Friday, 31 October 2008

Metal Gear Mercenaries - Halloween Hijinx

Ahh..Halloween..A time of year to be scared, drink til you puke, have sex dressed in funny costumes and carve pumpkins. Our mercenaries will be too, right?

Uhh..yeah. Well, may as well keep with the holiday spirit!

They’ll wish.


The inside of the bar was silent. desolate. Dick liked it that way. Halloween meant he kept the Lamb and Flag closed, and so did Al next door with his Half Moon. But at 8pm, the doors would open, and the bar would fill thanks to the amount of insane people wanting booze. The rooms upstairs were filled with customers at the Inn. Dick fiddled with the keys on his waist. The hand clicked into place. The cuckoo rang out.

This was it.

Putting in some fake fangs and fastening his cape. Walking across the wooden slatted floor. Dick slipped the key into the lock.

The click carried for miles.

-Will, Frank, Dave, Bobs and Octopuses-

Dave was busy carving a pumpkin with a Bowie Knife as Bob and Octopus put up fake skeletons

Frank: Did you hear that?

Dave: Hear what?

Frank sat up in the couch, sniffing the air

Frank: FIRST ORDERS!!!!!!!

Bob walks into the room

Bob: Is everything ok Fra--

A huge cloud of dust appears where Frank used to be, the door with a huge Frank-shaped hole in it

Bob: Oh.

Will walks in, wearing an afro and handlebar moustache with a purple hat with a pink feather a velvet suit and purple leather shoes

Will: Anyone else find it weird he can smell bars from a mile away?

Dave: To his defence, he can smell booze from 4 miles away

Bob hops down from the ladder

Bob: Hey! Will! Dressing up for Halloween?

Will: It’s Halloween?

-At the Chop Shop-

That Random Guy throws off his mask and runs into the sliding door.

That Other Random Guy: *Beep*, you take any more brain damage, we'll be putting you in a wheelchair and calling you Uncle Cabbage.

That Random Guy: The Lamb And orders..

A wave of screaming and rumbling is heard as all the burly mechanics stampede over That Random Guy and literally through the door, leaving That Random Guy with footprints all over him

That Random Guy:

That Hispanic Guy takes off his mask and walks over to him

That Hispanic Guy: I’m gonna go put a costume on, you better to ese

He walks upstairs

That Random Guy: ...Bastard...

That Hispanic Guy: LANGUAGE!

That Random Guy: El Bastardo..

That Hispanic Guy: Better.

Johan walks down carrying an executioners axe and wearing a large black hood, baggy black pants and sandals

That Random Guy: Nice..costume..

Johan: Costume?

-In the Warzone-

The enraged fighting comes to a halt in the Middle East. Several mercenaries huddled behind sandbags stand up and adjust their pants

Brick: Same time next week guys?

Several PMCs stand up and throw their rifles down

Raven Sword PMC:: Yup..Lamb and Flag? Halloween Party?

Jon: Nah, I heard they opened up the Dog and Handgun next to it.

Pieuvre Armament PMC: Really? I heard that place got closed after the annual namesake tournament, they ever find Joeys body?

Jimmy: No, the dog got him first

Raven Sword PMC: Ah...oh well, Dog and Handgun it is!!! Hey, that place still a stripclub?

Brick: OH YEAH!!

As they get ready to run, Jimmy whistles

Jimmy: Its Halloween! Costumes guys! Costumes!

They all look around, only for Billy to smash a pumpkin onto Jimmys head. Jimmy runs around with muffled screaming, clawing at the pumpkin. A PMC randomly throws a skeleton onto their sandbags

Pieuvre Armament PMC: Well, decorations done! LETS ROCK!

The PMCs and Mercenary Extras run off down the street


Dick, Al and the Dog and Handgun barkeep, Bill, all watched down the street. Sure enough, a huge dust cloud started gathering. Al was wearing a Spiderman costume minus the mask, and Bill was dressed as a mad scientist


Al runs into his bar and Dick runs into his. Bill watches as the cloud inches closer. He rings the bell.


Screaming is heard and Bill runs in as the Bar Alley is overtaken by a gigantic dust cloud


With the pubs open, the night crawling in and our mercenariues leaving all dignity behind, we see what truly happens on a Hallows Eve. How are the mercenary extras doing after being left behind to fight in the Middle East? Will Brick live up to his name? What will Steve do to nearly kill Phil this time? Will Sal order the steak or the surf and turf? Will Frank stay sober?
An adventure awaits..(No getting your money back for it)


As Friday Night settles in, the local strip-club/pub that is the re-opened Dog and Handgun is hustling and bustling. We see Phil, Steve, Brick, Billy and Jim sitting at the bar. Phil, wearing woodland facepaint, woodland camouflage and a green beret, has his head in his arms. Steve, wearing a latex catsuit, is staring ahead lifelessly. Brick, wearing a banana suit, is picking his bellybutton for fluff while Billy, dressed in a kilt, sporran and tartan, otherwise naked, is on the floor in a pile of booze and vomit.

Jim: Wow, so this is what it's like to be involved in the plot?

Phil looks up for a moment, looks at his watch and nods before resting his head in his arms again.
Steve: Everythings perfect!

Jim: If this is perfect, I wanna see awful

Steve points at Billy, who's giggling in his sleep

Brick: Wow. That guy is Frank version 2!

Phil: That wouldn't work, Billys drunk, Franks pickled.

Jim: Well, I came to see some girls.

Jim walks over to the stage where an Asian woman is poledancing. He grins and sits in a purple cushioned chair next to Jon, Jimmy, Sal, dressed as a basketball player and Vince, dressed as Mr T complete with shaved mohawk and gold chains stolen off bodies

Jim: Ahh...this is the life!

Sal stares ahead and reaches into his pocket manically, holding up a bundle of cash


Jon: Damn, how'd you get that much?

Sal: Because we're at Shadow Moses! We get paid!

Jon: Bastard..

Jon opens his pocket and a moth flies out. It tackles him by the face and he falls out of his chair, screaming. The asian woman takes her bra off and Sal gives a girly scream


Sal passes out and Brick simply stares

Brick: Now THIS is art

Jon: No it isn't, it's nudity! Shameless nudity...I LOVE IT!

Jim: Yup..babes, boobs and beer..what more could a guy ask for?

A man bumps into Phils arm. He turns to Jim and grins

Phil: For this.

He stands up and taps the mans shoulder. The man turns around

Man: Yeah?

Phil: Excuse me, but you bumped into me, and I think you owe me an apology

Man: Fuck you

Phil grins and punches the man in the face. The bar turns into total anarchy. Sal walks onto the stage and dances with the Asian woman. Steve pulls out a hand grenade

Vince: Steve? Where the hell did you get a hand grenade?!

Steve: My pants!

Vince: O--Steve! Right!

Steve turns to his right and pulls the pin off the grenade


Steve looks down at the grenade

Steve: .....Oh

Steve shoves it in a mans mouth and Vince grabs him, throwing him outside as a huge explosion lights up the darkness

Bill: BAR FIGHT!!!

A man charges at Brick. Brick stands up and throws him, the man spins dramatically in the air and flies into the stacked bottles behind the bar, screaming. Ed stands up and growls at a man. The man slaps him, and Ed simply throws him up through the roof. Sal turns to the dancer

Sal: How ya doing?

The woman punches him and Sal flies into the opposite wall, putting a hole in it. A drunk man stumbles at Phil with a bottle. Phil takes the bottle and smashes it over his head.

Drunk man: MAH HOOCH!!

Phil shrugs and does a dramatic roundhouse kick, sending the man into a triple spin in the air before landing with his head the opposite way around. Billy stumbles up.

Billy: Ish it a barfoight?!

A man laughs and walks towards Billy, Billy grabs his arm and turns his hand to face the mans face, jabbing his eyes


Billy throws the man up and he latches onto the fan, spinning around at high speed. Bill runs over to the jukebox, ducking to avoid a man Jimmy has hurled through the nearby window, and plays 'Snakecharmer' by Rage Against The machine. This signals an appearance by Tom Morello
Morello: You called?

A man runs at Morello with a switchblade. Morello stares at the man and the man sets alight, making him run around and scream. Steve and Phil bump back-to-back, Steve clutches his trusty trident while Phil grasps at a photo of Crying Wolf half-naked and covered in blackberry jam

Phil: Steve, where'd you get the trident?!

Steve: Phil where'd you get the photo?!

Phil: You can't hold it against me! I was making toast and she was horny!

Steve: To your left!

A man approaches Phil and he shows him the photo, the man screams and explodes into a million dusty particles.

Phil: To your right!!!

Steve jabs the trident into the mans chest and kills him instantly

Steve: :D

Morello starts to wade through the bodies and Jonathon stands up dangerously, his size dwarfing Morello, he taps Morello on the shoulder.

Morello: Yeah?

Jonathon smiles and holds it a pad and a pen

Jonathon: Can I have your autograph?

Morello: Sure!!

Morello goes to write his autograph, but the pen is out of ink

Morello: Got another pen?

Jonathon takes the pen and shoves it into the jugular of an advancing drunk who dies instantly.

