Destruction Derby

Take 23 cars. Some mercenaries. Some cameo-appearance celebrities, toss in a few pieces of randomness, sprinkle with violence, blood, and explosions and you have MGM:Destruction Derby!!!!

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The scene opens up in the locker-rooms of the Two Tribes War-Ring. A huge crowd has assembled in the stands behind a huge chainlink guardfence which bars them off from a massive flat dirtring which is covered in blood, mud and tire-tracks. Screaming Mantis, strangely wearing a suit, makes her way up to the announcers cabin and taps the mic

Screaming Mantis: Testing! Testing!

Crowd Member: We hear ya dude!

Mantis: I’m a woman!

Crowd Member 2: HAHAHAHAA!! BURNED!!

Mantis: Wankers..

Crowd Member: I HEARD THAT!!

Mantis: Anyway..Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to the Two tribes War-Ring for our first ever Mercenary Destruction Derby! And joining me..

Wearing a suit and sunglasses, Jonny ‘Akiba’ Sasaki makes his way up the steps and into the announcers box, giving the peace sign. A glass bottle narrowly misses him

Mantis: WHICH FAN THREW THAT?!

Dick and Frank appear in a entrance opposite the announcers box, flipping the bird at Sasaki before running off

Mantis: Without letting you wait further, here’s introducing our already teams!

Akiba: I believe they’ve been waiting 20 minutes!

Mantis glares at Akiba, who whimpers and backs off

Screaming Mantis: AND HERE COME THE TEAMS! FIRST! CAR 41!

Car 41 drives out, an emerald green lowrider with flame paintjob blasting out Spanish Hip-Hop. That Hispanic Guy leans back in the seat smoking a cigar as That Random Guy fiddles with the hydraulics as Johan and Big Bad Bobby sit in the back, carrying M4s

Akiba: I love the lowrider! Apparently made at their own chopshop!

Mantis: Yes it is..CAR 18!

A heavy muscle car rolls with Frank riding it, baring his teeth and growling. Dick Head the barkeep is in the passengers side,looking scared and Sal is in the back with Vince

Mantis: CAR OMEGA!

Crowd: ._.;

A three wheeled Del-Boy van rolls out weakly with Al the Pub Landlord in the front with Johnny Cash riding shotgun..literally carrying a shotgun. In the back are two Outer Haven troops with paper sacks over their head, obviously so Car Omega could simply enter with the recommended participants.

Mantis: CAR 5150!!!

A Ford Mustang rolls out with Chuck Norris at the wheel wearing sunglasses. In the passengers seat is Brick and in the back are Zack De La Rocha and Tom Morello

Manits: And Car 5150 has Rage Against The Machine! AND CHUCK NORRIS!

Tom Morello tunes his guitar and De La Rocha sharpens the bottom of his mic

Akiba: FREAKAY!

Mantis: CAR GEKKOU!!

Morello: A Gekkou?!

De La Rocha slaps Morello around the head

De La Rocha: I told ya it would be legal!

A huge Gekkou stomps out and roars at the audience, who boo. Liquid Ocelot stands on top of the machine, waving his arms, with Vamp also standing on top

Akiba: CAR MOTORCYCLE!!

Sal: Motorcycle?!

A motorcycle with 2 sidecars attached to it rolls out. Driving the motorcycle is Alex Shelley, with Chris Sabin in the left sidecar and Drebin in the right side car

Mantis: CAR 66!

A black van rolls out with Steve driving it. Jay Cutler is riding in the passangers seat and that is the only competitors in it.

Akiba: This could be bad for Car 66! They only have 2 competitors!

Mantis: But one of them is Olympian Jay Cutler! That could severely increase their chances here tonight!

Akiba: Imagine what HE could do at Shadow Moses!

Mantis: Vulcan Raven eat your heart out!

Steve rolls down the window and leans out

Steve: STOP GOING ON ABOUT CUTLER! WE'RE ALL FAMOUS HERE!

Mantis: Yeah, sure you are..CAR 666!

A giant hearse rolls out with red headlights with Samoa Joe driving it with AJ Styles next to him. Sitting on the coffin and facing the rear door is Kurt Angle smiling happily

Akiba: 3 competitors, I can only guess someone is in the coffin!

Mantis: We shall see Jonny! We shall see! CAR HOTDIGGIDYDOG!!

Cutler: Oh...what the fuck?!

A huge hotdog machine slowly wheels out. The top of it opens up to reveal Dean at the wheel with Karab and Jon in the back, laughing maniacally

Mantis: .....Ok..CAR 71!!

A red, very old and very dilapidated Dodge rolls out with Al Bundy at the wheel, humming ‘Born To Be Wild’. In the back are Frank Sinatra , Dean MArtin and Sammy Davis Jr. with John Wayne sitting in the passenger seat, polishing a Winchester Rifle

Akiba: THAT is one car I wouldn’t wanna cross!

Mantis: Indeed..CAR 555-666-777

Akiba: Is that a phone number?!

A huge zorb with several open panels rolls out. In it are Obese Maurice, Moe the Midget and MC Hammer

Akiba: Wow..just..WOW!

Mantis: CAR WOLF!!!

Crying Wolf zooms out from her post and bounds the arena, sitting behind Car 66 and staring inside

Akiba: I guess it reinforces the idea that some more are in the back of the van!

A middle finger flipping off Wolf appears in the window and she snarls before bounding off

Mantis: CAR OCTOPUS!!

A huge cackle fills the arena as Octopus crawls out of her post, with Bob sitting on her headset, strapped in and carrying an AK-47

Bundy: CHEAT! I CALL SHENANIGANS!!

