Friday, 31 October 2008

Metal Gear Mercenaries - Halloween Hijinx

Ahh..Halloween..A time of year to be scared, drink til you puke, have sex dressed in funny costumes and carve pumpkins. Our mercenaries will be too, right?

Uhh..yeah. Well, may as well keep with the holiday spirit!

They’ll wish.


The inside of the bar was silent. desolate. Dick liked it that way. Halloween meant he kept the Lamb and Flag closed, and so did Al next door with his Half Moon. But at 8pm, the doors would open, and the bar would fill thanks to the amount of insane people wanting booze. The rooms upstairs were filled with customers at the Inn. Dick fiddled with the keys on his waist. The hand clicked into place. The cuckoo rang out.

This was it.

Putting in some fake fangs and fastening his cape. Walking across the wooden slatted floor. Dick slipped the key into the lock.

The click carried for miles.

-Will, Frank, Dave, Bobs and Octopuses-

Dave was busy carving a pumpkin with a Bowie Knife as Bob and Octopus put up fake skeletons

Frank: Did you hear that?

Dave: Hear what?

Frank sat up in the couch, sniffing the air

Frank: FIRST ORDERS!!!!!!!

Bob walks into the room

Bob: Is everything ok Fra--

A huge cloud of dust appears where Frank used to be, the door with a huge Frank-shaped hole in it

Bob: Oh.

Will walks in, wearing an afro and handlebar moustache with a purple hat with a pink feather a velvet suit and purple leather shoes

Will: Anyone else find it weird he can smell bars from a mile away?

Dave: To his defence, he can smell booze from 4 miles away

Bob hops down from the ladder

Bob: Hey! Will! Dressing up for Halloween?

Will: It’s Halloween?

-At the Chop Shop-

That Random Guy throws off his mask and runs into the sliding door.

That Other Random Guy: *Beep*, you take any more brain damage, we'll be putting you in a wheelchair and calling you Uncle Cabbage.

That Random Guy: The Lamb And orders..

A wave of screaming and rumbling is heard as all the burly mechanics stampede over That Random Guy and literally through the door, leaving That Random Guy with footprints all over him

That Random Guy:

That Hispanic Guy takes off his mask and walks over to him

That Hispanic Guy: I’m gonna go put a costume on, you better to ese

He walks upstairs

That Random Guy: ...Bastard...

That Hispanic Guy: LANGUAGE!

That Random Guy: El Bastardo..

That Hispanic Guy: Better.

Johan walks down carrying an executioners axe and wearing a large black hood, baggy black pants and sandals

That Random Guy: Nice..costume..

Johan: Costume?

-In the Warzone-

The enraged fighting comes to a halt in the Middle East. Several mercenaries huddled behind sandbags stand up and adjust their pants

Brick: Same time next week guys?

Several PMCs stand up and throw their rifles down

Raven Sword PMC:: Yup..Lamb and Flag? Halloween Party?

Jon: Nah, I heard they opened up the Dog and Handgun next to it.

Pieuvre Armament PMC: Really? I heard that place got closed after the annual namesake tournament, they ever find Joeys body?

Jimmy: No, the dog got him first

Raven Sword PMC: Ah...oh well, Dog and Handgun it is!!! Hey, that place still a stripclub?

Brick: OH YEAH!!

As they get ready to run, Jimmy whistles

Jimmy: Its Halloween! Costumes guys! Costumes!

They all look around, only for Billy to smash a pumpkin onto Jimmys head. Jimmy runs around with muffled screaming, clawing at the pumpkin. A PMC randomly throws a skeleton onto their sandbags

Pieuvre Armament PMC: Well, decorations done! LETS ROCK!

The PMCs and Mercenary Extras run off down the street


Dick, Al and the Dog and Handgun barkeep, Bill, all watched down the street. Sure enough, a huge dust cloud started gathering. Al was wearing a Spiderman costume minus the mask, and Bill was dressed as a mad scientist


Al runs into his bar and Dick runs into his. Bill watches as the cloud inches closer. He rings the bell.


Screaming is heard and Bill runs in as the Bar Alley is overtaken by a gigantic dust cloud


With the pubs open, the night crawling in and our mercenariues leaving all dignity behind, we see what truly happens on a Hallows Eve. How are the mercenary extras doing after being left behind to fight in the Middle East? Will Brick live up to his name? What will Steve do to nearly kill Phil this time? Will Sal order the steak or the surf and turf? Will Frank stay sober?
An adventure awaits..(No getting your money back for it)


As Friday Night settles in, the local strip-club/pub that is the re-opened Dog and Handgun is hustling and bustling. We see Phil, Steve, Brick, Billy and Jim sitting at the bar. Phil, wearing woodland facepaint, woodland camouflage and a green beret, has his head in his arms. Steve, wearing a latex catsuit, is staring ahead lifelessly. Brick, wearing a banana suit, is picking his bellybutton for fluff while Billy, dressed in a kilt, sporran and tartan, otherwise naked, is on the floor in a pile of booze and vomit.

