Saturday, 13 April 2013

Metal Gear Mercenaries - SoI Chapter III - He's 'Armless

The scenes open where we left our protagonists: Fabien, Snake and the mercenaries emerge through the door into the lower holds of the vast tanker, onto a tiny L-shaped catwalk with a ladder leading downwards against a wall ahead and to the right of them. The catwalk is so tiny that only Fabien, Snake, Lynch, Frank, Vince, Sal, Billy and Brick can crowd onto it, with the others cramped in the coridoor behind them.

The catwalk overlooks a hold below them, which is filled with US Marines, clad in pale olive fatigues, M4's slung over their shoulders, standing at attention and in 8 rows with 7 men to each row, as well as two men, clad in similar fatigues aside from black ballistic vests and helmets, to the far right of the group. The entire hold is cavernous, with very lights on the walls high above them providing any light.

They are busy gazing at a titanic screen attached on the top-right of the wall ahead of them, which are displaying a live feed of the Marine Colonels speech. The Marine Colonel, wearing a pair of woodland camouflage fatigues with an officers hat and the sleeves of his shirt rolled up to mid-forearm, was African-American, but appeared to be more tired than battle-scarred.

Vince looks over the metal railing surrounding the catwalk and down at the Marines below, who don't even appear to be twitching as they gaze ahead at the speech.


Sal: Pretty rich coming from the brony.

Vince [Angrily]: You take that back!

Billy: Och, shut up, yeh have a tattoo of a cutie mark!

Silence. Every heads turns to Vince, who grins nervously.

Maurice: Lad, yeh have problems, like.

Vince: There are no problems. BRONY PRIDE!

Jericho walks onto the catwalk, grasping Vince by his ears and headbutting him roughly, sending him collapsing backwards onto the railing.

Jericho [Spitting]: Brony fucking Resistance!

Lynch: Can we stop the mindless violence for a second?

Moe: But it's fun!

Billy grabs Sal, turning him around and headbutting him in the mouth roughly. Sal stumbles back but runs forward, swinging his foot up and kicking Billy in his shin. Billy hops back.

Billy [Screaming]: OCH, YEH SON--

Ivan quickly wraps a hand around his mouth.

Billy: Mmmmmfffff?

Ivan: Ve don't vant to piss zem off.

Ivan points down at the US Marines, who seem unperturbed by the noise above them.

Billy [Quietly]: They look fucking stoic, man. We could take 'em!

Jon: Look at them. Pussies.

Lynch [Sighing darkly]: Jon, those men would rip your tonsils out from your ass and then bludgeon you to death with your tonsils.

Jon [Scoffing]: Do I look scared?!

A creaking sound emits from above them. The mercenaries heads snap up.

Mr. Moneypennies, who had grown so large over the course of his few appearances during the Second Saga that he could no longer be carried in Brick's pocket, is busy slithering across a ceiling beam.

Mr. Moneypennies: ...Man, smell that sheeit. All those Marines..

Sal: Briiiiiick! Your snakes hungry!

Brick looks up at his snake, taking off his trucker cap and wafting in front of his face.

Brick: Whoooweee! That's where he done got to! OI--

Jericho [Hissing]: Quietly!

Brick: ....Oi! Snake dude!

Mr. Moneypennies rolls to the right, flopping down violently to the catwalk. Sal, Bill, Brick, Billy, Vince, Jericho and Ivan scream as the gigantic anaconda falls onto them.

Mr. Moneypennies: Damn, dudes! Y'all gotta start training, y'dig?!

Lynch [Sighing bitterly]: Can't believe you cunts brought pets with you..

Robbie's head suddenly snaps to Dave, who remains straight-faced.

Robbie [Bluntly]: Dave.

Dave: Yes'm?

Robbie: The wolf.

Dave [Shrugging]: Ocelot wanted to play with her, so I gave her to him before we arrived. He said he'll give her back.

Robbie sighs darkly as the mercenaries slowly pull themselves up as Mr. Moneypennies slithers over the railing and slowly down towards a catwalk one level below there's, latching onto it before sliding quickly down onto the floor.

Brick [Sniggering]: Ain't he cute?!

Sal: He's fat, he smells and he's ugly. He's just like his owner.

Brick: ......Frank's not his owner.

Frank scowls as Lynch laughs, but Fabien clears his throat as Snake turns to face him, having just completed a Codec call to Otacon.

Snake: Otacon said he downloaded a file of the Commander's speech. Said it should last around seven minutes, maybe slightly longer. So, we have a time limit. Other than that, I need to take five pictures to prove the existence of a new Metal Gear and expose it to the world.

Fabien: Vell, let's go.

Lynch: Right, but how the fuck do we get past them?

Lynch points down at the Marines.

Fabien: A team goes above. A team goes below.

Maurice: How do we go above?

Fabien points ahead to a thin steel cable stretched taut towards an opposing catwalk, directly to the left of theirs, but straight across the room. The catwalk is long and thicker, and would have proven to be a lot better passage for the mercenaries.

Maurice [Bluntly]: I am not going across fooking that, like.

Lynch: No-one would expect you. Only the thinnest, gangliest and weakest mercenaries could cross THAT!

Lynch turns to Sal, slapping a hand on his shoulder.

Lynch [Calmly]: You're up.

Sal: ....Wait, JUST me?

Lynch: Take Robbie, Karab, Will and Bill with you.

Sal: What about Moe?

Lynch: Moe isn't thin, gangly or weak, but he can go with you. In fact...Moe?

Moe: Aye?

Lynch: Lead 'em.

Moe [Standing at attention and saluting]: You got it, boss! On me, ladies!

Moe leans up, grasping the railing and pulling himself up, his small frame and stature allowing him to easily and slowly tightrope walk across the wire. Samuel slowly climbs onto the railing, getting onto his knees and wrapping his arms around it, crawling forward. He rolls under it, his back facing the floor many feet below him as he slowly begins to inch across the wire.

Lynch [Hissing]: Careful!

Sal: Right. No. Fuck that. Fuck THAT. I am not doing that. No way. No way. NO.

Lynch [Sighing]: Sal, stop being a gigantic fucking baby.

