Frank: I bet Dicks pulling out the home brew now..
Lynch: Stop thinking with your beer belly, you stupid bastard..This is a fight we have to finish
Bill: Yeah, No Red Rings of Death to save us from that!
Bob: Shut up, Bill.
Will pulls out some breathspray and sprays some into his mouth, spinning around and clutching the white leather straps of his combat vest
Will: All set, bitches!
Lynch: Everyone else who isn’t a faggot set?
Phil shoots out a light above them, darkening half the room
Lynch: ….Nolastname…the hell—
Phil: It’s Halloween! Oughta make it spookier
Lynch: How about I tear your face off?
Phil: Point taken
He shoulders his rifle
Phil: You funless bastard.
Lynch: Damn straight! GODDAMMIT CHEVROLET! WHERE’D YOU GET THOSE VOL AU VENTS FROM!!!
Deans mouth is full of pastry crumbs and prawn cocktail remnants. He simply grins.
Dean: Saved some for the party! …Although I don’t think they taste prawns…
Lynch: …..Let’s just get this over.
Mr. Dibbley: Tally Ho, then?
Lynch turns his head to Dibbley
Lynch: Goddamn talking penguins……..
The mercenaries exit Otacons office in double-file behind Lynch and Frank and into the coridoor still littered with bodies, body parts, intestines and crimson blood. The only difference is that the coridoor is smelling a sickly sweet odor of iron, and the pools of blood have spread to almost the whole floor. Will himself is stopped in Otacons office, blocking the way out for Billy
Will: You can fuck off if you think I’m ruining Gucci on peasant blood.
Billy: Move before I tear off yah arm and use it fer a toothpick!
Will: You can. I’m not ruining Gucci.
Will stops and turns to Billy
Billy: I’d rather eat me own shit!
Brick grabs on of the more intact corpses, whose eye has fallen out leaving a gaping socket in his skull, and is missing several fingers, and throws it to Wills feet
Will: Sorry Brick! This isn’t the family barbecue!
Brick: Step on it, fancypants, and just scoot along!
Billy: Fuck this.
Billy grabs Will and slings him over his shoulder. Will stares upside-down at Billys ass and screams.
Will: I see some Scottish butt! It’s not like in my pornos!
Dave: You bastards coming?
Billy lifts his left leg and farts full-on in Wills face. Will screams so loud he slumps against Billy unconscious.
The mercenaries continue the trek up the coridoor, slightly wading through the sheer amount of crimson blood pooling on the concrete floor beneath them
Ivan: Very vun times..
They watch as the blue portal opens on the right side of the wall, and Luther Reigns appears wearing an orange party hat and a vampires cape.
Reigns: I came to see if y’all needed enforcement.
Reigns: Gotcha dog!
Reigns gives a small mock salute to Lynch and turns to the portal
Reigns: Hey! Dick! Gimme some peas! I’ve had peas befo’!
He jumps into the portal and it closes with a pop. Lynch shakes his head and keeps walking
Frank: So….I guess they can access it at will, and it means at least we get help?
Brick: We hope..
Dean: Maybe some ghosts will attack us and they’ll help us?
Mr. Dibbley: Superstitious cobbler old chap!
They walk through the gas venting room and into the main coridoor of B2, across the grated floor which used to be electrified
Bob: Demons…Yeah, the boogeymans real!
Billy: Almost as real as the Banana Man!
Ivan: In Vussia, Man bananas you!
The mercenaries laugh amongst themselves and turn the corner
Lynch: Yeah! I mean! Come on, how could these things be re—
They quieten as they hear a huge, metallic stomping sound coming from inside the elevator
Bob: ..The hell?
The mercenaries watch as the door flies open…
What stands before them is a form which is over 8 foot tall, covered in head to foot in brightly coloured yellow armor, with a green helmet with a slitted grid-like mouth and glass eye coverings. On his back is a giant yellow fuel tank, and in his head is the nozzle of a flamethrower, with a yellow body, green head-nozzle, and green fuel tube
Brick: I-It’s THE MAN IN THE BANANA SUIT!!!!
Frank: He’s a fucking myth—
He aims his flamethrower at the mercenaries and sends a gigantic stream of fire towards them, they all scream and quickly run around the corner
Lynch: WHAT THE FUCK?!
Bill: THIS! IS! PARODY WRITING!
They all run into Otacons lab and pull the door shut, breathing heavily. Maurice runs over to one of the Supercomputers and topples it over. Phil, Dean, Karab, Brick and Lynch rush over, pulling and pushing it on its side in front of the door.
Phil: Oh man! Oh man! thefuckthefucktheFUCK?!?!?!
Frank: ..Did they found us out or something?
Brick: It’s Halloween!!! Every Halloween The Man In The Banana Suit comes to kill the unrighteous—
Lynch turns to Brick and clenches his fist
Lynch: If you so much as are fucking hinting that we’re unrighteous!!!!!—
Bob: Guys! Guys! We need to band together and defeat this thing!
Mr. Dibbley: Perogative objective to eliminate this dastard!
Man In The Banana Suit
Will: He your cousin, Brick?
Brick: Bloody bastard was feared in the backwaters of Texas, dammit! TEXAS!!!
Lynch: MEN! READY ARMS!
Billy: AND LEGS! KICK IT IN THE TEETH!
Billy throws down Will onto the floor and he wakes up. Billy joins the makeshift line of defence.
Mr. Dibbley, Moe, Vince, Maurice, Billy, Dave, Frank, Bob, Steve, Karab and Dean line a few feet from the door, aiming their weapons at it
Mr. Dibbley: Jolly good day to die, chaps..
Bill: Fuck that, I’m living!
Bill dives under one of the metal desks
Will: Uhhhhhhhh……….yeah, me too.
Will runs towards the lockers and grabs the one next to Otacons, opening it and getting in
Will: if you all die, I’ll repay you in heaven with my looks!
Will slams the door shut
Mr. Moneypennies: Brick? Nigga? Can I join too—
Lynch: NO!! Goddamn pussy! MEN ! NOW!
