Wednesday, 24 December 2008

A Very Mercenary Christmas

Outside, in the Middle Eastern street and sands is a bitter, cold wind blowing through every nook and cranny. Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. These houses were still and silent..but little did they know, the magic of Christmas was about to touch them. Especially in one house, where the cold chill was killed by a fire in the fireplace, created by one very excited individual waiting to open presents.....

Steve: Phil....

Phil stays asleep

Steve: Phhiiiiilllllll.......

Phil snores and Wolf jumps on the bed


Phil screams and scrambles for his Colt on his bedside table, falling out of bed and smashing his face off the floor.He groans and pulls himself up

Phil: What..WHAT?!


Phil: Awesome..

He looks at the clock: 4:51am

Phil: Go back to sleep..

Will opens his window, revealing his hair in curlers


Steve leans out of the bedroom window



Frank slowly walks into Wills room, half unconscious, baggy eyed and only wearing boxers


Frank: Turn on the light!

Will scrambles and switches on the light. They both scream and cover their eyes


Jon bangs on his window and flips it open

Jon: Keep it down guys! Some of us are trying to sleep!

Brick: It’s Christmas man!!


Jon scrambles up in bed and switches on the lamp on the bedside table

Jon: Christmas?! Oh my god! Get up! We’ll see what Santa left us!

Phil is now fully awake. He stands next to Steve and looks out the window. Dave pulls up the window and leans up, looking down the street. Sal, Brick, Billy and Vince are looking at them from their houses bedroom.

Vince: What the--The lights?

Sal: It’s Christmas time again!!!


Sal scrambles out of his bed and knocks over his water, diving to the foot of the tree and hugging a red present with a gold ribbon

Sal: MY BABY!!!!!!

Billy hops over Sal and grabs onto several wrapped boxes, laughing madly

Brick: Wow..the maturity levels just reached an all-time low


He spits on his finger and jams it into Bricks ear. Brick screams and dances around, swiping at his ear


Down the street, the mechanics are awakening in El Chopshop Grande

Johan: What up?

Bobby: Hey! Johan! Merry Christmas!

Johan: Christmas! Phil tell me! Good time of year! Happy celebration fun!

They both run downstairs into the main garage where a tree made of nuts and bolts is erected with several presents underneath

That Hispanic Guy scrambles out of his bed and kicks open the door, running down the stairs of the Lamb and Flag into the pub, followed by That Other Random Guy

That Other Random Guy: presents presents presents presents!!!!!!!!!

Dick falls out of his folding bed and scrambles up, sliding it into the wall and putting some bottles back

Dick: huh--we--open--wha? CHRISTMAS!!

Tom Morello dashes in, wearing long pyjamas and still carrying his guitar


That Hispanic Guy looks at Morello

That Hispanic Guy: You sleep with that--


That Hispanic Guy: No! No no no!

Obese Maurice runs down the stairs


Moe starts hopping down the stairs

Moe: Christmas? Already?

The door to the Lamb and Flag flies open, and the camera pans to El Chopshop Grande where That Hispanic Guy, That Random Guy and That Other Random Guy have stormed into. Bobby the mechanic slides the door open, peering out happily

Bobby: Wow...everyones up!

A large blue portal appears and Johnny Cash, wearing a santa hat, peers through it

Bobby: What the--

Cash: You didn’t see anything!

He quickly vanishes. Dean wakes up in the flat above his kebab shop and falls out of bed

Dean: DAMN!

He slowly gets up and opens the window, looking out at Sal, Vinces, Billys and Bricks house, where Billy is unwrapping his present


Sal taps the side of his nose. In his kebab shop, Karab, Deans bubbly Indian friend and co-owner, and Dean turn to their own Christmas tree, kneeling next to it and picking up the present from Steve

Dean: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit’s--

He unwraps it to reveal a solid gold Bowie Knife


Karab: You like?

Dean slices through the air and grins


Karab grins and nods. Dean hands him a golden key

Dean: Karab! Your Christmas gift...IS THE KEBAB SHOP!


Dean: I live rent-free in the above apartment.

Karab: DEAL!!!

Meanwhile, Johan walks out into the cold street, wearing a brand new beanie hat with his brand new accessory belt

Johan: Johan going to cry! Johan happy at gifts!

Maurice stumbles into the streets, bawling loudly as he carries 10 cases of SoBe


Will answers his cellphone as he trims his moustache with he sterling silver scissors Dave gave him

Will: Yello?

Moe The Midget is on the other end, wearing a sharp black tuxedo

Moe: Oi! Thanks for the gift Will! Now I look good without having to repeatedly wash and dry shit only for a tight fit!

Will: Everyone deserves to look good Moe! Have a Merry Christmas!

They both put the phone down at the same time

Moe and Will: Owwwwwwwww!

Steve hands Phil a box wrapped in gold paper and he rips it open

Phil: Oh..Steve! It’s beautiful!

Phil pulls out a large silver-plated pistol and looks down the sights, clutching it tightly

Phil: You heightened the sight! Makes it easier to aim manually! Eliminates the need to use one-eye!

He pats the handle and feels the cartridge

Phil: The handles been modified to allow large cartridges in! But the normal slides end up being lighter! The hollow handle allows minimum kickback and lighter hold!

He pulls back the slide

Phil: The slides whittled down too, so its not as chunky! The grooves make it easier to grip, and the hammer is extra grooved to make it easier on the thumb!

He examines the trigger

Phil: The triggers been modified to make it lighter and easier to fire! THIS IS THE ULTIMATE WEAPON!

Steve, who has half-fallen asleep, wakes up and grins

Steve: Knew you’d like it!

Phil hugs Steve and ruffles his hair

Phil: Fucking sweet dude! You even got me cartridges! Now open mine!

Steve rips open his present in record time to reveal a DVD of ‘The Good, The Bad and The Ugly’

Steve: My favourite film! Oh Phil! Sweet!

Phil: That ain’t the end Steve!

Phil hands him a photo, and Steve examines it.It’s a large truck with the words ‘Mercenary Energy’ in big blue letters on it with a silver AK

Phil: I hijacked a truck load of Mercenary Energy for ya! MERRY CHRISTMAS!


Wolf: And me Phil?

Phil looks around. Silence.

Phil: Don’t tell anyone..

He hands her a small box covered with a red ribbon. She opens it and gasps loudly

Wolf: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Steve: What? What’d he get you?!?!

Wolf: It’s...beautiful!

She pulls out a sterling silver watch with several charms attached to it and clips it onto her wrist, admiring it

Wolf: Oh..Phil..

That Hispanic Guy, Will and Dave are latched to the window

Dave: Hey look! Phil has feelings! Let’s tell everyone!


He rolls up a newspaper and advances, causing them to scream and run away

Wolf: Oh..wait! Something else!!!

Phil: Something else?

phils brain: You don’t remember?

Wolf was scrambling through the wrapping paper curiously

Phil: No..

Phils brain: You were so drunk on christmas spirit....and on Guinness..that you wrote a slip saying ‘I.O.U one of whatever you want’.

Phil: .....Oh. Fuck.

Phils brain: can just stop and guess right now, buddy boy.

Phil: .....Fuck.

Wolf: Oh...Phil....

She crawls close to him and whispers in his ear

Wolf: You always know what i’ll pick..

Phils brain: Not only did you dig your own grave, you shot yourself! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Phil grabs a ball of wrapping paper and jams it into his ear

Phils brain: OW!!

Phil: Heheh..

Jon and Brick are sitting in their flat above the Dog and Handgun,, surrounded by wrapping paper. Brick stares down at his new stockpile of M80 firecrackers and grins

Jon: Oi! No no no! Those are for mission use!

Brick: Awww...

Jon: Now feed Mr. Moneypennies!

Brick cheers and claps his hands rapidly, wandering over to a brand new glass-tank where a baby anaconda is slithering about, staring up at Brick with bright eyes

Brick: Ooo Mr. Moneypennies! I bet you’re hungry!

Brick opens a drawer and a mouse wanders in from a hole in the back. Brick grabs it and slides off the top, dropping the mouse in and sliding the lid shut


The anaconda pounces on the mouse and squeezes it tightly, biting it repeatedly

Mr. Moneypennies: That’s right you fucking mouse! Don’tcha even move cause I will bite yo ass to fucking hell, beeotch!

Brick: I can’t believe he talks!

Jon: Yeah..found him near the reactor! He’s only a baby yet he talks!

Mr. Moneypennies: Yo, Brick dude, thanks for the mouse!

He burps out a mouse skeleton and Brick gives the thumbs up


Jon grabs his brand new Dolce and Gabbana wash kit and goes into the bathroom. Laughing Octopus looks out of the window, wearing a new golden watch. Bob walks into their room, clutching two tentacles close to him

Bob: Wow honey! Great present! I HAVE MY OWN TENTACLES!

Laughing Octopus turns to him and smiles, posing with the watch

Laughing Octopus: How do I look?

Bob: Like a queen!

Octopus pounces on him. That Hispanic Guy walks down into the pub of the Lamb and Flag, wearing his poncho from Johan with a hispanic pride in his eye.

That Hispanic Guy: Bueno!

That Random Guy walks into the streets wearing gold-leaf boxer shorts Will bought for him. Dave parts the curtain, and stares wide-eyed at it, coughing out eggnog

Dave: JESUS!!!!!

He quickly draws the curtains. Frank runs into the street with the crates of whiskey under his hand, weeping loudly


Phil watches from the bedroom window with Steve

phil: Y’know, I think I had a nightmare about this once.

Steve: The end of the world caused by drinking?

Phil: I always thought Frank was taller in the dream..guess the armageddon isn’t picky

Morello runs down the street, cackling loudly at his new silver guitar


Phil: Yeah, get ready for judgment day

Will walks out of the door and looks around the street, his moustache waxed and buffed and wearing a sapphire coloured suit with matching tie, black dress suit and blue leather dress shoes. He looks around as Raging Raven walks out of the Dog and Handgun, carrying a bundle of new clothes over her shoulder


She grins and gives the thumbs up

Will: I know..I look good..

Billy walks out of his, Sals, Vinces and Bricks flat, carrying a new sabre

Billy: PHIL!!

Phil leans out of the window and Billy unsheathes the sabre


Phil gives a thumbs up and grins. Vince puts on his new pair of sunglasses and hops into his bright red Ferrari Enzo, looking at the steering wheel


Sal walks out, wearing a tuxedo and a monocle, holding a crystal carafe filled with Armagnac

Sal: And thank you Vince! Where on earth did you get the carafe?!

Vince: I stole it from H. Samuels! They wanted three-thousand quid..I got a five-fingered discount! Hehe! But SAL! THE FERRARI!

Sal: Ahh..don’t mention it!

Vince: Anyway, heard they’re preparing christmas dinner down in the square, ready?!

Sal climbs into his Bugatti Veyron and starts up the engine violently



Frank walks into the street, dressed in a white shirt, black tie, jeans and cowboy boots where a huge line of tables has been set-up, covered in red paper and decorated with countless plates, crackers, candles and tinsel adorning the chairs

Dick: Looking good boss Hog!

Frank: Phil got me the boots..Apparently he killed the snake himself!

Dick: That would explain the slash marks..and the blood

Frank: Ahh..So..whats up? Ready?

Dick: Well, a few guys are cooking some shiut up to serve..we have to serve quite a lot of people, y’know!

An huge red stream of liquid fires out from the door of Frank, Bob, Dave and Wills flat and smashes the windows of the opposite, abandoned flat


The windows are blown out by a huge stream of red wine

Octopus: Mulled Wines brewed!

The roof of Phil and Steves flat flies off in a mess of sage and meat

Phil: We got the stuffing balls!

Several popping sounds are heard as smoke rises

Steve: And the chestnuts!



Loud popping sounds are heard as blackened shells fly into the air.

Wolf: ...Chestnuts are done!!

