At The Beach

The scene opens inside the Lamb and Flag. All the mercenaries are sat at different tables as Dick stands in front of the bar, tapping the wood and checking his watch with a sour look on his face. Will coughs and Brick lets out a squeaky fart. Sal turns to him and headbutts him, knocking him out instantly. Tavi and Wolf sit there, patiently, until Wolf coughs and punches the table

Wolf: I don’t understand why we’re waiting?!?!?!?!

Octopus: Wolf..Calm..We need to get every mercenary in! DIdn’t you two used to be such good friends?

The door flies open and Phil and Steve finally walk in. Phil looks absolutely pissed

Phil: WHY DOESN'T THE WORLD JUST DIE?!

Octopus: ...O..k

The whole bar turns to face him

Phil: Walking into an alley, I managed to find some unpicked dead bodies. Gold chains, watches. Everything was fine, going good,..until YOU!

Phil points at Steve

Phil: You decide to run around twirling that noise-tube in happiness. And that gets Snake onto us!!

Steve: Hey! I didn't know he was there!

Phil: THE BARREL HAD LEGS!!!

Steve: It might have been a walking barrel?

Phil: Steve..why is it everytime I get to know you, I keep on thinking the only reason you have a head is to keep rain out of your neck?

Steve shrugs

Phil: So, once Steve had vanished down an early and Snake had choked me enough. I noticed the rat Patrol standing over me

Phil spits out a tooth

Phil: Akiba and Meryl may be easy to get away, but when it comes to Ed and Jonathon..well.. Two bulking brickhouses don't take the words 'Fuck off' lightly..After they'd beaten me and taken the watches off the bodies, I finally managed to try and loot one..Now, is a body supposed to stand, and are you supposed to feel a hazy mind?

Steve: Ye--

Phil: NO! Because it turns out Psycho Mantis' spirit was floating around the area. he thought it would be nice to play a joke...so, after an hour of doing the funky chicken with my head wobbling, Psycho Mantis decided to make me forget the lyrics of Blue Bayeux before buggering off with the bodies! All I want is a nice, cool beer........Why are you all organized?

Dick: Ermm..mate..we've all organized a trip to the beach..

Phils eyes scan the room

Phil: Really Dick?.......

Dick: Yes, we're all going to the beach! Will, Steve, Brick, Jimmy, Billy, Jon, Johan, Big Bad Bobby, Maurice, Moe, Laughing octopus, Crying Wolf--

Phil: I’ll pass.

Frank: I like how he thinks he has a choice!

Phil screams

Phil: YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS!!WITH!!! HER!! THE TRAITOR!!

Frank: Do it or you’re fired.

He cries out helplessly and collapses backwards

Will: Poor guy.

==

As everyone starts to set up their places on the beach, Sal, Brick, Vince and Jon put down sunloungers as Phil and Vince lay down red towels next to eachother. Phil lays on his blanket and puts his arms behind his head

Phil: Well, i'll be fine after a beer..

He leans up and puts a hand on the cooler, but Vince slaps his hand off

Vince: Phil..

Phil: Can’t I get drunk? Frank always gets drunk!

Vince points to Frank, who is lying unconscious clutching a bottle of beer, his skin slowly getting red

Vince: The main difference is that he will be as red as a lobster

Wolf walks in front of Phil and steps backwards to reveal a polka-dot bikini

Phil: ITSY-BITSY TEENY-WEENY YELLOW POLKA DOT BIKINI!!!!!!!!!!

Wolf: Yup!

She gives a small grin and Phil collapses. Will leans over from his blanket and looks up at her

Will: Do you know why he always does that?

Wolf shrugs and Will waves it off, taking off his shirt to reveal a hairy chest

Will: Ahhh..

Tavi walks by, wearing a red bikini and carrying a towel in her arms. She lays out the towel next to Wolf and sits down

Tavi: Wow..Wolf..looking good sunshine!

Wolf: You too!

Will grabs his suntan lotion and starts to apply it vigorously to himself

Will: Ahhhh..Relaxation and primping..

Sal: All of which scream ‘Prick’

Will sits up and starts hitting Sal with the bottle repeatedly. Sal screams and jumps up, only for Will to put on his sunglasses and lay back

Will: Now be a good boy..

Sal: You’re a git!

Will: I know.

Frank lays down a blanket near Vince and sets down a beer cooler, grinning to himself and rubbing his heads

Frank: Drinking! My favourite past-time!

Dick Head walks onto the beach and sets down a flannel picnic cloth, sitting on it. Obese Maurice and Moe The Midget climb out of their Humvee which they have parked at the sands edge and climb out, walking to the picnic cloth and sitting down

Dick: You brought the stuff, Maurice?

Maurice puts down a wicker basket the size of a computer desk

Dick: Sweeet! You got the chicken?

Maurice: BBQ, original and honey!

Dick: OH MAM!

Billy and Steve stand up, walking towards an ice-cream vendor situated near them

Billy: Two vanillas my good man!

Vendor: Certainly!

Frank watches as they get served and sits on the edge of his sunlounger, rubbing suncream onto his arms

Frank: Always nice to have a day out..

He feels hands rubbing his back and closes his eyes

Frank: Mm..thats good..Hang--What the--

He turns around to see Screaming Mantis behind him, rubbing lotion into his back

Mantis: Do yours if you’ll do mine?

Frank: hehe..for sure!

Wolf leans up and listens, scooting over to Tavi who’s laying on her stomach. She squirts some cream into her hand and starts rubbing it into her back

Tavi: Mmm..ooo..

Wolf: Do yours if you’ll do mine?

Tavi: Mmm..sure..keep going...mm..Oo..

Her tail starts flicking and it hits Phil in the face. Phil shoots up and looks around

phil: Huh..wha--Control that thing!

Tavi turns her head and looks at him

Tavi: Hmmm...No.

Her tail slaps him in the face and Phil gets in a fighting position

Phil: OH! ITS AWN!

The tail slinks around him and slaps him in the back. He screams and starts twitching

Tavi: Sunburn: Mans greatest enemy

phil: MY BACK!!

Phil: OH GOD!! OWW!! OWWWW!!

He shoots forward and flies into the sea, laying down on the waves and sighing as a huge amount of steam goes up

Tavi: PHIL!!! WAVE!!

He looks back at her, confused, but raises his hand slightly. She waves frantically and points behind him

Tavi: NO!! PHIL!! BIG WAVE!!

Phil turns and screams as a huge wave crashes down on him and sweeps him up to the beachfront, right to Wolfs feet

Wolf: Mm..we should go for a dip!

Dick: The sea washed up a Phil, do we open and check the message?

Maurice: No, but is it bad luck? Do we toss it back?

Jon watches Mantis roll onto her stomach on Franks lounger, undoing her bikini top. He quickly grabs his blanket and runs over, placing it down and laying between Vince and Sal

Jon: Hi guys!

Vince: Hey! Jon! Hows things?

Jon nods to Frank. Vince leans up slightly and screams, rolling onto his stomach with his head in his arms

Vince: I SAW SIDEBOOB! I SAW SIDEBOOB!

Sal points at him and laughs, pouring at a small cup of tea from his flask and smelling it

Sal: Ahh...Earl Grey..the king of teas..

Brick sits on Vinces blanket and hands him his vanilla icecream. He stops sobbing and takes it, licking it with a disturbed look on his face

Brick: Sal...we’re at the beach! Cut the silver-spooned crap and act normal!

Sal: Ok then.

Will lays back, smothering himself with something. Sal leans up slightly and looks at him

SaL: Uhhh..Will?

Will: Yes, my ugly friend?

Sal: Why are you putting mayonnaise on yourself?

Will looks at him

Will: Its suntan lotion

Sal leans over and looks at the bottle, patting Wills back

Sal: Enjoy your improved recipe, better taste suntan lotion..

Will: WHAT?!

Will stares at the bottle and smells his arm. He retches and screams, running across the beach and divebombing into the water. Sal grins and lays back

Sal: My job..is done

Brick leans over and hi-5s Sal

Brick: The dude still has it!

Both point at eachother

Both: OWWWWWW!!!

Johan and Big Bad Bobby throw the beachball up and Johan catches it

Johan: GO LONG BOBBY!

Bobby runs as Johan throws it, bouncing off Bob and into Bobbys hands

Bobby: Nice deflection Bob!

Bob looks up, half-asleep

Bob: Uhh..yeah, deflection, yeah

Octopus sits up in her sun lounger

Octopus: You guys wanna play piggy in the middle?

Johan: YES!!

Octopus jumps up and runs between Bobby and Johan. Bobby throws the ball in an arch and it lands in Johans hands. Johan throws it with such force it shoots past Octopus and Bobby and crashes through the vendors counter, hitting him in the crotch. Hois eyes nearly pop out and he screams, collapsing in a heap. Billy stands there, staring at the hole

Billy: I..think that’s 100 points for Johan!

Steve slowly walks over and looks at the vendor

Steve: Oh my! Are you ok?!

The vendor screams and lashes out in violent pain

Billy: Ah think he’s done lads!

The vendor starts crying blood, twitching more violently. Billy and Steve slowly step back

Steve: Should we call an ambulance?

Billy grabs the ball and throws it to Bobby, Bobby catches it and Billy and Steve slowly step back

Billy: If the police want us..it was the huge-ass Hispanic!

Steve: Well, they can’t miss him!

Johan: Uhh..Oops.

Octopus laughs loudly and inhumanly. Silence. She eventually stops and breathes heavily, slapping her knees

Octopus: You’re good!

Johan; Thanks. Crazy lady.

Frank and Mantis have unfurled a 6-foot tall windbreaker and erected it in the sands around Franks sunlounger. Mantis walks in.

Jimmy: Whats the deal, Frank? There’s hardly any wind..

Frank: Uhh..yeah. Wind.

He rushes in and fastens it. A bikini set flies over the top and onto Jimmys lap. He sits there, shaking and shoves it off, wrapping his arms around his knees and rocking back and forth. Vince rushes over and grabs Jimmy, simply dragging him along the sands as he’;s in the foetal position

Vince: Jimmy! The foetal position doesn’t work! We just scream and try to interrupt it as much as possible!

A pair of bermuda shorts fly into the air in slo-motion. Will looks up and screams, covering his face with his arms. They drift along in the wind and cast a shadow over Sal, who starts flapping his arms and cawing like a raven. Brick, Jimmy, Vince and Jon dive for cover until the shorts land on Dicks head. Dick sits there, holding a chicken wing, paralyzed

Dick: These shorts..smell..

Dick takes them off and looks at them, screaming wildly. Moe quickly gets a pair of tongs and takes the boxers. Maurice grabs a lit match he was going to light a chocolate fondue set with and takes it to the shorts, setting them alight. They breathe a sight of relief and Moe tosses the ashes into the sands.

Wolf: Thats all good, guys, but whats he going to wear AFTER?

Silence. Maurice grabs a cloth used to wrap a honey-glazed ham in and throws it as hard as he can, landing Franks windbreaker. He breathes a sigh of relief and Moe salutes him

Moe: Me thinks you deserve a medal!

Dean: I’ll second that!

Phil opens an eye and sits up, watching Tavi rub lotion onto Wolfs back

Phil: For any other man, this would be arousing. Why does it turn my blood cold?

Tavi faces him and clicks her fingers

Tavi: I know why..

She quickly stands up, grabbing a blue windbreaker and starting to set it up. Phil steps back, but as he goes to leave. He finds the windbreaker set up around him, her and Wolf and their blankets

Phil: ......Oh

Tavi takes her top off and starts to rub the lotion into Wolfs back. They both snigger and Wolf plays along, moaning erotically. Phil claws at the windbreaker fabric

Phil: HELP!! HEEEEEEEEELLLPPPP!!!

Wolf gets on all fours and crawls to face Phil

Wolf: Mmm..master want to play?

Phil stops, thinking

Phils brain: What you waiting for, Christmas?

Phil: What do you think? Should I hit it or give it a miss?

Phils brain: Shoot it and don’t miss!

Phil: Hmm..

Phils brain: So..windbreaker, 2 really hot girls..what would the logical man do?

Phil turns around and starts scaling up the windbreaker fabric

Phils brain: I forgot. You haven;t got an ounce of logic in you. You probably think its a type of curry.

Phil grabs the edge of the windbreaker and looks down at them

Phil: NOT IN PUBLIC! THE MOANS WOULD ATTRACT ATTENTION!

Silence. Wolf and Tavi murmur in agreement

Wolf: SO TONIGHT??!?! OR WHEN WE GET PRIVACY?!?!?!

Phils brain: Dig yourself a grave...here’s the bullet..

Phil: YEAH!!!

Phils brain: BANG! He cannot miss at that range!

Phil climbs over the windbreaker and falls to the sands. Silence. Everyone watches him.

Phil: STOP! What about Frank and Mantis?!

Silence. Everyone looks at the windbreaker rocking violently and murmurs in agreement before turning back to normal. Dean sits back in his sunlounger, looking around easily

Karab: Everything alright, Mr. Chevrolet?

Dean: Karab, it’s Dean for Gods sake! And..yeah..I feel..uneasy

Karab: Why?

Dean: I NEED GREASE!!!

Karab: Wha?

Dean: My kebabs! My pizzas! Even my salads! All it is hear is this thing called..’Iced cream’...EWWWW!!! I NEED SOME GREASE KARAB!!

Moe looks back

Moe: Will someone shut him up?!?!?

Dean: I NEED GREASE MOE!!!

Moe sighs and throws him a tub of Vaseline on the sands near him. Dean opens the lid and hugs it, kissing it

Dean: You’ll do..you’ll do..

Moe: ...He ain’t normal!

Dick: Less so when he finds out you just threw him Franks...lubricant

They watch as Dean smells the lubricant and starts screaming so loudly he passes out in 5 seconds. Dick leans in and hi-5s Moe

Dick: Legendary!

Maurice: Lets never let him forget lads!!

Karab fans Dean to try and awaken him, looking at the lube and passing out himself

Moe: Him neither

Maurtice: Ah..but we can’t bribe the kebab man!

Sounds of murmuring and agreement around the 3. Sal sits on his lounger, drinking his Earl Grey as Brick and Vince are kicking a beachball around the sea. He smells the air

Sal: I’m in the mood for BBQ..Maurice?

Maurice: Yeah?

Sal: Any BBQ CHicken?

Dick: We didn’t bring any!

Sailence. Sal looks down at Jon, who’s asleep on his stomach, his back red raw and smoking slightly

Sals brain: Possible legendary moment here.

Sal looks around

Sal: maurice? Got a raw egg?

Maurice roots around in his hamper and grabs several eggs, tapping them.

Maurice: Aye! This one!

