Friday, 24 October 2008

The Frank, Bob, Dave And Will Show

After last times hullapalooza that was our character specials, Phil ended up needing surgery, Steve was scared, Wolf went psycho, That Hispanic Guy took down a Gekko and Samoa Joe had a cameo appearance. We shift from two of the more 'special' mercenaries to four of the more unluckier and psychotic. Frank has bourbon on his cornflakes, Bobs got a psychotic woman who thinks she's an octopus pregnant, Will thinks he's gods gift to women, and Dave would rather killa person than ask questions.

Well..this should be fun


As day broke, so did another part of purity in the world as our mercenaries followed. Bob yawned and rolled out of bed, pulling on a dressing gown and walking into the main roonm. He watched, dumbstruck as Frank lay on the couch, slurring his words at the TV

Frank :Fuchking cahntdown..fuhcking bahstahrds..

Bob: Frank..Goddammit!

Frank looks at him with bloodshot eyes and hiccups

Frank: Bob..yah used tah be fahn..what hahpened?

Bob: I got a life, a spine and a girlfriend

Frank snorts as Dave walks out wearing a bulletproof vest with an M4 strapped to his back. He looks over the couch at Frank

Dave: Morning..I see sleeping beauties turned into the ugly stepsister

Bob: Didn’t exactly take much.

Frank: Fahck yah!

Dave: You're fucked, look at you! Eat some cornflakes!

Frank: Ah have!

He points to an empty bowl of bourbon and cornflake scraps

Dave: You do realize normal people use milk, you retard?

Will walks out, wearing a pale blue suit and white shirt with a red tie and sunglasses

Will: Morning all..Looking ugly as always..Frank, my God, you push the boundaries of ugly! You are ugly with a capital UG!

Bob: Leave it..

Laughing Octopus strolls out of Bobs room yawning. She glances at Frank and rolls her eyes

Laughing Octopus: He has to go..He can't live with our child..

Will: With pleasure!

Will grabs Franks legs and hoists him up as Dave takes his arms. They carry him sideways towards the window and start swinging him

Dave and Will: 1...2...3--

Bob: No!

They sigh and drop him to the floor

Bob: He NEEDS to quit his alcohol addiction!

He watches as Frank stops picking up a bottle of bourbon

Dave: Where the hell did he get that?

Will: See? He’s so addicted it simply appears in his presence!!

Frank: Hey, I can quit ANYTIME I want!

Bob: Then quit now

Frank puts the bottle of bourbon down and holds up his hands

Bob: Goood..

He leans down, picks up the bottle with his mouth and leans his head back, swallowing gulps at a time

Bob: Frank..what are we gonna do with you?

Dave: Add a slice of lime to him? Give him some ice? Pour him into alcoholics anonymous?

Will: I like that last one. They'll sniff him and get drunk!

Bob: Look, I think we all know Frank has a drinking problem..

Dave: Problem? He fucking enjoys it, look at him!

Franks tongue lolls out of his mouth and he laughs in his sleep

Will: Why do I have to be punished?

Octopus: We just need to help him..he could be dangerous to our kid..

Will: He's also dangerous to bars, I heard he put one out of business in one sitting

Dave: I also heard Jack Daniels check their insurance policy when Frank visits Tennessee!

Bob: serious..Frank needs help..Why does he drink anyway?

Will: Early trauma when he first joined the mercenaries.

Bob: ...Really?

Will: No, I just love making excuses. later.

Will leaves and slams the door behind him. Dave shrugs and goes towards the door

Bob: Dave..try and find him help..

Dave looks down at Frank

Dave: I don't think the Samaritans do miracles

He leaves and Bob sighs


Dave walked into a long target range in the middle of an abandoned building occupied by AJ Styles, That Other Random Guy and Johnny Cash practicing their shooting. Dave pulled out a .45 from his own personalized locker and started to shoot at the target, hitting the dead centre 10 times. The camera shook slightly and Dave looked at it

Dave: hi! Names Dave! I love to shoot, to kill, to do anything that the mercenaries would call collateral damage! My favourite sound is gunshots, and I love the smell of gunpowder and napalm in the morning!

