Saturday, 21 February 2009

A Call To Arms

ATTN: Readers

This is a message from Author Phil. By the amount of comments I am getting I estimate there are around 5 people who read this parody, 2 of whom should actually be declared legally insane.

If you visit and read, PLEASE leave a comment on your thoughts, even if its just ‘This is shit’, I mean, I don’t care about your opinion if you don’t like it, BUT STILL! I don’t want to have to advertise on more sites again! Please! You can’t do this to me!

...Yeeeahhh..Anyway, COMMENT!

-Author Phil-


The mercenaries are huddled around the computer


Will: Its all your fault Frank!


Vince: Now now, lets not point fingers, its obvious we're all boring

Phil: Shut the fuck up Vince, if anyones boring its Jon

Jon: Me?!

Phil: Yeah, because you were supposed to be a bit player, but the piece of crap who wrote this fucking Journal entry forgot and cast you as a main guy!

Jon: hehe..alriiiiight

Steve: Guys..should we just let it go?


Steve: Like..stop doing this

Dave slaps Steve

Dave: We ain't gonna stop! We love this! Stop talking crazy gibberish!

Steve: Okies!

Frank: Anyway, I got a dead cert to make us more popular..


Frank: No--wait a minute, why is Bob twitching?

Sal: The lack of exposure made Octopus violently turn on him

Frank: Ouch

Dean: Kinky!


Brick: But, do continue Mr. Whiskey in the jar-O

Frank: A recruitment drive!!

Phil: Frank.

Frank: Phil.

Phil: Has anyone told you you're smart?

Frank grins.

Frank: No..why?

Phil: Because you're not. You're as dumb as a rock. That's awful! Whoc ould we possibly recruit?


A whirling graphic of Franks face spins into the screen and zooms out. When the room appears, the mercenaries are coughing in a cloud of plaster where Frank has just run out of a wall..which happens to be the outside wall to a building 2 stories up

Steve: FRANK!!

Frank: I'm fine!!

A loud crack is heard

Frank: My spine isn't though!

Vince: Lets just leave him

Billy: Aye!


In the middle of the Town Square, a small desk is set-up with Phil, Frank, Will, Brick, Steve, Bob, Dave, Sal and Billy sitting at it.

Phil: I can see we’re popular

Frank: I told you!

Will: Yeah, Look how many people showed up!

That Hispanic Guy, That Random Guy and Johan are sitting on a houses steps, drinking bottles of San Miguel. One person is standing there.

Sal: Well..may as well..FIRST!

A small, young man with brown hair walks forward, standing silently in front of the table

phil: Hello?


Frank: Are you alive?


Billy: Bitch.

The young man grabs Billys head and smashes it against the desk, knocking him out instantly. Billy crumbles to the ground, clutching his broken, bloodied nose

Phil: ....Ok, you're in Robbie!

Robbie: Thanks Phil!

Robbie walks behind the desk

Phil: Right, well, we’re done, aren’t we? That was it. So exciting. So freaking exciting.

Phil, Will and Steve stand up

Will: Well, we’re hopeless guys. Bye--

A shot goes off and a bullethole goes through Wills purple tribly, they all scream and dive under the table. Frank rolls over the table, readying his Desert Eagle


Frank grabs his walkie talkie

Frank: HQ! HQ!!

Silence. Sound of ringing. Receiver picked up

Dick: Hello, Lamb and Flag pub, any orders? Party requests?


Silence on receiver end.

Dick: Frank, we’re a pub, what are we supposed to do?

Frank: BACK-UP!!!

Dick: ....Yeeeahhh..bye.

He hangs up and Frank dances around, screaming


That Hispanic Guy and Johan snigger as they watch. Frank leans into his pocket and pulls out a huge conch

Billy: WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?

Frank takes a deep breath and blows into the conch, making the windows rattle. Sounds of yelling and rumbling. Karab, Dean, Jon, Bill, Billy, Jim, Jimmy, Obese Maurice, Moe the Midget, Dick Head, Bob, Laughing Octopus, Raging Raven, Screaming Mantis, Crying Wolf, Tavi and Vince rush out, carrying AKs and point them around the square

Sal: ....Well, we ain’t that bad!

The rest crawl out from under the table, looking around. Uneasy silence around the square

Frank: What is it?

Another shot goes off and hits the desk. Sound of guns being loaded and cocked. Phil walks over to an empty building and peers inside it

Phil: I got nothing..

Dave and Steve peer into another

Dave: Clear..

Silence. Sound of crawling across the sand.

Will: Anyone else hear that?

The mercenaries all look around.

Frank: I hate to do this....CHUCK!!!

A beam of light shoots down and Chuck Norris starts floating down to serene harp music. He opens his eyes and tilts his hat as he makes his way down

Norris: Hi guys.....What the hell is going on?