Johan leans down, grasping Sal under his chest and legs, hoisting him up into a military press position as he screams, flailing violently. Johan quickly hurls Sal like a javelin, and the mercenaries watch in awe as Sal goes airborne, flailing his limbs in the wind as he sails across the room,

Dean [Singing]: I believe I can flyyyyyy!

Sal slams into the opposite wall and slowly slides down it onto the catwalk as Bill climbs onto the railing, carefully tightrope walking across the cable, his legs shaking slightly as he holds his arms out to balance himself.

Bill [Hissing]: Shit, hope I can remember what I used to do down on the bayou when the gaters were out..

Lynch: Pretty fucking nimble for a redneck, isn't he?

Sal: Must have abnormally thin feet, a side effect of cousins fucking.

Bill [Angrily]: I heard that!

Lynch [Hissing]: Shut up in case they hear us!

The Marines, oddly enough, seem too absorbed by the footage of the commanders speech to notice several mercenaries shimmy above them across a metal cable. Robbie and Karab begin to tightrope walk himself across the cable as Will stands there, arms folded.

Will: No.

Lynch [Sighing]: Why?

Will: I don't want handburn.

Dave: All you do is jerk off! Your palm is as rough as sandpaper, you won't even notice it!

Will shoves Dave, who grins evilly.

Dave [Cracking his knuckles]: I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!!


Silence. Every head of every Marine in the hold suddenly sweeps up to the upper-right corner of the room, glaring. Bill and Robbie remain frozen on the cable as Moe and Karab manage to inch across to Sal's catwalk.

Bill [Quietly]: Well, fuck.

Lynch and the others have managed to quickly lay or sit down, hiding from view away from the marines, who slowly turn their heads back robotically back to the screen. Bill continues walking, but slips roughly and ends up cracking either side of his leg on the cable, his groin hitting the metal violently. The mercenaries watch as Bill sits there, red faced and reflecting a look of sheer agony as he clutches his crotch, letting out a high-pitched whimper.

Jericho [Laughing quietly]: I wish we had a camera! I really do!

Bill [Choking, eyes crossing]: I...can testicles..


Bill groans loudly, gripping the wire. His right leg slips over the wire and Bill almost screams, hanging on desperately with his right hand as the mercenaries watch, trying their best not to burst out laughing.

Will [Sniggering]: Always knew he was a monkey!

Bill [Hissing]: Shit, help me!

Bills sleeve snags the metal cable, a piece of fabric having wound around it. Bill lets go inadvertantly, slowly descending towards the floor as Lynch grips the railing, watching in sheer distress as several mercenaries laugh. Across the room, the others are laughing as well.

Sal: Alright, THAT'S funny. Sure, the Marines may kill us all in excruciatingly violent ways, but THAT'S funny.

Jon: Anything that castrates him is fine by me.

Bill suddenly comes to a stop, his right sleeve half unravelled as he dangles mere inches over the head of a Marine.

Bill [Hissing]: HELP!

Bill's feet dangle precariously over the head of the Marine, who sniffs the air.

US Marine: ...Smells like a dead dog in here.

The marine next to him takes an audible sniff.

Second US Marine: Smells like cheese mixed with a Frenchmans dick.

US Marine: Seriously, Timothy? SPECIFICALLY a Frenchmans dick?

Timothy: ...Hey, that shit's legal in the Marine's now.

Bill grasps the length of fabric, slowly pulling himself up desperately, grunting hopelessly as he repeatedly wrenches himself up.

Jericho: C'mon Bill!

Bill [Sweating profusely and panting]: Shit! I haven't had this much exercise since Mother had me crucified and ordered me to escape!

Bill begins to crawl towards the wire, but Robbie suddenly stops, looking down at him and grinning darkly.

Robbie [Deathly quiet]: Oh dear. You've come across a predicament.

Bill: Don't. Jew. Fucking. Dare.

Robbie blinks.

Robbie [Taken aback]: ...Did you just use a Judaism pun?! That's Dave's schtick!

Bill quickly pulls himself up, grasping the wire with both of his hands.

Bill [Straining]: Shut up, and get moving.

Robbie slowly and uneasily walks over to Bill, slamming his foot down. Before his foot makes contact with Bill's hand, Bill wrenches himself up roughly, twisting around and grabbing Robbie's neck, choking him.


Lynch [Bellowing]: STOP IT, YOU FUCKING RETARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The entire room of Marines looks to the upper right, glaring: Lynch and the others quickly hid, but Robbie and Bill are slapfighting violently on the wire.

US Marine: .........What the fuck?


Bill headbutts Robbie violently, who stumbles backwards before carefully jogging forwards.


Robbie pulls out his SS dagger from his belt, stabbing forward as Bill jolts backwards. The US Marines watch intetly as Bill twists around, jogging across the cable and leaps onto the nearby catwalk where the others have crouched down to hide. Robbie quickly sprints after him.

Robbie [Screaming angrily]: ICH HEISSE DU, DAS GROSSE SCHEISSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Robbie leaps onto the catwalk as the US Marines exchange looks.

US Marine: What was that?

Second US Marine: Crew members?

Third US Marine: .........Shouldn't we shoot them?

Second US Marine: Leave it and let them kill eachother.

Lynch sighs, getting to his feet with the rest of the mercenaries.

Fabien: Let us not vaste time. Let us descend to ze ground floor.

After the mercenaries descend down both ladders, one below them on a first level catwalk, reaching the bottom of the hold, Fabien slowly walks to the left, towards a small table with a projector upon it which is pointed at the screen, projecting the speech of the captain. Fabien quickly falls onto his stomach, army crawling beneath it. Lynch walks forward, following suit, narrowly avoiding another US Marine who is stood just ahead and to the left of the table, clad in olive drab and a helmet, gazing robotically at the screen.

Phil: Know what that means lads?

Jericho [Rubbing his hands together]: Just like Steve McQueen!

"The Great Escape" theme tune plays as every mercenary falls to their stomach there and then, army crawling across the floor and underneath the beam of light the projector is shooting out. As Billy crawls underneath it, he lunges a foot backwards, kicking Vince in the shoulder. Vince quickly grasps his feet, leaning in and biting the heel roughly as Billy lays there, mouth and eyes wide open in agony as Lynch, watching, sighs, turning around and facing the concrete wall, butting his head quietly off of it.

