Sunday, 13 December 2009

Chapter IX - S-C-R-Something-Something Spells Screwed!

Part IX - Through A Frozen Hell

The scene opens in the cell room. Our true hero, Solid Snake, is sitting on the edge of his bed, staring at the right corner of the room. Through the chain-linked window, Brick knocks on the glass. Snake slowly looks up. Brick laughs and claps his hands.

Brick: I made him look! I made him look!

Dean: The fuck is he looking at, though? He’s just staring at one corner..

Bill: Who the fuck cares?

Meanwhile, in the Torture Chamber, Lynch has now taken to negotiating with Ocelot for his pay.

Lynch: We got promised one-fifty EACH in HAND for bringing this body back! Now, what do you say??!

Ocelot: get payed when this operation finishes..

Phil: We’re fucking mercs, man! We’re not busting our balls just cause you’ve got a giant nuclear-capable robot housed here! What if Snake paid us, eh?

Ocelot: I doubt he could pay..

Phil: We haven’t even been fed. He gives us a Ration, he outbids you fuckers!

Ocelot: Those rations taste like shitwater with cumbeef. Don’t flatter yourself.

Lynch: Pay us….or Will will teabag you!

Silence. Ocelot looks up from the console, turning to Will

Ocelot: Really?

Will: No!

Ocelot breaths a sigh of relief

Will: My balls are so big I’ll potato sack your fucking face!

Ocelot gulps, looking around the room

Ocelot: N-no..just no..

Lynch: Will. Unzip.


Will: …Can I get a sexy woman to say that? My penis just shrunk when you said that.

Lynch: Unzip it or lose it.

Ocelot: OKAY! Jesus fucking Christ! But..I gotta go get the boss, ok?!

Lynch: One-fifty each. Not our agreed fee.

Phil and Jericho: Agreed fee?

Lynch: We agreed on five-k. EACH. Isn’t that right?

Ocelot: Lynch, your busting my balls here-

Lynch: No! I refuse to do such a thing, you kinky, homosexual, rapist fuck!

Ocelot: One-fifty each…Ok..I can go get that…I only left it in the motherfucking Underground Maintenance.

Lynch leans forward

Lynch: Wanna re-phrase that?

Ocelot: I am NOT going to be persuaded by filthy, kill-for-money mercenaries!

Frank: You are, because you can’t kill us all.

Ocelot; I can try..

Jericho: And you know you’d fail! Get the money, and we can all just forget this little tiff, can’t we?

Ocelot: NO!

Jericho: For fucks--Look, if I wanted to have agreements cancelled by someone who just walked off the set of Brokeback Mountain, I’d be in Texas wearing a pair of assless chaps. But we’re not. Where’s our money?

Ocelot: Brokeback Mountain?

Jericho: Whaddaya say?

Silence. Ocelot looks around.

Ocelot: You sons of whores..Fine, I’ll go and get the cash…BUT! You fuckers had better meet me in the Blast Furnace in two hours..If not, you and the money are gone forever

Lynch: Try it then, sonny-jim.

Ocelot: TWO hours. You guys stay here until I call you, have you got that?

Lynch: Yeah, sure, as long as we’re being paid

Ocelot spits on the floor at Lynchs feet.

Ocelot: Sons of whores..

Lynch: Yeah, but I’m going to pay for those shoes to get shined, dickwad.

Ocelot: And I want him tortured!

Lynch shrugs

Lynch: Sure.

Ocelot: …Those lights better be fucking burnt out by the time I pay you and return! HAVE YOU GOT IT?!

Lynch: Yup.

Ocelot curses under his breath and stomps out of the room.

Bob: Yo Ocelo--


Ocelot pulls apart the elevator doors and steps in, slamming them shut

Bob: Charming man.

Lynch looks around the room.

Lynch: Alright men..We gotta free you-know-who..

The toilet flushes and Johnny walks out, turning to the mercenaries

Johnny: got my back, guys?

Sal: Yup!

Johnny: Good to have some backup!

The mercenaries grin at Johnny, who slowly walks into the cell room. As soon as the door slides shut behind him, they huddle together

Frank: Ok…when Johnny goes to the bathroom again. We shoot open the lock and get Snake to lie on the floor. Johnnys so retarded he won’t notice the lack of blood. We’ll tell him to help. He’ll run into the cell, Snake’ll jump up, kick his ass and take the key

Will: Will it work?

Sal: Johnnys retarded. It will work. You could outwit him with a box and a piece of cheese.

Frank: Coincidentally, that was also my second plan

Billy, Dean, Karab, Dave and Robbie are standing outside the cell. Snake is near the door, which has a gap open at eye-height

Snake: Apparently the Governments not gonna give into the demands..and Campbell was lying…Metal Gear IS designed to launch a new type of nuclear warhead, and he knew it.

Dave: Never knew about the warhead..Never cared..

Snake: guys aren’t with the Government?

Dean: Nope. We’re mercenaries through-and-through..Just we have a…..uhhh…

Karab: Moral compass.

Dean: ….What he said.

Snake: Nice to know someone has my back..Don’t suppose anyone smokes?

Dean nods into the Torture Room

Dean: Jerry does..

Snake: Ah…leave it..can’t be fucked..

Dean: You sure?

Snake: I guys..for mercs..are pretty privileged to be here..

Billy: Yeah, we’re in fucking paradise.

Snake: Well, not even the Government knows about this..


Dean: Really?

Snake: Need to know basis…With the S.T.A.R.T three talks coming up tomorrow, due to be signed.. No-one needs to know about this nuclear battle-tank other than those involved..

Dean: And we could…sell, this info?

Snake looks at Dean.

Snake: You know the info on REX?

Dean: No, but--

Snake: Then you have nothing worth selling!

Robbie: S.T.A.R.T Three, huh?

Snake: Signed tomorrow in case of a nuclear strike backing us into a corner..

Robbie: Well, you guys

Snake: Why..where are you mercs based?

Dean: Need to know basis.

Snake; Really? Cause you guys have saved my ass and still not told me anything….Look, either way, the only reason we’re dealing with the new treaty is to do with MY Presidents reputation and Americas place as a dominant superpower..

Dean: God fucking forbid that America should tell the truth, eh?

Snake: That’s what I thought..and now they want me to destroy Metal Gear..

Robbie: What a job to do, eh?

Snake: Yeah..yapped in one ear about doing whats right..yapped in another about DNA and how It can tell the future by some female English emo doctor..

Karab: Naomi Hunter

Snake; Yeah…how’d you know?


Dean: Yeah, KARAB, how’d you know?!

Karab: I…saw a lecture of hers?

Snake: Huh..interesting…

Dean is pushed away from the door by an unseen force. The mercenaries in the room point their guns at the door


Silence. All the mercenaries aside from Brick lower their guns

Brick: Who said that?

Vince slaps him around the back of his head

Vince: Idiot, it’s Otacon..

Brick: ahhhhhhhhhh…

Silence. His eye twitches and he points his gun at the door.

Otacon: HEY! HEY!


Otacon: WHAT?! WHAT?!

Vince: Otacon, you’re an otaku. Brick hates geeks, dweebs, nerds-

Otacon: I get the picture

Bill: Don’t forget jam-jar wearers, dorks, geekazoids--

Otacon: OK!

Snake is busy laying against the door, snoring loudly. Otacon raps against the metal door and Snake wakes up

Snake: About fucking time! What is it?

Otacon switches off his stealth suit, appearing in front of them all

Otacon: Wow..they even captured you!

Snakes eye twitches and he shoves his arms through the bars, grabbing Otacons arms and pulling him roughly into the door

Otacon: OW! Hey! That hurts!


Otacon: Damn Snake..Is that an animals cage? Or were you really worried?


Karab, Dean, Bill, Brick and Vince: DARPA Chief?

Snake points to the corner of the cell he was staring at. The mercenaries stand to the left of the cell to get a better view of what Snake is pointing at. The DARPA Chief, still dressed in his black shoes, brown slacks, white shirt, blue tie and ID badge, is starting to decompose. His flesh has wrinkled, and his skin is a lot paler. Maggots are crawling and pulsing over his body and on the floor near his shoes. His eyes are a deathly pale, his lips curled up over his teeth, and dried blood encrusted onto his shirt. The mercenaries all groan in disgust

Bill: Ewwwww…

Dean: NAS-TAY!

Karab: Sickening!

Vinces eye twitches as he stares at the corpse. A maggot sitting directly on top of the DARPA Chiefs head puts on a mini tophat and cane and starts to dance

Maggot: Hello, my baby! Hello, my honey! Hello my ragtime GAAAAAAL!!!!!!!!


Dean, Karab, Vince, Bill and Brick: What the fuck?!

The maggot quickly dives into the Chiefs skull and they grimace. Vince retches violently, putting his hands on his knees. Bill pats his back.

Bill: I thought you’d be used to the stench…It’s eau de Franks breath..

Franks voice: I heard that!

Snake: Yeah..he’s dead


Dean: What the fuck gave it away? The maggots? Bloodstains? Stench?

Bill: Didn’t he only die a few hours ago? Why’s he rotting? Like…shouldn’t that only be a day after the body is left in the open? I dunno..

Snake: I don’t know..Look at his skin too.


Karab: Well, his skins got some wrinkles in it. It’s pale. So?

Snake: Drained of blood, anyone?

Silence. X Files theme plays.

Brick: Fuck! Not The Man In The Banana Suit!

Vince: Nah! We left him crisping nicely in Otacons lab!

Otacons: AWWW-

Bill: Quiet Otaku, or I’ll punch you in the stomach and stab you in the eye with a Pocky you fuckmook!

Dean: Oi, morons, Why drain him of blood?


Brick: Alien abduction? Check his rectum, if there’s a probe! I’m right!

Bill: Fucking hell, Brick, does it look like he’s been anally violated?!?!?! He clearly had something in his blood they want

Dean: Like?

Bill: ………….Snake, help me?

Snake; Just transmitters and nanomachines , nothing important

Dean: Poo. We have a conspiracy.

Snake: Look..whatever, it’s the least of our problems..I’ve told Campbell about the sitch.

Vince: What’s the mission?

Snake: MY mission.

Otacon: What is it, Snake?

Snake: He told them his detonation codes. The only way to stop it is to use three keys made by Armstech to cancel the launch at the launch room in the computers..but Campbell wants me to…destroy Metal Gear.


Dean: Good luck

Snake: Is that it?

Dean: Pretty much..We don’t wanna face it, do we guys?

Karab: Nooo!

Brick: No no no..Your job..

Bill: Good luck! I’m sure you’ll do…..decently

Snake: Nice to know I have your support…YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MAH FRIENDS!!!!

Dean: Woah woah! Calm down, Snakey boy..What the fuck are supposed to do? Tickle it’s feet?

Snake: Help me?

Karab: Got cash?

Snake: Wha--NO! Of course not!

Brick: Sorry, buddy, we’re mercenaries. We don’t work for free.

Snake: But…I thought you guys had morals?!
Silence. They all fall to the floor and start laughing loudly.


Snake: You mother--I killed my own Dad, Think you guys can survive?
Silence. They slowly get to their feet and dust themselves off.

Karab: Killjoy.

Otacon: Who was your father, Snake? I thought you had no family…..

Snake: Big Boss is my father..Killed him in Zanzibar, Six years ago..Son of a bitch betrayed me, was my contact man..Made two versions of Metal Gear..Destroyed first one, thought I killed him…Six years ago, I destroyed Metal Gear D…and killed my father..

Karab: Wow. You are totally ruining the mood here.

Snake: Don’t you care Big Boss was my father?!

The mercenaries all shake their heads

Otacon: Anyway, Snake, I’ve brought these-

Otacon leans into the cell, handing Snake a cold hamburger, a small bottle of ketchup and a handkerchief. Snake takes the items and looks down at them.

Snake: Thanks, but can I have something….well..

He grabs Otacon by the collar of his LabCoat and pulls him violently into the door

Snake: FUCKING USEFUL?!?!?!?!?!?

Otacon: Hey! I thought you were hungry, so I brought you that!

Snake: And the motherfucking handkerchief??!

Otacon: It’s Sniper Wolfs!

Vince: Nice work, dummy.

Brick: Coulda got us a bomb..A key…instead you give us THIS SHIT!!!

Otacon: Only the guard has the key!

Snake: Why Wolfs handkerchief?

Otacon: She’s nice to me!

Snake: Oh, great. Stockholm Syndrome.

Dean: You fell in love with your captor?

Robbie: You. Stupid. DICK.

Otacon: HEY! I was taking care of the dogs here. After the terrorists took over, they were planning to shoot all the dogs. But Sniper Wolf stopped them... she even let me feed them when I asked! She likes dogs…..she must be a good person….Please don't hurt her!

Sal: Typical Otaku and Gaia Online logic “She kills people, but she likes dogs. She’s innocent.” YOU STUPID FUCK!

Otacon: Leave me alone!

Brick: You’re dumb, goddammit!

Bill: And coming from Brick, that’s saying something!

Snake: Otacon. They’re planning to launch the fucking nuke, you dumb cock.

Otacon: Then you’ll have to head past the Communication Towers!

Snake: GET ME OUT!

Otacon: I’m doing the best I can!

Snake: Take out the guard! Get his key!

Otacon: I can’t do that! I’m a scientist, not a soldier! I can’t take anybody out!

Vince: Oh, you fucking cow-

Otacon: I’ll be killed!

Silence. Sound of toilet paper being unrolled. Otacon gives a nervous sigh.

Otacon: Ah…gee…He’s done…I gotta go before he catches us!

Otacon clicks a button on the shoulder of his lab coat and he disappears, walking away quickly

Snake: You motherfucking dweeb!

