Lynch: Oh, shit, I fucking hate those timesnaps!
Lynch lunges forward and punches the metal muzzle of Wolfs battle suit as hard as he could. A metallic ring pierces the air and vibrates throughout the wind.
Wolf simply stands there, sobbing to itself. Lynch stands there, his knuckles cracked and starting to bleed, his eyes watering.
Lynch simply stares at his fist
Lynch: .........FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The suit sniggers and skitters off, Lynch dances around, waving his hand in pain
Lynch: OW MY HAND! OW MY HAND! OW MY HAND!
Lynch watches as Crying Wolf charges towards Snake.
Snake takes his eye away from the scope of his PSG1 rifle and turns to the robot.
Snake: FAHCKING BULLSHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Snake quickly gets to his feet. However, as soon as his head emerges from behind a rock, Sniper Wolf fires off a shot, causing him to get down to one knee. Snake can only stare at the quadraped robot as it blazes towards him.
Snake: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww fucking boogers.
Just before Wolf makes a violent collision with Snake, Sal, Billy, Bill and That Other Random Guy jump off the top of the rocky outcrop and onto Wolfs back. Wolf grinds to a halt, not from the force, but begins to shake rapidly.
Bill: I’MMA FIRING MY PUKE!!!
Bill vomits violently over the side of Wolf. Sal winces.
Sal: JESUS CHRIST! WATCH THE PUKE!
Bill looks up at Sal, facing him, his cheeks bulging again
Sal: NO! NO NO NO! TURN AWAY! TURN AWAY!
Bill vomits violently again. Sal quickly ducks under the left side of Wolf, falling off and getting trampled underfoot as the suit moves side to side, shaking wildly.
Sal: OWIE OWIE OW OW!!!!!!!!!
Sal quickly rolls out from under Wolf and crawls away. Billy starts to crawl along Wolfs back carefully, Bowie Knife in mouth.
That Other Random Guy: The fuck are you going to do?! CUT ITS THROAT?!?!
Billy: Mmmf mf, Mmph mf, MMPH MMF MMMMMF MMMMMMMMMPH!!!
That Other Random Guy: I can’t hear you!
Billy raises a hand and takes the knife from his mouth, only to be jettisoned from Wolfs back several feet into the air.
Billy: I CAN SEE MY HOUSE!!!...FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!!
Billy flies behind a rocky outcropping facing to the west, shielding it from the battle. Billy falls to the snow and rolls several feet over it, before dropping the grey, jagged rocks two feet down.
Billy raises his head. Jericho, Phil, Mr. Dibbley and Vince were playing poker behind it, the cards frozen solid. Jericho reaches a shaking, gloved hand inside his camelskin trenchcoat and pulls out a cigar, frozen solid. He looks at it and throws it away.
Jericho: f-f-f—fucking cigars..
Phil: Hey, dumbfuck, how about you put on your ski mask?
Jericho: F-f-f-f-f-fuck you
Mr. Dibbley looks around shiftily
Mr. Dibbley: Dealer?
Jericho: Fuck it, I fold
Vince: HA! I GOT TWO PAIRS!
Mr. Dibbley: Straight Flush!
Mr. Dibbley: That’s right, you lost to a fucking penguin!
Vince: ..Phil? You?
Phil gives them a shifty look, nodding and putting down his cards
Phil: Five Aces.
Jericho: YOU FUCKING CHEAT!
Phil: How is it cheating?
Jericho: There’s no such thing as an Ace of Wangs!
Phil: In China there might be!
Jerich clenches his fist and pulls back his arm, only for a vicious howl to pierce the icy wind
Jericho: Get in the fucking shelter!
Vince: WE HAVE NO SHELTER!
Jericho pulls a teaspoon out from inside his coat and starts chipping away at the snow frozen to the side of the rock
Phil: Wow, that’s not futile whatsoever.
Mr. Dibbley: You may as well use your fingers, but it doesn’t matter now anyway
Mr. Dibbley; Because Wolfs there.
Mr. Dibbley points the tip of his flipper above the rocky outcropping, where Wolfs muzzle was leaning over the edge of the outcropping, sniffing at them noisily.
The outcropping goes silent, and screams fill the air as Wolf rears onto her hind legs and howls loudly. They all scream and run away, with Wolf giving chase.
Snake watches as the mercenaries run to the South, followed by the bounding form of Crying Wolf. He shakes his head and keeps looking down his scope, slowly getting up to one knee
Nothing but the frozen trunks of trees and the jagged, stone outcroppings of the looming rocks.
A boom fires across the frozen field as a bullet grazes Snakes arm, he dives to the right behind his own rocky outcropping, shielding himself
Snake: HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KILL HER?!?!?
Wolfs Voice: HAW HAW!
Snake: FUCKING WHORE! STAY IN THE KITCHEN!
Silence. A howling gust of wind pierces the air. The sound of distant screaming. Snake throws his PSG1 to the ground with a soft crunch of snow.
Snake: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KILL HER?!?!
A bundle of snow runs towards Snake. Snake stares as the bundle stops in front of him and the blue-tinged face of Moe the Midget pops out
Moe the Midget: Psst, Snake, I could totally plant a bomb under the bitch!
Snake: What about the giant robot thing?
Moe the Midget: Dumb bitch can only sense smell while in that thing, I’m disguised. Just be sure to hold any farts in!
Snake: …Just go
Moe gives a small salute and ducks under the snow, creating another bundle. Three seconds later, the bundle re-appears with a scarlet circle on it
Moe: BITCH SHOT ME ARM!!
Snake: Yeah, I think she can see the huge-ass bundle of snow walking towards her?
Lynch runs over to where Snake is and slides behind his rock, nodding at him
Lynch: Hi, how’d ya do? MIDGET! GET IN SIGHT!
Moe crawls out from the bundle of snow, clutching his right arm
Moe: This ain’t like the movies..THIS FUCKING HURTS!!
Lynch: Well, duh.
Moe: I CAN’T FEEL MY FUCKING ARM!!
Lynch: Obviously. Look, Moe, do you think you could find a grenade or something to slip under Wolf?
Snake: He tried and failed.
Lynch: Where the fuck is the rest of my team?
That Other Random Guys head peers over the end of the rocky outcropping
That Other Random Guy: HAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!