Jonathon hands him the pen

Jonathon: Just make it out to Jonathon, a fan since the beginning!

Phil and Brick double-headbutt a drunk and throw him to the floor. Steve is busy stabbing at a man on the floor. Sal manages to stand up as two men advance at him

Man: Time to die bitch!

Sal pulls out a basketball and throws it at one of the men, putting it through him, the basketballl rebounds and it decapaitates the other man

Sal: :D

Vince grabs a man and impales him on a broken stool. Ed goes one better and impales a drunk on Vince

Vince: ...Ewww...

A man throws a makeshift fireball of fiery sponge at Jim. Jim bends backwards, falling slowly, the camera rotates and Jim keeps bending, but the fireball lands on his crotch, setting it alight. A man grabs Billy around the throat, but Billy headbutts him and lifts his kilt, causing the man to spontaneously combust


Zack De La Rocha wanders in, dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow, and pulls out a cutlass

De La Rocha: Morello! Why aren’t you dressed up?!

Morello was busy brawling with a drunk who had him in a headlock


A man wanders by on fire

Man: he’s right

The man crumbles into ashes as Rocha wanders in. A man wanders up to him and slaps him, Rocha shrugs and smacks him with his dreadlocks, slicing him in 3

Rocha: HAHA!!

Phil walks forward, drinking a pint



The Beauty and the Beast Unit walk down the street, wearing their black latex catsuits, high heels and carrying whips.. They stop momentarily outside the Dog and Handgun, staring at the charred, still burning body of a man roasting on the doorstep

Screaming Mantis: They actually opened it?

'Bulls on Parade' turns up to 50db inside the bar. Phil flies out of the window and lands at their feet


Phil: I thought it would be funny.

Mantis: It’s Halloween, Wolf.

Mantis sighs


Phil: Duck.

Raging Raven: Wha--

Billy is thrown out of the top window, they duck and he flies into the oppsoite house

Billy: Hellooooo--

Billy is thrown out of that houses broken window and through the broken window back into the Dog and Handgun

Screaming Mantis: We'll just leave..

Crying Wolf: NO! I'm not leaving him!

Tom Morello walks out dramatically and kneels by Phil

Morello: Phil..come back in, the beer needs drinking and the non-mercenaries, non-characters and non-cameos need throwing out

Phil stands up, seemingly instantly healed

Phil: Let's rock.

They watch as Morello and Phil run back into the bar, an explosion lighting them up and sending Brick out of the window in a fiery blaze. He screams and rolls on the sand before putting out the flames and lying their hissing in smoke

Brick: Ooo...warm

Raging Raven shakes her head and they walk down the street

-The Lamb and Flag-

The pub rocks as another explosion cascades from the Dog and Handgun. Dick has to grasp onto the bar to stop from falling

Dick: JESUS!!

Jesus Christ: You called?

The whole bar goes silent and turns to face the saviour

Bar: O___O

Jesus Christ: Even the almighty needs a break..I thank you for your accomodation..

Jesus Christ vanishes into a white haze and Moe the Midget patters across the floor, dressed as a ninja

Moe: Oi! Dick!

Dick: What?

Moe: I heard rumours that the Half Moon is holding a mudwrestling competition!!

Dave, dressed as Scarface with hawaiian shirt and all, walks up to the bar

Dave: Oh please, the Beauty and the Beast Unit are here, how good could it be?

A muddy, speedo-wearing Will, still wearing an afro and handlebar moustache, flies through the window, mud sticking to him. He stands up and half the bar faints.

Will: You faint cause I am sexy!!

A muddy, spandex-shorts wearing Raven Sword PMC flies through the window too. This causes most of the bar to faint

Raven Sword PMC: Is it cause i'm sexy?

Moe: Gawd, you're ugly dude! CAPITAL U! CAPITAL G! CAPITAL L-Y!

The Raven Sword PMC grabs Moe and lifts him up, but Moe kicks him in the head before hopping down and headbutting his crotch. The PMC collapses instantly and half the bar start getting up

Samoa Joe: I had a terrible nightmare!!

Kurt Angle: Me toooo...

Bob: Same..OH GOD!!

Will stands there with his hands on his hips

Will: Take a picture, it'll last longer

Dave: So does brain damage goddammit!!!!!!

Dave, clutching his rambo bandana tighter around his head, collapses to the floor and Will turns around. Several screams pierce the air and they collapse to the floor.

Will: Oh har-har..

Will walks outside


The Beauty and the Beast Unit walk past the Lamb and Flag where Will is. They stop

Raging Raven: O_O

Will: Ummm...hello ladiessss..I've already--

Raging Raven: NO YOU DON'T!! YOU HAVE ME!!

Will: Lady, I prom--

Raging Raven: I SAID YOU HAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Will: Yes ma'am

Raging Raven stomps other and grabs his arm, dragging him off


Raging Raven: NO CHANCE!!!


The rest watch as Raven drags WIll into a boarded-up building, and then watch as Phil, Vince, Sal and Jimmy fly out of the window of the Dog and Handgun in an explosion

Screaming Mantis: ....incredible..simply, incredible

They all walk into the Lamb and Flag

-The Lamb and Flag-

The Unit sit down at a nearby table, with the normality having finally been restored. Soot-covered Phil, Sal, Steve, Jimmy, Billy and Brick stumble into the bar and to the bar

Phil: I'll have a pint please..

Dick: God, you guys look tattered!!

Sal: We'll take the drinks, then we'll tell the stories

They pay up and Phil takes his pint before turning around and stopping paralyzed as he stares at the Units table.

Phil: O____O

Laughing Octopus: Yeees?

Phil: O_____O

Screaming Mantis stands up and walks to him, waving her hand in front of his face

Screaming Mantis: Knock-knock..

Crying Wolf stands up, licking her lips

Crying Wolf: Ooo..I love it when he stands still..

Phil shakes his head and dives out of the nearest window


Crying Wolf jumps through the window pane and hurtles after him. They listen and hear the heavy crunch of sand

Phil: SHE'S GOT ME!! STEVE!! SAL!! ANYBODDDYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP?!!!!



His screams fade silently into the distance as the bar returns to its normal hustle and bustle

Sal: I feel sorry for that guy, honestly

Bob: Well I don't!

Octopus looks at Bob, licking her lips

Bob: ....

She raises her eyebrows and grins



The whole bar cheers

Dean: I just creamed in my cheese!

The whole bar goes silent and looks back at him

Dean: ...

He holds up a jar of cream cheese, they cheer loudly

Kurt Angle: Hey guys, I just banished a white russian from my Kremlin!

The whole bar goes silent and looks over at him

Kurt Angle: :D

He holds up a bottle of White Russian mixture inside a kremlin-shaped bottle, they cheer loudly

Jim: I just bashed the bishop!

The whole bar goes silent and looks over at him

Jim: ;D

He points to a knocked-out bishop, they cheer loudly

Brick: I just masturbated!

The whole bar goes silent and looks over at him

Brick: :)

Bar: OH MY GOD!!!

Brick: Sticky..

Moe jumps onto the table and dropkicks him. Brick falls backwards and collapses to the floor

Samoa Joe: Thats why I like midget ninjas!

Moe hops onto Joes table and they hi-5. That Hispanic Guy, now dressed as a yellow-suited pimp, walks down the stairs and scans the bar

That Hispanic Guy: always..but, one tequila for me Dick!

He walks over to the bar and downs the tequila in one as Dave wanders over

Dave: the special brew?

Dick leans down and stands up with a ceramic mug of purple liquid

Sal: Hey, Dick, whats with the mugs?

Dick: Well..the glasses seemed to melt

Dave: It must be good!

He chugs it down in one

Dave: Well, ‘Night.

He collapses, somehow looking unshaven and scruffy. Frank, dressed as a hobo, steps over him

Frank: I’ll take 10!!

Screaming Mantis: I’ll take Frank!

Frank: Yeah, she’ll--WHAT?!

Mantis: You’re mine, baby!

Frank: ..Hang on, there has been no plot development whatsoever, and I demand you--

She unzips her catsuit and reveals her chest


Mantis licks her lips and zips up again


Brick: Hey, look, he finally learnt a new word..

Phil crashes in through the nearest window

Phil: This shit ain’t funny anymore!

Dick: What?

Sabin and Shelley, dressed as headless horsemen, ride in. A bolt of lightning scars the sky and the lights suddenly cut in the Lamb and Flag. Silence.

Dave: Wow...darkness..silence..

Sabin: See Shelley?! BAD JUJU!!! BAAAAD JUUJUU!!!!!!!!

Sabin hops off his horse and takes off the mask

Phil: Brick, stop touching me

Brick: Phil, you’re paranoid, you’re touching yourself


Obese Maurice: Anything?

A spotlight shines into the Lamb and Flag, causing everyone to duck. A Gekkou, wearing the white vest and shorts from the 118 advert, walks by

Sal: Now i’ve seen everything

Gekkou (In girly, tinny voice) 118! 118! GOT YER NUMBER!

Samoa Joe: Now i’ve heard everything too.

