door down!


Unaware of this, Ivan pulls open the 2nd draw of the filing cabinet and throws some C4 in.

Ivan: I vecommend you vacate zis door in….5 seconds

Dean: Good plan.

They all dive to the left as the C4 detonates in an orange, yellow and black cloud of inferno. Smoke drifts into the room, but the towering form of the Banana Man slowly stomps through the door


Bill quickly crawls out from under the table, raising his hands

Bill: Southern brotha! The South shall rise again!


Bill: Huh?!

Billy raises his PSG1 Sniper Rifle to his shoulder and fires a potshot at the Banana Man. The bullet pings and the Banana Man simply shrugs it off

Billy: ….Oh damn.

Banana Man: …..SEE Y’ALL LATER!

Maurice: Nah ya won’t!!

Maurice, Brick, Ivan, Jericho, Mr. Dibbley Lynch and Vince have grabbed Will/Otacons locker and are holding it like a battering ram


Lynch: NOW SAL!

Banana Man: What y’all saying?!!?!?!

Sal taps the Banana Man on the shoulder. He slowly turns around.

Banana Man: What’chu wanting?

Sal headbutts the Banana Man as hard as he can. Sals eyes cross and he collapses backwards. The Banana Man stumbles


Lynch: MOE!!

Moe the Midget slowly walks up to the Banana Man and headbutts his crotch plate. He doubles over, crying out in pain

Moe: Goolie Headbutt! Spot on!

The mercenaries scream and charge forward. Will himself is now busy pounding on the locker door

Will: WHY DID I LOCK IT?!?!?!

Mr. Dibbley: TALLY HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

They connect square with the Banana Mans chest and he reels backwards, hitting the wall. They keep pushing, but the fuel tank on his back stops the damage, and he quickly starts to pound away at the Lockers back panel in hope to move it away


Dave reaches into his pocket and pulls a throwing star out shaped like a Swastika


He stops and looks up at Dave

Dave: Nice to meet JEW!

He throws the star at the Banana Man and it hits his fuel tank. A hissing sounds fills the room.

Banana Man: Ah chutspa.

The others quickly back away, still carrying the locker, as the gas from the leak meets the flicker of flames from the end of Banana Mans flamethrower. His entire body is quickly consumed in flames and the metal shrinks

Banana Man: I SHALL LIVE AGAIN!!!!

The suit itself expands again violently when Jericho splashes some cold water onto the mans armor, and the inside of the suit sets fire. He lets out one final scream as he tears off his helmet, his head obscured by flames as the skin slowly blackens and chars, before he falls to the ground, erupting into a full blown fire. Dave looks down at the body, pulling out a pair of sunglasses

Dave: You can only fight fire…

He puts on the sunglasses

Dave: With fire.


Sound of record cutting.

Dave: ….Sweeeeet.

Lynch: Well done, Jackscar..Commendations for you!

Dave: Thanks, sir!

Jericho: off..I splashed the cold water on him!

Ivan: I blew ze door down zo ve could get at him!

Will: I was in the fucking locker! Can you guys get me out?

Lynch throws the locker door and the back panel pops off. Will emerges some time later and looks at Tavi

Will: ….Ayyyyyy…We’re in hell.

Tavi instead turns to Phil, who is busy extinguishing the fire from the corpse

Tavi: So..why did you summon me?

Phil: I deny all allegations.

Tavi: Cause you miss me?

Phil: With every grenade so far.

Tavi: You missed me!

Phil: But you haven’t done anything!

Tavi: Us women know what makes you men tick..

Lynch: Yeah! Just ask Frank!

Frank: Fuck you!

Lynch : “Oh yes Mantis! I’ll ride the Unicorn!”

Dean: That’s either extremely disturbing, extremely homosexual, or both.

Tavi: Come ON! I helped!

The mercenaries look down at the charred bones and melted, dripping metal that used to the Man In The Banana Suit

Lynch: ….No, I don’t think so

Tavi: Ok then..I’m going back

Phil: Tavi..before you do..

She turns around, glassing over her eyes purposely

Tavi: …..Yes……Phil?...

Phil: You have thrown the milk away, right? We’ve been stuck here for God knows how long and I’d just kick myself if it curdled!

Tavi opens her mouth, but she simply grins

Tavi: Trick or Treat?

Phil: Whats that got that to do with—

Tavi pulls an egg out from her cleavage and throws it at Phils face. He gasps, the rotten insides pouring all over his face


Tavi sticks her tongue at him, turns around and wiggles her ass

Tavi: One day Phil..One day..

Phil: IT’S IN MY EYES!!!!

Steve, Jericho, Ivan: Byeeeee!!

Tavi: Happy Halloween!

The blue portal appears and she jumps in. It disappears in a pink crackle of sparkles.

Billy: C’mon…hold still, Phil

Billy pulls out a flash of water and pours it on Phils face

Phil: I just got boob-egged! I’m blind Billy!

Will: Phil, be thankful. It’s the closest any of us have got to tits in a long time!

Mr. Dibbley: Well, it looks like we’re alive old chaps

Lynch: Can we just move?!

Lynch storms out of the door of Otacons office. Frank, Dave, Moe, Steve, Billy, Jericho, Brick, Bill and Will follow, Will riding on Bills back

Will : Oh Bill joor shoulders..they zo strong..

Bill: Oh Will, you’re such a homo.


Moe: More like Mangina!

Mr. Dibbley, Maurice, Bob and Ivan help up Phil and exit the room. Vince is knelt beside Sal and uncaps some smelling salts, holding them under Sals nose

Sal: No mommy…I don’t want to go in the pink tutu…

Vince: Close enough.

Vince grabs Sals shoulders and hoists him up, slapping his shoulder

Vince: C’mon trooper.

Sal shakes his head groggily and follows him out the room. They exit into the body-filled coridoor

Vince: Wait guys!

They quickly rush up the coridoor and through the gas ventilation room, meeting the back of the mercenaries line

Brick: What kept y’all so long?

Mr. Moneypennies: Hurry crackas!

The mercenaries turn the corner and stare at the elevator as its doors slowly open to reveal six guards

Lynch: Oh for fucks—WHAT NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW????????!!!!!!!!


Bob: Huh? What?

Guard One: Zon’t play dumb vith us! Ve vere contacted by one ov our zown in ze Warhead Storage and he said zoo lot are ze intruders, and that ze fat one crushed Paulie !

The mercenaries turn to Obese Maurice

Maurice: Mah fault, lads

Frank: Oh..poo.

Moe: Ready to fight!

Lynch: Steady..

Guard Two: Ok..Are we gonna do this the easy way? Or the hard way?

Frank: Easy?

Guard One: Ok…you lot and ze big half-naked black man lower zoor weapons..

The mercenaries slowly turn their heads to eachother

Mercenaries: man?

The mercenaries slowly look behind them to see the gigantic form of Ahmed Johnson, towering in at well over 6 feet, standing behind them, arms folded., wearing his iconic gigantic padded red elbow pads, black and red wristbands and red upper-bicep bands, also wearing his wrestling attire of thick padded red kneepads, black boots with red kickpads, and red trunks with a studded belt.

Steve: …..This is new.

Johnson: . . . Why am I here?

Phil: Parley?

Johnson: Say what?

Frank: SAVE US!

Johnson raises his head and looks at the guards

Johnsion: AHMED CRUSH!

Johnson runs forward, his speed easily double most of the mercenaries, and steams into the guards, diving up and landing on top of them all. The guards collapse into a sprawl.

Johnson: GIT OUTTA HERE!!!

The mercenaries quickly run forward, past the huge sprawl and pack into the elevator. Johnson stands up, grabbing one of the guards legs, lifting him up and slamming him down so violently he explodes in a shower of blood


Johnson: MOVE FUCKERS!!!!

From almost out of nowhere, a glass side-door to an office slides open beside Ahmed and two figures run out from the office. One is the short, brown-haired, yet psychotic form of Robbie Stringller, wearing a solid grey military dress uniform, complete with shoulder boards, golden eagle pinbadge on the left breast pocket, and a dress belt with a silver belt buckle. He walks backwards towards the elevator, firing a German Luger wildly into the group of guards


Lynch: Robbie? What the hell?!


Out of the same slowly goosesteps another random person.

Howard Fink: Standing in at roughly five feet two inches, weighing in at two hundred and SIXTEEN pounds, wearing his khaki uniform, black balaclava in his pocket, brown hair, and the scruffy unshaven stubble look, I have had enough of describing this guy….HE IS! THAT RANDOM! GUYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!

Frank looks up


Steve: And on All Hallows Eve..time itself has transcended into itself.

Silence. Even Robbie stops shooting and looks back at Steve.

Vince: Say what?

Steve: I said click the fucking button!

Ahmed Johnson stands up, grabbing the only alive guy and hooking both arms behind his back

Johnson: PEARL RIVER!!!

The mercenaries watch as Ahmed lifts the guard up, and slams him down into a sit-down powerbomb with such force that the guard turns inside out and explodes in a shower of blood and red sparkles.

Mercenaries: Oooooooooooooooo………………Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………


Frank: No shit, Fink!


Sound of a microphone cutting off.

Johnson: Say wha—Man, that’s some sick shit right there!

Frank: Behind you, Ahmed!

Johnson stands up, flexing his pecs and growling

Johnson: I ain’t going to fall for that shit..

Karab: No! Seriously! I see a giant pickle!

Johnson: ….

He turns around and standing nose-to-nose with him is a man wearing a thick suit of armour, this time painted a garish bottle-green with various raised bumps across the steel plating of the torso

Armoured Person: I. AM. PICKLE MAN!!!! AND THIS. IS. SHADOW MOSES!!!

Johnson: ……….Ok?

Pickle Man: THEY. ARE. MINE!!!!!!

Johnson: Alright. Me. You. RIGHT HERE RIGHT NAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Silence. Coughing.

Pickle Man: ALL! RIGHT THEN!!!!

Several guards appear behind the Pickle Man

Guard One: Come on boys..get in..

Lynch: Ok then..Robbie, *BEEP*. Stay here and kill those sons of bitches!

Robbie: With pleasure!

That Random Guy: Awww man..

