Sunday, 13 December 2009

Chapter IX - S-C-R-Something-Something Spells Screwed!

Part IX - Through A Frozen Hell

The scene opens in the cell room. Our true hero, Solid Snake, is sitting on the edge of his bed, staring at the right corner of the room. Through the chain-linked window, Brick knocks on the glass. Snake slowly looks up. Brick laughs and claps his hands.

Brick: I made him look! I made him look!

Dean: The fuck is he looking at, though? He’s just staring at one corner..

Bill: Who the fuck cares?

Meanwhile, in the Torture Chamber, Lynch has now taken to negotiating with Ocelot for his pay.

Lynch: We got promised one-fifty EACH in HAND for bringing this body back! Now, what do you say??!

Ocelot: get payed when this operation finishes..

Phil: We’re fucking mercs, man! We’re not busting our balls just cause you’ve got a giant nuclear-capable robot housed here! What if Snake paid us, eh?

Ocelot: I doubt he could pay..

Phil: We haven’t even been fed. He gives us a Ration, he outbids you fuckers!

Ocelot: Those rations taste like shitwater with cumbeef. Don’t flatter yourself.

Lynch: Pay us….or Will will teabag you!

Silence. Ocelot looks up from the console, turning to Will

Ocelot: Really?

Will: No!

Ocelot breaths a sigh of relief

Will: My balls are so big I’ll potato sack your fucking face!

Ocelot gulps, looking around the room

Ocelot: N-no..just no..

Lynch: Will. Unzip.


Will: …Can I get a sexy woman to say that? My penis just shrunk when you said that.

Lynch: Unzip it or lose it.

Ocelot: OKAY! Jesus fucking Christ! But..I gotta go get the boss, ok?!

Lynch: One-fifty each. Not our agreed fee.

Phil and Jericho: Agreed fee?

Lynch: We agreed on five-k. EACH. Isn’t that right?

Ocelot: Lynch, your busting my balls here-

Lynch: No! I refuse to do such a thing, you kinky, homosexual, rapist fuck!

Ocelot: One-fifty each…Ok..I can go get that…I only left it in the motherfucking Underground Maintenance.

Lynch leans forward

Lynch: Wanna re-phrase that?

Ocelot: I am NOT going to be persuaded by filthy, kill-for-money mercenaries!

Frank: You are, because you can’t kill us all.

Ocelot; I can try..

Jericho: And you know you’d fail! Get the money, and we can all just forget this little tiff, can’t we?

Ocelot: NO!

Jericho: For fucks--Look, if I wanted to have agreements cancelled by someone who just walked off the set of Brokeback Mountain, I’d be in Texas wearing a pair of assless chaps. But we’re not. Where’s our money?

Ocelot: Brokeback Mountain?

Jericho: Whaddaya say?

Silence. Ocelot looks around.

Ocelot: You sons of whores..Fine, I’ll go and get the cash…BUT! You fuckers had better meet me in the Blast Furnace in two hours..If not, you and the money are gone forever

Lynch: Try it then, sonny-jim.

Ocelot: TWO hours. You guys stay here until I call you, have you got that?

Lynch: Yeah, sure, as long as we’re being paid

Ocelot spits on the floor at Lynchs feet.

Ocelot: Sons of whores..

Lynch: Yeah, but I’m going to pay for those shoes to get shined, dickwad.

Ocelot: And I want him tortured!

Lynch shrugs

Lynch: Sure.

Ocelot: …Those lights better be fucking burnt out by the time I pay you and return! HAVE YOU GOT IT?!

Lynch: Yup.

Ocelot curses under his breath and stomps out of the room.

Bob: Yo Ocelo--


Ocelot pulls apart the elevator doors and steps in, slamming them shut

Bob: Charming man.

Lynch looks around the room.

Lynch: Alright men..We gotta free you-know-who..

The toilet flushes and Johnny walks out, turning to the mercenaries

Johnny: got my back, guys?

Sal: Yup!

Johnny: Good to have some backup!