Cameraman: Que?

Dave: You know..Gunpowder?

Cameraman: Que?

Dave twitches and points the gun at the camera

Dave: Speak English!!

Cameraman: Wha--

Dave: What did you say?!!!??!!

Cameraaman: What the--


Cameraman: I’m sorry! DON’T SHOOT ME!

Dave drops the firearm to his side, realizing he can’t shoot without provacation

Dave: anything good lately?

Cameraman: Well..I think--


Cameraman: But--

Dave pulls the trigger and the camera smashes and falls. He holsters his gun and drops a coin in a pool of blood spreading in front of the camera

Dave: Get yourself a blood transfusion....and a new eye

Dave shudders and we hear a thud as he kicks the body and leaves

Back to Will. He walked into the bar wearing his white suit and maroon shirt. He slapped the bar and Dick the barkeep walked over

Dick: What'll it be, dick?

Will: Hey! You're dick! And i'll have a pint of Carlsberg you bastard!

Dick slams the pint onto the bar and Will grabs it and throws the money at him. Behind Will, Phil was sitting with Wolf, his eyes glazed over in a comatose expression as she talked

Will: Hey, Phil, you ok back there?

Wolf waves energetically at him, but Phil simply sits there comatosed

Will: Phil?

Wolf leans over and french kisses him wildly, he waves his arm wildly and his eyes shoot open in a frantic expression, pushing her off

Phil: What'dya do that for??!!!

Wolf: Fun!

She stuck her tongue out and Will grinned and walked away

Will: If I were Phil, i'd get stuck in it with Wolfy..She's a catch, plus! The rest of the Unit won't kill us! Too bad he's always acting suicidal near her..Iiii'd say it was a crush thing, but that glazed expression he gets tells me he just isn't interested. Who knows?

Will watches as Wolf walks over and sits on Phils lap

Wolf: come you never take me out on a date?

Phil: Because you have tried to kill me before?

Wolf: That was ages ago!

Phil: And why should I? Are we really boy and girlfriend?

Wolf: I thought we were..

Phil: Wolf- You border on stalker with me

She pouts and looks down, starting to tremble

Phil: Oh..Wolf..don't..

She keeps trembling, tears leaking out of her eyes. Phil growls and sighs and leans forward, pressing his lips against hers. She stops trembling and her eyes widen.

Phils brain: Don't keep it locked for too long. She'll expect things.

He breaks it instantly and Wolf faints. Phil smirks and drains her pint

Phil: SKOL!

Will: You see, i'd never treat a woman like that..I am a man, A really handsome man..Every woman comes on their knees to me, and I never reject them, because I am Will, and I am every womans dream!

An incredibly buxom blonde wearing a short skirt wanders over

Blonde: Hey..can I have your number?

Will: Why wait?

He extends an arm and she links it with his as they walk out the bar. Frank walks in and looks at the camera

Frank: Umm...hey..


Cameraman: You're supposed to tell us about yourself..

Frabk: names Frank..


Frabk: I enjoy the odd drink of alcohol

Dick: Yeah, every 1st, 3rd, 5th, 7th, 9th and 11th pint is his favourite!

The bar explodes in laughter as Frank hands in his money

Frank: Gimme a pint of Worthingtons you bastard!

Dick puts the pint down and Frabk grabs it, half-draining it in one gulp

Frank: I'm so popular in this bar, that Worthingtons regularly sends me Birthday and Christmas cards. That Hispanic Guy, who literally lives in the hotel rooms on the top floor, is on first names basis with me!

That Hispanic Guy walks down wearing a blue dressing gown

That Hispanic Guy: Hola Frank!