They turn around, opening fire at the guards. Ahmed jumps and headbutts the Pickle Man, who stumbles backwards

Pickle Man: THAT! WAS! MY HEAD!!!

Johnson: How about another, brother?!

The elevators doors shut as Johnson starts to punch repeatedly at the Pickle Mans suit

Lynch: This is just getting worse..

A small ping is heard, followed by soft classical elevator music.

Will: Goddamn such tension..

Frank: Whatevers happening…We can be glad the others aren’t getting the same treatment..

-Underground Maintenance-

One of the catwalks, next to REXs railgun, stand That Hispanic Guy, Stoofer, Johan and Bobby, holding paintbrushes dipped in blue paint…REX itself has not been touched, as a young black woman with short hair, an anchor tattoo on her bicep and wearing a red bandana is yelling at them. Inside the control room, Ocelot and Liquid watch from behind the bulletproof glass


Silence. Liquid Snake watches from the control room, with Ocelot by his side.

Snake: She seems to be popular..we found her just stumbling around the Heliport stating how it sucked because it was made by someone who probably wasn’t popular and got too much credit.

Ocelot: ….The fuck?

Johan raises his paintbrush to the metal arm, but Kamicheetah grabs it off him and throws it down into the nuclear waste-pool


Johan looks at That Hispanic Guy. That Hispanic Guy nods.

That Hispanic Guy: ………….Bawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Johan grabs Kamicheetah by her hair and throws her over the railing,. She screams, tumbles down several feet and lands with a sickening splash in the nuclear waste pool.

Snake: ….Jesus fucking Christ.

Stoffer turns to Liquid Snake and growls

Ocelot: Should I give them cake, sir?

Liquid; YES! Let them eat……………CAKE!

Ocwelot reaches into a draw below the main console and pulls out a cake decorated with black and orange icing to make it resemble a pumpkin

Liquid: I do so hope they like it! It took me forever to get the shape right!

=Elevator – Approaching Top Floor=

The doors open, and the old site of the cold, steel nuclear warheads greets them with their khaki tarpaulins within the cavernous concrete warehouse.

Frank: Uhh..why we here?

Lynch: To hold off several of the enemies until we can deduce there’s no longer a threat.

Frank: Really?

Lynch: Yeah….well, to wait until you lazy fucktards reach the Comm. Tower

Frank: …Ok?

Lynch: Steve! Dean! Karab! Bill! Billy! Brick! Dibbley! On me! HOO-RAH!

Silence. Lynch jogs out of the elevator humming “Scream Aim Fire” Dean, Karab, Bill, Billy and Steve walk out uncomfortably into the warehouse

Bill: May as well get stuck with the batshit insane one..

Mr. Dibbley slowly waddles out

Dibbley: Good luck, old beans.

Frank: Yeah, well, better you than us!

Mr. Dibbley turns around


Frank clicks the button and the doors shut before Dibbley can finish, and the elevator doors shut.

Frank: So charming, aren’t they?

Vince: Real classy..

Moe: Anyone feel we’re the cannon fodder?

Maurice: Aye..

Frank: Stop complaining!

Phil: …Drunken asshole.

Frank: I’ll stop and turn this elevator around!


Phil: Sure!

Vince: That’ll do!

Frank: Suckers!!

The elevator doors open and Moe jumps up, headbutting Frank in the small of his back.

Frank: OW! HEY!

He stumbles out of the elevator and turns to his now-small unit of men.

Frank: Men! LIVELY!

Jericho: Frank! ASSHOLE!


Frank bares his teeth and flexes his arms in an attempt to intimidate them

Ivan: Dumbass..

The mercenaries simply stand in the elevator, staring straightfaced at Frank, bored out of their skulls

Frank: Ok..Moe! You get in the vents and recon us, ok?

Moe looks around

Moe: Uhhh..where?

Frank points behind two stacked wooden crates in front of them. Moes eyes slowly wander to the floor where there’s a large square hole in the sideboards

Moe: …Yeah yeah..

Moe rushes over and dives down, crawling into the vent

Frank: Vince, Will, Sal. You lot patrol the supply room with me.. Dave, Jericho, Bob and Ivan…Make yourselves look pretty, but don’t give the game away! Maurice and Phil, tackle any guard that leaves this room.

Phil: Awesome!

Jericho: Can I smoke?


Frank: I gues—

Jericho: SWEETNESS! I need a crap, later.

Jericho walks off to the males bathroom, turning left at the end of the coridoor

Dave: Need a piss, later.

Bob: …I’m just going, bye

Ivan: I need to vestock some bullets..

Frank: This is practical storage..

Ivan: Then I create saltpeter by pissing in cup!

Ivan follows Dave and Bob into the Male Bathroom.

Frank: Ok men..GO!

Will, Sal and Vince moan, slowly slumping across the paneled tiled floor and into the storage room. The room itself is incredibly small, flanked by glass-doored offices and store-rooms to each side, with a dip in the middle surrounded by four mini sets of steps, the recess in which there is a wooden table, a Bonsai plant, and chairs. Across the walls are lines of orange pumpkin and black-bat bunting. Sal and Vince immediately jump into the recess and to the chairs. Frank himself walks in, looking down at the royal blue carpeting

Frank: Hehe! Wow! Might just kick these off!

Frank sits down on the northern set of steps and takes one shoe off, the leaves of the Bonsai plants immediately drooping.

Vince: Frank, put them back on before you endanger every living thing in this goddamn base.

Frank sighs and slips his shoe back on. Will himself is checking his reflection out in ne of the southern glass doors…only to notice that in the same room, Snake is peeking through a small glass window, busy staring at the guards asses. Will opens the door.

Will: perv!

Snake is still staring, drool streaming down from his lip.

Snake: I see bums!

Will: are one deeply disturbed motherfucker..

One of the guards turns around and sees Snake. The guard stops and stares through the window at Snake. An exclamation mark appearing above her forehead. Vince gives a small thumbs up to Will to say "Plan Will Work". The guard quickly runs out of the door, only for Phil to come out of nowhere and tackle the guards legs out from under them as Obese Maurice clotheslines the guard. Snake watches, open-mouthed, as the guard does a backflip and lands on their stomach, knocked out cold. Phil stands up and hi-5s Maurice.

Phil: Nice shot, Wor Maur! Look! I think we concussed him!

Maurice looks down, rubbing his forehead nervously

Maurice: Ah fuck Phil..think we made a mistake, y'know..

Phil: How?

Maurice: Male nay supposed to have titties!

Phil: What?

Snake keeps staring in disbelief, along with Will, Vince, Frank and Sal, as Phil lifts up the guards top, revealing a pink bra


Maurice: Wor! We Sweet and Soured her, mate! She gotta concussion!


Dave, Bob, Jericho and Ivan come out of the male bathroom

Dave: It work?

Jericho: ...The guards got a sweet pair of tits.

Bob: Wrong guard, guys?

Phil puts his hands on his knees in disbelief


Dave: Wrong guard.

Meryls leg twitches violently. A random guard looks over Phils soldier.


Phil, Maurice, Dave, Jericho, Bob and Ivan turn around, only to see a beam of green light appear behind the guard. The guard looks around.

Guard: Wh-what?!

Theme Song From Nowhere: Read the words that are written in their face
Why believe them? (Why believe them?)
It's a shame for fame you lost your head
A careless man could wind up dead
You wear your sin like it's some kind of prize--

Sheamus appears behind the guard. Again. He looks around, confused, before looking at the guards back, staring over his shoulder at the mercenaries

Sheamus : Ah, fah fucks sake, it's yeh lot again..

The guard turns aroumd, only for Sheamus to wrap his right arm around his neck, lift him into the air, and slam him onto his outstretched knee spine-first, hitting The Irish Curse. The guard screams as his spine snaps with a sickening crack, and he rolls off Sheamus's knee, insta-killed.

Sheamus: ...Fuck yeah!

Sheamus disappears in a flash of green light. The mercenaries simply stare.

Ivan: Vell..ze time-space continuum has gotten even vorse..

Snake slowly walks out of the nearby door, looking down at Meryl

Snake: You fucking bastards! This is my contact you concussed!

Phil: ....Sorry?

Snake looks around, grabbing Meryls legs

Snake: I won't tell if you don't

Snake cackles and drags Meryl into the womens bathroom, slamming the door behind him

Jericho: Well, at least the man knows his opportunities!

Frank: Wonder how the other two are doing—

Phil: Goddammit Frank! Stop worrying! They’re doing perfectly, I betcha!

=IN B2=

The battle is still raging ferociously in B2. Robbie is taking cover behind the right recess of the T-shaped coridoor, while That Random Guy is hiding in the left recess. Ahmed Johnson and the Pickle Man are still trading heavy blows. Robbie pokes his head out from cover and a guard opens fire

Robbie: Holy crap!

The Pickle Man quickly gets Ahmed in a headlock. One of the soldiers breaks from cover, only for Robbie to shoot him between the eyes with his Luger

Robbie: Six more to go! You got that thing ready yet, *Beep*

That Random Guy: Damn straight...behold!

That Random Guy holds up what appears to be nothing more than a tin can with screw-top

That Random Guy: The Gas Emitter...You ready for this? We can make a rocket!

Robbie: How?

That Random Guy: I throw, you shoot tin, it lands near enemies, KABOOM! Big red shiny mess hits the walls

Robbie: Sounds good to me, AHMED! WATCH OUT!

The Pickle Man headbutts Ahmed, but he simply shakes it off and hits him with a strong right before diving down the coridoor and rolling to the right behind cover. That Random Guy throws the canister, and Robbie shoots it with a Luger shot. The can, which has emitted a sort of liquid gas since being unscrewed, fires towards the Pickle Man as a makeshift fireball. The Pickle Man simply bats it to his left and it lands in one of the rooms, exploding and showering him with blood, organs and glass

Robbie: least we got four more to go!

Ahmed runs up to the Pickle Man, jumps, vgrabs him in a headlock and bulldogs him to the ground

Pickle Man: DAMN! THAT! HURT ALOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Johnson: Stop with the Sparta-isms, bitch! It’s Pearl River Plunge time!

