Sunday, 22 November 2009

Chapter VII - Capturing The Snake

The scene opens up with our klutzes, standing in front of what seems to be a sealed off area. A quick glance to the bottom left, and to the shield over Wills crotch shows that once again, “Mr. Black and Decker” has drilled them a safe passageway. The room/cavern in which they are all huddled in is absolutely tiny compared to the amount of people in it. The southern half is completely rock, dashed with white veins of snow and green streaks of mould with the rock, while the Northern half, looking almost unfinished, consists of gray steel tiles neatly slotted onto the rocky floor: These tiles also beckon steel walls across the northern half of the small room, dead ahead, at directly North, stands a Level 5 Security Door, which has been battered by the wolves claws and snowy winds.


Well, since we last left them, they managed to run away from them successfully…..with a price.

The Mercenaries are all breathing heavily, doubled over with hands on knees. Sal is sobbing wildly, rubbing off a white goo from his leg


Will is shaking, his arms wrapped around himself, his legs covered in the white goo

Will: I have been..SOILED!

Lynch G-good running m-men..

Phil: As always..As always..

Robbie is leaning against a wall, eyes wide

Robbie: They took my INNOCENCE!

Will: Don’t kid yourself..your innocence has been long lost..

Maurice: Nice running, Moe..managed to avoid a face-humping!

Moe shivers violently

Moe: My first thoughts were “NOT THE FACE!” and so..ZOOM!

Mr. Dibbley waddles past Moe and Maurice who are sitting against the steel wall panels

Mr. Dibbley: Haha! I managed to evade those dastardly wolves since I am an entirely different species!

Jericho tries to light up a cigar, which itself has frozen solid within Jerichos trench coat pocket. He throws it down and stomps on it, looking at Mr. Dibbley

Jericho: Oi, Pingu, you’re flippers bleeding

Mr. Dibbley looks down at his right flipper, which has been scratched to a bloody pulp

Mr. Dibbley: Oh…..Ohhhh…Ohhhhh twat.

That Other Random Guy: Aye..and our Medic ain’t even here…EH, Fraaaaank?!?!

Frank: *Beep*, don’t you have something better to do…like, rape men?

That Other Random Guy: YOU SUCK!

Bob: For the love of fu--Out the way! I’ll help ya, Dibbley..

Bob tears off the cuff of the right arm of his uniform and starts to bandage Dibbleys flipper.


Sound of panting and howling. A lone, gray wolf trots into the small cavern with a lit cigar between it’s teeth, smiling happily and slowly trotting towards Billy. Billy stamps his foot on the rock towards the wolf, which stops suddenly


Vince: Jeez, calm down Billy-


Bill: Woah, Billy..The RSPCA would be on our ass if you-


Billy points at the wolf, tearing off his white uniform shirt and black combat vest, flexing his biceps


Lynch: How about y-you all stop fucking around and we continue this mission, huh?


Moe: f-fucking cold..

Maurice spits on the floor and it shatters as ice

Maurice: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

Frank: M-men! Onwards!

Phil, Steve, Dave, Bob, Sal, Dean and Karab are all huddled close to each other, their weapons in the middle of them, the recently-fired barrels to deter the wolves providing a little heat.

Dean: Is it just me, or is this looking incredibly gay?

Bob: Sticking our barrels against each other…Definitely homo-erotic..

Karab: Well, at least it is the guns..

Dean: Too cold to think of anything else, my man..Wish I knew where the fuck Sammy got to..

Phil: Awwww…miss your ickle brother?

Dean: Fuck you!

Robbie: Gay.

Billy and the wolf are now circling each other, shaking their fists. The wolf is on its hind-legs, circling Billy

Billy: G’wan! You throw the first punch!


A small wolf pup runs in, nothing more than a small bundle of fur with a tiny muzzle and a wet nose. It sits down and looks up at Bill with it’s glistening amber eyes, a small pout to its lips

Pup: Ruuu?

Bill looks down at the pup

Bill: o.O….

Pup: Ruuu..myu..

Bills left eye twitches

Pup: Ruuuuuu…


Frank: Can we Lynch? CAN WE?! CAN WE?!

Lynch facepalms

Lynch: This can NOT be happening!

Mr. Moneypennies crawls out of Bricks pocket, wearing a mini beanie on his head

Mr. Moneypennies: Sheeeit! Look at that cuties eyes!

Pup: Mrrrruuuu..

Ivan: Must….vesist…CUTENESS!

Dave: What are we all looking at?

Dave looks down at the pup, who’s gaze immediately shoots towards him. Daves eyes glass over and he jumps down near the pup, stroking its head

Dave: Hooja booga booga! HOOJA!!!

Ivan: Vell, Daves lost it.

Robbie jumps down, joining Dave


Sound of a door sliding open.

Lynch: I WILL go without you cunts!

The mercenaries all moan

Moe: Kill-joy!

Maurice: Ya tell him Moe..ya tell him..

Lynch: Now!

The mercenaries all groan and pick up their weapons, shouldering them and holding them at the ready.

Jericho: Twat.

In single file, the Mercenaries follow Lynch out of the door. Billy simply stares at the wolf

Billy: Next time, fucker!

Billy leans down, picking his PSG1 Sniper rifle up from the floor and strapping it to his bare back

Billy: GRAR!!!!!