The mercenaries grin at Johnny, who slowly walks into the cell room. As soon as the door slides shut behind him, they huddle together

Frank: Ok…when Johnny goes to the bathroom again. We shoot open the lock and get Snake to lie on the floor. Johnnys so retarded he won’t notice the lack of blood. We’ll tell him to help. He’ll run into the cell, Snake’ll jump up, kick his ass and take the key

Will: Will it work?

Sal: Johnnys retarded. It will work. You could outwit him with a box and a piece of cheese.

Frank: Coincidentally, that was also my second plan

Billy, Dean, Karab, Dave and Robbie are standing outside the cell. Snake is near the door, which has a gap open at eye-height

Snake: Apparently the Governments not gonna give into the demands..and Campbell was lying…Metal Gear IS designed to launch a new type of nuclear warhead, and he knew it.

Dave: Never knew about the warhead..Never cared..

Snake: guys aren’t with the Government?

Dean: Nope. We’re mercenaries through-and-through..Just we have a…..uhhh…

Karab: Moral compass.

Dean: ….What he said.

Snake: Nice to know someone has my back..Don’t suppose anyone smokes?

Dean nods into the Torture Room

Dean: Jerry does..

Snake: Ah…leave it..can’t be fucked..

Dean: You sure?

Snake: I guys..for mercs..are pretty privileged to be here..

Billy: Yeah, we’re in fucking paradise.

Snake: Well, not even the Government knows about this..


Dean: Really?

Snake: Need to know basis…With the S.T.A.R.T three talks coming up tomorrow, due to be signed.. No-one needs to know about this nuclear battle-tank other than those involved..

Dean: And we could…sell, this info?

Snake looks at Dean.

Snake: You know the info on REX?

Dean: No, but--

Snake: Then you have nothing worth selling!

Robbie: S.T.A.R.T Three, huh?

Snake: Signed tomorrow in case of a nuclear strike backing us into a corner..

Robbie: Well, you guys

Snake: Why..where are you mercs based?

Dean: Need to know basis.

Snake; Really? Cause you guys have saved my ass and still not told me anything….Look, either way, the only reason we’re dealing with the new treaty is to do with MY Presidents reputation and Americas place as a dominant superpower..

Dean: God fucking forbid that America should tell the truth, eh?

Snake: That’s what I thought..and now they want me to destroy Metal Gear..

Robbie: What a job to do, eh?

Snake: Yeah..yapped in one ear about doing whats right..yapped in another about DNA and how It can tell the future by some female English emo doctor..

Karab: Naomi Hunter

Snake; Yeah…how’d you know?


Dean: Yeah, KARAB, how’d you know?!

Karab: I…saw a lecture of hers?

Snake: Huh..interesting…

Dean is pushed away from the door by an unseen force. The mercenaries in the room point their guns at the door


Silence. All the mercenaries aside from Brick lower their guns

Brick: Who said that?

Vince slaps him around the back of his head

Vince: Idiot, it’s Otacon..

Brick: ahhhhhhhhhh…

Silence. His eye twitches and he points his gun at the door.

Otacon: HEY! HEY!


Otacon: WHAT?! WHAT?!

Vince: Otacon, you’re an otaku. Brick hates geeks, dweebs, nerds-

Otacon: I get the picture

Bill: Don’t forget jam-jar wearers, dorks, geekazoids--

Otacon: OK!

Snake is busy laying against the door, snoring loudly. Otacon raps against the metal door and Snake wakes up

Snake: About fucking time! What is it?

Otacon switches off his stealth suit, appearing in front of them all

Otacon: Wow..they even captured you!

Snakes eye twitches and he shoves his arms through the bars, grabbing Otacons arms and pulling him roughly into the door

Otacon: OW! Hey! That hurts!


Otacon: Damn Snake..Is that an animals cage? Or were you really worried?


Karab, Dean, Bill, Brick and Vince: DARPA Chief?

