Another (Mercenary Bites The Dust) - Part II

We return to where we left Lynch: Stuck in the pantry, inside the hotel in the middle of Aokigahara, with Dean and Vince trapped inside with him. Lynch is busy strangling Vince as Dean watches, somewhat bemused as Vince begins losing his breath, turning a slight shade of blue as Lynch clasps his hands tighter around Vince's throat.

Lynch [Growling]: POP! POP, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!

Dean [Clearing his throat]: Uh, Lynch--

Lynch [Looking over his shoulder with his hands around Vince's neck, hissing]: WHAT?!

Dean: We should probably not try killing our own. Also, we should spend energy trying to get out of here.

Lynch turns his head and looks at Vince before pulling away. Vince gasps and croaks for air, rubbing his throat. Lynch twists around and walks over to the door, grasping a small metal handle and pulling it violently: The door is stuck tightly.

Lynch [Growling]: It's no use.

Lynch slams his foot against the handle: Nothing but an echoing thud.

Dean: Man, you think there'd be a safety feature to stop people getting stuck in here.

Lynch slams his fists roughly against the metal door, letting loose a resounding bang.

Lynch [Angrily]: Fuck this place!

Vince: Well, you wanted to stay--

Lynch [Pointing at Vince without looking at him]: If you say anything else, I'll put your head through the fucking door.

Dean: That's a good plan!

The three men fall silent as footsteps echo off of the tiles in the kitchen. Dean and Lynch step backwards away from the door, listening carefully.

Dean: Well, we're fucked.

Vince: Any last words?

Lynch [Muttering]: The only easy day was yesterday...[Angrily]....BEFORE WE CAME TO THIS STUPID PLACE!!!!!

The footsteps grow louder. Vince looks around desperately, presumably for a weapon. Dean and Lynch simply watch the door with steely-eyed determination, having accepted their grim fate.

Dean [Quietly]: So, who is it? A creepy woman with a slit mouth or the ghost of a samurai sprouting up for no apparent fucking reason?

Lynch [Grimacing]: Oh, please be the fucking latter. Maybe it'll be quicker.

Lynch, Dean and Vince can only watch on as the door opens, a crack of light filling the room as a shadow appears in the doorway..........who reveals himself as Eligio as he reaches in and turns to his left, flicking on a lightswitch that they apparently did not know was there.

Eligio: What are you all doing in the pantry?

Lynch: We were locked in here!

Eligio [Shrugging]: Well, let's go.

Vince, Lynch and Dean [Desperately, in unison]: THE DOOR!!

The door begins to shut. Eligio turns around, grasping the door and shoving it open again before twisting around and placing his back against it, holding it open for them.

Eligio [Chuckling]: I'm not stupid, mi amigos. Come on, we need to find the others and get out of here!

Lynch [Walking out of the pantry]: How did you guys break out of the doors anyway?

Eligio: We took the fire exit route. We don't know what was blocking the double doors but it was too stupid to block the fire door, at least!

Lynch: Have the others joined you? Or have they ran off like little bitches?

Eligio: Mi amigos are there. Bob, Frank, Sal, Brick, Bill and Jon are there too. The others...aren't.

Lynch: Where the fuck are they, then?

Eligio: Everyone else is running around randomly, trying to escape the many things that are intent on killing us for no apparent reason. The ones who are keeping their heads are keeping watch in the main hall.

Lynch: Right, well, let's find everyone else and try to gather them, then.

Dean, Lynch and Vince walk out of the pantry, following Eligio into the kitchen.

***

In the main room, Johan and Mustafa have since opened the doors outside, placing their backs against the heavy doors to keep them open. Inside the main room itself, Melvin, That Other Random Guy, Marcos and Bobby are stood around the chandelier. That Other Random Guy is still stuck within his sleeping bag, standing there and looking around aimlessly.

That Other Random Guy: Can someone please get me out of this fucking sleeping bag?

Johan walks over, leaning down and reaching into his right sock, pulling out a bowie knife and approaching That Other Random Guy, whose eyes widen.

That Other Random Guy: Fucking hell, Johan, be careful!

Johan: You know me.

Johan grips the strings of the sleeping bag, pressing the tip of the blade between them. That Other Random Guy breathes in as Johan swipes the blade down, hacking through the cloth and padding with ease and making a small incision, roughly two inches. Johan sheathes the blade in the back of the belt around his cargo shorts and grips the bag either side of the cut, pulling his arms apart and tearing the bag open violently. That Other Random Guy steps out, dusting off his sky blue Hawaiian short and beige cargo shorts.

That Other Random Guy: Thanks, buddy.

Bobby [Looking around]: Where the hell are the others?

Frank [Leaning over the balcony to their left]: Up here!

Sal quickly appears behind Frank.

Sal [Quietly]: I've come for you.

Frank yelps suddenly, tipping over the railing and screaming, hitting the floor with a crash. Sal leans over the railing, pointing down and laughing loudly. Brick bursts out from the Eastern wing, grabbing Sal's legs and tipping him over the balcony. Sal screams, falling downwards and onto Frank, who twitches in pain.

Frank [Screaming]: YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!

Brick [Smirking, nodding]: That's right!

From the Western wing emerges Jon, shoving the doors open and smacking his lips, grasping the railing and looking across at Brick.

Jon [Calling over]: Brick, i'm light-headed, what now?

Brick [Shrugging]: We get some more when we leave!

Melvin [Looking up and laughing]: Hey, look at Jon, our happy little stoner!