The wolf sniggers, and Billy turns around, walking out of the door.

Bob: All done, Dibbley..You good?

Dibbley: Ready for anything..Thank you, old bean!

Mr. Dibbley pats his “waist” belt, more specifically the Walter P38

Bob: C’mon..Let’s go

They both walk through the door to join the mercenaries, plunging the small cavern back into semi-darkness.

Still silence.

The door shoots open and Dave and Robbie run in. Dave grabs the wolf-pup and cradles it between his arms

Dave: Booja wooja! You’re coming with Daddy!

Dave looks around as to where to place the wolf-pup. He looks at Robbies gray German officer uniforms and grins.

Dave: Robbie, Pocket?

Robbie unbuttons his left breast pocket and opens it. Dave slowly places the pup in the pocket, and it curls up inside


They turn around and head towards the door, only for the fully-grown Wolf to growl loudly. Robbie turns towards it.

Robbie: Wait for us in the Snowfield, my sharne!

The wolf seemingly understands: It’s head nods slightly and it quickly dashes through the gap in the wall, before Robbie and Dave enter through the door.
The mercenaries are lined up against the Southern wall, staying away from a pile of gray plaster dust that has pooled a few inches away from them. Ahead of them is a looming coridoor: Tall. Long. Coloured a cold, unforgiving gray, with spatters of green mold across it. Lights line the bottom of the walls, shining up cold beams of neon light halfway up the wall, giving it the appearance of prison bars. At the end of the coridoor looms a huge series of intimidating steel girders in triangle-style shapes. Below which sit’s a lone catwalk, bisected by a lone concrete pillar situated to the near-left of the field of vision the tight passage allows. One can just about make out a lone figure, clad in green and wearing a black ammo belt with green leggings tucked into black boots. Her shirt is unbuttoned at the top, revealing an ample cleavage, her blonde hair falling over her face and gunmetal-gray PSG1 Sniper Rifle…Sniper Wolf.

She watches the Mercenaries she can see lined up against the Southern wall: Bob, Dave, Robbie, Lynch and Frank, through the scope of her PSG1 Rifle, under whelmed to see them staring at the downed body of Meryl, who has deep black wounds in her arms and chest, scarlet blood crying out from the wounds, several blood pools spattered onto the cold floor by her left leg, right arm and near her chest.
After staring for a few minutes, Lynch opens his mouth

Lynch: Huh..We always miss the good stuff

Dave: You got that right..

Jericho: Nasty mess, there..

Sniper Wolf sighs and stands up, coming into their clear view. They look at her and wave, smiling.


Sal: So RUDE!

Vince: No problem, ya bitch!

Ivan: Vatever lady..

Robbie: Yeah! You and which army!!


Robbie: ....Oh. THAT army

Jericho steps forward--


Jericho: Ahh..

Ivan: Ze fucking Claymores!

Wolf: vell! Move around! I can’t exactly move ze body myself, Can I?!


Jericho: Move…the body.

Phil: Are you fucking serious?

Silence. Sound of the rifles bolt-action clicking into place.

Phil: …Yeah, she’s pretty serious

Wolf: ….Are you idiots launching an insurrextion?!

Billy: Insurrextion?

Vince: I think it means “Being bad”

Brick: I’ve been to Taco Bell, I think you’ll find it comes with the Burritos

Mercenaries : Mmmmmm…Burritos..


Lynch takes a step forward, making sure not to walk into a claymore

Lynch: Hey! Lady! When we signed up, we were only contracted to shoot intruders on sight, NOT move dead bodies!

Wolf: Van, she’s not dead! If you care to look closely, you can see she’s BREATHING!

Silence. The mercenaries look over at Meryl, who’s chest is clearly moving in and out, indicating shallow, but steady breathing

Brick: Well I’ll be damned!

That Other Random Guy: A shot to the chest and she’s still ticking!

Wolf: TWO! You idiots only joined on basis of payment! You do anything! ANYTHING!


Will: She’s got us there.

Dean: Who signed the contracts?!

Everyone looks at Frank, who lowers his head.


They shower Frank in random items, including toilet roll, a rotten egg, Dean smashes a Ming Vase over Franks back, and Phil even throws a kitten at Franks face. Frank screams, running around the small place as the kitten clings to his face, hissing as it claws him

Lynch: Nice going, Nolastname, I like the way it’s making him even uglier

Will: My God, I never knew it was possible!


Lynch: Ok! Ok! Alright!

Lynch looks down at her body

Lynch: But you said there’s Claymores!


Lynch and Frank look down at a series of footprints imprinted into the gray plaster dust that has been left over the Claymore area

Frank: Oooo! How handy!


Vince: Ok! Bitch.

Starting with Will, who is at the far right, the mercenaries place their backs to the wall and slowly inch across the edge of the dust like a slow snake.

Karab: Slowly..slowly..

Ivan: Yes…very slow..

By the time they make their way into the main coridoor, Wolf is beside Meryls body, arms folded, her PSG1 strapped comfortable to her back. She stares at them as Maurice and Sal make their ways from the slow snake and into the coridoor

Sal: Cool! We’re he--LOOK AT THOSE TITS!

Sal points down at Wolfs cleavage, mouth open. Wills eyes, sure enough, stare down at her large breasts, showing a deep cleavage

Will: Wanna get a drink, twins?