A poisonous green gas floats out of the Dog and Handguns windows, causing Dick to hack and cough violently. Tom Morello walks into the streets and immediately collapses

Jon: Brussell Sprouts done!

That Random Guy: Brussell it IS Christmas..

Dick: Shut up! You’ll eat them! Now go check on the turkey! And get ready ya scruffy git!

That Random Guy trudges off, wearing only boxers and socks into the Lamb and Flag. That Hispanic Guy walks out, wearing a gold and black suit with matching sunglasses

Frank: Heyyy..looking good!

That Hispanic Guy: Yeah, we’re studs!

Johan and Big Bad Bobby walk out, each wearing large tuxedos and carrying a tray of stuffing balls with a gravy boat the size of a window on it. They set them down on the table

Johan: Where turkey?

Phil: Yeah, but we got a joint of beef in our oven!

Phil appears, wearing an electric blue suit and army boots

Frank: Wow Phil...looking good!

Phil: Thanks scruffy!

Frank: Oi! I’m the leader, I dress how I want!

Will: Yeah! If he wants to dress like a cowboy hobo, let him!

Will appears with his sapphire-coloured suit and with Raging Raven by his side, who was wearing an emerald green suit practically identical to Wills

Frank: Yeahhhh..

Phil: Wow, looks like the whole Units getting plucky. This is the first time you’ve been with a woman, ain’t it Will?

Will: 2nd time, jackass..

Dick: And you forgot to count several hundred one night stands

Will: And that’s why they call me Studlin..but I got a good feeling about ol’ Raven here..she’s a pip..

Raven blushes and smiles

Raven: And I got a good feeling I won’t be killing Will..

Phil, Frank, Dick, Johan and That Hispanic Guy: Damn.


He hisses at them and they wave it off, starting to place tablemats and crackers on the table. That Random Guy rushes out, tucking his shirt into his dress pants with a silver tie flailing wildly
That Random Guy: Turkeys tanned!

Dick: Ok! We’re almost ready!

Johan: Oh! Reminder! Bobby! I check pork!

Dick: 3 meats?! Sweet!

Johan rushes into the chop shop as That Other Random Guy surfaces, wearing a white shirt, red tie and black dress pants with leather slacks

That Other Random Guy: ..Damn! Everyone gets the dress jackets but me!

Dean walks out, laughing and wearing a sterling silver suit, walking like John Wayne, every step squeaking

Dean: Sorry *Beep*..but you is SLOOOOOOOOOW!

That Other Random Guy flings back his hand and smacks Dean in the crotch. Dean cries out and collapses. Will runs over and points to Deans whimpering form


Tom Morello comes to, kips up to his feet and points at Dean


Zack De La Rocha walks on by and grabs Tom in a headlock, dragging him down the street. Steve walks out, wearing a bronze-plated suit

Will: ....Wow.


Steve: Thanks! *Beep* got me it!

That Hispanic Guy stands there, grinning

That Hispanic Guy: You’d love to see what else I can do with illegally-stolen cars!

Steve: Kinda hard to sit down though

Frank: I can only guess..

A Bugatti Veyron and Ferrari screech up the sandy street and handbrake turn, skidding at angles to a halt underneath the awning of an abandoned building. Sal and Brick step out of the Bugatti Veyron, wearing blue tuxedos

Dick: Wow.

Frank: That just screams ‘retentive git’

Will: Damn Frank! I was gonna say that!

Vince and Sal slowly walk towards the table, before looking back at the Ferrari

Sal: What’s keeping you both?!

Billys voice: I can’t open the door!

Sal sighs and pulls out a spare set of Ferrari keys, clicking a button and watching as the door slides open in the butterfly effect. Billy and Vince look out amused and step out

Vince: AWWWW..SWEET!!!

Sal clicks it again and the doors fall shut. Vince and Billy rush over

Vince: My car! AWESOME!

Frank: Looks like Sal dived into his families fund again..

Sal: Technically, it’s mine. I helped my Dad run those factories, so naturally I became the heir, and received a small amount!

That Hispanic Guy: And if your father dies?

Sal looks up proudly

Sal: I inherit two-hundred billion!

They all fall back slightly, gasping

Phil: OH MY GOD!!

Sal: Anyone could inherit it if--

Sals brain: Don’t be stupid. The next words out of your mouth better be ‘They buy two hundred factories’

Sal: They buy two hundred factories!

The mercenaries moan and kick the sand, cursing

Sals brain: I owe you an idea!

Dave walks down the street, dressed in the attire of a military general, complete with helmet and medal strips on his breast

Frank: ...Wow

Dave: T’was my fathers, who kicked severe ass in both World Wars, kicked ass at Falklands, kicked ass at the Gulf and was a basic ass-kicker extraordinaire!

That Random Guy: ..How OLD was he when he died?

Dave: Died last year. Crashed his motorcycle trying not to spill his beer.



Frank: Practically everyones here, just waiting for the last few stragglers..

Crying Wolf and Screaming Mantis walk down the street, carrying trays covered in foil, and both strangely wearing tuxedos

Will: Seems like everyones wearing a suit!

Wolf: I find them..much more comfortable

Mantis places her tray on the table

Mantis: Frank...

Frank: *Beep*

Mantis looks at him

Mantis: Not in public..

Will runs over and puts his arms around both of them

Will: Ooooo? Something going on between the two leaders of the two units?

Frank and Mantis throw their fists back, punching him in the face and knocking him out

Dick: But there is, isn’t there?

Frank: Let's have Christmas dinner!

Obese Maurice walks out, wearing a huge green suit. He looks down at Dean and grabs him, lifting him straight onto his feet

Dean: Thanks Maurice

Maurice: No problem lad, just remember to guard the crotch at all times or ya will end up on the street kidda!

Dean: ...Gotcha

Moe the Midget wanders out, wearing a tuxedo

Moe: Wow..everyones doing great!

Jon walks out, wearing a yellow suit and carrying two casks of whiskey. Frank stares at him and falls to his knees


Everyone stares

Frank: Sorry...carnal instinct

Sal: You’re insane!

Jon: Thank god I left the Guinness at home!


Everyone stares

Phil: Sorry, forcive habit..

Brick comes out with Mr. Moneypennies wrapped around his wrist

Will: Nice snake, Brick

Mr. Moneypennies: Thanks my son! You look fine yoself!

Will: Thanks snake dude!

Karab: A talking snake...whatever next?

Maurice: Ya saying that when we’ve had a murderous robot unit, Slash, The Rat Pack, a blue portal and Samoa Joe?!?!??!

Karab: Yes.

Maurice clenches his fist and pulls it back, but ruffles Karabs hair

Maurice: You picky shit.


Brick: Yeah, I think we’ve got everyone..

John, Jim, Jimmy and Bill walk down, wearing tuxedos and accompanied by several PMC troopers

Jimmy; Hi guys!

Phil: NOW it’s Christmas!

That Hispanic Guy: How are the bit parts?

Jimmy: Not bad! Just got a christmas truce like World War 1!

Praying Mantis PMC Troop: Yup! A ceasefire for some food!

Jim: Wow..smells good!

Dean: Let’s rock! Everyones here!

Cash: Not everyone!

A blue portal appears behind them and Johnny Cash, Slash, Tom Morello, Zack De La Rocha, Brad Wilk, Timmy C, Frank Sinatra, Samoa Joe, Kurt Angle, Chris Sabin, Alex Shelley, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., Jeff Jarrett and Al Bundy appear. A beam of light shines down and Chuck Norris floats down to harp music before landing

Chuck Norris: Got extras?


The mercenaries yell and start to rush towards their houses.


With everyone sat at the decorated 3 long tables in the middle of the sandy street, Dick walks out out of the Lamb and Flag, carrying a large turkey in a tray with a towel. The mercenaries ‘ooh’ and aah’ as he places it on the middle table. Steve emerges from his flat carrying a tray with a huge joint of beef. The crowd cheers and bangs their forks on the table loudly as Steve places the joint on the top table. Johan walks out, carrying a whole roast pig in a huge industrial-sized tray, and places it on the bottom table to loud cheers

Dick: GRUBS UP!!

There’s a huge cheer as the mercenaries dive for the nearest plates. Steve quickly grabs the beef and hacks off several slices, flipping them randomly onto peoples plates. Phil takes a mouthful and grins

Phil: Hey..Steve..Good work on the joint!

Steve: Aye!

Morello: Mm..delicious!

Phil: Gravys a secret recipe!

Johan: You like pork?

Dick:’d ya cook it?

Bobby: Half an hour over a jet engine on a spit!

Dick, Johnny Cash and Samoa Joe stop chewing, but laugh and continue to chew.

Karab: Wow..this turkeys good..

Frank: try some of this wine!

Frank downs another glass and pours some more into his glass

Dave: Trust Frank to go for the hair of the dog..

They all chuckle and Frank grins, shrugging

Frank: Break character I won’t!

Screaming Mantis: Kudos to the turkey cookers!

That Random Guy and That Other Random Guy hi-5. Obese Maurice eats his vegetables slowly

Maurice: I say, this cauliflower cheese is quite esoteric, I say you must try it Vincent!

Vince: Uhhh...ok..

Vince grabs a spoonful and places it on his plate, taking a forkful and putting it in his mouth

vince: OH GOD! There’s an orgy in my mouth!

Mr. Moneypennies: Oo..that turkey look nice Brick dude!

The snake slithers off Bricks arm and onto the plate, taking a huge bite of turkey

brick: Woah! Slow down Mr. Moneypennies!

Mr. Moneypennies: shizzle dude!

Dean sits, staring at his plate of pork. He pokes it with his fork uneasily. Moe leans over with a mouth full of stuffing

Moe the Midget: You gonna eat that?

Dean: Where’s the spice? The grease?

Karab: Ah, Mr. Wilkinson sir! All food is not spiced and greased! We live a corrupt lifestyle and so must eat twice as much over Christmas to make up for it!

Deans eye twitches slightly and Jon pats him on the back

Jon: Eat up you moron!

Chuck Norris telepaths the gravy boat to his plate and heaps it onto his beef before passing it to Samoa Joe

Samoa Joe: We all got christmas at our homes..why are we here?

Kurt Angle: Don’t complain Joe! It’s Christmas! A season of good will to all men!

Samoa Joe: And mercenaries?

Steve: That’s a biggie! Don’t forget that!

Dick: You gonna make a toast, Frank?

Frank puts his empty pint glass onto the table

Frank: Toast?

Phil: Toast. You know..for the brave mercenaries who went out this year and kicked some ass while being very random about it?

Crying Wolf: Yeah!

Phil: You’re not a fact, in the past you’ve tried to kill us!

Wolf: Oh Phil! Let it go!

Phil: Not until you apologize for crushing my ribs!

Wolf: Oh..Phil! That is so several months ago!

Will: You are so goddamn insane..

Will starts licking plate his clean

That Hispanic Guy: ...Ew

Bob is busy eating his turkey, wearing a christmas paper hat

Bob: Wow..Christmas with you insane people! Never thought it would happen!

Dave: IT IS!

Dave smashes the neck of his beer bottle over his head and starts drinking

Laughing Octopus: You know..normal people use a bottle opener..

Bob: But where’s the fun in that?

Dave gives the thumbs up

Dave: Hear hear!

Johan passes some chestnuts to That Random Guy

Johan: Chestnuts good with stuffing. Johan now like chestnuts!

That Random Guy: Here, try my roast potatoes!

That Random Guy drops a spoonful onto Johans plate. Johan skewers one on his fork and downs it in one, his eyes going haywire. He stands up


Silence. Johan sits down.

Johan: Johan thought it would be good to hail friends food.

Al: Anyone tried the home brew yet?

Dean: Al..The Half Moon has won the best brewers award for 4 years running..besides which, Franks on his 3rd crate

Al raises his pint. The table watches.

Al: Here’s to good ol’ British Christmas dinner! Wherever the Brits go, we take our lovely customs!

Everyone raises their glasses

Everyone: Hail Britain!

