Wednesday, 24 December 2008
Phil stays asleep
Phil snores and Wolf jumps on the bed
Phil screams and scrambles for his Colt on his bedside table, falling out of bed and smashing his face off the floor.He groans and pulls himself up
Steve and Wolf: IIIIIIIT’S CHRIIIIIIIISSSSSSSTTTTTMMMMMMASSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!
He looks at the clock: 4:51am
Phil: Go back to sleep..
Will opens his window, revealing his hair in curlers
Will: WILL YOU TWO KEEP IT DOWN?! SOME OF US NEED OUR BEAUTY SLEEP!
Steve leans out of the bedroom window
Will: CHRISTMAS!! OH MY GOD!! GET THE STREET UP!!
Frank slowly walks into Wills room, half unconscious, baggy eyed and only wearing boxers
Will: OH MY GOD!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?!
Frank: Turn on the light!
Will scrambles and switches on the light. They both scream and cover their eyes
Frank: TURN OFF THE LIGHT! TURN OFF THE LIGHT!
Jon bangs on his window and flips it open
Jon: Keep it down guys! Some of us are trying to sleep!
Brick: It’s Christmas man!!
Jon: OH MY GOD!! CHRISTMAS!!
Jon scrambles up in bed and switches on the lamp on the bedside table
Jon: Christmas?! Oh my god! Get up! We’ll see what Santa left us!
Phil is now fully awake. He stands next to Steve and looks out the window. Dave pulls up the window and leans up, looking down the street. Sal, Brick, Billy and Vince are looking at them from their houses bedroom.
Vince: What the--The lights?
Sal: It’s Christmas time again!!!
Vince: OH FUCKING YES!!! GET UP YOU BASTARD!! PRESENTS!!
Sal scrambles out of his bed and knocks over his water, diving to the foot of the tree and hugging a red present with a gold ribbon
Sal: MY BABY!!!!!!
Billy hops over Sal and grabs onto several wrapped boxes, laughing madly
Brick: Wow..the maturity levels just reached an all-time low
Vince: WET WILLY!
He spits on his finger and jams it into Bricks ear. Brick screams and dances around, swiping at his ear
Vince: YOU SICK FUCK! THAT WAS A LOOGY!
Down the street, the mechanics are awakening in El Chopshop Grande
Johan: What up?
Bobby: Hey! Johan! Merry Christmas!
Johan: Christmas! Phil tell me! Good time of year! Happy celebration fun!
They both run downstairs into the main garage where a tree made of nuts and bolts is erected with several presents underneath
That Hispanic Guy scrambles out of his bed and kicks open the door, running down the stairs of the Lamb and Flag into the pub, followed by That Other Random Guy
That Other Random Guy: presents presents presents presents!!!!!!!!!
Dick falls out of his folding bed and scrambles up, sliding it into the wall and putting some bottles back
Dick: huh--we--open--wha? CHRISTMAS!!
Tom Morello dashes in, wearing long pyjamas and still carrying his guitar
Morello: OH! A JOYOUS TIME!
That Hispanic Guy looks at Morello
That Hispanic Guy: You sleep with that--
Morello: YOU HAVE A PROBLEM?!
That Hispanic Guy: No! No no no!
Obese Maurice runs down the stairs
Maurice: CHRIMBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! MOE!!! GET YO ASS UP!!!
Moe starts hopping down the stairs
Moe: Christmas? Already?
The door to the Lamb and Flag flies open, and the camera pans to El Chopshop Grande where That Hispanic Guy, That Random Guy and That Other Random Guy have stormed into. Bobby the mechanic slides the door open, peering out happily
Bobby: Wow...everyones up!
A large blue portal appears and Johnny Cash, wearing a santa hat, peers through it
Bobby: What the--
Cash: You didn’t see anything!
He quickly vanishes. Dean wakes up in the flat above his kebab shop and falls out of bed
He slowly gets up and opens the window, looking out at Sal, Vinces, Billys and Bricks house, where Billy is unwrapping his present
Billy: BELLS WHISKEY!!! BUT HOW??!?!?! TO HERE?!
Sal taps the side of his nose. In his kebab shop, Karab, Deans bubbly Indian friend and co-owner, and Dean turn to their own Christmas tree, kneeling next to it and picking up the present from Steve
He unwraps it to reveal a solid gold Bowie Knife
Karab: You like?
Dean slices through the air and grins
Dean: IT SLICES! IT DICES! IT LOOKS THE SHIZZLE!
Karab grins and nods. Dean hands him a golden key
Dean: Karab! Your Christmas gift...IS THE KEBAB SHOP!
Karab: OH MY GOD! MR. WILKINSON SIR!! OH MY GOD!!! HOW CAN I EVER RE-PAY YOU?!?!?!
Dean: I live rent-free in the above apartment.
Meanwhile, Johan walks out into the cold street, wearing a brand new beanie hat with his brand new accessory belt
Johan: Johan going to cry! Johan happy at gifts!
Maurice stumbles into the streets, bawling loudly as he carries 10 cases of SoBe
Maurice: THERE IS A GOD! THERE IS A GOD!
Will answers his cellphone as he trims his moustache with he sterling silver scissors Dave gave him
Moe The Midget is on the other end, wearing a sharp black tuxedo
Moe: Oi! Thanks for the gift Will! Now I look good without having to repeatedly wash and dry shit only for a tight fit!
Will: Everyone deserves to look good Moe! Have a Merry Christmas!
They both put the phone down at the same time
Moe and Will: Owwwwwwwww!
Steve hands Phil a box wrapped in gold paper and he rips it open
Phil: Oh..Steve! It’s beautiful!
Phil pulls out a large silver-plated pistol and looks down the sights, clutching it tightly
Phil: You heightened the sight! Makes it easier to aim manually! Eliminates the need to use one-eye!
He pats the handle and feels the cartridge
Phil: The handles been modified to allow large cartridges in! But the normal slides end up being lighter! The hollow handle allows minimum kickback and lighter hold!
He pulls back the slide
Phil: The slides whittled down too, so its not as chunky! The grooves make it easier to grip, and the hammer is extra grooved to make it easier on the thumb!
He examines the trigger
Phil: The triggers been modified to make it lighter and easier to fire! THIS IS THE ULTIMATE WEAPON!
Steve, who has half-fallen asleep, wakes up and grins
Steve: Knew you’d like it!
Phil hugs Steve and ruffles his hair
Phil: Fucking sweet dude! You even got me cartridges! Now open mine!
Steve rips open his present in record time to reveal a DVD of ‘The Good, The Bad and The Ugly’
Steve: My favourite film! Oh Phil! Sweet!
Phil: That ain’t the end Steve!
Phil hands him a photo, and Steve examines it.It’s a large truck with the words ‘Mercenary Energy’ in big blue letters on it with a silver AK
Phil: I hijacked a truck load of Mercenary Energy for ya! MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Wolf: And me Phil?
Phil looks around. Silence.
Phil: Don’t tell anyone..
He hands her a small box covered with a red ribbon. She opens it and gasps loudly
Wolf: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Steve: What? What’d he get you?!?!
She pulls out a sterling silver watch with several charms attached to it and clips it onto her wrist, admiring it
That Hispanic Guy, Will and Dave are latched to the window
Dave: Hey look! Phil has feelings! Let’s tell everyone!
Phil: NO! BACK YOU FUCKERS!
He rolls up a newspaper and advances, causing them to scream and run away
Wolf: Oh..wait! Something else!!!
Phil: Something else?
phils brain: You don’t remember?
Wolf was scrambling through the wrapping paper curiously
Phils brain: You were so drunk on christmas spirit....and on Guinness..that you wrote a slip saying ‘I.O.U one of whatever you want’.
Phil: .....Oh. Fuck.
Phils brain: Yup...you can just stop and guess right now, buddy boy.
She crawls close to him and whispers in his ear
Wolf: You always know what i’ll pick..
Phils brain: Not only did you dig your own grave, you shot yourself! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Phil grabs a ball of wrapping paper and jams it into his ear
Phils brain: OW!!
Jon and Brick are sitting in their flat above the Dog and Handgun,, surrounded by wrapping paper. Brick stares down at his new stockpile of M80 firecrackers and grins
Jon: Oi! No no no! Those are for mission use!
Jon: Now feed Mr. Moneypennies!
Brick cheers and claps his hands rapidly, wandering over to a brand new glass-tank where a baby anaconda is slithering about, staring up at Brick with bright eyes
Brick: Ooo Mr. Moneypennies! I bet you’re hungry!
Brick opens a drawer and a mouse wanders in from a hole in the back. Brick grabs it and slides off the top, dropping the mouse in and sliding the lid shut
Brick: EAT INTO THE CASKS NOW MOTHERFUCKER!!
The anaconda pounces on the mouse and squeezes it tightly, biting it repeatedly
Mr. Moneypennies: That’s right you fucking mouse! Don’tcha even move cause I will bite yo ass to fucking hell, beeotch!
Brick: I can’t believe he talks!
