Saturday, 10 October 2015

Saga III Chapter VIII - A Quick Death In Mexico


In Beale and Walker Street, a beige Humvee has parked at the top of the street. With Tenpenny in the driver’s seat and Lynch standing outside with his arms folded, Cloete, Tavi, Kane and Stephen climb out of the rear. Cloete walks around to the passenger’s side, opening the door for Krige who is sitting beside Tenpenny. Jeeves remains sat in the back, looking distinctly uncomfortable.

Lynch: Here we are, Krige.

Krige [Looking around, smirking]: Aye, you can tell the English are here, so many fuckin' pubs and not one bit of culture around!

Tenpenny bites his tongue irritably as Krige climbs out of the passenger's seat, gripping his VSS rifle intently.

Lynch: Your outpost is up there, very close to the town.

Krige: Yeah, and i'll be comin' down for a drink every night.

Lynch [Sighing]: You can do what you want, Krige, just make sure you shoot enemies and not friendlies.

Krige: I'll fuckin' shoot anyone who pisses me off.

Lynch: Well, y’know what? That’s a start.

Krige: Yeah yeah.

Tenpenny [Quickly]: If you don’t mind, me and Jeeves must be off for a while. Ta-ta!

Lynch: Hold on, where are you going?

Tenpenny [Mumbling beneath his breath]: To find a better rifle capable of killing a South African cunt.

The engine roars violently as Tenpenny speeds off, not even bothering to have Jeeves take the wheel and spraying the mercenaries with sand. Kane coughs slightly, waving his hand in front of his face as he watches.

Kane: Well, that was bloody nice of him.

Lynch: Never seen Winston pissed off before.

Krige: Ah, bollocks to ‘im!

A series of coughs sound from nearby. Lynch turns around, watching as a familiar figure steps out into the street.

Lynch: Oh fuck, it’s you.

Courtney, looking distinctly paler and a lot more exhausted, steps out into the street, looking around. Tavi takes a step forward and both women lock eyes.

Tavi: Hello.

Courtney: Hello.

Despite the previous friendliness of both women, the tension between them is palpable. Tavi’s fists clench slightly, a move that Stephen notices and causes him to take a step backwards.

Stephen: …Can we NOT fight he--

Courtney and Tavi [In unison]: Shut up!

Stephen: Iiiiiiiiii’m just going to step into ReLoaded.

Stephen whistles innocently, turning around and quickly rushing into ReLoaded, slamming the door shut behind him.

Courtney [Quietly]: You look well.

Tavi [Quietly]: You look like hammered shit.

Courtney: Having your hometown fall to an invasion will do that to a person.

Tavi: Shame.

Courtney: It is. Ever seen somebody crucified before?

Tavi: No.

Courtney: It’s fucking awful.

Tavi: I can imagine.

Lynch: Wait a minute..Wait a minute….Somebody invaded your hometown?

Courtney [Looking at Lynch]: Tennessee is gone, Lynch. It’s Brazilian territory now.

Lynch: Oh. Yeah, Mother told me.

Courtney: They’ve moved on to New Mexico.

Kane: Bloody hell, the Brazilians are actively taking territory?! REALLY?!

Courtney: Really.

From behind the bombed-out husk of a building at the end of the street steps out Mother Mercenary. Every single face falls across the mercenaries, aside from Krige who is simply watching, amused.

Mother: Hello, children.

Lynch: Hello, Mother.

Kane [Quickly]: Mother, did you know about this—if Tennessee has fallen, that means the Academy--

Mother: Is gone.

Kane: WHAT?! HOW?!?!?! WHY?!?!

Lynch: It’s on a need-to-know basis, furry boy, and you don’t have clearance.

Courtney: I wish you had told me, Mother.

Mother: Even I didn’t know Dan would lead an assault of such sheer ferocity so soon. Nor did I expect the Academy’s recruits to align with him in all fairness.

Courtney: Me and my family are lucky to have escaped with our lives. And now you have fucking Krige of all people acting as defence.

