Friday, 26 June 2009

Metal Gear Mercenaries - The Morons Of Shadow Moses - Part II - Into The Base

They look around the tank hangar and sigh, Lynch, Phil, Frank and Steve huddle together, talking to eachother. Bob and Billy walk over to the Sherman Tanks, checking under them to make sure everything is alright. Dean and Karab share a friendly slap on the shoulder and an energetic talk. While Mr. Dibbley waddles in, chirping slightly. The mercenaries a giant khaki Sherman tank situated in the middle of the looming hall, staring ahead at the door. An explosion sounds from in the distance outside, and a guard runs in


Dave: ...What?


Frank: Won't the Government retaliate?

Guard: SO?!

Silence. Mr. Dibbley waddles in.

Guard: PENGUIN!!!

Mr. Dibbley: Of course, sir.

Phil: We're going to die

Bob: ._.


Phil: Bollocks.


The guard runs back into the Alaskan cold and Dean and Karab slide the blast doors shut, shutting out the cold

Dean: Well, Gentlemen: We are dead.

Frank: Meh..I could see it what's up around here?

Billy: Well, weapon storage is on the 2nd basement floor, 1st basement floor is holding cells, 3rd floors for radioactive dumping. Sherman Tanks stationed here, Vulcan Raven came by, told us if there’s confirmation of an intruder he’s taking it out for a spin.

AJ Styles: Isn't that a little dangerous?!


Billy: Oh fucking christ. AJ Styles?!

AJ Styles: I’m the decoy!

Frank pats him on the back

Frank: Yes, AJ,, have this:

Frank hands him his SOCOM pistol. AJ takes it and growls, baring his teeth



Karab: Great. Give the crazy one the gun.

Dean: In Franks defence, we're all the crazy ones.

Karab: Ah! Touche!

One guard, who is patrolling the angular, winding walkway which borders the edges of the room above them stops and leans over the metal railing


The mercenaries mumble and scatter around. Frank shoulders his FAMAS rifle and heads up the metal steps. Phil and Steve stand guard beside the Sherman Tanks, while Billy and Dean patrol the outside of the room. Karab and Bob stand guard around the elevator. Frank finds himself walking past the guards as he listens into their conversation.

Guard 2: I moved the DARPA chief to the holding cell in the 1st floor basement

Guard 1: What about the vent shaft cleaning?

Guard 2: They're about to start spraying for rats

Frank: Why?


Guard 2: Because if the rats get sucked into the generators, it creates an awful mess and could send this base to hell..oh, and, new dude, if you and Zeta team are going to give a quick patrol to B1, keep an eye out for the woman in the cell, don't get careless now--

All: Woman in the cell?!


Guard 2: YES! It's a frickin' woman!

Dean: Sweeeeet---

Guard 2: SHUT UP!! Anyway, look out for the intruder

All: Intruder?!

Guard 2: He's done 3 people

Frank: AWW!!

Bob: SICK!!

Dave: NOOO!! GOD NO!!




Guard 2: I mean, with a sword!

Steve faints, Phil vomits and Billy falls to the floor twitching. Frank looks up to the sky

Frank: Oh sweet merciful mother of God!

Mr. Dibbley falls to his knees/flippers and looks up

Sal: Oh sweet Mother! Save us from such wretched evil!



Billy: Continue!

Guard 2: He's using stealth, too

Bob: You mean the god-awful film starring--

Guard 2: What are you on about?

Lynch walks to Bob and slaps him around the head


Bob: Sorry!

Phil: Stealth. Great. He's invisible.

Frank: Hey! We really ARE gonna die!

Guard 2: Anyway, you!

He looks at the guard he was originally talking to, whose eyes bear a striking resemblance to someone whom the mercenaries have encountered..

Guard 2: Go increase security detail on the chief

Guard 1: Okies.

The guard runs down the stairs and clicks the elevator

Young Black Mans Voice: I'm comin' boy!

Frank: DREBIN??!!

Lynch: FRANK!!!

Frank: AJ?!?!?!

AJ Styles: DEAN?!?!?!?!

Steve: STEVE!!!!


Lynch: Shut up!!

Guard 2: Look, things would be best if you gave Jonny some back-up..God knows he needs it..Besides which, there are various patrols who come in here, meaning--

Frank: We get the drill!

The mercenaries fail to notice the form of Solid Snake army-crawling along the floor on his stomach, to underneath the tank nearest the elevator. Karab and Bob walk away from the elevator, and Snake reaches for his gun, but they walk past him, looking up at the guard and Frank

Mr. Dibbley : Perfectly fine with me.

Karab: I think it’s a good decision.

They don’t notice Snake slowly inch towards the elevator and stand up, clicking the button.

Young Black Mans Voice: Woah! Hold it! I’m coming!

Dean: Karab! Dude! Stop fiddling with the elevator!


Karab: I'm not...

Guard 2: SNAKE!!

They turn around, exclamation marks appearing above their heads. They cry in pain as this happens, rubbing the tops of their heads

Steve: Owww..

Lynch: Like trying to pass a big dump through your brain..

They procrastinate too much, and Snake quickly slides into the elevator and the door shuts. The mercenaries simply stare


Frank: Sure. Let's roll out!!

Phil, Karab and Frank hop over the balcony and rush towards the elevator. Dean and Billy rush over to it quickly and push the button. Bob, Karab, AJ Styles and Mr. Dibbley walk backwards, aiming their guns at the main room. Lynch gets on one knee and sweeps under the tanks

Lynch: CLEAR!