CHuck stops in mid-float and points, sending a shaft of light into a dark corner and revealing a small, short-haired woman, carrying a Colt .45, crawling across the sands

Norris: Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, I’LL BREAK YOUR NECK, FRANK!!!

He floats up quickly and the light disappears. Bob, Vince, Brick and Dean rush forward, pointing their guns at the crawling figure


The shape looks up at him and hisses. Brick screams and jumps into Vinces arms


Tavi and Wolf rush forward, standing in front of them

Tavi: STOP!!!!!

Silence. Mercenaries lower their guns

Bill: Uhh...why?

Wolf: Because this woman is a new recruit too! She is helping us run our new gun store, ReLoaded!


Frank: ...Gun store?

Wolf: Let me explain--

Sal: Please don’t. It’ll be boring.

Screaming Mantis: NOW! Go on Wolf, dear..explain

Wolf: Well, if you dicks actually paid attention, you would have noticed we demolished that useless 24/7 between the Dog and Handgun and Kebab Shop! We started work 2 weeks ago and finished it 3 days ago..ReLoaded! You see, you mercenaries are either armed with Desert Eagles or AKs...Good, but practically useless if the shit hits the fan! We organized shipments of MK. 17s, RPG-17s, MP5s,
Colt Single Action Armys, Magnum .357s and other technical pieces of shizzle!


Frank: Cool.

Tavi walks over to the woman and drags her up. The woman shakes sand out of her hair and waves

Woman: Helllllllllllllooooooooooooooooooo guysssssssssssssssssssssssss........


Bill: Uh...Hi?

Sal slaps Bill on the arm

Sal: No Bill! No talking to strangers!

Bill whines and hangs his head

Woman: My names...Courtney


Tavi: Knew that’d happen

Courtney: Oh...HI PHIL!

Dave: You know this woman?

Courtney: Yes...we know eachother quite well, right Phil?

Phil is on the floor, pounding the sand with his fists


Will: Special? You were in the same psychiatric wards?

Wolf scowls at Will, who shrugs. Dick wanders into the square and coughs. Several guns at point him and he raises his arms


Everyone turns their guns to Frank

Frank: Uhh...I mean..please and thank you..

Guns lowered.

Dick: Can we get back to the pub?

Screaming and roaring. Huge dust cloud.


Phil looks up at the huge black sign with red lettering ‘ReLoaded’.

Phil: Ahh..what the hell

He pulls out his collar and puts on a cheesy grin, walking towards the store and through the door. A bell rings in the murky depths of the shop, and Phil looks around, underwhelmed

Phil: I can see how they afforded it..

He leans over a glass gun case and traces his finger across a sign for a DSL-1 Magnum Sniper Rifle. The glass breaks beneath his finger.

Phil: Shit!

He grabs the pane of glass and pulls it up slightly, ramming it into the wooden side. The glass is now clearly off level, but Phil shrugs and looks at the ceiling. A tile falls off and hits him in the face. He yells out in pain and collapses, clutching his face. At that moment, Wolf rushes out, wearing denim overalls

Wolf: Welcome to ReLoaded! The store for the gunwhore! The---Phil?

Phils lying on the floor, motionless, clutching his face

Wolf: Phil?

Phil: ...Ouch.

Wolf flips open the counter and walks over to him, extending a hand. Phil takes it and she helps him up

Wolf: Ooo..a bleeder

Phil steps back, but Wolf waves it off

Wolf: Nah..joking, joking..

Phil:’ve moved out?

Wolf: ....No..not yet

Phil: Hm. Why not?

Wolf: Why do you care?

Phil cricks his neck

Phil: My mistake. Went too out of character for your liking.

Wolf sighs

Wolf: I’m sor--

Phil: Please..Wolf. If you’re going to do it to fool yourself, fine, just don’t apologize to me. I can see right through it. You know this is your best choice, that this relationship is a better choice.

Wolf: I suppose..

Phil: Dance around it all you want, but just know it won’t hurt my feelings

Wolf: Uhhh...

Phil: Soooo!! I’m looking for a rare pair of guns..

Wolf: They would be?

Phil: A pair of Colt Pythons..

Wolf leans under the desk and pulls out a huge book, scattering dust everywhere. Phil hacks wildly


Wolf: 2 days old. Dust under the desk is a bitch though


Wolf: Language...hmm..

Wolf keeps tracing her finger across the text and taps on something

Wolf: Colt Pythons? Times two?

Phil: Yeah.

Wolf: Steves Colt getting tiresome?

Phil: I need something for when the shit hits the fan. The AK couldn’t hit a fucking barn door.

Wolf: Well..what about Chuck?

Phil: We can’t always call on Norris! His awesome radiation is enough to make us melt!

Wolf: Well, surely he can hit that pesky barn door!