Snake points to the corner of the cell he was staring at. The mercenaries stand to the left of the cell to get a better view of what Snake is pointing at. The DARPA Chief, still dressed in his black shoes, brown slacks, white shirt, blue tie and ID badge, is starting to decompose. His flesh has wrinkled, and his skin is a lot paler. Maggots are crawling and pulsing over his body and on the floor near his shoes. His eyes are a deathly pale, his lips curled up over his teeth, and dried blood encrusted onto his shirt. The mercenaries all groan in disgust

Bill: Ewwwww…

Dean: NAS-TAY!

Karab: Sickening!

Vinces eye twitches as he stares at the corpse. A maggot sitting directly on top of the DARPA Chiefs head puts on a mini tophat and cane and starts to dance

Maggot: Hello, my baby! Hello, my honey! Hello my ragtime GAAAAAAL!!!!!!!!


Dean, Karab, Vince, Bill and Brick: What the fuck?!

The maggot quickly dives into the Chiefs skull and they grimace. Vince retches violently, putting his hands on his knees. Bill pats his back.

Bill: I thought you’d be used to the stench…It’s eau de Franks breath..

Franks voice: I heard that!

Snake: Yeah..he’s dead


Dean: What the fuck gave it away? The maggots? Bloodstains? Stench?

Bill: Didn’t he only die a few hours ago? Why’s he rotting? Like…shouldn’t that only be a day after the body is left in the open? I dunno..

Snake: I don’t know..Look at his skin too.


Karab: Well, his skins got some wrinkles in it. It’s pale. So?

Snake: Drained of blood, anyone?

Silence. X Files theme plays.

Brick: Fuck! Not The Man In The Banana Suit!

Vince: Nah! We left him crisping nicely in Otacons lab!

Otacons: AWWW-

Bill: Quiet Otaku, or I’ll punch you in the stomach and stab you in the eye with a Pocky you fuckmook!

Dean: Oi, morons, Why drain him of blood?


Brick: Alien abduction? Check his rectum, if there’s a probe! I’m right!

Bill: Fucking hell, Brick, does it look like he’s been anally violated?!?!?! He clearly had something in his blood they want

Dean: Like?

Bill: ………….Snake, help me?

Snake; Just transmitters and nanomachines , nothing important

Dean: Poo. We have a conspiracy.

Snake: Look..whatever, it’s the least of our problems..I’ve told Campbell about the sitch.

Vince: What’s the mission?

Snake: MY mission.

Otacon: What is it, Snake?

Snake: He told them his detonation codes. The only way to stop it is to use three keys made by Armstech to cancel the launch at the launch room in the computers..but Campbell wants me to…destroy Metal Gear.


Dean: Good luck

Snake: Is that it?

Dean: Pretty much..We don’t wanna face it, do we guys?

Karab: Nooo!

Brick: No no no..Your job..

Bill: Good luck! I’m sure you’ll do…..decently

Snake: Nice to know I have your support…YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MAH FRIENDS!!!!

Dean: Woah woah! Calm down, Snakey boy..What the fuck are supposed to do? Tickle it’s feet?

Snake: Help me?

Karab: Got cash?

Snake: Wha--NO! Of course not!

Brick: Sorry, buddy, we’re mercenaries. We don’t work for free.

Snake: But…I thought you guys had morals?!
Silence. They all fall to the floor and start laughing loudly.


Snake: You mother--I killed my own Dad, Think you guys can survive?
Silence. They slowly get to their feet and dust themselves off.

Karab: Killjoy.

Otacon: Who was your father, Snake? I thought you had no family…..

Snake: Big Boss is my father..Killed him in Zanzibar, Six years ago..Son of a bitch betrayed me, was my contact man..Made two versions of Metal Gear..Destroyed first one, thought I killed him…Six years ago, I destroyed Metal Gear D…and killed my father..

Karab: Wow. You are totally ruining the mood here.

Snake: Don’t you care Big Boss was my father?!

The mercenaries all shake their heads

Otacon: Anyway, Snake, I’ve brought these-

Otacon leans into the cell, handing Snake a cold hamburger, a small bottle of ketchup and a handkerchief. Snake takes the items and looks down at them.