Jon [Screaming angrily]: FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING MOTHER!!!!!!

Melvin [Laughing]: Oh, Jon, you're so easy to anger!

Jon vaults over the railing, landing on his feet on the floor below. His legs buckle violently and he hits the floor, clutching his right leg.

Jon [In pain, angrily]: FUCKING ANKLE!!!

Mustafa [Looking over at Jon]: Goddammit, Jon, don't fall a great height onto your feet. That's just asking for a dislocation.

Jon [In pain, angrily]: I'LL REMEMBER THAT FOR THE FUTURE!!!!!!!

Brick walks down the stairs as Maurice and Moe walk out from the Eastern wing with Bob in tow. Phil, with Jericho, Steve and Ivan in tow, walk out from the Western wing. Jericho begins buttoning up his trench coat.

Jericho [Calmly]: Well, i'm ready to leave.

Ivan: Vell, it vas fun vhile it lasted.

Karab and Samuel walk out from the Western wing behind Phil.

Karab: Well, here we go.

Phil: Where's the boss, anyway?

Bill [Looking up]: We think he got stuck in the pantry or something.

Phil: Lynch? In the pantry? Fucking hell, was the Kuchisake-Onna gonna eat him?

Bob: Could be worse.

Samuel [Slyly]: Yeah, could be tentacles.

Bob [Narrowing his eyes, looking over at Samuel]: Fuck you.

Samuel, karab, Phil, Jericho, Steve and Ivan head down the stairs to join the group, as do Maurice, Moe and Bob.

Melvin: I wish he'd hurry up. It feels like we're about to be ambushed at any minute.

Bobb [Cracking his knuckles]: Nothing's going to ambush us while we're here, little man.

The doors to the Eastern wing open and Will slowly peers his head out, looking around cautiously.

Will [Calling out]: IS THERE ANYTHING DANGEROUS OUT THERE???

Mustafa [Looking up at Will]: All of us!

Will [Hesitantly]: No, I mean...something that could kill me!

Mustafa [Chuckling]: All of us!

Will [Sighing]: I mean some weird Japanese thing!

That Other Random Guy: Come on down, you big baby! We're safe here!

Will is shoved roughly through the doors as Dave and Robbie appear behind him.

Dave [Angrily]: MOVE IT, YOU BIG BABY!!

Will [Angrily, spinning around]: FUCK YOU, GAY BOY!!

Dave grabs Will by the throat, forcing him backwards against the railing and glaring at him.

Dave [Quietly]: I swear to God that I will snap your neck should your mouth open again.

Will gulps and Dave pushes him away, walking down the stairs.

Robbie: Seriously, why are people thinking we're gay? Sal hangs out with Vince and Billy in a secluded mansion and yet no-one thinks he loves cock!

Sal [Looking up at Robbie]: That's because they fucking disgust me! If I was gay, i'd go for someone a lot better!

Steve: Don't lie, Sal.

Sal [Scoffing]: Well, sorry if I have high standards, Steve!

Samuel: ...Why are we even having this conversation?

Finally, from the Western wing, emerge Billy with Johnny and Tim in tow. Johnny and Tim are looking around cautiously as Billy swings his sock filled with bars of soap around his head.

Sal: Speaking of homosexuals!

Billy [Calling out]: WHO'S READY FOR A POUNDIN'?!

Bill: Hey, Billy, we're all safe here.

Billy: Ach, I was talkin' about who wants it in general! [Walking over to the railing and looking down at the mercenaries]: Specifically yeh, Will!

Will [Sneering]: Come and get it, skirt wearer.

Billy rushes to the stairs, sprinting down them. Will screams, rushing towards Bobby and huddling behind him as Billy rushes over, swinging the sock threateningly around his head.

Billy [Angrily]: YEH CANNAE HIDE FOREVER, WILL!!

Will: I can and will!

Bobby clears his throat, side-stepping to the left and leaving Will unguarded. Will looks up, whimpering.

Will [Laughing nervously]: Hey, Billy!....Don't kill me!

Jericho: Die with some bloody courage!

Will [Bluntly]: Never.

Johnny and Tim walk downstairs as the dining room doors are thrust open. Lynch, Dean, Eligio and Vince walk through the doors and into the main hall, looking around.

Lynch: Alright, follow me. We're going to get my phone. And we should probably get the sugar glider too.

Lynch walks forward, the mercenaries following as he begins to walk up the left-hand set of stairs. The mercenaries are sticking together in a tight huddle.

Johan: Can we get any closer?

Frank: Hey, we should stick close: I don't want to die!

Sal: Everybody knows that it's the dude at the back dies first.

Frank: No, it's the person at the front who dies first.

Eligio: Sometimes its a guy from the side who gets picked off.

Lynch sighs, stopping.

Lynch [Looking over his shoulder]: What do we do, then?

Phil [Stepping forward, suddenly wearing a full set of Centurion armour, complete with crested helmet]: FORM TESTUDO!!!

Lynch [Sighing darkly and facepalming]: Please no..

Jericho: It's a good idea. We get a load of shielding stuff, hold it over our heads and to our sides, the guys in front hold shields in front of them, guys at the back hold shields in front of them. Voila! Mobile protection!

Lynch's eyes suddenly widen and he snaps his fingers.

Lynch: TO THE DINING ROOM, THEN!

Lynch and the mercenaries rush through the double doors and into the dining room.

