Sunday, 28 April 2013

Metal Gear Mercenaries - SoI Intermission - Rumble in the Jungle


A sprawling, vast, tropical jungle, filled with emerald flora and fauna. (When it's not being bulldozed.) All surrounding the flowing and majestic waters of the Amazon River. Inside this sprawling forest which encompasses nine countries, with Brazil itself holding the largest amount of Amazonia, amazing and breathtaking wildlife lives in harmony with nature.

Naturally, it is only right that the Amazon be used as a place by an insane Russian warlord to hide out as he awaits his mercenaries.

In the Amazon, a red portal bursts open as our mercenaries are spit out one by one into a large clearing, little more than a huge circle of deforested dirt surrounded by thick trees and vegetation. Lynch gets up to his feet, dusting himself off as Frank collapses at his feet. Bill is spat out, quickly dogpiled by Billy, Will, Sal, Vince and Johnny. Lynch turns around, watching as Phil and Jericho fly through the air as they are spat out, while Tim hits the ground, quickly dogpiled on by Moe, Jon, Eligio, Ivan and Steve. Lynch coughs quietly, gazing around his surroundings and attuning to the various cries, squawks and buzzing of the wildlife.

Lynch [Quietly]: ...Well...I'm guessing we're here for a reason..

Frank groans, pulling himself up.

Frank: Ocelot said he'd give us a sign. What the hell was it?

Lynch [Shrugging]: I don't know, but if Mother brought us here....It must mean something..

Sal gets to his feet, checking his watch as Johan, Marcos and Maurice are spat out by the portal, hitting the ground with heavy crashes, and are followed swiftly by Brick, who has Mr. Moneypennies tied tightly around his leg.

Sal: ......According to my watch...........I haven't aligned it to the past.

Jericho [Dusting off his coat]: And not just like we can check a calendar, is it?

Brick pulls Mr. Moneypennies off his leg, getting up only to be flattened when Dean, Samuel and Karab are sent flying through the portal and crashing onto him. Dave and Robbie are spat out, landing on the dogpile.

Brick [Choking]: I CAN TASTE MY SPINE!!!

Dave [Shaking his head]: Fucking hell, wish there was a more comfortable way to travel through time!

Lynch: That ain't happening.. [Whistling shrilly]: GET UP, YOU PANSIES!!

Finally, Bob is spat out, hurtling at Lynch who swiftly catches him as the portal fizzles out, shutting with a loud pop as Bob lays in Lynch's arms.

Bob [Gazing up]: ....This ISN'T what it looks like.

Lynch growls violently, dropping Bob with a thud onto the floor as he shoulders his AKS. Notably, the fatigues of each mercenary have remained soaked and sodden since their misadventures on the Tanker. Frank sighs, wringing the legs of his camouflage fatigues.

Frank [Grumbling]: ...Couldn't time be warmer to dry us off?..

Lynch sighs, watching as the mercenaries get to their feet, bodies dripping with seawater and fatigues soaked, clinging to their skin. Combined with the horrendously humid conditions in Amazonia, the mercenaries are notably uncomfortable, wincing and scratching as they stand there.

Moe [Agonisingly]: Permission to strip?!


Will quickly tears off his fatigues, revealing a pair of black silk boxers as he stands there wearing nothing more than the boxers, his boots and his rifle over his shoulder, sighing and spreading his arms as the mercenaries reel.


Brick falls to his feet, quickly scooping up dirt and throwing it into his eye, letting out a bloodcurdling scream as Steve digs into the dirt, creating a hole and stuffing his head into it.

Lynch [Taken aback]: Fucking hell, Will, don't you ever shave?!

Will looks down at his hairy chest, grinning.

Will: Hooooo boy, nothing wrong with the carpet!

Dave doubles over, vomiting noisily onto the floor and screaming as Bob faints, hitting the floor with a thud.

Johnny [Eye twitching]: You're so ugly that it's actually offensive.

Will: Admire it while you can, boys!

Jericho: I don't know whether to look away or to shoot you with a tranquilizer dart!

Lynch listens intently, hearing a sound akin to a blade striking a tree. Lynch sweeps around, aiming down the iron sights of his AKS towards a large bundle of thorny undergrowth.

Lynch [Calling out]: LA-LI-LU-LE-LO!!! LA-LI-LU-LE-LO!!!

The mercenaries exchange awkward looks as Lynch jams the barrel of his rifle towards the undergrowth. Frank walks beside him, sweeping up his own AKS and aiming at the undergrowth.


Maurice: Bleedin' hell, these fatigues don't 'alf itch, like.

Jericho groans, shrugging off his sodden trenchcoat and pulls off the shirt of his fatigues, throwing it to the floor.

Will [Taken aback]: Well, Jericho, looks like the only exercise you get is lifting donuts!

Jericho looks down at his stomach, then over at Will.

Jericho [Calmly]: I eat what I want and don't hide it. Meanwhile, Will, your tits look like someone filled pillowcases with minced meat.

The mercenaries burst out laughing as they begin to follow suit of Jericho, ripping off the tops of their fatigues and going barechested. Dave dusts himself off, cricking his neck and looking at Robbie, who appears to be relatively skinny while Dave appears to be moderately well built, the muscles on his torso showing clearly. Billy throws his fatigues at Will, revealing himself to easily be the most well built of the mercenaries.

Billy: Och, this is what a real man looks like, aye?

Bill: Dude, it's a total sausage fest here.

Vince pulls off his fatigues and looks at Jon, who appears to be staring ahead with a bewildered expression, having not stripped off.

Vince: Not gonna go commando, Jon?

Jon [Quietly]: My eyes are trying to escape my skull.

Johnny [Looking around]: Huh. Some of you are pretty well built.

Johnny looks over at Sal, who appears to be skinny and decently built beneath his fatigues as he pulls off his shirt, looking around at the mercenaries. Maurice, who looks a generously proportioned boulder with a stomach to match, twists his shirt and uses it to whip the hairy back of Phil, who yelps and jumps up.


Maurice: Bloody 'ell, lad, you really haven't heard of a razor!

Phil [Angrily]: I have, I just choose not to use it!

Ivan stands beside Phil, creating a stark contrast between the hair-covered beast and his own shaven self, appearing well-built and muscular beside his comrade.

Ivan: LOOK! Before and after hair removal!

Phil [Scathingly]: Douche..

Marcos tears off his shirt, revealing a huge, barrel-like chest covered in tattoos, with a distinct tattoo of the Virgin Mary on his chest as Johan tears off his own, revealing that most of the mechanics are well-muscled behemoths. Until Eligio takes off his own shirt, revealing himself as a lot smaller than his compatriots.

Marcos [Chuckling]: Damn, Eligio..It's like you're a Mini-Me.

Lynch sighs, watching as the blade of a machete hacks through the thicket. Lynch and Frank step forward.

Lynch [Hastily]: LA-LI-LU-LE-LO!

Heavy French Accent: DO NOT SHOOT! IS ME!

Lynch and Frank swiftly lower their rifles as the thicket is hacked apart, allowing none other than Fabien to step through. He appears just as the mercenaries remember him, except with an extra scar across the bridge of his nose and deeper bags under his eyes. He raises his hands, machete clutched tightly in his right hand.

Fabien [Grinning]: I told you ve would meet again!

Lynch [Bluntly]: Son of a fucking Frenchman.


Lynch: Fuck.

Fabien glances over the mercenaries who have stripped off, nodding slightly.

Fabien: I see ve are going barechested! It's a good idea, is very humid in zis place! How come your fatigues are so vet?

Lynch[Bluntly]: Swimming.

Fabien [Laughing]: HAHA! I see you have some big balls, swimming in ze Amazon! Anyway, is good to see you all!

Frank: Oi, Frenchy, what's the date?

Fabien [Raising an eyebrow]: Is April Twenty-Second? Remember? Ocelot lit a small section of zis forest on fire?

Lynch [Quietly, to Frank]: Of course...Twenty-Second. Is a week before the Big Shell Incident.

Lynch quickly turns to Fabien, nodding as Bill chases Will past him, snapping him with his fatigues as Will screams.

Fabien: Vell, shall ve move?!

Frank: Where is Ocelot?

Fabien: Zat...I do not know.

Frank and Lynch sigh, hanging their heads as Dean swings his shirt around his head, pointing at Karab and laughing.

Dean: Let's see those muscles Karab!

Karab sighs, pulling off the shirt of his fatigues and revealing the fact that he is relatively well cut.

Dean [Crestfallen]: ..Of course.

Samuel [Laughing]: Puts you to shame, Dean!

Jericho [Folding his arms]: Definite homoerotic undertones here.

Ivan: Enjoy ze sausage fest, Jerry!

Steve remains fully clothed, looking around as Lynch turns around, giving a shrill whistle.


The mercenaries walk over to Lynch. Fabien walks forward, standing beside Lynch and standing at attention, quickly pulling his own shirt off and throwing it over his shoulder, shouldering his AKS-47U Assault Rifle.

Lynch: Alright, lads: Solid Snake is still alive. We helped him accomplish the mission on Shadow Moses and the Tanker. Just like how we ended up at Shadow Moses and on the Tanker: This is a crossroads. If we don’t meet up with Ocelot, Snakes going to walk into Big Shell and probably become toast! This is it!

Frank: Does that mean—


Everyone suddenly points to Frank.

Frank: Fuck. Off.

Lynch: REMEMBER! Find the man named Winston Tenpenny as well!

Sal: So, how are we doing this?

Lynch: There will be four teams: I will lead Fabien, Frank, Will, Dean, Samuel and Karab, and we'll head North from here. Sal, you lead Johan, Eligio, Jon, Vince, Marcos and Billy, heading East from here. Robbie, you lead Dave, Brick, Bob, Maurice and Moe to the South. Phil, you lead Jericho, Ivan, Steve, Johnny, Tim and Bill westwards.

Bob: And how, pray tell, will we communicate with eachother?

Lynch looks crestfallen, looking around.

Lynch [Embarrassed]: He' a point.

Fabien: I have zese.

Fabien reaches into a cargo belt strapped tightly around his waist, pulling several red emergency flares out of a long pocket on his waist and holding them out.

Fabien: Ve could light it ven ve meet Ocelot or Winston, got eet?

Lynch: Heard the man? LEADERS! Take a flare!

Phil, Robbie and Sal take two flares each from Fabien before Fabien slips them back into his cargo belt. Lynch turns right, beginning to head North, climbing through a thin patch of undergrowth and disappearing into the jungle as his team follows. The remaining three teams look at eachother.


Silence. Phil scratches his rear.

Phil: Catch you later, lads.

Maurice: Aye, tara.

Johnny [Sighing]: Can't we just stay here?

Phil: I'd love to, but if Lynch catches us, he would legitimately tear out our spleens and forcefeed them to us.

Tim and Johnny gulp as Jericho laughs, clapping his hands together.

Jericho: Aye..CHOP CHOP!

Phil turns around, walking west towards a dirt path that has been beaten into the Amazon by heavy walking over the years, quickly followed by his own team. Robbie and Sal exchange looks.

Robbie [Narrowing his eyes]: What the fuck are you waiting for?

Sal: Nothing.

Dave: Really?

Sal [Hysterically]: ......I HATE BUGS!

Marcos sighs, rolling his eyes.

Marcos: What can the bugs do to you, really?

Eligio: SI! Aside from poisoning, infection, filling you with eggs, feeding on your blood and sweat--

Sal pales violently, his legs shaking somewhat.

Brick: Damn, he shaking like a redneck at a Gay Pride parade!

Bob: Don't fancy your chances of survival.

Robbie chuckles, shaking his head and turning around, facing South and snapping his heels together, pointing forward.

Robbie [Calling out]: ONWARDS!

Robbie marches forward, heading south into the shadows of the towering trees and foliage as Sal stands there, shaking. Maurice walks up to Sal, leaning in.

Maurice: Lad, there's bugs that feed on yeh eyes.

Maurice chuckles lowly, walking off as Sal collapses backwards, fainting.

Marcos [Sighing]: Dammit.

Jon: Well..I'm not carrying him.

Johan leans down, slinging Sal over his shoulder as Billy turns around, heading East and marching forward onto a designated gravel path.


To the West, Phil and his team are busy walking down the dirt path, clutching their AKS-74U assault rifles tightly in their hands as they glance around, carefully examining their surroundings. The thick trees that loom over them help amplify the buzzing of nearby insects and cries of various animals that echo over them, while also casting a darkness over them, creating an odd stillness. Phil stops, watching as a thick spider scuttles past him.

Phil [Shivering]: Spiders..

Bill: Just stomp on 'em.

Phil halts again, forcing the team to stop. Jericho walks beside him, watching as Phil glances downwards: A small frog, black and azure in colour, slowly sits in front of them, sitting still.

Jericho [Sighing]: Phil, what now?

Phil: Jericho, that is a blue poison dart frog.

Tim: ...Oh.

Phil [Hissing]: They secrete poison through their skin. Nasty bastards..

The frog leaps off into a thick thatch of grass as Phil continues walking, his eyes snapping around.

Jericho: Been reading books, have you?

Phil: Jerry, this place is like Australia, in that everything can kill you. Even the trees could kill you. I guess.

Tim laughs loudly, only for a tree branch to crack off, collapsing on his head and knocking him out. Johnny quickly rushes beside him, getting on one knee.

