Sunday, 31 December 2017

Metal Gear Mercenaries : The Blast In The Past - Chapter II - The Traitors with the Brains of Potatoes

The scene opens up where we left off: With Ocelot and his GRU Operative surrounding Snake, Sokolov and the mercenaries. Snake warily eyes the GRU operatives, whilst Vince eyes Ocelot suspiciously.

Vince [coldly]: Furries…

Will: I mean, coming from an Otaku, I find your rage at another subculture hilarious, especially considering you own a pleasure-bot.

Vince [Coldly]: Don’t talk shit about Washu-bot.

Will: And that robot probably cost you far more money than a fursuit--


Billy: I cannae believe yeh having this conversation right fucking now, while we’re surrounded.

Ocelot [Circling Snake]: What is that stance?!...That gun?

Ocelot starts laughing, which causes the other GRU operatives to laugh as well.

Ocelot: …If you’re not the Boss…then DIE.

Ocelot spins his gun with a flourish, pulling back the slide. A bullet swiftly jams in the receiver.

Ocelot: Oh.

Ocelot looks down at his gun. Snake grins brightly, lunging forward and grasping Ocelot’s right arm, extending it and moving behind him, holding his left arm which clutches his knife across Ocelot’s neck, holding the knife to Ocelot’s throat before slamming him backwards onto the ground. Snake stands over Ocelot, his right arm between Snake’s legs, and grasps the Makarov, wrenching it from Ocelot’s grasp. Sokolov yelps wildly, screaming and running off into the distance. A GRU Operative turns his head, watching.

GRU Operative: Major!

Johnny [Angrily]: FOR FUCKS SAKE, HE’S SPRY!



Jon hurtles after Sokolov.

Major Ocelot: Leave him! Shoot the other one!

The GRU Operative lunges forward, but Snake twists, grasping the back of the operative’s head and gripping him tightly, moving him aside and firing a tranquilizer dart at a second GRU Operative, hitting him in the arm. Snake shoves the human shield into a third GRU Operative, knocking them both down, before turning to the fourth. Before he can do anything

A fifth rushes forward, which Bobby swiftly clotheslines to the floor. A sixth moves forward as well, aiming down his rifle, but he backs into a stack of two metal boxes, atop which is Billy.


Lynch: Oh please no.

”Natural Born Killaz” by  Dr. Dre and Ice Cube starts playing as Sal, Bob and Brick stand beside Billy. All four men leap off the top of the box, flattening the GRU Soldier and a second who rose to his feet behind him.

Eligio: Well, it gets results.

Lynch: I swear to fucking God if they start to New Jack every goddamn time there’s an enemy below a tall spot…

Sal [Getting to his feet and dusting himself off]: No promises..

Phil: And technically, the correct term is “Gangsta Splash”—

Lynch [Bluntly]: Shut the fuck up.

Phil: Okay.

Snake turns to the GRU Operative he shot earlier. The Operative stumbles around before collapsing forward. Ocelot gets to his feet, lunging at Snake who grasps his right arm and spins him, locking his arm to his side before slamming the butt of his pistol into Ocelot’s jaw and slamming him down into the dirt with a deafening crash. The gun flies out of Ocelot’s grasp, the bullet finally ejecting across the floor.

Ocelot [Groaning]: Impossible!

Snake: You ejected the first bullet by hand, didn’t you? I see what you were trying to do. But..testing a technique you’ve only heard about, in the middle of a battle? Not very smart. You were asking to have your gun jam on you. I don’t think your cut out for an automatic in the first place: You twist your elbow to absorb the recoil. That’s more of a revolver technique.

Ocelot’s eyes slowly open, glaring at Naked Snake.

Vince: Aw shit, he woke.


Ocelot swiftly unsheathes a knife from the rear of his belt.


Ocelot swiftly sits up and lunges for Snake with his right hand. Snake grasps it and twists it under him, pushing the knife aside and punching him in the left kidney. Snake stands up straight and, smirking, hits the back of Ocelot’s head with the butt of his tranquilizer pistol. He locks his arm around Ocelot’s neck before twisting and throwing him straight to the ground, aiming his pistol down at him. Ocelot grunts in pained anger.

Snake [Lunging downwards and holding the knife over Ocelot’s throat]: But that WAS some fancy shooting. You’re pretty good.

Ocelot [Angrily grasping Snake’s forearm]: Pretty…good…

Ocelot flicks out two fingers on his right hand in the shape of a pistol, his thumb extended into the air, before he slumps backwards to the floor, unconscious, his arms splaying out. Snake holsters his knife and pistol, getting on one knee to communicate with Zero.