Snake: Thanks, but can I have something….well..

He grabs Otacon by the collar of his LabCoat and pulls him violently into the door

Snake: FUCKING USEFUL?!?!?!?!?!?

Otacon: Hey! I thought you were hungry, so I brought you that!

Snake: And the motherfucking handkerchief??!

Otacon: It’s Sniper Wolfs!

Vince: Nice work, dummy.

Brick: Coulda got us a bomb..A key…instead you give us THIS SHIT!!!

Otacon: Only the guard has the key!

Snake: Why Wolfs handkerchief?

Otacon: She’s nice to me!

Snake: Oh, great. Stockholm Syndrome.

Dean: You fell in love with your captor?

Robbie: You. Stupid. DICK.

Otacon: HEY! I was taking care of the dogs here. After the terrorists took over, they were planning to shoot all the dogs. But Sniper Wolf stopped them... she even let me feed them when I asked! She likes dogs…..she must be a good person….Please don't hurt her!

Sal: Typical Otaku and Gaia Online logic “She kills people, but she likes dogs. She’s innocent.” YOU STUPID FUCK!

Otacon: Leave me alone!

Brick: You’re dumb, goddammit!

Bill: And coming from Brick, that’s saying something!

Snake: Otacon. They’re planning to launch the fucking nuke, you dumb cock.

Otacon: Then you’ll have to head past the Communication Towers!

Snake: GET ME OUT!

Otacon: I’m doing the best I can!

Snake: Take out the guard! Get his key!

Otacon: I can’t do that! I’m a scientist, not a soldier! I can’t take anybody out!

Vince: Oh, you fucking cow-

Otacon: I’ll be killed!

Silence. Sound of toilet paper being unrolled. Otacon gives a nervous sigh.

Otacon: Ah…gee…He’s done…I gotta go before he catches us!

Otacon clicks a button on the shoulder of his lab coat and he disappears, walking away quickly

Snake: You motherfucking dweeb!

Snake turns to the mercenaries, slamming the door with his fists

Snake: Help me!

Vince: How--

At that very instant, Lynch, Phil and Sal kick the Torture Room door open, firing their FAMAS wildly into the air. Frank runs over to the cell door.


Lynch, Phil and Sal stop firing. Frank fires several bullets at the lock and it shatters, the door sliding open. Snake pours ketchup next to his abdomen and quickly lays, spreadeagled on the floor. Dave watches, bewildered

Dave: He has got to be some level of retarded not to believe that-

The toilet flushes and Johnny quickly runs in, wearing only soggy Y-fronts. He quickly unlocks the cell and slides the door open, looking down at Snake with his hands on his head

Johnny: guys killed him?! WE WERE SUPPOSED TO KEEP HIM ALIVE!

Silence. Johnny keeps looking at the body. Snake lets out a squeaky fart.

Snake: Fuck.


Dean: The boy sure is dumb.

Snake jumps up, head butting Johnny under his chin, Johnny squeaks and stumbles backwards into Dean, knocking him off balance and spilling his coffee all over his fatigues. Johnny lets out a nervous sigh and turns around to see Dean, whose right eye is twitching violently.

Johnny: Uh…buy you ano--

Dean crumples the paper cup and screams loudly, grabbing Johnny by the testicles and squeezing as hard as he can. Johnny lets out a high-pitched squeal and starts jumping up and down. The rest of the mercenaries wince

Johnny: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! MOMMY!!!!!!!!!! MOMMY!!!! MOMMY!!!

Dean lifts his arm, lifting Johnny off the ground with a claw-grip on his gonads. Johnny starts foaming at the mouth, his right eye twitching incredibly fast.


Johnny: NUTBUSTER??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?





Dean lets go of Johnny. As soon as he hit’s the ground, Karab runs forward and kicks Johnny in the testicles as hard as he can. Johnny jumps up in pure excruciating pain, hits his head off the low cell doorway, and knocks himself out.

Snake: ….Woah

Karab starts hopping around in pain

Karab: My foot! My foot! I think I broke it on his ball sack!