Phil: Nope

Wolf: ...Your mighty Norris can’t hit a barn door?

Phil: Nope....everytime he tries, the whole fucking barn just falls down

Wolf shakes her head and looks at the inventory

Wolf: Wow....uhh...yeah, we got a pair out back..

Phil: Show me the goods?

Wolf: Yeah..follow me

Phil: Why not just give them here?

Wolf: You’ll need to test them of our RPGs exploded last week in a test, and so did one of our ANs

Phil: How the fuck does an AN-94 assault rifle EXPLODE?!

Wolf: Popping candy gunpowder bullet..

Phil: ....Jesus..

Wolf: Come on slowcoach!

She flips open the counter and kicks open a door in the back. Phil follows her through into the shops backyard. He looks through the chainlink fence at Dick smoking a cigarette

Phil: Hey Dick..

Dick: Phil..Making sure those lot aren’t gonna light the Malibu on fire?

Phil turns to Wolf

Phil: Wolf? Did you set Malibu alight?

Wolf: Let it go, Dick! It was just a flamethrower malfunction!

Dick: That destroyed 100 quids worth of Malibu!!

Wolf: Well SOR-REE!!!

Dick flicks the cigarette butt into their yard and flips the bird, walking into the Lamb and Flags kitchen and shutting the door behind him

Wolf: C’mon..

They walk over to a pile of boxes covered by a khaki rag and she flips it off, pulling out a small wooden box and blowing dust and dirt off it, flicking open the lid and glancing inside it

Wolf: Whoops. Claymores.

She throws the box up and Phil screams, catching it as it lands


Wolf: mm...This one? Ah! Yes!

She grabs the Claymore box and sets it down, handing Phil the large box. Phil opens the lid and glances at the two nickel-plated Colt Pythons with black handles

Phil: some ammo?

Wolf: Yeah, thats in the store..

They turn around and the Lamb and Flags kitchen door bursts open. Obese Maurice flies out screaming, wearing a chefs hat and a lobster clamped to his nose


Moe rushes out and grabs a frying pan, throwing it at Maurices face. Maurice spins, screaming, and the pan hits the side of his head, knocking him out. Moe rushes over

Moe: Maurice?! You ok?

The lobster lets go off Maurices nose and charges at Moe. Moe screams and runs into the kitchen
Phil: Now THATS entertainment!

They walk into the store and Phil sets the guns on the counter. Wolf leans behind the counter

Wolf: How much ammo?

Phil: How much stops an army?

Wolf places 10 boxes on the counter

Phil: That’ll much?

Wolf: Two hundred and forty dollars..

Phil: ....Dollars?

Wolf: Dollars have a much higher demand on the war economy.

Phil: I thought that was Drebin Points?

Wolf: Dollars can buy a lot of stuff...SOP upgrades, guns..Much more than pounds..This little corner of heaven...This mercenary one of the few places left where they value the dollar apart from America

Phil: Shame...Uhh...Hnn..

Phil scrambles through his pockets and pulls out a handful of scrappy notes

Phil: This enough?

Wolf looks at the bundle and takes it, counting through the notes

Wolf: 60 dollars change..there

Phil: Cool! I got change in a currency I don’t use!

He takes the change and slips it into his back pocket

Wolf: going?

Phil: Aye..when you coming to pick your stuff up?

Wolf: Oh..soon

Phil: Yeah..gotcha..

Wolf: So...yeah

Phil: Yeah..

Wolf leans against a wooden beam on the wall and blows a raspberry

Wolf: Kiss for the road?

Phil: What?

Wolf: Well?

Phil looks at her uneasily

Phil: Uhh...sure?

Phil walks up to her, looks around and kisses her uneasily on the lips

Phil: Shit..this can’t go on..

Wolf grabs him by his collar, but Phil grabs her hands and takes them off his collar

Wolf: Phil?

Phil: Wolf...You made your bed, lie in it

Wolf: And if I still have feelings for you?

Phil: Lock them up and throw away the key.

Wolf: Why?

Phil: Don’t hurt Tavi. Don’t make things awkward for Courtney. Leave me be, will ya?

Wolf looks hurt and hangs her head

Wolf: Oh...Ok..

Phil counts out some notes and slaps them on the counter

Phil: A little something to get a drink with.

He shuts the door and Wolf slumps against a wall, rubbing her chin in deep thought. Tavi walks down from the upper flat and pokes her head through the door

Tavi: Hey, Wolf! It’s 9pm, you said you were gonna show us your tricks!

Wolf: OKIES!!

She bounces up after Tavi


Phil, Steve, Frank, Sal, Billy, Dick and Bob sit on a table in the otherwise-empty Lamb and Flag at 3 in the afternoon. Dick watches them, boredly as they drink and talk

Bob: So...Robbies the only recruit so far....We need more...