Lynch [Hissing]: I swear, those assholes wouldn't know what stealth was if it ran up to them and slapped its bollocks in their faces!

Will: Did someone say 'bollocks in faces'?!

Lynch [Sighing]: Will, shut up, that wasn't a cue for you to brag.

The last mercenary, Eligio, crawls beneath the projector and scuttles up to his feet as the music cuts out. Fabien squats down, pulling a hatch between them open.

Fabien: In ve go!

Lynch: Into the hatch?

Fabien: Ve vill go beneath zem, and after a short valk, ve vill come across the captains hold vere he is making his speech!

Lynch [Sighing]: You better be right, Frenchy.

Fabien climbs down the ladder, followed by Snake, who stops halfway as Fabien who collapses onto his stomach, army crawling forward into a ventilation shaft.

Lynch [Sighing]: Really? MORE CRAWLING?!

Fabien: Oui! Good for the body!

Maurice: Like, how the fuck am I supposed to get in there?

Lynch [Impatiently]: SHUT UP AND TRY!

Unbeknownst to Lynch, several of the mercenaries have simply taken to climbing a ladder that was ensconced in the wall close to the hatch, leading to the catwalk above.

Jon [Quietly]: Like fuck i'm going down there.

Moe: Awww, afraid of closed spaces, Jon?

Jon [Snarling]: I will rip your skull off and use it as a bowl if you don't keep climbing!

Snake climbs down and crawls into the ventilation, followed by Lynch who climbs down and begins to crawl forward, following Snake and Fabien as they walk through. Maurice grasps the ladder, beginning to climb up it.

Maurice [Groaning]: I did nah sign up for exercise, like!

Lynch sighs, crawling forward. Behind him, Eligio, Johan, Mr. Moneypennies, Frank, Vince, Brick and Bob follow, but the others have simply decided to take the easier path above. At the end of the shaft, Fabien uneasily turns right, crawling forward and followed by the obscene snake of mercenaries who continue forward.

Bob [Hissing]: For fucks sake, Frank, why do you ALWAYS smell like grain alcohol?!

Vince: It seeps from his pores.

After a short crawl forward, they emerge into a small connecting room, large enough for each to stand. To the top-right of the room is another ventilation shaft opening, which Fabien quickly approaches and crawls into, followed by Snake as Lynch emerges, getting to his feet and watching what few mercenaries who bothered to follow him emerge.

Lynch [Crestfallen]: What the fuck?

Eligio: They're taking the catwalk.

Lynch [Hissing]: Those ugly fat bastards?! THEY'LL FUCKING HEAR THEM!!

Bob: Because you're screams of anguish clearly won't be heard?

Lynch grasps Bob by his collar, holding him up.

Lynch [Snarling]: One more word and I will shove my testicles down your throat and choke you to death.

Bob [Gulping]: Man, you have got some weirdly homoerotic threats, y'know that?!

Lynch [Sighing darkly]: Somebody shut him the fuck up!

Frank clamps his hand over his mouth. Bob's eyes slowly roll into the back of his head before Frank pulls his hand away as Bob coughs and retches.


Frank: Well, it has been quite lonely--

Bob doubles over, vomiting noisily onto the floor.

Lynch [Sighing]: Wonder how the other retards are doing.


On the catwalk to the upper-right of the holds, Sal is leading the calm walk ahead. Unlike the other mercenaries crawling through the vents, the other mercenaries appear to be having a half-decent time at least. Jericho is busy smoking a cuban cigar as he lights a cigar in Ivan's mouth.

Ivan: Vanks..

Jericho [Sighing happily]: Walking past Marines smoking a cigar. This is what R. Lee Erney felt like.

Sal [Calmly]: Alright, we just walk through into the next hold and wait for the signal.

Moe: What's the signal?

Phil: Something exceedingly retarded, no doubt.

The mercenaries emerge into the next hold. Far larger than the previous hold, the US Marines, in the same formation as the ones in the previous hold, are standing attention, but are gazing at two screens. For some reason, the feed switches between two projectors, situated on a table at the back of the room, and with every switch of the projector, the Marines turn in unison, following the feed like sheep.

Billy: ....What the fuck?

Sal: Right, let me get this straight: First there's about three marines guarding the upper deck when there's about a hundred standing in these holds alone, and now they haven't bothered just switching both projectors on?!

Steve: Crazy!

Robbie: Those aren't Marines. THEY'RE IMPOSTERS!

Karab: They're....something.

Sal: Dumb as shit?

Jericho: Hey, look. The assholes have surfaced!

Through the door to the right of the projectors emerge Lynch, Snake and Fabien. The vent, having apparently just gone beneath the Marines instead of into the second hold, clearly ended somewhere near the door, forcing the mercenaries to pointlessly surface. Emerging through the door, Lynch looks up the upper left towards where the mercenaries have grouped, followed by several other mercenaries. Vince grins, waving manically in the air towards the catwalk.

Sal: ...So, the vents were pointless?

Phil [Shrugging]: Told you it would be exceedingly retarded.

Lynch reaches into a pouch on his cargo belt, pulling out a sheet of A5 paper and quickly scribbling a note down using a small pen he pulls from the same pocket as the mercenaries on the catwalk to the upper left of the room watch.

Fabien: Vhy are ve doing zis?

Lynch: Merely relaying an order to the assholes above.

Lynch scrunches the piece of paper up, winding his arm and throwing it through the air. The paper hits Sal's head, who quickly catches it and unscrunches it.

Sal: Right. Keep moving, and stop on the next catwalk when we reach RAY.

Moe: We could have thought of that ourselves!

Lynch [Looking over his shoulder]: Keep going. We'll be right behind you. Find the next hatch, climb in, leave.

Fabien salutes as Vince, now standing near the projector, stands next to a small console, tapping in a few keys on it. Lynch's head snaps to him, then to the screen as the theme song for "My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic" begins to play as the opening for the show plays on the left hand screen. Lynch glares at Vince who grins brightly. On the catwalk, the mercenaries appear less than bemused.

Jericho: Right, I have a good shot from here. I can take the bastard out.

Bill lightly edges beside Jericho, aiming down his AKS-74U.

Bill: No, I got this.

Jericho: We'll both shoot him. Maximises the chance of a casualty.

Bill [Smirking]: I like your thinking, pardner.

