We arrive where we left Coach Lynch: Bolting towards Vulcan Raven. Raven stands there, eyes widened as Lynch lets out a bloodcurdling war cry and throws a ferocious punch into the side of Ravens mouth. Ravens head snaps to the side and he stumbles against the left-hand container, leaning against it as Lynch starts raining vicious blows down onto his head.
Lynch: LYNCH KILL! LYNCH KILL! LYNCH KILL!
Raven gasps out in pain. Snake turns the corner and stares at Lynch before whistling innocently and turning back around. As Raven doubles over, Lynch starts accompanying the blows with knees to the side of the temple.
Lynch: TASTE! BLOOD! TASTE! BLOOD!
Raven spits out a tooth, blood spilling from his thickening lip which is turning a deep blue, and rises up, clasping his right hand to Lynchs throat and hoisting him high in the air. Lynch stares down at Raven with an animalistic furiousness and launches his right leg upwards, aiming brutal kicks towards Ravens neck and throat. Raven slams his back against the opposite container, but Raven keeps pounding him against the container: Lynch responds by simply kicking harder.
Raven: Playtime is over.
Lynchs eyes widen.
Lynch: Well that’s not good.
Raven pulls the arm holding Lynch back before hurling him forward into the bottom right corner of the room: Lynch hit’s the floor, skids on his stomach, and smashes head first into a series of three frozen pipes extending from the floor to the ceiling, knocking him unconsciousness. Raven cracks his knuckles and grins.
Meanwhile, outside the Warehouse and in the safety of the frozen coridoor before its entrance, Frank is standing before the group of mercenaries, clutching a handful of white lollipop sticks.
Frank: Alright..cheers Maurice for the Lollipop Sticks of Fate..
Maurice: Ah always keep ‘em ready, Frank!
Jericho: So whats this about, then?
Billy: I don’t like this!
Frank: We’ll draw sticks every five minutes. Whoever picks the shortest straw enters….the Elimination Chamber.
Sal: The what?
Everyone looks at Frank. Frank wrinkles his nose.
Frank: Fuck you. You heard me.
Dean: Well, at least none of us have to face DA UNDATAKAH!!
Silence. The room goes dark and a deep gong sound pierces the air. The lights quickly go on as quick as they went off.
Dean: I’ve gotten used to that.
Bob: Me too..me too..
Frank: Look, guys, focus. It’s getting dangerous in there, and something tells me that a blisteringly-violent screaming death awaits those unlucky enough to enter.
Sal: I’m fine back here, then!
Frank: Dammit, silver-spoon, get your ass over here!
Sal: I’m…tying my shoelaces!
Vince: SO AM I! Wow, I have one big knot. This will definitely take a while to fix. Maybe a few hours. Isn’t that right, Sal?
Karab: I am not Sal, but I do agree with you, Vince.
Frank sighs and holds out a fistful of straws.
Frank: Look, let’s just do this, alright?
Will: That’s what your mother said.
Will flexes his hips and snaps his fingers, pointing at Frank.
Will: SNAP! BURNED SUCKER!
Frank: TAKE A FUCKING STRAW!
That Other Random Guy: That’s what SHE said!
Silence. That Other Random Guy holds up his hand, but Jericho slowly shakes his head. That Other Random Guy lowers his head and whines.
Frank: Look, you dickheads, just pick a fucking stick!
The mercenaries walk over to Frank and snatch one stick each. Each of them takes a step backwards, staring down at their hands. Frank gives a deep breath in and a deep breath out.
Frank: …Only the most unluckiest man in the world will have got the short stick.
Before anyone can open their hands, Phil walks forward, taps in the code, and walks through the open door. Frank blinks.
Frank: Phil, I was jo--
Phil throws down the shortest stick behind him.
Will: Wow, that IS unlucky! Well, better him than us.
Phil looks around the Warehouse and sighs, stretching his arms and cricking his neck from side to side.
Phil: Phil has entered the Elimination Chamber!
He looks around, throwing a few jabs into thin air and marches on the spot, raising his arms.
Phil: Such glory! Such glory! Such glor--
In the row of containers in front of him, the bulking form of Vulcan Raven turns the corner and stares at him, eyes narrowed and Gatling Gun pointed directly at him.
Phil: Such..FUCKING BAD LUCK!
Raven throws his head back and gives a booming laugh which shakes the light fixtures. Phil takes this time to dash forward, meeting Raven with a vicious right hook to his left pec. The muscle ripples slightly, but Raven stands there, his bulky frame standing tall in the near-white room. Phil stops and punches again, this time in his stomach. The fist simply hits another muscle, and it ripples indiscrimimately.
Phil: Oh fuck.
Raven lets out another booming laugh, throwing his head back.
Phil: …Ohhhhhhhhh fuck.
Raven looks down at Phil and grabs him by his collar, lifting him several feet above ground with one hand. Phils legs kick and wiggle helplessly as the skillet-sized hand raises him high.
Raven: Pathetic puny man.
Phil: HE’S GONNA EAT ME!! HEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!
Raven: I’m not going to eat you.
Phil breathes a deep sigh of relief.
Raven: I’m just going to crush you.
Phil: NO!!! NOT SNU SNU!! ANYTHING BUT SNU SNU!!!
Several shots ring out throughout the warehouse. Raven stops and turns around, blood running limply from his back, still holding Phil who chokes violently as the force drives his collar against his neck. Will is standing there in front of the blast doors, his FAMAS Assault Rifle raised, smoking wisping from the barrel. As soon as he sees Ravens eyes, he lowers his gun, looking up at him.
Will: …..WHY DID I DRAW THE SHORT STRAW THIS TIME?!
Raven: Your bullets do not harm me.
Will: WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?!?!?!?!?
Phil: WHY WOULD HE TELL YOU OR ME HIS WEAKNESS?!?!?!?!
Will: …To kill him?
Phil: GO FOR THE BALLS!!
Will blinks and charges forward, right foot dragging across the floor. As he reaches Ravens large figure, he swings that right foot up and right between Ravens legs. A huge crack fills the air, and Wills eyes twitches.
Will hops around, clutching and rubbing his foot. Raven chuckles.
Raven: CUP OF POWER!!
Phils legs lash out even more.
Phil: Can you let me down, Mr. Giant Black Man, sir?
Phil whimpers and Raven walks over to Will, leaning down with another massive hand and grasping Will by the straps of his combat vest, raising him up as high as he holds Phil. At least the air is slightly warmer, but both men find their air supply being cut off as the collars get tighter.
Will lashes out violently, and the tip of his foot catches the side of Ravens tree-trunk like neck. Raven simply shakes it off.
Raven: It’s useless.
Phil: It really is.
Raven stands there, looking up at his prey. He shrugs and slams them both together. Both men yelp wildly.
Will: FUCK!! THAT HURT AND STANK!!
Phil: Hey,that didn’t hurt! Wills so skinny his bones are made of paper mache!
Raven shrugs and slams his right hand violently against a metal container, slamming Phils back roughly against it. Phil chokes wildly before Raven swings him back up near Will.
Phil: …Ok..that hurt..
Karab: FOR ALLAH!!!!!
Karab charges out from behind a container to the right of Raven and runs straight at Ravens back, Shield in one hand. Raven turns, and Karab slams the brunt of the metal shield against Ravens stomach. The force simply throws Karab back, causing him to roll backwards, and send his shield flying to the opposite wall.
Karab: Ooo fuck.
Raven walks over to Karab and leans over him.
Raven: Wait your turn.
Karab: O-okay Mr. Raven sir!
Will and Phil quickly use the time to deliver a thunderous hook in unison to the sides of Ravens temple. Even in the usual human weak spot, Raven still stands up, shaking off the tandem punch and walks away from the blast door, turning right around the corner.
Raven: SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!! I HAVE YOUR ALLIES!!
Snakes Voice: Not my allies!