Johnny [Panicked]: FUCK! TIM! ARE YOU ALRIGHT?!


Jericho: He's right. By the way, rule number five hundred and ninety two? Partners carry knocked out partners, and don't fucking whinge doing it.

Johnny sighs, leaning down and looping Tim's right arm over his shoulders, getting to his feet with Tim and dragging him along. Bill stops, turning his head and looking up as a Scarlet Macaw, a vibrant, rainbow-coloured bird, flies overhead and disappears into a nearby tree.

Bill [Chuckling]: Well, it all seems pretty..

Phil: How's Steve doing?

Steve has remained silent for pretty much the whole trip, his eyes darting around.

Johnny: Awfully shifty.

A small silence falls over the group as they continue marching.

Phil [Quietly to himself]: Right, so we're looking for Ocelot and some posh twat. Sounds easy.

The group head forward down the dirt path, gazing around at the trees. The silence was uneasy, punctuated by the buzzing of insects, the cries of apes and the hissing of various creatures that rolled through the undergrowth. Jericho suddenly stops, pointing at a tree.

Jericho [Calling out]: PRAYING MANTIS!!!

Phil screams violently, spinning his AKS towards where Jericho is pointing and holding down the trigger, laughing maniacally as lead pounds violently into the undergrowth and tree.

Johnny: There's nothing there!

Phil suddenly stops firing, his face falling as the bullets clatter to the floor noisily. The tree in front of him spatted in bullets, almost caving it in entirely.

Jericho [Sighing]: ...It was literally a praying mantis.

Phil [Angrily]: Then why did you scream it??!?!

Jericho: Thought you'd be interested in it.


Jericho [Shrugging]: And? COME ON! CHOP CHOP!

Phil grumbles under his breath as his team continue walking up the path.

Jericho: We're lost, aren't we?

Phil: Technically, we can't be lost if we had no fucking clue what our destination was in the first place.

Bill: He's got a point.

Jericho [Sighing]: Too fucking hot..

Ivan: Since ven did you become such a crybaby?!

Jericho [Angrily]: Well, you can't tell me it's fucking cold, can you?!

Johnny: Getting damn tiresome..

Phil: For fucks sake---Should we sit down and have a fucking break, then?!

Johnny: Well, yeah.

Phil [Shrugging]: Alright, let's sit.

Phil sits down in the middle of the path. Jericho and Bill turn around, sitting near him, before Steve, Ivan and Johnny sit down, laying Tim down on the ground as he lets loose an awakening grunt, forming a circle. Each one of them pull out their water flasks, unscrewing them.

Steve: ...How we doing?

Phil [Sighing]: Look, I don't know. Lynch said to head West. We're heading west. We keep this up, we'll reach the shore, and then what? Swim til we reach Asia?!

Ivan: Ve could stay here. No power, smelly, filled with horrible creatures--


Tim [Groggily]: ...So, we just keep walking?

Jericho [Sighing]: You have a better idea, mate?

Johnny [Shrugging]: Stay here til we see a flare?

Phil: I'd love to, but have you seen the animals in this ju--STEVE! PUT THAT DOWN!

Steve has a gigantic tarantula, the size of a dinner plate, in his right hand, which he strokes with his left hand. The tarantula rears its hind legs, firing off several hairs at Johnny who recoils, coughing and choking loudly, rubbing his eyes as the tarantula scuttles off into the undergrowth.

Johnny [In pain]: WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!

Phil [Bluntly]: I fucking hate animals.

Jericho's head suddenly snaps up, and he turns his head around.

Bill: What?

Jericho: ...You guys hear that?

The group falls silent. There's an indistinct sound of mournful sobbing.

Phil [Eyes widening]: OH FUCKING HELL!!!! NOT CRYING WOLF!!!

Bill quickly grabs his AKS-47U, sweeping it up and getting to his feet.

Bill [Panicking]: I AIN'T READY TO FIGHT HER!!

Phil [Panicking]: NEITHER AM I!!!

Phil jumps to his feet and both men look at eachother, screaming in panic as Jericho swiftly gets to his feet, grabbing both their heads and slamming their skulls together, sending both men reeling backwards as Jericho storms through them.

Steve: Jerry?

Jericho: It's not Wolf.

Jericho stops suddenly as a familiar figure shimmers into appearance in front of him: Wrapped in her corset, her lace skirts tattered and billowing in the Bolivian breeze, stands Emilie, her vibrant red hair now dull and almost colourless, the same with her usually makeup-clad face and lips as she gazes ahead with a lifeless look. Bill starts screaming wildly.

Bill [Pointing at Emilie]: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?!

Phil grabs Bill by his shoulders, slapping him roughly.

Phil: CALM! [Slaps Bill] DOWN! [Slaps Bill] CALM! [Slaps Bill] DOWN! [Slaps Bill] CALM! [Slaps Bill] DOWN! [Slaps Bill] CALM! [Slaps Bill] DOWN!

Bill reels slightly, shaking his head rapidly and glaring at Phil, lunging his head forward and headbutting him roughly as Jericho turns around, glaring at them.

Jericho [Angrily]: WILL YOU TWO STOOGES STOP?!

Bill, with Phil in a headlock, slowly watches.

Ivan: Vhy is she so pale?

Steve: Emilie looks sad..

Jericho [Quietly]: Emilie?

Emilie remains mute, looking at him.

Ivan: She looks......depressed.

Jericho [Confused]: Why?

Phil: Do we really have to stick around to find out?

Jericho: Phil, the cursed abomination that haunts me looks depressed. I don't like it one bit.

Phil [Sighing]: Oi. You. Ghosty. We're on a mission. Right now. Go. Shoo.

Emilie blinks slightly, her face looking crestfallen as Jericho's eyes glass over.

Jericho [Cooing]: She looks so cute...

Bill: Is this normal?

Phil: Nothing's normal, Bill.

Bill: Yeah, but this kinda transcends 'not normal' and into 'completely and obscenely fucking weird'.

Jericho slowly walks forward, right hand extended.

Ivan: Ve should veally shoot him.

Jericho: What's wrong, Emilie?..

Emilie makes her index-finger and thumb of both her hands resemble the shape of a heart, looking at him. Phil and Ivan let out a pained groan, flinging their arms up.

Phil [Sighing]: Y'know what? Fuck you guys, i'm going to find Ocelot MYSELF!

Phil twists around, storming off to the left, throwing a set of vines aside and walking through undergrowth as Steve quickly scuttles after.

Steve [Eagerly]: I'M COMING WITH YOU, PHIL!!

Bill: ....Yeah. Me too.

Johnny: Wait, what about the rest of us?!

Ivan glares at Johnny and Tim.

Ivan: Ve stay.

Tim: But what about those three?

Ivan turns his head, watching as they disappear.

Ivan [Quietly]: They'll find their vay......they'll find their vay...

"Born Free" plays as Phil, Bill and Steve disappear from view. Emilie holds a ghostly hand to Jericho's cheek as he blinks.

When his eyes open, he suddenly finds himself in a grainy flashback. A sepia-toned mess in his mind consisting of a Victorian ballroom with several well-dressed figures in suits and ballgowns dancing formally as a piano plays in the distance. Jericho looks down, noticing that he is wearing a tuxedo with a black silk cummerbund, while ahead of him stands Emilie, albeit looking far more healthier, her skin practically glowing, clad in a ruby red dressgown and wearing a porcelain mask akin to a birds, complete with a curved beak studded with diamonds. She holds her hand out, smiling slightly.

Jericho [Bluntly]: Alright, I bet Phil's gonna say I ingested a poison dart frog or some shit.

Emilie [Quietly]: Is everything alright?

Jericho: Am I high?

Emilie: ..I'm transferring some of my memories to yours..

Jericho: WHY?!

Emilie: ...To show you I trust you. I've grown quite fond of you, Jericho, even though you are a commoner.....One might even say....I love you...

Jericho: I love you too, Emilie.

Outside the flashback, the remaining remnants of Phil's group are watching, incredibly bemused.

Johnny [Sighing]: Lynch is gonna be pissed knowing one of his men is a necrophiliac.

Tim: And here I thought Will would be the first to try that.

Ivan: .....I veally should have followed Phil.

Jericho sighs quietly, holding a hand against Emilie's cheek in the flashback.

Emilie: Don't leave me..

Jericho [Quietly]: I won't. I won't..Just don't leave me..

Emilie smiles slightly, holding his hand lightly.

Emilie: I won't.

The flashback ends as Jericho opens his eyes, Emilie's cold hand pressed against his cheek as she fades away.

Jericho: .....What the FUCK just happened?!

Johnny: You flirted with a dead woman.

Jericho collapses backwards onto the floor.

Ivan: Vell, ve ain't moving anytime soon.

Tim [Sighing]: Bet the other teams don't have it this bad..


Eleven miles to the East of them, Sal is leading his team further into the jungle. The gravel path crunches rhythmically beneath their feet as they continue their march eastwards. Sal groans loudly, tilting his head to the sky as his team keeps marching on.

Sal [Groaning]: My feet really do fucking hurt.


Sal sighs, his head flopping lifelessly as his feet trudge on.

Sal [Sighing]: Why can't we just wait and let the others find him?

Jon [Coldly]: We're not letting you be an lazy cunt just for it to be the easy way out.

Sal: But it's easier to just sit down!!

Eligio [Sighing]: Dammit, will you just keep walking?!

The group falls silent as Sal keeps trudging forward. Marcos sighs, slapping a mosquito on his neck as it lands on him.

Marcos [Darkly]: Fucking insects.

Sal: Feet hurt..Feet hurt...Feet hurt...Feet hurt...Feet hurt...


The group falls silent, grinding to a halt as Sal hangs his head.

Sal [Quietly]: Billy?

Billy [Angrily]: WHAT?!

Sal twists around, flipping him the bird.


Johan [Calmly]: We are in the middle of the jungle, surrounded by large predators and poisonous insects and frogs. If we stay still, the chances of us being attacked go up. With Vince in the group, the chances of a fatal attack have increased by ten thousand percent.

Vince whines slightly.

Vince: Why me?!

Eligio: Because you're weak, hombre. You could punch air and air would knock you the fuck out!

Sal: Well, I say we call a vote--

Billy cracks his knuckles.

Billy [Coldly]: And I say we commit mutinous insurrextion.

Sal slowly steps backwards, glaring at Billy, who pounds his chest violently.

Sal: Just because your ancestors were a bunch of drunken bastards who rebelled against everything with one point of IQ, doesn't mean you should follow their example!

Billy twists left, storming over to a towering tree and wading through a tuft of thick grass, leaning down and pulling up a huge branch that was laying on one of the gnarled roots of the tree, twisting around and stomping over to Sal. Billy slung the branch, easily as tall as Johan and about just as thick, over his shoulder, stomping towards Sal.

Sal [Gulping]: B-Billy..old pal...let's not d-do something you'll regret!

Billy [Grinning]: Oh, I won't regret this! You will, though, CAUSE IT'S GOING UP YEH ARSE!!!

Sal stumbles back, falling onto his rear as Billy looms over him.

Vince: Hey now, we really shouldn't be stopping--


Jon gives a bitter sigh, looking up at the thick canopy that covers their path and casts a dark emerald shadow across them.

Jon [Bitterly]: ....I get stuck with the whiniest fucking bitches leading my group.

Billy stops advancing on Sal, who now has his arms up pleadingly, and turns his head to Jon.

Billy: Och, Jon, I did'nae know yeh became the leader?

Jon scowls violently as Sal laughs.

Jon: Whatever..

Billy: I mean....seriously, Jon! Yeh are always whining!

Jon looks over at Billy, narrowing his eyes.

Jon: I'll fight you over it.

Vince [Rolling his eyes]: You sound just like Sasuke sometimes--


Vince [Scoffing]: Just because the rest of you are uncultured in the ways of Nippon.

Billy: One second, lads.

Billy twists around, lifting the log slightly and hoists it onto his hand like a javelin. Vince screams, running up the path.


Billy hurls the log forcefully, sending it whistling through the air. The log slams roughly into the path, skidding forward as Vince stumbles, the log slamming violently into the back of his legs, sending him flying violently across the gravel path and tumbling forward, screaming wildly.

Billy [Turning to Jon]: Before we were interrupted..........What makes yeh SMILE?!

Jon raises an eyebrow.

Jon: I want to fight, not--

Marcos: Hey, that is a good question actually.

Jon [Calmly]: .....Pizza.

Billy [Whooping]: OCH! A GOOD START!

Jon: I like drinking. I like just being able to sit back and relax. I like.....I like chat shows.

Eligio: It's like a brand new Jon!

Jon [Coldly]:  I also like seeing scum die. I love seeing random, gut-wrenching, horrifying violence.

Eligio [Underwhelmed]: Ooooooorrrrrrrrrrr not.

Marcos [Sighing]: And back to being Jon again..

Jon gives an eerie grin as Sal steps back.

Sal: Right, now you're freaking me out.

Billy [Sniggering]: Och, yeh look constipated, Jon!

Jon [Angrily]: Fuck you, Scotsman!

Sal: ....Anyone else hear that?

Sal looks over his shoulder as the group falls silent, aside from Vince's distant groans of pain. A small quiet rumbling can be heard, similar to a purr, but a lot more sinister.

Eligio: ...What the hell?

Johan [Calmly]: .....This forest is home to cougars.