Morello: I..seriously don’t wanna fight them

Mantis: Uhh..Phil?

Phil: What?..

Mantis: Where’s Wolf?

Phil: I left her in the Dog and Handgun

Bill: MY PUB?!!

All: Ssshhhh!!!

Bill: My pub?

Silence. Sound of ‘Get Low’ by T-Flo.

Bill: What the--Phil! Go! Now!

Phil: Why me?!

Bob: It’s only fair..

Phil: Asshole.

Laughing Octopus’ tentacles shoot out and throw Phil through the wall

Dick: Hey! It’s my pub!

They watch as Phil curses loudly and walks off. As he vanishes from view, the lights come back on

Morello: Sweet.

-The Dog and Handgun-

Phil walks into the Dog and Handgun, only to find its pitch black

Phil: I don’t like reminds me of my first date!

Heavy breathing. A shadow advances towards Phil. A strong gust of wind slams the doors behind him.

Phil: DEFINITELY my first date!

The shadow grabs him and Phil screams, but a match lights and reveals a muddy Will.

Phil: WILL?!

Will: Sshhhh!! Somethings going on..

Phil: Like what?!

Will: Powercuts..happening randomly..We had to move our mudwrestling here!

A few more matches are lit by PMCs, revealing several PMC soldiers, Ed, Meryl, Steve and Billy wearing muddy swimsuits

Phil: This is so wrong!

Screams from the Lamb and Flag. Silence. Patter of feet across sand and the door flings open. Frank, Dave, Billy and Sal fly in.


Frank: If its a knob gag, I will kill you

Billy: ...I resent the remark that I am a one-dimensional person who uses penis jokes for cheap laughs

Sal: Shut up! Something bads happening!

Phil: Wolfs gone missing, too

The door flies open and Sabin walks in with Mantis on his shoulders


Bar goes silent.


Billy: Now THATS a cheap laugh


Meryl rushes over and puts a candle on the floor. Sabin lays her down, revealing Mantis’s eyes wide open and 5 gunshots in her chest, Silence. Everyones looking down at her, Meryl knelt beside the body

Ed: Uhhh...if it can kill Screaming Mantis, do we have a better chance?

Praying Mantis PMC: ...No. Not even close.

Phil: What if we have Lemmy?

Praying Mantis PMC: ....Lemmy?

The familiar handlebar moustached face and leather jacket appears as Lemmy stands in the doorway

Lemmy: Anyone got a light?

Phil grabs a match

Will: PHIL! We need those for light!


Phil lights the match and walks over, lighting a cigarette in Lemmys mouth

Lemmy: Thanks dude..Hey, whats with the blackout?

Sal: Some possibly post-apocalyptic shit.

Phil: How cool is this? First is Rage Against The Machine, then Johnny Cash, then Slash, Then the Rat Pack and NOW Lemmy!!

Lemmy: Motorhead.

Lemmy points to several shadows, standing there and loitering

Phil: Awesome!

Will: Hey, can you guys rock out and find out what possibly wants to kill us?!

Lemmy: No.

Will: WHY?!

Lemmy: We don’t just stash Mics, guitars, drums, amps and speakers up our asses!

Phil: So how did Slash and Morello--

Several shots ring out. Morello runs into the bar, screaming


Phil: Ah! Morello! Hey, how did you get your guitar?


Frank: MANTIS! So innocent..

Several shots ring out and everyone dives to the ground, windows shattering and wood splinters flying everywhere. The PMCs pick up their assault rifles and return fire, but a grenade flies through the window


Lemmy runs over, picks it up and throws it outside. Motorhead scream and run inside the bar as an explosion blows the opposite building off its foundations

Steve: Whats going on? I’m scared!

Will: We’re all scared!

Frank: dead..

Phil: Wolf probably is too..


Phil: Better her than me

Steve: PHIL!

Phil: I’ll miss the ol’ gal. But right now, WE gotta survive

Gunshots heard from the Lamb and Flag. Steve, Lemmy and Will look out of the door

Will: They’re firing at something...HEY! JOHNNY CASH!

A guitar sails through the air and hits a Gekkou on the head, killing it instantly. Laughing Octopus runs out, but a Gekkou comes from nowhere. Bob, Brick, Jimmy and Samoa Joe give covering fire, but Octopus gets shot in the head. She collapses back and Bob cries out, catching her


Octopus leans up weakly and Phil walks out, snatching an M4 from a PMC and walking out


Phil: The worlds going insane!

The Gekkou opens fire and Brick is shot in the kneecap, but he keeps firing. Jimmy covers him as he limps back in. Kurt Angle, Slash, Morello, De La Rocha, Jim, Jimmy, Moe the Midget, Bill, Obese Maurice, Johnny Cash, Frank Sinatra and Naruto run out. Bill quickly uses Naruto as a meatshield when the Gekkou fires and blood spurts everywhere before Bill throws the dead body to the ground

Will: Phil! To survive..WE MUST BE A UNIT!

Phil: Suck my unit!

Phil marches out, and Steve goes towards the door

Will: STEVE! NO!

Steve looks at Will and looks down

Steve: Me wanna live..but we gotta fight..

Phil rushes over and hands Steve his kevlar body armour. Steve takes it,. surprised

Steve: Ph-Phil..thanks!!

Phil: No problem, just remember, you didn’t get this from me, and I tried to steal it from you!

Steve: Right!

Steve tears off his catsuit to reveal his mercenary uniform and he pulls out two 45. pistols, they start marching towards the Gekkou. Ed looks at them and strolls past

Will: ED!!

Ed: Hey dude, I respect you..but you’re an idiot! We gotta fight!

Ed walks out, and Lemmy follows, grabbing a pool cue. Motorhead follow Lemmy, and Billy walks out, playing bagpipes. The PMCs simply walk past, carrying their guns. Will sighs

Will: Ahhh..fuck


Bob: Octopus...Why......why...

Octopus was lying limp in Bobs arms, her eyes shut tightly

Bob: Occy...OCCY!!!!!!

He looks up at the sky and cries. Phil walks over and slaps him Bob looks up at him, red-eyed


Bob nods, with a look of grim hate on his lips. Phil hands him his M4 and he pulls out a survival knife

Dick: are practically unarmed you gimboid!

Phil: I fight like man. and die like hero!

Angle: You’re nuts.

Five Gekkous stomp over, their heads twitching wildly and they look up, mooing loudly


Silence. Everyone looks at Dick who's carrying a shotgun.


Dick fires at one Gekkou, causing it to stumble. Anarchy ensues. Angle, Slash, Morello, De La Rocha, and Motorhead mob one, cutting it down. Phil climbs up the top of the shot Gekkou and starts carving into its metal panels


Dave runs out


Phil: Blood loss?

Dick: She had her leg cut off by a Gekkou when she tried to run!

Phil hops down

Phil: Umm..Steve?

Steve was busy stabbing a Gekkou with a trident as Lemmy was smashing its leg with a solid steel pool cue

Steve: Yes?

Phil: Don’t you find it odd the entire Unit is dead?

Steve: ..No

Phil: It seems fishy..

Phil starts to hack and slash at a Gekkous leg. That Hispanic Guy wraps his whip around one and trips it up, letting Shelley and Sabin snare it in a net. Drebin wanders out with a huge plasma cannon

Samoa Joe: Drebin? WHAT THE FUCK?!


Everyone dives to the ground as Drebin fires it and a huge red beam vaporizes the nearest Gekkou


Drebin: No giant mechanical motherfuckers gonna take my business from me!

Drebin flicks a switch and charges it as seven more Gekkous charge out from nowhere, twitching violently, their ‘eyes’ glowing red

Phil: That ain’t normal!

That Random Guy, dressed as a pumpkin, grabs a crowbar and starts to smash the knees of one of the Gekkous

That Hispanic Guy: *Beep*, stop being a moron!

That Random Guy jams the sharp end into the Gekkous knee, causing it to stumble as Slash hops on it and tunes his guitar. He points it down at the Gekkou and plays a few notes, causing it to set on fire. Morello simply stares at a Gekkou and it explodes violently.

Morello: Zack! Your left!

De La Rocha swings to his left and takes off his pirate hat, swinging his dreadlocks like a fan and causing the Gekkou to be blown into the nearest building. As the Rat Pack continue curb-stomping another Gekkou as John Wayne shoots its kneecaps, Obese Maurice and Moe the Midget have been backed into a corner by a Gekkou

Maurice: Ow, Moe? I gotta plan..

Moe: I’m listening..

The Gekkou advances as Maurice whispers in Moes ear. Moe looks at him oddly

Moe: Thats fucking awful!

Maurice: Aye, but its the best shot we got kidda..

Moe sighs and bends over. Maurice grabs him by the hem of his ninja pants and flings him at the Gekkous head. Moe grabs it and pulls out some nunchucks, smacking them over the Gekkous head


The Gekkou stumbles back and Maurice charges


Maurice collides with the Gekkou, causing it to fall backwards just as Moe smashes his nunchucks into the power supply, causing the Gekkou to shut down

Maurice: Gimme 5 kidda!