He runs over and passes it to Sal before rushing back to Moe and Dick. Sal licks his lips and pulls a loaf of bread out of his own small hamper, cracking the egg onto Jons back

Sal: Ahhh...Eggs Over Jon!

Jon snores loudly and Sal grates some pepper onto the gently frying egg

Sals brain: Classic!

Bob is sitting on the blanket and rubbing suncream into Octopus’s bacl

Octopus@: Oo..Mm..right there..

Mantis: Oo..Mm..right there..

Bob: Two views on entirely contrasting subjects..

Bob watches as Billy shoots across the surf on a Jetski with Jimmy on the back, wakeboarding

Jimmy: LOOK AT ME!!

Phil watches from the shoreline and gives a thumbs up, but the wakeboard flies off Jimmys feet and hurtles towards Phil. Phil dives to his feet, but watches as the wakeboard flies off over the horizon. Bob jumped to his feet, and is clutching a Cricket Bat

Bob: STEEERIKE!!!

Phil looks back at Bob

Phil: Fuck man..Thanks!

Bob: No problem. Just be thankful I'm the one saving your hide.

Phil: I could have avoided this shit by not going for a drink

Bob points and laughs

Bob: COMEUPPANCE!!! WHAAYYYAYAYAYAYAYY!!!!

They both watch as Jimmy flies over them, screaming and bouncing across the sand, sliding to Will and Ravens feet

Will: ...Wow, the tourists outta stop feeding this pigeons, they’re getting bigger!

Jimmy spits out sand and looks up at him

Jimmy: I DARE you to try wakeboarding!

Will: I’m part of a better sport! It’s called Looking Good! Now fuck off Conference player!

Jimmy: or what?!

Raven rolls onto Will and straddles him. Jimmy scrambles away

Jimmy: OK! OK! YOU WIN! OH GOD! I SURRENDER!

Raven looks back at him and sticks her tongue at him, rolling off

Jimmy: YOU BASTARD!

Jimmy runs up and taps Ravens shin with his foot

Jimmy: Ha! Showed you!

He taps her shin again

Jimmy: Woo! King Jimmy!

Billy walks along, drenched from the sea and grabs Jimmy in a headlock, dragging him off to the changing rooms

Raven: I love the Scottish!

Johan and Steve leave the vendor, eating ice-creams

Steve: So..Johan? Like the icey-creamy?

Johan: Johan likes this weird ice cream! I LOVE THE MINT-CHOC-CHIPPYNESS!

Bob and Octopus stand up

Bob: You want one?

Octopus: Yeah! I’ll have brazilian mango with a strawberry glace.

Bob: .......Uh....How about a strawberry top?

Octopus shrugs

Octopus: Works for me

Sal is busy eating his egg sandwich which cooked on Jons back.

Sal: I can’t believe The Guys and Dave got off this trip..

Dick: They have to work!

Sal: Then why are Johan and Bobby here?

Dick: In the words of them and Dave: We have better things to do than sit around on a stinking beach. Apparently, they got tickets to the Tijuana Lowrider Carnival

Sal: Tijuana?

=Flash=

The scene cuts to Tijuana where cops have raided on a convention full of different coloured lowriders. That Hispanic Guy, That Random Guy, That Other Random Guy and Dave are crouched behind a display of rims

That Hispanic Guy: Fucking putas..now what?

That Random Guy: Who could’ve guessed it was also a drug-running convention!

That Other Random Guy: At least I got this funny hat!

He laughs and rubs the rim of a giant sombrero. That Hispanic Guy grabs it and throws it to the ground

That Other Random Guy: Dammit, *Beep*, lighten up!

That Hispanic Guy: You wanna be Bubbas Puta? You let the polizia catch you, then!

Several police swarm around the rim display

Dave: ...Shit.

Dave stands up and pushes the display, it falls over and sends the police flying. They quickly hop over the rims and dive into the seat of the nearest lowrider. That Hispanic Guy honks the horn and ‘The Spanish Flea’ starts playing

That Hispanic Guy: HOLD ON!!

He cranks the engine and undoes the handbrake, the lowrider flying off the stand and out of the wooden fence, hurtling towards a nearby port

=Flash=

Dick: Don’t worry! I’m sure they’re having fun!

Franks head pops above his windbreaker, his hair scruffy

Frank: Anyone got a beer?

Maurice: No viagra left, mate?

Laughter across the beach

Frank: Let me just say I need some taste for the furry cu--

Screaming across the beach. Brick himself buries his head in the sand, flailing his arms. Maurice hurls him a can of beer and Frank catches it, grinning

Frank: SKOL!!

He disappears and Brick pulls his head from the sand

Johan: You look like ostrich there!

Brick: How did you not hear that?!

Steve and Johan point to their ears, which have cotton buds inside them

Brick: Lucky bastards

Brick kneels beside Sal and opens his pocket, letting Mr. Moneypennies slither out, who’s wearing sunglasses and one-legged “bermuda shorts”

Mr. Moneypennies: Alright mah homedogs! Partay on the beeach!

Mr. Moneypennies starts slithering towards Jon

Mr. Moneypennies: Anyone else smell some egg in the hiz-air?!

Sal nods

Sal: One egg or two?

Mr. Moneypennies: Sheeat dude! Knock me up two!

Sal cracks two eggs onto Jons back and they start to sizzle. Phil sits at the shoreline, and all of a sudden, he looks up at a black shape hovering above the jetski

Phil: Oh no..

The figure hovers closer, wearing a pair of red bermuda shorts over a black skin-tight suit, and a blue visor over a gasmask

Phil: NOT YOU AGAIN!!

Figure: Yes..its me! PSYCHO MANTIS!

Phil: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Phil gets up, but his body shakes

Phil: Ah crap!!

Psycho Mantis hovers in front of him

Psycho Mantis: Those shorts are crap, Phil..

Phil: Shut up!

Psycho Mantis: Now let me read your--what's in your pocket?

Phil: Nothing.

Mantis: PHIL?!

Phil whines and pulls out a Playstation 3 controller, throwing it before Mantis

Mantis: Why are you carrying this?

Phil shrugs

Phil: In case I steal a PS3.......

Mantis: Oh--Hey..wait..

Psycho Mantis grabs the controller and fiddles with it slightly

Mantis: Hmm..still the same as PS2..but wait..

Mantis starts shaking, the controller vibrating

Phil: Oh please no!

He can barely make out tears welling in Mantis' eyes as Steve, Will and Billy come along from on their way to the vendor

Will: Found a new friend?

Billy: Yeaaaah..but Psycho Mantis?

Will: Wait a sec--Oh no!! OH FUCK NO!!

Mantis: I will now move the controller with the power of my mind alone!!

Johan walks along

Johan: Hey look! Psycho guy!

Mantis: HYYYAAARRRGGHHH!!!!

He waves his arms and the 5 men are flung back

Mantis: Ah fuck..not again..

The controller rumbles

Mantis: VIBRATION IS BACK!!!

He gives the peace sign and disappears. Meanwhile, Phil comes to and looks up

Phil: ...Can I have a beer now?..

Vince looks over at him

Vince: My god..what happened?

Phil: Mantis...

Vince: What did she do to you?!

Phil: Not her..Psycho..Psycho Mantis..

Vince gives a small chuckle and removes his sunglasses

Vince: Shit, Phil.. You know the whole Psycho Mantis thing is a bunch of cr--

They hear a shuffling sound and a vibrating PS3 controller slowly inches across the sand

Mantis: I WUV MY VIBRATION!!!

Phil: And people wonder why they call him Psycho!

He falls back and Vince pats his shoulder

Vince: We could get an ice-cream..

Phil raises his eyebrows

Phil: Or should we do what Frank and Screaming Mantis were doing?

Vince: What the fuck?! You sicko?!?!?!

Phil: THEY WERE DRINKING!!! Let me have a brew or brew me with hops! I want to be a part of beer!

Vince sighs and flips open the cooler

Phil: WOOHOO!!

He looks in and screams

Phil: WHERE'S THE BEER?!!??!!

Frank pops his head up from behind his windcover with a black lacy bra on his head

Frank: Heya..itsh phil..PHIL!!! ITS ME!! BRA MAN!!

Phil growls

Phil: Frank? ...Did you drink ALL my beer?

Frank: ...Yesh..

Phil collapses backwards, whining as a hand grabs Franks shoulder

Frank: Round two, babay?

He winks and ducks back down behind the wind cover. Will looks back at it and shakes his head

Will: That kind of behaviour is disturbing, man! And with Screaming Mantis? My God.

Raven rolls onto her side and strokes his shoulder

Will: lets rock.

They both stand up, laughing aand running into the nearest toilet. Steve and Billy go back for a 2nd ice-cream

Steve: Hey..can I have a lemon top?

Billy: I'll have a strawberry top.

The vendor turns around and rolls his eyes

Billy: What?

Vendor: You guys think i’m that stupid?

He looks at the open cash register and a large bundle in the pocket of Billys shorts

Billy: No.,..of course..not!

Vendor: The money..give me it back!

Billy: And if I don’t?

Vendor: I will call the police sir!

Billy licks his ice cream

Billy: Mmm...strawberry--

He throws it in the vendors face and the vendor screams, rubbing it away. Billy hops the counter and punches the vendor, kicking him repeatedly

Billy: I’VE HEARD OF YOU VENDORS! YOU GUYS SUCKED! YOU BEACH VENDORS ARE IN HANNAH MONTANA! EAT MY SHIT AND DIE!

The vendor keeps screaming and Steve has to lean over the bar, grabbing Billys arms and pulling him back

Steve: NO BILLY! YOU STOP! BAD BILLY! YOU’LL KILL HIM!

Billy reaches into his pocket, pulls out a note and drops it on the bleeding vendor

Billy: get yourself a new kidney

They both walk off. Mr Moneypennies is busy devouring an egg as Phil lays back on the beach towel

Vince: So...admit coming here was a good idea?

Phil: Yeah, except for the fact that Frank drunk my beer, Psycho Mantis appeared and--

He lifts his head and looks at Frank and Mantis’s windbreaker, rocking back and forth violently in the windless beach

Phil: If those two don’t cut out, you realize we’ll have to neuter him?

Maurice nudges him

Maurice: Ah got a pair of shears at home, should we catch him off guard?

Phil: Yes. Yes we should.

Phil lays back and Maurice stands up

Maurice: Gonna catch some waves, later homedog

Phil: Later Wor Maur.

Maurice grabs his surfboard and lifts it above his head, screaming gibberish and running towards the sea, jumping in and sending a huge wave over the ocean. Phil falls back and starts chuckling

Phil: Stop..tickles..

He keeps getting a ticklish feeling around his chest and he giggles

Phil: Stop! What is tha---OH MY GOD.

He looks down at Tavi and Wolfs hands stroking his chest

Wolf: You know..everytime I see Frank and Mantis..I want some human meat..

phil: Somebody help!

Wolf: No-one will..

Phil: HELP!!! HELP!!! IS THERE REALLY A BEACH FULL OF YOU AND YOU’RE NOT HELPING ME?!?!?!?! HELP!!!!

Silence. Windbreaker stops rocking.

Frank: Just have fun Phil

Phil quickly slides under Tavi and Wolf and stands up, adopting a fighting pose

Phil: YOU WANT SOME?! DO YOU?!

Wolf: Oh, yes..and what I want, I always get..

Phil: Ahh....OH FUCK!

Tavi and Wolf scramble up and chase him. Phil screams and runs up the stone steps and onto the sidewalk, hurtling towards and up the pier. He runs to the end and looks into the foamy depths

Phils brain: Hey, you always wanted this! Bottoms up, baby!

Phil: Oh..shit

He turns around and watches Wolf and Tavi advance on him.

Phil: Well...it can’t be that bad

He feels something hit his head and looks down at a box of condoms. He looks up and sees Wolf, grinning widely

Phil: What doesn’t kill me, will cripple me. But bottoms up.

Phil falls backwards stupidly, hitting the edge of the pier rather than falling into the sea

Phil: Ow...

Tavi and Wolf grab his arms and drag him up, throwing him over the side and onto the sands before jumping down. Phil tries to crawl away, but they grab his legs and drag him into a small hut under the pier. He screams violently, but they shut and lock the door.

===

Sunset is starting to happen. The sea is tainted with orange and yellow. Phil is slowly crawling towards the black van helplessly as Tavi and Wolf climb into their pink Smart car, smiling. Dave climbs into Franks humvee and lays back with his arms behind his head. Frank piles in the last deckchair, slams the humvee boot and kisses Mantis on the cheek, going towards the drivers seat.

Mantis: Wow..very nice beach..

Frank looks back at it, and watches as Maurice and Moe pile their stuff into the back of Dicks Del Boy Van

Frank: Its a pip of a place..shame it’ll be Shadow Moses soon..

Mantis strokes his back

Mantis: We’ll be back here..right?

Frank looks at her and kisses her cheek

Frank: Right

Mantis climbs into the passengers side and Frank climbs into the drivers seat, slamming the door shut. He reverses out and drives to the car parks exit, scanning the lot. Phil crawls into the drivers seat and pulls himself up, igniting the engine. He gives the thumbs up. Dick slowly reverses out of his space and behind Franks humvee

Maurice: Y’know..I wonder if those 4 had fun today..

The scene cuts to a large prison holding cell where That Hispanic Guy, That Random Guy, That Other Random Guy, wearing his huge sombrero, and Dave, are sitting. Along with them are 3 huge tattooed gang members, a small wiry little snitch and an obese tattooed man

That Hispanic Guy: Thanks, *Beep*

That Other Random Guy: ME?! I wasn’t the one who suggested stopping off at Taco Bell!!

Dave: You could see the goddamn cop cars, mate! But noooo! You wanted the Three Bean Burrito! And it was only when you gave the cops the bird did they arrest us!

That Random Guy: AFTER they had shoved us to the road and beaten us..I have a police baton playing hell with my kidneys now!

A huge tattooed gang member leans over to That Hispanic Guy and taps his shoulder

Gang member: What you in for?

That Hispanic Guy: A stupid twat. You?

Gang member: White collar crime...I cut a vicars throat..

That Hispanic Guy: Nice..

That Other Random Guy: Y’all just jealous cause I got MY order and ate it!

That Hispanic Guy leans over to the gang member

That Hispanic Guy: Would you mean helping me destroy this weasel?!

Gang member: Not unless we escape, hombre!

That Other Random Guy has started to pick at the wall, bored, flecks of plaster and cement coming off in his hand. He sighs.

That Other Random Guy: Walls pretty weak...

He looks around, Dave, That Hispanic Guy, That Random Guy and the gang member are staring at him, grinning

That Other Random Guy: What?

==

The outer wall smashes as the snitch, obese man and two gang members run out. That Hispanic Guy and the gang member appear, holding That Other Random Guy by his sides like a battering ram. A policeman stands in front of them with a cattleprod

Policeman: MERDE!!