Dean: Nice kick, Karab!

Karab: OW! MY FOOT!

The security door to the Torture Room hisses and slides open. Mr Dibbley and Robbie enter the room

Dibbley: Chaps, we heard gunshots? Is everything dandy in here?

The door of the cell room opens and Snake appears, followed by Phil, Will, Sal and Frank

Phil: Yeah..all fine and dandy..Johnnys choking on a ruptured testicle, Snakes been freed..

Billy, Bob, Dave, Obese Maurice, That Other Random Guy and Moe the Midget hear this, entering the room

Billy: That simple, huh?

Sal: Yup!

Frank: Indeed!

Billy: And we couldn’t have done it earlier and saved us this whole shit?

Lynch walks into the room

Lynch: Dibbley.

Mr. Dibbley slaps Billy around the head with a flipper


Mr. Dibbley: Charmed.

Bob: Are we all done here?

Snake emerges from the bathroom, tossing the box that held his stuff to the side, pulling his sneaking suit on tighter over his six-pack, which is clearly visible

Snake: Feels like I’m wearing..NOTHING AT ALL!

Vince: Oh GOD NO!

Snake turns his back to them, wiggling his ass and clearly visible buttcheeks


The mercenaries all turn away, screaming


Snake: Thanks guys..but you’re all GAY! AHAHAHAHAHA!

He runs off into the coridoor


Lynch: Let’s not waste another second, we better get going..

The other mercenaries file out of the cell room

Dean: Where to?

Lynch: Communication Towers…Just past the Snow Caverns--

Dave: With the wolves?!

Lynch: Yeah..

The mercenaries sigh

Mercenaries: Shit.


The mercenaries have made it into the tiny cavern outside of the Communication Towers Hallway. Nothing has changed, except that the passage they used has now been caved in to stop any wolves entering. Dave is making sure the stones are safely burrowed into the passage

Lynch: Nice grenading, Dave

Dean walks past, holding his right index finger in his left palm, blood gushing out

Dean: Yeah, thanks for checking to see if no mercenaries were fighting of horny wolves. YOU COCK!

Dave: Hey, you were too slow! Move it or lose it!

Lynch: …We managed to avoid hardcore wolf rape men, stand down

They all drop their weapons, breathing in and out heavily

Moe: I swear I felt it jump at me! I feared for my leg!

Bill: Get would’ve been your face

Moe shudders

Frank: But it’s nice and pretty in here, though..

The mercenaries look around inside the snowy cavern and nod

Phil: …Don’t let Celesse see it or we won’t be able to give out avatars anymore.

Jericho: Or Icons.

Phil: Or Icons. I forgot the Icons.

Frank: You guys are so snide, you know that?

Phil: Not really, I’m a businessman. Not THE business, MAN.

Jericho: Word to your mother.

Phil turns his head to Jericho

Phil: That made absolutely no sense whatsoever

Jericho: We’re mercenaries, does it have to make sense?

Sal pulls out a plate from nowhere and smashes it over his head before handing the shards to Steve, who takes them and starts munching on them.

Sal: Word.

Steve: To your mother.


Lynch: Come on, you fucking monkeys

They shoulder their weapons and walk into the coridoor, straight ahead and over the pools of blood which belonged to Meryl

Frank: Wonder where she went..

Phil: I bet Ocelots raping her..

That Other Random Guy: Lucky bastard..

Phil: You holding a torch for her, *BEEP*?

That Other Random Guy: No, it’s just the way my trousers are tightened

Vince: That is sick in so many ways.

They turn to the right and stand outside the Level Six Security door, guns at the ready

Lynch: the top of Tower A, over to Tower B, down, into the Snowfield, get our pay, and fucking leave!

Frank: SAVE SNAKE and leave..

Lynch: That’s what YOU’RE doing..ONWARDS!

As they step towards the door, the door slides open and a guard walks out, the same guard who had hassled them before, pointing his FAMAS rifle at Lynch

Lynch: Oh, for Christs sake, stop this bollocks and let us pass

Soldier: NEVER! I know that zoo lot are ze intvuders!

