This is a message from Author Phil. By the amount of comments I am getting I estimate there are around 5 people who read this parody, 2 of whom should actually be declared legally insane.
If you visit and read, PLEASE leave a comment on your thoughts, even if its just ‘This is shit’, I mean, I don’t care about your opinion if you don’t like it, BUT STILL! I don’t want to have to advertise on more sites again! Please! You can’t do this to me!
The mercenaries are huddled around the computer
Frank: WE'RE NOT POPULAR YET?!
Will: Its all your fault Frank!
Frank: ME?! YOU'RE THE MALE WHORE!!!
Vince: Now now, lets not point fingers, its obvious we're all boring
Phil: Shut the fuck up Vince, if anyones boring its Jon
Phil: Yeah, because you were supposed to be a bit player, but the piece of crap who wrote this fucking Journal entry forgot and cast you as a main guy!
Steve: Guys..should we just let it go?
Steve: Like..stop doing this
Dave slaps Steve
Dave: We ain't gonna stop! We love this! Stop talking crazy gibberish!
Frank: Anyway, I got a dead cert to make us more popular..
Frank: No--wait a minute, why is Bob twitching?
Sal: The lack of exposure made Octopus violently turn on him
Brick: But, do continue Mr. Whiskey in the jar-O
Frank: A recruitment drive!!
Phil: Has anyone told you you're smart?
Phil: Because you're not. You're as dumb as a rock. That's awful! Whoc ould we possibly recruit?
Frank: I'LL SHOW YOU ALL! TO THE FRANKKMOBILE!!
A whirling graphic of Franks face spins into the screen and zooms out. When the room appears, the mercenaries are coughing in a cloud of plaster where Frank has just run out of a wall..which happens to be the outside wall to a building 2 stories up
Frank: I'm fine!!
A loud crack is heard
Frank: My spine isn't though!
Vince: Lets just leave him
In the middle of the Town Square, a small desk is set-up with Phil, Frank, Will, Brick, Steve, Bob, Dave, Sal and Billy sitting at it.
Phil: I can see we’re popular
Frank: I told you!
Will: Yeah, Look how many people showed up!
That Hispanic Guy, That Random Guy and Johan are sitting on a houses steps, drinking bottles of San Miguel. One person is standing there.
Sal: Well..may as well..FIRST!
A small, young man with brown hair walks forward, standing silently in front of the table
Frank: Are you alive?
The young man grabs Billys head and smashes it against the desk, knocking him out instantly. Billy crumbles to the ground, clutching his broken, bloodied nose
Phil: ....Ok, you're in Robbie!
Robbie: Thanks Phil!
Robbie walks behind the desk
Phil: Right, well, we’re done, aren’t we? That was it. So exciting. So freaking exciting.
Phil, Will and Steve stand up
Will: Well, we’re hopeless guys. Bye--
A shot goes off and a bullethole goes through Wills purple tribly, they all scream and dive under the table. Frank rolls over the table, readying his Desert Eagle
Will: CALL FOR BACK-UP PICKLED MAN!!!
Frank grabs his walkie talkie
Frank: HQ! HQ!!
Silence. Sound of ringing. Receiver picked up
Dick: Hello, Lamb and Flag pub, any orders? Party requests?
Frank: DICK! WE NEED BACK-UP!
Silence on receiver end.
Dick: Frank, we’re a pub, what are we supposed to do?
He hangs up and Frank dances around, screaming
Phil: DAMMIT FRANK! THE CONCH!
That Hispanic Guy and Johan snigger as they watch. Frank leans into his pocket and pulls out a huge conch
Billy: WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?
Frank takes a deep breath and blows into the conch, making the windows rattle. Sounds of yelling and rumbling. Karab, Dean, Jon, Bill, Billy, Jim, Jimmy, Obese Maurice, Moe the Midget, Dick Head, Bob, Laughing Octopus, Raging Raven, Screaming Mantis, Crying Wolf, Tavi and Vince rush out, carrying AKs and point them around the square
Sal: ....Well, we ain’t that bad!
The rest crawl out from under the table, looking around. Uneasy silence around the square
Frank: What is it?
Another shot goes off and hits the desk. Sound of guns being loaded and cocked. Phil walks over to an empty building and peers inside it
Phil: I got nothing..
Dave and Steve peer into another
Silence. Sound of crawling across the sand.
Will: Anyone else hear that?
The mercenaries all look around.
Frank: I hate to do this....CHUCK!!!
A beam of light shoots down and Chuck Norris starts floating down to serene harp music. He opens his eyes and tilts his hat as he makes his way down
Norris: Hi guys.....What the hell is going on?
CHuck stops in mid-float and points, sending a shaft of light into a dark corner and revealing a small, short-haired woman, carrying a Colt .45, crawling across the sands
Norris: Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, I’LL BREAK YOUR NECK, FRANK!!!