They both ram That Random Guy like a battering ram into the guards head, decapitating him instantly. They charge forward, roaring loudly and That Other Random Guy shuts his eyes tightly

That Other Random Guy: FOR FREEDOM!!!

They ram That Other Random Guy clean through the prisons outer wall, leaving a giant hole where he broke through. They both set him down and start running off with That Random Guy, That Other Random Guy and Dave in tow.

That Other Random Guy: WAIT FOR MEEEE!!!!

The gang member turns around and punches him so hard he spins three times and shoots towards a large group of policemen, knocking them all down

Gang member: STRIKE!!

All 4 of them snigger and run off as the scene fades

Friday Night Fever

The scene slowly opens in Frank, Bob, Dave and Wills house. Blood has stained the green couch, and the table is covered in spit and bloody phlegm. Will is busy bandaging Franks forehead as he sits in a wicker chair

Will: Damn that Destruction Derby!

Frank: Those anyone know how..or why it started?

Will: Nope..now hold still..I need to pour alcohol on the wound..

Frank: THATS A FUCKING WASTE YOU CUNT!

Will walks ointo the kitchen and opens a cupboard

Will: Frank.

Frank:What?

Will: I know this is a stupid question..but I have to ask..Do you know where all the booze has gone?

Dave walks into the room, reading Gunrunners Monthly

Dave: You’re right. That is a stupid question.

Frank hiccups

Will: Question answered..FUCK FRANK!!

Dave: You wanna WHAT?!

Will walks over and slaps Dave. Dave stumbles back into an armchair. Will spins, holding his blazer

Will: OWWW!! You just got slapped, bitch!

Dave: You’re gene pool needs a freakin’ bucket of chlorine you cock..

Bob walks out with Octopus, who was bandaging his arm soothingly

Octopus: Look! I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier!

Bob: And how many times do I have to say it’s ok?!

Frank: Laughing Octopus feeling guilty? This is nuts.

Dave: Technically this is before--

Will: Yes. I agree.

Dave: You didn’t even let me finish!

Will: You were gonna break down the 4th wall!

Frank: No, he was gonna paradox

Will: 4th WALL!

Frank: PARADOX!

Dave: Both of you...shut the fuck up!

Frank ....Paradox

Dave: THAT’S IT!

He grabs Franks head and smashes it off the table, causing him to fall unconscious

Will: Jeez Dave! Calm down!

Dave points at him threateningly

Dave: YAWANTSOMEFUCKINGPRETTYBOY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Will: AHHH!!! NO NO NO!!

Dave breathes out and grabs a trilby

Dave: I’m off to Drebins, want anything?

Will simply stares at him

Will: Yeah, check into Sals ya schizo!

Dave: FUCK YOU!!

Will flips him the bird and Dave slams the door.

Octopus: Maybe you should try..being friendlier?

Will: Says the psychotic laughing woman!!! THIS IS TOO MUCH!!

Will jumps up, screaming and flailing his arms before diving out of the nearest window and into the street

Bob: .....I’ve never seen him do that before

Frank: In his defence, being a mercenary..he was always going to, technically speaking
Octopus: Anyway, Frank.

Frank: ....I can tell this is gonna be good

Octopus: Gonna commit to Mantis?---Where’d he go?!

A dust cloud lingers in the air and another window is smashed. Bob walks over to the window and watches Frank run down the street towards the Lamb and Flag, wearing only boxers and screaming loudly

Bob: How does he do that?--Oh god, RUN WILL!!

He watches Will turn around and scream loudly, pointing at Frank in his boxers

Will: MY EYES HAVE BEEN SOILED! THIS IMAGE IS BURNED INTO MY BRAIN!

Frank hugs Will, screaming. Will starts screaming and crying loudly

Will: GET OFF ME!! HELP!! RAPE!! FIRE!! UGLY NAKED MAN!! HELP!!

Frank: MANTIS WANTS COMMITMENT!!

At the sound of commitment, both men start to bawl loudly like babies. Jon opens the window of the Dog and Handgun and looks out

Jon: DEAR MOTHER OF CHRIST!!

Brick pops out of the other window

Brick: THIS IS WHAT DRINKING AT THE LAMB AND FLAG GETS YOU!! GAY SCREAMING MAN BEAR LOVE!!

The sound of retching and vomiting in nearby houses

Brick: My job is done!

Brick and Jon lean out of the windows and try to hi-5 eachother, but they fall out and scream, hitting the sands

Brick: I can taste my spleen!!!

Octopus: You mercenaries are the living end...


===

Night rolls into the Middle East, and several amateur mercenaries are patrolling the streets for a drink. The PMCs, sick of fighting and having flushed the nanomachines temporarily out of their body, are also surfacing for drinks. Frank walks out to the top of his steps, fully recovered from earlier

Frank: Ahh..night-time, will ya smell it?

Bob walks out, wrinkling his nose

Bob: Smells like liquor, sweat, blood and shit!

Frank: I LOVE FRIDAYS!!

Back in Phil, Steve and Wolfs house

Steve: Ready Phil?

Phil: Ehh..i’m gonna stay in

Steve: WHAT?! WHY?!

Tavi and Wolf walk out, dressed up

Tavi: WHEEE!! My first night out!!

Wolf: Thats right babe! We’re going to the Lamb and Flag for a drink!!

Tavi smiles and nibbles her cheek

Tavi: YAY WOLF!!

Phil: Ask question. Get answer.

Wolf: Still sour, Phil? I thought you were happy?

Phil: I didn’t expect you to bring her in to live with us!! I can barely sleep!

Tavi: OH! Stop exaggerating you asshole!

Phil: Hows this for exaggeration? Get out.

Tavi: Thats not exa--

Phil: Ok then. Get the FUCK out.

Wolf: PHIL! You promised!

Phil: Wrong! I was waivered and outvoted!

Wolf: Sheesh..not our fault

Phil looks up at Steve

Phil: It was your vote that really hurt Steve!

Steve: Will tickled me!

Phil: God I hate that cunt

Wolf: PHIL! You can’t say that about your fellow mercenaries!

Phil: Ever heard of justifiable friendly fire?

Wolf: ...No

Phil: Well, you’re about to

Steve: C’mon Phil! Lets go grab a drinky and we can forget all about it!

Phil looks up at Steve

Phil: AH! Why not?!

Phil stands up and runs into his bedroom, walking out instantly dressed up

Steve: ...Wow

Phil: Where there’s drinking, I work!

Tavi: Yeah, well, me and Wolf are gonna check out the Half Moon first.

Phil: Pff. Good luck!

Tavi: Whats THAT supposed to mean?!

Phil: Only PMCs and the insane drink there!

Tavi: Yeah? Well i’ve seen that one named Jason go there--

phil: Then I rest my case!

Tavi simply turns around and storms out of the house. Wolf stares at Phil

Wolf: Phil...

Phil: Yeah?

She stomps over, grabs him by his collar and lifts him several feet into the air. His eyes widen

Wolf: My fingernails mean MORE to ME than YOUR ENTIRE LIFE..want to push
some more?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!?!? WELL?!?!?!?!?!

Phils brain: I dare you for one rush of adrenaline.

Phil: So are you going to order the pizza tonight?

Steve winces as Wolf storms out. He slowly tiptoes over Phil, who’s upside down in a bin in a pile of his own teeth and blood

Steve: Phil...Say something?

Phil: .......Ow.

Meanwhile, at Sal, Billy and Vinces flat, Sal is dressed in a black silk suit, pouring a small amount of armagnac from his carafe into a small tumbler

Sal: Armagnac Billy?

Billy looks down at him, dressed in a smart shirt and jeans

Billy: No thanks, I don’t want to be a twatty ponce.

Sal: FUCK YOU!

Billy: In your dreams

Vince: Calm down you idiots, it’s Friday Night!! YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!!!

Sal simply looks at him and shakes his head

Vince: THE VODBULL!!

Billy: Ah, sweet!!!

Sal: I think i’ll pass.

Billy and Vince look at eachother. Vince points to himself

Vince: Nehru

Vince points at Billy

Vince: Curzon

Vince points at Sal

Vince: Fucking Jinnah there.

Sal: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Vince: Stop being all serious Mr. Jinnah and have some fun!

Sal: STOP CALLING ME JINNAH!!!

Billy: Do I have to be Curzon?! He fucked up in the Raj!

Vince blinks

Vince: lets just get the Vodbulls out and be happy

Vince runs into the kitchen and comes out with 2 glasses of bright orange liquid. He hands one to Billy

Billy: All-nighter?

Vince: As ever!

Sal: Thank God you have your own Ferrari now..I wouldn’t be wanting to clean out the vomit and sweat..

Vince and Billy both down the drink in one and wipe their mouths

Vince: Ready?

Billy: READY!

They both turn to Sal and punch him in the jaw, sending him flying over his leather armchair and onto the Afghan Rug. Vince dusts off his hands

Vince: Foggsy Driving to the bar!

Billy: Ok then..DESIGNATED DRIVER!!

Both men look at eachother and laugh

Vince: Ahh fuck that. We’ll be sozzled.

====

The Lamb and Flag was fully packed to the brim. Randy Couture, Ken Shamrock , Fedor Emalanienko and Brock Lesnar are sitting at one table, talking amongst themselves. Samoa Joe, AJ Styles, Kurt Angle, Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin are sitting at another, waiting to order food. Kurt Angle looks over at Brocks table. Brock gives a sinister wave

Angle: ONE OF THESE DAYS, BROCK!!!

Brock makes the ‘bring it on’ gesture and Angle bares his teeth, growling. Fedor hurls a glass at them and Angle ducks, flipping the bird

Dick: OI! DON’T MAKE ME GET THE HOSE!

Fedor sits down, grumbling and cursing to himself. Phil, Steve, Dean, Brick and Obese Maurice are sat at one table, where Brick is busy feeding Mr. Moneypennies scraps of eggy bread

Dean: Awesome snake, Brick!

Brick: Aye, he’s the god of snakes!

Steve: He’s growing like he’s human!

Brick keeps feeding Mr. Moneypennies, who has gotten a foot longer and 2 inches wider since Christmas

Brick: Aye, well he is an anaconda

Silence at the table. Nervous looks.

Mr. Moneypennies: Don’t worry my shiznits! I won’t be harming y’all! Y’all my homedogs from the hood!

Quiet cheering and hi-5s.

Phil: Anyone else have a bad feeling about something?

Brick: Come to think of it...I do have a bad chill down me spine..

Sal, Billy and Vince walk in

Phil: Ain’t that, but that’ll be close enough

Sal and Vince walk over to their table and Billy joins Daves table

Sal: Hi guys

Maurice: Vince! Jinnah!

Sal: WHY IS EVERYONE CALLING ME JINNAH?!?!?!?!

Phil: Cause we found an abandoned library on the outskirts of town, hiding from the FROGs. All it was were books about the Raj..


Maurice: Aye, and you remind us of Jinnah: Well dressed but no fun!

Sal: Keep talking..assholes!

Vince grabs a bottle of Bulmers from the bar, slams some money down and rushes over to the table

Vince: Billy? You not joining us?

Billy: We have..things to discuss

Sal: Anyone else have a bad feeling about something?

Phil: Yeah! What the fuck is it?

Maurice: Actually..now i’m getting it..

Tavi flings the door open and flicks back her hair, walking over to an empty table next to Bricks

Phil: Can we confirm this is the bad feeling?

Tavi turns to face him

Tavi: Why are you staring at me?

Table shivers.

Phil: Confirmation!

Tavi flips the bird as Wolf walks in. Wolf takes one look around and walks quickly to sit beside Tavi. Both women start kissing eachother passionately and noisily, the sound of slurping near the table. Phil, Steve, Jon, Sal, Vince, Brick, Dean and Obese Maurice watch, wincing

Sal: .......Just..No..

Wolf: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....


The kiss starts to get more passionate and Vince clutches his mouth, rushing into the bathroom

Maurice (Quietly): Oi..Dean..dare ya to break it up!

Dean (Quietly): That’d be like suicide! Only a stupid, suicidal maniac would try it!

Phil leans in

Phil (Quietly): You called?

Steve leans in

Steve (Quietly): What are we talking so quietly about?

Phil (Quietly) I don’t know

Steve: THEN WHY DON’T WE SHOUT SO AS NOT TO ATTRACT ATTENTION???!!?!?!?!?!!

Everyone stops and stares at them

Sal, Phil, Maurice: WASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSUP?!!!!!!!!!

The bar quickly goes back to normal and Phil turns to Steve

Phil: Steven Llarrec, if you do that again I am going to whoop yo ass so hard you’ll be spitting shit for a week!

Wolf stops kissing Tavi and turns to their table

Wolf: Am I disturbing you?

Sal: No

Phil: Not at all!

Steve: Pssh! No! Have fun!

Maurice: Aye! Be jolly!

Dean: Yeah! It’s turning me on!

Silence. Everyone stares at Dean

Deans brain: Oops. I think I said that out loud..

Wolf: So..no hard feelings Phil?

Phil: What?

Wolf: Y’know..me..being a lesbian an’ all

Phil: No! Psh! This story needs a bigger demographic anyway!

Maurice slaps Phil on the cheek

Phil: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?!


Maurice: One, you’re getting too smart for yer own good. 2, yer breaking the fourth wall. 3, for fun

Phil: Thats wor Maurice!

Maurice: AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!

He gives the Fonzy thumbs up as the door opens and Jon walks in

All: HI JON!

Jon: O HAI.

Silence.

Jon: LOL.

Silence.

Jon: OMGZORRO.

Moe runs over and headbutts Jon in the stomach. He vomits up what looks to be the Matrix code and wipes his mouth

jon: Sorry guys..Nanomachines..

Frank: You actually injected yourself?

Jon: I thought it was he--

Jons brain: Say it and i’ll break your frontal lobe.

Jon: Healthy vitamins. You know..the sort that makes you feel better?

Frank: Stupid twat...Buy a drink!

Jon breathes a sigh and relief and slaps the bar

Jon: Usual Dick!

Dick looks at him

Jon: ..Usual?

Dick stares.

Dick: You don’t HAVE A usual!

Jon: Then gimme a bottle of Bulmers ya git!

He slaps some money on the counter and Dick hands him his bottle

Jon: ...Dick, where do you get this booze from, considering a lot of major religions in the Middle East area have customs against alcohol?

Dick: You ask too many questions, Jon!

Jon: Ok!

He turns around and sees Tavi and Wolf kissing, collapsing back in a split second

Frank: Thats the fifth one so far.

Dick: Should I get the poking stick? They might be bad for business

Frank: Just wait..

They watch as Phils table huddle and whisper, but turn their attention as the door opens and Will enters, wearing his emerald green suit

Frank: Told you.