Sal: You mean horny middle-aged women?

Johan [Sighing]: No. Actual cougars.

Sal: That's what I said.

Billy: Excuse him, he's a virgin.

Vince: HA!

Sal scowls over at Vince.


Sal's loud voice stirs something in the bush behind, as a titanic cougar, with slick fangs and sharp claws, leaps out, locking its jaw around his right shoulder and dragging him backwards as he screams wildly. Jon laughs wildly as Billy quickly grasps his legs.


Sal starts getting dragged backwards by the cougar as Marcos quickly leaps forward, grasping the cougar by the throat and punching it roughly in the jaw. The cougar releases its grip on Sal, but swipes at Marcos, slicing into his right forearm. Marcos groans in pain, stumbling back as Jon reaches onto his chest, only to notice he is shirtless and is merely patting muscle rather than a combat knife.

Jon [Sighing]: Fuck. Gonna have to do this like we do it in Colorado..

Jon dusts off his hands, leaping forward and wrapping his arms around the cougars neck, squeezing violently and moving behind it. The cougar claws violently towards Marcos who backs away as Sal looks up, clutching his shoulder which is bleeding profusely. Jon climbs onto the back of the cougar, locking his legs around its body and squeezing harder. Vince stumbles over, wheezing violently.

Vince: ....Awww..don't kill it....


Jon lets loose a loud war cry, squeezing harder as the cougar slowly collapses onto the floor, letting loose a quiet growl as it collapses onto the gravel path. Jon lets go of the cougar and gets to his feet, dusting off his hands and moving away from the cougar as it slowly gets to its feet, glaring at Jon. Sal whimpers, stepping backwards as Jon points at the cougar.

Jon [Sternly]: NO.

The cougar sits on its hind-legs, purring loudly and scratching behind its ear with its rear leg as the others watch in amazement.

Marcos: How the--

Billy [Eyes widening]: What on--

Jon [Calmly]: In my family, we call it the Manguel Mind Meld...

Johan: Wow.

Jon: I know--

Johan [Bluntly]: I mean as in 'Wow, that is one shit name'.

Jon [Darkly]: These cougars are my friends--

Sal [Laughing]: And people call ME crazy!

The cougar calmly walks back into the jungle and Jon sighs, walking up the path.

Jon: Let's just get going, shall we?

Sal follows Jon, laughing in disbelief.

Sal: Cheeky bastard!

The mercenaries quickly jog after Jon, heading up the gravel path. After a short walk, another growl is heard, forcing the mercenaries to halt. Sal twists around, eyes darting around the forest.

Sal: Aw, crap, not another cougar!

Eligio's ears twitch as he turns his head to the left.

Eligio [Quietly]: ...That's....not a cougar.

Marcos: That sound....sounds like....a Hummer.

Sal [Eyes widening]: ....A hummer?

The growling is heard louder, closing in on them quickly. Barely visible ahead of them, through a thick patch of undergrowth where the gravel stops, are a dim set of lights peering through the cracks.

Vince [Yelling]: HIT THE DIRT!!


Sal [Screaming]: PISS AND VINEGAR!

Sal, Billy, Johan, Marcos, Vince  and Eligio dive aside as a H2 Hummer bursts through the undergrowth with a vicious roar of the engine. A huge, black, diesel-fed monstrosity, belching out vicious fumes from the rear, the Hummer seems to be heavily modified for the jungle, it's thick tires appearing even thicker and with larger treads, with solid hubcaps and thick windows that appear to be bulletproof. Across the doors are chromed side-step bars, and the front grill and bars have also been chromed up, which glow violently within the watery sunlight. The roof itself has been sliced off, leaving it open-top and allowing a huge M134 Minigun to have been mounted in place of the boot with a large leather swivel seat placed behind the gun. The seats themselves appear to be made from fur in a jaguar pattern.

Yet, oddly enough, the Hummer wasn't the most extravagant thing. It was the man driving it: Clad in a black leather double-breasted jacket with a brown leather Sam Browne belt over it, the holster at the side of his waist filled with an old revolver, pressed tuxedo pants, and a royal blue bow tie, topping it with a salt-and-pepper thick goatee around his jaw and a thick brown Sherlock Holmes pipe in his mouth was the driver. Appearing to be in his late fourties or at least early-fifties, his hair was grey and short, his face lined with wrinkles, though retaining a youthful pudginess to its shape, while the hands on the wheel were heavily scarred and marked with boils and burns. In the passengers seat to his left sat a tired looking individual, much older than the driver, wisps of white hair on his scalp but clean shaven, wearing a traditional black tuxedo and a pair of white gloves. On the dash in front of the tired figure lay a large Elephant rifle, of a caliber high enough to make mincemeat out of absolutely anything and everything.

The driver quickly stood up, pulling out his revolver and aiming it towards Sal. His voice quickly indicated that he was English, a silver-spooned Southern English accent, immaculately delivered in Queens English, suggesting he was from the Oxford area.


Sal and Vince quickly thrust their arms into the air.


Billy [Calmly]: Alrigh', who the hell are YEH?!

Figure: Me? I am the most feared mercenary in South America, didn't you know? I AM WINSTOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNN TENPENNNNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sal: Oh, it's the guy we were supposed to find!

Jeeves [Tiredly]: Sir, these were the men whom Ocelot said we were to find and pick up.

Tenpenny takes a puff from his pipe, blowing smoke from his nostrils as he glares at them before grinning brightly.

Tenpenny [Cheerfully]: COMRADES!

Eligio: What the hell have we got ourselves into?

Tenpenny: Bloody good to see you all! Let us cut some walking down to size and take a ride in the jeep? CAREFUL! I just got the seats laid with jaguar pelt!

Sal: ...This guy is alright.

Sal, Billy, Vince and Johan cram into the back, while Marcos climbs onto the side-step bar of the passengers door, with Eligio climbing onto the other on the drivers door, grasping the door tightly. Jon climbs into the back, sitting in the swivel chair behind the Minigun.

Jeeves: Sir, one of them is manning the gun..

Jon [Calmly]: I'm not going to shoot it. Yet.

Tenpenny [Cheerfully]: Are we hung on tight?! The jungle is awful rough!

Eligio: Drive away!

Tenpenny slams his foot on the pedal, the engine roaring as he shoots forward across a dirt path ahead of him.


Heading North, Lynch's team are making slow progress. Without a dirt or gravel path, Fabien is forced to take point with his machete, hacking low-hanging vines away from their path. The thick, dry grass is easily brushed aside as the team heads through it, but the thicker patches of undergrowth cause difficulty as they wade through them. Karab steps out of a thick bundle of undergrowth, walking ahead before stopping and looking down at his right leg, which a tiny yellow frog is sitting on.

Karab [Whimpering]: ....GUYS?!

Lynch stops, turning around. Dean steps out from the undergrowth, squatting down and looking at the frog.

Dean: Awwww! Ain't he cute?

Lynch [Sighing]: Don't touch it, it's poisonous.

Will [Coyly]: Like Frank's odour--

Lynch: ---And it can cause paralysis and death.

Will [Grinning]: JUST like Frank's odour!

Frank growls, glaring at Will as Dean uses the barrel of his gun to gently ease the frog off Karab's leg, only for it to leap onto the barrel, looking up at Dean and croaking quietly.

Dean [Whimpering]: ....Little help?

Fabien [Sighing]: Ve do not have time for zis!

The frog leaps forward, landing on Dean's ironsights.

Dean [Squeaking]: IT'S GETTING CLOSER!!

Samuel sighs, emerging from the undergrowth and using the barrel of his gun to gently push the frog off of the gun. The frog leaps off, landing in the undergrowth behind them as Fabien sighs, turning back around and hacking through a thick tuft of gnarled branches blocking the way ahead. The team moves forward, only for Karab to stop, buckling slightly and looking down at his right leg: A large Komodo Dragon has crawled up onto its shin, tongue flicking out to sense the air. The weight of the Komodo Dragon has forced Karab into an almost squatting position as the Dragon remains there.

Karab: .......Uh oh.

Lynch sighs, turning around and looking at Karab's leg.

Lynch [Bitterly]: It's a fucking Komodo Dragon.


Lynch: Be glad it isn't clawing you. All it usually eats is dead or dying animals.

Will: ....Uh oh.

Lynch [Sighing darkly]: What now?

Will: Dead or dying animals? That's the stench that Frank gives off.


Fabien finishes hacking through the branches, turning around and watching as the dragon scuttles off of Karab's leg, the sudden release of weight forcing Karab into a sitting position on a large tuft of dead leaves. The Dragon charges forward, using its thick scaled tail to sweep Frank's legs out from under him as he screams, the Dragon clawing up onto his chest.

Will [Laughing]: TOLD YOU!

Frank [Lashing out]: SAVE ME! SAVE ME!

Lynch sighs, leaning down and wrapping his arms around the Komodo dragon, uneasily lifting up the bulky, scaled lizard and turning around, setting it down. The dragon quickly scuttles away into a thicket as Lynch holds down his hand.

Lynch [Sighing]: Get up, pussy.

Frank takes Lynch's arm as Lynch hoists him to his feet. Fabien turns around, heading through the passage he cleared as Lynch and his team follow.

Fabien [Calmly]: Ve need to be careful. A lot of dangerous species here. Anything can kill you.

A butterfly flutters past Karab who brushes it away as a tarantula scuttles across his feet.

Fabien [Emphasising]: ANYTHING.

Karab whimpers as Samuel looks up, listening intently to the various calls of the apes and cries of the birds from the canopy high above. A squirrel monkey leaps out of view as Samuel looks ahead, their path finally opening up, the grass seceding into dirt where the ground is at least a lot more clearer, and the trees more spaced apart. Karab passes near a tree, turning his head and watching as an iguana scales up it.

Karab: And here we are, tearing this place apart..

Samuel: Quite sad, isn't it?

Lynch [Calmly]: What are you suggesting? We stay here and kill any construction crews who visit?

Karab [Chipperly]: I like the sound of that!

Lynch: Then apply for a transfer, you bloody Indian.

Karab: Well maybe I will!

Will [Pointing up]: Hey! FOOD!

Will jogs forward, leaping up and grabbing a tree to the left of Fabien, scaling up it quickly towards a large bundle of yellow: Banana's. Will quickly grasps a nearby branch, looping his left arm over it as he begins to pry off banana's, throwing them down to the mercenaries below. Lynch takes one, pulling off the skin and taking a bite.

Lynch [Sighing thankfully]: Finally..


The group stops and turns: Nearby, a large, rodent-like creature with a short head, stubbed nose, a large, barrel-like body and short rust-coloured fur is standing, chewing on a few fallen leaves.

Samuel: A capybara. Lives near bodies of water. Must be near the Amazon itself.

Karab: .....Could it kill us?

Samuel: No. It's quite calm. You could pet it and feed it if you so wanted--

Frank immediately jogs over to the capybara, holding out his banana.

Frank [Grinning]: C'mere! it's nice to see a creature that doesn't want to kill me!

Will slides down the tree, his pockets full of bananas as he lands on the ground and turns to Lynch.

Will [Quietly, aside to Lynch]: That's a fucking rarity.

Lynch chuckles, watching as the capybara eats the banana from Frank's hand as he strokes its head and cooing. In a split second, the capybara is snatched away as a harpy eagle, a large black eagle with a distinctive white head and a steely beak, swoops down from the canopy and snatches the capybara up, leaving Frank kneeling there in shock. Will, Lynch, Dean and Karab suddenly burst out laughing.


Fabien: Can ve move out?!

Lynch [Chuckling]: You heard him, ladies! TEN-HUT!

Fabien begins to walk ahead, followed by Lynch and his team as Frank slowly gets to his feet, shaking his head and following. After a few minutes of walking, the team reach a small, circular clearing, and ahead of them lies a short tree which Fabien points out.

Fabien: Aha! Papaya tree!

Will: Is it edible?

Fabien: Vell...only one vay to find out!

Lynch [Calmly]: I'm on it.

Lynch jogs forward, leaping forward as he grasps the tree tightly, scaling up it before grasping two papaya's, pulling them roughly from the tree and throwing one to Karab who catches it, grasping another and throwing it to Fabien before dropping to the ground with a soft thud.

Lynch [Holding up the papaya]: Cheers.

Fabien: So, vat now?

Lynch [Ripping his papaya in half]: We wait here for a few minutes. If no flares go up, we continue heading North.

The group grinds to a halt as Lynch hands a chunk of papaya over to Frank who gratefully takes it, taking a bite from it as he walks under a tree, looking up and jolting back: A thick, vivid green snake, is coiled around a branch, its neck unfolding from around the branch and slowly lowering its head towards Frank.

Frank [Shocked]: HOLY SHIT!

Fabien [Sighing]: Zat is an Emerald Tree Boa. Is not dangerous.

Will: Make it into a belt!

Frank simply stands there as the large head of the snake rolls up his arm, flicking its tongue out before the body coils tighter around the branch, raising itself up and away.

Frank [Sighing thankfully]: Thank fuck, I'm beginning to hate--

A Capuchin Monkey, shrieking wildly, leaps from a tree and lands on Frank's skull. Frank screams, flailing his arms and running around in a circle as the group keeps walking forward.

Samuel [Calmly]: Capuchin's....Highly intelligent, apparently.

Dean: Well, they are attacking the weakest member of the group.