That Hispanic Guy stands up

That Hispanic Guy: And here’s to the multi-ethnic cultures who form the backbone of everyone by providing hard work! AND HERE’S TO OUR COOL LANGUAGES AND CULTURES YOU PUTOS ET PUTAS!

Everyone: Hail Cultures!

Steve stands up

Steve: Here’s to breathing!

Everyone raises their glasses

All: Hail breathing!

Steve stands there, grinning

Steve: Hail breathing! HAIL BREATHING!

Jimmy stands up

Jimmy: Here’s to the spirit of no man getting left behind!

Everyone raises their glasses

Everyone: Until the going gets tough!

Billy stands up

Billy: Here’s to the most diverse force of bastards, gits, assholes, asskickers, maimers and insane people in the world!

Everyone raises their glassses high

All: Hail mercenaries!

Chuck Norris stands up

Chuck Norris: Here’s to the cameo appearances from famous people who appear to help us out, and who wouldn’t make the adventure half as fun! Or easy!


Sal stands up

Sal: here’s to us

Everyone stands up

Everyone: To us!

They all sit down, cheering, except Frank

Frank: And here’s to you all! An ass-kicking, head-smashing group of insane psychopaths who never turn their backs on anything! To a group of individuals who give a new meaning to under-dog, but fight until their bones turn to granite! To a force of people willing to fight for everything they believe in! HEre’s to us mercenaries, the unsung heroes!


Everyone stands up and cheers wildly. Vince starts sobbing into Sals shoulder


Sal: it’s’s all true..

Dean, That Random Guy, That Other Random Guy and That Hispanic Guy group hug. Obese Maurice, Moe the Midget and Dick Head group hug and raise their pints. Frank, Will, Steve, Crying Wolf, Screaming Mantis, Bob, Phil, Bill and Dave all group together and hi-5. Jimmy, Jim and Bill all group together and start chatning ‘Mercenary!’. The cameo appearances are still getting on with their dinner as Al pulls out a British flag and waves it, singing the national anthem. Billy, Johan and Bobby all share bearhugs, while Raging Raven and Will start making out



Everyone mobs Dick, screaming at the top of their lungs


Frank sits on the steps of his flat, watching as the final lights go out. Dave walks out and pats his shoulder

Dave: How do, Frank?

Frank: Do great..give us a light?

Dave reaches into the flat and grabs a box of matches, striking one of the box and lighting a cuban cigar in Franks mouth. He takes a few puffs and gives a sigh of happiness

Frank: I love being head of know that? feels like we’re a big, happy family on days like these..

Dave: That we are..hey..where is everyone, anyway?

Frank: Home.

Dave: But Bob?

Frank: Ahh..Bobs taken octopus to the, y’know..soppy crap

Dave: And Will?

Frank: Giving Raven the Studlin treatment.

Dave: Come to think of it..never saw Johan go home--

Frank: Johan and Bobby have went to the Lamb and Flag.

Dave: Ahh..

Frank nods and puffs the cigar

Frank: Earthy..yet woody..

Dave: Mm. Nice. And Sal?

Frank: Sals getting his car buffed..

Dave: And Phil and Steve?

Frank takes a deep puff of the cigar and blows the smoke out slowly

Frank: Steves gone for a drink at the Half Moon..but Phil..Thats the strangest thing...

In Phil, Steve and Wolfs flat, Phil slowly comes to and sits up

Phil: Oh..god..I had the worst nightmare..

He looks up, where Wolf is sitting on the bed, wearing skimpy lingerie


Wolf: Y’know’ve been awfully nice to me I figured it wouldn’t be nice to leave you..empty handed..You go through so much much misery..gunbattles, robot battles, barfights--

Phil looks up

Phil: Death CAN’T be this busy!

Wolf: --So..get ready to strap in..and feel the Gs

Phil: I’d love to..but

He gives a fake sneeze

Phil: I’m allergic to sex..

Wolf: Bullshit, get on the bed. NOW.

Phil: No.

Wolf: Yes..

Phil: Make me.

Phils Brain: Wait..SHIT! YOU IDIOT!

Wolf stands up and grabs him by his collar, dragging him up and onto the bed, pinning him down

Wolf: Ready for 6 hours of fun?


Frank hears the screams and waves it off

Dave: ..Weird

Frank: Go get some’s been a big day..

Dave: You too Frank!

Frank: A man needs to enjoy his cigar..

Dave pats his shoulder and shuts the door. Frank watches the setting sun and takes a deep puff again, breathing it out his nostrils

Frank: Peaceful..

A few flakes of snow fall and he stands up, throwing his cigar butt into the street where it blows gently in the wind. He turns around--

Mantis: Frankkkk...

Frank stops

Frank: Mantis?

He turns around and sees Mantis with her hands on his chest

Mantis: Baby..let’s go back to my place and get cosy..

Frank: I’d love to..but--

Franks brain: Bobs dead

Frank; Bobs dead

Mantis: I just saw him at the lake, skinny dipping with Occy..Come on Frank..

Franks brain: Fuck.

Frank: You have a flat?

Mantis: Sorta..

Frank: Ok..this I gotta see--


Mantis: Sure! Follow me!

Frank stands there, dumbstruck. But he shrugs and follows her
Frank: Wow..

Mantis beckons to the room of a one-room flat, decorated in pictures of unicorns

Mantis: Heh..I love unicorns..

Frank: ...THIS IS INSANE! But cute..

Mantis makes a ‘come here’ sign with her index finger. Frank turns and watches the final lights of the city go out. He smirks and turns to Mantis, who lays on her bed

Mantis: Rooowwww...

Frank: Heh...Grrrowwwlll..

He smirks and lays on top of her, slowly turning off the light as the scene fades.


All the mercenaries are in the town square, accompanied by a large band

All: Come and sing with me, proper chrimbo!
I take you for a drink with me, proper chrimbo!
Put up your Christmas tree, proper chrimbo!
So excited you might wee, proper chrimbo! proper chrimbo!

Frank rushes in front of the panning camera and holds it still on him

Frank: On the seven days of Christmas my true love came to me..

He gives the thumbs up to Screaming Mantis

A peregrine falcon, proper bo I tell thee,
She had two trainers and a beanie hat,
A new set of headphones all shining black!
I didn't sleep that night,
For Santa to come,
I wet the bed, that's what I had done,
Cos Christmas time is the place to be,
I always wake up in a puddle of wee,
With a ho ho and a silent night,
A little chipolata I'll be feeling alright

Steve rushes in front of the camera with a chipolata on a fork

Turkeys on the table, which brings a crowd!
Celebrate chrimbo I tell thee all!!!!!!

All: Come now sing with me, proper chrimbo,
Jimmy: selecta!
I take you for a drink with me, proper chrimbo,
Billy: selecta!
Hold up your Christmas tree, proper chrimbo,
Dean: selecta!
So excited you might wee, proper chrimbo! proper chrimbo!

The camera pans on Will, wearing a sequinned black suit standing beside Raging Raven in a lacy burlesque outfit

Will: You-whoo.
Ho, ho, ho.
I'm a bad mo-fo,
I got presents y'all for the two by two,
They goes watch out cos i got time for you!
Super funky and you're one of us!

Johan, That Hispanic Guy, Sal and Vince start breakdancing in the backgrounding

Watch out Santa cos here i come,
I sleep on the floor,
Never ever on the bed,
That's Santa's style, all in your head!
It's me dressed up, come sit on my knee,

Will sits back and Raven sits on his knee

Got gifts for y'all, what you got for me?
Chamone, chamone, chamone, chamone,
Chamone check, check tha-cone,
I said bubbles ain't a monkey,
She can move real funky,
Chamone check, check tha-cone
That's right, oww!!!!

Everyone jumps into the cameras path

All: Come now sing with me, proper chrimbo,
Phil: selecta!
Laughing Octopus: sing with meeeeee!
I take you for a drink with me, proper chrimbo,
Bob: selecta!
Will: Hee-hee!
Hold up your Christmas tree, proper chrimbo,
Sal: selecta!
So excited you might wee, proper chrimbo, proper chrimbo!!!

They watch as a blue portal appears and sucks the band up. Silence. Frank looks back at the empty stage and scratches his head

Frank: ay up, where's all t' band gone?
He shrugs and motions to the mercenaries

Frank: come on kids, help us out!
Sing with me
All: La la laa,
Frank: Check it out,
All: La la laa,
Frank: Can I get a rewind?
All: La la laa,
Frank: Well that were rea’ good..
All: Tra la la laa, tra la la laa, tra la la laa,
Frank: Come on now, let's get it together, you as well Kes!
All (Jolly, happy tones): Come now sing with me, proper chrimbo!!!

Sal jumps in front of the camera

All: I take you for a drink with me, proper chrimbo

Steve wanders in front of the camera

Steve: Take you for a goat!!
Hold up your Christmas tree, proper chrimbo,
Crying Wolf: So excited!
All: So excited you might wee, proper chrimbo! proper chrimbo!! proper chrimbo!!!!
Frank: Can I get a beat change?!
All: Come now sing with me, proper chrimbo,
Crying Wolf: Sing with me!
All: I take you for a drink with me, proper chrimbo

Johan and Phil start to do the robot as Dave sets the tree on fire and starts to launch fireworks in random directions with the help of Al the Pub Landlord

Dick: I take you for a drink!
All: Hold up your Christmas tree, proper chrimbo!!!

Karab, Dean, Brick and Jon start to shake the Christmas tree, cackling loudly

Karab, Dean, Brick and Jon: Wave your Christmas tree!!!
All: So excited you might excited!!!! so excited!!! so excited!!!
Frank: O rea’ good, now come on sing with me!!!
All: Come now sing with me, proper chrimbo!!!
Crying Wolf: Sing with me!
All: I take you for a drink with me, proper chrimbo!!!

Dick jumps into the camera view, carrying a pint

Dick: I'll take you for a drink!!
All: Hold up your Christmas tree, proper chrimbo!!

Obese Maurice walks into the camera view with Moe the Midget on his shoulders, waving tinsel around

Maurice and Moe: Hold up your Christmas tree!!
All: So excited you might wee, proper chrimbo!!!
so excited!!! so excited!!! so excited!!!

The music starts to die down and Frank appears in front of the camera, grinning

have a proper bo crim... bo!

Steve shoves him out of the way

Steve: bumbal squat!

Everyone shoves into the view of the camera, laughing and grinning. Phil crawls over the top of everyones heads and looks directly into the camera

Phil: it's all because of the magic...Shazam!



It's doubtful I will have an update up to bring in 2009, so I want to wish you all the best of luck in Bringing in the New Year!

2008 saw the introduction of Metal Gear Mercenaries. In April, it was created and published. In September, it was made onto Blogger where it shall live forevermore. As such, 2009 will see Fish Hats, Mutated Vindaloo Monsters, Chocolate Pudding!!! The Teabag Of Ultimate Destiny, CHuck Norris' Beard Hair Viagra and much, MUCh more!

You stay classy readers! Keep kicking it random!=

Saturday, 20 December 2008


With popularity booming, many people want advertisements for our mercenaries! We want products, humour and insane slapstick violence!
Well, they probably won't be too pleased at having to be called in..


Mercenary Commercial

The screen opens up with a shot of a random guy in a suit with a long waistcoat with his hands clasped together over his waist

Narrator / Morgan Freeman: One month ago..One man had a drea--

Phil dressed in a khaki shirt, grey pants and a red desert scarf over his head superkicks this man. He stumbles backwards and falls through the black curtain behind him, his legs sticking up in the air

Director: CUT!

Phil: What? Wasn't I supposed to kick him?

Director: NO!

Phil: Okies.

The mans leg twitches

Phil: Sorry Ron..let's do this again!

*BEEP* Take 2!

Narrator: Months ago, one man had a dream..a dream to--

A net is thrown over the man as Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin walk into the camera, grinning.


They stand there, staring at the camera and grinning.


*Beep* Take 3!