Courtney glares over at Krige, who gives a small wave and a grin.

Krige: Didn’t know shit was stacked so small!

Courtney lunges forward, but Lynch quickly steps in front of her, blocking her path.

Lynch: Don’t. Just….don’t.

Mother [Ignoring them]: You’ll be working extensively with our team on Project Eos and your family will be housed in the Academy itself. There is no need to worry about your safety.

Courtney [Growing angrier]: Tell that to the fucking people I saw crucified in Tennessee!

Krige: War’s unpleasant, lassie, grow a pair!

Courtney: Gee, then at least between us, we’ll have one set of balls!

Krige [Laughing in disbelief]: Bloody hell, the little troll has a mouth on ‘er! Can’t wait to put a bullet in it!

Mother [Coldly]: To your post, Krige.

Krige: Yeah yeah…

Krige shoulders his rifle, turning around and walking up the street.

Mother: And Krige?

Krige [Turning around]: Yeah?

Mother: If you threaten Courtney again, or otherwise harm ANY of my men, I will personally climb your guard tower, rip out your internal organs and make myself a hearty stew from them, using your broken bones as a stock. Do you understand?

Krige [Laughing and waving his right hand before turning around]: Yeah, sure!

Lynch [Laughing]: Never seen anybody put the shits up Krige before!

Mother [Looking at Lynch]: Marcus, keep me informed on him. For now, I need to take Courtney and Kane to the Academy.

Lynch: Alright.

Mother, Kane and Courtney walk up the street as Lynch watches, scratching his nose and giving an irritable sigh.

Lynch: Hm. Alright. Guess I’ll just grab a drink.

Lynch turns around, jolting back slightly the moment he comes face-to-face with Dean.

Dean: Hey boss.

Lynch [Angrily]: For fucks sake, Dean, don’t scare me like that!

Dean: Sorry boss.

Lynch: And stop calling me ‘boss’, you weird prick, just call me Lynch. What do you want?

Dean: Do you have any experience in dealing with the undead?

Lynch looks at Dean before simply turning on his heels and walking down the street, towards the Lamb and Flag.

Dean: Was it something I said?!

Lynch: YES!

Dean simply stands before looking back at the doors of Kebaborama. Bobby is swiftly thrown through the doors, rolling across the desert sands as a zombie bull snorts violently in the doorway, glaring at Dean.

Dean: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww shit.

Karab’s Voice [Angrily]: STOP SELLING MYSTERY MEAT!!


Karab screams violently, suddenly appearing as he vaults straight over the bull, tackling Dean to the ground and pummelling him desperately. Samuel sighs, standing beside the bull and watching Dean and Karab wrestle on the ground.

Samuel: Y’know, I’d have thought the holiday would’ve helped them both.


Mexico City, the capital of Mexico. Despite having a name without an ounce of creativity, the city itself is arguably one of the more beautiful cities in the world. Relatively progressive, densely populated and now taking over as one of the world’s financial centres thanks to the fact that New York is little more than a warzone where even the traders are more busy selling weapons than stocks, Mexico City remains neutral in the face of the global war economy. At least, that’s it’s official stance: In reality, the creation of its own PMC to fight running wars with the drug cartels is very much boosting the war economy to new heights.

In Tláhuac, a borough on the south-east edge of the district, the rural town has been invaded by a tiny Mini Cooper, inside of which is squeezed Bobby, Marcos and Eligio. Parking up outside of what appears to be a hastily erected wooden shack, Bobby steps out, taking a look around the rural surroundings.

Bobby: Well, this is it: Tláhuac. This is where Melvin should be if those cartel members are to be trusted.

Eligio [Taking a deep breath]: So beautiful.

Bobby: You can’t even tell it’s Mexico: There’s no random dead bodies in the street.

Eligio [Scoffing]: Mexico isn’t that bad!

Bobby: I know a different Mexico to you, then.

Bobby walks around the car, pulling the boot open and reaching inside, pulling out a tattooed cartel member who has been hogtied with his legs and arms behind his back with thick rope.