Jon: Yeah..found him near the reactor! He’s only a baby yet he talks!
Mr. Moneypennies: Yo, Brick dude, thanks for the mouse!
He burps out a mouse skeleton and Brick gives the thumbs up
Brick: FUUUUUUUUUUUCK YEEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Jon grabs his brand new Dolce and Gabbana wash kit and goes into the bathroom. Laughing Octopus looks out of the window, wearing a new golden watch. Bob walks into their room, clutching two tentacles close to him
Bob: Wow honey! Great present! I HAVE MY OWN TENTACLES!
Laughing Octopus turns to him and smiles, posing with the watch
Laughing Octopus: How do I look?
Bob: Like a queen!
Octopus pounces on him. That Hispanic Guy walks down into the pub of the Lamb and Flag, wearing his poncho from Johan with a hispanic pride in his eye.
That Hispanic Guy: Bueno!
That Random Guy walks into the streets wearing gold-leaf boxer shorts Will bought for him. Dave parts the curtain, and stares wide-eyed at it, coughing out eggnog
He quickly draws the curtains. Frank runs into the street with the crates of whiskey under his hand, weeping loudly
Frank: OH GOD I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!
Phil watches from the bedroom window with Steve
phil: Y’know, I think I had a nightmare about this once.
Steve: The end of the world caused by drinking?
Phil: I always thought Frank was taller in the dream..guess the armageddon isn’t picky
Morello runs down the street, cackling loudly at his new silver guitar
Morello: MY BABY! I LOVE MY BABY!
Phil: Yeah, get ready for judgment day
Will walks out of the door and looks around the street, his moustache waxed and buffed and wearing a sapphire coloured suit with matching tie, black dress suit and blue leather dress shoes. He looks around as Raging Raven walks out of the Dog and Handgun, carrying a bundle of new clothes over her shoulder
Will: HEY! RAVEN! YOU LIKE?!
She grins and gives the thumbs up
Will: I know..I look good..
Billy walks out of his, Sals, Vinces and Bricks flat, carrying a new sabre
Phil leans out of the window and Billy unsheathes the sabre
Billy: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!
Phil gives a thumbs up and grins. Vince puts on his new pair of sunglasses and hops into his bright red Ferrari Enzo, looking at the steering wheel
Vince: THANK YOU SAL!!!
Sal walks out, wearing a tuxedo and a monocle, holding a crystal carafe filled with Armagnac
Sal: And thank you Vince! Where on earth did you get the carafe?!
Vince: I stole it from H. Samuels! They wanted three-thousand quid..I got a five-fingered discount! Hehe! But SAL! THE FERRARI!
Sal: Ahh..don’t mention it!
Vince: Anyway, heard they’re preparing christmas dinner down in the square, ready?!
Sal climbs into his Bugatti Veyron and starts up the engine violently
Sal: YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!
Frank walks into the street, dressed in a white shirt, black tie, jeans and cowboy boots where a huge line of tables has been set-up, covered in red paper and decorated with countless plates, crackers, candles and tinsel adorning the chairs
Dick: Looking good boss Hog!
Frank: Phil got me the boots..Apparently he killed the snake himself!
Dick: That would explain the slash marks..and the blood
Frank: Ahh..So..whats up? Ready?
Dick: Well, a few guys are cooking some shiut up to serve..we have to serve quite a lot of people, y’know!
An huge red stream of liquid fires out from the door of Frank, Bob, Dave and Wills flat and smashes the windows of the opposite, abandoned flat
Dave: CABBAGE IS READY!!
The windows are blown out by a huge stream of red wine
Octopus: Mulled Wines brewed!
The roof of Phil and Steves flat flies off in a mess of sage and meat
Phil: We got the stuffing balls!
Several popping sounds are heard as smoke rises
Steve: And the chestnuts!
Phil: Which AREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE ON FIRE!!
Wolf: GET THE EXTINGUISHER!!
Loud popping sounds are heard as blackened shells fly into the air.
Wolf: ...Chestnuts are done!!
A poisonous green gas floats out of the Dog and Handguns windows, causing Dick to hack and cough violently. Tom Morello walks into the streets and immediately collapses
Jon: Brussell Sprouts done!
That Random Guy: Brussell Sprouts....so it IS Christmas..
Dick: Shut up! You’ll eat them! Now go check on the turkey! And get ready ya scruffy git!
That Random Guy trudges off, wearing only boxers and socks into the Lamb and Flag. That Hispanic Guy walks out, wearing a gold and black suit with matching sunglasses
Frank: Heyyy..looking good!
That Hispanic Guy: Yeah, we’re studs!
Johan and Big Bad Bobby walk out, each wearing large tuxedos and carrying a tray of stuffing balls with a gravy boat the size of a window on it. They set them down on the table
Johan: Where turkey?
Phil: Yeah, but we got a joint of beef in our oven!
Phil appears, wearing an electric blue suit and army boots
Frank: Wow Phil...looking good!
Phil: Thanks scruffy!
Frank: Oi! I’m the leader, I dress how I want!
Will: Yeah! If he wants to dress like a cowboy hobo, let him!
Will appears with his sapphire-coloured suit and with Raging Raven by his side, who was wearing an emerald green suit practically identical to Wills
Phil: Wow, looks like the whole Units getting plucky. This is the first time you’ve been with a woman, ain’t it Will?
Will: 2nd time, jackass..
Dick: And you forgot to count several hundred one night stands
Will: And that’s why they call me Studlin..but I got a good feeling about ol’ Raven here..she’s a pip..
Raven blushes and smiles
Raven: And I got a good feeling I won’t be killing Will..
Phil, Frank, Dick, Johan and That Hispanic Guy: Damn.
Will: SHUT UP YOU HATERS!!
He hisses at them and they wave it off, starting to place tablemats and crackers on the table. That Random Guy rushes out, tucking his shirt into his dress pants with a silver tie flailing wildly
That Random Guy: Turkeys tanned!
Dick: Ok! We’re almost ready!
Johan: Oh! Reminder! Bobby! I check pork!
Dick: 3 meats?! Sweet!
Johan rushes into the chop shop as That Other Random Guy surfaces, wearing a white shirt, red tie and black dress pants with leather slacks
That Other Random Guy: ..Damn! Everyone gets the dress jackets but me!
Dean walks out, laughing and wearing a sterling silver suit, walking like John Wayne, every step squeaking
Dean: Sorry *Beep*..but you is SLOOOOOOOOOW!
That Other Random Guy flings back his hand and smacks Dean in the crotch. Dean cries out and collapses. Will runs over and points to Deans whimpering form
Tom Morello comes to, kips up to his feet and points at Dean
Zack De La Rocha walks on by and grabs Tom in a headlock, dragging him down the street. Steve walks out, wearing a bronze-plated suit
Phil: GO STEVE! LOOKING GOOD!
Steve: Thanks! *Beep* got me it!
That Hispanic Guy stands there, grinning
That Hispanic Guy: You’d love to see what else I can do with illegally-stolen cars!
Steve: Kinda hard to sit down though
Frank: I can only guess..
A Bugatti Veyron and Ferrari screech up the sandy street and handbrake turn, skidding at angles to a halt underneath the awning of an abandoned building. Sal and Brick step out of the Bugatti Veyron, wearing blue tuxedos
Frank: That just screams ‘retentive git’
Will: Damn Frank! I was gonna say that!
Vince and Sal slowly walk towards the table, before looking back at the Ferrari
Sal: What’s keeping you both?!
Billys voice: I can’t open the door!
Sal sighs and pulls out a spare set of Ferrari keys, clicking a button and watching as the door slides open in the butterfly effect. Billy and Vince look out amused and step out
Sal clicks it again and the doors fall shut. Vince and Billy rush over
Vince: My car! AWESOME!
Frank: Looks like Sal dived into his families fund again..
Sal: Technically, it’s mine. I helped my Dad run those factories, so naturally I became the heir, and received a small amount!
That Hispanic Guy: And if your father dies?
Sal looks up proudly
Sal: I inherit two-hundred billion!
They all fall back slightly, gasping
Phil: OH MY GOD!!
Sal: Anyone could inherit it if--
Sals brain: Don’t be stupid. The next words out of your mouth better be ‘They buy two hundred factories’
Sal: They buy two hundred factories!
The mercenaries moan and kick the sand, cursing
Sals brain: I owe you an idea!
Dave walks down the street, dressed in the attire of a military general, complete with helmet and medal strips on his breast
Dave: T’was my fathers, who kicked severe ass in both World Wars, kicked ass at Falklands, kicked ass at the Gulf and was a basic ass-kicker extraordinaire!
That Random Guy: ..How OLD was he when he died?
Dave: Died last year. Crashed his motorcycle trying not to spill his beer.
Dick: FREAKING AWESOME!!
Frank: Practically everyones here, just waiting for the last few stragglers..
Crying Wolf and Screaming Mantis walk down the street, carrying trays covered in foil, and both strangely wearing tuxedos
Will: Seems like everyones wearing a suit!
