The scene slowly opens in Frank, Bob, Dave and Wills house. Blood has stained the green couch, and the table is covered in spit and bloody phlegm. Will is busy bandaging Franks forehead as he sits in a wicker chair
Will: Damn that Destruction Derby!
Frank: Those anyone know how..or why it started?
Will: Nope..now hold still..I need to pour alcohol on the wound..
Frank: THATS A FUCKING WASTE YOU CUNT!
Will walks ointo the kitchen and opens a cupboard
Will: I know this is a stupid question..but I have to ask..Do you know where all the booze has gone?
Dave walks into the room, reading Gunrunners Monthly
Dave: You’re right. That is a stupid question.
Will: Question answered..FUCK FRANK!!
Dave: You wanna WHAT?!
Will walks over and slaps Dave. Dave stumbles back into an armchair. Will spins, holding his blazer
Will: OWWW!! You just got slapped, bitch!
Dave: You’re gene pool needs a freakin’ bucket of chlorine you cock..
Bob walks out with Octopus, who was bandaging his arm soothingly
Octopus: Look! I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier!
Bob: And how many times do I have to say it’s ok?!
Frank: Laughing Octopus feeling guilty? This is nuts.
Dave: Technically this is before--
Will: Yes. I agree.
Dave: You didn’t even let me finish!
Will: You were gonna break down the 4th wall!
Frank: No, he was gonna paradox
Will: 4th WALL!
Dave: Both of you...shut the fuck up!
Dave: THAT’S IT!
He grabs Franks head and smashes it off the table, causing him to fall unconscious
Will: Jeez Dave! Calm down!
Dave points at him threateningly
Will: AHHH!!! NO NO NO!!
Dave breathes out and grabs a trilby
Dave: I’m off to Drebins, want anything?
Will simply stares at him
Will: Yeah, check into Sals ya schizo!
Dave: FUCK YOU!!
Will flips him the bird and Dave slams the door.
Octopus: Maybe you should try..being friendlier?
Will: Says the psychotic laughing woman!!! THIS IS TOO MUCH!!
Will jumps up, screaming and flailing his arms before diving out of the nearest window and into the street
Bob: .....I’ve never seen him do that before
Frank: In his defence, being a mercenary..he was always going to, technically speaking
Octopus: Anyway, Frank.
Frank: ....I can tell this is gonna be good
Octopus: Gonna commit to Mantis?---Where’d he go?!
A dust cloud lingers in the air and another window is smashed. Bob walks over to the window and watches Frank run down the street towards the Lamb and Flag, wearing only boxers and screaming loudly
Bob: How does he do that?--Oh god, RUN WILL!!
He watches Will turn around and scream loudly, pointing at Frank in his boxers
Will: MY EYES HAVE BEEN SOILED! THIS IMAGE IS BURNED INTO MY BRAIN!
Frank hugs Will, screaming. Will starts screaming and crying loudly
Will: GET OFF ME!! HELP!! RAPE!! FIRE!! UGLY NAKED MAN!! HELP!!
Frank: MANTIS WANTS COMMITMENT!!
At the sound of commitment, both men start to bawl loudly like babies. Jon opens the window of the Dog and Handgun and looks out
Jon: DEAR MOTHER OF CHRIST!!
Brick pops out of the other window
Brick: THIS IS WHAT DRINKING AT THE LAMB AND FLAG GETS YOU!! GAY SCREAMING MAN BEAR LOVE!!
The sound of retching and vomiting in nearby houses
Brick: My job is done!
Brick and Jon lean out of the windows and try to hi-5 eachother, but they fall out and scream, hitting the sands
Brick: I can taste my spleen!!!
Octopus: You mercenaries are the living end...
Night rolls into the Middle East, and several amateur mercenaries are patrolling the streets for a drink. The PMCs, sick of fighting and having flushed the nanomachines temporarily out of their body, are also surfacing for drinks. Frank walks out to the top of his steps, fully recovered from earlier
Frank: Ahh..night-time, will ya smell it?
Bob walks out, wrinkling his nose
Bob: Smells like liquor, sweat, blood and shit!
Frank: I LOVE FRIDAYS!!
Back in Phil, Steve and Wolfs house
Steve: Ready Phil?
Phil: Ehh..i’m gonna stay in
Steve: WHAT?! WHY?!
Tavi and Wolf walk out, dressed up
Tavi: WHEEE!! My first night out!!
Wolf: Thats right babe! We’re going to the Lamb and Flag for a drink!!
Tavi smiles and nibbles her cheek
Tavi: YAY WOLF!!
Phil: Ask question. Get answer.
Wolf: Still sour, Phil? I thought you were happy?
Phil: I didn’t expect you to bring her in to live with us!! I can barely sleep!
Tavi: OH! Stop exaggerating you asshole!
Phil: Hows this for exaggeration? Get out.
Tavi: Thats not exa--
Phil: Ok then. Get the FUCK out.
Wolf: PHIL! You promised!
Phil: Wrong! I was waivered and outvoted!
Wolf: Sheesh..not our fault
Phil looks up at Steve
Phil: It was your vote that really hurt Steve!
Steve: Will tickled me!
Phil: God I hate that cunt
Wolf: PHIL! You can’t say that about your fellow mercenaries!
Phil: Ever heard of justifiable friendly fire?
Phil: Well, you’re about to
Steve: C’mon Phil! Lets go grab a drinky and we can forget all about it!