He floats up quickly and the light disappears. Bob, Vince, Brick and Dean rush forward, pointing their guns at the crawling figure
The shape looks up at him and hisses. Brick screams and jumps into Vinces arms
Brick: SAVE US, SUPERMAN!!!!
Tavi and Wolf rush forward, standing in front of them
Silence. Mercenaries lower their guns
Wolf: Because this woman is a new recruit too! She is helping us run our new gun store, ReLoaded!
Frank: ...Gun store?
Wolf: Let me explain--
Sal: Please don’t. It’ll be boring.
Screaming Mantis: NOW! Go on Wolf, dear..explain
Wolf: Well, if you dicks actually paid attention, you would have noticed we demolished that useless 24/7 between the Dog and Handgun and Kebab Shop! We started work 2 weeks ago and finished it 3 days ago..ReLoaded! You see, you mercenaries are either armed with Desert Eagles or AKs...Good, but practically useless if the shit hits the fan! We organized shipments of MK. 17s, RPG-17s, MP5s,
Colt Single Action Armys, Magnum .357s and other technical pieces of shizzle!
Tavi walks over to the woman and drags her up. The woman shakes sand out of her hair and waves
Woman: Helllllllllllllooooooooooooooooooo guysssssssssssssssssssssssss........
Sal slaps Bill on the arm
Sal: No Bill! No talking to strangers!
Bill whines and hangs his head
Woman: My names...Courtney
Tavi: Knew that’d happen
Courtney: Oh...HI PHIL!
Dave: You know this woman?
Courtney: Yes...we know eachother quite well, right Phil?
Phil is on the floor, pounding the sand with his fists
Phil: THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING!!!!!
Will: Special? You were in the same psychiatric wards?
Wolf scowls at Will, who shrugs. Dick wanders into the square and coughs. Several guns at point him and he raises his arms
Frank: LOWER YOUR WEAPONS YOU FUCKING MAGGOTS!!
Everyone turns their guns to Frank
Frank: Uhh...I mean..please and thank you..
Dick: Can we get back to the pub?
Screaming and roaring. Huge dust cloud.
Phil looks up at the huge black sign with red lettering ‘ReLoaded’.
Phil: Ahh..what the hell
He pulls out his collar and puts on a cheesy grin, walking towards the store and through the door. A bell rings in the murky depths of the shop, and Phil looks around, underwhelmed
Phil: I can see how they afforded it..
He leans over a glass gun case and traces his finger across a sign for a DSL-1 Magnum Sniper Rifle. The glass breaks beneath his finger.
He grabs the pane of glass and pulls it up slightly, ramming it into the wooden side. The glass is now clearly off level, but Phil shrugs and looks at the ceiling. A tile falls off and hits him in the face. He yells out in pain and collapses, clutching his face. At that moment, Wolf rushes out, wearing denim overalls
Wolf: Welcome to ReLoaded! The store for the gunwhore! The---Phil?
Phils lying on the floor, motionless, clutching his face
Wolf flips open the counter and walks over to him, extending a hand. Phil takes it and she helps him up
Wolf: Ooo..a bleeder
Phil steps back, but Wolf waves it off
Wolf: Nah..joking, joking..
Phil: So..you’ve moved out?
Wolf: ....No..not yet
Phil: Hm. Why not?
Wolf: Why do you care?
Phil cricks his neck
Phil: My mistake. Went too out of character for your liking.
Wolf: I’m sor--
Phil: Please..Wolf. If you’re going to do it to fool yourself, fine, just don’t apologize to me. I can see right through it. You know this is your best choice, that this relationship is a better choice.
Wolf: I suppose..
Phil: Dance around it all you want, but just know it won’t hurt my feelings
Phil: Soooo!! I’m looking for a rare pair of guns..
Wolf: They would be?
Phil: A pair of Colt Pythons..
Wolf leans under the desk and pulls out a huge book, scattering dust everywhere. Phil hacks wildly
Phil: HOW OLD IS THAT THING?!
Wolf: 2 days old. Dust under the desk is a bitch though
Phil: A BITCH! It’s 5 INCHES THICK! IT’S LIKE SNOW!!
Wolf keeps tracing her finger across the text and taps on something
Wolf: Colt Pythons? Times two?
Wolf: Steves Colt getting tiresome?
Phil: I need something for when the shit hits the fan. The AK couldn’t hit a fucking barn door.
Wolf: Well..what about Chuck?
Phil: We can’t always call on Norris! His awesome radiation is enough to make us melt!
Wolf: Well, surely he can hit that pesky barn door!
Wolf: ...Your mighty Norris can’t hit a barn door?
