Chapter XI - In Russia, You Shoot Hind!

The scene opens in a plain white room, where the mercenaries are floating around in purgatory.

Dean: Dude...totally dreamy..

Silence. Several red lights start blinking

Dave: WOAH WOAH WOAH! GENTLEMEN! WE HAVE MOVEMENT!

Sal: That’s a lie! We haven’t moved for six months—Oh wait, we’re moving.

Robbie: About damn time!

Brick: GET R DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Silence.

Maurice: Finally, a long time coming! Do we have an authors note or something?

Silence.

Moe: No?

Authors note:

Moe: Wait! Wait, we have one! WE HAVE ONE!

Karab: WOW!! It awakens!

The mercenaries disappear in several flashes of red light.

Authors Note: Yes, after a five-six month hiatus, I’m finally reviving the Mercenaries. I could go into details, but it’d just delay the return later. I know there are still a handful of you who sadistically enjoy the stories, and after a few months, I’m guessing its time to give it to all of you.

And to those of you who posted comments four-five months after my last chapters original posting: You’re all fucking awesome.

Thanks for waiting, and sorry for the wait. I promise that this length of waiting will never happen for as long as I can make sure of it.

Without further ado, it’s back to the copyright-breaching, one-liner, unfunny-joking, THE MERCENARIES!

==*==

We return to where we left our mercenaries: On the platform of Communication Tower B, staring down several kilos of Russian steel forming a Russian Hind gunship, which has just fired a missile at our heroes (and Snake). The mercenaries stare at the missile.

Karab: What now?

Silence.

Dean: The missile is no match for..
Sal: INTERPRETIVE DANCE!!!!!!!!!

Sal jumps out from behind the container, shuffling his feet and waving his arms with a scared expression on his face

Dean: ….I was going to see Rocket Propelled Grenade, but whatever..

Sal: IT WORKED!

Brick: Man, he’s loopy--

The mercenaries look up as the missile flies over them, loop-the-loops and explodes with a weak-sounding fizzle and a shower of purple sparks

Liquid: WHO REPLACED MY SIDEWINDERS WITH FIREWORKS?!?!?!?!?!?!

Silence.

Bill: The Hispanic Mechanics LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Silence. The black, hulking form of Ahmed Johnson wearing his red trunks, red elbow pads and black-and-red kneepads kneels beside them

Johnson: Dudes, why am I here?

Silence.

Billy: ……Phil?

Everyone looks at Phil

Phil: I was fucking worried!

Ahmed: Goddammit man. What do you want?

Phil: There’s a Russian Gunship up there, think you can help?

Ahmed peeks his head around the edge of the metal container and looks at the Russian gunship strafing out of sight

Ahmed: …………….Tomko, Gimme a beat

A blue, whirling portal opens and Tomkos bearded head peers through it

Tomko: No.

Ahmed: Thanks, Tomko

The portal and Tomko disappears.

Phil: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Come oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!

Ahmed: No.

Ahmed disappears in a fizzle of blue sparks.

Mr. Dibbley: Gentlemen? WE. ARE--

Sal: SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Silence. Sal looks at them and grins. Brick punches him in the side of his temple, knocking him unconscious

Brick: Well, that’s done shut ‘m up for a few seconds.

Karab: Do we have a plan?

Robbie: Shoot that thing down?

Jericho: HOW?

Billy: What are helicopters weak against?

Robbie: Missiles.

Jericho: Gunfire.

Phil: Sheamus.

Silence. Everyone looks at Phil.

Jericho: Man, you’ve got serious fucking issues--

Vince: Never mind that shit, WE’VE GOT AHMED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Silence. The mercenaries look around, only to find no sign of the hulking Ahmed Johnson

Vince: Oh......shit.

Snake: DAMMMMMMMMMIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT!!!!!!!!

The Hind strafes across the platform, resorting to its Vulcan chain gun instead, firing across the platform. The mercenaries huddle tighter against the metal crate.

Jericho: FUCK THIS!

Jericho quickly slides out from behind the crate and gets to his feet, slamming them down and staring down the Hind which was no hovering in front of them. Jericho points a leather-gloved finger directly at Liquid

Jericho: OI! PUFF! STOP FUCKING SHOOTING, OKAY?!?!?!?!?!

Silence. Even Snake, who is on a set of concrete stairs to their right and loading a missile into his Stinger launcher, turns to face him.

Snake: That was....incredibly stupid.
Liquid: Ok then...DIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Liquid presses several buttons. A small rocket fires out and hits Jericho on the leg, hissing a small shower of purple sparks.

Jericho: Ouch.

