Metal Gear Mercenaries : The Blast In The Past - Chapter IV - The Bain Of The Pain

The scene opens in complete darkness. A small detachment of our mercenaries found themselves collapsing into a crevice, followed by nothingness. A dark void. The absence of light. Nothing cries out.

Except for several thuds of flesh on rock.

And a few whimpers. And a deafening crash.

Snake, and the mercenaries, find themselves in Chyornoya Peschera Cave Branch. Having just fought off Ocelot, they found themselves engulfed by swarms of hornets and were forced to dive into the chasm. Unfortunately, now they find themselves in a cold, dank cave, with nothing but eachother and the pungent scent of rotting moss to accompany them.

Frank [Groaning]: Sooooooooooooo…..

Lynch: Frank? That you?

Frank: Yup.

Lynch: Where?

Frank falls silent for a few moments. Lynch’s eyes strain, desperately trying to get used to the darkness.

Frank: Here.

Lynch feels a hand touch his forearm.

Lynch: I need some fucking vitamin C when we get back to base.

Frank: I know, it’s dark as shit.

Frank moves his hand away, taking a sidestep next to Lynch, who can now just about make out the scraggly beard and doe-like eyes of his second-in-command.

Lynch: Anyone else?

Phil’s Voice: I’m here.

Lynch Ah, you’re alive.

Phil: Thanks for sounding so glad.

Lynch: You’re alive, that’s all you need.

Phil: Well, all I need is--

Lynch: I swear to fuck if the next word out of your mouth is ‘love’, I will shove my hands into your eyes and rip your fucking skull apart.

Phil: You’re so kind, boss.

Lynch: I don’t tolerate stupidity, Nolastname. You should know that.

Phil: And no shit jokes?

Lynch: Especially not.

Phil: Makes sense.

Johnny: I’m here too, by the way. That was a nasty fall, eh?

Bill: Yeah…Same.

Lynch: Where’s the asset?

Snake: Here.

Phil: Lynch, where are you?

Snake: Where are WE?

Lynch: Caves.

Snake: …Can you be more specific?

Frank: Dark caves.

Phil stumbles into Lynch, who grasps his shoulders tightly and plants his feet firmly down.

Phil: There you are, boss!

Lynch: At ease, Nolastname.

Phil: I would be, but you’re gripping pretty hard.

A pair of footsteps echo throughout the cave, heading towards them.

Lynch: Who goes there?

Jon: Hullo.

Phil: Hey there, Jawnny.

Jon: It’s Jon to you, fucko.

Mustafa: Me too.

Lynch: Right, do we have any light?

Silence. Sound of uncomfortable ruffling.

Lynch [Sighing]: Right, let’s find a wall--

A soft thud echoes out to their left.

Jon: Ow.

Lynch: …Jon, stick to that wall. We’ll follow it. There’s bound to be a way out if we follow it.

Jon: What if it leads to a dead end?

Lynch: Then we turn around and go back.

Frank: What if we head back to a dead end?

Mustafa: I’ll break through it--

Lynch: Then I’ll fucking kill you all for food and survive until someone finds me. Now.. [Clasping a hand on Jon’s shoulder] Lead the way. Frank, grab my shoulder.

Frank clasps a hand on Lynch’s shoulder.

Lynch: Right, here’s how we’ll do this: Bill, grab Frank’s shoulder. Johnny, grab Bill’s shoulder. Phil, grab Johnny’s shoulder. Snake, grab Phil’s.

Bill grabs Frank’s shoulder, Johnny grabs Bill’s shoulder, Phil grabs Johnny’s shoulder, and Snake grabs Phil’s.

Lynch: Mustafa, bring up the rear.

Mustafa: Why?

Lynch: Because if anything makes the mistake of attacking you, you’ll crush their bones into powder.

Mustafa: Of course.

Mustafa clasps a hand on Snake’s left shoulder, almost making him buckle.

Phil: Lead the way.

Lynch: MUSH!

Jon: Fuck off.

Jon, nevertheless, leads the group forward..

***

Inch by inch, the group snakes through the cavern, scraping across the rough, gnarled rocky walls in a desperate attempt to escape. Small amounts of light highlight their features, just at the bare minimum to have a rough idea that they are least moving forward. As Jon curls around, following the wall slightly to the left in a more open area, he stops suddenly, forcing the group to halt. A foul gust of cold wind blows through the air, causing the mercenaries and Snake to shudder.

Jon [Quietly]: I sense a dark, forbidding presence in here.

Vince’s Voice: GUYS! IT’S ME!

Jon [Hysterically]: KILL IT! KILL IT!

Bill: I agree! Fuckin’ shoot it!

Jon forces himself away from the group and swings his arms around aimlessly, something which is followed by a resounding thud.

Lynch: Did you get him?

Jon [Quietly]: My nose!

Frank: Vince, what are you doing here?

Vince: I was patrolling and then I fell in. But the weird thing is that I fell in with Billy.

Lynch: Is he alive?

Vince: I haven’t heard from him in a couple of hours. I just heard footsteps walk away and never return. It’s what I imagine Jon’s father did.

Jon [Angrily]: Fuck you, my Dad’s back in the Middle East guarding a bar! OUR BAR!

Vince: And before that?

Jon [Darkly]: I will slit your throat and drink the blood.

Vince: Isn’t that how you flirted with your first wife?

Jon: No!!

Phil: Wait, you were married?!

Jon: Yes! I WAS! WAS being the key word here!

Frank: Hang on, you said first?

Jon: And?

Phil: Jon, how many times have you been married?

Jon: Gimme a break, it’s only been three times.

Bill [Incredulous]: THREE?!

Lynch: Jon, dude, you’ve got some game. It ain’t good, but it’s game.

The sound of more footsteps approaches them, stopping suddenly close to them. Looking to their right, they can make out the muscular form of Billy, standing before them and clutching an SVD sniper rifle. Billy quickly rushes forward, hugging Lynch.

Billy: Thank feck! This arsehole was getting on me nerves!

Vince: But we were team ravine!

Billy: SHUT UP!

Lynch [Patting Billy’s back]: Don’t worry, we’re here.

Billy [Pulling back]: It’s been real fuckin’ tedious, lemme tell yeh lads.

Vince: We had a D and D game going!

Billy [Angrily]: IT’S SHITE WI’ ONLY TWO OF US!!! AND YOU WERE ALWAYS A FECKIN’ BARD!!!

Lynch: Ladies, calm down…We just need to get going. Where next?

Billy: Oh aye, we’re moving?

Lynch: Yes, Billy. We have the asset. We’re moving.

Billy walks forward and directs the group, pointing them down the cave corridor and towards a large, open cave where sunlight is pouring in, illuminating a small lake with a makeshift rock island in the middle of it.

Billy: Fresh water. Ish.

Vince: I mean, it tastes nice. And we’ve got to bathe in it, too.

Phil: Lucky bastards.

Lynch: Just…lead the way out. I’ve had enough of this cave.

Billy: On me, then!

Billy leads the group forward..

***

…And stands in front of the pool, looking up at the large hole in the ceiling of the cave letting in the watery morning sunlight.

Bill: Pretty.

Lynch [Impatiently]: Where now?!

Billy: Oh, this is it. I have no idea what lies beyond.

Lynch: Did you not bother exploring?!

Billy [Laughing]: Fuck that shite!

Vince: I’ll do it!

Vince slowly trudges forward and into the daylight…revealing that he is completely clad in the ghillie suit that he originally stepped through the wormhole in. Somewhat worryingly, the suit appears to be now afflicted with patches of actual moss and mould.

Lynch: Why the fuck are you still wearing that?!

Vince: Supreme camouflage!

Jon [Angrily]: WE’RE NOT IN THE JUNGLE NOW! WE’RE IN CAVES, YOU FUCKING INBRED MAGGOT!!

Vince [Angrily]: IT’S FUCKING CAVE MOSS!!!

Jon [Angrily]: YOU LOOK LIKE FUCKING SWAMP THING!!! YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYBODY!!!

Vince turns around, blowing a raspberry and holding up two middle fingers before flopping back-first into the water. Jon angrily stomps forward, but Frank holds out an arm.

Frank: Chill. Let him find a way. Or drown.

Jon: We can but fucking hope.

Mustafa: I CAN take care of him for you, boss.

Lynch: You could, but the court martial is a ton of boring fucking paperwork.

Bill: You’ve got no witnesses!

From behind the mercenaries, more wet footsteps echo. They turn around, watching as Steve and Ivan approach the group.

Jericho: There you are, lads! What happened? We all fell at the same time!

Ivan: Vell, I have claustrophobia. BAD claustrophobia. So, we hit the floor and I van. Very fucking far.

Steve: I followed to make sure he was safe. Eventually, we found this tunnel which had light. He still ran.

Ivan: Then ve van into Billy and Vince!

Steve: And he kept running.

Ivan [Reaching around his back and revealing a sawn-off barrelled pump action shotgun]: But I vound zis.

Steve: A shotgun, just abandoned in the caves! Amazing, eh?

Ivan: Ithaca Virty-Seven. Sawn-off. Four rounds of death.

Johnny: And you..just found it in a cave?

Ivan: Da—I mean, yes.

Johnny: And it still fires?

Ivan points it at Johnny.

Ivan: I believe so.

Johnny: Be nice.

Ivan: This is me being nice.

Lynch: Ready for a boss fight?

Several hornets rapidly buzz in front of them. Above them, near the opening, a swarm of them violently buzzes around.

Frank: Because here it comes, apparently..

Johnny [Sighing]: Not again..

Vince suddenly stands up in front of them, climbing out of the water and shaking himself dry.

Lynch: You alright, Vince?

Vince: I’ll be honest, Lynch: No. No I am not.

Vince pulls his hood back, revealing his wildly-unkempt, bearded face, and points to a hornet stuck in the tip of his nose. Lynch reaches forward, grasping the hornet and prying it free of Vince’s nose before crushing it between his thumb and forefinger.

Jericho: Can’t say I want to fight a guy who controls hornets.

Lynch: Neither do I. I despise hornets.

Bill: Then why are we?

Lynch: Because if we stay here, nobody’s gonna kill The Pain. What? Do you think time will run out and he’ll just drop dead?