Dick: Why? Haven’t you lot got enough to go on with?

Frank: Yes..but we need specialist guys..

Sal: You mean like dyslexics and Downs?

Vince: He means specialist areas of war, not special education you fucking prick..

Frank: Robbies another soldier....We already have our Tech guy, thats Steve

Steve: Yeah yeah! ME!! ME!!

Phil: Ironic the one who loves lamp should get that one..

Steve: It’s not just lamp..the toasters alright too..But I made that funny swirly thingy!

Phil: Yeah...Steve actually made a nuclear isotope once

Billy: Really?

Phil: Yeah! There was a barrel of nuclear waste dumped on our doorstep, I go out to find someone to dump it on, and I come back and Steves crafted dozens of isotopes! How do you think we get our power after the Halloween fiasco?

Dick shivers and Frank pats his back

Frank: Steves the tech guy, Phils my second in command

Phil: Fo shizzle, bitches

Frank: Daves the 3rd in command. Bobs the map co-ordinator

Bob: You need me, do not lie!

Frank: Wills the spy. Deans the chef..most important, and he shoots like a pro. Bills our strategist..very useful. Billys the sniper

Billy: I’m a not even fuck with me at a distance!

Frank: Sals the back-up leader..

Phil: I thought I was the second-in-command?

Frank: Yes..but Sals the back-up leader and my right-hand man

Sal: Yup

Phil: Fuckin’ butthead..

Frank: Vince is the construction analyst . Bricks our driver and pilot. Johan, Bobby, *Beep*, *Beep* and *Beeep* are our mechanics and Moes our scout.....We need a pyrotechnic, a heavy weapons specialist, a master interrogator and a Medic

Billy: Quite a lot, then

Frank: It’s only 4..and i’m sure more vacancies will open up as we go

Phil: Why don’t we find a recruitment officer?

Frank: That’s 5.

Phil: Why don’t we try and find Coach Lynch?

Sal: NO!!!

Frank: Our barracks are miles away somewhere in the Sahara...And I doubt Coach Lynch would be up for the trip

Phil: Yeah..he dumped us in Chechnya for a training mission, and only called us after 5 days and when we were in Bolivia to say ‘Go back to the desert. A man will give you directions to the base’
Sal: You forgot ‘Good luck, you fucknuts’

Phil: Yeahhhh..

Dick: Well..good luck you’s almost opening time here, and i’m gonna have to chuck you all out

Bob: Uhhh..why?

Dick: It keeps with the mystique!!.....Besides, people are already intimidated when they see Frank here in the speed of light. So bugger off or i’ll get the dogs on ya!

They scramble up and file out of the door, mumbling to themselves


As night rolled in, the mercenaries had left their homes in look of a quick fix of a pint before the mass meeting in the town square that night. Sal catches up with Frank and Dave as they walk to the Lamb and Flag

Sal: Got your speech ready, Boss Hog?

Frank: Aye..gonna rally up the troops

Samoa Joe walks past

Joe: Good luck.

Frank: Thanks Joe..

Joe: You’ll never be as good as me at getting a emotive reaction though.

Frank: Keep bragging, Joe!

Shelley and Sabin drive by on a motorcycle and Laughing Octopus and Bob walk past them

Dave: Taking the lass out for a drink, Bob?

Bob: We don’t go out ’for a pint’..I’m taking her to Shady Acres Carvery..

Frank: Wow..pretty upscale Bob

Bob: Yes...the last few civilized mercenaries are there..

Octopus: And its difficult finding them!

Sal: Mmm...Well, have fun..

Bob and Octopus walk off and Sal cups his hands around his mouth


Bob turns around and takes off his shoe, hurling it at Sal. It hits him in his forehead and knocks him out cold. Bob walks over, grabs his shoe and slips it on

Bob: Cocksucking little fucking ass cockwank..

Dave: Oh! Bob! Language for t’lady!

Bob flips the bird and catches up to Octopus as Frank and Dave snigger. Frank looks around and watches as Karab unlocks the kebab shop door and opens it, and watches as Brick unlocks the door of the Dog and Handgun

Brick: Come in! Come in perverts and drunkards!

Jimmy, Sal, Vince, Bobby, Johan, Jim and Bill all rush in

Mr. Monypennies: You should go into advertissle my nizzy!

Brick: One day, snake dude!

Frank: Hey...there’s Steve..

He watches as Steve hops onto Wolfs back as her and Tavi walk towards The Lamb And Flag

Frank: Where’s Phil?

Phil sits on a set of stairs, leaning back.

Phil: And so they march off to liqour...I just can’t be fucked dealing with Wolf....Damn horny demon...

He puts a cigar into his mouth and pats in his pockets. A leather gloved hand comes from nowhere with a zippo, lighting it for him

phil: Thanks.........Wait.