Liquid: FOR GODS SAKE!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FUCKING ROCKETS?!?!?!

Johans Distant Voice: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiibaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!

Mr. Dibbley: God bless those crazy, Mexican men!

Mr. Dibbley salutes them with his flipper

Mr. Dibbley: GODSPEED!

Snake quickly stands up and whips around, turning to face the Hind

Snake; SAY CHEESE!!!!!!!

Liquid: Aw shit.

Brick quickly runs out from behind the container, holding Mr. Moneypennies tightly

Brick: Ready Snake dude?!

Mr. Moneypennies: SHEEIT DUDE!! I AIN’T DOING THIS SHIT!! LET SNAKE FIRE HIS MIZZY AT THE HINNY!!!!!

Brick: C’mon snake dude!

The Hind quickly strafes to the left as Snake fires the missile. That Other Random Guy quickly pulls Brick behind the container

Mr. Moneypennies: YOU FUCKING PSYCHO DAWG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Stinger missile simply misses as Liquid quickly lowers down, going underneath the Communication platform. Snake runs over to the railing and looks down.

Snake: OH HA HA YOU FUCKING COCKSUCKER!!!!!!!!

Karab: So, what now?

Bill: Cry?

Vince: Harakiri?

Steve: HARIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKARIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII?!?!?!?!

Phil: DID YOU RIKE IT?!?!?!?!??!!

Vince: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!

Dave: Oh my God, they’ve turned Japanese

Vince starts brushing his waist length purple hair

Vince: HIYAAAAA ARIO MUSAKI HICHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Silence.

Phil: ....Yeaaahhhh...

Vince: DAISU MEEAH ORUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

Vince stands up and karate chops the container. He stops and clutches his hand.

Vince: That....FUCKING HURT!!!!!!!!

Vinces purple hair collapses to the floor

Vince: MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!!!!!!!!!!

Billy: Thank fuck! You otaku fucks need to shut up and focus on whats killing u-

Sal turns around in red, black and golden plated samurai armour, complete with a wrinkled facemask and fake badger fur moustache over it

Sal: ODA DYNASTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Silence.

Dean: Can’t we just end this?

Silence.

Phil: Yeah, let’s fire this pistol at him!

Phil pulls out his SOCOM and waits.

Jericho: ..I don’t know if you were going to be sarcastic or something, but your comic execution is fucking shite.

Phil: SHUT THE FUCK UP JERRY!!!!!

The air pierces with the whipping sound of helicopter blades.

Vince: I think he’s got a –Get down

The mercenaries and Snake quickly dive to their stomach as the Hind flies fiercely over them, scattering snow and embers across the mercenaries. Robbie pulls out a World War II Luger and fires at the steel underbelly of the Hind, the bullets pinging off pathetically

Robbie: CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dave: Robbie! That shit won’t work!

Dean: Goddammit! We need firepower! KARAB?!

Karab stands to attention and salutes, clicking his heels.

Karab: SIR?!

Dean: Throw your shield at the Hind.

The mercenaries look at Dean as Snake scampers behind them, loading another missile into the tube of the Stinger

Snake: Don’t mind me.

Dean: Throw the Shield at the cockpit!

Karab: Sir....Wouldn’t that the be the actions of a massive retard?

Dean: It...might work

Sal: Indeedy-do

Jericho: Shut up, Sal!

Karab: Billy, you have a PSG1? You can shoot Liquid?

Billy looks at Karab and laughs

Billy: ....No. Not with how fast that things going.

Phil: TRY?!

Billy: FUCK! YOU!

Snake scampers out from behind them, aiming the Stinger. As the Hind flutters into view, it sprays off a few seconds of bullets before Snake fires. The missile spirals towards the Hind which quickly ducks below the platform. The missile explodes unseen.

Snake: Did it hit?

Silence. A loud hiss pierces the air.

Snake: ...Awww shit.

Phil: Bail.

The mercenaries run around, screaming in circles. The missile luckily hits the outcropping of the tower near the concrete steps, blowing to pieces. The scraping and creaking of metal girders and concrete pierces the air as the outcropping falls off.

Liquid: FUCK I MISSED!!!

Jericho: We need to destroy this bloody thing!

Moe the Midget: Yeah, I can totally pull an RPG out my ass.

Maurice: Ah probably could, but I didnah think of doing so. Could use a pizza though--

Silence.

Maurice: How come Phil can summon tah shite celebrities?!?!? I WANNA PIZZA!!!!!!

Phil: Think of a human, Maurice. I don’t think the Space-Time Continuum appreciates pepperoni pieces floating in it.