Vince: If the guy’s body is a hornet’s nest, like a literal nest, I can’t imagine he’d last too long.

Phil: I know, right? Surely the hornets must be just fucking shredding him!

Snake: I find it hard to believe he is an actual living hornet’s nest.

The huge swarm of hornets descends onto the makeshift island.

The Pain: I’VE CAUGHT YOU AT LAST!! WE ARE THE SONS OF THE BOSS!!

In practically a flash, the hulking form of the Pain, clad in his distinctive balaclava and yellow-black striped camouflage, stands tall.

Lynch: Oh, fuck YOU.

Phil [Looking to the sky, pointing]: So, what is it this time? Nanomachines? Drugs? Nanomachine drugs?

Snake: Who are you talking to?

Jericho: Hideo Kojima, and boy he has a lot of explaining to do.

The Pain: I AM THE PAIN!!!

The Pain does a backflip, followed by several karate kicks and sweeps as the mercenaries stand at the edge of the water, bewildered.

Jon: Why? Every time, why?

The Pain [Dramatically]: I will guide you to a world of anguish beyond your imagination!

The Pain backflips before extending his arms, the hornets forming makeshift gauntlets around his forearm.

Snake: He’s actually a living hornets nest.

Steve: That he is. Guys? Open fire.

Mustafa: Finally, somebody’s talkin’ sense!

Every mercenary raises their assault rifle. Mustafa raises his machinegun. Snake raises his pistol. They all fire a hail of bullets towards the Pain. A few hit him, but the rest bounce off with the sound of metal. When the smoke clears, the Pain is now surrounded entirely by the hornets.

Mustafa [Slowly lowering his machinegun]: Are you fucking kidding me? Did anybody hear those fucking deflection sounds?! Like we were hitting metal?!

Brick: Fella’s….this is some fucked up shit.

Jon: Right, fuck it.

Jon dives into the water, swimming forward and towards a large rock jutting out of the water, opposite the Pain’s makeshift island. Jon surfaces, pulling a grenade from his belt and pulling the pin, tossing it towards the Pain. It..doesn’t explode.

The Mercenaries [In unison]:  A DUD?!?!

Lynch dives into the water, swimming forward and climbing up next to Jon, priming and throwing his own grenade. That, too, doesn’t explode.

Lynch: Fucking fuck.

Snake dives into the water, climbing onto the rock between Lynch and Jon. Ivan, Phil, Jericho and Steve dive into the water themselves, surfacing and climbing onto a rock to the upper-right of the island the Pain is currently on, giving them two directions in which to attack. Mustafa, Johnny, Brick, Billy, Bill and Vince stand in the entranceway to the cave, ready to lay down suppressing fire if necessary.

Steve: Right, what’s the plan?

Phil: We have a plan?

Ivan: Boom. Zat’s the plan.

Ivan reaches into his demolition satchel, pulling out a stick of dynamite. Vince dives into the water, swimming forward and surfacing close to the island the Pain is standing on, climbing up onto it.

Vince: Ivan! I’ll be the distraction for his hornets!

Frank: Uh, Vince? You know what that means, right?

Vince [Saluting]: I’M GOING TO DO YOU ALL PROU---OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!

Vince screams, the hornets swarming him as he falls to the ground, rolling to the left and into the water. This at least allows the mercenaries to open fire and Ivan to lob a lit stick of dynamite at the Pain.

Brick [Calling out]: VINNIE!!! YOU OKAY?!?!?

Johnny: …Well, he DID do his job.

Billy fires off a sniper shot as the dynamite explodes, causing the Pain to reel backwards in pain.

The Pain: The Paaaaiiiinnn….THE PAAAAIIIIINNNNNN!!!

Billy: Aye, I should feckin’ hope it does!!!

The Pain rips off his mask, revealing that his entire face is disfigured by bulbous hornet stings.

Lynch [Wincing]: JESUS, PUT IT BACK ON!!

The Pain reels backwards, but spits out three hornets which make bizarre plane sounds as they fly around him.

Jon [In panic]: OH WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE THINGS?!

Phil [Pointing at the hornets, dramatically]: BULLET HORNETS! THEY’RE LIKE BULLET ANTS EXCEPT NOT FUCKING REAL!

The Pain’s bullet hornets zoom around the cave and several mercenaries dive into the water aside from Lynch, Phil, Jon and Jericho. Lynch reels backwards, hit by a hornet now embedded in his right pectoral.

Lynch [Pulling the hornet from his chest]: Y’know, Nolastname, it certainly feels real and that’s what matters.

Phil [Pointing between his eyes at the bullet hornet lodged into his skin]: Way ahead of ya, boss.

Lynch grabs the hornet from Phil’s face, pulling it out and crushing it in his right hand.

Brick [Surfacing and spitting out water]: Dadgummit, what we gon’ do?!

Jericho: Succumb to the pain?..........Metaphorically?

Lynch: Here’s my idea.

Lynch swiftly draws his M16, firing several rounds towards the Pain. The hornets shield simply deflects the bullets away.

Snake: That was the plan?

Lynch [Lowering his rifle]: Damn. Need more gun.

Ivan [Climbing onto the rock opposite them]: I have more gun.

Ivan, holding the shotgun at his waist, fires off all four rounds. The hornet shield holds steady for two rounds, but the third blows a clear hole into the organic shield, with the fourth just barely scraping The Pain. Ivan slowly nods to himself, moving the shotgun into his left hand.

Lynch: Well?!

Ivan: Vell…vhat?

Lynch: Reload! Shoot his ass!

Ivan [Tersely]: I vound it on ze cave floor, Lynch! It only came vith ze fucking ammo it has in it!!

Lynch [Throwing up his arms]: Yeah, no. No, I don’t know why I expected differently.

The Pain [Cackling]: IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE?!?!?

The Pain is suddenly hit in the face violently by the thrown shotgun, causing him to stumble backwards, clutching his head in pain.

The Pain [In pain]: THE PAIN!!! THE PAAAAIIIINNNN!!

Ivan [Narrowed eyes, nodding]: Da. The fucking pain.

The Pain stands up straight, angrily bulging his cheeks and spitting off more several bullet hornets, causing the mercenaries to dive to the floor and into the water. Except for Jon, who looks around before looking down at a hornet embedded into his left pectoral.

Jon: Y’know, that actually hurts.

A second bullet hornet lodges itself into Jon’s upper right pectoral. Jon looks down at it.

Jericho [Surfacing]: Bet you’re glad to have nanomachines now, eh?

Jon: Yes, quite so.

A third bullet hornet shoots forward, lodging itself into Jon’s collarbone. Jon looks up at The Pain angrily.

Jon [Angrily]: WILL YOU FUCKING STOP?! I GET THE FUCKING MESSAGE!!!

The Pain: NEVER!!

Jon [Angrily]: I’LL KICK YOUR ASS!!

Lynch: Jon, you’re not kicking anything, the hornets are just going to stop you.

Jon: THEN HOW DO WE KILL THIS GUY, HUH?!?!? FIRE?!?!?

The mercenaries fall silent.

Jericho: We did burn back the hornets using makeshift flamethrowers..

Phil: But we ran out of fuel!

Jon: Well, we’re fucked then.

Brick: IF ONLY WE HAD A MIRACLE!!!

Lynch closes his eyes, rubbing his temples with his middle fingers. Almost as if on cue, a metallic stomping echoes throughout the cavernous cave. Even the Pain stops, the buzzing of his hornets ceasing.

Lynch [Sighing]: Ah, yep, right on cue..

To the north-east of the cave, the stomping sound grows louder. A shield of hornets, buzzing in front of an entrance to prevent passage, are suddenly incinerated by a swift burst of white-hot flame which illuminates the entire cave. The Pain twists around.

The Pain: THE PAAAAIIIINNNNN!!!!

Lynch: Well, it IS Halloween.

Brick: DADGUM…IT’S…IT’S HIM!!!

The stomping silences as a hulking figure stands in the cave passageway. Clad in solid steel plates comprising a boxy armor, the body of the armor inexplicably painted yellow and the boxy helmet with a welding mask over it inexplicably painted a bright green, the Man In The Banana Suit returns once more. He reaches behind him, adjusting the valves on the bright green fuel tank while gripping the yellow nozzle.

Johnny [In disbelief]: WHO THE FUCK OR WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?!?!

Brick: THE MAN IN THE BANANA SUIT!!!!!!!! An immortal time traveller armed with nothing but a flamethrower and a deep hatred of the Union, as well as a love of potassium-rich fruits!!

Phil: So…he’s a Reb?

The Man In The Banana Suit: I DONE LIVE BY THE FLAMETHROWER!!!

Phil [Nodding]: Reb.

The Man In The Banana Suit [Pointing at the Pain]: YOU GON’ DIE, BUZZ MAN!!!

Lynch: Where? Where does he even come from? WHY is he even here? Who summons him?

Every head turns to Brick, who shrugs.

Brick: Dadgum, boys, I don’t got no clue where he comes from, he just kinda appears…

The Man In The Banana Suit stands in front of them, turning the valves on his fuel tank as the Pain shoots several bullet hornets towards him. The hornets ping audibly off of the steel armor as the Man In The Banana Suit, holding his flamethrower at his waist, takes a single step forward.

The Man In The Banana Suit: REMEMBER PICKETT’S CHARGE!!!

The Man In The Banana Suit lets out a bloodcurdling, howling, ululating rebel yell, firing the flamethrower at the Pain. A stream of white-hot fire rolls from the nozzle of the flamethrower and the Man In The Banana Suit sweeps it slightly, ensuring that the Pain and his hornets are bathed in the seering flames. The flames slowly die down, revealing the scorched body of the Pain, the hornet stings now accompanied by burned, blistering flesh.

The Pain [Wheezing]: The pain….THE PAIN!!!

The Man In The Banana Suit [Hollering]: Y’ALL FEEL IT LIKE GEORGIA FELT IT!!!

The Pain grips the joint of his right arm before slowly collapsing backwards.

And exploding.

A small explosion echoes throughout the cave, blowing smoke, flesh and hornets into the air. Where The Pain once stood, now stands nothing but a slow plume of smoke ascending into the sky above.

Frank: Well, that just happen--

A chunk of charred flesh hits Frank in the cheek. He blinks, wiping it away.

Frank: …Well, that just happened.