Wolf: I find them..much more comfortable
Mantis places her tray on the table
Mantis looks at him
Mantis: Not in public..
Will runs over and puts his arms around both of them
Will: Ooooo? Something going on between the two leaders of the two units?
Frank and Mantis throw their fists back, punching him in the face and knocking him out
Dick: But there is, isn’t there?
Frank: Let's have Christmas dinner!
Obese Maurice walks out, wearing a huge green suit. He looks down at Dean and grabs him, lifting him straight onto his feet
Dean: Thanks Maurice
Maurice: No problem lad, just remember to guard the crotch at all times or ya will end up on the street kidda!
Moe the Midget wanders out, wearing a tuxedo
Moe: Wow..everyones doing great!
Jon walks out, wearing a yellow suit and carrying two casks of whiskey. Frank stares at him and falls to his knees
Frank: Sorry...carnal instinct
Sal: You’re insane!
Jon: Thank god I left the Guinness at home!
Phil: Sorry, forcive habit..
Brick comes out with Mr. Moneypennies wrapped around his wrist
Will: Nice snake, Brick
Mr. Moneypennies: Thanks my son! You look fine yoself!
Will: Thanks snake dude!
Karab: A talking snake...whatever next?
Maurice: Ya saying that when we’ve had a murderous robot unit, Slash, The Rat Pack, a blue portal and Samoa Joe?!?!??!
Maurice clenches his fist and pulls it back, but ruffles Karabs hair
Maurice: You picky shit.
Dick: IS EVERYONE DONE YET?!
Brick: Yeah, I think we’ve got everyone..
John, Jim, Jimmy and Bill walk down, wearing tuxedos and accompanied by several PMC troopers
Jimmy; Hi guys!
Phil: NOW it’s Christmas!
That Hispanic Guy: How are the bit parts?
Jimmy: Not bad! Just got a christmas truce like World War 1!
Praying Mantis PMC Troop: Yup! A ceasefire for some food!
Jim: Wow..smells good!
Dean: Let’s rock! Everyones here!
Cash: Not everyone!
A blue portal appears behind them and Johnny Cash, Slash, Tom Morello, Zack De La Rocha, Brad Wilk, Timmy C, Frank Sinatra, Samoa Joe, Kurt Angle, Chris Sabin, Alex Shelley, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., Jeff Jarrett and Al Bundy appear. A beam of light shines down and Chuck Norris floats down to harp music before landing
Chuck Norris: Got extras?
Dick: GET THE FOOD!!
The mercenaries yell and start to rush towards their houses.
With everyone sat at the decorated 3 long tables in the middle of the sandy street, Dick walks out out of the Lamb and Flag, carrying a large turkey in a tray with a towel. The mercenaries ‘ooh’ and aah’ as he places it on the middle table. Steve emerges from his flat carrying a tray with a huge joint of beef. The crowd cheers and bangs their forks on the table loudly as Steve places the joint on the top table. Johan walks out, carrying a whole roast pig in a huge industrial-sized tray, and places it on the bottom table to loud cheers
Dick: GRUBS UP!!
There’s a huge cheer as the mercenaries dive for the nearest plates. Steve quickly grabs the beef and hacks off several slices, flipping them randomly onto peoples plates. Phil takes a mouthful and grins
Phil: Hey..Steve..Good work on the joint!
Phil: Gravys a secret recipe!
Johan: You like pork?
Dick: Nice..succulent..how’d ya cook it?
Bobby: Half an hour over a jet engine on a spit!
Dick, Johnny Cash and Samoa Joe stop chewing, but laugh and continue to chew.
Karab: Wow..this turkeys good..
Frank: try some of this wine!
Frank downs another glass and pours some more into his glass
Dave: Trust Frank to go for the hair of the dog..
They all chuckle and Frank grins, shrugging
Frank: Break character I won’t!
Screaming Mantis: Kudos to the turkey cookers!
That Random Guy and That Other Random Guy hi-5. Obese Maurice eats his vegetables slowly
Maurice: I say, this cauliflower cheese is quite esoteric, I say you must try it Vincent!
Vince grabs a spoonful and places it on his plate, taking a forkful and putting it in his mouth
vince: OH GOD! There’s an orgy in my mouth!
Mr. Moneypennies: Oo..that turkey look nice Brick dude!
The snake slithers off Bricks arm and onto the plate, taking a huge bite of turkey
brick: Woah! Slow down Mr. Moneypennies!
Mr. Moneypennies: Ah..my shizzle dude!
Dean sits, staring at his plate of pork. He pokes it with his fork uneasily. Moe leans over with a mouth full of stuffing
Moe the Midget: You gonna eat that?
Dean: Where’s the spice? The grease?
Karab: Ah, Mr. Wilkinson sir! All food is not spiced and greased! We live a corrupt lifestyle and so must eat twice as much over Christmas to make up for it!
Deans eye twitches slightly and Jon pats him on the back
Jon: Eat up you moron!
Chuck Norris telepaths the gravy boat to his plate and heaps it onto his beef before passing it to Samoa Joe
Samoa Joe: We all got christmas at our homes..why are we here?
Kurt Angle: Don’t complain Joe! It’s Christmas! A season of good will to all men!
Samoa Joe: And mercenaries?
Steve: That’s a biggie! Don’t forget that!
Dick: You gonna make a toast, Frank?
Frank puts his empty pint glass onto the table
Phil: Toast. You know..for the brave mercenaries who went out this year and kicked some ass while being very random about it?
Crying Wolf: Yeah!
Phil: You’re not a mercenary..in fact, in the past you’ve tried to kill us!
Wolf: Oh Phil! Let it go!
Phil: Not until you apologize for crushing my ribs!
Wolf: Oh..Phil! That is so several months ago!
Will: You are so goddamn insane..
Will starts licking plate his clean
That Hispanic Guy: ...Ew
Bob is busy eating his turkey, wearing a christmas paper hat
Bob: Wow..Christmas with you insane people! Never thought it would happen!
Dave: IT IS!
Dave smashes the neck of his beer bottle over his head and starts drinking
Laughing Octopus: You know..normal people use a bottle opener..
Bob: But where’s the fun in that?
Dave gives the thumbs up
Dave: Hear hear!
Johan passes some chestnuts to That Random Guy
Johan: Chestnuts good with stuffing. Johan now like chestnuts!
That Random Guy: Here, try my roast potatoes!
That Random Guy drops a spoonful onto Johans plate. Johan skewers one on his fork and downs it in one, his eyes going haywire. He stands up
Johan: JOHAN DECLARE ROAST POTATO AS GOD FOOD!
Silence. Johan sits down.
Johan: Johan thought it would be good to hail friends food.
Al: Anyone tried the home brew yet?
Dean: Al..The Half Moon has won the best brewers award for 4 years running..besides which, Franks on his 3rd crate
Al raises his pint. The table watches.
Al: Here’s to good ol’ British Christmas dinner! Wherever the Brits go, we take our lovely customs!
Everyone raises their glasses
Everyone: Hail Britain!
That Hispanic Guy stands up
That Hispanic Guy: And here’s to the multi-ethnic cultures who form the backbone of everyone by providing hard work! AND HERE’S TO OUR COOL LANGUAGES AND CULTURES YOU PUTOS ET PUTAS!
Everyone: Hail Cultures!
Steve stands up
Steve: Here’s to breathing!
Everyone raises their glasses
All: Hail breathing!
Steve stands there, grinning
Steve: Hail breathing! HAIL BREATHING!
Jimmy stands up
Jimmy: Here’s to the spirit of no man getting left behind!
Everyone raises their glasses
Everyone: Until the going gets tough!
Billy stands up
Billy: Here’s to the most diverse force of bastards, gits, assholes, asskickers, maimers and insane people in the world!
Everyone raises their glassses high
All: Hail mercenaries!
Chuck Norris stands up
Chuck Norris: Here’s to the cameo appearances from famous people who appear to help us out, and who wouldn’t make the adventure half as fun! Or easy!
All: HAIL FAMOUS PEOPLE!
Sal stands up
Sal: here’s to us
Everyone stands up
Everyone: To us!
They all sit down, cheering, except Frank
Frank: And here’s to you all! An ass-kicking, head-smashing group of insane psychopaths who never turn their backs on anything! To a group of individuals who give a new meaning to under-dog, but fight until their bones turn to granite! To a force of people willing to fight for everything they believe in! HEre’s to us mercenaries, the unsung heroes!
All: TO MERCENARIES!!
Everyone stands up and cheers wildly. Vince starts sobbing into Sals shoulder
Vince: SO BEAUTIFUL! SO BEAUTIFUL!
Sal: it’s ok..it’s all true..
Dean, That Random Guy, That Other Random Guy and That Hispanic Guy group hug. Obese Maurice, Moe the Midget and Dick Head group hug and raise their pints. Frank, Will, Steve, Crying Wolf, Screaming Mantis, Bob, Phil, Bill and Dave all group together and hi-5. Jimmy, Jim and Bill all group together and start chatning ‘Mercenary!’. The cameo appearances are still getting on with their dinner as Al pulls out a British flag and waves it, singing the national anthem. Billy, Johan and Bobby all share bearhugs, while Raging Raven and Will start making out
Dick: NOW WHO WANTS PUDDING?!