Jim: Wow, so this is what it's like to be involved in the plot?

Phil looks up for a moment, looks at his watch and nods before resting his head in his arms again.
Steve: Everythings perfect!

Jim: If this is perfect, I wanna see awful

Steve points at Billy, who's giggling in his sleep

Brick: Wow. That guy is Frank version 2!

Phil: That wouldn't work, Billys drunk, Franks pickled.

Jim: Well, I came to see some girls.

Jim walks over to the stage where an Asian woman is poledancing. He grins and sits in a purple cushioned chair next to Jon, Jimmy, Sal, dressed as a basketball player and Vince, dressed as Mr T complete with shaved mohawk and gold chains stolen off bodies

Jim: Ahh...this is the life!

Sal stares ahead and reaches into his pocket manically, holding up a bundle of cash


Jon: Damn, how'd you get that much?

Sal: Because we're at Shadow Moses! We get paid!

Jon: Bastard..

Jon opens his pocket and a moth flies out. It tackles him by the face and he falls out of his chair, screaming. The asian woman takes her bra off and Sal gives a girly scream


Sal passes out and Brick simply stares

Brick: Now THIS is art

Jon: No it isn't, it's nudity! Shameless nudity...I LOVE IT!

Jim: Yup..babes, boobs and beer..what more could a guy ask for?

A man bumps into Phils arm. He turns to Jim and grins

Phil: For this.

He stands up and taps the mans shoulder. The man turns around

Man: Yeah?

Phil: Excuse me, but you bumped into me, and I think you owe me an apology

Man: Fuck you

Phil grins and punches the man in the face. The bar turns into total anarchy. Sal walks onto the stage and dances with the Asian woman. Steve pulls out a hand grenade

Vince: Steve? Where the hell did you get a hand grenade?!

Steve: My pants!

Vince: O--Steve! Right!

Steve turns to his right and pulls the pin off the grenade


Steve looks down at the grenade

Steve: .....Oh

Steve shoves it in a mans mouth and Vince grabs him, throwing him outside as a huge explosion lights up the darkness

Bill: BAR FIGHT!!!

A man charges at Brick. Brick stands up and throws him, the man spins dramatically in the air and flies into the stacked bottles behind the bar, screaming. Ed stands up and growls at a man. The man slaps him, and Ed simply throws him up through the roof. Sal turns to the dancer

Sal: How ya doing?

The woman punches him and Sal flies into the opposite wall, putting a hole in it. A drunk man stumbles at Phil with a bottle. Phil takes the bottle and smashes it over his head.

Drunk man: MAH HOOCH!!

Phil shrugs and does a dramatic roundhouse kick, sending the man into a triple spin in the air before landing with his head the opposite way around. Billy stumbles up.

Billy: Ish it a barfoight?!

A man laughs and walks towards Billy, Billy grabs his arm and turns his hand to face the mans face, jabbing his eyes


Billy throws the man up and he latches onto the fan, spinning around at high speed. Bill runs over to the jukebox, ducking to avoid a man Jimmy has hurled through the nearby window, and plays 'Snakecharmer' by Rage Against The machine. This signals an appearance by Tom Morello
Morello: You called?

A man runs at Morello with a switchblade. Morello stares at the man and the man sets alight, making him run around and scream. Steve and Phil bump back-to-back, Steve clutches his trusty trident while Phil grasps at a photo of Crying Wolf half-naked and covered in blackberry jam

Phil: Steve, where'd you get the trident?!

Steve: Phil where'd you get the photo?!

Phil: You can't hold it against me! I was making toast and she was horny!

Steve: To your left!

A man approaches Phil and he shows him the photo, the man screams and explodes into a million dusty particles.

Phil: To your right!!!

Steve jabs the trident into the mans chest and kills him instantly

Steve: :D

Morello starts to wade through the bodies and Jonathon stands up dangerously, his size dwarfing Morello, he taps Morello on the shoulder.

Morello: Yeah?

Jonathon smiles and holds it a pad and a pen

Jonathon: Can I have your autograph?

Morello: Sure!!

Morello goes to write his autograph, but the pen is out of ink

Morello: Got another pen?

Jonathon takes the pen and shoves it into the jugular of an advancing drunk who dies instantly.