Phil stands up and points his Glock at the new figure, but the figure slaps the gun out of his hand and points at him

Figure: Still twitchy, ey? No different from last time I left ya!


Phil: Jericho?! Jericho Kingston?!

Jericho steps back into the street lamps light, wearing a white shirt, black tie, long brown trenchcoat, leather shoes and black dress pants and shaggy brown hair

Jericho: The very same who saved your ass in Bolivia from those fucking Purve Armsment!

Phil: Pieuvre Armament.

Jericho: Fuck off you git.

Phil: Still angry, I see, killed your counseller again?

Jericho: We had a misunderstanding about how much I was paying him!

Phil: Call the police and don’t kneecap the bastard!

Jericho shrugs

Phil: Fuck...good to see you..We were just looking for recruits--

Jericho: Thats why I came, to sign up.

Phil: ...How do you know?

Jericho: I heard Frank Daniels conch. Bastard still drinking?

Phil: Drinking? He’s pickling slowly.

Jericho: Same--

Phil: Old

Jericho: Same--

Phil: Old....Fuck man, I thought you’d died

Jericho: Nope, after I left your crappy little training unit of Mercs I became a hitman for hire...Killed a few people, got some money, set up house in Bolivia..and here we are. Decided not to let all that training go to waste

Phil: Amazing..

Jericho: Yup...then I was a star member of the Bolivian Police Force, before hearing a conch a few hours ago and hopping on the first ManCannon outta there!

Phil: You have MANCANNONS THERE??!!?!

Jericho: Every place has them since Ocelot raised his demands for a ManCannon in every city. Apparently, he loves the feel of wind in his hair

Phil: This is just fucking weird..

Jericho claps his hands together

Jericho: Soo....Lamb and Flag still open?

Phil: Yup

Jericho: Damn! I thought they closed it after Mark got decapitated by that rogue ceiling fan!

Phil: Yeeahh...Well, popular demand!

Jericho: Dick still own it?

Phil: Yup!

Jericho rubs his eyes and shakes his head

Jericho: Good.. I need a drink..That ManCannon takes a lot outta ya..

Phil: Follow me

They both walk into the streets and towards the Lamb and Flag. Wolf looks back at them as she enters the Lamb and Flag and wolf-whistles

Wolf: Hello Sexies!

Jericho slicks his hair, pointing at her and winking before looking at Phil

Jericho: Who’s the hot piece of ass?

Phil: Remember when we spied on that Unit in Chechnya? The robotic Wolf, Octopus, large floating thingy and the bird?

Jericho: Those insane fucknuts, yeah..

Phil: You just hit on the Wolf.

Jericho stops and faints, falling on his face. Morello runs across and points at him

Morello: BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Morello runs off


Phil opens the door of the Lamb And Flag and coughs loudly. Silence.

Phil: Frank!

Frank looks at him from his, That Hispanic Guy, Will and Ravens table

Phil: I present to you the The Isis of Interrogation! The Sultan of Sadism! The old school is cool...Jericho Kingston!

Jericho slowly slumps into the light, smoking a cigar. Everyone stares. He blows out a stream of smoke and looks around

Jerico: Well, it actually looks like there’s some fucking hope for these mercenaries!


Phil: I think they’re surprised..

Jericho: Or your flies open..

Phil looks down

Phil: Nope, hangar doors latched...but I do see your point

Jericho: Shit, is it showing? That why they’re silent?

He looks and frowns before looking up and nodding

Jericho: Ah! I see your point!

Phil: .....Is it showing?

Phil looks down before looking at Jericho

Phil: Nope, all zipped up...Ah! I see your point!

Jericho looks down and sniggers

Jericho ..Ah-Ah..I see your point..

Phil: Is it show--


Jericho: No! But its a long story and my mouth don’t open that way til we batten down the hatches and slip some Carling in!

The bar returns to normal and Phil and Jericho walk in, sitting at Franks table

Will: So...Jericho Kingston..

Raging Raven looks at him, slightly confused

Jericho: So..Will. Settled down?

Will: No....relationship though...

Jericho: ....I need that drink!!

Dick rushes over and puts a pint of Carling in front of Jericho

Dick: Welcome back, old-timer

Jericho: Thanks Dick! Keeping safe and well, I see?

Dick: Hose behind the bar and a shotgun in the tip box!

Jericho: Fucking old-school!

Will: How ae you even still alive?

Jericho: I traveled all this way, I’ll be asking the questions, William....This your bird?

Phil , Frank and That Hispanic Guy snigger

Jericho: What?

Raven: Oh...the irony

Phil: Remember the Unit in Chechnya?

Jericho blinks rapidly

Jericho: Don’t tell this is...Raving Raven?