Bob and Karab: CLEAR!!!

Young Black Mans Voice: Wassup guys?

They all slowly pack into the elevator, literally shoulder-to-shoulder. Billy, Karab and Bob are squashed into the side, while Lynch is sitting on the top of them. Frank tries to free his arm

Frank: Dibbley! Stop flippering me!

Mr. Dibbley: I’m...stuck..old..BEAN!

The guard sighs and walks over, leaning in and pushing the B1 button before leaning back

All: Thanks guy!

The elevator goes down and stops, revealing several concrete rooms dotted in rows of 3 along the white-tiled floor

Elevator: Now at B2


Frank tries to press B1, but Dibbley lunges forward, pressing the button with his beak. The doors close and the elevator goes down.

Elevator: B3!

Mr. Dibbley: Elevator?

Elavator: Mmhmm?


Dean: Move it, ya bum!!

Bill: C'mon!!

AJ Styles: MOOOVE!!!

The elevator goes up

Elevator: Tank Hangar

Guard 2: Oh God..I knew we shouldn’t have taken the offer from Frank Sinatra--

Mr. Dibbley pounds the control panel with his beak

Mr. Dibbley: B1!!! B-FUCKING-1!!!

Elevator: Now going to the Beauty And The Beast Unit timewarp

Frank: NO! OH GOD NO!!

Phil: Press back! PRESS BACK!!


Billy: AH FUCK NOOO!!!

Frank hammers the B1 button and the elevator stops

Elevator: B1.

Phil: Perfectamundo

They take a few steps forward before a loud farting noise rips the air

Dean: Wasn't me.

Karab: Who smelt it, dealt it!

Dean slaps Karab on the arm

Phil: You don't think it's--

Steve: He WAS in the 1st game..

Bob falls to his knees and looks up



Back in 2014 with Laughing Octopus in bed scrambling up from underneath the covers

Laughing Octopus: Huh? What the? I'm trying to sleep dammit!!


Ocelot is busy tying Kenneh Baker to a metal column, attaching C4 around him

Revolver Ocelot: What you say?


In real life, TNA stops in the middle of a match between Scott Steiner and Samoa Joe

Samoa Joe: Bob? That you?

The crowd starts a slow 'Bob' chant





Snake is busy crawling through a ventilation shaft near them, but stops

Snake: What the hell?


Johnny Cash puts down his poker cards and stops playing Poker with the Rat Pack

Cash and The Rat Pack: Mercenaries? Alive?


Rage Against The Machine stop practicing in the studio

Morello: Hey..Rocha..its Bob..

Rocha: A new song!! For mercenaries!! We shall call it..'Renegades..OF FUNK!!'

Wilk: We already did tha--



Chris Sabin stops raiding a body in 2014 and looks around, grinning

Chris Sabin: 1969 MERCENARY DUDES!!!!!!!!!!!!!


The entire Lamb and Flag stop drinking in 2014 and raise their glasses

Dick Head; TO BOB!!





Dave: Touchy much?


The mercenaries drag a screaming Bob through to the Lvl. 1 door

Lynch: Anyone got a key--

Dave pulls out his SOCOM and blasts the control panel, making the door fly open

Dave: Game, set, motherfucking match!

Lynch: On me, Men!

Them: Okies.

Lynch walks forward, but AJ stops him

AJ: Decoy will handle this!

AJ walks into the holding cells, only to be greeted by two more faces

Mercenary 1: Oh, Christ! AJ!

The mercenary removes his mask to reveal another friendly face....

Frank: BILL!!

Bill: Hello Frank..

Phil: Look! Bit parts!

Bill: Fuck you Phil..we’ve been stuck in this coridoor FOREVER, guarding a psychotic female prisoner, a weird male prisoner, with a smell thats killed the plants!

AJ: All clear!

A second mercenary turns around and faces them, looking at AJ. He is immediately recognizable by his immaculately coifed hair, combed moustache, and purple silk one-piece army gear with a white leather combat vest

Mercenary 2: Oh for Gods sake.. You guys are cramping my style. White was SO last season? And Khaki guys? Hello! NOT SPRING!

Lynch shoves Will to the side. Phil walks in and hacks loudly, stepping back and covering his noise. Steve sniffs the air and falls back, putting his hands on his knees, doubling over and retching. The door slides out and a genome soldier walks out, hitching up his pants

Soldier: Bill? Will? Reinforcements?

Bill: Yes.

Frank: We were told that you needed extra help.

The Soldier stands on his tiptoes and looks at the several mercenaries and the single penguin behind him. Steve is picking his nose, while Dean is trying to light Billys farts

Soldier: You guys are so green!

Phil: We are now! FUCK!




Phil retches more and the lighter in Deans hand explodes as the smell hits it. He coughs, his face covered in ash and his eyebrows on fire. He screams and turns around, running into a wall and collapsing

Karab: He does have a point. I mean..we’re not exactly experienced..

Frank: Karab, we fought a psychotic female robot unit, battled bipedal robots, took part in a destruction derby, got beaten up by cage fighters and took part in bar fights for you to say THAT?!

Karab: But, we don’t have any experience fighting in Alaska!

Phil: It’s just the same you idiot! Pull the trigger, shoot the asshole, bada-bing!