Sal: Well, if I was a powerful God who controlled it, I wouldn’t mind the odd scrap of cheese and pepperoni.

Phil: Well, you’re not a God, and you’re crazy, now shut up.

Silence. In a bright shine of blue light, a naked Paris Hilton appears

Hilton: Hello boyssssss...

Silence. She disappears just as quickly as she appeared. Maurice grins.

Maurice: Sweeeeet..

Sal:Me likey!

Billy: Nice ta-tas!

Jericho: Nice one, Maurice. BUT CAN WE FOCUS ON SWATTING THIS ANNOYING FLY?!?!?

Phil: Chuck Moe at it!

Silence.

Moe the Midget: Could work?

Mr. Dibbley: Not really, chaps. Not unless he smashed against the windscreen.

Phil: Killjoy..

Snake scampers behind them again, slipping another missile into the Stinger.

Dean: Jesus, we’ll be waiting forever for you to finish him!

Phil: Goddammit!

The sound of helicopter blades pierce the air as the Hind surfaces to the North.

Liquid: DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

The mercenaries quickly run out from behind the container and run in front of it, standing in front of the Hinds sights. They stare at the Hind.

Liquid: ....DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOU BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!

The mercenaries scream wildly. Karab pulls the pin out of one of his grenades and throws it at the Hind. It simply bounces off the glass.

Liquid: ....YOU CHIPPED THE GLASS!

Mr. DIbbley: Well? You’re trying to bloody well kill us!

Sal: Never mind that shit, HERE COMES MONGO!!

Silence.

Liquid; Whaaaaa?

Snake whips out from behind the container and fires the Stinger. The mercenaries quickly dive onto their stomach and the missile fires straight toward the Hind

Liquid: Bugger.
The missile collides with the right wing of the Hind, sending it spiralling out of control

Liquid: C'mon, fly!!!!!

Sal: And there goes Mongo!

The Hind starts to become consumed by bright orange flames, hungrily eating the wing

Liquid: Damn!! Snaaake!!

The Hind itself finally roars into a ball of flame.
Snake : See you in hell...Liquid. That takes care of the cremation.

Sal: I’ll have what she’s having!

Silence.

Phil: No, you’re supposed to say YIPPEE KIY AY MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Hind spirals out of control and explodes in a shower of purple, blue, red and golden sparks, accompanied by high-pitch whistles

Mercenaries: Ooooooooooo!!!

Several roman candles spin violently through the air as the Hind flutters in a fiery inferno into the yawning chasm below the tower

Mercenaries: Ahhhhhhhh!!!

They watch as several trails of smoke and fire shoot towards them

Mercenaries: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa??

Obese Maurice: Lads, I think we’re fahcked again.

Karab: Undoubtedly so.

Snake quickly patters behind them and runs through the door, turning to them.

Snake: MOVE IT!

Silence.

Sal: He..he...he’s holding the door open for us..

Sals eyes turn into anime-style and he’s surrounded by pink circles

Sal: Kawaii desu..

Jericho punches Sal in the face, turning him to normal

Sal: OW OW OW OW OW OW OWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

Jericho: Shut up, you Wapanese fuck!

Snake: That’s it, i’m leaving!

Phil: Woah woah! Hold on!

The mercenaries quickly rush after Snake

==*==

Lynch is busy sitting on the railing of the Communication Tower, picking fluff out of his bellybutton.

Lynch: Take the fucking time..
Snake climbs slowly down the ladder

Lynch: So…killed your brother?

Snake: Go fuck yourself..

Lynch: You wish, baby

Snake: Yeah, sure

Lynch: Where’s my men?

The mercenaries climb down the ladder

Sal: TEAM MERCENARY WINS!

Snake: Shut up, fuckers.

Bill: Does this mean we’re on your side now, Snake?

Snake: NO!

Mercenaries: Awwwww...

Lynch: Quiet, fags! MOVE, NOW!

Mercenaries: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

The mercenaries and Snake start their march down the winding stairs of the Communication Tower

Mr. Dibbley: Fuck these stairs!

Robbie: FUCK THEM TO HELL!!

That Other Random Guy: I’d rather not

Robbie pushes That Other Random Guy down the stairs, and he screams wildly as he bounces down the endless rows of concrete

Billy: EAT THAT ONE AMERICUNT!! YEAHHH!!

Billy jumps down a whole row of stairs

BillY: BOOYAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

==*==
The mercenaries are now back at the metal grid in front of the empty elevator. Snake is simply standing there, watching. A huge clunk is heard.

Jericho: Now arriving?

Drebins Voice: Shiiiiiiiit! Hang on!