Snake turns to the mercenaries, slamming the door with his fists

Snake: Help me!

Vince: How--

At that very instant, Lynch, Phil and Sal kick the Torture Room door open, firing their FAMAS wildly into the air. Frank runs over to the cell door.


Lynch, Phil and Sal stop firing. Frank fires several bullets at the lock and it shatters, the door sliding open. Snake pours ketchup next to his abdomen and quickly lays, spreadeagled on the floor. Dave watches, bewildered

Dave: He has got to be some level of retarded not to believe that-

The toilet flushes and Johnny quickly runs in, wearing only soggy Y-fronts. He quickly unlocks the cell and slides the door open, looking down at Snake with his hands on his head

Johnny: guys killed him?! WE WERE SUPPOSED TO KEEP HIM ALIVE!

Silence. Johnny keeps looking at the body. Snake lets out a squeaky fart.

Snake: Fuck.


Dean: The boy sure is dumb.

Snake jumps up, head butting Johnny under his chin, Johnny squeaks and stumbles backwards into Dean, knocking him off balance and spilling his coffee all over his fatigues. Johnny lets out a nervous sigh and turns around to see Dean, whose right eye is twitching violently.

Johnny: Uh…buy you ano--

Dean crumples the paper cup and screams loudly, grabbing Johnny by the testicles and squeezing as hard as he can. Johnny lets out a high-pitched squeal and starts jumping up and down. The rest of the mercenaries wince

Johnny: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! MOMMY!!!!!!!!!! MOMMY!!!! MOMMY!!!

Dean lifts his arm, lifting Johnny off the ground with a claw-grip on his gonads. Johnny starts foaming at the mouth, his right eye twitching incredibly fast.


Johnny: NUTBUSTER??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?





Dean lets go of Johnny. As soon as he hit’s the ground, Karab runs forward and kicks Johnny in the testicles as hard as he can. Johnny jumps up in pure excruciating pain, hits his head off the low cell doorway, and knocks himself out.

Snake: ….Woah

Karab starts hopping around in pain

Karab: My foot! My foot! I think I broke it on his ball sack!

Dean: Nice kick, Karab!

Karab: OW! MY FOOT!

The security door to the Torture Room hisses and slides open. Mr Dibbley and Robbie enter the room

Dibbley: Chaps, we heard gunshots? Is everything dandy in here?

The door of the cell room opens and Snake appears, followed by Phil, Will, Sal and Frank

Phil: Yeah..all fine and dandy..Johnnys choking on a ruptured testicle, Snakes been freed..

Billy, Bob, Dave, Obese Maurice, That Other Random Guy and Moe the Midget hear this, entering the room

Billy: That simple, huh?

Sal: Yup!

Frank: Indeed!

Billy: And we couldn’t have done it earlier and saved us this whole shit?

Lynch walks into the room

Lynch: Dibbley.

Mr. Dibbley slaps Billy around the head with a flipper


Mr. Dibbley: Charmed.

Bob: Are we all done here?

Snake emerges from the bathroom, tossing the box that held his stuff to the side, pulling his sneaking suit on tighter over his six-pack, which is clearly visible

Snake: Feels like I’m wearing..NOTHING AT ALL!

Vince: Oh GOD NO!

Snake turns his back to them, wiggling his ass and clearly visible buttcheeks


The mercenaries all turn away, screaming


Snake: Thanks guys..but you’re all GAY! AHAHAHAHAHA!

He runs off into the coridoor


Lynch: Let’s not waste another second, we better get going..

The other mercenaries file out of the cell room

Dean: Where to?

Lynch: Communication Towers…Just past the Snow Caverns--

Dave: With the wolves?!

Lynch: Yeah..

The mercenaries sigh

Mercenaries: Shit.


The mercenaries have made it into the tiny cavern outside of the Communication Towers Hallway. Nothing has changed, except that the passage they used has now been caved in to stop any wolves entering. Dave is making sure the stones are safely burrowed into the passage

Lynch: Nice grenading, Dave

Dean walks past, holding his right index finger in his left palm, blood gushing out

Dean: Yeah, thanks for checking to see if no mercenaries were fighting of horny wolves. YOU COCK!

Dave: Hey, you were too slow! Move it or lose it!

Lynch: …We managed to avoid hardcore wolf rape men, stand down

They all drop their weapons, breathing in and out heavily

Moe: I swear I felt it jump at me! I feared for my leg!

Bill: Get would’ve been your face

Moe shudders

Frank: But it’s nice and pretty in here, though..

The mercenaries look around inside the snowy cavern and nod

Phil: …Don’t let Celesse see it or we won’t be able to give out avatars anymore.

Jericho: Or Icons.

Phil: Or Icons. I forgot the Icons.

Frank: You guys are so snide, you know that?

Phil: Not really, I’m a businessman. Not THE business, MAN.

Jericho: Word to your mother.

Phil turns his head to Jericho

Phil: That made absolutely no sense whatsoever

Jericho: We’re mercenaries, does it have to make sense?

Sal pulls out a plate from nowhere and smashes it over his head before handing the shards to Steve, who takes them and starts munching on them.

Sal: Word.

Steve: To your mother.


Lynch: Come on, you fucking monkeys

They shoulder their weapons and walk into the coridoor, straight ahead and over the pools of blood which belonged to Meryl

Frank: Wonder where she went..

Phil: I bet Ocelots raping her..

That Other Random Guy: Lucky bastard..

Phil: You holding a torch for her, *BEEP*?

That Other Random Guy: No, it’s just the way my trousers are tightened

Vince: That is sick in so many ways.

They turn to the right and stand outside the Level Six Security door, guns at the ready

Lynch: the top of Tower A, over to Tower B, down, into the Snowfield, get our pay, and fucking leave!

Frank: SAVE SNAKE and leave..

Lynch: That’s what YOU’RE doing..ONWARDS!

As they step towards the door, the door slides open and a guard walks out, the same guard who had hassled them before, pointing his FAMAS rifle at Lynch

Lynch: Oh, for Christs sake, stop this bollocks and let us pass

Soldier: NEVER! I know that zoo lot are ze intvuders!

Lynch: Guy….Let it go.

Soldier: And zif I zon’t?!

Silence. Whistling sound.

Soldier: What in ze blue vuck-

A huge boulder flies down from the ceiling and crashes on top of the soldier, crushing and killing him instantly. The ‘boulder’ however stands up to reveal the form of Bam Bam Bigelow, complete with cobweb tattoo on his hand, and a wrestling outfit covered in blue and orange flames


He vanishes in a blue flash. They all blink and look down at the bloody smear on the floor.

Maurice: …Let’s go, lads

They all step over the bloody smear and through the door. The coridoor ahead is dark. Only a small amount of pale-blue lighting is seen. Ahead of them are 2 lone wooden crates, stacked in the corner. Slumped against the crate is a guard, with a pool of blood around him

Frank: Snakes been here..Damn, I was hoping to pop some caps in asses..

A wolfs howl shakes the coridoor and the mercenaries all look around

Sal: a-awfully dark in here..

Mr. Dibbley: Just a bit, lads..Just a bit..

Bob: Man..this is some..freaky shit..

Lynch: C’mon you faggots. Move onwards.

They start to walk up the abandoned coridoor

Karab: Anyone believe in ghosts?

Silence. Sam and Dean look at each other

Sam and Dean: No!

Sal: I DO!

Brick: And me!

Phil: But we all believe in…Banana MAN!

Demonic sounding music and choir

Frank: Guys..stop! It’s scaring me!

Will: You’ve found a mirror?

Frank: ..God, Will! Have you tried not being a complete and utter bastard?!

Will: Tried it. Didn’t like it.

They reach the end of the coridoor and turn left. A short walk ahead of them is another Level 6 Security Door.

Jericho: You know, I want copyright taking out on this shit

Phil: You know this is copyright of Konami, right?

Bob: We’re not breaking laws…are we?

Phil: No, just so long as we don’t try to sell merchandise as our own, did you hear that Christian Weston Chandler, you fat fucking retard?

Jericho: Phil, cut the pop culture references, they’re not funny

The ghost of Michael Jackson moonwalks past them

Jackson: HEE-HEE!!

It vanishes into a wall. The mercenaries keep walking.

Moe: This is completely random shit now..

Jericho: Phil?

Phil: Wasn’t me. Don’t let Celesse see it tho--

Jericho: WHAT DID I SAY?!

Phil: Tentacles?


Silence. Huge cheers erupt from the mercenaries


The security door slides open. Before them stands a simple spiral staircase attached to the walls, going upwards into a dark, unseen abyss. The staircase spirals around 4 tall girders erected vertically, acting as the skeleton of Communication Tower A, the girders interconnected with webs and triangles of girders. The room itself is empty, the thick dust collecting on the walls, the dim strip lighting on the walls, and the dirt encrusted onto the metal steps of the stairs, coupled with a musky odour, suggests the place hasn’t been cleaned in a long time.

Lynch: Well…up

Frank: Up where?

Dean: Up there.

Lynch points at the staircase, then up into the abyss

Will: Motherfucker.

Bob: Where does it lead?

Lynch: Ha! I did the research, cunts! It leads to the roof of Communication Tower A, which we use to reach and go down Communication Tower B, and THEN we reach the Snowfield, and we pass into thr Blast Furnace, Warehouse..and then the Underground Maintenance! SO MOVE YOUR ASSES!

They all whine and walk to the foot of the staircase. Lynch starts briskly jogging up and reaches a platform where the staircase continues to follow the opposite wall, he turns and looks down at them

Lynch: NOW!

They start the trek up the large staircase which is spiralling upwards in a square-pattern, whining to themselves

Sal:Are we there yet?

Vince: My feet hurt!

Phil: This place smells funny..

Halfway up, they walk past a yellow panel with a red glass dot in the middle, a red light beaming out from it

Billy: The fuck is that?

The lights suddenly go out as they reach the metal panelling of the platform


Frank: What the hell is this?

Electronic Voice: TIME TO GET RANDOM!


Dean: I don’t like this!

That Other Random Guy: Change? I DON’T LIKE CHANGE!

All of a sudden, various dots of silver light dance across the walls. The mercenaries look up: From the ceiling, dangling in the metal skeleton of the actual tower itself, is a disco ball. All of a sudden, a steady electronic techno beat starts to play

Freestylers - Don’t Stop The Rock:
There's a party in the house and we'll be rockin' tonight
So bring your body with you baby and I'll make you feel right
It's a freaky celebration of a natural kind
And the pleasure you'll experience will blow your mind

Frank: I don’t like the sound of this!

Sal: Yeah, man! What a beat!


The mercenaries keep standing there as Sal and Vince start to do the Robot, and Bill does the funky chicken


Frank starts to do the Running Man, dancing past Lynch

Frank: WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Lynch turns to the mercenaries, who have started to do various disco dances. Phil, Maurice, Moe, Sal, Vince, Brick and Billy are in a circle, doing the robot


Freestylers - Don’t Stop The Rock:
Freestyle's kickin' in the house tonight
Move your body from left to right
To all you freaks, don't stop the rock
That's freestyle speakin' and you know I'm right
Freestyle's kickin' in the house tonight
Move your body from left to right
To all you freaks, don't stop the rock
That's freestyle speakin' and you know I'm right

Billy: What, man?
Lynch is simply staring behind them. Barely highlighted by the disco light is the face of Laughing Octopus, short blonde hair swaying, her young face grinning inanely
The mercenaries all laugh as Octopus side-steps to behind Bob
Dave: Yeah, what can possibly happen?! Snake killed the guards, and we’re fucking funking!
Freestylers - Don’t Stop The Rock: Everybody will be dancing to the beat on the floor
You will encounter situations never thought of before
Satsfaction's gaurenteed if you know what I mean
And when you walk into the door its such a freaky scene
Freestyle's kickin' in the house tonight
Move your body from left to right
To all you freaks, don't stop the rock
That's freestyle speakin' and you know I'm right
Freestyle's kickin' in the house tonight
Move your body from left to right
To all you freaks, don't stop the rock
That's freestyle speakin' and you know I'm right


Bob: What is it? A fan who loves my funktapus dancing?!

Octopus nods, still grinning, and sniggers loudly

Bob: ……There’s something behind me isn’t there?

The music stops suddenly, the lights turn on and the disco ball is lifted into the ceiling

Lynch: THERE’S THREE OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The asian beauty of Raging Raven is standing behind Will, while the brunette form of Screaming Mantis is behind Frank

Lynch: Bye.

Lynch turns around and runs up the stairs. The mercenaries watch as he runs up the stairs.
Vince: Where’s he going so fast?

Dave: He scared or something?

Silence. Will giggles.

Will: Someones touching my happy sack!


Phil: That is goddamn wro--FUCKING BAIL!

Phil turns to Will, only to see Raging Raven with her body pressed into his back, rubbing her hands down his body. He quickly turns and runs up the stairs. Bob turns around and screams as Octopus jumps on him, forcing him to the ground and making out with him violently



The mercenaries have all turned to run. Frank tries to run forward, but Mantis grabs his hair and slams him violently to the ground, jumping on him and straddling him, pinning him by his wrists

Frank: Oh fuck.

Mantis: Correct.

Raven throws Will against the wall and jumps at him

Will: BE GEN--HELP!!!!!!!!!!

The mercenaries have simply ran…

And ran…

And ran…

And stopped to breathe..

And ran some more..