Phil: YOU JUDAS! YOU FUCKING JUDAS!
The sound of quick, pattering feet fills the air. Raven turns aroumd, only for Dean to turn the corner and use the momentum to perform a lunging dive at him, grasping his right arm,. Raven blinks and looks down at Dean. Dean looks up.
Dean: Hey, hows it going?
Dean squeezes his arm.
Dean: Loving the biceps.
Raven slams his right arm against a metal container and Dean groans in pain.
Dean: Okay, that hurt LIKE A FUCKER!
Karab scrambles forward, grasping Ravens massive left shin, and wraps both arms and his legs around it, pounding it with his forearms.
Karab: FALL! FALL! FALL!
Raven sighs and slowly unstraps the gun from around his body, leaning back slightly and dropping the giant drum of bullets to the floor, followed by the M61 Vulcan in front of him, and eases himself down onto his left knee, crushing Karab against the floor who starts tapping his thigh.
Karab: I QUIT! I QUIT!
Dean: He’s turning purple!
Karab: SIR! HELP! I CAN FEEL MY SPINE EXCRETING PRECIOUS FLUID!
Dean: It’s just blood!
Karab taps harder, but Raven kneels down more. Phil sighs and looks to the sky.
Phgil: I hope to God no-one judges me for what I am about to do.
Phil eases up Ravens arm and leans in, biting the side of his neck roughly. Raven groans loudly, getting off his knees and shaking his arms and legs in pain. Will looks at Phil.
Will: Such a brave man..making the ultimate sacrifice…DUDE! THAT LOOKS HOMOSEXUAL!
Will laughs loudly, only for Ravens left arm to swing out and smash Will against a container violently, causing him to slide down them and to the floor.
Will: I…see…Raven…and not…the..one..with..the cute….ass..
Raven sways violently, bellowing to the heavens. Phil quickly lets go, spitting onto the floor in disgust.
Phil: BARBECUE! I NEED BARBECUE SAUCE!
Raven reaches his now-free left arm around, trying to grasp Phil. Phil quickly slides around to the back of his arm, hugging his tricep.
Phil: Gotcha muscles!
Ravens left arm reaches around his back, clawing at Phil who simply scoots over and latches around his back.
Phil: Gotcha back!
Raven sighs and stands still, standing up as straight as he can.
Phil: This can’t be--
Raven starts to fall backwards.
Phils cries are muffled as Raven lands on his back, crushing Phil between flesh, muscle and concrete. Will reaches out weakly.
Will: PHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiihaha!!! YOU LOSE!
Raven slowly gets to one knee, then to his feet, lumbering up and turning around, stepping over Phils fallen form to grab his gun.
Phil: I TASTE THE PAIN OF TEN THOUSAND MEN!!
Karab: You’re crushed bones might make the forms of ten thousand men!
Dean: KARAB! CUNT! DO SOMETHING!
Raven looks down at his right arm, narrowing his eyes and looking at Dean who is latched there, grinning up at him.
Dean: Hiiiiiiii buddy!! How is everything? Everything going alright?
Raven: Let go of the arm and die.
Dean: …Don’t you mean “Or die”?
Raven slams his right arm viciously into one of the containers. Dean yelps and lets go, falling onto his hands and knees and scurrying towards Karab. Karab screams wildly, dropping his shield, waving his arms and running off in a random direction.
Dean: YOU FUCKING JUDAS! GET BACK HERE!
A large shadow falls over Dean as he stares at the wall.
Dean: And tonight on the Dean Chevrolet show, I’M GONNA FUCKING DIE!!
Dean turns around, gulping and looking up at Raven.
Dean: ….Do you like pancakes?
Raven: What does that have to do with ANYTHING?!
Dean spins to his left and runs southwards, past one container and into a wall. He stops and turns around, seeing Raven staring at him.
Dean scuttles to his right, and past the blast door which slides open. Robbie slowly walks in, eyes narrowed and with a Mauser pistol in his hand.
Robbie: Raveeeennnnn….Raveeeeennnn..I got a surprise for yoouuu..
Raven walks backwards to a gap between the containers and turns his head to Robbie, staring menacingly.
Robbie: You are one..ugly..motherfucker..
Robbie aims his pistol and fires rapidly at Raven. Raven growls and holds his arms to the face, the bullets hitting flesh, but stopping at muscle and causing minimal amounts of blood to flow. Robbie stops, and Raven lowers his arms, grinning.
Raven: Is that all?
Robbie: I forgot to bring my Nebelwarfer. Damn.
Raven turns his body and menacingly walks towards Robbie. As he walks out of the view of Will, he quickly snaps his eyes open and looks around.
Will: This is Poppa Bear calling Mother Raven, over.
Silence. Phil groans and his right leg twitches violently. Will looks around.
Will: How did the ugly guy get that dinosaur?
Suddenly, a bright red flash pierces his eyes and he screams, covering his face with his arms. Raging Raven, the Asian beauty characterized by her chestnut skin, deep brown eyes and flowing black hair, flops to the ground in front of Will, surprised.
Raven: ..Where am I? I was supposed to be buying weapons..
Ravens head snaps violently towards him, but her face turns from a vicious snarl into a bright grin.
They embrace lovingly and share a deep kiss. Phil lets out another groan and Raven looks back at him.
Raging Raven: Whats with Phil?
Will: Just crushed by a gigantic black Alaskan shaman.
Raging Raven: Need I ask?
Will grasps her hand and leads her to the corner of the container. They peer their heads around and watch Raven hold Robbie up against the blast door by his throat, grinning as Robbie keeps firing his Mauser at Ravens right shoulder.
Robbie: THE GERMAN TECHNOLOGY DOES NOTHING!!!
Raven shrugs and throws Robbie over his left shoulder, causing him to roll across the ground in a heap. Karab momentarily runs to the left of Raven, smashing against his right calf with his shield. Karab rebounds backwards, and Raven simply turns around, staring down at Karab.
Raven: You tickled me. YOU DIE PAINFULLY!!
Karab screams wildly and runs away, followed by Raven who breaks into a slow jog. The blast doors fly open and Bob walks in, cracking his knuckles.
Bob: I can do this. I can do this easily.
He turns his head to his right, noticing Lynchs unconscious form slumped against the corner. Bobs face pales.
Bob: There is no way in hell any of us can survive now.
Bob looks around, not seeing Raven, and slowly sneaks into the lower-left corner of the room, looking around and pulling a small piece of cardboard out from his back pocket, quickly unfolding it into a cardboard box and huddling under it.
Raging Raven: Nice to see everyones fighting.
Will: I fought, babe! I got that bastards arm and had him rolling around!
Raging Raven: I can see! You’re soooo brave and handsome..
Phil: ………Can I get some medical attention here?…..
Will: Fuck off, loser.
Phil raises his hand, weakly attempting to give Will the middle finger, but it falls uselessly to the ground.
Phil: No moving for Phil….
Will sighs and turns from the corner, sitting against the container and leaning back against it. Raging Raven gives a small growl and sits on his lap.
Raging Raven: Oooo..is that a gun?
Will: Nah, I’m just happy to see you..
They turn their heads to the right, watching Karab bolt down the coridoor, chased slowly by the jogging Vulcan Raven.
Raging Raven: Damn, he’s big!
The blast doors creak open again and Will turns his head around the corner: Dave walks in, throwing his ski mask to the floor and freeing his blonde hair, screaming ferally and pounding his chest.
Dave: I’M GONNA KILL SOMEONE TONIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!
Raven turns the corner at the back of the warehouse and twists around, facing Dave with his hands on his hips, raising his eyebrows.
Dave: …But NOT you!
Raven slowly breaks into a jog, ignoring Karab who runs behind him and out of sight, towards Dave. Dave simply stands there, dumbstruck.
Dave: This would sting a little, if it wasn’t for my secret weapon..