Phil: Nope....everytime he tries, the whole fucking barn just falls down
Wolf shakes her head and looks at the inventory
Wolf: Wow....uhh...yeah, we got a pair out back..
Phil: Show me the goods?
Wolf: Yeah..follow me
Phil: Why not just give them here?
Wolf: You’ll need to test them out..one of our RPGs exploded last week in a test, and so did one of our ANs
Phil: How the fuck does an AN-94 assault rifle EXPLODE?!
Wolf: Popping candy gunpowder bullet..
Wolf: Come on slowcoach!
She flips open the counter and kicks open a door in the back. Phil follows her through into the shops backyard. He looks through the chainlink fence at Dick smoking a cigarette
Phil: Hey Dick..
Dick: Phil..Making sure those lot aren’t gonna light the Malibu on fire?
Phil turns to Wolf
Phil: Wolf? Did you set Malibu alight?
Wolf: Let it go, Dick! It was just a flamethrower malfunction!
Dick: That destroyed 100 quids worth of Malibu!!
Wolf: Well SOR-REE!!!
Dick flicks the cigarette butt into their yard and flips the bird, walking into the Lamb and Flags kitchen and shutting the door behind him
They walk over to a pile of boxes covered by a khaki rag and she flips it off, pulling out a small wooden box and blowing dust and dirt off it, flicking open the lid and glancing inside it
Wolf: Whoops. Claymores.
She throws the box up and Phil screams, catching it as it lands
Phil: YOU FUCKING PSYCHOPATH!!
Wolf: mm...This one? Ah! Yes!
She grabs the Claymore box and sets it down, handing Phil the large box. Phil opens the lid and glances at the two nickel-plated Colt Pythons with black handles
Phil: Sweet..got some ammo?
Wolf: Yeah, thats in the store..
They turn around and the Lamb and Flags kitchen door bursts open. Obese Maurice flies out screaming, wearing a chefs hat and a lobster clamped to his nose
Maurice: BY DOSE!! IDS GOD BY DOSE!!!
Moe rushes out and grabs a frying pan, throwing it at Maurices face. Maurice spins, screaming, and the pan hits the side of his head, knocking him out. Moe rushes over
Moe: Maurice?! You ok?
The lobster lets go off Maurices nose and charges at Moe. Moe screams and runs into the kitchen
Phil: Now THATS entertainment!
They walk into the store and Phil sets the guns on the counter. Wolf leans behind the counter
Wolf: How much ammo?
Phil: How much stops an army?
Wolf places 10 boxes on the counter
Phil: That’ll do..how much?
Wolf: Two hundred and forty dollars..
Wolf: Dollars have a much higher demand on the war economy.
Phil: I thought that was Drebin Points?
Wolf: Dollars can buy a lot of stuff...SOP upgrades, guns..Much more than pounds..This little corner of heaven...This mercenary corner...is one of the few places left where they value the dollar apart from America
Phil scrambles through his pockets and pulls out a handful of scrappy notes
Phil: This enough?
Wolf looks at the bundle and takes it, counting through the notes
Wolf: 60 dollars change..there
Phil: Cool! I got change in a currency I don’t use!
He takes the change and slips it into his back pocket
Wolf: So...you going?
Phil: Aye..when you coming to pick your stuff up?
Wolf leans against a wooden beam on the wall and blows a raspberry
Wolf: Kiss for the road?
Phil looks at her uneasily
Phil walks up to her, looks around and kisses her uneasily on the lips
Phil: Shit..this can’t go on..
Wolf grabs him by his collar, but Phil grabs her hands and takes them off his collar
Phil: Wolf...You made your bed, lie in it
Wolf: And if I still have feelings for you?
Phil: Lock them up and throw away the key.
Phil: Don’t hurt Tavi. Don’t make things awkward for Courtney. Leave me be, will ya?
Wolf looks hurt and hangs her head
Phil counts out some notes and slaps them on the counter
Phil: A little something to get a drink with.
He shuts the door and Wolf slumps against a wall, rubbing her chin in deep thought. Tavi walks down from the upper flat and pokes her head through the door
Tavi: Hey, Wolf! It’s 9pm, you said you were gonna show us your tricks!
She bounces up after Tavi
Phil, Steve, Frank, Sal, Billy, Dick and Bob sit on a table in the otherwise-empty Lamb and Flag at 3 in the afternoon. Dick watches them, boredly as they drink and talk
Bob: So...Robbies the only recruit so far....We need more...
Dick: Why? Haven’t you lot got enough to go on with?
Frank: Yes..but we need specialist guys..
Sal: You mean like dyslexics and Downs?
Vince: He means specialist areas of war, not special education you fucking prick..
Frank: Robbies another soldier....We already have our Tech guy, thats Steve
Steve: Yeah yeah! ME!! ME!!
Phil: Ironic the one who loves lamp should get that one..