Will: Big Boss got some moves.

Lynch: Wish I could knock people out that fancy.

Bill: Eh, fists work just as good.

Sal: So, there’s an internal Soviet power struggle going on?

Fabien: Ve could play zis to our advantage, non? Play one side against the other.

Lynch: We’re only here for this mission. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.

Snake slowly rises to his feet, turning to the mercenaries.

Snake: Well?

Lynch: Come on. Let’s head back to Dolinovodno and hope Jon and the others have caught Sokolov.

Lynch leads the mercenaries and Snake forward.

Sal: Well, hopefully this’ll be a quick mission.

Lynch: Homesick already?

Sal: Well, yeah, aren’t you?

Lynch: Well….


In the Lamb and Flag, everything is kitted out for New Year’s celebrations. Given the Lamb and Flag, however, this simply means a few pennants hanging from the dusty wooden timbers in the ceiling and a line of tinsel nailed across the bar, with a few party poppers strewn across tables. The fathers of the mercenaries, called in to protect the streets from intermittent PMC attacks, are all firmly lodged within the small confines of the pubs, and the round wooden tables are now littered with a variety of empty drink bottles and cans. Emilie herself is sat in the back right corner, closest to the toilets, with her arms folded and sulking foully with a party hat perched on her head, and with Crumpet, her pet rat, laying on her right shoulder.. Michael Kingston climbs onto the bar, raising his wine glass.


The entire bar roars out a bellowing cheer, raising their glasses in unison.


A huge, unified “Hell Yeah!” goes up from the bar.

Maurice [Watching from the kitchen]: I ain’t cleaning this puke up.

Moe [Watching from the kitchen]: Should we go see Mother?

Maurice: About what?

Moe: Getting the fuck out of here and onto the mission.

Maurice: We have specific orders for being here, mate.

Moe: Which are?

Maurice: To protect these assholes.

Moe: From what?

Maurice: Themselves.

Moe [Sighing]: Ah.

Dick: Well guys, I’m glad you’re all happy but—

Boris Hellgenstrand [Jovially]: MORE DRINKS!!

Dick: Guys, we--

Rick Sykes: MORE DRINKS!!

Dick: Will you jus—

Stephen LaMarr: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!!!!!

Michael Kingston: Shit, this is the life! Getting paid to sit around and drink beer!

Dick [Angrily]: You’re supposed to be protecting this place!

Joey Studlin: Hey, we sent out Truly Terrifying Tommy on patrol! That’s all we need!


Truly Terrifying Tommy [Peering through a crack in the door and waving an empty bottle]: Guys, empty out here.

John Chevrolet [Getting out of his chair]: Alright Tommy, I’m coming.

Joey Studlin: See? John’s his wingman.

Dick [Turning to Maurice and Moe]: I don’t even know what to do.

Maurice: Don’t look at us, mate, we don’t got a clue either!

Moe: Maybe we can ask Jericho’s lass.

Moe, Maurice and Dick look over towards Emilie who hasn’t moved an inch, still sulking foully.

Moe: Where did he find her anyway? Wearing that corset and with her ringlets and shit. She looks like she came from the Victorian era.

Maurice: Nah, it must be a new fashion or some shit.

Moe: That lace skirt, though?

Maurice: Never proclaimed myself to be an expert on current fashion mate.

Ian Stone [Squeezing past the bar]: I GOTTA TAKE A PISS!!


Moe: Where did they find these guys?

Dick: I’m sure a few came from homeless shelters, knowing what veterans are like.


Dick: I guess we’re not going home anytime soon.

Maurice: Don’t kid yourself, Dick, this is our home.

Dick: I meant London.

Maurice: ….Don’t kid yourself, Dick, this is our home.

**RASSVET – 1964**

Lynch: Absolutely fucking not.

Sal: Yeah, I can’t blame you.

The group emerge in Dolinovodno, making their way back to the area where the rickety rope bridge crossed over the yawning chasm that held a rushing river. Standing behind a tree, close to the bridge, is Sokolov with his nose pressed against the trunk. Jon stands behind him, aiming down the sights of his M16.

Lynch: At ease, Jon.

Jon slowly lowers his rifle. Sokolov turns around and Snake approaches him.

Snake: You okay?

Sokolov: Those men were from the Ocelot Unit.

Snake: Spetsnaz?

Sokolov: Yes. The best GRU has to offer…they’re coming for me. …I’m finish--

Snake [Sighing]: Calm down. I’ll get you out of here, I promise, and we’ve got some of the best damn backup we could ask for.

Lynch: Well--

Snake: Not you.

Sal: Bitch!

