Chapter I - Mercenaries
In the Middle East in the future, war was tearing the whole world apart. Except..war was outlawed. Ever since the Manhattan Incident, conflicts between countries had been agreed to cease. This is where demand for mercenaries came in.
It only took a short time for Liquid Ocelot, Liquid Snake taking over Revolver
Ocelots body, to take over, and create Outer Haven. A dummy company created in the mantra of Big Bosses perfect world. This dummy company created war, and was under the stranglehold of the Patriots, who were nameless..shapeless.
It was Liquid Ocelots goal to create Big Bosses perfect world by initiating a mass war.
It's up to Old Solid Snake to stop it!
However, there seems to be some...strange company near him.
Outer Haven was fighting the Mercenaries! It was clear who was good and bad. The Good guys were wearing Middle Eastern garb to protect themselves from the harsh sun, while the Outer Haven soldiers were dressed in skin-tight modern warfare suits, along with having nanomachines inside their bodies.
Meanwhile, a group of mercnearies are beside a roaring bulldozer, rattling building foundations of the bomb-ruined streets.
4 of them stood out.
Their identities were secret. They were clearly British, judging by the accents of which they spoke, despite wearing Middle Eastern garb. Why wear this? They are clearly aligned with these mercenaries. However, it's about to go to shit..thanks to the Patriots and Liquid Ocelot.
All 4 men trotted along the sandy concrete merrily beside the path of a roaring bulldozer which was starting to rumble through to clear a path for them. There were around 50 mercenaries, including the driver. Everything was smooth until..
Driver: What the fuck?!
Head Honcho: You 4, go check it out
4 mercenaries: Each with an insignia sewn onto the upper right shoulderblade of their khaki shirts to easily identify their names, slowly trundled around to check it out. What they saw was the vision of a nightmare.
It was a huge mechanical robot, on all fours like a canine. It's small, wiry, metal tail was swaying above its bod as it started to lifts its head, attempting to flip the bulldozer
Phil: Can you please stop that?
Bob: It's considered rude.
They turned silent, swearing they could hear a crying sound
Steve: I think it's crying.
David: Let's shoot it to confirm our safety
The 4 young men started to unload their round of AK bullets off the ass of the robot. Too bad it did no damage, leaving the bare minimum of polish-scratches. As whispering amongst the large group started to increase, so did the fear. The rugged and heavily facial-haired Head Honcho, wearing a long, white desert robe and a gray headscarf, ran to the group of mercenaries, screaming wildly
Honcho: THE BEASTS!!! THEY'RE HERE!!
M1: Ah fuck
M2: This is bad, Bill
M1: Tell me about it
There was a loud screeching sound emitted from the skies as all 4 men popped their heads around the bulldozer
Phil: Turn it down, we have our own problems here!
All they saw was a metallic blur as 5 mercenaries were hacked in half at the hip by the blur. The 5 mercenaries turned around and saw a huge metallic raven, swopping coldly into the skty with blood dripping from its right wing.
Dave: That right there..that means we have a problem
Steve: What about this?
The driver had bailed from the bulldozer, but was crushed as the wolf flipped the bulldozer with ease
Phil: What about what, buddy?
Steve: The wolf
Bob: Well, it's obvious we're screwed, isn't it?
Dave: No shit
The raven started to scream 'RAGE! RAGE!' as all 5 men screamed and ran forwards. Mercenaries were firing wildly as one man walked backwards into something.
Phil: What's that?
Bob: BIG MAMA!
Dave: No, I don't see Martin Lawrence
M3: It's clearly a mechanic bipedal robot with metal tentacles coming from its body and head
Trapped Mercenary: So its behind me?
Phil: Pretty much
The trapped mercenary sighed and turned around, looking into the glowing, bloodthirsty robotic red eyes of the sadistic robot
Trapped Mercenary: How are you going to kill me?
The robot started to laugh
Steve: I heard about this one!
All 6 mercenaries started to flip through the MGS4 game manual
Bob: It's Laughing Octopus!
Trapped Mercenary: That isn't good, is it?
Phil: Not in the slightest.
The tentacles started to wrap around the mercenaries body
Trapped Mercenary: I say, buy me a drink first!
Phil: I think undrunk sex is the least of your worries, bud
M3: Yup, bye dude
M4: Can I watch?
The octopus slowly started to wind around the mercenary tighter until blood squirted out of every orifice until he limped down. The octopus quickly tossed him down
M4: Shall we run?
Bob: Wait..let it make its move..
A mercenary started clutching his head groggily, yelling out
M5: What's wrong, Joey?
Bob points to a large, praying mantis-style robot in the air. The 2 normal arms were clutching 2 puppets by strings, as well as several extra arms protruding grossly from the head
As Joey grabs his Ak to kill the mercenaries, the Head Honcho shoots him with a Desert Eagle. Only 15 mercenaries remain, including our 4 lovable klutzes. Everything goes silent, except for the Octopuses laughing, and the Wolfs crying.
Head Honcho: How fucked are we?
M3: Undoubly so, yes
They all started huddled in a circle, Dave was in the very middle, hiding. The Mantis, Wolf, Octopus and presumably, Raven, kept watching silently
M7: Why are they just watching?!!!!
Phil: Enjoying us go crazy
Steve sighs and walks forward
Steve: We come..in peace!!
The octopus fires a few bullets at his feet. he screams and runs back into the huddle.
M8: How long are we going to stay here?
M9: Until we die
M1: Which could be any second now
Phil: Shall we run?
Dave: Soon..let us see what happens!
Bob: Dave..we're cornered by sadistic animal robots controlled by mentally scarred bloodthirsty women, I doubt it'll have a happy, unviolent ending.
Dave: Oh..I suppose..
They stood and waited for a few seconds before..
Bob: They obviously don't like our attempts at civil conversation
Phil: No shit
Dave: Miss Octopus? Can you just kill us?
Dave: Be that way, bitch!
Phil: Be nice, Dave.
Dave: **** that ****, you ****ing *******
Finally, Crying Wolf started to edge a bit closer. The group slowly sidestepped once together. It took another step, the huddle sidestepped again
M11: I bet it wants a hug
Phil: I bet it wants a lot of things. A hug is not one of them!
Head Honcho: Shall we run?
Dave: And piss them off? I think not!
One of the mercenaries bends down and picks up a guitar from beneath the sand
Guitar Mercenary: Pretty handy
Steve: I'll say
Another mercenary bends down and picks up a tambourine
Tambourine Mercenary: Incredibly handy!
Phil looks to his side, where a drum set has appeared from seemingly nowhere
Phil: What kind of sketch is this?
A mercenary walks forward and sits on a stool in front of the drums. Raging Raven finally lands next to Crying Wolf. Now all the B.A.T.B unit are watching
Bob: DON'T YOU DARE!!!
Phil: OH GOD, NO!
M13: We're really screwed, aren't we?
Head Honcho: JESUS, HELP US!!!
The band start to play..
Mercenary Band: And I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk 500 more! Yes, i'll be that man who walks 5000--
Crying Wolf bursts forward and sends the band flying against the wall behind them, killing them instantly
Phil: Should we run or thank it first?