Lynch: Aw shit. *BEEP*, what the fuck do you want?
That Other Random Guy: I heard you guys needed help, so I’m here to your bid--
A gunshot rings out. That Other Random Guys eye twitches, his face falls, his face tightens, and he lets out a giant scream, falling over the edge of the rock, clutching his ass
That Other Random Guy: YOU FUCKING BITCH! SHE SHOT MY ARSE!! SHE SHOT MY CHEEKS!! FUCK THAT FUCKING HURTS!!
Lynch: She’s a sharpshooter, what did you expect?
Silence. Sound of a chipping noise.
Snake: You hear that?
Snake, Lynch, Moe the Midget and That Other Random Guy turn to the rocky outcropping, where chunks of rock are starting to fall away. They watch as a metal spoon cuts through it and appears.
Jericho: I think I reached her!
Maurice: Ow, out tha way laddie then
Maurice punches through the rock and grabs That Other Random Guys leg. He screams as Maurice starts to drag him.
Maurice: SCREAM ALL YA WANT BITCH! I’M GONNA KILL YA!
Lynch looks through the hole and growls. Maurice lowers his head and looks through the hole too.
Maurice: ….Ow do Lynch?
Lynch throws a quick punch, hitting Maurice in the chin. Maurice collapses backwards and Jericho crawls in front of him.
Lynch: The fuck do you want?
Jericho: Do me a favour and look East.
Lynch looks to his right. He squints to look behind the chainlink fence which guards the perimeter of the snowfield. He can just make out the forms of Phil, Sal, Bill and Billy squatting under a tree, pointing out something. Sal has something in his hand.
Lynch: What on Earth?
Jericho: Yup, they tunneled out and are now discussing a master plan to kill us all.
Snake: Us all?
Jericho: I wouldn’t trust them with a can opener!
All of them now watch as Sal lights up something. The item in his hand is revealed to be a distress flare, especially prominent by the red smoke that now billows out, masking the four mercenaries from view. The sound of choking his heard.
Lynch: …What was this master plan?
Jericho: I heard them talk about a lure.
Jerichos walkie-talkie crackles. He clicks the red flashing button.
Jericho: What the fuck are you morons doing?
Sound of static and coughing.
Bills Voice: DYING!!!
Phil: IS SHE COMING OVER?!?!?
Snake looks out from behind the rock, and watches the metallic beastly form of Crying Wolf trot across the Snowfield towards the red smoke.
Snake: She is
Jericho: She is, Phil
Sound of screaming on the receiver, so loud they can hear it from their current position.
Lynch: What the fuck is Dean doing?
Lynch has just spotted Dean pop out from behind a nearby tree, his face covered in flecks of bark and snow. In his hand, he is carrying a tube-shaped device with three prongs emitting from it. He slowly starts to army-crawl towards Crying Wolf, who is still advancing on the smoke.
Phils Voice: MOVE FASTER YA CUNT!!
Dean slowly army-crawls towards her battlesuit, holding a sleeping gas satchel
Dean *Whispering to himself*: Just…a…bit…closer..
Deans own walkie-talkie crackles, and he slowly moves his free hand to enable transmission feed.
Karabs Voice: Almost there?
Dean *Whispering to himself*: Nearly..
Phil, Sal, Bill and Billy watch as Dean slowly crawls towards Crying Wolf
Billy: He’s gonna fucking do it!
Phil: Billy, anything on SNIPER Wolf?
Billy: What? I’m supposed to kill her?
Bill: Fucking duh!
Billy lays on his stomach and sets up his PSG1 Sniper Rifle, holding it intently with one hand on the handle and trigger, and the other under the barrel. His hand trembles.
Billy: Shit! Too cold! Can’t see her!
Phil: You can’t see her because you’re cold? Are your eyeballs liquid or something? OPEN YOUR EYES!
Sal: Deans doing it!
Billy jolts his rifle so quickly he fires off a shot, which echoes violently in the freezing wind. They listen as they hear a metal clang of lead off steel
Billy: …..Wasn’t me.
Sal: It was your fucking rifle!
Billy: Fuck you Jinnah!
Sal: Fuck you Richard the Third!
Billy pulls back his fist to punch Sal, but they watch as Dean stands up, going to attach the satchel to the hind of Crying Wolf
Silence. The sound of a huge fart.
Karabs Voice: Fuck, you didn’t?!?!?
Dean: …Ahhhhh….Ah shit. I hope that doesn’t--
Wolf sniffs the air and lets out a beastly cough. Dean smells the air.
Dean: Damn, why does it have to be eggs?!?!
Wolf darts around, its muzzle touching Deans nose. Dean stands there, mouth agape, eyes wide.
Dean: …….Whoever smelt it dealt it?
Crying Wolf lets out a vicious howl and Dean screams loudly, turning around and running past the trees in plain sight of everyone. Sniper Wolf simply watches him run by.
Sniper Wolf: Killing you vould be a vaste!
Dean: You mean it?
She raises an eyebrow and turns to her right. Dean is laying beside her, stroking her right shoulder and grinning.
Dean: You feeling..amorous?
Sniper Wolf: PISS OFF!
Dean looks around, Crying Wolf smelling the ground to find where Dean vanished towards. He looks behind them, seeing a level 8 security door, blasted into obscurity by the ravaging blizzard. He strokes his chin and clicks the button on his walkie-talkie.
Dean: Guys..I think I’ve found something.
Karabs Voice: It’s called Disc 2. Shut up and don’t go in.
Karabs Voice: There’s a level 7 door to the West, can you see it?
Vinces Voice: Who wants to see my penis?
Dean: Vince, how the fuck did you get this frequency?
Jerichos Voice: We share the frequency, cockmonkey
Vinces Voice: Oh.
Dean: I can’t see it, for the record.
Karabs Voice: Turn left, what do you see?
Dean: A metal hut with its door open. And Wolfs walking towards it.
Karabs Voice: Well, the door is open fo—Wolf? OH FUCK! BAIL! BAIL! BAIL!
Crying Wolf jettisons with a tremondous fury towards the open door of the supply hut. Dean watches as Karab, Brick and Vince run out, screaming. Brick himself turns to Wolf and grasps a grenade, throwing it at Wolf. It bounces off the metal hind of the suit and she turns around slowly.