Snake: It certainly did.

Hornets slowly rain down from the sky, dropping into the water. From the cave hallway, the Man In The Banana Suit turns around.

Man In The Banana Suit [Screaming]: THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN!!!

The Man In The Banana Suit stomps through the cave, his booming footsteps slowly going silent as he disappears from sight and earshot.

Frank: Huh. I wonder who he is.

Brick: Death in metal…

Lynch: Well, men….that happened.

Phil: Indeed it did.

Vince [Surfacing]: Are the hornets dead?

Lynch: Jesus, Vince, how did you survive down there that long?

Vince: Well, Lynch, intense pain from hornet stings make you forget your fear of drowning.

Billy: It made yeh forget actually drowning?

Vince: ….Yes.

The mercenaries and Snake fall silent.

Mustafa: We’ve just fought a guy who was a literal hornets nest. I’ll believe it.

Bill: Yep, same here.

Lynch: ….Let’s just get moving.

Lynch dives into the water, swimming towards the cave tunnel the Man in the Banana Suit was standing in and climbing onto dry land, walking forward as the mercenaries and Snake follow suit…

***

The mercenaries, and Snake, have since exited the cave, following a snaking, craggy path through the caves and down, and into the blinding sunlight of Ponizovje South. Straight ahead of them, the watery orange light of the sunset peers through a row of trees, their canopies full and providing a natural archway across the shallow river through which they must now wade. Overcome with a sense of duty, and damp socks clinging to their feet inside soggy boots, the mercenaries and Snake march forward, with Lynch taking point.

Bill: Why are we doing this again?

Lynch [Tiredly]: To stop the world from going to shit.

Bill: Do we have to get our feet soggy though?

Lynch [Tiredly]: Yes.

Bill: My feet hurt!

Mustafa: Bill.

Bill: Don’t give me no ‘Bill’ shit! My feet hurt!

Billy: I’m about to shoot yeh, Bill.

Lynch: Searchlights.

Ivan and Jericho grab Snake’s shoulders, forcing him down below the water as they continue to march on. Though somewhat suspect of them, the searchlights of the UAV’s lingering on them, they don’t sound an alarm as Snake slowly swims alongside them. Passing the searchlight, he swiftly gets to his feet.

Snake: Why did you do that?!

Ivan: To stop you from being caught.

Steve: Last thing we need is an entire army fighting us.

Bill: I bet we could take ‘em.

Lynch [Chuckling]: That’s a lot of confidence, Bill. Or delusions.

Vince: Or both!

Bill: Shut up, Chewie.

Snake: We could have a chance. You’ve all done well so far.

Frank: Luck, mostly.

Phil: Ah, shut up: It’s skill. It’s skill from armed forces veterans who got dishonourably discharged, sure, but it’s still actual goddamn skill at the end of the day.

Lynch: Damn, Nolastname, that was almost inspiring.

The mercenaries follow a bend to the left, and emerge into a more open area with a large warehouse looming in front of them, almost embedded into the rock, with a set of two concrete docks extending outwards. Lynch, holds his left arm out, palm downwards, and slowly lowers his arm. The mercenaries and Snake slowly get to one knee as they all pull out their binoculars. On the left-side of the docks, a Russian soldier is jostling with Sokolov, grasping his arms and forcing him backwards.

Sokolov: Get your hands off me! I’m not going anywhere!

To his right, Volgin and the clearly-disguised EVA, now wearing glasses and what can best be described as a fetish-style army uniform with a khaki skirt that rises up to her upper thigh, black stockings and calf-high leather boots.

Volgin: Really now, how many times must I tell you?

Volgin places his hand on EVA’s right shoulder, sending a massive electric jolt through her. EVA screams, falling to the floor and rolling forward down concrete steps towards Sokolov.

Sokolov [Desperately]: Tanya!

The soldier forces Sokolov back as he jolts forward, and Volgin slowly walks down the concrete steps.

Volgin: Each time you resist, your lover will suffer the consequences. Is that clear?

Sokolov [Angrily]: Volgin..!!

Sokolov jolts forward, raising his left arm. The soldier, assault rifle held in front of him, pushes Sokolov back once more before pointing at him.

Upbeat, Half-English Accent, Half-American Accent Voice: I wouldn’t do that!

Lynch: That voice sounds familiar.

The familiar soldier aims his assault rifle at Sokolov, forcing him to raise his hands.

Sokolov [Bitterly]: Damn you!

With a smirk, Volgin walks forward and leans down, clasping a hand on the back of EVA’s neck and hoisting her effortlessly into the air. He places his hand over her left breast, appearing to grope it, before simply pushing his palm forward and sending another electric shock jolting through her body. The shock seemingly evaporates the sweat off of her body, causing steam to rise and her stockings to rip. Volgin drops her and she falls onto her hands and knees, gasping as her glasses fall to the floor. She quickly grasps them as the soldier shoves Sokolov towards the warehouse. A jingling of spurs suddenly echoes.

Ocelot: Hold it right there, traitor.

The soldier grasps the back of Sokolov’s leather coat, twisting him around and shoving him towards Ocelot who flips his revolver behind his back, catching it effortlessly and pointing it between Sokolov’s eyes. Sokolov edges to the left, followed by Ocelot’s revolver all the way, before Ocelot spins the revolver upwards, holding a bullet out in his right hand.

Ocelot: Let’s see how lucky you really are.

Ocelot slips the bullet into the revolver, spinning the chamber into position. He twirls his revolver a few more times before pulling out the revolver on his waist, then the revolver holstered on his back, now holding two in his right hand and one in his left.

Vince: Shit, he’s gonna shoot Sokolov three times!

Lynch [Sighing]: Nah, he’s just being a dramatic slut. Watch.

Ocelot: One of those three guns has a single bullet in it. I’m going to pull the trigger six times in a row. Are you ready?

Ocelot starts to juggle the guns. Intermittently, he pulls the trigger and continues juggling in impressive, fluid motions. With each pull of a trigger, Sokolov yelps, stumbling back. After five, Sokolov stumbles back, his hands shaking as he slides down a set of wooden boxes and onto the floor, urinating himself.

Ocelot: Looks like your luck hasn’t run out yet..

Sokolov hangs his head in embarrassment. Ocelot juggles one of the guns high into the air, but it’s caught by another figure, who turns and fires it into the water. That figure, of course, is the Boss, clad in her black poncho.

The Boss [Coldly, to Ocelot]: There’s no such thing as luck on the battlefield.

Volgin throws his head back and laughs before looking at the guard, nodding towards the warehouse. The guard drags Sokolov to his feet, who reluctantly drags his feet.

Familiar Soldier: Seriously, cut the shit!

The soldier pushes Sokolov towards the warehouse, aiming his AK-47 at him and forcing him to march into the warehouse.

The Boss [To Ocelot]: You’d better stay in line from now on. The Cobras will take care of him.

The Boss holds the revolver she caught in both hands, jolting slightly before shoving it back to Ocelot who takes it, revealing that she effortlessly separated the chamber and frame. Ocelot gasps angrily, narrowing his eyes and shaking his head before walking into the warehouse.

Volgin [Turning to the Boss]: Has the CIA dog been disposed of yet?

The Boss: …The Pain is dead.

Volgin [Angrily, through gritted teeth]: WHAT?!?!

Volgin slams the side of his fist into the wall before turning it, throwing his left fist forward with such force it cracks into the concrete before throwing a right punch so furious it embeds itself in the concrete up to his forearm. Vince whimpers.

Lynch: Shut up, Vince.

Volgin [Coldly]: He may be a child, but he’s definitely one of yours! [Pulling his fist from the wall, calmly]…I fear Khrushchev may have a hand in this. We have no time to lose. You must eliminate him before the final test.

The Boss: Don’t worry. They’ll be able to handle it.

Out of the warehouse, a wheelchair rolls forward…by itself. Sat in it is an old man, heavily liver-spotted and bald with a thick white beard, covered in a mossy ghillie suit without the hood.

Lynch: Who’s the old fuck in the wheelchair?

Snake: The End.

Lynch: Fuck, that’s ominous.

Vince: Yeah, is he like Thanos? One snap and half of us turn to dust. “I don’t feel good Mr Stark, it’s getting fucking dark!”?

Snake: What?

Jon: I mean, that IS ominous.

Steve: Look at him, though: Old. Decrepit. Maybe he’s called The End because he signifies the end. Of life. Or something. I don’t know, these people have weird symbolism attached to their monikers.

Billy: He’s a feckin’ old cunt. What is there more to say?

The Boss [Stepping in front of the wheelchair]: I’m leaving him to you….The Fear.

Behind the wheelchair, optic camouflage suddenly dissipates as The Fear, a thin and gangly middle-aged male with piercing red eyes, leaps inhumanly far into the air, running across the water and leaping to the left, darting across rocks.

Lynch: Jesus Christ, we’re facing the merry band of freaks..

Mustafa: Are you surprised?

Lynch: No…No. Just sickened.

Volgin stands in front of the End, who is snoring loudly.

Volgin: The old man is always sleeping. Is he alright?

The Boss: The End is saving what life he has left in him for battle. Normally, he’s dead..but he’ll wake up when the time’s right.

Vince: How does that even work?!

Phil: Dude, we just faced a guy who was a living hornets nest. I ain’t questioning shit right now.

A lightning bolt scars the sky ominously. Volgin looks at the sky, as does The Boss.

The Boss: …And when he does,…it will be the end for the boy.

Billy [Loudly]: LAAAAAAAAME.

Rain starts to pour down rapidly as Volgin approaches EVA/Tanya.

Volgin: Sokolov isn’t worth your love. You can entertain me until the rain stops.

Volgin walks into the warehouse, chanting Kuwabara, Kuwabara. EVA, clutching her chest, rises to her feet and follows reluctantly.

The Boss [Looking around, arms held out]: The Sorrow, is that you?

The Boss, nevertheless, turns around and walks into the warehouse, past two guards who walk out, one of whom grasps The End’s wheelchair and turns him around, wheeling him into the warehouse. Lynch gets to his feet, walking forward.

Snake: What are you doing?

Lynch [Pointing forward]: I know that guy.

Mustafa [Raising his machinegun]: Want me to blast him?

Lynch: No, Mustafa, it’s Sal. I’m certain.