Marcos: Why did we bring him all the way with us?

Bobby: I want to make sure that we’ve got the right address.

Bobby places his hands under the armpits of the cartel member, twisting him around to face the hut.

Bobby: Right place, amigo?

Cartel Member: ….Si…

Bobby: That’s good enough for me! Man, Melvin needs some money.

Bobby slowly lowers the cartel gang member onto his stomach, reaching into the waistband of his jeans and pulling out a bowie knife, slicing through the rope and freeing him from his bondage. The cartel member quickly stumbles up to his feet, sprinting down the nearby street.

Marcos: Quick little man, isn’t he?

Bobby: Man, I hope we didn’t upset him with the violent beatings and hogtying.

Eligio: You probably did—My God, this is Melvin’s house?

Marcos: Well, his sty.

Eligio: May as well get this over and done with.

Bobby sighs, walking up to the door of the hut and knocking three times on it.

Shaky Voice: Wh-Who is it?

Bobby: Melvin, ya wanker, it’s Uncle Bobby. Open the door or I’ll fucking rip it off its hinges.

Bobby stands there for a few seconds as several locks and bolts are presumably unlocked before the door slowly opens up. Melvin, who has always been short and skinny, appears even worse: His skin is pale and clammy, his feathery brown hair since shaven down to the scalp and deep black bags are etched under his brown eyes. A white t-shirt and jean shorts hang perilously loose on his fragile frame as his eyes shoot around in their sockets, taking in Bobby, Eligio and Marcos.

Melvin: Oh, uh, hi guys.

Eligio: Let us in, compadre!

Melvin steps aside, letting Bobby, Marcos and Eligio inside of the shack which, quite frankly, looks depressing. A lone room beckons them, with a mattress against the upper-left corner of the room and a small white plastic table in the middle of the room with a metal folding chair near it. Takeout containers and cartons dot the entire floor, with only a soiled fork on the table indicating that Melvin hasn’t resorted to eating with his hands.

Melvin: Well…this is my home…

Bobby [Looking around]: There’s fuckin’ nothing here, mate!

Melvin: I’ve been, uh, living on a budget.

Eligio looks at Melvin, who catches his gaze and gulps slightly.

Eligio [Narrowing his eyes]: Is everything alright, Melvin? You seem….off.

Melvin: I’m fine.

Marcos: Maybe we should make you piss into a cup.

Eligio: Yeah: Paranoid, skinny as hell, pale…..What is it, Melvin? What have you done?

Melvin [Looking around nervously]: Nothing! Nothing at all!

Bobby walks over to Melvin’s mattress, squatting down and picking up a hypodermic needle.

Bobby [Turning around]: …So, you’re into giving blood transfusions as a hobby or something?

Melvin yelps, turning around.

Melvin [Quickly]: I can explain everything!

Eligio [Folding his arms]: Please do!

A small silence fills the hut.

Melvin: I’ve got nothing..

Eligio [Sighing darkly]: Oh, Melvin…So this is what you’ve been doing? Drugs?

Melvin: I’ve seen some shit, man!

Marcos: All of us have. Few of us have turned to….whatever you’ve turned to.

Melvin: Heroin.

Eligio: Heroin. Even better.

Melvin [Quickly]: Look, guys, can you just get outta here? It’s not safe!

Eligio: Why? Are you tweaking? Going to stab us with a needle?

Melvin: No, it’s….goddammit…uh..

Bobby: What?

Melvin: Well….I’m having trouble cause…well…uh…I kinda have a debt.

Eligio: …A debt to who?

Melvin: Los Zetas.

A silence falls over the group before Eligio lunges forward, grasping Melvin by his collar and shaking him.


Bobby: Well, we’re fucked now. All we can do is flee the country.

Eligio [Panicking]: FLEEING THE COUNTRY WON’T DO SHIT!!! We are fucking screwed! We are going to be found in a ditch without our heads!!