Brick: Oh, shit.
Wolf howls loudly and Brick and Vince scream, running off. Karab himself trots to Deans position.
Karab: What now?
Karab and Dean look down at Sniper Wolf, who slowly turns her head to them.
Dean: Can we stay?
Wolf: …SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!
Karab and Dean sit next to Wolf, twiddling their thumbs happily. Cursing, Wolf climbs onto one knee, aiming her rifle carefully
Wolf: Come on...come on..
She can’t see anything but the snowy hill that hides Snake. She clicks her tongue against the roof of her mouth and keeps staring down her scope, waiting. Jericho raises a gloved hand above it and Wolf quickly fires.
Jericho: FUCK ME! I WAS KIDDING!
Jericho looks down at Snake, who is now lying face-down in the snow, unable to bear the thought of several mercenaries who are incapable of taking down one woman and her robotic..wolf.
Jericho: Soooo..Snakey, got a light?
Snake flips the bird at him.
Jericho: Charming man.
Lynch sighs and looks around to see Vince and Brick standing in the open, looking for a safe place to hide. Lynch whistles. points two fingers at Vince and Brick, sweeping them back at his face. They simply stare, shrugging.
Lynch: IT MEANS GET THE FUCK OVER HERE!!
Brick: I thought it meant how do I look or some shit..
Vince gives a small laugh
Vince: I thought it meant he has eyeballs!
Lynch: NOW DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!
Vince and Brick quickly scuttle behind the rocky outcropping and kneel behind it. Snake simply looks up at them.
Snake: Guys..You’re taking my room.
Lynch: Look, dick, you want to get to REX with your face intact? We’re the men who are going to do it.
Snake raises an eyebrow and leans his head up above the rocky outcropping, watching as Moe the Midget and Obese Maurice slowly sneak up on the form of Crying Wolf, who sat on her hind legs scratching her neck. It gets to its feet slowly and smells the ground for a moment before its snaps head around, growling loudly. Maurice and Moe freeze.
Maurice: ...Ahh...Uhh..Yeah..Good doggie, like..Good dogg--
Wolf snaps around, facing them and raising its metal muzzle, howling loudly
Maurice: IEEEEEE!!! FECKING HELL, MOE, RUN!!!!!!!
Maurice and Moe skitter off as Wolf gives chase to them. Snake quickly ducks as Wolf notices him and fires off a quick shot.
Snake: Yeah, sure. Pull the other one. Now shut up, I’ve got her in my sights
Snake looks down the scope of his rifle, only for Sal to wander in the way, turn to Snake, smile and wave
Snake: OUT THE FUCKING WAY!!!
Bill quickly walks over, grabs Sal, puts him under his arm and carries him away. Wolf vanished.
He slaps his scope in frustration, turning to Lynch
Lynch: We distract her
Snake: How? She’s already got two of your men over there.
Lynch stands up and gets on his tiptoes, grabbing a pair of binoculars tied to his hip and lifting them to his eyes, staring down the sights. Sure enough, Dean and Karab are sitting there, bored.
Lynch: Lazy cunts..
That Other Random Guy: We could throw grenades?
Jericho: Awesome plan, except with those two there, it would count as collateral damage—LYNCH!
Coach Lynch has already stood up, frag grenade in hand, ready to pull the pin. Jericho grabs his hand and wrestles the grenade from his tight grip. Lynch lets go and punches the edge of the rocky outcropping.
Lynch: PLEASE LET ME KILL ONE OF YOU STUPID FUCKERS! PLEASE!
That Other Random Guy: Hmmmm..We could use Liquids parachute and smother her..
Lynch: Where’s his parachute.
That Other Random Guy points East. Sure enough, draped over the snow-topped fir trees is a blanket of fabric and string. Snake slowly turns to it and stares.
Lynch: Oh yeah. Snake? Liquids still alive.
Snake: SHIT FUCKING CUNT BASTARD WHORE SON OF A CUNT FUCK ASS DICK HEAD SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jericho: What a charming man. But, that’s a decent plan..Aren’t Phil, Billy, Bill and Sal on the other side of the fence?
That Other Random Guy: Not anymore. They’ve gone…somewhere.
Lynch lets out a desperate, strangled scream which shakes the trees, pounding at the solid, blackened rock of the outcropping
Lynch: FUCKING! STUPID! USELESS! BASTARDS!
Sals Voice: Up Periscope!
Jericho leans his head above the outcropping. In the direct middle of the field, a makeshift periscope made out of salvaged cardboard tubes and presumably mirrors pops up from the snow, twisting around. Lynch himself looks.
Lynch: HOW THE FUCK DID THEY MAKE A TUNNEL AND KEEP IT STABLE IN TEN MINUTES?!?!?!?!?!
Jericho: That’s the joy of having an endless supply of plastic spoons stolen from years of pulling cafeteria duty at the Academy.
Lynch: I wish I was back there..instead of babysitting you FUCKING COCKSUCKERS!!
Robbies Voice: I heard that!
Lynch: Robbie? Where are you?
Robbies Voice: With Dave!
Robbies Voice: In the trees, man.
Lynch looks East and West: Fir trees line the perimeter fence, but not one of them has sign of snow fallen from its branches.
Lynch: No, Can’t see you.
Robbie sighs. That Other Random Guy gives an amazed laugh.
That Other Random Guy: Under Liquids parachute?
Lynch rubs his eyes in frustration before slowly turning his head to the Fir Trees. His eyes catch a white piece of fabric furled hastily across one of the trees. Suddenly, a head pops out from beneath it, followed by an arm clutching a walkie-talkie
Robbie: Bravo-Two-Zero, This is Delta-One-Five-Ten, Reporting in, over.
Robbie: This is Robbie, WHAYOUWAN?!?!
Lynch: KILL SNIPER WOLF OR MAYBE EVEN CRYING WOLF!!!
Robbie: We’ve got a plan..
Lynch: A plan?
Robbie: The man..with a plan.
Dave: HE’S A MAN WITH A PLAN!
Lynch: Alright, what is this magic plan?
The periscope starts rotating quickly in the snow. That Other Random Guy flicks a penny at it and the penny hits the periscope, flinging it towards Sniper Wolf, who yelps and ducks as the penny goes straight through a tree.