Will clutches his blazer by the collar and grins, walking to and sitting down at the same table as Tavi and Wolf

Will: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!

Wolf: Uhhh...hey?

Will: How about we make a cake..two parts you, one part me, mix it together and lets make it three!

Wolf: Out of 10,000 sperm..YOU were the fastest?

The door flies open and Tom Morello runs in

Morello: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Silence.

Morello: YOU GOT BURNED!

Morello quickly runs out and Will stands up

Will: Konnichiwa..


He bows to them and turns around, coming face to face with Raging Raven, who has a face contorted into pure evil. The whole bar watches.

Maurice: Ah nah this is entertainment lads!

Dick: Man..should get this on pay per view, Frank, we’d be rolling in it!

Raging Raven: William Studlin...DID YOU TRY AND FLIRT WITH THOSE WOMEN??!?!?!?!?!?!

Frank points

Frank: WHAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!! WILLIAM!! WI-HIL-I-AM!!!

Raging Raven: SHUT UP!!!!

Frank falls backwards over the bar

Will: Now..ho...honey..you know..I...wouldn’t do ANYTHING! like that!

He turns to face them. Tavi grins. He turns to Coutures table desperately. Couture and Fedor smile and wave goodbye.

Tavi: He was...And it upset me! I hope to have a solid relationship!

She looks at Wolf and they smile at eachother. A lamp near Raging Raven explodes

Phil: Ooo..bye Will!

Raging Raven: William..Studlin...Are you...bored with me?

Will: NO! BABY! I AIN’T! But..I like to play! Experiment! Every man dreams of a threesome!

Raging Raven starts breathing ferally, her fists clenching tighter until a chair nearby sets on fire

Maurice: HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!

The bar watches.

Raging Raven: So..you like threesomes..

Will: Uhh...

She knees him in the stomach and he falls to his knees. She grasps his throat tightly

Bar: WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!

Raging Raven: DO YOU?! DO YOU LIKE TO FUCK WITH TWO WOMEN?!

Will: AHHHH!!! YESS!!! YES!!

Raging Raven lets go and whispers in Wolfs ear. Wolf whispers into Tavis ear. Tavi looks at her for a moment. Wolf whispers something else. They snigger and Tavi points at Will. Wolf nods at Raven.

Raging Raven: You have your threesome. See you tonight hot lips.

Raging Raven turns around and heads towards the door. Phils head slowly raises

Frank: Oh man, looks like Will ain’t done with yet!

Couture: I hope he gives more of a violent fight!

Billy leans over

Billy: He will if he’s getting there..

He watches as Phil slowly stands up, his hands tearing off a chunk of the table

Billy: Voila.

Phil: Wolf....aren’t you going to ask ME what I think of it? The only reason I haven’t pumped you full of lead is because you told me earlier it was only with Tavi, and NOT with another MAN.

Wolf: Phil....I thought our relationship had ended..

Phil: On good terms, or was that a lie too?

Wolf: Phil...

Will gets to his feet

Will: Hehe..better get the drinks and viagra in!!

Phil: Well, Wolf?

Wolf: We are friends..but....it doesn’t mean I’ll respect your wishes

Billy: Get the popcorn Couture.

Couture: Will beer do?

Billy turns and faces Phil

Billy: Yes. Yes it will.

Phil: So..my wishes..mean nothing to you? Our relationship..meant nothing to you?

Wolf: it’s not that..

Will: Whoooo!! Gonna get me some Beautiful Beast action tonight...Whats it like, Phil? Rowrrough?!

Wolf sniggers slightly and Phil sits down

Phil: Yes. Yes it is.

Will: Sweet!! Hey, Wolf, do you think i’ll be better?

Wolf: No answer.

WIll: Bet I am!

Phil shoots up and flings a chair at Wills head. The chair smashes violently and Will collapses to the floor. Phil slides over his table and grabs Will by his blazer and shoves him against the bar, punching him in the chest repeatedly

Wolf: PHIL! STOP!

Phil knees him in his sides and Will falls to his knees. Phil takes a few steps back and throws himself at Will, punching him violently in the face and causing both men to fall to the floor. Phil stands up and drags up Will, grabbing him by his throat and pulling his fist back. Wolf grabs his arm

Wolf: PHIL! STOP! STOP NOW!

Phil drops his arm by his side, but kicks Will in the stomach and grabs his right arm, starting to elbow into Wills elbow violently. Will starts screaming in pain, pulling himself free and running for the door. Phil grabs him by his hair and shoves him to the floor, causing his head to smash violently off the floor

Wolf: PHIL!

Phil: Ok! I’m done with weasely fuck!

Will scrambles up, his nose bleeding and a large gash on his forehead

Will: Next time...The guns are coming out!

Phil steps towards him and Will screams, running outside

Phil: Fucking punk.

Phil walks towards his table and shoves Wolf off

Phil: Get the fuck off.

He sits down at his table, and Maurice noogies him

Maurice: THATS WOR PHIL!!

Phil: AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

Phil gives the Fonzy thumbs up as the bar returns to normal

Frank: Insane.

That Random Guys head pops down from the staircase

That Random Guy: You called?

Frank: Twat.

That Random Guy: Cunt.

Frank stands up and grabs his pint glass, growling at That Random Guy

That Random Guy: Don't be hatin' on the Heads of Steel!

Frank: Heads..of Steel?

That Random Guy: FO SHIZZLE!!

He disappears just as quickly as he entered, the sound of clanging filling the room

frank: What the FUCK?!

That Hispanic Guy, That Other Random Guy, Johan and Big Bad Bobby walk in. Johan takes off his welders mask and drops it

Johan: Busy at works! Johan always work hard!

That Hispanic Guy: I gotta admit..that suit you made for Steve was cool

Dick: Hey guys..getting a bit crowded now, eh?

That Other Random Guy: Get us some draught on tap, Dicky! We just finished fixing your car!

Dick quickly pours out 4 glasses of Carling and spreads them on the bar. All 4 walk over and grab the glasses. That Hispanic Guy takes one sip and looks around

That Hispanic Guy: Ey! Everyone dressed up! Must be a Friday! VAMOS WORK!

That Hispanic Guy tears off his dungarees to reveal a white shirt, black tie, dress trousers and leather shoes.

Silence.

That Hispanic Guy: What?

Shelley: I wish I could do that!

Angle: Do and i’ll break your ankle.

Shelley: Why?!?!?

Joe: Angles violent like that. I heard he once headbutted a kitten for looking at him

Angle: Dammit Joe! Thats an urban legend I invented to scare kids!

Joe: And it works!

Couture: WE’RE TRYING TO TALK HERE!!

Shamrock: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Angle: MAKE ME!!

Joe stands up

Joe: MAKE MY FUCKING DAY!!!

A random group of fans burst through the door

fans: JOES GONNA KILL YA!!!

They leave as quickly as they entered, and Dick quickly unlocks the hose box

Dick: I FUCKING WARNED YOU!!

Joe: Ok! Ok ok!

All of them sit down and the bar returns to normal. That Hispanic Guy and Johan sit at stools while That Other Random Guy sits at Billy and Daves table.

Frank: Hey, *beep*

That Hispanic Guy: Frank, back in your natural habitat I see!

Moe: And we see the dangerous hunter stalking his usual pint!

Frank raises his glass

Frank: SKOL!

He downs it in a gulp and sets it down, tapping the bar

Frank: Another one, Dick

Dick: You owe me 150 quid so far!

Frank: I hock the stuff tomorrow, so i’ll pay ya then!

Dick: Lucky you have a good track record!

He takes the glass and fills it up. Will slowly walks back in with a bandaged head and with Raging Raven at his side. Will smirks and sticks his tongue out at Phil. Phil stands up and puts a foot on the table, ready to jump over, but Sal and Steve grab his arms. Raven stares at him

Raven: Do you want to fight my tarzan?

Maurice: Looks like tarzan, fights like Jane

The table cheers and flips the bird at Will, patting Maurice on the back who raises his arms. Phil sits down and Will waves it off, sitting at the last empty table with Raging Raven

Will: Did you really get me a threesome with...Wolf?

Raven: Yes. Yes I did.

Will: How?

Raven: Well, we’re like sisters in the Unit, and she owes me big after I saved her ass in Chechnya!

Will: CHECHNYA?!

Raven: We’re special forces Will! We get deployed everywhere!

Will: Heard its nice in Winter.

Raven: It is..

Will: A threesome??!!! REALLY?!!??!

Raven: Yes...but if Wolf calls it off...then you will wish you were never born..

She stares at him darkly, but grins brightly

Raven: LOVE YOU!

Will: Love you too

Will turns to Joes table and mouths ‘Help’

Sabin: Fuck off Will, you made your bed, have sex in it

Wolf and Tavi stop kissing, and Vince sighs

Vince: Mind you, Man..Lesbians all good for watching!

Tavi faces him with a look of hate, Wolf turns her face and whispers sweet nothings as Sal turns to Vince

Sal: Vince, no offence bud..but if ignorance was bliss, you’d be orgasming.

The door flies open and Morello points at Vince

Morello: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURNED!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jeff Jarrett appears and smashes his guitar over Morellos head, making him collapse

Sal: OH MY GOD! IT’S FORMER WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION AND TNA WORLD CHAMPION, JEFF JARRETT!!

The whole bar turns silent and stares at Sal

Phil: Uh, Sal. Jarretts been a regular here since...well, ever.

Sal: I knew that..

Jarrett walks over to Joes table and sits down, slamming the table with his fist

Jarrett: Dammit Joe! That Snake tried to shoot me!

Joe: He did, huh?

He points at Styles, who unbuttons his shirt to reveal a bandage across his chest

Joe: He got AJ. Twice.

Jarrett looks at AJ

Jarrett: That’s probably because he was stupid enough to walk into them!

Styles: Now now Jarrett, at least I’ve killed a FROG WITH MY BARE HANDS!

He raises his fists and bares his teeth, roaring. Jarrett blinks rapidly

Jarrett: ...Riiiiiight

Dick walks over

Dick: Alright lads, what’ll it be?

Jarrett: Does the steak come free with the bourbon glaze?

Dick: Yeah, sure.

Jarrett: Oo! I’ll have that!

AJ Styles: I’ll have the ham salad, Dicky!

Joe: Give me the pie and fries...

Shelley: I’ll take...the cheeseburger

Sabin: Two cheeseburgers.

Dick notes it down

Dick: Gotcha guys!

Frank hiccups and Will tiptoes past him, tapping the bar

Will: ..drink please..

Will looks at Frank

Will: Frank, you fucking offend me..

Frank: Cause I drink?

Will: Cause you were born!

Frank stands up and winds his fist, Will looks at him and Frank swings, Will steps back and Frank falls onto his face

Frank: OO! A PENNY!

Frank scrambles up, clutching 5p

Frank: I FOUND CURLYS GOLD!!

He laughs and collapses backwards

Will: Insane.

Jason: You called?

Fedor stands up and hurls a glass at Jason. Jason screams and runs back upstairs

Shamrock: Oi! Fedor! Whats with the glass throwing?!

Fedor: Automatic reflex.

Dick delivers the food to the wrestlers table and Frank slowly stands up, hiccuping

Frank: PHIL! I’M RICH! RICH! RI--

Phil: Hang on, the bankers calling!

Phil pretends to answer his mobile phone

phil: yeah? I’ll tell him

Phil stands up and points at Frank

Phil: FRANK! I GOT A CALL FOR YOU!

Frank: WHO IS IT?!

Phil: IT’S AN INBRED VILLAGE! THEY WANT THEIR IDIOT BACK!

Frank growls and flies over a table, punching Phil in the jaw. Maurice grabs Frank by his shirt and headbutss him. Will rushes forward and smashes a stool over Maurices back. Maurice simply turns to him and bares his teeth, growling. Will taps his shin with his foot

Will: I AM WILL STRONGO!!

He turns to Tavi and Wolf and flexes dramatically, but Maurice grabs him by the scruff of his neck and lifts him for Sal to jump onto the table and dropkick him. Maurice drops him and Dave leaps onto his back, wrapping his arms tightly around his neck. Dean jumps up and pulls a pair of nunchucks, letting out a martial-arts yell

Dick: OI! NO FIGHTING IN THE PUB! TAKE IT OUTSIDE!

Ken Shamrock jumps up and slams Dean down, only for Phil to stand up and leap onto Franks back, putting them through Tavi and Wolfs table. Wolf screamss and stands up as Sal tackles down Shamrock. Couture stands up and cracks his knuckles as Phil starts to punch Frank in the temple with repeated blows. Tavi grabs Phil in a rear naked choke and pulls him off as Wolf drags up Frank and subdues him

Frank: COME ON! GET SOME!

Phil shoves Tavi off and looks at her

Phil: What the fuck you doing?

Tavi: Y-y-y-you were violent!!

Phil: It’s a bar fight! Anything go--

Billy hurls himself at Phil and knocks him over. Johan jumps up and grabs a tire iron

Johan: No touch Phil! Phil teach Johan england way of speech!

Johan wades through the rubble, only for Jim to slowly walk into the bar

Jim: DAMN! I’M ALWAYS LATE!

Jim drains a random pint glass of its dregs and runs at Johan to try and tackle him. Johan shoves him away and That Hispanic Guy jumps up, snapping a whip at Dave

That Hispanic guy: HAICHA!!

Dave stumbles back and Johan grabs Billy, throwing him off. Wolf hurls herself at Johan and latches herself onto him, clawing at his back. Phil gets up and grabs Frank by the hem of his pants, throwing him at Johan and sandwiching Wolf, sending her and Frank off

johan; Thank Phil. Behind!

Billy jumps on Phils back and takes him down

Dick: I WILL GET THE HOSE--

Moe throws a bottle and it smashes off the wall near Dick, who ducks. Couture stands up and the table flips violently

Couture: SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO RELAX!!

Johan has Frank in a headlock, while Steve and Sal are busy pummeling Will

Shamrock: That’ll be the trick then..

Couture, Shamrock, Emalanienko and Lesnar stand up, walking towards them

Will: CHEATING!!! YOU GUYS RE--

Couture grabs Will in a headlock and starts to choke him as Emalanienko backs Sal to a wall, pummeling him in his stomach

Sal: Pai-ai-ai-ai-ai-aiNNNN!!!

Shamrock yanks up Phil and starts to punch him in the jaw. Phil attempts to swing a punch, but he misses and Shamrock tackles him through a jukebox

Dick: I JUST GOT THAT!!

Dave slaps Lesnar in the kidney

Dave: WOOCHA!!

Lesnar growls and grabs Dave by the throat, lifting him up and throwing him down. Maurice quickly yells out and charges Lesnar, sending him down. Brick exits from the bathroom and washes the ensuing brawl

brick: HotDAMN!