Up the angular winding square metal staircase, ignoring the Level 6 security door three-quarters up the tower and kept running, not thinking about their abandoned, raped team. They eventually reach the top, which features a series of winding metal-grating catwalks around the skeleton of the Communication Towers. Not stopping for one second, Lynch jumps onto the ladder and climbs up. Phil shoves Dave out of the way and jumps onto the ladder, but Dave simply latches to his back. Dean and Karab climb up with half of the ladder on each side. Eventually, the mercenaries make it up the ladder and to a tiny room, where the door is slightly ajar. They run forward and quickly slide it open, emerging into the raging blizzard of Shadow Moses, which has slowed down significantly, but the harsh cold wind is still pelting at their bodies. Their lungs ache, and they quickly catch their breath. The lone platform of Communication Tower A holds them, and to their right is a large strut, covered in air-con units, and computers underneath a huge Radar dish, whose scarlet lights blinking in the bitter blizzard add a touch of mystery to the scene. The metal supports creek with each strong gust of cold wind

Phil: What the FUCK was that? We need to get those bastards back!

Lynch: Too late...they're being sexed..

The mercenaries all shudder

Sal: We need to finish soon..Time rift is ripping apart way too fast..

Karab: I think I have soiled myself.

Silence. Karabs stretches his leg.

Karab: Assumption correct.

Everyone sidesteps from Karab

Mr. Dibbley: Dammit chaps, how did they get here?

Moe: Time warp? They did the time warp...Get it, guys?

Maurice: Aye, bad crack little lad.

Lynch: There! Finally!

Lynch points to their right. They watch as Snake is slowly making his way up a set of concrete steps onto the strut connecting the two communication towers

Lynch: Well…he’s safe. More than can be said for 3 of our team-mates.

Sal: True, true…..So…we can’t be far off now..

Phil: Now let us watch as Snake safely makes his way up

They watch as Snake reaches the top, only for several missiles to scream down from the night sky with a blaze of orange following them. The mercenaries turn and watch.

Lynch: Oh.

Dean: My.

Dave: Fucking.

Billy: God.

The missiles hit the supporting beams of the satellite dish, which creaks forward, huge yellow explosions pouring out from it’s body. It eventually collapses forward, taking the entire strut with it. Red and yellow flames dance in the sky amongst choking black smoke, and the satellite dish simply disappears down into a huge abyss. Snake looks down at the smouldering, smoking wreckage, dumbstruck


Lynch: Snake? Everything ok?

Snake turns to the mercenaries, flailing his arms in frustration and pointing repeatedly at the now non-existent strut

Snake: DID YOU SEE THAT?!?!?!? DID?!?!? YOU?!?!? FUCKING?!?!? SEE?!?!?!? THAT?!?!?!

Bill: Calm down, man! Of course we saw it!

Snake: WHAT NOW?!?!?

Moe: We can think of--Anyone else hear that?

The thing sound of chopping air is heard filling the area. Behind them, a huge neon light engulfs the remaining platform. They all look at Snake.

Mercenaries: Something behind us, isn’t there?

Liquids voice booms out from the control panel

Liquids Voice: MOVE!!!!!

They turn around: A huge, gunmetal-gray Hind D has surfaced from below the Communication Tower, bearing down on them, it’s huge rotors spinning and slicing the air, a vulcan cannon situated on the bottom, and several sets of missile launchers dotted across the wing. The mercenaries quickly run to the side, screaming


Snake: LIQUID?!


The Hind flies over them, and lowers down into the abyss where the satellite dish fell. Snake and the Mercenaries run over to the railing and look down

Snake: We can’t take on a Hind with our bare hands…We need to escape..
The Hind resurfaces to their left, strafing across the length of the platform

Liquid: NOW YOU’RE MINE!!!!!!!!!!

Snake quickly winds a length of rope around his waist, and around the railing, jumping over and turning to the mercenaries as he stands on the ledge
Snake: What are you waiting for?!?!?


Lynch: Go! We’ve got a plan!

Snake looks at them

Snake: It better be fucking good!

Snake jumps down, disappearing from view. The mercenaries close their eyes as the hissing sound of missiles fills the air and starts to get close to them..


It looks like our mercenaries have now finally reached the end of the line! Will they survive? What is Lynchs plan? Will the next update take as long? What has happened to the unlucky mercenaries set upon by horny Beauties? Find out, next time!

Sunday, 22 November 2009

Chapter VII - Capturing The Snake

The scene opens up with our klutzes, standing in front of what seems to be a sealed off area. A quick glance to the bottom left, and to the shield over Wills crotch shows that once again, “Mr. Black and Decker” has drilled them a safe passageway. The room/cavern in which they are all huddled in is absolutely tiny compared to the amount of people in it. The southern half is completely rock, dashed with white veins of snow and green streaks of mould with the rock, while the Northern half, looking almost unfinished, consists of gray steel tiles neatly slotted onto the rocky floor: These tiles also beckon steel walls across the northern half of the small room, dead ahead, at directly North, stands a Level 5 Security Door, which has been battered by the wolves claws and snowy winds.


Well, since we last left them, they managed to run away from them successfully…..with a price.

The Mercenaries are all breathing heavily, doubled over with hands on knees. Sal is sobbing wildly, rubbing off a white goo from his leg


Will is shaking, his arms wrapped around himself, his legs covered in the white goo

Will: I have been..SOILED!

Lynch G-good running m-men..

Phil: As always..As always..

Robbie is leaning against a wall, eyes wide

Robbie: They took my INNOCENCE!

Will: Don’t kid yourself..your innocence has been long lost..

Maurice: Nice running, Moe..managed to avoid a face-humping!

Moe shivers violently

Moe: My first thoughts were “NOT THE FACE!” and so..ZOOM!

Mr. Dibbley waddles past Moe and Maurice who are sitting against the steel wall panels

Mr. Dibbley: Haha! I managed to evade those dastardly wolves since I am an entirely different species!

Jericho tries to light up a cigar, which itself has frozen solid within Jerichos trench coat pocket. He throws it down and stomps on it, looking at Mr. Dibbley

Jericho: Oi, Pingu, you’re flippers bleeding

Mr. Dibbley looks down at his right flipper, which has been scratched to a bloody pulp

Mr. Dibbley: Oh…..Ohhhh…Ohhhhh twat.

That Other Random Guy: Aye..and our Medic ain’t even here…EH, Fraaaaank?!?!

Frank: *Beep*, don’t you have something better to do…like, rape men?

That Other Random Guy: YOU SUCK!

Bob: For the love of fu--Out the way! I’ll help ya, Dibbley..

Bob tears off the cuff of the right arm of his uniform and starts to bandage Dibbleys flipper.


Sound of panting and howling. A lone, gray wolf trots into the small cavern with a lit cigar between it’s teeth, smiling happily and slowly trotting towards Billy. Billy stamps his foot on the rock towards the wolf, which stops suddenly


Vince: Jeez, calm down Billy-


Bill: Woah, Billy..The RSPCA would be on our ass if you-


Billy points at the wolf, tearing off his white uniform shirt and black combat vest, flexing his biceps


Lynch: How about y-you all stop fucking around and we continue this mission, huh?


Moe: f-fucking cold..

Maurice spits on the floor and it shatters as ice

Maurice: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

Frank: M-men! Onwards!

Phil, Steve, Dave, Bob, Sal, Dean and Karab are all huddled close to each other, their weapons in the middle of them, the recently-fired barrels to deter the wolves providing a little heat.

Dean: Is it just me, or is this looking incredibly gay?

Bob: Sticking our barrels against each other…Definitely homo-erotic..

Karab: Well, at least it is the guns..

Dean: Too cold to think of anything else, my man..Wish I knew where the fuck Sammy got to..

Phil: Awwww…miss your ickle brother?

Dean: Fuck you!

Robbie: Gay.

Billy and the wolf are now circling each other, shaking their fists. The wolf is on its hind-legs, circling Billy

Billy: G’wan! You throw the first punch!


A small wolf pup runs in, nothing more than a small bundle of fur with a tiny muzzle and a wet nose. It sits down and looks up at Bill with it’s glistening amber eyes, a small pout to its lips

Pup: Ruuu?

Bill looks down at the pup

Bill: o.O….

Pup: Ruuu..myu..

Bills left eye twitches

Pup: Ruuuuuu…


Frank: Can we Lynch? CAN WE?! CAN WE?!

Lynch facepalms

Lynch: This can NOT be happening!

Mr. Moneypennies crawls out of Bricks pocket, wearing a mini beanie on his head

Mr. Moneypennies: Sheeeit! Look at that cuties eyes!

Pup: Mrrrruuuu..

Ivan: Must….vesist…CUTENESS!

Dave: What are we all looking at?

Dave looks down at the pup, who’s gaze immediately shoots towards him. Daves eyes glass over and he jumps down near the pup, stroking its head

Dave: Hooja booga booga! HOOJA!!!

Ivan: Vell, Daves lost it.

Robbie jumps down, joining Dave


Sound of a door sliding open.

Lynch: I WILL go without you cunts!

The mercenaries all moan

Moe: Kill-joy!

Maurice: Ya tell him Moe..ya tell him..

Lynch: Now!

The mercenaries all groan and pick up their weapons, shouldering them and holding them at the ready.

Jericho: Twat.

In single file, the Mercenaries follow Lynch out of the door. Billy simply stares at the wolf

Billy: Next time, fucker!

Billy leans down, picking his PSG1 Sniper rifle up from the floor and strapping it to his bare back

Billy: GRAR!!!!!

The wolf sniggers, and Billy turns around, walking out of the door.

Bob: All done, Dibbley..You good?

Dibbley: Ready for anything..Thank you, old bean!

Mr. Dibbley pats his “waist” belt, more specifically the Walter P38

Bob: C’mon..Let’s go

They both walk through the door to join the mercenaries, plunging the small cavern back into semi-darkness.

Still silence.

The door shoots open and Dave and Robbie run in. Dave grabs the wolf-pup and cradles it between his arms

Dave: Booja wooja! You’re coming with Daddy!

Dave looks around as to where to place the wolf-pup. He looks at Robbies gray German officer uniforms and grins.

Dave: Robbie, Pocket?

Robbie unbuttons his left breast pocket and opens it. Dave slowly places the pup in the pocket, and it curls up inside


They turn around and head towards the door, only for the fully-grown Wolf to growl loudly. Robbie turns towards it.

Robbie: Wait for us in the Snowfield, my sharne!

The wolf seemingly understands: It’s head nods slightly and it quickly dashes through the gap in the wall, before Robbie and Dave enter through the door.
The mercenaries are lined up against the Southern wall, staying away from a pile of gray plaster dust that has pooled a few inches away from them. Ahead of them is a looming coridoor: Tall. Long. Coloured a cold, unforgiving gray, with spatters of green mold across it. Lights line the bottom of the walls, shining up cold beams of neon light halfway up the wall, giving it the appearance of prison bars. At the end of the coridoor looms a huge series of intimidating steel girders in triangle-style shapes. Below which sit’s a lone catwalk, bisected by a lone concrete pillar situated to the near-left of the field of vision the tight passage allows. One can just about make out a lone figure, clad in green and wearing a black ammo belt with green leggings tucked into black boots. Her shirt is unbuttoned at the top, revealing an ample cleavage, her blonde hair falling over her face and gunmetal-gray PSG1 Sniper Rifle…Sniper Wolf.

She watches the Mercenaries she can see lined up against the Southern wall: Bob, Dave, Robbie, Lynch and Frank, through the scope of her PSG1 Rifle, under whelmed to see them staring at the downed body of Meryl, who has deep black wounds in her arms and chest, scarlet blood crying out from the wounds, several blood pools spattered onto the cold floor by her left leg, right arm and near her chest.
After staring for a few minutes, Lynch opens his mouth

Lynch: Huh..We always miss the good stuff

Dave: You got that right..

Jericho: Nasty mess, there..

Sniper Wolf sighs and stands up, coming into their clear view. They look at her and wave, smiling.


Sal: So RUDE!

Vince: No problem, ya bitch!

Ivan: Vatever lady..

Robbie: Yeah! You and which army!!


Robbie: ....Oh. THAT army

Jericho steps forward--


Jericho: Ahh..

Ivan: Ze fucking Claymores!

Wolf: vell! Move around! I can’t exactly move ze body myself, Can I?!


Jericho: Move…the body.

Phil: Are you fucking serious?

Silence. Sound of the rifles bolt-action clicking into place.

Phil: …Yeah, she’s pretty serious

Wolf: ….Are you idiots launching an insurrextion?!

Billy: Insurrextion?

Vince: I think it means “Being bad”

Brick: I’ve been to Taco Bell, I think you’ll find it comes with the Burritos

Mercenaries : Mmmmmm…Burritos..


Lynch takes a step forward, making sure not to walk into a claymore

Lynch: Hey! Lady! When we signed up, we were only contracted to shoot intruders on sight, NOT move dead bodies!

Wolf: Van, she’s not dead! If you care to look closely, you can see she’s BREATHING!

Silence. The mercenaries look over at Meryl, who’s chest is clearly moving in and out, indicating shallow, but steady breathing

Brick: Well I’ll be damned!

That Other Random Guy: A shot to the chest and she’s still ticking!

Wolf: TWO! You idiots only joined on basis of payment! You do anything! ANYTHING!


Will: She’s got us there.

Dean: Who signed the contracts?!

Everyone looks at Frank, who lowers his head.


They shower Frank in random items, including toilet roll, a rotten egg, Dean smashes a Ming Vase over Franks back, and Phil even throws a kitten at Franks face. Frank screams, running around the small place as the kitten clings to his face, hissing as it claws him

Lynch: Nice going, Nolastname, I like the way it’s making him even uglier

Will: My God, I never knew it was possible!


Lynch: Ok! Ok! Alright!

Lynch looks down at her body

Lynch: But you said there’s Claymores!