Lynch: Guy….Let it go.

Soldier: And zif I zon’t?!

Silence. Whistling sound.

Soldier: What in ze blue vuck-

A huge boulder flies down from the ceiling and crashes on top of the soldier, crushing and killing him instantly. The ‘boulder’ however stands up to reveal the form of Bam Bam Bigelow, complete with cobweb tattoo on his hand, and a wrestling outfit covered in blue and orange flames


He vanishes in a blue flash. They all blink and look down at the bloody smear on the floor.

Maurice: …Let’s go, lads

They all step over the bloody smear and through the door. The coridoor ahead is dark. Only a small amount of pale-blue lighting is seen. Ahead of them are 2 lone wooden crates, stacked in the corner. Slumped against the crate is a guard, with a pool of blood around him

Frank: Snakes been here..Damn, I was hoping to pop some caps in asses..

A wolfs howl shakes the coridoor and the mercenaries all look around

Sal: a-awfully dark in here..

Mr. Dibbley: Just a bit, lads..Just a bit..

Bob: Man..this is some..freaky shit..

Lynch: C’mon you faggots. Move onwards.

They start to walk up the abandoned coridoor

Karab: Anyone believe in ghosts?

Silence. Sam and Dean look at each other

Sam and Dean: No!

Sal: I DO!

Brick: And me!

Phil: But we all believe in…Banana MAN!

Demonic sounding music and choir

Frank: Guys..stop! It’s scaring me!

Will: You’ve found a mirror?

Frank: ..God, Will! Have you tried not being a complete and utter bastard?!

Will: Tried it. Didn’t like it.

They reach the end of the coridoor and turn left. A short walk ahead of them is another Level 6 Security Door.

Jericho: You know, I want copyright taking out on this shit

Phil: You know this is copyright of Konami, right?

Bob: We’re not breaking laws…are we?

Phil: No, just so long as we don’t try to sell merchandise as our own, did you hear that Christian Weston Chandler, you fat fucking retard?

Jericho: Phil, cut the pop culture references, they’re not funny

The ghost of Michael Jackson moonwalks past them

Jackson: HEE-HEE!!

It vanishes into a wall. The mercenaries keep walking.

Moe: This is completely random shit now..

Jericho: Phil?

Phil: Wasn’t me. Don’t let Celesse see it tho--

Jericho: WHAT DID I SAY?!

Phil: Tentacles?


Silence. Huge cheers erupt from the mercenaries


The security door slides open. Before them stands a simple spiral staircase attached to the walls, going upwards into a dark, unseen abyss. The staircase spirals around 4 tall girders erected vertically, acting as the skeleton of Communication Tower A, the girders interconnected with webs and triangles of girders. The room itself is empty, the thick dust collecting on the walls, the dim strip lighting on the walls, and the dirt encrusted onto the metal steps of the stairs, coupled with a musky odour, suggests the place hasn’t been cleaned in a long time.

Lynch: Well…up

Frank: Up where?

Dean: Up there.

Lynch points at the staircase, then up into the abyss

Will: Motherfucker.

Bob: Where does it lead?

Lynch: Ha! I did the research, cunts! It leads to the roof of Communication Tower A, which we use to reach and go down Communication Tower B, and THEN we reach the Snowfield, and we pass into thr Blast Furnace, Warehouse..and then the Underground Maintenance! SO MOVE YOUR ASSES!

They all whine and walk to the foot of the staircase. Lynch starts briskly jogging up and reaches a platform where the staircase continues to follow the opposite wall, he turns and looks down at them

Lynch: NOW!

They start the trek up the large staircase which is spiralling upwards in a square-pattern, whining to themselves

Sal:Are we there yet?

Vince: My feet hurt!

Phil: This place smells funny..

Halfway up, they walk past a yellow panel with a red glass dot in the middle, a red light beaming out from it

Billy: The fuck is that?