Marcos: Los Zetas, the biggest drug cartel in Mexico…..Well, Melvin, you certainly know how to pick your fights.


Marcos: Alright, calm down, we need to think of a plan.


Marcos: Panicking won’t help.

Bobby: Hang on, that guy who gave us directions was in Los Zetas.

A silence falls over the group.

Melvin [Panicking]: WAIT, WHAT?!?!


Marcos: NOW we’re fucked.

Bobby: We could try killing them?

Marcos: Yeah. Right. The Mexican government tried that for many years and it never helped. Do you really just want to piss off Los Zetas even more?

Bobby: Yeah, good point.

Marcos: So, what do we do?

Bobby: We get the boys together and run the fuck away from Mexico?

Melvin: Good plan!

Eligio looks around the room, counting below his breath before stopping.

Eligio: Hang on, there’s one guy that we’re missing.

Melvin: Huh. Yeah. Has anyone seen *beep* anyway?

Eligio: No. I kind of hope he’s alright.


The Tate: One of London’s premier attractions, designed solely for the purpose of displaying the worst possible art from deluded sociopaths and pretending that it means something to the world. Standing in a large room is That Other Random Guy, hands stuffed into the pockets of his leather jacket as he looks at a urinal, appearing distinctly unimpressed. A woman to his right, a fairly young woman with long blonde hair, wearing a denim jacket, a black t-shirt and jeans, stands there, hands clasped together as she examines the urinal with slightly more fervour.

That Other Random Guy: I’ll be honest, Melissa: It looks shit. In fact, it’s definitely shit. It’s pudding in a urinal: That is definitely shit.

Melissa [Scoffing]: What? Don’t you like art?

That Other Random Guy: It’s kind of hard to enjoy art when you’re surrounded by PMC soldiers.

That Other Random Guy glances around at the several PMC soldiers standing guard close to many art installations, as well as two standing guard on either side of the doorway.

Melissa: Mm. I know.

That Other Random Guy: But, yes, the art is shit too. I mean, come on, this is chocolate pudding in a fucking urinal! This isn’t art!

Melissa: It’s a metaphor for--

That Other Random Guy: Please don’t give me the whole ‘metaphor’ stuff, dear. It’s pudding in a urinal: It’s hardly Nietzsche or some shit.

Melissa: Open your mind, dear! You might find new horizons!

That Other Random Guy: Eligio said that before he whipped me on my first day.

A PMC soldier, standing next to a painting which is nothing more than a solid black colour, strolls over to That Other Random Guy. Almost instantly, he steps in front of the woman known as Melissa, narrowing his eyes.

That Other Random Guy [Coldly]: Fuck with my waifu and I end your lifeu.

PMC Soldier: ……..Okay then. I was merely going to mention that your shoelace is untied and you should probably tie it, just in case you trip over.

That Other Random Guy looks down, glancing at his right boot with the laces untied and loose.

That Other Random Guy: Oh.

PMC Soldier: Weirdo.

The PMC soldier walks away as That Other Random Guy falls onto one knee, tying his shoelace as Melissa looks down at him, giving a small laugh.

Melissa: You can take the boy away from the mercenaries….

That Other Random Guy: But he can’t stay away, even though I wish I fucking could.

Melissa: We’ll get you out of there one day.

That Other Random Guy: Preferably without Eligio or anyone else tailing me.

Melissa: Oh, we will! Trust me, I have my ways…


Bobby: I’m sure he’s alright, but now we’ve got to figure out how to escape the murderous clutches of Los Zetas.

Eligio: Well then, let us run!

Marcos: What about Melvin?

Eligio: Oh, him.

Melvin [Shaking his head]: I ain’t moving.

Eligio reaches into the back pocket of his jeans, pulling out a small bottle and a white rag. Eligio pours some liquid from the bottle onto the rag and walks towards Melvin, who watches him.

Melvin: What are you doing?

Eligio: Smell this for me.

Melvin [Cautiously]: Why?

Eligio: SMELL IT!!