That Hispanic Guy wraps his whip around Billys neck, but Couture slams down Sal and punches him in the temple, sending That Hispanic Guy flying dramatically through a window to the outside.

Billy: Thanks mate!

Couture helps him up, but starts to punch him in the gut. Shamrock grabs Phil and starts to nail him with several elbows

Phil: STOOOOOOOOOP!!!!

Wolf grabs Shamrock and throws him off, Phil spews several teeth into the air, blood pouring from his mouth

Wolf: Oh dear Phil..no-one to help you..

Phil: Y-y-y-you’re not h-helping m-m-m-me?

Wolf: No..I only help my sugarsnookum..

Phil: Oh..in that case

Phil stands up and pats Wolf on the shoulder

Phil: Goodbye..

Wolf: You leaving?

Phil walks out the door

Phil: No, just getting a run-up

Phil charges and punches Wolf in the jaw, sending her flying through the nearest table. phil blows on his fist and smirks

Phil: Now THAT’S a knockout!

Phil goes to walk out, but Lesnar uppercuts him, and Phil shoots up, his head smashing through the ceiling and his body dangling and thrashing

Lesnar: THAT’S a knockout!!

Maurice charges him again, and Lesnar sidesteps, tripping him and sending him through the door and onto Will

Will: MY SPLEEN!!

Phils legs struggle

Phil: OH GOD!

Tavi helps up Wolf. Wolf simply leans up and grabs Phils groin, squeezing. Phil screams

phil: OWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!!!!!!!!!!


Wolf lets go and smirks, turning to Tavi and french kissing her as they walk out of the door. Jarrett is busy finishing his steak as a bottle of bourbon flies into the wall near them

AJ: Damn..getting violent..Pass the dressing, Joe

Samoa Joe hands him some salad dressing

Joe: Always been like this...salt, Angle?

Kurt Angle passes Joe the salt

Angle: Y’know what? Should we just leave?

Jarrett: No! We can’t leave..right, Shelley?

Shelley: Nope. Noooo leaving.

Angle: Don’t you guys get bored with the violence, the randomness and the drinking?

Table: No.

Angle: ..Fair enough

Reigns: You should really think--

Billy tackles Evans through the table. Jarrett sits there, his knife and fork in mid-air where his plate used to be

Jarrett: ......Get the Scot

Billy: FUCK!

The table jumps up and roars, charging at Billy, who runs off screaming. Phil falls from the ceiling and smashes through a chair

Phil: .....Ow.

Shamrock rushes over, but Shelley clotheslines him

Shelley: WOOO!!

Lesnar taps Shelleys shoulder. He leans back and looks back, screaming and running behind the randomly appearing Luther Reigns. reigns folds his arms and stares up at Lesnar before they start exchanging blows. Raging Raven pops her head in and stares as Frank has Will in a headlock and is punching him violently.

Dick: RIGHT! EVERYONE! LISTEN UP!”

The brawl continues. Maurice charges in and takes down Sal and Vince, while Brick is busy smashing a table leg over That Random Guys back. Dick pulls out a hose

Shamrock: SHIT! HE GOT THE HOSE!

The brawling stops immediately and every turns to Dick

Dick: That is it! You all take this onto the streets and take the wounded and dead with you! NOW!

No-one moves, but Dick flips a switch and water starts spraying everywhere. Frank cries out and falls back

Frank: HELP! I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A CLEAR, NON-ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE!

They all rush out the door. Billy has Will over his shoulder while Sal drags Phil out over the rubble. They all turn to face eachother in the streets, breathing heavily and soaked by water

Frank: ...Same time next week lads?

The crowd murmurs in agreement and cheers. Jarrett claps his hands together

Jarrett: Ok slapnuts! I heard the Half Moons got a special and the Dog And Handgun has free lapdances to those who conquer the Yard Glass challenge!

Billy: That’s Franks territory.

Everyone laughs in agreement

Frank: Everyone split up, go home..go drink, and we’ll meet up next week!

The crowd raises their fists and yells in agreement. Steve turns around and runs into a wall before getting back up

Shamrock: Seriously, the last thing you need is more brain damage dude

Steve: Dain bramamage?

Shamrock: ...I rest my case

The door of the Half Moon opens and Screaming Mantis walks out, clutching 2 yard glasses
Mantis: Whoever can conquer it gets me tonight!

Maurice: But Franks the only one stupid enough ta try!

Mantis: Correct Maurice. Very correct

Crowd: WHAYYYYYY!! FRANK! FRANK! FRANK!

Couture, Angle, Sal and Billy shoves Frank out of the crowd. Frank looks around and grins

Frank: SHOULD I!?!??!?!?

Crowd: GO ON, FRANK!!

Frank grabs both glasses and starts to drain them at inhuman speeds. Mantis claps rapidly and cheers on as Frank drains them, slamming both glasses to the ground, smashing them and raising his arms. Dave runs over and raises his arm

Dave: THE WINNER AND THE INSANE ONE! FRANK DANIELS!

The crowd cheers wildly and Frank turns to Mantis, french-kissing her passionately.

Silence. Wincing.

Phil: I could have gone my whole life without seeing that............

Steve: I’m gonna puke!!

Both lay on top of eachother and the crowd screams. Dispersing rapidly

Sal: What the--

Sal, Billy, Steve Dean, Phil, Shelley, Angle, Couture, Shamrock, Will, Raven, Jon, Dean and Dave are sitting in the Dog and Handgun

Sal: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED THERE?!

Phil: Wow..horrific images make men run so fast..

Raven: And women!

Will: Yesh! Women too!

Sal: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED THERE??!!

Jon: Can someone explain to me where this traffic cone came from?

Jon holds up a red traffic cone with a black lacy thong dangling off it

Dean: Think thats bad?

Dean holds up his wrists to reveal pink fluffy handcuffs on them

Phil: AWESOME!

Shamrock: Times advanced 2 hours to...

Sal: 3 now..

Jon: I think its chucking out time..

Shamrock: Its your bar, Jon!

Jon: Oh yeah..

Jon vomits on the floor, his eyes twitching

Jon: I’ll clean it up later..

Sal: Wow..I think we’re...drunk beyond time, fellas..

Phil: I ain’t. I’m sober

Sal: Really Phil?..

Phil stands up and falls to the floor

Phil: FUCK! I’M FALLING!

He holds onto the floor, as if for dear life, until Steve, rosy cheeked, laughs and tumbles on top of him, dragging him up

Dean Martin: You know you’re drunk if you can’t lay on the floor without holding on!

Brick: DEAN MARTIN?!

Dean Martin looks at them

Martin: YOU DIDN’T SEE ANYTHING!!! ...Right?!?!?!

All: GOTCHA!!

He vanishes in a blue haze

Couture: Was that the drink or the insanity talking?

The door opens and Tavi and Wolf enter, looking at Phil and Steve

Wolf: We’ve came to take the men home..

Phil watches through the open door as Sabin starts to unicycle past uneasily, slowly being chased by a highly drunk, crawling Obese Maurice

Phil: Classic..

Tavi and Wolf walk in, and Frank crashes through the door with a bra on his head

Frank: I AM..BRA MAN!!

He makes a superhero pose.

Silence.

Sal: You’re fucking weird

Frank: SILENCE! YOU SHALL NOT CHALLENGE BRA MAN!

Couture: Bra mans fucking weird.

Steve: Is he real?

Steve squints slightly and falls off his stool

Brick: Dude! You like totally fell!

Screaming Mantis runs in, wearing only a long vest covering her body and thighs

Mantis: Frank! Frank!

Frank: IT IS..BRA MAN!!

Phil slowly stands up and raises his hand to speak, but slowly falls forward and flat on his face

Mantis: Ok Bra Man..wanna go for round two in the Mantis Pub?

Frank: DO I EVER!!!

Wolf: Is that a sex joke, Mantis?

Mantis: Try it Wolfy baby..it’s called drunken sex! You’d love it!

MAntis jiggles her chest slightly and pulls Frank out of the Dog and Handgun. Brick stumbles up

Brick: Well..i’m-a...g’night

Brick falls onto the strip club podium and starts snoring loudly, with Mr. Moneypennies wriggling out his pocket and slithering towards the bar

Mr. Moneypennies: Where all da snake wimmen at?!?!?!

Wolf: Ok you two..c’mon..

Phils head shoots up, sniffing the air

Phil: KEBABS!!!!!!!

Billy:@ But..Deans..here?

Dean: KARAB!!

All but Steve and Phil charge out. Wolf restrains both of them

Phil: Ya used to be fun Wolf! YA USED TO BE FUN!

She leans dfown and french kisses him violently. Phil lashes out, screaming before she breaks it

phil: YOU FUCKING PSYCHOPATH!!!!!!!

Wolf: Now..c’mon

Phil and Steve stumble up and Wolf sighs, linking arms with Tavi and walking into the street. They watch as Moe runs past in a bikini, chasing Jimmy with a whip

Phil: Dude..you totally see that?!

Steve: Yeah dude..like...woooooowww..

Bob and Octopus walk by. Bob looks at Phil who quickly pulls himself free of Wolfs grip

Bob: My God..Phil?! WHAT HAPPENED?!

Wolf: What do you mean?

Bob: Phil..drunk? No. It can’t be!! WHAT AMBUSH?! WHERE?!?!?

Octopus walks over and takes his arm

Octopus: Bob..I think Phils drunk

Bob: What? How?

Phil looks up at the sky and points, screaming

Phil: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! SHOOP DA WOOP!!! HE’S-A CHARGING HIS LAZER!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Bob: Oh. THAT. You can’t blame me for not realizing, I thought he was acting normal!

Wolf: So..you two went drinking?

Octopus and Bob snigger

Octopus: Drinking? Wolf. Friend. We went for a DATE.

Wol: Da...te?

Octopus: You know: A date.

Wolf tilts her head and shakes her head

Octopus: You serious? Phil never took you out on a date when you two were together?

Tavi: Hey! Wolf! We can go out on a date one time!

Wolf: What is this date thing? It sounds interesting

Shelley and Sabin ride by on horses, stopping beside them and making the Motor City Machineguns hand gesture. Sabin slaps Shelleys horse and it rears up wildly. Shelley screams and falls off, hanging off with one foot in the stirrup

Shelley: FUUUUUCKKK!!! SABIN!!!!!! YOU CUNT!!!

Sabin looks back and screams as Fedor Emelianenko points at them

Fedor: THEY! THEY STOLE MY LAST PACKET OF PEANUTS!

Sabin: RUN SHELLEY! RUN!

Sabins horse rides off quickly, and Shelley dangles there, flailing wildly. Octopus walks over and slaps the horse, it rears up wildly and shoots off, with Fedor in quick chase

Shelley: THANK YOU CRAZY LAAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyy.......

Octopus: Everyone gets one.

Wolf: So...date?

Octopus: You go out. A meal, a movie, a romantic sightseeing...we just went to the little lake in the small forest on the outskirts of this desert? Wow. Really beautiful when the moon catches it!

Wolf: Awwwwww!! Lets go there, Tavi!!

Octopus: I’;ll give you the directions later!

Wolf: Wow! And a dinner?

Bob: Yes! Take eachother to a nice restaurant, have a great meal and split the check!

Wolf: WOW!!

Phil: NO! DON’T FIRE YOUR LAZER! NO LAZER!!

Wolf shoves Phil to the ground, listening to Octopus. Phil gets on all fours and starts running around in circles. Steve gets on all fours and they run at eachother, headbutting eachother and making barking noises. Tavi sighs and rubs her tail achily, grabbing Phil and dragging him to his feet

Octopus: We’ll give you the locations later, me and Bob are gonna relax..

Bob waves goodbye and starts to walk off, Octopus leans in

Octopus (Quietly): We’re gonna rock the house down to its foundations. Watch and learn

She winks and runs after Bob, jumping on his back and wrapping her arms around him, both vanishing into the night

Wolf: Lets get the dogs home then..

Phil and Steve slowly stumble around

Phil: Hi-ho..hi-ho..off to home we go...

Tavi: Me and Wolf are gonna check out Drebins first..

Phils brain: Oh. Shit.

Tavi: I can’t believe my silver locket went missing..

Phils brain: OH SHIT.

Tavi: I am going to tear the throat out of whoever sold it..It means more to me than anyones life..

Phils brain: Thats it. I’m putting in for donorship.

Phil: WHY?!

Phils brain: Stop talking aloud you cunt! THAT’S WHY YOU MORON!!

Silence. Staring.

Tavi: Was it you?

Phil: Pfft. If it was, I would have moved out of this place when I did.

Tavi walks forward and pecks his cheek

Tavi: You can be such a sweetie.

Silence. Wolf and Tavi link arms and walk towards Drebins, where Drebin is sitting outside in a deckchair, giggling to himself and drinking Cobra

Steve: Phil...did you lie?

phil: I..don’t know!

Steve: Did you steal it and sell it?

Phil: I..don’t know!

Both men wrap an arm around the other shoulders and stumble over and up the steps, as soon as they enter their house and shut it, there’s a knock on the door. Phil walks forward and answers it. Johan and Big Bad Bobby are stood there

Johan: Phil. Triumph motorcycle you order here. Thanks for money. I LIKE YOU PHIL!!

Johan leans forward and bearhugs him groggily before putting him down and walking off, hiccuping

Phil: .........Ah shit.

Phil and Steve open the door and shut it. Phil slowly walks down the steps and strokes the motorcycles chrome handlebars

phil: Always wanted a Triumph Thunderbird 1956..

Steve: Looks purty!

Silence. Sound of slamming. Tavi walking out of Drebins shop carrying her locket and sobbing into Wolfs shoulder.

Steve: You better hide that thing!!

Phil tears a note from the gas tank and opens it

Haha! Gotcha this after hocking Tavis locket! Best of luck mate!

Will -x-

Phil looks down at the note. Tavi storms over and grabs his shirt collar

Tavi: YOU SON OF A BI--

Steve stops her and points to the note. Silence.

Phil: Steve...Get the nutcrackers.

Steve: ..Why?

Phil looks up

Phil: Cause Wills about to lose his studlin.

Tavi: Phil..you didn’t hock the locket?

Phil: Does it look like i’m stupid enough to do that?!

Phils brain: Well, you are.

Phil slaps his temple

phils brain: OW! YOU BITCH!

Tavi: Oh..Phil..you still care..

Tavi looks at him and grins before looking back at Wolf, who grins widely

Tavi: We can give you one better...

Phil stares at them

Phil: Oh lord, please not that.

Tavi: If me and Wolf spent the night with you..who would protect Will..from the almighty violent wrath of Raging Raven?

Phil stares at her.

Phils brain: On one hand, you have psychological and physical destruction..on the other, sex and Wills annihalation.