Two guards jump on Johnsons back, but he simply slams one against the wall, causing him to explode into a red smear, and throws another at another guard, causing them both to explode in a yellow, orange and black inferno



A guard slowly appears behind Ahmed, clutching a monkey wrench. He raises it above his head, but Robbie pulls German Stielhandgranate and twists the cap

That Random Guy: Robbie, what is it with you and Nazi weaponry?

Robbie: I collect it, goddammit!

That Random Guy: You collect LIVE Nazi weaponry??!?


He throws the grenade and it arcs over Ahmeds shoulder. The guard catches it and grins

Guard Seven: Pfff...tis a freakin’ collectors item, whats the worst it can—

The grenade explodes, showering the coridoor with blood and organs. That Random Guy runs at Robbie and they jump, hi-5ing in the air.

Pickle Man: NOT! MY! DAMN GUARDS!!!!!!!!!!!

Johnson: Parties over!

The Pickle Man swings an elbow behind him for Ahmed, but Ahmed ducks under, lifts him by his legs and slams him to the floor, before picking him up and hooking his arms behind his back

Johnson: PEARL RIVER PLUNGE!!!!!!!

Johnson lifts up the Pickle Man

Pickle Man: NOT! THIS! WAY, FINK!!!!

Johnson slams him violently to the ground in a Pearl River Plunge, causing the armor to collapse in on itself and the Pickle Man himself to dissipate into a thick, gluey paste of marrow and blood.

Robbie: Ahmed Johnson...Defying physics..

Johnson wipes his hands free from blood on his trunks, raising his arms


Ahmed Johnson keeps the pose going until he disappears in a bright red haze of light

Robbie: ................So, Checkers?

That Random Guy: I’m Black this time!


Snake and Meryl, the tomboy with ruby-red hair, wearing olive green combat pants with a black vest and black boots, and a Desert Eagle strapped to her waist via a black cargo belt, walk out of the bathroom to an ominous silence.

Meryl: That's strange. There's no guard....Tons of weirdos, though


Sal stands there, grinning

Sal: AH HAI!!!

Maurice: Quiet lads..Ya hear that?

Silence. Literal silence.

Frank: There’s nothing.

Maurice: Aye, that’s the point laddy...Story importance here, lads! Nay music!

Snake: Hey..what DID happen to the music?

Silence. Phil starts humming Sheamus's theme song. Jericho slaps him around the back of his head. Vince, Will, Sal and Frank walk out of the storage room.

Bill: Hey, anyone else notice it's gone quiet? Like, REAL quiet?

Billy: No shit.

Dave: I bet Frank broke it.

Frank: Shut up! It's pretty eerie! You don't suppose it's something to do with Lynch's group, do you?

Bob: Why?

Frank: ....I dunno. Lemme check.

Frank clicks the button on his walkie-talkie

Frank: Homies In Area! Homies In Area! This is Big Papa Bear wondering where Baby Bears are at!


Will: Gay.

Frank: Fuck you!

The receiver on the other end crackles with stomach, the radio waves slightly compounded by the raging blizzard. Static-filled voices are heard over the walkie-talkie

That Random Guy: Shits done down here...

Frank: Good, come on back!

That Random Guy: So much for that game of Checkers, Robbie

Robbie: Don’t worry, *BEEP*, we’ll kick his ass later

The sound of a beep and a thud. The elevator doors open to reveal the unforgotten mercenaries, Robbie and That Random Guy. Robbie keeps his eye down the sights, walking out with assault rifle ready. He scuttles out of the elevator, pointing it around the coridoor

Robbie: Clear.

Robbie gives the thumbs up to That Random Guy, who walks out

That Random Guy: Dudes, what happened to the music?

Frank: We have no idea..

Maurice clicks the button on his walkie talkie

Maurice: Little Moe, you there, Little Moe?

The receiver effortlessly picks up a signal

Moe: Right near ya, Wor Maur!

Maurice: Hows the vents?

Moe: Fuckin' dirty! I'm hearing weird things, too!

Maurice: ..Like? Apart from t'silence?

Moe: Crying..Lotsa crying!

Phil: Sounds like Wolf.

Frank: Yeah..but she's not in the first game..So who the hell could it be?

Sal: Psycho Mantis?

Jericho: Yes, PSYCHO Mantis, not EMO Mantis or PUSSYWIPE Mantis. PSYCHO Mantis.

Moe: Hey..what the- Somethings in here with me!

Maurice: Got outta there Little Moe!


Moe scurries out of the vents at their feet and stands in front of them, clutching his Desert Eagle and breathing heavily, almost scared

Moe: There were fucking something, Maurice!

Snake and Meryl just keep watching.

Meryl: Ok..these guys are starting to weird me out..Shall we continue with our mission objectives?

Snake: Hang on..I want to know what the fuck happened to the music..

Frank: What was it, Moe?

Moe: No idea, lads. No idea..It came up behind me, started crying, I almost pissed myself and got the hell outta there!

Jericho: Hang on...doesn't Crying Wolf appear in the Snowfield in the--


Jericho: Why? Does it break the space-time continuum?

Sal: YES!

Frank: Well, he does have a point, she does appear in this environment, just at a later date.

Silence. Everyone looks at Phil.

Jericho: That follow the rules of the space-time continuum?

Sal: Yes. Yes it does.

Phil looks at Sal, straight-faced.

Sal: Sorry buddy.

Silence. Sound of heavy-breathing. The mercenaries look around, confused.

Snake: Look..guys...................Whatever. We have to get going.

Meryl: Seriously, Snake, My crotch is really so--

Snake: I don't want to know about your vagina! Let's just continue the story!

Meryl: Asshole.

Snake: Bitch.

They both walk through the northern door, and it shuts behind them, leaving the Mercenaries and their silence.

Robbie: So..what now?

Phil: We die.

Jericho: Maybe you, I don't want to!

Phil: WE. ALL. DIE.

Will: Man, this is worse than Sonichu.

Silence. The mercenaries turn to Will.

Lynch: …..The fuck is “Sonichu”?

Will: Man, you know, that comic the autistic kid drew..looks like a pile of spaghetti on paper. I print it onto silk and use it to wipe my ass, you kno—

Frank: I don’t WANT to know! Let’s just go, shall WE?!

Will: Lead the way, cannon-fodder!

Frank slowly walks through the northern door, surrounded by his now-mini squad of Maurice, Moe, Phil, Sal, Vince, Will, Bob, Dave, That Random Guy and Robbie. The door opens, revealing fantastically-hideous golden and black wallpaper covering the walls…. and they also see Meryl on her knees, clutching her head
Meryl: My head! IT HURTS!

Snake: What's wrong?

Meryl: Don't come here, Snake!

All of a sudden, the mercenaries normal view of things switch: It feels like they’re viewing things through a wavy sea-blue filter, zooming around through an unknown room, picking up the views of a carved wooden desk, a leather office chair, and several marble busts of unknown, presumably important, people. It quickly vanishes and Will stumbles back, shaking his head

Will: Whoa....Headfuck!

Sal: Feels like psychotropic drugs!

Bob: Yeah! You’d know something about that!

Snake: Are you okay? What happened?

Meryl slowly gets to her feet as if nothing happened. When she speaks, her soft voice has now transformed into something almost robotic and generic

Meryl: I am fine. Let us go.

Meryl walks to the north to the awaiting door.

Meryl: Come in Mr. FOXHOUND and his circus monkeys. The commander is waiting.

Frank: Circus monkeys? Shut up, bitch!

Meryl: Your mother.

Frank: Why you—

Frank steps forward, but Jericho grabs him in a headlock

Jericho: Goddammit shit for brains! She’s obviously gone loopy!

They fail to notice that both Meryl and Snake have gone through the northern door into the room.

Frank: Dammit. Let’s rock.

They slowly walk through the northern door and into the Commanders Room. The room itself is quite small, but marvellously decorated. To the top-center of the room is a carved desk, behind which sits various limestone sculptures on black marble rests which have been gilded in gold. A leather armchair is situated behind the desk, and several paintings of unknown figures hang in golden frames behind it. To the right are several more busts, and a small, black urn, as well as a Victorian-style rocking chair with floral padding. To the left are several more unknown, nameless paintings in golden frames, with yet more busts and the head of an unknown animal, to worn, dusty and torn to figure out it’s species, hanging from a wooden black above a carved wooden armchair.

Will: Now this..I could live in this..

Meryl, however, starts shaking violently as soon as she sets another foot into the room


Frank and Dave raise their rifles

Bob: Stop you fools! You’ll kill her!

Robbie aims his pistol as well

Robbie: That’s the idea..

She points her Desert Eagle at Snake. Frank and Dave pull back the levers of their rifles, loading the magazines into place as the rest watch. Meryl slowly walks towards Snake, moving side to side as if she was swaying, her Desert Eagle still pointed at the head of Snake

Meryl: Snake... do you... like me?

Snake: What the!?

Meryl: Do you like me?

Snake: Uhhhh..

Meryl: Hold me, Snake.

Snake: Fucking sweet!

Snake moves forward

Frank: She’ll fucking shoot you, man!

Meryl: Hurry... hurry! Make love to me!! Snake, I want you!!

Snake: Aw man it’s worth it!

Meryl: Yes. And for the circus monkeys.

A door to the north-east of the room slides open. Lynch, Steve, Mr. Dibbley, Dean, Karab, Brick, Bill and Billy walk out, arms spread-eagled, legs swinging forward, as if they’re tied to strings.

Lynch: Kill...Frank...Kill...Frank

Frank: Aw man! I wish the Mechanics were here! I can’t even imagine the pain they’re suffering!

=Underground Maintenance=

Across one of the catwalks a conga line of Johan, Stoofer, That Hispanic Guy, Liquid Snake and Ocelot is moving, all shirtless and wearing orange and black parachute pants, carrying a bottle of beer in their free hands

That Hispanic Guy: ARRIBA ARRIBA!!

=Commanders Room=

Mr. Dibbley: Chip chip. Kill mercenary brothers.

Behind Meryl and Snake, We see Psycho Mantis, weafring a black skin-tight armless uniform with various wires emerging from parts of the uniform, coupled with a sinister jet-black gas mask whose eyeholes are made from orange-tinted glass, behind Meryl. He is controlling her.

Mercenaries: Whoosa?!

Sal: Nigra! It’s Mantis!

Frank: The one who controls sweetypie?

Mantis: Hello......