Lynch and Frank look down at a series of footprints imprinted into the gray plaster dust that has been left over the Claymore area

Frank: Oooo! How handy!


Vince: Ok! Bitch.

Starting with Will, who is at the far right, the mercenaries place their backs to the wall and slowly inch across the edge of the dust like a slow snake.

Karab: Slowly..slowly..

Ivan: Yes…very slow..

By the time they make their way into the main coridoor, Wolf is beside Meryls body, arms folded, her PSG1 strapped comfortable to her back. She stares at them as Maurice and Sal make their ways from the slow snake and into the coridoor

Sal: Cool! We’re he--LOOK AT THOSE TITS!

Sal points down at Wolfs cleavage, mouth open. Wills eyes, sure enough, stare down at her large breasts, showing a deep cleavage

Will: Wanna get a drink, twins?

Wolf folds her arms over her chest

Wolf: No.

Will: A…a bite to eat?

Wolf: No.

Lynch: Ok, stop gawping lads……but those sure are some nice titties..


Mr. Dibbley: I see nipples.

Wolf looks up in shock, either from embarassment or seeing a talking Emperor Penguin. Phil, Dave, Bob, Dean and Karab walk over to Dibbley, looking exactly where he is


Dean: it cold in here?!

Karab: That could cut glass-

Wolf: EYES UP NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyones head snaps up to look at Wolf. Phil cries out, clutching his neck


Bob grabs the sides of his neck and cracks it. Phil cricks his neck from side to side

Phil: Thanks, Bobby-boy

Bob: Don’t mention it

Dave: Ok Mrs. Tits..I MEAN! Sniper Wolf! What do you want?

Wolf: Are you still staring?


Steve: I’m not

Wolf: YOU are sweating!

Steve shakes his head

Steve: Sorry boob--I mean! Wolf!

Wolf: Ok then, you two

She nods at Steve and Dave

Wolf: Lift ze body..all of you, follow me

Steve grabs Meryls legs, while Dave lifts the legs

Frank: Under the thumb, guys?

Jericho: Have you SEEN that rack?!?!?!

Dean: It’s how I like ‘em…Big!

Brick: You could park a car between those babies!

Wolf: FUCK! NOW!

Dave and Steve rush along, Steve drops Meryls head and it smashes off the floor

Meryl: Owwwwwwww..

Steve: Whoops! My bad!

The mercenaries follow Wolf up the coridoor, turning right and past the set of steel steps which lead up to the catwalk. Behind a large pillar with snow and ice leaning majestically off it’s small support girders stands a Level 6 Security Door, beckoning them. Wolf walks forward, and the door slides open

Wolf: You bastards..hide ze body here..There’ll be some guys along to take care of her...But I want you guys here..

Frank: Why, hooty?

Wolf: …It’ll take some time to get him back to ze Torture Room


Karab: Fuck.

Wolf: Vat?

Lynch: He sneezed. We’ll do it.

Wolf: Ok..I need 5 of you up here with me, hiding to make sure he’s at least held at gunpoint when he comes past

Lynch: Ok..

Wolf: Vich of you money are psychotic?

Lynch: All of them.


Wolf: Veally?

Bill: Uh we do kind know..Kill. For. Cash.

Lynch: Add the fact we hired a penguin who speaks the Queens English.

Mr. Dibbley: Charmed.

Wolf stares at Mr. Dibbley before shaking her head

Lynch: And a midget

Wolf looks down at Moe, who is busy staring up at her

Wolf: Where is he?

Moe: All I see is tits, Maurice! No face! ……PERFECT WOMAN!

Maurice: Good on ya, lad..But lets try not be sexist, yeah?

Wolf: ….Fair enough..

Lynch: And we want paying for this! IN HAND!

Wolf: Fool! I am not ze treasurer! Take it up with Liquid!

Lynch: Let him know we want one hundred dollars EACH when we get the heavy bastard to the Torture Room

Wolf: Son of a-

Frank: Money first. Bitches later.

Steve: Notes before Hos!

Steve and Phil bump fists

Wolf: FINE! You’ll get ze money!

Lynch: Then call.

Wolf: Bu--

Lynch: NOW.

Wolf: Take it up with Liquid when we get back there! Now! Your psychos!

Lynch: Phil, Dave, Robbie, Ivan, Sal…All of you, follow the lady..

Phil: Anything for Miss Hooty here..

They walk out into the coridoor again, and the door slides shut in front of the other mercenaries. She leads them up the metal steps and onto the catwalk, pointing at three stacked cardboard boxes safely stacked behind the large pillar

Wolf: Take zem.

The crazy mercenaries look at each other

Wolf: NOW!

They all quickly huddle behind the large steel pillar, taking the boxes. The sound of a door sliding open fills the air. Wolf quickly dives onto her stomach and readies her rifle, placing the edge of the rifle oover the catwalks edge, staring down the scope

Wolf: DO IT!

A shot whistles out and the bullet hit’s the behind wall near the mercenaries. They look at the smoking bullet hole.

Robbie: Snake means business!

Robbie quickly grabs his box and shoves it over his head, sliding to the side and huddling against the northern wall. Ivan, Sal, Phil and Dave look at each other

Ivan: Vucking’re sharing boxes..

Wolf fires off a quick shot, only for a reply to meet it, grazing her shoulder

Wolf: SHIT!

Ivan quickly pulls the box over his head and sits down. Dave lifts the box up.

Dave: Heyyyy box buddy!

Ivan: VUCK! NO-

Dave gets in the box and quickly lowers it to the floor. Phil and Sal look at each other, lifting the box up and dropping it over themselves, sitting on the floor. As they quickly slide along the floor next to Robbies box, another shot rings out, thumping against the wall above the box


Robbie: Ssssshhhhh! We’re going incognito!

Dave: This is so fucking stupid

Another shot rings out and Wolf cries out as it hits her square in the shoulder


She rolls onto her back behind the pillar, and Snake starts to run up the coridoor. She turns to Dave and Ivans box

Wolf: Get veady..

As Snake runs past the metal steps, he looks up: Nothing. He can’t see Wolf behind Ivan and Daves box. He shrugs anyway, running towards the security door.

Lynch: are we going to explain this?

Just as Snake reaches for the door, four green-uniformed guards pour out from the coridoor: Snake was too oblivious to check. The guard point their FAMAS rifles at Snake, who now has no choice but to raise his arms

Wolf: GO!

Wolf storms down the metal steps, slowing to a walk at the bottom and seductively walking towards Snake with her PSG1 pointed squarely at his heart.

She looks back.

The boxes are still there.

Snake looks at the guards, then at Wolf, then at the boxes

Snake: The hell?


Silence. The boxes are begrudgingly taken off and Phil, Ivan, Dave, Sal and Robbie emerge and get to their feet, walking to the top of the stairs

Snake: ……Riiiiiight..

Wolf: Hard to miss when you're this close…Toss your weapon over there. Slowly...
Snake looks up at the mercenaries

Sal: Do it!

Snake curses under his breath and slides his SOCOM across the floor, where one of the guards picks it up. Wolf and one of the guards go closer to him.

Wolf: The rest of you, come out of there!


Wolf: Get them…

One of the guards, keeping his rifle firmly pointed at Snake, sidles over to the Communication Towers security door and knocks on it.


Karab: Whoooo is it?


Wolf: Get out, now!


Frank: Who is it?


Wolf: NOW!!

Moe: I think it’s the Pizza Delivery Guy..

The door slides open and the rest of the mercenaries slowly trundle out. It’s a miracle that Wolf and the guards don’t figure them out then and there: Their guns are in one hand, drooped by their sides, and they are clearly reluctant

Snake: These guys wouldn’t harm me..

Wolf: ….You! Shoot him in the shin!

Wolf points at Billy

Billy: ..Whoa! Me?

Wolf: You have a PSG1 too…Do it.


Wolf: Do it, or--

Wolf turns and points her rifle squarely between Franks eyes

Wolf: Shoot Snake or I shoot ze drunk..


Billy turns to Frank

Billy: Sorry, Frankie

Frank: NO! BILLY!

Wolf: NOW!

Snake: Just do it..

Billy walks in front of his snake, pointing his rifle at his shin and looking down his scope

Billy: Making sure I have a sure shot..

Wolf: Oh! For fucks sake! Just do it!

Snake: DO IT!

Billy simply stands up, and straps his rifle to his back

Billy: Fuck yeh.

One of the guards aims his gun at Billys temple, but he swings around, grabbing the barrel and forcefully shoving the butt into the guards jaw, quickly pulling the gun off him and tossing it to the ground. Wolf raises her hand to the remaining guards, laughing merrily

Wolf: Good show..You’re lucky I want this one all for myself..or you would be dead..

Billy: I’ll keep it in mind

Billy walks back to the mini group of mercenaries, and Snake breaths a very small sigh of relief

Wolf : Quiet! You are a fool to come down here.. stupid man!

Snake : Yeah,’re just a lady sniper…

Wolf: Didn't you know that two thirds of the world's greatest assassins are women? Do you want to die now? Or after your female friend? Which will it be?

Snake : I'll die after I kill you.

She lets out a small laugh. The mercenaries also give a rebellious chuckle.

Wolf : Is that right? Well at least you've got spirit..

Wolf drops her gun to her side and runs her free hand through her hair.

Wolf : I am Sniper Wolf and I always kill what I aim at.

Silence. Coughing.

Lynch: Sniper…WOLF, Phil.

Phil: I spotted that, dork.

She walks over to him and strokes his cheek slowly

Wolf : You're my... special prey. Got it?

She scratches Snake's cheek, leaving a small bloody scratch. Snake lets out a small grunt.

Maurice: Total ball buster, lads..

Sal: More like psycho, am I right?

Vince: ..Pretty much, short of going “Worble worble”

Vince, Brick and Billy look at Sal

Sal: I was drunk!

Brick: That’s Franks excuse! Git a new one!

Wolf : I've left my mark on you... I won't forget it. Until I kill you, you're all i'll think about….

Frank: Sounds like the Unit, right guys?

Bob: Pretty much.

Will: Quiet pussy! I’m the one to who that applies!

Phil: Yeah, but you like it!

Dean: Yeaaahhh..especially when she’s got the whips and chains, right Will?

Silence. The mercenaries look at Will.

Will: I’m too hot to tame without chains, baby!

He thrusts his hips

Karab: No….Just….my eyes..

Will: Your eyes can’t take the hotness, curry man!

Dean: He’s hot!

Bill: He’s spicy!




Silence. They turn to face the other guards, Snake and Sniper Wolf, who are staring at the mercenaries

Karab: Koooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonichiwa?


Will: No.

Wolf steps back away from Snake

Wolf: Do him.

Mercenaries: NO!!!!!!!!!

Bob: Not my type!

Dave: Say it ain’t so! SAY IT AIN’T SO!

Frank: NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Wolf: I meant knock him out!

Frank: ……….Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh………

Dave runs at Snake, holding the barrel of his assault rifle to wield it like a club, and smashes the side of the butt against Snakes face. Snake stumbles backwards, clutching his now-bloody nose


Dave: Erm, shit, he’s not out..

Frank: AGAIN!

Karab runs in and smashes Snake over the side of his temple with his shield. Snake stumbles to the side, clutching his head. Dave slams the butt of his gun up into Snakes jaw.


Will runs in and slaps Snake lightly across the cheek. Snake stands straight and stares at Will, baring his teeth and growling

Will: Daaaahhhhhh!!! Bob!

Will runs behind Bob, who looks back at Will

Bob: Easy!

Bob runs at Snake and jumps, kicking him in the face. Snake recoils and spits out a bloody tooth, blood spraying from his mouth


Lynch: For Gods sake, put your backs into it!

Wolf is leaning against a wall, rubbing her eyes in disbelief as Phil steps in, clutching the barrel of his pistol and throwing it like a boomerang. It smashes off Snakes eye and Snake steps back, clutching his eye


Maurice grabs Moe by the hem of his combat pants and hurls him at Snake. Moe flying head butts Snake in the mouth and Snake stumbles backwards, now only standing by clutching the support

Snake: I’LL DO IT MYSELF!!!!!!!

Mr. Dibbley runs forward, slapping Snakes cheeks repeatedly with his flappers


Mr. Dibbley slaps his jaw and Snake stumbles back as Mr. Dibbley does a quick feet shuffle

Mr. Dibbley: Wooooo!! Golden fists!

Snake: SHTOP!!!! THE PAIN!!!

Frank walks up to Snake and shoves a Stun Grenade in his mouth

Frank: Sorry buddy.

Snake: Mmfff fffinnffff cfffffzzzzfff?

Frank: Yes, I am crazy. Thank you.

Frank pulls the pin

Frank: Look away!

Everyone looks away and puts their fingers in their ears as the Stun Grenade detonates


They turn around and look down at Snake, who has sparks of light coming out of his ears, his mouth frothing

Snake: Grafafafafafafaffffffffff!!

His head slumps to the side, unconscious

Wolf: ….Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiicee…

Guard : Now….Take him away!

Mercenaries: Oh COME ON!

Wolf: Pay you all One-fifty?


Will: You’re gooooooooooooooood…

Wolf: I shall accompany you all…Now, lift..


Lynch: Go on, Dave and Bob.

Dave stares at Lynch and walks forward, grabbing Snakes legs, Bob walks around and grabs his arms, lifting him into a spreadeagled position

Bob: Damn, Snake! Lay off the cocoa and moose meat!

Sal rushes over and puts Snakes abdomen over his shoulder

Wolf: Now…Through here, through the commanders room, through the coridoor, into the elevator, through Nuclear Warhead Storage, across the Snowfield, and into B1 in the Tank hangar! GOT IT?!


Dean: You psycho bitch!