Raven: RAGING Raven...

Jericho simply stares and shakes his head

Jericho: The logic outstanding..

Phil: Hey! She’s very good at divebombing!

Will: And the naughty type!

That Hispanic Guy: Too much information.

Phil: And to avoid any other nasty surprises...Bob got the Octopus, and Franks with the huge floating Mantis..

Jericho winces and looks at him

Jericho: You could’ve broken me in gradually!

Phil: This ain’t a fucking yellow-belly unit Jericho..We adapt to the environment, hunt like snakes..and ravens..and octopi..and mantis’s...and wolves..and foxes..and--

Jericho: I..think I get the jist

Jericho looks around before turning back

Jericho: Is that Lemmy Kilmister arm-wrestling AJ Styles?

Will: There is a very reasonable explanation...but we must shovel Carling into your body before we tell you! DICK! More drinkies for the drunky!

Dick rushes over and sets down a whole tray of pints on the table

Wolf: So thats Jericho Kingston?

Wolf looks over at their table from hers, Tavis and Courtneys

Courtney: Jeriwho?

Wolf: Phil was telling me...Kingston was the key interrogator of the training unit..apparently killed a guy with a sledgehammer and thumbtacks just trying to get the location of a pizza place..

Courtney: .....Did they get the info?

Wolf: I dunno...But Kingstons apparently very violent, a heavy drinker, a chain smoker and sometimes incredibly suicidal to the point of kamikaze tendencies..

Courtney: I can see how Phil and him used to be best of friends then..

Wolf: Yeah..Of course, I saw the pictures..What a moustache Phil has when you leave him in the jungle for a few weeks..

Tavi: Moustache?

Wolf: I’m using it as an anti-thief mechanism at ReLoaded...I nicknamed it ‘The Handlebars Of Justice’

Tavi: This I gotta see..

Lemmy slams Styles hand to the table and raises his arms

Lemmy: Winner again!

Styles: Damn Lemmy...

Fedor Emalanienko: Give up Styles. Lemmy is much better than you.

Styles: One day Lemmy!

Lemmy: You’ll what? Make me use effort?

The huge gang member from Tijuanas prison walks in. Silence.

Gang member: Where is *Beep*?

That Hispanic Guy stands up and motions for him to walk over. Everyone watches as this gargantuan gang member walks over to the table and slowly sits down beside That Hispanic Guy
That Hispanic Guy: Our newest recruit, Frank!

Frank stares up at the 7-footer

Frank: ...Uhhh...

That Hispanic Guy: I shall call him..Mega-Me.

The gang member nods and folds his arms. Frank simply keeps staring up at him

Frank: Uhh..does he have a...well..talent?

The gang member grabs a spare stool and simply crushes it up like its a piece of paper, throwing it down.

Dave: Psh. Anyone could do that..

The gang member grabs the stool and unfurls it. That Hispanic Guy hands him a screwdriver and, within a few seconds, hands Frank a Missile Launcher. Frank takes it, wide-eyed

Frank: YOU’RE IN!!!

Gang Member: Sweet.

Frank: Does he have a name?

Gang Member: Stoofer.

Frank:, seriously

Gang Member: My name is Stoofer Enrigue. Do not make fun of the name or you will have that Missile Launcher inside you with a 5 second missile delay.


Frank: Welcome to the mercenaries, Stoofer!!

Silence. Bar slowly raises their glasses

Bar: Welcome Stoofer!

Stoofer: Thank you all for welcoming me. I look forward to this wondrous place being the place of my rehab.

That Hispanic Guy nudges Frank

That Hispanic Guy: Y’SEE!!! I got one! I hired a good merc! Beat that Frank!

Frank: I’ll’ll see..

Phil: All we need now is a medic and a pyrotechnic!

Steve leans over

Steve: Big boom?

Phil; No! Bad Steve! You be gadget man!

Steve: So I can wears cape?

Phil: No Steve. No cape.

Steve: Awww...

Frank: Where the hell do we find a pyrotechnic..

Frank looks over at Shamrocks, Coutures, Emalanienkos, Andrei Arlovskis and Dan Severns table. Emelanienko cracks his knuckles and shakes his head slowly

Frank: Ah, can’t blame a guy for trying..

Will: How about we just give it up and roll into battle with MY GUNS?!

Will flexes dramatically

Jericho: You truly are pathetic..

Will: Shut up! You’ve only returned, you’re opinion is like shit!

Jericho stands up and so does Raven. Couture shifts his chair

Couture: Ooo..a fight!

Jericho: Look, fight is with the cunt there, NOT you..

Raven: You touch one single hair on his head and i’ll break your arm

Phil slowly stands up with a swagger

Phil: And if you touch 2 hairs on his head, i’ll tear your arm off..

Raven cracks her knuckles and grins

Raven: I think I like those odds..