Mustafa: ….The offer still stands, boss.

Billy [Raising his Dragunov]: Aye, I’ll do it.

Lynch: For the last time, the fucking court martials are tiring paperwork!

Lynch and the mercenaries wade forward into the water, swimming towards the docks and climbing up onto them. The sole remaining guard spins on his heels, facing them without raising his rifle. Lynch marches forward and the guard swiftly takes off his ski mask to reveal a shaved head and the light Polynesian skin of Sal Memeh-Porpington, the half Hawaiian, half British member of obscure nobility. Sal nods at them, slowly walking forward as they climb out of the water and onto the concrete dock.

Sal: Hey, it’s……Vince.

Vince: Sal.

Sal [Raising his AK-47]: Do I just shoot you now, bard boy?!

Johnny: Woah, calm down, Sal!

Sal [Angrily]: I WANTED TO BE THE BARD, YOU BEARDED PLEB FUCK!!!

Mustafa: Are we…seriously doing this right now?

Jericho [Climbing out of the water]: What’s going on? We fightin’?

Lynch: Sal, lower the gun.

Vince: I’m the best Bard!

Sal [Angrily, jamming his gun forward]: I’ll fucking kill you!!

Billy [Angrily]: SAL! WE HAVE A FECKIN’ MISSION TO COMPLETE, YA BAWBAG!!

Sal [Turning his gun to Billy]: I’M INSANE, I’LL KILL YOU ALL!!

Mustafa stomps forward, slapping Sal sharply across his right cheek. Sal recoils, lowering his rifle and nodding before breathing out and looking up at Mustafa.

Sal [Nodding thankfully]: Thanks, Mustafa..

Mustafa slaps Sal across his left cheek, causing him to reel back again.

Sal [Favouring his cheek]: Fucking OUCH!

Mustafa: I had to make sure.

Snake [Stepping forward]: Where’s Sokolov?

Sal [Laughing and shrugging]: Fucked if I know, they were taking him towards Graniny Gorki last I saw!

Lynch: When?

Sal: Literally thirty seconds ago. Were you paying attention?

Brick: You saw us?!

Sal: Brick, you pudgy motherfucker, I can barely miss you! Not you or that yeti!

Phil: Hey! Leave me out of this, I’m on your side!

Sal: I’M ON NOBOD--

Mustafa raises his eyebrows and his right hand, palm opened threateningly. Sal clears his throat, adopting a forced smile and looking at Lynch, then at Snake.

Sal: Just follow me, boss. I’ll show you the warehouse.

Lynch: Lead the way.

Sal leads the group into the warehouse..

***

Ponizovje Warehouse.

Sal leads the group through an L-shaped corridor, up a set of concrete steps and through a small red metal doorway into the warehouse itself. Lit a sickly shade of orange, the mercenaries march through the doorway. Sal leads Vince left, leading him down a set of concrete steps.

Lynch [Walking down the steps]: Anybody else here?

Sal: Just one.

At the bottom of the steps, a soldier stands beside them and takes off his ski mask, revealing a young, shaven-faced recruit with a mop of blonde hair.

Lynch: Ah, it’s Tim.

Tim [Snapping his heels together and saluting]: Lynch.

Lynch [Returning the salute]: At ease, Tim. Status report?

Snake: Sokolov?

Tim: Sokolov? No idea where they’re taking him. Last I saw they were taking him up towards Graniny Grad, which is a large laboratory to the North through the forest. It's where they're working on--

Snake: Then that’s where we’re heading.

Tim: But we need disguises!

Frank: Why?

Sal: Cause they ain’t just gonna let a bunch of soldiers roll up! Volgin’s really strict about that shit, and I ain’t pissin’ off a dude who can summon lightning!

Tim [Ignoring them]: Look, we need to disguise ourselves as scientists because it's a laboratory--

Phil: So, lemme get this straight…Volgin won’t allow mercenaries to roll up, but scientists are fair game?

Tim: Yes, he likes scientists. And, y'know, it IS a laboratory.

Steve: He…likes scientists?

Tim: The same way I like Johnny. Except in a less consensual manner.

Brick: .,….Well. Damn.

Phil: So, basically, avoid getting shot but the run the risk of some forcey fun-time?

Tim: …What the hell is that?

Phil: What?

Tim: Forcey fun-time?

Steve: When an incel wants a woman--

Johnny: Let’s…..Let’s not go there.

Tim: Look, just follow me you weirdos. There’s a stash of them in the food room on the second level.

Frank: Why?

Sal: Cause we stashed them there!

Frank [Cautiously]: …..Why?

Sal: …..Cause they came in on a truck and we ransacked it.

Bill: Yep, you can take the boy out of Beale Street..

Steve: It’s almost like you can see how we became mercenaries and why no armed force would have us.

Jericho: Yeah, cause we kick too much ass!

Tim [Walking across the floor, between boxes]: Whatever, just follow me.

Brick: Dadgum, nobody said anything ‘bout no stairs..

Vince: You could use it!

Brick: So could you!

Leading the mercenaries up to the second level of the warehouse via a set of concrete flat-turn stairs that extend high above them, Tim turns left and pushes open a metal door to a room stacked with a variety of crates and sacks of dried food. Most importantly, folded on the floor are several scientist uniforms.

Tim [Motioning to the mercenaries]: Grab your sizes!

Mustafa: Do they even have a Four-X?

Tim: Maybe. But more of an “I eat pocky and don’t move” Four-X, not a “I once benchpressed the Large Hadron Collider” Four-X.

Mustafa [Reaching down and grabbing a labcoat that is almost as large as a tarp]: …I’ll take it.

Brick: No shirts?

Tim: Just put the labcoats on, fasten them and it’ll at least get us through the front doors of the laboratory. After that, there will undoubtedly swift and blinding violence.

Lynch: Graniny Grad’s guarded?

Tim: Attack dogs, searchlights, armed guards…and I don’t think many of our lot are there.

Johnny: Why?

Tim: Because it's a laboratory. With scientists. Y'know, smart people.

Johnny: Ah, touche!

Lynch: Sounds fun.

Sal: It’s fucking dangerous!

Lynch [Pulling on his labcoat]: Look, we get in there with these coats, go in, punch some fuckers out, grab Sokolov and head home. Simple, right?

Snake [Taking his labcoat]: I doubt it.

Sal: Nobody asked you, killjoy.

Phil [Pulling on his labcoat]: I feel like a fuckin’ dork.

Jon: Well, that’s apt, cause--

Phil [Tiredly]: Jon, just be fucking nice for once, you bitter little troll.

Vince: Seriously, don’t you EVER get tired of being a hate-filled bitter little man?

Jon [Taken aback]: Excuse me, I fucking enjoy every second of it, you shits!

Steve [Pulling on his labcoat]: You’re the only one.

Jon: Do I look like someone who cares?!

Johnny: Yeah, I can see why you’ve had so many wives now.

Jon [Pointing at Johnny]: You’re on thin ice, mister.

Lynch [Walking out of the room, aside to Tim]: So, this base is a short walk North, right?

Tim [Pointing up]: Yep. Up on the third floor, left at the stairs, turn right and head out of the metal doors, and you’re into Graniny Gorki Laboratory. It’s a five, maybe ten minute walk, but it’s easy to get lost.

Lynch: Huh, really?

Sal [Walking out]: Yeah, I got lost in it.

Lynch: Then lead the way, Tim!

Tim nods, walking up the stairs and leading Lynch up as Sal stands there.

Sal [Taken aback]: HEY! THAT WAS AN INSULT, WASN’T IT?!

***

Graniny Gorki South. The mercenaries trudge through the dark forest, leaf matter and twigs crunching beneath their feet. Their destination: A dull glow slightly over high, craggy rocks to the North, a sign of the Graniny Gorki Laboratory. If Sokolov was taken anywhere, it would likely be at there. Lynch has taken point, followed by his loyal company of mercenaries. The only point of light, aside from the dull glow, is the watery moonlight shining down and dotting through the canopy of leaves above them.

Vince [Looking around]: Spoopy.

Lynch: Eyes open, men.

Sal: Well, we wouldn’t walk around with them closed.

Frank: ….Okay, let’s face it, some of us would.

Bill: Some of us already do.

Lynch: ..Was that a joke, or was that you trying to be deep?

Bill: A little bit from column A, a little bit from column B.

Sal: Bill, don’t try being deep. Just…stick to guns.

Bill: Now that’s what I like to hear!....Fuck it’s dark.

Snake: Graniny Grad should be up ahead, right?

Tim: Yep, just up this little step here and we’re done.

Lynch stops in front of a rocky outcropping, grasping it with his left hand to stabilise himself as he steps up.

Lynch [Climbing up]: Hup-we-go! Come on, men! Who wants to live forever!

Phil: Not me, it’d be fucking boring.

Jericho: Like Courtney?

Phil: Fuck me, that’s a name I ain’t heard in a while. Nah, like Emilie.

Jericho: …It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

Lynch: Stop chattering and get your asses up here!

Tim climbs up, followed by Johnny as the mercenaries gather around it, pulling themselves up.

Ivan: Vell, I vonder vat avaits us here..

Steve [Looking ahead]: Whatever it is, it’s probably not a good thing.

Frank: Y’know, I sense another dark, forbidding presence.

Vince: Look, I don’t appreciate being made fun of—

Frank: Not you! Something else..

Tim: Well, I guess we’ll see, huh?

Once Snake and the mercenaries have climbed up, Lynch takes point, leading the group through a short pass and out into an open area: The Laboratory base unfolds in front of them. From left to right, a tall barbed-wire fence impedes all access to the concrete behemoth, with the exception of a set of four large steel gates, in two pairs, slightly to their left. Two spotlights from the roof of the base shine down on this access point, and a Doberman Pinscher warily wanders to the left, following a patrolling guard around a corner.

Snake: What now?

Tim: These disguises are foolproof! We just go in and ask to see Sokolov!

Frank: That’s not foolproof..

Sal: And nobody’s gonna believe Mustafa’s a scientist. Dude looks like he benchpresses dark matter.

Mustafa: Hey, scientists can be of any size, any race, any gender and any sexuality. Now shut up or I’ll give you a PhD.

Sal: Pound Head Down?

Mustafa: You’re damn right.