Everyone mobs Dick, screaming at the top of their lungs
Frank sits on the steps of his flat, watching as the final lights go out. Dave walks out and pats his shoulder
Dave: How do, Frank?
Frank: Do great..give us a light?
Dave reaches into the flat and grabs a box of matches, striking one of the box and lighting a cuban cigar in Franks mouth. He takes a few puffs and gives a sigh of happiness
Frank: I love being head of mercenaries..you know that? feels like we’re a big, happy family on days like these..
Dave: That we are..hey..where is everyone, anyway?
Dave: But Bob?
Frank: Ahh..Bobs taken octopus to the lake..date, y’know..soppy crap
Dave: And Will?
Frank: Giving Raven the Studlin treatment.
Dave: Come to think of it..never saw Johan go home--
Frank: Johan and Bobby have went to the Lamb and Flag.
Frank nods and puffs the cigar
Frank: Earthy..yet woody..
Dave: Mm. Nice. And Sal?
Frank: Sals getting his car buffed..
Dave: And Phil and Steve?
Frank takes a deep puff of the cigar and blows the smoke out slowly
Frank: Steves gone for a drink at the Half Moon..but Phil..Thats the strangest thing...
In Phil, Steve and Wolfs flat, Phil slowly comes to and sits up
Phil: Oh..god..I had the worst nightmare..
He looks up, where Wolf is sitting on the bed, wearing skimpy lingerie
Wolf: Y’know Phil..you’ve been awfully nice to me lately..so I figured it wouldn’t be nice to leave you..empty handed..You go through so much pain..so much misery..gunbattles, robot battles, barfights--
Phil looks up
Phil: Death CAN’T be this busy!
Wolf: --So..get ready to strap in..and feel the Gs
Phil: I’d love to..but
He gives a fake sneeze
Phil: I’m allergic to sex..
Wolf: Bullshit, get on the bed. NOW.
Phil: Make me.
Phils Brain: Wait..SHIT! YOU IDIOT!
Wolf stands up and grabs him by his collar, dragging him up and onto the bed, pinning him down
Wolf: Ready for 6 hours of fun?
Phil: STOP! MY INSIDES ARE SHRIVELLING! I CAN’T SURVIVE 6--NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Frank hears the screams and waves it off
Frank: Go get some rest..it’s been a big day..
Dave: You too Frank!
Frank: A man needs to enjoy his cigar..
Dave pats his shoulder and shuts the door. Frank watches the setting sun and takes a deep puff again, breathing it out his nostrils
A few flakes of snow fall and he stands up, throwing his cigar butt into the street where it blows gently in the wind. He turns around--
He turns around and sees Mantis with her hands on his chest
Mantis: Baby..let’s go back to my place and get cosy..
Frank: I’d love to..but--
Franks brain: Bobs dead
Frank; Bobs dead
Mantis: I just saw him at the lake, skinny dipping with Occy..Come on Frank..
Franks brain: Fuck.
Frank: You have a flat?
Frank: Ok..this I gotta see--
Franks brain: NO! REVERSE! UNDO! ESCAPE! CITARIL!
Mantis: Sure! Follow me!
Frank stands there, dumbstruck. But he shrugs and follows her
Mantis beckons to the room of a one-room flat, decorated in pictures of unicorns
Mantis: Heh..I love unicorns..
Frank: ...THIS IS INSANE! But cute..
Mantis makes a ‘come here’ sign with her index finger. Frank turns and watches the final lights of the city go out. He smirks and turns to Mantis, who lays on her bed
He smirks and lays on top of her, slowly turning off the light as the scene fades.
All the mercenaries are in the town square, accompanied by a large band
All: Come and sing with me, proper chrimbo!
I take you for a drink with me, proper chrimbo!
Put up your Christmas tree, proper chrimbo!
So excited you might wee, proper chrimbo! proper chrimbo!
Frank rushes in front of the panning camera and holds it still on him
Frank: On the seven days of Christmas my true love came to me..
He gives the thumbs up to Screaming Mantis
A peregrine falcon, proper bo I tell thee,
She had two trainers and a beanie hat,
A new set of headphones all shining black!
I didn't sleep that night,
For Santa to come,
I wet the bed, that's what I had done,
Cos Christmas time is the place to be,
I always wake up in a puddle of wee,
With a ho ho and a silent night,
A little chipolata I'll be feeling alright
Steve rushes in front of the camera with a chipolata on a fork
Turkeys on the table, which brings a crowd!
Celebrate chrimbo I tell thee all!!!!!!
All: Come now sing with me, proper chrimbo,
I take you for a drink with me, proper chrimbo,
Hold up your Christmas tree, proper chrimbo,
So excited you might wee, proper chrimbo! proper chrimbo!
The camera pans on Will, wearing a sequinned black suit standing beside Raging Raven in a lacy burlesque outfit
Ho, ho, ho.
I'm a bad mo-fo,
I got presents y'all for the two by two,
They goes watch out cos i got time for you!
Super funky and you're one of us!
Johan, That Hispanic Guy, Sal and Vince start breakdancing in the backgrounding
Watch out Santa cos here i come,
I sleep on the floor,
Never ever on the bed,
That's Santa's style, all in your head!
It's me dressed up, come sit on my knee,
Will sits back and Raven sits on his knee
Got gifts for y'all, what you got for me?
Chamone, chamone, chamone, chamone,
Chamone check, check tha-cone,
I said bubbles ain't a monkey,
She can move real funky,
Chamone check, check tha-cone
That's right, oww!!!!
Everyone jumps into the cameras path
All: Come now sing with me, proper chrimbo,
Laughing Octopus: sing with meeeeee!
I take you for a drink with me, proper chrimbo,
Hold up your Christmas tree, proper chrimbo,
So excited you might wee, proper chrimbo, proper chrimbo!!!
They watch as a blue portal appears and sucks the band up. Silence. Frank looks back at the empty stage and scratches his head
Frank: ay up, where's all t' band gone?
He shrugs and motions to the mercenaries
Frank: come on kids, help us out!
Sing with me
All: La la laa,
Frank: Check it out,
All: La la laa,
Frank: Can I get a rewind?
All: La la laa,
Frank: Well that were rea’ good..
All: Tra la la laa, tra la la laa, tra la la laa,
Frank: Come on now, let's get it together, you as well Kes!
Phil: SING WITH ME!
All (Jolly, happy tones): Come now sing with me, proper chrimbo!!!
Sal jumps in front of the camera
Sal: TAKE ME FOR A DRINK!!!
All: I take you for a drink with me, proper chrimbo
Steve wanders in front of the camera
Steve: Take you for a goat!!
Hold up your Christmas tree, proper chrimbo,
Crying Wolf: So excited!
All: So excited you might wee, proper chrimbo! proper chrimbo!! proper chrimbo!!!!
Frank: Can I get a beat change?!
All: Come now sing with me, proper chrimbo,
Crying Wolf: Sing with me!
All: I take you for a drink with me, proper chrimbo
Johan and Phil start to do the robot as Dave sets the tree on fire and starts to launch fireworks in random directions with the help of Al the Pub Landlord
Dick: I take you for a drink!
All: Hold up your Christmas tree, proper chrimbo!!!
Karab, Dean, Brick and Jon start to shake the Christmas tree, cackling loudly
Karab, Dean, Brick and Jon: Wave your Christmas tree!!!
All: So excited you might wee..so excited!!!! so excited!!! so excited!!!
Frank: O rea’ good, now come on sing with me!!!
All: Come now sing with me, proper chrimbo!!!
Crying Wolf: Sing with me!
All: I take you for a drink with me, proper chrimbo!!!
Dick jumps into the camera view, carrying a pint
Dick: I'll take you for a drink!!
All: Hold up your Christmas tree, proper chrimbo!!
Obese Maurice walks into the camera view with Moe the Midget on his shoulders, waving tinsel around
Maurice and Moe: Hold up your Christmas tree!!
All: So excited you might wee, proper chrimbo!!!
so excited!!! so excited!!! so excited!!!
The music starts to die down and Frank appears in front of the camera, grinning
have a proper bo crim... bo!
Steve shoves him out of the way
Steve: bumbal squat!
Everyone shoves into the view of the camera, laughing and grinning. Phil crawls over the top of everyones heads and looks directly into the camera
Phil: it's all because of the magic...Shazam!
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!
It's doubtful I will have an update up to bring in 2009, so I want to wish you all the best of luck in Bringing in the New Year!
2008 saw the introduction of Metal Gear Mercenaries. In April, it was created and published. In September, it was made onto Blogger where it shall live forevermore. As such, 2009 will see Fish Hats, Mutated Vindaloo Monsters, Chocolate Pudding!!! The Teabag Of Ultimate Destiny, CHuck Norris' Beard Hair Viagra and much, MUCh more!