Three more Capuchins descend, landing on Frank as he screams wildly, hopping up and down as the one latched to his skull clutches a rock, slamming it against his skull.

Lynch: Awwwww, they think he's fruit.


To the West of them, unwittingly close to converging on Lynch's position, Phil, Steve and Bill are heading North-West, away from their old team. The three men remain in a tight-knit formation, with Phil taking point, looking around the forest which has began to spread out somewhat, giving them a larger field of view, as well as not having to worry about the dangers of cutting through the thick grass. Phil stops, forcing Bill and Steve to stop as he looks at a tree ahead of him, watching an iguana scuttle up it while a sloth hangs lazily from a branch high in the air.

Phil: Hey! I found Frank!

Bill walks forward, looking at the sloth and chuckling.

Bill: Nah, that sloth can probably wash itself!

High above them, several howler monkey calls roll through the canopy as Steve stands beside Phil, looking around. To his right, a large, thick tree looms over them, and Steve watches as a giant stick insect slowly crawls up it.

Steve [Shivering]: ....So many bugs.

Bill: And most of them poisonous.

Several clear-wing butterflies flutter past as the three men continue heading north, glancing around.

Phil: Smells like shit.

Bill: It's the Amazon. It's not supposed to smell like roses.

Phil stops, reaching into the pocket of his fatigues and pulling out a small compass, no larger than a penny, and looks down at it, the needle pointing North.

Phil: We're heading North. Might cross paths with them eventually.

Steve: Cool?

Bill [Sighing]: Dammit, what'll Lynch say when he realises we split up?

Phil [Shrugging]: Say we were taking initiative heading in a different direction... [Grinning] Might even get a medal for it!

Bill [Bluntly]: Might get our arms broken for it.

Phil: Well, I ain't turning around while Jerry's still talking to his dead girlfriend!

Bill sighs as Phil continues walking on.

Bill: .....All these monkeys and shit. Reminds me of a zoo.

Phil: Reminds me of the Academy.

Bill: Nah. These monkeys don't shit on the floor and pin the blame on another monkey.

Phil [Smirking]: Aye, and the snakes don't eat all the food and clog up the toilets having a shite.

The three continue on as a blue and gold Macaw flies above. Phil stands still for a moment, looking up and watching as the Macaw swoops down past them. Bill quickly aims his AKS at the bird, but Phil holds out his hand, pressing it down against the barrel and lowering it.

Phil [Calmly]: Don't.

Bill: Why?

Phil holds out his left arm away from his body as the Macaw flies by again, landing on his forearm and digging its claws roughly into his flesh. Phil carefully moves his right hand, stroking the stomach of the bird.

Steve: Awwwww!

Bill [Chuckling]: Didn't take you for the animal lover type.

Phil: ..This bird......if we find the right buyer...could be worth hundreds of dollars.

Bill: Millions of dollars?

Phil [Calmly]: No, Bill. Hundreds of dollars.


Phil sighs, looping his free arm over Steve's neck.

Phil [Bluntly]: No. Hundreds of dollars.

Steve [Winking]: ...Millions of dollars. MILLIONS OF DOLLARS!

Phil and Steve start waving their hands in the air, swaying side-to-side as they begin to rap as Bill watches on, half-amused and half-disturbed.



Phil [Rapping quickly]: Making moves! Making moves! Making million dollar moves! Got a million dollar swagger, and these thousand dollar shoes! Making moves! Making moves! Making million dollar moves! Got a million ways to get it, all we do is pick & choose! Make that move, we can't lose! We get money, act a fool! Talking honey, talking thousands! Went and spent that all on jewels!

Steve [Continuing the rap]: Talking diamonds, and we binding, and we shining on them suckas! Talking dollars, trumping Donald! They keep climbing on them suckas! Ain't nobody, ain't nobody, Can't nobody out there touch us!  

The Macaw quickly flies off.

Phil [Bluntly]: Fucking dammit.

Bill [Wearily]: ......Steve, you aren't....well, retarded?

Phil: Fucking hell, Steve, you can speak when you want to!

Steve looks around shiftily before giving a small sigh, stepping back and reaching into the side of his cargo belt into a small pouch.

Steve [Calmly]: ....It's some new medicine i've been taking. Mother gave me it.

Steve holds out a syringe, similar to one that Ivan used to control his occasional frenzied outbursts in the past. Phil takes it, glancing it up and down as Bill looks on.

Bill: Psychosuppressants?

Steve [Shrugging]: ...Just Mother gave it to me....Removes the cloudiness in my brain..

Phil: Why did you wait this long to use it?

Steve: ...Needed to use it....Not on a proper mission..Just to check..

Bill: Wonder if it's like Ivans? He hardly uses his syringe anymore. Must've repaired the damage.

Phil [Chuckling]: Well, if a guy can have an arm sewn onto his stump and have that arm magically take over his entire body, then i'm sure the minds of the Academy could craft a medicine to help reverse the effects of your brain damage.

Bill: Hotdamn. Guess you're right. Wonder if its nanomachines.

Steve: No....but it's a test...

Phil: So, they made you a guinea pig?

Bill [Chuckling]: They seem to do that to us.

Phil, Steve and Bill continue on, watching their surroundings wearily.


To the far south of them, Robbie's team is busy making their way south, having made the furthest progress of the team down their dirt path. Robbie is taking point, his face stoic and head unbowed as he continues a long march forward, even though the feet of the rest of his team seem to be dragging. Maurice slowly lifts his head, looking ahead and noticing a tree with distinct oval orange-coloured large pods.

Maurice: CACAO!!

Dave [Looking over his shoulder]: What?

Maurice [Pointing up]: Cacao pods!

Robbie [Sighing]: We keep moving.

Maurice: C'mon, moosh!

Bob [Aside, to Robbie]: Maybe we should stop for a second..

Robbie sighs darkly, stopping and turning around, glaring at his team.

Robbie [Holding up his right hand]: YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES!

Maurice quickly rushes over to the tree along with Moe. Maurice grasps the tree, wrapping his thick arms around the tree and shaking it roughly. Several of the pods detach and fall down. Moe quickly grabs one, dashing it against the tree and cracking it open, prying inside and looking at the white flesh.

Moe: Bloody hell, they get chocolate from this?

Maurice [Chuckling]: Aye, miracles of science, Moe!

Brick walks over to tree, picking up a pod and cracking it against the tree, prying open the pod and looking inside.

Brick: Dadgum, are these white chocolate pods?

Maurice [Sighing]: It's cacao pulp. Makes a nice drink, mind, if we could process it. Ain't half bad to eat.

Maurice rips open his own pod, biting into the pulp and chewing it. Brick simply digs into his, pulling out several cocoa beans and looking at them.

Brick: Dadgum, this is what they make Hersheys Kisses from?

Bob: Not that exactly, it takes a long time from the pod to the bar..

Dave holds up one of the pods, looking at it.

Robbie [Sighing]: What now, Dave?

Dave grins brightly.

Dave [Quietly]: People pay out the ass for chocolate. WE COULD--

Robbie sighs, turning around and starting to head South once more.

Dave [Taken aback]: Come on, Robbie!! You can't tell me you've never dreamed of opening up a gigantic, horrendous, soul-crushing corporation to mine chocolate with cheap slave labour!

Robbie [Angrily]: I have, but we have a fucking mission!!

Robbie begins to jog forward, followed by Dave and Bob. Maurice, Brick and Moe quickly begin to gather up various fallen pods, looking around.

Maurice: ....How the fuck we gonna carry 'em?

Each man places one or two pods in their cargo belts, sighing as they drop the rest.

Brick: Damn, we'll have to come back here!

Moe: Aye...eventually.

Brick, Moe and Maurice quickly jog off, following the others. Ahead of them, Robbie is busy brushing aside low-hanging vines and branches as Dave catches up to him.

Dave [Panting]: OI! WHAT'S WRONG?!

Robbie: We're getting close..

Dave: What is it?!

Robbie [Darkly]: I can hear something. Might be the recon position.

The team burst out through the covering of bushes.

Ahead of them, cutting from east to west, is a tarmac highway, cutting directly through the Amazon. This trans-Amazonian highway appears to be relatively slow, with only a few trucks with wooden flatbeds carting produce passing by as a Bugatti Veyron speeds past them.

The mercenaries look at the highway, dumbstruck.

Dave [Bluntly]: The fuck.

A car slowly rumbles past as the mercenaries stand there, dumbstruck at the winding highway that stands in front of them.

Moe: .......So, what now?

Robbie [Scratching his head]: Who the fuck builds a highway in the middle of the Amazon?

Bob: ...Do....Do we turn around? Or cross the road?

Dave [Sniggering]: GUYS! GUYS! GUYS! HEY GUYS!....Why did the mercenaries cross the road?

Maurice [Sighing]: .....Why did they?

Dave: No, seriously, I was asking. We should turn back.

Moe taps Dave on his lower back. Dave turns around, only for Moe to kick him roughly in the shin. Dave curses loudly, hopping around and clutching his shin.

Bob: Thank goodness for that.

Brick [Pointing across the road]: Hey, is that--

A large white shop is sat at the roadside, with distinct red, orange and green markings, as well as a large sign erected onto a metal pole outside of it: A 7-Eleven.

Dave: REST STOP!!!

Dave bounds over the road, arms waving in the air ecstatically.

Robbie [Darkly]: It's like taking care of a fucking puppy. [Cupping his hands around his mouth] OI! ANUS! DO YOU EVEN HAVE BRAZILIAN CURRENCY?!

Dave stops in the tarmac parking lot of the 7-Eleven, turning around and looking over at Robbie, grinning brightly.

Dave [Calling over]: Indeed I do!

Bob: HOW?!

Moe reaches into a rear ammo pouch of his cargo belt, pulling out a handful of Brazilian 100 reais banknotes.

Moe: What? Nobody comes prepared? We leap through time and NOBODY comes prepared?!

Bob [Scoffing]: You can't expect us to know we'll land in Brazil specifically!

Moe [Laughing]: Hey! I have Euro's, Pounds, Dollars, Yen, Real, Peso's...

Maurice: Same here, lad.

Robbie and Bob let loose a unified sigh as Brick, Maurice and Moe jog across the road. Dave himself bursts into the 7-Eleven as Robbie looks at Bob.

Bob: ............What?

Robbie: Bob.

Bob [Unnerved]: ...Yes?

Robbie: ...We haven't talked much.

Bob: And?

Robbie: .....How do you tolerate these assholes?

Bob [Shrugging]: I like 'em.

Robbie [Taken aback[: Really?

Bob: Well..yeah, they're rude, brash, ignorant, drunken, idiotic.....but I like 'em.

Robbie sighs, walking forward across the road and shaking his head.

Robbie [Mumbling]: I'm surrounded by assholes.

Brick rushes out of the store, clutching a Big Gulp and drinking it as Robbie walks through a set of sliding automatic doors where Dave is currently being served. A young Brazilian woman is set behind the counter, chewing bubblegum as Dave watches, giddily attempting to create idle banter.

Dave: Can't believe they actually finished it.

Shopkeeper [Humming]: Si..

Dave: Don't speak English, huh? Well, let me tell you somethi--

Robbie [Impatiently]: Dave, stop flirting.

Dave [Out of the corner of his mouth]: Shut up, I'm close to pulling.

Robbie [Rolling his eyes]: You're not even close.

Moe [Angrily]: There's a line here, ya bum!

Dave sighs, setting down a handful of Real and taking his change and his bag.

Dave: Thank you, mademoiselle.

Cashier: Whatever..

Dave scowls as Robbie chuckles and turns around, heading out of the automatic door and into the parking lot.

Robbie: You're fucking hopeless, Dave.

Dave [Scoffing]: I'm a red-blooded male, Robbie. Sometimes I desire--

Robbie: A kick up the fucking ass?

Dave: No. I desire some pussy!

Robbie sighs, rubbing his eyes.

Robbie [Darkly]: We have a mission to accomplish, and the last thing I need is a horny teenager at my back...

Dave: I'm not--

Robbie [Impatiently]: You fucking act like one!!

Dave and Robbie turn their heads, watching as Moe presses his face to the window, grinning brightly.

Moe: I sense a disturbance in the fooooooorrrrrrceeee....

Robbie kicks the window roughly, only for Moe to give another grin. Out of the automatic door sidles Bob, bag in right hand as he heads out into the parking lot, looking at Brick and suddenly noting something.

Bob: ...Brick.

Brick: What?

Bob: ...Where's your snake?

Brick looks around the parking lot before stopping and slapping his outer thigh.



Sal's group remain in Tenpenny's humvee as it barrels to the south-east, heading swiftly towards Robbie's group to rendezvous with them. Tenpenny is busy humming "God Save The Queen" jovially as he puffs on his pipe. Sal sighs, sitting back in his seat as Billy sits there blankly.

Billy: What the fuck is going on?

Jeeves [Sighing tiredly]:  We're going to rendezvous with your friends..

Sal: You've seen them?

Tenpenny [Chuckling loudly]: You didn't exactly arrive quietly, old bean! And all we have to do is follow the vile stench!

Jeeves: Be careful, sir. The United Nations Mercenary Academy Of The Middle East is conducting military manoeuvres in the area..

Tenpenny [Laughing boisterously]: HAHAHAHAHA!!! Is Mother still with them?!

Mercenaries [In disbelief]: You KNOW her?!