Soldier: It’s more than just shooting! You need tactical smarts!

The mercenaries look at him and laugh loudly, oblivious to the sound of a vent hitting the floor and a small thud in the DARPA Chiefs cell

Lynch: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh you’re such a goddamn useless fucking moron.

Frank: Look....uhh..

Soldier: Jonny.


Frank: ..Jonny...Sasaki?

Jonny: Yeah! How’d you know?!

Bob falls to his knees, looking up at the sky

Bill: Haha!

Jonny: Look..guys..I don’t need this many reinforcements!

Steve: What if a prisoner breaks out?

Jonny: A pri--What? That’s ludicrous!

Will: Yeah! We make a great time! I bring the looks! Bill brings the firepower! And Jonny brings the....uhhh...

Will turns to look at Jonny

Will: Smell.

Jonny: OI!

They hear banging on the wall and commotion in the Chiefs cell.

Mr. Dibbley: That the DARPA Chief?

Jonny: Yes!

Billy: Heard of the intruder?

Jonny: YES!

Lynch: Fancy checking the cell ya buffoon?!

Jonny begrudgingly turns around, only to be thrown over the shoulder of a red-haired woman and into a wall. She stares at the mercenaries.

Woman: .......Boo.

Sal, Will, Dean and Bill scream, turn around, run into the wall and knock themselves out.

Frank: Whatever..FREEZE!

Frank, Lynch, Mr. Dibbley, AJ Styles, Will, Steve, Dean, Karab, Phil, Dave and Billy aim their FAMAS assault rifles at the female

Prisoner: .....Oh

Frank: Back to your cell!

Prisoner: Fucking asshole

Lynch: NOW!

The prisoner runs backwards and into her cell, slamming the door

Phil: Well done Fr--Hey, you hear that?

Sounds of screaming and moaning from the DARPA Chiefs cell.

Bill : He’s probably just messing with us

Frank walks over to the door and punches it

Frank: SHUT UP!!

Silence. Sound of a thud.

Frank: That showed him.

Dave: Wow..congratulations Frank

Frank: pfft..All I did was shut--

Dave: On helping kill the first character in MGS.

Frank: Whatever...

The mercenaries gather around the DARPA Chiefs cell

Will: Whats going on?? I don’t like change!!!

Prisoner: FREEZE!!

They turn around and see the female prisoner dressed in Jonnys guard clothes and balclava, pointing her FAMAS at them

Frank: Yeah! But we outnumber you!

Several guards rush in, pointing their guns at the prisoner. the mercenaries look at the prisoner and then the guards

Steve: Stuck in the middle with you-hoo!!

Phil: Uhh..guys..if I die..can I not be buried in the same graveyard?

The prisoners gun shakes slightly and the Chiefs cell opens. He stares at the mercenaries


Frank: Guys..if we shoot Snake..MGS4 won’t happen..No Unit..No future..No nothing..

Brick: There’s only one thing we can do.

Phil: No Unit means we shoot Snake?

Lynch: I’ll second that.

Frank: GUYS!

The mercenaries slowly back away from Snake, dropping their FAMAS to his feet. Snake looks down at the pile of guns and at the mercenaries, a neutral look on his face. Frank drops his FAMAS to his feet and raises his arms, walking away.


The mercenaries sit against a wall after Vince drops his FAMAS onto the pile. Frank flips the bird at the guards

Frank: Fuck y’all.

The guards aim their guns at the mercenaries, but the prisoner and Snake starts firing. Several guards start to spin around, falling to the floor. The guards focus their fire towards the prisoner and Snake. After the first wave of guards subside, another wave enters

Dave: This Tetris or something?!

Snake turns to the prisoner, releasing the clip from his SOCOM and sliding another in, the female guard keeping a wary eye on the mercenaries


She aims the gun at the mercenaries, who scream, but Snake grabs the barrel and pushes it to aim at the door

Guard: Don’t talk to me like i’m a rookie!

Snake: I’m telling you! SHOOT!

Another wave of guards enters, and the prisoners sprays them with her FAMAS, making them collapse violently to the floor. One guard peeks in, and Dave grabs his pistol from his holster and shoots him between the eyes, making a brain splatter on the wall behind him and making the guard slide down the wall

Frank: Dave! That was unnecessary!

Dave points the gun at Frank


Frank: NO!!!!

Dave breathes out and holsters the gun

Dave: Damn right..

Dean: Dave, you puss--

Billy: Shut it ya sassenache swine!!

More guards walk in, some on their own. Each one of them is sent to their graves by the shooting of the prisoner and Snake. Snake pats his gun looking for a clip, and Phil reaches into his belt, sliding him one. He grabs it and loads it, starting to shoot again. One of the guards enters and faces the mercenaries, but Frank pulls out his Desert Eagle and shoots him in the neck, the force sending his head shooting off and smashing against a wall. The mercenaries watch as the last guard falls and the blood pool gets larger. Will scoots away

Will: Ewww..oh god..oh god..its getting closer..ewww...EWW!! SCARLET WITH PURPLE CLASHES!! EWW!! NO!!

The prisoner stares at the mercenaries. They simply raise their arms. Snake slowly inches towards them

Snake: Are you with the government?

Frank: No..we’re privately contracted military..mercenaries..except we’ve splintered..formed our own unit!

Snake: So..why are you guys here?

Brick leans in

Brick: Frank, if he finds out, does it count as tampering with the future? Cause I don’t wanna go back to a future where I have tentacles for arms!