Snake: Guys! GAAACCKK!!

Meryl has her hands gripped tightly around Snakes throat, throttling him


Mantis: Yes...Throttle him

Snake: Keeps mah pimphand strong!

Snake deals a vicious backhands slap across Meryls temple. She collapses back, out cold

Mantis: Useless woman!

Snake turns around and notices Mantis. He jumps slightly.

Snake: So...optical camouflage..Hope that’s not your only trick.

Mantis: You! You doubt my power!?

Sal: I do.

Jericho: And me.

Ivan: me as vell..

Mantis: Yeah, but you lot are brainless dopes! THIS SNAKE DOUBTS MY POWERS?!?!?!

Snake simply chooses to ignores Mantis, looking down at Meryl

Snake: Goddamn!

Mantis: Now, I will show you ALL why I am the most powerful practitioner of
psychokinesis and telepathy in the world!!!!!! There's no need for words, Snake. I am Psycho Mantis!!!!!!!! That's right... this is no trick! It is true power!!!

Snake simply pulls out his SOCOM and points it at Mantis. Instincively, the brainwashed mercenaries point their FAMAS rifles at Snake. The normal mercenaries respond by pointing their guns at the brainwashed mercenaries.

Mantis: It's useless. I told you, I can read your every thought. Now...let me read your mind. Or your past!

Mantis huffs and puffs

Mantis: Haha! I can see you like love breasts...You have fondness for wolf-dogs, you like snow, walks in the park, and cups of Ice Tea. In battle, you’re stealthy....VERY sneaky, like a Snake.

Frank: Naturally!

Snake: And you walk into traps such as Claymores and think “WHOAMFG HOLY CRAPZORZ” and like to snap peoples necks.

Snake: A fucking fortune teller could tell me that.

Mantis: Can he tell you those guys standing behind you are from the future?


Frank: ....FUCK.

Snake: Yeah. That’s believable.

The mercenaries breathe a sigh of relief. Phil turns around to Johnny Cash, who has appeared, wielding his acoustic guitar like a baseball bat

Phil: It’s alright Johnny..we’re safe

Cash: Don’t care. Wanna smash some heads!!!

Mantis: You still don't believe me?! Very well...I will show you my psychokinetic power. Put your controller on the floor...


Snake: Do WHAT?!

Sal: Now HE’S breaking the fourth wall!

Dean: Quiet Sal. I shall vanquish your demonic soul from the Earth should you continue.

Karab puts on a pumpkin mask.

Karab: I am Great Pumpkin. Fear me.

That Random Guy: So.....Karab hasn’t been brainwashed?

The mercenaries shrug

Mantis Put it down as flat as you can... that's good. Now I will move your controller by the
power of my will alone!! HYURRRRGGHHHH!!!

He throws his arms out in front of him.

Snake: Ok? Gimp.

Mantis: What do you think now!? Can you feel my power now!?

Snake: Not even a little.

Mantis: Then the demonstration is over!! Mercenaries!! Kill your brothers!! shall battle me!

Snake: Bring it fagface.

The brainwashed mercenaries slowly waddle behind Snake and stands nose-to-nose with their other, unaffected mercenaries. Mr. Dibbley is facing Sal.

Sal: Yeeeaaahhh..I gots a penguin..

Dibbley thrusts forward, shoving his beak through Sals lip, piercing it


Mantis: Now! Leave!

A bright flash of sea-blue floods their senses, and when they blink, they are outside in the B2 coridoors.

Announcer: FOIGHT!!!!


Frank: This. Is. Fucking. Bad.

Lynch jumps on Franks back and locks him in a tight Sleeper Hold. The elevator doors shoot open and eleven Genome soldiers emerge

Soldier 1: Zere zey are! Zoo vill never back out of zis rematch!

Sal runs past them with Mr. Dibbley slapping him with a wet trout, screaming at the top of his lungs. Steve jumps at Phils back and starts to pull his hair and bite his ear


He slams his back against the wall, but Steve keeps a tight grip

Frank: Meeeeen...fiiiiight...

Jericho, Ivan, Robbie, That Random Guy, Maurice, Moe, Will and Bob adopt kung-fu stances, screaming wildly at the top of their lungs


Billy robotically grabs the door into the storage rooms and tears it off its hinges.

Billy: Target locker. Caber tossing commencing.

Will: Oh. Fuck.

Billy looks over Wills shoulder.

Soldier 1: Ah...vat ze vuck?!?!?!?!

A bright flash of blue light fills the room. The mercenaries stand there, unaffected

Bob: Parley?

In front of them, Johnny Cash appears and pushes them back. Lining up in front of the mercenaries are Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr., Dean Martin, The Motor City Machineguns, Lemmy, Ahmed Johnson, Ken Shamrock and Michael Bisping

Shelley: Hey guys! MACHINEGUNS TENHUT!

Soldier Two: What the hell? Halloween costumes?

Johnny Cash stands in front of the line.


Coming Soon: Part VII
A showdown beckons between the brainwashed and the brainless! With an army of cameos joining the fray, have the odds been balanced or are they beyond help with the mercenaries behind help? Can a Johnny Cash return to the Mercenaries beckon a victory in this ultimate battle? Will the Rat Pack give the kiss of death to the enemies? Will Frank ever see Mantis again? And will Snake have kept his pimp-hand strong enough to do battle with Psycho Mantis? Tune in next week, as we see the conclusion of this epic battle, featuring a gimp mask removal, Porno magazines of ultimate distraction, The Machinegun Shuffle, the cameo re-appearance for the ages and baby wolves pissing on cardboard boxes. Stay tuned!

Saturday, 24 October 2009

Chapter V - Happiness Is A Warm Killer Bipedal Nuclear Walking Robot

The scene opens up with our beloved klutzes in an area which should never be entrusted to gunhappy morons such as these: Nuclear Warhead Storage. As the huge door behind them slides shut, shutting out the white-out inducing blizzard which could freeze the weakest man, our Mercenaries, in their large, Assault-rifle toting group, stand there, looking down the concrete slope at the grey, yet olive-green tinted blast door from the neon lights above it.

Lynch: Ok, you morons, listen up..This is where they store Nuclear Warheads. Now, I have rules..Rule One: If any of you discharge a gun, I will slice off your balls. Rule Two: Someone is with Ivan all the time. If he grabs C4, pounce him, last thing we need is to in the epicentre of a nuclear detonation. Rule Three: No drinking the water. RUle Four: Steve, do not hug the warheads. These things can mutate cells, the last thing I want is another member of the Unit with tentacles..

Bob sighs

Bob: I miss her.

Lynch: SHUT UP! Do you all have that?

Mercenaries: Yup.

Dean: But what if someone shoots us? Can't we shoot back?

Brick: We're mercenaries..We do what we do best

Phil: Fight dirty?

Brick: Nope, we run like cowards!

Steve: I like that..

Bill: Sounds good to me!

Lynch: ...Glad to hear, you worthless sacks of fucking--On we go!

The group walk forward, underneath the shadow of a huge iron-grate catwalk to their upper right. As soon as they reach the bottom of the slope, they face every mercenaries most dangerous enemy: Unopening doors.

Lynch: Steve? Little help?

Steve shakes his head

Steve: Manual control needed. No Keycard to open this one.

Ivan: I blow it up?!?!

Jericho: NO!!!

Ivan whines.

Lynch: Ok..manual control..

Dave raises his gun. Lynch turns to him, bares his teeth and growls. Dave quickly lowers his gun. Lynch tilts his head, looking at the door. Frank tilts his head too. The mercenaries watch.

Jericho: Nowt like watching 2 absolute divs try and figure out how to open a door.

Lynch: If only we had..JOHAN!

Silence. Lynch raises his arms to the air.



-Underground Base-

We cut to a shot of Johan, Big Bad Bobby, Stoofer and That Hispanic Guy, tightening nuts and bolts on the giant, club-like steel foot of Metal Gear REX, the rest of the robot conveniently obscured by giant steel catwalks and green titanium grips holding the robot in place. Johan wipes his hands with an oily rag and turns to Liquid Snake, whos' watching intently

Johan: You say something, chief?

Liquid: Me? No. Why? You heard something too?

Johan: Yes, must have been Rex settling.

Liquid: I don't think Rex would go "Johaaaaaaaannnnnnn"

That Hispanic Guy: Imagine if it did, ese....Imagine if it did! You'd be big in Hispanic communities! You know, if they don't know you're trying to take over the world and nuke it and shit.

Liquid: Yes, well, we need no more praise from communities! We are our own people! We are Outer Heavan!

Stoofer looks around

Stoofer: Looks more like Outer Shitheap.

Liquid: SILENCE!!!! I KILL YOU!!!!

Stoofer growls, grabs Rex's foot and starts to lift it up. Liquid screams


Bobby: Maricon.

Liquid: What you say?

Stoofer grabs REXs foot again, and Liquid screams, running out of the Underground Maintenance door

-Back at Warhead Storage-

Lynch: I got nothing.

Silence. The mercenaries all look around helplessly

Jericho: Defeated by a frickin’ door..

Sal: I have a plan!

A lightbulb appears above Sals head and switches on. Lynch grabs the lightbulb, squeezes and crushes it into metal and glass shards with his hands, failing to notice the blood pouring from his right palm

Frank: Uhh..Lynch? Hand.

Lynch licks the palm of his hand. They all wince.

Maurice: Dude..fahckin nasty..

Steve: ….Ew.

Lynch smeers the blood all over his face, staring at the door


He lowers his head, charges forward and hits the door. His bald head does nothing to give an impact, and instead the door simply thuds and Lynch falls backwards. They all look down at him.

Phil: He should really stop doing that.

Sal: No..I like him when he’s KEERRRRAAAZZZZZYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

Silence. Everyone stares at Sal.

Karab: Moron.

Sal: Fuckmook.

Bill: Cockwipe.

Steve: I have idea!

Everyone turns to Steve.

Steve: ..Only kidding. I’m hungry, and I think I smell chips on the other side of the door..

Maurices eyes widen.

Maurice: ……CHIPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maurice screams and charges forward, slamming into the door at such high speeds that it bends backwards, snaps off it’s hydraulics and falls to the floor, the open doorway now covered in steel, plaster, and a thick spraying of CO2.