Akiba: Anythings allowed, Al!

Mantis: CAR RAVEN!!

Raging Raven swoops down from the ceiling with Bill sitting on her right wing and That Other Random Guy on her left wing

Mantis: CAR EXTREME!!

A huge army jeep rolls out with Lemmy driving it. Jimmy is manning the machine gun and in the back 2 seats, sporting shotguns are Jonathon and Ed

Akiba: JON! ED!

Ed waves at Akiba somewhat bemusedly

Mantis: CAR SPIDER!!

Frank: Oh....FUCK!!

A huge mechanical spider strides out and hisses at the cars. A small hatch opens in the front to reveal Ken Shamrock, Chuck Liddell, Randy Couture, Michael Bisping and Rashad Evans

Akiba: Shoulda called it Car UFC!

Mantis: Do not underestimate THAT!

Akiba: I know!

Mantis: CAR FINGUNNAWIN!!

Each member of each car looks towards the post as a small soapbox car weakly pedals out, carrying 4 Outer Haven troopers

OH Troop 1: WOOO!! WE GONNA WIN!!

Cutler: Like a truck over an ice cream cone, right guys?

Frank nods sadistically

Mantis: CAR 911!

A tank rolls out.

Mantis: Well, we can't see the drivers, but that is gonna be the one to beat!

The hatch flips open and Will and Billy pop up, waving like maniacs wearing their mercenary gear

Mantis: And it looks like car 911 will be laughing all the way back to Alaska! But, last but not least..CAR REX!

Al: Wait..did that lass just say Rex?

Liquid Ocelot looks around off the top of his Gekkou

Ocelot: Smart ass motherfucker!

Metal Gear REX stomps in and roars loudly, the cockpit opens to reveal Old Snake sitting in it

Snake: SURPRISE, BITCHES!

Shamrock: Ahhhh...fuck.

Mantis: 3...2...

The cars rev their engines and the Tank starts turning its turret. Crying Wolf scratches herself with her hindlegs and the 2 Gekkous keep stomping

Mantis: 1...

The giant hotdog machine belches out another hotdog. An Outer Haven trooper peddles weakly in the soapbox car and the metal spider hisses loudly

Mantis: GO!!

Screams are heard as every single vehicle drives down towards the middle from the dip. REX and Ocelots Gekkou are busy lashing out at eachother on the side as Steves black van starts to tip .Steve pulls out a trident and leans out the door like a lancer on a horse, charging towards the soapbox car. The Outer Haven trooper peddles towards the right but is skewered as the van crushes the soapbox and the rest of the troopers beneath its wheels

Jonny: And Car 1 is history in the early goings!

Mantis: A car made out of cardboard was never going to threaten this lot..and here comes the tank!

The tank finally begins to slowly move down the slopes and fires off a huge shell towards the crowd of cars, the drivers quickly turn and start heading towards the tank

Will: Umm..Billy? They're coming for us!

Billy: Yeah, what cars going to stop--

The giant hotdog machine jumps up and lands on the top of the tank, crushing it down slightly. Billy looks through the broken hatch and a hotdog falls on his face

Billy: MOTHERFUCKER!

The metal spider starts to crawl towards the tank

Shamrock: Here we go! Lets chew these bitches!

Will: NO! BAD SPIDER!

Billy: REVERSE WILL! REVERSE!

Will: WHICH LEVERS REVERSE?!?!?!

Billy: Ahhh..come on ya bitches!!

As the spider crawls closer, Billy slides a shell into the turret and pulls the trigger, firing it. The spider stumbles backwards as the black van accelerates towards the spider, with Crying Wolf chasing the van.

Akiba: And Wolf is after that small van!

Mantis: But look!

The doors get shot off and Phil stands there with an M61 Vulcan laying on the floor

Phil: COME OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!

Wolf skids to a halt as Phil fires it, only for the recoil to send him backwards and smashing through the van and into the middle van seat

Steve: Phil?!

Phil: ........Ow

Cutler hits him

Phil: GODDAMMIT! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!

Cutler: Being a loser.

The hotdog machine has crawled off the tank and is starting towards the tank as a blue glow fills the arena. Every driver looks up at it

Sal: ..What the--

Phil: LEMMYS GETTING THE WAR PIG READY!!!!!!

Lemmy points at Phil and grins. Phil gulps. Will looks up at the giant warpig-headed train which is slowly appearing from another dimension

Will: As a mercenary I have truly seen it all!

The black van and metal Gear REX make for the hotdog machine, which quickly turns around and squeakily wheels away. Car 5150 speeds towards Al Bundys Mustang, with De La Rocha swinging his mic

De La Rocha: It’s a beautiful day to kick your ass!

Several tentacles wrap around Car 5150 and Laughing Octopus cackles

Morello: NOT FUNNY! DEPLOY THE NORRIS!

Chuck Norris leans out and slaps Laughing Octopus, causing her to lose her mask and look up at Bob

Octopus: Bob..honey..I had a nightmare..

She looks around to see the black van getting chased by a hotdog machine, a mechanical spider trying to stomp a tank, and an PMC trooper crawling from a soapbox wreckage

Octopus: ...oh

The spider quickly latches to the tank and Billy flips open the hatch

Billy: GLASGOW RULES YA BASTARDS!!

Rashad Evans crawls out and cracks his knuckles, Billy grabs a bottle and smashes it off the hatch

Will: Billy..where’d you get the bottle?