Head Honcho: We made them angry!
Dave: AH FUCK!
The whole huddle starts to run away, still perfectly in the huddle. The Raven screeches and flies up in a burst of cold wind. The Mantis takes a bow and disappears, letting its sickening sadistic colleagues toy with the mercenaries
Steve jumps up and lays down on top of the small sea of running mercenaries
Steve: PEARL JAM! PEARL JAM!
The huddle keeps running. The Raven swoops down, but they scatter and dive into the buildings on each side, ducking the shadows
Dave: Safe or dead, Bob?
Dave: Don't be so pessimistic!
Bob: I'm not, but here comes the Wolf
Crying Wolf runs by so fast that it overshoots the buildings
Phil: Unlucky! YOU SUCK! WHOOO!!
Laughing Octopus is starting to quickly make its way towards them.
The mercenaries come together in a huddle
Head Honcho: What's the plan?
Head Honcho: I like that plan! What's our running music?
Phil: Please don't be 500 miles
Head Honcho: No, we can see the effects of that
They turn back, watching their dead colleagues lie motionless on the ground beneath the blood splatter on the wall near them
Head Honcho: So what is it?
Raging Raven: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
Bob: Evenflow by Pearl Jam
Head Honcho: I'll take it!
'Evenflow' starts to play as the mercenaries start to run away as fast as they can. They dive to the ground, feeling the powerful wind beneath the ravens wings go over them. They get to their feet and start running
Phil: Oh fuck!
Crying Wolf charges at them, Phil vanishes
Dave: Where's Phil?
They look back, seeing that Phil is clutching onto Crying Wolfs metal tail. The speed of the Wolf is making his body jump up a few a feet of the ground before smashing into the ground repeatedly
Phil: I'm!! OW!! still!!! OWWWW!!! alive!! GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Crying Wolf starts to spin in circles, but the mercenary group run around a corner and stop, catching their breath
Head Honcho: Hows Phil?
Dave pops his head around the corner of a house which has been near-blew to smithereens
Dave: Hanging on
Phil flies into the top floor of a wall-less building
Dave: he's off, he looks safe!
Laughing Octopus starts to cackle as it goes up the stairs
Steve: Run, Phil, Run!!!!
The Raven swoops down again. Everyone dives to the ground, except Steve, but none of Steves body is on the ground
We see Steve clutching desperately onto the head of Raging Raven
Steve: I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!!
Phil finally joins the group again
Dave: That was fast
Phil: I know. I decided to take a shortcut.
We see a flashback of Phil pointing behind Laughing Octopus. She turns her head slightly, and we see Phil jump down onto the street and run from Crying Wolf to the tune of 'Hearts On Fire'
M11: THAT'S IT!!
Head Honcho: What?
M11: I'M GOING TO HUG CRYING WOLF!!
Dave: Ah go, you retard.
The mercenary walks forwards with his arms wide
Mercenary: Crying Wolf? I'm here to hug you!
Crying Wolf simply stares
She keeps staring
Mercenary: I'll just hug you..
The mercenary walks forward and hugs Crying Wolf, but is smashed against a wall as Crying Wolf speeds forward and skids around the corner to face the mercenaries
Phil: Is this good?
Phil: I can tell
Phil: Yeah, look behind us
The mercenaries turn around to see Laughing Octopus cackling wildly as she looks down at them. Ste is dropped into the huddle by Raging Raven, quickly facing Crying Wolf, but Bob grabs him, lifts him, and turns him to face Laughing Octopus
Head Honcho: Are we dead?
Crying Wolf howls loudly, starting to emit sobbing sounds again
Phil: I believe so.
Chapter 2 - Only Gets Better With Age
We continue where we left our bit-playing klutzes: Surrounding by the Beauty And The Beast unit. Forget Disney, start thinking beautiful women mentally scarred by horrors of war, turning heir body into mechanical war machines.
The mercenaries kept their footing careful, still tightened into a huddle. Dave looked up into Laughing Octopuses red, glowing eyes
Dave: Look, will you just kill us and get it done with?
M12: Ah, but they're thinking 'Where's the fun in that?'
Raging Ravens head nods slightly
M1: Should we run?
M2: And die, Frank? I think not!
Frank: We'll die anyway, Bill, so why wait?
Bob: Will you two shut up, and wait..
Everything goes silent. Nothing is heard for minutes.
Phil: Maybe we should just run
Head Honcho: Shut up!!
Phil: What now, eh? We're stuck in a never-ending trailer, and I need a piss, dammit!!
Phil rubs his earlobes
One of the mercenaries start to hum 500 miles
Bill: I swear to God if you start singing, John, i'll punch you in the stomach!
Finally. Laughing Octopus approached. Her tentacles swaying, one of them latched its 3 prongs around Bobs stomach
Phil: IT'S GETTING BOB!!
The tentacle remains there, and Bob looks underwhelmed
Crying Wolf takes a few slow steps forward. Phil lets out a suicidal scream and runs at her, but she sobs louder and he runs back into the huddle
Phil: See that? I totally taught her a lesson--
Head Honcho: --On how not to fight!
Raging Raven takes a few steps forward
Steve: Oh god, it's coming! Armageddon! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
The mercenaries look around at eachother as Laughing Octopus emits a cold cackle
Steve: Stop laughing, it's really freaky!
Phil quickly runs out of the huddle and runs down the street into the distance
Head Honcho: Son of a bitch!!
Phil is heard laughing in the distance until Crying Wolf turns around and blasts after him. A scream is heard and Phil is seen running faster
Bob: I'm taking a stand!
Bob walks up to Laghing Octopus and punches her hard in the face. She falls down faster than a sack of potatoes.
Head Honcho: That was stupid Bob
Head Honcho: Because she's back up
Bob watches as Laughing Octopus towers over him
Octopus grabs Bob with her tentacles and she starts to walk off
Bob: Be gentle!!
Head Honcho: That's it. I surrender.
Dean: You..surrender? That's the trailer, is it?
A silence follows, until Phil runs past screaming, still chased by Crying Wolf.
Head Honcho: ...
Dean: You fucking muppet.
For Old Snake, seeing this kind of war made him feel sad. It didn't seem like so long ago that he was fighting off Metal Gear REX in Shadow Moses. As he slipped his cigarette into his wrinkled lips, he drew out a smooth sigh, knowing that this could very well be his final mission. He pulled out his AK102 machine-gun and his Knife, holding it at the ready close to the sights and slowly peeked from around the corner.
There was nothing but a deserted street ahead. In front of Snake was a bomb-ruined building which had most of its whitewashed walls blew off. Sand was starting to settle from the ferocious winds on the paths, and the roads were practically ruined by craters and bullet holes. In the distance, he heard the sounds of a vicious gunfight raging on between Outer Haven and the Mercenaries. Childs play, he thought. But then again, it was his job to stop Outer Haven expanding its tentacles across the world and plummeting it into Armageddon.