Dean bares his teeth and growls. Frank looks at him.
Frank: Looking constipated, Dean
Dean: Looking drunk, Frank.
Lynch lowers his FAMAS and looks at Frank
Frank: ……I found some rocket fuel earlier
Ivan: Fool! You fart and ve all die!
Billy: From the poison or the flames?
A huge, metal fist pounds through the door. Karab shakes his head and screams, dropping his FAMAS Assault Rifle and jumping into Otacons locker, slamming the door.
Lynch: GODDAMMIT!!!! MEN! AT ARMS GODDAMMIT!
The Man In The Banana Suit: I IS EATING TONIGHT!!!
Phil: SHEAMUS!!!!!!!!!!! HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Silence. Nothing happens.
Lynch: WEAPONS! NOW!
Maurice: Nah, mate. Whatcha gonna do?
Lynch: Goddammit you fucking idiots—
All fo a sudden, a bright flash of blue light fills the room, the mercenaries are left staggering around. Will and Dave are on the floor, clawing at their eyes. Phil and Lynch collide, Ivan and Jericho are wrestling eachother in thoughts the other is an enemy, and Frank, Sal, Dean and Karab are firing blindly around the room. A few moments later, they look around.
Dave: ..The hell now?
Maurice: Woah man..I propah smell cookies, like..
Phil and Lynch slowly look at eachother.
They both turn to slowly look at the new figure in the room: Standing at 5’ 6” is the inhuman, yet curvaceous form of Tavi Inuko. With steely gray short fur covering her entire body, complete with spiked, chopped hair, and a brown stripe running from her hair to her nose. Her tail is swaying out some length behind her, the same color as her body with a steel-black tip. She is wearing a short white shirt, revealing white fur down her stomach, as well as jeans and army boots
Dave: HOLY CRAP! IS THIS OUR REINFORCEMENT?! WE’RE FUCKED!
Tavi looks around, a metal tray of chocolate chip cookies in her arms. She spots Phil and grins.
Tavi: Phil! You summoned me!
Phil: I deny all implications. Instead I point you to THIS FUCKING PSYCHOTIC BANANA MAN!!!
Tavi looks up at the fist in yellow armor clawing at thin air through the door
Tavi: …Guys, I know it’s Halloween..Not April Fools! That’s clearly one of you in a costume!
Jericho: DOES IT LOOK LIKE WE’RE DRESSED AS VAMPIRES GODDAMMIT??!? HE’S GOT A FLAMETHROWER!!!!
Tavui: Yes. Believable. Very. Belie—
She bursts out laughing
Tavi: Ahh,….sorry, you all crack me up, cuties! Really do!
The green nozzle of the flamethrower is shoved through the hole in the door.
Banana Man: BURN!!!!
A huge burst of flame fills the entranceway to the door. Dean, Bob, Steve, Frank, Maurice, Moe, Dave and Lynch all jump back.
Lynch: Dave. Hair.
Dave looks up at his hair which is now on fire.
Dave rushes over to the nearest wall, starting to slam his head off it to put the fire out.
Tavi: Ohhhh..you guys were serious?! Sowwee! By the way, Phil…Cookie?
Apparently oblivious to the fact that Phil, Moe the Midget, Steve, Jericho, Sal and Dean are busy holding a filing cabinet against the hole in the door as the Banana Man makes repeated holes in the door by punching it full force, she holds out her tray of cookies
Phil: NOOOO!!!! HELP GODDAMMIT!!!!
Steve: Maybe move?
Ivan: I’ve got ze best idea! Ve blow the door down!
Jericho: BAD PLAN! VERY BAD PLAN!
Unaware of this, Ivan pulls open the 2nd draw of the filing cabinet and throws some C4 in.
Ivan: I vecommend you vacate zis door in….5 seconds
Dean: Good plan.
They all dive to the left as the C4 detonates in an orange, yellow and black cloud of inferno. Smoke drifts into the room, but the towering form of the Banana Man slowly stomps through the door
Banana Man: I’M-A CRUSH YOU DOGGIES!!!
Bill quickly crawls out from under the table, raising his hands
Bill: Southern brotha! The South shall rise again!
Banana Man: YEH’LL GET IT FIRST!!
Billy raises his PSG1 Sniper Rifle to his shoulder and fires a potshot at the Banana Man. The bullet pings and the Banana Man simply shrugs it off
Billy: ….Oh damn.
Banana Man: …..SEE Y’ALL LATER!
Maurice: Nah ya won’t!!
Maurice, Brick, Ivan, Jericho, Mr. Dibbley Lynch and Vince have grabbed Will/Otacons locker and are holding it like a battering ram
Will: OH MY GOD! YOU LOT BETTER NOT!
Lynch: NOW SAL!
Banana Man: What y’all saying?!!?!?!
Sal taps the Banana Man on the shoulder. He slowly turns around.
Banana Man: What’chu wanting?
Sal headbutts the Banana Man as hard as he can. Sals eyes cross and he collapses backwards. The Banana Man stumbles
Banana Man: MAH EARS RINGING!!!
Moe the Midget slowly walks up to the Banana Man and headbutts his crotch plate. He doubles over, crying out in pain
Moe: Goolie Headbutt! Spot on!
The mercenaries scream and charge forward. Will himself is now busy pounding on the locker door
Will: WHY DID I LOCK IT?!?!?!
Mr. Dibbley: TALLY HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
They connect square with the Banana Mans chest and he reels backwards, hitting the wall. They keep pushing, but the fuel tank on his back stops the damage, and he quickly starts to pound away at the Lockers back panel in hope to move it away
Will: HELP! HEEEEEEEELP!!!
Dave reaches into his pocket and pulls a throwing star out shaped like a Swastika
Dave: HEY! BANANA MAN!
He stops and looks up at Dave
Dave: Nice to meet JEW!
He throws the star at the Banana Man and it hits his fuel tank. A hissing sounds fills the room.