Jonathon hands him the pen

Jonathon: Just make it out to Jonathon, a fan since the beginning!

Phil and Brick double-headbutt a drunk and throw him to the floor. Steve is busy stabbing at a man on the floor. Sal manages to stand up as two men advance at him

Man: Time to die bitch!

Sal pulls out a basketball and throws it at one of the men, putting it through him, the basketballl rebounds and it decapaitates the other man

Sal: :D

Vince grabs a man and impales him on a broken stool. Ed goes one better and impales a drunk on Vince

Vince: ...Ewww...

A man throws a makeshift fireball of fiery sponge at Jim. Jim bends backwards, falling slowly, the camera rotates and Jim keeps bending, but the fireball lands on his crotch, setting it alight. A man grabs Billy around the throat, but Billy headbutts him and lifts his kilt, causing the man to spontaneously combust


Zack De La Rocha wanders in, dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow, and pulls out a cutlass

De La Rocha: Morello! Why aren’t you dressed up?!

Morello was busy brawling with a drunk who had him in a headlock


A man wanders by on fire

Man: he’s right

The man crumbles into ashes as Rocha wanders in. A man wanders up to him and slaps him, Rocha shrugs and smacks him with his dreadlocks, slicing him in 3

Rocha: HAHA!!

Phil walks forward, drinking a pint



The Beauty and the Beast Unit walk down the street, wearing their black latex catsuits, high heels and carrying whips.. They stop momentarily outside the Dog and Handgun, staring at the charred, still burning body of a man roasting on the doorstep

Screaming Mantis: They actually opened it?

'Bulls on Parade' turns up to 50db inside the bar. Phil flies out of the window and lands at their feet


Phil: I thought it would be funny.

Mantis: It’s Halloween, Wolf.

Mantis sighs


Phil: Duck.

Raging Raven: Wha--

Billy is thrown out of the top window, they duck and he flies into the oppsoite house

Billy: Hellooooo--

Billy is thrown out of that houses broken window and through the broken window back into the Dog and Handgun

Screaming Mantis: We'll just leave..

Crying Wolf: NO! I'm not leaving him!

Tom Morello walks out dramatically and kneels by Phil

Morello: Phil..come back in, the beer needs drinking and the non-mercenaries, non-characters and non-cameos need throwing out

Phil stands up, seemingly instantly healed

Phil: Let's rock.

They watch as Morello and Phil run back into the bar, an explosion lighting them up and sending Brick out of the window in a fiery blaze. He screams and rolls on the sand before putting out the flames and lying their hissing in smoke

Brick: Ooo...warm

Raging Raven shakes her head and they walk down the street

-The Lamb and Flag-

The pub rocks as another explosion cascades from the Dog and Handgun. Dick has to grasp onto the bar to stop from falling

Dick: JESUS!!

Jesus Christ: You called?

The whole bar goes silent and turns to face the saviour

Bar: O___O

Jesus Christ: Even the almighty needs a break..I thank you for your accomodation..

Jesus Christ vanishes into a white haze and Moe the Midget patters across the floor, dressed as a ninja

Moe: Oi! Dick!

Dick: What?

Moe: I heard rumours that the Half Moon is holding a mudwrestling competition!!

Dave, dressed as Scarface with hawaiian shirt and all, walks up to the bar

Dave: Oh please, the Beauty and the Beast Unit are here, how good could it be?

A muddy, speedo-wearing Will, still wearing an afro and handlebar moustache, flies through the window, mud sticking to him. He stands up and half the bar faints.

Will: You faint cause I am sexy!!

A muddy, spandex-shorts wearing Raven Sword PMC flies through the window too. This causes most of the bar to faint

Raven Sword PMC: Is it cause i'm sexy?

Moe: Gawd, you're ugly dude! CAPITAL U! CAPITAL G! CAPITAL L-Y!

The Raven Sword PMC grabs Moe and lifts him up, but Moe kicks him in the head before hopping down and headbutting his crotch. The PMC collapses instantly and half the bar start getting up

Samoa Joe: I had a terrible nightmare!!

Kurt Angle: Me toooo...

Bob: Same..OH GOD!!

Will stands there with his hands on his hips

Will: Take a picture, it'll last longer

Dave: So does brain damage goddammit!!!!!!

Dave, clutching his rambo bandana tighter around his head, collapses to the floor and Will turns around. Several screams pierce the air and they collapse to the floor.

Will: Oh har-har..

Will walks outside


The Beauty and the Beast Unit walk past the Lamb and Flag where Will is. They stop

Raging Raven: O_O

Will: Ummm...hello ladiessss..I've already--

Raging Raven: NO YOU DON'T!! YOU HAVE ME!!