Wolf folds her arms over her chest

Wolf: No.

Will: A…a bite to eat?

Wolf: No.

Lynch: Ok, stop gawping lads……but those sure are some nice titties..


Mr. Dibbley: I see nipples.

Wolf looks up in shock, either from embarassment or seeing a talking Emperor Penguin. Phil, Dave, Bob, Dean and Karab walk over to Dibbley, looking exactly where he is


Dean: it cold in here?!

Karab: That could cut glass-

Wolf: EYES UP NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everyones head snaps up to look at Wolf. Phil cries out, clutching his neck


Bob grabs the sides of his neck and cracks it. Phil cricks his neck from side to side

Phil: Thanks, Bobby-boy

Bob: Don’t mention it

Dave: Ok Mrs. Tits..I MEAN! Sniper Wolf! What do you want?

Wolf: Are you still staring?


Steve: I’m not

Wolf: YOU are sweating!

Steve shakes his head

Steve: Sorry boob--I mean! Wolf!

Wolf: Ok then, you two

She nods at Steve and Dave

Wolf: Lift ze body..all of you, follow me

Steve grabs Meryls legs, while Dave lifts the legs

Frank: Under the thumb, guys?

Jericho: Have you SEEN that rack?!?!?!

Dean: It’s how I like ‘em…Big!

Brick: You could park a car between those babies!

Wolf: FUCK! NOW!

Dave and Steve rush along, Steve drops Meryls head and it smashes off the floor

Meryl: Owwwwwwww..

Steve: Whoops! My bad!

The mercenaries follow Wolf up the coridoor, turning right and past the set of steel steps which lead up to the catwalk. Behind a large pillar with snow and ice leaning majestically off it’s small support girders stands a Level 6 Security Door, beckoning them. Wolf walks forward, and the door slides open

Wolf: You bastards..hide ze body here..There’ll be some guys along to take care of her...But I want you guys here..

Frank: Why, hooty?

Wolf: …It’ll take some time to get him back to ze Torture Room


Karab: Fuck.

Wolf: Vat?

Lynch: He sneezed. We’ll do it.

Wolf: Ok..I need 5 of you up here with me, hiding to make sure he’s at least held at gunpoint when he comes past

Lynch: Ok..

Wolf: Vich of you money are psychotic?

Lynch: All of them.


Wolf: Veally?

Bill: Uh we do kind know..Kill. For. Cash.

Lynch: Add the fact we hired a penguin who speaks the Queens English.

Mr. Dibbley: Charmed.

Wolf stares at Mr. Dibbley before shaking her head

Lynch: And a midget

Wolf looks down at Moe, who is busy staring up at her

Wolf: Where is he?

Moe: All I see is tits, Maurice! No face! ……PERFECT WOMAN!

Maurice: Good on ya, lad..But lets try not be sexist, yeah?

Wolf: ….Fair enough..

Lynch: And we want paying for this! IN HAND!

Wolf: Fool! I am not ze treasurer! Take it up with Liquid!

Lynch: Let him know we want one hundred dollars EACH when we get the heavy bastard to the Torture Room

Wolf: Son of a-

Frank: Money first. Bitches later.

Steve: Notes before Hos!

Steve and Phil bump fists

Wolf: FINE! You’ll get ze money!

Lynch: Then call.

Wolf: Bu--

Lynch: NOW.

Wolf: Take it up with Liquid when we get back there! Now! Your psychos!

Lynch: Phil, Dave, Robbie, Ivan, Sal…All of you, follow the lady..

Phil: Anything for Miss Hooty here..

They walk out into the coridoor again, and the door slides shut in front of the other mercenaries. She leads them up the metal steps and onto the catwalk, pointing at three stacked cardboard boxes safely stacked behind the large pillar

Wolf: Take zem.

The crazy mercenaries look at each other

Wolf: NOW!

They all quickly huddle behind the large steel pillar, taking the boxes. The sound of a door sliding open fills the air. Wolf quickly dives onto her stomach and readies her rifle, placing the edge of the rifle oover the catwalks edge, staring down the scope

Wolf: DO IT!

A shot whistles out and the bullet hit’s the behind wall near the mercenaries. They look at the smoking bullet hole.

Robbie: Snake means business!

Robbie quickly grabs his box and shoves it over his head, sliding to the side and huddling against the northern wall. Ivan, Sal, Phil and Dave look at each other

Ivan: Vucking’re sharing boxes..

Wolf fires off a quick shot, only for a reply to meet it, grazing her shoulder

Wolf: SHIT!

Ivan quickly pulls the box over his head and sits down. Dave lifts the box up.

Dave: Heyyyy box buddy!

Ivan: VUCK! NO-

Dave gets in the box and quickly lowers it to the floor. Phil and Sal look at each other, lifting the box up and dropping it over themselves, sitting on the floor. As they quickly slide along the floor next to Robbies box, another shot rings out, thumping against the wall above the box


Robbie: Ssssshhhhh! We’re going incognito!

Dave: This is so fucking stupid

Another shot rings out and Wolf cries out as it hits her square in the shoulder


She rolls onto her back behind the pillar, and Snake starts to run up the coridoor. She turns to Dave and Ivans box

Wolf: Get veady..

As Snake runs past the metal steps, he looks up: Nothing. He can’t see Wolf behind Ivan and Daves box. He shrugs anyway, running towards the security door.