Wolf clicks her fingers

Wolf: Now, Gentlemen…NOW!

Lynch: Ahhyafuckinbitch..MEN! FORWARD!

Sound of muttering and cursing. Dave, Sal abnd Bob hold Snake up high, chanting in Urdu as they carry Snake through the coridoor. The mercenaries follow..

The scene opens in a small room, incredibly small for it’s purpose. To the southern left is a small, indented space, which signals that the left wall is in fact a separate room: A toilet, to be specific. Glass panels, supported by steel beams between them, are erected across the Southern Wall. Across the Northern wall, in a half-Octagon shape are a series of four computer consoles, each displaying green screens with random streams of data. Erected in the middle of the room is the raise en’detre: A steel behemoth, shaped in a circle with the corners cut straight, these corners holding large shackles embedded into the machine. Snake, bare-chested and half-unconscious klays here, as the machine is tilted back, staring up at a lare eight-bulbed halogen lamp glaring down painfully at him. Against the Southern wall is a lone computer, displaying two blue screens and several buttons, to which several thick black wires from the large, towering side of the torture rack lead: This console is the controller which Ocelot, his familiar brown dustcoat now removed revealing the two brown bullet-holsters, over a navy waistcoat, for his Colt Single Action Armys, is standing at.

Frank, Phil, Sal, Lynch and Jericho are leaning against the windows of the Southern wall, watching. Behind them in the Southern room is a room inside of it, with metal meshed-glass windows: The holding cell. To it’s East is a lone computer console, seemingly broken with an error window flickering on the screen, and a set of steel lockers erected next to that. In that small, L-shaped space outside the cell loom the rest of our mercenaries, watching through the windows. The blonde-haired, brown-trench coated form of Liquid Snake watches the rack with great interest. Wolf is standing next to the mercenaries with her arms folded, watching. Ocelot is about to press a button, until-

Liquid : Don't kill him yet. I want him alive.

Ocelot : Leave it to me.

Liquid : I want no more accidents like that DARPA Chief…

Sal: Accidents? More like..MURDER!

Dramatic music. Steve is behind the glass, playing a Synthesizer. Before Liquid can look, Dibbley slaps Steves shoulder, and he quickly wheels the Synthesizer to the side, where it disappears in a blue *pop*

Wolf : Yessssss.. He's my target….Mine alone!

Liquid walks up to the rack

Liquid : Can you hear me, Solid Snake?

Wolf : He's tougher than I thought...

Liquid: Hush..I want him to hear this..

Silence. Sound of computers humming.

Liquid : Do you know who I am? I always knew that one day I would meet you. The man who stole what was rightly mine... the man who stole my birthright. Me? I'm the man you stole everything good from. And now, after the sacrifice of our brothers... after 30 long years, finally the two of us meet. The brother of light…and the brother of dark!

Wolf : Do you need his DNA too?

Liquid : Yes! I want a sample while he's still alive…We need it to correct the Genome Soldier's mutations.

Wolf : Then we'll be able to cure them?

Liquid : No, sadly…We still have to get our hands on Big Boss's DNA.

Wolf : Have they given in to our demands yet?

Liquid : Not yet.

Wolf : They won't give in….They're all hypocrites, every one of them.

Liquid : Is that your opinion as a Kurd?

Wolf : They always put politics first...

Phil: Seconded.

Wolf: Quiet! You have no opinion, you common mooks!

They quieten.

Lynch: Bitch.

Liquid : That's right. ..That's why they want to avoid any leak about their precious new nuclear weapon…

Ocelot : Boss, it looks like our friend is awake.

The torture rack starts leaning forward, letting out a large grinding sound. As it reaches it’s normal position, with Snake almost standing against the supports, Snake is abruptly brought down somewhere to face Liquid, who is standing in front of him.

Liquid : There definitely is a resemblance. Don't you think, little brother? Or should I say…big brother?

Frank: Say it ain’t so!

Liquid: Fuck, I'm not sure who’s the big brother! Anyway, it doesn't matter. You and I are both the last surviving "sons” of Big Boss…..

Liquid's cell phone rings, he reaches into his trench coat pocket and pulls it out quickly

Liquid : It's me... Really?!! Then what?! Those idiots! All right Raven..I'll be right there!

Liquid puts it away and turns to Wolf and Ocelot

Liquid : They're not responding to our demands! We'll launch the first one in 10 hours as planned!!!

Wolf : Damn Americans!!

Ocelot : Looks like you read them wrong!


Silence. Liquid, Ocelot and Wolf turn to Steve, who has magically appeared in the room. Phil turns to Steve

Phil: Ok Steve..leave..

Steve: Why? I wanna be part of this conversation too..

Phil: later..go on..Shoo

Steve whines and trudges out of the door and into the cell room

Liquid : Something's funny... Normally the Americans are the first ones to the negotiating table. They must think they've go something up their sleeves.

Frank: Yeah! Their arms!

Silence. Steve appears again, sitting at a drum set.

Steve: Buh-dum-CHISH


Liquid: Daniels, shut the fuck up. Llarec, GET THE FUCK OUT!

Steve whines and slides backwards through the door on his stool

Ocelot : So it's come down to it, has it? We're going to launch that nuke and ride it all the way into history…

Frank: With a cowboy hat?


Ocelot: What?

Phil: Well, that scene in Dr. Strangelove, where he rides that bomb waving his cowboy hat?

Liquid : I've got to take care of some launch preparations, You're in charge here, Ocelot.

Ocelot nods and turns to Wolf

Ocelot : What about you? Wanna stay for the show?

Wolf : I'm not interested. It's time to feed the family.

Wolf reaches into her cleavage and takes out a small canister of pills

Jericho: I would’ve got that for you..

She stares at Jericho, taking a few out and swallowing them.

Ocelot : So, you prefer your wolves to my show, huh? Liquid : Ocelot, don't screw up like you did with the Chief. Ocelot : Yes, I know. That was an accident. I didn't think a pencil pusher like him would be so tough.

Liquid : Well... his mental defenses were reinforced by hypnotherapy.

Ocelot : Boss, what about that ninja? Liquid : He killed 12 men. Whoever he is, he's some kind of lunatic.

Ocelot : Bastard took my hand... How could he have gotten in here?

Liquid : Perhaps there's a spy among us...

Silence. Phil, Sal, Jericho and Frank gulp.

Liquid: …Mantis is dead.

They gulp again.

Liquid: We've also got to find out what killed Baker and Octopus…

They gulp a third time, before Lynch shakes his head

Lynch: We didn’t do THAT.

Phil: Frank killed Baker

They turn to Frank and shakes their heads disapprovingly. Franks head droops slightly

Liquid: We're shorthanded, so make this little torture show of yours as short as possible.

Ocelot : Torture? This is an interrogation!

Liquid : As you wish..

Sal: The fucks the difference, huh? HUH?!

Ocelot: If I was torturing him, it would be for information-

Phil: interrogations also for-


Liquid: Whatever, all of you, shut up. I’m going to the Underground Maintenance.

Liquid turns to Snake.

Liquid : See you later, brother...

Liquid leaves. Wolf walks up to Snake.

Wolf : Your woman is still in this world...

Snake : Meryl...

Frank: Pussy..

Wolf : Catch you later, handsome...

Wolf turns on her heels and walks out of the door, towards the elevator
Ocelot : Want to hear a story?

Snake: Tomko, gimme a beat

The huge, mammoth, tribal-tattooed, bare-chested and chiselled, bald and bearded form of Tomko appears in a flash of blue light, folding his arms

Tomko: No.

Tomko disappears in a flash of blue light. Snake winks at the mercenaries.

Snake: Answerrrrrrrrrrrrrr………

Ocelot: Well, fuck you! Once she picks a target, she doesn't think about anything else. Sometimes she even falls in live with them before she kills them!

Snake, Frank, Phil, Sal, Lynch, Jericho: Fascinating.

Ocelot: FUCK YOU! Finally, just the two of us. How are you feeling?!!

Snake : Not bad. I caught a nice nap on this revolving bed of yours. Too bad I was sleeping alone…

Ocelot : Glad to hear that. This is some bed all right. I'm about to show you some of its nicer features...

Sal: Do we wanna know?

Jericho: Yeah…he’s strapped in…and you’re going to show him some nicer features…HARK! Do you hear that?


Ocelot: WHAT?!

Jericho: That is the flowing river of thousands of yaoi fan girls drooling mindlessly!

Ocelot turns towards him, his spurs scraping the tiles

Ocelot: …WHAT?!

Snake : Fuck that, Where are my things?!

Ocelot : Just noticed you’re..half-naked?

Snake: You sick. Ass. Mother--

Ocelot: No! I didn’t strip your chiselled, soldiers body from it’s--

Frank: Too much information. WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY too much!

Ocelot: Whatever, it’s all in here with me..

Ocelot motions towards a box behind the Torture Rack, ensconced safely beneath one of the metal computer consoles against the northern wall

Ocelot: Y’know..Washington was taking quite a chance sending you here. Someone must have had a lot of faith in your skill. Huh, carrier boy?

Snake: Carrier boy? I killed Big Boss, you stupid FUCK!

Phil: He did, y’know!

Ocelot: I don’t give a shit!

Snake : Yeah, well, I also heard…from a very reliable source, that Metal Gear is armed with a new type of nuclear warhead, huh?

Ocelot: Who? The Otaku or the old fuck?

Snake: Never you mi-

Phil: The Otaku. The old fuck went all “Save the rainforest, hug a tree, they dispose of it wrongly” shit

Ocelot: So the otaku escaped?

Jericho: He went where no Otaku should go…the outside world!

Everyone shudders, including Snake

Ocelot : Yes, well, at least now you know SOME of the plans!

Snake: Huh?

Ocelot: Don’t play dumb, you moron, Why don't you go ask Campbell for the full story?

Snake and the Mercenaries: The Colonel?

Ocelot : By the way, you DID get an optical disk from President Baker, didn't you?

Snake : What if I did?

Ocelot : Is that the only disc? There's no other data?

Snake : What do you mean?

Ocelot : There's no copy? If not, that's fine…..

Snake : Well, if you want it so much, let’s haggle for it…Is Meryl okay?

Ocelot : She's not dead yet. Wolf must have been feeling generous. But if you want her to stay that way you better start answering my questions right now….You were holding one card key, so where are the other two? What's the trick behind that key!? That weasel of a president said there's some kind of trick to using the key!!!!

Snake: Whats so important about disks and a key?!

Ocelot: The disk holds the data, the key is just important!

Snake: Just important? Come on..surely you can do a good evil guy, spill-the-beans-before-you-zap-me

Ocelot turns to Lynch and Frank

Ocelot: Your boys outside?

Lynch: Yup.

Ocelot: Do they wanna see this? I’m gonna cook this fuck like fried chicken!

Snake: Bollocks.

Ocelot turns to Snake


Snake: HELL IF I KNOW!!!

Ocelot : ……I see….No problem then. We're going to play--

Silence. Phil snaps his fingers. In a flash of blue light, Tobin Bell appears, wearing a dark black velvet robe with a scarlet lining around the hood

Bell: Time to play a game, Snake…….

Tobin Bell disappears in a fizz of blue light

Ocelot: ………………..Ok…………………..What he said…BUT! When the pain becomes too great to bear….just give up and your suffering will end!

Snake: Cool!

Ocelot: But if you do, the girl's life is mine.

Snake: YOU DICK!

Ocelot: If your mercenaries are not going to watch, I want five patrolling the cell-room. An extra two in here, seven in the outside coridoor, and the rest to start making their way towards the Underground Maintenance, deal?

Lynch: We’re that far already?

Ocelot: What?

Lynch: …..Yeah, hang on

They get into a huddle and whisper amongst themselves for a moment, before turning to Ocelot, grinning


Ocelot: WELL?!?!

Snake: Take your time, guys!

Lynch inches past the mercenaries and to the door. It slides open and he looks in at our mercenary friends

Lynch: Alright guys! Papa Bears got some little forest huts for y’all to go skipping to! Dean, Karab, Vince, Bill and Brick! You guys stay there, you’re guarding the porridge!

Karab: …The fuck?

Dean: ..I think he’s lost it. Lost it BIG.

Lynch: Will and Dave, I want you two guys in here, stat!

Silence. No-one moves.

Lynch: STAT!

And still, no-one moves.

Lynch: For fucks sake..

Lynch reaches into his pocket and pulls out a candy bar. Only Dave comes running towards Lynch, who quickly raises his arm and elbows Dave into the room.


Will begrudgingly stands up, having sat in the middle of the huddle of mercenaries, and slowly walks over

Will: Cockface.

Will walks past Lynch and into the Torture Chamber


Ocelot: I’M NOT GAY!!

Will: Ahhhhhhhhh! Never brought it up! GAY!

Ocelot: FUCK OFF!

Lynch: Bob, Billy, *Beep*, Dibbley, Maurice, Robbie, Moe…You guys guard the outside coridoor, mmk?!?!?!

The room slowly empties as those crazy mercenaries trudge out in single file, looking at Snake on the Torture Rack as they pass through the room

Robbie: Kinky fuckers..


They all file out of the Level 6 security door and into the B1 coridoor outside of the room.

Lynch: And that leaves…

Lynch turns to Ivan and Steve, the only one whos will make their way to Underground Maintenance

Ivan: For vucks sake..

Lynch: Hellgenstrand..for the team, for the team. Llarec, you ok?

Steve: We will be, We will be

Ivan: Vuck your team!