The lights suddenly go out as they reach the metal panelling of the platform


Frank: What the hell is this?

Electronic Voice: TIME TO GET RANDOM!


Dean: I don’t like this!

That Other Random Guy: Change? I DON’T LIKE CHANGE!

All of a sudden, various dots of silver light dance across the walls. The mercenaries look up: From the ceiling, dangling in the metal skeleton of the actual tower itself, is a disco ball. All of a sudden, a steady electronic techno beat starts to play

Freestylers - Don’t Stop The Rock:
There's a party in the house and we'll be rockin' tonight
So bring your body with you baby and I'll make you feel right
It's a freaky celebration of a natural kind
And the pleasure you'll experience will blow your mind

Frank: I don’t like the sound of this!

Sal: Yeah, man! What a beat!


The mercenaries keep standing there as Sal and Vince start to do the Robot, and Bill does the funky chicken


Frank starts to do the Running Man, dancing past Lynch

Frank: WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Lynch turns to the mercenaries, who have started to do various disco dances. Phil, Maurice, Moe, Sal, Vince, Brick and Billy are in a circle, doing the robot


Freestylers - Don’t Stop The Rock:
Freestyle's kickin' in the house tonight
Move your body from left to right
To all you freaks, don't stop the rock
That's freestyle speakin' and you know I'm right
Freestyle's kickin' in the house tonight
Move your body from left to right
To all you freaks, don't stop the rock
That's freestyle speakin' and you know I'm right

Billy: What, man?
Lynch is simply staring behind them. Barely highlighted by the disco light is the face of Laughing Octopus, short blonde hair swaying, her young face grinning inanely
The mercenaries all laugh as Octopus side-steps to behind Bob
Dave: Yeah, what can possibly happen?! Snake killed the guards, and we’re fucking funking!
Freestylers - Don’t Stop The Rock: Everybody will be dancing to the beat on the floor
You will encounter situations never thought of before
Satsfaction's gaurenteed if you know what I mean
And when you walk into the door its such a freaky scene
Freestyle's kickin' in the house tonight
Move your body from left to right
To all you freaks, don't stop the rock
That's freestyle speakin' and you know I'm right
Freestyle's kickin' in the house tonight
Move your body from left to right
To all you freaks, don't stop the rock
That's freestyle speakin' and you know I'm right


Bob: What is it? A fan who loves my funktapus dancing?!

Octopus nods, still grinning, and sniggers loudly

Bob: ……There’s something behind me isn’t there?

The music stops suddenly, the lights turn on and the disco ball is lifted into the ceiling

Lynch: THERE’S THREE OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The asian beauty of Raging Raven is standing behind Will, while the brunette form of Screaming Mantis is behind Frank

Lynch: Bye.

Lynch turns around and runs up the stairs. The mercenaries watch as he runs up the stairs.
Vince: Where’s he going so fast?

Dave: He scared or something?

Silence. Will giggles.

Will: Someones touching my happy sack!


Phil: That is goddamn wro--FUCKING BAIL!

Phil turns to Will, only to see Raging Raven with her body pressed into his back, rubbing her hands down his body. He quickly turns and runs up the stairs. Bob turns around and screams as Octopus jumps on him, forcing him to the ground and making out with him violently



The mercenaries have all turned to run. Frank tries to run forward, but Mantis grabs his hair and slams him violently to the ground, jumping on him and straddling him, pinning him by his wrists

Frank: Oh fuck.

Mantis: Correct.

Raven throws Will against the wall and jumps at him

Will: BE GEN--HELP!!!!!!!!!!

The mercenaries have simply ran…

And ran…

And ran…

And stopped to breathe..

And ran some more..