Lynch: are we going to explain this?

Just as Snake reaches for the door, four green-uniformed guards pour out from the coridoor: Snake was too oblivious to check. The guard point their FAMAS rifles at Snake, who now has no choice but to raise his arms

Wolf: GO!

Wolf storms down the metal steps, slowing to a walk at the bottom and seductively walking towards Snake with her PSG1 pointed squarely at his heart.

She looks back.

The boxes are still there.

Snake looks at the guards, then at Wolf, then at the boxes

Snake: The hell?


Silence. The boxes are begrudgingly taken off and Phil, Ivan, Dave, Sal and Robbie emerge and get to their feet, walking to the top of the stairs

Snake: ……Riiiiiight..

Wolf: Hard to miss when you're this close…Toss your weapon over there. Slowly...
Snake looks up at the mercenaries

Sal: Do it!

Snake curses under his breath and slides his SOCOM across the floor, where one of the guards picks it up. Wolf and one of the guards go closer to him.

Wolf: The rest of you, come out of there!


Wolf: Get them…

One of the guards, keeping his rifle firmly pointed at Snake, sidles over to the Communication Towers security door and knocks on it.


Karab: Whoooo is it?


Wolf: Get out, now!


Frank: Who is it?


Wolf: NOW!!

Moe: I think it’s the Pizza Delivery Guy..

The door slides open and the rest of the mercenaries slowly trundle out. It’s a miracle that Wolf and the guards don’t figure them out then and there: Their guns are in one hand, drooped by their sides, and they are clearly reluctant

Snake: These guys wouldn’t harm me..

Wolf: ….You! Shoot him in the shin!

Wolf points at Billy

Billy: ..Whoa! Me?

Wolf: You have a PSG1 too…Do it.


Wolf: Do it, or--

Wolf turns and points her rifle squarely between Franks eyes

Wolf: Shoot Snake or I shoot ze drunk..


Billy turns to Frank

Billy: Sorry, Frankie

Frank: NO! BILLY!

Wolf: NOW!

Snake: Just do it..

Billy walks in front of his snake, pointing his rifle at his shin and looking down his scope

Billy: Making sure I have a sure shot..

Wolf: Oh! For fucks sake! Just do it!

Snake: DO IT!

Billy simply stands up, and straps his rifle to his back

Billy: Fuck yeh.

One of the guards aims his gun at Billys temple, but he swings around, grabbing the barrel and forcefully shoving the butt into the guards jaw, quickly pulling the gun off him and tossing it to the ground. Wolf raises her hand to the remaining guards, laughing merrily

Wolf: Good show..You’re lucky I want this one all for myself..or you would be dead..

Billy: I’ll keep it in mind

Billy walks back to the mini group of mercenaries, and Snake breaths a very small sigh of relief

Wolf : Quiet! You are a fool to come down here.. stupid man!

Snake : Yeah,’re just a lady sniper…

Wolf: Didn't you know that two thirds of the world's greatest assassins are women? Do you want to die now? Or after your female friend? Which will it be?

Snake : I'll die after I kill you.

She lets out a small laugh. The mercenaries also give a rebellious chuckle.

Wolf : Is that right? Well at least you've got spirit..

Wolf drops her gun to her side and runs her free hand through her hair.

Wolf : I am Sniper Wolf and I always kill what I aim at.

Silence. Coughing.

Lynch: Sniper…WOLF, Phil.

Phil: I spotted that, dork.

She walks over to him and strokes his cheek slowly

Wolf : You're my... special prey. Got it?

She scratches Snake's cheek, leaving a small bloody scratch. Snake lets out a small grunt.

Maurice: Total ball buster, lads..

Sal: More like psycho, am I right?

Vince: ..Pretty much, short of going “Worble worble”

Vince, Brick and Billy look at Sal

Sal: I was drunk!

Brick: That’s Franks excuse! Git a new one!

Wolf : I've left my mark on you... I won't forget it. Until I kill you, you're all i'll think about….

Frank: Sounds like the Unit, right guys?

Bob: Pretty much.

Will: Quiet pussy! I’m the one to who that applies!

Phil: Yeah, but you like it!

Dean: Yeaaahhh..especially when she’s got the whips and chains, right Will?

Silence. The mercenaries look at Will.

Will: I’m too hot to tame without chains, baby!

He thrusts his hips

Karab: No….Just….my eyes..

Will: Your eyes can’t take the hotness, curry man!

Dean: He’s hot!

Bill: He’s spicy!




Silence. They turn to face the other guards, Snake and Sniper Wolf, who are staring at the mercenaries

Karab: Koooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonichiwa?


Will: No.

Wolf steps back away from Snake

Wolf: Do him.

Mercenaries: NO!!!!!!!!!

Bob: Not my type!

Dave: Say it ain’t so! SAY IT AIN’T SO!

Frank: NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Wolf: I meant knock him out!

Frank: ……….Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh………

Dave runs at Snake, holding the barrel of his assault rifle to wield it like a club, and smashes the side of the butt against Snakes face. Snake stumbles backwards, clutching his now-bloody nose


Dave: Erm, shit, he’s not out..

Frank: AGAIN!

Karab runs in and smashes Snake over the side of his temple with his shield. Snake stumbles to the side, clutching his head. Dave slams the butt of his gun up into Snakes jaw.