Neither enemies nor friends, Snake stepped out. There were no mercenaries, and the fighting was further away than imagined. keeping his rifle and knife at the ready, he heard a bellowing, pain-riddled scream in a building very close to him. Keeping low in posture, he slowly snuck forward and hid behind a pile of sandbags. Slowly stepping up and raising his rifle, he heard the sound of quick, irregular footsteps come down the wooden stairs in the adjacent building. He heard a loud wolfs howl and readied his gun further, his bullet squeezing the trigger grip.
He took aim carefully, but it only turned it to be a mercenary emerging from the building. with only baggy white pants on supported with his ammo belt. There were claw wounds across his chest, and blood was dripping onto the floor. Snake gave a small grunt and lowered his weapon, taking a puff of smoke from the cigarette
Phil: No, for Gods sake, shoot me in the head!
There was a small crying sound as Crying Wolf ran forward, put its mechanical mouth around Phils leg, and dragged him back into the building
Phil: OH GOD, PLEASE SHOOT ME!!! PLEASE!! OH GOD NO!
Snake fired a shot, but it missed as Phil disappeared. The Head Honcho appeared beside him and patted his shoulder
Head Honcho: Areas clear...What's up?
Old Snake: What is a mechanical wolf doing on the battleifled?
The mercenary raised his weapon with a look of panic in his eyes
Head Honcho: CRYING WOLF, WHERE??!!!
Snake: ..It just dragged a man into a building
Head Honcho: Oh, that's Phil
Snake :..."Phil"...What's his codename?
Head Honcho: We don't have codenames. We're bit parts. My names Frank. We ran into those beasts a while ago.
Phil runs out, again, out of breath. He looks at Snake
Phil: SHOOT ME!!
Frank: Phil, just run!!
Phil runs towards them and skids to a halt
Frank: Where's the rest?
Frank: Where is he?
Phil: Laughing Octopus has him
Frank: He's being tortured??!!!
Frank: How can it be worse?
Phil: Remember that syringe we found ages ago, just strewn on the battlefield?
Phil: I can experience some of Bobs thoughts thanks to nanomachines
Phil stands still for a moment.
Phil: Well, better him than me
Frank: What's going on?
Phil: Well, this is just the Preview, right? And this isn't even the Boss preview! It's Snakes preview!
Phil: They're out of character!
Frank: Killing more violently?
Phil: Laughing Octopus is doing something much, much worse with her tentacles
Frank: SWEET JESUS NO!
Phil: Yes. Hell yes.
Frank: But you--
Phil: Let's not talk about it.
Frank: How did you--
Phil: Survive? I just put the happiest thought at the front of my mind
Frank: I didn't mean that, I meant doing--
Phil: Shut up.
Snake: Shall we continue with the story?
All 3 men started to walk away as Frank handed Phil a large brown and white desert scarf
Snake: So how did--
Phil: Another word and I swear to God i'll punch you in the face!!
All 3 men walked through the battlefield. The gunshots and explosions were getting much closer now. Phil had found a shotgun on the floor near the dead body of an Outer Haven soldier, and Frank was armed with a Colt .45
Frank: So, Snake, you need to enter this building?
He pointed to a place on the map
Snake: Yes..I need to be there..
Franl: We'll accompany you so far, as long as you don't kill us
Phil: What if he does?
Frank: Procedure states we lie on the floor motionless, bleeding to death
Phil: Oh ha-fucking-ha! You really should be on Channel 4!
Frank: Phil, fucking stop, you're breaking down the 4th wall, and it means Mr. Kojima will totally remove you from the game!!
All of a sudden, a swooping sound is heard as Steve is dropped to the ground, he rolls across the road a few feet before stopping and standing up
Phil: BRO! You're alive!
Steve: KILL ME!! PLEASE!!
Phil: You too, huh?
Steve: You will never know the agony we endured!!
5 more mercenaries from the previous huddle are dropped down
M3: I had to give her a bath!
M4: Fuck you, Jimmy, I had to scrub her back!
Frank: But..she's a robot..
Jimmy: I KNOW!! But Kojima loves for us to do random things!! I hate him!!
M5: Look, what's done is done, we should find the rest of our comrades--
No sooner than the mercenary says that, then 6 mercenaries sidle out of a building to the side of them, a cruel screaming sound heard in the distance
M8: Goddamn bitch!
Dave appears in front of them, his hands covered in black oil
Dave: I HAD TO RUB MANTIS'S BACK!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY???!!!
Phil: Join the line, Dave, we each did things we regret.
M11: I had to service her.
There's an uneasy silence between Snake and the mercenaries
Frank: What did you say, Dean?
Dean: .....I had to service her..
Steve: GIGGITY GOO!!
Snake: Look, can we proceed with--
Frank: FUCKING SICK, MAN!!
M15: AWWWW DUDE!!!!
M14: You freakin' psycho!!
Phil: Where's Bob?
4 mercenaries appear from behind them, hoisting up Bob with his arms around their shoulders
Frank: Shit, Bob!! WHat happened?!
M16: She...did terrible things..
Dean: Speak, Tommy, speak!!
All: AWWW SICK!!!
Dean: YET AROUSING!!
The mercenaries sidestep away from Dean
Snake: CAN WE CONTINUE WITH MY MISSION??!!!
Frank: Sorry Snake..forward men!!
The mercenaries stick in their huddle, having just helped Snake walk down a simple street, as Snake salutes them.
Snake: Thank you for the.........help..take this
He hands Frank a ration
Frank: Thanks Snake..and Thank you for helping us with those goddamn Praying Mantis troops..good luck..you will need it!
Snake slowly slinks off as the camera focuses on Snake. The mercenaries sigh as gunshots start sounding
Frank: Well, we got some troops to kill!
A familiar sobbing sound is heard as Crying Wolf slinks towards the huddle. Phil sighs and takes a step forward
Phil: Wolf, stop, when the game comes in, I know you'll kill me.
Crying Wolf sobs louder
Phil: Oh come on! Stop!
Steve: Phil, I had to endure Raging Raven
Dave: You think Screaming Mantis goes gentle?
Phil: Fuck off.
Dave: Just do it, then we can put this sketch behind us.
Phil sighs and walks over to Crying Wolf
Phil: Be gentle, I bruise easily!!!
Crying Wolf drags Phil away. The mercenaries slowly huddle around the building, shouldering their AKs.
Dave: Ok, so what do we do?
Head Honcho: Snakes advancing with his mission to assassinate Liquid Ocelot, so we just fight the Outer Haven troops
Dean: Isn't that boring?
Phils screams start to pierce the air
Dave: KEEP IT DOWN!!! Anyway, it is, but it's for Snake, poor blighters old.
Dean: Duh! I know that!
Jim: So, fight Outer Haven til either of us die?
Head Honcho: Thats the plan
Phil keeps screaming, before they finally die down, and the sobbing starts again.
Jim: Are they done yet?
Phil emerges from the building, covered in a sticky liquid.
Phil: I'm going kamikaze.
Frank: Phil, we'll do this properly!
Phil: Speak for yourself!!! You haven't been forced to do things to a mechanical wolf! This liquid ain't oil, you know!
Dave: Aw, that's sick man, too much information.
Phil: Says you..guh..