***

The doors into the Western wing open and two tables, placed vertically, slowly squeeze through the doors with Johan and Marcos carrying them. Sidestepping behind them are Bill, Jon, Brick, Dave, Robbie and Vince to the right, carrying tables horizontally, with Johnny, Tim, Mustafa and Bobby to the left, also carrying tables horizontally with Mustafa and Bobby carrying one table themselves. Behind them are Eligio, Melvin, That Other Random Guy and Billy, carrying tables horizontally and blocking in the rest of the mercenaries. In the middle of the huddle stands Phil, still dressed as a Centurion, with Lynch in front of him. For some reason, Maurice, Sal, Jericho, Ivan and Bob are holding chairs up to the ceiling. The testudo of tables slowly shuffles down the corridor. Phil looks around.

Phil: Alright, where are we going?

The testudo stops.

Dean: Y'know, where do people go when their house is haunted and they're under attack by malevolent spirits?

Moe: They usually run around the house. Screaming. And running into the dead corpses of their friends. Sometimes they run outside, alone, in a random direction. Into the dead corpses of their friends.

Tim: Lotta death, huh?

Johnny: As long as we stick together, we should be fine..........hopefully.

Lynch: Okay, so, does anyone have a mobile phone?

The mercenaries look around at eachother, shaking their heads and letting out a resounding 'No' amongst them.

Lynch: So, we're on the right track, cause we gotta get my phone.

The testudo slowly, silently begins to move forward.

Phil [Singing suddenly]: Who do you think you are kidding Mister Hitler, if you think we're on the run?

Jericho: Don't, Phil. Just don't.

Mustafa: And technically, we ARE on the run.

The testudo continues slowly moving up the hallway

Vince: Guys--

Lynch [Angrily]: WHAT?!

Vince: Jisatsu means 'Suicide'. Just thought i'd let you know.

Jon: So, we're staying in Hotel Suicide?

Eligio: It's better than the Hotel California.

Mercenaries [Singing jovially, all in unison]: WELCOME TO THE HOTEL CALIFORNIAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

Lynch [Laughing]: Sweet Baby Jesus, I hope we can leave..

The mercenaries stop at the end of the hallway: Sal, Brick, Bob and Steve step aside and allow Lynch access to his door. Lynch walks into his room, slamming the door shut behind him. A small, tense silence follows.

Mustafa: I can't believe we're in a testudo.

Phil: Don't question the testudo.

Eligio: Seriously, Phil, you need to go to a doctor: You've got to be crazy.

Phil: Just because I am aware of ancient battle techniques. Which are working.

Tim: Until Foxy charges at us.

Dave: He'll just bounce!...........A ghost, on the other hand..

A small murmur of agreement goes up.

Phil [Coldly]: Shut the fuck up.

All of a sudden, a bloodcurdling scream is heard from Lynch's room, followed by pounding on the door.

Lynch [Screaming]: OH GOD, SOMETHING'S GOT ME!!

The mercenaries look around, screaming wildly as Lynch claws at the door. Frank runs forward, pulling violently at the handle.

Frank [Screaming]: WE'RE COMING FOR YOU, LYNCH!!

Lynch [Desperately]: HEEEEEELLLLLPPPPPPP!!!

Tim [Panicking]: OHGODOHGODOHGODOHGODOHGODOHGODOHGOD!

Tim drops his half of the table, bolting off down the hallway. Sal screams, running down the opposite end of the hallway and hurtling himself through the double doors. Frank wrenches the handle violently as it's pulled off in his hands. Frank gazes at the handle, screaming.

Bill [Desperately]: LYNCH!

Dean [Panicking]: Not good, Not good, Not good, Not good, NOT GOOD!!!!

Blood starts to pour through the hole where the handle used to be and the mercenaries drop their chairs and tables, scuttling backwards and screaming even louder. They stop, hearing laughter as the door is booted open violently and Lynch walks out, clutching a bottle of tomato ketchup and doubling over, clutching his stomach as he laughs wildly.

Eligio [Angrily]: HIJO DE PUTA!!!!

Lynch [Laughing, pointing at them]: YOU SHOULD SEE YOUR FUCKIN' FACES!!!!

Samuel: FUCK YOU!!!

Lynch [Slapping his thighs, laughing loudly]: Oh, God, you're killing me! Stop!

Dave [Angrily]: Fuck off, Lynch! Sal and Tim just ran away!

Lynch [Suddenly stopping laughing and throwing up his arms]: Oh, for FUCKS sake! Can you assholes just stop running for a few seconds?!

Johnny: We really should get them!

Lynch [Sighing bitterly]: We'll go to the main hall and we'll wait for them. THAT'S ALL!

Mustafa: But they might ran into a masked man and get eviscerated violently!

Johnny pales suddenly.

Lynch [Sarcastically]: Ha ha, very fucking funny Mustafa. Look, shut up and move forward..............NOW, YOU FOUR! MOVE!

Eligio, Melvin, That Other Random Guy and Billy start moving forward as the testudo now begins to move up the hallway and towards the double doors. Lynch sighs, walking besides Phil as the testudo slowly moves forward.

Lynch [Coldly]: Bunch of faggots. Can't you guys stop running?!

Phil: It's in our nature: See danger, shoot it. Can't shoot it? Run the fuck away.

Frank: I think you'll find it's a very good reflex to have. Unless the enemy shoots you in the back. Then it's just a case of dying tired.

The doors are slowly pushed open by the tables as the testudo makes its way out into the hallway, slowly and awkwardly descending down the nearest set of stairs. Lynch spins his phone in his hand, whistling to himself.