Steve: It’s not just lamp..the toasters alright too..But I made that funny swirly thingy!
Phil: Yeah...Steve actually made a nuclear isotope once
Phil: Yeah! There was a barrel of nuclear waste dumped on our doorstep, I go out to find someone to dump it on, and I come back and Steves crafted dozens of isotopes! How do you think we get our power after the Halloween fiasco?
Dick shivers and Frank pats his back
Frank: Steves the tech guy, Phils my second in command
Phil: Fo shizzle, bitches
Frank: Daves the 3rd in command. Bobs the map co-ordinator
Bob: You need me, do not lie!
Frank: Wills the spy. Deans the chef..most important, and he shoots like a pro. Bills our strategist..very useful. Billys the sniper
Billy: I’m a dead-eye...do not even fuck with me at a distance!
Frank: Sals the back-up leader..
Phil: I thought I was the second-in-command?
Frank: Yes..but Sals the back-up leader and my right-hand man
Phil: Fuckin’ butthead..
Frank: Vince is the construction analyst . Bricks our driver and pilot. Johan, Bobby, *Beep*, *Beep* and *Beeep* are our mechanics and Moes our scout.....We need a pyrotechnic, a heavy weapons specialist, a master interrogator and a Medic
Billy: Quite a lot, then
Frank: It’s only 4..and i’m sure more vacancies will open up as we go
Phil: Why don’t we find a recruitment officer?
Frank: That’s 5.
Phil: Why don’t we try and find Coach Lynch?
Frank: Our barracks are miles away somewhere in the Sahara...And I doubt Coach Lynch would be up for the trip
Phil: Yeah..he dumped us in Chechnya for a training mission, and only called us after 5 days and when we were in Bolivia to say ‘Go back to the desert. A man will give you directions to the base’
Sal: You forgot ‘Good luck, you fucknuts’
Dick: Well..good luck you guys..it’s almost opening time here, and i’m gonna have to chuck you all out
Dick: It keeps with the mystique!!.....Besides, people are already intimidated when they see Frank here in the speed of light. So bugger off or i’ll get the dogs on ya!
They scramble up and file out of the door, mumbling to themselves
As night rolled in, the mercenaries had left their homes in look of a quick fix of a pint before the mass meeting in the town square that night. Sal catches up with Frank and Dave as they walk to the Lamb and Flag
Sal: Got your speech ready, Boss Hog?
Frank: Aye..gonna rally up the troops
Samoa Joe walks past
Joe: Good luck.
Frank: Thanks Joe..
Joe: You’ll never be as good as me at getting a emotive reaction though.
Frank: Keep bragging, Joe!
Shelley and Sabin drive by on a motorcycle and Laughing Octopus and Bob walk past them
Dave: Taking the lass out for a drink, Bob?
Bob: We don’t go out ’for a pint’..I’m taking her to Shady Acres Carvery..
Frank: Wow..pretty upscale Bob
Bob: Yes...the last few civilized mercenaries are there..
Octopus: And its difficult finding them!
Sal: Mmm...Well, have fun..
Bob and Octopus walk off and Sal cups his hands around his mouth
Sal: EAT THE RICH!!!
Bob turns around and takes off his shoe, hurling it at Sal. It hits him in his forehead and knocks him out cold. Bob walks over, grabs his shoe and slips it on
Bob: Cocksucking little fucking ass cockwank..
Dave: Oh! Bob! Language for t’lady!
Bob flips the bird and catches up to Octopus as Frank and Dave snigger. Frank looks around and watches as Karab unlocks the kebab shop door and opens it, and watches as Brick unlocks the door of the Dog and Handgun
Brick: Come in! Come in perverts and drunkards!
Jimmy, Sal, Vince, Bobby, Johan, Jim and Bill all rush in
Mr. Monypennies: You should go into advertissle my nizzy!
Brick: One day, snake dude!
Frank: Hey...there’s Steve..
He watches as Steve hops onto Wolfs back as her and Tavi walk towards The Lamb And Flag
Frank: Where’s Phil?
Phil sits on a set of stairs, leaning back.
Phil: And so they march off to liqour...I just can’t be fucked dealing with Wolf....Damn horny demon...
He puts a cigar into his mouth and pats in his pockets. A leather gloved hand comes from nowhere with a zippo, lighting it for him
Phil stands up and points his Glock at the new figure, but the figure slaps the gun out of his hand and points at him
Figure: Still twitchy, ey? No different from last time I left ya!
Phil: Jericho?! Jericho Kingston?!
Jericho steps back into the street lamps light, wearing a white shirt, black tie, long brown trenchcoat, leather shoes and black dress pants and shaggy brown hair
Jericho: The very same who saved your ass in Bolivia from those fucking Purve Armsment!
Phil: Pieuvre Armament.