Narrator: One month ago, one man had a drea--

The man is taken down by a spinning hubcap and he falls flat onto the floor. Steve walks over him with his hand over his mouth.

Steve: Oh! I am SO sorry! We were playing frisbee. I am so sorry!

Frank walks onto the camera and grabs the hubcap

Frank: got blood on it!

Director: GET THE FUCK AWAY!!!

Steve flinches and scuttles off camera

*BEEP* Take 4

Narrator: Fucking hell...One man had a drea--

The man falls over and a small piece of string quickly disappears from his back

Director: MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNTIIISSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Screaming Mantis (Off camera): What? I didn't do shit!


*BEEP* Take 5!

Narrator: For the love of--One man had a dream..

The man stands there with a black eye, grinning

Narrator: A dream which culminated in--

The man is pounced on by a huge mechanical wolf

Director: GODDAMMIT!!!

Crying Wolf: Sowwee!!!

Crying Wolf bounds away and the camera pans to the man twitching on the floor

Director: Can we finish this already???!!!

*BEEP* Take 6......

Narrator: Months ago, one man had a--

The man runs off screaming as 2 whips are snapped at him repeatedly. That Hispanic Guy and That Random Guy chase him off with whips, cackling loudly. That Random Guy walks up to the camera and sticks his face into the lens

That Random Guy: HIYA MOM!!

Narrator: FUCK OFF YA RETARD!!!!

That Random Guy and That Hispanic Guy are rounded up behind the camera by men with tranquilizer rifles

*BEEP* Take..I lost fucking count

Narrator: One man had a dream..A dream which culmina--

A shower of flowers come from nowhere and tangle him up, making him fall backwards through the set. Bill, Sal and Vince conga in front of the camera, wearing Hawaiian shirts and wearing flower necklaces

Sal: Down at the copa! Copa cabana!

A margherita falls from the ceiling and the Director rolls up a newspaper, hitting Sal, Bill and Vince with it to shoo them off the camera. He looks at the camera

Director: AH! FUCK IT!


Mercenary Commercial Number 2

The scene cuts to the outside of a huge office building, seemingly made of glass due to the large amount of buildings. 2 suited office executives stand outside beside a Rolls Royce drinking coffee, until a missile shoots down and blows them up, leaving 2 pairs of smoking leather slacks


Raging Raven swoops down and lands in front of the camera, sheeding her UAV wings and oxygen mask and facing the camera with her flowing black hair and hazelnut eyes

Raging Raven: Heya viewers! Welcome to the mercenaries! We never mistreat our employees!

The camera cuts to inside of the building. A suited employee is walking calmly between office cubicles, muttering to himself as he stares down at a clipboard. Phil and Frank walk behind him and they both shoot him with Desert Eagles, blasting his chest open and making him fall face-first down to the ground

Phil + Frank: We never use violence to promote our product!

The camera cuts to a hallway where Crying Wolf is chasing a man with a leather whip, dressed in her human form skintight latex suit. Will is busy making out with a female employee on the desk and a cupboard door behind the action is shaking violently. Screaming Mantis walks out in her human form with something that looks like a...long silver bullet?

Screaming Mantis: We never use sex to promote ourselves!

The camera cuts to the very top floor. The leather office chair behind a marble desk spins around and Liquid Ocelot sits there, wearing a silk suit, expensive sunglasses and dozens of gold chains

Liquid Ocelot: We are always careful with every penny of our funds!

A butler comes in behind the camera

Butler: Sir, your solid gold hot-tub is here to be installed

Liquid Ocelot: Aww, sweet!

The camera cuts to a room filled with sand, Sal is in front of a conga line with a hawaiian flower necklace, carrying a margherita, behind him is Steve, Dave, Vince, That Random Guy, Samoa Joe and AJ Styles, and that Hispanic Guy is laying on a sunbed beneath a UV lamp wearing black goggles

Sal: We are always committed to getting work done on time!

The camera pans down a hallway, passing Chuck Norris who is leaning against a wall drinking a styrofoam cup of coffee, it walks past several large pictures of Chuck Norris, one at the end of the hallway has the words 'WORSHIP ME' etched in gold above it

Chuck Norris: We would never make you feel forced to view our product!

In another room, That Other Random Guy, That Random Guy, Bill and Dean are busy playing in large sumo suits, bouncing off eachother in the middle of the offices gym, laughing over-energetically in joy.

Sal: We would never make your children addicted to toys!

Phil walks a hallway, behind him, Samoa Joe has just thrown Billy through the glass.

Phil: We're just wholesome, family entertainment!

The camera cuts down from the balcony of the reception where laughing octopus is twirling around a pole and stripping. A blind man is getting beaten up by Bob, while a midget named Moe and Dick Head the barkeep are wrestling. The receptions desk is set on fire and Rage Against The Machine start playing 'Sleep Now In The Fire' amongst the flames. The glass doors slide open and D-Generation X walks in wearing man thongs. As Phil leans over the balcony, Sal has just thrown a naked Screaming Mantis onto the head of Johnny Cash before he hops onto the balcony and jumps onto the back of a FROG soldier. Akiba is being led through the carnage on a piggyback given by Meryl as a mutated chicken Phall appears from nowhere as the scene cuts to the seemingly peaceful outside where Old Snake throws his cardboard box off and sniffs the air.

Snake: Ahh..Another day at work!

The top floor explodes and Ken Shamrock, Chuck Liddell and Chris Cornell have just thrown the butler out of the window on the 5th floor

Snake: We rock!


Mercenary Dandruff Buster Shampoo

Seductive Raging Raven Voiceover: Have you ever suffered from unsightly dandruff flakes? Ever wanted the smoothest shine from your hair? is the answer..

A scene cuts to Phil naked from the chest up. He is busy spreading the white froth through his hair with a sensual look on his face

Voiceover: Dandruff Buster! For the animal in--


Phil collapses to the floor, clutching his eyes. The lights turn back to color and the camera looks down at him, wearing his swimming trunks

Frank: Phil? Everything ok?


Frank: Let's try another approach..
Solid Snake Voiceover: HEY?! Cuntflap?! Buy Dandruff Buster shampoo! Your hair sucks! It's greasy! When you scratch your head it looks like a fucking blizzard! Buy Dandruff Buster! FUCKING NOW!

A scene cuts to Solid Snake dressed in a khaki uniform bearing his teeth and growling at the camera, throwing a white bottle at the lens


Frank: ......aaaand cut! That was awesome!

Zack De La Rocha walks onto camera and pats Snake on the back

De La Rocha: Maybe it was just a little underaggressive?


Wills Aftershave...Erotica

A clip of a hairy, bare-chested Frank holding a curved bottle of aftershave appears on the screen to sensual jazz music

Wills Voiceover: You wanna turn into a man from being a mouse? My new aftershave will do the trick...Erotica..For when you just wanna tease a womans pants off!

A clip of a topless Will with his eyes closed and a shirt around his hips, thrusting in front of the camera appears, with a pink-tinted screen

Wills Voiceover: It's illegal in 40 contains baboon hair, jaguar scent, and the mating hormone of a wild African Gorilla..It is the ultimate in sensual scent-sation..

It cuts back to Frank, who sprays some on his neck. He quickly collapses, screaming


Will rushes onto the screen, which is pink-tinted and with a moaning soundtrack taking place

Will: Frank! Everything cool?


Will: That'll be the polystyrene and petroleum extract


Will: It doesn't fail..

A naked Screaming Mantis appears from nowhere and pounces Frank onto the bed

Will (Over Franks screams): Erotica..for the devil in all of us..

Director: AND CUT!!

Frank stands up, covered in lipstick with his shirt torn to pieces, with Screaming Mantisstill clawing at his back


Frank screams as Screaming Mantis drags him down onto the bed yet again

Will: At least it works!


Mercenary Energy Blaster drink

Ken Shamrock walks on screen, holding a silver bottle with a picture of an AK-47 on it

Shamrock: Hi, I'm Ken Shamrock, former UFC Champion and Hall-Of-Famer. I am here to tell you about Mercenary Energy Blaster energy drink! You may be thinking, whats so different about this? Despite having 3 times your recommended allowance of taurine, sugar, caffeine and chemicals, it really gets you example!

Shamrock walks over to Steve sitting in a cage. He pours some into a water bowl and Steve sniffs the air, picking up the bowl and drinking it. He stands still for a moment before twitching. His eyes go multi-coloured and he starts zipping around the cage as a blur before breaking out and shooting off camera

Shamrock: Awesome!

An explosion lights up Shamrocks features and he holds the bottle to the camera

Shamrock: Energy Blaster! BUY IT OR I'LL SNAP YOUR FUCKING ANKLE!!!

Frank: Fucking awesome!

Frank hands Shamrock a bottle of water and Shamrock drinks it

Shamrock: Damn, is Steve gonna stop?

The camera turns as Steve is dancing on top of a flaming car INSIDE THE STUDIO. Johnny Cash is below him, baiting him down with a piece of cheese attached to an tranquilizer rifle

Frank: He'll tire himself out..



We cut to the human form Laughing Octopus in her latex suit swinging around a pole. She grins and lightly slides her back up it before looking at the camera

Octopus: Hey peeps..ever wanted to please a man? Bring him to his knees? Make him drool over you? Buy new SeductoMercPole..

Bob trundles on screen with his eyes glazed over and That Other Random Guy grabs him in a headlock and pulls him off screen

Octopus: So sexy that men will die for you..

She gives a seductive kiss and wink at the camera

Frank: CUT! That was perfect!

De La Rocha appears on camera, having to restrain Tom Morello who is clawing towards Laughing Octopus

De La Rocha: It certainly works! CALM TOM!

Morello: I!! WANT!! LAPDANCE!!

Obese Maurice slowly wanders onto the set, but Vince, Phil, Dean, Billy and Sal all dogpile onto him, with Johnny Cash and Randy Couture dragging him away. Tom keeps clawing at the amused Laughing Octopus


Frank: Ummm..Ok Tom..Keep him outta here!!


His screams fade into the distance and Phils hand gives the thumbs up on camera



The scene cuts to a weedy looking men sitting on the edge of a bed. The lights are dimmed, the candles are lit, but this man is skinny. He fluffs the pillows slightly as Will bursts through the wall

Jonny 'Akiba': H-Hey!


Will runs out from the wall in the hole as a seriously muscled-up chiselled man of perfection walks through the hole. He has a brown wig and a fake moustache to make him look like Will

Jonny 'Akiba': F-Fuck! Are you Olympian Jay Cutler?!



Akiba: No you ain't!

Silence. Jay Cutler walks forward and hurls him through the hole in the wall as Meryl jumps onto his back

Meryl: Oooo...a real man!

Frank: Aannd done! Fucking brilliant!

Phil walks onto camera


Jay Cutler: Frank promised me some cameo appearances! And money. Lots of money.

He eyes at Frank, who flashes a duffel bag with a dollar sign on it

Phil: Aww...sweet!

Phil hi-5s Jay Cutler and That Random Guy runs on screen, making the metal sign and headbanging


Metal Gear Mercenary Action Figures

Sal, Dave, Bob and Vince appear on screen, clutching cellophane boxes

Sal: Kids! Buy our action figures!


Bob rips open the packing of his and presses a button on his back

Bob Action Figure: *Sigh*

Bob: Aww..come on!

He presses the button again

B.A.F: Am I always so unlucky?

He does it again


Bob: Alriiight!!

Sals figure starts breakdancing while firing pellets from a mini AK. Vinces just stands there, scratching its ass.

Sal: Its so like the real thing!

Johnny Cash appears on screen and sets his action figure down. The other action figures run off screaming.

Cash: Suckers!!

Frank: Cut!

Franks action figure swings down from the camera and turns to the lens, drinking a mini bottle of whiskey before falling off

Dean (Off camera): They ARE like the real thing!

Frank: FUCK YOU!