That Other Random Guy: …Sweeeeeeet!
Robbie: Well, soon, we will dive down from the tree..and mask Wolfs view with the tarpaulin! Then you can kill her!
Lynch: …Won’t that block Snakes view?
Robbie: It’s nice and warm in here so fuck you.
The walkie talkie cuts, and Lynch watches as the periscope quickly huddles under the snow.
Lynch: I don’t even know where the fuck they are going or what the fuck to do.
Jericho sighs and pats across the rocky outcropping
Lynch: Developed a love for rocks?
Jericho: Nope, I’m going in after them.
Jericho claws away at a rock, revealing a hole barely big enough for a man to fit into. Jericho slowly crawls in on all fours and starts to crawl out of view. Lynch sticks his head in and looks around at the lines of melted plastic spoons that form the skeleton of the cave system.
Lynch: I don’t know whether to be amazed or to cry….Snake, anything yet?
Snake sticks his hand out from behind the rock. A bullet rings off and Snake quickly withdraws it, his face not changing expression.
Snake: No. I need a distraction, idiot.
Franks Voice: DID SOMEONE SAY IDIOT?!?!?
Lynch closes his eyes and looks to the sky.
Lynch: Jesus Christ, you cannot be this cruely, surely--
Heroic music plays as our three heroic veterans: Frank, Will and Bob, appear in front of them, wearing flowing red capes and standing with their hands on their hips.
Frank: MEN! ASSEMBLE!!!!!
Lynch closes his eyes tightly and hits his forehead with the ball of his fist.
Lynch: No no no no no nooooooo…..
Silence. Lynch, Snake and That Other Random Guy watch, underwhelmed.
Will: HEY! FUCKNUTS! THE GURU OF GREATNESS HAS ARRIVED! THE SULTAN OF SEX! THE PRINCE OF PORN! THE TITAN OF THE THRUST!!
Sniper Wolfs Voice: SHUT UP!
Will: HEY! BABY! YOU WANT SOME WHITE RUSSIAN IN YOUR KREMLIN?!?!
Silence. Will screams as a shot zooms past his cheek.
Will: HA! YOU MISSED!
He blinks as his cheek starts bleeding
Frank tears off his cape and walks over to Lynch
Frank: So, Lynchy, what have we got?
Lynch: Well, Snake can’t hit Wolf, I’m sitting here with my thumb up my ass and several of our greatest men have ran the fuck away, and when I say greatest, it’s like comparing retards to autistics. How do I look?
Bob: Like shit.
Lynch slowly looks up at Bob, who shrugs
Lynch: Bob, whats that black stuff on your face?
Bob wipes the liquid off his face and sniffs it
Lynch: Off what?
Bob: You don’t want to know.
Lynch: Couldn’t wait, huh?
Bob: DON’T MOCK ME DAMMIT!!!! Hey, WHOA!!
Bob stands still as Crying Wolf sniffs his leg. He stands as still as a statue, as well as Frank and Will.
Will: I think she likes you.
Bob: Why is she here?
Frank: Overlapping time warps? Me no know.
Will: Don’t you have to break the normal flow of events to get her to go away? I mean, in ine years, she’ll be here as queen emo bitch.
Bob: So…we need to make her happy and thus change the timeflow?
Lynch: I’m not comfortable with thrusting my dick in times face anymore.
The periscope shoots up between the rocky outcropping and Crying Wolf.
Phils Voice: Someone wants to kick science in the face? I’m here.
A pair of hands claw from out of the sand behind the periscope and Phils head appears as he drags himself out the snow, hopping onto Wolfs back like she’s a horse. He pats across her back and head.
Phil: Babe..come out.
Phil jumps off and walks around Wolf, who is now standing intently, mechanical wire tail wagging.
Phil: Open the hatch hon..What got you depressed?
Crying Wolfs Voice: Someone stole the cookies..
Phil: Evil bastards..But I’m here now…Babe..come out..
The hatch of Crying Wolf flies open, spraying Phil with a translucent goo. He wipes off his eyes.
Crying Wolf emerges for a split second from her suit, black hair flowing and a smile on her plump lips before a blue haze engulfs her and she vanishes.
Phil: WOO! FUCKING YEAH! FUCK YEAH! FUCKING YEAH! TAKE THAT SCIENCE YOU WHORE!
Phil runs back to the hole he made and jumps in
Phil: Step on it lads!
The periscope vanishes under the snow, leaving only a small mound where it was. Frank, Bob and Will stare at the huge mound of disturbed snow where Crying Wolf once stood, blinking.
Lynch: Well, that takes care of that. Snake?
Snake is looking down the scope of his PSG1 once more.
Snake: Almost…almost…almost….POW RIGHT IN THE KISSER!!
The mercenaries scramble up the rock
Snake: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA No. I just said that to get it out of my system.
A shot rings out and Snake screams, rolling behind the rock.
Snake: WOO! Almost got me!
That Other Random Guy: FUCK YOU!
That Other Random Guy is sitting deep in snow.
Will: Wow, you would’ve thought with that amount of cushion, the bullet would’ve bounced off.
That Other Random Guy: Hey, gay boy, if you’re staring at my ass to come to that conclusion, you might want fuck a woman for once!
Will: What on Earth are those ugly cunts doing?
That Other Random Guy: Oh, fuck you!
Will: Don’t flatter yourself, you retarded offspring of the Elephant Man and Hitler, I’m talking about those morons!
Will points over the rock in the vague direction of the small forest where Sniper Wolf is hiding.
Frank, Lynch, Will and Bob raise their heads, looking across the snowfield. They watch as Sniper Wolf slowly inches across their view on her stomach, keeping her eye trained on her scope. Behind her, one of the doors to a storage hut opens, and several, staggering shadows emerge
Lynch:Fuck, what are those idiots doing?
Frank stands up, squinting
Frank: Whose that with them?
They watch as Phil, Jericho, Sal, Bill, Billy, Vince, Brick, Obese Maurice and Moe the Midget stumble into view directly behind Sniper Wolf, giggling amongst themselves and stumbling around, bouncing off eachother.
BobL Are they…drunk?
Behind the mercenaries walks Dick Head, faithful, long-suffering barkeep of the Lamb and Flag, holding two kegs of Black Sheep Bitter under each arm. Emotional music plays as Dick and Frank run across the open snowfield towards eachother. Frank is visibly crying and has his arms open.