Marcos moves behind Melvin, grasping his arms and holding them tightly by his sides. Melvin screams as Eligio quickly clasps the rag over Melvin’s nose and mouth. Melvin screams, dancing on the spot and shaking wildly.

Marcos: Eligio, chloroform is useless for knocking people out!

Eligio: Que?

Marcos: It takes five minutes for any effect to occur!

Eligio glares at Marcos, still holding Melvin tightly as his muffled screams pierce the air.

Eligio [Angrily]: WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO, THEN?!?!

Marcos walks over to Melvin and headbutts him roughly, knocking him out.

Bobby: Shit, Marcos, you know that’s not good for his health.

Marcos: Neither are hard drugs.

Eligio: He has a point.

Marcos: Is nobody else alarmed by the fact that Eligio openly carries chloroform and a rag with him?

Eligio [Looking down at the chloroform]: ………..It’s a habit.

Marcos: Attempting to knock people out is a habit these days?

Eligio: Well, it’s not effective, apparently!

Bobby: Look, let’s just bundle the fucker into the car and get the hell out of here.

Eligio: It won’t work!

Bobby: Well, we’ll fucking try it and see what happens!

Bobby grabs Melvin, slinging him over his left shoulder. He takes a deep breath, quickly barging through the wooden door and out into the streets, rushing towards his Mini Cooper. Marcos follows, but Eligio remains inside, his head peering around the corner of the doorway.

Eligio [Quietly]: No.

Bobby sighs, opening the rear doors of the Mini Cooper and throwing Melvin in as Marcos slowly climbs in beside him, their bodies cramped up. Bobby turns to the door, staring at Eligio.

Bobby: Look, mate, the first place that Los Zetas are gonna look is his own home. Now, if you want to sit there and get shot--

Eligio quickly rushes out of the house, slamming the door shut behind him.

Eligio [Quickly]: Well, let’s not waste any time!

Eligio sprints forward, diving into the passengers seat as Bobby crams himself into the driver’s seat, looking ahead and firing up the engine.

Bobby: You guys ready?

Marcos: Why do you have a Mini Cooper?!

Bobby: Y’know, I don’t really know. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Marcos: Bobby, man, we’ve got to get you a better car.

Bobby: But I like the Mini!

Marcos: Yeah, well, my knees don’t!

Bobby drives down the street, looking around as he does.

Bobby: Stop complaining and find me the best way to escape from this goddamn country.

Eligio: Over the border!

Marcos: Airport.


Eligio: Hey, why don’t we just hand Melvin over to Los Zetas? I mean, he IS a coward.

Bobby: We don’t just leave men behind, Eligio.

Eligio: But I don’t want to die!

Bobby sighs, shaking his head and focusing on the road ahead.

Bobby: If we die, can we please die with some dignity?

Eligio: I DON’T WANNA DIE!!!

Marcos: Hey, I’d like to avoid it too, y’know?

The car suddenly brakes, coming to a sudden stop.

Bobby: Well, that may be a little more difficult than we first envisaged.

Ahead of them, blocking the road, is a Panhard ERC 90 Lynx: A heavily armoured vehicle, roughly painted black by the new owners, with a turret pointed directly at Bobby’s Mini Cooper. To the left and right of the Lynx stand four heavily armed Los Zetas cartel soldiers on each side, aiming a menagerie of weaponry at the Mini Cooper.

Marcos: They even brought a tank.

Bobby: It’s fucking Tláhuac. How did they even get it here without the government noticing?!

Eligio: War economy. They blow us away, army swoops in and stops them: Everybody wins.

Marcos: Except us.

Eligio [Nodding]: Except us.

Marcos: So, this is it. Our own Bolivian Army ending.

Bobby: Man, I wish the Bolivian Army would show up right about now.

Eligio: Keep dreaming, Bobby. Let’s just die with dignity.

Bobby sighs, gripping the handle of the car door and looking ahead at the tank.

Bobby: So, I should step out and get riddled with bullets?