CQC Classes

The scene cuts to a dojo which is empy except for one man as it seems at the moment. Samoa Joes top half is visible and his arms are folded, giving a mean stare into the depths of the camera and our souls

Samoa Joe: I am former TNA World Champion, NWA Heavyweight Champion, X Division Champion, ROH Champion..Basically, I am a wrestling god! You wanna try and punk me out? Come to CQC Classes today! I'll show you how the mercs and their cameo appearing friends REALLY dish it out!

The camera zooms out and we see Billy punching an already-dead guy against a wall. Steves snapping a mans neck to pieces. AJ Styles is stomping another guy on the floor and Sal is busy smashing another guys head into a bloody pulp. Samoa Joe sneers.

Samoa Joe: Look the fuck out! My army is here!

Frank: And cut!

The violence continues and Samoa Joe walks forward, Frank hands him a bottle of water

Frank: Shouldn't they be stopping?

Samoa Joe: Leave them, they'll tire themselves out!

Billy throws his opponent through a wall and Sal has just sent his opponent through the floor

Frank: ....DAMN!


Sals Psychoanalysis Clinic

Homely, gentle music plays as we see Sal sitting in the centre of a circle consisting of Obese Maurice, Vince, Eddie Hitler, Chuck Liddell, Dave, Crying Wolf and Phil

Sal: Hello, my name is Sal, one of the more calmer mercenaries..and as such, I have opened a new psychoanalysis clinic..come and talk to people with problems like you, and make new friends!

Vince: I always wanted to be a supermodel..BUT I WAS TOO FAT!!

He starts crying and Obese Maurice pats him on the back

Obese Maurice: Its ok laddy..we know the pain..


Sal: Vince..whoosa..

Vince starts sobbing as he rubs his earlobes

Crying Wolf: I'm a sex addict..

Phil nods slowly, but Crying Wolf turns to him

Crying Wolf: Wanna do IT?

Phil shakes his head and Crying Wolf slumps back in her seat, sleeping. Sal holsters his tranquilizer pistol in his denim jacket

Sal: Some techniques need working on, of course

Eddie Hitler: I have beer problem!

Chuck Liddell: I have a violence problem..

Dave: I have a people problem!


Dave: 'Fuck you looking at, Chuck?

Liddell: Fuck you asswipe

Dave stands up and hurls himself at Chuck Liddell, who starts punching him in the jaw


Liddell keeps on hitting him and Eddie picks up a chair, hurling it at Liddell. Obese Maurice stands up and starts to bearhuge Eddie. Phil quickly runs off and Eddie leaps at Vince, smashing him violently in the nose with his forearm

Sal: There are some teething problems, of course!

The floor sets on fire and Sals eyes widen

Sal: Not again, Dave!

Dave stands up, holding a lighter and laughing maniacally

Director: AND CUT!


Director: Calm Sal..

Sal: Fuck you buddy boy!!

Sal hits the Director with a huge haymaker to the jaw as Chris Sabin gives a thumbs up to the camera


Sabin screams and runs off as Sal gives chase


Super Parties

An empty room is shown. The camera watches as Frank dials a number on his phone. The ceiling smashes through and Slash and Rage Against The Machine fly in on jetpacks. A stage immediately erects and they land on it, starting to play 'Bullet in the Head'. The door collapses as Jay Cutler, Samoa Joe, AJ Styles, Chuck Norris, Johnny Cash and Ken Shamrock burst through


A refreshments table appears from nowhere and Ken Shamrock starts dancing in the fruit punch and Jay Cutler dances around with a lampshade on his head. The wall to the right collapses as Phil, Sal, Vince, Dave, Will, Billy, Bill, Steve and Jon walk on through. Phil pulls a smoke machine from under his shirt and sets it down. Steve starts dancing waving a trident in the air as the wall to the left collapses and Jay Cutler walks through swinging an ice statue in his hands

Cutler: CABANA TIME!!!

Four poles slide out of the stage in front of Rage Against The Machine and Slash and Laughing Octopus, Screaming Mantis, Raging raven and Crying Wolf start poledancing in their human forms. Old Snake randomly runs into the building swinging a cobra around his head as Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin ride in drinking Cobra beer. That Hispanic Guy starts whipping a basketball hoop, thinking its an enemy as Liquid Ocelot and his FROG troops waltz in


He runs in and starts doing a 70s-style dance and an afro grows on his head as the FROG troops breakdance. Phil climbs onto the stage and gives the metal sign before jumping down. Flowers fall from the roof and Jonny, Meryl, Ed and Jonathon waltz in, carrying crates of beer. Jeff Jarrett walks in and smashes a guitar over Jonnys head before walking in and draining the fruit punch while Shamrock is busy twirling on a pole with Screaming Mantis. Frank faces the camera and gives the thumbs up

Morgan Freeman: Super parties! Because your parties are lame!

Morgan Freeman walks in wearing a silk dressing gown and smoking a cigar, patting Frank on the back as Will runs by piggybacking a naked Screaming Mantis


Frank hugs him as Jay Cutler and Sal start to breakdance on the stage. Phil walks through with a naked Crying Wolf hugging his back and Jeff Jarrett smashes a guitar over the camera, turning the screen black.


Friday, 5 December 2008

The Ultimate Showdown of Somesorta Destiny

A time comes in every persons life, when they have to prove they are better. Ironically, people choose violence rather than words.

When it comes to the Parody stories, everyone fights. Steve fights, Phil fights, Samoe Joe fights, AJ Styles fights, Tom Morello fights..All to prove they are the best character group.

But what would happen if they all met in one place and decided to settle it once and for all?

Settle into your chair, grab a drink, and get ready for rape, hugs of dewm, suicidal grenade men, brass knuckles, towel racks, wet towel snaps, broken necks, alcohol, That Hispanic Guy, moronic mercenaries and killer but very sexy and erotic robots.


It was an ordinary day off for the mercenaries. Still clothed in their Middle-Eastern garb, they walked into an alleyway eating vanilla ice-creams. Frank, Steve, Phil, Dave, Bob, Brick, Will, Sal, Vince, Dean, Bill, Jim and Billy walked out without a care in the world.

Phil: You know..this sunny weather..this is why being in 2014 is so much better!

They duck as an unmanned flying unit dives through the air and sends SCUD missiles hurling towards a building into the distance.

Steve: Nothing beats home!

They walked into the middle of a large, sandy town square, surrounded by old buildings. They yawned and stretched, care-free to the bullets and bombs exploding around them

Bob: relaxing..

However, as Bob finished that, the mercenaries most-opposed foursome strode around the corner. They quickly stood straight as Screaming Mantis, Laughing Octopus, Crying Wolf and Raging Raven strode around the corner, also clutching ice-creams

Frank: Not these girls again..

Screaming Mantis: Well..well..well..look what the cat dragged in!

Steve: You smell!


Sal: We mean no harm, FRIEND

Raging Raven steps forward and Sal screams, cowering behind the mercenaries.

Bob: Uhh..honey? Occy?

Octopus simply stares at him

Bob: Oc--

She hisses and her tentacles flail at him, he screams wildly and hides behind Phil

Phil: You sugarcoated your lovemaking once too often! HAHA!

Bob slaps the back of his head

Frank: Look, just keep walk--

He sighed as he heard the sound of loud chatter come into the square, followed by a deathly silence. The mercenaries looked on as Samoa Joe, Jeff Jarrett, AJ Styles, Tom Morello, Slash, Barack Obama, A Random Guy, Colt Cabana, That Other Random Guy, Dick Head, A group of wrestling fans, Johnny Cash,Samuel L. Jackson, Christopher Daniels and Jay Cutler stood there, eating bags of crisps

Samoe Joe: Well..looks like we got ourselves a Mexican Showdown!

Bobs brain: You had to say it--


That Hispanic Guy runs down a set of house stairs, followed by Johan, Obese Maurice, Moe The Midget, Vamp, Homicide, Hernandez, Antonio Banderas, Johnny Depp, Eddie Guerrero, Scott Dolph, Cyborg Ninja and Fatman

That Hispanic Guy: Tonight..the sewers run red with the blood of you all!!!

The Hispanics raise their hands and yell out. The mercenaries watch as they join the square

AJ Styles: All we need now is--

Liquid Ocelot and a small army of Raven Sword and Otselotoya Khvatka PMC troops wandered in

Liquid Ocelot: You called?

At that exact moment, Solid Snake, Meryl, Jonathon, Ed and Jonny strolled in

Snake: This may be part of my final mission..but I WILL KICK YOUR ASSES!!

They all pull out weapons, Phil pulls out a metal towel rack, Steve pulls out a hand grenade, Most of the real life guys aren't random, but A Random Guy pulls out a curtain rail, and a few more pull out glass bottles, milk crates and even a wet towel. That Hispanic Guy pulls out his bullwhip, while Jonny Depp pulls out a microphone and Vamp gets his knives ready. They all yell out and charge at eachother.

Phil started to circle Vamp, clutching his towel rack

Phil: Heere vampy vampy vampy!!

Vamp threw a knife at him and it went through his shoulder


He ran at him and pelted him with the towel rack, sending him down and itting him with it repeatedly. Meanwhile, Bob and Laughing Octopus were circling eachother

Bob: Ok, Occy, time to die!!

Octopus: But..I..still love you..

Bob stands still, despite the bloody brawl going on behind him

Bob: Really?

He didn;t have time to say anything else as Chris Sabin and Alex Shelley ride in on their horses and hurl a net over him, he yells out and they drag him behind their horses at full speed. A Random Guy jumps on Laughing Octopus' back and strangles her with the curtain rail


She simply threw him over her shoulder and sent through the windshield of a nearby car. Samoa Joe grabbed an Outer Haven soldier and started to lock him in the Coquina Clutch

Samoe Joe: TAP BITCH!! TAAAPPP!!!!

Liquid Ocelot ran up slowly and tapped Samoa Joe with his foot. Samoa Joe growled and got up, Liquid Ocelot screams and runs off, followed by Samoa Joe. Steve walked through the crowd and held out his hand grenade screaming loudly. AJ Styles jumped on his back and started choking him some wrist tape

Styles: Gueessss whooooo?????

Steve throws the grenade away and punches AJ in the face with the back of his knuckles. AJ fell off and Steve watched as Phil was dragged away in a net behind the horse of That Hispanic Guy. He quickly rolled out and stood up


Crying Wolf charges at him

Phil: Even worse than when she’s horny.

She sends him flying into the top floor of an abandoned building as Steve jumped onto her back

Steve: Look Frank! I'm riding a female tractor!

Frank: STEVE! NO!

She starts to run around wildly, Steve latches on yelling wildly as she tries to buck him off. Jonny Depp quickly jumps onto Wills back and shoves a razor to his throat

Depp: I'm so going to make you into a pie!!

Will uses his plank of wood and slams it backwards, smashing it into Jonnys head. Will points at Liquid Ocelot and starts to advance on him, but is taken down in a dogpile of Outer Haven soldiers. Samoa Joe jumps at Antonio Banderas, but Antonio smashed a bottle of tequila over his head. Obese Maurice circles Sal, growling

Obese Maurice: Ya going to hell mate!

Sal: But Maurice! You were always gentle!

Maurice pounds his chest and charges at Sal, but Sal sidesteps and Maurice collides with Samuel L. Jackson, sending him skidding across the floor and taking down Samoa Joe and Liquid Ocelot


AJ Styles wanders through on fire as Ed started to beat up Colt Cabana before using him as a dart and throwing him at Screaming Mantis. Vamp throws a few knives at Sal and skewers his chest with them

Sal: Goddammit Vamp! This was a new shirt!

Sal runs forward clutching a pair of ice skates and swung them around his head. Fatman sped forward on his rollerskates and plants a bomb on Franks back. Frank quickly tore off his shirt and hurled it at Raging Raven who simply uses her wing to bat it into a group of PMC soldiers, who explode into pieces. Moe The Midget hops onto Crying Wolfs back and jumps on her head before launching himself at Bill, latching on his face and punching him as Bill runs in circles screaming. Phil stands up on the top floor of the building

Phil: I'm still alive, bitches!