Up the angular winding square metal staircase, ignoring the Level 6 security door three-quarters up the tower and kept running, not thinking about their abandoned, raped team. They eventually reach the top, which features a series of winding metal-grating catwalks around the skeleton of the Communication Towers. Not stopping for one second, Lynch jumps onto the ladder and climbs up. Phil shoves Dave out of the way and jumps onto the ladder, but Dave simply latches to his back. Dean and Karab climb up with half of the ladder on each side. Eventually, the mercenaries make it up the ladder and to a tiny room, where the door is slightly ajar. They run forward and quickly slide it open, emerging into the raging blizzard of Shadow Moses, which has slowed down significantly, but the harsh cold wind is still pelting at their bodies. Their lungs ache, and they quickly catch their breath. The lone platform of Communication Tower A holds them, and to their right is a large strut, covered in air-con units, and computers underneath a huge Radar dish, whose scarlet lights blinking in the bitter blizzard add a touch of mystery to the scene. The metal supports creek with each strong gust of cold wind

Phil: What the FUCK was that? We need to get those bastards back!

Lynch: Too late...they're being sexed..

The mercenaries all shudder

Sal: We need to finish soon..Time rift is ripping apart way too fast..

Karab: I think I have soiled myself.

Silence. Karabs stretches his leg.

Karab: Assumption correct.

Everyone sidesteps from Karab

Mr. Dibbley: Dammit chaps, how did they get here?

Moe: Time warp? They did the time warp...Get it, guys?

Maurice: Aye, bad crack little lad.

Lynch: There! Finally!

Lynch points to their right. They watch as Snake is slowly making his way up a set of concrete steps onto the strut connecting the two communication towers

Lynch: Well…he’s safe. More than can be said for 3 of our team-mates.

Sal: True, true…..So…we can’t be far off now..

Phil: Now let us watch as Snake safely makes his way up

They watch as Snake reaches the top, only for several missiles to scream down from the night sky with a blaze of orange following them. The mercenaries turn and watch.

Lynch: Oh.

Dean: My.

Dave: Fucking.

Billy: God.

The missiles hit the supporting beams of the satellite dish, which creaks forward, huge yellow explosions pouring out from it’s body. It eventually collapses forward, taking the entire strut with it. Red and yellow flames dance in the sky amongst choking black smoke, and the satellite dish simply disappears down into a huge abyss. Snake looks down at the smouldering, smoking wreckage, dumbstruck


Lynch: Snake? Everything ok?

Snake turns to the mercenaries, flailing his arms in frustration and pointing repeatedly at the now non-existent strut

Snake: DID YOU SEE THAT?!?!?!? DID?!?!? YOU?!?!? FUCKING?!?!? SEE?!?!?!? THAT?!?!?!

Bill: Calm down, man! Of course we saw it!

Snake: WHAT NOW?!?!?

Moe: We can think of--Anyone else hear that?

The thing sound of chopping air is heard filling the area. Behind them, a huge neon light engulfs the remaining platform. They all look at Snake.

Mercenaries: Something behind us, isn’t there?

Liquids voice booms out from the control panel

Liquids Voice: MOVE!!!!!

They turn around: A huge, gunmetal-gray Hind D has surfaced from below the Communication Tower, bearing down on them, it’s huge rotors spinning and slicing the air, a vulcan cannon situated on the bottom, and several sets of missile launchers dotted across the wing. The mercenaries quickly run to the side, screaming


Snake: LIQUID?!


The Hind flies over them, and lowers down into the abyss where the satellite dish fell. Snake and the Mercenaries run over to the railing and look down

Snake: We can’t take on a Hind with our bare hands…We need to escape..
The Hind resurfaces to their left, strafing across the length of the platform

Liquid: NOW YOU’RE MINE!!!!!!!!!!

Snake quickly winds a length of rope around his waist, and around the railing, jumping over and turning to the mercenaries as he stands on the ledge
Snake: What are you waiting for?!?!?


Lynch: Go! We’ve got a plan!

Snake looks at them

Snake: It better be fucking good!

Snake jumps down, disappearing from view. The mercenaries close their eyes as the hissing sound of missiles fills the air and starts to get close to them..


It looks like our mercenaries have now finally reached the end of the line! Will they survive? What is Lynchs plan? Will the next update take as long? What has happened to the unlucky mercenaries set upon by horny Beauties? Find out, next time!


  1. It's nustbuster time!!!