Banana Man: Ah chutspa.
The others quickly back away, still carrying the locker, as the gas from the leak meets the flicker of flames from the end of Banana Mans flamethrower. His entire body is quickly consumed in flames and the metal shrinks
Banana Man: I SHALL LIVE AGAIN!!!!
The suit itself expands again violently when Jericho splashes some cold water onto the mans armor, and the inside of the suit sets fire. He lets out one final scream as he tears off his helmet, his head obscured by flames as the skin slowly blackens and chars, before he falls to the ground, erupting into a full blown fire. Dave looks down at the body, pulling out a pair of sunglasses
Dave: You can only fight fire…
He puts on the sunglasses
Dave: With fire.
The Who – Won’t Get Fooled Again: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sound of record cutting.
Lynch: Well done, Jackscar..Commendations for you!
Dave: Thanks, sir!
Jericho: Pff..show off..I splashed the cold water on him!
Ivan: I blew ze door down zo ve could get at him!
Will: I was in the fucking locker! Can you guys get me out?
Lynch throws the locker door and the back panel pops off. Will emerges some time later and looks at Tavi
Will: ….Ayyyyyy…We’re in hell.
Tavi instead turns to Phil, who is busy extinguishing the fire from the corpse
Tavi: So..why did you summon me?
Phil: I deny all allegations.
Tavi: Cause you miss me?
Phil: With every grenade so far.
Tavi: You missed me!
Phil: But you haven’t done anything!
Tavi: Us women know what makes you men tick..
Lynch: Yeah! Just ask Frank!
Frank: Fuck you!
Dean: That’s either extremely disturbing, extremely homosexual, or both.
Tavi: Come ON! I helped!
The mercenaries look down at the charred bones and melted, dripping metal that used to the Man In The Banana Suit
Lynch: ….No, I don’t think so
Tavi: Ok then..I’m going back
Phil: Tavi..before you do..
She turns around, glassing over her eyes purposely
Phil: You have thrown the milk away, right? We’ve been stuck here for God knows how long and I’d just kick myself if it curdled!
Tavi opens her mouth, but she simply grins
Tavi: Trick or Treat?
Phil: Whats that got that to do with—
Tavi pulls an egg out from her cleavage and throws it at Phils face. He gasps, the rotten insides pouring all over his face
Phil: OH MY GOD!!! IT SMELLS LIKE BURNT TURDS!!!
Tavi sticks her tongue at him, turns around and wiggles her ass
Tavi: One day Phil..One day..
Phil: IT’S IN MY EYES!!!!
Steve, Jericho, Ivan: Byeeeee!!
Tavi: Happy Halloween!
The blue portal appears and she jumps in. It disappears in a pink crackle of sparkles.
Billy: C’mon…hold still, Phil
Billy pulls out a flash of water and pours it on Phils face
Phil: I just got boob-egged! I’m blind Billy!
Will: Phil, be thankful. It’s the closest any of us have got to tits in a long time!
Mr. Dibbley: Well, it looks like we’re alive old chaps
Lynch: Can we just move?!
Lynch storms out of the door of Otacons office. Frank, Dave, Moe, Steve, Billy, Jericho, Brick, Bill and Will follow, Will riding on Bills back
Bill: Oh Will, you’re such a homo.
Will: FUCK YOU! I LIKE VAGINA!
Moe: More like Mangina!
Mr. Dibbley, Maurice, Bob and Ivan help up Phil and exit the room. Vince is knelt beside Sal and uncaps some smelling salts, holding them under Sals nose
Sal: No mommy…I don’t want to go in the pink tutu…
Vince: Close enough.
Vince grabs Sals shoulders and hoists him up, slapping his shoulder
Vince: C’mon trooper.
Sal shakes his head groggily and follows him out the room. They exit into the body-filled coridoor
Vince: Wait guys!
They quickly rush up the coridoor and through the gas ventilation room, meeting the back of the mercenaries line
Brick: What kept y’all so long?
Mr. Moneypennies: Hurry crackas!
The mercenaries turn the corner and stare at the elevator as its doors slowly open to reveal six guards
Lynch: Oh for fucks—WHAT NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW????????!!!!!!!!
Guard One: I SEE ZEM! ZERS ZE INTRUDERS!!
Bob: Huh? What?
Guard One: Zon’t play dumb vith us! Ve vere contacted by one ov our zown in ze Warhead Storage and he said zoo lot are ze intruders, and that ze fat one crushed Paulie !
The mercenaries turn to Obese Maurice
Maurice: Mah fault, lads
Moe: Ready to fight!
Guard Two: Ok..Are we gonna do this the easy way? Or the hard way?
Guard One: Ok…you lot and ze big half-naked black man lower zoor weapons..
The mercenaries slowly turn their heads to eachother
Mercenaries: Big..black man?
The mercenaries slowly look behind them to see the gigantic form of Ahmed Johnson, towering in at well over 6 feet, standing behind them, arms folded., wearing his iconic gigantic padded red elbow pads, black and red wristbands and red upper-bicep bands, also wearing his wrestling attire of thick padded red kneepads, black boots with red kickpads, and red trunks with a studded belt.
Steve: …..This is new.
Johnson: . . . Why am I here?
Johnson: Say what?
Frank: SAVE US!
Johnson raises his head and looks at the guards
Johnsion: AHMED CRUSH!
Johnson runs forward, his speed easily double most of the mercenaries, and steams into the guards, diving up and landing on top of them all. The guards collapse into a sprawl.
Johnson: GIT OUTTA HERE!!!
The mercenaries quickly run forward, past the huge sprawl and pack into the elevator. Johnson stands up, grabbing one of the guards legs, lifting him up and slamming him down so violently he explodes in a shower of blood
Frank: HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!
Johnson: MOVE FUCKERS!!!!