Tenpenny [Grinning]: Know her?! Dear boys, I used to date her!!!

The mercenaries jaws collapse open as the Humvee drives violently over a branch, jolting into the air and screeching violently as it skids onto a dirt path, driving South quickly.

Eligio: YOU dated MOTHER?!

Tenpenny [Nodding]: Ah, yes, was several decades ago when we were young and foolish! She was an up-and-coming soldier conducting a secret black ops mission with a classified unit! I was a young chap in the Secret Air Service! We hit it off shortly after we met on a recon mission in the Eighties, when we were scouting Big Boss and his group, Outer Heaven! She was a good laugh! [Cooing nostalgically]: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh..the memories..

Johan: ....Wow.

Vince [Eyes glittering]: That is SO cooooooooooollllllllllll!!!

Tenpenny [Sighing dramatically]: Never did tell me what the unit was. Probably why she was asked by the United Nations to create that Academy! And even Ocelot seems to respect them!

Billy: Then how come the PMC's keep trying to kill us?!

Tenpenny [Laughing]: Dear chap, they kill anyone who opposes Ocelot! The United Nations exist solely to destroy Ocelot, so it's not personal if they pop off a few shots! The contracts on the heads of each Mercenary Academy is high anyway! Any country not in the United Nations is gunning for the five major Academies in Egypt, France, England, America and Japan! The price is so high that even those countries created their own PMC's so as to attempt to claim some of the prize for themselves!

Sal: Woah....So THAT'S why Britain, France and America created Ravens Sword, Pieuvre Armament and Praying Mantis?

Tenpenny [Wrinkling his nose]: Well, dear chap, that was before Ocelot bought them up and used it to continue the eternal war of this damned planet anyway!

Billy [Narrowing his eyes]: So, why aren't YOU killing us?

Tenpenny [Sniggering]: Dear chap, I used to date Mother, and though she broke my heart and my legs, I have respect for her! BESIDES! The Academies do offer allies to Ocelots in the form of turncoats like yourselves, and they offer for good hunting!

Eligio: Charming.

Tenpenny: ANYWAY! My new friends and allies, I suspect you have plenty more questions, so ask away!

Johan: So, why are you South America's most feared mercenary?

Tenpenny: Well, my Hispanic friend, did you ever hear about the situation in Bolivia a few years back?

Johan: The riots that overthrew the government, instigated by Ocelot's forces?

Tenpenny: I was the one who fought them back and gave Bolivia it's freedom, just like Simon Bolivar, you know!

Johan: Right, so why fight for Ocelot, then?

Tenpenny: Look, chaps, in todays world of PMC's, war is quite a nasty but wide business. Anyone with a brain takes the best money where they can, especially with the PMC's hiring anyone with a rifle! I'm sure you are being paid well for YOUR efforts!

Sal: Yeah....Sort of.

Tenpenny [Chuckling]: We're all killing for money, my dear boys. Doesn't matter who our guns fire for, after all! Whether for Queen and country or Ocelot!

Jeeves [Yawning]: Sirs, we are well paid. As I assume yourselves know, killing is merely a job in todays world.

Tenpenny: Jeeves. I desire some tea.

Jeeves [Tiredly]: Coming up, sir.

Jeeves pulls open the dashboard, reaching in and pulling out a bone china cup and a sterling silver teapot, pouring a cup of tea.

Vince [Grinning]: OH MY GOD, YOU ARE SO COOL!!!

Billy slaps Vince violently around the back of his head, scowling.

Sal: And yet when I drink tea, it's being an inbred posh git..

Billy [Patting Sal's back]: Because you are, Sal....Because you are.

Sal [Spitting]: I didn't want to be admired by that hairy Wapanese fuck anyway!

Vince [Angrily]: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Sal: Alright, you're not a hairy Wapanese fuck.

Vince [Smiling]: Thank you.

Sal [Scathingly]: You're a fat, ugly, inbred hairy Wapanese fuck!

Vince leaps forward, tackling Sal straight out of the Humvee and sending them rolling up the dirt path, bouncing across as they strangle eachother. Tenpenny looks over his shoulder, quickly braking the Humvee. Jeeves hands him his teacup, not a single drop of tea spilt.

Tenpenny [Sighing contentedly]: Ah, thank you Jeeves.

Jeeves [Tiredly]: My pleasure, sir..

Tenpenny and the others watch as Vince strangles Sal roughly, dragging him to his feet and kneeing him violently in the groin. Sal squeals loudly, falling to his knees before Vince grips his woodland camouflage shirt, unbuttoning it open to reveal his hairy chest and pulling his right arm out, gripping Sal's collar and pulling him up towards his right armpit, glistening with sweat.


Vince shoves Sal's head into his armpit, laughing triumphantly as he grinds Sal's face into the hairy armpit.


Sal retches violently, his legs buckling before falling limp, his body shaking violently as Vince releases Sal who collapses backwards to the floor, his face shrivelled and green as he gasps for air.

Marcos: Damn. Looks he killed him.

Tenpenny [Eyebrows raised, smirking]: I say, is this normal?

Billy [Sighing darkly]: Tenpenny, you'll come to realise that this isn't even the weirdest thing we do..

Tenpenny looks ahead, taking a drink of tea.

Tenpenny [Taken aback]: Charming.


Nearby, Robbie's team have since turned around, heading North in the hopes of meeting up with a second team. Robbie remains taking point as Brick noisily sucks the straw of his Big Gulp.

Bob [Sighing]: Do you REALLY have to do that?

Brick [Bluntly]: Yup.

Moe: Stop being depressing, Bob.

Bob sighs again.

Moe [Angrily]: WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!

Robbie: If Bob's starting, just slap him.

Bob [In disbelief]: ME?! IT'S BRICK!!

Brick [Scoffing]: I'm just having a dadgum drink! It's you, you city-slicker and yer fancy ways, not takin' a liking to how I drink!!

Brick throws his Big Gulp aside.

Bob [Scoffing]: And now you're littering the Amazon?! THIS BEAUTIFUL PLACE?!


Bob [Screaming]: TENTACLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The group falls silent. Listening carefully, they can hear a loud cheering elsewhere in the forest.

Sal's Voice [Laughing]: HE DID IT! HE SAID HIS LINE!

Frank's Voice [Whooping]: EVERYBODY! MARK OUT! HE SAID IT!

Bill's Voice: [Chanting]: BOB! BOB! BOB! BOB! BOB!

Another cheer goes up as Robbie sighs, stopping and rubbing his eyes. Even Dave gave a small whoop.

Dave [Laughing]: Fuck, I miss that!

Robbie: Quiet.

The group falls quiet as Dave looks around.

Dave [Hesitantly]: ...What is it?!

Robbie [Calmly]: I sense danger incoming.

Bob: ...I hear it too.

Brick [Shiftily]: Aw, man, really?

Maurice: Bloody 'ell, lads.....Does anyone else hear rumbling?

The group falls silent, a violent rumbling filling the air. Robbie quickly raises his AKS, aiming down the sights.

Robbie [Quickly]: What the fuck is that? Raging Raven?


Moe: Calm down, lads!

The rumbling grows more violent, and can be pinpointed as arriving from ahead of them.

Maurice: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shite.

The thorny thicket ahead of them explodes violently as the H2 Hummer roars through it, quickly skidding to a halt barely in front of them. Winston Tenpenny sits in the drivers seat, looking over at them and grinning brightly, taking a puff of his pipe.

Tenpenny [Boisterously]: TALLY HOOOOOO, CHAPS!!!!!!!!!!!

Dave [Panicking]: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?!?

Eligio holds out his right arm, giving a peace sign and grinning brightly.

Eligio: It's us! It's one of the guys we were supposed to meet, compadre!

Bob [Breathing heavily]:  Fucking hell! Could've warned us!

Tenpenny [Laughing loudly]: But where would the fun in that have been?!?!?!

Dave [Angrily]: I JUST FUCKING SHAT MYSELF!!!!!!!!

Jeeves [Sighing tiredly]: Sir, we just got the Hummer re-upholstered..

Tenpenny [Nodding]: Of course, of course..

Jon [Sighing]: We don't have room to carry these weak wastrels. Let them walk.

Robbie [Coldly]: How about I ram my fist down your throat, pull your liver out and eat it?

Jon: I will ram my head down your throat and eat your fucking heart.

Sal [Sighing]: Biologically impossible.

Jon [Growling]: You'll be first..

Tenpenny: Nonsense! They can cram in the rear and squeeze in the back!

Vince [Laughing]: Sal loves getting it crammed in the rear.

Sal: Yeah, but you take it in the mouth, so fuck off.

The Hummer roars with laughter, aside from Tenpenny and Jeeves who remain stoic.

Jeeves [Sighing tiredly]: We DO have a mission..

Johan: Just climb in.

Dave, Robbie and Maurice squeeze into the back, while Moe is easily able to fit into a small space on the rear seat between Sal and Vince. Bob grips the rear passenger door, looking over.

Bob [Sighing]: Can I squeeze in?

Vince: Nope. Sorry, Bob, we're full-up!

Moe: Find your own seat!

Eligio: Apurate!

Tenpenny: Chaps! There should be enough room in the back if you just play nice!

Eligio [Whispering]: You clearly don't know us well, compadre.

Marcos [Chuckling]: Si, we don't play nice.

Tenpenny [Chortling]: Ahahaha! Point taken, chaps! HANG ON TIGHT! TO THE NORTH WE GO!

Bob [Hesitantly]: Hey, can't I climb in--

Tenpenny [Bluntly, yet cheerfully]: Nope. TOO LATE!

Tenpenny roars the engine into life, twisting the car around violently. Bob clings onto the passengers side door, screaming violently as Tenpenny swiftly begins to drive up the rough jungle path.

Bob [In pain]: OH GOD, STOP!

Jeeves [Tiredly]: Sir, a tree root is coming up..


Bob [Screaming]: PLEASE! NO!

The Hummer hits the root, jolting into the air and slamming onto the ground. Bob's torso slams full-force into the path with a thunderous thwack as he hangs on loosely, sobbing loudly.

Jeeves [Coyly]: Sir..I think you broke him..

Robbie: He's always like that. Don't let it stop you.


To the far North, Lynch and his team are busy marching forward. The forest has widened up, forming a junction of natural paths ahead with very little in the way of flora and fauna blockading their progress, as well as giving them an extended view ahead. Lynch throws up his arm, forcing his team to stop: Ahead of him, a swamp of mud and fallen leaves has formed thanks to the humid, tropical climate.

Lynch [Calmly]: Alright men, rifles above heads, we're going through.

Will [Scoffing]: Great, more brown for our fatigues!

Lynch [Darkly]: Shut up, or I will throw you into the goddamn swamp and use you as a plank across.

Lynch pulls his AKS 47U away from his body, raising it into the air in both hands, beginning to wade against the swamp. The air begins to thicken with the stench of faeces, dirt and wet grass as Lynch keeps moving forward, his legs slowly sinking as he does. Fabien follows swiftly behind.

Fabien [Chuckling]: Ah, ze stench of the jungle!

Lynch [Coyly]: No, that's just Frank.

Fabien: Ah, point taken.

Frank follows, as do Dean and Samuel. Karab moves forward, raising his AKS-47U above his head.

Karab: Will. Move.

Will [Shaking his head]: Nuh-uh!

Karab [Sighing]: You're such a child, do you know that?

Will [Snorting]: Says the man who is renowned for hiding.

Karab shakes his head, wading across the bog. Ahead of him, Frank, Dean and Samuel are trying to wade through the thickness of the bog, and even Lynch is struggling as he reaches the end of the swamp, throwing his AKS forward and managing to wrench his legs free from the foul-smelling mud, pulling himself back onto some semblance of drier land before rolling onto his back and sitting up, looking up and watching as Frank slows down to a snails pace, the mud up to his waist. Dean passes to his right, sniffing the air.



Samuel [Coughing]: Is something dead in this swamp?!

Lynch [Calling over]: Just what used to live under Frank's armpits!

Dean manages to wade through the swamp, throwing his rifle forward and grasping dry land, pulling himself out of the swamp and crawling forward as Will quickly darts forward, hopping across the dirt in an attempt to stop himself sinking in. Samuel edges past Frank, who is now somehow stomach-deep in the dirt, while Samuel is managing to pull upwards so he is merely knee-deep.

Frank: Uh, little help?

Samuel: Race goes to the swift, Frank

Frank [Darkly]: Why, you lousy, gutless..

Samuel keeps wrenching himself forward as Frank lunges forward, gripping Samuel's shoulder. Samuel remains still, struggling slightly as his legs start to sink.

Samuel [Angrily]: LET GO OF ME!

Frank [Desperately]: NEVER!

Lynch sighs, picking up his rifle and aiming down the iron sights, lining them up to aim right between Frank's eyes.

Lynch [Calling out]: Fraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnkkk..

Frank looks up, yelping and releasing Samuel who continues wading forward, cursing lowly.

Dean [Sighing]: The boy sure is dumb.

Fabien: ....And not housebroken, by the smell of it.

Dean laughs loudly. Samuel manages to reach the edge of the swamp, leaning down and gripping the hem of his pants, pulling roughly and yanking his right leg from the swamp, setting it down on drier ground before pulling his left leg free, moving onto dry ground as Will darts forward, stepping on Frank's head and leaping forward, continuing to hop around the swamp.