He starts to wipe the liquid off of him, muttering curses under his breath
Head Honcho: Are you done yet?
Phil: I told you, it's kamikaze time
Dave: Bob, stop saying that!
M6: He can't, he's traumatised! I had to rub Laughing Octopuses shoulders!! And do you think it's easy with those sharp tentacles?
Phil: How about you all shut up? Can we just do this?
The huddle runs forward to the tune of 'Eye Of The Tiger'. Gunshots are fired as they all duck behind a long line of sandbags. Phil stands up and fires a few AK shots towards them until it stops
Phil: BASTARDS! They've went down the road!
'Eye Of The Tiger' plays again as they run down the road yelling in a simultaneous war cry, until they stop halfway
Bill: Why does it have to be Eye Of The Tiger?
Frank: Shut the fuck up!
'Why can't We Be Friends?' starts playing as the mercenaries start to slink towards where the Outer Haven troops were, until they stop in front of a--
Phil: How cute..it's drinking cola!
The monkey burps and starts talking in a black mans deep voice
Monkey: Fuck you, bitches
Phil: Fuck you monkey!
Raging Raven: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGEEEEEE!!!!!!
Bill: Shut up! Your trailers finished!
Frank walks forward
Frank: Mr. Monkey..I am Frank..the head honcho..
Monkey: Frank? Not Akhmed? You look like an Iraqistani!
Frank: GO FUCK YOURSELF!!
A young black man walks forward, wearing a sharp purple suit, sunglasses and with bleached blond hair
Man: My name is Drebin..just a joke I play on new customers..
Drebin: What's with him?
Steve: Laughing Octopus
Dave: And you are?
Drebin: A gun launderer..you need me in these days when new guns are ID-taxed and tagged..I remove them, so you can own any gun I sell without the hassle!!
Drebin: Ye--What are you covered in?
Phil: Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris appears behind the mercenaries
Chuck Norris: He's wrong, but I am aligned with the mercenaries
Drebin: WHAT?! Chuck Nor--You're not in this game!
Chuck Norris: Do you think Phil was supposed to start headbanging with Vamp? Do you think Steve was supposed to suffer from Rabies? Do you think Johnny likes suffering from the shits? No..
Phil: Excuse me..can you repeat that?
Chuck Norris: Sorry Phil
Phil: No..That's awesome!! SO COOL!! Get in there!!
Steve: So i'll go insane? Better just kill myself--
Chuck Norris: No...this trailer has stopped running..we still have many characters to meet, and your death..will it even happen? We will not know until June..
Dave: That..That's unlucky
Chuck Norris: Yeah, but Raging Raven has your child.
Chuck Norris: Frank, I wouldn't be laughing, there will be an incident involving you, Vaseline, a lighter and a horny Screaming Mantis in the near future
Frank: HOLY FUCK!!!
Phil: Can we please stop this trailer?
Chuck Norris: We're waiting until the viewer presses the stop button.
Phil: God, I hate this! It's bollocks! Bullshit! How is this even possible?
Chuck Norris: Well, it certainly is a laugh
Dean: Yeah! Nothing bad happens to me!
Jeff Jarrett appears briefly on screen and hands Phil a silver-painted guitar
Phil: Thank you..Jeff Jarrett..
Double J: No..thank you..Phil nolastname!
Phil smashes the guitar over Deans head
Phil: That shut you up
Frank: It sure did!
The screen finally fades to black
Chapter III - Hard Knocks and Paradox
The mercenaries and Chuck Norris slowly entered the abandoned warehouse
Phil: Abandoned gigantic warehouse. No. Not scary at all.
Chuck Norris; Remember, the only thing you have to fear is fear itself. And me.
Frank raises his pistol, treading carefully throughout the warehouse.
Steve: I heard about these FROG troops, man, bad-ass ninja chicks with metal exoskeletons..strictly bad news..
Dean: Look, just shut up. We'll be fine.
Unknown Male Voice: CLEAR!!
The mercenaries disband and hide. All of them seem well camouflaged, except Phil and Bob, who's legs are wiggling in the air after diving headfirst into a metal barrel, Billy, who's legs are clearly visible as standing with a cardboard box on his head, and Chuck Norris standing there, daring RAT PATROL 01 to try and do something.
Mohican Man: Who are you? Name yourself!!
Chuck Norris: Chuck Norris.
Meryl Silverburgh: Oh God, you're kidding me!
Huge Black Guy: What's Chuck Norris doing in a Metal Gear Solid trailer?
Chuck Norris: Fates have sent me here--
Meryl: Nope, it's just Kojima playing a joke. Look, there's AJ Styles
Sure enough, AJ Styles pops his head out from behind a pile of boxes
Styles: I used to be TNA Tag Team Champion, isn't that right, Tomko?
Tomko pops his bald head out from the pile of boxes
The barrel falls over and Phil and Bob roll out
Bob: What kind of trailer is this??!!
Phil: An insane one
Johnny 'Akiba' Sasaki: Look..can we just continue with the trailer?
Frank: I agree
AJ: Let's do it
Dave: FUCK YOU, STYLES!!
Akiba: Damn straight!!
They sat in the back of the jeep, sitting as they rolled out, Only 10 mercenaries were inside the jeep with RAT PATROL 01...
The rest were on top, hanging for dear life onto the flapping tarpaulin
Billy: AH!!! YOU BITCHES!!!
Frank: That's us!!
Dave: So..what's the mission?
Meryl: That hasn't been confirmed yet, all we know is we're fighting Outer Haven
Dean: We know. It's all we hear.
Bob: I hate Kojima! Him and his rapey-tentacle-thingy!
Jonathon: Just remember that we must help Snake complete his mission, and do our best not to get a shot from FOXDIE
Jon (From outside): You guys got infected?!
Phil: You musta been stupid..what, a needle full of unidentified liquid looked to good to not inject, huh?
Billy (from outside) I'll say!
Joe (From outside): Sure do!
Meryl: You think we had a choice?
Phil: I'll say Yes.
Chuck Norris: Yes.
Dean (From outside) Yes.
Vinnie Jones: Yes
The inside of the jeep goes silent, and FOXHOUND and the Mercenaries turn to face Vinnie Jones who has just appeared on a pile of gun boxes
Vinnie Jones: What? I was eating a bacon sarnie and suddenly I got morphed into a compy trailer!
Phil: It seems to be happening a lot
Frank: We're used to it.
All of a sudden, there are screams from the outside
Phil: What's up with them berks?
Billy (From outside): VAMP!!!
The rear doors of the jeep get ripped off, and the greasy, surprisingly flexible, bisexual Vamp appears before them
Dave leans forward, kicking him with the sole of his boot
Dave: BAD VAMP! VERY BAD VAMP!
Vamp grabs his leg and tries to drag him out, but the screen fades to black as the next part must go on
The mercenaries and Chuck Norris find themselves away from RAT PATROL 01. They are back in their good ol' fighting environment of the bomb-riddled streets, but everythings silent apart from trucks and the stomps of Gekkous in the distance
Frank: Glitch..we should have been transported over to the Metal Gears
Frank: Don't bother asking. I have no idea.