From almost out of nowhere, a glass side-door to an office slides open beside Ahmed and two figures run out from the office. One is the short, brown-haired, yet psychotic form of Robbie Stringller, wearing a solid grey military dress uniform, complete with shoulder boards, golden eagle pinbadge on the left breast pocket, and a dress belt with a silver belt buckle. He walks backwards towards the elevator, firing a German Luger wildly into the group of guards
Robbie: THE POWER OF GERMAN WEAPONRY TELLS TOU TO BACK THE FUCK UP YOU CUNTS!!!
Lynch: Robbie? What the hell?!
Robbie: HEIL MOTHERFUCKERS!!! JUST SHOOTING SOME GUARDS!!!
Out of the same slowly goosesteps another random person.
Howard Fink: Standing in at roughly five feet two inches, weighing in at two hundred and SIXTEEN pounds, wearing his khaki uniform, black balaclava in his pocket, brown hair, and the scruffy unshaven stubble look, I have had enough of describing this guy….HE IS! THAT RANDOM! GUYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!
Frank looks up
Frank: GODDAMMIT FINK!
Steve: And on All Hallows Eve..time itself has transcended into itself.
Silence. Even Robbie stops shooting and looks back at Steve.
Vince: Say what?
Steve: I said click the fucking button!
Ahmed Johnson stands up, grabbing the only alive guy and hooking both arms behind his back
Johnson: PEARL RIVER!!!
The mercenaries watch as Ahmed lifts the guard up, and slams him down into a sit-down powerbomb with such force that the guard turns inside out and explodes in a shower of blood and red sparkles.
Fink: AND HERE IS YOUR WINNER….NOT THOSE GUYS!!!
Frank: No shit, Fink!
Fink: AT THIS TIME, I WOULD LIKE TO REMIND FRANK DANIELS, THAT HE HAS A TINY PENIS, NEVER WASHES HIS HAIR, AND LIKES MANTIS TO DRESS UP AS A UNICORN WHEN THEY HAVE SEX!!! THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!
Sound of a microphone cutting off.
Johnson: Say wha—Man, that’s some sick shit right there!
Frank: Behind you, Ahmed!
Johnson stands up, flexing his pecs and growling
Johnson: I ain’t going to fall for that shit..
Karab: No! Seriously! I see a giant pickle!
He turns around and standing nose-to-nose with him is a man wearing a thick suit of armour, this time painted a garish bottle-green with various raised bumps across the steel plating of the torso
Armoured Person: I. AM. PICKLE MAN!!!! AND THIS. IS. SHADOW MOSES!!!
Pickle Man: THEY. ARE. MINE!!!!!!
Johnson: Alright. Me. You. RIGHT HERE RIGHT NAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pickle Man: ALL! RIGHT THEN!!!!
Several guards appear behind the Pickle Man
Guard One: Come on boys..get in..
Lynch: Ok then..Robbie, *BEEP*. Stay here and kill those sons of bitches!
Robbie: With pleasure!
That Random Guy: Awww man..
They turn around, opening fire at the guards. Ahmed jumps and headbutts the Pickle Man, who stumbles backwards
Pickle Man: THAT! WAS! MY HEAD!!!
Johnson: How about another, brother?!
The elevators doors shut as Johnson starts to punch repeatedly at the Pickle Mans suit
Lynch: This is just getting worse..
A small ping is heard, followed by soft classical elevator music.
Will: Goddamn such tension..
Frank: Whatevers happening…We can be glad the others aren’t getting the same treatment..
One of the catwalks, next to REXs railgun, stand That Hispanic Guy, Stoofer, Johan and Bobby, holding paintbrushes dipped in blue paint…REX itself has not been touched, as a young black woman with short hair, an anchor tattoo on her bicep and wearing a red bandana is yelling at them. Inside the control room, Ocelot and Liquid watch from behind the bulletproof glass
Kamicheetah: NO!! YOU ARE NOT CREATING THIS BECAUSE PEOPLE MIGHT FEAR IT! YOU ARE NOT DOING THIS BECAUSE YOU WANT TO! LET SOMEONE WHO IS ACTUALLY GOOD AT IT GET KUDOS RATHER THAN SOMEONE ELSE DAMMIT!
Silence. Liquid Snake watches from the control room, with Ocelot by his side.
Snake: She seems to be popular..we found her just stumbling around the Heliport stating how it sucked because it was made by someone who probably wasn’t popular and got too much credit.
Ocelot: ….The fuck?
Johan raises his paintbrush to the metal arm, but Kamicheetah grabs it off him and throws it down into the nuclear waste-pool
Kamicheetah: LET MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’M GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DESERVE CREDIT FROM YOU LOT, NOT SOMEBODY YOU ACTUALLY LIKE!!!!!!!!!
Johan looks at That Hispanic Guy. That Hispanic Guy nods.
That Hispanic Guy: ………….Bawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Johan grabs Kamicheetah by her hair and throws her over the railing,. She screams, tumbles down several feet and lands with a sickening splash in the nuclear waste pool.
Snake: ….Jesus fucking Christ.
Stoffer turns to Liquid Snake and growls
Ocelot: Should I give them cake, sir?
Liquid; YES! Let them eat……………CAKE!
Ocwelot reaches into a draw below the main console and pulls out a cake decorated with black and orange icing to make it resemble a pumpkin
Liquid: I do so hope they like it! It took me forever to get the shape right!
=Elevator – Approaching Top Floor=
The doors open, and the old site of the cold, steel nuclear warheads greets them with their khaki tarpaulins within the cavernous concrete warehouse.
Frank: Uhh..why we here?
Lynch: To hold off several of the enemies until we can deduce there’s no longer a threat.
Lynch: Yeah….well, to wait until you lazy fucktards reach the Comm. Tower
Lynch: Steve! Dean! Karab! Bill! Billy! Brick! Dibbley! On me! HOO-RAH!
Silence. Lynch jogs out of the elevator humming “Scream Aim Fire” Dean, Karab, Bill, Billy and Steve walk out uncomfortably into the warehouse
Bill: May as well get stuck with the batshit insane one..
Mr. Dibbley slowly waddles out
Dibbley: Good luck, old beans.
