Well, they probably won't be too pleased at having to be called in..
The screen opens up with a shot of a random guy in a suit with a long waistcoat with his hands clasped together over his waist
Narrator / Morgan Freeman: One month ago..One man had a drea--
Phil dressed in a khaki shirt, grey pants and a red desert scarf over his head superkicks this man. He stumbles backwards and falls through the black curtain behind him, his legs sticking up in the air
Phil: What? Wasn't I supposed to kick him?
The mans leg twitches
Phil: Sorry Ron..let's do this again!
*BEEP* Take 2!
Narrator: Months ago, one man had a dream..a dream to--
A net is thrown over the man as Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin walk into the camera, grinning.
They stand there, staring at the camera and grinning.
Director: WHAT THE FUCK?! GET OFF THE SCREEN YOU CUNTS!!!
*Beep* Take 3!
Narrator: One month ago, one man had a drea--
The man is taken down by a spinning hubcap and he falls flat onto the floor. Steve walks over him with his hand over his mouth.
Steve: Oh! I am SO sorry! We were playing frisbee. I am so sorry!
Frank walks onto the camera and grabs the hubcap
Frank: Awww...you got blood on it!
Director: GET THE FUCK AWAY!!!
Steve flinches and scuttles off camera
*BEEP* Take 4
Narrator: Fucking hell...One man had a drea--
The man falls over and a small piece of string quickly disappears from his back
Screaming Mantis (Off camera): What? I didn't do shit!
Director: I SAW THAT STRING YOU BITCH!!
*BEEP* Take 5!
Narrator: For the love of--One man had a dream..
The man stands there with a black eye, grinning
Narrator: A dream which culminated in--
The man is pounced on by a huge mechanical wolf
Crying Wolf: Sowwee!!!
Crying Wolf bounds away and the camera pans to the man twitching on the floor
Director: Can we finish this already???!!!
*BEEP* Take 6......
Narrator: Months ago, one man had a--
The man runs off screaming as 2 whips are snapped at him repeatedly. That Hispanic Guy and That Random Guy chase him off with whips, cackling loudly. That Random Guy walks up to the camera and sticks his face into the lens
That Random Guy: HIYA MOM!!
Narrator: FUCK OFF YA RETARD!!!!
That Random Guy and That Hispanic Guy are rounded up behind the camera by men with tranquilizer rifles
*BEEP* Take..I lost fucking count
Narrator: One man had a dream..A dream which culmina--
A shower of flowers come from nowhere and tangle him up, making him fall backwards through the set. Bill, Sal and Vince conga in front of the camera, wearing Hawaiian shirts and wearing flower necklaces
Sal: Down at the copa! Copa cabana!
A margherita falls from the ceiling and the Director rolls up a newspaper, hitting Sal, Bill and Vince with it to shoo them off the camera. He looks at the camera
Director: AH! FUCK IT!
Mercenary Commercial Number 2
The scene cuts to the outside of a huge office building, seemingly made of glass due to the large amount of buildings. 2 suited office executives stand outside beside a Rolls Royce drinking coffee, until a missile shoots down and blows them up, leaving 2 pairs of smoking leather slacks
Raging Raven: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
Raging Raven swoops down and lands in front of the camera, sheeding her UAV wings and oxygen mask and facing the camera with her flowing black hair and hazelnut eyes
Raging Raven: Heya viewers! Welcome to the mercenaries! We never mistreat our employees!
The camera cuts to inside of the building. A suited employee is walking calmly between office cubicles, muttering to himself as he stares down at a clipboard. Phil and Frank walk behind him and they both shoot him with Desert Eagles, blasting his chest open and making him fall face-first down to the ground
Phil + Frank: We never use violence to promote our product!
The camera cuts to a hallway where Crying Wolf is chasing a man with a leather whip, dressed in her human form skintight latex suit. Will is busy making out with a female employee on the desk and a cupboard door behind the action is shaking violently. Screaming Mantis walks out in her human form with something that looks like a...long silver bullet?
Screaming Mantis: We never use sex to promote ourselves!