Eligio: You COULD accelerate forward and smash through some of them. They’d kill us but we’d go out with a bang.

Bobby sighs, gripping the steering wheel and staring ahead in despair..


Still cutting through the Aegean Sea is the U-Boat under the control of Robbie Steinhatten. Being swiftly followed by several submarines from Turkey’s own navy, the crew of the U-Boat are noticeably tense, with Benito manning the periscope and watching with extreme caution. Robbie stands nearby with his hands clasped behind his back, watching on with some confidence.

Robbie [Calmly]: I believe that we can take them on.

Benito: We really can’t. There’s several of them and I’m guessing they’re carrying the latest ordinance, not some rusty mines and torpedos.

Robbie: We can hit them with a one-two punch--

Lindemaan: No, sir, because that would be pure fucking insanity.

Robbie: Look, we’re still alive. That’s good enough.

Dave: For how long, Robbie? For how long?

Robbie [Angrily]: NOT LONG IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP!

Lindemaan: Sir, the Turks aren’t relenting.


Heinrich: No, we don’t. We carry on towards the Suez.

Dave: I wonder what happened to Ivan and his crew anyway.

Robbie: Who cares?

Dave: Well, many of us do.

Robbie [Coldly]: I swear to God, I will kill you.

Benito: Sir, we really need to focus on keeping ourselves moving. Don’t make the order to fire: We’ll be cut to pieces in minutes, maybe even seconds.

Robbie walks over to the radio where Rudolf is sitting, taking the handset.

Rudolf [Cautiously]: Sir--

Lindemaan: Don’t do this, Robbie. Seriously.

Dave: Seriously, Robbie: For fucks sake, let’s not antagonise the Turks!

Robbie [Gripping the handset]: …..Fi--

Dave quickly tackles Robbie to the floor by his legs, pinning him down. Lindemaan quickly moves in, holding down Robbie’s left arm with Benito leaping on Robbie’s right arm as Heinrich wrenches the handset from Robbie’s hand.

Heinrich [Quickly]: Focus on moving towards the Suez! Do not stop and fire for any reason! Keep moving!


The hulking forms of Steiner and Ludwig simply stand nearby, arms folded as Heinrich replaces the radio handset.

Dave: Find me some fucking rope!

Robbie: What the fuck?

Steiner stomps towards the bunks, emerging a few moments later with a bundle of rope. Dave reaches up and grasps the rope, hog-tying Robbie’s arms and legs behind his body, as well as tying a length of rope around his head and between his teeth, effectively gagging him. Lindemaan, Benito and Heinrich get to their feet as Dave stands up, dusting off his hands.

Dave: I’m taking command of this vessel now!

Dave leans down, grabbing Robbie’s fallen peaked cap and placing it on his own hand as Robbie writhes violently, glaring up at Dave.

Lindemaan: …..Well, what do we do?


Benito: Finally, our homeland!!

Steiner: What about Robbie?

Dave: We shall release him….IN THE CANAL! Nah, let’s just wait til we get home, he’s probably cranky from just eating Lunchables.

Robbie growls violently as Dave places his hands on his hips, puffing his chest out as he stares ahead..


In the Mercenary Academy, Lynch is standing outside of the door into Mother’s office once more. Lynch cricks his neck from side to side and knocks on the door.

Mother’s Voice: Come in.

Lynch opens the door and walks into the doorway, noticing that Joel Sykes, the brother of Bill whom he brought to the Sinai, is standing opposite the desk.

Mother: Looks like we’ll have to cut this short, so one last question: How are we doing, Joel?

Joel: Fine, ma’am. All systems are running at optimal power and the security is extremely tight. All connections and systems are being closely monitored.

Mother: Good. You can leave now.

Joel snaps his heels together and gives a swift salute before turning around, jogging past Lynch who walks into the room. Mother looks up at him, pointing to the chair opposite of her which Lynch sits on.

Lynch [Calmly]: Mother.

Mother: What can I do for you, Marcus?

Lynch: Just seeing how things are.