Phil keeps thinking for too long. Tavi and Wolf grab his arms and start to drag him into the house

phil: NO! STOP! I DIDN’T CONSENT! DID NOT CONSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNTT!!!!

They drag him into the house and lock the door. Will runs out of his flat, his back on fire and screaming wildly, running down the street. Raging Raven jumps over the steps and gives chase at inhuman speeds

Raven: I WANT YOUR BLOOD ON TOAST WILL STUDLIN! I WANT YOU TO DIE!! DIE!!

Frank slowly pokes his head out of the door and points

Frank: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Screaming Mantis walks out, wearing a silk robe and wraps her arms around Frankls back. Frank grins and turns to her

Frank: How about sex by the fireplace?

Bobs voice from his and Octopus’s bedroom: WE DON’T HAVE A FIREPLACE!!

Silence. Frank stares at the fire caused by Raven in the middle of the floor.

Mantis: Who cares? Lets rock.

Frank screams in joy and slams the door as the scene fades.

Destruction Derby

Take 23 cars. Some mercenaries. Some cameo-appearance celebrities, toss in a few pieces of randomness, sprinkle with violence, blood, and explosions and you have MGM:Destruction Derby!!!!

--

The scene opens up in the locker-rooms of the Two Tribes War-Ring. A huge crowd has assembled in the stands behind a huge chainlink guardfence which bars them off from a massive flat dirtring which is covered in blood, mud and tire-tracks. Screaming Mantis, strangely wearing a suit, makes her way up to the announcers cabin and taps the mic

Screaming Mantis: Testing! Testing!

Crowd Member: We hear ya dude!

Mantis: I’m a woman!

Crowd Member 2: HAHAHAHAA!! BURNED!!

Mantis: Wankers..

Crowd Member: I HEARD THAT!!

Mantis: Anyway..Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to the Two tribes War-Ring for our first ever Mercenary Destruction Derby! And joining me..

Wearing a suit and sunglasses, Jonny ‘Akiba’ Sasaki makes his way up the steps and into the announcers box, giving the peace sign. A glass bottle narrowly misses him

Mantis: WHICH FAN THREW THAT?!

Dick and Frank appear in a entrance opposite the announcers box, flipping the bird at Sasaki before running off

Mantis: Without letting you wait further, here’s introducing our already teams!

Akiba: I believe they’ve been waiting 20 minutes!

Mantis glares at Akiba, who whimpers and backs off

Screaming Mantis: AND HERE COME THE TEAMS! FIRST! CAR 41!

Car 41 drives out, an emerald green lowrider with flame paintjob blasting out Spanish Hip-Hop. That Hispanic Guy leans back in the seat smoking a cigar as That Random Guy fiddles with the hydraulics as Johan and Big Bad Bobby sit in the back, carrying M4s

Akiba: I love the lowrider! Apparently made at their own chopshop!

Mantis: Yes it is..CAR 18!

A heavy muscle car rolls with Frank riding it, baring his teeth and growling. Dick Head the barkeep is in the passengers side,looking scared and Sal is in the back with Vince

Mantis: CAR OMEGA!

Crowd: ._.;

A three wheeled Del-Boy van rolls out weakly with Al the Pub Landlord in the front with Johnny Cash riding shotgun..literally carrying a shotgun. In the back are two Outer Haven troops with paper sacks over their head, obviously so Car Omega could simply enter with the recommended participants.

Mantis: CAR 5150!!!

A Ford Mustang rolls out with Chuck Norris at the wheel wearing sunglasses. In the passengers seat is Brick and in the back are Zack De La Rocha and Tom Morello

Manits: And Car 5150 has Rage Against The Machine! AND CHUCK NORRIS!

Tom Morello tunes his guitar and De La Rocha sharpens the bottom of his mic

Akiba: FREAKAY!

Mantis: CAR GEKKOU!!

Morello: A Gekkou?!

De La Rocha slaps Morello around the head

De La Rocha: I told ya it would be legal!

A huge Gekkou stomps out and roars at the audience, who boo. Liquid Ocelot stands on top of the machine, waving his arms, with Vamp also standing on top

Akiba: CAR MOTORCYCLE!!

Sal: Motorcycle?!

A motorcycle with 2 sidecars attached to it rolls out. Driving the motorcycle is Alex Shelley, with Chris Sabin in the left sidecar and Drebin in the right side car

Mantis: CAR 66!

A black van rolls out with Steve driving it. Jay Cutler is riding in the passangers seat and that is the only competitors in it.

Akiba: This could be bad for Car 66! They only have 2 competitors!

Mantis: But one of them is Olympian Jay Cutler! That could severely increase their chances here tonight!

Akiba: Imagine what HE could do at Shadow Moses!

Mantis: Vulcan Raven eat your heart out!

Steve rolls down the window and leans out

Steve: STOP GOING ON ABOUT CUTLER! WE'RE ALL FAMOUS HERE!

Mantis: Yeah, sure you are..CAR 666!

A giant hearse rolls out with red headlights with Samoa Joe driving it with AJ Styles next to him. Sitting on the coffin and facing the rear door is Kurt Angle smiling happily

Akiba: 3 competitors, I can only guess someone is in the coffin!

Mantis: We shall see Jonny! We shall see! CAR HOTDIGGIDYDOG!!

Cutler: Oh...what the fuck?!

A huge hotdog machine slowly wheels out. The top of it opens up to reveal Dean at the wheel with Karab and Jon in the back, laughing maniacally

Mantis: .....Ok..CAR 71!!

A red, very old and very dilapidated Dodge rolls out with Al Bundy at the wheel, humming ‘Born To Be Wild’. In the back are Frank Sinatra , Dean MArtin and Sammy Davis Jr. with John Wayne sitting in the passenger seat, polishing a Winchester Rifle

Akiba: THAT is one car I wouldn’t wanna cross!

Mantis: Indeed..CAR 555-666-777

Akiba: Is that a phone number?!

A huge zorb with several open panels rolls out. In it are Obese Maurice, Moe the Midget and MC Hammer

Akiba: Wow..just..WOW!

Mantis: CAR WOLF!!!

Crying Wolf zooms out from her post and bounds the arena, sitting behind Car 66 and staring inside

Akiba: I guess it reinforces the idea that some more are in the back of the van!

A middle finger flipping off Wolf appears in the window and she snarls before bounding off

Mantis: CAR OCTOPUS!!

A huge cackle fills the arena as Octopus crawls out of her post, with Bob sitting on her headset, strapped in and carrying an AK-47

Bundy: CHEAT! I CALL SHENANIGANS!!

Akiba: Anythings allowed, Al!

Mantis: CAR RAVEN!!

Raging Raven swoops down from the ceiling with Bill sitting on her right wing and That Other Random Guy on her left wing

Mantis: CAR EXTREME!!

A huge army jeep rolls out with Lemmy driving it. Jimmy is manning the machine gun and in the back 2 seats, sporting shotguns are Jonathon and Ed

Akiba: JON! ED!

Ed waves at Akiba somewhat bemusedly

Mantis: CAR SPIDER!!

Frank: Oh....FUCK!!

A huge mechanical spider strides out and hisses at the cars. A small hatch opens in the front to reveal Ken Shamrock, Chuck Liddell, Randy Couture, Michael Bisping and Rashad Evans

Akiba: Shoulda called it Car UFC!

Mantis: Do not underestimate THAT!

Akiba: I know!

Mantis: CAR FINGUNNAWIN!!

Each member of each car looks towards the post as a small soapbox car weakly pedals out, carrying 4 Outer Haven troopers

OH Troop 1: WOOO!! WE GONNA WIN!!

Cutler: Like a truck over an ice cream cone, right guys?

Frank nods sadistically

Mantis: CAR 911!

A tank rolls out.

Mantis: Well, we can't see the drivers, but that is gonna be the one to beat!

The hatch flips open and Will and Billy pop up, waving like maniacs wearing their mercenary gear

Mantis: And it looks like car 911 will be laughing all the way back to Alaska! But, last but not least..CAR REX!

Al: Wait..did that lass just say Rex?

Liquid Ocelot looks around off the top of his Gekkou

Ocelot: Smart ass motherfucker!

Metal Gear REX stomps in and roars loudly, the cockpit opens to reveal Old Snake sitting in it

Snake: SURPRISE, BITCHES!

Shamrock: Ahhhh...fuck.

Mantis: 3...2...

The cars rev their engines and the Tank starts turning its turret. Crying Wolf scratches herself with her hindlegs and the 2 Gekkous keep stomping

Mantis: 1...

The giant hotdog machine belches out another hotdog. An Outer Haven trooper peddles weakly in the soapbox car and the metal spider hisses loudly

Mantis: GO!!

Screams are heard as every single vehicle drives down towards the middle from the dip. REX and Ocelots Gekkou are busy lashing out at eachother on the side as Steves black van starts to tip .Steve pulls out a trident and leans out the door like a lancer on a horse, charging towards the soapbox car. The Outer Haven trooper peddles towards the right but is skewered as the van crushes the soapbox and the rest of the troopers beneath its wheels

Jonny: And Car 1 is history in the early goings!

Mantis: A car made out of cardboard was never going to threaten this lot..and here comes the tank!

The tank finally begins to slowly move down the slopes and fires off a huge shell towards the crowd of cars, the drivers quickly turn and start heading towards the tank

Will: Umm..Billy? They're coming for us!

Billy: Yeah, what cars going to stop--

The giant hotdog machine jumps up and lands on the top of the tank, crushing it down slightly. Billy looks through the broken hatch and a hotdog falls on his face

Billy: MOTHERFUCKER!

The metal spider starts to crawl towards the tank

Shamrock: Here we go! Lets chew these bitches!

Will: NO! BAD SPIDER!

Billy: REVERSE WILL! REVERSE!

Will: WHICH LEVERS REVERSE?!?!?!

Billy: Ahhh..come on ya bitches!!

As the spider crawls closer, Billy slides a shell into the turret and pulls the trigger, firing it. The spider stumbles backwards as the black van accelerates towards the spider, with Crying Wolf chasing the van.

Akiba: And Wolf is after that small van!

Mantis: But look!

The doors get shot off and Phil stands there with an M61 Vulcan laying on the floor

Phil: COME OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!

Wolf skids to a halt as Phil fires it, only for the recoil to send him backwards and smashing through the van and into the middle van seat

Steve: Phil?!

Phil: ........Ow

Cutler hits him

Phil: GODDAMMIT! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!

Cutler: Being a loser.

The hotdog machine has crawled off the tank and is starting towards the tank as a blue glow fills the arena. Every driver looks up at it

Sal: ..What the--

Phil: LEMMYS GETTING THE WAR PIG READY!!!!!!

Lemmy points at Phil and grins. Phil gulps. Will looks up at the giant warpig-headed train which is slowly appearing from another dimension

Will: As a mercenary I have truly seen it all!

The black van and metal Gear REX make for the hotdog machine, which quickly turns around and squeakily wheels away. Car 5150 speeds towards Al Bundys Mustang, with De La Rocha swinging his mic

De La Rocha: It’s a beautiful day to kick your ass!

Several tentacles wrap around Car 5150 and Laughing Octopus cackles

Morello: NOT FUNNY! DEPLOY THE NORRIS!

Chuck Norris leans out and slaps Laughing Octopus, causing her to lose her mask and look up at Bob

Octopus: Bob..honey..I had a nightmare..

She looks around to see the black van getting chased by a hotdog machine, a mechanical spider trying to stomp a tank, and an PMC trooper crawling from a soapbox wreckage

Octopus: ...oh

The spider quickly latches to the tank and Billy flips open the hatch

Billy: GLASGOW RULES YA BASTARDS!!

Rashad Evans crawls out and cracks his knuckles, Billy grabs a bottle and smashes it off the hatch

Will: Billy..where’d you get the bottle?

Billy: If Steve can summon a trident, i’ll be damned if I can’t summon a bottle!

Rashad Evans punches him repeatedly and he collapses as the tank reverses

Shamrock: Dammit Chuck! I told you to keep ahold of them!

Liddell: Ah, but I have a new trick!

He presses a button and a huge net ensnares the tank

Will: No!!!

Will loads a shell in and fires, only for one leg of the spiders to get taken off

Bundy: THAT’S OUR CHANCE!

The Mustang accelerates towards the Spider, only for the Gekkou to stand in the way. The Mustang screeches to a halt

Ocelot: Well, well..Al Bundy!

The black van screeches beneath the Gekkou, being chased by a hotdog machine playing Tunak Tunak Tun. Phil is busy doing a weird dance as Steve tries to avoid it

Phil: I DUNNO THE LYRICS, BUT THE BEAT! THE BEAT!

Cutler: STEP ON IT!

Akiba: And it really is murder on the dancefloor!

Mantis: Bad pun there as Metal GearREX picks it opponent!

Old Snake: I have to stop that hotdog machine or the spirit bomb destroys us all..but..There’s Ocelot..I can’t let him get away! THESE MERCENARIES COMPROMISED MY MISSION! I MUST KILL OCELOT!

The mustang charges at the Gekkou and goes under its legs as John Wayne aims, firing several rounds at the Gekkous back

Wayne: Damned Iron Beast! The Winchester ain’t doing much!

The Rat Pack pull out Tommy Guns and start firing repeatedly as REX stomps towards the Gekkou

Snake: LIQUUUUUUUUUUUUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Gekkou turns to face the oncoming REX

Ocelot: BROTHEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Laughing Octopus and Bob leave hand in hand as the spider starst to kick the netted tank to the designated surrender zone

Mantis: Car FINGUNNAWIN and Car Octopus have gone, and Car 911 looks like it’s about to follow suit!

Will: NO WAY!!

Will unfurls the hatch and Billy also climbs out, carrying an RPG

Shamrock: The RPGs not gonna do much!

Billy fires it down and the net rips off, also blowing off another of the spiders left legs, causing it to stumble

Shamrock: MOTHERFUCKER!

A PMC troop makes it to the surrender zone as REX and the Gekkou battle. Car 5150 and Car Extreme start circling eachother

Ed: FUCKING YEAH!

Jimmy starts to fire the machine gun rapidly at the car, which starts to crumble, but it manages to start ramming them back into a surrender zone

Mantis: Could Car Extreme be forced to surrender?!

Tom: KEEP FIRING JIMMY!!!

Jimmy pulls harder, causing the rounds to pound Car 5150 faster, De La Rocha flings out his microphone, only for Raging Raven to swoop down and Bill and That Other Random Guy to fire, causing Car 5150 to start smoking

Morello: Norris! HELP!

Chuck Norris climbs onto the roof and walks slowly onto the trunk roundhousing kicking Car Extreme. It flies back and into a designated surrender zone, but rolls across the chainlink crowd guard and onto its wheels

Mantis: CAR EXTREME IS NOT ELIMINATED!