The camera cuts to the very top floor. The leather office chair behind a marble desk spins around and Liquid Ocelot sits there, wearing a silk suit, expensive sunglasses and dozens of gold chains
Liquid Ocelot: We are always careful with every penny of our funds!
A butler comes in behind the camera
Butler: Sir, your solid gold hot-tub is here to be installed
Liquid Ocelot: Aww, sweet!
The camera cuts to a room filled with sand, Sal is in front of a conga line with a hawaiian flower necklace, carrying a margherita, behind him is Steve, Dave, Vince, That Random Guy, Samoa Joe and AJ Styles, and that Hispanic Guy is laying on a sunbed beneath a UV lamp wearing black goggles
Sal: We are always committed to getting work done on time!
The camera pans down a hallway, passing Chuck Norris who is leaning against a wall drinking a styrofoam cup of coffee, it walks past several large pictures of Chuck Norris, one at the end of the hallway has the words 'WORSHIP ME' etched in gold above it
Chuck Norris: We would never make you feel forced to view our product!
In another room, That Other Random Guy, That Random Guy, Bill and Dean are busy playing in large sumo suits, bouncing off eachother in the middle of the offices gym, laughing over-energetically in joy.
Sal: We would never make your children addicted to toys!
Phil walks a hallway, behind him, Samoa Joe has just thrown Billy through the glass.
Phil: We're just wholesome, family entertainment!
The camera cuts down from the balcony of the reception where laughing octopus is twirling around a pole and stripping. A blind man is getting beaten up by Bob, while a midget named Moe and Dick Head the barkeep are wrestling. The receptions desk is set on fire and Rage Against The Machine start playing 'Sleep Now In The Fire' amongst the flames. The glass doors slide open and D-Generation X walks in wearing man thongs. As Phil leans over the balcony, Sal has just thrown a naked Screaming Mantis onto the head of Johnny Cash before he hops onto the balcony and jumps onto the back of a FROG soldier. Akiba is being led through the carnage on a piggyback given by Meryl as a mutated chicken Phall appears from nowhere as the scene cuts to the seemingly peaceful outside where Old Snake throws his cardboard box off and sniffs the air.
Snake: Ahh..Another day at work!
The top floor explodes and Ken Shamrock, Chuck Liddell and Chris Cornell have just thrown the butler out of the window on the 5th floor
Snake: We rock!
Mercenary Dandruff Buster Shampoo
Seductive Raging Raven Voiceover: Have you ever suffered from unsightly dandruff flakes? Ever wanted the smoothest shine from your hair? Well..here is the answer..
A scene cuts to Phil naked from the chest up. He is busy spreading the white froth through his hair with a sensual look on his face
Voiceover: Dandruff Buster! For the animal in--
Phil: OH FUCK! MY EYES!
Phil collapses to the floor, clutching his eyes. The lights turn back to color and the camera looks down at him, wearing his swimming trunks
Frank: Phil? Everything ok?
Phil: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THIS??!!! ACID??! IT FREAKIN' BURNS!!!!!!!!
Frank: Let's try another approach..
Solid Snake Voiceover: HEY?! Cuntflap?! Buy Dandruff Buster shampoo! Your hair sucks! It's greasy! When you scratch your head it looks like a fucking blizzard! Buy Dandruff Buster! FUCKING NOW!
A scene cuts to Solid Snake dressed in a khaki uniform bearing his teeth and growling at the camera, throwing a white bottle at the lens
Snake: BUY IT YOU FUCKING MEATBAG!!!
Frank: ......aaaand cut! That was awesome!
Zack De La Rocha walks onto camera and pats Snake on the back
De La Rocha: Maybe it was just a little underaggressive?
A clip of a hairy, bare-chested Frank holding a curved bottle of aftershave appears on the screen to sensual jazz music
Wills Voiceover: You wanna turn into a man from being a mouse? My new aftershave will do the trick...Erotica..For when you just wanna tease a womans pants off!