Frank: Hola *BEEP*

That Hispanic Guy grabs a bottle of Magners Cider and sits at the bar. Frank sits next to him

Frank: The bar does get pretty rowdy at times, but we all have a laugh anyway..It's the Lamb and Flag!

Frank drains the rest of his pint and hi-5s That Hispanic Guy

Frank: Keep 'em coming, Dick!


As night falls, Frank stumbles out into the street. He walks to the left slightly and looks up

Frank: The Half Moon..Ahh..

He watches as Screaming Mantis runs by carrying a whip while chasing after a female FROG soldier. Frank shakes his head, he watches as Bob and Laughing Octopus stroll towards the Half Moon. Bob glances at Frank and rushes over to stop him falling down

Bob: Goddamn Frank..

Frank: Just..11 pints...Nothing..

Bob: Nothing for gotta get you home..

Will walks over wearing only heart boxers and white leather shoes and picks up Frank

Will: I'll take care of him..we're taking a break!

Will sniggers and holds up an empty pill packet

Will: I'm a-gonna last all night!

He hauls up Frank and drags him away. Bob sighs and Laughing Octopus kisses his cheek

Laughing Octopus: Don't worry,'re trying to be the voice of insensibility in an unsensible world

As she finishes, Raging Raven runs down the road in her human form chasing after A Random Guy who is only in his boxers. After that, A Gekko stumbles down the road with Steve on top

Steve: I'm riding a killer tractor!

Bob: ._.

As they vanish, Raging Raven in her human form, but wearing her wings, swoops down and picks up That Hispanic Guy, taking him up

That Hispanic Guy: Comos deas, BITCHESSSSS!!!!!!!

Both: ._.;;

They watch as Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin gallop down the road on their horses, carting Dean behind them in their net while wearing balaclavas. They are followed by Slash who rides his guitar straight towards them as Tom Morello runs down playing 'The Devil Went Down To Georgia'. It finally stops after AJ Styles is seen running down the road naked and screaming being chased by 2 female FROGs with whips

Bob: Sweet jesus..

They watch in amazement as That Other Random Guy runs in front of them carrying a bottle of tequila, followed by Samoa Joe holding 2 limes

Laughing Octopus: Should we just go inside?

Bob: Yeah, I think we should

They walk into the Half Moon and notice the 2nd cameraman. Laughing Octopus sits at a table and Bob faces the camera

Bob: Hi..I'm you can tell, i'm one of the most tired and sensible of the group..I also seem to be the unluckiest. At least I won't be dying anytime soon, eh?

The cameraman shakes his head

Bob: Oh well..When in Rome!

Bob grabs 2 pints of beer and carries them over to Laughing Octopus, who glances at the camera
Laughing Octopus: Ok, my names Laughing Octopus. No, i'm not telling you my real name, you will never know why I laugh, nor will you get anything else out of me..Meh Bobbys the only one who'll know..

A retching sound is heard from behind the cameraman. Laughing Octopus growls and slaps the camera, which falls down and makes the screen crack

That Hispanic Guy: DAYUM!


As the night grows on, Bob and Laughing Octopus remain in the Half Moon, as it grows on, they hear yells outside. Bob watches as Phil is thrown through the nearest window tied to Chris Sabin

Bob: What the fuck?!

The bar watches as Samoa Joe, Alex Shelley, AJ Styles and That Other Random Guy are hurled through the door, breaking it into pieces

That Hispanic Guy: COMOS DIAS?!

The bar keeps watching as the ceiling cracks and Kurt Angle falls through it and through a table

Al The Bartender: Ok..what is going on in my pub?!

They watch as Zack De La Rocha, tied to Tom Morello is thrown through the window and lands on Phil and Sabin

Laughing Octopus: WHAT THE?!!!

Frank stumbles through the door


Phil opens an eye and struggles

Phil: Sabin! Morello! Rocha! Get the fuck off of me!!!

Bob runs over and unties them

Bob: What the hell happened?