Phil looks up at Steve
Phil: AH! Why not?!
Phil stands up and runs into his bedroom, walking out instantly dressed up
Phil: Where there’s drinking, I work!
Tavi: Yeah, well, me and Wolf are gonna check out the Half Moon first.
Phil: Pff. Good luck!
Tavi: Whats THAT supposed to mean?!
Phil: Only PMCs and the insane drink there!
Tavi: Yeah? Well i’ve seen that one named Jason go there--
phil: Then I rest my case!
Tavi simply turns around and storms out of the house. Wolf stares at Phil
She stomps over, grabs him by his collar and lifts him several feet into the air. His eyes widen
Wolf: My fingernails mean MORE to ME than YOUR ENTIRE LIFE..want to push
some more?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!?!? WELL?!?!?!?!?!
Phils brain: I dare you for one rush of adrenaline.
Phil: So are you going to order the pizza tonight?
Steve winces as Wolf storms out. He slowly tiptoes over Phil, who’s upside down in a bin in a pile of his own teeth and blood
Steve: Phil...Say something?
Meanwhile, at Sal, Billy and Vinces flat, Sal is dressed in a black silk suit, pouring a small amount of armagnac from his carafe into a small tumbler
Sal: Armagnac Billy?
Billy looks down at him, dressed in a smart shirt and jeans
Billy: No thanks, I don’t want to be a twatty ponce.
Sal: FUCK YOU!
Billy: In your dreams
Vince: Calm down you idiots, it’s Friday Night!! YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!!!
Sal simply looks at him and shakes his head
Vince: THE VODBULL!!
Billy: Ah, sweet!!!
Sal: I think i’ll pass.
Billy and Vince look at eachother. Vince points to himself
Vince points at Billy
Vince points at Sal
Vince: Fucking Jinnah there.
Sal: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
Vince: Stop being all serious Mr. Jinnah and have some fun!
Sal: STOP CALLING ME JINNAH!!!
Billy: Do I have to be Curzon?! He fucked up in the Raj!
Vince: lets just get the Vodbulls out and be happy
Vince runs into the kitchen and comes out with 2 glasses of bright orange liquid. He hands one to Billy
Vince: As ever!
Sal: Thank God you have your own Ferrari now..I wouldn’t be wanting to clean out the vomit and sweat..
Vince and Billy both down the drink in one and wipe their mouths
They both turn to Sal and punch him in the jaw, sending him flying over his leather armchair and onto the Afghan Rug. Vince dusts off his hands
Vince: Foggsy Driving to the bar!
Billy: Ok then..DESIGNATED DRIVER!!
Both men look at eachother and laugh
Vince: Ahh fuck that. We’ll be sozzled.
The Lamb and Flag was fully packed to the brim. Randy Couture, Ken Shamrock , Fedor Emalanienko and Brock Lesnar are sitting at one table, talking amongst themselves. Samoa Joe, AJ Styles, Kurt Angle, Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin are sitting at another, waiting to order food. Kurt Angle looks over at Brocks table. Brock gives a sinister wave
Angle: ONE OF THESE DAYS, BROCK!!!
Brock makes the ‘bring it on’ gesture and Angle bares his teeth, growling. Fedor hurls a glass at them and Angle ducks, flipping the bird
Dick: OI! DON’T MAKE ME GET THE HOSE!
Fedor sits down, grumbling and cursing to himself. Phil, Steve, Dean, Brick and Obese Maurice are sat at one table, where Brick is busy feeding Mr. Moneypennies scraps of eggy bread
Dean: Awesome snake, Brick!
Brick: Aye, he’s the god of snakes!
Steve: He’s growing like he’s human!
Brick keeps feeding Mr. Moneypennies, who has gotten a foot longer and 2 inches wider since Christmas
Brick: Aye, well he is an anaconda
Silence at the table. Nervous looks.
Mr. Moneypennies: Don’t worry my shiznits! I won’t be harming y’all! Y’all my homedogs from the hood!
Quiet cheering and hi-5s.
Phil: Anyone else have a bad feeling about something?
Brick: Come to think of it...I do have a bad chill down me spine..
Sal, Billy and Vince walk in
Phil: Ain’t that, but that’ll be close enough
Sal and Vince walk over to their table and Billy joins Daves table
Sal: Hi guys
Maurice: Vince! Jinnah!
Sal: WHY IS EVERYONE CALLING ME JINNAH?!?!?!?!
Phil: Cause we found an abandoned library on the outskirts of town, hiding from the FROGs. All it was were books about the Raj..
Maurice: Aye, and you remind us of Jinnah: Well dressed but no fun!
Sal: Keep talking..assholes!
Vince grabs a bottle of Bulmers from the bar, slams some money down and rushes over to the table
Vince: Billy? You not joining us?
Billy: We have..things to discuss
Sal: Anyone else have a bad feeling about something?
Phil: Yeah! What the fuck is it?
Maurice: Actually..now i’m getting it..
Tavi flings the door open and flicks back her hair, walking over to an empty table next to Bricks
Phil: Can we confirm this is the bad feeling?
Tavi turns to face him
Tavi: Why are you staring at me?
Tavi flips the bird as Wolf walks in. Wolf takes one look around and walks quickly to sit beside Tavi. Both women start kissing eachother passionately and noisily, the sound of slurping near the table. Phil, Steve, Jon, Sal, Vince, Brick, Dean and Obese Maurice watch, wincing
The kiss starts to get more passionate and Vince clutches his mouth, rushing into the bathroom
Maurice (Quietly): Oi..Dean..dare ya to break it up!