Steve: Plan worked. Let’s roll.

Frank: That’s good enough for me!

All of the mercenaries stroll through the door, through the CO2 spray and into the nuclear warhead storage warehouse.

The warehouse is gigantic. Vast. The warheads to their left, some covered in khaki tarpaulins, some exposing their steel shells and black explosive markings with warning indicators, are proof of this warehouse being used to store the warheads for Metal Gear REX. Past the warheads lies the ascending metal staircase, erected by high steel girders, and the left side resting comfortable against the concrete wall. Following the gridded-steel catwalk and the metal handrail, in the dead-centre of the second floor are two, grey-blue heavy metal elevator doors, with the indicative stencil of “EV” painted onto the right-hand door. A bell pings somewhere inside the warehouse, echoing throughout the vast warehouse, indicating the elevator has started it’s descent to a lower floor.

Lynch: Now…remember. NO firing weapons. Snakes obviously gone there-

He swipes his arm and points a hand at the upper-floor elevator doors

Lynch: And we need to follow suit without attracting suspicion. Ideas?

Phil points to their right: A large grey truck is parked there, much like a clone of the truck in the Heliport, out-of-place, the rear of the truck open and agape, revealing a lone cardboard box covered in a white sheet as it’s sole cargo.

Lynch: The fuck are we supposed to with that?

Phil: Drive like the wind!

Jericho: Uh-huh..and how we do reach a lower floor?

Maurice: Aye, floor it into the wall below the elevator?

Phil nods, grinning

Mr. Dibbley: I kind of like--

Lynch: How about we move before I slice your face open so deep you’ll resemble an ass?


Phil: …..Sounds like we’re moving!

Mr. Dibbley: He’s a charming man, isn’t he?

Lynch: Fuck off, Pingu.

The mercenaries, in their group, walk forward barely two steps before a guard stands in front of Lynch, FAMAS raised and pointed at Lynch. The mercenaries swiftly point their guns at the guard. The guard is dressed differently, clothed in dull yellow, an almost gangrenous colour, with a black combat vest, leg holster and ammo belt. Notably, the major addition to the uniform is a yellow hood attached to the uniform, covering the back of the head and hair, and an eerie black gas mask.

Guard: Awfully big group………………..infidel.

Lynch: Yes, well---Say what?

Guard: Travelling heavy and with a penguin?...............................infidel.

Karab: Are you a Muslim?

Guard: No………………………………………infidel

Ivan: Have ve stepped onto ze property of Westboro Baptist Church?

Jericho looks at Ivan, and raises his hand to take the smouldering remains of his cigar out of his mouth.

Ivan: Vat?

Jericho: Wanna make a good impression….that cunt hates cigarettes.

Ivan: No, he hates fa—AH, yes, you’re British.

Jericho: Manchester born and bred, baby…..Now, are we fucked?

Guard: I think I know the intruder…………………………………………..infidel?

Lynch: Our unit number is M-two-five-six-eight. Group leader is Marcus Lynch. Group second in command is Frank Daniels. Tech support number T-two-five-three-four, Steve Llarec.

Guard: I vill check………………………………………….infidel.

Lynch: Gotcha……………………….douchebag.

Bill: Yes…………………………..cocksucker.

Guard: You say something, infi—

Dave runs to the side of the guard, charges at him and kicks him full force in the head. The guard does a sideflip and hits the floor, either dead or incredibly comatosed.


Dave stops and thinks

Dave: Fun.

Maurice: Good crack, moosh! Now lets get tha fahck outta here!

Phil: Hang on….can we leave this poor, hard-working soldier here?

Frank: No, we can’t.

Brick walks towards them, carrying some rope from a tarpaulin and grinning

=5 minutes later=

Lynch leans forward and presses the button of the elevator, which lights up. Behind them, dangling from the railing by one foot and suspended seven feet over the solid concrete floor, hangs the guard, tied with the rope Brick had from the khaki tarpaulin. Noteably, Steve has his left shoe in his hand, while the guards gas mask has been taken off, a permanent marker moustache and beard drawn onto him. As the mercenaries wait silently, the creaking of the extra weight on the hand-railing is heard.

Bob: So…y’all looking forward to going home to the gi—

All: No.

Bob: Only me—

All: YES!

Bob: Just checking…just checking…

Silence. Brick lifts his left leg and farts

Brick: WhooWEE! You smell that?

Lynch growls and turns his head to Brick. Brick keeps his face straight and lowers his head


Bill: Looks like we gotta fight!


A true army of…two extra soldiers appear from the truck, putting down their newspapers, hitching up their pants and slowly walking under the catwalk, oblivious to the fact that there’s a set of metal stairs to the catwalk to their right directly near the truck. Ivan looks over the railing and grins, his hand moving down his belt

Ivan: KA—

Lynch grabs Ivan in a headlock and pulls him away from the railing


The guards walk directly under their leader, and Steve grabs his knife and grabs the rope tying the leader to the railing. Instead, Karab and Dean vault over the railing, landing near the guards and grab them in headlocks, punching them wildly. Steve simply watches.

Steve: ……..Ok?

The rope snaps and the guard screams, hitting the floor with a thud.

Guard: ..My spleen!

Lynch: Maurice…You know what to do!

“Ride of the Valkyries” plays as Maurice walks to the railing above the downed guard. The guard looks up, mouth agape, as the shadow of Maurices beer belly falls over him

Guard: ………………………………………..SON OF A BI—

Maurice jumps over the railing and bellyflops onto the guard, squashing him and instantly killing him. Maurice stands up and walks around, back up the steps and to the mercenaries with a huge, red stain on the front of his uniform and the crushed form of a guard against him.

Vince: Nice, violent hug?

Maurice peels off the ultra-thin corpse of the guard and throws him over the balcony. Dean and Karab also join our mercenaries.

Dean: Sorted them.

They look over at one of the guards who is doubled over and pattering away from the building, screaming, pants around ankles, and the explosive warhead of a nuclear missile shoved straight up his ass.

Bill: Jesus, Dean!

Dean: I just pretended it was Sammy…Then I was reminded I couldn’t use guns so decided to violently humiliated him someway else!

Karab: I too humiliated my guard!

They look down and see the green, dried-out, shriveled corpse of a guard looking up at them, sheer look of terror to his face. On his chest is a High School Musical badge.

Sal: Oh come on Karab! That was banned under the Geneva Convention!

Bob: High School Musical..sucking the life out of people…

Phil: Literally!

The mercenaries turn to the elevator just as the doors slide open, and Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin stand there, grinning.


Shelley gives a peace sign.


Sabin: Sup?


The Motor City Machineguns slowly sidle out of the elevator

Shelley: Ok, but if you don’t want to know why we’re here—

Dave: We don’t. Move.

Sabin: ….Dammit guys! This is plot relevancy shit here!

Dean: We have a plot?!?!

Mr. Dibbley: News to me, chaps.

Frank: Just…tell us. We’re not Sonichu. We have a fucking plot and reputation to uphold here.

Bob: Says the drunken hobo

Frank: I resent that remark!

Phil: Resent it all you want, rummy, we know it’s true


The mercenaries and Motor City Machine Guns huddle into a large circle, putting their arms around eachothers backs

Sabin: Right, dudes, we’ve got a huge time-rift split. Seems like there might be a time limit.

Shelley: Yeah, the furry says so…..Oh yeah, Phil, Tavi told me tell you that if the rift gets any wider, she’ll be coming wearing nothing but an apron and carrying a tray of cookies


Maurice: What type ah cookies?

Shelley: Tactical maneuvers state that chocolate chip in place

Mercenaries: Sweeeeeeeet

Phil: Even I like that!

Will: Naked ladyyyyyyy…

Lynch: C’mon morons, shut up..We need to know more

Maurice: Chocolate Chip. That is all.

Steve: I’m interested, Alex! Continue!

Sabin: Good. We’re here because the rift is not only cutting between here and reality, but between here, there and reality. It’s linking this place, Beale Street and Walkers Street, as well as reality.

Sabin: It’s kind of a big deal.

Shelley: Sure is, Chris. Sure is.

Frank: And?

Sabin: Rummy, if you don’t finish this mission soon, the rifts going to tear open and release some real end-of-days shit.

Frank: Yeah. Sure.

Shelley: Seriously, the furry lady says that if it rips any further, history will become involved, as well as other dimensions.

Brick: That a bad thing?

Mr. Dibbley: Well, imagine you fighting ten clones of yourself, as well as running away from a hoarde of angry Velociraptors. That, and the entire fabric of being as we know it just folding in on itself and crushing us and killing us in the most achingly violent way possible.

Phil: Sounds cool to me, lets motor.

Sabin: It could even open…Hells Gates!

Ominous bell. Everyone turns to Steve, next to whom a giant brass bell has appeared, and he has a giant drumstick

Steve: Sorry guys!

Steve shoves the bell away, crushing an advancing guard against a wall, killing him with a smear of blood across the wall

Phil: Then that technically means Heaven would open too…Ohhhhh! Armageddon! Yeah…that is actually slightly bad.


Phil: Running out of beer.

Frank: I’ll second that.

Dean: Thirded.

Sal: Fourthed.

Jericho: Fifthed.

Bill: And sixthed.

Mr. Dibbley: Seventhed!--

Shelley: Guys! Game plan! We need to wrap this up or there will be no booze!

Silence. Frank runs from the huddle and pounds repeatedly on the elevators door.


The doors slowly slide open

Drebins Voice: Over-react much, dog?

Shelley: So..guys. Go to B2, meet with Otacon and Snake, go to B1, go through the Snowy Cave Pass….after that, well…apparently, “time has to run its course”

Everyone looks up at Shelley, who shrugs.

Shelley: Well…….bye guys

The huddle disbands as Shelley and Sabin walk over to the railing

Lynch: What? You slapnuts ain’t helping us?

Shelley: LIKE FUCK! Hell, we’re creating another rift just to get back to our match against British Invasion! LATER!

A blue, swirling portal opens beneath the railing. Sabin divebombs into it and Shelley turns to them

Shelley: Stay cool, dudes, penguin and snake

Mr. Dibbley: Saaaaa right..