Will [Cackling]: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Frank is now shoulder-deep in the swamp as Karab wades past him, looking down at him.

Karab: Wow. What a way to die.

Frank: What?!

Karab: ...Nothing.

Karab continues wading past as Will leaps forward, landing on the edge of the swamp and flinging out his arms, shaking his hands and grinning.


Lynch gets to his feet, dusting off his hands and looking over at Frank. Will looks over his shoulder, dropping his arms by his sides and laughing.

Will: That is blasphemy...That is madness!

Lynch [Quietly]: Madness?

Will slowly turns his head, looking at Lynch.

Lynch [Angrily]: THIS! IS! SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

Lynch lunges his right leg out, kicking Will in his abdomen and sending him collapsing backwards into the swamp. Will screams loudly, sitting up and spitting out some mud as Karab wrenches himself free from the swamp with his left leg before lifting his right leg and pressing it on Will's abdomen, pushing himself forward onto the drier land. Will coughs and splutters as Frank, almost at the end of the swamp, is now up to his nose in the swamp, his arms still raised in the air with his AKS.

Dean [Taken aback]: What the fuck, Frank.

Frank [Gurgling]: bbllllllll-rrrllllll-bblblblblblbl...

Lynch [Sighing and rubbing his eyes]: Fucking hopeless..

Will screams, lashing out and wrenching himself forward, placing his legs on the edge of the swamp and scooting forward into a sitting position on dry land, choking loudly.

Samuel: We..might need some help.

Seemingly on cue, a thick anaconda slowly descends from the vines of a tree hanging above the swamp. Mr. Moneypennies.

Mr. Moneypennies: Sup, dawg?

Lynch [Blinking]: Why the fuck aren't you with Brick?

Mr. Moneypennies: Wanted to explore.

Lynch: Think you can help Frank?

Mr. Moneypennies: Dammit..

Mr. Moneypennies slowly descends his head from the vine as Frank lifts his arms up, locking his arms around Moneypennies thick body as the anaconda lifts himself back up, pulling Frank up to his shins. Frank wades forward, collapsing facefirst onto dry land and breathing heavily.

Lynch [Giving the thumbs up]: Thanks. Now fuck off back to Brick.

Mr. Moneypennies: Whatever, dawg.

Mr. Moneypennies coils tightly around the vine, his head and neck ascending upwards as Frank sits up.

Frank [Weakly]: ......Ewwwwwww..

Will [Sighing]: Great! NOW I NEED TO WASH!

Lynch: That's the least of your problems, asswipe.

A bush to the right of Lynch rustles violently. Lynch sweeps around as Frank gets to his feet, glaring at it. Fabien, Karab and Samuel quickly aim their rifles at the bush.

Frank [Unnerved]: WHO IS IT?!

The bush rustles violently again as Frank aims his AKS at it, his hands trembling violently.

Lynch [Sighing]: Frank..

The bush rustles again as Phil pops out from behind it, dusting himself free from dead flora and fauna that covers his fatigues. Frank screams loudly.


Frank turns around, sprinting away and bawling loudly as Phil steps out.

Phil: What the fuck did that asshole say?

Lynch [Bitterly]: Get a shave, you lazy fuck!

Phil [Angrily]: It's the jungle! They don't have shops for me to buy a fucking razor!

Bill and Steve emerge behind him.

Fabien: Ah, and ze cavalry emerge!

Steve: Hey guys.

The mercenaries fall silent, heads snapping towards Steve who gives a timid wave.

Steve [Quietly]: Hi..

Lynch [Narrowing his eyes]: PHIL.


Lynch [Scathingly]: I KNOW YOU.


Lynch narrows his eyes.

Lynch [Quietly]: If you're lying, I will tear your throat out and use it as a condom.

Phil: Seriously, Lynch, those homoerotic threats are getting--

Lynch's right arm shoots out, gripping Phil's throat and squeezing. Phil chokes slightly, his legs lashing out.

Lynch [Deathly quiet]: Shut up.

Phil: OKAY!

Lynch drops Phil, turning back North and marching forward, flanked by Dean, Samuel and Will. Karab rushes over, checking on Phil.

Karab: You alright?

Phil [Choking]: It's al-alright...h-h-he just likes me..

Fabien: If zat's vat he does to people he likes, i'd hate to see vat he does to people he hates!

Bill: Trust us: You don't want to.

The others quickly jog after Lynch. Lynch himself finds himself stopping before an oddity: A long, thick line of undergrowth, as if it was a hedgerow, position to head-height in front of him, and stretching from east to west as far as he could see.

Dean [Taken aback]: What the fuck.

Lynch [Rolling his eyes]: Yeah, as if this ISN'T suspicious!

Samuel: Think we've found one of our contacts?

Lynch quickly grips his rifle, cricking his neck as the others catch up.

Bill [Chuckling]: Jesus, someone's been doing gardening.

Lynch: On me.

Phil: Who else would we be on?

Lynch [Hissing]: Probably fucking drugs!

Phil shrugs as Lynch storms through the undergrowth, flanked by his team who quickly aim their assault rifles around the clearing. Lynch stares ahead, lowering his assault rifle.

In the middle of nowhere was a large two-storied wooden hut, in front of which was a tiled swimming pool, the water glittering and casting shadows that flickered and danced off of the canopy of leaves above it. Outside the pool, Tavi and Courtney were sat, clad in bikinis and laying in sun-loungers.

Will: Right, there can't be a decent explanation for this.

Tavi slowly sits up, looking at them and waving.

Tavi: Hello boys!

Phil: Well, I know we've died now.

Bill: Yeah.

Tavi [Grinning]: Awww...gone to Heaven seeing me in a bikini?

Phil: ......Sir?

Lynch [Blinking]: What?

Phil: What the FUCK do we do?!

Courtney grins, reaching into a large blue cooler to the left of her sunchair and lifting the white lid, reaching in and pulling out a bottle of Coors, shaking it slightly.

Courtney [Sweetly]: Join us...

The mercenaries remain silent and still.

Lynch: Men, don--

The other mercenaries aside from Lynch and Fabien scream loudly, barreling forward around the pool and towards the beer cooler. Bill dives on it, but Dean grabs him around his neck and throws him off, reaching into the cooler and pulling out a frosted bottle of Budweiser from the packing of ice in the cooler. Dean raises the bottle triumphantly, but Steve grabs him, pulling him towards him and stepping aside, the momentum sending Dean into the pool as Steve holds up a bottle of Coors Light, screaming loudly in happiness.

Fabien [Sighing slightly]: Vell, it is a nice break!

Lynch: I don't drink much.

Fabien [Chuckling]: I find that hard to believe!

Lynch: I drink sometimes, but I don't mindlessly charge at the nearest beer like some kind of braindead idiot. Speaking of

On cue, Frank bursts onto the scene, clutching a thick branch over his head and brandishing it like a club, letting loose a wild cry as he hurtles towards the cooler.

Fabien [Laughing in shock]: Merde!

Lynch [Sighing]: Told you.

Out of a set of beads hung in a doorframe on the ground floor of the hut, Mother slowly walks out, wearing a large black tanktop and a set of woodland camouflage pants, glaring at them. The mercenaries gulp in unison, but Frank remains swinging the branch around his head, screaming loudly.

Mother [Sternly]: ...FRANK.

Frank suddenly freezes, gulping and dropping the branch, screaming as it lands across his chest and pins him down. Mother sighs, shaking her head.

Mother: He's growing old. I wonder when he'll grow up, though.

Mother walks around the left side of the pool towards Lynch and Fabien as the other mercenaries are suddenly more polite in taking bottles and cans of beer, handing them out as Mother stands near Lynch, nodding.

Mother: Time travel tourism. A wonderful thing.

Lynch: ...Seriously?

Mother shrugs.

Mother: ...Have you heard of a theory called Plastic Time, Marcus?

Lynch: No.

Mother: Basically..In the end, all roads lead to Rome. In the end, the result is the same, no matter what. Plastic Time's laws are flexible, but one belief is that we can make changes to the status quo without the present being changed at all. This is what is happening with each change you make: Liquid Ocelot is at war with PMC's against the Patriots, and the world has sunk into global war with PMC battling PMC, and rebels repeatedly trying to take over territory. From what Eos has uncovered, it is the same in EVERY timeline. We cannot end the war. We cannot stop Ocelot's rise to power. We cannot stop the attacks. Governments fall. Academies will be built. The only change we are trying to have you make is making sure Snake remains alive.

Lynch: So..

Mother: Lynch, we cannot prevent the war, but by manipulating the status quo into our favour, by....shuffling the cards, if you will, we can win it. When you complete this mission, Snake will be technically living in this timeline in Twenty-Fourteen. That change is when we bear witness to what might change the Academy.

Lynch: How?

Mother: With Snake alive and chasing Liquid Ocelot, Ocelot may choose to launch a full-on assault against us in order to strike down one enemy and focus on another.

Lynch: And the Unit?

Mother: They have already snapped. By completing this mission, I warn you, they WILL be in active deployment. Ocelot will be using them.

Lynch: But we aren't teabagging time?

Mother [Sighing]: No, Marcus. Project Eos utilises a technique we call the Father Flow--

Lynch: Like when Father has too much to drink?

Mother slaps Lynch sharply on the cheek.

Mother [Impatiently]: We keep two wormholes open to the future, thus time remains constantly flowing. Thus, it registers your future entity as the only entity that is alive at the period, effectively combining you at the period of time into your current self, as well as keeping a register that your future self is still in existence during Twenty-Fourteen.

Lynch [Rubbing his cheek]: I see.

Mother: So, you keep your memories, and don't run the risk of walking into your doppelganger. After all, for us as an entity, time has already came and gone. For the others in your timeline? It hasn't. Therefore, you can change time for certain people.

Lynch: ......I...think I see.

Mother: Look, you want the simple version?

Lynch [Exasperated]: Please!

Mother grips Lynch by his collar, pulling him close and pressing her nose against his.

Mother: If any of you die, that will be one titanic fucking change. Time is already leaking as it is and spewing out random events, people and creatures, and the only way to repair it is to finish the course of events we started/ If one of your men die, then the future will be unable to register that person, and will violently rip itself apart under the strain. Got it?

Lynch: That...kind of comes with the territory.

Mother: Just complete your mission, alright?

Lynch: ......Could we bring Fabien with us?

Mother [Sighing darkly]: No. But you can drop him a hint as to your location. Thus, when we close the wormholes, Fabien will suddenly remember you. The same with Winston.

Lynch: Who?

Mother [Darkly]: Invite Winston to the academy and I will slice your tendons individually.

Lynch [Nodding]: But I don't even know where the fuck he is..

Mother [Sweetly]: He'll be arriving soon enough. Until then, please, have a short rest.

Lynch: ...Alright. What should I do with the others?

Mother watches as the mercenaries are simply standing around, drinking beer like a baby drinks milk from its bottle.

Mother [Bluntly]: Leave them. They've found their calling.

Bill grins, diving sideways into the pool as he drinks Budweiser. Lynch sighs, following Mother through the beads and into the cabin. Dean looks around, nodding and drinking his beer.

Dean: Damn. Look at it: Random houses in the middle of nowhere. Idiots with guns. Michael Rooker. Just like Call of Duty.

Bill glares at them from the pool as Phil winces.

Phil: Fucking hell, there goes the fourth wall again.

Karab: No, it's not: I don't see any four year old kids running around, swearing loudly, and I don't see any buck-toothed Englishmen spouting racist comments.

Dean swiftly points at Phil, who glares at him.

Phil [Scathingly]: Fuck you, I hate the English.

Dean [Taken aback]: You ARE English!

Phil: Can't stop me from hating those vile, ugly, whining, racist, xenophobic, idiotic pieces of shit.

Dean [Scoffing]: You English never fail to amaze me...

Phil: According to my passport, i'm fucking American!!!

Dean: Wait, what?

Phil sighs, reaching into a back pocket of his cargo belt and pulling out a black passport, holding it to Dean who takes it and opens it: Over nationality, Phil has hastily scribbled out "British" and put "American" crudely beneath it in black biro.

Dean [Sighing]: Phil, man, we'll get you dual nationality someday--

Phil: If I do, I'm going to get in a fucking car crash so all my blood has to be transfused with an Americans. Then I will finally have American blood.

Karab sighs, putting an arm around Phil's shoulders.

Karab [Calmly]: It's alright, Phil.....we all hate the English...we all hate the English..


Karab shakes him comfortingly, patting his back.

Karab [Soothingly]: With that beard of yours, you will always be an Indian to me..

Phil: ....Really, Karab?

Karab nods.

Karab: Indeed.

Phil [Happily]: That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me!

Dean sighs, handing Phil a bottle of Budweiser. Phil takes it, both men clinking their bottles together.

Dean [Toasting]: To your insanity.

Phil [Toasting]: Slainte.

Phil takes a drink as Dean shakes his head, walking away. Phil turns back to the pool, walking over to it and sitting on the edge of it, dipping his feet into the water and looking around as Tavi slowly sits up.

Tavi: Phiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil?

Phil: What?

Tavi: How's the missioooooooooooooooooooooooon?

Phil [Shiftily]: Why are you being nice?

Tavi [Grinning]: Just am.

Phil: I just had to cling to a bipedal nuclear-capable robot while a tanker that exploded thanks to Semtex ended up sucking in water, almost drowning me.

