Chapter X - On The Road Again

The scene opens to where we left our mercenaries: Staring down dozens of missiles pouring from a Hind-D, while Snake rappels down the side of Communication Tower A. Our mercenaries can only watch as the missiles get closer.

Lynch: This is going to actually sting a little bit.

Phil: You think?

Mr. Dibbley: Just slightly, chaps.

The platform is now illuminated as the missiles screech closer.

Dean: Well, it was good while it lasted

Robbie: Not really..

Karab: Well, I guess this is the end..

Maurice: Aye, I suppose..

SIlence.

Moe: It can't be, can i---

The missiles start hitting the platform

Sal: Son of a fucking whore.

The platform is engulfed in bright yellow and red explosions as the mercenaries scream..

A bright white light flashes.

Lynch opens his eyes.

Harp music and an angelic choir is heard, and he can see clouds. It feels like he’s swimming.

Lynch: Ah fucking shit. I’m dead.

Phil swims past Lynch

Phil: We’re not dead.

Sal: Really?

Sal breaststrokes past them, followed by Maurice

Maurice: Eeeeeeeeeeee have you seen it up here, lads? So much for our Atheist viewers!

Dean: Where's Karab?

Karabs Echoing Voice: ENJOYING POON!

Phil: Lucky bastard, I wanted to go to Valhalla. And where's Robbie?

Robbies Echoing Voice : Down here, guys! I tell you, it's a bit warm down here!

Dean: Hang in there, Robbie!

Jericho swims past them, holding a glass of Jack on the Rocks

Jericho: Who knew Heaven has a bar?!

Vince: I thought Christians forbid alcohol?

Phil: Say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!

Silence.

Jericho: So thats why Jesus turned water into wine-SHUT YOUR MOUTH, VINCE! I HAVE THE COLD, LIQUID FIREWATER EVIDENCE!

Phil: Can I have some?

Jericho: GET YOUR OWN!

Maurice: Come to think of it, where's little Moe?

Moes Voice: Purgatory!

Maurice: Damn! You alright little lad?

Moes Voice: Yeah...it's just quiet..

Karabs Voice: HUSH! I'm enjoying my Paradise!

Bill: So where's Dibbers gone?

Mr. Dibbleys Voice : PENGUIN HEAVEN!

Brick pats around his uniform

Mr. Moneypennies Voice Hey, bitches! I'm up here chillin' with my homies in the Rattlesssssssssssssssnake Kruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!

Brick: Get 'er done, little dude.

Mr. Moneypennies Voice: Fo shizzle!!

The figure of Saint Peter, wearing a flowing silver robe, with a long white beard, white hair and carrying a parchment scroll, slowly walks amongst them.

Billy: Holy Michael! It's Saint Peter!

Maurice: Ow do, Petey? Ee, he looks just like I expected him to!

Saint Peter: Well, We do reflect what you expect us to be..For example, Elvis came up here several years back and saw Jesus as a deep-fried peanut butter and banana sandwich, and me as a large mug of buttered coffee! Can you believe anything so ludicrous?

Phil: So, Pete, where's cloud Mercenary?

They all look at eachother and grin. Saint Peter laughs and shakes his head.

Saint Peter: Sorry guys..But it looks like you lot aren't really dead, just severely unconscious

Dave: I knew that.

Silence. Everyone looks at Dave.

That Other Random Guy: Whatchu talking about Dave?

Sal, Phil, Lynch: Why?

Dave: I FEEL PAIN!!

The light flashes again

They all open their eyes. Lynch looks around. All the mercenaries, aside from Bob, Will and Frank, are laying spreadeagled in various positions across the snow-laden concrete. Lynch rolls onto his stomach and hit’s the side of his head off a metal pole used to secure the railing to the small platform, which itself is under the looming presence of Communication Tower A

Lynch: owwwwwwwwwWWWW…HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!

Lynch opens his eyes and stares down into a deep abyss, where nothing but black and flecks of white snow loom ahead of him. He quickly scrambles backwards and rolls onto his back, looking up at the black sky covered thick with fluffy grey clouds.
Zack De La Rocha is standing above them, accompanied by Tom Morello, Brad Wilks, and Timmy C.