Phil: Well..I think I hate them, so this is your fight Jericho

Jericho: Thanks Phil, you fucking coward

Phil: Tactical retreat, Jerry.

Tavi: Can’t you just settle it down? Is there really a need for violence?

Bar: Yes.

Tavi stands up and grabs her denim jacket

Tavi: Fine..we’re leaving!

Wolf: We?

Tavi: C’mon babe..

Wolf stands up and follows Tavi out. Courtney simply sits there, staring. Wolf rushes in, grabs her arm and drags her out

Dick: Look, if you’re gonna be a violent, i’ll get the hose!

Maurice runs out, carrying a length of red hose over his shoulder


Dick: No...Maur...That wasn’t the cue..

Maurice: ....Oh.


Will: Just sit down, it’s embarassing

Jericho and Raven slowly sit down

Jericho: YOU’RE embarassing..

Stoofer: Let us be peaceful men. The real battle lies out in the wastes.

That Hispanic Guy: Clear thinking , Stoofer. Very good.

Frank: We need some help..Where the hell am I gonna find mercenaries?

Phil slams the table

Phil: I’ll go to the fucking Academy and pick up some young bloods just for you to shut the fuck up!

Frank: No no no...I must do this myself..

Phil sighs and rests his head in his arms

That Hispanic Guy: Look, Frank, you embarassment. At least go out and TRY

Frank: Gimme a sec..I gotta think criteria

Will: Jesus Frank. You’ll never get another of me. Stop looking for a Ferrari when you’re targets a Volkswagen!

That Hispanic Guy: Maricon has a point.

Frank: OK!!! we got Robbie, Stoofer and Jericho..I need some old guard like Jericho..but the question is, where would a man as insane as Jericho and as angry be, assuming they’re arriving because of the conch..The academys too far away to get

Franks brain: Shut up you idiot. I’ll figure this out. Try ReLoaded. Simple as that you stupid asshole.

Frank: Later Dick. I’m gonna go down to ReLoaded.

That Hispanic Guy: Oh! It's on puto! I bet you can’t hire a mercenary!

Frank: Whatever.

Phil makes a chicken noise and Jericho flaps his arms, cauding the bar to laugh. Frank growls and slams down a £10 note

Frank: Bets on, ya bastard!!

That Hispanic Guy grins and slaps his back

That Hispanic Guy: Please..go make a fool of yourself!

Frank: Haha..I intend to

Frank smirks and walks out

That Random Guy: Can we insult him for that?

Bobby watches Frank leave from his and Johans table

Bobby: I..don’t know


Frank walks down the lamp-lit street and looks around, reaching into his pocket for a cigar as he stops outside the Dog and Handgun

Frank: Where could I find a recruit?

Brick walks outside the Dog and Handgun, wearing only a red velvet dressing gown and white socks

Frank: Hey, Hugh, any new mercenaries in there?

Brick: Nope, now walk on drunky, you’re scaring the customers

Frank looks into the club

Frank: Jimmy, Sal, Vince, Bobby, Johan, Jim, and Bill...that’s all...

Brick: Your smell is scaring Bill and Sal. Walk on!

Frank flips the bird and walks down the street, looking up at the star-speckled sky

Frank: Give me a sign..

Voice: IT GO KABOOM!!!!!

Frank stares around, wide-eyed

Frank: If that was God, I am so gonna be scared

A huge explosion lights up ReLoaded from its backyard, and a loud cackling is heard from it


Frank: Ok, this I gotta see!

Frank quickly breaks into a run and runs back past the Lamb and Flag and to ReLoaded. He skids to a halt on his heels and flings the door open

Frank: Hello?!

Tavi walks in, brushing soot off herself

Tavi: Oh! Hello Frank..come to see what the commotion is?

Frank: YES!!

The back door flies open and one hinge snaps. A bald man with wild stubble growing across his face appears, wearing a blast vest, desert camouflage cargo pants and black army boots. A scar is slashed across his white left eye, while his right eye is a violent shade of blue. He twitches slightly and looks at Frank

Man: Fra-a-a-a-a--nk!!! OH MY GOD!! YOU!!

Frank looks around

Frank: Uhhh...


Frank: ....Oh..shit.


Wolf bounds in, extinguishing her lit eyebrows

Wolf: He’s so fun! He came in here wanting to see where the conch noise came from, and wanted several hundred pounds of dynamite too!

Ivan: We make kaboom?!

Wolf: Yes we did IVAN!!!


Franks brain: You were right. You will be a laughing stock.

Frank: So..Ivan..what happened?