Will: That shit is so homosexual.
As soon as Dick reaches Frank, however, he drops the kegs, pulls a Remington Shotgun from his back and points it at Franks head.
Dick: Tab. When are you fucking paying it?
Frank: Heheh…uhh..Dick..can’t this wait til we get back?
Dick stares at Frank and holsters his shotgun onto his back.
Dick: I’m onto you, drunky..
Frank: OH! DICK! How are you here?
Frank: Shame…and you brought..kegs?
Dick: Ones still half-full.
Dick: None for you.
Frank looks up at the sky
Dick: Cause they paid their tabs.
He points back at the stumbling mercenaries. Sniper Wolf is visibly twitching, a vein pulsing in her temple as Obese Maurice bends over behind her, sniggering and farting as Billy lights it
Billy: FUCK ME! THAT WAS A BIG’UN!!!
Frank: Lucky drunken bastards…
Sniper Wolf: JUST STOP IT! OKAY?!
The mercenaries simply laugh. Moe slaps Wolfs butt and she stands up, pulling her fist back to punch him. Dave and Robbie spot their chance.
Dave and Robbie: FOR THE BLACK PEARL!!
Dramatic music sounds as they unfurl the parachute and jump down from their tree. The harsh cold air carries them across the snowfield, landing them in front of the set of trees which hides Sniper Wolf.
Snake: FUCKING USELESS!!
Bob: I’ll get them.
Will: Wait for me..I want to tap dat ass!
Will gives a small hipthrust and him and Bob run across the snowfield to the closely-bunched set of fir trees, where the fabric of the parachute has now blocked it from view. Dave and Robbie are busy trying to hold it down, but the harsh blizzard is simply causing it to flail wildly.
Will: HEY BABY!
Wolf growls and turns around as Will has made it with supersonic speed to her position, somehow managing to remove his clothes and strip down to just a pair of boxers, white woolen socks and a smile, his purple silk fatigues on the floor beside him.
Will: Sup baby? Want me to liberate your pants in the name of Russia?
Sniper Wolf: I’M A KURD!!
Will: And I’m a stud, baby!
Wolf: FUCK OFF!
Will: Jesus, honey, calm down.
Sniper Wolf looks around at Will, at the drunken mercenaries now singing pirate shanties behind her, at Frank and Dick arguing, at Robbie and Dave fighting with a parachute which has now flown into the air thanks to Bob trying to hold it by himself. She sighs and lays down on her stomach, grasping her rifle once more and looking down the scope. A small, soothing silence fills the air, as the mercenaries stop singing.
Wolf: Thank you..
All of a sudden, bagpipes start being played, along with a drum and a didgeridoo. She snaps her head back to look at them: Billy is busy dancing around playing bagpipes, Phil is busy pounding at a giant drum tied around his waist while Sal dances around with a didgeridoo.
Wolf: SHUT UP!!!
Will: oo! Baby! I see him!
Wolf curses loudly and looks down her scope
Will: Sorry, that’s a tree.
Wolf curses loudly, staring down her scope. She watches as Robbies feet get in her scopes way, but he quickly moves. Wolf is grinding her teeth in despair as the bagpipes, drum and didgeridoo continue to play.
Frank: I can’t see this ending well.
Dick: That’s the plan, isn’t it?
Frank looks at Dick
Frank: …Ahh..good point.
The final straw comes a few seconds later. The sound of retching and gulping fills the air. Bill stumbles in between mercenaries, only to stand over Sniper Wolf, cheeks bulging. Without care, Bill vomits on Sniper Wolfs back.
Wolf: YOU FUCKING DICKHEAD!
Wolf stands up, pointing at Bill with her PSG1. Bill stumbles back, giggling, into Phil and Sal
Sal: Sheeeit..I..I think she’s angry dude..
Bill: Duuuude…like…duuuuude…chill out….blonde chick…wanna see my penis?
Wolf growls violently and stares at him, only for her to scream when she looks at her hands. Mr. Moneypennies is crawling erratically over her hands
Mr. Moneypennies: Sheeit….hey babe…want some snake in you?
Wolf: IT TALKS?! WHAT KIND OF DEMON--
A shot rings out. Bill screams and jumps on Phil and Sal, sending them flat into the dirt covered in blood. Bill clutches his chest.
Bill: I HAVE DIED!!! Rose…bud..
Maurice: Aw holy shit man, she dead?
Sniper Wolf blinks and slowly looks down at her body. On her right chest is a wet, red stain, slowly growing in size. A blank bullethole has pierced through her right breast and she holds a hand to it before moving it to her face, staring at the soaked blood. She gives a small groan of pain before collapsing backwards in front of the bewildered mercenaries.
Dean:Shame, I kinda liked her.
Lynch lets out a victorious whoop as he runs across the Snowfield at the mercenaries, pumping his arms.
Lynch: YEAH ALRIIIIIIIGHT!!! SHE’S DEAD! IT’S FUCKING OVER!
Snake stands up and slowly walks over, That Other Random Guy limping with his arm over his shoulders. Snake keeps dragging That Other Random Guy as the other mercenaries watch. Dean himself is lying beside the fallen form of Sniper Wolf, grinning and giving a thumbs up while Bill and Dave take pictures on their mobile phone.
Dave: Got it!
Wolf: Let me..die..in peace..
Wolf coughs loudly, causing droplets of blood to emit into the air.
Sal: It’s funny cause she’s dead.
Wolf: I’m…still alive.
Will: Can I bone her?
Mercenaries and Wolf: NO!
Vince: By my calculations, you will be dead soon. Very dead. Incredibly dead. Killed by death. Death struck--
Wolf: I get it..
Snake reaches Wolfs side and throws That Other Random Guy into Frank, Bob and Will, who catch him.
Will:: Fucking hell..loosen up on the cocoa!
That Other Random Guy: She shot my arse! BITCH!
Wolf: I…I’ve waited for this moment..I am a sniper…Waiting is my job…Never moving a muscle…concentrating..
Wolf coughs up some more droplets of blood.
Dave: That’s some nasty shit.
Frank: Well, she’s dead
Sal: Nice…to know….we have…SHERLOCK! HA! SEE! I TOTALLY SAID SOMETHING IRONIC!
