Sunday, 30 November 2014

Another (Mercenary Bites The Dust) - Part III

The scene opens up in an unknown location within Aokigahara. The stench of smoke still fills the air from the burning hotel, but the mercenaries are deep within the forest, sitting in a circle around a hastily-constructed campfire in a small clearing. Maurice is sitting, cross-legged, with a pile of hacked logs in front of him, staring into the fire as the other mercenaries sit and lay around, seemingly consigned to their fate. Notably, every mercenary is now sporting a thick, bushy and wiry beard, with the notable exception of Will who still has a trimmed moustache.

Lynch [Quietly, staring into the fire]: Waaaaarrrrrr.....

Frank [Looking at Lynch]: Did you say something?

Lynch [Clearing his throat]: Nah, i'm just thirsty.

Vince: We could go to Lake Saiko and drink.

That Other Random Guy [Muttering]: Drink corpse cast-off? I think not........Besides which, we're lost...

Melvin [Mumbling]: So lost..

Mustafa [Scratching his beard]: Hungry, too.

Frank: We should probably move, Lynch, or else we'll die.

Bob: Very slowly of thirst and starvation.

Steve [Quietly, staring into the fire and twirling the end of his beard]: We might go insane and start fighting amongst eachother, then one person would be killed, possibly by accident. Then that person will be cannibalised mercilessly by the group for survival.

The mercenaries slowly look at Steve, whose eyes are unflinching.

Ivan: You veally do have problems, friend.

Steve [Quietly]: We all have a problem: Starvation slowly settling in.

Will [Raising his arm]: Uh, well, I nominate Frank.

Everybody looks over at Frank, whose eyes widen slightly.

Frank: WHY ME?!

Will: You've been marinating yourself for years.

A mumbling of agreement rises up from the mercenaries. Frank scoffs, moving his mouth but unable to say anything, probably due to the fact that he knows Will's right.

Moe: I bet it's tender and tastes like a steak and ale stew.

Frank [Nervously]: Uh, guys, we shouldn't--

Bill [Slowly getting to his feet]: KILL THE PIG. CUT HIS THROAT. SPILL HIS BLOOD.

The mercenaries slowly look at Bill, who has a crazed look in his eyes as he glares over at Frank. Lynch snaps his fingers and Bill shakes his head, looking around the campsite.

Bill [Sheepishly]: Sorry, i'm just hungry.

Bill slowly sits down. A rustling is heard behind Lynch. The mercenaries look up and Lynch gets to his feet, twisting around and watching as Sal, with a thick black beard, a torn and dirtied Hawaiian shirt and cargo shorts, walks towards them, barefooted as he gazes around. As soon as he sees Lynch, a grin creeps across his face.


Lynch: Sal, you look like a hobo.

Sal [Bluntly]: So do you.

Lynch looks down at his own dirty Hawaiian shirt and beard.

Lynch: Oh.

Maurice: Please tell me you brought food!

Sal: What? I followed the smell of burning wood. You mean you don't have any tasty barbecue?!

Lynch: No..

Sal falls to his knees, screaming desperately to the heavens.

Maurice: Bloody hell...Calm down, lad, we all fail that pain.

Sal [Sobbing]: WE'RE STUCK IN ABSOLUTE HELL!!!!!!!

The undergrowth rustles behind Sal and Tim, with a thick, blonde beard to match his hair, slowly strolls through, gazing around.

Tim [Quietly]: We're free?


Lynch twists around, slapping Sal sharply around the face.

Lynch [Angrily]: CALM DOWN!!!!!!!

Tim slowly walks over to Johnny, who gets to his feet.

Johnny [Quietly]: Thought you died..

Tim [Quietly]: Rumours of my demise have been greatly exaggerated..

Johnny [Raising an eyebrow, bluntly]: What?

Tim [Shaking his head]: Sorry, I just always wanted to say that.

Johnny and Tim hug eachother tightly, sharing a gentle kiss as the mercenaries let loose a resounding 'Awwwww', punctuated by Sal's yelps as Lynch violently slaps him.

Lynch [Angrily]: CALM! CALM! CALM! CALM! CALM!

Sal [Now curled in the foetal position]: I AM! THIS IS JUST ASSAULT, LYNCH!!

Lynch [Kicking Sal angrily]: WELL! I! AM! A! VERY! ANGRY! MAN!

Lynch stops kicking Sal, who breathes heavily as he lays on the ground. Lynch swings a few further kicks into Sal's torso.

Lynch [Kicking Sal angrily]: THIS! IS! VERY! FUCKING! THERAPEUTIC!

Sal whimpers in pain as Lynch breathes out heavily. Tim and Johnny sit down as Lynch turns back to the group, sitting down himself as Sal wheezes, curled in the foetal position.

Tim: So, what do we do now?

Lynch: We sit and wait for sunrise.

Bob: Seriously? What if something sneaks up on us? Something foul? SOMETHING SINISTER?!

Robbie [Bluntly]: Stop being overtly dramatic.

Bill [Interjecting suddenly]: Guys, I heard about this awesome story called The Cows Head--

Vince: Don't.

Bill: But--

Vince [Ominously]: IF YOU HEAR IT, YOU GO INSANE.

A crack of lightning flashes, punctuated by rumbling thunder as the mercenaries look around the campsite.

Bill: But it's a story.

Lynch: Bill, can we just not do this? We've walloped our balls into the face of fate so much that I think we might be marrying her.

Maurice: I dunno, lads, this holiday's been shite.

Will: No hot Japanese babes..