De La Rocha: ‘Sup guys? Thought you could use some help..

Silence. Lynch leans his head up.

Lynch: Uh…Hi?

Wilks: Hi.

Lynch: You realize we left three others in the Tower, right?

Wilks: Yeah, we took care of that

The mercenaries moan

That Other Random Guy: Whyyyyy?!

De La Rocha: Don’t you want to know how we saved you?

Dean: Why’d you save Frank?!

Sal: Yeah! He fucking stinks and his breath melts the snow!

De La Rocha: Well, I was having fun watching the Christmas Number One race..We beat some X Factor winner whose balls are the size of ball-bearings. Anyway, we were all having a good New Years party, getting the hard liquor flowing at the Lamb and Flag, and all of a sudden, there was this bright blue zap, and we all wanted to throttle you with handmade rope. But it turns out, we came just as the missiles struck!

Jericho: And that’s good because?

De La Rocha shakes his hair, ruffling pieces of debris from his thick curly afro

De La Rocha: You guys are so shit, my fucking hair saved you!!

Silence.

Dave: Mother of fucking sodomy!

Morello: YOU ARE WELCOME!

Phil: Thanks, guys..I knew that afro would save us one day!

De La Rocha: So..you guys almost done here? Dicks gone into liquidation

Brick: Oh man! You mean Dicks shutting down?!?!

De La Rocha: No, I mean he’s turning into a drunk. He keeps talking to people who aren’t there!

Morello: So………why ARE you guys here?

Mercenaries: Stopping nuclear war.

Morello: Ahhhhhhhhhhh…..So, fun?

Silence. The mercenaries stare up at Morello

Morello: What? Honest question…

Billy: Yeah, nothings more goddamn fun than getting blown off a tower, getting shot at, beaten, and having the fate of the world on our shoulders..

Timmy C: Hang on, you guys are saving the world?!?!?!

Billy: Yeah, why?

Wilk: Okay, we’re screwed.

Lynch: FUCK YOU!

De La Rocha: We weren’t the ones who missed Christmas!

That Other Random Guy: And who was there to miss it?

Silence.

Morello: Well, No-one. We sat around drinking hard liquor and forgetting about things we like to forget

Jericho: YOU BASTARDS! YOU BETTER HAVE SAVED US PRESENTS!!!!!!!!

Morello: Maybe we have…Maybe we haven’t….Or maybe you cunts should hurry up and SAVE THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM?!?!

Silence.

Dean: Well, maybe.

De La Rocha: Cause Snake fucking rapelled down the side of the tower while being shot at by a Hind D. Did you morons do that? NO! YOU GOT KNOCKED OUT!

Dave: Well, I’m sure when you face several missiles head-on, you’ll keep conscious too..

Morello: So?

Karab: So? SO?! We faced several missiles of screaming hell death fire head-on!

Silence.

Phil: Screaming Hell Death Fire missiles?

Wilks: Look, are you assholes going to do your job or not?

Vince: Mommy, I don’t wanna!

Silence.

Sal: What he said, but less retarded

Morello: Looks like we’re going back

A blue haze starts to surround the members of Rage Against The Machine

Timmy C: Oooo..tingly!

De La Rocha: Anywayguysweblewthedoortoobecarefulcausetheressomethinghornywait--

They disappear in a hiss of blue smoke

Silence.

Phil: Did he say something?

Sal: Uh yeah..something about a--

That Other Random Guy: A door?

They slowly get to their feet and look at the Level 6 door. A large scorch mark is embedded into the concrete and steel, making the door illegible. The electric control parameters themselves have been demolished, meaning the door will open to anyone, regardless of passkey

Mr. Dibbley: Didn’t he say the word horny?

Robbie: Why would he?

Billy: Good point!

Bill: Ermmm…Ok…what’s our plan?

Silence.

Lynch: You mean I was supposed to make a plan?

Sal: I thought we were just being random!

Karab pulls out a plate and takes a bite out of it, before smashing it over Deans head. Dean winces.

Dean: Thanks for the example, Karab..Now hold still while I fucking beat you.