Dave pulls out a small, solid steel yarmulke/kippa cap and looks at it, blowing it off.
Dave: I’m gonna Torah the shit out of you.
Dave puts on his traditional Jewish headgear and lowers his head, screaming and charging at Raven, who brings into a run which makes the iced tiles smash beneath his feet.
Will: Babe, you might want to dive away.
Will and Raging Raven scream and dive to their right as Dave and Raven collide at their junction of the containers. Dave smashes Raven full-force in the chest with his kippa, causing Raven to slide backwards across the ice, choking wildly and holding his chest. The force of the blow throws Dave off his feet and onto his back, landing unconscious. Dean quickly runs to the passageway between the containers and grabs Dave, pulling him into the coridoor and near Raging Raven.
Dean: DAVE! DAVE! YOU GOT HIM! YOU HURT THE BEAST!
Dave: ..Rav? Is that you, my Rav?
Dean: He’s out of it.
Dean drops Dave to the floor, and Dave groans weakly. Dean turns to Will, but notices Raging Raven and scuttles back, screaming. Raging Raven chews her lower lip irritably as he does, her eyes almost glowing.
Will: stop screaming! It’s just my girl!
Dean stops screaming.
Dean: The fuck is she doing here?!
Will: Me no know, all I know is: I like the warmth on my lap.
Raging Raven gives a small, nearly evil smirk at Dean, who hits his head backwards off the container.
Dean: The mercenaries are dropping like flies, and fuck knows where Snake is!!
Will: There’s only a few of us who have been injured, dammit! ..The rest are just running or hiding, including me!
Dean: Yeah we-Where’s Phil?
Raging Raven, Will and Dean look down at the large cracked hole between them: Phil is no longer in the hole. Phil has, instead, chosen to crawl around the corner and heading north towards the door where the Underground Passage is, crawling slowly on his stomach.
Phil: If I could get there, I could run like a coward..
Phil keeps pulling himself along the freezing ice, but stops quickly.
Phil: I see..Claymore.
Phil raises his head slightly to see a grey box, erected on four spindly legs, just feet ahead of him.
Phil: I must not touch it..
The blast doors creak open once more and Sal runs in, screaming, waving his arms and running towards Phil. Phil rolls on his back and lifts his head.
Phil: But I underestimate the stupidity of my peers. SAL! DON’T FUCKING MOVE!!
Sal skids to a halt, stopping barely inches away from the soles of Phils feet
Phil: THERE’S A FUCKING MINE BEHIND MY HEAD YOU GODDAMN IDIOT!!
Sal looks down.
Sal scratches his bald head.
Sal: What am I supposed to do?
Phil: Get Vulcan Raven?
Sal spins around on his heel and marches down the passageway between the containers. Between the first and second container, Raven walks out into the passageway and robotically turns around, facing Sal and glaring evilly. Sal stops in his tracks.
Sal: Oh fuckity fuck.
Raven: Another kill? HOW PLEASANT!
Raven takes a step towards Sal, but the ever-persistent Robbie leaps from nowhere and latches his arms around Ravens neck, pulling out a small dagger with the “SS” logo stamped into the steel blade.
Robbie: When you go to hell, tell Himmler I pissed in his garden!
Robbie jams the dagger deep into Ravens right shoulder, causing him to emit a feral hiss. Robbie jams the blade left and right inside the wound, but Raven turns his head towards him.
Robbie: WHY WON’T YOU JUST DIE??!
Raven shrugs and head butts |Robbie, sending him collapsing to the ground. Raven cracks his knuckles and turns back to Sal.
Raven: Now for you.
Sal gets on his knees.
Sal: SPARE MY LIFE AND I SHALL PAY YOU IN RICHES BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS!
Raven: I have no need for gold.
Sal: You don’t? You’re a monster!!
Raven keeps walking towards Sal, but the blast doors creak open once again, and the stout, bearded form of Vincent LaMarr runs forward, pointing at Raven
Vince: Keep your hands off the humourless cunt!
Sal: FUCK YOU!
Raven turns to the side of both Vince and Sal, looking at both of them.
Vince: That’s what your mother said!
Sal: That makes no sense!
Vince: So does your face!
Sal: WHAT?! WHAT ARE YOU BLABBERING ABOUT??!!
From out of nowhere, Ahmed Johnson leaps down from the top of the container aboe Raven, tackling him down and standing up, pounding his bare, muscled chest.
Johnson: SUCK ON THAT!!!
Johnson disappears in a red haze, and Raven is downed, groaning and clutching his head. Vince looks at Sal, who looks back at Vince, both men grinning.
Both Sal and Vince hurtle forward towards Ravens downed form and jump high into the air before bringing both feet down onto Ravens huge gut. Raven lets out a wheezing cough as Vince and Sal begin to jump up and down roughly on him.
Sal: LETS HEAR THOSE INTESTINES EXPLODE!!
Raven lets out an irritated growl and grabs both of their legs, tripping them up and causing them to fall violently to the floor. Raven grasps both his hands to both their throats and hoists them up as he gets to his feet, staring at them.
Raven: I want Snake, not pathetic mercenaries. Where is the one you call Snake?
Vince: SO IS YOUR FACE!!
Ravens cocks an eyebrow.
Vince shrugs, and Raven simply tightens his grip.
Raven: TELL ME, NOW!
Sal: He’s up your ass!
Raven lets out an irritated yell, but a huge gunshot rings through the air, hitting against flesh. Raven winces in pain, dropping Sal and Vince to the floor, causing them to scuttle around the container to the upper-left of Raven. Raven digs around in hi left hand side, feeling a deep, ragged gunshot wound spraying hot blood against his palm. Raven turns his head to see the form of Billy, the rugged, scarred Scotsman, aiming at him with a Dragunov in his hands.
Billy: THAT’S RIGHT! SHOW ME YOUR EYES!
Raven quickly spins around, staring down at Phil who looks up, gulping.
Billy: I SAID SHOW ME YOUR EYES! HEY! YOU DEAF?!? SHOW ME YOUR FUCKING EYES!!
Raven turns and stomps towards Billy, purposefully swaying left and right.
Billy: YOU CUNT! STAND STILL!
Karab scrambles forward to where Dean, Will and Raging Raven are, sliding to Deans feet and watching as Raven stomps past their passage.
Karab: SAFE! I’M SAFE!
Karab raises his head and looks up at Raging Raven:
Karab: DOOMED! I’M DOOMED!
Raging Raven hisses at him and Karab screams, twirling around and smashing his head off the metal container, knocking himself unconscious. A giant crash echoes throughout the frozen warehouse and Will turns his head around the corner: Raven is embedded in the concrete wall and Billy is standing there, firing his Dragunov rapidly..except no bullets are being fired.
Billy: WHAT A TIME TO JAM YOU CHEAP PIECE OF RUSSIAN CRAP!!!
Billy frantically jams the slide back and forth, hoping it will somehow remove a bullet jam. He keeps doing it, even as Raven pushes himself free from the wall, dusting himself free from concrete debris and flecks of ice.
Billy: COME ON! COME ON!
A hot bullet quickly flies out, rattling on the floor. Billy grins and pushes the slide forward.
Billy: SEE YOU IN HE--
Before Billy can finish, Raven jolts forward and clotheslines Billy. A snap cracks the air like a whip and Billy does a backflip onto his stomach, collapsing unconscious on the floor. Will nods and turns back.
Will: There’s something like..five conscious mercenaries in this room now? Me, Raven and you, Dean..and the other two uglies..Beard guy and rich bitch.
Dean: Vince and Sal? Yeah. Their conscious.
They nod at each other, watching as Vince runs from the right of their container across to the left into the passage where Vulcan Raven is..followed by Vince running backwards.
Vince: WRONG TURN!
He quickly turns North and runs forward, away from them. The doors hiss and open once again, and this time Jericho steps into the room, somewhat reluctantly..obviously. Raven turns around and looks at him, only for Jericho to wave.