Steve: …We might be, we might be

Ivan shoulders his M79 grenade launcher and stomps past Lynch, cursing in Russian as he stomps into the B1 coridoor and to the elevator. Steve looks at Lynch and nods
Steve: Saddle the insane one with the crazy one..smooth move, ex-lax
Steve rushes out through the Torture Room and to the outside coridoor, quickly sliding into the elevator before the doors fully shut and beckon Ivan and Steve to their lone journey. Lynch turns to Ocelot and gives a hesitant thumbs up. Ocelot grins and rushes over to the console, shoving Phil out of the way and pressing a handful of buttons. He then spins around on his heels, thrusting his hips towards the computer console

Ocelot: BOM CHICKA WOW WOW!!!!!!!!!!!

Ocelot slowly struts over to the console and looks down at a shining silver button, which gleams up at Ocelot

Ocelot: Ready guys?

Will: For what?

Ocelot pushes the button and holds it down. Snake screams and starts to shudder violently, the fizzing of electricity from his hands and feet bonds clearly audible to those five feet away. Snakes eyes open and shut rapidly in pain as he shudders more, but ten seconds later, Ocelot stops

Ocelot: SO?!?!?! The disks?!!?!?!!

Snake: Hssss…..grarble..

Will sniffs the air

Will: Mmmm, smells like barbecue!

Dave: C’mon! He’s rare! Cook the other side!

Ocelot: Well, he’s not relinquishing information-

Sal: You’re zapping volts up his ass! He ain’t gonna give a straight answer!

Ocelot cranks a lever on the top of the console and presses the butrton again. The hissing of electricity is much louder, and Snakes shuddering is much more violently. Thin wisps of smoke start to emit from the gaps in the shackles. Ten seconds later, Ocelot stops


Snake: Grar….grarble…..grarrssassrrrsaassrrrsasarrrr…


Ocelot: Don ‘t mind if I do?



Will: One twisted son of a--

Ocelot cranks the lever up another notch, and pushes the button. Once again, the electricity is louder, and Snakes shuddering is much more violent, his tongue pushing out from between his lips as hundreds of volts surge through his body. Eventually, as the sweat of Snake itself begins to evaporate, Ocelot switches off the dial, and Snake semi-collapses, hunching forward in the restraints, his eyes shut

Ocelot: NOW?!?!

Snake: …………………………fuck you……………………

Ocelot laughs loudly

Ocelot: Pretty tough! Pretty tough! Looks like you deserve…a five minute break!

Frank: Why?


Ocelot bears his teeth as he yells. Will wipes his face from spit.

Will: Sick motherfucker..

Ocelot punches in a series of buttons and the latches click, parting roughly and quickly. Snakes body falls forward, but before it hit’s the floor, Frank, Phil, Sal and Dave catch him


Ocelot swipes his arms towards the prison room

Ocelot: TO THE CELLS!!!!!!!

Carrying Snakes body, Frank, Phil, Sal and Dave slowly slide between Lynch, Jericho and Will, carrying his body through the door and into the prison room.

Dave: Where?

Ocelot: THE CELL!!

Dave: Okies. Who’s got the keys?

Sound of flushing.

Familiar Voice: C-coming! My damn stomach..

Dave: NOOO!!!


A guard exit’s the Torture Chamber bathroom, Ocelots nose wrinkles

Ocelot: Smells like you ate a rotten dog covered in hairy shit, you sick fuck!

Guard: S-sorry sir!

The guard walks into the room, giving the mercenaries a strange look

Guard: You guys!

Phil: J-Johnny?

Johhny: Hey…you guys remembered!

He reaches onto his belt and unhooks a ring of keys, unlocking the door and sliding it to the left. Dave and Frank swing the body left and right.
Frank and Dave: One! Two! THREE!

On three, they let go, and Snake flies through the air and onto the lone, flimsy mattress situated on a wire frame. Johnny quickly slides the door shut and looks at, slipping the keys back onto his belt.

Frank: That was quick of you..

Johnny: W-well..the boss left something in there to make him talk..

Phil sniffs the air

Phil: You shit a rotting corpse?

Johnny: Well, of course no--MY STOMACH! BE RIGHT BACK, GUYS!!

Johnny clutches his stomach, which gurgles violently, before he runs through the door, into the Torture Chamber and into the bathroom. Phil falls to his knees, clutching his head


The scene fades.

Snake has survived the first round of torture, but is on the last legs, with Meryls life in the balance! Our mercenaries must act first in order to save him! Can they spring him for jail without being seen? Can they save Meryl? Can they make it to the Underground Storage themselves? And can they avoid the shit-stink of Johnny?! Join us next time, and see The Thing That Should Not Be, The cameo appearance that will tighten trousers, A Russian Gunship, and Greetings From Asbury Park!

Sunday, 8 November 2009

Chapter VI - Brothers Versus Brothers

The scene opens to the empty coridoor in B1.

Literally nothing is moving.

All of a sudden, through the southernmost door leading into the Main Storage, Jericho is thrown straight through the metal door by Brick and Billy. Billy slowly and robotically marches forward

Billy: Target, Englishman. Orders, KILLIMINATE!

Jericho quickly grabs his FAMAS rifle from his back and gets tangled in the belt that’s tying it to his body


Billy walks over and grabs the Assault Rifle, breaking it in half over his knee

Jericho: You fucking cunt! That comes out of MY paycheck!

Billy: Stand still and this will be painless.

Jericho: LIKE FUCK!

Jericho punches Billy in the side of his head. Billys head snaps to the side, but he turns to face Jericho

Billy: Not a scratch. Orders, KILLIMINATE!!!

Jericho runs forward and tackles Billy by his stomach, only for Billy to grab Jericho around his gut, lift him into the air and throw him up. Jericho hits the ceiling and collapses down to the floor in a sprawl

Jericho: FUCKING HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From out of nowhere, Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin appear, tackling Billy down to the ground and holding him. Billy struggles violently, and they push him towards the wooden crates. Phil appears behind them, brushing himself off

Shelley: You ok, Phil?

Phil: Yeah! Steve didn’t check the vents, the stupid piece of—

Phil screams as he’s tripped up, Steves hand having appeared from the vents and dragging him back in. Phil digs his nail into the tiles, but Steve keeps dragging, making Phil leave claw marks

Phil: I wish I bought Drebins Health Insurance!!!!!!!!

Phil is dragged into the vents, followed by the sounds of crashing and clanging. Sabin quickly stands up, stomping on Billys head and picking up the top wooden crate

SabIN: Hold him, Shelley!


Jericho: When Snake defeats Mantis!

=In the Commanders Room=

Snake is busy staring at Psycho Mantis.


Mantis: Liar! I never blinked!

Mantis throws his right arm forward, hurling several paintings towards Snake, who screams and dives to the floor dramatically, smashing his arms off the tiles


Mantis: You mean..THIS?!?!

Snakes SOCOM is dangling in front of his face. He swings the SOCOM to the right, and Snake follows it to the right. He swings the SOCOM to the left, and Snake follows. Mantis sniggers and swings it at the wall. Snake runs after it and runs headfirst into the wall

Snake: Ouch.

=Back Outside=

Sabin drops the crate on Billys head. The crate smashes and Billy sits up.

Billy: New orders: Kill Christopher Sabin. Target locked. BILLY SMASH!!

Sabin screams as Billy kicks Shelley off his feet. Sabin backs away past the crate and womens bathroom, only to hit a wall


Will jumps out from the womens bathroom in a Praying Mantis stance

Will: SUSHI!!!!!

Sabin: Help! I need REAL help!


Sabin: That’s not racist at all.

Billy charges at Will, only for Will to jump up, swinging his foot out a few inches in front of him, barely sending a breeze at Billy


Silence. Billy flexes his biceps at Will.


Will: Get a tic-tac! Your breath could curdle milk goddammit!

Billy: KILL!

Lemmy appears behind Billy with a lit cigarette and stubs it on his neck.

Lemmy: HAHA!

Billy wipes the back of his neck, looks at the ash in his palm and turns around Lemmy

Billy: KILLIM—

Lemmy swings his foot up as hard as he can and kicks Billy right in the testicles. Billys eyes widen and he collapses to his knees

Billy: MY BALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE KICKED MY BALLS!!!!!!!!!!!

Lemmy: And the face.

Lemmy swings his foot out and kicks Billy in the side of the head, Billy collapses to the side, unconscious as Lemmy lights another cigarette

Lemmy: And boom goes the dynamite.

He puts the cigarette into his mouth

Will: Strange man! Behind you!

Bills shadow falls over Lemmy.

Lemmy: Yeah, yeah..

Jericho, who is now back on his feet, leaps at Bill, wrapping his arms around his neck and throwing him to the floor. Jericho keeps him pinned, strangling him as hard as he can

Jericho: I’M GONNA POP HIM!!!!!!!!!!!

Johnny Cash stands over them, raising his guitar high and smashing it over both their heads

Lemmy: Jeez Cash! Jerichos a good guy!

Cash: Fuck that! I just wanna hurt people!

The room into the Storage and Offices is ripped off its hinges as Brick stomps out. Cash quickly wields his guitar. Only for a guard to jump on Cash’s back. Behind Brick, we watch as Ivan lights a stick of dynamite and looks around


Karabs head slowly pops up from the window of the southern-most office cubicle

Karab: Fear me.

Ivan throws the stick of dynamite into Karabs office through the small gap between the ceiling and the cubicle. Karab catches it between his teeth and spits it into his hand.

Ivan: Oh fuck.

Karab gets ready to throw it, but Vince runs past the cubicle and punches the window. The window fails to smash and Vince clutches his hand

Vince: SCHEISSE!!!!!!!!!!!

A random guard appears and tackles Vince by his legs. Karab looks down

Karab: Kill. Threat.

Karabs punches straight through the glass, shredding his entire forearm and causing blood to flow down the glass.

Karab: .....Bad idea.

Vince: I’ll say!

Vince throws the guard off of him and grabs Karabs bloodied arm

Karab: Cease and desist villain!

Vince licks his lips and parts his lips, biting into Karabs bloody arm. Karab screams loudly.


Vince lets go, spitting out blood onto the blue carpet

Vince: Tastes like chicken!

Sammy Davis Jr. Appears behind Karab and taps his shoulder. Karab manages to twist his body to face him

Karab: .....Yes?

Sammy: Say cheese.

He swings a fist into his temple and knocks him out. Karab slowly slumps down to his knees, his arm still bleeding and stuck in the broken glass.

Vince: Uhh..Sammy..I think he needs medical help

Sammy: Fuck are you asking me for? I’m only here to hurt people.

Sammy slides open the glass door of the cubicle and looks down at the guard who jumped on Vince before stomping on his nuts


The guards head leans up, and Sammy kicks it back down with a swift crack.

Sammy: Ahhhhhh...

Sammy whistles to himself and walks through the doorway, which is disguised and hidden by a thick wave of CO2 smoke from the broken hydraulics. Ivan is busy fixing something by the doorway.

Vince: Yo! Little help!

Ivan looks over at Vince

Ivan: Vhy?

Vince: Team-mate down, perhaps?

Ivan: Ahhhh..

Ivan jogs over and grabs Karab arm. Vince sidles into the cubicle and wraps his arms around Karabs torso

Vince: If anyone asks we found him like this!

A random guard enters, pointing his assault rifle at them

Guard 3: NUH-UH!!!!

Ivan: Ah vuck.

Silence. Sound of crashing outside. Sound of a clicking in the room. The guard looks down between his legs where Moe is, pointing his Desert Eagle at the guards crotch.

Moe: Want kids?

Guard 3: I’ll surrender!

Maurice runs out from the left side cubicle and slams into the guard, sending him flying across the room and throw one of the glass doors

Moe: Cheers Wor Maur!

Maurice: No problem little lad! Any of ya guys seen Frank around?

Ivan shakes his head

Maurice: What happened to Karab?


Vince: He was like this when we got here.

Maurice: Whatever.


A guard sneaks up behind Maurice, only for Maurice to turn around and headbutt him, decapitating him instantly. Maurice wipes his face free from blood

Maurice: And thats how the pros do it!

Frank appears behind Moe, on his stomach. He quickly gets to his feet, looking around

Maurice: Yo! Frank! Everything alright?

They all watch as a guard runs into the room, only for Michael Bisping to run in, decapitate him with a punch, and right out

Frank: Never been better. Lynch is fucking biting my ankles, and I am outta here!

Vince: Running?


Frank: Bye.

Frank runs through the CO2 cloud, and Bob slowly walks in

Bob: ...Anyone seen Bill?

Moe: Nope.

Bob: .....Ok

Daves voice: BOB! BEHIND YOU!

Bob turns around and Bill appears through the smoke


Bob: Heyyyyy...Bill!


Bill grabs Bob by his collar and lifts him up. Moe runs forward and headbutss Bill in the crotch, but he stumbles back


Ahmed Johnson runs through the Storage Room and through the thick covering of CO2 hissing down from the door, jumping onto a crowd of guards. Past him wanders a random guard on fire, being chased by Lemmy with a can of Lynx and a Zippo lighter. Dean now enters the Male bathroom, walking slowly

Dean: Fraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaankkkkkkkkkkkkkkk..................Fraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk..........


Dean: I know you’re in here, Frank...

Dean walks up to the first steel toilet cubicle and kicks the door open. Nothing but a white porcelain toilet, steel toilet roll holder and an empty toilet roll tube

Dean: Stop hiding, Frank...

The door to the bathroom opens and Sal runs in, breathing heavily. Dean turns around and grins

Dean: Hellooooooooooo...............SAL!

Sal: Holy fucking crap!!

Sal turns around and Mr. Dibbley is standing in the doorway, flapping his flippers


Sal raises an eyebrow

Sal: Say what?

Dean starts to walk towards Sal, who turns around to him. Dibbley slowly waddles towards Sal.

Sal: I only came for a piss, guys!