Karab screams and Dean throws down his gun, chasing Karab around the platform outside the security door

Mr. Dibbley: Well..the Snowfield is just down there. Should we jump and save time, chaps?

Phil: Hmm..Save time or broken limbs?…Hmmm..

Billy: We’ll get both anyway!

That Other Random Guy: Yeah, it’d be much easier!

Silence. Lynch’s right eye twitches and he puffs out his chest. Patriotic music starts playing.

Lynch: EASY?! EASY?!?!?! WHY I’VE NEVER TAKEN AN EASY JOB IN MY LIFE!!! MEN!! OUR JOB IS TO LOOK OVER SNAKE AND PROTECT HIM, SO HE CAN SAVE OUR SOULS!! NOW, MARCH!!!

Lynch turns around and slides the door open. Laughing Octopus’s grinning face appears and she hisses at him.

Lynch: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Phil: WRONG DOOR! CLOSE IT! CLOSE IT! IT JUST GOES BACK!

Lynch slams the door shut, but Octopus sticks out her arm, stopping it. She claws her hands towards Lynch

Octopus’s Voice: LAUGH WITH ME!!

Phil, Billy, Brick and Maurice quickly grab the door, trying to shut it tighter. Octopus cackles loudly

Octopus: ISN’T IT JUST FUCKING HYSTERICAL?!?!?!?!?!

Maurice: PROPER NAH!!!

Lynch slides the door open quickly

Lynch: I see Bobs wang!

Octopus turns around, confused, and Lynch slams the door shut. She starts slamming on the door

Octopus: ISN’T IT FUNNY!?!?

Lynch: Not anymore, who’s willing to stay and keep the door shut?!

Silence. Everyone shakes their head

Lynch: KINGSTON! STOP SHAKING YOUR HEAD! IT’S TIME YOU PULL YOUR FUCKING WEIGHT!

Jericho: I’ll pass.

Lynch: THAT’S AN ORDER!!!!!

Jericho: Well I’ve got news for you, Lynch, I have a wife to think about!

Phil: You have a wife?

Jericho: For the purpose of this argument?…..Yes

Robbie: I have a plan.

Silence.

Lynch: Ok, newbie..Whats YOUR plan?

Robbie: A BULLET TO THE HEAD!

Robbie draws his pistol and walks foerward, but Bill and Vince grab his arms and pull him back

Vince: NO! No killing our….friends?

Octopus’s Voice: IT’S SO FUCKING HYSTERICAL!!!!!!!

Bill: We need to do SOMETHING!

Silence.

Lynch: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB?!?!?!?!?

Silence.

Octopus’s Voice: ISN’T IT FUNNY?!?!

Bobs Voice: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat????……….

Lynch: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Silence. The sound of crawling and Octopus kicking something

Bob: Ow!

Octopus : Babe…wait… LAUGH WITH ME!!!!!

Moe: Hold on, I have just the thing..

Lynch: What?

Moe: Anyone have any lube?

Silence.

Bill: I refuse to distract Octopus with a gay sex orgy.

Vince: You’re sick for thinking of it!

Mr. Dibbley: What could you ever want lubricant for?

Moe: To distract a bitch!!

Mercenaries: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

Silence.

Dean: Wills in there. We ain’t getting any lubricant.

That Other Random Guy: FUCK! What else does she like?

Phil: Blood!

Vince: Virgins blood!

Silence.

Vince: Or so I heard

He looks at Bill, who slaps him

Bill: I was making a joke!

Phil: Jericho, you got an empty hipflask?

Jericho parts his trench coat and pulls out a small, plain, silver hipflask

Jericho: Wh--

Phil snatches it from his grasp

Phil: Ok……Who’s bleeding?

Silence. Lynch and Billy turn around and punch Phil in the face.

Phil: FUCKING JESUS FUCKER FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He stumbles back. Billy snatches the hipflask and holds it under Phils nose, which is busted open and leaking blood

Billy: Wet your whistle?

Billy hands the half-full hipflask to Lynch, who quickly opens the door and tosses it in without its cap, the blood spraying everywhere. Octopus stops clawing at the door and giggles like a schoolgirl

Octopus: Bloooooooooooooooooooooddddd..