Lynch: No fishing.

Tim: No visits to parks..

Johan: No visiting Akihabara.

Jericho: And now we're stuck. Out here. Hunted by insane and demonic Japanese monsters and spirits.

Lynch [Sighing darkly]: Fuck this.


Mercenaries [In unison, angrily]: Don't fucking say it.

Brick: Any worse?

The mercenaries glare at Brick. Past Lynch, a dog with a human-style face trots through the circle of mercenaries.

Dog [In a perfectly clear voice, sounding suspiciously American]: Hey guys.

The dog just trots out of the circle before bolting off at blistering speed. The mercenaries exchange uneasy looks.

Lynch: Alright, what the fuck was that? Dweeb?

Vince: Jinmenken. Human-faced dog. They're said to be scientific experiments or the spirits of deceased who died in car crashes--

Mustafa: How do you know this shit?

Vince: Research, my dear Mustafa.

Bob: Well then, we clearly aren't safe just sitting here.

Bill: We should consider walking. We're missing Phil, Tavi, Dion, Dick, Al, Dean, Samuel and Karab. That's eight people, Lynch! Mother won't like it!

Lynch slowly gets to his feet, clapping his hands twice.

Lynch [Quietly]: Alright, alright...Let's get moving........Let's just....Let's just get out of the forest....Let's breach the perimeter......Find some form of civilization....Get help....

The mercenaries groan, slowly getting to their feet..


Elsewhere within the confines of Aokigahara, Dean, Samuel and Karab are trekking south. They appear to be completely unconcerned with their dark surroundings, instead trekking through brush and undergrowth on a mission to finally escape their confines.

Samuel: Dean, I don't feel comfortable.

Dean [Quietly]: It's only the death and despair, we'll be fine.

Samuel: Are you sure about that?

Dean: Nope. We're probably being hunted by something that is violently psychotic.

Karab: You really do have a way with words, Dean.

Dean [Scowling]: Fuck off, Karab, you have the kukri, you should be in front, saving our asses!

Karab [Rolling his eyes]: Typical, the Nepali saving the white mans asses.

Dean [Clapping his hands]: Exactly, so chop chop! You served the British well enough!

Karab [Muttering]: Shut the fuck up and let me take point, them.

Karab walks in front of Dean and Samuel, unsheathing his kukri from his belt and slicing through a thicket, walking forward and followed by both of them.

Dean [Whining]: Does this forest ever end?!

Samuel [Sighing]: Dean, shut up.

Dean: Why? IT'S ENDLESS!!!....Shit, maybe it's a magical forest!

Samuel: What? Do you think a unicorn is going to appear?

Karab stops suddenly, as do Dean and Samuel.

Dean [Eyes widening, looking over Karab's left shoulder]: Shit, unicorn?

Karab [Looking down]: ....No...

Dean walks beside Karab and looks down: Staring up at them is a green, scaly reptilian form, with a flat skull filled with water, the water surrounded by flicks of stringy black hair and bulbous golden eyes, along with webbed hands and feet, staring up at Karab.

Kappa [In perfect English]: Hello.

Dean [Cocking an eyebrow]: What the fuck are you?

Samuel [Standing beside Karab]: It's a Kappa.

Dean: A what?

Samuel: A trickster in Japanese lore. Does everything from passing gas loudly to raping women.

Dean [Pointing at the Kappa]: This little shit?

Samuel: He may also try to drown you.

Dean [Still pointing at the Kappa]: Again: This little shit? What could this thing do?

The Kappa lunges forward, tackling Dean by his legs. Dean hits the floor, screaming as the Kappa seizes his left foot and begins dragging him backwards. Dean rolls onto his stomach, clawing at the floor.

Karab [Watching, underwhelmed]: Maybe i'll just watch him and see what he does.

Dean [Screaming]: IS HE GOING TO DROWN ME OR RAPE ME?!?!?

Samuel [Smirking]: We'll have to wait and see! But he really only rapes women.

Dean [Screaming]: HELP ME!!

Samuel: Tip him over! The water in his head is the source of his power!


Samuel sighs, walking over and pressing the sole of his foot against the side of the Kappa, pushing it over: Water flows out of its skull as it lays there, limp, leaving Dean lying there, looking up.

Dean: Oh.

Dean clears his throat, quickly brushing himself off and turning to the fallen Kappa, swinging his right leg back before delivering a thunderous kick to the creature which sends it flying through the undergrowth and into the distance.

Karab [Sighing and walking forward]: Can we just go before something else weird stops us?

Samuel [Turning around]: Too late..

Dean looks up and Karab turns around: Behind them stands the Kuchisake-Onna, grinning brightly and snipping her scissors. The explosion of her hotel has done nothing to stop or wound her, aside from her fresh face being riddled with ash and her left eyebrow having been scorched off.

Kuchisake-Onna: HELLO!!!!!

Karab: How do we defeat a Kuchisake? HOW?!

Samuel [Gulping]: Uh, there's only really ways as to how we distract it, and not defeat it.

Dean [Stepping forward, arms spread]: WELL, FUCKING KILL ME AND GET IT OVER AND DONE WITH!!!!

Kuchisake-Onna [Grinning]: Okay.

Dean [Crestfallen]: Hang on, don't we go through that whole 'watacho, keyree' shit?

Samuel [Clearing his throat]: Watashi, kirei.

Dean [Angrily]: SHUT UP!!! I KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING!!!

Kuchisake-Onna: Am I pretty?

Dean [Grinning]: Oh yes.

