Friday, 5 December 2008

The Ultimate Showdown of Somesorta Destiny

A time comes in every persons life, when they have to prove they are better. Ironically, people choose violence rather than words.

When it comes to the Parody stories, everyone fights. Steve fights, Phil fights, Samoe Joe fights, AJ Styles fights, Tom Morello fights..All to prove they are the best character group.

But what would happen if they all met in one place and decided to settle it once and for all?

Settle into your chair, grab a drink, and get ready for rape, hugs of dewm, suicidal grenade men, brass knuckles, towel racks, wet towel snaps, broken necks, alcohol, That Hispanic Guy, moronic mercenaries and killer but very sexy and erotic robots.

--

It was an ordinary day off for the mercenaries. Still clothed in their Middle-Eastern garb, they walked into an alleyway eating vanilla ice-creams. Frank, Steve, Phil, Dave, Bob, Brick, Will, Sal, Vince, Dean, Bill, Jim and Billy walked out without a care in the world.

Phil: You know..this sunny weather..this is why being in 2014 is so much better!

They duck as an unmanned flying unit dives through the air and sends SCUD missiles hurling towards a building into the distance.

Steve: Nothing beats home!

They walked into the middle of a large, sandy town square, surrounded by old buildings. They yawned and stretched, care-free to the bullets and bombs exploding around them

Bob: Yes..rest..so relaxing..

However, as Bob finished that, the mercenaries most-opposed foursome strode around the corner. They quickly stood straight as Screaming Mantis, Laughing Octopus, Crying Wolf and Raging Raven strode around the corner, also clutching ice-creams

Frank: Not these girls again..

Screaming Mantis: Well..well..well..look what the cat dragged in!

Steve: You smell!

Silence.

Sal: We mean no harm, FRIEND

Raging Raven steps forward and Sal screams, cowering behind the mercenaries.

Bob: Uhh..honey? Occy?

Octopus simply stares at him

Bob: Oc--

She hisses and her tentacles flail at him, he screams wildly and hides behind Phil

Phil: You sugarcoated your lovemaking once too often! HAHA!

Bob slaps the back of his head

Frank: Look, just keep walk--

He sighed as he heard the sound of loud chatter come into the square, followed by a deathly silence. The mercenaries looked on as Samoa Joe, Jeff Jarrett, AJ Styles, Tom Morello, Slash, Barack Obama, A Random Guy, Colt Cabana, That Other Random Guy, Dick Head, A group of wrestling fans, Johnny Cash,Samuel L. Jackson, Christopher Daniels and Jay Cutler stood there, eating bags of crisps

Samoe Joe: Well..looks like we got ourselves a Mexican Showdown!

Bobs brain: You had to say it--

That Hispanic Guy: YAIYAIAYIAYYIYIYIYIYIIIII!!!!!!!!!!

That Hispanic Guy runs down a set of house stairs, followed by Johan, Obese Maurice, Moe The Midget, Vamp, Homicide, Hernandez, Antonio Banderas, Johnny Depp, Eddie Guerrero, Scott Dolph, Cyborg Ninja and Fatman

That Hispanic Guy: Tonight..the sewers run red with the blood of you all!!!

The Hispanics raise their hands and yell out. The mercenaries watch as they join the square

AJ Styles: All we need now is--

Liquid Ocelot and a small army of Raven Sword and Otselotoya Khvatka PMC troops wandered in

Liquid Ocelot: You called?

At that exact moment, Solid Snake, Meryl, Jonathon, Ed and Jonny strolled in

Snake: This may be part of my final mission..but I WILL KICK YOUR ASSES!!

They all pull out weapons, Phil pulls out a metal towel rack, Steve pulls out a hand grenade, Most of the real life guys aren't random, but A Random Guy pulls out a curtain rail, and a few more pull out glass bottles, milk crates and even a wet towel. That Hispanic Guy pulls out his bullwhip, while Jonny Depp pulls out a microphone and Vamp gets his knives ready. They all yell out and charge at eachother.

Phil started to circle Vamp, clutching his towel rack

Phil: Heere vampy vampy vampy!!

Vamp threw a knife at him and it went through his shoulder

Phil: FUCK!! I NEED THAT!!

He ran at him and pelted him with the towel rack, sending him down and itting him with it repeatedly. Meanwhile, Bob and Laughing Octopus were circling eachother

Bob: Ok, Occy, time to die!!