Billy: If Steve can summon a trident, i’ll be damned if I can’t summon a bottle!

Rashad Evans punches him repeatedly and he collapses as the tank reverses

Shamrock: Dammit Chuck! I told you to keep ahold of them!

Liddell: Ah, but I have a new trick!

He presses a button and a huge net ensnares the tank

Will: No!!!

Will loads a shell in and fires, only for one leg of the spiders to get taken off

Bundy: THAT’S OUR CHANCE!

The Mustang accelerates towards the Spider, only for the Gekkou to stand in the way. The Mustang screeches to a halt

Ocelot: Well, well..Al Bundy!

The black van screeches beneath the Gekkou, being chased by a hotdog machine playing Tunak Tunak Tun. Phil is busy doing a weird dance as Steve tries to avoid it

Phil: I DUNNO THE LYRICS, BUT THE BEAT! THE BEAT!

Cutler: STEP ON IT!

Akiba: And it really is murder on the dancefloor!

Mantis: Bad pun there as Metal GearREX picks it opponent!

Old Snake: I have to stop that hotdog machine or the spirit bomb destroys us all..but..There’s Ocelot..I can’t let him get away! THESE MERCENARIES COMPROMISED MY MISSION! I MUST KILL OCELOT!

The mustang charges at the Gekkou and goes under its legs as John Wayne aims, firing several rounds at the Gekkous back

Wayne: Damned Iron Beast! The Winchester ain’t doing much!

The Rat Pack pull out Tommy Guns and start firing repeatedly as REX stomps towards the Gekkou

Snake: LIQUUUUUUUUUUUUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Gekkou turns to face the oncoming REX

Ocelot: BROTHEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Laughing Octopus and Bob leave hand in hand as the spider starst to kick the netted tank to the designated surrender zone

Mantis: Car FINGUNNAWIN and Car Octopus have gone, and Car 911 looks like it’s about to follow suit!

Will: NO WAY!!

Will unfurls the hatch and Billy also climbs out, carrying an RPG

Shamrock: The RPGs not gonna do much!

Billy fires it down and the net rips off, also blowing off another of the spiders left legs, causing it to stumble

Shamrock: MOTHERFUCKER!

A PMC troop makes it to the surrender zone as REX and the Gekkou battle. Car 5150 and Car Extreme start circling eachother

Ed: FUCKING YEAH!

Jimmy starts to fire the machine gun rapidly at the car, which starts to crumble, but it manages to start ramming them back into a surrender zone

Mantis: Could Car Extreme be forced to surrender?!

Tom: KEEP FIRING JIMMY!!!

Jimmy pulls harder, causing the rounds to pound Car 5150 faster, De La Rocha flings out his microphone, only for Raging Raven to swoop down and Bill and That Other Random Guy to fire, causing Car 5150 to start smoking

Morello: Norris! HELP!

Chuck Norris climbs onto the roof and walks slowly onto the trunk roundhousing kicking Car Extreme. It flies back and into a designated surrender zone, but rolls across the chainlink crowd guard and onto its wheels

Mantis: CAR EXTREME IS NOT ELIMINATED!

Car 5150: WHAT?!

Norris: Everyone has one

Morello: NORRIS!! NO!!

Chuck Norris vanishes in a blinding flash of white light as the jeep guns towards the Mustang

Brick: Time to unleash some BRICK!

Brick pulls a crate of bricks from under his feet and throws them with superhuman strength, the Jeep swerves and it bounces of the Zorb

Obese Maurice: YA BASTARDS!!

The Zorb starts rolling towards Car 5150, only for the hotdog machine to stand in front of it, the front having fallen off to reveal Dean steering a tiny wheel

Moe: Time to knock out the Hotdogs!

Jon: Oh my God Dean! MOVE!

The Zorb starts rolling and bounces against the Hotdog machine. The machine keeps accelerating

Dean: I CAN’T! ITS TOO ZORBY!

The Zorb keeps rolling and the Hotdog machine falls back

Jon: NOOO!!! I AIN’T GOING OUT LIKE A BI--

The black van smashes into it and sends it skidding into a surrender zone

Akiba: CAR HOTDIGGIDYDOG IS GONE!!

Car 71 starts bouncing towards Car 18

That Hispanic Guy: Ey! Frank! Kiss yo ass goodbye!

Johan cracks his knuckles as the lowrider pulls beside the muscle car, only for Dick to pull out pint glasses and start throwing them at the paintwork

That Random Guy: Pull away! THE PAINTWORK!

Big Bad Bobby leans out with a crowbar and pries off a hubcap, throwing it into his hands

Big Bad Bobby: GOT ONE!

They hi-5 as the muscle car accelerates towards them

Frank: PAINTWORK! READY SAL?!

Sal: As ready as ever!

The lowrider screams and starts to speed away as the muscle car drives beside it, with Sal holding a dirty basketball

Dick: Dirty them into surrender!

The zorb starts to try and bounce REX away, as the black van pulls beside Wolf for another attack

phil: No bad feelings, ey?

Sweet Female Voice: Not at all!

Wolf: Hehehehee...

Phil: ...Oh..don’t be a sugar glider..DO NOT BE A--

An steel-gray furred anthropomorphic sugar glider pops up, aiming an M4

Phil: What a shock.

He slumps back

Cutler: Wow..ol’ Phils doubly lucky, eh?

He quickly stands up

Phil: YOU GOT ME! KILL ME!

She fires, but he dodges

Phil: WOAH! CALM DOWN!