The sound of a huge explosion scars the air. The mercenaries, Snake and Sokolov turn around, looking for the source of the sound. Sokolov points upwards: In the distance, on the edge of one of the mountainous sides of the chasm, is the barely visible form of what is essentially a gigantic tank. The turret, smoking from firing a shot, stands on top of a hulking chassis, whilst two ‘treads’ peering from the front of the body actually appear to be ground drills, tucked into the treads to give the appearance of two stubby legs. Snake looks through his binoculars at the monstrosity.

Snake: That’s what they were making you build?

Brick [Squinting]: Looks like a pony.

Jon: What kind of fucking ponies have you been riding?

Sokolov: Shagohod. “The Treading Behemoth”. A tank capable of launching nuclear IRBM’s.

Snake: It can launch nukes from THAT terrain?

Sokolov: Oh yes, and without support from friendly units.

Snake: A nuclear-equipped tank capable of operating solo. Well, that just about ruins my day.

Lynch: Ruins anybody’s day, really.

Snake: Is it finished?

Sokolov: No, this is only the end of phase one. It won’t truly be finished until we complete phase two.

Snake: And that is?

Sokolov: The weapon’s true form. If it is completed and the Colonel gets his hands on it, it will mean the end of the Cold War.

Will: Wait, true form? You mean that launching nukes ain’t enough?

Snake: The end of the Cold War, huh?

Sokolov: Yes, and then the age of fear will truly begin.

Snake: So, a world war.

Sokolov [Sighing, pacing around]: I had no choice but to co-operate. I didn’t want to die! I wanted to see my wife and child again in America! Please, take me to America! Quickly! They cannot complete it without my help!

Snake: Well, let’s go. All of you: Behind me.

Snake readies his knife and pistol, taking point and moving across the bridge with Sokolov behind. Jon moves directly behind Sokolov, with the other mercenaries choosing to stay on solid land. Sokolov peers over the bridge, whimpering before uneasily moving ahead. As they get past the midway point, Lynch walks onto the bridge, staying behind Jon, with Frank also moving forward. A wispy fog slowly starts to descend.

Jericho [Looking around]: Well that’s coming from nowhere.

Bob: Bad signs ahead.

Footsteps slowly echo across the bridge. Snake stops, aiming down the iron sights of his pistol: Through the fog emerges a female figure, wearing khaki fatigues and carrying two metal gun cases in each of her hands, her blonde hair tyed back behind her head with a blue bandana.

The Boss.

Jon: Hey, you’re--

Female [Looking past Snake and at the mercenaries, confused]: Who are you?

Jon [Pointing at Sokolov]: Jon Manguel. I’m here to kick ass and remove this son of a bitch, and I’m all outta ass. Although honey, I got to say--

Frank [In disbelief]: HOLY FUCK JON, DON’T FLIRT WITH HER!!

Female: Do you know who I am?

Jon: Somebody important.

Female: The Boss.

Jon: …..Bruce Springsteen?

The Boss falls silent.

Tim: He’s gonna die, isn’t he?

Bill: Wouldn’t surprise me.

Snake: Boss?

Lynch: Well. This is something.

The fog slowly dissipates. The Boss drops the crate in her right hand, causing the bridge to shake violently. She drops the crate in her left hand, the force of the bridge shaking causing Sokolov to fall onto his rear and causing Lynch, Jon and Frank to grip the sides of the bridge to keep their own footing.


The Boss: Good work, Jack.

Snake: What the hell are you doing here?!

The Boss: Sokolov…comes with me.

A dark cloud suddenly appears, sweeping through the air and blotting out the sun slightly. However, as the cloud descends, it reveals that it is actually made up of thousands upon thousands of swarming…

Frank: Hornets.

Jon stops, looking around. His eyes widen slightly as a swarm of hornets swiftly descend from the sky, stopping between him and Sokolov, whilst also swarming Snake. He stops, his brow furrowing angrily.


Jon stomps forward and into the swarm of hornets. As he does, a Russian Hind flies over them, hovering over the bridge.

Tim: JON!




Jon spins around on his heels, jogging out of the cloud of hornets and barging into Lynch, sending both men down. Snake looks over his shoulder at Sokolov, and at the mercenaries. A figure descends through the hornets, grasping Sokolov by the back of his jacket and pulling him into the air, towards the Hind. Both of them are obscured by the swarm of hornets as they ascend. The hornets disappear, revealing a heavily-scarred man wearing a ski mask and black-and-yellow tiger stripe camouflage vest over black fatigues leaning out of the side of the Hind. Snake looks up, as does The Boss.

The Boss: My friends. Let us fight together again!