The Kuchisake-Onna grins brightly, snipping her scissors threateningly.

Karab [Sighing]: Oh, Dean...

Dean [Crestfallen]: WAIT, SHIT!!

The Kuchisake-Onna swoops forward. Samuel quickly reaches into his pocket, pulling out a boiled sweet and throwing it over the Kuchisake-Onna's head. She spins around, gliding towards the seat as all three of them sprint away from her.



Karab: THAT IS SICK!!!!



Without warning, the three of them burst through a clearing, skidding to a halt at the side of the road. Dean rushes out into the middle of the road, waving his arms as a pick-up truck lazily trundles forward.

Dean [Screaming]: STOP, SENSEI!

The pick-up truck slowly comes to a halt, revealing a confused looking old Japanese man behind the wheel. Samuel rushes over to the drivers window as the driver unrolls it, and both begin speaking in fluent Japanese.

Karab: Woah, that's some good speaking, Sam!

Dean [Mumbling]: I waved down the goddamn vehicle.

Samuel [Turning to Karab]: Get in the back, he's going to take us to Tokyo.

Karab: Wow, what are the chances of us finding a guy who is heading to Tokyo in the early hours of the morning? As well as you knowing Japanese?

Samuel: Shut up and hop in.

Dean, Samuel and Karab quickly rush around the back of the pick-up truck, hopping it into the back of the empty flatbed as the driver begins to drive forward..


Back with Lynch's group, they are heading south as well, their feet marching but their efforts seemingly futile as they simply march through the forest that continuously unfolds in front of them. Madness is slowly beginning to claim their already addled brains and tiredness is playing tricks on their minds, as is evident when Lynch stops the group as a kitsune, a silver fox with several tails, dashes in front of them and into the distance.

Lynch: Random kitsune there.

Sal [Quietly]: Amazing how this shit can happen to us.

Lynch stops, the ground shaking violently. They look to the right, watching as a figure, at least ten feet tall and a vibrant red colour with shaggy black hair, horns and a tiger-skin loincloth, stomps past, carrying a huge kanobo, a wooden club with metal studs. This demonic creature, known as an oni, simply stomps past, not paying attention to them.

Tim: What next, Bigfoot?

Eligio: Bigfoot's American, compadre, he wouldn't be seen here. Unless I just tempted fate.

Lynch [Sighing]: Screw fate, keep moving forward.

Lynch leads the mercenaries forward, marching through undergrowth, brushing away leaves and kicking aside the occasional dessicated corpse with a noose around its neck to facilitate a simple march forward. From out of their silent surroundings, panpipes begin to play, providing a mystical backdrop to their march. Lynch stops suddenly, as do the mercenaries, looking around: Tim suddenly has a pair of wooden panpipes, playing them as they march. He stops as soon as eyes fall upon him.

Tim: ....What?

Mustafa: Panpipes? Really?

Bob [Sighing]: C'mon, Tim, we don't need that shit playing while we're trying to escape this little slice of hell: You don't see me making whale noises or somebody playing an Enya CD, do you?

Tim: Hey, there's nothing wrong with being a musician.

Bill: So, did you make it big?

Tim: What?

Bill [Shrugging]: Well, y'know, if you're a musician, you've probably tried to make it big, right? Make money from the hobby?

Tim: ....Well, I played a few gigs at local pubs, and our band was almost in the top one hundred for Peruvian pipe bands on iTunes!

Bill: Well, at least you became a mercenary.

Tim: Why?

Bill: Because if you dedicated your life solely to being a musician, you probably wouldn't have gotten out of the pubs and clubs and would have no transferrable skills. What is it? About...I don't know..let's guess and say five percent of bands actually make it out of the garage? But, hey, you're here now, at least you're not a complete failure at life like...a taxi driver or a waiter or a guy who drives mail trucks.

Tim: I don't know whether to feel insulted or complimented. That music was my life, Bill. I really did think I was going to make it big.

Lynch [Muttering]: Panpipes aren't music, sunshine.


Lynch [Mumbling quietly]: This shit can't get any weirder..

Lynch twists around and shoves aside a thicket of undergrowth, revealing a small clearing. Ensconced within this clearing is a ramen-ya restaurant: A large building with clearly visible wooden stools and a serving counter, obscured only by fluttering, large pieces of cloth marked with black Japanese calligraphy. These pieces of cloth obscure the top half of the building and, as such, the chef and other staff who may be inside of it. Topped with a dark ruby red roof and decorated with a strip of red lights across the front of the roof, it's a wonder how it hasn't been spotted, though there is a general sense of it being paranormal in origin.

Lynch: Hey, a Soba vendor in the middle of nowhere. Great.

Vince: So hungry...

Jericho: No, seriously, that is such a clear trap.

Lynch: I'm going in.

Johnny: Seriously?!

Lynch [Cricking his neck from side to side]: I don't give a shit. I'm a Navy SEAL: THE ONLY EASY DAY WAS--

Jericho: Yeah, yeah, 'yesterday', we've heard it all before.

Lynch scowls at Jericho, marching forward and flicking the cloth upwards, walking into the ramen-ya. Two servers, clad in white with red aprons and white hats, stand there and watch as Lynch takes a seat on a stool. He looks down, glancing at a laminated menu situated on the counter and jabs his finger down on an item that he cannot understand but seems to be the only one he knows.

Lynch [Tiredly]: Yeah, the Kitsune-udon, please.

Lynch sighs, looking up: The vendor's faces are now blank, showing their true forms as noppera-bō's: Demons who appear human but with unusually smooth faces, appearing completely featureless.