Frank: Yeah, well, better you than us!
Mr. Dibbley turns around
Mr. Dibbley: YOU DASTARD LITTLE FA—
Frank clicks the button and the doors shut before Dibbley can finish, and the elevator doors shut.
Frank: So charming, aren’t they?
Vince: Real classy..
Moe: Anyone feel we’re the cannon fodder?
Frank: Stop complaining!
Phil: …Drunken asshole.
Frank: I’ll stop and turn this elevator around!
Vince: That’ll do!
The elevator doors open and Moe jumps up, headbutting Frank in the small of his back.
Frank: OW! HEY!
He stumbles out of the elevator and turns to his now-small unit of men.
Frank: Men! LIVELY!
Jericho: Frank! ASSHOLE!
Frank: LISTEN UP MAGGOTS!!! GRAAAA!!!
Frank bares his teeth and flexes his arms in an attempt to intimidate them
The mercenaries simply stand in the elevator, staring straightfaced at Frank, bored out of their skulls
Frank: Ok..Moe! You get in the vents and recon us, ok?
Moe looks around
Frank points behind two stacked wooden crates in front of them. Moes eyes slowly wander to the floor where there’s a large square hole in the sideboards
Moe: …Yeah yeah..
Moe rushes over and dives down, crawling into the vent
Frank: Vince, Will, Sal. You lot patrol the supply room with me.. Dave, Jericho, Bob and Ivan…Make yourselves look pretty, but don’t give the game away! Maurice and Phil, tackle any guard that leaves this room.
Jericho: Can I smoke?
Frank: I gues—
Jericho: SWEETNESS! I need a crap, later.
Jericho walks off to the males bathroom, turning left at the end of the coridoor
Dave: Need a piss, later.
Bob: …I’m just going, bye
Ivan: I need to vestock some bullets..
Frank: This is practical storage..
Ivan: Then I create saltpeter by pissing in cup!
Ivan follows Dave and Bob into the Male Bathroom.
Frank: Ok men..GO!
Will, Sal and Vince moan, slowly slumping across the paneled tiled floor and into the storage room. The room itself is incredibly small, flanked by glass-doored offices and store-rooms to each side, with a dip in the middle surrounded by four mini sets of steps, the recess in which there is a wooden table, a Bonsai plant, and chairs. Across the walls are lines of orange pumpkin and black-bat bunting. Sal and Vince immediately jump into the recess and to the chairs. Frank himself walks in, looking down at the royal blue carpeting
Frank: Hehe! Wow! Might just kick these off!
Frank sits down on the northern set of steps and takes one shoe off, the leaves of the Bonsai plants immediately drooping.
Vince: Frank, put them back on before you endanger every living thing in this goddamn base.
Frank sighs and slips his shoe back on. Will himself is checking his reflection out in ne of the southern glass doors…only to notice that in the same room, Snake is peeking through a small glass window, busy staring at the guards asses. Will opens the door.
Will: Dude..you perv!
Snake is still staring, drool streaming down from his lip.
Snake: I see bums!
Will: Man..you are one deeply disturbed motherfucker..
One of the guards turns around and sees Snake. The guard stops and stares through the window at Snake. An exclamation mark appearing above her forehead. Vince gives a small thumbs up to Will to say "Plan Will Work". The guard quickly runs out of the door, only for Phil to come out of nowhere and tackle the guards legs out from under them as Obese Maurice clotheslines the guard. Snake watches, open-mouthed, as the guard does a backflip and lands on their stomach, knocked out cold. Phil stands up and hi-5s Maurice.
Phil: Nice shot, Wor Maur! Look! I think we concussed him!
Maurice looks down, rubbing his forehead nervously
Maurice: Ah fuck Phil..think we made a mistake, y'know..
Maurice: Male nay supposed to have titties!
Snake keeps staring in disbelief, along with Will, Vince, Frank and Sal, as Phil lifts up the guards top, revealing a pink bra
Phil: OH FUCKING CHRIST! WE KNOCKED OUT MERYL, WOR MAUR!
Maurice: Wor! We Sweet and Soured her, mate! She gotta concussion!
Phil: FUCKIING SHITCOCKASS!
Dave, Bob, Jericho and Ivan come out of the male bathroom
Dave: It work?
Jericho: ...The guards got a sweet pair of tits.
Bob: Wrong guard, guys?
Phil puts his hands on his knees in disbelief
Dave: Wrong guard.
Meryls leg twitches violently. A random guard looks over Phils soldier.
Phil, Maurice, Dave, Jericho, Bob and Ivan turn around, only to see a beam of green light appear behind the guard. The guard looks around.
Theme Song From Nowhere: Read the words that are written in their face
Why believe them? (Why believe them?)
It's a shame for fame you lost your head
A careless man could wind up dead
You wear your sin like it's some kind of prize--
Sheamus appears behind the guard. Again. He looks around, confused, before looking at the guards back, staring over his shoulder at the mercenaries
The guard turns aroumd, only for Sheamus to wrap his right arm around his neck, lift him into the air, and slam him onto his outstretched knee spine-first, hitting The Irish Curse. The guard screams as his spine snaps with a sickening crack, and he rolls off Sheamus's knee, insta-killed.
Sheamus: ...Fuck yeah!
Sheamus disappears in a flash of green light. The mercenaries simply stare.
Ivan: Vell..ze time-space continuum has gotten even vorse..
Snake slowly walks out of the nearby door, looking down at Meryl
Snake: You fucking bastards! This is my contact you concussed!
Snake looks around, grabbing Meryls legs
Snake: I won't tell if you don't
Snake cackles and drags Meryl into the womens bathroom, slamming the door behind him
Jericho: Well, at least the man knows his opportunities!
Frank: Wonder how the other two are doing—
Phil: Goddammit Frank! Stop worrying! They’re doing perfectly, I betcha!