Will runs in and slaps Snake lightly across the cheek. Snake stands straight and stares at Will, baring his teeth and growling

Will: Daaaahhhhhh!!! Bob!

Will runs behind Bob, who looks back at Will

Bob: Easy!

Bob runs at Snake and jumps, kicking him in the face. Snake recoils and spits out a bloody tooth, blood spraying from his mouth


Lynch: For Gods sake, put your backs into it!

Wolf is leaning against a wall, rubbing her eyes in disbelief as Phil steps in, clutching the barrel of his pistol and throwing it like a boomerang. It smashes off Snakes eye and Snake steps back, clutching his eye


Maurice grabs Moe by the hem of his combat pants and hurls him at Snake. Moe flying head butts Snake in the mouth and Snake stumbles backwards, now only standing by clutching the support

Snake: I’LL DO IT MYSELF!!!!!!!

Mr. Dibbley runs forward, slapping Snakes cheeks repeatedly with his flappers


Mr. Dibbley slaps his jaw and Snake stumbles back as Mr. Dibbley does a quick feet shuffle

Mr. Dibbley: Wooooo!! Golden fists!

Snake: SHTOP!!!! THE PAIN!!!

Frank walks up to Snake and shoves a Stun Grenade in his mouth

Frank: Sorry buddy.

Snake: Mmfff fffinnffff cfffffzzzzfff?

Frank: Yes, I am crazy. Thank you.

Frank pulls the pin

Frank: Look away!

Everyone looks away and puts their fingers in their ears as the Stun Grenade detonates


They turn around and look down at Snake, who has sparks of light coming out of his ears, his mouth frothing

Snake: Grafafafafafafaffffffffff!!

His head slumps to the side, unconscious

Wolf: ….Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiicee…

Guard : Now….Take him away!

Mercenaries: Oh COME ON!

Wolf: Pay you all One-fifty?


Will: You’re gooooooooooooooood…

Wolf: I shall accompany you all…Now, lift..


Lynch: Go on, Dave and Bob.

Dave stares at Lynch and walks forward, grabbing Snakes legs, Bob walks around and grabs his arms, lifting him into a spreadeagled position

Bob: Damn, Snake! Lay off the cocoa and moose meat!

Sal rushes over and puts Snakes abdomen over his shoulder

Wolf: Now…Through here, through the commanders room, through the coridoor, into the elevator, through Nuclear Warhead Storage, across the Snowfield, and into B1 in the Tank hangar! GOT IT?!


Dean: You psycho bitch!

Wolf clicks her fingers

Wolf: Now, Gentlemen…NOW!

Lynch: Ahhyafuckinbitch..MEN! FORWARD!

Sound of muttering and cursing. Dave, Sal abnd Bob hold Snake up high, chanting in Urdu as they carry Snake through the coridoor. The mercenaries follow..

The scene opens in a small room, incredibly small for it’s purpose. To the southern left is a small, indented space, which signals that the left wall is in fact a separate room: A toilet, to be specific. Glass panels, supported by steel beams between them, are erected across the Southern Wall. Across the Northern wall, in a half-Octagon shape are a series of four computer consoles, each displaying green screens with random streams of data. Erected in the middle of the room is the raise en’detre: A steel behemoth, shaped in a circle with the corners cut straight, these corners holding large shackles embedded into the machine. Snake, bare-chested and half-unconscious klays here, as the machine is tilted back, staring up at a lare eight-bulbed halogen lamp glaring down painfully at him. Against the Southern wall is a lone computer, displaying two blue screens and several buttons, to which several thick black wires from the large, towering side of the torture rack lead: This console is the controller which Ocelot, his familiar brown dustcoat now removed revealing the two brown bullet-holsters, over a navy waistcoat, for his Colt Single Action Armys, is standing at.

Frank, Phil, Sal, Lynch and Jericho are leaning against the windows of the Southern wall, watching. Behind them in the Southern room is a room inside of it, with metal meshed-glass windows: The holding cell. To it’s East is a lone computer console, seemingly broken with an error window flickering on the screen, and a set of steel lockers erected next to that. In that small, L-shaped space outside the cell loom the rest of our mercenaries, watching through the windows. The blonde-haired, brown-trench coated form of Liquid Snake watches the rack with great interest. Wolf is standing next to the mercenaries with her arms folded, watching. Ocelot is about to press a button, until-

Liquid : Don't kill him yet. I want him alive.

Ocelot : Leave it to me.

Liquid : I want no more accidents like that DARPA Chief…

Sal: Accidents? More like..MURDER!

Dramatic music. Steve is behind the glass, playing a Synthesizer. Before Liquid can look, Dibbley slaps Steves shoulder, and he quickly wheels the Synthesizer to the side, where it disappears in a blue *pop*

Wolf : Yessssss.. He's my target….Mine alone!

Liquid walks up to the rack

Liquid : Can you hear me, Solid Snake?

Wolf : He's tougher than I thought...

Liquid: Hush..I want him to hear this..

Silence. Sound of computers humming.

Liquid : Do you know who I am? I always knew that one day I would meet you. The man who stole what was rightly mine... the man who stole my birthright. Me? I'm the man you stole everything good from. And now, after the sacrifice of our brothers... after 30 long years, finally the two of us meet. The brother of light…and the brother of dark!