First Figure: I have waited long for this day!

second, Scarred Figure: We will fight with you once more!

The Boss: Now that all five of us are together, it’s time we go to the depths of hell itself.

Snake: Can we stop the exposition and cut to you telling me what the hell was going on?

Lynch [Calling over]: I AGREE!

The sky darkens suddenly, and rain begins to pour over them.

Bill: And just what the fuck is this?

Vince: Some real bad juju.

Jericho: I’ll tell you what it is: Bollocks. Stupid bollocks.

The Boss [Holding out her arms]: It’s raining blood..

Vince holds out his tongue.

Vince: Tastes normal to me.

The Boss: Is he crying?

The Boss looks around the bridge, as if she hears a presence nearby.

Sal: Well, she’s nuts.

Bob: Of course she is. We’re all mad here.

From behind her, through the rain, emerges a gigantic figure, tall and imposing. Clad in a khaki greatcoat, with gold buttons, red shoulderpads and a black holster belt crossing across the chest, the figure strolls onto the bridge, red leather boots echoing off of the wood.

Figure: Kuwabara, kuwabara…

Jon: And just what the fuck is this?

The figure continues walking forward, revealing a heavily scarred face, almost as if the flesh had been stripped away in certain places, and cold grey eyes. Perhaps the most striking feature of this figure, however, were the arcs of electricity dancing off of his body.

Lynch: Well, this is new.

The rain stops.

Commander: Ah, what a joyful scene.

The Boss: Colonel Volgin..

Lynch: What the FUCK?

Volgin’s head snaps up, looking at the mercenaries who instinctively flinch.

Frank: Oh crap. Lynch! Don’t mess with the lightning man!

Volgin: Who are these?

The Boss: I have no idea.

Lynch: We’re…friendlies!

Volgin: I don’t recognise any of you.

Lynch: I’m Lynch…ski--

Frank: He’s our Commander. We’re here under orders of Kosygin.

Volgin: You. Under Kosygin’s orders.

Frank: We’re double-agents.

Volgin: Explain.

Frank falls silent.

Jon [Calmly]: Our unit is a black ops unit under the CIA, known as BAU or the Bad Ass Unit within the ranks. During the Cuban Missile Crisis we were approached by spies within the CIA’s ranks who offered us a lot more money to ally with them with a view of eventually travelling to Russia to train with and alongside GRU. We managed to make our way here and the first mission to prove our loyalty was to hunt down Snake and Sokolov.

Volgin: I was never informed of this.

Jon: We ARE a Black Ops unit. If the CIA discovered this, they’d put a burn notice on us and have us all hunted down to the ends of the Earth. And if they discovered we’d allied with the Russians, of all people?

Volgin: I see. Secrecy is of the utmost importance. So what is the CIA’s official reason for being here?

Jon: To take Sokolov back to the West.

Volgin [Smirking]: But the odds were always in my favour. Excellent. Very well then, comrades. I take it that’s why those four were chasing Sokolov?

Lynch: He’s sadly spry and our orders aren’t to kill him. I ordered them to chase him out of Rassvet towards the ravine where he’d be apprehended.

Volgin: Very well done. I’ll take it from here, comrades.

Volgin turns around.

Lynch [Quietly]: Well done, Jon.

Jon: Hey, I’m smart, what can I say? That and Frank was close to pissing himself.

Frank: He’s fucking terrifying!!!

Sal: Bad Ass Unit? Really?

Jon: He believed it! And plus now we order people to call us bad asses because we’re at the same rank as the GRU!

Bob: How did we even talk ourselves into this?!

Phil: Jon. That’s how. And I like it.

Volgin: Welcome to my country. And to my unit!

Snake: Boss? What is this? And you lot?!

Snake looks over his shoulder. Lynch, Jon and Frank shrug.

Phil: The rules have changed!

Snake [Angrily]: What rules?!

Will: Our personal rules. The one’s where we stay alive.

The Boss: Also, I’m defecting to the Soviet Union.

Bob: See? We’re all staying alive here!

The Boss: Sokolov is a gift for my new hosts.

Lynch: We don’t have gifts. Dean makes a mean steak, though.

Dean waves from the huddle of mercenaries until Samuel slaps his hand down, shaking his head.

Volgin [Leaning down and picking up the gun crates]: And recoilless nuclear warheads! These will make a fine gift for me!

Snake [In disbelief]: This CAN’T be happening!

Volgin: Who is he? Another one of your disciples? Are we taking him with us?

The Boss [Turning to Volgin]: No, this one is still just a child. Too pure for us Cobras. He has not yet found an emotion to carry into battle.

Snake: What are you talking about?