Steve pulls out a trident and manages to lance Crying Wolf, pushing her away as they speed off

Tavi: Go Wolf! Car Motorcycle can be tipped over!

Drebin: guys! Crazy Wolf and..something weird and hot..coming this way!

Shelley: What the--Ah well. Sabin! Ready the radiator!

Tavi: Radia--SHIT!!!

Wolf charges too fast and Sabin and Shelley pull out a radiator panel, throwing it and knocking Tavi off Crying Wolf. Sabin grins and makes the MCMG hand gesture

Drebin: Ok guys, there’s a bounty on Car 18! GO GET THEM!

The motorcycle speeds off towards Franks muscle car which brakes and spins with Frank smashing the windshield

Frank: READY DICK?!

The hearse smashes into their side and they barrel roll repeatedly before smashing violently into a wall. frank and Dick are slumped in the front seat

Akiba: AND CAR 18..MAY BE DEAD!

The hearse brakes and the rear doors fly open, with Kurt Angle kicking them open

Drebin: BRAKE! FUCK!

Shelley instead accelerates, grinning wildly. The coffin flies open and silver smoke pours out as Jeff Jarrett emerges

Mantis: JARRETT!! JARRETT WAS IN THE COFFIN!

Shelley: NOW i’ll brake!

Shelley brakes, but it’s too late: The motorcycle speeds so close to the van Jarrett smashes his guitar off Shelleys head, causing him to fall backwards. Sabin quickly stands up and shoves Shelley into his sidecar, taking the bike and speeding off.

Joe: Ok! Who next?!

The zorb slowly bounces towards them and Joe screams, quickly speeding off, being chased. Raging Raven swoops down towards Car 71, but several shotgun blasts from the wreckage of Car 71 blow her off course

Bill: MY RIDE! YOU DONE BUSTING MY RIDE!

Raven looks back at him

Bill: In the sense that you are a human who can carry us--

Raven snarls

Bill: I mean..in a friendly way! Carrying us like a car!

That Other Random Guy: Bill, stop while you’re ahead

More shotgun blasts tear towards them and Raven banks down, gunning for Car OMEGA, only for Al to throw a keg at Raven, causing her to lose control

That Other Random Guy: WE GOING DOWN!!

Frank opens the door of the muscle car and it falls off

Sal: So..thats it?

Frank: Sal.

Sal: Frank.

Frank: You are one of my favourite mercenaries, but seriously. You going to drive this hunk of crap into battle?

Vince: Why not?

Frank: ...You’re fucking weird

Akiba: AND CAR 18 IS CONGREGATING!

Frank flips the bird at Akiba

Frank: ..In the car

They all huddle into the car and Frank jams the gearstick, revving the muscle car into battle as the radio blasts out ‘Ain’t My Bitch’ by Metallica. He bares his teeth and growls as Dick pulls out an RPG

Sal: DICK?! Where’d ya get that from?!

Dick: I like to clean my bar and you mercenaries leave the damnedest things, now shut up and get ready.

Frank fires up the car and they zoom into the main arena. The zorb is busy bouncing after the hearse, only for the black van to start chasing it

Phil: Ok..Steve. Side to it carefully..carefully

Steve slowly pulls beside the zorb

Phil: Ok...

Phil pulls out a thumbtack, but MC Hammer pulls out a gold hubcap and a door flies open, he throws it and it hits Cutler on the head, knocking him out

Phil: DAMMIT HAMMER!!

Hammer: Can’t touch this!

The zorb speeds off. Car 71 pulls beside Car 41

Al: Nice wheels, *beep*!

That Hispanic Guy: Hey! Thanks Al!

Al: Shame about the tires.

That Random Guy: OH FUCK!

The Rat Pack throws out stingers and the lowrider hits them, popping every tire as it slowly grinds to a halt, the wheels spinning helplessly

Johan: Looks like it be a good ol’ survival fight!

Johan cracks his knuckles, only for the hearse to reverse into them, They all scream and sit, fastening their seatbelts as they roll across the floor. That Hispanic Guys hair is slowly being scraped off by the dirt of the dirtring

That Hispanic Guy: BEEEEEEEEEEEATCH!!!!!!!!

The lowrider keeps rolling, until Big Bad Bobby raises his arms and throws them up. Raven, having regained control, smashes upwards as the lowrider flies into them

Bill: GODDAMN FLYING LOWRIDERS!! DAMN THE MEXICAN STEREOTYPE! DAMN IT TO HELL!!

The lowrider flies above Raven and starts to fall, only for Raven to swoop down and start to hurtle towards the ground, towards REX

Snake: Oh, nadgers.

REX quickly stomps off

That Random Guy: READY THE JOHAN!!

That Hispanic Guy grabs Johan and throws him out of the door. Johan hurtles towards the ground, his bald head making him more streamlined and faster. Raven keeps going down, but it can’t avoid a massive flying headbutt from Johan, causing it to smash into the ground and roll lifelessly into a surrender zone. Johan drills so deep down he hits oil, and the lowrider quickly falls to its wheels, the sideskirts and some panelling dropping off

Big Bad Bobby: OH! IT’S AWN NOW!

Johan flies up in a spout of oil and lands in his seat

That Hispanic Guy: DAMMIT JOHAN! I JUST GOT THIS CAR UPHOLSTERED!

Mantis: And Car Raven takes an early bath!

Bill stands up and dusts himself off. Raven throws off her wings and stomps into the locker-room
Bill: Look! All I said was that De La Rochas a god and of course he could swing a mic at us! OH! COME ON!