Bill: NICE!

Snake gives a small grunt
Sal: What’s up?

Lynch: Damn faggot..

Bill: LEAVE SNAKEY ALONE!!

Moe the Midget: Gay.

Bill: Cunt.

Snake: Nothing..Apparently, the elevators moved by itself..The Maintenance is across from the Snowfield…And apparently, there is where they hold REX..
Lynch: Well, looks like we got a challenge to meet, Snake.

Snake: Speak for yourself, I’m destroying it!

Sal: He’s got a point, LYNCH. Cough COUGH!

Silence. Snake turns to Sal.

Snake: Fucking weirdo.

Bill: He is, isn’t he?

Snake: YOU ALL ARE!

Mr. Dibbley: Quack.

Snake stares at Dibbley

Snake: And you especially, penguin guy....Jesus...I guess those meds Naomi gave me are fucking strong..

That Other Random Guy: Feeling high?

Snake: Shut the fuck up..

Drebins Voice: ELEVATOR IS HERE BITCHES!!!!!!!!!

Snake walks into the elevator and turns to the mercenaries

Snake: There’s a weight limit of six hundred and fifty pounds..So i’m guessing another three of you can get on?

Lynch walks into the elevator of Snake.

Lynch: I get the honor, titwanks.

Phil: Cunt.

Jericho: Asshole.

Maurice: Fucka.

Billy: Twat.

Lynch: Two more...Who weights under a hundred?

No-one raises their hand.

Lynch: Obviously. Anyone under two hundred?

Moe walks onto the elevator, followed by Sal. Lynch turns to Sal and sniggers.

Lynch: Bullshit.

Sal: ....QUICK!!!!!

Sal presses a button repeatedly and the elevator starts going down.

Dean: Charming man.

That Other Random Guy: Hang on..WHAT weight limit? Someone get Otacon on the dog and bone!

Silence.

That Other Random Guy: You know…Phone? Cockney rhyming slang?

Jericho: You’re American. Let me never, EVER hear you use rhyming slang ever again, unless you don’t value your balls.

Sal sniggers.

Jericho: What?

Sal: Do you value *Beep*s balls?

The mercenaries burst out laughing.

Jericho: FUCK YOU!

The elevator clunks as it reaches the bottom.

Phil: Ok, I nominate me, Bill, Brick and *Beep* for the next ride, mainly because Jericho smells and I don’t want him valuing *Beeps* balls

The mercenaries burst out laughing. Jericho lunges forward, but several mercenaries quickly hold him back as a bubble of chatter bursts out.

Phil: CALM BITCH!

Jericho: PUNCH ME! PLEASE! I WANT TO FUCK YOU UP!

Dave: QUIET FAGGOTS!

A small beep is heard.

Drebins Voice: Hark on, fags!

Phil, Bill, Brick and That Other Random Guy step on. As Phil steps on, Jericho attempts to kick his legs, but Phil quickly hops into the middle of the elevator, opening his arms to Jericho

Phil: HAHA!

Jericho lunges and Phil screams, pounding the button to shut the gate. The gate slams shut and the elevator starts to slowly go down.
Bill: Alright..here we go..
Silence. The mercenaries look around. Phils arm goes back slightly.

Phil: Fuck off, Bill

Bill: What?

Phil: You nudged me, right?

Bill: Uhh…No?
Phil: I swear someone nudged me

Silence. Phils arm goes back again.

Phil: SON OF A BITCH! STOP TOUCHING ME!

Brick: Goddammit! Shut up!

Silence.

Phil: I swear--

Bill: NO-ONES TOUCHING YOU!!!!!

The elevator comes to a halt at the bottom floor. Phil, Bill, Brick and That Other Random Guy step off, greeting Lynch, Moe the Midget and Sal.

The elevator reaches the top floor, and Billy cricks his neck

Billy: Alright..Time..FOR GOING DOWN!!

As the grate parts, Billy runs on, jogging on the spot in the middle of the elevator

Billy: YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH SCOTLAND!!!

Dave sighs and slowly walks on.

Dave: Great..

Robbie quickly follows Dave, who is followed by Mr. Dibbley.

Mr. Dibbley: And off we go, chappies!

The elevator grates slam shut and the elevator starts going down.

Drebin: Sheeeeeiiitttt...You lot are heavy!

Dave: There’s only four of us.

Silence. Robbie quickly draws his pistol and looks around.

Robbie: WHOFUCKINGTOUCHEDME?!?!?!?

Silence.

Billy: Dude, no-one, you tripping?

Robbie: ...I thought someone fucking touched me.