You stay classy readers! Keep kicking it random!=
Saturday, 20 December 2008
Well, they probably won't be too pleased at having to be called in..
The screen opens up with a shot of a random guy in a suit with a long waistcoat with his hands clasped together over his waist
Narrator / Morgan Freeman: One month ago..One man had a drea--
Phil dressed in a khaki shirt, grey pants and a red desert scarf over his head superkicks this man. He stumbles backwards and falls through the black curtain behind him, his legs sticking up in the air
Phil: What? Wasn't I supposed to kick him?
The mans leg twitches
Phil: Sorry Ron..let's do this again!
*BEEP* Take 2!
Narrator: Months ago, one man had a dream..a dream to--
A net is thrown over the man as Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin walk into the camera, grinning.
They stand there, staring at the camera and grinning.
Director: WHAT THE FUCK?! GET OFF THE SCREEN YOU CUNTS!!!
*Beep* Take 3!
Narrator: One month ago, one man had a drea--
The man is taken down by a spinning hubcap and he falls flat onto the floor. Steve walks over him with his hand over his mouth.
Steve: Oh! I am SO sorry! We were playing frisbee. I am so sorry!
Frank walks onto the camera and grabs the hubcap
Frank: Awww...you got blood on it!
Director: GET THE FUCK AWAY!!!
Steve flinches and scuttles off camera
*BEEP* Take 4
Narrator: Fucking hell...One man had a drea--
The man falls over and a small piece of string quickly disappears from his back
Screaming Mantis (Off camera): What? I didn't do shit!
Director: I SAW THAT STRING YOU BITCH!!
*BEEP* Take 5!
Narrator: For the love of--One man had a dream..
The man stands there with a black eye, grinning
Narrator: A dream which culminated in--
The man is pounced on by a huge mechanical wolf
Crying Wolf: Sowwee!!!
Crying Wolf bounds away and the camera pans to the man twitching on the floor
Director: Can we finish this already???!!!
*BEEP* Take 6......
Narrator: Months ago, one man had a--
The man runs off screaming as 2 whips are snapped at him repeatedly. That Hispanic Guy and That Random Guy chase him off with whips, cackling loudly. That Random Guy walks up to the camera and sticks his face into the lens
That Random Guy: HIYA MOM!!
Narrator: FUCK OFF YA RETARD!!!!
That Random Guy and That Hispanic Guy are rounded up behind the camera by men with tranquilizer rifles
*BEEP* Take..I lost fucking count
Narrator: One man had a dream..A dream which culmina--
A shower of flowers come from nowhere and tangle him up, making him fall backwards through the set. Bill, Sal and Vince conga in front of the camera, wearing Hawaiian shirts and wearing flower necklaces
Sal: Down at the copa! Copa cabana!
A margherita falls from the ceiling and the Director rolls up a newspaper, hitting Sal, Bill and Vince with it to shoo them off the camera. He looks at the camera
Director: AH! FUCK IT!
Mercenary Commercial Number 2
The scene cuts to the outside of a huge office building, seemingly made of glass due to the large amount of buildings. 2 suited office executives stand outside beside a Rolls Royce drinking coffee, until a missile shoots down and blows them up, leaving 2 pairs of smoking leather slacks
Raging Raven: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
Raging Raven swoops down and lands in front of the camera, sheeding her UAV wings and oxygen mask and facing the camera with her flowing black hair and hazelnut eyes
Raging Raven: Heya viewers! Welcome to the mercenaries! We never mistreat our employees!
The camera cuts to inside of the building. A suited employee is walking calmly between office cubicles, muttering to himself as he stares down at a clipboard. Phil and Frank walk behind him and they both shoot him with Desert Eagles, blasting his chest open and making him fall face-first down to the ground
Phil + Frank: We never use violence to promote our product!
The camera cuts to a hallway where Crying Wolf is chasing a man with a leather whip, dressed in her human form skintight latex suit. Will is busy making out with a female employee on the desk and a cupboard door behind the action is shaking violently. Screaming Mantis walks out in her human form with something that looks like a...long silver bullet?
Screaming Mantis: We never use sex to promote ourselves!
The camera cuts to the very top floor. The leather office chair behind a marble desk spins around and Liquid Ocelot sits there, wearing a silk suit, expensive sunglasses and dozens of gold chains
Liquid Ocelot: We are always careful with every penny of our funds!
A butler comes in behind the camera
Butler: Sir, your solid gold hot-tub is here to be installed
Liquid Ocelot: Aww, sweet!
The camera cuts to a room filled with sand, Sal is in front of a conga line with a hawaiian flower necklace, carrying a margherita, behind him is Steve, Dave, Vince, That Random Guy, Samoa Joe and AJ Styles, and that Hispanic Guy is laying on a sunbed beneath a UV lamp wearing black goggles
Sal: We are always committed to getting work done on time!
The camera pans down a hallway, passing Chuck Norris who is leaning against a wall drinking a styrofoam cup of coffee, it walks past several large pictures of Chuck Norris, one at the end of the hallway has the words 'WORSHIP ME' etched in gold above it
Chuck Norris: We would never make you feel forced to view our product!
In another room, That Other Random Guy, That Random Guy, Bill and Dean are busy playing in large sumo suits, bouncing off eachother in the middle of the offices gym, laughing over-energetically in joy.
Sal: We would never make your children addicted to toys!
Phil walks a hallway, behind him, Samoa Joe has just thrown Billy through the glass.
Phil: We're just wholesome, family entertainment!
The camera cuts down from the balcony of the reception where laughing octopus is twirling around a pole and stripping. A blind man is getting beaten up by Bob, while a midget named Moe and Dick Head the barkeep are wrestling. The receptions desk is set on fire and Rage Against The Machine start playing 'Sleep Now In The Fire' amongst the flames. The glass doors slide open and D-Generation X walks in wearing man thongs. As Phil leans over the balcony, Sal has just thrown a naked Screaming Mantis onto the head of Johnny Cash before he hops onto the balcony and jumps onto the back of a FROG soldier. Akiba is being led through the carnage on a piggyback given by Meryl as a mutated chicken Phall appears from nowhere as the scene cuts to the seemingly peaceful outside where Old Snake throws his cardboard box off and sniffs the air.
Snake: Ahh..Another day at work!
The top floor explodes and Ken Shamrock, Chuck Liddell and Chris Cornell have just thrown the butler out of the window on the 5th floor
Snake: We rock!
Mercenary Dandruff Buster Shampoo
Seductive Raging Raven Voiceover: Have you ever suffered from unsightly dandruff flakes? Ever wanted the smoothest shine from your hair? Well..here is the answer..
A scene cuts to Phil naked from the chest up. He is busy spreading the white froth through his hair with a sensual look on his face
Voiceover: Dandruff Buster! For the animal in--
Phil: OH FUCK! MY EYES!
Phil collapses to the floor, clutching his eyes. The lights turn back to color and the camera looks down at him, wearing his swimming trunks
Frank: Phil? Everything ok?
Phil: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THIS??!!! ACID??! IT FREAKIN' BURNS!!!!!!!!
Frank: Let's try another approach..
Solid Snake Voiceover: HEY?! Cuntflap?! Buy Dandruff Buster shampoo! Your hair sucks! It's greasy! When you scratch your head it looks like a fucking blizzard! Buy Dandruff Buster! FUCKING NOW!
A scene cuts to Solid Snake dressed in a khaki uniform bearing his teeth and growling at the camera, throwing a white bottle at the lens
Snake: BUY IT YOU FUCKING MEATBAG!!!
Frank: ......aaaand cut! That was awesome!
Zack De La Rocha walks onto camera and pats Snake on the back
De La Rocha: Maybe it was just a little underaggressive?
A clip of a hairy, bare-chested Frank holding a curved bottle of aftershave appears on the screen to sensual jazz music
Wills Voiceover: You wanna turn into a man from being a mouse? My new aftershave will do the trick...Erotica..For when you just wanna tease a womans pants off!
A clip of a topless Will with his eyes closed and a shirt around his hips, thrusting in front of the camera appears, with a pink-tinted screen
Wills Voiceover: It's illegal in 40 countries..it contains baboon hair, jaguar scent, and the mating hormone of a wild African Gorilla..It is the ultimate in sensual scent-sation..
It cuts back to Frank, who sprays some on his neck. He quickly collapses, screaming
Frank: WHAT IN THE NAME OF HOLY DOGGY FUCKING CHRIST?!!!! IT BURNS TO THE BONE!! OH GOD!! THIS STUFFS FREAKIN' NAPALM MAN!!!
Will rushes onto the screen, which is pink-tinted and with a moaning soundtrack taking place
Will: Frank! Everything cool?
Frank: NO!! I FEEL FREAKING PAIN, MAN!!
Will: That'll be the polystyrene and petroleum extract
Frank: ARE YOU FREAKING PSYCHOTIC?! GOD ALMIGHTY THIS STUFF FAILS ON SO MANY LEVELS!! IT BURNS!!
Will: It doesn't fail..
A naked Screaming Mantis appears from nowhere and pounces Frank onto the bed
Will (Over Franks screams): Erotica..for the devil in all of us..