Car 5150: WHAT?!

Norris: Everyone has one

Morello: NORRIS!! NO!!

Chuck Norris vanishes in a blinding flash of white light as the jeep guns towards the Mustang

Brick: Time to unleash some BRICK!

Brick pulls a crate of bricks from under his feet and throws them with superhuman strength, the Jeep swerves and it bounces of the Zorb

Obese Maurice: YA BASTARDS!!

The Zorb starts rolling towards Car 5150, only for the hotdog machine to stand in front of it, the front having fallen off to reveal Dean steering a tiny wheel

Moe: Time to knock out the Hotdogs!

Jon: Oh my God Dean! MOVE!

The Zorb starts rolling and bounces against the Hotdog machine. The machine keeps accelerating

Dean: I CAN’T! ITS TOO ZORBY!

The Zorb keeps rolling and the Hotdog machine falls back

Jon: NOOO!!! I AIN’T GOING OUT LIKE A BI--

The black van smashes into it and sends it skidding into a surrender zone

Akiba: CAR HOTDIGGIDYDOG IS GONE!!

Car 71 starts bouncing towards Car 18

That Hispanic Guy: Ey! Frank! Kiss yo ass goodbye!

Johan cracks his knuckles as the lowrider pulls beside the muscle car, only for Dick to pull out pint glasses and start throwing them at the paintwork

That Random Guy: Pull away! THE PAINTWORK!

Big Bad Bobby leans out with a crowbar and pries off a hubcap, throwing it into his hands

Big Bad Bobby: GOT ONE!

They hi-5 as the muscle car accelerates towards them

Frank: PAINTWORK! READY SAL?!

Sal: As ready as ever!

The lowrider screams and starts to speed away as the muscle car drives beside it, with Sal holding a dirty basketball

Dick: Dirty them into surrender!

The zorb starts to try and bounce REX away, as the black van pulls beside Wolf for another attack

phil: No bad feelings, ey?

Sweet Female Voice: Not at all!

Wolf: Hehehehee...

Phil: ...Oh..don’t be a sugar glider..DO NOT BE A--

An steel-gray furred anthropomorphic sugar glider pops up, aiming an M4

Phil: What a shock.

He slumps back

Cutler: Wow..ol’ Phils doubly lucky, eh?

He quickly stands up

Phil: YOU GOT ME! KILL ME!

She fires, but he dodges

Phil: WOAH! CALM DOWN!

Steve pulls out a trident and manages to lance Crying Wolf, pushing her away as they speed off

Tavi: Go Wolf! Car Motorcycle can be tipped over!

Drebin: guys! Crazy Wolf and..something weird and hot..coming this way!

Shelley: What the--Ah well. Sabin! Ready the radiator!

Tavi: Radia--SHIT!!!

Wolf charges too fast and Sabin and Shelley pull out a radiator panel, throwing it and knocking Tavi off Crying Wolf. Sabin grins and makes the MCMG hand gesture

Drebin: Ok guys, there’s a bounty on Car 18! GO GET THEM!

The motorcycle speeds off towards Franks muscle car which brakes and spins with Frank smashing the windshield

Frank: READY DICK?!

The hearse smashes into their side and they barrel roll repeatedly before smashing violently into a wall. frank and Dick are slumped in the front seat

Akiba: AND CAR 18..MAY BE DEAD!

The hearse brakes and the rear doors fly open, with Kurt Angle kicking them open

Drebin: BRAKE! FUCK!

Shelley instead accelerates, grinning wildly. The coffin flies open and silver smoke pours out as Jeff Jarrett emerges

Mantis: JARRETT!! JARRETT WAS IN THE COFFIN!

Shelley: NOW i’ll brake!

Shelley brakes, but it’s too late: The motorcycle speeds so close to the van Jarrett smashes his guitar off Shelleys head, causing him to fall backwards. Sabin quickly stands up and shoves Shelley into his sidecar, taking the bike and speeding off.

Joe: Ok! Who next?!

The zorb slowly bounces towards them and Joe screams, quickly speeding off, being chased. Raging Raven swoops down towards Car 71, but several shotgun blasts from the wreckage of Car 71 blow her off course

Bill: MY RIDE! YOU DONE BUSTING MY RIDE!

Raven looks back at him

Bill: In the sense that you are a human who can carry us--

Raven snarls

Bill: I mean..in a friendly way! Carrying us like a car!

That Other Random Guy: Bill, stop while you’re ahead

More shotgun blasts tear towards them and Raven banks down, gunning for Car OMEGA, only for Al to throw a keg at Raven, causing her to lose control

That Other Random Guy: WE GOING DOWN!!

Frank opens the door of the muscle car and it falls off

Sal: So..thats it?

Frank: Sal.

Sal: Frank.

Frank: You are one of my favourite mercenaries, but seriously. You going to drive this hunk of crap into battle?

Vince: Why not?

Frank: ...You’re fucking weird

Akiba: AND CAR 18 IS CONGREGATING!

Frank flips the bird at Akiba

Frank: ..In the car

They all huddle into the car and Frank jams the gearstick, revving the muscle car into battle as the radio blasts out ‘Ain’t My Bitch’ by Metallica. He bares his teeth and growls as Dick pulls out an RPG

Sal: DICK?! Where’d ya get that from?!

Dick: I like to clean my bar and you mercenaries leave the damnedest things, now shut up and get ready.

Frank fires up the car and they zoom into the main arena. The zorb is busy bouncing after the hearse, only for the black van to start chasing it

Phil: Ok..Steve. Side to it carefully..carefully

Steve slowly pulls beside the zorb

Phil: Ok...

Phil pulls out a thumbtack, but MC Hammer pulls out a gold hubcap and a door flies open, he throws it and it hits Cutler on the head, knocking him out

Phil: DAMMIT HAMMER!!

Hammer: Can’t touch this!

The zorb speeds off. Car 71 pulls beside Car 41

Al: Nice wheels, *beep*!

That Hispanic Guy: Hey! Thanks Al!

Al: Shame about the tires.

That Random Guy: OH FUCK!

The Rat Pack throws out stingers and the lowrider hits them, popping every tire as it slowly grinds to a halt, the wheels spinning helplessly

Johan: Looks like it be a good ol’ survival fight!

Johan cracks his knuckles, only for the hearse to reverse into them, They all scream and sit, fastening their seatbelts as they roll across the floor. That Hispanic Guys hair is slowly being scraped off by the dirt of the dirtring

That Hispanic Guy: BEEEEEEEEEEEATCH!!!!!!!!

The lowrider keeps rolling, until Big Bad Bobby raises his arms and throws them up. Raven, having regained control, smashes upwards as the lowrider flies into them

Bill: GODDAMN FLYING LOWRIDERS!! DAMN THE MEXICAN STEREOTYPE! DAMN IT TO HELL!!

The lowrider flies above Raven and starts to fall, only for Raven to swoop down and start to hurtle towards the ground, towards REX

Snake: Oh, nadgers.

REX quickly stomps off

That Random Guy: READY THE JOHAN!!

That Hispanic Guy grabs Johan and throws him out of the door. Johan hurtles towards the ground, his bald head making him more streamlined and faster. Raven keeps going down, but it can’t avoid a massive flying headbutt from Johan, causing it to smash into the ground and roll lifelessly into a surrender zone. Johan drills so deep down he hits oil, and the lowrider quickly falls to its wheels, the sideskirts and some panelling dropping off

Big Bad Bobby: OH! IT’S AWN NOW!

Johan flies up in a spout of oil and lands in his seat

That Hispanic Guy: DAMMIT JOHAN! I JUST GOT THIS CAR UPHOLSTERED!

Mantis: And Car Raven takes an early bath!

Bill stands up and dusts himself off. Raven throws off her wings and stomps into the locker-room
Bill: Look! All I said was that De La Rochas a god and of course he could swing a mic at us! OH! COME ON!

Akiba: Oh my, a little bit of team spirit crumbling there as Car Raven walks off!

The crowd cheer as REX and the Spider start circling eachother

Shamrock: COME ON! I DARE YOU!

REX roars and fires its railgun, causing one of the SPiders right legs to fall off

Bisping; THAt’S IT SHAMROCK! MOVE OVER! I’M TAKING CONTROL!

Shamrock: NO!

The Spider stumbles lifelessly before it stands up straight and fires a web towards REX, only for REX to punt it into the crowd

Bisping: Nuts.

The jeep hurtles towards the Spider and knocks another right leg off, sending the leg smashing into the zorb and causing the zorb to start bouncing off the walls

Obese Maurice: Oo! BLOODY ELL! I’M GONNA PUKE!

Akiba: And Car Extreme just made the zorb play ping-pong!

Mantis: But Car 555-666-777 isn’t out! It must land in the surrender zone and stay still for 3 seconds!

Ed: MOVE!

The jeep speeds under REXs legs, with Jimmy firing at the underside. REX turns around, only for the Gekkou to start kicking it

Ocelot: BROOOOOOOTHERRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Snake: Ah fuck off!

REX collides with the Gekkou. Ocelot curses and jumps onto REX, aiming a punch at Snake. Snake ducks and they start fist-fighting, with Snake putting Ocelot ina headlock and repeatedly punching him

Akiba: Queensbury Rules on REX!

Shelley comes to on the Motorcycle and pulls out a net

Shelley: ..Get that hearse!

The hearse flies past the zorb, with Jarrett smashing another guitar off it, causing it to ping around the walls and cause Car 18 to fall apart some more

Vince: frank! If this car takes anymore it’ll explode!

Frank: YOU WANTED IT! I’M DRIVING UNTIL ITS NOTHING BUT SEATS, ENGINES,A STEERING WHEEL AND WHEELS!!

Sal: ..Why did we agree to let a alcoholic drive?!

Frank: BECAUSE WE’RE ALL FUCKING INSANE!!

The muscle car starts to accelerate towards Crying Wolf as the motorcycle pulls beside the hearse

Shelley: GOODNIGHT!

Shelley hurls the net into the back of the hearse, tangling up Jarrett and Angle. The motorcycle pulls beside the hearse and Drebin rips off the drivers door, pulling out a grenade, only for Styles to headbutt it out of Drebins hands and into Car 5150

De La Rocha: GRENADE!!

Morello grabs it and keeps throwing it between his hands, whimpering
Brick: OUT THE WINDOW!

Morello throws it and it lands on the hatch of the tank, only for the hatch to fling open and making it fly into the hearse. Joe quickly kicks it into the hole Johan made and it fizzles out

Drebin: A DUD?!

Styles grins and punches Drebin, only for the motorcycle to drive off

Styles: WE DID IT!

Joe tries to break, but they collide with the wall. The tank slowly rolls over and points its turret at the hearse

Jarrett: Ahhh..slapnuts

Billy surfaces. wearing an army helmet and clutching a speaker

Nilly: All of you! Out the hearse!

Akiba: And if the driver steps out, its automatic surrender!

Joe: NEVER!

Billy: FIRE!

The tank fires a shell, only for Joe to hit a pele kick and it hits the tank and explodes, causing the tank to fly backwards in a smouldering wreckage into a surrender zone

Akiba: THE TANKS OUT!!

The spider slowly stumbles along and spits a web onto it

Bisping: Eheheheheheheee!!!!!

The spider scuttles off as the hatch slowly flies open, smoke pouring out of it. Will surfaces, his eyebrows on fire

Will: YOU CUNTS!!

Kurt Angle flips the bird and cackles as the hearse speeds off. Ocelot now has Snake in a Boston Crab

Ocelot: TAAAAAAPPPP!!!

Snake rolls around and trips Ocelot, locking him in an Ankle Lock

Ocelot: THE PAIN!!!!

The jeep now hurtles towards the 3 wheel del-boy

Cash: Time to spill the blood..

The jeep keeps speeding towards them, only for Cash to strum his guitar, it stops immediately

Jimmy: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!

Lemmy: I dunno! It won’t start! The engines jammed!

Cash: Down down down into a burning ring of fire!

The engine starts to smoke, only for Al to step onto the accelerator and push the jeep away. Jimmy yells out and fires the machine gun at th van, only for Cash to absorb them with his guitar

Jimmy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Jimmy stops and starts to crawl across the seats, only for Wolf to smash into the side of the jeep and send it smashing through a surrender zone wall and into the locker-room. The Orgasmatron quickly reverses into its dimension and the port closes

Bill (From the locker-room) All I said was that you don’t always have to fly!

Raging Raven (From the locker-room): I’M CALLED RAVEN FOR A REASON YOU BASTARD!

The sound of punching is heard as the crowd cheers wildly

Mantis: And the competitors are whittling down as Car Extreme flies into the showers!

Akiba: Still 13 cars left!

Franks muscle car slowly wheezes along, now only a framework, steering wheel, seats, engine and tires. Car 41 bounces beside it and Johan cracks his knuckles. Franbk growls at him, only for the hearse to smash into the back of the lowrider

Big Bad Bobby: FUCKING CHEAPSHOTS!!

The hearse keeps driving the lowrider forward and Johan turns around, climbing onto the hearses bonnet and putting his fist through the windshield, grabbing Styles by his shirt

Styles: NO! BAD BOBBY! VERY BAD BOBBY!!

Bricks Mustang is busy ramming the zorb against a wall, as the black van pulls beside Wolf for another attack

Phil: OK! I GOT YA NOW!

Wolf smashes into the side of the van, causing it to teeter and something to land on the roof/. Sveral shots fire down and all 3 scream. A golden eye peers through one of the bulletholes as Cutler flips the bird and punches upwards

Voice: OH GOD! WHY WOULD YOU HIT A GIRL?! OWWWWWWWWW!!!!!

Phil pats Cutler on the back

Phil: Well done.

Phil climbs out of the window and Steve gives him a boost, pushing him onto the roof, only to see one of Wills blonde hookers

Phil: ...What the--FUCK! IT’S A TRAP!

Steve: WHAT?!

Phil: SHE’S GOT COOTIES! THIS IS CHEMICAL WARFARE!

Phil quickly punts her off and she rolls across the dirt track, only for Phil to be kicked off the side, with him quickly grabbing on. Tavi kneels down and looks down at him

Tavi: Oh..Phil..hanging on?

Bricks Mustang now smashes into the vans side, causing Tavi to collapse

Tavi: FUCK!

De La Rocha: KEEP RAMMING!

The zorb flies off a wall and smashes into the Mustang at such speeds a huge indent appears in the door

Morello: OH NO! A ZORB! AGAIN!

Als old mustang quickly speeds towards Bricks mustang and smashes into its side

Brick: WE’RE CORNERED!!

The zorb pings off a wall and hurtles for the mustang, but De La Rocha leans out of the window and starts to rotate his head quickly, causing his dreadlocks to spin faster than the human eye can see

Moe: FUCK! ROCHA WHIRLWIND!