A clip of a topless Will with his eyes closed and a shirt around his hips, thrusting in front of the camera appears, with a pink-tinted screen
Wills Voiceover: It's illegal in 40 countries..it contains baboon hair, jaguar scent, and the mating hormone of a wild African Gorilla..It is the ultimate in sensual scent-sation..
It cuts back to Frank, who sprays some on his neck. He quickly collapses, screaming
Frank: WHAT IN THE NAME OF HOLY DOGGY FUCKING CHRIST?!!!! IT BURNS TO THE BONE!! OH GOD!! THIS STUFFS FREAKIN' NAPALM MAN!!!
Will rushes onto the screen, which is pink-tinted and with a moaning soundtrack taking place
Will: Frank! Everything cool?
Frank: NO!! I FEEL FREAKING PAIN, MAN!!
Will: That'll be the polystyrene and petroleum extract
Frank: ARE YOU FREAKING PSYCHOTIC?! GOD ALMIGHTY THIS STUFF FAILS ON SO MANY LEVELS!! IT BURNS!!
Will: It doesn't fail..
A naked Screaming Mantis appears from nowhere and pounces Frank onto the bed
Will (Over Franks screams): Erotica..for the devil in all of us..
Director: AND CUT!!
Frank stands up, covered in lipstick with his shirt torn to pieces, with Screaming Mantisstill clawing at his back
Frank: SHE BIT ME WILL!! NOW I LIVE FOREVER!!! THIS IS THE WORST THING EVER!!!
Frank screams as Screaming Mantis drags him down onto the bed yet again
Will: At least it works!
Mercenary Energy Blaster drink
Ken Shamrock walks on screen, holding a silver bottle with a picture of an AK-47 on it
Shamrock: Hi, I'm Ken Shamrock, former UFC Champion and Hall-Of-Famer. I am here to tell you about Mercenary Energy Blaster energy drink! You may be thinking, whats so different about this? Despite having 3 times your recommended allowance of taurine, sugar, caffeine and chemicals, it really gets you going..an example!
Shamrock walks over to Steve sitting in a cage. He pours some into a water bowl and Steve sniffs the air, picking up the bowl and drinking it. He stands still for a moment before twitching. His eyes go multi-coloured and he starts zipping around the cage as a blur before breaking out and shooting off camera
An explosion lights up Shamrocks features and he holds the bottle to the camera
Shamrock: Energy Blaster! BUY IT OR I'LL SNAP YOUR FUCKING ANKLE!!!
Frank: Fucking awesome!
Frank hands Shamrock a bottle of water and Shamrock drinks it
Shamrock: Damn, is Steve gonna stop?
The camera turns as Steve is dancing on top of a flaming car INSIDE THE STUDIO. Johnny Cash is below him, baiting him down with a piece of cheese attached to an tranquilizer rifle
Frank: He'll tire himself out..
We cut to the human form Laughing Octopus in her latex suit swinging around a pole. She grins and lightly slides her back up it before looking at the camera
Octopus: Hey peeps..ever wanted to please a man? Bring him to his knees? Make him drool over you? Buy new SeductoMercPole..
Bob trundles on screen with his eyes glazed over and That Other Random Guy grabs him in a headlock and pulls him off screen
Octopus: So sexy that men will die for you..
She gives a seductive kiss and wink at the camera
Frank: CUT! That was perfect!
De La Rocha appears on camera, having to restrain Tom Morello who is clawing towards Laughing Octopus
De La Rocha: It certainly works! CALM TOM!
Morello: I!! WANT!! LAPDANCE!!
Obese Maurice slowly wanders onto the set, but Vince, Phil, Dean, Billy and Sal all dogpile onto him, with Johnny Cash and Randy Couture dragging him away. Tom keeps clawing at the amused Laughing Octopus
Tom: MINE! MINE! I WANTY!
Frank: Ummm..Ok Tom..Keep him outta here!!
Morello: NOOOOO!!! BOOOOOOBIIIEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!!