Octopus: But..I..still love you..

Bob stands still, despite the bloody brawl going on behind him

Bob: Really?

He didn;t have time to say anything else as Chris Sabin and Alex Shelley ride in on their horses and hurl a net over him, he yells out and they drag him behind their horses at full speed. A Random Guy jumps on Laughing Octopus' back and strangles her with the curtain rail

A Random Guy: YOU'RE FUCKED NOW!!

She simply threw him over her shoulder and sent through the windshield of a nearby car. Samoa Joe grabbed an Outer Haven soldier and started to lock him in the Coquina Clutch

Samoe Joe: TAP BITCH!! TAAAPPP!!!!

Liquid Ocelot ran up slowly and tapped Samoa Joe with his foot. Samoa Joe growled and got up, Liquid Ocelot screams and runs off, followed by Samoa Joe. Steve walked through the crowd and held out his hand grenade screaming loudly. AJ Styles jumped on his back and started choking him some wrist tape

Styles: Gueessss whooooo?????

Steve throws the grenade away and punches AJ in the face with the back of his knuckles. AJ fell off and Steve watched as Phil was dragged away in a net behind the horse of That Hispanic Guy. He quickly rolled out and stood up

Phil: I LIIIVVEE!!!

Crying Wolf charges at him

Phil: Even worse than when she’s horny.

She sends him flying into the top floor of an abandoned building as Steve jumped onto her back

Steve: Look Frank! I'm riding a female tractor!

Frank: STEVE! NO!

She starts to run around wildly, Steve latches on yelling wildly as she tries to buck him off. Jonny Depp quickly jumps onto Wills back and shoves a razor to his throat

Depp: I'm so going to make you into a pie!!

Will uses his plank of wood and slams it backwards, smashing it into Jonnys head. Will points at Liquid Ocelot and starts to advance on him, but is taken down in a dogpile of Outer Haven soldiers. Samoa Joe jumps at Antonio Banderas, but Antonio smashed a bottle of tequila over his head. Obese Maurice circles Sal, growling

Obese Maurice: Ya going to hell mate!

Sal: But Maurice! You were always gentle!

Maurice pounds his chest and charges at Sal, but Sal sidesteps and Maurice collides with Samuel L. Jackson, sending him skidding across the floor and taking down Samoa Joe and Liquid Ocelot

Sal: STEEEEEEERIKE!!!

AJ Styles wanders through on fire as Ed started to beat up Colt Cabana before using him as a dart and throwing him at Screaming Mantis. Vamp throws a few knives at Sal and skewers his chest with them

Sal: Goddammit Vamp! This was a new shirt!

Sal runs forward clutching a pair of ice skates and swung them around his head. Fatman sped forward on his rollerskates and plants a bomb on Franks back. Frank quickly tore off his shirt and hurled it at Raging Raven who simply uses her wing to bat it into a group of PMC soldiers, who explode into pieces. Moe The Midget hops onto Crying Wolfs back and jumps on her head before launching himself at Bill, latching on his face and punching him as Bill runs in circles screaming. Phil stands up on the top floor of the building

Phil: I'm still alive, bitches!

He jumps down onto Snakes back

Phil: Snake..you're so comfy..

Snake quickly hurls him over his back and Phil collides with Laughing Octopus, landing on top of her

Phil: Laughing Octopus..you're so comfy..

One of her tentacles quickly slapped him off and he flies into Frank. Bob quickly walks out, bleeding from his back. Octopus spins around so fast her mask falls off, and she blinks rapidly, the bloodthirsty images draining from her head

Bob: Octopus! OCTOPUS?!

Laughing Octopus: Darling!

Bob: Buttercup!

Frank: What the fuck?

Laughing Octopus: Whats happening?

Bob: We’re all fighting babe..

She watches as Vince runs past screaming, being chased by Johan carrying a tire iron. She then stares as Barack Obama runs by, swinging a mace around his head and chasing Bill.

Laughing Octopus: Oh..

Bob: Are you ok?...

Laughing Octopus: I think I felt the baby kick..

The brawling stops insantly. Sal drops his pipe and they all watch

Bob: Uhh..

That Hispanic Guy: Sweet mother of Xolotl!

