Saturday, 18 October 2008

The Steve and Phil Show

As you know, our mercenaries are human. Well, they certainly have the brains of dumb ones. But they need rest and to eat..So how do they do this? Well, if you're a retard, you won't know how, but it's time to take a look into 2 of the more..'special' mercenaries


It was still complete and utter darkness inside the house. Outside, dawn had only just broke. It was 5am, and the mercenaries were naturally asleep....well, comatosed..after their ultimate showdown. In this house lay the odd couple. In one bed lay Phil, covered in blankets with the mattress missing chunks, while Steve lay neatly in his bed with a smile on his face. The sound of a doorbell caused Phil to fall off the bed and smash his face on the floor


Steve opens an eye

Steve: Morning world! Wakey Wakey eggs and bakey!

Phil; I wish..I could murder some eggs..

Steve throws the covers off himself and pulls out a trident

Phil: Figure of speech, Steve!

Steve gets up in his striped PJs and walks through the hanging beads and into the kitchen, Phil pulls out a towel rack from behind the door and opens it wearing just his window

Phil: Hell--Oh, come on! It's 5am!!

Bob: I's just--

Phil: Looking pretty shifty, Bob ol' chap? What's wrong?

Bob: I...I...

Phil: Speak, fool! SPEAK!

Steve pulls a drum from nowhere and does a drum roll.

Bob: I got Laughing Octopus pregnant!!


Phil and Steve laugh loudly, rolling on the floor. That Hispanic Guy, who was walking his chihuahua, is pounding the floor in laughter. Somewhere in the distance, Frank just spit out his cornflakes and bourbon for breakfast. Liquid Ocelot and the Outer Haven soldiers stop in their tracks


Phil: No shit?!

Bob: I..really love her..

Phil: Yeah, and I love that door

Steve: I love carpet!


Steve: I love vase!

Phil: Steve, will you stop saying you love random things?

Steve: I love lamp..

Phil: Really?

Steve: I really love the lamp..


Phil: Well..see ya

Phil slams the door shut and the doorbell rings again. He answers.

Phil: Yeah? Ah.. what do you want?!

Bob: Comforting? Financial help?

Phil: Bob..buddy..Steve and I can barely buy our weapons and food, do you honestly think we'll support your baby?

Bob: Well..

Steve: Look, it's not that we won't, but we can't..all we have to drink lately is iced ketchup

Bob: Well---UHHHH!!!! Iced Ketchup?!!!

Phil: I find it tastes quite nice after you've stopped crying and screaming and drank two bottles

Bob: guys NEED money

Phil: One visit to the pawn shop and we will!

Bob: Pawn shop?

Phil holds up a pocket watch

Phil: Got it off the body of an Outer Haven soldier, but Steve really hit the jackpot!

Steve pulls out a priceless china vase

Bob: Where the fuck did you get that?

Steve: I just found it on a body!

Bob: What was a body doing with a china vase?

Phil: We don't know.......well, goodbye

He slams the door shut and the bell rings again. When the door opens, Phil pulls out a towel rack and points it at Bob

Phil: I need breakfast, dammit!

Bob: I know..just, guys, can you gimme some money when you get some?

Phil: OK! Now go away!

Bob walks away and That Hispanic Guy is back on his feet

That Hispanic Guy: He really got that psycho pregnant,ese?

Phil: Yeah, that is gonna be a really whacked kid!

Phil shuts the door and Steve hands him a cup of coffee. He quickly pulls on a white dressing gown

Phil: So..whats today about?

Steve pulls out a notepad

Steve:A documentary on us, apparently

Phil: A documentary? Why?

Steve: It’s going around..

Phil: The plague went around too, we gonna get that too?

Steve: Should we just kill him and avoid it? or would that be cheating?

Phil: Possibly cheating, but good idea

Steve: :)

The doorbell rings again and Phil hits the table with the flats of his fists

Phil: Goddamn!!

He gets up and answers the door. He looks around. No-one. Suspense music plays.

Steve: Phil!! Look out!!

Phil: It’;s just a cold-caller Steve! Nothing I can’t handle without my trusty towel rack!


Phil looks over his shoulder at Steve tiptoeing and looking over Phils shoulder

Phil: And?

Phil looks around and watches as a brazilian-looking buxom black-haired woman makes her way up the steps

Phil: You got the wrong house, the studs just left

Babe: Oh no..I got the right house..