They hi-5. Steve looks at Phil, who looks at Steve, who looks at Samoa Joe

Samoa Joe: Why me?

Phil: We need Chuck Norris...

All of a sudden, A beam of light shines down through the darkness and Chuck Norris, dressed as Walker: Texas Ranger, beams down to the ground.

Chuck Norris: You called?

Two gekkous charge at Norris. The mercenaries blink and one Gekkou is beheaded, while the other is in a million pieces

Norris: A roundhouse kick will ALWAYS save the day!

Phil: Chuck..what is going on?

Norris: I cannot say..Well, bye

Chuck Norris vanishes in a blip of light and everyone stands there as several gekkous advance

Lemmy: FUCK!

A Gekkou shoots Dick in his legs and he falls to his knees



Frank has finally wandered in, drinking a glass of bourbon and his eyes red from crying

Will: You shed a tear for Mantis?

Angle: Looks like he shed a waterfall

Frank: No-one kills the bartender..AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!!

Dick: I’m still alive, but bleeding badly!

Billy rushes over and lifts up Dick, carrying him into the bar

Billy: Ignore the morons, lets get ya fixed lad!

Frank screams and flails his arms, jumping onto a Gekkou and biting into its head. The mercenaries yell out and start fighting again. Phil climbs up with Frank and Steve and starts to stab the head. with Steve jabbing at the back

Steve: I gotta control panel!

Steve clambers into the Gekkou and sparks start to fly as it stumbles around. Phil stands on the head and starts stomping it as Lemmy throws out a microphone cable and trips it up, sending Steve, Frank and Phil off onto the ground. Jimmy, Bill, Vince and Sal walk up to one of the Gekkous

Sal: Wassup?

The Gekkou goes to punt him


Kurt Angle runs in and trips the Gekkou, rolling it onto its belly and locking in an Ankle Lock


The Gekkou starts tapping until Angle rips its leg off, letting Sal grab his basketball and hurl it full-speed at the Gekkou, going straight through its head


Morello stops pounding a Gekkou with a guitar and plays a few riffs, causing everyone to silence

Samoa Joe: If the Beauty and the Beast Unit is supposed to be all come they’re dead, eh?!

A huge rabble goes up and Billy walks out with a limping Brick

Billy: I think we’ve all been had!!

Brick: But why?!

Steve: Maybe for fun?

Vince: FUN?! 2 people have been shot and ones dead!

Will: A very minor one

Dean: You know what I say? I say lets find them!


Silence. A small humming noise in the background.

Lemmy: You hear that?

De La Rocha: Hear what?
Sal: THAT!

They watch as the streetlights turn back on and the shadow of Screaming Mantis in her battlesuit floats above the nearest building, her marionettes in hand. Naruto lets out a zombiefied groan and stands, only for Vince to take off his top hat and throw at him, decapitating him

Phil: Uhhh..Hi! Mantis..

Frank: MANTIS!!!! BABE!!

Everyone looks at Frank

Dave: We all knew you were messed in the head..No-one was prepared for this!

Mantis simply keeps looking down at them

Dean: Is this a joke or not?

Praying Mantis PMC: Even we don’t know..

Phil: What the FUCK is going ON???!!!

The beauty forms of Wolf, Mantis, Octopus and Raven walk out of the bar

Mantis: Uhh..whats up guys?

Steve: Well, Mantis, we don’t know if you’re going to kill us!

The mercenaries keep looking at the Mantis suit, until Frank slowly faces them

Frank: Uhh....Hi..Mantis..If you’re here..and your suits there...

The battle suit explodes in a blinding flash from thousands of stun grenades and everyone screams, collapsing instantly

Frank: MY EYES!! MY EYES!!

Phil: STEVE??!! YOU OK?!!!

Steve: WHAT??!!


Dave: Night-night

Dave collapses and Phil collapses on top of Morello. De La Rocha looks around

De La Rocha: ALL I SEE IS WHITE!!!


Sal collapses and Vince is on the floor, shuddering violently before he stops, unconscious


The Unit is on the floor, laughing loudly as the rest collapse

-Dawn - 1st November-

Vince slowly raises his head, cringing at the sight of the sun

Vince: Gawd...My head..

Sal: Is anyone else having trouble hearing?

Phil, Steve, Frank, Will, Vince, Sal, Brick and Blly look up to see the Unit sitting on a table outside, with Dick leaning out the window

Dick Head: Hi guys.

Mercenaries: ...

Dick: :)

Al: You were onto this the WHOLE time?!

Dick: Yup, we all had a part in it..figured you guys needed a good shock to stop you being such bastards...

Phil: He’s right..

Wolf: Really?

Phil, Will and Maurice stand up, walking into the bar. Dick screams as he clings on to the window, but all 3 drag him out and outside

Will: Ok Dicky, if its so funny, here’s a trick for you..

Dave stands up, shaking his head

Dave: Goddamn..

Will: Dave, stun grenade.

Dave throws a stun grenade and Will catches it. Sal, Brick and Billy stand up, with Sal holding down Dick and rolling him onto his stomach.

Will: Billy, his pants

Billy pulls down Dicks pants and Will places the stun grenade down his boxers, kicking him roughly. Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin stand up, joining in. Dick screams as the awakening mercenaries watch


Will: Goodnight Dick.

Sinatra takes a run and boots Dick from the side, causing a pin to fly into Phils head. Dick screams and the grenade explodes, causing light to emit from Dicks mouth before he collapses, comatosed

Steve: ..DAMN!

Phil: WHat about you girls?

The Unit watch, staring in fear

Phil: Maurice, tie them up

They clamber up and run away, screaming.

Phil: Ok..A competition, who can wreck the Lamb and Flag the most?

A huge dust cloud appears and the whole cast is inside the bar in a split-second. Frank is leant over the bar, drinking from the beer taps. Obese Maurice is raiding the fridge and Moe is busy smashing chairs. Motorhead are busy playing ‘Orgasmatron’ as Tom Morello and De La Rocha run out with several expensive items on their back.

Phil: So..Will..

Will: Phil.

Phil extends a hand, and Will shakes it

Phil: Well done..

Will: that a human side I see?

They watch as Frank flies out of the bar, cackling as he runs down the street with several bottles of expensive Armagnac

Phil: No, its a side grateful we finally KICKED SOME ASS!!

Will: HOO-RAHH!!!

Phil: Now wreck something manwhore

Will: You too cockhead

They walk into the bar and the screen turns black.

It quickly returns to the scene again, and we see Shelley and Sabin walking through the streets, hauling a Gekkou in a net

Shelley: You know, Sabin, I think we hit the jackpot..

The camera pans to reveal a line of 12 Gekkous attached to the net

Sabin: Indeed we did..HEY! Is that an UAV?!

They see a pair of wings and a motor. Shelley runs over and picks it up

Shelley: Still warm!! We could be rich! RICH!

Raging Raven swoops down, and they’ve disappeared. The camera watches as Shelley and Sabin are clutching onto Raging Ravens wings for their lives

Shelley: DEAN?! HOW THE HELL?!

Dean: Don’t judge me! I had one too many bottles of Chardonnay!


Dean: Franks getting drunk on Armagnac!!


Raven tilts down and they start falling

Dean: NOW!!

They scream and collapse through the roof of the lamb and Flag as the screen finally fades.

Only joking.

The screen appears again, and we see Frank crawling out of the covers of his bed in his flat

Frank: That was good..

Mantis crawls up next to him

Mantis: Ohhh yeahhh..

Frank: Wanna drink?

Mantis: Sure.....I wonder how Wolf is doing..

Frank shrugs and hands her a bottle of Malibu which she starts draining.

As the camera fades.


The camera re-opens and we see Phil slowly stalking down the street. He quickly ducks into an alley and looks around the corner, still wearing woodland camo and facepaint

Phil: Like a shadow in the night..

Wolf: Whatcha doing?

Phil: Sneaking away from---Ahh..this shit has gotta stop..

He turns and sees Wolf sitting on a dumpster, sucking a lollipop

Wolf: These things..SO NICE!!

Phil: They’re nothing but boiled sugar and colouring..What do you want?

Wolf: To say you missed me.

Phil: Whats the point of lying?

Wolf: Pwease..

Phil: Pleading never got you anywhere before.

Wolf remembers Mantis and grins, slowly zipping down her latex suit and flashing her chest. Phil screams and collapses to the floor


Wolf: Don’t lie you big baby.

She zips them up again and grabs his leg, dragging him into the alley


The screen fades.



We see Morgan Freeman in front of a black screen

Freeman: And so, the mercenaries finally learnt that to survive, they truly must live and work with another..and the Unit learned that the people who laugh last, truly laugh best.. The poor Unit would not be able to pulla trick on the mercenaries, and Dick is currently in a coma, having suffered internal injuries, from a stun grenade in his rectum..This Hallows Eve, keep safe. From me, Morgan Freeman..wishing you a Happy Halloween!

Voice: Mr Freeman! Catch!

A half-pineapple filled with orange juice is flung towards him and the camera pans out, revealing a beach party. A set hand tears down the curtain and wraps a flower necklace around his neck

Studio Hand: PARRTTTYYY!!! WOOOO!!!