Maurice: Ow, three of us can make it messy.

Maurice squeezes beside Bill, aiming down the iron sights of his own rifle. The Marines remain glaring ahead, the perky music slowly making them turn their heads to the left-hand screen. Lynch stomps forward, locking Vince in a headlock and dragging him backwards as Eligio quickly scuttles forward, tapping something into the console as the theme song vanishes, and is replaced by "Molotov" by Banderas. The US Marines continue watching the music video as Eligio bobs his head slightly, snapping his fingers to the drum beat.

Vince [Choking] B-boo! IT SUCKS!

Eligio reaches onto his belt, grabbing his metal-tipped bullwhip and snapping it violently at Vince with a deafening crack, causing him to scream and scuttle backwards. To their right, Fabien glances down at the ground, finding another vent hatch which he pulls open. Snake nods at him, climbing down the small ladder before falling onto his stomach, crawling into the vents and followed by Fabien. However, Brick runs forward, tapping on the console himself as "Tunak Tunak Tun" by Dalar Mehndi begins to play.

Frank: Oh sweet Jesus, no.

As the main melody of the song begins to play the entire contingent of US Marines twists around, starting to dance rhythmically to the music. Jericho hops onto the railing, pumping his arms in the air in rhythm to the music as Karab spins around, swaying his hips in time to the music.

Lynch [Bluntly]: Gag me with a fucking spoon.

Lynch watches as Eligio hops onto the table with the projector, dancing manically to the music while Vince does the Running Man, skating across the floor in front of the projector.


Every US Marine begins to do the Running Man on the spot, seemingly brainwashed by the tune. Even Eligio joins in, doing a Shimmy past the projector while Brick and Bob do the Carlton Dance past Vince as Johan watches, dumbstruck.

Johan [Calmly]: Good grief.

Lynch sighs, walking over to the hatch and grasping the ladder, looking over his shoulder as the mercenaries on the catwalk do a rendition of the Thriller dance, which is quickly cut off when Vince, having reached the console, quickly taps on the keys, as a slideshow of pictures telling the story of "My Little Dashie", a MLP fanfiction popular in the fandom for supposedly being sad, play across the screen. The US Marines gaze up, robotically breaking off their dance and turning around in unison, watching the screen.

Phil: The fuck is this?

Bill [Sarcastically, Watching]: Oh. He dreamed up a pony. Because he wanted one.

Karab: Remind you of someone?

The mercenaries on the catwalk glare critically down at Vince as some of the US Marines begin to sniffle. Billy grinds his teeth critically as the mercenaries keep watching.

Maurice [Sighing]: Oh. How cute. Now they're fighting.

Lynch sighs, rubbing his eyes.

Bill [Sighing]: And now she has to leave. How fucking sad.

Billy [Watching]: Wow..that makes me feel

Jericho [Quietly]: ...Heartbroken?

Billy's head snaps up, the sound of bagpipes playing in the background.

Bill: Alright, that's not good.

Phil: Never is when bagpipes play for no apparent fucking reason. [Looking around] ....And from no speakers.


Billy lets loose a bellowing war cry, jumping onto the railing and firing his AKS-47U repeatedly at the projector, cackling inanely as he does. The feeds both cut out as the US Marines suddenly stop, grabbing their rifles and aiming them up at Billy.

Phil: Bad move, buddy.


Phil: Alright, i'll be honest, it pissed me off too, but not that bad.


Sal [Quipping]: Because he is Scottish, and violence is the national sport.

Billy cracks his head around, glaring at Sal.


Billy points angrily at the Marines.


Phil: ........You're going to shoot them with cliches?

Billy [Enraged]: YOU'LL BE AFTER SAL, PHIL!!!!!!!!

The mercenaries on the ground floor have since taken to filing down into the hatch, climbing down the ladder as Billy rants idiotically and inanely. Lynch looks up, swiping a hand across his throat. Billy leaps down from the railing, shouldering his rifle and walking across the catwalk.

Billy [Serenely calm]: Och, follow me, yeh bleeding-heart pussies.

The mercenaries stand there, blinking in amazement.

Bill: Alright, what happened?

Jericho: ...Was it a ruse?

Moe: ...I don't even know anymore.

The mercenaries on the catwalk walk after Billy, mumbling amongst themselves as Lynch climbs down into the ventilation shafts, followed by his mercenaries. The Marines automatically holster their weapons and turn to face the black screens, the sound of the speech still audible to them.


In the vents below Hold No. 2, Snake and Fabien turn right, crawling forward as Lynch and his mercenaries follow them.

Vince [Sniggering]: That was fun!

Lynch [Tiredly]: Johan.

Johan stops, kicking his foot back and kicking Vince in his temple, causing him to yelp in pain. Eligio, behind Vince, lunges in and grabs his ankle, biting it roughly as Vince screams.

Johan: Done.

Fabien [Calling back]: Ve see two of your men!

Bob: .....Two? Who the hell could it be?

Lynch [Shrugging]: Who the fuck knows?

Lynch crawls around the corner, towards where Fabien and Snake are standing in another small room in the ventilation system. Lynch gets to his feet, looking ahead: Sitting in front of the ventilation shaft, straight across from them, is Marcos 'Stoofer' Enrigue, sitting in a leather recliner and smoking a cuban cigar as he reads a newspaper on his lap. To his right, Samuel Chevrolet, Dean's brother, is sat against the wall, busy cleaning under his nails with his KA-BAR knife

Frank: ..Marcos, Samuel, what the fuck are you doing under here?

Marcos [Looking up]: Well, boss, y'see, the thing about that is that Ocelot needed a guy to hack the doors.

Frank: And now you're under here?

Marcos: I like it here.

Lynch: Get up, Stoofer, its marching time.

Marcos [Angrily]: IT'S MARCOS ENRIGUE!!!

Lynch: Whatever. Just move.

Marcos: But i'm comfortable.

Lynch [Sighing]: Move. Please.

Marcos sighs, folding his newspaper and shoving it under his arm, getting to his feet and kicking the recliner aside, stepping aside and allowing Fabien and Snake to walk over to the ventilation shaft, crawling onto their stomachs and through it.

Samuel: ...Do I have to come?

Lynch: Yes.

Samuel sighs, getting to his feet.