They hear screams and thuds in the distance
Billy: Lucky, sounds like our fellow mercenaries are dying.
Phil: Wait, so why are we here? We just wait until they--
AJ Styles appears in front of them again
AJ Styles: Hey guys
AJ Styles: Why am I here?
Phil: We don't even know, and won't even venture a guess
AJ Styles: Oh well, lucky I like video games..but why is Batista having a slapping contest with a shorts-wearing monkey?
Steve: Weird...It seems like many real-life people are getting sucked in, due to Konamis lack of patches and news for the game!
Phil: Get a camera!!
Frank: Phil, no
Phil: But it's Batista!! SLAPPING A MONKEY!!
Frank: I couldn't care if it was Undertaker doing a Tombstone Piledriver to a Metal Gear--
The mercenaries turn their head slightly, hearing the screams of Outer Haven soldiers. The lights go off in the trailer before going back on. Sure enough, the legs of a Metal Gear are seen dangling from above a building before disappearing from sight with a huge crash
Dean: That is too awesome!!
AJ Styles: I could do the Styles Clash to one!
AJ Styles: Come on guys, can I join you?!
Frank: For now, I suppose
AJ Styles: Sweeeeeettt...
A zap is heard as we see Scott Steiner running down the road
Scott Steiner: AJ?! WHERE AM I MAN! WHERE AM I!!!!
AJ Styles: Calm down, Big Poppa Pump, we're ina video game trailer!!
Scott Steiner runs past the mercenaries screaming, before disappearing around a corner
Chuck Norris: ...Insane
Phil: So..wait, if we're here, where's the other--
A familiar humming sound of a jet is heard as we see the head, arms and torso of Screaming Mantis appear above a building next to the mercenaries
Steve: Oh-oh god..
Frank: Should we run?
AJ Styles: Just wait..
A zapping sound is heard as Kurt Angle appears next to AJ Styles
Angle: AJ? Is this MGS4? A lot of guys have been phoning in to Cornette saying that they're disppearing here!
Phil: Welcome to hell.
Angle: Ah, fuck!!
A familiar howling sound is heard in the distance. The Head Honcho sighs
Frank: We need to re-think...Phil?
Phil is seen running off into the distance, along with Bob and Dave
Phil, Dave and Bob finally stop to catch their breath. Silence. Nothing is heard.
Bob: I think we're safe..
They hear the sounds of a guitar, and they look around
Dave: What the hell?
Singer: But I would walk 500 miles, and I would walk 500 more, Yes,I'll be the man that walks 5000 miles before--
A howl is heard as the sound of bodies crumbling to the floor is heard. A cruel laughing is also heard as Laughing Octopus and Crying Wolf advance from both sides
Everything goes silent as Billy is heard in the distance
Billy: (Distantly and quietly) haw-haw!
Phil charges forward and punches Crying Wolf in the head
Bob: Phil, bad move!
Crying Wolf simply sits on her hind legs, looking up at Phil
Phil: Stop doing that!! What is your fetish with me?!
Bob: Lucky you, I bet Octopus would say tentacles with that question!
Bob pales slightly
Phil: Look, should we run and get this done with?
All of a sudden, a large zap is heard as Rage Against The Machine and Chris Cornell appear
De La Rocha: What the fuck, man? I bet the government are fucking with our heads?
Phil: Nope, just Metal Gear Solid 4
De La Rocha: .......Oh
De La Rocha: Need any help?
De La Rocha starts to swing his head, battling Octopus with his dreadlocks of awesomeness
Phil: Go on Zack! Beat her ass!
Tom Morello starts to play heavy riffs as Chris Cornell sings 'The Devil Went Down to Georgia', Timmy C and Brad Wilk start to play Drums and Bass respectively
Crying Wolf howls loudly as the 3 klutzes start running off, but Wolf quickly gives chase
Dave: Ah nuts! Wolf-ay and radar-ay!
All 3 men duck their heads, their legs turning into speeding circles as they jettison forward. They completely overshoot the mercenaries who are overwhelmed by the speed, and slam through a wall where their body shapes are imprinted.
The screen fades to black as the frame changes
The mercenaries, Chuck Norris and AJ Styles slowly peer over the roof, looking at the bomb-riddled landscape amongst them
Dave: Sweet jesus..
Indeed, there were many electric blue zaps appearing as real life figures, other game characters and cartoon characters started to appear
Chuck Norris: It appears that, because of lack of news, interest for the PS3, and because there is another part of the trailer appearing elsewhere, chaos is unfolding
Underneath them, another blue zap is seen as George Bush is seen in his underwear
Bush: Why emm I here?
The mercenaries remain silent as Bush looks up
Bush: Can, err, you guys elp me?
A Gekkou metal gear appears from round the corner and stomps on George Bush
Dean: WOOO!!! UNLUCKY!!
The Gekkous ra-dome looks up and spots them: the enemies
Dave: You freakin' moron! We're dead now!
They blink and Chuck Norris is adjusting his jeans from near his cowboy boots. They look over the edge of the building to see half of a metal gear Gekkou lying there
Chuck Norris: Nothing can stand up to my roundhouse kick. Nothing.
Frank: We agree!
Dean: Yeah, just don't kill us!
Another bright blue flash is seen as Sasuke Uchiha appears
Sasuke: What..am I even doing here?
Steve walks forward, cocking his pistol, but Phil grabs Steves arm
Phil grabs a sniper rifle and aims for Sasukes head
Phil: This ones mine!
Phil is about to pull the trigger when Kurt Angle runs in and Olympic Slams him, making him disappear
Phil: FUCKING HELL KURT! I WAS GONNA CAP HIM!
Angle laughs like Jay Leno and runs off into an alleyway
Frank: So what now?
They hear the clinking of metal off metal and walk over to the opposite end of the roof, looking over and seeing a metal-exoskeletoned ninja battling with Vamp, in a haze of blades and somersaults
The ninja stops and opens his visors, revealing a pale face and long blond hair. Phil pulls out his rifle
Phil: Pretty boy! Lock and load!
The sound of cocking guns is heard all around as several of their fellow PMC mercenaries appear on rooftops, aiming their guns at Raiden
Frank (Like Quagmire): Alriiight!!
However, Dave immediately hops down and taps Raiden on the shoulder
Dave: Hey, what do you think you're doing? Only room for one blonde person in the game!
Raiden: I bet you won't even be in the final cut!
The mercenaries grimace and watch through squinted eyes
Dave: Well..seeing as you put it that way..
Dave walks up to him and punches him in the face, right through the visor. A mercenary holds up a sign
Random Fellow Mercenary: OUCH!
Vamp: Will you stop...he's my target...
Vamp flips onto his head and uses his feet to hurl several knife blades at Raiden and Dave, Dave ducks but Raiden gets hit in the chest. He simply shrugs and pulls the blade out, letting white blood slip down the suit. Steve holds up a sign reading 'WTF?!'
Raiden: That all Vamp?
Vamp appears behind Raiden and grabs him around the neck, going to slit his throat, but Raiden shoves his Ninja Katana through his own gut, coming out of Vamps
Mercenaries: Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!