Akiba: Oh my, a little bit of team spirit crumbling there as Car Raven walks off!

The crowd cheer as REX and the Spider start circling eachother

Shamrock: COME ON! I DARE YOU!

REX roars and fires its railgun, causing one of the SPiders right legs to fall off

Bisping; THAt’S IT SHAMROCK! MOVE OVER! I’M TAKING CONTROL!

Shamrock: NO!

The Spider stumbles lifelessly before it stands up straight and fires a web towards REX, only for REX to punt it into the crowd

Bisping: Nuts.

The jeep hurtles towards the Spider and knocks another right leg off, sending the leg smashing into the zorb and causing the zorb to start bouncing off the walls

Obese Maurice: Oo! BLOODY ELL! I’M GONNA PUKE!

Akiba: And Car Extreme just made the zorb play ping-pong!

Mantis: But Car 555-666-777 isn’t out! It must land in the surrender zone and stay still for 3 seconds!

Ed: MOVE!

The jeep speeds under REXs legs, with Jimmy firing at the underside. REX turns around, only for the Gekkou to start kicking it

Ocelot: BROOOOOOOTHERRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Snake: Ah fuck off!

REX collides with the Gekkou. Ocelot curses and jumps onto REX, aiming a punch at Snake. Snake ducks and they start fist-fighting, with Snake putting Ocelot ina headlock and repeatedly punching him

Akiba: Queensbury Rules on REX!

Shelley comes to on the Motorcycle and pulls out a net

Shelley: ..Get that hearse!

The hearse flies past the zorb, with Jarrett smashing another guitar off it, causing it to ping around the walls and cause Car 18 to fall apart some more

Vince: frank! If this car takes anymore it’ll explode!

Frank: YOU WANTED IT! I’M DRIVING UNTIL ITS NOTHING BUT SEATS, ENGINES,A STEERING WHEEL AND WHEELS!!

Sal: ..Why did we agree to let a alcoholic drive?!

Frank: BECAUSE WE’RE ALL FUCKING INSANE!!

The muscle car starts to accelerate towards Crying Wolf as the motorcycle pulls beside the hearse

Shelley: GOODNIGHT!

Shelley hurls the net into the back of the hearse, tangling up Jarrett and Angle. The motorcycle pulls beside the hearse and Drebin rips off the drivers door, pulling out a grenade, only for Styles to headbutt it out of Drebins hands and into Car 5150

De La Rocha: GRENADE!!

Morello grabs it and keeps throwing it between his hands, whimpering
Brick: OUT THE WINDOW!

Morello throws it and it lands on the hatch of the tank, only for the hatch to fling open and making it fly into the hearse. Joe quickly kicks it into the hole Johan made and it fizzles out

Drebin: A DUD?!

Styles grins and punches Drebin, only for the motorcycle to drive off

Styles: WE DID IT!

Joe tries to break, but they collide with the wall. The tank slowly rolls over and points its turret at the hearse

Jarrett: Ahhh..slapnuts

Billy surfaces. wearing an army helmet and clutching a speaker

Nilly: All of you! Out the hearse!

Akiba: And if the driver steps out, its automatic surrender!

Joe: NEVER!

Billy: FIRE!

The tank fires a shell, only for Joe to hit a pele kick and it hits the tank and explodes, causing the tank to fly backwards in a smouldering wreckage into a surrender zone

Akiba: THE TANKS OUT!!

The spider slowly stumbles along and spits a web onto it

Bisping: Eheheheheheheee!!!!!

The spider scuttles off as the hatch slowly flies open, smoke pouring out of it. Will surfaces, his eyebrows on fire

Will: YOU CUNTS!!

Kurt Angle flips the bird and cackles as the hearse speeds off. Ocelot now has Snake in a Boston Crab

Ocelot: TAAAAAAPPPP!!!

Snake rolls around and trips Ocelot, locking him in an Ankle Lock

Ocelot: THE PAIN!!!!

The jeep now hurtles towards the 3 wheel del-boy

Cash: Time to spill the blood..

The jeep keeps speeding towards them, only for Cash to strum his guitar, it stops immediately

Jimmy: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!

Lemmy: I dunno! It won’t start! The engines jammed!

Cash: Down down down into a burning ring of fire!

The engine starts to smoke, only for Al to step onto the accelerator and push the jeep away. Jimmy yells out and fires the machine gun at th van, only for Cash to absorb them with his guitar

Jimmy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Jimmy stops and starts to crawl across the seats, only for Wolf to smash into the side of the jeep and send it smashing through a surrender zone wall and into the locker-room. The Orgasmatron quickly reverses into its dimension and the port closes

Bill (From the locker-room) All I said was that you don’t always have to fly!

Raging Raven (From the locker-room): I’M CALLED RAVEN FOR A REASON YOU BASTARD!

The sound of punching is heard as the crowd cheers wildly

Mantis: And the competitors are whittling down as Car Extreme flies into the showers!

Akiba: Still 13 cars left!

Franks muscle car slowly wheezes along, now only a framework, steering wheel, seats, engine and tires. Car 41 bounces beside it and Johan cracks his knuckles. Franbk growls at him, only for the hearse to smash into the back of the lowrider

Big Bad Bobby: FUCKING CHEAPSHOTS!!

The hearse keeps driving the lowrider forward and Johan turns around, climbing onto the hearses bonnet and putting his fist through the windshield, grabbing Styles by his shirt

Styles: NO! BAD BOBBY! VERY BAD BOBBY!!

Bricks Mustang is busy ramming the zorb against a wall, as the black van pulls beside Wolf for another attack

Phil: OK! I GOT YA NOW!