Will: Lady, I prom--

Raging Raven: I SAID YOU HAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Will: Yes ma'am

Raging Raven stomps other and grabs his arm, dragging him off


Raging Raven: NO CHANCE!!!


The rest watch as Raven drags WIll into a boarded-up building, and then watch as Phil, Vince, Sal and Jimmy fly out of the window of the Dog and Handgun in an explosion

Screaming Mantis: ....incredible..simply, incredible

They all walk into the Lamb and Flag

-The Lamb and Flag-

The Unit sit down at a nearby table, with the normality having finally been restored. Soot-covered Phil, Sal, Steve, Jimmy, Billy and Brick stumble into the bar and to the bar

Phil: I'll have a pint please..

Dick: God, you guys look tattered!!

Sal: We'll take the drinks, then we'll tell the stories

They pay up and Phil takes his pint before turning around and stopping paralyzed as he stares at the Units table.

Phil: O____O

Laughing Octopus: Yeees?

Phil: O_____O

Screaming Mantis stands up and walks to him, waving her hand in front of his face

Screaming Mantis: Knock-knock..

Crying Wolf stands up, licking her lips

Crying Wolf: Ooo..I love it when he stands still..

Phil shakes his head and dives out of the nearest window


Crying Wolf jumps through the window pane and hurtles after him. They listen and hear the heavy crunch of sand

Phil: SHE'S GOT ME!! STEVE!! SAL!! ANYBODDDYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP?!!!!



His screams fade silently into the distance as the bar returns to its normal hustle and bustle

Sal: I feel sorry for that guy, honestly

Bob: Well I don't!

Octopus looks at Bob, licking her lips

Bob: ....

She raises her eyebrows and grins



The whole bar cheers

Dean: I just creamed in my cheese!

The whole bar goes silent and looks back at him

Dean: ...

He holds up a jar of cream cheese, they cheer loudly

Kurt Angle: Hey guys, I just banished a white russian from my Kremlin!

The whole bar goes silent and looks over at him

Kurt Angle: :D

He holds up a bottle of White Russian mixture inside a kremlin-shaped bottle, they cheer loudly

Jim: I just bashed the bishop!

The whole bar goes silent and looks over at him

Jim: ;D

He points to a knocked-out bishop, they cheer loudly

Brick: I just masturbated!

The whole bar goes silent and looks over at him

Brick: :)

Bar: OH MY GOD!!!

Brick: Sticky..

Moe jumps onto the table and dropkicks him. Brick falls backwards and collapses to the floor

Samoa Joe: Thats why I like midget ninjas!

Moe hops onto Joes table and they hi-5. That Hispanic Guy, now dressed as a yellow-suited pimp, walks down the stairs and scans the bar

That Hispanic Guy: always..but, one tequila for me Dick!

He walks over to the bar and downs the tequila in one as Dave wanders over

Dave: the special brew?

Dick leans down and stands up with a ceramic mug of purple liquid

Sal: Hey, Dick, whats with the mugs?

Dick: Well..the glasses seemed to melt

Dave: It must be good!

He chugs it down in one

Dave: Well, ‘Night.

He collapses, somehow looking unshaven and scruffy. Frank, dressed as a hobo, steps over him

Frank: I’ll take 10!!

Screaming Mantis: I’ll take Frank!

Frank: Yeah, she’ll--WHAT?!

Mantis: You’re mine, baby!

Frank: ..Hang on, there has been no plot development whatsoever, and I demand you--

She unzips her catsuit and reveals her chest


Mantis licks her lips and zips up again


Brick: Hey, look, he finally learnt a new word..

Phil crashes in through the nearest window

Phil: This shit ain’t funny anymore!

Dick: What?

Sabin and Shelley, dressed as headless horsemen, ride in. A bolt of lightning scars the sky and the lights suddenly cut in the Lamb and Flag. Silence.

Dave: Wow...darkness..silence..

Sabin: See Shelley?! BAD JUJU!!! BAAAAD JUUJUU!!!!!!!!

Sabin hops off his horse and takes off the mask

Phil: Brick, stop touching me

Brick: Phil, you’re paranoid, you’re touching yourself


Obese Maurice: Anything?

A spotlight shines into the Lamb and Flag, causing everyone to duck. A Gekkou, wearing the white vest and shorts from the 118 advert, walks by

Sal: Now i’ve seen everything

Gekkou (In girly, tinny voice) 118! 118! GOT YER NUMBER!

Samoa Joe: Now i’ve heard everything too.

Morello: I..seriously don’t wanna fight them

Mantis: Uhh..Phil?

Phil: What?..