Maurice: You sound oddly happy, lad.

Lynch: Well, we've got a phone. Just gotta get to Mount Fuji for an evac.

Brick: We'll be safe, guys!

That Other Random Guy [Mumbling]: I doubt that somehow...

As the mercenaries reach the floor, a knocking booms against the doors. The testudo, standing in the middle of the floor, quickly faces the doors.

Johnny: Aw shit!

Phil: Steady! Steady!

Jon [Looking around]: Ghosts don't knock. What the hell is it?

The knocking booms against the doors again. The mercenaries whimper, the testudo stepping backwards.

Vince: Maybe it's something evil!

Frank: Something foul!

Dick: Something sinister!

Phil walks out of the testudo, walking towards the door and grasping the handles, wrenching it open: A delivery boy, standing in front of a red moped and wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform, is standing there.

Pizza Delivery Man: Who ordered the Domino's?

The mercenaries fall silent. Lynch drops his table on the floor and steps forward.

Lynch: Yeah, we're hungry. That'd be me.

Sal: Sweet!

Pizza Delivery Man: Dude, I got here from Arizona in less than thirty minutes, I'm going to want a tip.

Lynch: Sure.

Lynch takes the pizzas before kicking the door shut.

Lynch [Impatiently]: HERE'S YOUR TIP: DON'T FUCK WITH A NAVY SEAL!!

Lynch turns to the group, nodding.

Lynch: Well, they're getting faster, at least.

Maurice: Bloody lovely, mate!

Lynch: Alright, ladies, stay here and hold the fort: I'm going to put these in the dining room where we can eat........We did leave a table, didn't we?

Melvin: Yeah, one.

Lynch: That'll do.

Lynch walks through the mercenaries and pushes his shoulders against the double doors into the dining room, forcing them open and walking inside. The mercenaries simply stand there, holding up their tables, and waiting.

Johnny: Hey, i'm curious...

Sal: What?

Johnny: ....Billy, what happened to Foxy?

A silence descends across the mercenaries.

Billy: That's a good question--

Seemingly on cue, the front doors open and the skeletal robotic form of Foxy the Fox bursts out. The mercenaries fall silent. Foxy screams. As does Phil. As do the rest of the mercenaries. Phil throws down his scutum and gladius, screaming and sprinting up the stairs, away from Foxy and bursting through the doors into the West wing.

Eligio [Watching]: The boy sure doesn't handle jumpscares well.

Marcos: What do we do about our cybernetic friend?

Foxy quickly twists around, sprinting out of the front doors for no apparent reason.

Eligio [Placing a hand on Marcos's shoulder]: Let him go. He is Japan's problem now.

Lynch walks into the main room from the dining room, looking around and narrowing his eyes.

Lynch: Where the fuck did Phil go?

Sal: Foxy came in and screamed at us, so he pissed himself and ran.

Lynch [Coldly]: Right, fuck it. We're eating and then making this last visit to the Eastern wing, gathering who we can, and THEN we're leaving. No ifs, no ands, no buts.

Vince: What about the--

Lynch: They're cowards. They will find their way. After all, that's probably what Dick, Al and Dion did. And stop this testudo shit.

As the mercenaries begin dropping their tables and chairs, finally stopping their nonsensical testudo, Tavi is heading towards the double doors towards the Eastern wing. Without warning, the Kuchisake-Onna suddenly appears in front of the doors, her wide grin glistening in the moonlight as she clutches her pair of scissors, snipping them threateningly.

Tavi [Quietly]: What do you want, you mad bitch?

Owner [Grinning eerily]: To kill the hairy barbarians.

Tavi cracks her knuckles, watching as the Owner slowly walks towards her. Phil rushes around the corner behind her in the hallway, noticing the Kuchisake-Onna and sprinting forward.

Phil [Energetically]: HEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Kuchisake-Onna twists around, only for Phil to throw himself through the air sideways, slamming the brunt of his body into the demon. The skinny form of the Kuchisake-Onna is sent to the floor swiftly as Phil lands on his feet, his Centurion helmet disloging from his head and rolling across the floor. Phil stumbles forward and looks at Tavi.

Tavi [Folding her arms]: Are you quite done?

Phil: Let's fucking get outta here!

Tavi: Are you suggesting we run away?

Phil: Me and you, let's run the fuck outta here, find the nearest road, hijack a car and head to Tokyo!

Tavi [Narrowing her eyes]: You mad bastard, if the others find out we've abandoned them--

Phil: They'd do the same to us,

Tavi [Shrugging]: You're right. Let's roll.

Tavi turns to the room to her left, wrenching open the door and walking inside. Phil follows as she grips the window in front of Room C, pulling it open and climbing out onto a thin ledge, leaping downwards and onto the grass below, rolling through the impact. Phil swings his leg through the window, lifting and looping his other leg through the window so he's sitting on the ledge.

Phil [Calling out]: LOOK OUT! HERE COMES NEW JACK! IT'S THE ORIGINAL GANGSTA NEW JACK! HE MADE GOOD ON HIS WORD!!!

Phil drops down from the window, falling downwards and hitting the grass with a crunch, rolling haphazardly through the impact as they both begin running up the driveway.

***

The mercenaries, with Lynch at the helm, enter the Eastern wing: Lynch walks forward, looking around. His foot collides with the centurion helmet, kicking it forward. Lynch looks at the floor, then at the windows, the third one of which has been opened. Lynch looks out of the open window, looking left and right.