First Soba Vendor Noppera-Bō [Raising arms menacingly]: BEHOLD MY DISTURBING VISAGE, AMERICAN DOG!

Lynch: Excuse me, but I ordered the kitsune-udon.

The noppera-bō stop, turning to eachother and looking at eachother (if they had faces to look at eachother with) before turning to Lynch and raising their arms.

Soba Vendor Noppera-Bō: WE HAVE NO FACES! FEAR--

Lynch slams his fists down, pointing up at the first vendor.

Lynch [Impatiently]: You won't have a fucking head if you don't fetch me my fucking udon!

Soba Vendor Noppera-Bō: ........Understood.

Lynch [Angrily]: DON'T FUCK WITH A SEAL!!

In a seeming instant, a bowl of ramen with a light-coloured broth, several scattered spring greens and a pouch of fried tofu on top of it is laid in front of Lynch, two chopsticks placed beside it.

Lynch: That's better.

Lynch grabs the chopsticks, effortlessly slurping up the noodles, not taking his eyes away from the noppera-bō. In under a minute, Lynch polishes off the meal, downs the broth and slams a hundred-yen note down on the table.

Lynch: Keep the change.

Lynch twists around, sliding the door open and walking outside, wiping his mouth with the back of his right hand.

Jericho: So, is it a trap?

Lynch: There's some faceless assholes in there.

Vince: Noppera-bō.

Lynch: Gesundheit. Anyway, yeah, just eat and try not to look at their faces. Well, heads.

Vince, Jericho, Bill and Sal rush forward, squeezing through and into the ramen-ya. A kitsune, paws on the counter, now stands before them, silver tails rolling behind it.

Bill: Hang on, he said--

Kitsune: May I help you?

Vince: Yeah, give me some noodles. I don't care what it is, as long as you don't shit in the bowl. Feed me, you crazy fox bastard!

Sal: Same here.

Jericho: Me too.

Bill: But--Fuck it, me too.

Kitsune: Coming up.

The kitsune ducks behind the counter.

Jericho: Crazy fox bastard.

Sal: But he said there were some faceless guys in here!

Vince: Who cares? He's so kawaii--

Sal [Darkly]: DON'T say that again.

The kitsune's tail quickly lift four bowls of ramen, setting them down in front of all of the men. Snatching up chopsticks, they quickly wolf down the ramen, leaving only Vince still eating. Bill, Sal and Jericho leave as Vince looks around, slurping his noodles noisily.

Vince: Dammit!

Kitsune: Pay up.

Vince sighs, slurping down the broth and setting down a handful of hundred yen notes before walking out of the ramen-ya.

Vince [Calling out]: It's safe!

Tim, Johnny, Jericho, Steve and Ivan walk into the ramen-ya: Behind the counter stands a kappa.

Tim: What the hell is this?

Jericho: Tiny, green and slimy: It might just be Will.

Steve [Smirking]: Damn, Will got handsome, then.

Kappa: What would you like?

Jericho: The plainest ramen you've got. No funny stuff like squid or schoolgirls in it.

Kappa: Coming up.

The kappa ducks down behind the counter.

Steve: Didn't the others say it was supposed to faceless?.....Or a fox?

Tim: Well, it's Japanese anyway.

Jericho: Oh, yeah, we can be thankful for that.

The kappa resurfaces, placing down four bowls of ramen. Jericho looks down at the ramen, cocking an eyebrow and taking his bowl in his hands.

Steve: Have you never eaten ramen?

Jericho: I've eaten Pot Noodles--

Steve: .....So you've never eaten ramen?

Jericho [Shrugging]: I guess not, no.

Ivan: Have you even used chopsticks?

Jericho: Nope.

Ivan: Then slurp it down.

Jericho looks down at the bowl before holding it to his lips and tipping it back, wolfing down the broth and ramen with somewhat disturbing ease. The mercenaries, finishing as quickly as they started, quickly slam their bowls down, walking out of the ramen-ya and towards the other mercenaries who now, having realised that the shop is not necessarily a trap, are queuing up.

Tim: Well, at least we're full now!

Lynch: Yeah, well, let's get moving.

Billy: After we've ate.

Lynch [Waving them away]: Go! Eat!

Billy, Frank, Jon and Brick rush into the ramen-ya. Without speaking a single word, Lynch walks forward, through a clearing, and disappears. Sal watches on, cocking an eyebrow.

Sal [Calling over]: Lynch?!....LYNCH?!?!?!

Ivan: Vere has he gone?

Sal [Taken aback]: ....I....don't know...


After an hour of walking, there appears to be no end for the mercenaries walking. Frank, having taken point, leads his men into a small clearing before throwing his right arm up, indicating for them to stop. Frank places his hands on his knees, breathing heavily.

Will [Scoffing]: You unfit bastard! We've only been walking for five minutes since eating!

Frank [Wheezing]: I can't help it! I like to have a nap after eating! And i'm Lynch's designated second in command!

Bill [Stepping forward and besides Frank]: So, we lost Lynch?

Sal [Walking forward]: Yep.

Bill [Scoffing]: How did we lose Lynch?!

A bush to the right of Bill rustles loudly and Lynch stoically walks out of it, clasping a hand on Bill's right shoulder and leaning into his ear.

Lynch: I was scouting.

Lynch walks past them, for some reason wearing a hat made of nine kitsune tails on his head, his hands slicked with blood as he strolls forward and takes point once again. The mercenaries just watch in disbelief as he does.