The battle is still raging ferociously in B2. Robbie is taking cover behind the right recess of the T-shaped coridoor, while That Random Guy is hiding in the left recess. Ahmed Johnson and the Pickle Man are still trading heavy blows. Robbie pokes his head out from cover and a guard opens fire
Robbie: Holy crap!
The Pickle Man quickly gets Ahmed in a headlock. One of the soldiers breaks from cover, only for Robbie to shoot him between the eyes with his Luger
Robbie: Six more to go! You got that thing ready yet, *Beep*
That Random Guy: Damn straight...behold!
That Random Guy holds up what appears to be nothing more than a tin can with screw-top
That Random Guy: The Gas Emitter...You ready for this? We can make a rocket!
That Random Guy: I throw, you shoot tin, it lands near enemies, KABOOM! Big red shiny mess hits the walls
Robbie: Sounds good to me, AHMED! WATCH OUT!
The Pickle Man headbutts Ahmed, but he simply shakes it off and hits him with a strong right before diving down the coridoor and rolling to the right behind cover. That Random Guy throws the canister, and Robbie shoots it with a Luger shot. The can, which has emitted a sort of liquid gas since being unscrewed, fires towards the Pickle Man as a makeshift fireball. The Pickle Man simply bats it to his left and it lands in one of the rooms, exploding and showering him with blood, organs and glass
Robbie: Well...at least we got four more to go!
Ahmed runs up to the Pickle Man, jumps, vgrabs him in a headlock and bulldogs him to the ground
Pickle Man: DAMN! THAT! HURT ALOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Johnson: Stop with the Sparta-isms, bitch! It’s Pearl River Plunge time!
Two guards jump on Johnsons back, but he simply slams one against the wall, causing him to explode into a red smear, and throws another at another guard, causing them both to explode in a yellow, orange and black inferno
Robbie: HOLY SHIT! HE JUST MADE TWO GUYS EXPLODE!
That Random Guy: EINSTEIN EAT YOUR HEART OUT!
A guard slowly appears behind Ahmed, clutching a monkey wrench. He raises it above his head, but Robbie pulls German Stielhandgranate and twists the cap
That Random Guy: Robbie, what is it with you and Nazi weaponry?
Robbie: I collect it, goddammit!
That Random Guy: You collect LIVE Nazi weaponry??!?
Robbie: DON’T ARGUE WITH MY GODDAMN LOGIC!!!!
He throws the grenade and it arcs over Ahmeds shoulder. The guard catches it and grins
Guard Seven: Pfff...tis a freakin’ collectors item, whats the worst it can—
The grenade explodes, showering the coridoor with blood and organs. That Random Guy runs at Robbie and they jump, hi-5ing in the air.
Pickle Man: NOT! MY! DAMN GUARDS!!!!!!!!!!!
Johnson: Parties over!
The Pickle Man swings an elbow behind him for Ahmed, but Ahmed ducks under, lifts him by his legs and slams him to the floor, before picking him up and hooking his arms behind his back
Johnson: PEARL RIVER PLUNGE!!!!!!!
Johnson lifts up the Pickle Man
Pickle Man: NOT! THIS! WAY, FINK!!!!
Johnson slams him violently to the ground in a Pearl River Plunge, causing the armor to collapse in on itself and the Pickle Man himself to dissipate into a thick, gluey paste of marrow and blood.
Robbie: Ahmed Johnson...Defying physics..
Johnson wipes his hands free from blood on his trunks, raising his arms
Johnson: STAY COOL DOGS! AND REMEMBER, HOLLA AT THE PEARL RIVER FOR AHMED JOHNSON IF YOU EVER IN TROUBLE!!!!!!!!
Ahmed Johnson keeps the pose going until he disappears in a bright red haze of light
Robbie: ................So, Checkers?
That Random Guy: I’m Black this time!
Snake and Meryl, the tomboy with ruby-red hair, wearing olive green combat pants with a black vest and black boots, and a Desert Eagle strapped to her waist via a black cargo belt, walk out of the bathroom to an ominous silence.
Meryl: That's strange. There's no guard....Tons of weirdos, though
Sal stands there, grinning
Sal: AH HAI!!!
Maurice: Quiet lads..Ya hear that?
Silence. Literal silence.
Frank: There’s nothing.
Maurice: Aye, that’s the point laddy...Story importance here, lads! Nay music!
Snake: Hey..what DID happen to the music?
Silence. Phil starts humming Sheamus's theme song. Jericho slaps him around the back of his head. Vince, Will, Sal and Frank walk out of the storage room.
Bill: Hey, anyone else notice it's gone quiet? Like, REAL quiet?
Billy: No shit.
Dave: I bet Frank broke it.
Frank: Shut up! It's pretty eerie! You don't suppose it's something to do with Lynch's group, do you?
Frank: ....I dunno. Lemme check.
Frank clicks the button on his walkie-talkie
Frank: Homies In Area! Homies In Area! This is Big Papa Bear wondering where Baby Bears are at!
Frank: Fuck you!
The receiver on the other end crackles with stomach, the radio waves slightly compounded by the raging blizzard. Static-filled voices are heard over the walkie-talkie
That Random Guy: Shits done down here...
Frank: Good, come on back!
That Random Guy: So much for that game of Checkers, Robbie
Robbie: Don’t worry, *BEEP*, we’ll kick his ass later
The sound of a beep and a thud. The elevator doors open to reveal the unforgotten mercenaries, Robbie and That Random Guy. Robbie keeps his eye down the sights, walking out with assault rifle ready. He scuttles out of the elevator, pointing it around the coridoor
Robbie gives the thumbs up to That Random Guy, who walks out
That Random Guy: Dudes, what happened to the music?
Frank: We have no idea..
Maurice clicks the button on his walkie talkie
Maurice: Little Moe, you there, Little Moe?
The receiver effortlessly picks up a signal
Moe: Right near ya, Wor Maur!
Maurice: Hows the vents?
Moe: Fuckin' dirty! I'm hearing weird things, too!
Maurice: ..Like? Apart from t'silence?
Moe: Crying..Lotsa crying!
Phil: Sounds like Wolf.