Lynch: So, someone's got away.

Steve: Do you think it's Phil and Tavi?

Lynch [Pulling back, Sniffing the air]: I smell wet dog and piss. Must be.

Jericho [Leaning down and picking up the Centurion's helmet]: Yeah, it's definitely Phil. So he's gone. Are we missing anyone?

Lynch: Yeah, we've lost Dean, Karab and Samuel.

Frank: And Dick, Dion and Al!

Lynch: They've probably ran the fuck away by now.

Sal: Fuck, we're rolling in light!

Lynch [Determined]: Leave them! TOGETHER, WE WILL SLAP THE JAP OFF THE MAP!

The mercenaries go silent.

Johnny: Don't you think that was a tad racist?

Vince: A TAD?! That's some American propaganda you're spewing!

Samuel [In disbelief]: Fucking hell, Lynch! You can't just say that!

Lynch [Quickly]: My grandfather was a Marine, he said it ALL the time!

Johan: That doesn't make it any better.

Lynch: Look, shut up and follow me. We're only missing eight people. For a trip with a company from the Academy, i'd say that's a personal goddamn best.

Maurice: Bloody hell, Lynch, are we really gonna leave them?

Lynch [Turning to Maurice and clasping his hands on his shoulders]: Look here, big boy: I have never underestimated any of you. I also do not underestimate the cowardice of any of you, which means that I know people have ran the fuck away by now.

Johan: He does have a point.

Moe: Well, boss, let's go!

Lynch: First of all, we need to think of a plan of action: If we walk into a random direction, we will be walking into some kind of disaster or possibly cross a serial killer who will spend two hours murdering us in hilariously violent ways.

Vince: Well, we could head towards Mount Fuji. I mean, on top of Mount Fuji, I suppose we could get a signal for our phones and we could use it to phone Mother for an evac.

Lynch [Appearing slightly nervous]: Well, Vince, i'd rather it not come to that..

Brick [Snapping his fingers and grinning]: I COULD CALL ZEMUS!!     

Jon [Desperately]: Please, no.

Brick [Turning and looking at Jon]: C'mon, buddy, he owes me a favour and could pick us all up from Fuji!

Lynch: Sounds good to me.

Moe: But Zemus is crazy! Remember when we went to Bulgaria to save Eligio?! He was drunk!

Bob: But he...kinda got us there in one piece.

Lynch: Exactly. Now, follow me. We're going to Mount Fuji, we're calling in Zemus and we're getting the fuck out of here.

Lynch leads his few mercenaries out through the double doors and into the main hallway. Heading downstairs, Lynch leads his mercenaries outside, unaware that Dean, Karab and Samuel are still inside the mansion..

***

In Room B-2 on the Western wing, Dean is in the bathroom. He walks over to the toilet, sighing and unzipping his shorts.

Dean: C'mon, big boy..

Dean sighs loudly, beginning to urinate as crackling is heard in the bedroom, where Samuel is sweeping the entirety of the room with an ESP detector. Dean looks around in the darkened bathroom, shuddering his shoulders.

Dean: So, i'm alone. Peeing. In the dark. In a haunted house. How the hell do I frighten off the ghosts?...

Dean hums quietly, urinating for a few seconds before he bursts into song.

Dean [In a booming, acapella voice]: IIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSS THIS THE WAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY TOOOOO AMARRRRIIIILLLOOOOOO?!?!? EVERYNIGHT IIIIIIIII'MMMMMMMMMMMMMM HUGGING MYYYYYYYYYY PILLOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! DREAMING DREAMS OF AMMMMAAAAARRRRIIILLLLLLOOOOOOOOO!!! FOR SWEET MAAAAAAARIEEEEEEEEEE WHO WAITS FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girl: Try turning on the light.

Dean: ...........Well, it's a good thing i'm peeing, or I'd piss my pants.

Dean whistles to himself, quickly zipping up and flushing before turning around, turning on the light, nodding, clutching his head in his hands and screaming violently. Samuel quickly boots the door open and grasps the bathroom door, pulling it open.

Samuel [Panicking]: DEAN?!?!?

Dean: THELITTLEGIRLSPOKETOMEAGAIN!!!

Samuel: Alright, Dean, get up!

Dean [Screaming]: GOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDFUCKINGDAAAAMMMMIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!

Samuel [Impatiently]: DEAN!!!

Samuel pulls Dean to his feet, slapping him sharply around his cheek with his right hand. Dean begins to hyperventilate, and Samuel slaps his with his other hand, followed by a second right-handed slap. Dean keeps hyperventilating, and Samuel shrugs, slapping him with both hands at once. Dean reels backwards against the wall, shaking his head roughly.

Dean [Hastily]: I'm fine! I'm cool!

Karab pulls the bathroom door open, rushing in and looking around.

Karab: I heard screaming.

Samuel: It was just Dean.

Karab [Crestfallen]: As always.

Dean [Bluntly]: Fuck you.

Karab: Well, I come bearing bad news.

Samuel: Go on.

Karab: The others have left, gone outside.

Samuel: So, we're all alone in here?

Dean [Narrowing his eyes]: Calculations say that we're utterly screwed.

Samuel: No, we're not.

Dean: Why?

Samuel: Group huddle.

Karab, Dean and Samuel huddle up, placing their arms around eachothers shoulders.

Samuel: We go into the kitchen, take all the salt we can, and line the main doorways. That'll stop ghosts and spirits. For everything else, we take some gas canisters from the kitchen. We place one in the western wing, one in the eastern wing, light them and throw lit books of matches into the room. That should cause enough fire and damage to begin burning the place down.