Jericho: Fuck off you git.
Phil: Still angry, I see, killed your counseller again?
Jericho: We had a misunderstanding about how much I was paying him!
Phil: Call the police and don’t kneecap the bastard!
Phil: Fuck...good to see you..We were just looking for recruits--
Jericho: Thats why I came, to sign up.
Phil: ...How do you know?
Jericho: I heard Frank Daniels conch. Bastard still drinking?
Phil: Drinking? He’s pickling slowly.
Phil: Old....Fuck man, I thought you’d died
Jericho: Nope, after I left your crappy little training unit of Mercs I became a hitman for hire...Killed a few people, got some money, set up house in Bolivia..and here we are. Decided not to let all that training go to waste
Jericho: Yup...then I was a star member of the Bolivian Police Force, before hearing a conch a few hours ago and hopping on the first ManCannon outta there!
Phil: You have MANCANNONS THERE??!!?!
Jericho: Every place has them since Ocelot raised his demands for a ManCannon in every city. Apparently, he loves the feel of wind in his hair
Phil: This is just fucking weird..
Jericho claps his hands together
Jericho: Soo....Lamb and Flag still open?
Jericho: Damn! I thought they closed it after Mark got decapitated by that rogue ceiling fan!
Phil: Yeeahh...Well, popular demand!
Jericho: Dick still own it?
Jericho rubs his eyes and shakes his head
Jericho: Good.. I need a drink..That ManCannon takes a lot outta ya..
Phil: Follow me
They both walk into the streets and towards the Lamb and Flag. Wolf looks back at them as she enters the Lamb and Flag and wolf-whistles
Wolf: Hello Sexies!
Jericho slicks his hair, pointing at her and winking before looking at Phil
Jericho: Who’s the hot piece of ass?
Phil: Remember when we spied on that Unit in Chechnya? The robotic Wolf, Octopus, large floating thingy and the bird?
Jericho: Those insane fucknuts, yeah..
Phil: You just hit on the Wolf.
Jericho stops and faints, falling on his face. Morello runs across and points at him
Morello runs off
Phil opens the door of the Lamb And Flag and coughs loudly. Silence.
Frank looks at him from his, That Hispanic Guy, Will and Ravens table
Phil: I present to you the The Isis of Interrogation! The Sultan of Sadism! The old school is cool...Jericho Kingston!
Jericho slowly slumps into the light, smoking a cigar. Everyone stares. He blows out a stream of smoke and looks around
Jerico: Well, it actually looks like there’s some fucking hope for these mercenaries!
Phil: I think they’re surprised..
Jericho: Or your flies open..
Phil looks down
Phil: Nope, hangar doors latched...but I do see your point
Jericho: Shit, is it showing? That why they’re silent?
He looks and frowns before looking up and nodding
Jericho: Ah! I see your point!
Phil: .....Is it showing?
Phil looks down before looking at Jericho
Phil: Nope, all zipped up...Ah! I see your point!
Jericho looks down and sniggers
Jericho ..Ah-Ah..I see your point..
Phil: Is it show--
Frank: JERICHO FUCKING KINGSTON?! WE THOUGHT YOU’D DIED!!!
Jericho: No! But its a long story and my mouth don’t open that way til we batten down the hatches and slip some Carling in!
The bar returns to normal and Phil and Jericho walk in, sitting at Franks table
Will: So...Jericho Kingston..
Raging Raven looks at him, slightly confused
Jericho: So..Will. Settled down?
Will: No....relationship though...
Jericho: ....I need that drink!!
Dick rushes over and puts a pint of Carling in front of Jericho
Dick: Welcome back, old-timer
Jericho: Thanks Dick! Keeping safe and well, I see?
Dick: Hose behind the bar and a shotgun in the tip box!
Jericho: Fucking old-school!
Will: How ae you even still alive?
Jericho: I traveled all this way, I’ll be asking the questions, William....This your bird?
Phil , Frank and That Hispanic Guy snigger
Raven: Oh...the irony
Phil: Remember the Unit in Chechnya?
Jericho blinks rapidly
Jericho: Don’t tell this is...Raving Raven?
Raven: RAGING Raven...
Jericho simply stares and shakes his head
Jericho: The logic here..is outstanding..
Phil: Hey! She’s very good at divebombing!
Will: And the naughty type!
That Hispanic Guy: Too much information.
Phil: And to avoid any other nasty surprises...Bob got the Octopus, and Franks with the huge floating Mantis..
Jericho winces and looks at him
Jericho: You could’ve broken me in gradually!
Phil: This ain’t a fucking yellow-belly unit Jericho..We adapt to the environment, hunt like snakes..and ravens..and octopi..and mantis’s...and wolves..and foxes..and--
Jericho: I..think I get the jist
Jericho looks around before turning back
Jericho: Is that Lemmy Kilmister arm-wrestling AJ Styles?
