On 26th April 2008..
A Story of Several Man in their pursuit of a safe place was published.
It was a mix of shameless cameo appearances and the authors own friends.
It spawned a story which would map what happened in Metal Gear Solid, but which the author was too lazy to publish.
It also spawned mini-stories which made these Mercenaries have a life of their own..
This new year..2009..
The Mercenaries Will Ride Again.
SHAKING! AND! BAKING!
And running, of course.
Phil walks into the Lamb and Flag and sits at a table with Crying Wolf, That Other Random Guy, Dave and Bob. Crying Wolf shudders
Crying Wolf: I just had an orgasm
Phil: MAMMA MIA!
He dives out of the nearest window
A Ku Klux Klan member dressed in his hooded robe approaches a table for Mercenary applications where Steve and Frank are sat
Frank: Sorry, no Ghosts allowed
The Ku Klux Klan member whines and trudges off
We see Steve looting a dead body as a policeman walks over, prodding him with his baton
Policeman: Excuse me, sir, did you know it is a crime to steal off a dead body and you could be sentenced to a minimum of two years imprisonment?
Policeman: I’m afraid you’re coming with us..
Two more policemen arrive, only for the cocking of AK-47s to fill the air as several mercenaries appear in the windows of the surrounding buildings, aiming at them. Frank dives out of the nearest window, cocking his Magnum .44. Dave walks down the street, carrying a Minigun on his back. Obese Maurice blocks off the exit behind them. Sal appears carrying a German Mauser pistol. Phil appears on a set of stairs aiming a Desert Eagle with Crying Wolf aiming a railgun behind him. Screaming Mantis appears on the horizon in her battle suit. Raging Raven aims her grenade launcher. Laughing Octopus aims her P90. Samoa Joe, Kurt Angle, Jeff Jarrett, Chris Sabin, Alex Shelley and Colt Cabana appear with their arms folded.
Policeman: Holy shit.
Policeman: Weapons offence--
The square fills with a bright blaze of gunfire
Dick Head: Will you guys just shake hands already??!!
Moe the Midget smashes a bottle against the bar and charges at them, they scream and run out
A random civilian is walking down the street, only for Dave to run by and hit him in the back of the head with a baseball bat
Steve: Was that necessary?
Steve skewers a man with a trident
Bob walks by
Jim grabs another civilian and snaps his neck
Jimmy: I say gents, whos up for a cup of tea?
Billy: Ooo..that would be spiffing!
Billy pulls out a crowbar and rips out another civilians spine
Billy walks into his house and stubs his toe
Billy: FUCKING MOTHERFUCKER BITCHING WANKER CUNT!!
Frank leans out of the window of the flat opposite
Frank: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU ASSWANK!
Phil leans out
Phil: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU COCKMONKEYS!
Alex Shelley, Chris Sabin, That Hispanic Guy, That Random Guy and Brick are stood around Samoa Joe sitting at a table eating bull testicles
Samoa Joe: I CAN'T!
Chris Sabin: ONE MORE JOE! ONE MORE!
Joe: MY GOD! THEY'RE SO FISHY YET SO GOOEY!
Alex Shelley: One more Joe! JUST ONE MORE!
Samoa Joe picks up the bull testicle dripping with clear liquid and stuffs it into his mouth, chewing quickly and swallowing quickly before running over to the fridge and pouring can upon can of Coors down his throat
All: WOOHOO! WE WIN THE BET!
Brick: Do I have to?
Brick sighs and everyone lines up, Sabin stands at the front of the line, takes a huge run and boots Brick viciously in the balls. He collapses instantly
Brick: HOLY MOTHER FUCK!
Shelley: Ooo! My turn!
Kurt Angle stands on a diving board above a pool of piranhas with meatloaf covering his groin and chest
Angle: Are you sure its safe??!!
Jeff Jarrett gives the thumbs up and he dives down.
Angle: FUCK!! THEY'RE BITING!!
Jeff Jarrett: Paddle slapnuts!
Angle tries to swim, but the piranhas keep biting him
Colt Cabana: Come on! Swim!
He keeps on screaming
AJ Styles: Ahh..lets leave him!