Dean (Quietly): That’d be like suicide! Only a stupid, suicidal maniac would try it!
Phil leans in
Phil (Quietly): You called?
Steve leans in
Steve (Quietly): What are we talking so quietly about?
Phil (Quietly) I don’t know
Steve: THEN WHY DON’T WE SHOUT SO AS NOT TO ATTRACT ATTENTION???!!?!?!?!?!!
Everyone stops and stares at them
Sal, Phil, Maurice: WASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSUP?!!!!!!!!!
The bar quickly goes back to normal and Phil turns to Steve
Phil: Steven Llarrec, if you do that again I am going to whoop yo ass so hard you’ll be spitting shit for a week!
Wolf stops kissing Tavi and turns to their table
Wolf: Am I disturbing you?
Phil: Not at all!
Steve: Pssh! No! Have fun!
Maurice: Aye! Be jolly!
Dean: Yeah! It’s turning me on!
Silence. Everyone stares at Dean
Deans brain: Oops. I think I said that out loud..
Wolf: So..no hard feelings Phil?
Wolf: Y’know..me..being a lesbian an’ all
Phil: No! Psh! This story needs a bigger demographic anyway!
Maurice slaps Phil on the cheek
Phil: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?!
Maurice: One, you’re getting too smart for yer own good. 2, yer breaking the fourth wall. 3, for fun
Phil: Thats wor Maurice!
He gives the Fonzy thumbs up as the door opens and Jon walks in
All: HI JON!
Jon: O HAI.
Moe runs over and headbutts Jon in the stomach. He vomits up what looks to be the Matrix code and wipes his mouth
jon: Sorry guys..Nanomachines..
Frank: You actually injected yourself?
Jon: I thought it was he--
Jons brain: Say it and i’ll break your frontal lobe.
Jon: Healthy vitamins. You know..the sort that makes you feel better?
Frank: Stupid twat...Buy a drink!
Jon breathes a sigh and relief and slaps the bar
Jon: Usual Dick!
Dick looks at him
Dick: You don’t HAVE A usual!
Jon: Then gimme a bottle of Bulmers ya git!
He slaps some money on the counter and Dick hands him his bottle
Jon: ...Dick, where do you get this booze from, considering a lot of major religions in the Middle East area have customs against alcohol?
Dick: You ask too many questions, Jon!
He turns around and sees Tavi and Wolf kissing, collapsing back in a split second
Frank: Thats the fifth one so far.
Dick: Should I get the poking stick? They might be bad for business
Frank: Just wait..
They watch as Phils table huddle and whisper, but turn their attention as the door opens and Will enters, wearing his emerald green suit
Frank: Told you.
Will clutches his blazer by the collar and grins, walking to and sitting down at the same table as Tavi and Wolf
Will: How about we make a cake..two parts you, one part me, mix it together and lets make it three!
Wolf: Out of 10,000 sperm..YOU were the fastest?
The door flies open and Tom Morello runs in
Morello: YOU GOT BURNED!
Morello quickly runs out and Will stands up
He bows to them and turns around, coming face to face with Raging Raven, who has a face contorted into pure evil. The whole bar watches.
Maurice: Ah nah this is entertainment lads!
Dick: Man..should get this on pay per view, Frank, we’d be rolling in it!
Raging Raven: William Studlin...DID YOU TRY AND FLIRT WITH THOSE WOMEN??!?!?!?!?!?!
Frank: WHAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!! WILLIAM!! WI-HIL-I-AM!!!
Raging Raven: SHUT UP!!!!
Frank falls backwards over the bar
Will: Now..ho...honey..you know..I...wouldn’t do ANYTHING! like that!
He turns to face them. Tavi grins. He turns to Coutures table desperately. Couture and Fedor smile and wave goodbye.
Tavi: He was...And it upset me! I hope to have a solid relationship!
She looks at Wolf and they smile at eachother. A lamp near Raging Raven explodes
Phil: Ooo..bye Will!
Raging Raven: William..Studlin...Are you...bored with me?
Will: NO! BABY! I AIN’T! But..I like to play! Experiment! Every man dreams of a threesome!
Raging Raven starts breathing ferally, her fists clenching tighter until a chair nearby sets on fire
Maurice: HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!
The bar watches.
Raging Raven: So..you like threesomes..
She knees him in the stomach and he falls to his knees. She grasps his throat tightly
Bar: WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!
Raging Raven: DO YOU?! DO YOU LIKE TO FUCK WITH TWO WOMEN?!
Will: AHHHH!!! YESS!!! YES!!
Raging Raven lets go and whispers in Wolfs ear. Wolf whispers into Tavis ear. Tavi looks at her for a moment. Wolf whispers something else. They snigger and Tavi points at Will. Wolf nods at Raven.
Raging Raven: You have your threesome. See you tonight hot lips.
Raging Raven turns around and heads towards the door. Phils head slowly raises
Frank: Oh man, looks like Will ain’t done with yet!
Couture: I hope he gives more of a violent fight!
Billy leans over
Billy: He will if he’s getting there..
He watches as Phil slowly stands up, his hands tearing off a chunk of the table
Phil: Wolf....aren’t you going to ask ME what I think of it? The only reason I haven’t pumped you full of lead is because you told me earlier it was only with Tavi, and NOT with another MAN.