Will: There is a very reasonable explanation...but we must shovel Carling into your body before we tell you! DICK! More drinkies for the drunky!
Dick rushes over and sets down a whole tray of pints on the table
Wolf: So thats Jericho Kingston?
Wolf looks over at their table from hers, Tavis and Courtneys
Wolf: Phil was telling me...Kingston was the key interrogator of the training unit..apparently killed a guy with a sledgehammer and thumbtacks just trying to get the location of a pizza place..
Courtney: .....Did they get the info?
Wolf: I dunno...But Kingstons apparently very violent, a heavy drinker, a chain smoker and sometimes incredibly suicidal to the point of kamikaze tendencies..
Courtney: I can see how Phil and him used to be best of friends then..
Wolf: Yeah..Of course, I saw the pictures..What a moustache Phil has when you leave him in the jungle for a few weeks..
Wolf: I’m using it as an anti-thief mechanism at ReLoaded...I nicknamed it ‘The Handlebars Of Justice’
Tavi: This I gotta see..
Lemmy slams Styles hand to the table and raises his arms
Lemmy: Winner again!
Styles: Damn Lemmy...
Fedor Emalanienko: Give up Styles. Lemmy is much better than you.
Styles: One day Lemmy!
Lemmy: You’ll what? Make me use effort?
The huge gang member from Tijuanas prison walks in. Silence.
Gang member: Where is *Beep*?
That Hispanic Guy stands up and motions for him to walk over. Everyone watches as this gargantuan gang member walks over to the table and slowly sits down beside That Hispanic Guy
That Hispanic Guy: Our newest recruit, Frank!
Frank stares up at the 7-footer
That Hispanic Guy: I shall call him..Mega-Me.
The gang member nods and folds his arms. Frank simply keeps staring up at him
Frank: Uhh..does he have a...well..talent?
The gang member grabs a spare stool and simply crushes it up like its a piece of paper, throwing it down.
Dave: Psh. Anyone could do that..
The gang member grabs the stool and unfurls it. That Hispanic Guy hands him a screwdriver and, within a few seconds, hands Frank a Missile Launcher. Frank takes it, wide-eyed
Frank: YOU’RE IN!!!
Gang Member: Sweet.
Frank: Does he have a name?
Gang Member: Stoofer.
Frank: Hah..no, seriously
Gang Member: My name is Stoofer Enrigue. Do not make fun of the name or you will have that Missile Launcher inside you with a 5 second missile delay.
Frank: Welcome to the mercenaries, Stoofer!!
Silence. Bar slowly raises their glasses
Bar: Welcome Stoofer!
Stoofer: Thank you all for welcoming me. I look forward to this wondrous place being the place of my rehab.
That Hispanic Guy nudges Frank
That Hispanic Guy: Y’SEE!!! I got one! I hired a good merc! Beat that Frank!
Frank: I will...you’ll see..you’ll see..
Phil: All we need now is a medic and a pyrotechnic!
Steve leans over
Steve: Big boom?
Phil; No! Bad Steve! You be gadget man!
Steve: So I can wears cape?
Phil: No Steve. No cape.
Frank: Where the hell do we find a pyrotechnic..
Frank looks over at Shamrocks, Coutures, Emalanienkos, Andrei Arlovskis and Dan Severns table. Emelanienko cracks his knuckles and shakes his head slowly
Frank: Ah, can’t blame a guy for trying..
Will: How about we just give it up and roll into battle with MY GUNS?!
Will flexes dramatically
Jericho: You truly are pathetic..
Will: Shut up! You’ve only returned, you’re opinion is like shit!
Jericho stands up and so does Raven. Couture shifts his chair
Couture: Ooo..a fight!
Jericho: Look, missy..my fight is with the cunt there, NOT you..
Raven: You touch one single hair on his head and i’ll break your arm
Phil slowly stands up with a swagger
Phil: And if you touch 2 hairs on his head, i’ll tear your arm off..
Raven cracks her knuckles and grins
Raven: I think I like those odds..
Phil: Well..I think I hate them, so this is your fight Jericho
Jericho: Thanks Phil, you fucking coward
Phil: Tactical retreat, Jerry.
Tavi: Can’t you just settle it down? Is there really a need for violence?
Tavi stands up and grabs her denim jacket
Tavi: Fine..we’re leaving!
Tavi: C’mon babe..
Wolf stands up and follows Tavi out. Courtney simply sits there, staring. Wolf rushes in, grabs her arm and drags her out
Dick: Look, if you’re gonna be a violent, i’ll get the hose!
Maurice runs out, carrying a length of red hose over his shoulder
Maurice: STOP FIGHTING YA FUCKBAGS!!!!
Dick: No...Maur...That wasn’t the cue..