Dave runs forward and punches Raiden in the face again, causing white blood to spil
Bob: Go on, Dave!
Raiden immediately grabs his Katana, and Dave runs off screaming
Phil: No, Dave, the other way..the other way!!!!
Dave is in the far distance now as Vamp leaps on Raidens head and stomps into him with the blades in-between his toes
Steve: Well, this is boring..
Raiden falls to the ground, bleeding heavily from his head
Bob: Yeah..its like, alright, he's dead, but now what's the point?
The mercenaries on other roofs walk away mumbling as they simply stand there
Steve: Surely the frame changes soon?
Colt Cabana: Not yet
Phil: Ok, Chuck Norris I understand, Styles..slightly, but Colt freakin' Cabana???!!!
Colt Cabana: What? I wrestle for ROH, does that make me bad? Delirious is totally kicking a bipedal robots ass back there with Bryan Danielson and Homicide!
Steve: Doesn't exactly make it bette--
Phil: That is so cool!!!
Colt Cabana: I also saw Larry The Cable Guy smashing a guitar over an Outer Haven soldiers head
Phil: This just gets better!
Raidens body is dragged off as Vamp simply paces around
Vamp: Anyone wish to fight?
Chuck Norris walks forward, but Phil jumps down
Phil: I will!
Vamp: I mean a dancing competition..
Steve: That's absolutely shite, Phil, come back up!
But the rest of the mercenaries and the returning Dave hop down near Phil, along with Chuck Norris and Colt Cabana and AJ Styles
Steve: Oi..I give up..
Steve hops down as Outer Haven soldiers start to flank Vamp too. Phil stands there as a random rap solo played out
Vamp: You cannot beat me..
Phil: Try me, Vampy!
Vamp does a perfect triple pirhouette, flipping backwards in mid-air and lands on one knee. The Outer Haven troops clap and mob him
OH Troops: That's the man!!
Phil points to the mercenaries and starts spinning on his back fast, he keeps spinning, but slowly rises onto his head, still spinning before kipping up and landing on his knees
Mercanaries: FUCK YEAH!!!
AJ: GO ON, PHIL!!!
Rob Schneider: You can do it, Philly! Get your ass breakdancing!
Vamp looks sullen, but manages to do a perfect triple backflip combo before doing a double backflip and landing on his feet
PMC Troops: YOU CAn'T BEAT THE MASTA!!!
PMC Troop 1: Yeah, boy!!
Phil runs towards a wall, runs up it slightly, does a triple-turn backflip and lands in The Fears stance
Frank: NOSTALGIA!! 200 EXTRA POINTS!!
Mercenaries: Let's show 'em, laddies!!
The PMC troops start to the zombie Thriller dance moves as Vamp spins on his back. The mercenaries start to backflip around manically as Phil and Dave do the robot. Finally, Vamp cocks up and stops spinning
Vamp: Concrete burn! YOU WIN! YOU WIN!
The mercenaries cheer loudly as Phil runs past them, hi-5ing them
Chuck Norris: Well done.
Phil: DID YOU SEE THAT?! DID YOU?! FUCK YOU VAMP!
Mercenaries: Nah nah nah nahhh...nah nah nah nahhh...way-ay-ay-ay..goodbye!!!!
Vamp walks off looking dejected as the PMC troops curse him
Phil: That was cool...So cool..
A familiar sobbing sound is heard as AJ Styles rides in on the back of Crying Wolf
AJ: Look what I found!
Phil: AJ, No! IT'S CRYING WOLF!!
Crying Wolf bucks him off and AJ is smashed against a wall, killing him and forcing him to phase back to real life dimension
Phil: Wolfy, i'm not ready for a solid rela--
She looks him in the eye, ready to charge
Phil: That's cheating!! How would you like to be out-breakdanced?!
Crying Wolf stands on her hind legs
Phil: I swear to God i'll punch you in the freakin' stomach soon!!
Frank: Shall we just go and meet Sunny and Naomi?
They disappear as the frame changes
Dean: Where are we?
Despite supposed to being in a small room, they were outside the door. They sighed, looking around. They saw Umaga, Jeff Hardy and Shawn Michaels lined up outside
Umaga: Fah-ah samoa misay uma?
Michaels: Look, how did we appear here? It's nuts!!
Hardy: And why was I dragged along?
The mercenaries move on, looking dumbstruck, where they pass the High School Musical cast
Zac Efron: Where are we?
The mercenaries run past them, firing wildly noticing a horrible franchise which is still pumping suckers of money. They hide in a room, and turn around to see a small girl in a room, accompanied by a woman with long brown hair and wearing a white doctors coat
Frank: Naomi Hunter?
The woman turns around
Hunter: WHat is it?
There's an awkward silence
Phil: Umm..what does the script say?
All the mercenaries flick through a script title 'MGS4 Trailer'
Frank: That's it. She's doing Sunnys hair.
All of a sudden, a zap appears as Samoa Joe appears in the room
Joe: I was taking a shower..why am I here?
Phil: You think we know, Joe?
Joe: Wait..this is Metal Gear Solid 4..where's Liquid ocelot?
Dean: I wish we knew!
Samoa Joe starts looking anmgry and determined, storming past the mercenaries and out of the room. As the door swings open, a crowd of fans is zapped out of nowhere and the follow him, chanting 'JOE'S GONNA KILL YA!!'
Phil: Oh my god! THAT IS SO FUCKING COOL! GODDAMN FUCKING COOL!
They appeared in the middle of an open space, surrounded by bomb-ruined buildings, bodies and Gekkou remains. A loud sigh comes from the huddle as they look around, especially notciing a metal balcony
Ocelot: BROTHERS! Your time for death has come!
Dean: Oh..fuck no
Liquid Ocelot appears, no longer wearing his traditional spaghetti-western attire, but a long grey coat, frameless spectacles, black gloves and his grey hair slicked back
Phil: Ocelot? You used to be...cool..
Dean: And now you look like a twat!
Ocelot: I will take that opinion into account later, but now, prepare to die
A huddle of Outer Haven soldiers come out from a door underneath the balcony, like a mass of clowns out of an impossibly small car. All of them have their P90s pointed at the mercenaries and their primitive AKs
Chuck Norris: I'll kill them all..
However, as Chuck stepped forward, RAT PATROL 01 rushed in..all 4 of them
A silence follows as the 2 large groups look at the 4 soldiers of RAT PATROL 01, definitely underwhelmed.
Akiba: ..W-Why are you looking at us like that?
Frank: Cause you're morons.
Akiba: Screw you!
However, they are quicvkly silenced as a huddle of real life figures pour into the relatively-small space. Led by Samoa Joe, they consist of: A group of wrestling fans chanting 'JOE'S GONNA KILL YA!', Kurt Angle, Scott Steiner, Vinnie Jones, some random guys from off the street who nobody knows nor cares about, Rage Against The Machine, Chris Cornell, Bryan Danielson, Delirious, Homicide, Hernandez, Konnan, Shawn Michales, more random guys, Jeff and Matt Hardy, Umaga and Batista
Samoa Joe: I got a message for y'all!!
Fans: JOE'S GONNA KILL YA!!!