His screams fade into the distance and Phils hand gives the thumbs up on camera
The scene cuts to a weedy looking men sitting on the edge of a bed. The lights are dimmed, the candles are lit, but this man is skinny. He fluffs the pillows slightly as Will bursts through the wall
Wills Voiceover: WASSUP FREAK?! YOU ARE SO SKINNY I CAN SEE WHAT YOU HAD FOR LUNCH!!
Jonny 'Akiba': H-Hey!
Will: BE A REAL MAN! BUY MERCROIDS! YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE WITH THAT WOMAN! SHE WANTS A REAL MAN! A MAN LIKE ME!!
Will runs out from the wall in the hole as a seriously muscled-up chiselled man of perfection walks through the hole. He has a brown wig and a fake moustache to make him look like Will
Jonny 'Akiba': F-Fuck! Are you Olympian Jay Cutler?!
Jay Cutler: SHUT UP WEED! I AM WILL!
Akiba: No you ain't!
Silence. Jay Cutler walks forward and hurls him through the hole in the wall as Meryl jumps onto his back
Meryl: Oooo...a real man!
Frank: Aannd done! Fucking brilliant!
Phil walks onto camera
Phil: JAY FREAKIN' CUTLER?! HOW DID YOU GET JAY CUTLER TO APPEAR IN OUR ADVERTS?!
Jay Cutler: Frank promised me some cameo appearances! And money. Lots of money.
He eyes at Frank, who flashes a duffel bag with a dollar sign on it
Phil hi-5s Jay Cutler and That Random Guy runs on screen, making the metal sign and headbanging
Metal Gear Mercenary Action Figures
Sal, Dave, Bob and Vince appear on screen, clutching cellophane boxes
Sal: Kids! Buy our action figures!
Dave: NOW! I HAVE ACCESSORIES! INCLUDING A WORKING RIFLE! A WORKING MAGNUM! A WORKING ROCKET LAUNCHER!
Bob rips open the packing of his and presses a button on his back
Bob Action Figure: *Sigh*
Bob: Aww..come on!
He presses the button again
B.A.F: Am I always so unlucky?
He does it again
Sals figure starts breakdancing while firing pellets from a mini AK. Vinces just stands there, scratching its ass.
Sal: Its so like the real thing!
Johnny Cash appears on screen and sets his action figure down. The other action figures run off screaming.
Franks action figure swings down from the camera and turns to the lens, drinking a mini bottle of whiskey before falling off
Dean (Off camera): They ARE like the real thing!
Frank: FUCK YOU!
The scene cuts to a dojo which is empy except for one man as it seems at the moment. Samoa Joes top half is visible and his arms are folded, giving a mean stare into the depths of the camera and our souls
Samoa Joe: I am former TNA World Champion, NWA Heavyweight Champion, X Division Champion, ROH Champion..Basically, I am a wrestling god! You wanna try and punk me out? Come to CQC Classes today! I'll show you how the mercs and their cameo appearing friends REALLY dish it out!
The camera zooms out and we see Billy punching an already-dead guy against a wall. Steves snapping a mans neck to pieces. AJ Styles is stomping another guy on the floor and Sal is busy smashing another guys head into a bloody pulp. Samoa Joe sneers.
Samoa Joe: Look the fuck out! My army is here!
Frank: And cut!
The violence continues and Samoa Joe walks forward, Frank hands him a bottle of water
Frank: Shouldn't they be stopping?
Samoa Joe: Leave them, they'll tire themselves out!
Billy throws his opponent through a wall and Sal has just sent his opponent through the floor
Sals Psychoanalysis Clinic
Homely, gentle music plays as we see Sal sitting in the centre of a circle consisting of Obese Maurice, Vince, Eddie Hitler, Chuck Liddell, Dave, Crying Wolf and Phil
Sal: Hello, my name is Sal, one of the more calmer mercenaries..and as such, I have opened a new psychoanalysis clinic..come and talk to people with problems like you, and make new friends!
Vince: I always wanted to be a supermodel..BUT I WAS TOO FAT!!
He starts crying and Obese Maurice pats him on the back
Obese Maurice: Its ok laddy..we know the pain..