AJ leans in

AJ: Same here..

Karab leans in

Karab: Nor me--

Frank: Shut up!......We’re here to look over you, Snake.

Phil: Wooooooo--

Frank slaps Phil

Phil: Ouch! You fucking asshole!

Snake: You soldiers aren’t meant to be here, are you?

Brick: Not even a little

Meryl: So who are you? CIA? FBI? SAS? Green Berets? Did Roy send you?

Vince: Whats a Green Beret?

Brick: So help me i’ll hit you, Vinnie!

Vince: Seriously guy!

WIll: It’s a special unit from Britain specialized in infiltration and silent elimination

Frank: Yeah, and who here’s British, eh? Scone eating tea drinkers..

Phil punches him in the face. Frank clutches his head


Phil: A punch all the way from Middlesbrough, England.

Bill grabs Frank and punches him in the gut

Bill: A punch all the way from Virginia!

Silence. They stare at Bill.

Bill: The South SHALL RISE AGAIN!!

Billy leans over and headbutts Frank

Steve: All the way from Aberdeen!

Frank: OK! OK!

Billy: Fucking fatass Yankee.

Prisoner: Well..You morons..

She turns the mercenaries

Prisoner: You..

She turns to Snake

Prisoner: ..Thanks for the help!

She quickly darts out of the door, having lingered around the foul-smelling, blood-pouring bodies of the blue armour-clad balaclava-wearing guards

Snake turns to the female prisoner

Snake: WAIT!!!!

He chases after the prisoner, and Will watches the sway in her walk

Will: Mm..must be jelly cause jam don’t shake like that!

Frank slaps him around his ear and grabs his FAMAS, standing up and following Snake out. Phil, Dean, Karab and Lynch follow as the other mercenaries recuperate in the small make-shift prison. As Snake reaches the prisoner, she clicks the elevator and points her FAMAS, repeatedly shifting the barrel and sights to Snake and the mercenaries. Karab quickly raises his shield high and protects the brunt of the mercenaries, causing the prisoner to aim fully at Snake.

Snake: Who are you?!


AJ: Anyone feel chilly?

The mercenaries, and presumably Snake, look above the prisoner, mouths wide open. Will walks out, stares at the figure and faints. Above the prisoner, wearing a dirt-brown trenchcoat and a tight-fitting Army issue Gas-mask with orange tinted lenses is none other..than Psycho Mantis.
Steve walks out and stares at the form of Mantis, grinning and waving. Mantis rolls his eyes and Steve skips over to the huddled mercenaries

Steve: Guys! He’s with us!

Mercenaries: Ssssshhhh!!!

Lynch: Listen here, braindead. Snake will shoot us if he finds out we’re cavorting with the enemy, capiche?

Silence. Steve blinks. Snake keeps standing there as Mantis waves his fingers delicately, instilling thoughts into Snakes brain. The mercenaries watch, bewildered. Mantis notices and sighs.

Mantis: Retards..

He flickers his fingers and instills the flashback into their minds too.........


We cut to a scene in a small room. A large lamp, with 7 round lights, shaped near like a plughole, is beaming down fluorescent light on a crude metal structure. 5 figures surround it. Psycho Mantis and Liquid Snake in identical trenchcoats are immediately recognizable. The next recognizable figure, albeit in the same, dirt-colour leather dustcoat, is the form of Revolver Ocelot. Behind them, in a small tan trenchcoat, grey pants and black leather shoes, smoking a cigar, is Jericho Kingston, another mercenary. Next to him stands the bald-headed and scarred Crazy Ivan Hellgenstrand, wearing a trenchcoat identical to those worn by Liquid and Mantis. In front of them, we can barely make out the form of the DARPA chief, his hands and legs restrained in 4 catches of this torture device, giving him a spreadeagled appearance. His head is lowered, indicating his loss of life, his pressed white shirt and silk tie showing drops of blood which dropped from his mouth, his brown pants stained with blood, his black shoes scuffed and torn.

Liquid: You fool! You’ve killed him!

He turns to Ocelot angry. Ocelot simply looks at him, rolling his head nonchalantly

Ocelot: I’m sorry, sir.

Mantis breathes in, the eerie sound of the almost-mechanical breathing filling the room

Mantis: His mental shielding was very strong..I could not dive into his mind

Liquid unfolds his arms, stressed

Jericho: Oh boo-frickin-hoo. Can’t we just ask an acquaintance?

Mantis: Jericho..are you assuming that the Chief came in with a friend?

Jericho: Damn straight.

Liquid groans, rubbing a black leather-gloved hand across his face

Liquid: Now we’ll never get that detonation code!

Ivan: KABOOM?!?!

Jericho jams a syringe into Ivans neck and presses the plunger. He sighs and slumps forward. Mantis slowly turns his head to Liquid

Mantis: Boss..I have a good idea..

He gives the slightest of nods

Jericho: Is it something to do with torture, cause Ocelot clearly fails--

Ocelot turns around and punches Jericho in the face. Jericho falls backwards but grabs a chair from under the desk, lifting it and smashing it over Ocelots head repeatedly. Mantis flings his arm back, and Jericho and Ocelot are pinned to the wall as the flashback finishes.......