Lynch: Look, just follow my lead.

Lynch leads Snake and the mercenaries up the gate…..and Lynch bangs on the right-hand gate with a balled fist, causing it to shake noisily.

Snake: What are you doing?

Jericho: He’s knocking.

Snake: Isn’t that suspicious?

Jericho [Scoffing]: Please, what else are we gonna do? Army crawl under the barbed wire and sneak in?

Snake: Well….yeah.

Bill: pfft, fuck that!

Lynch: Yo, let us in! We’re science guys!

Tim [Aside]: Science guys? Really?! They’re gonna see through these disguises!!—BRICK!!

Brick: What?

Tim: Did you tear off your fucking labcoat sleeves?!

Brick stands there, looking down at his arms to reveal that he did, in fact, remove the sleeves from his labcoat and workshirt, leaving nothing but his pale, flabby arms.

Brick: I need my body to breathe!

Billy: Your body’s fucking hyperventilating…

Brick: What’d you say?!

A guard slowly walks over to their right. Heavily muscular and tall, the guard cuts an imposing figure as he turns left, standing in front of the gate. Cold blue eyes gaze at Lynch, but soften when they see him.

Lynch: Yo, buddy, we’re doing science shit. Let us in.

Guard [With a familiar, French-lilted voice]: Ah, but you are not..

Sal: We are! We have coats and everything!

Tim: Yeah! Honest!

Guard: You stole zem..

Frank: Excuse me, but we plead the Fifth!

Guard: Zis is Russia…

Phil: ….We plead the Fifth!

Mustafa: Just let us in.

Guard [Sighing]: Okay, let me just get this..

The figure grasps their ski mask, whipping it off to reveal a shaven head and rugged face with sharp cheekbones and stubble. The familiar face grins at them.

Fabien [Ecstatically]: BONJOUR!!! WELCOME TO ZE BASE, MOI LEGION!!!!

Lynch [Tiredly]: Hello, Fabien..

NEXT TIME

It’s time for stealth! Or some approximation of it. The mercenaries infiltrate Graniny Grad, pool their resources and try to rescue Sokolov from wherever the fuck he is! There’s a Metal Gear in here somewhere too! And stuff!

Tune in next time to see The Fear, The End and the end of the Fear! And the end of the End! Or is that too much in terms of spoilers?...

Metal Gear Mercenaries : The Blast In The Past - Chapter II - The Traitors with the Brains of Potatoes

The scene opens up where we left off: With Ocelot and his GRU Operative surrounding Snake, Sokolov and the mercenaries. Snake warily eyes the GRU operatives, whilst Vince eyes Ocelot suspiciously.

Vince [coldly]: Furries…

Will: I mean, coming from an Otaku, I find your rage at another subculture hilarious, especially considering you own a pleasure-bot.

Vince [Coldly]: Don’t talk shit about Washu-bot.

Will: And that robot probably cost you far more money than a fursuit--

Vince [Angrily]: STOP DEFENDING FURRIES!!

Billy: I cannae believe yeh having this conversation right fucking now, while we’re surrounded.

Ocelot [Circling Snake]: What is that stance?!...That gun?

Ocelot starts laughing, which causes the other GRU operatives to laugh as well.

Ocelot: …If you’re not the Boss…then DIE.

Ocelot spins his gun with a flourish, pulling back the slide. A bullet swiftly jams in the receiver.

Ocelot: Oh.

Ocelot looks down at his gun. Snake grins brightly, lunging forward and grasping Ocelot’s right arm, extending it and moving behind him, holding his left arm which clutches his knife across Ocelot’s neck, holding the knife to Ocelot’s throat before slamming him backwards onto the ground. Snake stands over Ocelot, his right arm between Snake’s legs, and grasps the Makarov, wrenching it from Ocelot’s grasp. Sokolov yelps wildly, screaming and running off into the distance. A GRU Operative turns his head, watching.

GRU Operative: Major!

Johnny [Angrily]: FOR FUCKS SAKE, HE’S SPRY!

Lynch [Angrily]: WELL FUCKING CHASE HIM, THEN!!!

Jon [Angrily]: I WILL FUCKING SHOOT YOU IF YOU FUCKING KEEP RUNNING YOU FUCKING PINKO MOTHERFUCKING NERD MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF MOTHERFUCKING SHIT!!!! I WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP IF YOU TAKE ANOTHER FUCKING STEP YOU ABSOLUTE CUNT OF ALL CUNTS!!!

Jon hurtles after Sokolov.

Major Ocelot: Leave him! Shoot the other one!

The GRU Operative lunges forward, but Snake twists, grasping the back of the operative’s head and gripping him tightly, moving him aside and firing a tranquilizer dart at a second GRU Operative, hitting him in the arm. Snake shoves the human shield into a third GRU Operative, knocking them both down, before turning to the fourth. Before he can do anything

A fifth rushes forward, which Bobby swiftly clotheslines to the floor. A sixth moves forward as well, aiming down his rifle, but he backs into a stack of two metal boxes, atop which is Billy.

Billy [Bellowing]: WHO REMEMBERS AOKIGAHARA?!?!

Lynch: Oh please no.

”Natural Born Killaz” by  Dr. Dre and Ice Cube starts playing as Sal, Bob and Brick stand beside Billy. All four men leap off the top of the box, flattening the GRU Soldier and a second who rose to his feet behind him.

Eligio: Well, it gets results.

Lynch: I swear to fucking God if they start to New Jack every goddamn time there’s an enemy below a tall spot…

Sal [Getting to his feet and dusting himself off]: No promises..

Phil: And technically, the correct term is “Gangsta Splash”—

Lynch [Bluntly]: Shut the fuck up.

Phil: Okay.

Snake turns to the GRU Operative he shot earlier. The Operative stumbles around before collapsing forward. Ocelot gets to his feet, lunging at Snake who grasps his right arm and spins him, locking his arm to his side before slamming the butt of his pistol into Ocelot’s jaw and slamming him down into the dirt with a deafening crash. The gun flies out of Ocelot’s grasp, the bullet finally ejecting across the floor.

Ocelot [Groaning]: Impossible!

Snake: You ejected the first bullet by hand, didn’t you? I see what you were trying to do. But..testing a technique you’ve only heard about, in the middle of a battle? Not very smart. You were asking to have your gun jam on you. I don’t think your cut out for an automatic in the first place: You twist your elbow to absorb the recoil. That’s more of a revolver technique.

Ocelot’s eyes slowly open, glaring at Naked Snake.

Vince: Aw shit, he woke.

Ocelot [Angrily]: YOU FILTHY AMERICAN DOG!

Ocelot swiftly unsheathes a knife from the rear of his belt.

Bill: LOOK OUT, SNAKE, HE’S GOT A STICKIN’ KNIFE!

Ocelot swiftly sits up and lunges for Snake with his right hand. Snake grasps it and twists it under him, pushing the knife aside and punching him in the left kidney. Snake stands up straight and, smirking, hits the back of Ocelot’s head with the butt of his tranquilizer pistol. He locks his arm around Ocelot’s neck before twisting and throwing him straight to the ground, aiming his pistol down at him. Ocelot grunts in pained anger.

Snake [Lunging downwards and holding the knife over Ocelot’s throat]: But that WAS some fancy shooting. You’re pretty good.

Ocelot [Angrily grasping Snake’s forearm]: Pretty…good…

Ocelot flicks out two fingers on his right hand in the shape of a pistol, his thumb extended into the air, before he slumps backwards to the floor, unconscious, his arms splaying out. Snake holsters his knife and pistol, getting on one knee to communicate with Zero.

Will: Big Boss got some moves.

Lynch: Wish I could knock people out that fancy.

Bill: Eh, fists work just as good.

Sal: So, there’s an internal Soviet power struggle going on?

Fabien: Ve could play zis to our advantage, non? Play one side against the other.

Lynch: We’re only here for this mission. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.

Snake slowly rises to his feet, turning to the mercenaries.

Snake: Well?

Lynch: Come on. Let’s head back to Dolinovodno and hope Jon and the others have caught Sokolov.

Lynch leads the mercenaries and Snake forward.

Sal: Well, hopefully this’ll be a quick mission.

Lynch: Homesick already?

Sal: Well, yeah, aren’t you?

Lynch: Well….

**BEALE STREET – LAMB AND FLAG - PRESENT DAY**

In the Lamb and Flag, everything is kitted out for New Year’s celebrations. Given the Lamb and Flag, however, this simply means a few pennants hanging from the dusty wooden timbers in the ceiling and a line of tinsel nailed across the bar, with a few party poppers strewn across tables. The fathers of the mercenaries, called in to protect the streets from intermittent PMC attacks, are all firmly lodged within the small confines of the pubs, and the round wooden tables are now littered with a variety of empty drink bottles and cans. Emilie herself is sat in the back right corner, closest to the toilets, with her arms folded and sulking foully with a party hat perched on her head, and with Crumpet, her pet rat, laying on her right shoulder.. Michael Kingston climbs onto the bar, raising his wine glass.

Michael Kingston: ALRIGHT, CUNTS, LET’S HAVE A CHEER!!!

The entire bar roars out a bellowing cheer, raising their glasses in unison.

Rick Sykes: GIVE ME A MOTHERFUCKING HELL YEAH!!!

A huge, unified “Hell Yeah!” goes up from the bar.

Maurice [Watching from the kitchen]: I ain’t cleaning this puke up.

Moe [Watching from the kitchen]: Should we go see Mother?

Maurice: About what?

Moe: Getting the fuck out of here and onto the mission.

Maurice: We have specific orders for being here, mate.

Moe: Which are?

Maurice: To protect these assholes.

Moe: From what?

Maurice: Themselves.

Moe [Sighing]: Ah.

Dick: Well guys, I’m glad you’re all happy but—

Boris Hellgenstrand [Jovially]: MORE DRINKS!!

Dick: Guys, we--

Rick Sykes: MORE DRINKS!!

Dick: Will you jus—

Stephen LaMarr: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!!!!!

Michael Kingston: Shit, this is the life! Getting paid to sit around and drink beer!

Dick [Angrily]: You’re supposed to be protecting this place!

Joey Studlin: Hey, we sent out Truly Terrifying Tommy on patrol! That’s all we need!