Billy: THERE’S NO-ONE BUT US!!

Robbie: SOMEONE TOUCHED ME!!

Mr. Dibbley: Listen, chap, it’s us here, no-one else.

Dave: See?! NOW CALM DOWN!!

The elevator reaches the bottom of the shaft and the gates part. Dave quickly kicks Robbie off using the sole of his boot

Dave: Move it, crazy fuck!

Once again, the elevator hits the top floor. Next for the elevator are Dean, Karab, Vince and Jericho. They step on, and the elevator goes down. Jericho clasps his hands across his waist.

Dean: So....anyone read any good books?

Silence. Jericho swings an arm, connecting with something heavy..despite connecting with supposedly thin air. Deans eyes widen.

Dean: Dude, you knocked out air..you know what that means..

Vince: JERICHO PUNCHED JESUS!!

Silence. The sound of groaning.

Karab: Nice!

Dean: ....There must be...stealth suits on here?

Silence. Sound of shuffling feet.

Vince: THERE IS! How do we see them?

Vince squints repeatedly, only to be smashed in the jaw with the butt of a FAMAS

Vince: FUCK ME!!

Karab: We need the power to see!

Vince spits out a tooth and points to the sky

Vince: DISCO!!!!!!!!!!

Drebins Voice: Yeaaahhhh!! WELCOME TO DA PARDY!!!!!

The lights go out and a disco ball slowly floats down from the ceiling. The elevator starts to become covered with squares of light as UV lights start flashing, exposing four figures: Each of them a bright purple

Guard One: JEHSUS CHWOIST!!! WE BEEN EXPOSED!!

Jericho stares at the guard and punches him square in the jaw. The other three jump on his back as “Thunderstruck” by AC/DC starts playing

Jericho: HELP!!!!!!!

Dean looks around, aiming his FAMAS. Jericho swings around towards him

Jericho: DON’T SHOOT YOU CRAZY FUCK! USE FISTICUFFS!!

The elevator shudders to a halt.

Drebins Voice: Sheeeeit guys! I can’t move with all this action and weight!

Back at the bottom of the shaft, The mercenaries are watching the gates, growing increasingly impatient.

Lynch: COME ON YOU FUCKING NOBS!!

Lynch turns and punches the right-hand wall so violently it cracks beneath his fist.

Sal: Woah! Calm!

Billy: Pfft. I could do that with my cock!

Lynch screams primally

Lynch: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!!!!!!!

Bill: I wonder where Frank, Will and Bob are, anyway?

That Other Random Guy: Making love? WHO GIVES A SHIT!

Phil: Come o--

A scream pierces the air, followed by a sickening crack in front of them. A shower of sparks floods across the floor, as well as a pool of blood. A dead guard, whose skull now resembles a caved-in watermelon with flesh sprayed everywhere, appears in front of them. The mercenaries look up the wall

Moe the Midget: The fuck are they doing in there?

In the elevator, Dean and Karab look over the railing and hi-5

Dean: PERFECTAMUNDO!

A guard quickly jumps onto Deans back, locking him in a headlock. Dean starts coughing wildly, only for Vince to smash his fists into the guards back. The guard grunts in pain and lets go, leaning against the railing. Vince and Karab look at eachother, nod, and punch the guard clean over the railing. As soon as the guard goes over the railing, the elevator grinds roughly and starts going down to its destination. Vince and Karab hi-5 as they hear a sickening crunch below them.

Mercenaries On Bottom Floor: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!

Karab: SUH-WEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!

Jericho quickly throws the other two guards off him. One squares up to him, but he nails a perfect jab to the guards kidney. The guard falls to his knees and looks up at Jericho, who quickly throws a snapping uppercut, knocking the guard clean out as the elevator hits the bottom floor, the lights still out and music still playing. Jericho, Dean, KArab and Vince walk out, stepping over the two guards corpses at the bottom of the shaft and nodding at the mercenaries

Vince: Good day.

Sal: Have fun?

Jericho: Yup, some ponces in stealth suits, nothing we couldn’t handle.

Robbie looks at Dave, swinging the butt of his Ruger into Daves stomach. Dave doubles over, coughing

Dave: WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

Robbie: I TOLD YOU! I FUCKING TOLD YOU!

And finally, one mercenary was left. As the gates part at the top floor, Obese Maurice steps on by himself, looking up at the disco ball and shaking his head

Maurice: Fecking crazy..

The gates shut and the elevator groans, slowly making its way down the chasm, “Can’t Stop The Rock” by Freestylers playing.

Maurice: Jesus Christ..