Mantis: Where’s Wolf?

Phil: I left her in the Dog and Handgun

Bill: MY PUB?!!

All: Ssshhhh!!!

Bill: My pub?

Silence. Sound of ‘Get Low’ by T-Flo.

Bill: What the--Phil! Go! Now!

Phil: Why me?!

Bob: It’s only fair..

Phil: Asshole.

Laughing Octopus’ tentacles shoot out and throw Phil through the wall

Dick: Hey! It’s my pub!

They watch as Phil curses loudly and walks off. As he vanishes from view, the lights come back on

Morello: Sweet.

-The Dog and Handgun-

Phil walks into the Dog and Handgun, only to find its pitch black

Phil: I don’t like reminds me of my first date!

Heavy breathing. A shadow advances towards Phil. A strong gust of wind slams the doors behind him.

Phil: DEFINITELY my first date!

The shadow grabs him and Phil screams, but a match lights and reveals a muddy Will.

Phil: WILL?!

Will: Sshhhh!! Somethings going on..

Phil: Like what?!

Will: Powercuts..happening randomly..We had to move our mudwrestling here!

A few more matches are lit by PMCs, revealing several PMC soldiers, Ed, Meryl, Steve and Billy wearing muddy swimsuits

Phil: This is so wrong!

Screams from the Lamb and Flag. Silence. Patter of feet across sand and the door flings open. Frank, Dave, Billy and Sal fly in.


Frank: If its a knob gag, I will kill you

Billy: ...I resent the remark that I am a one-dimensional person who uses penis jokes for cheap laughs

Sal: Shut up! Something bads happening!

Phil: Wolfs gone missing, too

The door flies open and Sabin walks in with Mantis on his shoulders


Bar goes silent.


Billy: Now THATS a cheap laugh


Meryl rushes over and puts a candle on the floor. Sabin lays her down, revealing Mantis’s eyes wide open and 5 gunshots in her chest, Silence. Everyones looking down at her, Meryl knelt beside the body

Ed: Uhhh...if it can kill Screaming Mantis, do we have a better chance?

Praying Mantis PMC: ...No. Not even close.

Phil: What if we have Lemmy?

Praying Mantis PMC: ....Lemmy?

The familiar handlebar moustached face and leather jacket appears as Lemmy stands in the doorway

Lemmy: Anyone got a light?

Phil grabs a match

Will: PHIL! We need those for light!


Phil lights the match and walks over, lighting a cigarette in Lemmys mouth

Lemmy: Thanks dude..Hey, whats with the blackout?

Sal: Some possibly post-apocalyptic shit.

Phil: How cool is this? First is Rage Against The Machine, then Johnny Cash, then Slash, Then the Rat Pack and NOW Lemmy!!

Lemmy: Motorhead.

Lemmy points to several shadows, standing there and loitering

Phil: Awesome!

Will: Hey, can you guys rock out and find out what possibly wants to kill us?!

Lemmy: No.

Will: WHY?!

Lemmy: We don’t just stash Mics, guitars, drums, amps and speakers up our asses!

Phil: So how did Slash and Morello--

Several shots ring out. Morello runs into the bar, screaming


Phil: Ah! Morello! Hey, how did you get your guitar?


Frank: MANTIS! So innocent..

Several shots ring out and everyone dives to the ground, windows shattering and wood splinters flying everywhere. The PMCs pick up their assault rifles and return fire, but a grenade flies through the window


Lemmy runs over, picks it up and throws it outside. Motorhead scream and run inside the bar as an explosion blows the opposite building off its foundations

Steve: Whats going on? I’m scared!

Will: We’re all scared!

Frank: dead..

Phil: Wolf probably is too..


Phil: Better her than me

Steve: PHIL!

Phil: I’ll miss the ol’ gal. But right now, WE gotta survive

Gunshots heard from the Lamb and Flag. Steve, Lemmy and Will look out of the door

Will: They’re firing at something...HEY! JOHNNY CASH!

A guitar sails through the air and hits a Gekkou on the head, killing it instantly. Laughing Octopus runs out, but a Gekkou comes from nowhere. Bob, Brick, Jimmy and Samoa Joe give covering fire, but Octopus gets shot in the head. She collapses back and Bob cries out, catching her


Octopus leans up weakly and Phil walks out, snatching an M4 from a PMC and walking out


Phil: The worlds going insane!

The Gekkou opens fire and Brick is shot in the kneecap, but he keeps firing. Jimmy covers him as he limps back in. Kurt Angle, Slash, Morello, De La Rocha, Jim, Jimmy, Moe the Midget, Bill, Obese Maurice, Johnny Cash, Frank Sinatra and Naruto run out. Bill quickly uses Naruto as a meatshield when the Gekkou fires and blood spurts everywhere before Bill throws the dead body to the ground

Will: Phil! To survive..WE MUST BE A UNIT!