Freeman looks up at the sky and the face of Author Phil grins down, giving a thumbs up next to a cloud shaped like a smiling face of Chuck Norris. The screen finally fades.

Friday, 24 October 2008

The Frank, Bob, Dave And Will Show

After last times hullapalooza that was our character specials, Phil ended up needing surgery, Steve was scared, Wolf went psycho, That Hispanic Guy took down a Gekko and Samoa Joe had a cameo appearance. We shift from two of the more 'special' mercenaries to four of the more unluckier and psychotic. Frank has bourbon on his cornflakes, Bobs got a psychotic woman who thinks she's an octopus pregnant, Will thinks he's gods gift to women, and Dave would rather killa person than ask questions.

Well..this should be fun


As day broke, so did another part of purity in the world as our mercenaries followed. Bob yawned and rolled out of bed, pulling on a dressing gown and walking into the main roonm. He watched, dumbstruck as Frank lay on the couch, slurring his words at the TV

Frank :Fuchking cahntdown..fuhcking bahstahrds..

Bob: Frank..Goddammit!

Frank looks at him with bloodshot eyes and hiccups

Frank: Bob..yah used tah be fahn..what hahpened?

Bob: I got a life, a spine and a girlfriend

Frank snorts as Dave walks out wearing a bulletproof vest with an M4 strapped to his back. He looks over the couch at Frank

Dave: Morning..I see sleeping beauties turned into the ugly stepsister

Bob: Didn’t exactly take much.

Frank: Fahck yah!

Dave: You're fucked, look at you! Eat some cornflakes!

Frank: Ah have!

He points to an empty bowl of bourbon and cornflake scraps

Dave: You do realize normal people use milk, you retard?

Will walks out, wearing a pale blue suit and white shirt with a red tie and sunglasses

Will: Morning all..Looking ugly as always..Frank, my God, you push the boundaries of ugly! You are ugly with a capital UG!

Bob: Leave it..

Laughing Octopus strolls out of Bobs room yawning. She glances at Frank and rolls her eyes

Laughing Octopus: He has to go..He can't live with our child..

Will: With pleasure!

Will grabs Franks legs and hoists him up as Dave takes his arms. They carry him sideways towards the window and start swinging him

Dave and Will: 1...2...3--

Bob: No!

They sigh and drop him to the floor

Bob: He NEEDS to quit his alcohol addiction!

He watches as Frank stops picking up a bottle of bourbon

Dave: Where the hell did he get that?

Will: See? He’s so addicted it simply appears in his presence!!

Frank: Hey, I can quit ANYTIME I want!

Bob: Then quit now

Frank puts the bottle of bourbon down and holds up his hands

Bob: Goood..

He leans down, picks up the bottle with his mouth and leans his head back, swallowing gulps at a time

Bob: Frank..what are we gonna do with you?

Dave: Add a slice of lime to him? Give him some ice? Pour him into alcoholics anonymous?

Will: I like that last one. They'll sniff him and get drunk!

Bob: Look, I think we all know Frank has a drinking problem..

Dave: Problem? He fucking enjoys it, look at him!

Franks tongue lolls out of his mouth and he laughs in his sleep

Will: Why do I have to be punished?

Octopus: We just need to help him..he could be dangerous to our kid..

Will: He's also dangerous to bars, I heard he put one out of business in one sitting

Dave: I also heard Jack Daniels check their insurance policy when Frank visits Tennessee!

Bob: serious..Frank needs help..Why does he drink anyway?

Will: Early trauma when he first joined the mercenaries.

Bob: ...Really?

Will: No, I just love making excuses. later.

Will leaves and slams the door behind him. Dave shrugs and goes towards the door

Bob: Dave..try and find him help..

Dave looks down at Frank

Dave: I don't think the Samaritans do miracles

He leaves and Bob sighs


Dave walked into a long target range in the middle of an abandoned building occupied by AJ Styles, That Other Random Guy and Johnny Cash practicing their shooting. Dave pulled out a .45 from his own personalized locker and started to shoot at the target, hitting the dead centre 10 times. The camera shook slightly and Dave looked at it

Dave: hi! Names Dave! I love to shoot, to kill, to do anything that the mercenaries would call collateral damage! My favourite sound is gunshots, and I love the smell of gunpowder and napalm in the morning!

Cameraman: Que?

Dave: You know..Gunpowder?

Cameraman: Que?

Dave twitches and points the gun at the camera

Dave: Speak English!!

Cameraman: Wha--

Dave: What did you say?!!!??!!

Cameraaman: What the--


Cameraman: I’m sorry! DON’T SHOOT ME!

Dave drops the firearm to his side, realizing he can’t shoot without provacation

Dave: anything good lately?

Cameraman: Well..I think--


Cameraman: But--

Dave pulls the trigger and the camera smashes and falls. He holsters his gun and drops a coin in a pool of blood spreading in front of the camera

Dave: Get yourself a blood transfusion....and a new eye

Dave shudders and we hear a thud as he kicks the body and leaves

Back to Will. He walked into the bar wearing his white suit and maroon shirt. He slapped the bar and Dick the barkeep walked over

Dick: What'll it be, dick?

Will: Hey! You're dick! And i'll have a pint of Carlsberg you bastard!

Dick slams the pint onto the bar and Will grabs it and throws the money at him. Behind Will, Phil was sitting with Wolf, his eyes glazed over in a comatose expression as she talked

Will: Hey, Phil, you ok back there?

Wolf waves energetically at him, but Phil simply sits there comatosed

Will: Phil?

Wolf leans over and french kisses him wildly, he waves his arm wildly and his eyes shoot open in a frantic expression, pushing her off

Phil: What'dya do that for??!!!

Wolf: Fun!

She stuck her tongue out and Will grinned and walked away

Will: If I were Phil, i'd get stuck in it with Wolfy..She's a catch, plus! The rest of the Unit won't kill us! Too bad he's always acting suicidal near her..Iiii'd say it was a crush thing, but that glazed expression he gets tells me he just isn't interested. Who knows?

Will watches as Wolf walks over and sits on Phils lap

Wolf: come you never take me out on a date?

Phil: Because you have tried to kill me before?

Wolf: That was ages ago!

Phil: And why should I? Are we really boy and girlfriend?

Wolf: I thought we were..

Phil: Wolf- You border on stalker with me

She pouts and looks down, starting to tremble

Phil: Oh..Wolf..don't..

She keeps trembling, tears leaking out of her eyes. Phil growls and sighs and leans forward, pressing his lips against hers. She stops trembling and her eyes widen.

Phils brain: Don't keep it locked for too long. She'll expect things.

He breaks it instantly and Wolf faints. Phil smirks and drains her pint

Phil: SKOL!

Will: You see, i'd never treat a woman like that..I am a man, A really handsome man..Every woman comes on their knees to me, and I never reject them, because I am Will, and I am every womans dream!

An incredibly buxom blonde wearing a short skirt wanders over

Blonde: Hey..can I have your number?

Will: Why wait?

He extends an arm and she links it with his as they walk out the bar. Frank walks in and looks at the camera

Frank: Umm...hey..


Cameraman: You're supposed to tell us about yourself..

Frabk: names Frank..


Frabk: I enjoy the odd drink of alcohol

Dick: Yeah, every 1st, 3rd, 5th, 7th, 9th and 11th pint is his favourite!

The bar explodes in laughter as Frank hands in his money

Frank: Gimme a pint of Worthingtons you bastard!

Dick puts the pint down and Frabk grabs it, half-draining it in one gulp

Frank: I'm so popular in this bar, that Worthingtons regularly sends me Birthday and Christmas cards. That Hispanic Guy, who literally lives in the hotel rooms on the top floor, is on first names basis with me!

That Hispanic Guy walks down wearing a blue dressing gown

That Hispanic Guy: Hola Frank!

Frank: Hola *BEEP*

That Hispanic Guy grabs a bottle of Magners Cider and sits at the bar. Frank sits next to him

Frank: The bar does get pretty rowdy at times, but we all have a laugh anyway..It's the Lamb and Flag!

Frank drains the rest of his pint and hi-5s That Hispanic Guy

Frank: Keep 'em coming, Dick!


As night falls, Frank stumbles out into the street. He walks to the left slightly and looks up

Frank: The Half Moon..Ahh..

He watches as Screaming Mantis runs by carrying a whip while chasing after a female FROG soldier. Frank shakes his head, he watches as Bob and Laughing Octopus stroll towards the Half Moon. Bob glances at Frank and rushes over to stop him falling down

Bob: Goddamn Frank..

Frank: Just..11 pints...Nothing..

Bob: Nothing for gotta get you home..

Will walks over wearing only heart boxers and white leather shoes and picks up Frank

Will: I'll take care of him..we're taking a break!

Will sniggers and holds up an empty pill packet

Will: I'm a-gonna last all night!

He hauls up Frank and drags him away. Bob sighs and Laughing Octopus kisses his cheek

Laughing Octopus: Don't worry,'re trying to be the voice of insensibility in an unsensible world

As she finishes, Raging Raven runs down the road in her human form chasing after A Random Guy who is only in his boxers. After that, A Gekko stumbles down the road with Steve on top

Steve: I'm riding a killer tractor!