He jumps down onto Snakes back

Phil:'re so comfy..

Snake quickly hurls him over his back and Phil collides with Laughing Octopus, landing on top of her

Phil: Laughing're so comfy..

One of her tentacles quickly slapped him off and he flies into Frank. Bob quickly walks out, bleeding from his back. Octopus spins around so fast her mask falls off, and she blinks rapidly, the bloodthirsty images draining from her head

Bob: Octopus! OCTOPUS?!

Laughing Octopus: Darling!

Bob: Buttercup!

Frank: What the fuck?

Laughing Octopus: Whats happening?

Bob: We’re all fighting babe..

She watches as Vince runs past screaming, being chased by Johan carrying a tire iron. She then stares as Barack Obama runs by, swinging a mace around his head and chasing Bill.

Laughing Octopus: Oh..

Bob: Are you ok?...

Laughing Octopus: I think I felt the baby kick..

The brawling stops insantly. Sal drops his pipe and they all watch

Bob: Uhh..

That Hispanic Guy: Sweet mother of Xolotl!

Laughing Octopus: .....I was kidding! Now lets go have random, wild sex in that building.

Bob: ...Ok!

Phil watched as they hugged and quickly ran into an abandoned building

Phil: o.O;;

Maurice: Fuck that shite! LETS FIGHT!

Everyone screams and starts brawling. That Hispanic Guy rides past and Steve jumps off and lands on his horse, kicking him off

Steve: Look! I'm That Hispanic Guy!

That Hispanic Guy quickly snapps his whip at him and he screams,falling off and getting caught in the horses stirrup. That Hispanic Guy slaps the butt of the horse and it rides off at full speed with a screaming Steve half-hanging off. Jonathon and Ed headbutt a Praying Mantis soldier and behead him instantly. Tom Morello and Slash stand in front of a random dude and started playing their guitars. A random dude starts to shake and explodes violently. Johnny Cash smashes his guitar over the head of Antonio Banderas which kills him instantly. Barack Obama brings his mace down on Johan, who blocks it with his Tire Iron. He swipes at Obama, but he ducks. Bill catches Johans tire iron and stands on Obamas back.


He jumps at Johan, arms outstretched, going for a wrestling crossbody. Johan simply catches him.


Johan spins and throws him into Fatman, who skids across the floor and tackles down Obama

Johan: Fuck yeah!

A random Otselotoya Khvatka PMC tiptoes behind Johnny Cash, who's pacing around the outskirts of the brawl. Cash blinks and swings his guitar over his shoulder, killing him instantly

Cash: Fatality!

Scoitt Dolph runs at Cash, but Cash pulls off his cowboy boot and smashes it over his head while Barack Obama comes along and starts stomping him. Eddie Guerrero climbs to the top of the building.

Eddie Guerrero: VIVA LA RAZA!!!

He jumps off hits a Frog Splash onto a group of PMC soldiers, who immediately explode randomly. Guerrero surfaces covered in blood, but he simply shrugs it off and turns to Bill, holding a Steel Chair. Bill puts up his fists, and Eddie points behind him. Bill turns around and Eddie smashes the chair into his back



Frank pulls on a pair of Brass Knuckles and punches an advancing Jonny, knocking him out. That Random Guy pulls out a wet towel and towel snaps Screaming Mantis. She turns around and growls. He towel snaps at her face and she simply wraps her arms around him and hugs him

That Random Guy: I love you t--MY RIBS!!

Crying Wolf bounded through and snags Daves foot, Dave screams as he was dragged behind Crying Wolf. Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin rode back in and pull out a large radiator panel, knocking out Liquid Ocelot as they ride through. A window shutter slams open and Bob peeks out

Bob: PHIL!!! How are you?!!

Bob watches as Phil hops forward, snagged by another one of That Hispanic Guys nets

Phil: I'm doing great, just trying not to d--

Jeff Jarrett smashes a guitar over the head of Phil and he collapses. He pulls out another and aims for Bob, but smashes it off the wall as Bob ducks

eff Jarrett: Join the fight, slapnuts!!

The human form of Laughing Octopus pops her head up

Laughing Octopus: Shut up, JEFF!!

Jonny Cash pulls out a machete and goes to chop off his arm, but Jarrett turns around

Jarrett: What are you doing Cash?!

Cash points at Bob

Cash: Join the fight, lover boy!

Dean walks over and taps Jarrett on the shoulder

Jarrett: Yes?

Dean pulls out some red-hot oil and flings it into Jeffs face. Jeff yells and collapses

Cash: What the--

Dean: Don’t mess with a kebab shop owner!

Billy runs along and kicks Dean in the crotch. Dean whimpers and collapses

Cash: Why’d you kick your own team-mate??

Billy stares at him and kicks Cash in the groin. Cash yells out and collapses

Cash: MY GROIN!!

Frank puts Jonny in a headlock and starts punching him repeatedly as Snake snaps Vamps neck. Fatman rollerblades through, but Alex Shelly and Chris Sabin throw a bundle of nuts at his feet and he trips, flying headfirst into the wing of Raging Raven.

Chris Sabin: :)

Steve quickly wanders back in and Scott Dolph rides in ona horse, but Steve throws a Trident at him and stabs him, killing him instantly

Steve: :)

Jeeff Jarrett walks forward, clutching a guitar and squinting through the burning oil and smashes it over Meryls head, not noticing Homicide and Hernandez skewering him with the Mexican Flag. Vince pulls out a pair of nunchucks and charges at Crying Wolf, but she trips him and he lands on Samoe Joe, bnut he simpl wraps them around Joes neck and strangles him. Liquid Ocelot pulls out a knife and yanks Frank closer, jamming it into his chest

Liquid Ocelot: WE..are the best..

Frank: No..YOU..AREN'T!!!

He headbutts him in the face and uppercuts him. A random guy pulls out a bottle of beer and throws it at Johnny Cash, Cash simply catches it and drinks it, not noticing Snake wandering behind him and grabbing his neck to choke. Steve wanders in clutching a trident, which he thrusts into the chest of the Cyborg Ninja. Phil slowly gets up and unfurls himself from the net


Ed walks over and picks him up, but Phil grabs a wet towel from a random guys hand and snaps it against Eds face


Phil: ha-ha! Bow bitch! Bow to the towel!

Phil chases Ed through the square, snapping him with a towel as That Hispanic Guy wraps his bullwhip around a PMC soldier and slices him in two. Liquid Ocelot has Jonny Depp in a headlock and starts punching him as Bill pops up again, pulling out a flag of the Confedaracy

Bill: THIS TIME!!!

Bill charges at a random guy and skewers him on the end of the flag.

Bill: :)

Frank looks up from setting fire to a random guy, hearing sirens


That Hispanic Guy looks up, having just cut off Raging Ravens wing

That Hispanic Guy: POLIZIA!!!!!!!!!!!

They all drop their weapons and run off, the dead and wounded lying on the floor. That Hispanic Guy, Alex Shelly and Chris Sabin ride away on their horses while the real life guys simply run out in a massive huddle. Ocelot wanders around cursing loudly, trying to find an Outer Haven soldier that actually survived until he shrugs and runs off. The mercenaries scramble around

All: Bob?!

Bob peeks his head out of the window

Bob: Yeah?!

All: ..Ah..fuck you!

They all run off into an alleyway, leaving the dead , the wounded and the charred

--10 minutes later--

They sat in their hotel, bandaging their wounds and drinking beer. Phil wraps a bandage around his eye, while Sal is having his whole body bandaged by Vince.

Frank: Boy..That escalated quickly! out of hand so fast!

Will: It..definitely jumped up a notch

Frank: It did, didn't it?

Steve: I stabbed a man in the heart!

Dean: I Saw that...Steve killed a guy!

Dave: Did you throw a trident?

Steve: Yeah, and there were horses and there were men on fire, and I killed a few guys with a trident!

Frank: Steve, you should probably lay low for a while and get into a're probably wanted for murder

Phil: Murder schmurder, whats a few stabbings?

Frank: It wasn't a few, though, there was a man cut in half, towel snappings, heads crushed by guitars and Slash and Morello made a guy explode!

Bill: I saw that! That was cool! Epic cool!

Frank: But i'm all proud of you! Well done for fighting!

Phil: We killed guys..except Bob..where is Bob?

--Back in the square--

Laughing Octopus wanders out, covering herself with a blanket

Laughing Octopus: I..guess we missed a lot..

She watches as a PMC soldier without legs pull himself out of the alley

Bob: It did escalate pretty fast, didn't it?

That Hispanic Guy runs back, picking up his bullwhip. He looks at Octopus and wolf whistles before running back out

Laughing Octopus: Well..guess it's over..

They sigh and look down for a moment

Laughing Octopus: Wanna do it again?

Bob: Why not!

They wander back into the abandoned house as 2 balaclavad men slowly walk into the square, looking at the dead bodies. They take their masks off to reveal Phil and Steve

Phil: Jackpot!!

Steve: I'm gonna buy myself a shiny new necklace!!

They start looting the dead bodies before sirens sound, and they run off s the screen fades to black

Tuesday, 25 November 2008

The Guys

Last time on our character specials, we met Frank the alcoholic, Dave the absolute psychotically deluded maniac, Bob the unluckiest man to ever try and be reasonable, and Will who spent half the story shagging women.

Now that we've crossed that hurdle, it's time to meet the extras. The so-called "Guys", those unknown soldiers who think that having a lack of name makes them mysterious and cool. That Hispanic Guy, That Random Guy and, who else?, That Other Random Guy

How do they make a living? Are they party boys--uh, guys? What BATB member will be seen this time? Will we see more people from past shows intruding shamelessly for air time?

Read and weep!


As yet another day breaks, sunset creeps silently through the windows in the upper floor of the Lamb and Flag where the hotel guests stayed. However, many guests did more than stay..they practically lived there by paying rent to the barkeep, Dick Head. Of these few, 3 slept in the 1 room. That Hispanic Guy, That Random Guy, and That Random Other Guy. Each on, before you get the wrong idea, slept in seperate single beds, paid for by themselves as Dick was too cheap to help. That Hispanic Guy slowly rolls out of his and onto his knees, pulling on a blue dressing gown and slipping into a pair of white fuzzy slippers. He walked beside That Random Guys bed and grabbed his water glass from his bedside table before walking into the bathroom. That Random Guy rolled over in bed and smashed his hand of the bedside table reaching for the glass

That Random Guy: FUCK! MY HAND!

That Hispanic Guy: Stop whining ya big baby! I need some water to style my 'tache!

That Random Guy: Why mine?

That Hispanic Guy: Cause you're an asshole!

That Random Guy: So are you!

That Hispanic Guy: Ah ah ah! I said it first!

That Other Random Guy (Sleepily): Will you two SHUT UP?!

That Hispanic Guy: SHUT UP YOU PENDEJO!!!!!!!

Dick Head (Coming up stairs) WILL YOU LOT KEEP IT DOWN?!

Steve (From downstairs): LOUD NOISES!!!


That Hispanic Guy: Fuck you

That Random Guy: Well..fuck you t--

That Hispanic Guy: Learn the unwritten rule, cockbag! I said it first, so that means it applies to solely to you!

That Random Guy: Well you’re a--

That Hispanic Guy: Studmuffin

That Random Guy: I was gonna say--

That Hispanic Guy: Unwritten rule two, interceptions means it’s doubly true.

That Random Guy: We--Ah--Yo--FUCK YOU!

That Hispanic Guy: You wish!

That Random Guy: No chance, I’m not gay!

That Hispanic Guy: And even if I was, *BEEP*, I’d like to think I could do better than you.

Instantly, Tom Morello kicks the door off its hinges and stands on top of it, pointing at That Random Guy



Morello: ...Burned.

Morello laughs and does a little toe-tap dance before running downstairs

That Random Guy: That was random

That Hispanic Guy: Well, you’re just gay

Sound of running feet up the stairs


Silence. Sound of feet going back downstairs.