They come to, andf the prisoners fires randomly at Snakes feet. Snake quickly jumps backwards into Karabs shield. Karab steps in front of Snake, shield raised, but Snake pushes him away and steps forward slightly. The prisoner fires rapidly and randomly, causing Snake to quickly run behind the mercenaries and dive behind the cover of the prison-cells door.

Will: Ahhh! Pussy!

Snake glares at Will, but quickly at the prisoner, who simply rushes in to the elevator and shuts the door. Before it shuts, she removes the mask, revealing ruby-red hair and a smart, chiselled face with beautiful brown eyes. Snake stares, with Will staring above his head, AJ above Wills, and Bill above his

Bill: Woah! She’s hot!

AJ: Mmmmm! Nice ass!

Will: She’s out of your league, losers!

Snake walks out of the doorway and Bill and AJ collapse on Will. Will shoves them off and walks around the doorway . Sal, Brick, Vince and Bill follow them out of the door, finally, Mr. Dibbley slides forward on his belly, followed by Karab and Billy. They stand there and Snake watches the elevator, giving a small tut of frustration. Psycho Mantis flickers in front of them all and flips the bird at Snake and the Mercenaries. Mr. Dibbley jitters loudly and waddles around

Mr. Dibbley: I believe Mantis was here!

Mr. Moneypennies:: Sheeeeeit!!!!

Mantis appears again, and Snake aims his gun at him. The mercenaries simply look at Mantis


Sal turns to Snake

Sal: Oi! We play Poker with this guy!

Steve: Hi Mantis!

Karab: Hello!

Lynch: Whats up, dude?

Mr. Moneypennies: ‘Sup?

Mr. Dibbley: Cheerio governor!

Brick: Wassup bud?

Mantis: Hello! Remember guys, the Poker night starts tomorrow at Ten!

They all mutter excitedly amongst themselves, but Snake cocks the hammer on his SOCOM

Snake: WHO ARE YOU?!?!

Mantis breathes out heavily and looks at them

Mantis: Good girl...Just like that

Mantis vanishes instantly, and Snake slowly lowers his gun, getting on one knee and switching his Codec. Lynch turns to the mercenaries

Lynch: Ok guys..So far, so good. Frank, you’re bloody incompetence came in useful. We’re holding the fort, and it damn well looks like we are not gonna rip a hole in the space-time..thingy

AJ: That a good thing?

Frank: It’s a very good the Armory!

Karab: Why?


Frank: We need to follow to make sure Snake doesn’t die..ok?

Mr. Dibbley: That is a paramountcy for sure.

AJ: Yeah....Paramountcy! Yeah! Weird word!

Sal: Top priority..

Karab: Can we arm up there, then?

Silence. Frank grins.

Frank: YES!!!

Loud cheering and whooping. Snake stands up and walks to the elevator. He turns and clicksthe button, staring at the mercenaries

Snake: Boo.

Dave: Wanker.

Snake flips the bird and the elevator door shuts, vanishing from view. The mercenaries click the slides on their weapons and load their magazines into place

Lynch: Mercenaries! To the Armory!

Frank: HOOHA!

Bill: YEEHAW!!

Mr. Dibbley: SPIFFING!!

Robbie: RIGHT ON!!



The mercenaries and AJ Styles walk forward and click the button. The elevator pings andfloats up to them, the doors opening. They pack in and Frank clicks the button. The doors shut.

Elevator: To B3

Frank: Ahhh..

The elevator slowly starts to go down

Sal: So..anyone want a Tic-Tac?

Phil: No thanks, bud

Dean: Ahh...

Silence. Shuffling. Farting noise.

AJ: My bad.

Lynch swings the butt of his FAMAS back and hits AJ in the crotch. AJ squeals loudly and collapses forward. The elevator stops and the doors open. In front of them is an identical looking, large room, with steel floor panels and steel covering on the wall. Directly in front of them, however, is an obese guard eating from a foil packet, behind him is a shelf lined with dozens of radioactive toxic waste barrels

Guard: Wor!! Did na request reinforcements!!

Lynch steps forward, and the guard drops the packet

Guard: Damn..Dropped the Phall!! Were reet nice that too!


Maurice: Wor lads! Great ta see y’all!

The mercenaries step forward, and the elevator doors shut. Maurice kicks the packet behind him and shoulders his rifle, walking towards them and saluting

Lynch: Smoglin? Things alright?

Maurice: Aye, perfect sir!

Silence. Sound of bubbling.

Sal: What the--

Bill: Oh..shi--

A shadow falls over them, and the sound of roaring. The mercenaries turn around and the huge-skeletal form of a creature stands above them, it’s skull resembling a horses, scraps of chicken and spicy hot Phall sauce hanging from its bones


Will: WHAT IS THAT?!?!

They all step backwards, pointing their guns at the monsters

Dean: I-i’s the Phall beast! Half monster, half insanely hot, but delicious, Indian curry!

Mr. Dibbley; This could be the end!

Lynch: I...OH GOD!!

AJ Styles: MOMMY!!!

Before Snake even faces Revolver Ocelot, our mercenaries must fight hell in the form of a 10-foot vindaloo curry beast! Can our mercenaries survive the Vindaloo monster? Can they protect Snake? Join us next time, as our mercenaries encounter not only more of their friends, but the cool Revolver Ocelot, Rage Against The Machine driving a Sherman Tank, Impossible infrared lasers, and a crazily psychotic cyborg ninja! This and more to come, soon

Friday, 12 June 2009

Metal Gear Mercenaries - The Morons Of Shadow Moses - PART I : Welcome To The Suck

The bitter Alaskan blizzard pounded ferociously at the supposedly derelict island. Off the coast of Alaska, it was surrounded by bitterly cold waters which could kill the average human being. No-one could get in simply by swimming, and thanks to the heavy defences, spying helicopters and boats were easily dealt with.