Billy: ...What the FUCK?

Vince [In disbelief]: Lynch, did you kill a kitsune with your bare hands?

Lynch [Boisterously]: NAVY SEAL, MOTHERFUCKER!

Eligio: He just killed a mythical creature....Do they normally teach that in the SEALs?

Bobby: Well, I wouldn't be surprised. Seems like the kind of things SEALs are trained for, alongside punching deities and teabagging sharks.

The mercenaries follow Lynch, who walks into a clearing and looks around.

Lynch: What now?

Frank: We walk towards civilisation.

Lynch: Alright. Where's civilisation?

Bob: In some...random direction.

Eligio: Let's ask that guy.

Eligio points behind Lynch at a Japanese man, dressed in business clothes, standing atop a fragile branch and tying a noose around his neck. Eligio squeezes past them.

Eligio [Calling out]: Hey, compadre, can you give us directions to--

The businessman leaps off the branch, his neck snapping violently as the rope tightens, hanging him and killing him in almost an instant.

Mustafa [Sighing darkly]: Fuck this country, seriously.

Bob: Well, that's what we get for staying in a country with the highest rate of suicide amongst men in the world. In the middle of a suicide hotspot, I might add.

Sal: Hang on, if this guy is committing suicide, then....we MUST be getting close to some semblance of civilisation!

Steve [Snapping his fingers]: Exactly! They wouldn't hike too far into the forest just to hang themselves! That must mean an official trail is somewhere!

Bobby: Thank you, hanged man!

The body simply sways in the small breeze blowing throughout the forest.

Eligio [Cocking an eyebrow]: Is he saying something?

Bobby: Nah, it's just his corpse in the breeze.

Lynch: Look, if we're getting close to civilisation, let's just keep walking.

Lynch walks forward, past the corpse of the businessman and is followed by the mercenaries, aside from Brick who scuttles up to the body, reaching into the inside pocket of the businessmans suit jacket and pulling out a wallet.

Brick [Grinning]: Jackpot!

Brick turns, looking at Billy who is watching him with a look of disgust on his face.

Billy [Quietly]: Yeh have some issues, lad.

Brick: The dead can't take it with 'em.

Billy [Pointing at Brick]: I've got my eyes on you, lad.

Billy and Brick rush forward, quickly joining the rear of the huddle of mercenaries slowly marching forward through Aokigahara. Walking forward, the mercenaries begin to notice scraps of plastic tape scattering the floor and strapped to some of the trees, a solid indicator that they are approaching a potential trail.

Vince [Pointing out a scrap of tape on a tree to his right]: Hikers use tape to mark their way back. If we keep following the tape, we should make it to a designated trail.

Bob: Which means?

Vince: Freedom.

Heading between two trees, Lynch stops, his feet finding an area cleared of vegetation: Looking left, he notices a long clearing of trees and plants, indicating that they have finally reached an actual trail. Lynch lets out a sigh of relief before turning his head to the right: Three young Japanese women, dressed in red and black silk frilled dresses, are standing up the trail, watching the mercenaries carefully. The middle woman appears to the oldest, with the two standing to her left and right appearing as barely teenagers, their hair tied into pigtails with red ribbons. The woman in the middle has her hair tied back into a high ponytail. All three of them watch, only for Vince to spin around and point at them.

Vince [Pointing, ecstatically]: Oh my God, it's the Japanese kawaii metal group themselves, the singing sensations who have captured the hearts and minds of fans around the globe: Babymetal!

Sal: You can suddenly see why this place is a suicide hotspot.

Lynch: Three young Japanese women in this very dark forest: Will, stop breathing heavily. I'm pretty sure it'd be illegal for at least two of them.

Will [Drooling]: Me look at middle one. Me like.

Lynch [Slapping Will around the back of his head]: Stop that.

Frank [In slow, forced English]: EXCUSE ME. DO YOU. KNOW WAY. TO PATH. OUT OF. FOREST?

Eligio: They're not retarded, Frank.

Babymetal remain silent.

Frank [In slow, forced English, now with exaggerated hand gestures]: CAN YOU. TELL US. FOREIGN MEN. WHICH WAY. OUT. OF. FOREST?

Sal [In slow, forced English, motioning at Frank]: EXCUSE OUR FRIEND. HE'S MENTALLY RETARDED.

Frank [Twisting around, glaring at Sal]: Shut up! They can't understand us!

Lynch [Walking forward and shoving Frank and Sal aside]: Hey, help us!

Babymetal remain silent.

Johan: Maybe they aren't good with English.

Bob: So, what do we do?

Mustafa: Move them aside.

A rustling is heard in the trees above them as the mercenaries and Babymetal look up: In a tree to the left of Babymetal, standing on a branch, are Brick, Bill, Johnny, Steve and That Other Random Guy. Brick, Bill and Johnny are now wearing white t-shirts with the black letters N, E and W painted on them respectively, with That Other Random Guy and Bill wearing white t-shirts with the black letters JA and CK painted on them respectively.

Lynch [Facepalming]: Oh Christ, not this.


Lynch [Bluntly]: I hate this stupid fucking attempt at a fucking new trademark for this stupid fucking company. It's not fucking funny and i'll shoot the next person who "New Jack's". Including the next asshole who announces it.



Each mercenary jumps off of the branch as "Natural Born Killaz" by Ice Cube and Dr. Dre begins playing spontaneously throughout Aokigahara. Each member of Babymetal, in unison, takes a single step backwards, which renders the aerial assault useless as each mercenary plunges and hits the ground with a sickening crash.