Phil: Suck my unit!

Phil marches out, and Steve goes towards the door

Will: STEVE! NO!

Steve looks at Will and looks down

Steve: Me wanna live..but we gotta fight..

Phil rushes over and hands Steve his kevlar body armour. Steve takes it,. surprised

Steve: Ph-Phil..thanks!!

Phil: No problem, just remember, you didn’t get this from me, and I tried to steal it from you!

Steve: Right!

Steve tears off his catsuit to reveal his mercenary uniform and he pulls out two 45. pistols, they start marching towards the Gekkou. Ed looks at them and strolls past

Will: ED!!

Ed: Hey dude, I respect you..but you’re an idiot! We gotta fight!

Ed walks out, and Lemmy follows, grabbing a pool cue. Motorhead follow Lemmy, and Billy walks out, playing bagpipes. The PMCs simply walk past, carrying their guns. Will sighs

Will: Ahhh..fuck


Bob: Octopus...Why......why...

Octopus was lying limp in Bobs arms, her eyes shut tightly

Bob: Occy...OCCY!!!!!!

He looks up at the sky and cries. Phil walks over and slaps him Bob looks up at him, red-eyed


Bob nods, with a look of grim hate on his lips. Phil hands him his M4 and he pulls out a survival knife

Dick: are practically unarmed you gimboid!

Phil: I fight like man. and die like hero!

Angle: You’re nuts.

Five Gekkous stomp over, their heads twitching wildly and they look up, mooing loudly


Silence. Everyone looks at Dick who's carrying a shotgun.


Dick fires at one Gekkou, causing it to stumble. Anarchy ensues. Angle, Slash, Morello, De La Rocha, and Motorhead mob one, cutting it down. Phil climbs up the top of the shot Gekkou and starts carving into its metal panels


Dave runs out


Phil: Blood loss?

Dick: She had her leg cut off by a Gekkou when she tried to run!

Phil hops down

Phil: Umm..Steve?

Steve was busy stabbing a Gekkou with a trident as Lemmy was smashing its leg with a solid steel pool cue

Steve: Yes?

Phil: Don’t you find it odd the entire Unit is dead?

Steve: ..No

Phil: It seems fishy..

Phil starts to hack and slash at a Gekkous leg. That Hispanic Guy wraps his whip around one and trips it up, letting Shelley and Sabin snare it in a net. Drebin wanders out with a huge plasma cannon

Samoa Joe: Drebin? WHAT THE FUCK?!


Everyone dives to the ground as Drebin fires it and a huge red beam vaporizes the nearest Gekkou


Drebin: No giant mechanical motherfuckers gonna take my business from me!

Drebin flicks a switch and charges it as seven more Gekkous charge out from nowhere, twitching violently, their ‘eyes’ glowing red

Phil: That ain’t normal!

That Random Guy, dressed as a pumpkin, grabs a crowbar and starts to smash the knees of one of the Gekkous

That Hispanic Guy: *Beep*, stop being a moron!

That Random Guy jams the sharp end into the Gekkous knee, causing it to stumble as Slash hops on it and tunes his guitar. He points it down at the Gekkou and plays a few notes, causing it to set on fire. Morello simply stares at a Gekkou and it explodes violently.

Morello: Zack! Your left!

De La Rocha swings to his left and takes off his pirate hat, swinging his dreadlocks like a fan and causing the Gekkou to be blown into the nearest building. As the Rat Pack continue curb-stomping another Gekkou as John Wayne shoots its kneecaps, Obese Maurice and Moe the Midget have been backed into a corner by a Gekkou

Maurice: Ow, Moe? I gotta plan..

Moe: I’m listening..

The Gekkou advances as Maurice whispers in Moes ear. Moe looks at him oddly

Moe: Thats fucking awful!

Maurice: Aye, but its the best shot we got kidda..

Moe sighs and bends over. Maurice grabs him by the hem of his ninja pants and flings him at the Gekkous head. Moe grabs it and pulls out some nunchucks, smacking them over the Gekkous head


The Gekkou stumbles back and Maurice charges


Maurice collides with the Gekkou, causing it to fall backwards just as Moe smashes his nunchucks into the power supply, causing the Gekkou to shut down

Maurice: Gimme 5 kidda!

They hi-5. Steve looks at Phil, who looks at Steve, who looks at Samoa Joe

Samoa Joe: Why me?

Phil: We need Chuck Norris...