Sabin: Shelley dared us to dance in front of a Gekko tied to eachother. We may both be £20 richer, but it kicked us! And we pissed it off!

The bar watches as A Random Guy is sent hurtling through a wall

A Random Guy: I can taste my spleen!

They hear the sound of guitar riffs and moos in the distance. Unfortunately, they watch as one of the Gekkos leans down and looks into the pub

That Hispanic Guy: Ah monkey balls

Bob: Occy..start running

Octopus: When?

Bob: ....Now

The whole bar screams and charges outside. Bob leads Octopus underneath the Gekkos legs and they hurtle towards their house. They watch as Phil stands up to the Gekko, as well as That Hispanic Guy, Kurt Angle and Slash

Phil: You wanna fuck with us?!

The Gekko goes to kick them, but That Hispanic Guy pulls out his whip and catches the leg, tripping the Gekko, Phil grabs a bottle and smashes it over the Gekkos radar


That Hispanic Guy: Calm! The bottles are empty!

Frank: ...Continue then!

Kurt Angle turns over the Gekko and locks it an Ankle Lock while Slash hops onto its head and plays his guitar. The tunes are so powerful that the Gekko vibrates and sets on fire internally. Slash starts hitting the Gekkos head with his guitar and Phil hops on top of the Gekko

Phil: This calls for a celebration!

Bob winces as a 2nd Gekko wanders over and punts him like a rugby ball into the top floor of the Half Moon. Dean wanders by holding up a sign reading 'OUCH'. Wolf quickly runs to the top



Phil: ..................Ow..

Wolf: Babe...Why did you take that bet? WHY?!

Phil: Could it be the fact you pounced on me and yelled surprise, ony to let go when Shelley and Sabin knocked on the door so I decided to pay them back?!

Wolf: Phil.......

Phil: What?

Wolf: You're bleeding real bad....

Phil: That’;s nothing, I now have 20 ribs too!

Wolf: Let me help..

Phil: I choose death!

Wolf sighs and sits beside him

Wolf: Asshole

Phil: Bitch

They watch as Steve runs into the top floor of the Half Moon

Phil: I think it’s time to unleash our super weapon..

They watch as Dave walks in with a huge flamethrower, cackling maniacally as it lights up the street and several Gekkos

Phil: Umm....anyway.

Phil pulls out a can of Red Bull and hands it to Steve

Phil: Drink it and you shall be immortal..


Phil: PUT IT ON MY TAB YA STINGY GIT!! Anyway, Steve.....ah, fuck the Churchill speech. Drink up!

Steve cracks the tab and downs the whole can in one. He drops it and his entire body starts twitching violently, his legs becoming nothing more than a blur


Meanwhile, back in the streets, The 2nd Gekko moos, but That Random Guy trips it up and makes it fall down


1969 plays as the Motor City Machineguns re-appear and start stomping the hell out of the Gekko. Samoa Joe walks out of the bar and hops onto the Gekkos back before choking it

Samoa Joe: TAP BITCH!!!!!!!

Bob and Octopus quickly backtrack near an alley

Bob: Down, babe..

Octopus: I can fend for myself..

She pulls her tentacle headset out from her backpack and pulls it on over her mask. She starts cackling wildly and slithers towards a 3rd Gekko. Dave drops his flamethrower and jumps on the 2nd Gekko, unloading a round of M4 bullets into its back

Dave: FUCKING EAT IT!!!!!!!

The Gekko moos loudly as Octopus gets onto her tentacles and laughs loudly. Dave stumbles back and starts shooting another clip at Octopus



Dave stops shooting

Dave: .....Oh

He pulls out another clip, loads it and starts shooting at the Gekko which simply rebounds the bullets. The Gekok wanders over and kicks the gun out of daves hands before kicking him down and starting to kick him


Laughing octopus cackled wildly as she wraped her tentacles around the Gekkos body


Steve shoots down from the top floor and lands on top of the Gekko. In less than a split second, it is nothing more than a dustbin. He puts it on his hand and starts dancing

Phil: NO! STEVE! Ahh..we lost him!