Steve: I'm scared!

Phil quickly slams the door shut and bolts the locks

Phil: What the fuck--

Steve: You don't think it's--

Phil: AW HELL NAW!!!

The door starts rattling. Phil backs away and picks up his towel rack as he hears an unearthly howl rattle the windows


The door flies open and Phil stands on his tiptoes, noticing the shell of Crying Wolf at the bottom of the street

Phil: Ah..fuck no...

Crying Wolf: Missed me?

Phil: With every bullet so far..

Crying Wolf: Thats mean..ya know..Occys pregant..

Steve and Phil: We know

Phil: Don't you even get any ideas you crazy woman!

She advances forward and Phil takes a step forward, brandishing the towel rack

Phil: This is private property, and I demand you leave thi--

She grabs the towel rack and throws it into the corner

Phil: Scrap that, then

Phil steps backwards as she advances forwards. He grabs a piece of toast and brandishes it like a sword

Phil: Enguarde!

Wolf: :

Steve: That’s shit Phil! Use the forks!

Phil: The force?


Phil: The forks! Ok!

Phil drops the piece of toast and grabs a fork, only for Wolf to grab it and bend it with amazing strength

Phil: The forks are useless Steve! I’ve got a better plan!

Phil grabs a chair and throws it at Wolf, who simply sidesteps

Steve: Don’t wreck the flat Phil!

Phil: Plan D then., Steve?

Steve: Bye, Phil

Phil: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Steve: C''re acting like she's not hot!

Phil: Weeehhhh...but goddamn you keep harassing me!!

Crying Wolf: C'mon!!

Phil: I refuse, you will take me dead or alive

Crying Wolf: I'll just have my way with your co--

Phil: Goddamn! Alright!

He sighs and walks through the beads, slamming a door behind it. Wolf walks forward, opens the door and shuts it behind her

Wolf: Stay still, Phil!

Phil: Keep back! KEEP BACK!

Wolf: But you consented!!

Phil: I consent to nothing but death, and you don’t have the robe! Keep back vile demon!

Wolf: Know what style I like?

Phil: Stay back! OH GOD NOOOO!!!

We hear the sound of a towel rack being swung wildly until it clatters, we then hear screams, and then silence, and then female moans mixed with male screams

Steve (To camera): Well, this isn't a typical day for Phil, and it's unfortunate he's getting sexed to death, but you should know more about me..I'm Steve! I like walks in the park and Ice Cream! I like Jazz and Blues, and have an IQ of 170! My role in the mercenaries is the tech guy, or, in other words, the comic relief!

The moans turn into long, extended groans, while the screams have stopped

Steve: I believe he is now unconscious..Anyway, let's leave them to it and go down to the pawn shop when they're done!

-2 hours later-

Steve walks out of the bathroom adjusting his sweater as Phil slowly cralws out of the bedroom

Phil: I...can

He collapses to the floor

Steve: Poor bastard..

A half-naked Crying Wolf walks out, grabbing Phils foot and dragging him back

Steve: Go easy, will ya?!

It takes 5 minutes to hear the sound of snores, and Steve sighs

-2 hours later-

Crying Wolf: Let's go to the pawn shop together!!

Phil: ....No

Steve: Why? We can be pawn buddies!

Wolf grins

Phil: He said Pawn..P-A-W-N

Wolf: Still...

Phil: can taste blood, everytime I move my hip bones go the opposite way of my spine, I can literally feel my spine jam into my throat if I cough!

Wolf: Was I too rough?

Phil: Too rough? Going 30 rounds with Mike 'Ear-biter' Tyson would be easier than 2 hours in bed with you!

Wolf: Don't act like you didn't enjoy it..

Phil: This isn't acting, Remember when I started screaming? I wasn't about to achieve orgasm, no, you're hands had found my throat, dammit! I was screaming for air!

Wolf: Well.....I enoyed it!

Phil stands up and slings a duffel bag over his shoulders, Steve follows and Wolf standfs up

Steve: Go in your mech suit so we can get an easy ride and we'll let you stay with us!

Phil: really are mentally insane, aren't you?

Wolf: Deal!

Phil simply shrugs

Phil: I was born..then I joined the corps..then I lived with Steve..then I fought with the corps..then along came Crying Wolf.....The end

Wolf: That's not nice--

Phil: Well, I welcome death now!!