Dean [Mumbling]: Lazy asshole.

Samuel: That's rich coming from you, Dean.

Dean storms over to Samuel, grabbing him by his collar and shoving him against the wall.

Dean [Hissing]: Listen here, you little SHIT! If you ever--

Marcos sighs, walking over to Dean and placing his hands under his armpits, lifting him effortlessly and pulling him away from Samuel before setting him down.

Dean [Sadly]: WHY, MARCOS?!

Marcos: Because we need to complete the mission, padre.

Dean: You can't even let me get one punch in?!

Lynch [Angrily]: No!

Dean whines.

Will [Pointing and laughing]: BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Johan slams a clubbed fist down into the top of Will's head, knocking him unconscious instantly and sending him flat to the floor.

Lynch [Sighing]: Can you assholes stop knocking eachother out?!


After a long crawl through the vent, Snake gets to his feet, looking up through a grate of long iron bars upwards. A titanic bipedal robot looms over the grating. Though barely visible due to the robot being directly on top of them, the robot appears to have more streamlined arms and a far more streamlined nose and cockpit than its bulky predecessor, REX. Listening closely, the mercenaries hear the Marine Commander, Scott Dolph, talk about the robots amphibious capabilities, able to launch an assault on any shoreline undetected.

Metal Gear RAY. A trump card for the Marines.

Snake: ...Metal Gear?! ANOTHER ONE?!

Lynch [Calmly]: Yep.

Lynch and his mercenaries emerge into the small room, lit a dull orange by the lights surrounding RAY and supported by six pillars, and get to their feet. The room, covered in grating, appears to be, in fact, the launching pad for RAY. Frank walks in, turning around: Barely visible is the top of the Marine Commander's head as he marches from left to right, giving his speech.

Frank [Quietly]: I knew the United States was developing some bad mojo.

Vince sneezes loudly, causing the Commander to stop as he quickly looks around.

Dolph: …What was that?

Sal [Hissing]: Don’t look behind you!

Dolph: I WON’T! Hang on….who the fuck said that?!

Lynch grabs Sal by his throat, throttling the life out of him.


Dolph: Hello?

Marcos: No-one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Dolph looks around uneasily.

Dolph: …Hello?

Lynch [Snidely]: Shut up, Stoofer.

The Marine Commander turns back to his Marines.

Dolph: ....Excuse me. I thought I heard something. Back on topic, President Sears forced SND proposals through...

Snake walks over to the right, towards another ventilation shaft.

Snake: What about the rest of you idiots? I need to get these photos taken.

Lynch: .....Alright. Dean, Samuel, Karab, Brick: You four stay here and guard this room. If anything goes wrong, you should be able to climb up through these bars and onto the stage.

Lynch motions to the rows of iron bars above him, which are spaced apart enough for a modest-sized human being to squeeze through.

Mr. Moneypennies: And me, dawg?

Lynch: Crush any fucker who gets in your way.

Mr. Moneypennies: Sweeeeet.

Lynch: The rest of you? On me.

Lynch, Fabien and the rest of the mercenaries crawl through the shaft, eventually emerging into a small room with a ladder on the wall to their left.


On the catwalk roughly opposite where Lynch and his group are emerging, the large contingent of mercenaries are on one knee, overlooking RAY as Snake, having emerged on the ground floor near RAY, aims his camera upwards, taking a photo of a large "MARINES" insignia painted onto the side of the sleek cockpit.

Sal [Quietly]: There it is, men...The monstrosity.

Jericho [Sniffing the air]: I know..I can smell Frank too.

Bill [Waving his hand in front of his face]: I mean, seriously, is it normal for a mans odour to be sensed before his presence?

Moe: Frank can pickle eggs just by breathing on them. It's normal.

Robbie: So, what do we do now? Sit here?

Sal [Shrugging]: Boss never gave us another order beyond walking onto the catwalk..

The mercenaries stand there, looking bored to tedium.

Steve: Cards?

Phil: Cards?

Sal: ....Cards?

Moe: ...Cards.

The mercenaries sit down in a circle as Steve reaches into the back of his utility belt, pulling out a deck of cards and shuffling them.

Across the room from them, Fabien emerges from the ladder, holding out a hand and pulling Lynch up onto a small platform, close to which is a long firemans-style pole that leads down to the ground floor. The other mercenaries climb up onto the cramped platform as Fabien slides down the pole, hitting the ground with a quiet thud. Vince looks down, standing aside as Johan climbs onto the platform.

Lynch: Vince,  you, Eligio and Bob stay here.


Lynch quickly claps his hands over Vinces mouth, growling angrily.

Lynch [Hissing]: Yes, Vince, that IS Metal Gear RAY. Now shut up, and stay here, without making a sound, you ugly brony cunt.

Vince: I can do that.

Lynch moves to descend down the pole, but Vince clicks his tongue noisily against the roof of his mouth. Lynch scales up the pole, grabbing Vince by his beard and slamming his head back roughly against the wall, knocking him out and pointing at Bob and Eligio.

Lynch [Calmly]: If he wakes up, knock him out.

Bob and Eligio stand at attention, saluting as Lynch grasps the pole, sliding roughly down it and onto the ground floor, twisting around and heading towards a large storage crate as Marcos, Fabien, Frank and Johan follow, sliding down the pole. Hitting the ground, Lynch looks to the upper-right at the catwalk.

Lynch [Narrowing his eyes]: ..I think I can see Sal's bald head glinting.

Marcos [Chuckling]: He really should invest in some hair growth shampoo.

Fabien: So, ve vait?

Lynch crouches down slightly, crouch walking towards a large shipping crate directly ahead of them, quietly walking past a Marine who was constantly falling asleep for no apparent conceivable reason, and quickly flattening their backs against it, hiding themselves from the Marines and the Commander.

Lynch [Quietly]: How's he doing?

Fabien pokes his head around the left side of the container, glancing and watching as Snake takes a photograph of RAY from its left.

Fabien: Almost done.

Snake crouch-walks behind the smaller contingent of Marines standing at attention for the Marines speech, the inherently-poor peripheral vision that plagues every enemy in Metal Gear Solid clear as Snake can simply waltz around them, and even the Commander cannot see Snake, despite facing ahead as he walks behind the Marines, taking a photograph of RAY's front.