That Hispanic Guy: Freakin’ idiotas..

He walks into the bathroom and out instantly, handing JThat Random Guy the cup of now-yellow water. That Random Guy looks at it

That Random Guy: Did you pee in this?

That Hispanic Guy: Of course............

That Random Guy: Of course not?

That Hispanic Guy: No, of course I did

That Random Guy: Bitch.

That Hispanic Guy walks towards the door, but stays in the room for a second

That Hispanic Guy: *BEEP*, do you want breakfast?

That Random Guy: Yeah!


That Hispanic Guy: Go get it yourself pendejo!

That Random Guy: You can never treat me to breakfast in bed, can you??!!!

That Other Random Guy sits up in bed, staring at them both.

That Other Random Guy: I now pronounce you husband and husband! Who's kissing the husband?!


That Hispanic Guy: Fuck you!

That Hispanic Guy leaves the room scowling

That Other Random Guy: He's running from his white wedding! Come back, you blushing bri--

That Hispanic Guy runs back in with his trusty bullwhip. He snaps it at That Other Random Guy who screams and falls out of bed, wearing only loveheart boxers. That Hispanic Guy hops onto the bed and whips him again, That Other Random Guy screams and runs to the door, being chased by the bullwhip-snapping That Hispanic Guy. That Hispanic Guy chases him downstairs, screaming at the top of his lungs. Frank opens the door and stares at the half-naked body of That Other Random Guy coming at him in slow motion.

Dramatic music.

Frank opens his mouth to scream, but That Other Random Guy jumps onto him, screaming in pain. Frank lays there, frightened


That Other Random Guy: I'M BEING WHIPPED!!! HELP!!!

Sound of retching from the next-door Dog and Handgun and Half Moon. Al runs out of the Half Moon with a fire extinguisher and sprays it at That Other Random Guy, covering him in white foam. That Hispanic Guy hisses and steps backwards.


Frank: SO AM I!!!

Phil calmly walks by. He hears this and looks at them. They look back at him.

Phil: 2 men...covered in white foam..

He remains silent, blinking rapidly.

Phil: I saw everything.

He walks backwards away from them. That Other Random Guy jumps up, chasing after That Hispanic Guy.

Despite being so early on, many customers where in the bar ordering breakfast. Dick was standing behind the bar polishing pint glasses, while many people were satat the tables on the red-cushioned seats. That Hispanic Guy walked towards the bar, but the glint of a camera caught his eye

That Hispanic Guy: Here so early, Jimmy?

Jimmy the Cameraman: Indeedy-do! I need to interview you!

That Hispanic Guy: Well..For one, I am NOT revealing my real name!

Jimmy the Cameraman: Why?!

That Hispanic Guy: Only a handful of people know it, and I will keep it that way! Fuck the readers! Hispanic number one!

The worlds hugest mercenary, Obese Maurice holds up one finger. That Hispanic Guy grabs the camera and points it at Maurice, who is tucking into a fried full English Breakfast

That Hispanic Guy: SEE?! THE NEW GUY AGREES!!

Obese Maurice nods, as Moe The Midget climbs up a stool and sits on it. That Hispanic Guy jerks the camera down and pans into Moes face


Moe, slightly disturbed, nods slowly


Jimmy the Cameraman: O...k..Why are you wearing a dressing gown?

That Hispanic Guy: Why not?

A few people were staring at the fact that the dressing gown barely covered his knees and hairy legs

That Hispanic Guy: Screw them, i'm sexy--

Dick: You're fucking hairy and scary!

That Hispanic Guy: Fuck you, Dick!

Jimmy coughs. That Hispanic Guy gives a cheeky grin and looks at the camera

That Hispanic Guy: Hi! I live here! I like you! I like sex! I feel good, look great and love you long time!

Jimmy: O.O

That Hispanic Guy smirks and points around

That Hispanic Guy: Everyone here? I know what their thinking..

In Wolfs mind she's being cradled by Phil in a black-and-white film
Wolf: Kiss me..Kiss me like i've never been kissed before!

In Phils mind, he was sitting in a hammock holding an elephant rifle while smoking a cigar and Steve walks by
Steve: But, master, how did you manage to kill her from 200 yards out?
Phil: Great shot!

In Obese Maurices mind, he’s monitoring a running line of Cadbury Dairy Milk bars in a factory
Worker: Mister Maurice! We need testing! A batch looks weird!
Obese Maurice takes off his goggles slowly
Maurice: Let’s rock.

In Dick Heads mind, he’s tending a bar at the Hilton
He grabs a bottle of Armagnac and polishes it, kissing it lovingly

In Franks mind, Frank bathing in a swimming pool of whiskey
Frank: I AM ALIIIVVEEE!!!!!!!!

In Daves mind, he's sitting in the middle of a battlefield reading Readers Digest surrounded by dead bodies
Dave: I'll say, tips for cleaning stubborn bloodstains!

In Steves mind.
. . .

In Samoa Joes mind:
Samoa Joe is standing with one foot on Kurt Angles headless corpse holding the title up high

Samoa Joe: Cool.

That Hispanic Guy sits at a table with Frank and Will and gives the thumbs up

That Hispanic Guy: I love these guys! Wills as big as stud as me..and Frank? Well..

Frank gives a childish giggle and falls out of his chair, clutching a jug of rum

That Hispanic Guy: Middle-aged, drunk and crazy, I wouldn't call it the best combination!

Will slaps his hand against his forehead as Frank crawls back up to his seat

Will: Frank..what would your dad think if he could see this?

Frank: He'd think I was a pussy.

Will: ._.

That Random Guy walks down the stairs and the cameraman hops up, going towards him.

That Hispanic Guy: Where are you going?

Jimmy the Cameraman: To interview this guy!

That Hispanic Guy: will miss ya..

Will hurls a condom full of water at him and Jimmy screams, following That Random Guy out of the bar

That Random Guy: Uhh..hello?

Jimmy the Cameraman: Tell us about yourself!

That Random Guy: You'll never know my name, my age, my date of birth, my place of birth, my blood type. I like to work on cars, and that is all you need to know!

Jimmy the Cameraman: Be nicer!

That Random Guy: No!

They stop in front of Liquid Ocelot

That Random Guy: Ocelot.

Liquid Ocelot: *Beep*.

That Random Guy: I have a question..

Liquid Ocelot: Yeah?

That Random Guy: Why are you stabbing that man repeatedly in the face?

Liquid Ocelot drops the dead guy and the knife from out of nowhere

Liquid Ocelot: ...No reason

That Random Guy: Are you going to take--

Liquid Ocelot runs off with the dead guys gold rings

That Random Guy: MOTHERFUCKER!!

Jimmy the Cameraman:'re a mechanic?

That Random Guy: Weeeell..

They walk through a large metal sliding door and That Other Random Guy appears, clutching a wrench and hands That Random Guy a welding mask

That Other Random Guy: Ok, there's a beautiful Ferrari Enzo needs chopping up for parts, can you do that?

That Random Guy: I'm not a retard!

That Other Random Guy: Yesterday, you used a fucking blowtorch on a FULL PETROL TANK!

That Random Guy: ...Wasn't my fault..

That Random Guy walks past a group of mechanics huddled around a black Audi TT

Jimmy the Cameraman: guys are mechanics, right? Making an honest living?

The mechanics stop and laugh before returning to work

That Other Random Guy: Hell no! We steal cars, chop them into pieces and sell them to Drebin! And occasionally, we'll send car parts to other countries, or even keep the cars!

Jimmy the Cameraman: ..Oh, cme on! Someone in this fucking town must make a decent, honest living!

A huge bald mechanic walks over to Jimmy and folds his arms, growling

That Other Random Guy: Calm down, Johan...Look, Jimmy, don't interview me..interview someone else! I like cars, women, booze, drugs, and everything classed as leave me be, will ya?

Johan picks up Jimmy and throws him into the street, slamming down the metal sliding door. Jimmy scuttles up and turns around to see Steve standing on a street corner, looking shifty

Jimmy the Cameraman: What are you doing, Steve?

Steve: ...Nothing

Jimmy the Cameraman: Come on! What crazy, insane, and possibly illegal job do you do?!

Steve pulls a bunch of balloons out of his overcoat

Steve: I...sell balloons..

Jimmy stands there before laughing loudly

Jimmy the Cameraman: You..sell..balloons?

Steve: I'm a nice, calm, collected guy..

Jimmy the Cameraman: Oh my god! You're a balloon seller?!

Steve: Hey, my Mustang tells me i'm doing a great job!

Jimmy the Cameraman: That is so lame! Mustangs are so old!

Steves eyes twitches and he lets out a hulk-like yell before charging at Jimmy


Steve picks up Jimmy in a never-before seen feat of strength and hurls him into the top floor of the mechanics workshop where the sound of drilling and screaming is heard, followed by large hissing

That Random Guy: AH FUCK!!!

That Other Random Guy: WHATS UP UP THERE?!




Steve: :)


As the clock struck 1, the mechanics all rushed out of the workshop to eat Lunch. That Random Guy and That Other Random Guy rushed out to see That Hispanic Guy walking down the street clutching a chicken sandwich

That Random Guy: Mmm..chicken..

A Gekkou slowly walks over and looks down at That Hispanic Guy

That Hispanic Guy: My sandwich! NOT YOURS! MINE! BACK PUTO!

The Gekkou towers over the 3 mercenaries and lets out its animalistic sound, towering directly over That Other Random Guy

That Other Random Guy: Well then, It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum, it seems i'm all outta gum!!

The Gekko looks down at him and dribbles green liquid onto him

That Other Random Guy: .....That's nasty!

That Random Guy: Ooo...Gekkou goo!

That Hispanic Guy reaches for his bullwhip, but the Gekkou raises a foot above him, he rolls his eyes and stops

That Other Random Guy: So how do we beat this one?

That Random Guy pulls out a Rugby ball and throws it at the head of the Gekko. The Gekko collapses backwards instantly. That Hispanic Guys jaw drops.

That Hispanic Guy: But--that was just--and you--

That Random Guy shrugs and picks up the Rugby ball

That Random Guy: What can I say? I was a rugby player back in the days. It obviously recognized my awesomeness and collapsed

Wakka: Or it could be tha tiny pieces of chaff attached to it and tha fact you hit the machina in its sensory unit, brudda?

Silence. All 3 of them turn to the tall-haired, muscular Blitzball player from Final Fantasy X, Wakka.


Wakka: What?


Wakka: Yeah, I'm not supposed tah be here, big deal!

Silence. That Random Guy reaches for the Rugby Ball at his hip. Wakka stares into his eyes and reaches for the Blitzball at his hip. A tumbleweed randomly rolls along the sandy streets.

That Hispanic Guy: Ho shit! A showdown!

That Hispanic Guy and That Other Random Guy quickly run into the Lamb and Flag, which has randomly turned into a Saloon, running in through the swinging doors. Crying Wolf, wearing a busty, purple-silk burlesque dancers outfit with large peacock feathers in her hair, stands outside the Lamb and Flag

Crying Wolf (Thick American Accent): Oh gawd! It's a showdown!

Phil walks outside, blinking

Phil: What the hells going on?

He looks down, noticing he's wearing leather chaps, black waistcoat, a gunslingers belt and cowboy boots with large silver spurs on them.

Phil: Cool.

Frank wanders out, wearing suspenders, pants and a tatty white shirt, clutching a large jug of rum

Frank: Itsh a showdown!!!

Everyone watches from the window, randomly wearing cowboy attire. Wakka stares at That Random Guy, who's chewing a toothpick.

They slowly reach for their balls.

That Random Guy quickly grabs his ball and hurls it, the same time Wakka hurls his ball. Both men get hit at the same time, and both fall to the ground, knocked unconscious.

Phil: Darn-tooting! It was a tie!