Wolf: Phil....I thought our relationship had ended..
Phil: On good terms, or was that a lie too?
Will gets to his feet
Will: Hehe..better get the drinks and viagra in!!
Phil: Well, Wolf?
Wolf: We are friends..but....it doesn’t mean I’ll respect your wishes
Billy: Get the popcorn Couture.
Couture: Will beer do?
Billy turns and faces Phil
Billy: Yes. Yes it will.
Phil: So..my wishes..mean nothing to you? Our relationship..meant nothing to you?
Wolf: it’s not that..
Will: Whoooo!! Gonna get me some Beautiful Beast action tonight...Whats it like, Phil? Rowrrough?!
Wolf sniggers slightly and Phil sits down
Phil: Yes. Yes it is.
Will: Sweet!! Hey, Wolf, do you think i’ll be better?
Wolf: No answer.
WIll: Bet I am!
Phil shoots up and flings a chair at Wills head. The chair smashes violently and Will collapses to the floor. Phil slides over his table and grabs Will by his blazer and shoves him against the bar, punching him in the chest repeatedly
Wolf: PHIL! STOP!
Phil knees him in his sides and Will falls to his knees. Phil takes a few steps back and throws himself at Will, punching him violently in the face and causing both men to fall to the floor. Phil stands up and drags up Will, grabbing him by his throat and pulling his fist back. Wolf grabs his arm
Wolf: PHIL! STOP! STOP NOW!
Phil drops his arm by his side, but kicks Will in the stomach and grabs his right arm, starting to elbow into Wills elbow violently. Will starts screaming in pain, pulling himself free and running for the door. Phil grabs him by his hair and shoves him to the floor, causing his head to smash violently off the floor
Phil: Ok! I’m done with weasely fuck!
Will scrambles up, his nose bleeding and a large gash on his forehead
Will: Next time...The guns are coming out!
Phil steps towards him and Will screams, running outside
Phil: Fucking punk.
Phil walks towards his table and shoves Wolf off
Phil: Get the fuck off.
He sits down at his table, and Maurice noogies him
Maurice: THATS WOR PHIL!!
Phil gives the Fonzy thumbs up as the bar returns to normal
That Random Guys head pops down from the staircase
That Random Guy: You called?
That Random Guy: Cunt.
Frank stands up and grabs his pint glass, growling at That Random Guy
That Random Guy: Don't be hatin' on the Heads of Steel!
Frank: Heads..of Steel?
That Random Guy: FO SHIZZLE!!
He disappears just as quickly as he entered, the sound of clanging filling the room
frank: What the FUCK?!
That Hispanic Guy, That Other Random Guy, Johan and Big Bad Bobby walk in. Johan takes off his welders mask and drops it
Johan: Busy at works! Johan always work hard!
That Hispanic Guy: I gotta admit..that suit you made for Steve was cool
Dick: Hey guys..getting a bit crowded now, eh?
That Other Random Guy: Get us some draught on tap, Dicky! We just finished fixing your car!
Dick quickly pours out 4 glasses of Carling and spreads them on the bar. All 4 walk over and grab the glasses. That Hispanic Guy takes one sip and looks around
That Hispanic Guy: Ey! Everyone dressed up! Must be a Friday! VAMOS WORK!
That Hispanic Guy tears off his dungarees to reveal a white shirt, black tie, dress trousers and leather shoes.
That Hispanic Guy: What?
Shelley: I wish I could do that!
Angle: Do and i’ll break your ankle.
Joe: Angles violent like that. I heard he once headbutted a kitten for looking at him
Angle: Dammit Joe! Thats an urban legend I invented to scare kids!
Joe: And it works!
Couture: WE’RE TRYING TO TALK HERE!!
Shamrock: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
Angle: MAKE ME!!
Joe stands up
Joe: MAKE MY FUCKING DAY!!!
A random group of fans burst through the door
fans: JOES GONNA KILL YA!!!
They leave as quickly as they entered, and Dick quickly unlocks the hose box
Dick: I FUCKING WARNED YOU!!
Joe: Ok! Ok ok!
All of them sit down and the bar returns to normal. That Hispanic Guy and Johan sit at stools while That Other Random Guy sits at Billy and Daves table.
Frank: Hey, *beep*
That Hispanic Guy: Frank, back in your natural habitat I see!
Moe: And we see the dangerous hunter stalking his usual pint!
Frank raises his glass
He downs it in a gulp and sets it down, tapping the bar
Frank: Another one, Dick
Dick: You owe me 150 quid so far!
Frank: I hock the stuff tomorrow, so i’ll pay ya then!
Dick: Lucky you have a good track record!
He takes the glass and fills it up. Will slowly walks back in with a bandaged head and with Raging Raven at his side. Will smirks and sticks his tongue out at Phil. Phil stands up and puts a foot on the table, ready to jump over, but Sal and Steve grab his arms. Raven stares at him
Raven: Do you want to fight my tarzan?
Maurice: Looks like tarzan, fights like Jane
The table cheers and flips the bird at Will, patting Maurice on the back who raises his arms. Phil sits down and Will waves it off, sitting at the last empty table with Raging Raven
Will: Did you really get me a threesome with...Wolf?
Raven: Yes. Yes I did.
Raven: Well, we’re like sisters in the Unit, and she owes me big after I saved her ass in Chechnya!
Raven: We’re special forces Will! We get deployed everywhere!
Will: Heard its nice in Winter.