Frank: Yeah..but she's not in the first game..So who the hell could it be?
Sal: Psycho Mantis?
Jericho: Yes, PSYCHO Mantis, not EMO Mantis or PUSSYWIPE Mantis. PSYCHO Mantis.
Moe: Hey..what the- Somethings in here with me!
Maurice: Got outta there Little Moe!
Moe: FUCKING HELL!
Moe scurries out of the vents at their feet and stands in front of them, clutching his Desert Eagle and breathing heavily, almost scared
Moe: There were fucking something, Maurice!
Snake and Meryl just keep watching.
Meryl: Ok..these guys are starting to weird me out..Shall we continue with our mission objectives?
Snake: Hang on..I want to know what the fuck happened to the music..
Frank: What was it, Moe?
Moe: No idea, lads. No idea..It came up behind me, started crying, I almost pissed myself and got the hell outta there!
Jericho: Hang on...doesn't Crying Wolf appear in the Snowfield in the--
Mercenaries: DON'T BREAK THE FOURTH WALL!
Jericho: Why? Does it break the space-time continuum?
Frank: Well, he does have a point, she does appear in this environment, just at a later date.
Silence. Everyone looks at Phil.
Jericho: That follow the rules of the space-time continuum?
Sal: Yes. Yes it does.
Phil looks at Sal, straight-faced.
Sal: Sorry buddy.
Silence. Sound of heavy-breathing. The mercenaries look around, confused.
Snake: Look..guys...................Whatever. We have to get going.
Meryl: Seriously, Snake, My crotch is really so--
Snake: I don't want to know about your vagina! Let's just continue the story!
They both walk through the northern door, and it shuts behind them, leaving the Mercenaries and their silence.
Robbie: So..what now?
Phil: We die.
Jericho: Maybe you, I don't want to!
Phil: WE. ALL. DIE.
Will: Man, this is worse than Sonichu.
Silence. The mercenaries turn to Will.
Lynch: …..The fuck is “Sonichu”?
Will: Man, you know, that comic the autistic kid drew..looks like a pile of spaghetti on paper. I print it onto silk and use it to wipe my ass, you kno—
Frank: I don’t WANT to know! Let’s just go, shall WE?!
Will: Lead the way, cannon-fodder!
Frank slowly walks through the northern door, surrounded by his now-mini squad of Maurice, Moe, Phil, Sal, Vince, Will, Bob, Dave, That Random Guy and Robbie. The door opens, revealing fantastically-hideous golden and black wallpaper covering the walls…. and they also see Meryl on her knees, clutching her head
Meryl: My head! IT HURTS!
Snake: What's wrong?
Meryl: Don't come here, Snake!
All of a sudden, the mercenaries normal view of things switch: It feels like they’re viewing things through a wavy sea-blue filter, zooming around through an unknown room, picking up the views of a carved wooden desk, a leather office chair, and several marble busts of unknown, presumably important, people. It quickly vanishes and Will stumbles back, shaking his head
Sal: Feels like psychotropic drugs!
Bob: Yeah! You’d know something about that!
Snake: Are you okay? What happened?
Meryl slowly gets to her feet as if nothing happened. When she speaks, her soft voice has now transformed into something almost robotic and generic
Meryl: I am fine. Let us go.
Meryl walks to the north to the awaiting door.
Meryl: Come in Mr. FOXHOUND and his circus monkeys. The commander is waiting.
Frank: Circus monkeys? Shut up, bitch!
Meryl: Your mother.
Frank: Why you—
Frank steps forward, but Jericho grabs him in a headlock
Jericho: Goddammit shit for brains! She’s obviously gone loopy!
They fail to notice that both Meryl and Snake have gone through the northern door into the room.
Frank: Dammit. Let’s rock.
They slowly walk through the northern door and into the Commanders Room. The room itself is quite small, but marvellously decorated. To the top-center of the room is a carved desk, behind which sits various limestone sculptures on black marble rests which have been gilded in gold. A leather armchair is situated behind the desk, and several paintings of unknown figures hang in golden frames behind it. To the right are several more busts, and a small, black urn, as well as a Victorian-style rocking chair with floral padding. To the left are several more unknown, nameless paintings in golden frames, with yet more busts and the head of an unknown animal, to worn, dusty and torn to figure out it’s species, hanging from a wooden black above a carved wooden armchair.
Will: Now this..I could live in this..
Meryl, however, starts shaking violently as soon as she sets another foot into the room
Frank and Dave raise their rifles
Bob: Stop you fools! You’ll kill her!
Robbie aims his pistol as well
Robbie: That’s the idea..
She points her Desert Eagle at Snake. Frank and Dave pull back the levers of their rifles, loading the magazines into place as the rest watch. Meryl slowly walks towards Snake, moving side to side as if she was swaying, her Desert Eagle still pointed at the head of Snake
Meryl: Snake... do you... like me?
Snake: What the!?
Meryl: Do you like me?
Meryl: Hold me, Snake.
Snake: Fucking sweet!
Snake moves forward
Frank: She’ll fucking shoot you, man!
Meryl: Hurry... hurry! Make love to me!! Snake, I want you!!
Snake: Aw man it’s worth it!
Meryl: Yes. And for the circus monkeys.
A door to the north-east of the room slides open. Lynch, Steve, Mr. Dibbley, Dean, Karab, Brick, Bill and Billy walk out, arms spread-eagled, legs swinging forward, as if they’re tied to strings.
Frank: Aw man! I wish the Mechanics were here! I can’t even imagine the pain they’re suffering!
Across one of the catwalks a conga line of Johan, Stoofer, That Hispanic Guy, Liquid Snake and Ocelot is moving, all shirtless and wearing orange and black parachute pants, carrying a bottle of beer in their free hands
That Hispanic Guy: ARRIBA ARRIBA!!
Mr. Dibbley: Chip chip. Kill mercenary brothers.