Will: Just sit down, it’s embarassing
Jericho and Raven slowly sit down
Jericho: YOU’RE embarassing..
Stoofer: Let us be peaceful men. The real battle lies out in the wastes.
That Hispanic Guy: Clear thinking , Stoofer. Very good.
Frank: We need some help..Where the hell am I gonna find mercenaries?
Phil slams the table
Phil: I’ll go to the fucking Academy and pick up some young bloods just for you to shut the fuck up!
Frank: No no no...I must do this myself..
Phil sighs and rests his head in his arms
That Hispanic Guy: Look, Frank, you embarassment. At least go out and TRY
Frank: Gimme a sec..I gotta think criteria
Will: Jesus Frank. You’ll never get another of me. Stop looking for a Ferrari when you’re targets a Volkswagen!
That Hispanic Guy: Maricon has a point.
Frank: OK!!! So..now we got Robbie, Stoofer and Jericho..I need some old guard like Jericho..but the question is, where would a man as insane as Jericho and as angry be, assuming they’re arriving because of the conch..The academys too far away to get Coach..so...
Franks brain: Shut up you idiot. I’ll figure this out. Try ReLoaded. Simple as that you stupid asshole.
Frank: Later Dick. I’m gonna go down to ReLoaded.
That Hispanic Guy: Oh! It's on puto! I bet you can’t hire a mercenary!
Phil makes a chicken noise and Jericho flaps his arms, cauding the bar to laugh. Frank growls and slams down a £10 note
Frank: Bets on, ya bastard!!
That Hispanic Guy grins and slaps his back
That Hispanic Guy: Please..go make a fool of yourself!
Frank: Haha..I intend to
Frank smirks and walks out
That Random Guy: Can we insult him for that?
Bobby watches Frank leave from his and Johans table
Bobby: I..don’t know
Frank walks down the lamp-lit street and looks around, reaching into his pocket for a cigar as he stops outside the Dog and Handgun
Frank: Where could I find a recruit?
Brick walks outside the Dog and Handgun, wearing only a red velvet dressing gown and white socks
Frank: Hey, Hugh, any new mercenaries in there?
Brick: Nope, now walk on drunky, you’re scaring the customers
Frank looks into the club
Frank: Jimmy, Sal, Vince, Bobby, Johan, Jim, and Bill...that’s all...
Brick: Your smell is scaring Bill and Sal. Walk on!
Frank flips the bird and walks down the street, looking up at the star-speckled sky
Frank: Give me a sign..
Voice: IT GO KABOOM!!!!!
Frank stares around, wide-eyed
Frank: If that was God, I am so gonna be scared
A huge explosion lights up ReLoaded from its backyard, and a loud cackling is heard from it
Voice: SEE?! KABOOM!!! BIG KABOOM!!!!
Frank: Ok, this I gotta see!
Frank quickly breaks into a run and runs back past the Lamb and Flag and to ReLoaded. He skids to a halt on his heels and flings the door open
Tavi walks in, brushing soot off herself
Tavi: Oh! Hello Frank..come to see what the commotion is?
The back door flies open and one hinge snaps. A bald man with wild stubble growing across his face appears, wearing a blast vest, desert camouflage cargo pants and black army boots. A scar is slashed across his white left eye, while his right eye is a violent shade of blue. He twitches slightly and looks at Frank
Man: Fra-a-a-a-a--nk!!! OH MY GOD!! YOU!!
Frank looks around
Man: YOU NO REMEMBER?!?!??! YOU NO REMEMBER WHO YOU CALL KEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY IVAN?!?!?!?!
Crazy Ivan: Yes...IT’S ME!!! C-C-CRAZY IVAN!!! THE MASTER OF KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABOOM!!!!
Wolf bounds in, extinguishing her lit eyebrows
Wolf: He’s so fun! He came in here wanting to see where the conch noise came from, and wanted several hundred pounds of dynamite too!
Ivan: We make kaboom?!
Wolf: Yes we did IVAN!!!
Ivan: KABOOM!!! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!
Franks brain: You were right. You will be a laughing stock.
Frank: So..Ivan..what happened?
Ivan twitches wildly and grabs a syringe from his belt, stabbing it into his neck. His breathing slows and his neck stops twitching before he stands straight, looking at Frank
Ivan: Vell..Despite staying in Gersky Oblansk after we destroyed the power plant..I decided to move on...You know..get some contracts..I wandered the land, detonating things for my contractors..then, one day, I got an order to demolish a nuclear power plant.......Sniffed in too hard..Now the atoms are playing crazy vith my brain..
Frank: Not like you were sane to being with
Ivan: Vell...shit happened..And I heard your conch..So I hopped onto the ManCannon in Moscow and shot vight over here..Decided to come back to the unit vich served me so vell..