Director: AND CUT!!
Frank stands up, covered in lipstick with his shirt torn to pieces, with Screaming Mantisstill clawing at his back
Frank: SHE BIT ME WILL!! NOW I LIVE FOREVER!!! THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER!!!
Frank screams as Screaming Mantis drags him down onto the bed yet again
Will: At least it works!
Mercenary Energy Blaster drink
Ken Shamrock walks on screen, holding a silver bottle with a picture of an AK-47 on it
Shamrock: Hi, I'm Ken Shamrock, former UFC Champion and Hall-Of-Famer. I am here to tell you about Mercenary Energy Blaster energy drink! You may be thinking, whats so different about this? Despite having 3 times your recommended allowance of taurine, sugar, caffeine and chemicals, it really gets you going..an example!
Shamrock walks over to Steve sitting in a cage. He pours some into a water bowl and Steve sniffs the air, picking up the bowl and drinking it. He stands still for a moment before twitching. His eyes go multi-coloured and he starts zipping around the cage as a blur before breaking out and shooting off camera
An explosion lights up Shamrocks features and he holds the bottle to the camera
Shamrock: Energy Blaster! BUY IT OR I'LL SNAP YOUR FUCKING ANKLE!!!
Frank: Fucking awesome!
Frank hands Shamrock a bottle of water and Shamrock drinks it
Shamrock: Damn, is Steve gonna stop?
The camera turns as Steve is dancing on top of a flaming car INSIDE THE STUDIO. Johnny Cash is below him, baiting him down with a piece of cheese attached to an tranquilizer rifle
Frank: He'll tire himself out..
We cut to the human form Laughing Octopus in her latex suit swinging around a pole. She grins and lightly slides her back up it before looking at the camera
Octopus: Hey peeps..ever wanted to please a man? Bring him to his knees? Make him drool over you? Buy new SeductoMercPole..
Bob trundles on screen with his eyes glazed over and That Other Random Guy grabs him in a headlock and pulls him off screen
Octopus: So sexy that men will die for you..
She gives a seductive kiss and wink at the camera
Frank: CUT! That was perfect!
De La Rocha appears on camera, having to restrain Tom Morello who is clawing towards Laughing Octopus
De La Rocha: It certainly works! CALM TOM!
Morello: I!! WANT!! LAPDANCE!!
Obese Maurice slowly wanders onto the set, but Vince, Phil, Dean, Billy and Sal all dogpile onto him, with Johnny Cash and Randy Couture dragging him away. Tom keeps clawing at the amused Laughing Octopus
Tom: MINE! MINE! I WANTY!
Frank: Ummm..Ok Tom..Keep him outta here!!
Morello: NOOOOO!!! BOOOOOOBIIIEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!!
His screams fade into the distance and Phils hand gives the thumbs up on camera
The scene cuts to a weedy looking men sitting on the edge of a bed. The lights are dimmed, the candles are lit, but this man is skinny. He fluffs the pillows slightly as Will bursts through the wall
Wills Voiceover: WASSUP FREAK?! YOU ARE SO SKINNY I CAN SEE WHAT YOU HAD FOR LUNCH!!
Jonny 'Akiba': H-Hey!
Will: BE A REAL MAN! BUY MERCROIDS! YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE WITH THAT WOMAN! SHE WANTS A REAL MAN! A MAN LIKE ME!!
Will runs out from the wall in the hole as a seriously muscled-up chiselled man of perfection walks through the hole. He has a brown wig and a fake moustache to make him look like Will
Jonny 'Akiba': F-Fuck! Are you Olympian Jay Cutler?!
Jay Cutler: SHUT UP WEED! I AM WILL!
Akiba: No you ain't!
Silence. Jay Cutler walks forward and hurls him through the hole in the wall as Meryl jumps onto his back
Meryl: Oooo...a real man!
Frank: Aannd done! Fucking brilliant!
Phil walks onto camera
Phil: JAY FREAKIN' CUTLER?! HOW DID YOU GET JAY CUTLER TO APPEAR IN OUR ADVERTS?!
Jay Cutler: Frank promised me some cameo appearances! And money. Lots of money.
He eyes at Frank, who flashes a duffel bag with a dollar sign on it
Phil hi-5s Jay Cutler and That Random Guy runs on screen, making the metal sign and headbanging
Metal Gear Mercenary Action Figures
Sal, Dave, Bob and Vince appear on screen, clutching cellophane boxes
Sal: Kids! Buy our action figures!
Dave: NOW! I HAVE ACCESSORIES! INCLUDING A WORKING RIFLE! A WORKING MAGNUM! A WORKING ROCKET LAUNCHER!
Bob rips open the packing of his and presses a button on his back
Bob Action Figure: *Sigh*
Bob: Aww..come on!
He presses the button again
B.A.F: Am I always so unlucky?
He does it again
Sals figure starts breakdancing while firing pellets from a mini AK. Vinces just stands there, scratching its ass.
Sal: Its so like the real thing!
Johnny Cash appears on screen and sets his action figure down. The other action figures run off screaming.
Franks action figure swings down from the camera and turns to the lens, drinking a mini bottle of whiskey before falling off
Dean (Off camera): They ARE like the real thing!
Frank: FUCK YOU!
The scene cuts to a dojo which is empy except for one man as it seems at the moment. Samoa Joes top half is visible and his arms are folded, giving a mean stare into the depths of the camera and our souls
Samoa Joe: I am former TNA World Champion, NWA Heavyweight Champion, X Division Champion, ROH Champion..Basically, I am a wrestling god! You wanna try and punk me out? Come to CQC Classes today! I'll show you how the mercs and their cameo appearing friends REALLY dish it out!
The camera zooms out and we see Billy punching an already-dead guy against a wall. Steves snapping a mans neck to pieces. AJ Styles is stomping another guy on the floor and Sal is busy smashing another guys head into a bloody pulp. Samoa Joe sneers.
Samoa Joe: Look the fuck out! My army is here!
Frank: And cut!
The violence continues and Samoa Joe walks forward, Frank hands him a bottle of water
Frank: Shouldn't they be stopping?
Samoa Joe: Leave them, they'll tire themselves out!
Billy throws his opponent through a wall and Sal has just sent his opponent through the floor
Sals Psychoanalysis Clinic
Homely, gentle music plays as we see Sal sitting in the centre of a circle consisting of Obese Maurice, Vince, Eddie Hitler, Chuck Liddell, Dave, Crying Wolf and Phil
Sal: Hello, my name is Sal, one of the more calmer mercenaries..and as such, I have opened a new psychoanalysis clinic..come and talk to people with problems like you, and make new friends!
Vince: I always wanted to be a supermodel..BUT I WAS TOO FAT!!
He starts crying and Obese Maurice pats him on the back
Obese Maurice: Its ok laddy..we know the pain..
Vince: I LOVE FRIED CHICKEN! THOSE BASTARDS MADE ME RESORT TO CAKE! I WILL KILL THEM ALL!
Vince starts sobbing as he rubs his earlobes
Crying Wolf: I'm a sex addict..
Phil nods slowly, but Crying Wolf turns to him
Crying Wolf: Wanna do IT?
Phil shakes his head and Crying Wolf slumps back in her seat, sleeping. Sal holsters his tranquilizer pistol in his denim jacket
Sal: Some techniques need working on, of course
Eddie Hitler: I have beer problem!
Chuck Liddell: I have a violence problem..
Dave: I have a people problem!
Dave: 'Fuck you looking at, Chuck?
Liddell: Fuck you asswipe
Dave stands up and hurls himself at Chuck Liddell, who starts punching him in the jaw
Dave: STOP HITTING ME!!
Liddell keeps on hitting him and Eddie picks up a chair, hurling it at Liddell. Obese Maurice stands up and starts to bearhuge Eddie. Phil quickly runs off and Eddie leaps at Vince, smashing him violently in the nose with his forearm
Sal: There are some teething problems, of course!
The floor sets on fire and Sals eyes widen
Sal: Not again, Dave!
Dave stands up, holding a lighter and laughing maniacally
Director: AND CUT!
Sal: YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS! MAKING ME LOOK INCOMPETENT! I HOPE YOU ALL BURN IN HELL!
Director: Calm Sal..
Sal: Fuck you buddy boy!!
Sal hits the Director with a huge haymaker to the jaw as Chris Sabin gives a thumbs up to the camera
Sabin screams and runs off as Sal gives chase
An empty room is shown. The camera watches as Frank dials a number on his phone. The ceiling smashes through and Slash and Rage Against The Machine fly in on jetpacks. A stage immediately erects and they land on it, starting to play 'Bullet in the Head'. The door collapses as Jay Cutler, Samoa Joe, AJ Styles, Chuck Norris, Johnny Cash and Ken Shamrock burst through
AJ Styles: PARRTTTAAYYY!!!