Lynch: You got issues, woman!

Lynch slams the door shut and points across the yawning catwalk ahead of them

Lynch: Fucking bail.

The mercenaries scream wildly and charge through the icy winds across the catwalk. After reaching the end, they skid across the icy concrete and turn right, running further ahead. They hear Octopus cackling loudly, but reach the end of this catwalk and turn right to a large concrete room. Dave quickly pulls out his pistol and fires several shots at the door. A few hit the metal, but a few hit the doors sensors, causing it to hiss and slide open. The mercenaries pour through the Level 6 Security Door and into the small, L-shaped coridoor, the walls radiating a tinge of blue. They turn to the right and run forward.

Lynch: Dave, blow it!!

Silence.

Dave: You dirty dirty man!!

Lynch: SHOOT THE FUCKING LOCK!

As they run towards the door, it shoots open and Snake stands before them, staring in bewilderment.

Snake: hey..guys…No need to shoot the lock…I’ve got the key card..

Dena: Oh, gee, thanks for leaving the door open!

Snake stares at him

Snake: How are you guys alive?

Phil: Saved by an afro!

Silence. Mr. Dibbley slaps Phil around the head

Lynch: Yeah..cause what could be MORE RIDICOLOUS THAN MERCENARIES BEING SAVED BY A FUCKING HAIRSTYLE?!?!?

Snake stands back slightly

Snake: O…K?

Moe: Disregard that, Lynch is a patriot. Apparently.

Lynch: Yeah, SNAKE, do you have the Stars and Stripes tattooed on your cock?!?!?!

Silence. Lynch turns to them.

Lynch: YEAH! I SAID IT! I TATTOOED MY DICK TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THE AMERICAN FLAG!

Phil: Probably because the Bald Eagle was too bi--

Lynch: Finish that sentence, Nolastname, and I will kick you so hard up your ass you’ll be snorting leather til Easter!

Snake watches, bored

Snake: Look, I don’t know why you guys are here, the motherfucking stairs are gone at the bottom
Silence.

Jericho: What do you mean, “Gone”?

Dean pops his head around the corner and looks down hthe right corner at the sloping concrete, he looks down at the beginning of a set of metal-plated stairs and points

Dean: Look! There they are!

Maurice: Ya silly sausage! You lost them, and we found them!

Snake: At the bottom you fucking dolt! They’ve been blown away!

Dave: Sick!

Silence.

Snake: Look, the elevators gone as well, so--

Silence. Sound of the elevator doors hissing open, followed by footsteps onto the metal grating.

Snake: Be right back

Snake pulls his SOCOM from his hip-holster and turns around, walking down the coridoor. He gets on one knee and presses his back to the metal railing

Snake: GET A LOAD OF THIS, YOU FUCK!

Otacon : Don't shoot!! It's me! Don't shoot! It's me, Snake!!

Otacon quickly flicks the button on his shoulder, appearing in front of him and waving his arms manically. Snake turns his head to the mercenaries

Snake: Coasts clear, it’s just the fuckmook

Otacon: Hey!

The mercenaries shoulder their weapons and start to walk across the metal grating in the green-tinted room

Snake: Otacon? How'd you get here anyway?

Otacon: It wasn't as dramatic as your entrance, believe me. I'm afraid of heights.

Snake: You were watching?

Otacon: Yeah, I was watching. I was riding in the back of their truck... thanks to the stealth camouflage.

Snake: Pervert

Sal: Touche

Otacon: How is it perverted to watch a man go down--

Moe: Woah! Stop right there, gaymo!

Otacon: A TOWER!!

Jericho: Yeah yeah, a flesh tower?

Otacon: NOW YOU’RE PUTTING WORDS IN MY MOUTH!!

Jericho: Not the only thing you want for me to put in your mouth, eh?

Snake: QUIET!…Otacon, How did you get up here?

Otacon: The elevator, of course.

Snake turns his head to the elevator, raising an eyebrow

Snake: The 1st floor of the circular staircase was destroyed--

Otacon: That's why I took the elevator...

Dean: Duh.

Snake: You mean the elevator was working?