Frank: Oh, shut UP!
Dick: So, this is what you guys do as a career?
Will: We mainly kill men, not hot chicks..Shame, really
Dick looks down at Wolf, pulling out his mobile phone and taking a picture, looking at it
Snake: Ignore them.
Wolf grasps the strap of Snakes combat vest
Wolf: I AM LUNG SHOT!!! Y…y..you cannot save me……Please…..just finish me quick………I am a Kurd…………I have always dreamed of a peaceful place like this..
Sal: IT’S FUNNY CAUSE IT’S IRONY!!
Sal vomits on the ground
Brick: Oh..oh…shit…That’s some…some nasty…stuff, man..
Snake: A Kurd? So that’s why you’re called Wolf..
Wolf: I was born…on a battlefield….raised…on a battlefield…..Gunfire, sirens and screams….they were my lullabies….hunted like dogs..day after day….driven from our ragged shelters…..that…was my life…Each morning, I’d wake up….and find a few more of my..family or friends dead beside me…..I’d stare at the morning sun…. and pray to make it through the day….the governments of the world turned a blind eye to our misery…But then…he appeared…My hero….Saladin..He took me away from all that..
Snake: Saladin? You mean Big Boss?
A silence befalls the mercenaries. Lynch slowly reaches into his pocket and pulls out a white booklet labelled “Shit You Need To Know by C. Cussion”, flicking through it and mouthing “EH?!”
Billy: Saladin….That’s like….Pakistani…
Karab: Shut up! It’s an old Middle Eastern name!
Lynch: Have some respect, assholes.
Lynch growls at Frank, who gives a small yelp and folds his arms, looking around nervously. The mercenaries are busy walking around, bored stiff.
Phil: Oh yeah, real emotional claptrap..Just what we love..
Moe the Midget: This is so fucking boring, I wanna kill something!
Billy: Same ‘ere lads..
Wolf: I became a sniper…hidden…watching everything through a rifles scope….Now I could see war..not from the inside..but from the outside..as an observer…I watched the brutality..the stupidity of mankind through the scope of my rifle..
Billy: Sweeet..Me too!
Billy sits beside Wolf. Brick stumbles against a tree, vomiting down the trunk.
Mr. Moneypennies: …|Duuuude….ya gonna eat dat?
Wolf: I joined this group of revolutionaries... to take my revenge on the world….but... I have shamed myself and my people…..I am no longer the wolf I was born to be... In the name of vengeance….I sold my body and my soul....now...I am nothing more than a dog….
Snake: Wolves are noble animals. They're not like dogs. In Yupik, the word for wolf is "Kegluneq", and the Aleuts revere them as honorable cousins. They call mercenaries like us "Dogs of War". It's true, we're all for sale at some price or another. But you're different. ...untamed... solitary. You're no dog... You're a wolf.
Lynch kneels beside Wolf, next to Snake.
Lynch: We’re all “Dogs of War” here, and I know a Dog when I see one. You’re a wolf.
Snake: See? These guys are Dogs.
Wolf gives a small chuckle, coughing up some more blood.
Frank kneels on the opposite side of Wolf, accompanied by Sal, who quickly collapses backwards.
Frank: Good god..
Wolf: Who are you? ...Are you Saladin?
Snake: Wolf...you spared Meryl's life…
Wolf: She... she was never my real target... I don't kill for sport...
Snake: Rest easy. You'll die as the proud wolf you are.
Lynch: A noble warrior.
Frank: ..Stuck in an un-noble cause. A true face for mercenaries everywhere.
Phil, Billy, Will, Obese Maurice, Sal, Jericho and Bill: Oh fuck you.
Jericho: Fucking poofter pansy..
Wolf: I finally understand. I wasn't waiting to kill people...I was waiting for someone to kill me. A man like you...You're a hero….please... set me free…..
Will: Step aside, she needs a hero. He’s gotta be strong, he’s gotta be fast, and he’s gotta be fresh from the fight. So, none of you fuckers fit the bill, not Mr. Clone, not drunkards, not anger man, not the Cockney trenchcoat wearing turd, no-one BUT ME!
Obese Maurice grabs Will by the neck of his suit and throws him to the ground.
Snake: Thanks. Alright then..You Dogs want to look away?
Dean: We’re mercenaries, we’ve seen this shit before!
Dick is busy pointing at Wolfs body with his cellphone camera.
Dick: Not me
Snake slowly gets to his feet, pulling his SOCOM from his holster and standing over Wolfs head and pointing the barrel directly between her eyes. Frank and Lynch stand up and walk backwards away from the body.
Karab: Go to God, blessed and exalted is he.
Before Snake can pull the trigger, however, tere is the sound of snow crackling beneath boots, the blizzard starting to calm down. Otacon comes running across the field, still wearing his stealth camouflage.
Otacon: Why?!?!!? I loved you...
The other mercenaries moan and groan.
Jericho: Fuck pansy shit..
Jericho turns around, folding his arms. Dick is still pointing his camera at the body, while Phil, Sal, Bill, Billy, Mr. Dibbley and Moe the Midget are sat down watching. Wolf reaches her arm out to her side.
Wolf: My gun...give it to me...
Otacon quickly scampers over to her, but Billy grabs her rifle and hands it to her.
Wolf: She's part of me…
Billy: Mines part of me too..
Wolf gives a small smile as Billy reaches back and pats his own rifle.
Wolf: Take care of her..
Billy: Can you autograph it?
She clutches the rifle tightly to her chest.
Wolf: Everyone's here now…okay, hero….set me free…
Snake cocks the hammer of his SOCOM as Otacon turns around and puts his hands over his ears, closing his eyes tightly.
Moe the Midget: Awww..he was in love!
Brick: Aw, how cute..
Mr. Moneypennies: Awwwww..
Dick watches intently. Jericho is still looking away. Mr. Dibbley has taken to laying on his stomach. Will has taking to kneeling beside Wolf and clutching her hand, stroking it.
Will: It’ll be over soon sexy..
Billy is watching intently, while the other mercenaries are wandering aimlessly across the snowfield. Vince has taken to having a snowball fight with Brick and Dean several yards away. Dave makes a sign of a cross on his chest in unison with Robbie.