The real-life figures cheer loudly and hi-5
It starts to get even more packed, and much, MUCH worse, as The Beauty and The Beast Unit roll in, headed by Screaming Mantis and the corpse of a random guy on strings
Screaming Mantis (Through Dead Guy)@: Is this where the parties at?
Ocelot: Yes. Yes it is.
Rage Against The Machine: Holy shit, it talked!!
Will: Through a corpse, it doesn't count
Screaming Mantis: Yes it does
Colt Cabana: Fuck you!
The face-off was intense, as the mercenaries kept still
Frank: We can settle this only ONE WAY!
PMC: And that would be?
Frank: A battle.....OF THE BANDS!!
Liquid Ocelot: Sounds interesting..
Crying Wolf: That's awful..
Bob: HOLY SHIT IT TALKED!!!
Dean: Now THAT counts
Bob: Shut up!
Laughing Octopus: hehe..so do I, baby..
Bob: Fuck you!!
Raging Raven: Fuck you!!
Phil: Fuck y'all!
Samoa Joe: FUCK YOU!!!
Will: Fuck the fucking fuckers.
Dave: Shall we stop saying fuck?
They stop for a moment
Frank: Choose your instruments and song wisely.
Ocelot nods and hops over the railing of the balcony in front of the Outer Haven soldiers. Each group gets into a large huddle for a team talk
Frank: Ok, we have to be wise--
Phil: Wise? Our fellow real-life guys have Rage Against The Machine...they'll win easily!
Steve: So we cheat?
Will: We're not Ashley Simpson, how the fuck do we cheat? Mouth lyrics?
Steve: We pray we get attacked, but in the meantime, what do we play?
Mercenary 18: 500 Miles?
Bob: Do, and you fucking die!!
Phil: I've got it!
Steve: Please be good...
Phil: Cotton EYe Joe!!
Steve: No. Phil, that's bad. That's awful. That is horrendous. Are you high? Stupid? We are not do---
Steve: Ah..fucking do it!!
Phil grins and pulls a violin out of the sand randomly
Steve: You better win or i'll fold your balls into an origami swan!!
Steve: SHUT UP YOU ASSHOLE!!!
They all go quiet as the PMC troops assemble on the balcony
Samoa Joe: Wonder what they picked?
Shawn Michaels: I bet it sucks..
Silence, until a metally tune rings out
Bob: Wait..it can't be--
Raging Raven: They can't be seriou--
Heavy synthesizer/trance music plays out as 2 PMC troops walk out, the others doing dance actions
OH Troop: I'M BLUE DA BA DEE DA BAH DEY! DA BAH DEE DA BEH DEY DA BAH DEE DAH BAH DEY!!!
Samoa Joe: Oh god no..
The song finally finishes, the remaining groups crying, humming to themselves, or smashing their heads off the ground
Ocelot: How good was that?
Simon Cowell: Better talent in my little finger
Frank: Great..so the freakin' American Idol judges are judging us now??!!!
Simon Cowell: Yes I am, baldy.
Frank: FUCK YOU!!
RAT PATROL 01 sighs an slowly walks up to the stage, but Akiba bounces up merrily, carrying an electric guitar
Chuck Norris: Now this will probably be bad
Phil: I agree..
RAT PATROL 01 stands on the balcony as a set of familiar riffs play
Bob: *sighs* ._....T_T
Jonathon: WELCOMETO THE JUNGLE! WE GOT FUN AND GAMES! WE GOT EVERYTHING YA WANT...
Steve: I think..I mighty...cry..
Crying Wolf: *Starts sobbing uncontrollably*
Samoa Joe: Oh freakin' Jesus..
Jeff Hardy: Oh sweet God..
After another torturingly-bad song comes to a finish..
Simon Cowell: *is crying*
Akiba: Was it that bad, guys?
Vinnie Jones: ....Yes!!
They all sigh as the Beauty and the Beast unit glide and crawl up to the balcony
Phil: I can only imagine--
They all start humming the Darth Vader Walk tune from Star Wars: Revenge Of The Sith
Bob: *Foaming at the mouth*
Dave: Kill us...
Liquid Ocelot: Good sweet lord..
Crying Wolf stands on her hind legs and starts riffing with a guitar, but Tom Morello hurls his guitar at her
Steve: Thats our cue!!
Phil, without waiting, runs onto the balcony and squeezes in between Screaming Mantis and Crying Wolf, not even realizing they'd kill him
Phil: ....Wait a second..
Dave: Look, it finally sank in!
Phil: HELP! HELP!
Steve: PHIL! JUST PLAY!
Zack De La Rocha: Wait--
Rage Against The Machine runs into the centre of eevery group, starting to play 'Know Your Enemy'; as Phil tunes his violin and starts to play it, singing the lyrics to Cotton Eye Joe
Steve: ANY MINUTE NOW!!
Everyone readies their weapons as Crying Wolf uses her guitar to try and out-riff Phil
Phil: You may be a Guitar Hero, but Cotton Eye Joe owns you!!
Phil started to play the violin with intense speed until Wolf tackled him off the stage and into the huddle of mercenaries
All 5 huddles scream and run into seperate streets near the centre place..Ocelot runs into a nearby alley with his troops and the Mercenaries are head-to-head with the Real Life Guys...The war is on
Chapter IV - The End? Nope, The Beginning
The mercenaries are all huddled behind an unimaginabily long, sand-blasted wall. Chuck Norris is pacing around, rubbing his eyes
Chuck Norris: How are we doing?
Frank: Fuck you Norris, i'm Head Honcho!.....So, how are we doing?
Steve pops his head out, and bullets fly at him, taking chunks out the wall, he screams and ducks back in
Steve: I'd say pack our bags and run like fuck!
Frank sighs and leans back against the wall
Frank: Surely it isn't that bad?
Phil tosses out a salad sandwich. In two seconds, bullets have blown it to shreds, and Samoa Joe comes out to Musclebuster the crusts before running back into his own alley
Phil: It IS that bad!
Dean: I'll say, Samoa Joe didn't eat his crusts!
A flaming samoan torch is flung at Dean and he screams in pain as he runs around with his feet on fire
A brick is thrown at Bob and hits him in the head, knocking him out
Phil: Fucking propman joined their side!
Propman: Fuck you guys! I'm with the machine!
Mercenary 18: I never liked you anyway!
Phil: Gah, this is fucking boring, should we just run out firing wildly and return to real life in a blaze of glory?
Steve: And die in a blaze of horrible screaming death? I don't think so
Ocelot: Can someone just come out so we can move already!
PMC: I think i've taken root!
Random guy off street: My arse itches!
Laughing Octopus: I'm horny!
Bob: JUST SHUT UP! WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW!
Bob peeks out from behind the corner
Bob: Where is everybody?
A gloved hand waves out from behind a wall to the northeast
Bob: Hi ocelot!
A Colt Single Action Army flings out and the bullet nearly takes off Bobs head. He screams and ducks his head back in.
Phil: Screw this!
Phil walks out into the middle of the battlefield
Phil: I...welcome death!
Ocelot: He welcomes death! Break his legs!