The force of the dreadlock creates a wind which sends the zorb flying at such speed it sends it through another surrender zone and clear outside the arena

Akiba: And Car 5150 just took down Car 555-666-777!

Mantis: Shame..I thought the zorb was cool!

Akiba: It certainly did its damage!

John Wayne quickly starts firing rapidly into the doors of the mustang, as Brick speeds off. Wolf smashes into REX, where Snake has Ocelot in a Anaconda Vise

Snakew: DAMMIT! WE’RE BUSY!

Car 41 and the motorcycle race along the edges of the arena, with Johan and Sabin exhcnaging blows./ Sabin quickly points behind the lowrider

Sabin: LOOK! FLASHER!

Johan: Where?!

Johan turns around, but That Hispanic Guy punches Sabin in the crotch. Sabin cries out and crumbles ina heap on the motorcycle. Drebin curses and throws Sabin into his sidecar, taking the bike himself

Drebin: VROOM VROOM MOTHERFUCKER!

Drebin jerks too hard and the motorcycle almost falls over, but Shelley smashes his feet through the bottom of his sidecar and scrapes them off the ground, causing it fall back to its wheel

Shelley: DREBIN! PAY MORE ATT--

Franks muscle car scrapes past the side, leaving the sidecar with a huge scratch and it splits open, causing Shelley to have to lean onto Drebin

Drebin: Goddammit! I can’t steer with you on me!!

Frank: Vince. The honors.

Vince grins and grabs a tire iron, throwing it at the wheel and making the motorcycle flip forward, rolling off the ground and skidding to a halt in a surrender area with Shelley unconscious on the ground and Drebin with no legs

Drebin: ...Ow..my suit!

Mantis: And car Motorcycle is done with!

Sabin falls out his sidecar

Sabin: We lose?

ShelleY: Yes.

Sabin kicks the dirt

Sabin: DAMMIT!

Shelley: Sabin! It’s ok! WE’LL BE BACK!

‘1969' plays as Shelley and Sabin help up Drebin to huge cheers, carrying him into the locker-room. The Spider quickly rushes over and starts to kick car 41

That Random Guy: Damn Spider! You go squish!

Shamrock: HAHAHAHAA!!!

The hearse pulls beside the spider and Jarrett swings his guitar, causing another leg to fall off. The lowrider quickly zoom off, causing the final left leg to snap off and the spider to collapse to one side

Evans: DAMMIT!!!

Shamrock: We can still win!

The spider scuttles lifelessly, firing a web stream at the side of Car OMEGA helplessly

Bisping: At least we can--

Car 18 kamikazes into the side of the spider, causing the entire frame to shatter. The force of the engine pushes both car and spider into a surrender zone

Mantis: And in a fell swoop, Car 18 and Car Spider are out!

Akiba: Car 18 wasn’t going to get further, but a kamikaze took it out!

Sal climbs off his seat and onto the dirt, with the UFC fighters also surfacing

Evans: FUCK!

The UFC guys curse loudly and make their way into the locker-room,. as Frank grabs a bottle of bourbon which escaped amazingly unscathed from under the remnants of the drivers seat. He smashes the neck off and downs the whole bottle in on

Frank: DICK! 5 MORE!

Dick clicks his fingers and leads them into the locker-room

Akiba: And only 9 remain!

Phil iss still hanging onto the side of his van as the lowrider pulls up. Johan stands up and grabs Phil by the hem of his pants. Tavi is latching onto the roof

Tavi: I’M....SCARED!!

Phil: I’VE GOT A TWENTY STONE BEHEMOTH GRABBING ME!!

Cutler leans out and quickly punches Johan, causing him to let go. Phil grabs Tavis hand

Tavi: I LOVE YOU PHIL! THANK YOU!

Phil: ......I suppose it would be a bad time to--

Phil drags her off and she flies into That Hispanic Guy. He quickly crawls over Cutler and into the middle seat. That Random Guyt akes over the steering, only for the van to pull around the other side. Steve revs the accelerator and aims his trident like a lance.

Big Bad Bobby: WE HAVE TROUBLE!!

That Hispanic Guy looks back

Car 41 and Tavi : Ahhhh shi--

Steve lances the lowrider and throws the trident, causing the lowrider to speed forward and smash violently into a wreck in a surrender zone, several gold airbags deploying. A weak-sounding horn rendition of the Spanish Fly squeaks out before dying

Akiba: AND CAR 41 IS OUT!

Crying Wolf bounds towards the wreckage and skids to a halt. The hatch opens and she climbs out, rushing over to That Hispanic Guy

That Hispanic Guy: Hey gorgous..come to save--

Wolf: Out the way dirtbag!

She slaps him out of the car and she holds Tavi

wolf: TAVI?! TAVI???!!!

Tavi: They got me....

Akiba: And Car Wolf has stayed in the surrender zone! IT’S OUT! WE ARE DOWN TO THE BEST!

Wolf: Are you ok?!

Tavi: Did...we..lose?

Wolf: Yes..

Tavi: DAMMIT! But...we always won, right?

Wolf: Right?

They lean down and share a passionate kiss, causing the van to break and the 3 to watch in amazement, Bricks mustang stops and they watch it, as well as Car OMEGA

Steve: Phil! The crazy unhuman ladies kissing your human lady!

Phil: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wolf breaks the kiss softly and looks over at {Phil who flips the bird

Phil: I’M FREE!! EAT THAT MOTHERFUCKERS!!

They stand still for too long, and the hearse smashes into the vans side, causing it to roll across the dirt and smash into the crowd barrier. Car OMEGA quickly revs into action and Johnny Cash leans out

Cash: Goodnight RAT PACK!

He readies a guitar as the mustang pulls beside Als mustang. Al pulls on his Polk High football and grins

Al: READY FOR SOME MOVES?!

The mustang speeds fast towards the wall as the del boy follows

Sinatra: AL?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Al: Watch.

The mustang flies towards the wall, but Cash readies his guitar and leans out, only for the mustang to break and skid to a halt at 90 degrees. The del boy smashes violently into the wall and Cash falls back into his seat. The mustang speeds forward before reversing back, smashing into the del boy and pushing it into the surrender zone where its engine smokes

Akiba: MY GOD! CAR OMEGA HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!

Al Bundy hi-5s Sinatra and Wayne readies his rifle, but the hearse hurtles forward. However, as it does, the black van speeds forward and smashes it before it reaches Als mustang, causing both cars to spin across the dirt, they collide side to side and they smash violently into a surrender, their cars catching fire

Akiba: CAR 66 JUST KAMIKAZED CAR 666!!

Mantis: A fitting end to the hearse!

Al: Let’s rock.

Ocelot hits a Russian Leg Sweep to Snake on the REX and locks him in an STF as Car 50150 hurtles towards the mustang

Akiba: A BATTLE OF THE MECHS AND THE MUSTANGS!

Als mustang quickly pulls away and does a handbrake turn and speeds towards Bricks mustang. De La Rocha leans out the car and starts swinging his dreadlocks, only for Sinatra to smash his head with a mic, causing him to fall back unconscious

Brick: DAMMIT! MORELLO! ITS UP TO YOU!

Morello tunes his guitar as Wayne starts firing rapidly at the mustangs engine. The engine starts to smoke and hiss violently, but Morello leans out and plays a few riffs towards Als mustang, causing it to shudder and smoke violently

brick: KEEP PLAYING!

Morello: GET CLOSE!!

Brick handbrakes and speeds towards the mustang, but Al looks up, grinning

Peggy (In crowd) He can’t be think--

Al revs the mustang and he fires towards Bricks

Bud (In crowd) Mom, you forget..Dads an idiot.

Kelly (In crowd) Maybe one of these days he won’t be so sushicidal..

Bud and Peggy look at Kelly. The 2 mustangs, however, collide violently. The crowd winces in pain as Bricks mustang smashes off the side of Als and rolls across the mud, hitting several bumps and falling apart before smashing into the side of the cageand falling into a surrender zone on its roof. At the same time, Als mustang skids feebly to a halt on its side to the border of the surrender zone

Akiba: AND CAR 71...

The mustang slowly rolls back onto its wheels outside the surrender zone

Akiba: HAS WON!!!!

Several fans bellow out and scale the cage. Al opens the door and raises his arms, making the motion of a touchdown

Crowd: BUNDY! BUNDY! BUNDY!

Snake and Ocelot keep fighting, having technically been eliminated since stepping out of the cockpit. Snake hits Ocelot with a DDT and pins him. Akiba slaps his mic to a 3 count for fun

Akiba: And, in other results, Snake pins Ocelot following a DDT!

Snake raises his arms and kicks Ocelot before sliding down REX and heading through the gathering crowd, to the locker-room. Phil, Steve and Cutler slowly emerge from the burning van

Steve: We win?

Cutler: Sadly..no

Phil: Hey, you smell barbecue?

He looks down at his foot and screams, running around only for Cutler to hold him down, stomping his foot and putting the fire out. Wolf and Tavi, hand in hand, walk over and look down at the smoking Phil

Wolf: Wellllllll...Philly..

Phil coughs out a cloud of smoke

Tavi: Looks like you have..hmm..ZERO women now!!

Phil smirks and flips the bird at her.

Wolf: Phil..honestly..how does it feel?

Phil: Fuck off. I’m....free.

Frank stumbles out of the locker-room, grinning and laying on Phil

Frank: PHIL ISH FREE!!! FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, Kurt Angle and Jeff Jarrett climb out of their flaming wreckage and look at the crowd holding up Al Bundy on their shoulders

Samoa Joe: Wellllllllll I suppose he deserves it..BUT NEXT TIME!

Sabin rushes out and grabs one of Drebins legs, taking an anklet from it and sniggering before running back in

Akiba: And we bid you, the fans of this first Metal Gear Mercenary And Company Destruction Derby a hearty farewell!

Jonathon kicks open the door and points at Akiba

Jonathon: YOU COWARD! WE COULDA WON!


Ed walks in and they both grab Akiba, who screams as they drag him out and the screen fades to black

Cast of Cars and Participants:

Car 41
(That Hispanic Guy
That Random Guy
Johan
Big Bad Bobby)
Car 18
(Frank
Dick Head
Sal
Vince)
Car OMEGA
(Al Murray
Johnny Cash)
Car 50150
(Chuck Norris
Brick
Zack De La Rocha
Tom Morello)
Car Gekkou
(Liquid Ocelot)
Car Motorcycle
(Alex SHelley
Chris Sabin
Drebin)
Car 66
(Steve
Jay Cutler
Phil)
Car 666
(Samoa Joe
AJ Styles
Kurt Angle
Jeff Jarrett)
Car Hotdiggidydog
(Jon
Karab
Dean)
Car 71
(Al Bundy
Frank Sinatra
Dean Martin
Sammy Davis Jr.
John Wayne)
Car 555-666-777
(Obese Maurice
Moe The Midget
MC Hammer)
Car Wolf
(Crying Wolf
Tavi)
Car Raven
(Raging Raven
Bill
That Other Random Guy)
Car Extreme
(Jonathon
Ed
Lemmy
Jimmy)
Car Spider
(Ken Shamrock
Chuck Liddell
Randy Couture
Michael Bisping
Rashad Evans)
Car FINGUNNAWIN
(Outer Haven Troops)
Car 911
(Will
Billy)
Car REX
(Old Snake)

Elimination Order:

Car FINGUNNAWIN (Driver skewered by Steve of Car 66 and crushed under the wheels of Car 66)
=
Car Octopus (Chuck Norris of Car 5150 detached her mask, causing her to see Bob and become normal again. Despite technical self-surrender, Car 5150 gets the elimination)
=
Car HOTDIGGIDYDOG (Car 555-666-777 bounced into it and caused it to fall to its side before Car 66 smashes into it and sent it into a surrender zone)
=
Car Raven (Johan of Car 41 hit a straight headbutt downwards to it, sending Raven skidding into a surrender zone, after the lowrider was jettisoned into the air when Big Bad Bobby pushed them up after being pushed over by Car 666)
=
Car REX (Technical self-surrender after Snake exited the cockpit to fight Liquid Ocelot)
=
Car Gekkou (Technical self-surrender after Ocelot exited the cockpit to fight Solid Snake)
=
Car 911 (Fired a shell, but was kicked away by Samoa Joe of Car 666, causing it to hit the tank and explode, sending it backwards into a surrender zone)
=
Car Extreme (Engine stopped by Johnny Cash of Car OMEGA, then smashed into the locker-rooms by Car Wolf)
=
Car 555-666-777 (Blown away by the dreadlocks of Zack De La Rocha (The so-called Rocha Whirlwind) of Car 5150)
=
Car Motorcycle (Car 18 split open Shelleys sidecar. As Shelley grabbed onto Drebin for safety, Vince of Car 18 flung a wrench, hitting the tires and causing the motorcycle to flip and spin into a surrender zone)
=
Car 18 (Self-surrender after smashing into the side of the spider. Credited with elimination due to the fact Car 18s final attack also eliminated the spider)
=
Car Spider (Legs were taken off by multiple cars before being smashed into the surrender zone by Car 18. Only Car 18 credited with elimination)
=
Car 41 (After throwing Tavi into Car 41, That Hispanic Guy lost steering control. Steve of Car 66 then lanced the lowriders trunk and sent it into the wall and, ultimately, a surrender zone)
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Car Wolf (Technical self-surrender. Crying Wolf rushed over to check on Tavi who had been part of Car 41s wreckage, meaning both team members were technically eliminated)
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Car OMEGA (Car 71 pulled out as it sped towards a wall, causing Car OMEGA to hit the wall instead. After reversing at a 90 degree angle straight after, Car 71 then reversed Car OMEGA into a surrender zone)
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Car 666 (As it attempted to eliminate Car 71, Car 66 hi it head on and sent both wreckages into a surrender zone)
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Car 66 (Self-surrender. Kamikazed Car 666 into a surrender zone with itself)
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Car 50150 (Both Car 50150 and Car 71 smashed eachother head on. Car 50150 rolled across the dirt from impacts velocity and smashed into the surrender zone)
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WINNER

Car 71
(Al Bundy
John Wayne
Frank Sinatra
Sammy Davis Jr.
Dean Martin)

Elimination Winner
Car 666
(Steve
Jay Cutler
Phil)

Most Original Car
Car 555-666-777 (Zorb)
(Obese Maurice
Moe The Midget
MC Hammer)

The One Everyone Loved To Hate
Car 911
(Will
Billy)

Most Damaging
Car Spider
(Chuck Liddell
Ken Shamrock
Randy Couture
Rashad Evans
Michael Bisping)


Fighting Spirit Award
Car HOTDIGGIDYDOG
(Jon
Karab
Dean)