The UV lights switch on and Maurice looks down at the two purple forms laying on the floor, shaking his head.

Maurice: Fucking nuts..

One of the forms slowly gets to one knee, punching Maurice in his massive gut. The fist simply bounces off, and Maurice looks down at him, growling loudly

Guard One: ...Awww chwoist..

Maurice puts both his arms under his massive gut and lifts it above the guards head.

Guard One: ...Parley?..

Maurice drops his gut, caving the guards head into his spine, killing him instantly. Maurice rubs the blood and brain matter off his white uniform

Maurice: Fecking bastard..Fecking tough to get ta blood stains off whites, like!

The elevator grinds to a halt at the bottom of the shaft

Drebins Voice: DONE! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE! I’m busy watching porn!

Maurice shakes his head and steps over the corpses. Phil points at the red stain on Maurices gut.

Phil: Gut crush?

Maurice: Gut crush.

Maurice holds his hands out and Phil gives it 5

Phil: Nice work, big man.

Lynch: SHUT UP! NO TALKING! ON TO THE SNOWFIELD!

Lynch turns around, snapping his heels and marching them along the empty, blue-tinted coridoor.

Lynch: LEFT! RIGHT! LEFT! RIGHT! LEFT! RIGHT!

Billy: Cunt! Twat! Cunt! Twat!

Jericho: Dick! Head! Dick! Head!

Lynch ignores them, turning right around the L-corner and snapping his heels again, walking towards a level 6 security door.

Lynch: COMPANY! HALT!

The mercenaries, grumbling amongst themselves, stop before the door.

Lynch: DAVE! GUN!

Dave pulls out his FAMAS, emptying some bullets into the control panel, causing the door to fly open.

Mercenaries: FUCK!!!

The blizzard at ground level was much more horrendous than it was on top of the platform of Communication Tower B. When they opened the door, they were greeted by nothing but a white blanket: Nothing could be seen outside, and to make matters worse, the blizzard was spraying thick globules of snow into their faces. The mercenaries instinctively shut their eyes, reaching for their old white ski masks in their pockets, pulling them on their faces.Mr. Dibbley sniggers and pulls down his pilots goggles over his eyes

Mr. Dibbley: THIS IS MY FIELD OF BATTLE, LADDIES!!

Billy: Lucky twat

Moe the Midget: Damn penguin.

Lynch: MEN?!?!? YOU ALL ALRIGHT?!?!?

Silence.

Sal: I CAN’T SEE SHIT!

Brick: Dumbass.

Brick grabs Sal mask and twists, Sal blinks rapidly

Sal: Ah, I see now!

Brick slaps him around the head.

Phil: Mmm..bit chilly, me thinks!

Jericho: A bi—A BIT CHILLY?!?!?!

Dave: Like saying hells a bit on the warm side

Phil: Quiet, pussies! It’s a blizzard! We English suffer far worse!

Billy: Try living in Scotland during winter, then we’ll talk!

Lynch: ONWARDS!
The mercenaries, heads bowed, walk against the ferocity of the blizzard and snow, and out into the snowfield. They simply stand there, unable to see anything: The fierce winds, accompanied by thick sir, made it impossible to see more than a foot away.

Dave: After being in there.....God, my balls are sweating like FUCK!

The phrase echoes throughout the snowfield. Everyone turns to Dave.

Dave: MY BALLS ARE SWEATING FROM THAT WALKING!

Silence.

Sniper Wolfs Voice (Indistinct) Shut the fuck up! He’ll know you’re here!

Phil: You guys hear that?

Billy: Nope, nada.

Mr. Dibbley: Did you guys hear THAT?

Mercenaries: Hear WHAT?!

Silence.

Mr. Dibbley: Exactly! There’s nothing to hear! We’re dead again!

Robbie: Well, I can’t smell barbecue, so no. We’re not.

Silence.

Phil: It’s pretty quiet, though. I expected like..a big ferocious gun battle totally going on here.

Dave: So where’s Snake?

Dean: For the record, I can’t see five feet in front of me. Who knows where that cunt is?

Sniper Wolfs Voice (Still Indistinct) There’s something else here! Get down!

Phil spits out a mouthful of snow.

Phil: Mm…tangy. Anyone got some OJ?

Jericho: Now why would we have that?

Sal: Oh God, great idea…Snowcones! Nothing would take the edge of our tempers and Daves Sweaty Ballsack quite like a snow cone!

Dean: For the love of God, cease and desist with the mentions of Daves sweaty flesh sack.

Vince: I thought we were talking about his ball sack, not Dave himself.

The mercenaries burst out laughing

Dave: Fuck off, all of you! Vince, where the fuck are you?