Volgin turns around. Snake swiftly readies his pistol and The Boss moves forward.

The Boss: Think you can pull the trigger?

Lynch: Snake, just let it go.

The Boss jolts forward, pulling back the slide of the gun and managing to remove it from the body of the gun in one deft movement, pushing Snake down onto his rear. Snake aims down his pistol, only to notice its missing, before The Boss throws it at him. He quickly gets up, aiming a left-handed strike at Boss who catches the arm, jolting it downwards and swiftly punching him in the face, twisting his arm around and taut to the side. The Boss swiftly slams her forearm down into the elbow, dislocating Snake’s arm and causing him to scream in pain.

Lynch [Wincing]: Jesus.

Dean: And this is why we defected.

Samuel: To avoid broken arms?

Karab: And death.

Snake falls onto all fours. Volgin sets down the crates gently and turns around.

Volgin: He’s seen my face. We can’t let him live.

Volgin flicks out his arms as The Boss moves behind Snake, marching towards Snake.

Volgin: If Khrushchev finds out about this, we’re finished.

Volgin reaches into his pockets before pulling out bullets held between each of his fingers, crossing his arms over his chest as his arms crackle with electricity.

Samuel: I mean, what even is going on at this point.

Eligio: Something interesting.

Samuel: Interest--

Eligio: Yes. Interesting. Which is the story I’m keeping because I don’t plan on getting on the bad side of a guy who can manipulate lightning.

Volgin: He must die.

The Boss: Wait. He’s my apprentice. I’ll take care of him.

Volgin lets his arms hang by his side as The Boss turns to Snake.

The Boss: Jack, you can’t come with us.

The Boss holds out her hand. Snake hangs his head but takes her hand anyway: She grips his hand, pulling him towards her and elbowing him roughly in the abdomen. Snake hunches over her arm, but grasps the back of her head with his right hand, glaring at her. The Boss grasps the collar of Snake and throws him ruthlessly over the rope and towards the ravine below. Her bandana is torn off by Snake, who lets out an angry bellow, which quietens as he heads to the bottom of the ravine.

Brick: Aw. Fuck.

Steve [Aside, to Lynch]: I thought you said that, as long as you were here, nobody would be getting thrown off of the bridge.

Lynch: I meant our guys.

Steve: Did you?

Lynch [Calmly]: Steve, I lie. Is that so hard to believe?

Snake crashes into the water with a huge splash.

Joseph: Really hope he can swim.

Vince: That looks like it hurt quite badly.

Sal: Thanks, Sherlock. Any other nuggets of wisdom you wish to share?

Vince: That was a very high drop he just suffered.

Billy: Well, yeh did ask..

The Boss walks over to the side of the bridge, watching the rushing water below.

Volgin [Standing beside her]: Are we done here?

The Boss: Now, on to Sokolov’s research facility.

Volgin: Shagohod is ours!

Volgin walks away. The Boss grips the rope on the side of the bridge.

The Boss: Drift away…My place is with them now.

The Hind slowly lowers towards the bridge.

Lynch: So, what do we do now?

Volgin: Come with me.

Lynch: Well, lead the way.

Lynch leads the mercenaries across the bridge, following Volgin and moving past The Boss..


Back in Beale Street, Emilie is stood outside the Lamb and Flag, eyes shut as she sighs loudly, listening to the sounds of breaking glass, whooping and party poppers in the building behind her. She slowly opens her eyes, turning her head to the left and watching as Tavi slowly walks over to her, hands tucked in the pocket of her jeans beneath a thick, quilted black parka. She lets out a visible breath, chuckling as she stands near Emilie.

Tavi: Cold desert night, huh?

Emilie: Yes..

Tavi: You alright? Sitting here in the cold with nothing but laces and petticoats?

Emilie: Yes…

Tavi: The drunken assholes getting to you, huh?

Emilie [Quietly]: I hate this. I want to be out there with my love, killing his enemies.

Tavi [Chuckling]: That’s cute, hon, but you really don’t want to be out there.

Emilie: Why?

Tavi: They have a very unique habit of messing things up horribly.

Emilie [Frowning]: You speak ill of your allies?

Tavi [Chuckling]: Of course I do. Have you seen them? They’re hardly useful.

Emilie: What do you mean?

Tavi: Look at them! They’re hardly house-trained, they’ve been discharged from their militaries and they’re given the most unimportant location in the entire Academy area!

Emilie: Last I checked, this is one of the closest locations to the Suez Canal.

Tavi falls silent.

Tavi [In disbelief]: Are you telling me they’re stupid on purpose? Like, as a ruse?