Frank: Welcome back to the Mercenaries..
Ivan: Awesome! So...do ve have a name?
Tavi: No...we’re just called the Mercenaries..
Frank: Coupled with Brick..we’ll blow buildings down in seconds!
Ivan: So, the old gang is still here?
Frank: Most..Bob, Dave, Will, Sal, Billy, Brick, Dean...the works
Ivan: Awesome..oops, medications wearing out
Ivan twitches and cackles loudly
Ivan: I WILL MAKE THINGS GO KABOOM FOR FRANK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Frank: ....YES!! NOW LET’S GO TO THE LAMB AND FLAG!!
Ivan: I MAKE THAT GO KABOOM!!!
Frank: NO!!! No no no no no!!! That’s our base of operations!
Ivan: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! It no go boom!!
Franks brain: I like this guy. I got it right, eh drunky?
Frank slaps his temple and his brain screams
Frank kicks open the door of the Lamb and Flag. It’s empty except for Sabin, Shelley, Phil, Jericho, That Hispanic Guy, Obese Maurice, Moe The Midget Lemmy and Bobby sitting around a table, playing poker. Dick looks up from wiping the bar
Frank: I told you *Beep*!!! I got a recruit!!
That Hispanic Guy looks up
That Hispanic Guy: This I gotta see!!
Frank: Gentlemen..I present....CRAZY IVAN!!!
Jericho and Phil look back in amazement
Jericho and Phil: Y’what?!
Ivan steps into view, twitching madly
Ivan: JERICHO!!! PHIL!! HOW ARE YOU GUYYYSSSSS??!!?!?!?!?!!
Jericho: Hey, look, he finally snapped
Sabin: Uhhh..who’s the nutcase who belongs in a locked asylum?
Frank: Ivan Hellgenstrand!! Now known as Crazy Ivan..an old guy from the Academy who left us when we left Chechnya..Our demolitions expert--
Shelley: DEMOLITIONS?! YOU LET THIS...THIS..NUTTER HANDLE EXPLOSIVES?!?!?!?!!
Frank: Yes, and I will.
Shelley: JESUS CHRIST!!
Phil: Well..has he still got the old spark?
Frank: I suppose so, yes..
Jericho: We ain’t fixing for supposing, Frank..
That Hispanic Guy: I bet he cuts through buildings like a knife through butter!
Phil: Now we need a medic..
Frank: Already found one.
Phil: Oh yeah, who?
Frank steps to the side and Tavi walks into view
Phil: If my arm was cut off, how would--
Tavi: Ice the wound to cut blood flow, grab some leeches and a hot iron, stick it on the stump, use the iron to help seal the wound, sew the arm back on, and attach leeches to help blood flow start, using hot stones to measure pain reaction to make sure it isn’t lost!
Silence. Tavi grins and bounces slightly.
Phil: Welcome to the Mercs..
Everyone turns to Phil. Even Tavi.
Phil: Look, She knows her stuff, and we need a good Medic..sounds like she can handle her own..
Jericho smells Phils breath
Jericho: Pickled like an egg.
Phil: I..still have some sense..and it’s saying..yes..Tavi should be the medic...As long as she doesn’t try and pounce any of us..
Tavi: Deal...only if Wolf and Courtney tag along!
Phil: I’m tattooing a target to my chest then.
Jericho: Hey..that Wolfs pretty psycho..and this Courtney...I dunno, i’m siding with Frank anyway.
Phil: Thanks, you dick!
Jericho: That’s me.
Frank: So..we got our recruits..I guess..You guys can vacation..
Frank: Yes..I guess i’ll blow the conch when I need you all..so..err..have fun..
Frank: I...don’t see what harm can come of it. Rested mercenaries are killer merc--
He blinks and the whole bar is empty. He looks beside him: Tavi and Ivan are gone. Dick is simply standing there, polishing a glass
Dick: Gone, gone, gone..
Frank: So..what now, Dick?....Dick?
He blinks. The doors are locked and the lights are out. He shakes his head and looks into the window of the Lamb and Flag. Dicks left.
Frank: Well..guess everyones on vacation
Brick walks out of the Dog and Handgun
Brick: VACATION??!??!?!?! EVERYONE!!! MERCENARIES!!! FRANK CALLS VACATION!!!!!
Dean leans out the window of the kebab shop
Frank blinks. The streets are empty and filled with dust clouds. Most buildings are now locked and boarded up. He breaths a deep sigh.
Frank: Well....guess i’ll go see Bob and Occy..For the next month..
Franks brain: Smart plan, jackass. A PMC raid and you lot are fucked for life.
Frank: Shut up, you!!
Franks brain: Fine....you fucking dunderhead
Frank walks off down the sandy street to ‘Boulevard Of Broken Dreams’ as the scene fades