Vince: I’m where you can’t see me!

Dave swings his fist in a random direction, hitting something fleshy. Maurice growls.

Maurice: GET OFF MAH BELLY!!!!!!!!!

Mercenaries: Woah! Woah!

Sal: Calm down, Maurice!

Moe: Aye, calm down, Wor Maur!

Maurice: I can’t see tha fuckeh! I’ll nut ya when I do though, Dave!

Snakes Voice: Guys, what the FUCK are you all doing OUT HERE?!?!?

Silence.

Dean: I totally heard a cunt yell.

Phil: What does a cunt yell sound like?

Jericho: Like this.

Jericho swings his fist backwards behind him. The fist simply swings into the air.

Phil: Ee, Jericho, were you trying to go for the ol’ Thai capital lark?

Vince: Whats the capital of Thailand?

Silence.

Bill: You fucking uneducated--You can’t be serious.

Vince: So you know, Bill?

Bill: Yeah, it’s Bang--

Vince: COCK!!!

Vince swings his fist forward and Bill squeals loudly. The mercenaries look around, seeing nothing but a white haze.

Phil: Is someone dead?

Bill: MY BALLS!!!!!!!!! MY BEAUTIFUL BALLS!!!!!!!!!!

Dave: Too much information.

Bill: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!! MY FUCKING JEWELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sniper Wolfs Voice (STILL Indistinct) Shut up you cunts and get inside! I think Snakes here!

That Other Random Guy: Anyone else hear that?

Dean: No...Not really. Fuck it’s cold.

Jericho: OF COURSE IT IS! IT’S A FUCKING BLIZZARD CUNT-TARD!

Silence.

Billy: State the fucking obvious. It’s actually sunny.

Jericho: If I could see you, Scot-tard, I would jam my fist into your throat and pull out your GODDAMN WINDPIPE!

Mr. Dibbley: Charming man.

Karab: I’m hungry.

Brick: My feet hurt.

Bill: Daves balls smell funny.

Silence.

Dave: Dude, whats your head doing near my crotch?

Bill: I’m applying snow to my swelling gonads fuckface! FUCKING VINCE!

Vince: Ha HA! Beat that, fuckface.

Phil: ..Why are we still standing here? Aren’t we supposed to be somewhere?

Jericho: Huh...We’re supposed to be at the Blast Furnace? Doesn’t Sniper Wolf get killed here?

Sniper Wolfs Voice (Still indistinct) WHAT?!

Robbie: We can’t see shit!

Lynch: Men, MOVE!

Phil; Hey, Lynch, you’re back! ...Where did you go?

Lynch: I went to unleash my man hose on a tree.

Silence.

Moe the Midget: HA! Man hose.

Lynch: Want to see, little man? It’s the size of your mother!

The mercenaries burst out laughing

Moe: And mines the size FOR your mother!

The mercenaries start laughing louder, quickly gasping for air as they inadvertently gulp mouthfuls of icy snow.

Karab: OW!!!!! OWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

Maurice: Did-na taste that nice lads!


Mr. Dibbley: Tasted fine to me!

Brick: Cause you’re a penguin! You eat snow!

Silence.

Mr. Dibbley: Technically, I don’t..I’m just used to it...Well, I was--

Sal: SAL NO COMPRENDE!!

Silence.

Billy: Dickhead. Nice one interrupting Dibbleys bit.

Mr. Dibbley: Whatever, chaps..Whatever. At least I can see........I can’t. Fucking FUCK!!

Silence. Karab starts giggling.

Dean: Karab, the fuck?

Lynch: Hey, Pakifag, stop laughing.

Karab: Screw you, milkybar, Somethings.....IT’S WET!

Karab starts laughing as the mercenaries slowly and blindly walk into random directions

Dave: Must...walk..away..too..disturbing..

Lynch: GAH! THATS COLD!

Jericho: IT’S A FUCKING BLIZZARD!!!

Lynch leans down and grabs something soft and fluffy, which immediately growls at him. Doing his best to open his eyes, Lynch squints

Lynch: Awww...A wolf. Great.

Lynch drops it and the mercenaries start to spread out more.

Karab: HEHEHEHEHEEHHEEEE!!! IT TICKLES!!

Robbie: Freak..

Silence. The sound of heavy panting and puffing. The mercenaries stand deathly still.

Vince: Anyone else hear that?

Silence.

Phil: Your imagination?

Sniper Wolfs Voice (Indistinct) GET AWAY! GET AWAY! IT’S A SECRET WEAPON!

Moe the Midget: I totally heard the words secret and weapon!