Behind Meryl and Snake, We see Psycho Mantis, weafring a black skin-tight armless uniform with various wires emerging from parts of the uniform, coupled with a sinister jet-black gas mask whose eyeholes are made from orange-tinted glass, behind Meryl. He is controlling her.
Sal: Nigra! It’s Mantis!
Frank: The one who controls sweetypie?
Snake: Guys! GAAACCKK!!
Meryl has her hands gripped tightly around Snakes throat, throttling him
Snake: I ONLY TRIED TO FONDLE HER!!!!
Mantis: Yes...Throttle him
Snake: Keeps mah pimphand strong!
Snake deals a vicious backhands slap across Meryls temple. She collapses back, out cold
Mantis: Useless woman!
Snake turns around and notices Mantis. He jumps slightly.
Snake: So...optical camouflage..Hope that’s not your only trick.
Mantis: You! You doubt my power!?
Sal: I do.
Jericho: And me.
Ivan: me as vell..
Mantis: Yeah, but you lot are brainless dopes! THIS SNAKE DOUBTS MY POWERS?!?!?!
Snake simply chooses to ignores Mantis, looking down at Meryl
Mantis: Now, I will show you ALL why I am the most powerful practitioner of
psychokinesis and telepathy in the world!!!!!! There's no need for words, Snake. I am Psycho Mantis!!!!!!!! That's right... this is no trick! It is true power!!!
Snake simply pulls out his SOCOM and points it at Mantis. Instincively, the brainwashed mercenaries point their FAMAS rifles at Snake. The normal mercenaries respond by pointing their guns at the brainwashed mercenaries.
Mantis: It's useless. I told you, I can read your every thought. Now...let me read your mind. Or your past!
Mantis huffs and puffs
Mantis: Haha! I can see you like women....you love breasts...You have fondness for wolf-dogs, you like snow, walks in the park, and cups of Ice Tea. In battle, you’re stealthy....VERY sneaky, like a Snake.
Snake: And you walk into traps such as Claymores and think “WHOAMFG HOLY CRAPZORZ” and like to snap peoples necks.
Snake: A fucking fortune teller could tell me that.
Mantis: Can he tell you those guys standing behind you are from the future?
Snake: Yeah. That’s believable.
The mercenaries breathe a sigh of relief. Phil turns around to Johnny Cash, who has appeared, wielding his acoustic guitar like a baseball bat
Phil: It’s alright Johnny..we’re safe
Cash: Don’t care. Wanna smash some heads!!!
Mantis: You still don't believe me?! Very well...I will show you my psychokinetic power. Put your controller on the floor...
Snake: Do WHAT?!
Sal: Now HE’S breaking the fourth wall!
Dean: Quiet Sal. I shall vanquish your demonic soul from the Earth should you continue.
Karab puts on a pumpkin mask.
Karab: I am Great Pumpkin. Fear me.
That Random Guy: So.....Karab hasn’t been brainwashed?
The mercenaries shrug
Mantis Put it down as flat as you can... that's good. Now I will move your controller by the
power of my will alone!! HYURRRRGGHHHH!!!
He throws his arms out in front of him.
Snake: Ok? Gimp.
Mantis: What do you think now!? Can you feel my power now!?
Snake: Not even a little.
Mantis: Then the demonstration is over!! Mercenaries!! Kill your brothers!! Snake..you shall battle me!
Snake: Bring it fagface.
The brainwashed mercenaries slowly waddle behind Snake and stands nose-to-nose with their other, unaffected mercenaries. Mr. Dibbley is facing Sal.
Sal: Yeeeaaahhh..I gots a penguin..
Dibbley thrusts forward, shoving his beak through Sals lip, piercing it
Sal: MOOOOOUUUCCCCHHH!!! MAH LIPTH!!!
Mantis: Now! Leave!
A bright flash of sea-blue floods their senses, and when they blink, they are outside in the B2 coridoors.
Frank: This. Is. Fucking. Bad.
Lynch jumps on Franks back and locks him in a tight Sleeper Hold. The elevator doors shoot open and eleven Genome soldiers emerge
Soldier 1: Zere zey are! Zoo vill never back out of zis rematch!
Sal runs past them with Mr. Dibbley slapping him with a wet trout, screaming at the top of his lungs. Steve jumps at Phils back and starts to pull his hair and bite his ear
Phil: AH GODDAMMIT! GERROFF ME!
He slams his back against the wall, but Steve keeps a tight grip
Jericho, Ivan, Robbie, That Random Guy, Maurice, Moe, Will and Bob adopt kung-fu stances, screaming wildly at the top of their lungs
Will: BOW TO YOUR SENSEI!! CHICKEN CHOW MEIN!!!
Billy robotically grabs the door into the storage rooms and tears it off its hinges.
Billy: Target locker. Caber tossing commencing.
Will: Oh. Fuck.
Billy looks over Wills shoulder.
Soldier 1: Ah...vat ze vuck?!?!?!?!
A bright flash of blue light fills the room. The mercenaries stand there, unaffected
In front of them, Johnny Cash appears and pushes them back. Lining up in front of the mercenaries are Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr., Dean Martin, The Motor City Machineguns, Lemmy, Ahmed Johnson, Ken Shamrock and Michael Bisping
Shelley: Hey guys! MACHINEGUNS TENHUT!
Soldier Two: What the hell? Halloween costumes?
Johnny Cash stands in front of the line.
Coming Soon: Part VII
A showdown beckons between the brainwashed and the brainless! With an army of cameos joining the fray, have the odds been balanced or are they beyond help with the mercenaries behind help? Can a Johnny Cash return to the Mercenaries beckon a victory in this ultimate battle? Will the Rat Pack give the kiss of death to the enemies? Will Frank ever see Mantis again? And will Snake have kept his pimp-hand strong enough to do battle with Psycho Mantis? Tune in next week, as we see the conclusion of this epic battle, featuring a gimp mask removal, Porno magazines of ultimate distraction, The Machinegun Shuffle, the cameo re-appearance for the ages and baby wolves pissing on cardboard boxes. Stay tuned!