Jericho: You didn’t see me.
Jericho walks off to the left and lifts Bobs cardboard box, climbing under with him.
Bob: Nice fight, you bastard!
Jericho: Screw you! I’m not dying because of that giant bastard!
At long last, however, Snake appears: Jericho looks through the gap in the cardboard box, and watches as Snake quickly dives out from an enclave in the wall, running south past the passage between the containers where Will and his troupe are, and diving out, turning right.
Snake: I’m here to fuck your shit UP!
The sounds of Ravens heavy footsteps are heard, and Snake quickly leans down, pulling a large tubed launcher out from underneath it and slipping a missile into it, aiming it on his right shoulder.
Bob: Awesome, a Stinger missile!
Snake lowers the launcher and turns to Bob and Jerichos box.
Snake: Hey! A talking box!
Raven turns the corner and points at Snake.
Raven: I SEE YOU!!
Snake screams, running off while still carrying the launcher. Bob and Jericho sigh desperately as Raven chases after him.
Bob: We need a hero..
The blast doors hiss and shoot open: Bill walks out reluctantly.
Jericho: HE SAID A HERO!!!
The blast doors open again and Mr. Dibbley waddles out beside Bill.
Bill: Dibbley, I swear Frank cut those straws! How could we draw two short straws?!
Mr. Dibbley: It’s a conspiracy, chap…a conspiracy.
Mr. Dibbley and Bill look forward at the three rows of containers: Will, Raging Raven, Dean and Karab dive from behind the left container in the second row to the middle container. Vulcan Raven appears in the passage in front of them, strapping the gigantic drum-like magazine holding thousands of bullets onto his back. He cricks his neck leaning down and letting out a massive roar, lifting the Gatling Gun and turning towards Bill and Dibbley.
Mr. Dibbleys eye twitches and he reaches for his goggles, pulling them over his eyes.
Bill: Pingu, what are you doing to do?
Mr. Dibbley: If I don’t survive this insanely imbecilic kamikaze charge, do me a favour: Bury me at the North Pole.
Bill: …Ehh…that requires..work..
Mr. Dsibbley shrugs and screams wildly, diving onto his stomach and sliding towards Raven. Raven blinks bemusedly and steps to the side, only for Mr. Dibbley to hold out a flipper, slapping his shin weakly as he slides past. Raven lifts his leg and scratches his shin.
Mr. Dibbley: I GOT HIM! I WILL TURN AROUND AND ADVANCE AT HIS FLANK!
Mr. Dibbley spins around on his chubby belly and swings himself forward with his flippers, sliding towards Raven once more. Raven parts his legs and folds his arms, allowing Dibbley to slide straight through them.
Mr. Dibbley: CHEATING RASCAL!!!
Mr. Dibbley flops straight to Bills feet. Bill looks down at Dibbley, then up at Raven who, finding the mercenaries to be exhaustingly irritating, starts advancing towards him.
Bill: Dibbley, help. Dibbley, help. Dibbley, help. DIBBLEY! HELP! WHY ISN’T HE SHOOTING?! WHY ISN’T HE SHOOTING?!
Raven: It costs too much money to fire this gun for two seconds. It would be a waste to make mincemeat of you.
Dibbley: Bill! Shoot him!
Dibbley: SHOOT HIM WITH YOUR GUN, FOOL!!
Bill: MY GUN!!
Bill reaches into his holster, pulling out his SOCOM Mk. 23 pistol and aiming it at Vulcan Raven. However, Raging Raven herself stomps out from the left of the container behind Raven, tapping his shoulder.
Bill: Turn around.
Vulcan Raven turns around. Raging Raven marches forward and smashes a violent elbow into Ravens right jaw. Raven spits out a glob of blood onto the floor messily, recoiling in surprise. Sal and Vince both sit up instantly, the sight of Raven spilling blood rejuvenating them.
Sal: Methinks the Empire is only human.
Vince turns to him.
Vince: Sal, man, you have got to stop taking the Jinnah shit to heart.
Both men jump to their feet.
Vince: Scissor attack?
Sal: We shall die heroic deaths!
Vince: YOU will!
Sal: Thanks, asshole!
Sal slaps Vince on the cheek, only for Vince to bow his head, followed by a quick slap to Sals stomach. Sal burps in Vinces face, and Vince screams violently, tackling Sal to the floor. Raging Raven growls darkly at them, turning to the recoiling Raven and kneeing him in the side of the temple, sandwiching him between nimble bone and metal container.
Bill: SPILL HIS BLOOD!!
Raging Raven shoots a violent stare at Bill, causing his clothes to spontaneously combust. He screams, tearing off his khaki fatigues to reveal a repairmans overall.
Dibbley: What in the mother of--
Bill: That’s right….I’m the Repairman, bitch!
Bill pulls a hammer from his rear belt, screaming unintelligibly and hurtling towards Vulcan Raven. He turns his head just in time for Bill to run past him, slamming the claw of his hammer into his cheek, impaling straight through it and causing blood to flow. Raven lets out a muffled scream, grasping at the wooden handle. Bill spins around as Raven pulls it out of his cheek, pushing Raging Raven aside.
Bill: This might hurt, actually.
Raven slams the hammer into Bills gut and he screams wildly, looking up. Raven responds by smashing the hammer upwards into Bills jaw, causing a tooth to shoot up his nasal cavity and dangle from his nostril bloodily as he falls backwards onto the floor.
Dibbley: Useless wanker.
Mr. Dibbley sighs, sliding forward once more. Raging Raven grabs Vulcan Raven by his throat, pushing him backwards into the container. Dibbley swerves towards both of them, but instead he crashes into Raging Ravens feet. Raging Raven yells in frustration, hopping over Dibbley. Vulcan Raven grasps the Emperor Penguin by his flippers and lifts him, holding him upside down.
DibbleY: DO YOUR WORST, BRAGGART!!
Raven shrugs and slams him into the container, knocking him unconscious and throwing his form at Raging Raven, who ducks. Sal and Vince, who are on their feet, both stand up, shaking hands.
Sal: Sorry about biting your hand.
Vince: Sorry for stealing your gold tooth.
Vince holds it up and winks. Both men turn around, though, and watch as Mr. Dibbley smashes into both of them, knocking them unconscious. Raging Raven slams Vulcan Ravens head into the container once more, but he simply pushes her away, sending her tumbling backwards. She turns her head to the left, staring at Will.
Raging Raven: Why didn’t I bring my grenade launcher?!
Will pulls his assault rifle from his body, throwing it to Raging Raven who catches it, aiming at Raven. Raging Raven goes to squeeze the trigger but she stops..tossing the weapon aside.
Dean: ARE YOU WAITING FOR CHRISTMAS?!
Raging Raven: See you soon, honey..
Will: NO! HELL NO!
She disappears in a shower of red sparks. Will, Dean and Karab hit their heads off the container desperately.
Karab: Okay, I’m afraid.
Dave: I…mah Torah..
Dean: We’re all afraid.
Snake runs across the bottom of the warehouse, skidding towards the center passage between containers, pointing at Raven with his Stinger.
Snake: SAY CHEESE!!
Snake pulls the trigger, and Raven quickly huddles the container, allowing the rocket to fly past him, spiraling and hitting a top container on the left hand side, knocking it askew. Snake curses loudly, slamming the rear of the Stinger into the floor, pulling a rocket from his rear pocket and slipping it into the barrel. Vulcan Raven reaches him, but Snake quickly slams the barrel of the Stinger into Ravens jaw. Raven winces, turning his head to Snake and wiping the two holes gouged into his cheek free from blood.
Snake: You are one awkward motherfucker.
Raven slams the barrel of his Gatling Gun into Snakes gut, causing him to double over. Raven keeps a tight grasp of the gun in his left hand, using his right hand to latch around Snakes throat and hold him up high.