Dean: And if there are no gas canisters?

Samuel [Calmly]: Trust me, I know that there will be very conveniently placed gas canisters.

Karab: Let's not wait, then.

Samuel, Dean and Karab head through the double doors and into the dining room. They look ahead at the lone table standing in front of a rough stack of tables and chairs: Sal and Tim are standing there, eating pizza.

Dean: ...Uh, hi?

Sal [Turning around and waving]: Yo.

Samuel: ....Why are you guys here?

Tim: ....Pizza.

Samuel: But...we need to destroy the inn.

Tim: Oh. Well....pizza?

Dean [Looking at Samuel hopefully]: Pizza?!

Samuel [Sighing]: ...Pizza.

Dean runs towards the giddily table as Karab and Samuel sigh in unison.

***

Outside, the mercenaries who begin to escape from the inn are heading south towards Mount Fuji. The sea of trees unfolding in front of them completely obscure their view, something multiplied by the fact that darkness has fallen, lending itself to the eerie, still atmosphere of the forest. The only thing that can be heard are leaves and twigs crunching and snapping underfoot as the mercenaries march forward.

Johnny: So, is this your first trip where we've left with more than people than are returning?

Lynch [Coldly]: No.

Bill: That's a stupid question. I bet Lynch has seen hundreds of people die under his command!

Lynch: No, I just abandon the stupid cunts.

Bill: Charming.

Lynch stops, as do the other mercenaries: In the darkness, their mindless wandering is pointless, only serving for them to lose their sense of direction and drive them deeper into a cold, unforgiving forest. Frank snaps his fingers suddenly.

Frank: Let's follow the northern star!

Frank points up to the sky, directly at the canopy of leaves and branches that completely obscure any and all views of the sky above them.

Lynch [Looking up, Sarcastically]: Fuck me, I see a beacon of hope!

Frank [Chuckling, lowering his hand]: My mistake--

Lynch [Sarcastically]: NO, REALLY, I SEE IT! IT'S RIGHT FUCKING THERE! AS CLEAR AS THE FUCKING DAYLIGHT!

Frank: Alrigh--

Lynch [Sarcastically, clapping]: PRAISE BE TO BABY FUCKING JESUS! WE ARE SAVED!! [Turning to Frank] Please go one second without being retarded.

Dave [Laughing]: You know that's impossible, Lynch!

Moe: So, where do we go?

The mercenaries fall silent.

Vince: Well, this inn is to the North. Right now, we're heading South, right?

Lynch: Not a fucking clue.

Vince: Well...let's head off in one direction! I mean, we keep walking and surely we'll escape, right?

Lynch: Fine, but you take the lead. You can die the horrendously violent death.

Vince sighs, turning left and walking off into the forest. The mercenaries quickly follow, the unnerving silence surrounding them.

Billy: Yeh know, Foxy is oot here.

Mustafa [Cracking his knuckles]: Let the robot come.

Bill: I hate this place..

Jon [Darkly]: We all do.

Billy: Ain't that bad.

Jon [Darkly]: We're in the middle of a forest famous for being a suicide hotspot.

Jericho: Could be worse.

Jon: How?

Jericho: Could be in England.

A murmur of agreement rolls across the mercenaries.

Bob [Quietly]: There's nothing wrong with England..

Jericho: I'm English and even I admit that England has problems.

Vince [Piping up]: Guys, I hear water....we must be close to Lake Saiko.

Lynch: Does that mean we're getting closer to Fuji?

Vince: Well, we have to pass over quite a few roads to get there.

Lynch: .....So, we'll be out of this fucking forest soon?

Vince: Quite soon. Still a fair amount of walking to do. Saiko will provide us with a clearing to let us get our bearings.

Bob: Thank God for that. This place smells weird and i'm pretty sure there's corpses lying around.

Vince [Chuckling]: Oh, there are a lot of corpses lying around. And, literally, hanging around.

Eligio [Sarcastically]: Such a wonderful place to go on holiday!

Lynch: Hey, it's a Halloween holiday, we wanted to go somewhere spooky.

Will [Scoffing]: Did we really? DID WE REALLY?!

Steve: Just because you wanted to be arrested for fondling someone on the subway...

Will [Smirking]: If only...

Steve: Will, if you do, you will get arrested, and the Japanese aren't known for being too accommodating towards foreigners who are arrested here. You'd have to search high and low for someone to communicate with the police for you.

Frank: And let's face it: Nobody in their right mind would defend you.

Will [Coldly]: Fuck off.

A sudden scuttling is heard behind them: The mercenaries stop, looking around.

Brick: Aw shit.

Jon [Cautiously]: What is that?

Lynch [Hissing]: Shut up for a second!

The mercenaries fall silent. Eligio yelps.

Frank: Eligio?!

The sound of a slap is heard, followed by a whimper.

Eligio [Angrily]: Fuck you, Melvin, keep your feet to yourself!

Lynch [Angrily]: Can you all just shut up for a few seconds?!

Bob: Maybe we're just hearing shit!

The mercenaries fall silent for a few more seconds. Another crackling of leaves is heard.

Brick: This is great, we can't see shit!

Frank: Did anybody bring an iPod or a phone?!

A murmuring rolls across the mercenaries, mostly in disagreement.

Lynch [In disbelief]: I told you to bring your fucking phones!