The island...none other than the haunting, snow-covered mastodon off of the Fox Arpichelago: Shadow Moses Island.

Date: February 2005
The rogue unit of FOXhound, rebelling from the United States Government during a Training Exercise, with their own special forces unit, has captured the base to both hold a place for the ultimate weapon, and to use this very weapon as a bargaining tool for the body of Big Boss.
But why?
Big Boss: The supersoldier. Leader of the old FOXhound. An acclaimed spy who arguably single-handedly brought an end to the cold war by destroying the Shagohod, the American defector The Boss, and General Borisovitch Volgin. This very soldier became a mercenary, heading his own mercenary army called Soldiers Without Borders. This very man would then mastermind none other than Outer Heavan, a group bent on turning the world into a mercenaries paradise. Big Boss was quickly stopped twice by his own "son", Solid Snake.

It was now by the job of one unit to, in a sense, revive Big Boss's talents to create unstoppable soldiers. FOXHound: Led by Liquid Snake. One of three clones of Big Boss. Liquid Snake was given the recessive genes, and is considered to be the genetically inferior of the three. But why do they want the genes of Big Boss? To re-geneticise Liquid Snake?

The guards: The Genome Soldier project. The project is used to create genetically superior soldiers for FOXhound in their bid to recreate Outer Heaven: A world entirely consumed by war. A soldiers paradise. A world where soldiers and mercenaries can thrive. Big Boss’s Legacy.

But little does Liquid know that the SS Enterprise, led by formerly-retired Col. Roy Campbell of the old FOXhound at the request of the Secretary of State Jim Houseman, has just launched a pod through the icy abyss to the docks of Shadow Moses

The pod holds one man:

Solid Snake.

But the problem with the Genome Soldier Project is...some of the soldiers haven't even been enhanced in the first place.

Unless you count time travel away from horny robots and Samoa Joe.

I doubt you do.
The sound of flowing water echoed throughout the dull grey docks of Shadow Moses. Metal containers containing genetic material and metal scrap were scattered across the cold stone floor. 2 guards, sporting FAMAS assault rifles and grenades, wandered around. They all had the same standard white uniform with black combat vests holding their equipment, none of them wore the standard issue cotton mask one would expect, but rather, Russian Cossack Hats. As one of the guards patrolling the outer sections of the titanic metal shipping crates stationed upon the concrete, the other met up with his patrol. They quickly huddled together, trying to recover from the bitter wind.

Steve: Why are we even here?

Phil: Not for a party, that's for sure

Steve: But I likeh the party.....

Phil: Yeah well, the cakes gone and replaced with a nuclear-capable robot

Steve: That's some cake!

Phil: Some say it isn't even a cake at all! Either way, we gotta keep our cover and wait until we can go back to 2014 with those nutjobs

Steve: Ah..Beauty and the Beast Unit...

Phil: The very same

Steve: Why do you hate them so much?

Somewhere from the surface, a loud yell is heard:

Phil: That's why..Poor Bob will never be the same again!

They quietened down, hearing a fizzing sound

Steve: Did you hear that?

Phil: Hear what?

Steve: That fizzing sound?

Phil: Ssh!!

They hear the sound of a submerged fart, and the sound of bubbles

Steve: Aww..that's nasty..

Both of them walk through the middle of the lines of containers in the huddle. They look down over the copper metal barrier and into the green depths of the water below

Steve: See anything?

Phil: No..but what the fuck is that smell?

Steve yells out and clutches his nose


Phil sniffs up and faints

Steve: PHIL!

Steve pulls the walkie talkie from the back of his combat vests belt, but accidentally drops it into the water. As Steve grabs Phils walkie-talkie, he fails to see the figure wearing a steel-gray sneaking suit and an oxygen mask sneaking past behind one of the shipping crates

Steve (Into walkie-talkie): Who copies?

Voice: ME!!!!

Steve: Coach Lynch, we have a problem, someones come into the docks! Phils down!

Lynch: Shot?

Steve: Worse..EGGY FART!

Lynch: For fucks sake! Pull your heads outta your asses!

Phil slowly sits up

Phil: I'm...ok..i'm..fine...

Steve: He'll live!

They quieten some, hearing the echo of footsteps, and the squeaking of a sneaking suit being adjusted

Steve: Someones in here!

Phil walks slowly through the containers

Phil: MARCO!!!

Gruff voice: Polo.

Phil screams and runs back into the mini-huddle


They quickly step back in a huddle and watch as a figure crawls from under a large structure and stands up, wearing a tight gray sneaking suit

Steve: ...Oh my God!

Phil: WHAT?!

Steve: It’s Mr. Dibbley!

Phil: It clearly isn’t. It’s clearly Solid Snake pointing a gun at our heads. See?

Snake raises his SOCOM and clicks the hammer.

Phil: Oh, I see.

The figure turns towards them

Steve: Lets do what real mercenaries slash guerillas slash random guys do!

Phil: Kill him?


They quickly run and slide behind a large container. Phils head peeks out and Steves head peaks out above his

Phil: I think he’s gone..