Raven: It is..
Will: A threesome??!!! REALLY?!!??!
Raven: Yes...but if Wolf calls it off...then you will wish you were never born..
She stares at him darkly, but grins brightly
Raven: LOVE YOU!
Will: Love you too
Will turns to Joes table and mouths ‘Help’
Sabin: Fuck off Will, you made your bed, have sex in it
Wolf and Tavi stop kissing, and Vince sighs
Vince: Mind you, Man..Lesbians all good for watching!
Tavi faces him with a look of hate, Wolf turns her face and whispers sweet nothings as Sal turns to Vince
Sal: Vince, no offence bud..but if ignorance was bliss, you’d be orgasming.
The door flies open and Morello points at Vince
Jeff Jarrett appears and smashes his guitar over Morellos head, making him collapse
Sal: OH MY GOD! IT’S FORMER WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION AND TNA WORLD CHAMPION, JEFF JARRETT!!
The whole bar turns silent and stares at Sal
Phil: Uh, Sal. Jarretts been a regular here since...well, ever.
Sal: I knew that..
Jarrett walks over to Joes table and sits down, slamming the table with his fist
Jarrett: Dammit Joe! That Snake tried to shoot me!
Joe: He did, huh?
He points at Styles, who unbuttons his shirt to reveal a bandage across his chest
Joe: He got AJ. Twice.
Jarrett looks at AJ
Jarrett: That’s probably because he was stupid enough to walk into them!
Styles: Now now Jarrett, at least I’ve killed a FROG WITH MY BARE HANDS!
He raises his fists and bares his teeth, roaring. Jarrett blinks rapidly
Dick walks over
Dick: Alright lads, what’ll it be?
Jarrett: Does the steak come free with the bourbon glaze?
Dick: Yeah, sure.
Jarrett: Oo! I’ll have that!
AJ Styles: I’ll have the ham salad, Dicky!
Joe: Give me the pie and fries...
Shelley: I’ll take...the cheeseburger
Sabin: Two cheeseburgers.
Dick notes it down
Dick: Gotcha guys!
Frank hiccups and Will tiptoes past him, tapping the bar
Will: ..drink please..
Will looks at Frank
Will: Frank, you fucking offend me..
Frank: Cause I drink?
Will: Cause you were born!
Frank stands up and winds his fist, Will looks at him and Frank swings, Will steps back and Frank falls onto his face
Frank: OO! A PENNY!
Frank scrambles up, clutching 5p
Frank: I FOUND CURLYS GOLD!!
He laughs and collapses backwards
Jason: You called?
Fedor stands up and hurls a glass at Jason. Jason screams and runs back upstairs
Shamrock: Oi! Fedor! Whats with the glass throwing?!
Fedor: Automatic reflex.
Dick delivers the food to the wrestlers table and Frank slowly stands up, hiccuping
Frank: PHIL! I’M RICH! RICH! RI--
Phil: Hang on, the bankers calling!
Phil pretends to answer his mobile phone
phil: yeah? I’ll tell him
Phil stands up and points at Frank
Phil: FRANK! I GOT A CALL FOR YOU!
Frank: WHO IS IT?!
Phil: IT’S AN INBRED VILLAGE! THEY WANT THEIR IDIOT BACK!
Frank growls and flies over a table, punching Phil in the jaw. Maurice grabs Frank by his shirt and headbutss him. Will rushes forward and smashes a stool over Maurices back. Maurice simply turns to him and bares his teeth, growling. Will taps his shin with his foot
Will: I AM WILL STRONGO!!
He turns to Tavi and Wolf and flexes dramatically, but Maurice grabs him by the scruff of his neck and lifts him for Sal to jump onto the table and dropkick him. Maurice drops him and Dave leaps onto his back, wrapping his arms tightly around his neck. Dean jumps up and pulls a pair of nunchucks, letting out a martial-arts yell
Dick: OI! NO FIGHTING IN THE PUB! TAKE IT OUTSIDE!
Ken Shamrock jumps up and slams Dean down, only for Phil to stand up and leap onto Franks back, putting them through Tavi and Wolfs table. Wolf screamss and stands up as Sal tackles down Shamrock. Couture stands up and cracks his knuckles as Phil starts to punch Frank in the temple with repeated blows. Tavi grabs Phil in a rear naked choke and pulls him off as Wolf drags up Frank and subdues him
Frank: COME ON! GET SOME!
Phil shoves Tavi off and looks at her
Phil: What the fuck you doing?
Tavi: Y-y-y-you were violent!!
Phil: It’s a bar fight! Anything go--
Billy hurls himself at Phil and knocks him over. Johan jumps up and grabs a tire iron
Johan: No touch Phil! Phil teach Johan england way of speech!
Johan wades through the rubble, only for Jim to slowly walk into the bar
Jim: DAMN! I’M ALWAYS LATE!
Jim drains a random pint glass of its dregs and runs at Johan to try and tackle him. Johan shoves him away and That Hispanic Guy jumps up, snapping a whip at Dave
That Hispanic guy: HAICHA!!
Dave stumbles back and Johan grabs Billy, throwing him off. Wolf hurls herself at Johan and latches herself onto him, clawing at his back. Phil gets up and grabs Frank by the hem of his pants, throwing him at Johan and sandwiching Wolf, sending her and Frank off
johan; Thank Phil. Behind!