Dick [Angrily]: HE’S NOT ON PATROL! HE’S STANDING OUTSIDE DRINKING!

Truly Terrifying Tommy [Peering through a crack in the door and waving an empty bottle]: Guys, empty out here.

John Chevrolet [Getting out of his chair]: Alright Tommy, I’m coming.

Joey Studlin: See? John’s his wingman.

Dick [Turning to Maurice and Moe]: I don’t even know what to do.

Maurice: Don’t look at us, mate, we don’t got a clue either!

Moe: Maybe we can ask Jericho’s lass.

Moe, Maurice and Dick look over towards Emilie who hasn’t moved an inch, still sulking foully.

Moe: Where did he find her anyway? Wearing that corset and with her ringlets and shit. She looks like she came from the Victorian era.

Maurice: Nah, it must be a new fashion or some shit.

Moe: That lace skirt, though?

Maurice: Never proclaimed myself to be an expert on current fashion mate.

Ian Stone [Squeezing past the bar]: I GOTTA TAKE A PISS!!

Dick [Angrily]: NOT ON THE BAR! JUST TAKE IT OUTSIDE!

Moe: Where did they find these guys?

Dick: I’m sure a few came from homeless shelters, knowing what veterans are like.

Dalip Tevany-Singh [Angrily, pointing at the kitchen]: DICK! YOU BETTER BE MAKING ME MY GODDAMN MANGO LASSI!! I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR FIVE MINUTES!!

Dick: I guess we’re not going home anytime soon.

Maurice: Don’t kid yourself, Dick, this is our home.

Dick: I meant London.

Maurice: ….Don’t kid yourself, Dick, this is our home.

**RASSVET – 1964**

Lynch: Absolutely fucking not.

Sal: Yeah, I can’t blame you.

The group emerge in Dolinovodno, making their way back to the area where the rickety rope bridge crossed over the yawning chasm that held a rushing river. Standing behind a tree, close to the bridge, is Sokolov with his nose pressed against the trunk. Jon stands behind him, aiming down the sights of his M16.

Lynch: At ease, Jon.

Jon slowly lowers his rifle. Sokolov turns around and Snake approaches him.

Snake: You okay?

Sokolov: Those men were from the Ocelot Unit.

Snake: Spetsnaz?

Sokolov: Yes. The best GRU has to offer…they’re coming for me. …I’m finish--

Snake [Sighing]: Calm down. I’ll get you out of here, I promise, and we’ve got some of the best damn backup we could ask for.

Lynch: Well--

Snake: Not you.

Sal: Bitch!

The sound of a huge explosion scars the air. The mercenaries, Snake and Sokolov turn around, looking for the source of the sound. Sokolov points upwards: In the distance, on the edge of one of the mountainous sides of the chasm, is the barely visible form of what is essentially a gigantic tank. The turret, smoking from firing a shot, stands on top of a hulking chassis, whilst two ‘treads’ peering from the front of the body actually appear to be ground drills, tucked into the treads to give the appearance of two stubby legs. Snake looks through his binoculars at the monstrosity.

Snake: That’s what they were making you build?

Brick [Squinting]: Looks like a pony.

Jon: What kind of fucking ponies have you been riding?

Sokolov: Shagohod. “The Treading Behemoth”. A tank capable of launching nuclear IRBM’s.

Snake: It can launch nukes from THAT terrain?

Sokolov: Oh yes, and without support from friendly units.

Snake: A nuclear-equipped tank capable of operating solo. Well, that just about ruins my day.

Lynch: Ruins anybody’s day, really.

Snake: Is it finished?

Sokolov: No, this is only the end of phase one. It won’t truly be finished until we complete phase two.

Snake: And that is?

Sokolov: The weapon’s true form. If it is completed and the Colonel gets his hands on it, it will mean the end of the Cold War.

Will: Wait, true form? You mean that launching nukes ain’t enough?

Snake: The end of the Cold War, huh?

Sokolov: Yes, and then the age of fear will truly begin.

Snake: So, a world war.

Sokolov [Sighing, pacing around]: I had no choice but to co-operate. I didn’t want to die! I wanted to see my wife and child again in America! Please, take me to America! Quickly! They cannot complete it without my help!

Snake: Well, let’s go. All of you: Behind me.

Snake readies his knife and pistol, taking point and moving across the bridge with Sokolov behind. Jon moves directly behind Sokolov, with the other mercenaries choosing to stay on solid land. Sokolov peers over the bridge, whimpering before uneasily moving ahead. As they get past the midway point, Lynch walks onto the bridge, staying behind Jon, with Frank also moving forward. A wispy fog slowly starts to descend.

Jericho [Looking around]: Well that’s coming from nowhere.

Bob: Bad signs ahead.

Footsteps slowly echo across the bridge. Snake stops, aiming down the iron sights of his pistol: Through the fog emerges a female figure, wearing khaki fatigues and carrying two metal gun cases in each of her hands, her blonde hair tyed back behind her head with a blue bandana.

The Boss.

Jon: Hey, you’re--

Female [Looking past Snake and at the mercenaries, confused]: Who are you?

Jon [Pointing at Sokolov]: Jon Manguel. I’m here to kick ass and remove this son of a bitch, and I’m all outta ass. Although honey, I got to say--

Frank [In disbelief]: HOLY FUCK JON, DON’T FLIRT WITH HER!!

Female: Do you know who I am?

Jon: Somebody important.

Female: The Boss.

Jon: …..Bruce Springsteen?

The Boss falls silent.

Tim: He’s gonna die, isn’t he?

Bill: Wouldn’t surprise me.

Snake: Boss?

Lynch: Well. This is something.

The fog slowly dissipates. The Boss drops the crate in her right hand, causing the bridge to shake violently. She drops the crate in her left hand, the force of the bridge shaking causing Sokolov to fall onto his rear and causing Lynch, Jon and Frank to grip the sides of the bridge to keep their own footing.

Jon [Angrily]: DAMMIT WOMAN! STOP DOING THAT!

The Boss: Good work, Jack.

Snake: What the hell are you doing here?!

The Boss: Sokolov…comes with me.

A dark cloud suddenly appears, sweeping through the air and blotting out the sun slightly. However, as the cloud descends, it reveals that it is actually made up of thousands upon thousands of swarming…

Frank: Hornets.

Jon stops, looking around. His eyes widen slightly as a swarm of hornets swiftly descend from the sky, stopping between him and Sokolov, whilst also swarming Snake. He stops, his brow furrowing angrily.

Jon [Angrily]: I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT NO GODDAMN STINGING BEANS!! OUT OF MY WAY, TINY CUNTS!!!

Jon stomps forward and into the swarm of hornets. As he does, a Russian Hind flies over them, hovering over the bridge.

Tim: JON!

Jon [Wincing]: DAMN HORNETS, THEIR STINGING IS HURTING ME!!!

Lynch: JON, RETREAT!

Jon [Wincing]: I’M FINE! NANOMACHINES, SON—ACTUALLY, THIS IS VERY PAINFUL!

Jon spins around on his heels, jogging out of the cloud of hornets and barging into Lynch, sending both men down. Snake looks over his shoulder at Sokolov, and at the mercenaries. A figure descends through the hornets, grasping Sokolov by the back of his jacket and pulling him into the air, towards the Hind. Both of them are obscured by the swarm of hornets as they ascend. The hornets disappear, revealing a heavily-scarred man wearing a ski mask and black-and-yellow tiger stripe camouflage vest over black fatigues leaning out of the side of the Hind. Snake looks up, as does The Boss.

The Boss: My friends. Let us fight together again!

First Figure: I have waited long for this day!

second, Scarred Figure: We will fight with you once more!

The Boss: Now that all five of us are together, it’s time we go to the depths of hell itself.

Snake: Can we stop the exposition and cut to you telling me what the hell was going on?

Lynch [Calling over]: I AGREE!

The sky darkens suddenly, and rain begins to pour over them.

Bill: And just what the fuck is this?

Vince: Some real bad juju.

Jericho: I’ll tell you what it is: Bollocks. Stupid bollocks.

The Boss [Holding out her arms]: It’s raining blood..

Vince holds out his tongue.

Vince: Tastes normal to me.

The Boss: Is he crying?

The Boss looks around the bridge, as if she hears a presence nearby.

Sal: Well, she’s nuts.

Bob: Of course she is. We’re all mad here.

From behind her, through the rain, emerges a gigantic figure, tall and imposing. Clad in a khaki greatcoat, with gold buttons, red shoulderpads and a black holster belt crossing across the chest, the figure strolls onto the bridge, red leather boots echoing off of the wood.

Figure: Kuwabara, kuwabara…

Jon: And just what the fuck is this?

The figure continues walking forward, revealing a heavily scarred face, almost as if the flesh had been stripped away in certain places, and cold grey eyes. Perhaps the most striking feature of this figure, however, were the arcs of electricity dancing off of his body.

Lynch: Well, this is new.

The rain stops.

Commander: Ah, what a joyful scene.

The Boss: Colonel Volgin..

Lynch: What the FUCK?

Volgin’s head snaps up, looking at the mercenaries who instinctively flinch.

Frank: Oh crap. Lynch! Don’t mess with the lightning man!

Volgin: Who are these?

The Boss: I have no idea.

Lynch: We’re…friendlies!

Volgin: I don’t recognise any of you.

Lynch: I’m Lynch…ski--

Frank: He’s our Commander. We’re here under orders of Kosygin.

Volgin: You. Under Kosygin’s orders.

Frank: We’re double-agents.

Volgin: Explain.

Frank falls silent.

Jon [Calmly]: Our unit is a black ops unit under the CIA, known as BAU or the Bad Ass Unit within the ranks. During the Cuban Missile Crisis we were approached by spies within the CIA’s ranks who offered us a lot more money to ally with them with a view of eventually travelling to Russia to train with and alongside GRU. We managed to make our way here and the first mission to prove our loyalty was to hunt down Snake and Sokolov.

Volgin: I was never informed of this.

Jon: We ARE a Black Ops unit. If the CIA discovered this, they’d put a burn notice on us and have us all hunted down to the ends of the Earth. And if they discovered we’d allied with the Russians, of all people?

Volgin: I see. Secrecy is of the utmost importance. So what is the CIA’s official reason for being here?