All of a sudden, A beam of light shines down through the darkness and Chuck Norris, dressed as Walker: Texas Ranger, beams down to the ground.

Chuck Norris: You called?

Two gekkous charge at Norris. The mercenaries blink and one Gekkou is beheaded, while the other is in a million pieces

Norris: A roundhouse kick will ALWAYS save the day!

Phil: Chuck..what is going on?

Norris: I cannot say..Well, bye

Chuck Norris vanishes in a blip of light and everyone stands there as several gekkous advance

Lemmy: FUCK!

A Gekkou shoots Dick in his legs and he falls to his knees



Frank has finally wandered in, drinking a glass of bourbon and his eyes red from crying

Will: You shed a tear for Mantis?

Angle: Looks like he shed a waterfall

Frank: No-one kills the bartender..AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!!

Dick: I’m still alive, but bleeding badly!

Billy rushes over and lifts up Dick, carrying him into the bar

Billy: Ignore the morons, lets get ya fixed lad!

Frank screams and flails his arms, jumping onto a Gekkou and biting into its head. The mercenaries yell out and start fighting again. Phil climbs up with Frank and Steve and starts to stab the head. with Steve jabbing at the back

Steve: I gotta control panel!

Steve clambers into the Gekkou and sparks start to fly as it stumbles around. Phil stands on the head and starts stomping it as Lemmy throws out a microphone cable and trips it up, sending Steve, Frank and Phil off onto the ground. Jimmy, Bill, Vince and Sal walk up to one of the Gekkous

Sal: Wassup?

The Gekkou goes to punt him


Kurt Angle runs in and trips the Gekkou, rolling it onto its belly and locking in an Ankle Lock


The Gekkou starts tapping until Angle rips its leg off, letting Sal grab his basketball and hurl it full-speed at the Gekkou, going straight through its head


Morello stops pounding a Gekkou with a guitar and plays a few riffs, causing everyone to silence

Samoa Joe: If the Beauty and the Beast Unit is supposed to be all come they’re dead, eh?!

A huge rabble goes up and Billy walks out with a limping Brick

Billy: I think we’ve all been had!!

Brick: But why?!

Steve: Maybe for fun?

Vince: FUN?! 2 people have been shot and ones dead!

Will: A very minor one

Dean: You know what I say? I say lets find them!


Silence. A small humming noise in the background.

Lemmy: You hear that?

De La Rocha: Hear what?
Sal: THAT!

They watch as the streetlights turn back on and the shadow of Screaming Mantis in her battlesuit floats above the nearest building, her marionettes in hand. Naruto lets out a zombiefied groan and stands, only for Vince to take off his top hat and throw at him, decapitating him

Phil: Uhhh..Hi! Mantis..

Frank: MANTIS!!!! BABE!!

Everyone looks at Frank

Dave: We all knew you were messed in the head..No-one was prepared for this!

Mantis simply keeps looking down at them

Dean: Is this a joke or not?

Praying Mantis PMC: Even we don’t know..

Phil: What the FUCK is going ON???!!!

The beauty forms of Wolf, Mantis, Octopus and Raven walk out of the bar

Mantis: Uhh..whats up guys?

Steve: Well, Mantis, we don’t know if you’re going to kill us!

The mercenaries keep looking at the Mantis suit, until Frank slowly faces them

Frank: Uhh....Hi..Mantis..If you’re here..and your suits there...

The battle suit explodes in a blinding flash from thousands of stun grenades and everyone screams, collapsing instantly

Frank: MY EYES!! MY EYES!!

Phil: STEVE??!! YOU OK?!!!

Steve: WHAT??!!


Dave: Night-night

Dave collapses and Phil collapses on top of Morello. De La Rocha looks around

De La Rocha: ALL I SEE IS WHITE!!!


Sal collapses and Vince is on the floor, shuddering violently before he stops, unconscious


The Unit is on the floor, laughing loudly as the rest collapse

-Dawn - 1st November-

Vince slowly raises his head, cringing at the sight of the sun

Vince: Gawd...My head..

Sal: Is anyone else having trouble hearing?

Phil, Steve, Frank, Will, Vince, Sal, Brick and Blly look up to see the Unit sitting on a table outside, with Dick leaning out the window

Dick Head: Hi guys.

Mercenaries: ...

Dick: :)

Al: You were onto this the WHOLE time?!

Dick: Yup, we all had a part in it..figured you guys needed a good shock to stop you being such bastards...

Phil: He’s right..

Wolf: Really?

Phil, Will and Maurice stand up, walking into the bar. Dick screams as he clings on to the window, but all 3 drag him out and outside

Will: Ok Dicky, if its so funny, here’s a trick for you..