On the catwalk, Sal leans his head up, glancing over. Two Marines, standing at the back of the small group, appear to be wearing ill-fitting fatigues, while one has a noticeable gut and ponytail: Johnny.

Sal: Looks like the Commander hasn't noticed two extra Marines.

Dave: I bet he has, he's just asking himself 'Damn, those Marines let themselves go'.

Jericho: Aye.

Dave: Probably thinking 'They should change their motto to Semper Fudge.'

The mercenaries laugh quietly amongst themselves as Jericho sets down his hand of cards in front of the five dealt cards.

Jericho: Two pair.

Bill sets his cards down.

Bill: Straight flush.

Phil looks around shiftily, setting his hand down.

Phil: .....Five Aces.

Jericho [Rolling his eyes]: I fucking swear, Phil, you're NEVER going to fool anybody.

Phil [Shiftily]: ...I don't know what you mean.

Bill [Calmly]: Phil, there will never be five aces in a pack.

Phil sighs, setting his hand down as Bill looks at his hand.

Bill [Taken aback]: What the fuck? How did you get five aces?!

Phil: I was dealt them!

Dave cranes his head, looking at Phil's hand.

Dave: That better not be a legit hand.

Phil: And if it is?

Steve: ...My bad! Mixed decks..Sorry..

Phil groans, flipping his cards into the air.

Phil [Angrily]: I CALL SHENANIGANS!!

Maurice quickly clamps a hand over Phil's face as Phil's yells are muffled. He stops suddenly, sniffing.

Phil [Muffled]: Maurice. Dude. Your hands smell of bacon.

Back on the ground floor, Snake quickly snaps the final photo, that of the front, and makes his way to the left, heading towards a PC terminal ensconced in a nearby wall and slipping the memory card out of the camera and into the designated slot, uploading the photos to Otacon.

Lynch: Done?

Snake looks over his shoulder: Lynch, Fabien, Frank, Johan, Marcos and Samuel are standing there, arms folded and watching the Commander's speech.

Snake: Yup. Your men in place?

Lynch looks to the upper right.

Lynch: Waiting for you.

Snake nods, tapping a few keys as he prepares to upload his photos to the server.


Snake finishes uploading the photographs, quickly jogging to the left and hiding behind a large shipping crate, looking over at Lynch and his men.

Snake [Quietly]: Done.

Without warning, a band, consisting of two guitarists and a drummer, suddenly appears from nowhere, directly to the left of Lynch.

Lynch [Taken aback]: What the FUCK?!

Jericho [Looking over]: .....Awww piss.

The mercenaries on the catwalk swiftly scramble to their feet, looking over at the band.

Phil: ...I'm getting deja vu.

The band starts playing "I Will Walk Five Hundred Miles" by The Pretenders.

Bill: Yep, definitely deja vu!


Lynch: Oh. Fuck. Me.

Sal: Jimmies status?

Lynch [Bitterly]: Rustled. Rustled to hell, dammit.


Every single marine rifle points at Lynch and his group of mercenaries, who quickly raise their hands.

Fabien: Vell, merde.

Frank: We're boned.

The band suddenly dissipates into a blue portal as the Marines keep their rifles trained on them.

Fabien: .......Vell, how unexpected.


A slow, hollow clap starts to echo around the hold. The mercenaries on the catwalk look down, while the Marine Commander turns around. Revolver Ocelot slowly emerges from behind Metal Gear RAY, giving a slow and sarcastic clap as the Marines quickly twist around, aiming their rifles at Ocelot.

Ocelot [Calmly]: Excellent speech, my friend..

Dolph: Who the--

Ocelot: Gift of the silver tongue. They say it's a mark of a good officer..

Ocelot emerges fully in front of Metal Gear RAY, twisting around to face Scott Dolph on the stage.

Ocelot [Coldly]: ...And of a liar. Americans are too in love with the sound of their own voice to speak the truth!

Dolph: Identify yourself!

Several Marines rush forward, jamming their assault rifles towards Ocelot who simply gives a smirk before looking to the sky.

Ocelot: I am Shalasashka...Also known as Revolver....Ocelot.

The Marines move forward, but Dolph throws up his arm, halting their advance. Johnny and Tim in disguise, purposefully hang back as Lynch and his mercenaries sidestep carefully around a platform holding one of the cameramen and towards the rear of the hold, facing the Marines directly.

Fabien [Quietly]: Vat now?

Lynch [Calmly]: Wait until he gives the word..

Dolph: What do you want?

Ocelot [Gazing up at RAY]: This machine will be quite useful..

Ocelot paces around slightly.

Dolph [Chuckling]: What are you planning to do--steal this thing?!

Ocelot [Calmly]: Steal? No, no....I'm taking it back.

Lynch: NOW!

With Ocelot's word, the mercenaries on the catwalk quickly vault over the railing, hitting the ground with heavy crashes as they surround the group of Marines, AKS rifles raised as they quickly form a wall around them.

Maurice: Don't move, lads!

Moe aims his Desert Eagle upwards.

Moe: Yeah! One false move and your asses get it!

From below, Ocelot looks down, watching as Dean, Samuel and Karab emerge, getting on one knee and aiming their rifles down at the Marines, forming a wall of bodies between Ocelot and the Marines. Brick grasps the railing, the sounds of him struggling filling the air.

Brick [Straining]: Dadgummit....gotta lay off the jerky!

Ocelot keeps his eyes on Scott Dolph as Vince and Bob descend from their platform, quickly rushing over and reinforcing the other mercenaries, aiming their AKS rifles at the Marine Commander.

Bob: Got him in our sights, sir.

Ocelot nods as Brick finally pulls himself up, laying down and panting heavily as Mister Moneypennies slithers upwards, raising his head slightly and staring down the MArines who move back slightly. From behind the commander, the leader of the Gurlukovich Mercenaries, Sergei, grasps the Commander, holding a Makarov pistol to his temple and holding him hostage.

Bill: DON'T MOVE!!!

Jericho [Calmly]: I don't think they could.

Lynch: Nowhere to go, soldiers.

Two Marines quickly step back towards the mercenaries, aiming their M4 Assault Rifles at the other Marines. Ocelot snaps his head towards them, watching as Lynch nods at them.