Otacon: Yeah, that's right…

The sound of chopper blades fill the air. Snake walks over to the railing and looks over the edge into the dark abyss.

Lynch: Damn Hinds probably circling this place..

Otacon: You're incredible... like a movie hero or something!

Karab: Gay.

Otacon: THAT’S NOT GAY!

Snake: In the movies, the hero always saves the girl...

Otacon: ...You mean Meryl?

Short silence

Otacon: ...Sorry... forget I said anything... Snake, there's something I've really got to ask you….It's why I followed you up this far...

Otacon pushes up his glasses

Otacon: Have you ever ...loved someone?

Bill: Oh great, a gay confession!

Vince: This place is gonna get pink and sparkly any minute!

Otacon: Leave me alone!

Billy: Careful Snake! He looks like the type to hump it and dump it!

Snake turns away from the railing and looks at Otaco
n
Snake: ……That's what you came to ask?

Otacon: No I mean... I... I was wondering if even soldiers fall in love...

Dean: My Gaydars going crazy!

Otacon: Shut up!

Snake : What are you trying to say?

Otacon: I wanna ask you... Do you think love can bloom even on a battlefield?

Mr. Dibbley: Is it me or is this place going up 10 scales on the homo-erotic chart?

Sal: It's not just you, this is as gay as we can go without getting any Twilight characters involved!

Snake: SHUT UP! To answer your question, Otacon, Yeah...I do. I think at any time, any place... people can fall in love with each other. But... if you love someone, you have to be able to protect them...

Otacon: I think so too!

Vince: Gaygaygaygaygaygaygaygaygaygaygaygay.

Jericho: This is worse than being a college student spreading around tales that you're sleeping with people and thinking people believe you!

Jericho looks at the camera and raises his eyebrows

Snake : I have a favor to ask.

Otacon: Uh oh…

Sal: Damn right, uh-oh!

Maurice: HE WANTS YA BABIES!

Snake: Shut up. Don't worry…It'll be easy!

Mr. Dibbley: That’s what he said!

Snake: SHUT UP!

Otacons arm starts shaking slightly

Otacon: Umm...I told you before, I don't wanna hurt anyone.

Snake: I don't want you to either, fuckmook

Otacon: Okay...

Snake : The elevator is stopped down there….I want you to get it to move, You see?

Otacon leans over the railing nearest to him and looks down into the abyss. Sure enough, the elevators cable is swallowed up by the blackness, indicating it is stuck at the bottom. Snake walks over to him.

Otacon: Hm…That's weird.

Snake: It was working before, but now it isn't

Otacon: ...Maybe the panel's broken?

Snake: Can you fix it?!

Otacon: It was working before…

Otacon turns away from the railing and towards Snake

Otacon: If it's the mechanism, leave it to me!

Snake: I've got to go and swat a noisy fly.

Otacon: Okay. I'll stay here and hold the fort. Good luck.

Otacon walks past Snake, Snake turns towards him

Snake: You really look like hell….Are you okay?

Otacon: Don't worry…

Otacon flicks the switch on his shoulder, turning on the stealth

Brick: Woah, he disappeared like magic!

Otacon: If I do this, it doesn't matter. I just pretend like I'm not here. Then I'm not scared.

Snake: Strange logic….But i'm counting on you.

Otacon nods and runs off past the mercenaries. Snake looks at them.

Snake: What?

Lynch: What do we do?

Silence.

Snake: Well..I’m gonna go and fuck Liquids shit up..If you guys are gonna help, please please PLEASE don’t get in the fucking way!

They all salute

Lynch: I’LL DO YOU PROUD, SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!!!!!!!

Silence.

Snake: Right..just follow me..

Snake turns around and runs down the coridoor, turning the corner. The mercenaries follow him, sidling past two lone stacked metal ammo boxes and up a set of metal stairs. The stairs jolt quickly to the left, and they keep jogging up

Dean: I am so not looking forward to this!

Snake reaches the top and a surveillance camera with a small machinegun attached to the bottom quickly points at him, it’s LED light turning red. Billy quickly takes his rifle from his back and fires at the camera, destroying it in a single shot

Snake: Thanks, NOW MOVE!