Lynch [Underwhelmed]: ......Right, now that they've got that out of their system, does anybody speak Japanese? VINCE!

Vince steps forward.

Vince: I'll do my best.

Vince walks towards them, grinning brightly.

Vince [Opening his arms]: SU-METAL! YOU MUST SPEAK ENGLISH, RIGHT?!

The middle member steps backwards as Vince walks towards her.

Jon [Calling over]: Your neckbeard is scaring her!

Lynch [Angrily]: SPEAK JAPANESE, YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!!

Vince: C'mon, Su-Metal, where do we go?

Su-Metal: North.


Sal [Slapping Frank sharply on the back of his head]: That was English!

Jericho: So, we head North? Where does that lead us?

Su-Metal: Saikonishi.

Ivan: Vat's Saikonishi?

Vince: Small town. Some hotels.

Lynch: Fuck hotels, I want a train, I want to take it to Tokyo too. I want to get out of here! OUT OF THE WAY, TINY KAWAII WOMEN!!

Lynch stomps past Babymetal, heading North up the designated trail.

Vince [Cooing]: LYNCH SAID KAWAII!!


Lynch storms forward up the trail as the mercenaries quickly jog forward.

Melvin: At least we're almost free.

Lynch: I can hear civilisation...


Frank: Well, bye.

Tim: It was a reference to the song "Civilisation" by Danny Kaye and the Andrews Sisters.

Lynch: Frank doesn't know about music. He thinks music has to involve banjos.

Frank [Scoffing]: No, I like guitars and drums! I like classic rock! I don't like warbling!

Lynch: You don't like warbling and yet i've heard you belt out "American Pie" on more than one occasion.

Mustafa: Really?

Frank: Hey, I like Don McClean...

Sal: Remember the day when the music....died?

Frank: Singing my, my--


Jon [Laughing and patting Sal's back]: Man, you sure know how to turn up the heat when it comes to it.

Sal: Damn straight.

Tim: There's nothing wrong with Don McClean...

Jon: You play Peruvian panpipes, so shut up.

Tim [Scoffing]: There's nothing wrong with Peruvian panpipes.

Jon: Aside from the fact that they exist.

Bob: Can we PLEASE stop whining about music?

Frank: Alright, Bob, what should we talk about? Japanese culture?

Bob: YEAH! That'd be nice, considering we're here!

Frank: Alright then: What is your opinion on the Yasukuni Shrine?

That Other Random Guy: Oh, shit, this is getting politically loaded now.

Bob [Shrugging]: Well....I.....That's the shrine where the spirits of the war criminals from World War Two are enshrined, right?

Frank: Yep.

Bob: How can I give an answer that doesn't make me look like a complete bastard?

Frank [Smirking]: You can't!

Bob: I really do hate you, Frank.

Mustafa: Alright then, it seems as if we need another topic to talk about.

Steve: I really like ramen.

Jericho [Not paying attention]: That's really nice, Steve, reverting back to our old self, are we?

Steve [Taken aback]: No, I was thinking that we could talk about food. Japanese food.

Bob: I like................sushi.

Eligio: I really hope you didn't have to hurt your brain thinking about that.

Lynch [Turning around, facing the mercenaries as he walks backwards]: How about you all just fucking shut up and walk in silence?

Dave: That's no fun!

Lynch [Scathingly]: Fuck fun!

Eligio: Uh, Lynch--

Lynch: Seriously, fuck it, just shut the fuck up!

Eligio: LYNCH!!

Lynch spins around, stopping at the edge of a road. In the distance, barely visible, is a triangular, snow-capped mountain beyond forests and several old buildings ahead of them, including what appears to be a very plainly-marked hotel directly ahead of them: They've emerged just outside of Saikonishi.

Lynch: That's it? That was Aokigahara?.......What now?

Vince: Hitch-hike? Steal a car? Run very fast up that mountain?

Sal: Where's Mount Fuji? Is that Mount Fuji?

Vince [Narrowing his eyes]: ....No....probably Mount Settogatake.

Lynch sighs, looking down at his phone and noticing he has a signal. With it, he simply keys in a number into his phone, dialling someone and lifting the headset to his ear.

Lynch: Hello. May I hire seven taxi's from Saikonishi?....Thank you, uh....Arigatou.

Lynch hangs up, slipping the phone into his pocket as the mercenaries watch in stunned silence. Lynch turns around, looking at them.

Lynch: .........What? It IS a satellite phone.

Vince: ....Do you think they'll know where to pick us up from?

Lynch: ...Hopefully.

Eligio [Shaking in anger]: YOU HAD A PHONE ALL THIS TIME?!

Lynch: Yeah. Well, I thought you lot could use the exercise, plus we needed to be out of the--

Eligio screams, charging forward and locking his hands around Lynch's neck as the scene fades to black...


The scene opens, five hours later, in Tokyo. Phil and Tavi are stood on Jingūbashi, otherwise known as the Harajuku Bridge. This wide bridge is famous for being a gathering place for cosplayers, many of whom are gathered in the Sunday morning light. Running above train tracks and linking the Harajuku Station with the Meiji Shrine, the bridge is populated with a throng of tourists and cosplayers, with Tavi standing on the side closest to Harajuku Station, using her mobile phone to take pictures as Phil watches.

Phil: Cosplayers. Why?

Tavi: Because they're so talented!

Phil: But it's stupid.

Tavi [Coldly]: How? How is having the talent to construct a costume almost identical to what a character wears stupid?