Dave stands up, shaking his head

Dave: Goddamn..

Will: Dave, stun grenade.

Dave throws a stun grenade and Will catches it. Sal, Brick and Billy stand up, with Sal holding down Dick and rolling him onto his stomach.

Will: Billy, his pants

Billy pulls down Dicks pants and Will places the stun grenade down his boxers, kicking him roughly. Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin stand up, joining in. Dick screams as the awakening mercenaries watch


Will: Goodnight Dick.

Sinatra takes a run and boots Dick from the side, causing a pin to fly into Phils head. Dick screams and the grenade explodes, causing light to emit from Dicks mouth before he collapses, comatosed

Steve: ..DAMN!

Phil: WHat about you girls?

The Unit watch, staring in fear

Phil: Maurice, tie them up

They clamber up and run away, screaming.

Phil: Ok..A competition, who can wreck the Lamb and Flag the most?

A huge dust cloud appears and the whole cast is inside the bar in a split-second. Frank is leant over the bar, drinking from the beer taps. Obese Maurice is raiding the fridge and Moe is busy smashing chairs. Motorhead are busy playing ‘Orgasmatron’ as Tom Morello and De La Rocha run out with several expensive items on their back.

Phil: So..Will..

Will: Phil.

Phil extends a hand, and Will shakes it

Phil: Well done..

Will: that a human side I see?

They watch as Frank flies out of the bar, cackling as he runs down the street with several bottles of expensive Armagnac

Phil: No, its a side grateful we finally KICKED SOME ASS!!

Will: HOO-RAHH!!!

Phil: Now wreck something manwhore

Will: You too cockhead

They walk into the bar and the screen turns black.

It quickly returns to the scene again, and we see Shelley and Sabin walking through the streets, hauling a Gekkou in a net

Shelley: You know, Sabin, I think we hit the jackpot..

The camera pans to reveal a line of 12 Gekkous attached to the net

Sabin: Indeed we did..HEY! Is that an UAV?!

They see a pair of wings and a motor. Shelley runs over and picks it up

Shelley: Still warm!! We could be rich! RICH!

Raging Raven swoops down, and they’ve disappeared. The camera watches as Shelley and Sabin are clutching onto Raging Ravens wings for their lives

Shelley: DEAN?! HOW THE HELL?!

Dean: Don’t judge me! I had one too many bottles of Chardonnay!


Dean: Franks getting drunk on Armagnac!!


Raven tilts down and they start falling

Dean: NOW!!

They scream and collapse through the roof of the lamb and Flag as the screen finally fades.

Only joking.

The screen appears again, and we see Frank crawling out of the covers of his bed in his flat

Frank: That was good..

Mantis crawls up next to him

Mantis: Ohhh yeahhh..

Frank: Wanna drink?

Mantis: Sure.....I wonder how Wolf is doing..

Frank shrugs and hands her a bottle of Malibu which she starts draining.

As the camera fades.


The camera re-opens and we see Phil slowly stalking down the street. He quickly ducks into an alley and looks around the corner, still wearing woodland camo and facepaint

Phil: Like a shadow in the night..

Wolf: Whatcha doing?

Phil: Sneaking away from---Ahh..this shit has gotta stop..

He turns and sees Wolf sitting on a dumpster, sucking a lollipop

Wolf: These things..SO NICE!!

Phil: They’re nothing but boiled sugar and colouring..What do you want?

Wolf: To say you missed me.

Phil: Whats the point of lying?

Wolf: Pwease..

Phil: Pleading never got you anywhere before.

Wolf remembers Mantis and grins, slowly zipping down her latex suit and flashing her chest. Phil screams and collapses to the floor


Wolf: Don’t lie you big baby.

She zips them up again and grabs his leg, dragging him into the alley


The screen fades.



We see Morgan Freeman in front of a black screen

Freeman: And so, the mercenaries finally learnt that to survive, they truly must live and work with another..and the Unit learned that the people who laugh last, truly laugh best.. The poor Unit would not be able to pulla trick on the mercenaries, and Dick is currently in a coma, having suffered internal injuries, from a stun grenade in his rectum..This Hallows Eve, keep safe. From me, Morgan Freeman..wishing you a Happy Halloween!

Voice: Mr Freeman! Catch!

A half-pineapple filled with orange juice is flung towards him and the camera pans out, revealing a beach party. A set hand tears down the curtain and wraps a flower necklace around his neck

Studio Hand: PARRTTTYYY!!! WOOOO!!!

Freeman looks up at the sky and the face of Author Phil grins down, giving a thumbs up next to a cloud shaped like a smiling face of Chuck Norris. The screen finally fades.