Mother: Was the idea of a holiday really so bad that you cannot enjoy it without visiting me constantly?

Lynch [Wryly]: You know me, Mother.

Mother: Indeed. I know you well. We are still awaiting news from Karelia and Father’s First Company.

Lynch: No problems?

Mother: Father’s Children is one of the best companies under our command. I have no worries about their capabilities.

Lynch: Well, that makes one of us.

Mother: I know that you wanted to be a part of the assault, Lynch--

Lynch [Laughing]: What? In Finland? Fuck that. I just don’t trust a bunch of overpaid nancies.

Mother [Sternly]: Do not underestimate them, Lynch. There are extraordinary soldiers within that company.

Lynch: I’m sure there are. Every single one grossly overpaid.

Mother sighs, shaking her head.

Mother [Calmly]: You really are an asshole sometimes, Lynch.

Lynch [Giving a wry smile]: Never heard you curse before, Mother.

Mother: Well, you bloody push it!

A knock raps out against the door.

Mother: Come in.

The door opens and Lynch looks over his shoulder: Standing in the doorway is Dick, the owner and barman of the Lamb and Flag in Beale Street.

Lynch: Dick.

Dick: ‘Ello, Marcus.

Lynch: …..Why are you here?

Dick: Excuse me, but I happen to be an invaluable member of--

Lynch: No, I mean away from the bar. Who the hell’s protecting it?

Dick: I’ve given that new furry English lad a broomstick. He should beat the fuck out of anyone and besides: Frank’s not here.

Lynch: Do you really think that Kane can fight off a bunch of mercenaries with a broomstick?

Dick: There’s still only a few lads out there. He can handle them.

Mother: Take a seat, Dick.

Dick sits down next to Lynch.

Mother: What brings you here?

Dick: Mother, we’re out of pork scratchings.

Mother [Calmly]: Is that why you’re here, Dick?

Dick: The guys really love pork scratchings. Morale and all that. Also, I picked up some chatter from some French Foreign Legionnaires who were in a few days ago.

Mother: Go on.

Dick: Well, y’know that shite in Karelia? Apparently, the French have also found a facility in Grenoble.

Lynch: More furries?

Dick: Oh, this ain’t anthropomorphic soldiers. Apparently, these are human test subjects. Fully human.

Mother: ….Now that is interesting.

Lynch: So, a fully-fledged continuation of the Perfect Soldier Project and Next-Generation Special Forces?

Dick: They aren’t living. From what I could hear, they were just stuck in vats without being activated, but it sounds like the project is in full swing.

Mother: Then I will certainly have to get in contact with the academy over in France and have more men look into it.

Lynch: What are we worried about anyway?

Dick: Aside from furries running around? I don’t fancy having to fight off super soldiers, especially super soldiers under order from Ocelot. Can you imagine if he controls both SoP and super soldiers? Fucking insanity all around.

Mother [Grasping the phone’s handset]: I’ll get something sorted. My my, it has been quite busy these past few months.

Lynch: Kind of like the calm before a storm.

Mother: Then let us prepare for ourselves long before the storm strikes….Both of you can leave now.

Lynch and Dick rise to their feet, turning and leaving the room as Mother sighs, sitting back in her chair and dialling a number on the telephone..


The U-Boat is, thankfully, making headway towards Port Said which will, hopefully, allow them to finally disembark the U-boat.  Unfortunately for them, the Turkish Navy remains in hot pursuit, with several submarines chasing after them for daring to violate Turkish territory. Dave is busy watching through the periscope as Benito sits beside him on the radio, looking up at him.

Benito: What do we do, Dave?

Dave: As the new acting Admiral, we keep moving towards the Suez!

Benito: Uh, sir, we’re at the Suez.

Dave [Quietly]: ….Then why are the Turks continuing to follow us?

The U-boat shudders slightly as it enters into Port Said and the northern terminus of the Suez Canal. Dave, still watching through the periscope, notices that the Turkish Navy aren’t relenting and are continuing to pursue them.