Phil: The Vikings had a far better idea: You take an animal, kill the animal, and then you wear its skin and have the power of the animal. Whereas these nerds have the power of some little teenage girl spinning a leek in her hand.

Tavi turns her head, looking at Phil and only now noticing that, for some reason, Phil is wearing a bearskin cape over a black t-shirt, jeans and leather army boots.

Tavi: Phil, what the fuck?

Phil [Looking down at his cape]: What? I thought it'd be cold.

Tavi [Sighing and turning back to her phone]: Let me just take a few pictures, get some snaps of the Rockabilly dancers and we can go and visit the Meiji Shrine--

Phil [In disbelief]: Rockabilly? Don't tell me the Japanese have been brainwashed by that subculture which encourages people to dress like fucking swamp-living inbred goth hicks and whose music sounds like the pained warblings a lobotomised Elvis Presley getting his teeth punched and broken by Muddy Waters while some cunt strums a guitar with his single tooth?

Tavi: There's nothing wrong with rocka--

Phil [Laughing]: Morrissey used to play rockabilly. MORRISSEY. The same cunt who epitomises "Sit on my arse and whine about politicians" and who voted for Nigel Farage shortly before his assassination by the Scottish National Party.

Tavi [Yawning]: Please don't bore me with the last decade of British history--

Phil: Hey, SNP assimilated UKIP and became SKIP. Scottish Kingdom Independence Party. That event is important because it prompted Clegg and Cameron to outlaw all other parties and begin a PMC takeover alongside Praying Mantis with the Liberal Democrat Army and Conservative Army respectively--

Tavi [Growing irritated]: Phil--

Phil [Stepping forward, voice loudening for dramatic effect]: And when the CA and LDA joined forces, my fellow British turned to Ed Miliband for help, but Ed Miliband has an automobile fetish and was too busy shagging a Seat Leon to notice martial law descending on our green and fertile land! And what happened after that? The rebels came, OH, THE BRAVE REBELS! HOW THEY ARMED TO START THE FIGHT AGAINST PARLIAMENT! OH, BONNY SCOTLAND, TURNING ON THE ENGLISH TO JOIN THE FIGHT AS THE IRISH MARCHED ON NORTHERN IRELAND AND UNDERWENT FORCEFUL UNIFICATION! How I wish I was with the rebels....

Tavi [Angrily]: PHIL!

Phil: What?

Tavi: Your country's history is fucking boring.

Phil: Those are recent events.

Tavi: Would you like to learn the history of my country?

Phil: Go on.

Tavi [With a dangerous-sounding false sweetness]: Everything can fucking kill you.

Phil [Turning around and looking at Tavi]: Wait, you're Australian?

Tavi: Aye.

Phil [Clasping his hands to the side of his head]: YOU DON'T HAVE AN ACCENT!!!!!

Tavi: Phil, where do you think I was genetically engineered? Ireland?

Phil: Tavi, I know fuck-all about you.

Tavi: Do you think the Europeans used sugar gliders in their genetic experiments? Nope. That's where I come from. That's the only possible answer.

Tavi sighs.

Phil: don't know for sure?

Tavi [Shrugging listlessly]: It's logic. I don't even know if there's others like me. I to think....I have a past beyond fighting as a mercenary...

Phil: How did you even get into it?

Tavi [Quietly]: ...All I remember is waking up in a bed in a house...with Mother standing next to me....That's....really my only early memory....and that' I was....sixteen...

Phil [Dumbfounded]: Shite.

Tavi [Smiling weakly]: When we get home...I want to talk...with Mother....see if she knows  anything....hopefully she'll talk.........Now that Courtney's planning to leave........

Phil: I can kneecap the bitch for you.

Tavi [Smirking]: Nah, it's fine. I guess I just know who my true friends are, and they're the ones who stand at your side  through thick and thin, not the ones who run away and cower.

Phil: Eh? Courtney hardly cowers.

Tavi [Shrugging]: I heard her crying for her Mommy some nights while she slept.

Phil: Ouch.........Well, i'll stand at your side--

Tavi [Smirking and walking up to him, placing her thumb on his nose]: Still in the friendzone, Phil.

Phil lunges forward, wrapping his arms around Tavi and lifting her up, hugging her tightly. Tavi laughs loudly, wrapping her arms around him and hugging him.

Phil: Hey, I ain't going to go fucking beta just because i'm in the friendzone!

Tavi [Coughing slightly]: Alright, I get it, you don't have to bearhug me!

Phil lets Tavi down onto her fight as she coughs slightly, laughing and rubbing her chest. Tavi grins, but stops and sniffs the air.

Phil: What's wrong?

Tavi: ....Quite a strong....familiar...smell..

Tavi spins around, looking down the street: Heading towards them is Lynch, flanked by the other mercenaries. It appears that they caught taxis to the nearest train station and took them to Harajuku straight away for a reason unknown to them. Riddled with dirt and grime, still wearing tattered Hawaiian shirts and shorts with bristling beards, the mercenaries march forward, ignoring the throng of people who stop and turn, staring at them. Lynch's cold blue eyes are trained directly at Phil as he marches forward.

Phil: Well, it's Lynch.

Lynch keeps walking towards them.

Tavi: He looks pissed...

Tavi looks over her shoulder at Phil, who is busy trying to rush through a crowd of cosplayers. However, all he seems to be doing is barging against a wall of humanity, unable to penetrate the thick throng of tourists and costumed aficionados.

Phil [Screaming]: BEGONE, PEOPLE, I NEED TO RUN!!