Shelley puts his hands together and dives into the portal


He dives in and the portal snaps shut with a small *pop*

Frank: That is seven kinds of messed up..

Lynch: You heard the idiots, you fucking retards!

They all huddle into the elevator, and the doors close

Will: So..

Silence. The elevator activates and starts going down the shaft.

Vince: Been a strange day--

The portal opens high above, and Shelleys head pops out

Shelley: GUYS! GUYS!

The mercenaries slowly look up. Phil, Steve, Dibbley, Brick, Sal, Karab, Will and Bob scream


They scream even louder. The huge bicep of Rob Terry appears from the portal and wraps around Shelleys neck


The bicep pulls Shelley back into reality, and the portal disappears with a *fizz*

Dave: ….The fuck did he say?

Lynch: Something about Brits, Poison and Robs killing him.

Frank: Sounds awfully kinky to me..

Bob: Let’s go, guys!

The elevator reaches B2, but the doors remain shut

Drebins Voice: Hold it, dudes, there’s poison gas in there. You need designated meatpuppets.

Lynch: Designated meatpuppets?!......Well, bye the rest of you!

Drebins Voice: No chance, daddy-o! You need 4 guys!

Lynch: …..Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighhtttt….so, who here’s the suicidal o—

Phil steps towards the elevators doors

Drebin: That’s one crazymotherfucker!

Lynch: Ok, now we need someone who’s batshit insane..

Sal steps forward.


Drebin: Two insane motherfuckers!

Lynch: We need someone who doesn’t give a shit about killing things…suppose we need a battering ram too….

Crazy Ivan and Obese Maurice step forward

Drebins Voice: Suh-weet! CRAZIES GONNA GO INTO THE GAS!

The doors quickly open, and all 4 of them hold their breath and walk into the oddly green-yellow gas. The doors quickly shut as the other mercenaries watch

Will: …Dude, colour scheme was totally whack.

Steve: Indeed..most gas is colourless..What the hell?

Lynch: Lets hope they can disable that generator..


All 4 of them are standing there, cheeks puffed out, breath held, staring ahead as Snake is on one knee on his Codec, unaware of the mercenaries

Snake: Moe..Anything yet?

Maurice puts his hands together and slowly walks towards Snake, arms raised above his head and ready to club his back. Sal jumps on Maurice and pulls him back.

Moes Voice: I gotcha something Snake! HEY! GUYS! I SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOU!!!

The mercenaries slowly turn to the left and see the tiny form of Moe pressed against the see-through glass, patting at the glass. He’s wearing what must be the worlds smallest gas-mask and gangrenous yellow-hooded anti bio-chemical suit made famous by CBDC.

Moe: Can you guys breathe?

All 4 slowly shake their head.

Moe: Well…Can’t exactly break the generator myself.

Snake turns to them

Snake: ….You guys again.

They all nod, still holding their breathe and turning slightly blue

Snake: …Look, I know I’ve been an ass…

Sal waves his hand at him, smiling as if to wave it off

Snake: …but can you guys help me?

They nod.

Moe: Need you guys to find a remote-controlled missile and—

Without any warning, Phil grabs Sals arms, Maurice grabs his legs, and Ivan grabs Sal in a headlock. Sals screams are muffled, as he is deadly intent on holding his breath.


Moe dives to the side dramatically, as the mercenaries charge forward in slow motion. Sals eyes widen and he quickly shuts them tightly as they charge towards the glass. Sals mouth widens as he cannot hold his breath any longer

Sal : Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk…………….


Time quickly speeds up again and rather than follow through the battering ram, they flip Sal into a backflip and throw him at the glass. Sal smashes through the glass and hits the generators flip-lever, pulling it down with his boxers as he falls and giving himself a wedgie


And with a resounding “click”, the air vents activate and the oddly-coloured gas starts to filter out of the room, replacing it with the fresh, cool oxygen from the snowy exterior of the base. Ivan, Maurice and Phil all take quick gulps of air. Snake simply patters off down the hallway, the other advantage being that the once-electrified floor has now been deactivated.

Maurice: Stuff of legends, mate! Ya ok, Moe?

Maurice walks over to the shards of glass and leans a hand down. Moes small arm grabs his hand, and pulls himself up. He quickly pulls of his gasmask, revealing the baby-like face of Moe Zacharius aka Moe the Midget, complete with bald head and the outlines of a shaved goatee adorning his face

Moe: Sup Wor Maur?? Sup guys?

Ivan is now skipping around, singing “The Sounds of Music” and pretending to throw out petals. Sal is on the floor, bleeding and unconscious.

Maurice: Ah think we killed tha poor blighter!

Phil: He’s not dead. He’s just pretending, isn’t that right, Sal?

Sal lets out a small sob

Phil: Told you!

Drebins Voice: SHEEEEEIIITTTTT!!! I thought y’all would be victim to the gas! Ah well!

The elevator doors slide open, accompanied by the scene of Brick opening his arms

Brick: Open….Sessapaloo!

Dean: It’s open sesame, Brick.

Brick: Open…mamashakalakaboo!

Lynch shoves past Brick and into the coridoor, breathing the air. He lets out a small smile.

Will: Air is Lynch approved!…But to Will, it smells like someone shit themse---Oh! Hi Sal!

Sal: Fuck off….I’m hurt…

The mercenaries quickly exit the elevator. Jericho restrains Ivan in a violent headlock.


Bob rushes over and grabs a syringe from Ivans belt. Ivan stops struggling and gives a wide grin at Bob, revealing many chipped, broken and missing teeth.

Ivan: Whyyyyy helllooooooooooooooooo………….BOB!

Bob: Ok, you are officially starting to freak me the fuck out. Jabbety.

Bob jams the syringe into Ivans neck and presses the plunger. Ivans eyes glaze over and he lets out a long, deep sigh.

Frank: Soldier? You snapped out of it?

Ivan looks up

Ivan: Da.

Lynch: Lets go..

The mercenaries all shoulder their weapons, the magazines of their assault rifles (And Moes Desert Eagle) rattle with a resounding echo

Mercenaries: OO-RAH!

They walk down the coridoors and to the left, meeting a level 3 door. Dave laughs and shoots the control panel, making it slide open

Dave: What kind of retard would use a cardkey, eh?!

They walk forward into a tiny room, passing one of the gas ventilation systems, and laugh amongst themselves…until they open the next door, turn left and open the door riddled with bullet holes.

The door slides open, and what greets our mercenaries is a sight which could break even the most weakest man. Bodies,each dressed in the Nuclear Warhead Storage uniform, have been hacked and slashed. Their bodies are lined against the walls and floors in odd poses, many on their knees, their chests slashed open and revealing grinning white ribs amidst the still freshly-dripping gore from the wounds. Pink and brown intestines litter the floor like bloody confetti. Guards, grinning at the mercenaries through throats slit with a ruby-red carve. Blood has spattered the walls and floor, pooling and smearing the once-grey metal with shades of scarlet and ruby, and the occasional yellow when the neon light from the hanging light tubes reflect off of them. The door opening also greets the sickly sweet smell of blood and gore.

Somehow, our mercenaries simply stand there, straight-faced...except for Will, who has just passed out.

Lynch: ....Looks like we were late for the party

Phil: Y’know..I heard when guys die, they shit themselves..

Steve: Muscles loosening?

Phil: Yeah....but I smell no shit..I see intestines, through.

Phil points at one such bunch of bright pink fleshy intestines snaking out of the nearest corpses stomach through it’s cover of bright red scraps of flesh and gore.

Dave: Better them than us.

Frank: S-spoken like a true me-mer-mercenary...Let’s go..

Lynch: Hang on.....WHats got with you, for fucks sake?

Fank: J-just a horrid site...awful..god-awful..and the smell..when did blood smell so sweet?

Steve: The iron and chemicals in the blood..

Lynch: This is war, Frank. People die all the time. Bullets, bombs...That could’ve been us. Does it look like us?

Frank: N-no..

Lynch: Then be thankful and stop being afraid. Remember, you’re either safe in your group, or your dead. If your safe, don’t be afraid. If your dead, you can’t be afraid.

Sal slowly raises his hand

Sal: Can I be second in charge—


Frank: It’s not us..It’s not us..

Lynch: We’re mercenaries. We get paid to do this to other people. Get used to it. Our kind are reviled all over the world, but it’s a living.

Dave: An office job is a living too-

Frank: Yeah..but this is what we’re doing for money..the hired guns of a madman, protecting a young warrior on his way.

Will, who is now conscious, puts his head against the nearby wall and closes his eyes

Will: Wake me when Confucious finishes!

Dave: Yeah, but what about people who work fifty to sixty years in the same office, paid low wages, giving a paltry pension and sent on their way afterwards? Are we the villains for keeping a job? Or are they for not changing?

Frank: You can’t comp—

Dean: Two sides of the same coin, Frank. It’s fight or flight. Kill or be killed. Mercenary way, always has been.

Frank: ...Let’s do this.

Phil: Think about Mantis..c’mon , Jerry

Phil pats Jericho on the shoulder, and he opens his eyes and jumps

Jericho: Right as rain!

Lynch pushes Frank first into the coridoor. Frank shrugs and walks forward, ignoring the splashing sound as his black boots are coated in other soldiers blood.


Sal: I am not crazy here..

Lynch walks out next, followed by the rest of the mercenaries. Mr. Dibbley gets on his tip.............flippers, and looks at the nearby corpse of a guard who’s intestines are on the floor

Mr. Dibbley: A big blade to cause a cut this deep, chaps! Be on guard!

Moe: think it’s a demon?

Maurice: Nah, bud..Demons are propah not real, like.

Moe gulps

Moe: I hope so..

Phil walks forward and steps on a guards intestines.

Phil: Goddammit.

Phil kicks his shoe against the floor, but the intestines are stuck firmly on the sole of his shoe

Phil: Fucking Christ-Jerry, little help?

Jericho looks back, and down at his shoe, grinning

Jericho: .........No!

Phil: Dammit!

Phil keeps stamping on the floor. Ivan walks to he left, away from the huddle, and puts his foot on one part of the intestines. He holds it down as Phil scrapes it off against a wall, leaving a brown and red smear

Phil: Thanks dude..Jesus, wish these guys would shit before they die

Ivan looks down at his shoe

Ivan: Ahh..mothervucker..