Wolf smashes into the side of the van, causing it to teeter and something to land on the roof/. Sveral shots fire down and all 3 scream. A golden eye peers through one of the bulletholes as Cutler flips the bird and punches upwards

Voice: OH GOD! WHY WOULD YOU HIT A GIRL?! OWWWWWWWWW!!!!!

Phil pats Cutler on the back

Phil: Well done.

Phil climbs out of the window and Steve gives him a boost, pushing him onto the roof, only to see one of Wills blonde hookers

Phil: ...What the--FUCK! IT’S A TRAP!

Steve: WHAT?!

Phil: SHE’S GOT COOTIES! THIS IS CHEMICAL WARFARE!

Phil quickly punts her off and she rolls across the dirt track, only for Phil to be kicked off the side, with him quickly grabbing on. Tavi kneels down and looks down at him

Tavi: Oh..Phil..hanging on?

Bricks Mustang now smashes into the vans side, causing Tavi to collapse

Tavi: FUCK!

De La Rocha: KEEP RAMMING!

The zorb flies off a wall and smashes into the Mustang at such speeds a huge indent appears in the door

Morello: OH NO! A ZORB! AGAIN!

Als old mustang quickly speeds towards Bricks mustang and smashes into its side

Brick: WE’RE CORNERED!!

The zorb pings off a wall and hurtles for the mustang, but De La Rocha leans out of the window and starts to rotate his head quickly, causing his dreadlocks to spin faster than the human eye can see

Moe: FUCK! ROCHA WHIRLWIND!

The force of the dreadlock creates a wind which sends the zorb flying at such speed it sends it through another surrender zone and clear outside the arena

Akiba: And Car 5150 just took down Car 555-666-777!

Mantis: Shame..I thought the zorb was cool!

Akiba: It certainly did its damage!

John Wayne quickly starts firing rapidly into the doors of the mustang, as Brick speeds off. Wolf smashes into REX, where Snake has Ocelot in a Anaconda Vise

Snakew: DAMMIT! WE’RE BUSY!

Car 41 and the motorcycle race along the edges of the arena, with Johan and Sabin exhcnaging blows./ Sabin quickly points behind the lowrider

Sabin: LOOK! FLASHER!

Johan: Where?!

Johan turns around, but That Hispanic Guy punches Sabin in the crotch. Sabin cries out and crumbles ina heap on the motorcycle. Drebin curses and throws Sabin into his sidecar, taking the bike himself

Drebin: VROOM VROOM MOTHERFUCKER!

Drebin jerks too hard and the motorcycle almost falls over, but Shelley smashes his feet through the bottom of his sidecar and scrapes them off the ground, causing it fall back to its wheel

Shelley: DREBIN! PAY MORE ATT--

Franks muscle car scrapes past the side, leaving the sidecar with a huge scratch and it splits open, causing Shelley to have to lean onto Drebin

Drebin: Goddammit! I can’t steer with you on me!!

Frank: Vince. The honors.

Vince grins and grabs a tire iron, throwing it at the wheel and making the motorcycle flip forward, rolling off the ground and skidding to a halt in a surrender area with Shelley unconscious on the ground and Drebin with no legs

Drebin: ...Ow..my suit!

Mantis: And car Motorcycle is done with!

Sabin falls out his sidecar

Sabin: We lose?

ShelleY: Yes.

Sabin kicks the dirt

Sabin: DAMMIT!

Shelley: Sabin! It’s ok! WE’LL BE BACK!

‘1969' plays as Shelley and Sabin help up Drebin to huge cheers, carrying him into the locker-room. The Spider quickly rushes over and starts to kick car 41

That Random Guy: Damn Spider! You go squish!

Shamrock: HAHAHAHAA!!!

The hearse pulls beside the spider and Jarrett swings his guitar, causing another leg to fall off. The lowrider quickly zoom off, causing the final left leg to snap off and the spider to collapse to one side

Evans: DAMMIT!!!

Shamrock: We can still win!

The spider scuttles lifelessly, firing a web stream at the side of Car OMEGA helplessly

Bisping: At least we can--

Car 18 kamikazes into the side of the spider, causing the entire frame to shatter. The force of the engine pushes both car and spider into a surrender zone

Mantis: And in a fell swoop, Car 18 and Car Spider are out!

Akiba: Car 18 wasn’t going to get further, but a kamikaze took it out!

Sal climbs off his seat and onto the dirt, with the UFC fighters also surfacing

Evans: FUCK!

The UFC guys curse loudly and make their way into the locker-room,. as Frank grabs a bottle of bourbon which escaped amazingly unscathed from under the remnants of the drivers seat. He smashes the neck off and downs the whole bottle in on

Frank: DICK! 5 MORE!

Dick clicks his fingers and leads them into the locker-room

Akiba: And only 9 remain!

Phil iss still hanging onto the side of his van as the lowrider pulls up. Johan stands up and grabs Phil by the hem of his pants. Tavi is latching onto the roof

Tavi: I’M....SCARED!!

Phil: I’VE GOT A TWENTY STONE BEHEMOTH GRABBING ME!!

Cutler leans out and quickly punches Johan, causing him to let go. Phil grabs Tavis hand

Tavi: I LOVE YOU PHIL! THANK YOU!

Phil: ......I suppose it would be a bad time to--

Phil drags her off and she flies into That Hispanic Guy. He quickly crawls over Cutler and into the middle seat. That Random Guyt akes over the steering, only for the van to pull around the other side. Steve revs the accelerator and aims his trident like a lance.