They walk away from the pool, leaving Angle to jump out, now naked and covered in piranhas as Screaming Mantis walks along
Screaming Mantis: You're coming with me!
MORE BAD EXAMPLES!
Frank lays on the couch, surrounded by bottles. Will walks in and covers his nose
Will: Aww..what the fuck? I'm trying to bang someone without a condom in he--Oh my god!!
Dave walks in from the kitchen
Will holds up a bottle of empty Old Spice
Will: HE DRANK THE OLD SPICE!!!!
Dave: It's only aftershave!
Will then holds up a yellow, empty bottle of Domestos
Dave: It's onl--Umm..that could be a problem, but at least his tonsils are clean!
Frank walks into his kitchen, clean shaving, wearing a suit and with his hair slicked back
Bob: Good to see you sober at last!
Frank: Well, old chap, it is good to BE sober! I must have something to eat!
A red toaster with an LCD display suddenly boots up
Toaster: I'm talkie! The talking toaster! Talkies the name, Toastings the game!
Frank: Thanks, but I want cere--
Talkie: Would you like some toast?
Frank: No, I want a bowl of--
Talkie: Would you like a toasted teacake?
Frank: No, I just want--
Talkie: Would you like a crumpet?
Frank: I only want Weeta--
Talkie: Would you like a Croissant?
Frank: JUST SHUT UP!!
Talkie: Can I ask something?
Talkie: Would you like a Cheese and Ham Breville?
Frank screams and yanks open the fridge, downing a six pack of Magners cider in record time before collapsing on the floor, wearing only a pair of boxers, growing a slight beard with his hair messy
Bob: I knew we shouldn't have bought that.
Phil walks into a room, followed by Brick, Sal, Steve, Billy, Bill, Jimmy, Jim and Jon
Phil: Ok, roll-call! Brick!
Phil: Chuck Norris!
Chuck Norris: Here!
Frank: This Domestos tastes nice..
Laughing Octopus: Was that a pigeon?
Moe the Midget: No, it was a head with wings
That Hispanic Guy: Is your hunk of meat moving?
That Other Random Guy: Nope
Bill: I voted McCain!
That Random Guy: You know, I understand how low our author will go just to get views, but this is just pushing it!
Chuck Norris: What do you mean?
Billy: Why the fuck do we have to have Naruto as a cameo appearance??!!!
Samoa Joe: To appease any Otaku that might visit
Naruto: I WILL be Hokage, BELIEVE IT!
Sal: Believe this, motherfucker
Sal pulls out a machete and chops off Narutos legs, with Chuck Norris delivering a swift roundhouse kick and knocking Narutos head clean into the sky
Sal: Score one for Mercenaries, score minus fifty for Gaia Online, Otaku, Conventions and Anime Geeks in general!
That Random Guy picks up the body and throws it onto a pile of fifty loved anime characters including Sasuke, Itachi and more
Obese Maurice, wearing the worlds largest khaki shirt, desert scarf, desert camo pants and boots walks into the Lamb and Flag
Phil: Hello Obese Maurice!
Maurice: Ow do lads!
Steve stabs a guy with a trident
Laughing Octopus cackles loudly. That Hispanic Guy snaps at an Outer Haven troop with his bullwhip.
That Hispanic Guy: COMOS DEAS!!
That Random Guy and That Other Random Guy walk in off the street randomly where a Gekko runs by with Liquid Ocelot riding it. A band starts playing 'I Will Walk 500 Miles' in the pub before Screaming Mantis destroys it. Old Snake walks into the pub in a cardboard box. AJ Styles starts to beat up Kurt Angle, whos' beating up Samoa Joe. Chuck Norris simply stands there
Phil: You know, its great the author is doing things the traditional way!
Frank stumbles by with a bottle of bourbon in his hand, firing randomly at the ceiling. Daves firing and cackling and Steve starts to randomly dance on a table
Crying Wolf: Oh..yeah..
Phil: Oh fuck.
Crying Wolf pounces on him and starts making out with him. Sal, Jim, Brick, Billy, Bill, Jon, Vince, Jimmy and Jim run in randomly before running out.
Will: You stay classy readers!
He smirks and carries off a blonde prostitute as the screen fades