Raven: NOW YOU DIE!
The blast door hisses open and Raven lets go of Snake, turning around: Obese Maurice and Moe the Midget run in. Moe leaps forward and grabs Ravens left leg, while Maurice bellows, pounding the flab on his chest and hurtling towards Raven, slamming against him with all his girth and sending him skidding across the ice. Moe quickly pulls back, and Raven is knocked off his feet!
Moe: SUCK THAT ONE!
Moe rolls backwards, off of Ravens leg and runs at Maurice, diving into his arms. Maurice lifts Moe onto his shoulder and into his right hand, aiming him like a javelin.
Maurice: Let’s do this.
As Raven gets onto one knee, Maurice hurtles him like a javelin at Ravens face. Moe latches onto Ravens face, but Raven stares at him, growling ferally.
Moe: HELP! MAURICE!
Maurice runs at Raven, but Raven sidesteps and trips Maurice, using his momentum against him and sending him slamming against the concrete wall, knocking him unconscious. Raven grasps Moe, prying him from his face and throwing him over his shoulder, causing him to slam violently against the wall and onto Maurices stomach, unconscious.
Raven: Now..for the fun,.
However, the blast doors hiss and open once more, and Frank walks in, hands on his hips.
Frank: YO IT’S ME! IT’S ME! IT’S THE DRUNKIE!
Raven turns to Frank, snarling. Frank screams and turns around, pounding the blast doors.
Frank: SAVE ME! PROTECT YOUR LEADER!
Frank tries to pry them open, but Brick keeps a tight grip on them.
Frank: FUCK YOU BRICK! FUCK YOU!
As Frank tugs at the door, a rough hand slams over his, crushing it against the door. Frank yelps in pain, but turns his head to see Coach Lynch, conscious and reinvigorated.
Lynch: You’re going nowhere, cocksucker.
Both men turn their heads to Raven, who gives a cocky grin at them.
Lynch: Excuse me, I’ve got a giant black shit to flush.
Frank: Sounds painful.
Lynch: I expect it to be.
Lynch turns to Raven, cracking his knuckles noisily.
Lynch: Ready for round two, you giant pile of crap?
Raven: I am not interested in filthy mercenaries only fighting for money. I AM INTERESTED ONLY IN SNAKE!!!!
Frank: Hang on a second, aren’t you a mercenary?
Raven opens his mouth, but stops, stroking his chin and thinking to himself. As he stands there, thinking, Robbie jumps down on him from the top of the nearest container, latching around his neck, using his knees on the drum magazine to keep a tight grip and balance.
Robbie: FORGOT ME?! I’M A TENACIOUS BASTARD!!!
Lynch uses this distraction to rush forward, slamming both his fists into Ravens gut. Raven doubles over, which sends Robbie over his shoulder. Robbie looks up at the Gatling Gun overshadowing him.
Robbie: I WANT THAT!!
The small bundle in his breast pocket sneezes, and he leans his head up.
Raven looks down at Robbie, growling ferally, only for Lynch to slam a forearm into the left side of his jaw. Raven grunts, recoiling backwards, only to shove Lynch forward. Lynch grunts, rolling backwards and slamming against the western wall. He rubs his head and looks to his right into the corner at the cardboard box.
Lynch: Whose the two cowardly fucks?
Jericho: Me too. Join us! We have coffee!
Lynch pulls himself up by a set of three pipes on the wall, slamming his foot onto the box. Jericho yells out, and Lynch smirks. Frank runs past Lynch, hiding behind the southwestern container near Lynch. Frank turns his head to him, waving.
Lynch rubs his eyes, walking behind the container as well.
Lynch: Nothings working. Nothing at all.
The door hisses and shoots open once again: That Other Random Guy steps out, jumping up and down.
That Other Random Guy: HERE I COOOOOOOOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That Other Random Guy walks forward towards Raven, slapping his left cheek. Raven stares down at him, offended by his audacity.
Raven: You slap ME?!
That Other Random Guy: Yes. I have no braincells.
That Other Random Guy responds by pulling a small lead pipe from his pocket and smashing Raven in the back of his right leg with it. As he does, the door flies open a final time and the final mercenary walks out: Brick Schmicker. Unlike That Other Random Guy, Brick takes one look at Raven and shakes his head.
Brick: Oh man, fuck this.
Brick turns left and walks forward, going behind Lynch and Franks container and standing there, folding his arms.
Brick: I did not sign up to fight giant black magic thingies
Brick: I DON’T WANNA DIE!!
Sal: Is there any food?
Lynch turns his head: Sal and Vince are standing there, each grasping one of Mr. Dibbleys flippers.
Lynch: This is too much..
Wills Voice: SMASH HIM GOOD, *BEEP*!
They turn their heads to the left, watching as That Other Random Guy slides into their view, the lead pipe shoved in his mouth.
That Other Random Guy: OUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHH!!!
Frank: JESUS CHRIST! *BEEP!
Wills Voice: NICE GOING, YOU FUCKING FAILURE!!
Snake runs at Vulcan Raven from behind, slamming the barrel into the back of his head. Raven clutches the back of his head, groaning loudly and turning around. Phil scuttles down the middle passage of crates, diving forward and slamming both his arms into the back of Ravens left leg. Raven falls onto one knee, getting noticeably more tired now. Snake raises the Stinger high.
Snake: Say goodnight, douchebag.
Raven looks up, simply slamming a giant fist into Snakes crotch. Snakes eyes widen.
Snake collapses backwards, and Raven spins around on his knees, getting to his feet and raising his Gatling Gun high before bringing it down and smashing it onto Phils head. Phil gasps, his head smashing off the iced floor as it does.
Raven raises his Gatling gun high, but a giant creaking sound fills the air, and the mercenaries look around.
Will: What the fuck?
Karab: THIS IS BAD!!
Billy looks down from the top of his container at Raven, but upon hearing the creaking sound starts to look around.
Billy: …This shit is too weird.
Obese Maurice crawls behind the container with Lynch, Sal, Vince, Frank and Brick, looking up at them.
Maurice: Lads…it comes from the Underground Passage thingy….It’s…
Moe: It’s HORRIBLE!!
Phil: WHOSE THERE?! SNAKE?!?!? HELP!!
Raven turns his head to his right, glancing down the coridoor. Phil takes this opportunity to scuttle on his hands and feet, sliding down the row and quickly doing an awkward roll to the left behind the metal container. Frank grabs his shoulders and pulls him back. Phil pats his hand and looks back at him.
Phil: FRANK! Jesus Christ, I heard some weird creaking shit..
Maurice: We all did, lad!
Frank: You do know a certain event happened one week ago, right?
Phil: Yeah, Hallowe---NO! NO FUCKING WAY!
Brick: That’s right, fella..
Billy looks down at them from the top container on their row.
Billy: Lads…It better not be what I think it is..
Voice: ITS BANANA TIME!!
Raven: What the hell?!
Phil: ….NOOOOO!!!!!! It’s the Man in the Banana Suit!!
Sal: The man returneth, even after we saw him explode.
Sal turns his head to the viewer and cocks an eyebrow.
Sal: How could this have happened? How?
Vince: Only one way: Juju. I saw it once on National Geographic. Loads of naked Haitian women dancing around a dead corpse and bring it back to life.
Will scuttles behind their container from nowhere.
Will: I heard the words ‘naked Haitian woman’. Can I join?
Sal: The boy sure is dumb.
Lynch: SHUT UP! YOU’RE NOT IN A MONOLOGUE NOW!!
Sal turns to the viewer.
Sal: Little does Lynch know that I am, in fact, in monologue mo--
Lynch slams Sals head against the container, knocking him unconscious.
Lynch: Alright, that shut one fucking asshole up.
The Man in the Banana Suit: I’MMA CRUSH YOU GIANT MAN!!