Big Bad Bobby: WE HAVE TROUBLE!!

That Hispanic Guy looks back

Car 41 and Tavi : Ahhhh shi--

Steve lances the lowrider and throws the trident, causing the lowrider to speed forward and smash violently into a wreck in a surrender zone, several gold airbags deploying. A weak-sounding horn rendition of the Spanish Fly squeaks out before dying

Akiba: AND CAR 41 IS OUT!

Crying Wolf bounds towards the wreckage and skids to a halt. The hatch opens and she climbs out, rushing over to That Hispanic Guy

That Hispanic Guy: Hey gorgous..come to save--

Wolf: Out the way dirtbag!

She slaps him out of the car and she holds Tavi

wolf: TAVI?! TAVI???!!!

Tavi: They got me....

Akiba: And Car Wolf has stayed in the surrender zone! IT’S OUT! WE ARE DOWN TO THE BEST!

Wolf: Are you ok?!

Tavi: Did...we..lose?

Wolf: Yes..

Tavi: DAMMIT! But...we always won, right?

Wolf: Right?

They lean down and share a passionate kiss, causing the van to break and the 3 to watch in amazement, Bricks mustang stops and they watch it, as well as Car OMEGA

Steve: Phil! The crazy unhuman ladies kissing your human lady!

Phil: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wolf breaks the kiss softly and looks over at {Phil who flips the bird

Phil: I’M FREE!! EAT THAT MOTHERFUCKERS!!

They stand still for too long, and the hearse smashes into the vans side, causing it to roll across the dirt and smash into the crowd barrier. Car OMEGA quickly revs into action and Johnny Cash leans out

Cash: Goodnight RAT PACK!

He readies a guitar as the mustang pulls beside Als mustang. Al pulls on his Polk High football and grins

Al: READY FOR SOME MOVES?!

The mustang speeds fast towards the wall as the del boy follows

Sinatra: AL?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Al: Watch.

The mustang flies towards the wall, but Cash readies his guitar and leans out, only for the mustang to break and skid to a halt at 90 degrees. The del boy smashes violently into the wall and Cash falls back into his seat. The mustang speeds forward before reversing back, smashing into the del boy and pushing it into the surrender zone where its engine smokes

Akiba: MY GOD! CAR OMEGA HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!

Al Bundy hi-5s Sinatra and Wayne readies his rifle, but the hearse hurtles forward. However, as it does, the black van speeds forward and smashes it before it reaches Als mustang, causing both cars to spin across the dirt, they collide side to side and they smash violently into a surrender, their cars catching fire

Akiba: CAR 66 JUST KAMIKAZED CAR 666!!

Mantis: A fitting end to the hearse!

Al: Let’s rock.

Ocelot hits a Russian Leg Sweep to Snake on the REX and locks him in an STF as Car 50150 hurtles towards the mustang

Akiba: A BATTLE OF THE MECHS AND THE MUSTANGS!

Als mustang quickly pulls away and does a handbrake turn and speeds towards Bricks mustang. De La Rocha leans out the car and starts swinging his dreadlocks, only for Sinatra to smash his head with a mic, causing him to fall back unconscious

Brick: DAMMIT! MORELLO! ITS UP TO YOU!

Morello tunes his guitar as Wayne starts firing rapidly at the mustangs engine. The engine starts to smoke and hiss violently, but Morello leans out and plays a few riffs towards Als mustang, causing it to shudder and smoke violently

brick: KEEP PLAYING!

Morello: GET CLOSE!!

Brick handbrakes and speeds towards the mustang, but Al looks up, grinning

Peggy (In crowd) He can’t be think--

Al revs the mustang and he fires towards Bricks

Bud (In crowd) Mom, you forget..Dads an idiot.

Kelly (In crowd) Maybe one of these days he won’t be so sushicidal..

Bud and Peggy look at Kelly. The 2 mustangs, however, collide violently. The crowd winces in pain as Bricks mustang smashes off the side of Als and rolls across the mud, hitting several bumps and falling apart before smashing into the side of the cageand falling into a surrender zone on its roof. At the same time, Als mustang skids feebly to a halt on its side to the border of the surrender zone

Akiba: AND CAR 71...

The mustang slowly rolls back onto its wheels outside the surrender zone

Akiba: HAS WON!!!!

Several fans bellow out and scale the cage. Al opens the door and raises his arms, making the motion of a touchdown

Crowd: BUNDY! BUNDY! BUNDY!

Snake and Ocelot keep fighting, having technically been eliminated since stepping out of the cockpit. Snake hits Ocelot with a DDT and pins him. Akiba slaps his mic to a 3 count for fun

Akiba: And, in other results, Snake pins Ocelot following a DDT!

Snake raises his arms and kicks Ocelot before sliding down REX and heading through the gathering crowd, to the locker-room. Phil, Steve and Cutler slowly emerge from the burning van

Steve: We win?

Cutler: Sadly..no

Phil: Hey, you smell barbecue?

He looks down at his foot and screams, running around only for Cutler to hold him down, stomping his foot and putting the fire out. Wolf and Tavi, hand in hand, walk over and look down at the smoking Phil

Wolf: Wellllllll...Philly..

Phil coughs out a cloud of smoke

Tavi: Looks like you have..hmm..ZERO women now!!

Phil smirks and flips the bird at her.

Wolf: Phil..honestly..how does it feel?

Phil: Fuck off. I’m....free.