Bob: ._.

As they vanish, Raging Raven in her human form, but wearing her wings, swoops down and picks up That Hispanic Guy, taking him up

That Hispanic Guy: Comos deas, BITCHESSSSS!!!!!!!

Both: ._.;;

They watch as Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin gallop down the road on their horses, carting Dean behind them in their net while wearing balaclavas. They are followed by Slash who rides his guitar straight towards them as Tom Morello runs down playing 'The Devil Went Down To Georgia'. It finally stops after AJ Styles is seen running down the road naked and screaming being chased by 2 female FROGs with whips

Bob: Sweet jesus..

They watch in amazement as That Other Random Guy runs in front of them carrying a bottle of tequila, followed by Samoa Joe holding 2 limes

Laughing Octopus: Should we just go inside?

Bob: Yeah, I think we should

They walk into the Half Moon and notice the 2nd cameraman. Laughing Octopus sits at a table and Bob faces the camera

Bob: Hi..I'm you can tell, i'm one of the most tired and sensible of the group..I also seem to be the unluckiest. At least I won't be dying anytime soon, eh?

The cameraman shakes his head

Bob: Oh well..When in Rome!

Bob grabs 2 pints of beer and carries them over to Laughing Octopus, who glances at the camera
Laughing Octopus: Ok, my names Laughing Octopus. No, i'm not telling you my real name, you will never know why I laugh, nor will you get anything else out of me..Meh Bobbys the only one who'll know..

A retching sound is heard from behind the cameraman. Laughing Octopus growls and slaps the camera, which falls down and makes the screen crack

That Hispanic Guy: DAYUM!


As the night grows on, Bob and Laughing Octopus remain in the Half Moon, as it grows on, they hear yells outside. Bob watches as Phil is thrown through the nearest window tied to Chris Sabin

Bob: What the fuck?!

The bar watches as Samoa Joe, Alex Shelley, AJ Styles and That Other Random Guy are hurled through the door, breaking it into pieces

That Hispanic Guy: COMOS DIAS?!

The bar keeps watching as the ceiling cracks and Kurt Angle falls through it and through a table

Al The Bartender: Ok..what is going on in my pub?!

They watch as Zack De La Rocha, tied to Tom Morello is thrown through the window and lands on Phil and Sabin

Laughing Octopus: WHAT THE?!!!

Frank stumbles through the door


Phil opens an eye and struggles

Phil: Sabin! Morello! Rocha! Get the fuck off of me!!!

Bob runs over and unties them

Bob: What the hell happened?

Sabin: Shelley dared us to dance in front of a Gekko tied to eachother. We may both be £20 richer, but it kicked us! And we pissed it off!

The bar watches as A Random Guy is sent hurtling through a wall

A Random Guy: I can taste my spleen!

They hear the sound of guitar riffs and moos in the distance. Unfortunately, they watch as one of the Gekkos leans down and looks into the pub

That Hispanic Guy: Ah monkey balls

Bob: Occy..start running

Octopus: When?

Bob: ....Now

The whole bar screams and charges outside. Bob leads Octopus underneath the Gekkos legs and they hurtle towards their house. They watch as Phil stands up to the Gekko, as well as That Hispanic Guy, Kurt Angle and Slash

Phil: You wanna fuck with us?!

The Gekko goes to kick them, but That Hispanic Guy pulls out his whip and catches the leg, tripping the Gekko, Phil grabs a bottle and smashes it over the Gekkos radar


That Hispanic Guy: Calm! The bottles are empty!

Frank: ...Continue then!

Kurt Angle turns over the Gekko and locks it an Ankle Lock while Slash hops onto its head and plays his guitar. The tunes are so powerful that the Gekko vibrates and sets on fire internally. Slash starts hitting the Gekkos head with his guitar and Phil hops on top of the Gekko

Phil: This calls for a celebration!

Bob winces as a 2nd Gekko wanders over and punts him like a rugby ball into the top floor of the Half Moon. Dean wanders by holding up a sign reading 'OUCH'. Wolf quickly runs to the top



Phil: ..................Ow..

Wolf: Babe...Why did you take that bet? WHY?!

Phil: Could it be the fact you pounced on me and yelled surprise, ony to let go when Shelley and Sabin knocked on the door so I decided to pay them back?!

Wolf: Phil.......

Phil: What?

Wolf: You're bleeding real bad....

Phil: That’;s nothing, I now have 20 ribs too!

Wolf: Let me help..

Phil: I choose death!

Wolf sighs and sits beside him

Wolf: Asshole

Phil: Bitch

They watch as Steve runs into the top floor of the Half Moon

Phil: I think it’s time to unleash our super weapon..

They watch as Dave walks in with a huge flamethrower, cackling maniacally as it lights up the street and several Gekkos

Phil: Umm....anyway.

Phil pulls out a can of Red Bull and hands it to Steve

Phil: Drink it and you shall be immortal..


Phil: PUT IT ON MY TAB YA STINGY GIT!! Anyway, Steve.....ah, fuck the Churchill speech. Drink up!

Steve cracks the tab and downs the whole can in one. He drops it and his entire body starts twitching violently, his legs becoming nothing more than a blur


Meanwhile, back in the streets, The 2nd Gekko moos, but That Random Guy trips it up and makes it fall down


1969 plays as the Motor City Machineguns re-appear and start stomping the hell out of the Gekko. Samoa Joe walks out of the bar and hops onto the Gekkos back before choking it

Samoa Joe: TAP BITCH!!!!!!!

Bob and Octopus quickly backtrack near an alley

Bob: Down, babe..

Octopus: I can fend for myself..

She pulls her tentacle headset out from her backpack and pulls it on over her mask. She starts cackling wildly and slithers towards a 3rd Gekko. Dave drops his flamethrower and jumps on the 2nd Gekko, unloading a round of M4 bullets into its back

Dave: FUCKING EAT IT!!!!!!!

The Gekko moos loudly as Octopus gets onto her tentacles and laughs loudly. Dave stumbles back and starts shooting another clip at Octopus



Dave stops shooting

Dave: .....Oh

He pulls out another clip, loads it and starts shooting at the Gekko which simply rebounds the bullets. The Gekok wanders over and kicks the gun out of daves hands before kicking him down and starting to kick him


Laughing octopus cackled wildly as she wraped her tentacles around the Gekkos body


Steve shoots down from the top floor and lands on top of the Gekko. In less than a split second, it is nothing more than a dustbin. He puts it on his hand and starts dancing

Phil: NO! STEVE! Ahh..we lost him!

They watch as Steve runs down the street at Mach 3 speeds doing the Macarena

Phil: Only one thing left..

Wolf: And that would be, dickhead?

Phil stands up on the top floor.


A Random Guy throws him an axe, and Phil catches it, he jumps onto the Gekko and brings it down into the Gekkos head. The Gekko spurts green fluid and Octopus lets go and backtracks into the alley as it collapses

Phil: I'm alive!!!

The Gekko rolls over

Phil: ......................................ow..................

Wolf: PHIL!!! PHIL!!! NOT AGAIN!! PHIL??!!



Phil:....I'm still alive under here...


Phil: Stop it you ninny, ninny of a woman!! Get me out from under here!

Samoa Joe, AJ Styles, Dave, Zack De La Rocha, Chris Sabin, Frank and That Hispanic Guy run over and roll the Gekko off Phil, revealing him imprinted into the ground surrounded by a huge puddle of blood. He looks down at his ribs poking through his chest

Phil: ..Fuck, now I have nothing to wear to the party!

Frank laughs and sits next to Phil. Dick wanders out and hands both of them a bottle of beer, sitting on top of the Gekko

Frank: Did you see that? Phil killed a Gekko!

Dave walks over slowly, his ribs turned to granite

Dave: Yeah! And I shot it and everything!

Samoa Joe and AJ Styles walk towards him and sit behind them

Samoa Joe; Sweet guys..Fucking sweet..

Tom Morello sits beside them. The small group look at him

De La Rocha: And where’d you go Tommy?

Morello points to the fact he is now tuning a steel guitar

Morello: Made it myself..FROM GEKKO!!!!

Silence. Crickets chirping.

De La Rocha: You so insane!!

Will walks out and joins them as Octopus takes off her headset and mask

Octopus: Sorry about that..

Bob: No worries, hun..

They sit in the alley.

Dick: Well, at least everythings ok!

The Gekko belches out green liquid onto a green powerbox, cvausing the street to black out

Steve: Ah nuts

Silence. Steve starts giggling

Steve: Stop! That tickles!

Will: Aw! Fucking sick!

Steve: Who is that?

Frank unpops another bottle of beer as Dick pockets something

Steve: FRANK!!

Frank: ..Oops. My hand slipped.


Phil: Frank, that won't work on me

Frank: Phil, i'm nowhere near you


Phil: Wolf?

Silence. Heavy breathing.

Phil: Wolf, get off me

Will: At least everythings back to normal

Frank: Speak for yourself.