Emilie: Have you not thought that they like to have mindless fun? Much like children, they have simple, one-dimensional tastes and pleasures. That does not make them stupid. Childish? Of course. Stupid? No.

Tavi: Hm. Guess I’ve never thought about it that way.

Emilie: You’ve lived amongst them and haven’t thought about it?

Tavi: No. It’s like when you hear a pneumatic drill: You don’t think about it, it just fucking annoys you.

Emilie: You underestimate them.

Tavi: I do?

Emilie: You mock them, but they have protected these arid lands for many years. You dislike them, but they keep you amongst them without penalty. You laugh at them, but they are trusted enough to be committed to a top secret mission with grave implications.

Tavi [Taken aback]: …Huh. I guess when you put it that way..

Emilie: You may speak ill of them, but they are highly trained men of worth. After all, do you think they would fail this mission? Let those who they were sworn to protect die? Ally themselves with a great evil? Of course they would not do that. They are heroes, regardless of your mockery.


The fleet of transport helicopters are beginning their flight away from the jungle, carrying the now-Volgin aligned group of mercenaries and transporting the Shagohod to its new location.

On Volgin’s helicopter are Ocelot, a member of the Ocelot Unit and an unidentified blonde female wearing glasses and a khaki uniform, complete with a short skirt, pale brown stockings and, oddly enough, black leather boots. Accompanying them are Lynch, Phil, Frank, Bob and Steve. Lynch is stood to the left of the helicopter, opposite from Volgin, gripping the side of the open door as he watches the landscape roll past under him.

Lynch: We let Big Boss die.

Steve: Yep.

Lynch [Bluntly]: …….Well, guess we better write that in our report.

Phil: “Failed mission by killing the asset we were supposed to protect”--

Lynch: We didn’t kill him!.....We just stood idly by, is all.

Phil: “Failed mission by failing to protect the asset”--

Lynch: Shut up!

Phil: Mother’s gonna have our nuts in a sling for this one.

Lynch: Not if we don’t return.

Phil: Wait, what?

Lynch: What if we don’t go back to our timeline? Let’s just…ride this one out.

Steve: You cannot be serious.

Lynch: I like my balls intact, thank you very much.

Lynch sighs, raising his head. Across from their Hind is a second Hind, the side doors open just like theirs. Standing in the open doorway is Brick, head leant out as he looks down, whooping loudly with his fishing hat in his hand.


Brick [Cupping his hands over his mouth]: HEY, BOSS, THIS IS SOME OLD SHIT RIGHT HERE I TELL YA!!! HIND’S AND SHIT?!?!?

Lynch [Cupping his hands over his mouth, angrily]: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!


Lynch slides the door shut with a resounding slam.

Lynch [Turning around]: I shall murder him.

Steve: Well, wait til we get back. We have a mission to complete.

Lynch: I’m mighty impatient, Steve.

Steve: Anyway, there’s probably a lot of murdering going on there anyway.

Lynch: I doubt that. We don’t murder, we get even in other ways. Sneaky, underhanded, vicious ways.


Back in Beale Street, Emilie gets to her feet, dusting off of her skirt.

Tavi: You alright?

Emilie: I’m going to head home. Maybe I’ll go and see Mother later.

Tavi: Are you sure about that? She’s very strict about her missions and you…Well, honey, you ain’t even trained.

Emilie: I have skills.

Tavi [Shrugging]: Either way, hon, she ain’t gonna like it.

Emilie [Smirking]: All I need is a sign and I’ll go to her.

As if at will, a few flakes of snow slowly drift from the sky, dropping on top of Emilie’s head. She looks up, watching as a small flurry of snow slowly begins to fall from the sky.

Emilie: ..Snow….

Tavi [Looking to the sky]: Snow. Never seen it before?

Emilie [Quietly]: I never knew it could fall here…

Tavi holds out her arms, feeling the snow fall as she smiles.

Tavi: The snow glows white on the mountain night. Not a footprint to be seen..A kingdom of isolation, and it looks like I’m the queen! The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside, couldn’t keep it in; Heaven knows I’ve tried! Don’t let them in, don’t let them see, be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know…Well, now they know! Let it go! Let it go! Can’t hold it back anymore!

Emilie watches, her mouth hanging agape in slight horror.

Emilie: What are you doing?

Tavi: Singing.

Emilie slowly slides down the wall, hugging her knees to her chest and covering her ears. Crumpet places his paws over his own ears, huddling against Emilie’s neck. Tavi spins on the spot, holding out her arms.

Tavi: Let it go! Let it go! Turn away and slam the door! I don't care what they're going to say! Let the storm rage on…The cold never bothered me anyway!