Laughing Octopus: .....I was kidding! Now lets go have random, wild sex in that building.

Bob: ...Ok!

Phil watched as they hugged and quickly ran into an abandoned building

Phil: o.O;;

Maurice: Fuck that shite! LETS FIGHT!

Everyone screams and starts brawling. That Hispanic Guy rides past and Steve jumps off and lands on his horse, kicking him off

Steve: Look! I'm That Hispanic Guy!

That Hispanic Guy quickly snapps his whip at him and he screams,falling off and getting caught in the horses stirrup. That Hispanic Guy slaps the butt of the horse and it rides off at full speed with a screaming Steve half-hanging off. Jonathon and Ed headbutt a Praying Mantis soldier and behead him instantly. Tom Morello and Slash stand in front of a random dude and started playing their guitars. A random dude starts to shake and explodes violently. Johnny Cash smashes his guitar over the head of Antonio Banderas which kills him instantly. Barack Obama brings his mace down on Johan, who blocks it with his Tire Iron. He swipes at Obama, but he ducks. Bill catches Johans tire iron and stands on Obamas back.

Bill: THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN!!

He jumps at Johan, arms outstretched, going for a wrestling crossbody. Johan simply catches him.

Bill: BAD DECISION! BAD DECISION!

Johan spins and throws him into Fatman, who skids across the floor and tackles down Obama

Johan: Fuck yeah!

A random Otselotoya Khvatka PMC tiptoes behind Johnny Cash, who's pacing around the outskirts of the brawl. Cash blinks and swings his guitar over his shoulder, killing him instantly

Cash: Fatality!

Scoitt Dolph runs at Cash, but Cash pulls off his cowboy boot and smashes it over his head while Barack Obama comes along and starts stomping him. Eddie Guerrero climbs to the top of the building.

Eddie Guerrero: VIVA LA RAZA!!!

He jumps off hits a Frog Splash onto a group of PMC soldiers, who immediately explode randomly. Guerrero surfaces covered in blood, but he simply shrugs it off and turns to Bill, holding a Steel Chair. Bill puts up his fists, and Eddie points behind him. Bill turns around and Eddie smashes the chair into his back

Eddie: ORALE HOLMES!!!

Frnk: MADNESS?! THIS!!! IS!!! PARODY WRITING!!!

Frank pulls on a pair of Brass Knuckles and punches an advancing Jonny, knocking him out. That Random Guy pulls out a wet towel and towel snaps Screaming Mantis. She turns around and growls. He towel snaps at her face and she simply wraps her arms around him and hugs him

That Random Guy: I love you t--MY RIBS!!

Crying Wolf bounded through and snags Daves foot, Dave screams as he was dragged behind Crying Wolf. Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin rode back in and pull out a large radiator panel, knocking out Liquid Ocelot as they ride through. A window shutter slams open and Bob peeks out

Bob: PHIL!!! How are you?!!

Bob watches as Phil hops forward, snagged by another one of That Hispanic Guys nets

Phil: I'm doing great, just trying not to d--

Jeff Jarrett smashes a guitar over the head of Phil and he collapses. He pulls out another and aims for Bob, but smashes it off the wall as Bob ducks

eff Jarrett: Join the fight, slapnuts!!

The human form of Laughing Octopus pops her head up

Laughing Octopus: Shut up, JEFF!!

Jonny Cash pulls out a machete and goes to chop off his arm, but Jarrett turns around

Jarrett: What are you doing Cash?!

Cash points at Bob

Cash: Join the fight, lover boy!

Dean walks over and taps Jarrett on the shoulder

Jarrett: Yes?

Dean pulls out some red-hot oil and flings it into Jeffs face. Jeff yells and collapses

Cash: What the--

Dean: Don’t mess with a kebab shop owner!

Billy runs along and kicks Dean in the crotch. Dean whimpers and collapses

Cash: Why’d you kick your own team-mate??

Billy stares at him and kicks Cash in the groin. Cash yells out and collapses

Cash: MY GROIN!!

Frank puts Jonny in a headlock and starts punching him repeatedly as Snake snaps Vamps neck. Fatman rollerblades through, but Alex Shelly and Chris Sabin throw a bundle of nuts at his feet and he trips, flying headfirst into the wing of Raging Raven.