Phil screams and runs back into his corner
Frank: Well that was brave
Mercenary 18: Are we just gonna sit here and rot, or actually do something?
Frank: All who are for sitting here say 'I'
All Mercenaries: I!!!
Frank: Case dismissed!!
Silence for 5 minutes. Tumbleweed slowly flutters through the centre of the buildings. Sound of propman coughing.
Samoa Joe: Well this sucks!
Frank: Ok..I have a plan!
Bob: Is it a good plan?
Frank: We run onto the roof and pick all of them off!
Bob: Bad plan! BAD PLAN!
Frank runs up a set of stairs opposite them. The Mercenaries look up as he quickly hotfoots it back down to them
Frank: I'm a coward, so?
Finally, The PMC troops and Ocelot run out firing randomly and screaming. The other 4 groups watch unimpressed as they fire into the air for no real purpose
Chuck Norris runs out and roundhouse kicks an PMC troop. The Real Life guys run out and join the melee. The mercenaries just stand there and watch as RAT PATROL 01 runs out screaming into the dogpile.
Frank: Should we run?
Screaming Mantis: I DON'T THINK SO!!!
Phil: That's scratched that, then
The Mercenaries run up onto the roof. They look down at the ensuing carnage as the Beauty and the Beast Unit pick off anyone trying to run away
Dave: It's so cute..look! They're killing!
Bob: They grow up so fast!
Frank: Ready the bricks!
They scour the rubble behind them, grabbing sandstone bricks from the building
The mercenaries hurl the bricks at the melee below, One of Steves bricks hits an PMC troop on the head and kills him instantly
Frank: Hey! Brick killed a guy!
Steve: Let's get them, boys!!
The mercenaries jump down in dramatic slow motion fashion and land on the edge of the melee
The melee stops
Real Life Guys: . . .
Outer Haven: o_O
RAT PATROL 01: RAAARRR!!!
The brawl starts again as the Mercenaries start brawling throughout it. Phil pulls a hand grenade from out of nowhere and walks slowly through the crowd screaming
Steve: Phil? Where'd you get the hand grenade?
Phil: I...don't know!
Two horses run from out of nowhere with Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin riding them. They throw down a net which catches Steve. Steve yells and is dragged along in the net behind the horses. Jonny pulls out an axe and runs at Samoa Joe, but Samoa Joe throws him over his shoulder and Jonny flies through the window of a nearby building. A random real life guy rides up on a horse, but Steve pulls a trident from nowhere and throws it at the guy, stabbing him in the chest and killing him instantly
Bob screams as he's dragged away into a dark alley by Laughing Octopus. Chuck Norris runs at Ocelot, but Ocelot ducks and punches him in the gut. Jonny slowly pulls himself up and chops off Scott STeiners arm
Scott Steiner: I NEEDED THAT!!
Ed runs out and dives into the brawl, making half of it fall down. Steve slowly rides in on Crying Wolf
Steve: Phil! Look what I found!
Phil: Oh gawd naw!!
Wolf: . . . :'(((((
A net is randomly thrown over Phil and Steve hops off
Crying Wolf charges toward them, Steve dives out the way but the net snags onto Wolfs foot. Phil screams as the net is dragged away behind Crying Wolf. A random hispanic real life guy rounds up on the propman with a whip
Hispanic Guy: Tonight..the sewers run red with propman blood!
Propman: But..you're on my side!!
Hispanic guy: . . .
He turns around and whips Jonny, who runs off screaming. An Outer Haven troop randomly walks through on fire. Raging Raven swoops down, but the melee simply ducks before contuing the fight, until something is heard:
John Cygan: The Patriots are trying to control the flow of digital information--
Liquid Ocelot: SOLIDUS SNAKE!!! IT'S SPOILERS!!! SCATTER!!!
The melee runs off into different directions, dropping their weapons. The dead and dying are left on the floor as Bob walks out from an alley
Phil rolls along, still stuck in the net and slowly followed by the Head Honcho: Steve quickly tears their nets off with a knife and they stand up as the mercenaries run randomly
--10 minutes of random running--
The mercenaries stop in the middle of a dusty street, catching their breath
Frank: That was SO cool! Did you see me kill that guy with my hands?
Chuck Norris: Yeah! See me roundhouse kick Kurt Angles head off?
Phil: I saw that! There was a man on fire and everything! Hell, Steve killed a guy with a trident!
Mercenary 18: Yeeah, Steve killed a guy!
Dean: Steve, you may want to find a safehouse, because you're probably wanted for murder
Frank: So what now?
Phil: Do you hear that?
Mercenary 5: Hear what?
Phil: That humming sound
The mercenaries look around before looking up at a giant blue portal
Ocelot: See you guys in a matter of months!
Mercenaries: See ya later, Occy!
Ocelot: Don't call me that!
Frank: We should REALLY go back and start the story..we'll be here again, don't worry!
Dean: I don't wanna be a genome soldier!
Steve: You don't even know the story!
Phil: Shall we just go find out!
Dave: C'mon..may as well
Mercenaries stay still
Laughing Octopus: Well, go on!!
Mercenaries: Hang on..
They look around and give a peace sign with tongues out to the camera, followed by hipthrusts before jumping up. Screaming is heard as the portal disappears in mid-air.
Samoa Joe: They'll be back.
Laughing octopus: Indeed, well, see you guys later
Crying Wolf: Bye readers!
Screaming Mantis: Ciao!
Raging Raven: Stay safe!
John Cygan: We will see you all later!
The screen goes black, but the noise continues. We hear the sound of the merciless hissing of a raging blizzard, followed muffled screams and the sound of large things hitting the snow with a soft 'flump'
Frank: Where are we?
Steve: Where it all began..
Phil: We should really get some decent clothes
Silence followed by muffled footsteps
British Accent: Why are you here?
Frank: We come...in peace!
British Accent: . . . Ahhhhhhhh!!! Well, welcome to Shadow Moses..lets get you out of those Middle Eastern clothes and get you some positions patrolling the base
British Accent: What's his problem?
Mercenary 18: We still haven't figured that one out yet
Phil: Can we just come in? We're fucking freezing!
British Accent: . . . As you wish, Genome Soldiers
Frank: Thank-- What did you call us?
British Accent: Nothing! Nothing! Call me..Liquid
Phil: Liquid Snake?
British Accent: How did you know?
Frank: We just do
British Accent: Then . . follow me
Suspense music as we hear footsteps leading off into the distance
Frank: Nice place ya got here..
Metal Gear Solid IV : The Parody Files!!!!
The Head Honcho - Frank!
Mercenary 3 aka Jim!
Mercenary 4 aka Jon!
Mercenary 5 aka Sal!
Mercenary 8 aka Vince!
Mercenary 11 aka John!
Mercenary 14 aka Brick!
Mercenary 15 aka Will!
Real Life Guys
RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE!
(Zack De La Rocha!
That random group of fans!
Random guys off the street!
That Hispanic Guy!
And the other random guys!
The Actual Characters
Outer Haven Troops!
The Beauty and the Beast Unit
Special Guest Appearance
Solidus Snake / John Cygan!!