Snake pulls the trigger. A gunshot rings out. A lone wolf howls in the bitter wind. A desperate, strangled cry fills the air.
Karab: God, blessed and exalted is he, be with you..
Will looks down at her. Wolfs head is a bloody mess. Billy wipes some brain matter from his white soldier suit.
BillY: She’s dead..
Sal: …..Well fucking duh.
Otacon stands over her, hand over his mouth. Snake holsters his SOCOM as Jericho lights a cigar and puts it between his lips.
Otacon: Snake, you said that love could bloom on a battlefield... But I couldn't save her…
Snake bends down over Wolf's body and pulls a handkerchief out of one of his combat vest pockets, draping it over Wolfs face, causing it to become soaked with scarlet blood.
Otacon: What are you doing?
Snake: Returning it to it's owner. I don't need a hankerchief.
Snake: I don't have any more tears to shed…
On cue, Otacon starts sobbing wildly. Billy is silent, while Will is poking Wolfs left, non-wounded, breast.
Will: Awww man, this feels so soft!
Snake: I'm going to the underground base. We're out of time.
Snake: Pretty much.
Lynch: Alright, cocksuckers, man up. It’s time to end this shit.
Phil slowly gets to his feet, nodding and grasping his FAMAS, pulling back the slide and chambering the magazine.
Phil: I got some bullets ready, y’all down with this?
Billy yawns and grasps Phils leg, using to pull himself up. He pats his rifle.
Billy: Ready and able.
Frank nods. Frank, Lynch, Billy and Phil form a small circle. Robbie and Dave stand up, walking towards the circle. Robbie pulls back the slide of his own FAMAS Assault Rifle and nods.
Lynch: Alright! ALRIGHT! MERCENARIES! MAN UP!
Snake himself turns to Otacon.
Snake: You'll have to protect yourself now. Don't trust anyone.
Snake: If I can't stop Metal Gear, this whole place will probably be bombed to hell.
Mr. Dibbley now joins the circle of Mercenaries, slapping his goggles over his eyes with a flipper.
Mr. Dibbley: It will be an honor, sirs!
Noticing the mercenaries seem to have a newer fire in their belly, more of them are starting to come together.
Sal: Lets rock, bizzies.
Karab walks into the circle, slapping his metal riot shield
Karab: LETS GET IT ON!
Dean walks beside Karab, pulling back the slide on his FAMAS Assault Rifle and grinning.
Dean: Fuck yeah, you guys ain’t rolling without a Chevrolet boy!
That Other Random Guy, still wincing, limps forward and nods, clutching the butt of his FAMAS in one hand.
That Other Random Guy: ..Yeah yeah, count me in.
Bob walks forward, nodding and holding his rifle across his body
Bob: Here and ready for service.
He salutes and stands at attention. Will snorts from beside Wolf, but stands up, strapping his rifle tighter to his body via the silk strap and walks into the circle, cracking his knuckles.
Will: You guys need someone who is fucking sexy, Looks like I’m the only one qualified enough.
Vince stands up and quickly walks beside Billy, pulling back the slide of his Colt .45
Vince: Fuck yeah!
Obese Maurice walks into the circle, knocking Phil and Billy aside, cracking his knuckles and cricking his neck.
Maurice: Anyone wanting to mess with us is gonna have to go through Wor Maur!
Moe the Midget runs between Maurices legs and spins, standing between Maurice and Phil with his arms folded.
Moe: Fat Man and Little Boy are here on the scene!
Lynch nods. Frank is fighting back the urge to grin broadly. Bill walks into the circle and nods, slicking back his hair.
Bill: This Virginia boys ready to deliver beatdowns!
Brick runs in
Brick: HUNKER DOWN!!
Mr. Moneypennies: Fuck yeah, bizzies! The boys are in da hood!
Lynch: OI! KINGSTON!
Jericho sighs and turns to the huddle.
Phil: Move it, fucking pansy!
Jericho points a gloved finger at him and walks into the huddle beside Phil.
Jericho: Alright, I’m game.
Snake is busy talking to Otacon near the huddle.
Snake: We might not meet again.
Otacon: I'll hang onto my Codec. I wanna keep helping.
Snake: You can leave any time. Get a headstart... a headstart on your new life.
Snake begins to walk away towards the Level 7 supply hut
Otacon: Snake!! What was she fighting for? What am I fighting for!? What are you fighting for!?
Snake: If we make it through this, I'll tell you.
Otacon: Alright..I'll be searching too!
A wolf lets out an echoing wall throughout the Snowfield, as Otacon turns on his stealth and patters away, his feet crunching heavily in the snow. Snake turns to the huddle of mercenaries.
Snake: Oi, Dogs of War..Don’t die out there.
Lynch: Same to you, amateur.
Snake gives a small grin.
Lynch: We’ve got your back, no way we’re gonna let Liquid go apeshit with a nuke, right guys?
Sal: Yeah, but Ivans there, so holy fucking shit!
Vince: The guy who likes big booms has got a nuclear device? Okay, I’m afraid.
Vince ‘BIG BOOM! KABOOM!’ Before we know it, we’re growing ten pairs of arms and living in a trailer in the backwaters of Georgia.
Bob: And eating gravy with everything.
Frank: Shut up dick, I’m Texan! I’ll have you know gravy is a state symbol! Like Haggis is the national animal of Scotland!
Billy: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!! Oh, you Americans are fucking idiots.
Frank: FUCK YOU!
Lynch: Alright, fucktards, shut up. Get moving Snake, we’re behind you.
Snake nods and turns to his left, walking across the Snowfield. Behind him, the mercenaries follow him to the tune of “The Ecstacy of Gold” by Ennio Morricone. Snake stops and looks around.
Snake: Fucking musics crazy..
Lynch: Yeah, we know.
"Spanish Flea" by Herb Albert and the Tijuana Brass Band starts playing.
Snake: ...Fuck off!
After a short walk, the mercenaries and Snake turn right near some lone Fir trees, through a Level 6 security door. A short silence follows, punctuated by the yips and howls of the wolves. Only a few lone wooden boxes stand in front of them to their right: To their left, situated at an angle to give a short passage into the supply hut, is a stack of cold metal boxes: Three stacked on the side nearest, two next to the wall, and one behind each pile. Situated behind this is a gun camera.