Tavi: Sounds fun!

Phil takes a drink of beer.

Phil: Yes, it was a fucking rollercoaster. And to top it all off....someone's explaining the mechanics of the plot.

Tavi [Sighing]: Ah, yes, the complicated mechanics of a plot when we could just be beating eachother senseless to get the same reaction..

Dean walks past with Samuel in a headlock, donkey-punching him before Bill rushes forward, clutching a steel chair for no reason and smashing it into Dean's back.

Phil [Smirking]: I do love it sometimes.

Fabien sighs, sitting cross-legged beside the pool as a bush rustles to his right and Frank emerges, still caked in mud and gazing around, eyes widened as a sloth clutches onto his right arm.

Courtney [Taken aback]: Well, i'll be. Bigfoot has shown himself.

Frank [Whimpering]: There's a sloth on my arm..

Dean: I thought that was your brother!

Frank [Angrily]: FUCK YOU!

The sloth slowly releases its arms, falling to the floor and laying there before slowly rolling onto its stomach.

Will: No, that's definitely your brother. Look, he even looks like you on the average night.

The sloth slowly inches its right arm forward, slowly dragging itself along.

Samuel: He's right, y'know.

Frank: Shut up, newbie--

Karab: He's not a newbie anymore.

Samuel [Smirking]: See? I'm more respected than you!

Will [Speaking up]: Uh, new guy, that's not a compliment. Maurice's tits are more respected than Frank.

Frank sighs, dragging himself over to the pool and flinging himself in, forcing Bill to quickly clamber out onto poolside.

Bill [Coughing]: JESUS! He's turning water into toxic waste!

Courtney [Sighing]: Great. Now we have to disinfect it before we go skinny-dipping.

Tavi [Piping up]: So! Guys! How are things?!

Samuel [Bluntly]: Boring.

Bill [Bluntly]: Hot.

Fabien [Calmly]: Tiring.

Dean [Bluntly]: Shit.

Phil [Bluntly]: VERY shit.

Steve [Bluntly]: Same old.

Tavi and Courtney slowly raise their heads to Steve, who is sitting across from them at the opposite side of the pool, laying down with his arms behind his head.

Tavi: Uhhhh...Steve?

Phil: Special medicine healing his brain.

Courtney [Chuckling]: Ah, the miracles of modern science!

Bill slowly brushes off his arms, walking towards the hut.

Bill: I gotta pee.

Fabien [Sarcastically]: Thank you for ze update!

Bill sidles forward, walking through the beads and into a large room with a wooden table to the right with eight chairs surrounding it. Mother is sat at the head of the table with Lynch to her right, slowly looking up as Bill enters and looks around: The floor is simple wooden planks, but otherwise it appears to be well built and sturdy, with a thick wooden door directly in front of him. He turns left, noticing an oven beneath a window in the middle of the wall, with a tall white refrigerator to the right and an oven to the left.

Bill: ...Where the fuck do you get the electricity from?

Mother [Sighing]: Lynch, your men are encroaching on the territory.

Lynch [Calmly]: Ignore him: You were talking about new fatigues?

Mother quickly turns her head to Lynch, pulling her seat away from the table.

Mother: Indeed. I guess you need new fatigues after being soaked in the Tanker and having to walk through the humidity of this wonderful place. As always, in our superior intelligence, we planned ahead, cherie.

Lynch: How are they?

Mother: Exactly the same.

Lynch [Sarcastically]: Wonderful.

Mother [Sternly]: As much as I would find comedy in your men running around Big Shell in nothing but boxer shorts, I'd rather not have to deal with a bunch of hypothermia-riddled babies when you return.

Bill slowly walks over to the refrigerator and pokes it hesitantly. The door slowly slides open, revealing that it is packed with meat, milk, butter, beer and chocolate: The essentials for a mercenary. Bill's eyes widen and he quickly rubs his eyes, glaring at a large roasted joint of ham on the top shelf of the refrigerator.

Bill [Quietly]: I have found El Dorado...

Mother [Sighing]: Now they'll be getting their expectations up.

Lynch: I can whip him if you want.

Mother: No. Come. I'll fetch the new fatigues. And don't complain.

Mother and Lynch walk out of the room, shutting the door behind them as Bill pulls out the joint of ham, slamming it into the table and pulling out an entire Italian baguette, ripping it open and looking around the room before looking down at his ombat knife in his belt, rusted slightly with human blood. Bill slowly looks up.

Bill: .......Well, i've done worse.

Bill unsheathes his knife, quickly carving the ham into rough slices and laying it in the bread, slamming the bread closed and lifting the sandwich up, glaring at it.

Bill [Hungrily]: COME UNTO ME!

Voice: Seriously? After you carved it with that knife?

Bill's head shoots up: Emerging from the door is none other than Father Mercenary, his eyes still baggy, his face still unshaven, and his skin turning even paler, even though he was wearing a pair of woodland camouflage cargo shorts and a black wifebeater. He slowly folds his arms as Bill blinks.

Bill: DAD!

Father: Bill. I understand there are things you have to do for survival, but this is a small hub of civilisation.

Bill [Shrugging]: I'm hungry.

Bill takes a bite from the sandwich as Father winces. Bill chuckles in satisfaction as he eats the sandwich, nodding.

Bill [Swallowing]: Can you believe this? Beer. Meat. Can it get any better?

Father [Calmly]: You make me sick.

Bill: Love you too!

In the room next door, a large pile of fatigues, the traditional black, brown and orange camouflage, are folded upon a long wooden table in the middle of the room, laid upon a long sheet of paper that is marked with the map of South America. Lynch stands there, looking at the fatigues as Mother stands behind him and to his right, arms folded.

Mother [Coldly]: I know, I know, it's not Gucci, but it'll have to do.

Lynch sighs, taking the top bundle of fatigues from the pile and unfolding the shirt, looking at it.

Lynch: I'm just sick of this entire fucking charade..

Mother: I know. It will be other soon.

Lynch [Darkly]: It better be..

Mother: Well, cherie, I can't just snap my fingers and end the war. It's going to take time.

Lynch: I know..

Mother runs her hand down Lynch's back, down the snaking silver scar that winds across both sides of his spine.

Mother: I still remember the day you got that scar of yours.

Lynch [Calmly]: We don't have to relive THAT, do we?

Mother: No.

Lynch: Thank fuck for that.

A small silence fills the room, but the room vibrates slightly as Lynch slowly raises his head.

Lynch: Do you hear that?

Mother [Sighing]: Yes..

Lynch [Bluntly]: What the fuck is going on?

Mother: You...might want to go and see it.

Lynch [Sarcastically]: Boy, oh boy, I can tell i'm going to LOVE this!

Lynch pulls on the shirt of his fatigues, twisting around and heading through the door and the beads in the front door. The mercenaries are all looking ahead, while Lynch watches across the pool at the large hedge of undergrowth. The violent rumbling is getting louder.

Dean: Oh shit! It's Godjirra!!

Samuel [Bluntly]: No.

Lynch: What the fuck is going on?!

Phil slowly stands up from the pool, shaking his feet off.

Phil: I don't know, but I gotta pee.


Phil: Well...yeah, I gotta pee.

Phil jogs past Lynch who twists around, slapping him roughly around the head as he passes by. Only Bill has his AKS-47U aimed forward at the undergrowth.

With a roar, the H2 Hummer bursts through the undergrowth with a thunderous crash, skidding to a halt roughly before the pool. Will screams loudly, diving into the pool as Winston Tenpenny cuts the engine, turning his head and looking across the pool at Lynch.

Tenpenny [Happily]:  WE HAVE ARRIVED!!!!!

The mercenaries groan loudly in response. Sal stumbles out of the back, clutching his stomach.

Sal [Quietly]: I...don't feel so good..

Bob follows him, collapsing onto all-fours.

Bob: Neither do I..

Lynch [Laughing]: MAN UP, PUSSIES! IT'S FRESH AIR!

Dave stumbles out of the back, doubling over and vomiting loudly as Winston gets out, walking around the Hummer and grinning brightly, taking a puff of his pipe.

Tenpenny [Calling over]: YOU MUST BE LYNCH!

Lynch slowly walks forward as Mother also steps out. Upon seeing Mother, Tenpenny swiftly brushes Lynch aside, his eyes brightening as he quickly walks forward.

Mother: My God, Winnie, you've gotten old.

Tenpenny [Bowing deeply and courteously before standing straight]: And you, my dear, haven't lost an ounce of charm.

Mother folds her arms, looking at him.

Mother: I seriously hope you haven't gotten soft, Winnie.

Samuel: Alright, what's going on?

Karab: ...Do you two know eachother?

Mother [Coldly]: We dated several decades ago.

The mercenaries cough and splutter.

Dean [In disbelief]: DATED?!

Mother: In the Eighties.

Tenpenny: Ah, yes. Those were the days...

Mother: So, you're working for Ocelot, cherie?

Tenpenny: Yes. Unless you want to pay me?

Mother: Not one single dollar.

Tenpenny [Grinning]: Of course, of course..

Lynch: Hold on, you guys DATED?!

Tenpenny: Is it that difficult to understand?

Jon: ....Well, yeah.

Robbie [Hissing]: Don't make an age joke. She'll kill us all.

Jon: I'm not THAT stupid, Robbie....Bill might.

Bill watches blankly, cocking his head to the side.

Billy: Well, he would if he wasn't completely and utterly braindead.

Jon [Sneering]: Poor bastard.

Mustafa and Johan climb out of the rear of the Hummer, stretching their legs and looking down at Bob, still clutching onto the rear of the Hummer, his body mangled and covered with cuts and bruises.

Mustafa: How are you?

Bob groans loudly.

Sal: At least he's still alive.

Johan [Chuckling]: Barely.

Courtney [Piping up]: We have beer, guys!

Billy quickly rushes towards the cooler.

Billy [Chanting]: BEER! BEER! BEER!

Billy grabs a bottle of Budwesier, running into the hut.

Billy [Chanting]: DINNER! DINNER! DINNER!

Frank: .......We

Robbie: Look out. Frank's about to orgasm.

Frank disappears in a cloud of dust. Courtney blinks, yelping and watching as the cooler disappears.


Courtney reaches into the waistband of her bikini, pulling out a Colt Taurus revolver and hopping off of the lounger, looking around.

Sal: If you want to find him, just follow the buzzards.

Vince [Sniffing the air]: Mm. Definitely smells like death.

Courtney growls loudly, sprinting to the right and down a dirt path into the Amazon Rainforest as the mercenaries simply stand around. Billy quickly rushes out of the hut, holding a large Italian Loaf sandwich in his arms.

Billy [Ecstatically]: FOOD!

Maurice slowly turns his head to Billy, licking his lips.

Maurice: REAL food!

Billy [Bluntly]: There's more in the hut.

Maurice lets loose a huge bellow, pounding his chest and barreling forward out of the back the Hummer and into the hut.

Mother: Oh dear. Looks like we won't have many supplies to stay any longer.

Tenpenny: So, whom are we waiting for?

Mother looks around the mercenaries, quietly counting in her head.

Mother: Jericho, Johnny, Tim and Ivan. Weird how they went off in a small group.

Steve [Quietly]:, Phil and Bill separated from them..

Mother slowly looks down at Steve.

Mother [Coldly]: I hope you have a good explanation for that.

Steve: He was talking to his dead girlfriend?

Mother slowly raises her head, sighing darkly and rubbing her eyes.

Mother: ....And yet, I'm not even shocked by it...

Eligio walks over to the pool, looking down into it.

Eligio: I think the pool needs cleaning, madre.

Tavi: Frank swam in it.

Eligio [Wincing]: ...That explains why it's glowing.

Will: I washed that soap-dodging freak!

Lynch [Piping up]: Will, you need industrial-strength bleach for the armpits alone. Soap just dissolves off of him.

Johan slowly walks into the hut, followed by Eligio and Moe. The main room of the hut is now pretty crowded, with Johan and Maurice taking up one quarter of the room by themselves. Maurice is busy constructing a huge sandwich of ham, lettuce, mayo, olives, peppers and pickles, while Johan grabs a bottle of Corona from the fridge, cracking it open with his hand.

Johan [Calmly]: So, guys.

Moe: What?

Johan: Soon we'll be at Big Shell.

Maurice: Aye.

Eligio: I cannot wait!

Moe: ...Why?


Every head in the room turns to Eligio.

Johan: Ah, crap, more cameos?

The door near Maurice bursts open as Phil steps out, clad in the brand new uniform.

Phil [Hands on hips]: INDEED, CITIZEN.

Johan: What the fuck, man?

Phil: Yeah, you have to go into the room and pick up your new skivvies. Father says so.

Phil shoves aside the beads, walking outside as Johan heads into the room. Back outside, Fabien is now laid sprawled out at poolside, eyes closed, while Will is also busy lounging on the side of the pool, eyes closed, as Vince, Jon and Brick place several items on him, including a twig, an empty bottle of beer, several leaves and an empty magazine clip.

Jon: Ready?

Vince: Ready!

Jon gets to his feet, raising his foot and stomping on Will's crotch. Will screeches, lunges up as the items fly everywhere. Jon grins, raising his arms.



Jon [Laughing]: That's me!

Will groans loudly as the long hedge of undergrowth rustles violently. Mother swiftly raises her head, watching as Jericho, Johnny, Tim  and Ivan slowly sidle into view, covered in dirt, twigs, leaves and sweat.