A refreshments table appears from nowhere and Ken Shamrock starts dancing in the fruit punch and Jay Cutler dances around with a lampshade on his head. The wall to the right collapses as Phil, Sal, Vince, Dave, Will, Billy, Bill, Steve and Jon walk on through. Phil pulls a smoke machine from under his shirt and sets it down. Steve starts dancing waving a trident in the air as the wall to the left collapses and Jay Cutler walks through swinging an ice statue in his hands
Cutler: CABANA TIME!!!
Four poles slide out of the stage in front of Rage Against The Machine and Slash and Laughing Octopus, Screaming Mantis, Raging raven and Crying Wolf start poledancing in their human forms. Old Snake randomly runs into the building swinging a cobra around his head as Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin ride in drinking Cobra beer. That Hispanic Guy starts whipping a basketball hoop, thinking its an enemy as Liquid Ocelot and his FROG troops waltz in
Liquid ocelot: PARTY PARTY PARTY! I WANNA HAVE A PARTY!
He runs in and starts doing a 70s-style dance and an afro grows on his head as the FROG troops breakdance. Phil climbs onto the stage and gives the metal sign before jumping down. Flowers fall from the roof and Jonny, Meryl, Ed and Jonathon waltz in, carrying crates of beer. Jeff Jarrett walks in and smashes a guitar over Jonnys head before walking in and draining the fruit punch while Shamrock is busy twirling on a pole with Screaming Mantis. Frank faces the camera and gives the thumbs up
Morgan Freeman: Super parties! Because your parties are lame!
Morgan Freeman walks in wearing a silk dressing gown and smoking a cigar, patting Frank on the back as Will runs by piggybacking a naked Screaming Mantis
Frank: I LOVE YOU MR. FREEMAN!!
Frank hugs him as Jay Cutler and Sal start to breakdance on the stage. Phil walks through with a naked Crying Wolf hugging his back and Jeff Jarrett smashes a guitar over the camera, turning the screen black.
Friday, 5 December 2008
When it comes to the Parody stories, everyone fights. Steve fights, Phil fights, Samoe Joe fights, AJ Styles fights, Tom Morello fights..All to prove they are the best character group.
But what would happen if they all met in one place and decided to settle it once and for all?
Settle into your chair, grab a drink, and get ready for rape, hugs of dewm, suicidal grenade men, brass knuckles, towel racks, wet towel snaps, broken necks, alcohol, That Hispanic Guy, moronic mercenaries and killer but very sexy and erotic robots.
It was an ordinary day off for the mercenaries. Still clothed in their Middle-Eastern garb, they walked into an alleyway eating vanilla ice-creams. Frank, Steve, Phil, Dave, Bob, Brick, Will, Sal, Vince, Dean, Bill, Jim and Billy walked out without a care in the world.
Phil: You know..this sunny weather..this is why being in 2014 is so much better!
They duck as an unmanned flying unit dives through the air and sends SCUD missiles hurling towards a building into the distance.
Steve: Nothing beats home!
They walked into the middle of a large, sandy town square, surrounded by old buildings. They yawned and stretched, care-free to the bullets and bombs exploding around them
Bob: Yes..rest..so relaxing..
However, as Bob finished that, the mercenaries most-opposed foursome strode around the corner. They quickly stood straight as Screaming Mantis, Laughing Octopus, Crying Wolf and Raging Raven strode around the corner, also clutching ice-creams
Frank: Not these girls again..
Screaming Mantis: Well..well..well..look what the cat dragged in!
Steve: You smell!
Sal: We mean no harm, FRIEND
Raging Raven steps forward and Sal screams, cowering behind the mercenaries.
Bob: Uhh..honey? Occy?
Octopus simply stares at him
She hisses and her tentacles flail at him, he screams wildly and hides behind Phil
Phil: You sugarcoated your lovemaking once too often! HAHA!
Bob slaps the back of his head
Frank: Look, just keep walk--
He sighed as he heard the sound of loud chatter come into the square, followed by a deathly silence. The mercenaries looked on as Samoa Joe, Jeff Jarrett, AJ Styles, Tom Morello, Slash, Barack Obama, A Random Guy, Colt Cabana, That Other Random Guy, Dick Head, A group of wrestling fans, Johnny Cash,Samuel L. Jackson, Christopher Daniels and Jay Cutler stood there, eating bags of crisps
Samoe Joe: Well..looks like we got ourselves a Mexican Showdown!
Bobs brain: You had to say it--
That Hispanic Guy: YAIYAIAYIAYYIYIYIYIYIIIII!!!!!!!!!!
That Hispanic Guy runs down a set of house stairs, followed by Johan, Obese Maurice, Moe The Midget, Vamp, Homicide, Hernandez, Antonio Banderas, Johnny Depp, Eddie Guerrero, Scott Dolph, Cyborg Ninja and Fatman
That Hispanic Guy: Tonight..the sewers run red with the blood of you all!!!
The Hispanics raise their hands and yell out. The mercenaries watch as they join the square
AJ Styles: All we need now is--
Liquid Ocelot and a small army of Raven Sword and Otselotoya Khvatka PMC troops wandered in
Liquid Ocelot: You called?
At that exact moment, Solid Snake, Meryl, Jonathon, Ed and Jonny strolled in
Snake: This may be part of my final mission..but I WILL KICK YOUR ASSES!!
They all pull out weapons, Phil pulls out a metal towel rack, Steve pulls out a hand grenade, Most of the real life guys aren't random, but A Random Guy pulls out a curtain rail, and a few more pull out glass bottles, milk crates and even a wet towel. That Hispanic Guy pulls out his bullwhip, while Jonny Depp pulls out a microphone and Vamp gets his knives ready. They all yell out and charge at eachother.
Phil started to circle Vamp, clutching his towel rack
Phil: Heere vampy vampy vampy!!
Vamp threw a knife at him and it went through his shoulder
Phil: FUCK!! I NEED THAT!!
He ran at him and pelted him with the towel rack, sending him down and itting him with it repeatedly. Meanwhile, Bob and Laughing Octopus were circling eachother
Bob: Ok, Occy, time to die!!
Octopus: But..I..still love you..
Bob stands still, despite the bloody brawl going on behind him
He didn;t have time to say anything else as Chris Sabin and Alex Shelley ride in on their horses and hurl a net over him, he yells out and they drag him behind their horses at full speed. A Random Guy jumps on Laughing Octopus' back and strangles her with the curtain rail
A Random Guy: YOU'RE FUCKED NOW!!
She simply threw him over her shoulder and sent through the windshield of a nearby car. Samoa Joe grabbed an Outer Haven soldier and started to lock him in the Coquina Clutch
Samoe Joe: TAP BITCH!! TAAAPPP!!!!
Liquid Ocelot ran up slowly and tapped Samoa Joe with his foot. Samoa Joe growled and got up, Liquid Ocelot screams and runs off, followed by Samoa Joe. Steve walked through the crowd and held out his hand grenade screaming loudly. AJ Styles jumped on his back and started choking him some wrist tape
Styles: Gueessss whooooo?????
Steve throws the grenade away and punches AJ in the face with the back of his knuckles. AJ fell off and Steve watched as Phil was dragged away in a net behind the horse of That Hispanic Guy. He quickly rolled out and stood up
Phil: I LIIIVVEE!!!
Crying Wolf charges at him
Phil: Even worse than when she’s horny.
She sends him flying into the top floor of an abandoned building as Steve jumped onto her back
Steve: Look Frank! I'm riding a female tractor!
Frank: STEVE! NO!
She starts to run around wildly, Steve latches on yelling wildly as she tries to buck him off. Jonny Depp quickly jumps onto Wills back and shoves a razor to his throat
Depp: I'm so going to make you into a pie!!
Will uses his plank of wood and slams it backwards, smashing it into Jonnys head. Will points at Liquid Ocelot and starts to advance on him, but is taken down in a dogpile of Outer Haven soldiers. Samoa Joe jumps at Antonio Banderas, but Antonio smashed a bottle of tequila over his head. Obese Maurice circles Sal, growling
Obese Maurice: Ya going to hell mate!
Sal: But Maurice! You were always gentle!
Maurice pounds his chest and charges at Sal, but Sal sidesteps and Maurice collides with Samuel L. Jackson, sending him skidding across the floor and taking down Samoa Joe and Liquid Ocelot
AJ Styles wanders through on fire as Ed started to beat up Colt Cabana before using him as a dart and throwing him at Screaming Mantis. Vamp throws a few knives at Sal and skewers his chest with them
Sal: Goddammit Vamp! This was a new shirt!
Sal runs forward clutching a pair of ice skates and swung them around his head. Fatman sped forward on his rollerskates and plants a bomb on Franks back. Frank quickly tore off his shirt and hurled it at Raging Raven who simply uses her wing to bat it into a group of PMC soldiers, who explode into pieces. Moe The Midget hops onto Crying Wolfs back and jumps on her head before launching himself at Bill, latching on his face and punching him as Bill runs in circles screaming. Phil stands up on the top floor of the building
Phil: I'm still alive, bitches!
He jumps down onto Snakes back
Phil: Snake..you're so comfy..