Billy jumps on Phils back and takes him down
Dick: I WILL GET THE HOSE--
Moe throws a bottle and it smashes off the wall near Dick, who ducks. Couture stands up and the table flips violently
Couture: SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO RELAX!!
Johan has Frank in a headlock, while Steve and Sal are busy pummeling Will
Shamrock: That’ll be the trick then..
Couture, Shamrock, Emalanienko and Lesnar stand up, walking towards them
Will: CHEATING!!! YOU GUYS RE--
Couture grabs Will in a headlock and starts to choke him as Emalanienko backs Sal to a wall, pummeling him in his stomach
Shamrock yanks up Phil and starts to punch him in the jaw. Phil attempts to swing a punch, but he misses and Shamrock tackles him through a jukebox
Dick: I JUST GOT THAT!!
Dave slaps Lesnar in the kidney
Lesnar growls and grabs Dave by the throat, lifting him up and throwing him down. Maurice quickly yells out and charges Lesnar, sending him down. Brick exits from the bathroom and washes the ensuing brawl
That Hispanic Guy wraps his whip around Billys neck, but Couture slams down Sal and punches him in the temple, sending That Hispanic Guy flying dramatically through a window to the outside.
Billy: Thanks mate!
Couture helps him up, but starts to punch him in the gut. Shamrock grabs Phil and starts to nail him with several elbows
Wolf grabs Shamrock and throws him off, Phil spews several teeth into the air, blood pouring from his mouth
Wolf: Oh dear Phil..no-one to help you..
Phil: Y-y-y-you’re not h-helping m-m-m-me?
Wolf: No..I only help my sugarsnookum..
Phil: Oh..in that case
Phil stands up and pats Wolf on the shoulder
Wolf: You leaving?
Phil walks out the door
Phil: No, just getting a run-up
Phil charges and punches Wolf in the jaw, sending her flying through the nearest table. phil blows on his fist and smirks
Phil: Now THAT’S a knockout!
Phil goes to walk out, but Lesnar uppercuts him, and Phil shoots up, his head smashing through the ceiling and his body dangling and thrashing
Lesnar: THAT’S a knockout!!
Maurice charges him again, and Lesnar sidesteps, tripping him and sending him through the door and onto Will
Will: MY SPLEEN!!
Phils legs struggle
Phil: OH GOD!
Tavi helps up Wolf. Wolf simply leans up and grabs Phils groin, squeezing. Phil screams
Wolf lets go and smirks, turning to Tavi and french kissing her as they walk out of the door. Jarrett is busy finishing his steak as a bottle of bourbon flies into the wall near them
AJ: Damn..getting violent..Pass the dressing, Joe
Samoa Joe hands him some salad dressing
Joe: Always been like this...salt, Angle?
Kurt Angle passes Joe the salt
Angle: Y’know what? Should we just leave?
Jarrett: No! We can’t leave..right, Shelley?
Shelley: Nope. Noooo leaving.
Angle: Don’t you guys get bored with the violence, the randomness and the drinking?
Angle: ..Fair enough
Reigns: You should really think--
Billy tackles Evans through the table. Jarrett sits there, his knife and fork in mid-air where his plate used to be
Jarrett: ......Get the Scot
The table jumps up and roars, charging at Billy, who runs off screaming. Phil falls from the ceiling and smashes through a chair
Shamrock rushes over, but Shelley clotheslines him
Lesnar taps Shelleys shoulder. He leans back and looks back, screaming and running behind the randomly appearing Luther Reigns. reigns folds his arms and stares up at Lesnar before they start exchanging blows. Raging Raven pops her head in and stares as Frank has Will in a headlock and is punching him violently.
Dick: RIGHT! EVERYONE! LISTEN UP!”
The brawl continues. Maurice charges in and takes down Sal and Vince, while Brick is busy smashing a table leg over That Random Guys back. Dick pulls out a hose
Shamrock: SHIT! HE GOT THE HOSE!
The brawling stops immediately and every turns to Dick
Dick: That is it! You all take this onto the streets and take the wounded and dead with you! NOW!
No-one moves, but Dick flips a switch and water starts spraying everywhere. Frank cries out and falls back
Frank: HELP! I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A CLEAR, NON-ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE!
They all rush out the door. Billy has Will over his shoulder while Sal drags Phil out over the rubble. They all turn to face eachother in the streets, breathing heavily and soaked by water
Frank: ...Same time next week lads?
The crowd murmurs in agreement and cheers. Jarrett claps his hands together
Jarrett: Ok slapnuts! I heard the Half Moons got a special and the Dog And Handgun has free lapdances to those who conquer the Yard Glass challenge!
Billy: That’s Franks territory.
Everyone laughs in agreement
Frank: Everyone split up, go home..go drink, and we’ll meet up next week!
The crowd raises their fists and yells in agreement. Steve turns around and runs into a wall before getting back up
Shamrock: Seriously, the last thing you need is more brain damage dude
Steve: Dain bramamage?
Shamrock: ...I rest my case
The door of the Half Moon opens and Screaming Mantis walks out, clutching 2 yard glasses
Mantis: Whoever can conquer it gets me tonight!
Maurice: But Franks the only one stupid enough ta try!
Mantis: Correct Maurice. Very correct
Crowd: WHAYYYYYY!! FRANK! FRANK! FRANK!
Couture, Angle, Sal and Billy shoves Frank out of the crowd. Frank looks around and grins
Frank: SHOULD I!?!??!?!?
Crowd: GO ON, FRANK!!