Phil: HA! ZING!

Frank stops, and so does the group. Ahead of them is a blind corner.

Frank: I sense that around this corner....lies an evil, foul presence..

Sal: Oh fuck, it’s Raven

Will jumps up

Will: WHERE?!?!?!

Dave grabs his shoulders to stop him jumping

Dave: Hold it, studly!

Brick: Ah crap, it ain’t the Banana Man, is it?

Bob: Banana....Man?

Phil: Cousin of Pickle Man and Brother of Strawberry Man?

Lynch: I want to know what the hell you fucktards are on about..

Brick: Every Halloween.,..rumours swirl about the Food Family coming out and....MURDERING PEOPLE!

Dramatic synthesizer music. Everyone sighs and turns to Steve, who is sitting at a giant synthesizer.

Steve: ...Sorry guys!

Steve throws the synthesizer to the side, smashing through the wall and disappearing

Lynch: Whatever..there’s no such thing as—

Frank: GHOST!!!!!

Frank screams as a body slowly staggers into view, and jumps into the arms of Lynch.

Lynch: It’s just a wounded soldier, men! Show your resp—

All of a sudden, the mercenaries at the front of the huddle: Dean, Karab, Jericho, Dave and Mr. Dibbley, open fire with their FAMAS. The wounded soldier convulses violently over the hail of the bullets, and shudders to the floor, letting out a gigantic pool of blood as he collapses, dead. The mercenaries keep firing at the body.


Silence. Mr. Dibbley toddles forward, pulls a pistol out of his belt, and shoots the corpse a few times.

Mr. Dibbley: He’s done, chaps!


Lynch: Well, if we weren’t cowards before, we are now!

Dave: What cowards?! He scared us into tactically opening fire!

Lynch: He was fucking wounded! He was stumbling and clutching his gut!!!

Phil: ...He coulda had the shits!

Frank jumps out of Lynchs arms, picking up hios FAMAS Assault Rifle which he dropped to the ground

Frank: E-enough men....FORWARD!!!!

The group slowly walks forward, ignoring the fact that the liver of a guard on the ceiling above is dripping blood onto them. Jericho looks up.

Jericho: ...the fuck are we dealing with?

Ivan: Vemember the ninja?

The mercenaries shudder

Will: Y’all loved to see my impeccable abs and my guns. Get it right. Next time i’ll shake my boot-ay!

Bob stops and vomits noisily onto the ground

Will: .....You pussy.

They advance and turn around the blind left corner. This short span of coridoors has at least three dead bodies on it, and one the floor, barely breathing, a huge gash eviscerating through his body, revealing the ribcage and the edge of his somehow still-beating heart.

Ivan: How is he still alive...

Jericho: Looks like Mantis got ‘im

Soldier: .....nja...

Lynch: What you say?

Soldier: .....nnja...

Dean: Huh?

Soldier: Fucktards.

The soldiers head collapses to the side as he dies.

Jericho: Did he call us ginger?

Will: I think he said “whinger”

Lynch: Well, whate—

The door, riddled with bullets and smeared with blood, slides open and a rough outline of the Ninja zooms out, screaming at the top of its lungs


He swoops past the mercenaries without so much as slicing a hair on their head, and zooms out of earshot.

Frank: ....Right

The mercenaries walk into the door, guns simply left swinging across their bodies having deduced there couldn’t possibly be a living threat in the area.

Otacons office is nothing more than a cluttered office. Several metal desks line the centre of the room near what seems to be a cubicle-style parting with shattered windows. The battle between Snake and the Ninja has left chairs overturned, PCs smashed, a small room with windows to the upper left housing several towering green-glassed supercomputers left with windows shattered. Posters advertising various Japanese anime surround the northerly computer units, complete with scrolling code. Our hero himself, Solid Snake, is standing, staring at a pair of lockers. One locker door is open, and other closed with a large, yellow puddle of piss soaked into the blue carpet.

Will: That’s classy..fucking dirty bastard.

Moe: Looks like someone couldn’t keep it in..

Snake: ...That Ninja....Grey Fox...

Lynch : Who’s Grey Fox?

Steve: Some mercenary for the old Outer Heaven..blown apart with a mine when he was an experimental supersoldier who was drugged to the gonads with steroids and the like..guess he’s a Ninja Robot now..

Lynch: .....Yeeahh...

The mercenaries watch as Snake approaches the locker

Snake: .....How long are you going to stay in there?

Scientist : Huh? ...are you one of them?

Snake: ...Fucking puss-No, I'm not. I always work alone.

Scientist : Alone?....Are you an Otaku too?

Lynch: I heard it! Get out your Gaian beating sticks boys, WE HAVE AN OTAKU!!!!

The scientist cries out, another puddle of piss appearing near the locker. Snake scowls and turns around.

Snake: Dammit! If he pisses on me you’re all in for it!


Snake sighs

Snake: C'mon, get out. We can't stay here forever. They say they’ll behave.

The scientist gives a nervous sigh and finally opens the locker and looks at Snake. Despite being middle-eaged, he gives off a somewhat-boyish aura, perhaps emanating from his curled, mid-length brown hair, maybe his squared glasses, or maybe his flowing white labcoat, complete with slack jeans and white trainers, coupled with a loose blue shirt.

Scientist : Your uniform is different from theirs.

Will: Still no class of dress from anyones..

The scientist looks at Will, taking in the purple uniform and white leather combat vest

Scientist: ....And so are you..I like that uniform

Will lets ojut a beaming smile

Will: Thanks! I’m the stud of the group!

The scientist turns his attentions to the rest of the group, relaxing more as he sighs that they don’t have the balaclavas of the normal guards on, and that they’re uniforms would not have allowed them nominal access to this part of the building without some form of sneaking. He also notes the penguin and opens his mouth to speak.

Lynch: Don’t ask questions.

He looks down at Moe the Midget, mouth still agape. Moe folds his arms

Moe: Don’t even think about it.

Scientist: ...................................A-Are you all good guys?

Phil: We’re getting paid by Liquid...But, y’know. Whatever.

Snake: They’re mercenaries. Paid thugs. They won’t hurt you.

Lynch: How do you know?

Snake: You won’t betray Liquid until you get your money....right?

Lynch turns the group and they all talk intelligibly amongst themselves, before they turn to Snake and nod in unison

Snake: Thought so.....fucking retards...

He turns to the scientist

Snake: You're the Metal Gear Chief Engineer, Hal Emmerich, right?

Emmerich: You know me?

Snake: I heard about you from Meryl.

Will: Sexy-ass?

Snake: ...Yes, sexy-ass

Will: Sweeeeet..

Emmerich: Oh. So you're here to rescue me?

Mercenaries: No.

Emmerich: ....You?

Snake: Sorry, but no. There's something that I've got to do first.

Emmerich : Oh, well... at least you're not one of them...

Emmerich stands up and begins to walk across the room, but his right leg is limping with every step as he walks to a computer console.

Snake: You hurt?

Emmerich: I'm okay. I just twisted my ankle a little bit trying to get away.

Frank: Sounds familiar..

Dave slaps Frank around his head

Phil: Asshole.

Frank: Cocksucker.

Snake: Well, if that's all, it's nothing to worry about. I want to ask you something. I need information about Metal Gear.

Emmerich: Huh? M-Metal Gear?

Snake: Yeah. What's Metal Gear really designed for?

Emmerich : It's a mobile Theater Missile Defence. It's designed to shoot down nuclear missiles, only for defensive purposes of course.

Snake quickly shoots forward and grabs Emmerich by the collar and holds him up, shaking him violently, the back of Emmerichs legs hitting the computer consoles#

Lynch: WOAH--

Snake: Liar! I already know that Metal Gear is nothing more than a nuclear-equipped, walking death mobile.

Emmerich: N-N-Nuclear? What are you talking about?

Snake: The terrorists are planning to use Metal Gear to launch a nuclear missile!!!!! You telling me you didn't know?

Emmerich : They're....going to put a.....n-nuclear missile into Metal Gear's TMD missile module?

Snake: Wrong!! From the beginning, the purpose of this exercise was to test Metal Gear's nuclear launch capability using a dummy nuclear warhead! The terrorists are just continuing the work you started!!!

Snake throws Dr. Emmerich down onto the floor angrily, kicking a nearby computer console. The mercenaries are watching, entertained by Snakes manhandling of the geeky Otaku

Emmerich: No, you're wrong....

Phil: I wouldn’t take that!

Maurice: Propah kick his ass!


Snake breathes heavily, blocking out their voices

Snake: I heard it directly from your boss, Baker.

Emmerich: No... a nuclear missile on Rex?

Snake: ...So you really didn't know?

Sal: Awww--

Emmerich: No. All the armament was built by a seperate department and the president personally supervised the final assembly of the main unit.

Snake: President Baker?

Emmerich: Yeah. I was never told exactly what they armed Rex with. I...I only know it's equipped with a vulcan cannon, high-powered laser cutter, and rail gun.

Snake looks up

Snake: A rail gun you said?

Emmerich: Yeah. It—

Phil: Uses magnets to fire bullets at extremely high velocities.Imagine firing a stone out of a high-speed mega catapult and you’ll get the picture of its power. The technology was originally developed for the Strategic Defence Initiative and later scrapped—

Emmerich: ....And we were successful in miniaturizing it in a joint venture between ArmsTech and Rivermore National Labs.....The rail gun is on Rex's right arm........How do you know?

They all turn to Phil

Lynch : Yes. PHIL. How do you KNOW?!

Phil: ......I read about it on Wikipedia.

Otacon: Wikipedia?

Lynch swipes across his throat

Phil: told about it at briefing..

Mr. Dibbley: YES! We did!

Lynch: Yes! Yes!

Emmerich nods, and Lynch turns to Phil

Lynch: You break the laws of time and space again and i’ll snap your fucking neck!

Frank: Phil created a time paradox!

Phil: Uh-oh, spaghetti-os!

The mercenaries all laugh, but Snake hisses at them. They quickly quieten down.

Snake: Metal Gear's main function is to launch nuclear missiles.You're sure you're not forgetting something?

Emmerich: It's true that Metal Gear has a missile module on his back that can carry up to eight missiles. But are you saying it was originally meant to carry nuclear missiles?