Phil walks out and Steve pats her shoulder

Steve: He's just an awkward person, i'm sure you'll tame him one day!

Phil: NO WAY!!

-Pawn Shop-

The crowd was wild. The idea of looting bodies of comrades and enemies had spread as Steve and Phil joined the hustle of Samoe Joe, Tom Morello, Jeff Jarrett, A Random Guy, Screaming Mantis, Frank, Dean, Vamp and Solid Snake. Drebin stood behind the counter, examining a rat Dean had brought in

Drebin: Fuck you!!

Dean: I'm not lying! It's a mink! Look at that pelt!

Drebin: Look at that door and get the fuck out!

Dean strides through the crowd, cursing at Drebin and exits as Vamp walks forward, clutching an ivory false leg

Vamp: I got thiiiisss from a body of a soldier...hooww much?...

Drebin: Ahh..Vintage piece, real ivory!!

He hands a wad of cash to Vamp and Vamp wanders off, grinning psychotically. Tom Morello walks forward clutching a bunch of dreadlocks

Drebin: Tom..whats this?

Morello: Zacks old dreadlocks! Vintage collectables! Worth up to 30p in the future!

Drebin: Morello, I like Rage as much as the next guy, but if you admit it being only worth 30p, I AIN’T BUYING YOU COCK! NOW GET OUT!

Morello: Make me!

Drebin brandishes a feather duster and Morello screams, running away. Phil quickly barges in and places a pocket watch on the counter

Drebin: Whats this?

Phil: A sterling silver pocket watch!

Drebin hands over a small amount of cash, but Phil places several gold teeth on the counter

Drebin: . . .What the FUCK?!

Phil: Hey, it got violent out there!

Drebin rolls his eyes and hands Phila giant wad of cash. He kaughs psychotically in victory and runs out holding the wad

Phil: C'mon Wolfy! I'll buy you a drink!!

Wolf: REALLY?!

Phil: YEAH!! One for you, Five for me!!!

Wolf: LET'S GO!!

She links an arm with his and they run off to the Lamb and Flag


Phil sits in front of the bar, clutching a bottle of tequila. Someone taps him on the shoulder and he turns the camera

Phil: Hi! My names Phil! As you can tell I'm the most psychotically deluded of the group, especially when you have a sexual predator in the shape of a mechanical wolf or a brazilian babe. I rarely see a doctor, but if I do, he will comment on how amazing it is that i'm even standing. As you can tell, I'm the one most likely to get injured or caught in a net, and I like alcohol. Again, i'm psychotically deluded, so I deserve the odd drink.

He stands up and walks over to a table where Crying Wolf and Steve. It should be noted how ironic it is that Crying Wolf actually smiles when Phil sits down. The camera zoomes over to Crying Wolf

Crying Wolf: Hello! I'm one of the Beauty And The Beast Unit! As you can tell, i'm having a day off with the unit! The reason I cry is something I will not disclose. But, whenever i'm around the mercenaries..I feel so happy...especially a special one..

She gives a woozy smile and Phil points at Steve, but she runs over and hugs Phil


Phil: ...Somebody help...

She hugs him closer, and Steve laughs. The bar turns silent and watches

That Hispanic Guy: Hey? You may want to squeeze him so much compadre, he's turning the wrong color!!

Phil starts to turn blue before Crying Wolf lets go, giggling lovingly

Crying Wolf: I sorry..

Phil collapses and smashes his head off the table before lying on the floor hugging his tequila

Steve: He always does that, just leave him


As the night grows in, and Dick throws them out of the pub. Phil, Steve and Wolf walk outside into the utter darkness

Phil: Y'know, they should really invest in some street lights

Steve: They did, but they got stomped by Gekkos, remember? We teased them by dangling a piece of steak on a fishing rod and they got angry!

Phil: Yeah...great days!

He puts his arm around Steve and they walk forward a few steps before falling off the curb.
They hear stomping and a mooing sound

Steve: What in the blue fuck?

That Hispanic Guy: GEKKOS!!!

A Random Guy: THEY'RE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A pair of spotlight light the road and they start criss-crossing across the sands

Steve: LIGHT!

The spotlights shoot towards them, but Phil pulls both of them back

Phil: Ok, we're really fucked now

Steve: All we do is run!