Lynch suddenly breaks into a jog, jogging straight past Tavi and towards Phil. Phil twists around, pointing at Lynch and screaming loudly. Without thinking, Phil quickly rushes towards Lynch, screaming loud obscenities and gibberish as Lynch keeps jogging, a grin on his face that indicates he is not entirely serious, though the sprinting Phil gives him enough cause for concern to the step to the left as he sprints forward, extending his arm and clotheslining Phil roughly, sending him straight down to the concrete. Crowds of people are now watching as Lynch looks down at Phil who gazes up at him.

Lynch [Grinning]: Run from this.

Phil: Fuck.

Lynch raises his foot above Phil's head, and Phil shuts his eyes tightly, but Lynch simply taps his nose with the toe of his boot.

Lynch: Get up, pussy, I barely gave you a love tap.

Phil slowly sits up as Lynch turns to the mercenaries, along with Tavi, who are now looking over at them.

Lynch [Clapping his hands together and rubbing them]: I THINK IT'S TIME FOR A FUCKIN' HOLIDAY!!!!!!!!

A loud cheer goes up from the mercenaries. Seemingly on command, Dick, Al and Dion emerge within the crowd, having apparently just visited the Meiji Shrine. They are chatting amongst themselves until they see Lynch. Upon seeing Lynch, their faces fall, but Lynch turns his head, looking at them and grinning.

Lynch [Grinning]: Now you three...I'm going to hurt.

Al [Gulping]:

Lynch slowly advances towards them...


The scene opens in a small pub within the heart of Tokyo. The mercenaries have fallen ditched their old clothes and washed, trimming their facial hair or shaving it fully. A stop at a clothing shop appears to have happened as they are now wearing evening clothes, with all of them wearing plain white or grey shirts aside from Will, wearing a bright turquoise shirt that appears to be two sizes too small for him. With jeans and smart shoes alongside the shirts, the mercenaries can easily be distinguished from the drunken salarymen filling the pub. The pub that the mercenaries are huddled in is small and quaint, dark and barely lit, with an impressive selection of liquor in the shelves behind the bar. A series of wooden stools with red cushions are at the bar, which several mercenaries, including Lynch and Frank, are sat at. The other mercenaries are interspersed amongst the round wooden circular tables, with Jon, Sal, Billy and Vince sat within a semi-circular booth on the far right-hand wall of the pub.

Lynch has his feet on Dion's back, who is on all-fours in front of Lynch. Al is stood to his left while Dick is stood to his right. The three men appear to be sullen, their fun and their luck having ran out as the barman places a bottle of Sapporo beer in front of Frank, along with a glass tankard.
Dion: Lynch--

Lynch: Footstools don't talk.

Dick: Lynch...

Lynch [Coldly]: And toothpicks definitely don't talk.

Al: C'mon, Lynch--

Lynch: Shut up, toilet paper.

Al shudders as Frank pours some Sapporo beer into Lynch's glass. Lynch turns his head, looking at Frank.

Lynch: You're not in my bad books, why are you pouring?

Frank: It's tradition. You pour your companion his drink, who pours you a drink, and then you raise your glasses and give cheers.

Lynch: What happened to the tradition of breaking the first bottle by smashing it over someone's head?

Frank: That's a very localised tradition to two small streets in the Sinai Desert.

Lynch: Good point.

Lynch grabs Frank's bottle of Sapporo, pouring his glass out before slamming it down on the bar and grabbing his own glass, looking down the bar before looking over his right shoulder at the rest of the mercenaries.

Lynch [Raising his glass]: Well, here's to Japan, lads. Never again.

Johnny: Screw that, i'm coming back next year!

Jericho: Yeah, this was fun!

Steve: You have a very odd definition of 'fun'.

Frank raises his glass.


Frank downs his beer in a few gulps as Lynch lets loose a thankful sigh, shaking his head.

Dean [Looking across the bar]: By the way, guys.

Sal: [Looking over]: Yeah?

Dean: ........Whatever happened to the Kuchisake-Onna, anyway?

Steve: What do you mean?

Dean: Well, Sam said we only really knew how to distract it.

Frank [In disbelief]: You mean it didn't die in the explosion?!

Karab: No.....

The mercenaries suddenly fall silent.

Phil: Aw, piss.

The doors to the bar thrust open as the Kuchisake-Onna stands there, a grin spreading across her bloody maw as she snips her scissors threateningly, walking through the doorway as the scene fades to black.

The scene opens again as the Kuchisake-Onna is dragged backwards away from the door. Lynch gets to his feet as triumphant trumpets play, watching as the trio of Dean, Karab and Samuel drag her to the floor, kicking her violently.

Lynch [Ecstatically]: YOU THREE SURVIVED!!!!!!!

Dean [Turning around, grinning and giving two thumbs up]: Don't count out the Chevrolet boys and the Singh boy.

Karab unsheathes his kirpan, leaning down and stabbing the Kuchisake-Onna with a disturbing fervour as Dean walks into the pub.

Dean [grinning and giving a double thumbs up, impersonate 'The Fonz']: AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

"Happy Days" begins to play as the scene fades to black.


With this, the year comes to a close. I may do a New Year's special, but it's doubtful.

I wish I could make this more extensive, which is why I made a separate page for it to return to if I want. With work piling up and the year coming to a close, however, I haven't been able to refine it as much as I want. Hopefully, however, it's gotten a few chuckles and Google searches from you.

Thanks for all the support. I see that counter rise constantly, and though no comments are made, I like to think some of you are reading, and that's enough for me.

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