The doors to the Lamb and Flag open and Stephen LaMarr takes a step outside. He stops, taking one look at Tavi before slowly shaking his head and turning back around.

Stephen LaMarr [Jabbing his thumb over his shoulder]: NAH LADS, IT’S JUST THE FURRY! SHE’S GONE FUCKING NUTS!

The doors to the Lamb and Flag are shut as Emilie starts rocking slightly.

Tavi: It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small; And the fears that once controlled me, can't get to me at aaaaalllll! It's time to see what I can do, to test the limits and break through! No right, no wrong, no rules for meeeeee, I'm freeeeeeeee!

Emilie [Quietly]: Please stop..

Tavi: Let it go! Let it go! I am one with the wind and skyyyyy! Let it go! Let it go! You’ll never see me cryyyyyy! Heeere I staaaaaaand! And heeeeere I’ll staaaaayyyyyy! Let the storm rage ooooooonnn!

The doors open once more and Maurice peers his head out, looking on in disbelief.

Maurice: Aw, fuck, he was right!

Maurice slams the door shut as Tavi ignores them, her head looking at the sky as she takes in the snow!

Tavi: My power flurries through the air into the grooouuund! My soul is spiralling in frozen fractals all aroooouuund! And one thought crystallizes like an icy blaaaaassst! I’m never going back! The past is in the paaaaaaasst! Let it go! Let it go! And I’ll rise like the break of daaaawn! Let it go! Let it go! That perfect girl is gooooone! HERE I STAND, IN THE LIGHT OF DAY!! LET THE STORM RAGE OOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!! The cold never bothered me anyway..

Tavi nods her head, snorting and tearing off her parka, tossing it aside. The entire street falls still, and sound stops within the Lamb and Flag.

Emilie [Shaking her head]: I really wish I was on this mission now.

Tavi: Sometimes, you’ve just gotta--

Emilie: Please do not say ‘let it go’.

The doors to the Lamb and Flag open and Rick Sykes head peers out, looking at Tavi.

Rick Sykes: Was that you singing that shitty fucking song from a shitty fucking film?

Tavi: Yes.

Rick Sykes [Shaking his head]: You, woman, have issues. Don’t fucking do that again.

Rick slams the doors to the Lamb and Flag shut. Tavi grins wickedly.

Tavi: Say, Emilie, do you want to play a little prank?

Emilie: Does it involve these troglodytes?

Tavi [Evilly]: Yes. Very much so.

Emilie: Then yes, please! I would enjoy it much more than singing!

Tavi reaches into her back pocket, pulling out a small, rotund ball with a black fuse: A cherry bomb. With her free hand, she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a box of matches, looking around. She turns around and stops: In the alleyway opposite is a dearth of building materials, remnants of when Al and Dick had a variety of competitions to see who could outdo the other and score the most visitors. Tavi nods towards the alleyway, specifically a pile of six pieces of lumber peering just out of the entrance.

Tavi: Grab a plank, Emilie.

Emilie [Grinning goofily]: Oh my goodness! I have not experienced such fun for a long time!

Emilie trots quickly over to the alleyway, grasping a slender plank of wood which she quickly pulls out, revealing its relatively short, roughly two feet in length. Holding it in both hands, she quickly turns around and walks back over to Tavi.

Tavi: See those door handles? Put it through them.

Emilie: Post haste!

Emilie slots the plank through the door handles, effectively barring the door shut. Emilie claps her hands, grinning brightly. Tavi holds the cherry bomb out to Emilie who takes it before lighting a match, also handing it towards Emilie.

Tavi: Emilie. The honours go to you.

Emilie lights the cherry bomb, placing it delicately at the foot of the door before both her and Tavi scuttle away a few feet, watching. After a few moments, a small explosion scars the air. Tavi and Emilie listen closely as the sounds of dozens of boots hit the wooden floor, growing louder before being punctuated by the sound of thudding and yelping, the door shuddering and shaking as dozens of bodies slam into it.

Tavi [Grinning, nodding]: They truly are their son’s fathers.

Emilie: What now?

Tavi: Let’s go. They will find a way out. Until then, let us enjoy the New Year.

Tavi and Emilie walk up the street. A few moments later, Boris Hellgenstrand dives through the right-hand window which shatters violently. He rolls through, quickly getting to his feet and looking around.

Boris Hellgenstrand: WHO GOES THERE—

Boris is flattened as David Ross leaps through the broken window, tackling him to the ground…


The mercenaries look around, confused at hearing voices of known comrades seemingly emerge from the ether.

Phil [Cocking an eyebrow]: We shouldn’t have been able to hear that. I guess the time streams are awfully fragile.