Silence. Sounds of making out and zippers.

Frank: Aw..for the love of God, Bob, in public?!


Wolf: How cute..

Phil: Tomko?

Tomko: No.

Phil: There you go, Wolf.

Wolf: Since when I have asked your permission?

Phil: Since I electrified my back

Group: Your back?

Phil: ...Oh, wait, I’m human too

The sound of crackling and the group illuminated by blue sparks and light as Phil screams. Eventually it stops when Morello rips out the wires. The sound of sizzling. Steve rushes in, scattering leaves and sand everywhere


Steve zips off into the distance

Dave: ...DAMN!

Frank: Never mind that!

Dave fires a few shots into the air


Will pulls out a small bottle of Malibu and clinks it against Franks drink

Will: To us?

Frank reaches into his shoe and pulls out a bottle of Port

Frank: To us!!

Dave: You got that from your shoe?

Frank: Shaddup.

Silence. The sound of something being dragged along the sand.

Frank: Sabin. Shelley.

They both make barking noises

Frank: Stop fucking around, who is it?

Sabin sighs and drops the net as Drebin rolls out to Franks feet

Drebin: They..were gonna..sell me..TO ME!!

Dave: God bless insanity.

Will: I’ll say Davey..I’ll say!

Saturday, 18 October 2008

The Steve and Phil Show

As you know, our mercenaries are human. Well, they certainly have the brains of dumb ones. But they need rest and to eat..So how do they do this? Well, if you're a retard, you won't know how, but it's time to take a look into 2 of the more..'special' mercenaries


It was still complete and utter darkness inside the house. Outside, dawn had only just broke. It was 5am, and the mercenaries were naturally asleep....well, comatosed..after their ultimate showdown. In this house lay the odd couple. In one bed lay Phil, covered in blankets with the mattress missing chunks, while Steve lay neatly in his bed with a smile on his face. The sound of a doorbell caused Phil to fall off the bed and smash his face on the floor


Steve opens an eye

Steve: Morning world! Wakey Wakey eggs and bakey!

Phil; I wish..I could murder some eggs..

Steve throws the covers off himself and pulls out a trident

Phil: Figure of speech, Steve!

Steve gets up in his striped PJs and walks through the hanging beads and into the kitchen, Phil pulls out a towel rack from behind the door and opens it wearing just his window

Phil: Hell--Oh, come on! It's 5am!!

Bob: I's just--

Phil: Looking pretty shifty, Bob ol' chap? What's wrong?

Bob: I...I...

Phil: Speak, fool! SPEAK!

Steve pulls a drum from nowhere and does a drum roll.

Bob: I got Laughing Octopus pregnant!!


Phil and Steve laugh loudly, rolling on the floor. That Hispanic Guy, who was walking his chihuahua, is pounding the floor in laughter. Somewhere in the distance, Frank just spit out his cornflakes and bourbon for breakfast. Liquid Ocelot and the Outer Haven soldiers stop in their tracks


Phil: No shit?!

Bob: I..really love her..

Phil: Yeah, and I love that door

Steve: I love carpet!


Steve: I love vase!

Phil: Steve, will you stop saying you love random things?

Steve: I love lamp..

Phil: Really?

Steve: I really love the lamp..


Phil: Well..see ya

Phil slams the door shut and the doorbell rings again. He answers.

Phil: Yeah? Ah.. what do you want?!

Bob: Comforting? Financial help?

Phil: Bob..buddy..Steve and I can barely buy our weapons and food, do you honestly think we'll support your baby?

Bob: Well..

Steve: Look, it's not that we won't, but we can't..all we have to drink lately is iced ketchup

Bob: Well---UHHHH!!!! Iced Ketchup?!!!

Phil: I find it tastes quite nice after you've stopped crying and screaming and drank two bottles

Bob: guys NEED money

Phil: One visit to the pawn shop and we will!

Bob: Pawn shop?

Phil holds up a pocket watch

Phil: Got it off the body of an Outer Haven soldier, but Steve really hit the jackpot!

Steve pulls out a priceless china vase

Bob: Where the fuck did you get that?

Steve: I just found it on a body!

Bob: What was a body doing with a china vase?

Phil: We don't know.......well, goodbye

He slams the door shut and the bell rings again. When the door opens, Phil pulls out a towel rack and points it at Bob

Phil: I need breakfast, dammit!

Bob: I know..just, guys, can you gimme some money when you get some?

Phil: OK! Now go away!

Bob walks away and That Hispanic Guy is back on his feet

That Hispanic Guy: He really got that psycho pregnant,ese?

Phil: Yeah, that is gonna be a really whacked kid!

Phil shuts the door and Steve hands him a cup of coffee. He quickly pulls on a white dressing gown

Phil: So..whats today about?

Steve pulls out a notepad

Steve:A documentary on us, apparently

Phil: A documentary? Why?

Steve: It’s going around..

Phil: The plague went around too, we gonna get that too?

Steve: Should we just kill him and avoid it? or would that be cheating?

Phil: Possibly cheating, but good idea

Steve: :)

The doorbell rings again and Phil hits the table with the flats of his fists

Phil: Goddamn!!

He gets up and answers the door. He looks around. No-one. Suspense music plays.

Steve: Phil!! Look out!!

Phil: It’;s just a cold-caller Steve! Nothing I can’t handle without my trusty towel rack!


Phil looks over his shoulder at Steve tiptoeing and looking over Phils shoulder

Phil: And?

Phil looks around and watches as a brazilian-looking buxom black-haired woman makes her way up the steps

Phil: You got the wrong house, the studs just left

Babe: Oh no..I got the right house..

Steve: I'm scared!

Phil quickly slams the door shut and bolts the locks

Phil: What the fuck--

Steve: You don't think it's--

Phil: AW HELL NAW!!!

The door starts rattling. Phil backs away and picks up his towel rack as he hears an unearthly howl rattle the windows


The door flies open and Phil stands on his tiptoes, noticing the shell of Crying Wolf at the bottom of the street

Phil: Ah..fuck no...

Crying Wolf: Missed me?

Phil: With every bullet so far..

Crying Wolf: Thats mean..ya know..Occys pregant..

Steve and Phil: We know

Phil: Don't you even get any ideas you crazy woman!

She advances forward and Phil takes a step forward, brandishing the towel rack

Phil: This is private property, and I demand you leave thi--

She grabs the towel rack and throws it into the corner

Phil: Scrap that, then

Phil steps backwards as she advances forwards. He grabs a piece of toast and brandishes it like a sword

Phil: Enguarde!

Wolf: :

Steve: That’s shit Phil! Use the forks!

Phil: The force?


Phil: The forks! Ok!

Phil drops the piece of toast and grabs a fork, only for Wolf to grab it and bend it with amazing strength

Phil: The forks are useless Steve! I’ve got a better plan!

Phil grabs a chair and throws it at Wolf, who simply sidesteps

Steve: Don’t wreck the flat Phil!

Phil: Plan D then., Steve?

Steve: Bye, Phil

Phil: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Steve: C''re acting like she's not hot!

Phil: Weeehhhh...but goddamn you keep harassing me!!

Crying Wolf: C'mon!!

Phil: I refuse, you will take me dead or alive

Crying Wolf: I'll just have my way with your co--

Phil: Goddamn! Alright!

He sighs and walks through the beads, slamming a door behind it. Wolf walks forward, opens the door and shuts it behind her

Wolf: Stay still, Phil!

Phil: Keep back! KEEP BACK!

Wolf: But you consented!!

Phil: I consent to nothing but death, and you don’t have the robe! Keep back vile demon!

Wolf: Know what style I like?

Phil: Stay back! OH GOD NOOOO!!!

We hear the sound of a towel rack being swung wildly until it clatters, we then hear screams, and then silence, and then female moans mixed with male screams

Steve (To camera): Well, this isn't a typical day for Phil, and it's unfortunate he's getting sexed to death, but you should know more about me..I'm Steve! I like walks in the park and Ice Cream! I like Jazz and Blues, and have an IQ of 170! My role in the mercenaries is the tech guy, or, in other words, the comic relief!

The moans turn into long, extended groans, while the screams have stopped

Steve: I believe he is now unconscious..Anyway, let's leave them to it and go down to the pawn shop when they're done!

-2 hours later-

Steve walks out of the bathroom adjusting his sweater as Phil slowly cralws out of the bedroom

Phil: I...can

He collapses to the floor

Steve: Poor bastard..

A half-naked Crying Wolf walks out, grabbing Phils foot and dragging him back

Steve: Go easy, will ya?!

It takes 5 minutes to hear the sound of snores, and Steve sighs

-2 hours later-

Crying Wolf: Let's go to the pawn shop together!!

Phil: ....No

Steve: Why? We can be pawn buddies!

Wolf grins

Phil: He said Pawn..P-A-W-N

Wolf: Still...

Phil: can taste blood, everytime I move my hip bones go the opposite way of my spine, I can literally feel my spine jam into my throat if I cough!

Wolf: Was I too rough?

Phil: Too rough? Going 30 rounds with Mike 'Ear-biter' Tyson would be easier than 2 hours in bed with you!