Frank grabs both glasses and starts to drain them at inhuman speeds. Mantis claps rapidly and cheers on as Frank drains them, slamming both glasses to the ground, smashing them and raising his arms. Dave runs over and raises his arm
Dave: THE WINNER AND THE INSANE ONE! FRANK DANIELS!
The crowd cheers wildly and Frank turns to Mantis, french-kissing her passionately.
Phil: I could have gone my whole life without seeing that............
Steve: I’m gonna puke!!
Both lay on top of eachother and the crowd screams. Dispersing rapidly
Sal: What the--
Sal, Billy, Steve Dean, Phil, Shelley, Angle, Couture, Shamrock, Will, Raven, Jon, Dean and Dave are sitting in the Dog and Handgun
Sal: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED THERE?!
Phil: Wow..horrific images make men run so fast..
Raven: And women!
Will: Yesh! Women too!
Sal: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED THERE??!!
Jon: Can someone explain to me where this traffic cone came from?
Jon holds up a red traffic cone with a black lacy thong dangling off it
Dean: Think thats bad?
Dean holds up his wrists to reveal pink fluffy handcuffs on them
Shamrock: Times advanced 2 hours to...
Sal: 3 now..
Jon: I think its chucking out time..
Shamrock: Its your bar, Jon!
Jon: Oh yeah..
Jon vomits on the floor, his eyes twitching
Jon: I’ll clean it up later..
Sal: Wow..I think we’re...drunk beyond time, fellas..
Phil: I ain’t. I’m sober
Sal: Really Phil?..
Phil stands up and falls to the floor
Phil: FUCK! I’M FALLING!
He holds onto the floor, as if for dear life, until Steve, rosy cheeked, laughs and tumbles on top of him, dragging him up
Dean Martin: You know you’re drunk if you can’t lay on the floor without holding on!
Brick: DEAN MARTIN?!
Dean Martin looks at them
Martin: YOU DIDN’T SEE ANYTHING!!! ...Right?!?!?!
He vanishes in a blue haze
Couture: Was that the drink or the insanity talking?
The door opens and Tavi and Wolf enter, looking at Phil and Steve
Wolf: We’ve came to take the men home..
Phil watches through the open door as Sabin starts to unicycle past uneasily, slowly being chased by a highly drunk, crawling Obese Maurice
Tavi and Wolf walk in, and Frank crashes through the door with a bra on his head
Frank: I AM..BRA MAN!!
He makes a superhero pose.
Sal: You’re fucking weird
Frank: SILENCE! YOU SHALL NOT CHALLENGE BRA MAN!
Couture: Bra mans fucking weird.
Steve: Is he real?
Steve squints slightly and falls off his stool
Brick: Dude! You like totally fell!
Screaming Mantis runs in, wearing only a long vest covering her body and thighs
Mantis: Frank! Frank!
Frank: IT IS..BRA MAN!!
Phil slowly stands up and raises his hand to speak, but slowly falls forward and flat on his face
Mantis: Ok Bra Man..wanna go for round two in the Mantis Pub?
Frank: DO I EVER!!!
Wolf: Is that a sex joke, Mantis?
Mantis: Try it Wolfy baby..it’s called drunken sex! You’d love it!
MAntis jiggles her chest slightly and pulls Frank out of the Dog and Handgun. Brick stumbles up
Brick falls onto the strip club podium and starts snoring loudly, with Mr. Moneypennies wriggling out his pocket and slithering towards the bar
Mr. Moneypennies: Where all da snake wimmen at?!?!?!
Wolf: Ok you two..c’mon..
Phils head shoots up, sniffing the air
All but Steve and Phil charge out. Wolf restrains both of them
Phil: Ya used to be fun Wolf! YA USED TO BE FUN!
She leans dfown and french kisses him violently. Phil lashes out, screaming before she breaks it
phil: YOU FUCKING PSYCHOPATH!!!!!!!
Phil and Steve stumble up and Wolf sighs, linking arms with Tavi and walking into the street. They watch as Moe runs past in a bikini, chasing Jimmy with a whip
Phil: Dude..you totally see that?!
Steve: Yeah dude..like...woooooowww..
Bob and Octopus walk by. Bob looks at Phil who quickly pulls himself free of Wolfs grip
Bob: My God..Phil?! WHAT HAPPENED?!
Wolf: What do you mean?
Bob: Phil..drunk? No. It can’t be!! WHAT AMBUSH?! WHERE?!?!?
Octopus walks over and takes his arm
Octopus: Bob..I think Phils drunk
Bob: What? How?
Phil looks up at the sky and points, screaming
Phil: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! SHOOP DA WOOP!!! HE’S-A CHARGING HIS LAZER!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Bob: Oh. THAT. You can’t blame me for not realizing, I thought he was acting normal!
Wolf: So..you two went drinking?
Octopus and Bob snigger
Octopus: Drinking? Wolf. Friend. We went for a DATE.
Octopus: You know: A date.
Wolf tilts her head and shakes her head
Octopus: You serious? Phil never took you out on a date when you two were together?
Tavi: Hey! Wolf! We can go out on a date one time!
Wolf: What is this date thing? It sounds interesting
Shelley and Sabin ride by on horses, stopping beside them and making the Motor City Machineguns hand gesture. Sabin slaps Shelleys horse and it rears up wildly. Shelley screams and falls off, hanging off with one foot in the stirrup
Shelley: FUUUUUCKKK!!! SABIN!!!!!! YOU CUNT!!!