They quieten again as they hear the clunking sound of the elevator rising

Phil: Sunnuva bitch is going up the elevator!!!

Lynch: Come in faggots, that's Solid Snake..don't kill him!!

Steve: Yeah....GET HIM!

Both of them run at the elevator, it starts going up slowly, but they jump up and grab onto the edge


They brace themselves as the first of many steel support beams colliders with their heads on the way up
On the surface, a youngish man with flowing blonde hair and wearing a long brown trenchcoat with black leather gloves stood in front of a towering Russian-issue Hind-D gunship helicopter, surrounded by guards and the criss-crossing bright neon spotlights from the steel catwalk above, one of them catches the back of him, obscuring him from the view of the guards, giving him an even more sinister appearance: Liquid Snake

Liquid: I want you ALL to guard this place! I know he's coming!

Another mercenary, but maskless and hatless, stands in front of him, ruffling his nose and handlebar moustache

Frank: Who?

Liquid: My brother!

The chiselled figure of Coach Lynch, now actually wearing a standard white-army uniform his men are wearing, walks by and sneers

Lynch: Aww..bros paying you a visit?

Frank: My bros a bastard, he always wedgies me--

Liquid: Shut up and just guard this place...Stop him getting in!

Frank salutes him

Frank: YUSH SIR!!!!

Liquid rolls his eyes and climbs into the Hind-D. The unmasked guards run away from the

Helipad as the Hind-D lifts off noisily and jettisons over the edge of the building

Frank: I'M SO ALONE!! alone..alone..

He looks around at the blizzard and his echoing voice makes him sigh

Lynch: So am I i i..

Dave: You guys aren’t!

Heartfelt piano music is heard as Dave the mercenary runs through the blizzard with his arms spread open. It stops instantly as Lynch points his rifle at him

Lynch: One more step and i'll blow your freakin' arms off

Dave steps back slightly, but immediately stands frozen

Dave: Frank..behind you..

Frank turns around, coming face to face with Solid Snake

Frank: SNAKE!

Snake: ...Who are you?

Frank: Me, Frank!! Remember? We meet in the future?

Dave blinks

Dave: Is it just me, or did that make absolutely no sense whatsoever?

Frank extends a hand, but Snake punches him in the gut

Frank: Bad decision!

Frank doubles over and Snake shoves him away

Dave: You don't remember us?

Snake pulls out a pistol, Dave screams and runs away. The figure of a penguin appears

Mr. Dibbley: TALLY HO!!!!

The penguin waddles forward and jumps onto its stomach from a small bank, sliding towards Snake wearing a pair of aviator goggles over his eyes. Snake looks bewildered and simply sidesteps as Mr. Dibbley keeps sliding

Mr. Dibbley: Oh no!

Mr. Dibbley slides into the elevator shaft and a crash is heard, followed by several moans of pain. Sanek simply walks on, unphased by the sight of a goggle-wearing penguin. Frank looks up and sees 2 pairs of hands and a pair of flippers latching onto the edge of the elevator hatch. He watches as 2 bodies and a penguin hoist up and roll into the snow

Steve: I think i'm dead..

Phil: Definitely not our best decision..

Steve: I can taste pain!

Phil: That's just blood..

Mr. Dibbley: I say, old bean, I can see the pearly gates..

Steve: me too..they’re probably..real..

He groans and his leg twitches. Frank and Lynch sigh and walk over, Frank kneels beside them and Lynch simply looks down at them

Frank: You guys are the absolute end..

Lynch: You guys really are that fucking useless--

He listens as he hears gunshots in the distance, followed by a large scream. They turn behind them and watch one of Liquids standard-issue Special Force Genome guards fall forward, clutching his groin


Awkward silence.

Frank: ...That's just sick!!

Laughing Octopus (From other realm): But soooooooo arousing

Phil: SHUT UP!!!

Frank: You heard that too?

Steve slowly stands up, along with Phil and Mr. Dibbley, not paying attention as the guard is shot in the head, staining his mask scarlet red and falling over the railing, hitting the floor with a bone-shaking crunch

Steve: It's amazing, it's like there is still a connection between us and them, meaning--

Frank: Don't say it

Steve: Say what?

Frank: I am not crossing the path of Samoa Joe ANOTHER FUCKING TIME!!

Steve: Well, it is possible--


Another mercenary, shivering from cold, and maybe even some fear, walks beside them, heavy bags under his eyes

Phil: Yes, that also means THEY could appear, especially since Shadow Moses appears in MGS4 too..


Lynch: Can we just get on with the story?

Steve: Yeah..

Phil, Frank, Steve, Coach Lynch, Mr. Dibbley, Bob and Dave rush over to the large red blast doors. Lynch stops in front of the dead Genome guard, a large pool of blood soaking into the pale snow.

Lynch: Faggot.

He taps him with his foot and joins the group. They scan the blast doors.

Mr. Dibbley: No way he’s getting in there, old beans!

Phil: Won't there be vents?

Frank: Vents..

Franks brown eyes scan across the snow-blasted giant steel wall. He looks up to underneath the metal grating of the awning, before looking back down, seeing a small, lightless patch surrounded by footprints and a large indentation in the snow. he gets on one knee and examines it

Lynch: Finished, Sherlock?

Frank: Foot..prints..