Phil: I never thought I’d be this pleased to see The Man in the Banana Suit!
Frank: Me neither!
Lynch: Where is he?
They turn their heads to the North, watching as Bill flies past them and into the southern wall, smashing into it and causing a giant crack to carve into the cement. Bill slowly slides down the wall, groaning and raising his right hand feebly.
Frank: at least we know whose ancestors shot Abraham Lincoln.
They all turn to Bill.
The stomping and creaking gets louder to their ears.
The Man in the Banana Suit: YOU SHUT YER PIEHOLE BRUTHA!! WE TALK ABOUT THE FREEBIRD LATER AFTER I MESS WITH THIS GIANT FOREIGN THINGY!!
Phil: Don’t you mean Vulcan Raven?
The creaking stops nearby, before it begins again. They look to their right, and The Man in the Banana Suit stomps into their view before turning left, facing down upon them and causing a giant scream to pierce the air. As before, he is wearing vivid yellow armor, a green helmet, and a yellow gas tank with a green flamethrower nozzle tied to it. He snorts out, staring down at them. Notably, there are several black stains covering his armor.
Frank: ..Mr…Banana Man…Are you mad at us for……killing..or, well, trying..to kill you?
The Man in the Banana Suit: SHUT YER MOUTH!!
The Man in the Banana Suit creaks, walking past them with little emotion before turning left to Raven and pounding his chest plate. Raven runs at him, but The Man in the Banana Suit grasps Ravens arms, shoving him backwards. Raven stumbles back slightly, before running forward and shoving him. The Man in the Banana Suit growls and hit’s a ferocious haymaker into the side of Ravens head, causing him to scream in pain and causing the mercenaries to cheer. At the back of the warehouse, Snake peers around a container at the spectacle, readying a missile into his Stinger launcher.
Will: BEAT HIM DOWN!!
The Man in the Banana Suit starts throwing ferocious punches into Ravens gut, causing him to stumble backwards. Raven stumbles forward in a slight fit of momentum and grasps The Man in the Banana Suits gas canister, but the Man in the Banana Suit simply shakes his head and head butts Raven violently.
Sal: DAMN! HE JUST SMASHED THAT FOOL!
Billy: COME ON! SMASH THE MAN!
Karabs Voice: VIOLENCE!
The Man in the Banana Suit advances on Raven, grabbing under his arms and throwing him to the side against the container, propping him up there and raining several fists into his chest. Raven keeps groaning in pain, feebly slapping the Man in the Banana Suits helmet, but he simply retaliates by letting off another ferocious head butt.
Phil watches, pulling out a purple packet and opening them. Lynch glares at him.
Lynch: We’re in the middle of a crucial battle and YOU’RE EATING MONSTER MUNCH?!?!?
Phil: Ain’t had Monster Munch in a while.
Lynch sighs, running his hand across his face. The Man in the Banana Suit shoves Raven parallel to the blast doors and runs at Raven, smashing his chest against his. Raven stumbles backwards slightly, but quickly stands up straight, screaming and pounding his chest before hitting a vicious right hook to the side of the helmet. The Man in the Banana Suits head snaps to the right and he stays there for a few seconds..until he snaps his head back straight and growls. Raven responds by grasping his Gatling Gun, turning, and swinging it at his gut. Despite a vicious ringing sound piercing the air, the Man in the Banana Suit shakes it off, growling at him.
Bill: KILL HIM FOR THE SOUTH, BRUTHA!!
The Man in the Banana Suit lets out a rabid cry and punches Raven again. Blood spills from Ravens mouth and he stumbles backwards against the door back towards the elevator from which the mercenaries came. He slowly looks up at the Man in the Banana Suit.
Raven: ..WHAT BEAST?!?
The Man in the Banana Suit throws a ferocious chop into the side of Ravens neck, causing him to groan in agony. He steps back, but Raven jolts forward, wrapping his thick hands around his neck. The Man in the Banana Suit coughs slightly, but raises his arms and brings them down roughly on Ravens elbows, causing him to relinquish the hold. Raven cries out and The Man in the Banana Suit launches a vicious kick, causing Raven to slam against the blast doors and into his drum magazine. The Man in the Banana Suit slowly steps backwards, pulling the green flamethrower nozzle from his back and aiming it at Raven.
The Man in the Banana Suit: SEE Y’ALL IN HELL!!
Just as the Man in the Banana Suit raises his flamethrower, a Spartan runs out from behind him and hurls his spear at Raven, skewering him through the left shoulder. Raven cries out and removes the spear as the Spartan vanishes.
Vince: …I tought I taw a Tartan.
Sal: Don’t start with the Tweety Pie speak!
Snake slowly walks forward from behind The Man in the Banana Suit, aiming his Stinger down at Raven. The Man in the Banana Suit stares at Snake before stepping aside.
Snake: Time to…fry this chicken.
The Who - Won’t Get Fooled Again: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Snake lowers the Stinger from his right shoulder and looks around.
Snake: What the FUCK?!
The Man in the Banana Suit: I HEAR SPEECH THINGIES!!
Lynch: Just fire the damn rocket.
Snake turns to Lynch and nods, raising the Stinger onto his shoulder and grasping the trigger tightly. Raven raises his head.
Snake pulls the trigger and a Stinger missile hisses violently, speeding towards Raven and hitting his chest, exploding violently. Shards of shrapnel pierce the chest of Raven and he lets out a violent yell, collapsing backwards against the door, the Gatling Gun slipping from his shoulders and hitting the ground with a violent thud. The bloodied, torn-up form of Raven leans against the drum of his gun, breathing heavily.
Snake: about damn time.
Robbie: Fucking show-off.
Bob throws the cardboard box off of himself, revealing himself and Jericho.
Bob: Well..it’s over.
Phil: It never even began for you!
The mercenaries huddle around Raven, whose chest is pulsating in and out, covered in scraps of his own flesh and blood.
Raven: ..Just as the Boss said…It is my existence which is no longer needed..in this world..
Snake walks over to him, and Vince and Bill part. The mercenaries keep watching as a raven flutters down from the rafters and lands on Ravens massive shoulder.
Raven: But….my body will not remain in this place.
Will: Say wha--
Billy: Shut it, pussy!
Raven: ..My spirit AND my flesh will become one with the ravens..In that way, I will return to Mother Earth who bore me..
Snake watches intently as Ravens chest moves in and out weakly. Lynch slaps a hand on Ravens shoulder, but he shrugs it off.
Raven: SNAKE! I will be watching you!..Understand?
Raven: Snake..take this security card..It will open that door..
Raven rifles through the pocket of his khaki pants and pulls out a transparent glass-like key card, handing it to Snake who takes it.
Frank: What do we get?
Raven: I have nothing of earthly value to give to you common mercenaries..
Sal: Common? We’re not common!
Karab hums as he wipes his shield free from blood, while Mr. Dibbley cleans his flippers with his beak.
Raven looks up and Snake taps the card.
Raven: You are a Snake which was not created by nature..You and the Boss..you are from another world..A world that I do not wish to know…Go and do battle with him..I will be watching from above. First..I’ll give you a hint…The man you saw die before your eyes..That was not the DARPA Chief.
Silence. Everyone looks at Frank.
Frank: SEE?! I DIDN’T KILL THE DARPA CHIEF!! I AM GREAT AFTER ALL!!
Lynch: You still killed the first character of the game through negligence..so shut your whore mouth.
Frank: Fuck you, rich boy!
That Other Random Guy: Well fuck you, you drunken cunt!
Will: Guys! You’re all equally detestable!
Snake: SHUT UP YOU ASSHOLES!!! Raven?
Raven: It was Decoy Octopus..a member of FOXHOUND..He was a master of disguise. He copied his subjects down to the blood..So he drained the Chiefs blood and took it into himself.
Dean: AWWW SICK!!
Robbie: But interesting. Very interesting.