Steve: Well, considering we’re converging two different points of time, I’m surprised the weakness of the time stream isn’t more pronounced. Like, where we fight velociraptors.

Bob: Does the Man in the Banana Suit count?

Steve: I notice how we never ran into him this year.

Lynch [Mumbling]: Give it fucking time..

Phil: Man, that sounds exciting.

Steve: Fighting velociraptors does not sound all too exciting to me.

The mercenaries watch as Volgin drops to his knees, letting out a hissing rumble of laughter as he flips open the gun crates: One reveals a small, red nuclear warhead, and the other a missile launcher of some description.

Phil: Ooo, new toy, Colonel?

Volgin slowly rises to his feet, clasping a large handle on the launcher.

Volgin: Excellent. A great success! Thanks to the Boss and her Cobras, I have Sokolov and the Shagohod…

Lynch: We helped.

Volgin: You certainly did. And your reward is not dying.

Steve: I find that to be a highly underrated reward.

Ocelot sniffs the air audibly before rising from his seat, turning to the young blonde and moving behind Volgin.

Ocelot: What are we going to do with the girl?

Volgin [Looking over his shoulder]: Who is she?

Ocelot: Apparently, she’s Sokolov woman.

Phil: No fucking chance!

Volgin turns, walking towards her. The woman shuffles away, turning her head away, but Volgin grasps her chin and pulls her head to face him.

Volgin: She’s a nice catch. I’ll take her.

The woman slowly reaches for her skirt pocket.

Bob [Pointing]: SHE GOT A GUN!

Volgin quickly grabs her arm, pulling it towards him to reveal a tube of lipstick. Volgin takes it and opens it to reveal no lipstick, but instead a small barrel.

Volgin: A kiss of death? Well, you were half-right.

Ocelot: Are you KGB?

Lynch: CIA?

Phil: MI-Five?

Volgin: Either way, we may be able to use her.

Volgin grasps her hand again, forcing the ‘lipstick’ tube into it.

Volgin: She has spunk.

Phil sniggers. Volgin reaches inside the metal crates, loading the nuclear warhead into the launcher.

Frank: Just don’t, Phil.

Phil: What? I was agreeing with him.

Lynch [Quietly]: Goddammit Phil, stop agreeing with the enemy!

Phil [Whispering]: Look, if they haven’t killed us yet, I refuse to class them as an enemy. And will you shut up? We’re double agents now.

Ocelot: Shall we take her back to base?

Volgin: Well, we have no further use for Sokolov’s research facility and I wish to test out this new toy. Any objections, please raise them.

Lynch [Quietly]: Me.

Volgin: Why are you so quiet?

Phil: My commanding officer seems to wish to express his hesitancy at launching a nuke into that jungle.

Lynch scowls. Volgin walks over to the side of the Hind, aiming the launcher out of it.

Volgin: Any objections? I repeat, any objections?

Ocelot and Lynch [In unison]: I--

Volgin: Overruled.

Ocelot: But Colonel, even if they are our enemies, they are still our countrymen!

Volgin: I’m well aware of that. But I’m not the one pulling the trigger: It’s our friend, the American defector.

Ocelot [Angrily, grasping Volgin]: YOU’RE GOING TO NUKE YOUR FELLOW RUSSIANS!!!

Volgin shoves Ocelot, causing him to stumble to the right and hit the floor.  Volgin simply girds himself.

Volgin: Remember the Alamo.

Lynch: Davy Crockett never fired no nukes.

Phil: I’m sure if he had a nuke, he’d have launched it right up Santa Anna’s arse.

Volgin: Exactly.

Lynch [Angrily]: Phil!!

Volgin: So, there are no objections?

Lynch: THERE ARE--

Volgin: Overruled.

Volgin presses the button on the handle. With a huge explosion and a burst of smoke, the warhead surges forward from the launcher. After a few moments, a fiery mushroom cloud rises from the jungle, sending a shockwave cascading towards them. The fleet shudders somewhat, but remains resolute as it continues to fly forward.


Volgin: My word is law. Yours is not. And while I appreciate that Kosygin has brought you here, I will not appreciate further insubordination.

Lynch walks away, clutching his lower jaw in shock and irritability, marching to the opposite side of the helicopter and folding his arms. Frank walks over, hands in his pockets.

Frank [Quietly]: Lynch?

Lynch: Snake’s still down there.

Frank: Is he dead?

Lynch: I hope not, otherwise we basically just fucked this up in record time.

Frank [Quietly]: Nah, he’s gotta be alive. Gotta be.

Lynch: I fucking hope you’re right..

The helicopters fly into the sunset, the scene fading to black.