Phil, Lynch, Mr. Dibbley, Steve and Dave follow them before walking headfirst into the steel wall. Frank looks into the vent andpoints out the feet of Snake crawling into the vent.

Phil: What a dumbass! STEVE! The honours to you!

Steve grins and pulls out a grenade from the side of his combat-vests belt

Steve: You're dead, Snake!!

Steve throws a grenade in, but Snake throws it out

Lynch: You moron, you forgot to pull the pin

Steve pulls the pin and throws the pin in. He grins, but looks at his hand and screams


Steve starts juggling it in the air like a hotcake.


He quickly rolls it into the vent, they all give a quick sigh of relief, until it rolls back out


Lynch boots it back into the vent and they all dive backwards. Nothing after 5 seconds.

Frank: Are you telling me it was a DUD?!

Mr. Dibbley: A DUD?!

The mercenaries all gather around the vent. Steve leans down and looks into it

Steve: He's going into the Hangar!!

Frank: Thank God, then


Steve: That's bad! They have weapon storage there!

Phil: But not nuclear storage?

Steve: No!

Phil: That’s good!

Steve: But weapon storage! As in THEY HAVE TWO FUCKING SHERMAN TANKS THERE!!


Frank: OH MY GOD!!!

All: WHAT??!! WHAT?!

Frank: I found a penny

Frank leans down and picks up a penny on the concrete

Steve: Ocelots there too--


All: HUH?!

Phil pulls out a lolly shaped like Jesus on the cross and starts sucking it

Steve: And Mr Baker of Armstech, the company that made Metal Gear--

AJ Styles: OH MY GOD!!

Bob: ._.

Awkward silence.


AJ Styles: I have absolutely no idea, again! It's like, always happening!

Lynch: This is BEYOND ridicolous! I’m just gonna shoot you.

Lynch aims his rifle at AJ, who raises his hands

AJ: Woah woah! I can help too, guys! Who was a former TNA Heavyweight and X Division Champion?!


Mr. Dibbley: Fire at Will, I always say

Lynch: Assholes not here. AJ will do.

AJ Styles: No! Guys! I can help you! I can be a....uhhh.....decoy!

Silence. Nodding around the group. Lynch growls and lowers his rifle

Lynch: get ONE chance. You mess up, they’ll be shipping you off in a small box!

AJ: Ok ok!

Frank: Look, can we just go?!

Silence. The sound of the hangar doors opening is heard.

Frank: Ok, we're going in.,...we're going in...

Dramatic music plays as the red hangar doors open, revealing the cold concrete interior. 2 large tanks are situated inside the hangar as well as large metal boxes stacked in piles. 3 guards clothed in khaki Special Forces uniforms with black combat vests, black leg holsters and black woolen balaclavas stand in front of them, FAMAS assault rifles raised, one holding a shield in front of the other 2. They look at them before sighing and taking off their balacalavas to reveal 3 more of our mercenary friends: The rugged, stubbled and slightly-scarred Scotsman Billy, The chiselled, young kebab shop owner Dean and his nigh-on brainwashed Indian manservant all the way from the past-princely state of Hyderabad, Karab

Billy: What took you guys so long?

AJ Styles: I dunno--

Billy: ....Oh for the love of God..

Karab: This is messed up in the head for sure!

Frank: I thought you guys would know?

Dean: Well, there was something fishy when...

Dean side-steps and reveals Slash sitting on top of the Sherman tanks turret, smoking a cigarette

Steve: This is awe-inspiring!

Phil: Steve, are you insane? This isn't awe-inspiring. It isn't even inspiring in a suicidal sense. It's fucking bollocks!!

Slash: Why so heatin' man? I just got teleported here from nowhere

Phil: I ain't heating..but YOU'RE FREAKIN' SLASH!!!

Slash: And?



Slash: Wait..bye guys

Slash disappears in a haze of blue light

Bob: Did I see what I thought I saw?

Silence. They turn to Bob, who now has colour in his face and the bags under his eyes are gone

Phil: BOB! You're alright!!

Bob: Yeah...I just hate being invaded by tentacles..It’s a hottie beneath those tentacles too..and I'm getting r---

Phil: We don't want to know, Bob, we had our own problems back in 2014

Steve: Like, when you had sex willingly with Crying Wolf?

Phil: I didn't know willing sex included kicking, screaming and gunshots. Even in the beauty form, it followed the same pattern. That and the sugar glider getting involved.

Frank: Don’t forget the insane one!

Phil: Courtney too

Steve: -.-

Dean: Well, come in guy! It's fucking freezing out there!

Frank: You try patrolling out there for 3 days before anything happens!

Phil: At least you weren't at the docks

Steve: There were evil things at the docks! Like evil sharks!

Phil: There weren't sharks! It was dolphins!

Steve: I swam with them, and they tried to eat me!

Phil: Well, the water is probably radioactive from the bases waste!!

Steve:.. Wha-T?!

Phil: Never mind, let's get in here

The guys from the outer base patrol finally walk inside, with Vince slowly crawling in and leaning against a wall. The huge red doors shut with a huge thunk.

Billy: Welcome to the suck

Lynch: AGAIN?!

Screen fades.

As the story progresses, so does the progress of our poor mercenaries! Meeting with some more of their buddies, our dunderheads encounter Psycho Mantis, butt-swaying guards, A smell which killed the plants, Elevator Drebin and a Killer Vindaloo! Will they survive? Will they become more insane? And who will Lynch throttle? Find out next week!