Heinrich: Sir, at this rate, we’ll probably be leading them on a Benny Hill-style chase around the world. Quite literally.

Dave: Don’t these bastards know about the Convention of Constantinople?!

Lindemaan: ……..The what?

Dave: Article One of the Convention of Constantinople states that, and I quote, “the Suez Maritime Canal shall always be free and open, in time of war as in time of peace, to every vessel of commerce or of war, without distinction of flag.” These bastard Turks are ignoring it!

Lindemaan: To be fair, we are in a state of global war where even the Geneva Convention has been ignored. It’s not surprising that they’d ignore…the Convention of Constantinople.

Heinrich: Istanbul?

Lindemaan: No, Constantinople.

Heinrich: Istanbul?

Robbie’s muffled screams echo throughout the cabin as he wriggles violently, still tied up tightly and laid on the floor. He rolls towards Heinrich, slamming into his ankles and causing him to fall forward onto the floor.

Lindemaan: Thank goodness for that.

Benito [Holding the radio handset]: Sirs, I’m receiving a request for communication.

Dave: Go for it.

Benito: ….WHO IS IT?!

Voice from Handset: This is Admiral Khazi of the Egyptian Navy. Who is this?!

Benito: This is U-Boat--

Admiral Khazi [Sighing bitterly]: Not the fucking U-boat again..

Dave: That’s us! Little help, mate?

Admiral Khazi: Fuck off!

Hushed Voice from Handset: Admiral, the Turks are getting extremely close to us..

Admiral Khazi: Great, so we don’t have any choice. Now the Turks are going to send their fucking PMC after us..

Hushed Voice: They don’t have a PMC..


Hushed Voice: Let’s just help them. We can scuttle their pathetic U-boat when the war is over.

Admiral Khazi: …..Alright, alright, guess we’re going to have to bring the full force of the Egyptian Navy.

Benito: So, all five rowing boats?

Admiral Khazi [Angrily]: FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! STUPID PIG!     
Benito [Chuckling]: Holy shit, I think I upset him.

Dave: Shut up, Benito, we need their fucking help!

The Turkish Navy suddenly stops, close to the terminus of the Suez. Seeing the Egyptian aircraft carrier, it appears as if they have decided that its best to not upset an opponent who could actually destroy them.

Admiral Khazi: They’ve stopped. This is the first, and only, time that we are helping. Go. Now.

Benito: But you didn’t even do--

Dave: Thanks matey! ONWARDS!

The U-boat lurches forward, turning slightly as it heads towards a specially constructed submarine pen, docking inside and providing a safe haven for the crew of the U-boat to finally disembark and set foot on dry land.

Admiral Khazi [Quietly]: I’m going to demolish that fucking pen and make sure you can’t come back.

Dave: Yes, well, until then: Ciao!....Benito, put the goddamn radio away.

Benito switches the radio off, replacing the handset.

Lindemaan: I wonder why the Admiral does not know that we have been contracted by the Egyptian Government to go on these skirmishes.

Dave: Limited liability, mate: If we got captured or shot, they don’t want to link us back to the Egyptians. War economy is a funny thing, mate.

Lindemaan: So that’s why they gave us the cyanide capsules.

Heinrich: Cyanide capsules?

Dave: Yeah, those weird false teeth they gave us. They have hidden cyanide capsules in them.

Heinrich: Huh. So that’s why Hess died after biting his tongue.

Dave: Hess was a useless shit anyway.

Benito: What should we do about Robbie?

Dave [Shrugging]: Leave him. He owns the U-Boat and I’m sure he’d rather have some alone time on his vessel.

Heinrich: We can come ashore, though?

Dave: Ye--

A huge uproar occurs as several members of the U-Boat staff immediately make a mad scramble for the ladder up towards the hatch. As the U-boat empties, Robbie simply lays there, rocking in motion with the U-boat as he lets loose a heavy sigh.

Robbie [Quietly]: Fuck the world and everyone on it..

The scene fades to black.

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