Phil; Good idea Steve, but our house is a few thousands yards down BEHIND the Gekkos!!!

Crying Wolf: I'm scared...Hold me, Phil!

They take a few step backwards and feel themselves squish into part of a huddle

That Hispanic Guy: My God, what are they looking for?

Samoa Joe: Me..

AJ Styles: I doubt that, Joe.

Phil picks up a bottle of beer and he hurls it into the spotlight. The Gekko bends down to examine the bottle

Gekko: Oooooooooo

All: o__O;;;

Shelley: Well, he likes his least...

Sabin: I just don’t understand why it hasn’t shot us, Shelley

Dave: How about you both shut up before it does?!

Phil (quietly) Wolfy?

Wolf: Yeah?

Phil: Where's your suit? home..


A Random Guy: You may have just doomed us all

Wolf: Well, not intentionally!

Phil walks forward into the Gekkos spotlight

Phil: YA GOT ME!!! NOW WHAT??!!!

The Gekko moos loudly and goes to stomp him, but he sidesteps

Phil: Now i'm here!

The Gekko goes to stomp him, but he sidesteps again

Phil: Now i'm here!

The second Gekko rugby kicks him and he flies backwards into the top floor of the bar

Wolf: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Phil: I....deserved that one...

Steve: PHIL?! ARE YOU OK?!

Phil: morons! You wanna be stomped? Gah..I can taste my liver..Everythings going black..

Wolf starts wailing loudly and the spotlight shines on the group

Samoa Joe: Fuck hiding, let's fight!

The group runs forward. A Gekko runs forward but That Hispanic Guy pulls out his bullwhip and snaps it at the Gekko, wrapping the whip around its legs and causing it to the trip onto its face. Samoa Joe climbs onto the fallen Gekkos back and locks in his Coquina Clutch

Samoa Joe: TAP BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!

Dave runs up to a Gekkou, pulling a Minigun from nowhere


He fires it at the Gekkous legs and it slowly starts grinding down. It gives an alarmed "Moo" and falls backwards, only to have Shelley and Sabin start tearing it

Shelley: Even Gekkos can’t stand up to our money wanting needs, eh Sabin?

Sabin: I SPY A RADOME!!!

Shelley: RADOME!!!!

The Gekko that Joe has finally taps, but Joe rips its head off. A Random Guy runs up to the second Gekko and kicks it in the shin


The Gekko simply punts him into the far off distance, but Steve pulls a hand grenade out of nowhere and throws it at the Gekkos feet, causing it's legs to explode. Wolf runs forward and starts to slash wildly at the Gekkos head with her hands, eventually ripping its head off, all the while wailing loudly. She keeps on kicking and slashing at its fallen body. That Hispanic Guy slowly steps back

That Hispanic Guy: Phil?!


Phil: WHAT?!

That Hispanic Guy: Wolfs gone psycho!


Phil: Let her! Just means there'll be less chance of a sexual attack for me tonight!

Wolf keeps slashing at the corpse, and Phil slowly stands up in the top floor before falling out of the window and landing on the awning..well, through the awning and into the plants

Phil: I...think my hearts now where my spine used to be...

Steve slowly steps away from Wolf

Steve: Wolfy?

She gets on all fours and howls. Steves jaw drops and he runs over to Phil

Steve: She scares me!!

Phil stands up and motions for the others to start moving.

Phil: My ribs have become part of my lungs, but that shouldn't bother you all!

He slowly stumbles forward and grabs Wolfs arm

Phil: Can you stop? You're really embarassing us

Steve looks around shifty-eyed as the leavers glare at him. Wolf hugs Phil so tightly 3 pops are heard

Phil: ...Owww.....

Wolf: Sorry..sorry..

Wolf puts one of Phils arms around her shoulder and smiles

Wolf: Love joo..

Phil: No peace, no sleep, no money have I not..

Steve puts the other arm around his shoulders

Steve: We love you!

Phil: Don't fucking push it..

They walk off into the distance as the camera starts to fade, but it opens again as we see Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin throw a net over Phil and start dragging him off


Shelley: Hey Sabin, I wonder how much Drebin would give us for him?

Sabin: Enough for a new TV!

Phil: LEMME GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The screen fades.


  1. Dude love your story it's crazy and funny best combo ever hope to read more.