Snake: S’what I got told... but that's not all I think. If Metal Gear fired only standard nuclear missiles, then they should already have all the practical data they need.

Emmerich : No... could it be? I mean...Metal Gear's co-developer, Rivermore National Labs, was working on a new type of nuclear weapon. They were using Nova and Nif laser nuclear fusion testing equipment and supercomputers.

Snake: So they developed a new type of nuclear weapon in a VR testing lab, huh?

Emmerich: Yes, but, you can't use virtual data on a battlefield. They would need actual launch data.

Steve: As you do...

Frank: Explain to the humans, Steve..

Steve: Rivermore tested a new nuclear weapon using two lasers and supercomputers. You can’t use this in real life, of course..

Vince: Touche.

Emmerich: These are some of the supercomputers. If you link these you can test everything in a virtual environment. But it's all just theoretical..
Brick: Think of the porn you could view on those whammers..

Snake: So this exercise was designed to test the real thing?

Emmerich: What did our president do?

The mercenaries shrug

Vince: Fuck you over?

Bill: More like fuck the whole world over..

Emmerich: If the terrorists launch that thing...DAMN!! ...DAMN!!

Emmerich falls to the floor before all of them, pounding the blue carpet with the side of his fist. The mercenaries are just barely able to stop laughing

Emmerich: I'm such a fool! It's all my fault...I mean....The truth is... my grandfather was part of the Manhattan Project. He suffered with the guilt for the rest of his life. And my father... he was born on August 6, 1945...

Steve: The day of the Hiroshima bombings.

Ivan: ZING!

Snake: ... God's got a sense of humour all right.

Frank: Yeah! He created this science otaku nut, and us mercenary nuts!

Lynch: Yeah, Real fucking sense of humour.

Emmerich : Three generations of Emmerich men... We must have the curse of nuclear weapons written into our DNA.

Dave: That must be some mutated DNA..

Emmerich: STOP MOCKING ME!!!

Bob: No, it’s fun for all the family!

Jericho: Him and his mutant DNA!


The mercenaries laugh amongst themselves

Emmerich: I used to think I could use science to help mankind. But the one that wound up getting used was me. Using science to help mankind..that's just in the movies...

Snake: That's enough crying!!! Pull yourself together!! Where is Metal Gear?! Where on this base are they keeping it?!!!

Emmerich: Hey! R-Rex is in the underground maintainence base.

Snake: Where is that?

Emmerich: ....North of the Communications Tower. But it's a long way there.

Snake: The emergency override system for the detonation code is there too?

Emmerich : Yeah, in the maintenance base's Control Room. You better hurry. If they were planning a launch from the start, then their ballistic program is probably finished. And since they haven't called for me in a few hours, they must not need me....All I know is they’ve got a few mechanics working on the final preparations...In other words, they must be ready to launch.

Sal: ...They wouldn’t happen to be Hispanic, would they?

Emmerich: Yeah...all three of them..

Frank: Sweeeeet!

Brick: Least they alive!

Snake: Meryl's got the detonation override keys....We'll link up with her.

Emmerich: If we can't override the launch we'll have to destroy Rex.

Lynch: We can?

Emmerich: Not using conventional weapons, you won’t!

Snak: Look..don’t you lot be silly....

Vince: How are we being silly?

Emmerich: Look...I'll show you the way.

Emmerich attempts to limp towards the door, but Snake puts his arm out and stops him

Snake: On that leg of yours? You'll just slow me down.

Emmerich: You'll need me if you're gonna destroy Rex!

Snake: I don't need you. I just need your brain.

Emmerich: I created Rex. It's my right... my duty to destroy him....

Jericho: Karmic revenge.

Snake: If you get a chance, try to escape...When the coast is clear I'll try to contact you by Codec.

Emmerich: How am I supposed to escape from an island?

Snake: Son of a fuck-I want you to hide somewhere and keep me informed. You know this place well, don't you?

Emmerich: Of course I do, And don't worry...I've got this.

Emmerich reaches up to the shoulder of his labcoat and presses a few unseen buttons, giving small beaps. His entire body is cloaked suddenly, rendering him practically invisible except for a few waves and a rough outline of where he stands

Ivan: Sveet tech..

Emmerich: Thanks..Uh, It's the same stealth technology as the ninja. FOX-HOUND was going to use them, but... With this I'll be fine, bad leg and all.

Snake: .................Yeah, But I want Meryl to watch after you too.

Snake kneels down and calls Meryl on the Codec. Emmerich turns to the mercenaries.

Emmerich: So..all of you are being paid?

Frank: We peace!

Sal: Yeah...we’re being paid..what of it?

Emmerich: Nothing! You are on our side..right?

Steve: Yeah! We were hired to protect Snake.

Emmerich: Ahhhh...hang on, what do you mean, hired? You’re getting paid by TWO companies?

Brick: Nothin’ like maximising money, is there?....shame it’s not really happening....

Emmerich: What?

Brick: Nothing!

Snake quickly gets to his feet

Snake: Something's wrong.

Emmerich stops and looks at Snake

Emmerich: Did you hear something? Wasn't that some kind of music?

The mercenaries look at eachother and mouth “What the fuck?”

Mr. Moneypennies (From Bricks Pocket): Cracka be smoking weed!

Snake: What did she look like?

Emmerich: She... she was wearing the same green uniform as the terrorists and those mercenaries, no offence

Lynch: None taken.

Snake: So...A disguise?

Emmerich: She had such a cute way of walking. She kind of wiggles her behind.

Will: I noticed too, man!

Bill: And me...

Moe: ...Her wiggle has captured our hearts--

Snake: You were really looking?!

Emmerich: Well... she's got a very cute behind...

Jericho: ...Agreed!

Vince: Same here!

Snake hisses again, and turns to Emmerich

Snake: Way of walking, huh?

Emmerich: If she's disguised as the enemy, you'll have to contact her when she's alone, huh? There's only one place where we can be sure she's by herself.....

Snake: Where's that?

Emmerich: Don't be so dense...

Brick raises an eyebrow, and Dean grins

Dean: Ladies Bathroom..Score one for the perverts!

Emmerich pulls something out of the inside pocket of his lab coat and hands it to Snake.

Emmerich: Here, use this security card. It's security level 4.

Emmerich turns to the mercenaries

Emmerich: Sorry guys...I’ve got no cards for you lot.

Bob: S’ok. We have Dave, Ivan and big ol’ Wor Maur here

Maurice flexes his arms

Snake: Yeah, sure....You're not in pain, are you?

Emmerich: Huh?

Snake: You feel okay? Nothing bothering you? Your leg hurt?? Well, no shit. ok?

Emmerich: What's wrong? Getting all friendly all of a sudden?

Bill: Oooooooooooooooo!!

Lynch slaps him

Snake: Hey! I'm just glad you're okay.

Emmerich: You're strange...

Snake: Fuck you otaku! It’s just that everyone else I've saved suddenly dies!

Emmerich: You're bad luck.

Snake: Whatever...fuck you, Doctor.

Emmerich: Hey...Just call me, Otacon.

Snake: .....Otacon?

Otacon: It stands for Otaku Convention. An Otaku is a guy like me who likes Japanimation.

Jericho steps forward, but Lynch stops him

Jericho: Damn Otaku building weapons..Like trusting retards with knives..

Otacon: Yeah, well, did you know Japan was the first country to successfully make bipedal robots? They're still the best today in the field of robotics.

Snake is getting visibly tired

Snake : And Japanese cartoons played some part in that?

Otacon: They did! I didn't get into science to make nuclear weapons, you know.

Snake: That's what all scientists say.....

Otacon: I became a scientist because I wanted to make robots like the one in the Japanese Animes.....Really, it's true!

Frank: Damn single-minded Otaku..

Snake: Just sounds like a childish excuse to me.

Otacon: .....You're right. We have to take responsibility. Science has always thrived on war. The greatest weapons of mass destruction were created by scientists who wanted to be famous. But that's all over now. I won't take part in murder anymore.

Snake: Whatever dude. All I want from you is information.

Otacon: Sure. I know everything about this whole base. About this base or Rex. Also, with this stealth camouflage, I can sneak in and out of the armory and mess hall. If you need ammo or rations, just tell me and I'll bring them to you.

Otacon reaches up to his shoulder and turns on his stealth camouflage.

Otacon: I'm on frequency 141.12. See ya later. You guys have Codec?

The mercenaries shake their heads

Otacon: Well....Good luck!

Otacon slowly jogs to the door and exits the lab, leaving Snake and the mercenaries behind. Snake turns to look at them.

Snake: ...Why are you guys even here?

Frank: Fuckin’ fun.

Snake: Well...if you guys didn’t get chop-sueyed by the Ninja..Guess you’re all decent..

Sal is busy scratching his ear with the barrel of his assault rifle. Moe is busy juggling his Desert Eagle, and Phil, Jericho, Ivan, Vince, Bob and Bill are in a small group, seeing who can juggle a hot bullet the quickest

Lynch: …….Yeah. Just go, ok?

Snake: Where next for you lot?

Lynch: Well…we still need to re-group with our buds..

Snake: ….Yeah. Good luck.

Snake rushes past and exits the door.

Frank: So, Boss Hog, what now?

Lynch: We ride with the wind, Frank..Ride with the wind.

Frank: …Halloween soon. Remember last year, guys?

Mercenaries: Yeah…

Maurice: When we shoved that stun grenade up Dicks ass?

Mercenaries: Yeah!

Sal: And we thought the beasts were dead!

Mercenaries: Yeah!

Dean: You don’t think they’ll try and come for Halloween do you?

Frank: Well, guys! Remember what Shelley said about it being ripped upon enough for them to come! Heh, right guys?!

Frank grins. The mercenaries guns and postures slump down.

Mercenaries: ……Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.


With Halloween coming up, Celebrations commence for all but our poor Mercenaries! Can Snake find out what happened to Meryl? Will the Beauties show up and send our poor Mercenaries to Hells Gate? Will the Motor City Machine Guns be driving a tank? And who is the next of the Mercenaries to meet? Tune in next time to discover The Man In The Banana Suit, Apple Bobbing with a twist, Metal Gear REXes makeover, and an unholy showdown!