Frank: Oh turd.
Snake: You guys know how to get past these right?
Sal: OH YEAH!
Sal pulls out a rubber band from his pocket, tightens it and flicks it at the camera. The camera turns red and turns to Sal.
Sal: ....Oh. Right. That only works on rotting paper.
Silence. Sal stands very still.
Sal: What do I do?!
Karab inches forward, Riot Shield in hand, but the camera spins to Karab, who stands very still, grinning innocently.
Dean: WHY ARE YOU SMILING?! RAISE YOUR SHIELD!
Karab keeps standing still.
Karab: I don't..think..it sees..me--
The camera starts shooting at Karabs legs. Karab screams and starts to Ska dance, avoiding the bullets. The camera lets out a mechanical laugh.
Camera: DANCE-A MONKEY DANCE!!
It starts shooting at his arms and legs, causing Karab to do the Charleston. While this is going on, Mr. Dibbley waddles towards the camera and slaps it clean off the wall with a well-placed flipper.
Camera: I WILL-A HAVE MAH REVENGE!!
Mr. Dibbley looks down at the camera, his eyes turning a violent shade of red.
Mr. Dibbley: Hasta La Vista..Camera.
Mr. Dibbley stomps a webbed foot down on the camera, which smashes into pieces..
Ocelot is watching the camera screen, or rather, the static. Behind him, Johan is wiping his head with an oily rag.
Ocelot: Your friends seem to have come a long way..
Johan: Johan wants pay.
Ocelots eyes widen.
Ocelot: OHHHHHHH! I have to pay your guys their three thousand each! And their one hundred added fee! Ohhhhh...Errr..do you have five dollars you can lend me?
Johan: Johan no give cowboy man money.
Ocelot: Awwwww c'mon, ya dickhead! Please, mate! Awwwwww! C'mon! Don't be sad!
Johan: We still wait for pay. Me and brothers build Metal Gear REX.
Ocelot looks up. Metal Gear REX is erected nicely before them, but Ocelot can't see: Draped over the railgun is a massive Mexican Flag, obscuring the view from the Control Room. That Hispanic Guy walks in, wiping his moustache.
That Hispanic Guy: Hola! You like? I call it.."Pablo"!
Ocelot: Whats with the Mexican Flag?
That Hispanic Guy: So you gain the adoration of my people in Latin America and cause them to rise up and deal their fat American masters a crushing blow! And after that....Canada.
Sinister music plays as That Hispanic Guy flicks a switchblade and throws it a map pinned to the wall, hitting roughly where Toronto is.
Ocelot: Why Canada?
A small silence filled the room.
That Hispanic Guy: ...Cause their stupid, their accents are funny, and I hate Kraft Macaroni.
Ocelots eyes narrow.
Ocelot: ..I hate Kraft Macaroni too.....ON! TO CANADA!
Ocelot marches out of the Control Room. That Hispanic Guy turns to Johan and shrugs.
That Hispanic Guy: He loco, ese.
Behind them, Bobby and Stoofer are replacing the Mexican flag with a red one, while That Random Guy is busy welding something onto the cockpit of REX.
Snake: Alright guys, we ready?
Lynch: As we'll ever be.
Snake mazes through the crates and turns right, out of sight behind the wooden crates. The mercenaries follow after a few seconds, turning right. A small passage awaits them, and on their left, near a wall, awaits the door to The End: A Level 6 security door.
The screen cuts to black..
Before cutting back to outside the hut. Dave and Robbie quickly rush outside. Robbie rushes over to Wolfs body and kneels beside her, rifling through her pockets. He stands up, giving a small ho-hum
Robbie: NOTHING HERE!!
Franks Voice: ALRIGHT! REPORT BACK!
As Robbie walks past Dave, Dave grabs his shoulder and pulls him close.
Dave: Psst..Robbie..What about that baby wolf?
Robbie opens the breast pocket of his German uniform. Sure enough, the little bundle of fur is still curled up.
Robbie: ….We keep it.
Dave: Is it still alive?
Robbie reaches into his pocket, holding the wolf in one hand and outstretches his arm, palm-up, the little bundle of fluff in it. Sure enough, its amber eyes open, its tiny mouth gapes and it looks around.
Dave: We are some compassionate people, aren’t we?
Robbie: I love animals…but human life means nothing to me.
Dave looks at him, blinking.
Dave: Let’s go before we get our balls busted.
The pup yips and Robbie gets on one knee, setting it down. However, it quickly runs up Robbies arm and into his open breast pocket, curling up there. Robbie pats his pocket.
Robbie: We’ve got people to kill little fella.
Robbie and Dave walk through the security door and join the mercenaries, who all ready their weapons.
Lynch: WE ALL READY?!
The mercenaries look around. Lynch is at the front, while Mr. Dibbley, Bob, Frank, Will, That Other Random Guy, Karab, Sal and Billy are squashed into the passage against the walls. Phil, Brick, Bill and Dean are sat on the metal crates for space to stretch, while Vince, Maurice, Moe, Dave and Robbie are in single file between both sets of crates. Lynch turns around.
Lynch: LOOK LIVELY, YOU EXPERIMENTAL FOETUSES!! SINGLE FILE!
Cursing fills the room as Phil, Brick, Bill and Dean vault over the metal boxes to line up behind Robbie. With this, Billy, Sal, Karab, That Other Random Guy and Will form a line, ranging from Frank to the opposite wall under where the camera is. Lynch nods as Frank, Bob and Mr. Dibbley form a line.
Lynch: ON ME!
Lynch leads the line closest to the door through it, while after Will has walked past their line of sight, Vince pulls out a Claymore from nowhere and points it forward.
Vince: TO VICTORY!
Vince leads his line around the wooden boxes and to the right, heading for the door.
Dean: We need to think of our own slogan.
Brick: Me too!
Lynch: SHUT UP BACK THERE!
COMING SOON: Chapter XII
The end is so close, yet so far away! As our Mercenaries advance towards the fated REX’s Lair, our mercenaries face the battle to keep their identities secret and their selves alive! And with the biggest goddamn Alaskan standing in their way, it may be easier said than done! Tune in next time to see Toasty Furnaces, Tongues On Pipes, 9.0 Dives and The Biggest Fucking Alaskan You’ve Seen!