Vince: I LOVE FRIED CHICKEN! THOSE BASTARDS MADE ME RESORT TO CAKE! I WILL KILL THEM ALL!
Vince starts sobbing as he rubs his earlobes
Crying Wolf: I'm a sex addict..
Phil nods slowly, but Crying Wolf turns to him
Crying Wolf: Wanna do IT?
Phil shakes his head and Crying Wolf slumps back in her seat, sleeping. Sal holsters his tranquilizer pistol in his denim jacket
Sal: Some techniques need working on, of course
Eddie Hitler: I have beer problem!
Chuck Liddell: I have a violence problem..
Dave: I have a people problem!
Dave: 'Fuck you looking at, Chuck?
Liddell: Fuck you asswipe
Dave stands up and hurls himself at Chuck Liddell, who starts punching him in the jaw
Dave: STOP HITTING ME!!
Liddell keeps on hitting him and Eddie picks up a chair, hurling it at Liddell. Obese Maurice stands up and starts to bearhuge Eddie. Phil quickly runs off and Eddie leaps at Vince, smashing him violently in the nose with his forearm
Sal: There are some teething problems, of course!
The floor sets on fire and Sals eyes widen
Sal: Not again, Dave!
Dave stands up, holding a lighter and laughing maniacally
Director: AND CUT!
Sal: YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS! MAKING ME LOOK INCOMPETENT! I HOPE YOU ALL BURN IN HELL!
Director: Calm Sal..
Sal: Fuck you buddy boy!!
Sal hits the Director with a huge haymaker to the jaw as Chris Sabin gives a thumbs up to the camera
Sabin screams and runs off as Sal gives chase
An empty room is shown. The camera watches as Frank dials a number on his phone. The ceiling smashes through and Slash and Rage Against The Machine fly in on jetpacks. A stage immediately erects and they land on it, starting to play 'Bullet in the Head'. The door collapses as Jay Cutler, Samoa Joe, AJ Styles, Chuck Norris, Johnny Cash and Ken Shamrock burst through
AJ Styles: PARRTTTAAYYY!!!
A refreshments table appears from nowhere and Ken Shamrock starts dancing in the fruit punch and Jay Cutler dances around with a lampshade on his head. The wall to the right collapses as Phil, Sal, Vince, Dave, Will, Billy, Bill, Steve and Jon walk on through. Phil pulls a smoke machine from under his shirt and sets it down. Steve starts dancing waving a trident in the air as the wall to the left collapses and Jay Cutler walks through swinging an ice statue in his hands
Cutler: CABANA TIME!!!
Four poles slide out of the stage in front of Rage Against The Machine and Slash and Laughing Octopus, Screaming Mantis, Raging raven and Crying Wolf start poledancing in their human forms. Old Snake randomly runs into the building swinging a cobra around his head as Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin ride in drinking Cobra beer. That Hispanic Guy starts whipping a basketball hoop, thinking its an enemy as Liquid Ocelot and his FROG troops waltz in
Liquid ocelot: PARTY PARTY PARTY! I WANNA HAVE A PARTY!
He runs in and starts doing a 70s-style dance and an afro grows on his head as the FROG troops breakdance. Phil climbs onto the stage and gives the metal sign before jumping down. Flowers fall from the roof and Jonny, Meryl, Ed and Jonathon waltz in, carrying crates of beer. Jeff Jarrett walks in and smashes a guitar over Jonnys head before walking in and draining the fruit punch while Shamrock is busy twirling on a pole with Screaming Mantis. Frank faces the camera and gives the thumbs up
Morgan Freeman: Super parties! Because your parties are lame!
Morgan Freeman walks in wearing a silk dressing gown and smoking a cigar, patting Frank on the back as Will runs by piggybacking a naked Screaming Mantis
Frank: I LOVE YOU MR. FREEMAN!!
Frank hugs him as Jay Cutler and Sal start to breakdance on the stage. Phil walks through with a naked Crying Wolf hugging his back and Jeff Jarrett smashes a guitar over the camera, turning the screen black.