Wolf : Do you need his DNA too?

Liquid : Yes! I want a sample while he's still alive…We need it to correct the Genome Soldier's mutations.

Wolf : Then we'll be able to cure them?

Liquid : No, sadly…We still have to get our hands on Big Boss's DNA.

Wolf : Have they given in to our demands yet?

Liquid : Not yet.

Wolf : They won't give in….They're all hypocrites, every one of them.

Liquid : Is that your opinion as a Kurd?

Wolf : They always put politics first...

Phil: Seconded.

Wolf: Quiet! You have no opinion, you common mooks!

They quieten.

Lynch: Bitch.

Liquid : That's right. ..That's why they want to avoid any leak about their precious new nuclear weapon…

Ocelot : Boss, it looks like our friend is awake.

The torture rack starts leaning forward, letting out a large grinding sound. As it reaches it’s normal position, with Snake almost standing against the supports, Snake is abruptly brought down somewhere to face Liquid, who is standing in front of him.

Liquid : There definitely is a resemblance. Don't you think, little brother? Or should I say…big brother?

Frank: Say it ain’t so!

Liquid: Fuck, I'm not sure who’s the big brother! Anyway, it doesn't matter. You and I are both the last surviving "sons” of Big Boss…..

Liquid's cell phone rings, he reaches into his trench coat pocket and pulls it out quickly

Liquid : It's me... Really?!! Then what?! Those idiots! All right Raven..I'll be right there!

Liquid puts it away and turns to Wolf and Ocelot

Liquid : They're not responding to our demands! We'll launch the first one in 10 hours as planned!!!

Wolf : Damn Americans!!

Ocelot : Looks like you read them wrong!


Silence. Liquid, Ocelot and Wolf turn to Steve, who has magically appeared in the room. Phil turns to Steve

Phil: Ok Steve..leave..

Steve: Why? I wanna be part of this conversation too..

Phil: later..go on..Shoo

Steve whines and trudges out of the door and into the cell room

Liquid : Something's funny... Normally the Americans are the first ones to the negotiating table. They must think they've go something up their sleeves.

Frank: Yeah! Their arms!

Silence. Steve appears again, sitting at a drum set.

Steve: Buh-dum-CHISH


Liquid: Daniels, shut the fuck up. Llarec, GET THE FUCK OUT!

Steve whines and slides backwards through the door on his stool

Ocelot : So it's come down to it, has it? We're going to launch that nuke and ride it all the way into history…

Frank: With a cowboy hat?


Ocelot: What?

Phil: Well, that scene in Dr. Strangelove, where he rides that bomb waving his cowboy hat?

Liquid : I've got to take care of some launch preparations, You're in charge here, Ocelot.

Ocelot nods and turns to Wolf

Ocelot : What about you? Wanna stay for the show?

Wolf : I'm not interested. It's time to feed the family.

Wolf reaches into her cleavage and takes out a small canister of pills

Jericho: I would’ve got that for you..

She stares at Jericho, taking a few out and swallowing them.

Ocelot : So, you prefer your wolves to my show, huh? Liquid : Ocelot, don't screw up like you did with the Chief. Ocelot : Yes, I know. That was an accident. I didn't think a pencil pusher like him would be so tough.

Liquid : Well... his mental defenses were reinforced by hypnotherapy.

Ocelot : Boss, what about that ninja? Liquid : He killed 12 men. Whoever he is, he's some kind of lunatic.

Ocelot : Bastard took my hand... How could he have gotten in here?

Liquid : Perhaps there's a spy among us...

Silence. Phil, Sal, Jericho and Frank gulp.

Liquid: …Mantis is dead.

They gulp again.

Liquid: We've also got to find out what killed Baker and Octopus…

They gulp a third time, before Lynch shakes his head

Lynch: We didn’t do THAT.

Phil: Frank killed Baker

They turn to Frank and shakes their heads disapprovingly. Franks head droops slightly

Liquid: We're shorthanded, so make this little torture show of yours as short as possible.

Ocelot : Torture? This is an interrogation!

Liquid : As you wish..

Sal: The fucks the difference, huh? HUH?!

Ocelot: If I was torturing him, it would be for information-

Phil: interrogations also for-


Liquid: Whatever, all of you, shut up. I’m going to the Underground Maintenance.

Liquid turns to Snake.

Liquid : See you later, brother...

Liquid leaves. Wolf walks up to Snake.

Wolf : Your woman is still in this world...

Snake : Meryl...

Frank: Pussy..

Wolf : Catch you later, handsome...

Wolf turns on her heels and walks out of the door, towards the elevator
Ocelot : Want to hear a story?

Snake: Tomko, gimme a beat

The huge, mammoth, tribal-tattooed, bare-chested and chiselled, bald and bearded form of Tomko appears in a flash of blue light, folding his arms

Tomko: No.

Tomko disappears in a flash of blue light. Snake winks at the mercenaries.

Snake: Answerrrrrrrrrrrrrr………

Ocelot: Well, fuck you! Once she picks a target, she doesn't think about anything else. Sometimes she even falls in live with them before she kills them!

Snake, Frank, Phil, Sal, Lynch, Jericho: Fascinating.

Ocelot: FUCK YOU! Finally, just the two of us. How are you feeling?!!