Johnny: I think we just blew our cover.

Tim [Sighing]: Great job.

Lynch: Does it matter? We ALL blew our cover! About fucking time you bastards made yourselves known.

Ocelot [Smirking]: Planning ahead? Good job, Marcus..

Tim [Shuddering]: I feel so dirty..

Brick: Aye, that'll be Frank's stank.

Frank [Taken aback]: I don't have stank! YOU have stank! I have a manly odour!

Will: Your "manly odour" burns the nostrils!

Frank [Angrily]: SO DOES YOUR FACE!

Will: That makes no sense!

Ocelot [Sighing]: Please shut up, or your pay will be reduced.

Lynch angrily swipes a hand across his throat, halting the mindless bickering of Frank and Will. Ocelot reaches into the inside pocket of his dustcoat, pulling out a handheld device that appears to be a trigger as Sergei takes a few steps back with Dolph. Ocelot raises the device high above his head.

Ocelot: This ship now carries enough SEMTEX on its key structural points to blow it out of the water--at the touch of this button!

A few of the Marines standing at the front of the group step back somewhat, appearing shaken. Several mercenaries step backwards too.

Billy [Bluntly]: Well, fuck. He WAS serious about blowing this ship tae hell.

Ocelot: That's has to die needlessly.......Or do they?

Vince: No!

Ocelot: Yes!

Vince: Not!

Lynch scowls at Vince as several of Gurlukovich's mercenaries rappel down onto the stage, surrounding Ocelot and aiming at the Marines and Marine Commander, with several more taking up positions on the catwalks above.

Ocelot: Time to steal this thing.

Phil: Isn't that Maurice's job? Being a Geordie and all.

Maurice: Aye, well, if it were your job Phil, being a Smoggy an' all, yeh'd just wait for someone to hand it out to you!

Phil [Nodding]: Well played, Wor Maur. Well played.

Maurice and Phil fist bump as several Gurlukovich mercenaries quickly scuttle around RAY, undoing the metal cables that hold RAY in position.

Dolph [Scoffing]: What do you intend to with RAY -- Sell it on the streets?!

Sergei [Spitting]: I was raised in Snezhinsk, formerly known as Chelyabinsk-Seventy, the nuclear research outpost.

Dolph: What are you talking about?

Sergei: After the Cold War ended, my home was bought out by the Americans!

Dolph: there a point to this sad story?

Sergei growls angrily, pressing the barrel of the Makarov harder against the Commander's head.

Sergei [Angrily]: Not that you would understand! Land, friends, dignity, all sold to the highest bidder--the United States of America! Even the technology that gave birth to these weapons is Russian, developed by US!

Dolph: ..What do you intend to do?

Sergei [Calmly]: Russia will rise again....and RAY is the key.

Ocelot: I regret to inform you that I have no intention of selling Metal Gear. As I said, I came to take it back.

Ocelot slowly paces towards the right leg of RAY before spinning around on his heels.

Ocelot: Yes, returned...[Smirking triumphantly]...TO THE PATRIOTS!

The entire room falls silent as several of the Gurlukovich Mercenaries look uneasy, as do the Marines.

Lynch: Aw, son of a bitch.

Jericho: ......Uhhhh.....We're still getting paid, right?

Ocelot [Not looking over]: Yeah, sure.

The mercenaries jam their rifles forward towards the Marines. Lynch motions towards the Gurlukovich Mercenaries, and Billy, Maurice, Johnny, Tim, Dave and Robbie aim their rifles upwards at them.

Dolph: The La-Li-Lu-Le-Lo! How's that possible?

Sergei snarls slightly, restraining the Marine Commander tighter.

Sergei [Angrily]: Ocelot, you--! Have you sold us out?!

Ocelot: I was never in your employ, Gurlukovich...

Sergei [Snarling]: Are you still in league with Solidus?!

Ocelot [Calmly]: No hard feelings, Colonel. Mother Russia can rot for all I care.

Ivan: Oh, you mudak!

Sergei [Angrily]: SINCE WHEN, OCELOT?! When did you turn?!

Ocelot [With a tinge of joyous malice]: I'm glad you noticed, comrade...I abandoned her during the Cold War.

Sergei snarls loudly.

Ocelot: Metal Gear only has room for one! Gurlukovich, you and your daughter will die here!


Gurlukovich shoves Dolph towards Ocelot, but Ocelot quickly throws off his jacket, quickly drawing his revolver. From out of nowhere, Lupa the white wolf bounds forward from the left-hand door behind the mercenaries, hurtling straight for Dolph.

Lynch [Slow motion]: Whaaaaattttt thhhheeeee ffuuuuucccckkkk??

Johnny [Slow motion]: Ooooooooo...puuuuuurrrrrrrttttyyyyyy..

Dave [Slow motion, pumping his arms ecstatically]: LUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

Lupa the wolf leaps forward, biting Sergei violently on the crotch. Sergei squeals violently, allowing Ocelot to fire several shots with his revolver.

Dolph lets out a dying cry as he collapses forward onto the floor violently. Sergei collapses onto his knees, leaning upwards.

Sergei [Choking]: TRAITOROUS DOG!!

Sergei collapses backwards as Ocelot holds out his hand, dropping his revolver.

Ocelot: Good job.

Dave [Grinning]: Thanks, boss.

Ocelot: I was talking to the wolf.

The Gurlukovich mercenaries sweep their rifles towards Ocelot, but the mercenaries quickly open fire.


The Gurlukovich Mercenaries surrounding Ocelot are cut down in a hail of AKS fire and revolver fire from Ocelot, each man collapsing and dying in a split second.

Ocelot: ....Thanks. But the Semtex still goes boom.

Frank:: Oh, you ass.

Ocelot: Show's over! If you want to live, I suggest you run now! I hope you can swim! Because now? BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!

Ocelot presses the trigger as explosions roll through the Tanker. The mercenaries stumble around slightly, watching Ocelot in disbelief as a bomb rips violently through the hull, causing cascades of water to flood into the hold, knocking down several Marines. The water quickly reaches knee height as Lynch points forward.


The mercenaries wade forward as Frank sobs loudly.



Will twists around, quickly dashing and wading towards Frank, grabbing him by his collar and dunking him underwater, reaching into the back of his cargo belt and pulling out a bar of soap, rubbing it all over Frank.