Maurice: Ah..sick though.
Raven: ..but he was not able to deceive the Angel of Death.
Robbie: …aaaaaaand it’s useless again.
Snake: The Angel of Death? But why go to so much trouble? Why impersonate the Chief?
Raven lets out a small, breathing, feeble laugh.
Raven: …That is the end of my hint. You must solve the end of the riddle yourself.
As Raven utters these ominous words, a flock of ravens descend from the frozen pipes and light fixtures around the ceiling.
Raven: Snake…In the natural world, there is no such thing as boundless slaughter..
The ravens descend upon him, pecking away at his flesh violently. Sal twitches and Moe vomits onto the floor. Brick collapses backwards and Frank stands there, wincing.
Frank: ..That’s nasty shit right there..
A scrap of flesh hits Dean in the eye and he groans, wiping it away from him and letting it fall messily onto the ground.
That Other Random Guy looks around, leaning down and grabbing the piece of flesh, slipping it into his pocket.
Jericho: What the fuck are you doing?!
That Other Random Guy: Hehe, souveneir!
Jericho shakes his head and throws a quick left jab, knocking That Other Random Guy backwards onto the floor, unconscious.
Raven: …There is always an end to it…But you..are different…
As Raven speaks and the mercenaries watch, Snake shakes his head and starts to walk away from Raven towards the doors which hold entrance towards the Underground Passage and REX.
Snake: What are you trying to say?
Raven: The path you walk on..has no end..Each step you take is paved with the corpses of your enemies..Their souls will haunt you forever..
Raven audibly groans as the ravens pecks get more ravenous. Karab,. Dean, Vince and Sal are covering their eyes, while Dave and Robbie watch, unphased by such a violent feast. Phil, Bob, Will, Frank, Moe, Mr. Dibbley and Maurice are all wandering around restlessly, their stomachs churning. Moe coughs and vomits again when he turns to take a final look at Raven.
Maurice: Ow, little lad, better in than out, no matter what they say ‘ey?
Raven: …You shall have no peace..HEAR ME SNAKE!!! My spirit..will be watching..you..
The raven flock flies away, and Vulcan Raven is more than a pile of blood and liquid sinew strewn across the icy floor and his Gatling Gun. Snake turns around, looking at the gory spectacle and narrows his eyes, before getting on one knee and pressing two fingers to his ear to answer a codec call.
Frank: …This is it. The final member of FOXHOUND has fallen--
Lynch: WRONG! We still have Liquid Snake to fight.
Mr. Dibbley: Oh, for joy.
The Spartan reappears again, running past the mercenaries with his spear raised before disappearing.
Vince: What the fuck?
The Spartan reappears where he disappeared, taking his helmet off to reveal the bald head and grey beard of Kurt Angle.
Angle: Hello losers.
Silence. Angle raises his spear high into the air.
Angle disappears in a flash of red, white and blue.
Frank: I could murder for some of Dicks own brew right now.
Maurice: Oh aye, same here laddy.
Phil: Oh yes!
Dean: I’d love some!
A silence descends across the mercenaries as Snake walks by, with perhaps a hint of recollection and regret in his steps. He stops in front of the blast door, waves the level 7 key card in front of it, and the doors slide open, allowing him passage. As the doors shut, the mercenaries look around at each other.
Lynch: We are so close to this being over. So, so close.
Sal: Part of me doesn’t want it to end..
Sal: Only kidding, I WANNA GO HOOOOOOOOOOME AND HAVE CHRIIIIIIIIIIISTMAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!
A loud cheer erupts from the mercenaries, only to be broken by a shrill whistle from Lynch.
Lynch: ASSHOLES!!!!!!!!! ..Let’s get this done with.
The mercenaries raise their fists to the air and chant a violent “HOO-AH!!” to the sky, strapping their assault rifles to their backs and turning to the door. As Lynch steps forward, Frank stops.
Frank: Hang on, what happened to the Man in the Banana Suit?
The mercenaries look around, eerie music filling the air.
Lynch: Just walk through the fucking door.
Sal: That is an ecumenical conundrum.
Sal turns to the viewer, raising an eyebrow.
Sal: What happened to the Man in the Banana Suit? What?
Vince slaps the back of Sals head and points at the door.
Vince: DOOR! NOW!
Sal points upwards.
Maurice points at a frozen pipe against the wall.
Bill points at a container.
Bill: Shipping container.
Lynch spins around, aiming down the iron sights of his assault rifle at the mercenaries.
Lynch: GUN ABOUT TO FIRED!!
The mercenaries gulp and Lynch spins around, firing several rounds at the control panel. Several sparks shoot out at Bill who screams, patting his face: The stubble has gone.
Bill: I’M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!
Bill sobs wildly.
Will: Move it, ugly!
Robbie kicks Bill in his rear and he stumbles forward. The mercenaries sigh and follow Lynch through the door. What beckons them is a tiny coridoor, which widens after the door, but narrows into a passage just four floor tiles across after a few feet., and is constructed from little more than cement, the narrow coridoor not even having the pleasure of lights erected on the walls. The mercenaries arrange into a line three rows along and start to walk forward with Lynch at the helm. After a few steps, a large click is heard and two of the tiles part. Lynch screams and falls, grasping onto the end of the trapdoor.
Russian Voice: TO ZE VESCUE!!!!!!!!!
Heroic music plays as a rope descends from the ceiling and the bald, scarred face of Crazy Ivan re-appears once again, sliding down the rope and in front of the mercenaries. He throws his head back, puffs his chest out and stands tall with his hands on his hips, showing crossed-belts of dynamite sticks and frag grenades, as well as a new ammo belt consisting of little more than several plastic squares of C4 explosive.
Ivan: As zey say in Vussia..HERE COMES ZE BOOM!!
Jericho: CRAZY!!! GOOD TO SEE YOU!!!
Dean: Sweet! And we haven’t been blow up! Even better!
Lynch: ASSHOLE!! HELP ME!!
Ivan spins around excitedly, leaning down and grasping Lynch’s right forearm, hoisting him onto his knees and quickly onto his feet. Lynch dusts himself and nods.
Lynch: Thanks, you crazy fucker.
Ivan: No problem…NOW! Follow me! Ve have a crazy bastard to stop!
Lynch: So, what’s it like? Big?
Ivan: Very big. Come, follow me. Stay to the edges of the walls though.
Each of the mercenaries trade looks, but quickly flatten their backs against both walls, inching across them. Ivan hums pleasantly as he walks across one of the trapdoors, giving a large leap over it as it clicks and falls open.
Lynch: Cocky asshole..
After a short walk, the mercenaries quickly reform into a huddle, only to look around and see the stuff of nightmares:
Gun cameras were plastered EVERYWHERE in this concrete room, and to make matters worse? There was but
Ivan simply grins, nodding.
Sal: WALL OF ANGRY CAMERAS!!
Ivan: Hold! Hold!
Ivan raises a hand as the gun turrets of each camera spin towards them. Ivan simply laughs and pats his groin roughly.
Ivan: …I thought ze detonator was down here..
Bill: You keep a detonator down your PANTS?!?!
Ivan: Yes. Problem?
Vince: You truly are insane!!
Sal whines sadly. Dave pats his back.
Dave: Its alright..You’ll be more than fazy one day.
Sal: I AM NOT FAKE CRAZY DAMMIT!!
The gun turrets start to make the sound of bullets being loaded into chambers. The mercenaries gulp.
Bob: DO SOMETHING!!
Ivan raises a finger, a light bulb appearing above his head.
Ivan slaps the inside of his left thigh.
Ivan: I suggest you all take cover right..about…now.
The mercenaries scream and dive backwards as the concrete walls explode in a show of light, flame and flying chunks of burning plastic and brass. The walls explode in different chains, and several chunks of burnt concrete also smash off the catwalk. After a matter of seconds, the explosions stop, and Ivan stands up.