Maurice: We did nae think yeh were bloody serious, Lynch!

Lynch [Exasperated]: Of course I was serious! Right, shut up, hang on...

Lynch fumbles in his pocket, pulling out his mobile phone and pressing a button. The screen lights up and Lynch holds the phone outwards, scanning across the mercenaries who wince as the light passes across them. Moe waves his hand, standing between Johan and Mustafa, while Jon simply stands there with his arms folded. Lynch steps forward towards Eligio, Melvin and That Other Random Guy, shining the light across them.

Melvin: Boo.

The scuttling sounds again. Lynch turns around, shining the light behind him: Standing behind Will is the skeletal, mechanical form of Foxy, hook glistening in the moonlight. Every mercenary suddenly turns their head towards Foxy, their eyes widening.

Will: I've seen that look before!

Frank: Uh, Will--

Will sprints forward.

Will [Screaming]: I'M NOT AN IDIOT! I KNEW SOMETHING WAS BEHIND ME!!!

Foxy lets loose a loud screech as the mercenaries scream.

Frank [Pointing and screaming]: HOLY FUCKING BALLS!!!!!!!

Eligio [Screaming]: RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!

Every mercenary follows Will as Foxy gives chase. Without thinking, Mustafa twists around, holding out his right arm: Foxy collides with the trunk-like arm of Mustafa, sending itself to the floor. Mustafa twists around, pointing ahead.

Mustafa [Bellowing]: HE'S DOWN! KEEP RUNNING!!!!

Bobby: Nice on!

Eligio [Panting heavily]: Good job, mi amigo!

Bob [Screaming]: HOLY SHIT, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!

Bobby [Chuckling]: Damn, Bob, you should try chilling out.

Johan: Yeah, screaming will just make the robot angrier and tear you apart first.

Jon [Breathing heavily]: SCREAM, BOB! SCREAM LIKE A BITCH!

Bob [Angrily]: FUCK YOU!

The mercenaries burst forward, breaching through the perimeter of the forest and coming across a large, expansive lake, flanked by rolling hills and unfolding, lush fields. On the shoreline stands an old, wooden, somewhat decrepit, hut. The mercenaries skid to a halt, the clearing allowing them to catch their breath.

Lynch [Pointing and yelling]: AN ABANDONED FISHING HUT! WE CAN SHELTER THERE!

Jon [Angrily]: FUCK YOU! THAT'S JUST MORE BAD JUJU!

Lynch: ....Yeah! You're right! FRANK! BILL! MOE! Check out that fishing hut!

Moe [In disbelief]: FUCKING WHAT?!?!?

Frank: Hell no!

Lynch [Impatiently]: Orders are orders, cuntbags! Check it!

Moe, Frank and Bill exchange uneasy looks, walking across and to the fishing hut. Frank gulps, pulling the door open and walking inside: The hut is small and completely threadbare. The walls and floor are little more than wooden planks, the stench of mould permeating the air, with only a single, dusty window to let in the light.

Moe: Not a single item of furniture. Let's go.

Bill: Hey, shut up....What's that?

They listen carefully, an odd scratching being heard near the window. Bill grasps it and opens it, looking around before turning to Frank and Moe.

Bill: Hey, guess it was nothi--

Frank [Screaming]: OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU??!?!?

Frank points behind Bill who turns around: In the window, grasped onto the ledge, is a young woman with flowing black hair covering a naked and thin, almost skeletal, body. The demon pulls itself up, revealing a scythe being held in its mouth and only the upper half intact: The lower half of the 'body' is little more than the stub of a vertebrae, sliced raggedly.

Moe [Pointing]: It's the Teke Teke! A vengeful Japanese spirit, sliced in half at the waist, who has returned to enact bloodcurdling vengeance!

The mercenaries watch, Moe still pointing, as the Teke Teke struggles violently, pulling itself up the window and carefully balancing the scythe in its mouth. Bill steps forward, grasping the window and shutting it. The Teke Teke growls, tapping its head against the window as Bill turns around, walking back towards the group.

Bill: Nobody go near the fucking window.

Moe: Well, that's that sorted out. C'mon.

Moe, Bill and Frank turn around, walking out of the hut and shutting the door behind them, walking towards the mercenaries.

Lynch: Haunted?

Moe [Nodding]: Haunted.

Lynch: Alright, let's keep walking.

Lynch and the mercenaries turn to the right, walking south once again. As they do, an explosion roars in the distance behind them. The mercenaries turn their heads, watching as a violent plume of orange and black flames roars upwards towards the sky.

Frank [Pointing]: So, I'm guessing that's one of ours, then?

Bill: Random explosion in the middle of an unpopulated forest? That's definitely the work of Reject Company!

Bob: We should probably head there and....well, make sure that nobody is dead.

Johnny: They better not be dead! Some of us have got boyfriends to worry about!

Lynch [Walking towards the explosion]: Shut the fuck up and follow me. We'll find them.

Lynch leads the mercenaries towards the explosion, the scent of burning, acrid smoke filling the air.  

Jon [Darkly]: If they're crispy, we leave them alone.

Frank: Guys, have faith: if we caused the explosion, it means we outran it.

Will: Really?

Sal: Well, he's got a point: Nobody causes an explosion in the middle of a haunted forest unless they're a member of Reject Company, and everybody knows that whenever Reject Company primes explosives, they run the fuck away from it before detonating it.

Dave [Muttering]: Sometimes into oncoming traffic.