They watch as Steve runs down the street at Mach 3 speeds doing the Macarena

Phil: Only one thing left..

Wolf: And that would be, dickhead?

Phil stands up on the top floor.


A Random Guy throws him an axe, and Phil catches it, he jumps onto the Gekko and brings it down into the Gekkos head. The Gekko spurts green fluid and Octopus lets go and backtracks into the alley as it collapses

Phil: I'm alive!!!

The Gekko rolls over

Phil: ......................................ow..................

Wolf: PHIL!!! PHIL!!! NOT AGAIN!! PHIL??!!



Phil:....I'm still alive under here...


Phil: Stop it you ninny, ninny of a woman!! Get me out from under here!

Samoa Joe, AJ Styles, Dave, Zack De La Rocha, Chris Sabin, Frank and That Hispanic Guy run over and roll the Gekko off Phil, revealing him imprinted into the ground surrounded by a huge puddle of blood. He looks down at his ribs poking through his chest

Phil: ..Fuck, now I have nothing to wear to the party!

Frank laughs and sits next to Phil. Dick wanders out and hands both of them a bottle of beer, sitting on top of the Gekko

Frank: Did you see that? Phil killed a Gekko!

Dave walks over slowly, his ribs turned to granite

Dave: Yeah! And I shot it and everything!

Samoa Joe and AJ Styles walk towards him and sit behind them

Samoa Joe; Sweet guys..Fucking sweet..

Tom Morello sits beside them. The small group look at him

De La Rocha: And where’d you go Tommy?

Morello points to the fact he is now tuning a steel guitar

Morello: Made it myself..FROM GEKKO!!!!

Silence. Crickets chirping.

De La Rocha: You so insane!!

Will walks out and joins them as Octopus takes off her headset and mask

Octopus: Sorry about that..

Bob: No worries, hun..

They sit in the alley.

Dick: Well, at least everythings ok!

The Gekko belches out green liquid onto a green powerbox, cvausing the street to black out

Steve: Ah nuts

Silence. Steve starts giggling

Steve: Stop! That tickles!

Will: Aw! Fucking sick!

Steve: Who is that?

Frank unpops another bottle of beer as Dick pockets something

Steve: FRANK!!

Frank: ..Oops. My hand slipped.


Phil: Frank, that won't work on me

Frank: Phil, i'm nowhere near you


Phil: Wolf?

Silence. Heavy breathing.

Phil: Wolf, get off me

Will: At least everythings back to normal

Frank: Speak for yourself.

Silence. Sounds of making out and zippers.

Frank: Aw..for the love of God, Bob, in public?!


Wolf: How cute..

Phil: Tomko?

Tomko: No.

Phil: There you go, Wolf.

Wolf: Since when I have asked your permission?

Phil: Since I electrified my back

Group: Your back?

Phil: ...Oh, wait, I’m human too

The sound of crackling and the group illuminated by blue sparks and light as Phil screams. Eventually it stops when Morello rips out the wires. The sound of sizzling. Steve rushes in, scattering leaves and sand everywhere


Steve zips off into the distance

Dave: ...DAMN!

Frank: Never mind that!

Dave fires a few shots into the air


Will pulls out a small bottle of Malibu and clinks it against Franks drink

Will: To us?

Frank reaches into his shoe and pulls out a bottle of Port

Frank: To us!!

Dave: You got that from your shoe?

Frank: Shaddup.

Silence. The sound of something being dragged along the sand.

Frank: Sabin. Shelley.

They both make barking noises

Frank: Stop fucking around, who is it?

Sabin sighs and drops the net as Drebin rolls out to Franks feet

Drebin: They..were gonna..sell me..TO ME!!

Dave: God bless insanity.

Will: I’ll say Davey..I’ll say!