Jon: To take Sokolov back to the West.

Volgin [Smirking]: But the odds were always in my favour. Excellent. Very well then, comrades. I take it that’s why those four were chasing Sokolov?

Lynch: He’s sadly spry and our orders aren’t to kill him. I ordered them to chase him out of Rassvet towards the ravine where he’d be apprehended.

Volgin: Very well done. I’ll take it from here, comrades.

Volgin turns around.

Lynch [Quietly]: Well done, Jon.

Jon: Hey, I’m smart, what can I say? That and Frank was close to pissing himself.

Frank: He’s fucking terrifying!!!

Sal: Bad Ass Unit? Really?

Jon: He believed it! And plus now we order people to call us bad asses because we’re at the same rank as the GRU!

Bob: How did we even talk ourselves into this?!

Phil: Jon. That’s how. And I like it.

Volgin: Welcome to my country. And to my unit!

Snake: Boss? What is this? And you lot?!

Snake looks over his shoulder. Lynch, Jon and Frank shrug.

Phil: The rules have changed!

Snake [Angrily]: What rules?!

Will: Our personal rules. The one’s where we stay alive.

The Boss: Also, I’m defecting to the Soviet Union.

Bob: See? We’re all staying alive here!

The Boss: Sokolov is a gift for my new hosts.

Lynch: We don’t have gifts. Dean makes a mean steak, though.

Dean waves from the huddle of mercenaries until Samuel slaps his hand down, shaking his head.

Volgin [Leaning down and picking up the gun crates]: And recoilless nuclear warheads! These will make a fine gift for me!

Snake [In disbelief]: This CAN’T be happening!

Volgin: Who is he? Another one of your disciples? Are we taking him with us?

The Boss [Turning to Volgin]: No, this one is still just a child. Too pure for us Cobras. He has not yet found an emotion to carry into battle.

Snake: What are you talking about?

Volgin turns around. Snake swiftly readies his pistol and The Boss moves forward.

The Boss: Think you can pull the trigger?

Lynch: Snake, just let it go.

The Boss jolts forward, pulling back the slide of the gun and managing to remove it from the body of the gun in one deft movement, pushing Snake down onto his rear. Snake aims down his pistol, only to notice its missing, before The Boss throws it at him. He quickly gets up, aiming a left-handed strike at Boss who catches the arm, jolting it downwards and swiftly punching him in the face, twisting his arm around and taut to the side. The Boss swiftly slams her forearm down into the elbow, dislocating Snake’s arm and causing him to scream in pain.

Lynch [Wincing]: Jesus.

Dean: And this is why we defected.

Samuel: To avoid broken arms?

Karab: And death.

Snake falls onto all fours. Volgin sets down the crates gently and turns around.

Volgin: He’s seen my face. We can’t let him live.

Volgin flicks out his arms as The Boss moves behind Snake, marching towards Snake.

Volgin: If Khrushchev finds out about this, we’re finished.

Volgin reaches into his pockets before pulling out bullets held between each of his fingers, crossing his arms over his chest as his arms crackle with electricity.

Samuel: I mean, what even is going on at this point.

Eligio: Something interesting.

Samuel: Interest--

Eligio: Yes. Interesting. Which is the story I’m keeping because I don’t plan on getting on the bad side of a guy who can manipulate lightning.

Volgin: He must die.

The Boss: Wait. He’s my apprentice. I’ll take care of him.

Volgin lets his arms hang by his side as The Boss turns to Snake.

The Boss: Jack, you can’t come with us.

The Boss holds out her hand. Snake hangs his head but takes her hand anyway: She grips his hand, pulling him towards her and elbowing him roughly in the abdomen. Snake hunches over her arm, but grasps the back of her head with his right hand, glaring at her. The Boss grasps the collar of Snake and throws him ruthlessly over the rope and towards the ravine below. Her bandana is torn off by Snake, who lets out an angry bellow, which quietens as he heads to the bottom of the ravine.

Brick: Aw. Fuck.

Steve [Aside, to Lynch]: I thought you said that, as long as you were here, nobody would be getting thrown off of the bridge.

Lynch: I meant our guys.

Steve: Did you?

Lynch [Calmly]: Steve, I lie. Is that so hard to believe?

Snake crashes into the water with a huge splash.

Joseph: Really hope he can swim.

Vince: That looks like it hurt quite badly.

Sal: Thanks, Sherlock. Any other nuggets of wisdom you wish to share?

Vince: That was a very high drop he just suffered.

Billy: Well, yeh did ask..

The Boss walks over to the side of the bridge, watching the rushing water below.

Volgin [Standing beside her]: Are we done here?

The Boss: Now, on to Sokolov’s research facility.

Volgin: Shagohod is ours!

Volgin walks away. The Boss grips the rope on the side of the bridge.

The Boss: Drift away…My place is with them now.

The Hind slowly lowers towards the bridge.

Lynch: So, what do we do now?

Volgin: Come with me.

Lynch: Well, lead the way.

Lynch leads the mercenaries across the bridge, following Volgin and moving past The Boss..

**BEALE STREET – PRESENT DAY**

Back in Beale Street, Emilie is stood outside the Lamb and Flag, eyes shut as she sighs loudly, listening to the sounds of breaking glass, whooping and party poppers in the building behind her. She slowly opens her eyes, turning her head to the left and watching as Tavi slowly walks over to her, hands tucked in the pocket of her jeans beneath a thick, quilted black parka. She lets out a visible breath, chuckling as she stands near Emilie.

Tavi: Cold desert night, huh?

Emilie: Yes..

Tavi: You alright? Sitting here in the cold with nothing but laces and petticoats?

Emilie: Yes…

Tavi: The drunken assholes getting to you, huh?

Emilie [Quietly]: I hate this. I want to be out there with my love, killing his enemies.

Tavi [Chuckling]: That’s cute, hon, but you really don’t want to be out there.

Emilie: Why?

Tavi: They have a very unique habit of messing things up horribly.

Emilie [Frowning]: You speak ill of your allies?

Tavi [Chuckling]: Of course I do. Have you seen them? They’re hardly useful.

Emilie: What do you mean?

Tavi: Look at them! They’re hardly house-trained, they’ve been discharged from their militaries and they’re given the most unimportant location in the entire Academy area!

Emilie: Last I checked, this is one of the closest locations to the Suez Canal.

Tavi falls silent.

Tavi [In disbelief]: Are you telling me they’re stupid on purpose? Like, as a ruse?

Emilie: Have you not thought that they like to have mindless fun? Much like children, they have simple, one-dimensional tastes and pleasures. That does not make them stupid. Childish? Of course. Stupid? No.

Tavi: Hm. Guess I’ve never thought about it that way.

Emilie: You’ve lived amongst them and haven’t thought about it?

Tavi: No. It’s like when you hear a pneumatic drill: You don’t think about it, it just fucking annoys you.

Emilie: You underestimate them.

Tavi: I do?

Emilie: You mock them, but they have protected these arid lands for many years. You dislike them, but they keep you amongst them without penalty. You laugh at them, but they are trusted enough to be committed to a top secret mission with grave implications.

Tavi [Taken aback]: …Huh. I guess when you put it that way..

Emilie: You may speak ill of them, but they are highly trained men of worth. After all, do you think they would fail this mission? Let those who they were sworn to protect die? Ally themselves with a great evil? Of course they would not do that. They are heroes, regardless of your mockery.

***

The fleet of transport helicopters are beginning their flight away from the jungle, carrying the now-Volgin aligned group of mercenaries and transporting the Shagohod to its new location.

On Volgin’s helicopter are Ocelot, a member of the Ocelot Unit and an unidentified blonde female wearing glasses and a khaki uniform, complete with a short skirt, pale brown stockings and, oddly enough, black leather boots. Accompanying them are Lynch, Phil, Frank, Bob and Steve. Lynch is stood to the left of the helicopter, opposite from Volgin, gripping the side of the open door as he watches the landscape roll past under him.

Lynch: We let Big Boss die.

Steve: Yep.

Lynch [Bluntly]: …….Well, guess we better write that in our report.

Phil: “Failed mission by killing the asset we were supposed to protect”--

Lynch: We didn’t kill him!.....We just stood idly by, is all.

Phil: “Failed mission by failing to protect the asset”--

Lynch: Shut up!

Phil: Mother’s gonna have our nuts in a sling for this one.

Lynch: Not if we don’t return.

Phil: Wait, what?

Lynch: What if we don’t go back to our timeline? Let’s just…ride this one out.

Steve: You cannot be serious.

Lynch: I like my balls intact, thank you very much.

Lynch sighs, raising his head. Across from their Hind is a second Hind, the side doors open just like theirs. Standing in the open doorway is Brick, head leant out as he looks down, whooping loudly with his fishing hat in his hand.

Lynch [Angrily]: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, REDNECK!!!

Brick [Cupping his hands over his mouth]: HEY, BOSS, THIS IS SOME OLD SHIT RIGHT HERE I TELL YA!!! HIND’S AND SHIT?!?!?

Lynch [Cupping his hands over his mouth, angrily]: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Brick [Cupping his hands over his mouth]: I CAN’T HEAR YOU, THESE THINGS ARE TOO LOUD!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE WE’RE TRANSPORTING A BIG TANK THING?!?!?!

Lynch slides the door shut with a resounding slam.

Lynch [Turning around]: I shall murder him.

Steve: Well, wait til we get back. We have a mission to complete.

Lynch: I’m mighty impatient, Steve.

Steve: Anyway, there’s probably a lot of murdering going on there anyway.

Lynch: I doubt that. We don’t murder, we get even in other ways. Sneaky, underhanded, vicious ways.

**BEALE STREET – MODERN DAY**

Back in Beale Street, Emilie gets to her feet, dusting off of her skirt.

Tavi: You alright?

Emilie: I’m going to head home. Maybe I’ll go and see Mother later.

Tavi: Are you sure about that? She’s very strict about her missions and you…Well, honey, you ain’t even trained.

Emilie: I have skills.

Tavi [Shrugging]: Either way, hon, she ain’t gonna like it.

Emilie [Smirking]: All I need is a sign and I’ll go to her.

As if at will, a few flakes of snow slowly drift from the sky, dropping on top of Emilie’s head. She looks up, watching as a small flurry of snow slowly begins to fall from the sky.