Sal: Look what the cat dragged in!

Jericho: Fuck off. THAT cunt ran off!

Jericho points at Phil, who grins brightly.

Phil: Not my fault you wanted to bone your dead girlfriend.

Tim [Sighing]: Got fucking lost several times. Only managed to find the place by following some gigantic rumble.

Mother [Calling over]: Quit whinin' and get something to eat!

A gunshot echoes out, followed by a scream from Frank. A minute later, Courtney reappears, dragging the cooler behind her.

Courtney [Ecstatically]: BEER FOR ALL!

Mother: Cherie, I seriously hope you didn't kill him.

Courtney: NO! Just wounded him.

Mother: Good.

Lynch: That's how i'd control him.

Ivan quickly rushes over to the cooler, reaching in and pulling out a bottle of Coors Light, cracking it open and drinking it.


Ivan gulps down the bottle, belching loudly and grinning.

Ivan: KABOOM!!!!!

Steve winces as Billy quickly rushes over to him, reaching into a pouch on Ivan's cargo belt and grabbing a syringe. Ivan cackles loudly, headbutting Billy and sending him stumbling back, turning to the forest and sprinting forward.

Lynch [Sighing]: Ah shit--SAL! NO!

Sal quickly sprints after Ivan, who twists around and stops, both men sizing eachother up.

Sal: BOO!


Ivan grabs Sal by his shoulders and headbutts him repeatedly before pushing him backwards. Sal spits out a bloody tooth, backflipping dramatically and onto his torso.


Tim: Right, I'm NOT chasing that.

Johnny: What the hell's wrong with him?

Dean: Ivan suffered brain damage after crawling through the vents of Chernobyl to make money between jobs. It starts up on a whim, usually after drinking alcohol.

Karab: Been a while since we've seen him act up.

Ivan sprints off again, only to be chased by Brick, swinging a lasso around his head.

Brick [Calling out]: GIDDYUP, DOGGY!

Ivan stops, twisting around and hissing at Brick who quickly drops the lasso.


Father's Voice [Calling down]: GOT 'IM!

A shot rings out and Ivan collapses facefirst onto the floor, snoring loudly.

Karab: Aaaaaaaaand the titan falls.

Lynch [Aside, to Mother]: You could've called for the shot sooner.

Mother [Aside, to Lynch]: What can I say? I like seeing your men get hurt.

Lynch gives a small thumbs up. From the beads, Maurice, Johan, Eligio, Moe and Billy emerge, clad in their new fatigues. Maurice is busy gnawing on his giant sandwich as the other mercenaries turn to them.

Brick: New clothes?!

Lynch: Yeah.

Johan hands Lynch what presumably remains of the fatigues. Lynch throws Fabien a set of fatigues. Fabien groans, sitting up and opening his eyes, looking up at Lynch.

Fabien: Hm?

Lynch: Suit up, mate.

Fabien: ...We're leaving now?

Lynch: Yeah.

Frank [Sighing]: Really.

Lynch: Suit up, retards.

Lynch throws Frank a set of fatigues, who looks down at them.

Frank: Same old shit?

Lynch: I could wipe dog shit on your body and it'd be a step up. Put them on.

Lynch sighs as Frank pulls off his pants and the mercenaries around him wince and step back.

Lynch [Darkly]: Frank, get inside and strip off there.

Frank waddles forward through the beads as Father Mercenary bursts out laughing. The mercenaries sidle forward, snatching up their new fatigues and shedding their old ones, slowly pulling them on.

Will: It's not Armani--

Jon: Why the FUCK would it be Armani?

Will [Sighing]: I live in hope--

Mother: You mean I haven't crushed that hope of yours yet? Shame. I know what my next task is.

Fabien chuckles, shaking his head as Sal stumbles over to the mercenaries, nose bleeding profusely and lower lip swollen.

Sal: ...Hey guys.

Lynch throws Sal a set of fatigues, which he catches, looking down at it.

Sal [Whining]: But we just arrived!

Mother: Too bad. You have a mission, not a holiday.

Sal sighs, pulling on his fatigues.

Sal: ....You know what I miss?

Dave [Bluntly]: Being normal?

Sal: Nah..I miss Dibbley.

Robbie [Chuckling]: Aye, I miss that sniping penguin too. Reckon we could get him back for Big Shell?

Lynch [Strapping up his combat vest]: Probably a negative, but there'd be no harm in asking for it.

Phil: I thought he wanted to kill you?

Sal [Shrugging]: We're cool now.

Phil [Laughing]: Yeah, after all the times he shot you, I suppose he would be.

Mother slowly steps out, watching as the mercenaries continue to pull on their fatigues.

Lynch [Quietly, aside to Mother]: ....Don't suppose you could get Mr. Dibbley back to Big Shell?

Mother [Calmly]: I'll see about it.

Lynch: It'll help boost morale. We need it.

Past them, Brick hops around, pulling his right leg into his pants.

Brick [Gritting his teeth]: DAMN! FUCKING! FANCY! PANTS!

Bob: It isn't rocket science, Brick!

Will: Too damn unfashionable..

Lynch [Bluntly]: Shut up, suit up, or you'll be wearing my balls in your fucking eyes.

Will: Oh, you ass.

Will hesitantly pulls on his fatigues as Dean zips his on, strapping up the combat vest.

Dean: So, we're moving out?

Lynch: In a few minutes.

Steve finishes strapping himself up, checking his cargo belt and ensuring several syringes remain there. Bill slaps him on the back.

Bill: Don't worry, everything will be fine.

Steve: I hope so..

Frank climbs into the back of the jeep, folding his arms as Tenpenny lights his pipe, hopping off the bonnet as Moe sits beside Frank, and Brick sits beside Moe.

Jeeves [Tiredly]: I think they're ready, sir..

Frank: Dude, you should try a coffee or something.

Jeeves [Tiredly]: Sir, the hairy ape is speaking to me..

Tenpenny [Calmly]: Ignore him. I need you sharp and ready for tea-serving duties!

Jeeves [Tiredly]: Splendid, sir..

Moe and Brick laugh at Frank as Will sits beside Frank, sighing and folding his arms. Beside the hut, Jericho is busy conversing with Emilie, who swiftly stops, her eyes brightening when she notices Phil and a now-awake and clothed Ivan emerge from behind Jericho.

Ivan: Told you he vas talking to his girlfriend!

Jericho swiftly turns around, grasping Ivan by his collar and pulling his fist back.


Phil: Wow, you've lost your charm since you found a woman.

Jericho [Aside, to Phil]: You're next, mate.

Phil: Why the fuck are you being so secretive, anyway? We already know you're being haunted, and we don't really give a fuck, so...

Jericho: It's pers--

Emilie: We are discussing plans to resurrect me.

A small silence floods over the group.

Ivan [Bluntly]: Wat.

Emilie: Bringing me back to life is simple. Reunite my skull with my bones, sacrifice a living female member of my family beside me, surrounded by the Ruby Claw, a ravens talon, a babies tooth and a wisp of white hair, while a full moon is in the sky, while chanting an incantation, and I can transfer her physical body to reconstruct mine and my spirit.

Phil [Dumbstruck]: Yeah. REAL fucking simple.

Emilie: And once I am alive, I can share the secrets of my families fortune.

Jericho: Emilie, we don't wa--


Jericho [Bluntly]: Goddammit.

Emilie: Yes.

Phil fistpumps into the air.


Steve quickly stands beside Phil, both of them fistpumping the air.

Phil and Steve [In unison]: WOO WOO WOO, YOU KNOW IT!!!

Steve: Why are we doing a Zack Ryder?

Phil: Emilie says she'll share the secrets of her family fortune if we bring her back to life.

Steve: Wait, what?!

Phil: Indeed.

Bill, Sal and Vince suddenly pop up behind Phil and Steve. Phil slowly looks over his shoulder, jolting slightly.

Phil: Fuck me, who invited Larry, Curly and Moe?

Sal [Grinning]: We heard fortune.

Jericho [Taken aback]: You already HAVE a fortune!

Sal: I know, but I didn't keep it without adding to it!

Vince: Who doesn't like making a quick and illegal dollar?

Across from them, Winston Tenpenny is watching.

Tenpenny [Calmly]: I say, those chaps are talking to a ghost!

Jeeves [Tiredly]: It's a strange world, sir..

Tenpenny: Resembles the Dejanel family! Young and fit!

Jon [Leaning up from behind the gun]: Dude, don't hit on the dead chicks.

Johan and Marcos climb into the back beside Jon, followed by Maurice who almost makes the car lunge upon its rear wheels.

Maurice: Ey up, lads.

Emilie vanishes and Jericho sighs, as Lynch and Mother emerge from the hut. Jericho, Phil, Ivan, Steve, Bill, Sal and Vince head towards the Hummer, climbing into the rear while Sal sits in the small seatwell at the foot of the rear seats.

Sal: Comfy.

Will: Retard.

Fabien and Bob climb into the back as Karab, Dean and Samuel climb into the back seat, now having to press themselves in and contort slightly. Frank shuts the right-hand rear door as Tim climbs in, sitting in the seatwell at the foot of the rear seats behind the drivers seat, shutting the door too.

Frank [Wheezing]: Alright, we're getting close now.

Will: disturbing..So many of you great unwashed..

Moe: It ain't exactly a privilege sitting near you either.

Lynch sighs, watching as Eligio climbs into the back and Fabien hangs onto the passengers side door.

Lynch: we go.

Lynch walks forward as Mother accompanies him. Lynch climbs onto the drivers side door and hangs on as Johnny climbs into the back and Billy hangs onto the rear-left door.

Courtney and Tavi [Waving]: BYE GUYS!!

Mother: Do not worry, Lynch. I will have your back along every single step of the journey.

Lynch [Sighing]: Alright, Mother..

Tenpenny [Calling out]: ARE WE ALL HANGING ON?!

Sal's Voice [Wheezing]: I can taste my spleen!

Jeeves [Tiredly]: Sir, a knee is jabbing my spine.

Dean: Screw you, limey, It's not my fault you only brought one vehicle!


With a violent roar of the engine, the Hummer shoots forward, careening through undergrowth and driving up a dirt path as Mother watches.

Mother: Please, for the love of all that is holy, PLEASE do not do anything fucking stupid.


The Hummer roars through the jungle, packed to the gills with the mercenaries. After heading a short while west from the hut, the Hummer flies over a hill, hitting the ground with a thud and jarring the mercenaries violently.

Bob [In pain]: DAMMIT!

Sal [Whining]: MY LEGS!

Vince [Whimpering]: My spine!

Tenpenny: We're there, lads!

Ahead of them, the Hummer begins to slowly drive down a small hill, towards a large clearing in the forest. Lynch looks ahead: Ahead of them, a khaki Chinook transport helicopter is sitting in the middle of the clearing, with several mercenaries filing up the lowered transport ramp and into the back, with Ocelot standing in front of it, still wearing his traditional dustcoat and Gurlukovich fatigues, and still appearing the same as he did two years ago in the Tanker.

The Hummer comes to a halt in front of Ocelot and Tenpenny steps out, holding his arms out and grinning brightly.

Tenpenny [Boisterously]: SIR! We have arrived!

Ocelot [Clapping his hands together]: Good...and you rounded the others up! Great job!

The mercenaries quickly abandon the Hummer, filing behind Lynch as he approaches Ocelot, shouldering his AKS.

Lynch: Sir, why did you want to meet us here?

Ocelot: It’s a desolate place…and I do have a fondness for the rainforest and its animals. Like mister Tarantula here!

Ocelot leans down, placing his hand palm-up on the ground and allowing a tarantula roughly the size of a small cat to slowly crawl onto his hand, rearing its legs as soon as it does.

Ocelot: Ain’t he cute?!

Phil: And ever so slightly venomous.

The tarantula leaps forward, latching onto Phil's face.


The mercenaries laugh as Phil runs around in a circle, punching himself in the face in a desperate bid to remove the tarantula.

Sal: Look at him go!

Bob: He sure can run when he wants to!

Ocelot: Is everyone here? I'm not turning back!

Lynch [Saluting]: Everyone accounted for.

Ocelot: Come! Come aboard, gentlemen! We will head off to my super secret base, and then? BIG SHELL!

Frank [Sarcastically]: Yay.

The mercenaries sidle up the ramp of the Chinook helicopter and towards the seats, crossing the belts over their body and strapping themselves in as Ocelot skips up the ramp.

Johnny: Why do we always get paid by psychos?

Sal: Who do you think would have us, eh? Not anyone sane, that's for sure!

Lynch sighs, strapping himself into his seat.

Lynch: Can we go now?

Ocelot: Yes, gentlemen..Here we go!

As the Chinook lifts off, abright red portal consumes it and the scene fades.

**COMING SOON: - Chapter III!

The mercenaries finally find themselves at Big Shell, in order to help Snake onto the next path of his journey! This time, however, our lovable idiots find themselves also having to take care of Raiden! Can the mercenaries save the day once more? Will Mr. Dibbley arrive? Who will make a cameo appearance? And will Frank ever stop being the butt of every joke? Tune in next time to see Surprise Cameos, Seagull Shit, PETA and Ukelele Breaks!

1 comment:

  1. Another chapter of continuing madness! Well done, I can't wait to see what happens next =D