Ivan twitches wildly and grabs a syringe from his belt, stabbing it into his neck. His breathing slows and his neck stops twitching before he stands straight, looking at Frank

Ivan: Vell..Despite staying in Gersky Oblansk after we destroyed the power plant..I decided to move on...You know..get some contracts..I wandered the land, detonating things for my contractors..then, one day, I got an order to demolish a nuclear power plant.......Sniffed in too hard..Now the atoms are playing crazy vith my brain..

Frank: Not like you were sane to being with

Ivan: Vell...shit happened..And I heard your conch..So I hopped onto the ManCannon in Moscow and shot vight over here..Decided to come back to the unit vich served me so vell..

Frank: Welcome back to the Mercenaries..

Ivan: Awesome! ve have a name?

Tavi: No...we’re just called the Mercenaries..

Ivan: Alvight..

Frank: Coupled with Brick..we’ll blow buildings down in seconds!

Ivan: So, the old gang is still here?

Frank: Most..Bob, Dave, Will, Sal, Billy, Brick, Dean...the works

Ivan: Awesome..oops, medications wearing out

Ivan twitches and cackles loudly

Ivan: I WILL MAKE THINGS GO KABOOM FOR FRANK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Frank screams

Frank: NO!!! No no no no no!!! That’s our base of operations!

Ivan: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! It no go boom!!

Franks brain: I like this guy. I got it right, eh drunky?

Frank slaps his temple and his brain screams


Frank kicks open the door of the Lamb and Flag. It’s empty except for Sabin, Shelley, Phil, Jericho, That Hispanic Guy, Obese Maurice, Moe The Midget Lemmy and Bobby sitting around a table, playing poker. Dick looks up from wiping the bar

Dick: Yes..

Frank: I told you *Beep*!!! I got a recruit!!

That Hispanic Guy looks up

That Hispanic Guy: This I gotta see!!

Frank: Gentlemen..I present....CRAZY IVAN!!!

Jericho and Phil look back in amazement

Jericho and Phil: Y’what?!

Ivan steps into view, twitching madly


Jericho: Hey, look, he finally snapped

Sabin: Uhhh..who’s the nutcase who belongs in a locked asylum?

Frank: Ivan Hellgenstrand!! Now known as Crazy old guy from the Academy who left us when we left Chechnya..Our demolitions expert--


Frank: Yes, and I will.


Phil: Well..has he still got the old spark?

Frank: I suppose so, yes..

Jericho: We ain’t fixing for supposing, Frank..

That Hispanic Guy: I bet he cuts through buildings like a knife through butter!

Phil: Now we need a medic..

Frank: Already found one.

Phil: Oh yeah, who?

Frank steps to the side and Tavi walks into view

Tavi: Hi!


Phil: If my arm was cut off, how would--

Tavi: Ice the wound to cut blood flow, grab some leeches and a hot iron, stick it on the stump, use the iron to help seal the wound, sew the arm back on, and attach leeches to help blood flow start, using hot stones to measure pain reaction to make sure it isn’t lost!

Silence. Tavi grins and bounces slightly.

Phil: Welcome to the Mercs..

Everyone turns to Phil. Even Tavi.

Phil: Look, She knows her stuff, and we need a good Medic..sounds like she can handle her own..

Jericho smells Phils breath

Jericho: Pickled like an egg.

Phil: I..still have some sense..and it’s saying..yes..Tavi should be the medic...As long as she doesn’t try and pounce any of us..

Tavi: Deal...only if Wolf and Courtney tag along!

Frank: Deal.

Phil: I’m tattooing a target to my chest then.

Jericho: Hey..that Wolfs pretty psycho..and this Courtney...I dunno, i’m siding with Frank anyway.

Phil: Thanks, you dick!

Jericho: That’s me.

Frank: So..we got our recruits..I guess..You guys can vacation..


All: Vacation?

Frank: Yes..I guess i’ll blow the conch when I need you fun..


Phil: Frank...honestly?

Frank: I...don’t see what harm can come of it. Rested mercenaries are killer merc--

He blinks and the whole bar is empty. He looks beside him: Tavi and Ivan are gone. Dick is simply standing there, polishing a glass

Dick: Gone, gone, gone..

Frank: So..what now, Dick?....Dick?
He blinks. The doors are locked and the lights are out. He shakes his head and looks into the window of the Lamb and Flag. Dicks left.

Frank: Well..guess everyones on vacation

Brick walks out of the Dog and Handgun


Dean leans out the window of the kebab shop

Dean: VACATION!!!!!

Frank blinks. The streets are empty and filled with dust clouds. Most buildings are now locked and boarded up. He breaths a deep sigh.

Frank: Well....guess i’ll go see Bob and Occy..For the next month..

Franks brain: Smart plan, jackass. A PMC raid and you lot are fucked for life.

Frank: Shut up, you!!

Franks brain: fucking dunderhead

Frank walks off down the sandy street to ‘Boulevard Of Broken Dreams’ as the scene fades