Dean: Kill the insane man. Kill the insane man.

Random Voice: No chance, brother!

The door to the end cubicle of the toilets is blasted off its hinges by a shotgun blast, and a random person walks out, his hair is medium-length, slightly curly, and a chestnut brown. His face is stern, his eyes brown and large, giving him a somewhat childish appearance, wearing a white t-shirt, jeans and black boots stands the form of Samuel Chevrolet, staring at his brother Dean

Dean: Sammy..........

Sam: Dean. I’ve been waiting for this moment for a looooooooooooooooooooong time........

Sal: Uhhh...yeah, I’ll leave

Sal turns around and is nose-to-nose....well, nose-to-beak, with Mr. Dibbley, Sals eyes widen and he lets out a quiet scream

Sal: Mercy?


Sal quickly puts on a determined face


Mr. Dibbley: Nuh-uh

Phil runs into the bathroom.

Sal: PHIL!!!!

Mr. Dibbley turns around to see Phil.

Phil: I come for a shit and this is what I get?!

He stands on his tiptoes and looks over Deans shoulders at Sam before looking at Sal

Phil: Who’s he?

Sam: Hi. I’m Sam..Samuel Chevrolet, but my friends call me Sam.

Phil: Sam..Chevrolet? As in, Deans your brother?

Sam: Yup.

Phil: Sam and Dean-Never mind—

Mr Dibbley rushes forwards, locking his flippers around Phils throat. Phil chokes


Sal looks around

Sal: WHAT DO I DO?!?!

Phil: KNOCK HIM OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sal looks around

Sal: WITH WHAT?!?!?!

Dean shoots forward and grabs Sams shotgun, butting him asway with his elbow and snapping it over his knee

Sam: Dammit Dean!

Mr. Dibbley shoves Phil against the steel urinal and turns him around, grabbing his head and pushing iot down. Phil resists, placing both his arms on the Urinal

Phil: OH MY GOD!!! DON’T!!! NOT THIS WAY!!!!!!!!

Jericho enters the room wielding a metal handdryer and smashes it over Mr. Dibbleys head. Mr. Dibbley lets go of Phil and staggers back. Dean and Sam are busy wrestling with their hands around eachothers throats, and Sal is watching and looking between Sam and Phil and Jericho, unsure of who to help. Jericho smashes Dibbley over the head again and he staggers against the wall. Jericho rushes at Mr. Dibbley, Handdrier held out, but Dibbley ducks under and Jericho crushes his right hand

Jericho: FUCKING JESUS AND MARY!!!!!!!!!

Jericho drops the handdrier and hides his hand inside his trenchcoat, running on the spot in pain, Dibbley gets to his feet, staring at Jericho

Dibbley: CA-CAW GUVNA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From nowhere, the door of the Male bathroom is torn off its hinges and Ken Shamrock runs into the room, smashing Mr. Dibbley with it. Mr. Dibbley slides across the floor, unconscious, and Shamrock drops the door

Shamrock: Come on, guys! It’s anarchy out here!

Phil, Jericho, Sal and...Sam, run out of the door with Shamrock. They all look around. They watch as a flash of blue light appears and a skinny, bald person appears with a bare chest, flexing.

Person: I’MMA DAVID DRAIHMAN!!!!!!!!

Sam: What is this?

Phil: MADNESS!!!


Phil: This is dangerous.

Ivan crawls out from a vent and appears behind David Draihman, lighting his zippo and holding it to his jeans..


Draihman runs away, flailing his arms and screaming.

Sal: Crazy shi—

From the northern coridoor to the Commanders room appears Steve, who charges at Phil and punches him violently in the jaw. Both of them collapse against the wall, with Steve throttling Phil

Steve: KILL!!!


From the bathroom, Mr. Dibbley appears and grabs Sals shoulders.

Sal: Momma.

Sal turns around and backs away as Mr. Dibbley advances slowly. From the bathroom appears Dean, who grabs Sam and drags him in


Sal: C’mon Snake..

A random figure stands up behind Mr. Dibbley, wearing a red bandana over black dreadlocks, the standard khaki uniform and black combat vests of the Tank Building guards, and a pair of sunglasses. The figure quickly takes off his sunglasses.

Figure: Time to....kill!


Mr. Dibbley turns around

Figure: ...Goddammit, I totally wasn’t expecting the CSI: Miami reference.

Sal: *BEEP*! HELP!

Mr. Dibbley swipes a flipper at That Other Random Guy, only for him to duck under it and stand, placing Mr. Dibbleys flipper over his shoulder

That Other Random Guy: Boom-boom!

That Other Random Guy pulls down violently on the flipper, a cracking noise filling the air. Mr. Dibbley squawks in pain as Sal runs forward, punching Dibbleys kidneys. The door to the womens bathroom opens and Sam army crawls out, standing to the left of the door

Sam: C’mon...C’mon..

A guard sneaks up to Sam, gun raised. Frank Sinatra grabs the guard with his microphone guard and decapitates him. Sam turns to face him.

Sam: Sinatra?

Sinatra: Don’t mention it.

Frank turns around and grabs another guard, punching him repeatedly. Several tiles of the ceiling collapse and a dead guard falls down, followed by Robbie who dusts his German uniform free from plaster.

Robbie: You didn’t see anything.

Dean slowly sidles out of the bathroom and Sam quuickl turns, wielding his sawn-off like a bat and smashing Dean over the head.

Dean: .....Ouch

Dean collapses backwards into the womens bathroom and Sam slides down the wall, feeling victorious

Sam: I DID IT!!

Brick walks through the thick CO2 cloud and looks down at Sam

Brick: New target deduced. Status: ELIMINATE.

Will quickly runs out of the womens bathroom

Will: Hey guys! Guess what I—

Brick turns around, swinging his foot upwards roughly and kicking Will in the testicles. Wills eyes widen and he falls to his knees, gasping for air


Mr. Moneypennies: Pwned, son.

Phil quickly headbutts Steve off of him and Dave appears from the northern coridoor of the Commanders Room, grabbing Steve and holding him


Phil goes for a kidney punch, but Steve dives to the side and Phil hits Dave.



Sal: I fucking hope Snake wins soon!

Bobs Voice from the Vents: Where the fuck is Frank? He’s not in these vents—OH SHIT! BILL! GET THE FUCK OFF ME!


Robbie runs to one of the vents and tosses a flashbang in. It explodes with a piercing screech.


Robbie: Fuck.

Behind him, Billy grabs Robbie around the neck and locks him in a headlock...

=Nuclear Warhead Storage=

We see the elevators doors open and Lynch slowly walks out onto the catwalk, looking across the cavernous warehouse, failing to see Frank, who is sitting behind an unarmed nuclear warhead

Lynch: You can run Frank.....but you can’t hide.............

Frank: yes I ca—Oh fuck.

Lynch: Big mistake.

Frank: I know...I know..

Frank stands up and turns to face Lynch, tossing his rifle to the side

Frank: Fight like a man, Lynch!

Lynch: Rules are for pussies.


Frank: I just totally fucked it up there.

Lynch climbs over the railings and jumps down, looking up at Frank

Lynch: Gimme..your best shot.

Frank walks forward, fists clenched

Frank: Easy

Frank punches Lynch in the side of the temple as hard as he can. The sound of cracking. Lynch simply turns his head back to Frank, who is now dancing around, waving his hand


Lynch grabs Frank by his neck and reaches into his holster on his belt, pulling out his Colt. 45 and pointing it at the bridge of Franks nose

Lynch: Goodnight, Frank

Frank shuts his eyes tightly beneath Lynchs grip. Just as Lynch is about to pull the trigger, he stops. His face goes blank for a few seconds, before he looks down at Frank.

Lynch: I take it I have a good reason as to why i’m choking you.

Frank gulps beneath Lynchs chokehold

Frank: You....were.....brainwashed?

Lynch looks at Frank

Frank: ...t-true..

Lynchs grip slowly weakens and Frank slowly releases himself from Lynchs choke

Lynch: You’re alright, Daniels

Frank: W-we should if the others are fine..Snake finally got him!

Wrong. We cut to the Commanders Room, where Chuck Norris has now appeared. The room is filled with a white cloud-like fog, accompanied with the sounds of harps.


Norris: That’s right.

Snake: ...Dude, the fuck?

Mantis: GRAHHHHH!!!

Norris: I really don’t like having my poker nights interrupted by a gimp.

Mantis: I AM NOT A GIMP!!!

Norris: Are you saying i’m wrong? Chuck Norris is never wrong. Others are not right.


Chuck walks up to Mantis and gives him a relatively light-looking backhand slap. Mantis spins in the air 50 times and collapses to the floor, blood leaking out of his suit.

Norris: Keep. The pimphand.

Snake and Norris: STRONG!

Norris, the clouds and harp music disappears in a bright flash of golden light

Steve quickly shakes his head as Dave and Phil advance on him

Steve: Phil! It’s me!

Phil: ...Steve?

Steve: Steven Llarec!

Phil: BRO!

Phil rushes forward and hugs Steve tightly. Steve stands there, bewildered, until Phil lets go

Phil: Thank fuck!

Dean crawls out from the mens bathroom and turns to Sam

Dean: ...I’m in fucking hell..

Sam: Don’t get us started on that one, brother.

Bob and Bill crawl out from the vent.

Bill: Sorry

Bob: I said “Okl”

Bill: ..Sorry!

Bob: It’s ok!

Bill: Sorry..

Brick has already put Robbie down

Brick: Sorry little dude.

Brick: No problem..

Mr. Dibbley: I say chaps..I feel awfully lighthea---Sal? You ok?

Sal satres at Mr. Dibbley

Sal: Penguin mans back..

He runs at him and hugs Mr. Dibbley tightly as Vince, Maurice, Ivan and Moe carry Karab out from the room. Johnny Cash smashes his final guitar over a guards head and turns to the mercenaries, dusting off his black coat

Cash: Later guys..

Cash disappears in a flash of blue light

=Nuclear Warhead Storage=

Lynch turns around, sliding his pistol back into his holster and grabbing his FAMAS from the floor

Lynch: Come on, slapnuts!

Frank: Y-yes sir.

Frank gives a small salute and picks up his rifle, strapping it to his back as they walk up the stairs.


Out in the main coridoor, the mercenaries have gathered, the brainwashed mercenaries having been unbrainwashed. Phil is sitting against a wall with an ice-pack against his head, staring at Steve

Steve: Sorry! I said sorry!

Phil: You HIT me!!!

Steve: Brainwash! Hello?!?!

Moe and Maurice are busy winding bandages around Billys head as he lays down on the floor, hands over face. Jericho kneels beside him, cracking his jaw back into place.

Billy: Soz Jerry..

Jericho: No problem..No problem

Jericho pats him on the shoulder. Dean is busy winding a bandage around Karabs forearm as he sits on the last wooden box. That Other Random Guy is also busy massaging Mr. Dibbleys arm...uh, flipper

That Other Random Guy: No hard feelings, eh?

Mr. Dibbley: You broke my bleedin’ arm.

Will walks out from the womens bathroom, ice-pack over crotch

Will: I-i’m fine...I think I swallowed a testicle...

Brick: Sorry dude..

Will: ....Yeah..

Mr. Dibbley: Sal, is everything alright?

Sal walks past with bandages around his lower lip

Sal: I’f finef.

The elevator doors beep and slide open. Frank and Lynch stand there.

Lynch: WAS bad..

Sal: yourf teffing ufs..

Lynch: Speak English, Sal

Sal: Fuffface..

Dean: We all ready?

Mercenaries: No.

Lynch: You really all are..Come on

The mercenaries, still nursing their various injuries, slowly get to their feet

Mr. Dibbley: I can’t exactly hold a weapon.

Lynch: Gotcha...Who broke it?

Mr. Dibbley: *BEEP* did, that son of a—

Lynch: *BEEP*, finally showed up? Good, you can guard the penguin!

That Other Random Guy: Fuck off!

Mr. Dibbley laughs. Brick laughs and coughs up a tooth, spitting it to the floor.

Bill: Oh, sick!

Brick: 35 more to go!

Lynch: Ok...COME OOOON!!!!

Lynch lets out a warcry and runs through the northern coridoor, through the door and into the commanders room.

Frank: ...We should all probably follow.

The mercenaries begrudgingly shoulder their weapons and follow Frank through the northern coridoor. Eventually, they reach the commanders room, which is still the same aside from paintings on opposite walls, the marbles busts are smashed into pieces, and Mantis is lying on the gold and red Persian Rug in front of the desk, bleeding heavily. Snake and Meryl are standing around him.

Mantis: To.....get to Metal Gear's underground maintenance base... you have to go through that hidden door.....There's a hidden door behind the....bookcase....The overland route... it's blocked by frozen glaciers......Go past the communications towers, then use the tower's walkway.

Snake kneels beside Mantis

Snake: Why are you telling me this?

Mantis: I can read people's minds. In my lifetime I have read the pasts, presents, and futures of thousands upon thousands of men and women.....

Snake takes off Mantis's mask, revealing an almost skeletal face: The skin taut and thin. The eyes large and slit-like covered in large bags, the mouth and lips tinged a dark blue, his ears tightened, almost formed into his head. Meryl grabs her mouth, horrified.

Meryl: Oh... gross...

Mantis: And each mind that I peered into was stuffed with the same single object of obsession. That selfish and atavistic desire to pass on one's seed... it was enough to make me sick.....

On cue, the mercenaries all look at Will, clutching the ice-pack over his crotch

Will: Yeah yeah..

Mantis: Every living thing on this planet exists to mindlessly pass on their DNA....We're designed that way.....And that's why there is war....

Steve: Not necessarily. War is fought for a lot of different reasons.