Snake : Not bad. I caught a nice nap on this revolving bed of yours. Too bad I was sleeping alone…

Ocelot : Glad to hear that. This is some bed all right. I'm about to show you some of its nicer features...

Sal: Do we wanna know?

Jericho: Yeah…he’s strapped in…and you’re going to show him some nicer features…HARK! Do you hear that?


Ocelot: WHAT?!

Jericho: That is the flowing river of thousands of yaoi fan girls drooling mindlessly!

Ocelot turns towards him, his spurs scraping the tiles

Ocelot: …WHAT?!

Snake : Fuck that, Where are my things?!

Ocelot : Just noticed you’re..half-naked?

Snake: You sick. Ass. Mother--

Ocelot: No! I didn’t strip your chiselled, soldiers body from it’s--

Frank: Too much information. WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY too much!

Ocelot: Whatever, it’s all in here with me..

Ocelot motions towards a box behind the Torture Rack, ensconced safely beneath one of the metal computer consoles against the northern wall

Ocelot: Y’know..Washington was taking quite a chance sending you here. Someone must have had a lot of faith in your skill. Huh, carrier boy?

Snake: Carrier boy? I killed Big Boss, you stupid FUCK!

Phil: He did, y’know!

Ocelot: I don’t give a shit!

Snake : Yeah, well, I also heard…from a very reliable source, that Metal Gear is armed with a new type of nuclear warhead, huh?

Ocelot: Who? The Otaku or the old fuck?

Snake: Never you mi-

Phil: The Otaku. The old fuck went all “Save the rainforest, hug a tree, they dispose of it wrongly” shit

Ocelot: So the otaku escaped?

Jericho: He went where no Otaku should go…the outside world!

Everyone shudders, including Snake

Ocelot : Yes, well, at least now you know SOME of the plans!

Snake: Huh?

Ocelot: Don’t play dumb, you moron, Why don't you go ask Campbell for the full story?

Snake and the Mercenaries: The Colonel?

Ocelot : By the way, you DID get an optical disk from President Baker, didn't you?

Snake : What if I did?

Ocelot : Is that the only disc? There's no other data?

Snake : What do you mean?

Ocelot : There's no copy? If not, that's fine…..

Snake : Well, if you want it so much, let’s haggle for it…Is Meryl okay?

Ocelot : She's not dead yet. Wolf must have been feeling generous. But if you want her to stay that way you better start answering my questions right now….You were holding one card key, so where are the other two? What's the trick behind that key!? That weasel of a president said there's some kind of trick to using the key!!!!

Snake: Whats so important about disks and a key?!

Ocelot: The disk holds the data, the key is just important!

Snake: Just important? Come on..surely you can do a good evil guy, spill-the-beans-before-you-zap-me

Ocelot turns to Lynch and Frank

Ocelot: Your boys outside?

Lynch: Yup.

Ocelot: Do they wanna see this? I’m gonna cook this fuck like fried chicken!

Snake: Bollocks.

Ocelot turns to Snake


Snake: HELL IF I KNOW!!!

Ocelot : ……I see….No problem then. We're going to play--

Silence. Phil snaps his fingers. In a flash of blue light, Tobin Bell appears, wearing a dark black velvet robe with a scarlet lining around the hood

Bell: Time to play a game, Snake…….

Tobin Bell disappears in a fizz of blue light

Ocelot: ………………..Ok…………………..What he said…BUT! When the pain becomes too great to bear….just give up and your suffering will end!

Snake: Cool!

Ocelot: But if you do, the girl's life is mine.

Snake: YOU DICK!

Ocelot: If your mercenaries are not going to watch, I want five patrolling the cell-room. An extra two in here, seven in the outside coridoor, and the rest to start making their way towards the Underground Maintenance, deal?

Lynch: We’re that far already?

Ocelot: What?

Lynch: …..Yeah, hang on

They get into a huddle and whisper amongst themselves for a moment, before turning to Ocelot, grinning


Ocelot: WELL?!?!

Snake: Take your time, guys!

Lynch inches past the mercenaries and to the door. It slides open and he looks in at our mercenary friends

Lynch: Alright guys! Papa Bears got some little forest huts for y’all to go skipping to! Dean, Karab, Vince, Bill and Brick! You guys stay there, you’re guarding the porridge!

Karab: …The fuck?

Dean: ..I think he’s lost it. Lost it BIG.

Lynch: Will and Dave, I want you two guys in here, stat!

Silence. No-one moves.

Lynch: STAT!

And still, no-one moves.

Lynch: For fucks sake..

Lynch reaches into his pocket and pulls out a candy bar. Only Dave comes running towards Lynch, who quickly raises his arm and elbows Dave into the room.


Will begrudgingly stands up, having sat in the middle of the huddle of mercenaries, and slowly walks over

Will: Cockface.

Will walks past Lynch and into the Torture Chamber


Ocelot: I’M NOT GAY!!

Will: Ahhhhhhhhh! Never brought it up! GAY!

Ocelot: FUCK OFF!

Lynch: Bob, Billy, *Beep*, Dibbley, Maurice, Robbie, Moe…You guys guard the outside coridoor, mmk?!?!?!

The room slowly empties as those crazy mercenaries trudge out in single file, looking at Snake on the Torture Rack as they pass through the room

Robbie: Kinky fuckers..