Frank stumbles out of the locker-room, grinning and laying on Phil

Frank: PHIL ISH FREE!!! FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, Kurt Angle and Jeff Jarrett climb out of their flaming wreckage and look at the crowd holding up Al Bundy on their shoulders

Samoa Joe: Wellllllllll I suppose he deserves it..BUT NEXT TIME!

Sabin rushes out and grabs one of Drebins legs, taking an anklet from it and sniggering before running back in

Akiba: And we bid you, the fans of this first Metal Gear Mercenary And Company Destruction Derby a hearty farewell!

Jonathon kicks open the door and points at Akiba

Jonathon: YOU COWARD! WE COULDA WON!


Ed walks in and they both grab Akiba, who screams as they drag him out and the screen fades to black

Cast of Cars and Participants:

Car 41
(That Hispanic Guy
That Random Guy
Johan
Big Bad Bobby)
Car 18
(Frank
Dick Head
Sal
Vince)
Car OMEGA
(Al Murray
Johnny Cash)
Car 50150
(Chuck Norris
Brick
Zack De La Rocha
Tom Morello)
Car Gekkou
(Liquid Ocelot)
Car Motorcycle
(Alex SHelley
Chris Sabin
Drebin)
Car 66
(Steve
Jay Cutler
Phil)
Car 666
(Samoa Joe
AJ Styles
Kurt Angle
Jeff Jarrett)
Car Hotdiggidydog
(Jon
Karab
Dean)
Car 71
(Al Bundy
Frank Sinatra
Dean Martin
Sammy Davis Jr.
John Wayne)
Car 555-666-777
(Obese Maurice
Moe The Midget
MC Hammer)
Car Wolf
(Crying Wolf
Tavi)
Car Raven
(Raging Raven
Bill
That Other Random Guy)
Car Extreme
(Jonathon
Ed
Lemmy
Jimmy)
Car Spider
(Ken Shamrock
Chuck Liddell
Randy Couture
Michael Bisping
Rashad Evans)
Car FINGUNNAWIN
(Outer Haven Troops)
Car 911
(Will
Billy)
Car REX
(Old Snake)

Elimination Order:

Car FINGUNNAWIN (Driver skewered by Steve of Car 66 and crushed under the wheels of Car 66)
=
Car Octopus (Chuck Norris of Car 5150 detached her mask, causing her to see Bob and become normal again. Despite technical self-surrender, Car 5150 gets the elimination)
=
Car HOTDIGGIDYDOG (Car 555-666-777 bounced into it and caused it to fall to its side before Car 66 smashes into it and sent it into a surrender zone)
=
Car Raven (Johan of Car 41 hit a straight headbutt downwards to it, sending Raven skidding into a surrender zone, after the lowrider was jettisoned into the air when Big Bad Bobby pushed them up after being pushed over by Car 666)
=
Car REX (Technical self-surrender after Snake exited the cockpit to fight Liquid Ocelot)
=
Car Gekkou (Technical self-surrender after Ocelot exited the cockpit to fight Solid Snake)
=
Car 911 (Fired a shell, but was kicked away by Samoa Joe of Car 666, causing it to hit the tank and explode, sending it backwards into a surrender zone)
=
Car Extreme (Engine stopped by Johnny Cash of Car OMEGA, then smashed into the locker-rooms by Car Wolf)
=
Car 555-666-777 (Blown away by the dreadlocks of Zack De La Rocha (The so-called Rocha Whirlwind) of Car 5150)
=
Car Motorcycle (Car 18 split open Shelleys sidecar. As Shelley grabbed onto Drebin for safety, Vince of Car 18 flung a wrench, hitting the tires and causing the motorcycle to flip and spin into a surrender zone)
=
Car 18 (Self-surrender after smashing into the side of the spider. Credited with elimination due to the fact Car 18s final attack also eliminated the spider)
=
Car Spider (Legs were taken off by multiple cars before being smashed into the surrender zone by Car 18. Only Car 18 credited with elimination)
=
Car 41 (After throwing Tavi into Car 41, That Hispanic Guy lost steering control. Steve of Car 66 then lanced the lowriders trunk and sent it into the wall and, ultimately, a surrender zone)
=
Car Wolf (Technical self-surrender. Crying Wolf rushed over to check on Tavi who had been part of Car 41s wreckage, meaning both team members were technically eliminated)
=
Car OMEGA (Car 71 pulled out as it sped towards a wall, causing Car OMEGA to hit the wall instead. After reversing at a 90 degree angle straight after, Car 71 then reversed Car OMEGA into a surrender zone)
=
Car 666 (As it attempted to eliminate Car 71, Car 66 hi it head on and sent both wreckages into a surrender zone)
=
Car 66 (Self-surrender. Kamikazed Car 666 into a surrender zone with itself)
=
Car 50150 (Both Car 50150 and Car 71 smashed eachother head on. Car 50150 rolled across the dirt from impacts velocity and smashed into the surrender zone)
=


WINNER

Car 71
(Al Bundy
John Wayne
Frank Sinatra
Sammy Davis Jr.
Dean Martin)

Elimination Winner
Car 666
(Steve
Jay Cutler
Phil)

Most Original Car
Car 555-666-777 (Zorb)
(Obese Maurice
Moe The Midget
MC Hammer)

The One Everyone Loved To Hate
Car 911
(Will
Billy)

Most Damaging
Car Spider
(Chuck Liddell
Ken Shamrock
Randy Couture
Rashad Evans
Michael Bisping)


Fighting Spirit Award
Car HOTDIGGIDYDOG
(Jon
Karab
Dean)