Emilie: ..Snow….

Tavi [Looking to the sky]: Snow. Never seen it before?

Emilie [Quietly]: I never knew it could fall here…

Tavi holds out her arms, feeling the snow fall as she smiles.

Tavi: The snow glows white on the mountain night. Not a footprint to be seen..A kingdom of isolation, and it looks like I’m the queen! The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside, couldn’t keep it in; Heaven knows I’ve tried! Don’t let them in, don’t let them see, be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know…Well, now they know! Let it go! Let it go! Can’t hold it back anymore!

Emilie watches, her mouth hanging agape in slight horror.

Emilie: What are you doing?

Tavi: Singing.

Emilie slowly slides down the wall, hugging her knees to her chest and covering her ears. Crumpet places his paws over his own ears, huddling against Emilie’s neck. Tavi spins on the spot, holding out her arms.

Tavi: Let it go! Let it go! Turn away and slam the door! I don't care what they're going to say! Let the storm rage on…The cold never bothered me anyway!

The doors to the Lamb and Flag open and Stephen LaMarr takes a step outside. He stops, taking one look at Tavi before slowly shaking his head and turning back around.

Stephen LaMarr [Jabbing his thumb over his shoulder]: NAH LADS, IT’S JUST THE FURRY! SHE’S GONE FUCKING NUTS!

The doors to the Lamb and Flag are shut as Emilie starts rocking slightly.

Tavi: It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small; And the fears that once controlled me, can't get to me at aaaaalllll! It's time to see what I can do, to test the limits and break through! No right, no wrong, no rules for meeeeee, I'm freeeeeeeee!

Emilie [Quietly]: Please stop..

Tavi: Let it go! Let it go! I am one with the wind and skyyyyy! Let it go! Let it go! You’ll never see me cryyyyyy! Heeere I staaaaaaand! And heeeeere I’ll staaaaayyyyyy! Let the storm rage ooooooonnn!

The doors open once more and Maurice peers his head out, looking on in disbelief.

Maurice: Aw, fuck, he was right!

Maurice slams the door shut as Tavi ignores them, her head looking at the sky as she takes in the snow!

Tavi: My power flurries through the air into the grooouuund! My soul is spiralling in frozen fractals all aroooouuund! And one thought crystallizes like an icy blaaaaassst! I’m never going back! The past is in the paaaaaaasst! Let it go! Let it go! And I’ll rise like the break of daaaawn! Let it go! Let it go! That perfect girl is gooooone! HERE I STAND, IN THE LIGHT OF DAY!! LET THE STORM RAGE OOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!! The cold never bothered me anyway..

Tavi nods her head, snorting and tearing off her parka, tossing it aside. The entire street falls still, and sound stops within the Lamb and Flag.

Emilie [Shaking her head]: I really wish I was on this mission now.

Tavi: Sometimes, you’ve just gotta--

Emilie: Please do not say ‘let it go’.

The doors to the Lamb and Flag open and Rick Sykes head peers out, looking at Tavi.

Rick Sykes: Was that you singing that shitty fucking song from a shitty fucking film?

Tavi: Yes.

Rick Sykes [Shaking his head]: You, woman, have issues. Don’t fucking do that again.

Rick slams the doors to the Lamb and Flag shut. Tavi grins wickedly.

Tavi: Say, Emilie, do you want to play a little prank?

Emilie: Does it involve these troglodytes?

Tavi [Evilly]: Yes. Very much so.

Emilie: Then yes, please! I would enjoy it much more than singing!

Tavi reaches into her back pocket, pulling out a small, rotund ball with a black fuse: A cherry bomb. With her free hand, she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a box of matches, looking around. She turns around and stops: In the alleyway opposite is a dearth of building materials, remnants of when Al and Dick had a variety of competitions to see who could outdo the other and score the most visitors. Tavi nods towards the alleyway, specifically a pile of six pieces of lumber peering just out of the entrance.

Tavi: Grab a plank, Emilie.

Emilie [Grinning goofily]: Oh my goodness! I have not experienced such fun for a long time!

Emilie trots quickly over to the alleyway, grasping a slender plank of wood which she quickly pulls out, revealing its relatively short, roughly two feet in length. Holding it in both hands, she quickly turns around and walks back over to Tavi.

Tavi: See those door handles? Put it through them.

Emilie: Post haste!

Emilie slots the plank through the door handles, effectively barring the door shut. Emilie claps her hands, grinning brightly. Tavi holds the cherry bomb out to Emilie who takes it before lighting a match, also handing it towards Emilie.

Tavi: Emilie. The honours go to you.

Emilie lights the cherry bomb, placing it delicately at the foot of the door before both her and Tavi scuttle away a few feet, watching. After a few moments, a small explosion scars the air. Tavi and Emilie listen closely as the sounds of dozens of boots hit the wooden floor, growing louder before being punctuated by the sound of thudding and yelping, the door shuddering and shaking as dozens of bodies slam into it.

Tavi [Grinning, nodding]: They truly are their son’s fathers.

Emilie: What now?

Tavi: Let’s go. They will find a way out. Until then, let us enjoy the New Year.

Tavi and Emilie walk up the street. A few moments later, Boris Hellgenstrand dives through the right-hand window which shatters violently. He rolls through, quickly getting to his feet and looking around.

Boris Hellgenstrand: WHO GOES THERE—

Boris is flattened as David Ross leaps through the broken window, tackling him to the ground…

**RUSSIAN AIRSPACE – 1964**

The mercenaries look around, confused at hearing voices of known comrades seemingly emerge from the ether.

Phil [Cocking an eyebrow]: We shouldn’t have been able to hear that. I guess the time streams are awfully fragile.

Steve: Well, considering we’re converging two different points of time, I’m surprised the weakness of the time stream isn’t more pronounced. Like, where we fight velociraptors.

Bob: Does the Man in the Banana Suit count?

Steve: I notice how we never ran into him this year.

Lynch [Mumbling]: Give it fucking time..

Phil: Man, that sounds exciting.

Steve: Fighting velociraptors does not sound all too exciting to me.

The mercenaries watch as Volgin drops to his knees, letting out a hissing rumble of laughter as he flips open the gun crates: One reveals a small, red nuclear warhead, and the other a missile launcher of some description.

Phil: Ooo, new toy, Colonel?

Volgin slowly rises to his feet, clasping a large handle on the launcher.

Volgin: Excellent. A great success! Thanks to the Boss and her Cobras, I have Sokolov and the Shagohod…

Lynch: We helped.

Volgin: You certainly did. And your reward is not dying.

Steve: I find that to be a highly underrated reward.

Ocelot sniffs the air audibly before rising from his seat, turning to the young blonde and moving behind Volgin.

Ocelot: What are we going to do with the girl?

Volgin [Looking over his shoulder]: Who is she?

Ocelot: Apparently, she’s Sokolov woman.

Phil: No fucking chance!

Volgin turns, walking towards her. The woman shuffles away, turning her head away, but Volgin grasps her chin and pulls her head to face him.

Volgin: She’s a nice catch. I’ll take her.

The woman slowly reaches for her skirt pocket.

Bob [Pointing]: SHE GOT A GUN!

Volgin quickly grabs her arm, pulling it towards him to reveal a tube of lipstick. Volgin takes it and opens it to reveal no lipstick, but instead a small barrel.

Volgin: A kiss of death? Well, you were half-right.

Ocelot: Are you KGB?

Lynch: CIA?

Phil: MI-Five?

Volgin: Either way, we may be able to use her.

Volgin grasps her hand again, forcing the ‘lipstick’ tube into it.

Volgin: She has spunk.

Phil sniggers. Volgin reaches inside the metal crates, loading the nuclear warhead into the launcher.

Frank: Just don’t, Phil.

Phil: What? I was agreeing with him.

Lynch [Quietly]: Goddammit Phil, stop agreeing with the enemy!

Phil [Whispering]: Look, if they haven’t killed us yet, I refuse to class them as an enemy. And will you shut up? We’re double agents now.

Ocelot: Shall we take her back to base?

Volgin: Well, we have no further use for Sokolov’s research facility and I wish to test out this new toy. Any objections, please raise them.

Lynch [Quietly]: Me.

Volgin: Why are you so quiet?

Phil: My commanding officer seems to wish to express his hesitancy at launching a nuke into that jungle.

Lynch scowls. Volgin walks over to the side of the Hind, aiming the launcher out of it.

Volgin: Any objections? I repeat, any objections?

Ocelot and Lynch [In unison]: I--

Volgin: Overruled.

Ocelot: But Colonel, even if they are our enemies, they are still our countrymen!

Volgin: I’m well aware of that. But I’m not the one pulling the trigger: It’s our friend, the American defector.

Ocelot [Angrily, grasping Volgin]: YOU’RE GOING TO NUKE YOUR FELLOW RUSSIANS!!!

Volgin shoves Ocelot, causing him to stumble to the right and hit the floor.  Volgin simply girds himself.

Volgin: Remember the Alamo.

Lynch: Davy Crockett never fired no nukes.

Phil: I’m sure if he had a nuke, he’d have launched it right up Santa Anna’s arse.

Volgin: Exactly.

Lynch [Angrily]: Phil!!

Volgin: So, there are no objections?

Lynch: THERE ARE--

Volgin: Overruled.

Volgin presses the button on the handle. With a huge explosion and a burst of smoke, the warhead surges forward from the launcher. After a few moments, a fiery mushroom cloud rises from the jungle, sending a shockwave cascading towards them. The fleet shudders somewhat, but remains resolute as it continues to fly forward.

Lynch [Angrily]: WHY MUST YOU KEEP SAYING OVERRULED?!?

Volgin: My word is law. Yours is not. And while I appreciate that Kosygin has brought you here, I will not appreciate further insubordination.

Lynch walks away, clutching his lower jaw in shock and irritability, marching to the opposite side of the helicopter and folding his arms. Frank walks over, hands in his pockets.

Frank [Quietly]: Lynch?

Lynch: Snake’s still down there.

Frank: Is he dead?

Lynch: I hope not, otherwise we basically just fucked this up in record time.

Frank [Quietly]: Nah, he’s gotta be alive. Gotta be.

Lynch: I fucking hope you’re right..

The helicopters fly into the sunset, the scene fading to black.