Sabin looks back and screams as Fedor Emelianenko points at them
Fedor: THEY! THEY STOLE MY LAST PACKET OF PEANUTS!
Sabin: RUN SHELLEY! RUN!
Sabins horse rides off quickly, and Shelley dangles there, flailing wildly. Octopus walks over and slaps the horse, it rears up wildly and shoots off, with Fedor in quick chase
Shelley: THANK YOU CRAZY LAAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyy.......
Octopus: Everyone gets one.
Octopus: You go out. A meal, a movie, a romantic sightseeing...we just went to the little lake in the small forest on the outskirts of this desert? Wow. Really beautiful when the moon catches it!
Wolf: Awwwwww!! Lets go there, Tavi!!
Octopus: I’;ll give you the directions later!
Wolf: Wow! And a dinner?
Bob: Yes! Take eachother to a nice restaurant, have a great meal and split the check!
Phil: NO! DON’T FIRE YOUR LAZER! NO LAZER!!
Wolf shoves Phil to the ground, listening to Octopus. Phil gets on all fours and starts running around in circles. Steve gets on all fours and they run at eachother, headbutting eachother and making barking noises. Tavi sighs and rubs her tail achily, grabbing Phil and dragging him to his feet
Octopus: We’ll give you the locations later, me and Bob are gonna relax..
Bob waves goodbye and starts to walk off, Octopus leans in
Octopus (Quietly): We’re gonna rock the house down to its foundations. Watch and learn
She winks and runs after Bob, jumping on his back and wrapping her arms around him, both vanishing into the night
Wolf: Lets get the dogs home then..
Phil and Steve slowly stumble around
Phil: Hi-ho..hi-ho..off to home we go...
Tavi: Me and Wolf are gonna check out Drebins first..
Phils brain: Oh. Shit.
Tavi: I can’t believe my silver locket went missing..
Phils brain: OH SHIT.
Tavi: I am going to tear the throat out of whoever sold it..It means more to me than anyones life..
Phils brain: Thats it. I’m putting in for donorship.
Phils brain: Stop talking aloud you cunt! THAT’S WHY YOU MORON!!
Tavi: Was it you?
Phil: Pfft. If it was, I would have moved out of this place when I did.
Tavi walks forward and pecks his cheek
Tavi: You can be such a sweetie.
Silence. Wolf and Tavi link arms and walk towards Drebins, where Drebin is sitting outside in a deckchair, giggling to himself and drinking Cobra
Steve: Phil...did you lie?
phil: I..don’t know!
Steve: Did you steal it and sell it?
Phil: I..don’t know!
Both men wrap an arm around the other shoulders and stumble over and up the steps, as soon as they enter their house and shut it, there’s a knock on the door. Phil walks forward and answers it. Johan and Big Bad Bobby are stood there
Johan: Phil. Triumph motorcycle you order here. Thanks for money. I LIKE YOU PHIL!!
Johan leans forward and bearhugs him groggily before putting him down and walking off, hiccuping
Phil: .........Ah shit.
Phil and Steve open the door and shut it. Phil slowly walks down the steps and strokes the motorcycles chrome handlebars
phil: Always wanted a Triumph Thunderbird 1956..
Steve: Looks purty!
Silence. Sound of slamming. Tavi walking out of Drebins shop carrying her locket and sobbing into Wolfs shoulder.
Steve: You better hide that thing!!
Phil tears a note from the gas tank and opens it
Haha! Gotcha this after hocking Tavis locket! Best of luck mate!
Phil looks down at the note. Tavi storms over and grabs his shirt collar
Tavi: YOU SON OF A BI--
Steve stops her and points to the note. Silence.
Phil: Steve...Get the nutcrackers.
Phil looks up
Phil: Cause Wills about to lose his studlin.
Tavi: Phil..you didn’t hock the locket?
Phil: Does it look like i’m stupid enough to do that?!
Phils brain: Well, you are.
Phil slaps his temple
phils brain: OW! YOU BITCH!
Tavi: Oh..Phil..you still care..
Tavi looks at him and grins before looking back at Wolf, who grins widely
Tavi: We can give you one better...
Phil stares at them
Phil: Oh lord, please not that.
Tavi: If me and Wolf spent the night with you..who would protect Will..from the almighty violent wrath of Raging Raven?
Phil stares at her.
Phils brain: On one hand, you have psychological and physical destruction..on the other, sex and Wills annihalation.
Phil keeps thinking for too long. Tavi and Wolf grab his arms and start to drag him into the house
phil: NO! STOP! I DIDN’T CONSENT! DID NOT CONSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNTT!!!!
They drag him into the house and lock the door. Will runs out of his flat, his back on fire and screaming wildly, running down the street. Raging Raven jumps over the steps and gives chase at inhuman speeds
Raven: I WANT YOUR BLOOD ON TOAST WILL STUDLIN! I WANT YOU TO DIE!! DIE!!
Frank slowly pokes his head out of the door and points
Screaming Mantis walks out, wearing a silk robe and wraps her arms around Frankls back. Frank grins and turns to her
Frank: How about sex by the fireplace?
Bobs voice from his and Octopus’s bedroom: WE DON’T HAVE A FIREPLACE!!
Silence. Frank stares at the fire caused by Raven in the middle of the floor.
Mantis: Who cares? Lets rock.
Frank screams in joy and slams the door as the scene fades.