Billy: Gee, no problem, dickwad.

They keep following Snake up the stairs, which are similar to those they encountered in Communication Tower A: Winding around the steel skeleton of the tower, and far, FAR too tiring.

Maurice: HOW MANY FUCKING STAIRS!!

Snake pulls out several chaff grenades, before pulling the pin from one and throwing it. Silver shards fill the air, and the LEDs of the gun cameras start flickering rainbow as their sensors are jammed. This makes the passage less deadly, but still as tiring as they continue their relentless march up the stairs. Snake keeps running up them, shaking his head wildly and frothing at the mouth, flailing his arms

Snake: OHMYGODIMSOPISSEDIWANTTORIPLIQUIDSGUTSFROMHISASSGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!

As Snake keeps running up the stairs, the mercenaries are two sets of stairs below him, trudging slowly up

Vince: I hate my life..

Bill: I hate your life..

Vince: Douchebag…

Bill: Asshole..

Lynch: Keep marching, cockmunchers..

Snake: OHMYGODMOARCAMERAS!!!

The mercenaries keep slowly trudging up the stairs, ignoring the subsequent hissing of a missile, a yellow cloud highlighting them, smoke pouring from above, and Snake coughing

Snake: OHMYGODTHATSHOULDTEACHTHEMRIGHTGAIS?!?!

Mercenaries: Riiiiiiiiiiiggghtttt…

Sal: I! FUCKING! HATE! STAIRS!

Snake: KEEPMOVINGWHOAMGZORRO!!!!!!!!

Vince: Eugh..this is awful…why are we even here?

Mr. Dibbley: Some….save the world mumblity-jumbo I have completely forgot about..

Robbie: How dull..

That Other Random Guy: How many more stairs??

Snake: QUITEALOTBUTWHOGIVESASHITWELLKILLTHEMOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mercenaries: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww…….

After a few minutes, they reach the top, which is characterized by a square, gridded catwalk around the top of the girders holding up the Tower. Snake quickly pulls his Stinger from his back and jumps onto the ladder, roaring loudly and climbing up. Some mercenaries slowly walk over, but Lynch waves them off

Lynch: FUCK IT! Not after those fucking stairs!
Silence.

Liquids Voice : SO THE SNAKES FINALLY COME OUT OF HIS HOLE?!?!?! ARE YOU READY NOW, MY BROTHER?!?!?!?!

Snake: Why are you calling me brother? Who the hell are you!?

Liquid: I'm you. I'm your shadow.

Snake: What!?

Liquid: Ask the father that you killed! I'll send you to hell to meet him!!

Dean: But it’s a family feud out there! It could be juicy!

Lynch: Sorry..I forgot to give a shit.

Phil: Look, If we don’t protect Snake, We came here, missed holidays, got shot at, and had our legs humped for no fucking reason.

Lynch: I draw the line at facing a hell-spitting Russian Gunship

Jericho: He’s got a point..abandoning it now would be worse than renaming something 50 billion times, then ending up with an acronym like any outsiders could give a fuck!

Phil: Jerry, stop breaking the fourth wall. We're close enough to fucking up the space-time continuum as it is

Sal: Are we?

Mercenaries: YES.

Silence.

Dean: Weeeelll...I am not moving for ANYTHING

Silence. Phil reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handful of pound coins. The mercenaries stare at them. Phil raises his hand, the mercenaries gaze up. Phil lowers his hand, the mercenaries gaze downwards.

Phil: Now that I have SOME attention here, I just want you gits to know that….There’s a quid in it for anyone who survives.

Silence. Sound of roaring and scrambling.

Phil: Fuck, I should’ve thought this through

Phil quickly turns around and starts to scale up the ladder. Sal and Dean grab his legs, but he shakes them off, climbing up quicker

Sal: I WANT MONEY!

Karab: I LIKE CASH!

Vince: SHINY MATERIAL MAKE ME SMILE!

Lynch: Don’t! It’s a tri---Ah, what the fucks the point?

Lynch sits back and watches them claw for the ladder

Lynch: Dickflaps.