Chris Sabin: :)

Steve quickly wanders back in and Scott Dolph rides in ona horse, but Steve throws a Trident at him and stabs him, killing him instantly

Steve: :)

Jeeff Jarrett walks forward, clutching a guitar and squinting through the burning oil and smashes it over Meryls head, not noticing Homicide and Hernandez skewering him with the Mexican Flag. Vince pulls out a pair of nunchucks and charges at Crying Wolf, but she trips him and he lands on Samoe Joe, bnut he simpl wraps them around Joes neck and strangles him. Liquid Ocelot pulls out a knife and yanks Frank closer, jamming it into his chest

Liquid Ocelot: WE..are the best..

Frank: No..YOU..AREN'T!!!

He headbutts him in the face and uppercuts him. A random guy pulls out a bottle of beer and throws it at Johnny Cash, Cash simply catches it and drinks it, not noticing Snake wandering behind him and grabbing his neck to choke. Steve wanders in clutching a trident, which he thrusts into the chest of the Cyborg Ninja. Phil slowly gets up and unfurls himself from the net

Phil: THIS IS THE ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN OF ULTIMATE DESTINY!!!

Ed walks over and picks him up, but Phil grabs a wet towel from a random guys hand and snaps it against Eds face

Ed: IT HURTS!!!

Phil: ha-ha! Bow bitch! Bow to the towel!

Phil chases Ed through the square, snapping him with a towel as That Hispanic Guy wraps his bullwhip around a PMC soldier and slices him in two. Liquid Ocelot has Jonny Depp in a headlock and starts punching him as Bill pops up again, pulling out a flag of the Confedaracy

Bill: THIS TIME!!!

Bill charges at a random guy and skewers him on the end of the flag.

Bill: :)

Frank looks up from setting fire to a random guy, hearing sirens

FRANK: POLICE!!!

That Hispanic Guy looks up, having just cut off Raging Ravens wing

That Hispanic Guy: POLIZIA!!!!!!!!!!!

They all drop their weapons and run off, the dead and wounded lying on the floor. That Hispanic Guy, Alex Shelly and Chris Sabin ride away on their horses while the real life guys simply run out in a massive huddle. Ocelot wanders around cursing loudly, trying to find an Outer Haven soldier that actually survived until he shrugs and runs off. The mercenaries scramble around

All: Bob?!

Bob peeks his head out of the window

Bob: Yeah?!

All: ..Ah..fuck you!

They all run off into an alleyway, leaving the dead , the wounded and the charred

--10 minutes later--

They sat in their hotel, bandaging their wounds and drinking beer. Phil wraps a bandage around his eye, while Sal is having his whole body bandaged by Vince.

Frank: Boy..That escalated quickly! That...got out of hand so fast!

Will: It..definitely jumped up a notch

Frank: It did, didn't it?

Steve: I stabbed a man in the heart!

Dean: I Saw that...Steve killed a guy!

Dave: Did you throw a trident?

Steve: Yeah, and there were horses and there were men on fire, and I killed a few guys with a trident!

Frank: Steve, you should probably lay low for a while and get into a safehouse..you're probably wanted for murder

Phil: Murder schmurder, whats a few stabbings?

Frank: It wasn't a few, though, there was a man cut in half, towel snappings, heads crushed by guitars and Slash and Morello made a guy explode!

Bill: I saw that! That was cool! Epic cool!

Frank: But i'm all proud of you! Well done for fighting!

Phil: We killed guys..except Bob..where is Bob?

--Back in the square--

Laughing Octopus wanders out, covering herself with a blanket

Laughing Octopus: I..guess we missed a lot..

She watches as a PMC soldier without legs pull himself out of the alley

Bob: It did escalate pretty fast, didn't it?

That Hispanic Guy runs back, picking up his bullwhip. He looks at Octopus and wolf whistles before running back out

Laughing Octopus: Well..guess it's over..

They sigh and look down for a moment

Laughing Octopus: Wanna do it again?

Bob: Why not!

They wander back into the abandoned house as 2 balaclavad men slowly walk into the square, looking at the dead bodies. They take their masks off to reveal Phil and Steve

Phil: Jackpot!!

Steve: I'm gonna buy myself a shiny new necklace!!

They start looting the dead bodies before sirens sound, and they run off s the screen fades to black

1 comment:

  1. Occy got one hell of a temper!

    ReplyDelete