Phil throws his hat to the floor. The whole Saloon explodes in whooping and six-shooter fire, before a huge blue flash appears. The town is back to normal, and only That Random Guy is lying on the floor. That Hispanic Guy runs over to him.

That Hispanic Guy: *BEEP*, are you ok-- Oh god..Eww..nasty..he's choking on his tongue..eww...EWWW!!

Frank: What the fuck ish going on?

Frank turns to Dick, who's suddenly grown a pencil-thin curly moustache and is polishing the sides of rum jugs

Frank: o.O...


As night rolled into the mercenaries home, the morons rolled out to The Lamb and Flag or the Half Moon. The 2 drinking spots were the highlights of the town, and typically attracted a huge amount of attention. In the top floor of the Lamb and Flag, That Random Guy was pulling on a cheap three-piece suit in his room. That Hispanic Guy entered his room wearing a silk purple suit

That Random Guy: Does this suit make me look fat?

That Hispanic Guy: Of course not!

That Random Guy: Thanks *Beep*!

That Hispanic Guy: Your face does.

That Hispanic Guy laughs and quickly runs out as That Random Guy hurls a lamp towards him. That Other Random strolls downstairs and stands in the middle of the staircase. His eyes slowly scan the packed bar. He walks down the stairs and sits at the bar on a stool next to a Praying Mantis PMC Trooper

PMC Trooper: I am sho depreshed..

That Other Random Guy: Really?

PMCTrooper: All we do ish have camo appearances..And we die!! DIE!!

That Other Random Guy simply shrugs

That Other Random Guy: You're not as cute as the FROGs, either

The PMC Trooper roars in rage and looks at the ceiling......then collapses to the ground drunk. Moe the Midget walks along, climbs onto the troopers back and onto the stool

Moe: Hey, *BEEP*!

That Other Random Guy: Hiya Tiny!

Dick: Umm..don't, *BEEP*?

That Other Random Guy: wh--

Moe jumps onto the bar and smashes That Other Random Guys head off the counter, sending him to the ground with a broken nose

Dick: Nice work Moe, his nose squashed like a tomato!

Moe: No problem Dicky, now get me a pint!

That Hispanic Guy strolled down the stairs and looked around, grinning to himself

That Hispanic Guy: Alllright..People..

He walks over to a table where Will, Frank, Bob, Laughing Octopus, Steve and a hooded figure were seated

Will: Hi *Beep*!

That Hispanic Guy sits down and looks at the figure

That Hispanic Guy: Who's he?

Steve: Phil! It's just *Beep*!

The figure pulls his hood down to reveal a shifty-eyed Phil

Phil: I swear to God if she sees me, I'm taking you all down with me!

Bob: It's ok Phil, Octopus is the only--

The door of the bar flings open and a tired-looking Crying Wolf walks in. Phil quickly pulls the hood over his head.

Frank: heard about Snake?

Will: ..Yeah, Why?

Frank: I heard one of our mercenaries accidentally shot at him, so he's going mad and killing them!

Will: Ahhh..crap.

Phil: Shall I go get him?

Bob: Now why would you want to do that?

Phil turns his head slightly and watches as Crying Wolfs eyes scan the room, looking depressed. She sees the hooded figure and tilts her head.

We see the view from under Phils hood. The sound of a steady heartbeat. Wolf tilts her head further and steps towards the figure slowly. With each step, Phils heartbeat starts getting quicker and harder. She reaches the table, and his heart starts thumping rapdly. She grabs the hood and pulls it down, grinning insanely. Phil flatlines. The view collapses onto the floor.

Frank: Oh fuck! He's blue! He forgot to breath!

Frank starts giving CPR Chest Massages to Phil.

Wolf: French Kiss of Life!

Wolf leans down and kisses Phil roughly, passionately and with sloppy tongues. Phils eyes shoot open and he starts choking. Wolf breaks the kiss and he shoots up onto his seat, clutching his seat. Bob shrugs

Bob: Seriously..why would anyone want to confront a legendary hero?

Phil, breathing heavily, stares at Bob

Phil: Because...I welcome death!

Crying Wolf bounces up and down, clapping her hands giddily

Crying Wolf: Hi honey!

She pulls a seat next to him. Phil starts smacking his head off the table.

Steve: Poor guy, the only reason he's standing is because where there's pain, there's life..

Phil looks up and grabs a bottle by the neck


Crying Wolf: Phil! Be nice or you won't get to see..these..

She points to her chest and Phil gives a sarcastic laugh

Phil: Oh sex, I guess i'll just have to live..

Laughing Octopus snorts and Wolf shrugs

Crying Wolf: How are you doing Occy?

Octopus: Great..trying for a baby..

Wolf: Ohhhhhh!! Good luck!

Bob gives a cocky look, raising his eyebrows. Frank looks at him and laughs.

Frank: It's the beginning of the end of your life. Don't sugarcoat it.

That Hispanic Guy smirks and Octopus scowls. That Random Guy walks down the stairs, sitting at a table with Samoa Joe, AJ Styles, Chuck Liddell, Sal and Vince

Samoa Joe: Hi guy..

Sal: The irony is a killer here.

AJ Styles looks sideways at Sal

AJ Styles: o.O

Sal: Don't make me hurt you, AJ.

AJ pouts and returns to drinking his pint of lager from a straw

That Random Guy: So...what's the plan for tomorrow?

Chuck Liddell: Well, I have a fight to go to which should pocket me enough earnings to buy every one of you.

Samoa Joe: Me and AJ have a TNA show to go to where we will get a big enough to paycheck to buy this bar!

Vince: Snakes killed quite a few fellow mercenaries, remember Mike?

Sal: Yeah?

Vince: Well, when he said he was ready to die, he wasn't joking, trying to take on Liquid Ocelot in the battle of the quick-draw

That Random Guy: Wasn't he the one with the gold watch?

Sal makes a mental note

Sals brain:, you say? That should get me some money from Drebin!

Sal: Indeed!

The table looks at him

Sals brain: You said that out loud, idiot!

Sal: Sorry..

That Random Guy: So this is our life away from the actual story? Looting bodies, drinking, eating and sleeping?

Vince: Good life, isn't it?

That Random Guy: Damn straight!

They hi-5 as That Other Random Guy finally gets to his feet and stumbles towards the door. He walks out of the bar, and looks at where a spotlight is shining on a copy of Playboy

That Other Random Guy: Alright! PORNO!

That Random Guy: No, *BEEP*! It's a trap!

That Other Random Guy runs and skids on his knees towards the magazine

That Other Random Guy: Mmmm...boobies..

Snake pops out of a nearby alley, wearing black facepaint, and starts to choke him

That Other Random Guy: GAAAACCKK!!!

Snake: You should have never fell into my trap!

That Other Random Guy falls back slightly, but Snake twists him so his body faces the floor and squats over him choking him. Frank looks up and chokes on his pint, pointing frantically


Snake: No i'm not!

Wolf looks out the window

Wolf: come you never do that to me?

Phil remains silent

Wolf: I bet you could--

Phil gives her a seething look

Wolf: Don't act like you don't enjoy it!

Phil: Because it's not acting!!!!

That Random Guy pulls out a bottle and throws it at Snake who dodges it asThat Other Random Guy turns blue

Sal: He should NOT be turning that colour!

Snake looks around and quickly turns on his Octocamo, dropping That Other Random Guy and running into the alley. That Hispanic Guy gets up from his table and runs outside

That Hispanic Guy: *BEEP*? Why did Snake go?

Screaming Mantis floats above a building behind That Hispanic Guy. That Other Random Guy looks up, gasping for breath

That Other Random Guy: Umm..*beep*..Behind you..

That Hispanic Guy: I CAN HEAR YOU!!

Screaming Mantis simply hovers over him, casting a huge shadow

That Hispanic Guy: Oh bugger.

She screeches loudly and That Hispanic Guy pulls out his bullwhip

That Hispanic Guy: Comos deas, bitch!

She simply hovers by over him, screeching loudly

That Hispanic Guy: Has the writer lost it? What is going on?

That Other Random Guy: THAT!!

The whole bar is at the windows now, watching as 6 Gekkous stand in the middle of the street

Steve: Ah monkey poo.

That Random Guy runs out


The Gekkous turn to face the noise and start slowly walking towards them. The bar watches intently as That Other Random Guy holds up that Random Guy in front of him

That Random Guy: Pardon my French, *beep*, but you're an asshole.

That Other Random Guy: I know.

2 Gekkous slowly inch forward until a smash is heard and one of them collapses. Johnny Cash lands in front of them with a broken guitar

Johnny Cash: I knew you guys needed some help, so I brought in..

Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr. walk out of an allety, wearing their famous tuxedos. The rest of the Gekkous walk forward

Crying Wolf: Who are they?

Phil looks at her in disbelief


Sal: My God..The Rat Pack..These cameo appearances just get better and better!

AJ Styles gives a small whimper and Vince slaps him

Vince: Shut up AJ! The Rat Pack is infinitely better than you!

Dean Martin: Let's show these guys how we did it in our day..

Frank Sinatra pulls out a tommy gun and starts riddling two Gekkous with bullets. Dean martin climbs up onto one and starts smashing his microphone deeper into its head. Sammy Davis Jr. simply stands there

Samoa Joe: Why is he just standing there?

A Gekkou stomps forward and Sammy Davis Jr. stares at it until it collapses into pieces

Phil: The Sammy Davis Death Stare!

Another Gekkou runs forward and smashes into That Other Random Guy before That Hispanic Guy pulls out his whip and trips up the Gekkou. That Random Guy climbs onto its back, pulls open its back panel and tears out random wires. That Other Random Guy comes to.

That Other Random Guy: I stood in front of a light which was attached to a hella lotta metal..

That Hispanic Guy: That's a Gekkou, *Beep*, you're not supposed to stand in front of it, and you're supposed to FUCKING MOVE WHEN IT CHARGES YOU!!!

Samoa Joe jumps down from a roof top and grabs the Gekkous neck in a Coquina Clutch

Samoa Joe: TAP BITCH!!

Sal: Wait a sec--

AJ Styles jumps from the roof too and lands on a Gekkou before hitting it with a Styles Clash

Vince: DAYUM!

One Gekkou tries to run, but Dean Martin swings his microphone and hurls it, striking the Gekkou on the head and causing it to fall to pieces. The last Gekkou tries to stumble off, but Sinatra simply riddles it with bullets until it collapses and sets on fire.

Frank Sinatra: Can we return to the Heaven bar now?

Johnny Cash shrugs and they disappear in a blue haze

Sal: Phenomenal..

That Random Guy shrugs and looks at his watch

That Random Guy: We still have time for a pint in the Half Moon, what do you say?

That Other Random Guy: Yeaahhh..

That Hispanic Guy, That Random Guy and That Other Random Guy walk towards the Half Moon in the distance

That Other Random Guy: So we finally have a happy ending!

Behind them, Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin are dragging a Gekkou in the net

Gekko: Grreeehhh...CREEEHHH!!!

Sabin: Shut up cuntface!

Shelley: Hey, Sabin, what do you think it's saying?

Sabin: Probably calling for its Mommy!

They laugh until a gigantic Gekko lands down

Sabin: Ah bugger.

Shelley: You are one..ugly..motherfucker..

The camera turns black.

Suddenly we hear the sound of footsteps and the camera turns back as we see Frank walking across the sandy streets, looking around

Frank: Ahh...A happy ending!

He pulls a pint out from inside his jacket and cackles loudly. He turns around and falls back


Screaming Mantis towers over him with her arms folded and her lips curled into a cruel smile

Screaming Mantis: Frank..Where have you been?

Frank: Where do you think? I was at the homeless shelter!

Screaming Mantis: How many pints today?


Screaming Mantis crouches down and brushes her coal-black hair out of her face

Screaming Mantis: How are you still alive?

Frank: Where there's pain, there's should know that by now

Frank gives a small smile and Mantis reaches forward to slap him, but instead she grabs his foot and stands up, starting to drag him across the sands


The camera fades to black