Ivan: VE SURVIVED!!! Except zere is bullets in those cameras, so I suggest everyone keeps down.
Ivan dives to the ground once more, and the mercenaries huddle into tighter balls as the heat from the explosions combine with the propellent in the brass bullets: The few that showered the catwalks start exploding into crackles of gunfire, chips of plaster and cement showering over the mercenaries. Karab screams, pulling his shield over himself. Phil, Moe, Dean and Vince burrow under Maurice.
That Other Random Guy: THIS IS INSANITY!!
Lynch: THIS IS WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE A SOLDIER, YOU SPINELESS FUCKS!!! GET USED TO IT!!
The bullets keep crackling, and a chunk of plaster hits Bill on the head. He cries out, covering himself more with his arms. Dave raises his head, only for a bullet to scratch his cheek.
Narrator: When muscle failed..they turned to magic.
The mercenaries raise their heads slightly.
Lynch: That was not a line from Three Hundred, was it?! WAS IT?!
A piece of copper shrapnel hits Billy in his leg, and he growls, teeth bared.
Narrator: One hundred nations descend upon us, the armies of all Asia.
Lynch: SHUT UP!!!
After a few more seconds, the crackles stop, the only sound coming from chunks of plaster and concrete lazily chipping from the walls and crumbling to the catwalk and floor. The mercenaries quickly stand up, strapping their weapons to their back. Lynch walks in front of them, looking at the blackened and chipped walls.
He swipes his hand to the right and turns the corner. The mercenaries follow him to the end of the short catwalk at the edge of the southern wall before turning left: Two sets of concrete stairs rise up, bridging over a river of nuclear waste. As they walk up, Vince looks over the metal railing, spitting into the river of waste.
Maurice looks down at the river of waste, and sees the skull of a horse-like creature, covered in scraps of orange flesh, float down the river with a look of terror on its face. Maurices eyes narrow.
Maurice: I ain’t heard the last of ya…Phall Monster.
Phil: I wish he was here..He tasted gorgeous!
Dave: Yeah, but who killed him? ME!!
Frank: IT WAS MY BITTER DAMMIT!!
Bob: Keep crying, rummy.
At the top of the second set of stairs, Lynch leads them left: A lone metal door stands embedded in the wall. An ominous signal to what lies beyond. Lynch goes towards it, but stops suddenly. So do the mercenaries.
Ivan: Vat is vong?
Lynch: …This is it. The final push. Are we all ready?
Billy: You’re asking? Seriously?
Lynch: You better all be. We’ve got this far, and it’s almost over. We’ve fought the worst creatures a messed up space-time continuum could throw at us..and we’re about to end one chapter here..One stinking chapter..
Frank: So we complete this, and we’ll go through the next tasks. Easy.
Behind him, the mercenaries shake their heads. Frank turns around, and they quickly start nodding sarcastically.
Frank: See? You have the support of an army!
The door shoots open and Snake stomps past them, cursing loudly to himself. The mercenaries watch as he does.
Phil: That’s never a good sign.
Bill: Of course not.
Mr. Dibbley: Indeed.
Mr. Moneypennies: I don’t wanna die, man!
Lynch: ONWARDS DAMMIT! WE OUTNUMBER THAT PUSSY! TWENTY TWO MERCENARIES TO ONE ROBOT! I LIKE THOSE ODDS!
Mercenaries: OO-AH!! OO-AH!!
Sal: Semper Fi!
Silence. Jericho slaps Sal around the back of his head.
Jericho: Cut the yankee crap, son.
Bill: CONFEDERACY YEAAAHHHH!!
Lynch lets out a loud roar and shoots the control panel of the metal door, grasping it violently and pulling it open as it gives a feeble hiss. The mercenaries give off their own battle cry and follow Lynch through the door: A tiny coridoor with cement walls and ceilings encase them as they make their way across a metal-gridded path..but ahead of them lies something. A red light stands above the other doorway of the coridoor opposite them, and they continue forward. As they surface into this gigantic warehouse, the mercenaries draw their gaze upwards..
The machine has two stubby feet, attached to two large beams of metal which resemble bent knees, as if the robot is squatting. It is clear by the welding, which forms the two large beams of metal onto “knees” which, judging by several panels, hold several launchers of some description, that this is meant to be the robots natural shape, and the legs are heavily armor-plated. The two “legs” are connected, via two giant circular wheels of metal allowing superior mobility, to a large cube of metal, embedded in which looks to be a device for delivering a laser beam. From this cube is connected a flat T-shaped chunk of metal, facing outwards and down at the mercenaries. On the left and right of the jutting-out metal are several obscured disc-like formations, the two larger ones of which appear to be the same Vulcan cannons Vulcan Raven attempted to use against them, resembling eyes. The main piece that is jutting out, resembling an oversized “Beak”-like structure, is the cockpit, hanging lazily before them. Behind the cockpit are series of metal constructions attached to the legs of REX to form a main body of REX, designed to hold the cockpit steady, as well as its two major features: On REXs left shoulder sits a railgun, hanging out above the mercenaries ominously, which is meant as the main delivery system of the nuclear weapons, while on the right shoulder sits a giant circular construction: A Radome, designed to easily scan the environment and increase the accuracy of weapons without the pilot having to reveal the cockpit to gain a view of the battlefield and thus endanger himself.
The overall appearance of a Tyrannosaurus Rex, as well as its ominous weaponry and surroundings of catwalks and ladders mis-matched and skewed across the giant warehouse, cause the mercenaries to emit a large gulp.
Frank: Wow…..Metal Gear..
The mercenaries all look up, gasping. Sal squeaks.
Lynch: Nervous, Sal?
Bill: He must be, I can smell it.
That Other Random Guy slaps Sals arms.
That Other Random Guy: DAMN! PUT A CORK IN IT!
An odd silence floats in the air. Lynch is busy staring up at REX, and he gives a deep, nervous swallow.
Lynch: …This is it. We’re almost at the end.
Phil: Yeah….can we stop looking? My neck hurts.
Lynch: I guess..
Frank: But..it looks so pretty..
The mercenaries lower their heads, except for Phil. Lynch turns to them, sees Phil and growls.
Lynch: NOLASTNAME! The hell are you doing?!
Phil: Cramp. CRAMP! CRAMP! CRAAAAMP!!
Phil screams and runs forward, hitting his head off one of the platforms and snapping his head further backwards. He collapses onto his back but sits up quickly, shaking his head.
Phil: Hey, it worked! …And there’s a dead body in here.
The mercenaries walk beside Phil and look into a circular moat of green water surrounding the platform that REX stands upon. A body, half-rotten with skin flaking off, eyesockets empty and hair slowly pulling away, floats lazily along.
Bob: Awww..that’s sick..
Will looks around and grabs a loose metal pole from one of the walls, walking over to them and poking the body. It lazily floats across the green pool and Will throws the pole into the water.
Will: That’s nasty.
Frank: Why did you poke it?
Will: Always poke a body to make sure its dead, just cause it’s ugly don’t mean it’s dead..You guys are proof of that.
Frank pulls his fist back but Lynch, still staring upwards, raises a hand.
Lynch: Calm men.
The mercenaries keep their heads raised, taking in the gargantuan robot.
Lynch: This is it, men. Get ready.
Frank: Is that Steve hugging the railgun?
The mercenaries raise their heads, looking up at REX.
Mercenaries: Ah shit.
Coming Soon: Chapter XV
The Penultimate Episode! With Snake unwittingly acting as the pawn to activate Metal Gear REX, the mercenaries grill Ocelot and Liquid Snake for information, and paycheques! As REX goes online, can the mercenaries can escape? Can Snake defeat REX? Will the mercenaries help? How much screaming will be involved? Tune in soon to witness a Hanging Gasman, Humanos Mexicanos, A huge payday and exploding heads!