That Other Random Guy [Tutting bitterly, shaking his head]: Man, nobody could've seen that coming. Least of all poor Pepe.

Eligio: Who doesn't see an eighteen wheeler heading up a Brazilian road at eighty miles an hour?!

Bobby: Pepe didn't.

That Other Random Guy: Well, at least we know what the last thing was that went through his mind: The truck's front bumper.

Melvin [Chuckling]: Man, that's nasty.

Robbie: But true.

Lynch [Quietly]: They better be alive.

Will: Even if they aren't, nobody can blame you: After all, we ARE Reject Company.

Maurice: Have faith, lads.

Robbie: Why?

Maurice: Cause we're a bunch of ass-kickers, and some of us do have brains, like. We know to run away from burning buildings.

Melvin [Quietly]: So, uh, explain why we're walking towards one?

A small silence punctuates Melvin as the mercenaries continue walking.

Lynch [Coldly]: Shut up, Melvin. We know what we're doing.

Johnny: Do we?

Will: I doubt it.

Frank [Angrily]: YES! WE DO!

The mercenaries walk through a clearing: Ahead of them is Lake Saiko, the skeletal fishing hut ahead of them. Somehow, someway, by not paying attention and simply talking to eachother, they managed to walk in a complete circle.

That Other Random Guy [In disbelief]: Aw, what the fuck?

Billy: Well, shite, that's the fishing hut.

The mercenaries stand there, looking at the unfolding majesty of Lake Saiko, reflecting the beautiful moonlight.

Lynch [Calmly]: ......We're lost, aren't we?

Lynch falls silent as he listens to the sound of nothing but rustling trees and running water.

Vince: Yes.

Lynch screams loudly, turning to Vince and tackling him to the floor as the others watch on. The scene fades to black.

***

The scene, however, opens in a traditional Japanese ryokan. Though the location is unknown, the open fields and cobbled streets around it, as well as the fact that it is in the midst of a quiet town, sleeping as the stars sparkle in the night sky, indicates that it as far from Aokigahara as possible. In the bedroom, divided from the rest of the room by traditional paper dividers, Phil and Tavi are laid down on a futon, a small wooden cabinet upon which a small flat-screen television is perched at the foot of their bed. The television is off and both of them are simply laid there in the dark, huddled beneath the white duvet, looking at the ceiling.

Tavi: How do you think the others are doing?

Phil: Dead.

Tavi: Phil...

Phil [Shrugging]: Or wounded. or something. Why should we worry? We're laying in a comfortable bed, about to have a good nights sleep without having to worry about being stabbed.

Tavi: What will they say when they find out we ran?

Phil: The same thing that they'll say to Al, Dick and Dion.

Tavi: We--Wait, they ran?

Phil; Well, did YOU see them as we blindly ran away ourselves?

Tavi [Laying back]: ....Well, as long as they survive.

Phil climbs into the futon beside her, laying on his side and looking at her.

Phil: Of course they will. The best thing we can do now is not worry, call a priest in the morning and tell the bastard to get to Aokigahara.

Tavi: Until then?

Phil [Grinning]: Well, if you're feeling amorou--

Tavi [Bluntly]: No.

Phil: Well, goodnight.

Phil rolls onto his other side, closing his eyes. Tavi simply lays there, looking up at the ceiling.

Tavi; Phil?

Phil [Grunting]: Mm?

Tavi: In the morning, can we go to an onsen?

Phil [Grunting in agreement]: Mm.

Tavi: Then can we go to a restaurant that serves some yakinuku?

Phil [Grunting in agreement]: Mm.

Tavi: We can go to Akihabara?

Phil [Grunting irritably]: Mm.

Tavi: Was that a yes?

Phil [After a moments silence, grunting]: ....Mmhm.

Tavi [Clapping her hands slightly]: Yay!

Tavi flops her head down, closing her eyes. The scene fades to black.

***

Yet again, the scene opens. However, this time, the scene opens in Tokyo. Despite night encroaching, the city is very much alive and throbbing, the nightlife pulsating a rainbow of neon colours throughout the streets and the maze of alleyways that make up the beautiful city. Inside a Japanese pub, where the salarymen are relaxing and drinking following a hard day at work, Dion, Dick and Al are sat at a long wooden bar, bottles of Sapporo and pint glasses in front of them.

Al [Grinning]: Well, lads, it's Japanese but it's beer, and the Japanese do a good beer, or so i've heard. But, bollocks to it, cause we have certain traditions to follow!

Dion: Like?

Al : Well, we pour eachother drinks, and only then can we drink after giving a cheers!

Dick: Alright then!

Dick takes Al's bottle, and Dion takes Dick's bottle. Dion pours a drink for Dick and Dick pours a drink for Al. Al takes Dion's bottle, pouring a drink for him. Each man raises their glasses, falling silent for a few seconds.

Al: So, cheers?

Dick: How do they say it here?

Dion: Kanpai.

Dick [Smirking]: Bless you.

Dick, Al and Dion thrust their glasses into the air.

Dick, Al and Dion [In unison, energetically]: KANPAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIII!!!!!

Dick: Here's to not dying like wankers!

Dick, Al and Dion [In unison, energetically]: KAAAANNNNNNPAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIII!!!!!

Al: Here's to leaving the retards to die!

Dick, Al and Dion [In unison, energetically]: KAAAAANPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!

Dion: Here's to Tokyo!

Dick, Al and Dion [In unison, energetically]: KKKKAAAAAAAAANNNNPPPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!

They clink their glasses together as the scene finally fades to black.