Snake quickly hurls him over his back and Phil collides with Laughing Octopus, landing on top of her
Phil: Laughing Octopus..you're so comfy..
One of her tentacles quickly slapped him off and he flies into Frank. Bob quickly walks out, bleeding from his back. Octopus spins around so fast her mask falls off, and she blinks rapidly, the bloodthirsty images draining from her head
Bob: Octopus! OCTOPUS?!
Laughing Octopus: Darling!
Frank: What the fuck?
Laughing Octopus: Whats happening?
Bob: We’re all fighting babe..
She watches as Vince runs past screaming, being chased by Johan carrying a tire iron. She then stares as Barack Obama runs by, swinging a mace around his head and chasing Bill.
Laughing Octopus: Oh..
Bob: Are you ok?...
Laughing Octopus: I think I felt the baby kick..
The brawling stops insantly. Sal drops his pipe and they all watch
That Hispanic Guy: Sweet mother of Xolotl!
Laughing Octopus: .....I was kidding! Now lets go have random, wild sex in that building.
Phil watched as they hugged and quickly ran into an abandoned building
Maurice: Fuck that shite! LETS FIGHT!
Everyone screams and starts brawling. That Hispanic Guy rides past and Steve jumps off and lands on his horse, kicking him off
Steve: Look! I'm That Hispanic Guy!
That Hispanic Guy quickly snapps his whip at him and he screams,falling off and getting caught in the horses stirrup. That Hispanic Guy slaps the butt of the horse and it rides off at full speed with a screaming Steve half-hanging off. Jonathon and Ed headbutt a Praying Mantis soldier and behead him instantly. Tom Morello and Slash stand in front of a random dude and started playing their guitars. A random dude starts to shake and explodes violently. Johnny Cash smashes his guitar over the head of Antonio Banderas which kills him instantly. Barack Obama brings his mace down on Johan, who blocks it with his Tire Iron. He swipes at Obama, but he ducks. Bill catches Johans tire iron and stands on Obamas back.
Bill: THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN!!
He jumps at Johan, arms outstretched, going for a wrestling crossbody. Johan simply catches him.
Bill: BAD DECISION! BAD DECISION!
Johan spins and throws him into Fatman, who skids across the floor and tackles down Obama
Johan: Fuck yeah!
A random Otselotoya Khvatka PMC tiptoes behind Johnny Cash, who's pacing around the outskirts of the brawl. Cash blinks and swings his guitar over his shoulder, killing him instantly
Scoitt Dolph runs at Cash, but Cash pulls off his cowboy boot and smashes it over his head while Barack Obama comes along and starts stomping him. Eddie Guerrero climbs to the top of the building.
Eddie Guerrero: VIVA LA RAZA!!!
He jumps off hits a Frog Splash onto a group of PMC soldiers, who immediately explode randomly. Guerrero surfaces covered in blood, but he simply shrugs it off and turns to Bill, holding a Steel Chair. Bill puts up his fists, and Eddie points behind him. Bill turns around and Eddie smashes the chair into his back
Eddie: ORALE HOLMES!!!
Frnk: MADNESS?! THIS!!! IS!!! PARODY WRITING!!!
Frank pulls on a pair of Brass Knuckles and punches an advancing Jonny, knocking him out. That Random Guy pulls out a wet towel and towel snaps Screaming Mantis. She turns around and growls. He towel snaps at her face and she simply wraps her arms around him and hugs him
That Random Guy: I love you t--MY RIBS!!
Crying Wolf bounded through and snags Daves foot, Dave screams as he was dragged behind Crying Wolf. Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin rode back in and pull out a large radiator panel, knocking out Liquid Ocelot as they ride through. A window shutter slams open and Bob peeks out
Bob: PHIL!!! How are you?!!
Bob watches as Phil hops forward, snagged by another one of That Hispanic Guys nets
Phil: I'm doing great, just trying not to d--
Jeff Jarrett smashes a guitar over the head of Phil and he collapses. He pulls out another and aims for Bob, but smashes it off the wall as Bob ducks
eff Jarrett: Join the fight, slapnuts!!
The human form of Laughing Octopus pops her head up
Laughing Octopus: Shut up, JEFF!!
Jonny Cash pulls out a machete and goes to chop off his arm, but Jarrett turns around
Jarrett: What are you doing Cash?!
Cash points at Bob
Cash: Join the fight, lover boy!
Dean walks over and taps Jarrett on the shoulder
Dean pulls out some red-hot oil and flings it into Jeffs face. Jeff yells and collapses
Cash: What the--
Dean: Don’t mess with a kebab shop owner!
Billy runs along and kicks Dean in the crotch. Dean whimpers and collapses
Cash: Why’d you kick your own team-mate??
Billy stares at him and kicks Cash in the groin. Cash yells out and collapses
Cash: MY GROIN!!
Frank puts Jonny in a headlock and starts punching him repeatedly as Snake snaps Vamps neck. Fatman rollerblades through, but Alex Shelly and Chris Sabin throw a bundle of nuts at his feet and he trips, flying headfirst into the wing of Raging Raven.
Chris Sabin: :)
Steve quickly wanders back in and Scott Dolph rides in ona horse, but Steve throws a Trident at him and stabs him, killing him instantly
Jeeff Jarrett walks forward, clutching a guitar and squinting through the burning oil and smashes it over Meryls head, not noticing Homicide and Hernandez skewering him with the Mexican Flag. Vince pulls out a pair of nunchucks and charges at Crying Wolf, but she trips him and he lands on Samoe Joe, bnut he simpl wraps them around Joes neck and strangles him. Liquid Ocelot pulls out a knife and yanks Frank closer, jamming it into his chest
Liquid Ocelot: WE..are the best..
He headbutts him in the face and uppercuts him. A random guy pulls out a bottle of beer and throws it at Johnny Cash, Cash simply catches it and drinks it, not noticing Snake wandering behind him and grabbing his neck to choke. Steve wanders in clutching a trident, which he thrusts into the chest of the Cyborg Ninja. Phil slowly gets up and unfurls himself from the net
Phil: THIS IS THE ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN OF ULTIMATE DESTINY!!!
Ed walks over and picks him up, but Phil grabs a wet towel from a random guys hand and snaps it against Eds face
Ed: IT HURTS!!!
Phil: ha-ha! Bow bitch! Bow to the towel!
Phil chases Ed through the square, snapping him with a towel as That Hispanic Guy wraps his bullwhip around a PMC soldier and slices him in two. Liquid Ocelot has Jonny Depp in a headlock and starts punching him as Bill pops up again, pulling out a flag of the Confedaracy
Bill: THIS TIME!!!
Bill charges at a random guy and skewers him on the end of the flag.
Frank looks up from setting fire to a random guy, hearing sirens
That Hispanic Guy looks up, having just cut off Raging Ravens wing
That Hispanic Guy: POLIZIA!!!!!!!!!!!
They all drop their weapons and run off, the dead and wounded lying on the floor. That Hispanic Guy, Alex Shelly and Chris Sabin ride away on their horses while the real life guys simply run out in a massive huddle. Ocelot wanders around cursing loudly, trying to find an Outer Haven soldier that actually survived until he shrugs and runs off. The mercenaries scramble around
Bob peeks his head out of the window
All: ..Ah..fuck you!
They all run off into an alleyway, leaving the dead , the wounded and the charred
--10 minutes later--
They sat in their hotel, bandaging their wounds and drinking beer. Phil wraps a bandage around his eye, while Sal is having his whole body bandaged by Vince.
Frank: Boy..That escalated quickly! That...got out of hand so fast!
Will: It..definitely jumped up a notch
Frank: It did, didn't it?
Steve: I stabbed a man in the heart!
Dean: I Saw that...Steve killed a guy!
Dave: Did you throw a trident?
Steve: Yeah, and there were horses and there were men on fire, and I killed a few guys with a trident!
Frank: Steve, you should probably lay low for a while and get into a safehouse..you're probably wanted for murder
Phil: Murder schmurder, whats a few stabbings?
Frank: It wasn't a few, though, there was a man cut in half, towel snappings, heads crushed by guitars and Slash and Morello made a guy explode!
Bill: I saw that! That was cool! Epic cool!
Frank: But i'm all proud of you! Well done for fighting!
Phil: We killed guys..except Bob..where is Bob?
--Back in the square--
Laughing Octopus wanders out, covering herself with a blanket
Laughing Octopus: I..guess we missed a lot..
She watches as a PMC soldier without legs pull himself out of the alley
Bob: It did escalate pretty fast, didn't it?
That Hispanic Guy runs back, picking up his bullwhip. He looks at Octopus and wolf whistles before running back out
Laughing Octopus: Well..guess it's over..
They sigh and look down for a moment
Laughing Octopus: Wanna do it again?
Bob: Why not!
They wander back into the abandoned house as 2 balaclavad men slowly walk into the square, looking at the dead bodies. They take their masks off to reveal Phil and Steve
Steve: I'm gonna buy myself a shiny new necklace!!
They start looting the dead bodies before sirens sound, and they run off s the screen fades to black