Wolf: Don't act like you didn't enjoy it..

Phil: This isn't acting, Remember when I started screaming? I wasn't about to achieve orgasm, no, you're hands had found my throat, dammit! I was screaming for air!

Wolf: Well.....I enoyed it!

Phil stands up and slings a duffel bag over his shoulders, Steve follows and Wolf standfs up

Steve: Go in your mech suit so we can get an easy ride and we'll let you stay with us!

Phil: really are mentally insane, aren't you?

Wolf: Deal!

Phil simply shrugs

Phil: I was born..then I joined the corps..then I lived with Steve..then I fought with the corps..then along came Crying Wolf.....The end

Wolf: That's not nice--

Phil: Well, I welcome death now!!

Phil walks out and Steve pats her shoulder

Steve: He's just an awkward person, i'm sure you'll tame him one day!

Phil: NO WAY!!

-Pawn Shop-

The crowd was wild. The idea of looting bodies of comrades and enemies had spread as Steve and Phil joined the hustle of Samoe Joe, Tom Morello, Jeff Jarrett, A Random Guy, Screaming Mantis, Frank, Dean, Vamp and Solid Snake. Drebin stood behind the counter, examining a rat Dean had brought in

Drebin: Fuck you!!

Dean: I'm not lying! It's a mink! Look at that pelt!

Drebin: Look at that door and get the fuck out!

Dean strides through the crowd, cursing at Drebin and exits as Vamp walks forward, clutching an ivory false leg

Vamp: I got thiiiisss from a body of a soldier...hooww much?...

Drebin: Ahh..Vintage piece, real ivory!!

He hands a wad of cash to Vamp and Vamp wanders off, grinning psychotically. Tom Morello walks forward clutching a bunch of dreadlocks

Drebin: Tom..whats this?

Morello: Zacks old dreadlocks! Vintage collectables! Worth up to 30p in the future!

Drebin: Morello, I like Rage as much as the next guy, but if you admit it being only worth 30p, I AIN’T BUYING YOU COCK! NOW GET OUT!

Morello: Make me!

Drebin brandishes a feather duster and Morello screams, running away. Phil quickly barges in and places a pocket watch on the counter

Drebin: Whats this?

Phil: A sterling silver pocket watch!

Drebin hands over a small amount of cash, but Phil places several gold teeth on the counter

Drebin: . . .What the FUCK?!

Phil: Hey, it got violent out there!

Drebin rolls his eyes and hands Phila giant wad of cash. He kaughs psychotically in victory and runs out holding the wad

Phil: C'mon Wolfy! I'll buy you a drink!!

Wolf: REALLY?!

Phil: YEAH!! One for you, Five for me!!!

Wolf: LET'S GO!!

She links an arm with his and they run off to the Lamb and Flag


Phil sits in front of the bar, clutching a bottle of tequila. Someone taps him on the shoulder and he turns the camera

Phil: Hi! My names Phil! As you can tell I'm the most psychotically deluded of the group, especially when you have a sexual predator in the shape of a mechanical wolf or a brazilian babe. I rarely see a doctor, but if I do, he will comment on how amazing it is that i'm even standing. As you can tell, I'm the one most likely to get injured or caught in a net, and I like alcohol. Again, i'm psychotically deluded, so I deserve the odd drink.

He stands up and walks over to a table where Crying Wolf and Steve. It should be noted how ironic it is that Crying Wolf actually smiles when Phil sits down. The camera zoomes over to Crying Wolf

Crying Wolf: Hello! I'm one of the Beauty And The Beast Unit! As you can tell, i'm having a day off with the unit! The reason I cry is something I will not disclose. But, whenever i'm around the mercenaries..I feel so happy...especially a special one..

She gives a woozy smile and Phil points at Steve, but she runs over and hugs Phil


Phil: ...Somebody help...

She hugs him closer, and Steve laughs. The bar turns silent and watches

That Hispanic Guy: Hey? You may want to squeeze him so much compadre, he's turning the wrong color!!

Phil starts to turn blue before Crying Wolf lets go, giggling lovingly

Crying Wolf: I sorry..

Phil collapses and smashes his head off the table before lying on the floor hugging his tequila

Steve: He always does that, just leave him


As the night grows in, and Dick throws them out of the pub. Phil, Steve and Wolf walk outside into the utter darkness

Phil: Y'know, they should really invest in some street lights

Steve: They did, but they got stomped by Gekkos, remember? We teased them by dangling a piece of steak on a fishing rod and they got angry!

Phil: Yeah...great days!

He puts his arm around Steve and they walk forward a few steps before falling off the curb.
They hear stomping and a mooing sound

Steve: What in the blue fuck?

That Hispanic Guy: GEKKOS!!!

A Random Guy: THEY'RE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A pair of spotlight light the road and they start criss-crossing across the sands

Steve: LIGHT!

The spotlights shoot towards them, but Phil pulls both of them back

Phil: Ok, we're really fucked now

Steve: All we do is run!

Phil; Good idea Steve, but our house is a few thousands yards down BEHIND the Gekkos!!!

Crying Wolf: I'm scared...Hold me, Phil!

They take a few step backwards and feel themselves squish into part of a huddle

That Hispanic Guy: My God, what are they looking for?

Samoa Joe: Me..

AJ Styles: I doubt that, Joe.

Phil picks up a bottle of beer and he hurls it into the spotlight. The Gekko bends down to examine the bottle

Gekko: Oooooooooo

All: o__O;;;

Shelley: Well, he likes his least...

Sabin: I just don’t understand why it hasn’t shot us, Shelley

Dave: How about you both shut up before it does?!

Phil (quietly) Wolfy?

Wolf: Yeah?

Phil: Where's your suit? home..


A Random Guy: You may have just doomed us all

Wolf: Well, not intentionally!

Phil walks forward into the Gekkos spotlight

Phil: YA GOT ME!!! NOW WHAT??!!!

The Gekko moos loudly and goes to stomp him, but he sidesteps

Phil: Now i'm here!

The Gekko goes to stomp him, but he sidesteps again

Phil: Now i'm here!

The second Gekko rugby kicks him and he flies backwards into the top floor of the bar

Wolf: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Phil: I....deserved that one...

Steve: PHIL?! ARE YOU OK?!

Phil: morons! You wanna be stomped? Gah..I can taste my liver..Everythings going black..

Wolf starts wailing loudly and the spotlight shines on the group

Samoa Joe: Fuck hiding, let's fight!

The group runs forward. A Gekko runs forward but That Hispanic Guy pulls out his bullwhip and snaps it at the Gekko, wrapping the whip around its legs and causing it to the trip onto its face. Samoa Joe climbs onto the fallen Gekkos back and locks in his Coquina Clutch

Samoa Joe: TAP BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!

Dave runs up to a Gekkou, pulling a Minigun from nowhere


He fires it at the Gekkous legs and it slowly starts grinding down. It gives an alarmed "Moo" and falls backwards, only to have Shelley and Sabin start tearing it

Shelley: Even Gekkos can’t stand up to our money wanting needs, eh Sabin?

Sabin: I SPY A RADOME!!!

Shelley: RADOME!!!!

The Gekko that Joe has finally taps, but Joe rips its head off. A Random Guy runs up to the second Gekko and kicks it in the shin


The Gekko simply punts him into the far off distance, but Steve pulls a hand grenade out of nowhere and throws it at the Gekkos feet, causing it's legs to explode. Wolf runs forward and starts to slash wildly at the Gekkos head with her hands, eventually ripping its head off, all the while wailing loudly. She keeps on kicking and slashing at its fallen body. That Hispanic Guy slowly steps back

That Hispanic Guy: Phil?!


Phil: WHAT?!

That Hispanic Guy: Wolfs gone psycho!


Phil: Let her! Just means there'll be less chance of a sexual attack for me tonight!

Wolf keeps slashing at the corpse, and Phil slowly stands up in the top floor before falling out of the window and landing on the awning..well, through the awning and into the plants

Phil: I...think my hearts now where my spine used to be...

Steve slowly steps away from Wolf

Steve: Wolfy?

She gets on all fours and howls. Steves jaw drops and he runs over to Phil

Steve: She scares me!!

Phil stands up and motions for the others to start moving.

Phil: My ribs have become part of my lungs, but that shouldn't bother you all!

He slowly stumbles forward and grabs Wolfs arm

Phil: Can you stop? You're really embarassing us

Steve looks around shifty-eyed as the leavers glare at him. Wolf hugs Phil so tightly 3 pops are heard

Phil: ...Owww.....

Wolf: Sorry..sorry..

Wolf puts one of Phils arms around her shoulder and smiles

Wolf: Love joo..

Phil: No peace, no sleep, no money have I not..

Steve puts the other arm around his shoulders

Steve: We love you!

Phil: Don't fucking push it..

They walk off into the distance as the camera starts to fade, but it opens again as we see Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin throw a net over Phil and start dragging him off


Shelley: Hey Sabin, I wonder how much Drebin would give us for him?

Sabin: Enough for a new TV!

Phil: LEMME GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The screen fades.