Ocelot, now on the catwalk above them, slowly walks forward, heading towards the cockpit as Lynch latches tightly onto the right leg of RAY, locking his legs around it. Sal leaps up, latching on below Lynch as Billy, Brick, Dave, Samuel and Dean latch onto the left leg, clutching tightly. On top of RAY's sleek, bowed cockpit, Phil, Steve, Jericho, Ivan and Bill emerge, laying down and hanging on for dear life.

Snake [Calling up to Ocelot]: OCELOT!!

Several Marines begin firing towards Ocelot, but the shots completely miss their mark. Mr. Moneypennies quickly slithers up the right arm of RAY, coiling onto it as Moe leaps up, grasping the snake's tail and pulling himself up with it, latching onto the right arm tightly as Maurice appears onto the left arm, hugging it tightly.


Ocelot looks down at Snake, clutching his right arm as he screams in pain, convulsing. The momentary distraction allows Robbie, Karab, Vince and Bob to jog across the catwalk, leaping into the cockpit of RAY and latching on for dear life as Jon, Johnny and Tim move behind RAY, grasping a mechanical tail hanging behind it and clutching onto it tightly.

Lynch: FABIEN!!

Fabien wades forward desperately, looking around before grinning.


Fabien takes a deep breath, diving beneath the water and swimming towards the door of one of the holds, disappearing through the open door.

Lynch [Calling out]: FABIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Ocelot, having ripped off his right sleeve to reveal a green, almost decaying arm, pulsing with veins and surgically attached to his body, has his voice noticeably changed to a somewhat English brogue. An English brogue that sounds exactly like Liquid Snake's. Solid Snake's deceased brother whom the mercenaries had witnessed dying at Shadow Moses.

Snake [Taken aback]: ...Liquid?

Liquid/Ocelot [Laughing]: Not so young anymore, eh, Snake?! You're drowning in time! I know what it's like, brother!

Johan, Eligio and Marcos quickly latch onto the tail of RAY, with Eligio grasping the back of Marcos tightly.

Eligio: Do not let go, cabron!!

Marcos [Straining]: Wasn't..planning..on it!!

Will wades forward as Frank grasps tightly onto him, trying to strangle him.

Liquid/Ocelot: No wonder Naomi passed you over for the FOXDIE program..

Liquid/Ocelot begins to convulse again as he clutches his right arm. Liquid cries out as Ocelot's voice momentarily surfaces.


Ocelot bites his wrist roughly before his head snaps up: Liquid's voice still pours from his voicebox.

Liquid/Ocelot: The price of physical prodigy! Few more years and you'll be another dead clone of the old man! Our raw materials are vintage, brother! Big Boss was in his late fifties when they created his copies! But I! I LIVE ON THROUGH THIS ARM!

Lynch [Bluntly]: That is the stupidest fucking thing I have ever heard.

Sal: I concur.

Billy: Aye.

Snake is knocked into the water by a wayward explosion, forcing the mercenaries to clutch tighter to RAY as the cockpit finally floats open, allowing Liquid/Ocelot to leap inside and take his seat. Liquid/Ocelot looks around, activating several controls before stopping, looking over his shoulder: Will and Frank are sat nearby, with Lupa panting heavily in front of them, while Robbie, Karab, Bob and Vince are sat opposite Frank and Will, waving slightly

Frank [Soaked]: .....hey.

Liquid/ocelot: If I had the time, i'd kill you all.

Will: Well, you don't, so [Clapping his hands] CHOP CHOP!

Liquid activates RAY as Snake surfaces, gasping for air.

Liquid [Laughing]: You don't have what it takes after all, Snake!

RAY jolts slightly. Phil and Steve roll to the right, gripping RAY's right arm while Jericho, Ivan and Bill roll to the left, gripping the left arm tightly as RAY leaps up, smashing violently into the ceiling. The desire to live clearly remains strong, as the strong jolt and crash fails to displace any mercenary.


Several Marines on a nearby catwalk open fire at RAY, while two Marines fire RPG's towards it.


The mercenaries brace themselves as the explosions fail to move RAY, which lifts its right leg, causing Sal and Lynch to scream as the leg smashes into the catwalk, breaking it and killing several Marines as Sal and Lynch scuttle up the leg, remaining clutched tightly to it.

Mr. Moneypennies: SHEEEEEIT!! I DON'T WANNA DIE!!

Moe [Desperately]: DON'T LET GO!!

Ocelot/Liquid [Angrily]: WHAT ARE YOU ASSHOLES DOING?!


Brick: YEAH!!

Ocelot: For fucks sake—Fine, but you guys better not fall off, because I’m not turning back!

Metal Gear RAY quickly bursts upwards as the mercenaries hold their breath, cracking through the severely weakened hull of the Tanker and bursting upwards before straddling two halves of the broken hull. Another groan and scream is heard as Ocelot looks around the cockpit, looking over his shoulder.

Ocelot [Normal voice]: ...Damned Liquid..

RAY leaps several hundred feet into the air, the mercenaries still holding on.


Billy [Laughing manically]: I CAN SEE ME HOUSE FROM HERE!!


Jericho [Screaming]: SAVE ME, MITHRAS! SAVE ME!

RAY lands back down on the tanker with a crash.

Ocelot [Calling out]: I have a man named Winston Tenpenny in the Amazon. Crazy English bastard, but you should meet him when possible. You will know the sign when to meet him!

Lynch: What?!

Ocelot: Never mind. You will know when I desire your services again!

Vince: So, we're still your mercenaries!

Ocelot: ....Well, you survived.

The mercenaries let loose a loud cheer, which quickly turns into a scream as RAY dives backwards, heading for the Hudson River. As RAY dives, however, a large red swirling portal consumes the mercenaries...

The mercenaries have survived their baptism, but now their mission requires an objective they never knew they had to complete: Rendezvous with Ocelot in the Amazon, as well as his contact, Winston Tenpenny! With time on their side, and with all men accounted for, and with Frank finally having washed, surely nothing can stop them as they prepare to help guide Raiden through Big Shell?! Tune in next time, and bear witness to Winston Tenpenny, Plastic Time, Millions Of Dollars, Giant Tarantula's and Love for the Undead!

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