Something huge and fast blazes past them, so fast, in fact, that it scatters the wind and snow, allowing the mercenaries a clear view of the surroundings.

Or at least, what one could see of the surroundings. Apart from various, cold grey rocky outcroppings situated around the blanket of white, there was very little around. The mercenaries looked around. They had barely got 5 steps away from their peers, and we safely situated in the shadow of the Communication Tower. The area around them was surrounded by emerald trees dusted heavily with thick, white snow, and a large, grey wire fence was situated around the perimeter to prevent entrance or exit. To the West were two small grey buildings, impossible to note their importance or level required for entrance thanks to the light dusting of snow that still fell as the blizzard started to subside slightly. There were three or four to the North, once again, difficult to see thanks to the light dusting of snow that continued falling. The mercenaries looked to their right: Behind a rocky outcropping near them was the muscular, grey form of Snake in his Sneaking Suit, looking at them as he clutched his large PSG1 Sniper Rifle

Dave: FUCKING TURNCOAT--

Dave went straight towards Snake, but Lynch grabbed him. Snake simply watched, his mouth slightly agape.

Snake: Uhh..guys...I’m...glad you’re here..

Vince: SO YOU CAN LEAVE US TO DIE AGAIN?!

Snake: No..

Something huge and fast zips behind them. The mercenaries turn around, but it’s too quick for them to comprehend. They look around rapidly.

Brick: Ahhhh shit.

Mr.Moneypennies: Awwww..sheeit guys! I KNOW WHAT DIS SHIT IS!!!!!!

Brick: What is it, Snake dude?!

Snake: I don’t know!

Lynch: HE WAS TALKING TO A REAL SNAKE!!!!

Bill: Dammit dammit dammit DAMMIT where are the others?!

Silence. Jerichos eyes widen and his mouth agapes slightly.

Jericho: .......Ahhhhhh........Ahhhhhh...Ah shit.

Lynch: What?!

Sniper Wolfs voice (Now clear): GET INSIDE! GET INSIDE! GET INSIDE! IT’LL CATCH YOUR SCENT!

Phil: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU----

A stream of snow flies across them as something heavy skids across the snow. Just several feet away stood the form of Crying Wolf, back in her quadraped battle suit, tail swaying back and forth as the muzzle of the suit pointed at them intently.

Phil: I spot a massive paradox, anyone else see it?

The mercenaries raise their hands.

Lynch: .....You guys..do realise we can’t let it kill Snake, right?

Mercenaries: Awwwww shit.

Lynch: Yup, we’re back in business fellas.

Phil: I wish we waited another 6 months..

Sal: I don’t like this!

Mr. Dibbley: ME NEITHER!

The wolf rears onto its hind legs and emits a piercing howl. Snake watches, huddled against the rock

Snake: I can’t see it, It can’t see me, I CAN’T SEE IT, IT CAN’T SEE ME!!

Wolf turns to the rock which Snake is laying behind and sniffs the ground before howling loudly.

Snake: HOLY MOTHER!!

Snake jumps to his feet, only for a rifle shot to ring out. Snake rolls forward in the snow, the bullet barely missing him. Sniper Wolf curses loudly, before Snake turns to the outcropping

Snake: MY RIFLE!

Vince: YOU DROPPED IT?!

Jericho: YOU USELESS PONCE!!!!!!!!!!

Dave: WE NEED FIREPOWER!!

Obese Maurice: WE’RE FECKING DOOMED!!!!!!!!!!!

Karab: LEROOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.....JENKIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!!!!!!!!

Phil: SAVE US SUPERMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wolf turns to them, howling loudly.

Lynch: READY?!?!?!

Silence. Lynch turns to watch as the mercenaries scatter and run as fast as they can to different points of the field. Lynch grinds his teeth and punches his open palm violently

Lynch: Alright, Wolfy...IT’S CLOBBERING TIME!!!!!!

Daves Voice: We’re getting a lawsuit!

Wolf charges at Lynch, who charges at Wolf. Wolf skids to a halt in front of him as Lynch pulls back his fist, lightning radiating from his clenched fist as “Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor stars playing

COMING SOON: Part XII
It’s a warzone now! As Lynch resorts to Queensbury Rules to deal with Crying Wolf, the Mercenaries now have their six month hiatus broken by the need to protect Snake! With the end looming ever closer, the mercenaries can’t afford to let another paradox kill Snake, but can they protect him long enough to destroy Metal Gear REX? Tune in next time (Whenever that even might be) to see Clobberin’ Time, Kentucky Fried Guards, Brain Hankies, and Massive Black Men