Mantis: Including the instinct to survive..and gain money..and to defeat enemies..

Mantis: All with the sole purpose for the winner to continue living better off.

Steve opens his mouth, but Lynch shakes his head

Mantis: I admit...You... you’re all different... You're all the same as us....We have no past, no future.......We live in the moment. That's our only purpose. Humans weren't designed to bring eachother happiness. From the moment we're thrown into this world, we're fated to bring each other nothing but pain and misery. The first person who's mind I dove into was my father's. I saw nothing but disgust and hatred for me in his heart......My mother died in childbirth... and he despised me for it... I thought my father was going to kill me....That's when my future disappeared....I lost my past as well. When I came to, the village was engulfed in flames...

Snake: Are you saying you burned your village down to bury your past?

Lynch: Jesus Christ..

Mantis: I see that you have suffered the same trauma.

Mantis laughs feebly

Mantis: We are truly the same, you and I... The world is a moreinteresting place with people like you in it... ..I never agreed with the Boss's revolution.........His dreams of world conquest do not interest me.....I just wanted an excuse to kill as many people as I could!!!

Meryl gasps and staggers back. Strangely, the mercenaries simply keep watching. Dave even gives a small shrug of agreement.

Meryl: You monster!

Snake: Let him talk. He doesn't have much time left.

Mantis: I've seen true evil. You Snake.....You're just like the Boss... No, you're worse. Compared to you, I'm not so bad!

Jericho: Ha. Snake didn’t need an excuse to go around killing people.

Mantis: Then WHY did he?

Jericho: It’s his job. He’s doing his job.

Mantis: ...What about the rest of you?

Phil: We kill for money. We’re the ones like you Mantis. We kill to survive. No other reason.

Mantis: I killed to survive...but we are nothing alike..I have a semblance of dignity...I need no brothers to rely my life upon...Mr. Daniels..get those perverted thoughts of Screaming Mantis out of your mind, they sicken me

Snake: Screaming...Mantis?!

Mercenaries: Ssssshhhhhhhh!!

Mantis simply lolls his head to the side, looking at Meryl.

Mantis: ...I read her mind as well.

Snake: Meryl's?

Mantis: I saw you there... you have a large place in heart.

Meryl places a hand on Snake's shoulder

Snake: A large place?

Mantis: Yes. A large place.....But I do not know if your futures lie together.....

The mercenaries all glance at eachother knowingly.

Lynch: Don’t give the game away, fuckheads.

The mercenaries snigger

Mantis: I have a last request....

Snake: What is it?

Mantis: My mask... put it back on.

Snake: .....Okay.

Snake leans besides Mantis’s body and grasps his leather-like gas mask, but hesitates to put it back on while Mantis is talking, simply holding it over his face

Mantis: Like this... other people's thoughts force their way into my mind.....Before I die... I want to be by myself. I want to be left alone in my own world....

Snake places the mask on Mantis' face and secures it with the straps around the back of his head

Mantis: I'll open the door for you.

Mantis reaches out a hand and moves it to the side so that the bookshelf blocking the metal door moves out of the way via his psychokinesis

Mantis: If you want to.....find your future....go through that door..................This is the first time I've ever used my....power someone........It's strange... it feels... kind of... nice.

Mantis finally lets out a final breath and his head lolls to one side. The mercenaries simply watch. Snake pauses for a moment and then stands up.

Snake: Let's go, Meryl.

Meryl: I'm sorry...

Snake: Meryl?

Meryl: How could I let Mantis control my mind like that...

Snake: If you're going to doubt yourself, I'll leave you here.

Lynch: Nice words, hero

Snake: I need no baggage, dammit!

Meryl: You're right.

Snake: Look, Meryl...Never doubt yourself. Just let it make you stronger. Learn something from this experience. Not everyone can stand up to mind control.

Meryl: You're right. I'm sorry. I won't do it again.

Snake turns to leave.

Meryl: Snake, can I ask you something?

Snake: What!?

Meryl: About what Mantis said... I was just wondering...

Snake: What? What's the problem now?

Meryl: Oh no... nothing. So tell me, Snake. What's your name? Your real name?

Jericho: Steve!

Steve: Jim-bob!

Lynch: Wankface!

Snake: Fuck you! A name means nothing on the battlefield!

Meryl: How old are you?

Snake: OLd enough to know what death looks like.

Lynch: Emo..

Meryl: Any family?

Snake: No, but I was raised by many people.

Dave: Bigger emo..

Meryl: Is there anyone you like?

Snake: I've never been interested in anyone else's life...

Steve: Aaaaand hyper emo!

Meryl: So you are all alone. Just like Mantis said.

Snake: Other people just complicate my life. I don't like to get involved.

Meryl: You're a sad, lonely man.

Snake: C'mon... let's go.

Snake and Meryl head out the hidden door. The mercenaries simply watch.

Frank: You know, we may kill for money. We may be hired guns, but i’m glad we actually give a crap about eachother


Will: Sad to say, rummys right. I mean, without the company, would we survive 10 minutes on a battlefield?

Robbie: I would. Dave would. But I digress..You’re right

Frank: And at least we can go home at the end of this and have a pint, right?

Bob: Yeah, and everyone else buys the rounds for Frank

Frank: It’s a syst—

Jericho: Bullshit. I’ll buy everyone else a pint when we’re back in our underwear, and unlike this mook

Jericho taps the dead body of Mantis with his foot

Jericho: We’ll live to tell the tales

Ivan: Uhh..Jevicho..

Jericho: What?

Vince: You DO realize this is the same guy who mind-controls Screaming Mantis into mind-controlling the other Beauty and Beasts, right?

Jericho: .......I knew that

Bill: Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure.


Brick: How does he do that? He’s dead.

Silence. The mercenaries look at eachother.

Mercenaries: Ahh no.

Lynch: So WE have to implant him with the nanomachines?

Frank: No! His personality is implanted upon Mantis! By BRAINWASHING!

Lynch: AND nanomachines!

Frank: Brainwashing!

Lynch: Nanomachines!

Mantis: Both.

Silence. The mercenaries all look at eachother, turning pale. They look down at Mantis’s body: It’s dead. Stone cold dead. Lying incredibly still.

Mr. Dibbley: I fucking swear it talked, chaps.

Mantis: Look up.

The mercenaries keep staring at the body.

Mantis: UP! LOOK UP!

Phil: I don’t want to. I know what’s coming.

They all look up and scream wildly.

Mantis: To your right.

The mercenaries all shake their heads and mutter amongst themselves.

Frank: Ok lads..take two..

They all look to the top-right corner and scream loudly. Hovering there is Mantis, dressed the same, except extremely transparent. Mantis widens his arms and throws his head back, cackling loudly. The mercenaries suddenly stop screaming.

Dean: Good enough?

Lynch: Yup.

Mantis: Not scared?

Mercenaries: Nope.

Mantis: Are you all idiots?

Mercenaries: Yup.

Mantis@ Just you wait….FRANK!!!

Dramatic music. Everyone turns to Steve.

Steve: What?


Dave: How ‘bout I come up there and whip yo ass!

Mantis: I’m dead, you fucking idiot!

Phil pulls out rock salt

Phil: The power of Christ compels you, you cocksucker!

Dean pulls out some holy water

Dean: YEAH!

Mantis simply watches.

Mantis: ….Yeah, see you stupid fuckers in a few years……..AHAHAHA—

Lynch: Just leave, gimp!

Mantis: Fuck your mother.

Mantis disappears in a bright flash of blue light. The mercenaries simply stand there.

Karab: Yeah. That wasn’t awkward at all.

Phil: So…….Soldier on?

Lynch: Soldier on we shall.

Dean: And we shall soldier on.

Frank: I am getting a pint when we get home, right?

Phil: Foggsy not buying Franks pint

Jericho: Foggy not me

Lynch: I ain’t!

Frank: Come on guys!

Phil: Styop bumming money off us for alcohol!

Will: Careful, he’d BUM you for alcohol.

Mr. Dibbley: Nasty!

Frank: Guys! We lost Snake!

Dean: No we didn’t, silly! He’s through that door!

Sound of gunshots

Frank: Oh-oh God.

Lynch: MOVE!!!

The mercenaries quickly grasp their assault rifles and let out a massive warcry, charging forward.

Music: Bodies fill the fields I see, hungry heroes end
No one to play soldier now, no one to pretend
Running blind through killing fields, bred to kill them all
Victim of what said should be
A servant `til I fall

They run forward through the sliding door. The sides of this room are a sign that the room itself is actually carved into frozen glaciers and solid, gray rock. The stench, resembling that of wet dog mixed with mould, escapes once the door is open. The mercenaries put their hands over their noses and charge down the slatted metal steps and forward to the far, sliding gunmetal-grey door

Sal: Ifs awffful!!!

Phil: It smells like Frank!

Will: I can taste it! GOD HELP US!

Dean: I can see bright spots in front of my eyes!

Billy: Come on lads....I see the light!



Music: Soldier boy, made of clay
Now an empty shell
Twenty one, only son
but he served us well
Bred to kill, not to care
Do just as we say
Finished here, Greeting Death
He's yours to take away

They barrage through the door. Ahead of them is the proof that they are in a glacier cave: Solid gray rock is ahead of them, covered in pale white snow. The covering is solid, and Ivan runs forward.

Lynch: BLOW IT!

The music stops as suddenly as it starts

Ivan: I blow it, it all comes down...

Lynch: All?

Phil: As in the cavern.

Bob: With us in it.

Frank: Ivan, is there a passage?

Ivan looks down, at a small gap in the bottom of the rock

Ivan: Crawling, yes

Silence. Everyone turns to Maurice.

Moe: Soz Wor Maur..

Maurice: I take blame, lads.

Frank: No! Come on! There’s gotta be a way we can got Wor Maur through!

Will: Lose. Weight.

Maurice: Suck. A cock.

Lynch walks around for a short while, stroking the stubble on his chin. He quickly points his finger to the air, a lightbulb lighting above his head.

Sal: Ooooo..

Sal leans out to touch the lightbulb, but Vince slaps his hand. Sal whines.

Lynch: Can we widen the gap upwards?

Ivan: …Vell, yes, just not too much..

Lynch turns to Will

Lynch: You thrust your hips a lot, right?

Will; 1000 times a second!

Lynch: Good.

Lynch nods to Karab, who pulls off his metal body shield from his back.

Lynch: Steve. Duct-tape.

Steve throws a roll of duct-tape at Lynch.

Will: uhhh..the fuck is this?

Lynch: Strap the shield to your hips. You lay down. Thrust upwards. Carve a large hole. NOW!

Will: ….Sweeet. Finally! The pro teaches the amateurs!

Karab places the shield, front-plate first over Wills crotch. Lynch attaches some duct-tape to it and walks around Will a few times, taping it over his crotch. Will lays on his back and slowly slides on his hips across the rocky floor, aligning his hips with the gap

Lynch: Now!

The mercenaries blink several times, a noise reminiscent to a pneumatic drill filling the air, showering them with a thick, rocky dust, and specks of dust and pebbles. After their 5th blink, they watch as Will stands up, tearing the shield off his pants

Will: TADA!!

The hole is at least 7 feet tall.

Steve: What the-Ho—

Will: No! A good magician never shares his secrets! Now! Let me turn around and confirm our safety!

Will grins and turns around, before spinning on his heels to face the mercenaries

Will: We have white wolves.

Frank: Yeah right..Come on, Snake needs our help.

Silence. A small baby white wolf pup walks under Wills legs and to Billy, sniffing his leg

Billy: Shoo.

The wolf pup yips cutely

Billy: NO.

The pup simply cocks its leg and pisses on Billys shoe, giving a small wheezing snigger. Billys mouth opens agape


The pup quickly runs off, and Billy steps forward, only for Ivan and Robbie to grab his arms

Ivan: No! Billy! Stop!

Lynch: Men. Forward. Destiny awaits.

Billy kicks the floor, sending up a shower of snow. The mercenaries all shoulder and clutch their weapons with an echoing click

Mercenaries: OO RAH!!!!!!!!

Silence. Sound of pattering feet. Snake appears in front of them, his hands covered in blood. He stares at the mercenaries.

Snake: S-sniper rifle..I-I need a P-P-PSG1..M-Meryl down..

Sal: Lafe agaif?

Mr. Dibbley: Appears so…

Frank: ….Fuck.

Steve: Well?

Frank: Well what?

Phil: Game on, I say!

Lynch: Oh yeah, who knows whats ahead?

Billy: That’s the fun of it..

Lynch nods at Billy and they watch as several wolves are now gathering at the front of this new passage, staring at their legs with floating lovehearts above them. The mercenaries all turn pale.

Phil: ….Oh fucking shit.

Will: Looks…like our legs are gonnna get some action…

Lynch: Men…..Onward…I guess.

Lynchs foot steps forward, crunching the snow. A split-screen appears, showing a wolfs paw step forward. Silence. Cut to black.


Sound of rapid panting and Billy running

Billys Voice: FUCK FUCK FUCK!

PhilS Voice: That’s what it’s doing—FUCK!


Sound of feet pattering across snow, followed by the growls and empassioned pants of wolves as the scene finally cuts.

Coming Soon: Part VII!
As our mercenaries get past the blood and brainwashing, they now face the horrifying fact that they might not be able to save the future after all! With Meryl down and wolves horny for mercenary leg, can they make it to save Meryl? Or will they be forced to float around in a space-time continuum as ten-legged goats for the rest of eternity? Find out next week, as we encounter Torture Chambers, Communication Towers, The Ninja, A sexy sniper, Blood on chips and Steve doesn’t know what we’re yelling about! All this and more, next week!