They all file out of the Level 6 security door and into the B1 coridoor outside of the room.

Lynch: And that leaves…

Lynch turns to Ivan and Steve, the only one whos will make their way to Underground Maintenance

Ivan: For vucks sake..

Lynch: Hellgenstrand..for the team, for the team. Llarec, you ok?

Steve: We will be, We will be

Ivan: Vuck your team!

Steve: …We might be, we might be

Ivan shoulders his M79 grenade launcher and stomps past Lynch, cursing in Russian as he stomps into the B1 coridoor and to the elevator. Steve looks at Lynch and nods
Steve: Saddle the insane one with the crazy one..smooth move, ex-lax
Steve rushes out through the Torture Room and to the outside coridoor, quickly sliding into the elevator before the doors fully shut and beckon Ivan and Steve to their lone journey. Lynch turns to Ocelot and gives a hesitant thumbs up. Ocelot grins and rushes over to the console, shoving Phil out of the way and pressing a handful of buttons. He then spins around on his heels, thrusting his hips towards the computer console

Ocelot: BOM CHICKA WOW WOW!!!!!!!!!!!

Ocelot slowly struts over to the console and looks down at a shining silver button, which gleams up at Ocelot

Ocelot: Ready guys?

Will: For what?

Ocelot pushes the button and holds it down. Snake screams and starts to shudder violently, the fizzing of electricity from his hands and feet bonds clearly audible to those five feet away. Snakes eyes open and shut rapidly in pain as he shudders more, but ten seconds later, Ocelot stops

Ocelot: SO?!?!?! The disks?!!?!?!!

Snake: Hssss…..grarble..

Will sniffs the air

Will: Mmmm, smells like barbecue!

Dave: C’mon! He’s rare! Cook the other side!

Ocelot: Well, he’s not relinquishing information-

Sal: You’re zapping volts up his ass! He ain’t gonna give a straight answer!

Ocelot cranks a lever on the top of the console and presses the butrton again. The hissing of electricity is much louder, and Snakes shuddering is much more violently. Thin wisps of smoke start to emit from the gaps in the shackles. Ten seconds later, Ocelot stops


Snake: Grar….grarble…..grarrssassrrrsaassrrrsasarrrr…


Ocelot: Don ‘t mind if I do?



Will: One twisted son of a--

Ocelot cranks the lever up another notch, and pushes the button. Once again, the electricity is louder, and Snakes shuddering is much more violent, his tongue pushing out from between his lips as hundreds of volts surge through his body. Eventually, as the sweat of Snake itself begins to evaporate, Ocelot switches off the dial, and Snake semi-collapses, hunching forward in the restraints, his eyes shut

Ocelot: NOW?!?!

Snake: …………………………fuck you……………………

Ocelot laughs loudly

Ocelot: Pretty tough! Pretty tough! Looks like you deserve…a five minute break!

Frank: Why?


Ocelot bears his teeth as he yells. Will wipes his face from spit.

Will: Sick motherfucker..

Ocelot punches in a series of buttons and the latches click, parting roughly and quickly. Snakes body falls forward, but before it hit’s the floor, Frank, Phil, Sal and Dave catch him


Ocelot swipes his arms towards the prison room

Ocelot: TO THE CELLS!!!!!!!

Carrying Snakes body, Frank, Phil, Sal and Dave slowly slide between Lynch, Jericho and Will, carrying his body through the door and into the prison room.

Dave: Where?

Ocelot: THE CELL!!

Dave: Okies. Who’s got the keys?

Sound of flushing.

Familiar Voice: C-coming! My damn stomach..

Dave: NOOO!!!


A guard exit’s the Torture Chamber bathroom, Ocelots nose wrinkles

Ocelot: Smells like you ate a rotten dog covered in hairy shit, you sick fuck!

Guard: S-sorry sir!

The guard walks into the room, giving the mercenaries a strange look

Guard: You guys!

Phil: J-Johnny?

Johhny: Hey…you guys remembered!

He reaches onto his belt and unhooks a ring of keys, unlocking the door and sliding it to the left. Dave and Frank swing the body left and right.
Frank and Dave: One! Two! THREE!

On three, they let go, and Snake flies through the air and onto the lone, flimsy mattress situated on a wire frame. Johnny quickly slides the door shut and looks at, slipping the keys back onto his belt.

Frank: That was quick of you..

Johnny: W-well..the boss left something in there to make him talk..

Phil sniffs the air

Phil: You shit a rotting corpse?

Johnny: Well, of course no--MY STOMACH! BE RIGHT BACK, GUYS!!

Johnny clutches his stomach, which gurgles violently, before he runs through the door, into the Torture Chamber and into the bathroom. Phil falls to his knees, clutching his head


The scene fades.

Snake has survived the first round of torture, but is on the last legs, with Meryls life in the balance! Our mercenaries must act first in order to save him! Can they spring him for jail without being seen? Can they save Meryl? Can they make it to the Underground Storage themselves? And can they avoid the shit-stink of Johnny?! Join us next time, and see The Thing That Should Not Be, The cameo appearance that will tighten trousers, A Russian Gunship, and Greetings From Asbury Park!


  1. damn you phil and your imagination. hmmmm. might steal it sometime.

  2. I liked it man, it was interesting, but i must say, you eat too much sugar man, love you lil bro