Phil reaches the top and steps out into the tiny room connecting the ladder to Comm. Tower B. He quickly steps onto the thin strip of metal opposite the ladder, and runs a few steps onto the concrete. He looks around the cramped confines of the room, which is highlighted a pale blue by a light to the right of the ladder. A hand grasps at the concrete and Billy pulls himself up

Billy: MONEY!

Phil: IT’S OUT HERE!

Phil quickly grasps his FAMAS assault rifle and shoots a few bullets at the doors control panel, causing it to shoot open and a gust of freezing wind and snow to enter the room. Phil quickly throws the coins out into the open. Billy storms past him and into the open, followed by Sal, Billy, Jericho, Dean, Vince, Robbie, That Other Random Guy and Mr. Dibbley. Brick scrambles to the top of the ladder and looks around

Brick: Where’s the money?

Everyone is oblivious to the sound of gun-fire and piercing helicopter blades filling the air

Phil: Out there!

Brick: SUH-WEET!!!!!!!!

Brick runs out. Karab, Dave, Vince, Bill and That Other Random Guy all climb up the ladder and run forwards, getting wedged in the door. Maurice appears behind them and screams wildly, running forward and shoving them all through, oblivious to Moe who is hanging on to the back of his leg.

Phil: As if those idiots don’t know what they’ve got themselves in to--

On cue, the sound of unified screaming from the mercenaries

Phil: ….Touche!

He walks out into the open, vast platform of Communication Tower B. The air is thick with the sound of helicopters blades, as well as a light smattering of snow. In front of them are two large steel containers, guarded by a thick wall of metal, where our cowardly mercenaries are now huddled behind. To the right, a huge broken girder, from where the Hinds missiles and falling Radar dish annihilated the connecting strut, has collapsed in a downwards L-shape, still allowing cover to a steel set of steps onto a small platform which would have been where the strut had joined the towers, now only opening up a yawning chasm where the strut used to be. Phil looks over at the mercenaries, who are staring at him, their arms cuddling their FAMAS assault rifles

Phil: You doing alright, guys?

Vince: Duck.

Phil: Whe--

A burst of gunfire from the hand starts spraying violently across the platform, Phil dives onto his stomach and scoots behind the metal container to join his fellow Mercenaries.

Jericho: Thanks, dick.

Phil: Don’t blame me! How could I know you were all this stupid?!

Snake slides on his knees behind the container as the sound of the blades get quieter

Snake: INEEDSTINGERMISSILES!!!!!!!!!

Silence. The mercenaries look at each other, then laugh at Snake

Snake: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Jericho: Now why would WE carry missiles?

Silence. Sound of a hiss.

Liquid: TAKE THIS!!

Silence. Hissing gets louder.

Vince: oh please don’t be what I think it is!

The mercenaries peer their head around the corner of the container. A missile is heading straight towards the platform.

Mercenaries: Oh, cock.

-COMING SOON: Part XI
With our mercenaries somehow alive and ticking, they find themselves stuck between Snake and a Hind-D! Can our mercenaries survive and help Snake defeat Liquid without giving their allegiance away? Will the others ever be seen again? Is Octopus still horny? And will Samoa Joe ever get a cameo appearance again? Tune in next time, for Disco Elevator, Too Many Wolves, Moar gay insinuation, and sweaty balls of death!

---

Editors Note:

Yes, I have been in absentia for the past month. I apologise only very slightly, because it's Christmas, and who writes anything or views anything over Christmas? So there wasn't an update up..big whoop!

Of course, If anyone got butthurt over it, I do have a LOT of plans concerning the future of the Mercenaries. A LOT. I have a few special entries, and of course TMOSM will be finished soon..

Don't worry, The Best Is Yet To Come, we've reached some heights, and it's not like there's a Way To Fall with the few views I do get. Ah well, Consider this my New Years message..2009 was a damn good year. Got into the juicy bits of the Mercenaries, and now we're continuing on a steady pace. You Can't Say Goodbye To Yesterday, and why should we? A lot of my best entries are the earlier ones, and we can't ignore them.....which is why I promise that my main achievement this year is to make the entries even better! I want my few remaining fans to give me suggestions, to tell me how I can be better!

Welcome to a new decade!

...Snake Eater!