Sunday, 29 June 2014

Chapter IX - Like A Ballad For The Disenchanted

The scene opens to where we left off: With the mercenaries facing off against Vamp, who now leaps up onto the upper catwalk of the room. Raiden steps forward, but suddenly stops, a knife having been thrown down behind him and landing in his shadow. The mercenaries swiftly look around before looking at Raiden who is standing as still as a statue.

Lynch: Uh...

Johan: Why don't you..move?

Raiden: He's paralysed me.

Lynch [Desperately]: HOW?!

Raiden: He's pinned my shadow to the floor--


Jon's head slowly pops up behind Jericho.

Jon: In this universe, everything fucking goes.

Jericho sighs, lowering his head and shaking it.

Jericho [Quietly, darkly]: You're right, Jon. So right.

Raiden [Sighing]: Well, anything that could help would be appreciated.

Tavi: Shadow-related paralysis is outside of my area of expertise.

Dean: So, what now?

Raiden: Little help?

Tavi [Impatiently]: We can't.

Vamp swiftly lands on the catwalk, slowly walking over to Raiden as sweat begins to roll down his brow.

Raiden: Please?

Phil runs up behind Vamp and taps him on the shoulder. Vamp spins around and Phil puts his index finger and thumb together on both hands, grinning brightly.


Phil grips Vamp's nipples, twisting them violently. Vamp's expression doesn't change. Phil quickly glances up at Vamp, his face falling fearfully.

Phil: Awww shit.

Vamp [Coldly]: Let go.

Phil quickly releases the grip. Vamp raises his right hand, delivering a ferocious back-handed slap to Phil who flies backwards as if shot out of a cannon, flying backwards into Dean and Karab and sending all three of them to the floor.

Tenpenny: Now, that was a slap. However, having insulted the honour of my friends, I CHALLENGE THEE TO FISTICUFFS!!

Tenpenny walks forward, adopting a Queensberry Rules stance as he approaches Vamp. Vamp spins around as Tenpenny bobs on the spot.

Vamp [Underwhelmed]: ....Hello?

Tenpenny [Energetically]: HAVE AT THEE!

Tenpenny throws forward a swift right jab, hitting Vamp directly in the jaw. Vamp simply stands there, cracking his jaw as Tenpenny blinks rapidly, looking down at his fist in surprise.

Jeeves: Sir, you may need to resort to the brass knuckles.

Tenpenny simply walks backwards, chewing on his pipe and stroking his chin. Johan walks over to Raiden and grabs his SOCOM pistol from the holster, pulling it out and methodically firing one shot at each of the lights glaring down in the room. The room is plunged halfway to darkness, with visibility lowered, but Raiden quickly flexes his arms.

Raiden: I'M FREE!!

Eligio: Johan, you really are a great guy.

Johan [|Handing the pistol to Raiden]: In all honesty, i'm just getting sick of this now.

Marcos: I agree.

Raiden: HOW?!

Lynch: .......No idea.


Fabien runs forward and clotheslines Vamp roughly. Vamp simply reels backwards. Fabien stands there, turning back to the mercenaries and walking towards them.

Fabien: Fuck eet.

Ivan rushes forward, arms raised and holding two frag grenades.

Ivan: VE DIE FOR MOSCOW!!!!!!!!!!

Lynch clears his throat. Marcos and Johan rush forward, grasping his arms and dragging him backwards.

Frank: Not in an enclosed space, Ivan.

Johnny: Yeah, we quite like being intact!

Ivan: I VILL AVENGE ZE TEAM!!! One day!

Vamp: Every second that counts down is just another second towards Arsenal Gear launching.

Dave: So just let us kill you!

Vamp throws several knives towards Dave. Dave scream, throwing himself to the ground as the knives embed in the wall behind him.

Vamp [Calmly]: No, that would just be stupid.

Frank: He's right, Dave--

Dave [Angrily, pointing up at Frank]: Fuck you, you little shit!

Raiden swiftly swings up his SOCOM pistol: Vamp reaches to his right, grabs the gun and rips it from Raiden's grasp. With his inhuman strength, he simply squeezes it in both hands and crushes it, rendering it useless, before dropping it onto the floor as a pile of crushed, twisted metal.

Vamp: Please don't interrupt us.

Raiden [Eyes tearing up]: MY GUN!

Lynch: Seriously, get fucking stepping so we can kill your employer.

Vamp: Why would I say 'yes'?

Lynch: Oh, sorry, you thought that was a request? That was a threat.

Vamp: Do you really think your threats work?

Billy: Ach, I was wondering that too--

Lynch [Quietly, aside to Billy]: Shut up, Scot.

Vamp: Raiden must die. As must the rest of you. I guess.

Phil: Well, fuck you too!

Maurice slowly takes off his AKS, unwrapping the lanyard from around his body and holding it behind him, taking a few steps forward and standing in front of Raiden. Raiden swiftly looks up, carefully taking the rifle.

Vamp: That's not nice. I could set up your life insurance policies.

Frank: What on earth would be the point?

Vamp: Your families can take solace in money, rather than your torn, tattered corpses.

Karab: You really aren't nice, are you?

Moe: That's an understatement.

Vamp [Yawning]: Right, well, time to di--

Raiden: EAT LEAD!!

Raiden swiftly swings up the AKS and fires several shots at Vamp who simply stands there as the bullets pound into his chest, leaving ragged, red holes. Vamp looks down at the holes before looking up at Raiden.

Vamp [Calmly]: My dear Raiden, how many times must you shoot me before you understand that I cannot die?

Johan: So, here's a question: How do we kill this guy?

Dean: Silver bullets?

Samuel: Holy water?

Eligio: The power of sunlight?

Sal [Stepping forward, puffing his chest out]: INTERPRETIVE DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bob: Dear God no.

Maurice: I got a bloody good idea.

Marcos: What?

Maurice reaches into the back of his fatigues, pulling out a copy of "Bisexual Flamenco Dancers" and throwing it into the pool. Vamp quickly dives down into the pool, stopping suddenly as his arms hit the water.

Vamp: That wasn't a nice trick.

Eligio: What--What are you doing with a copy of that, holmes?

Maurice [Shrugging]: Never know when it might come in handy, lad.

Vamp's arms and body slowly begin sinking into the water as he glares up at the mercenaries.

Vamp [Darkly]: Assholes.

Raiden: Good riddance!

Tim: Now that is a good way to kill a man!

Vamp finally sinks underwater, beginning to fall to the bottom of the pool like a stone.

Raiden: He's finally dead!

Vamp [Gurgling]: I'll be back later!


Jon: A. F. N.

Brick: Always Fuckin' Nanomachines.

Vamp disappears from sight. Lynch looks down into the pool, shaking his head.

Lynch: Well, at least he'll stick around for the sequel.

Bob: Does he have to?

Lynch: Remember the future.

Bob: Oh yeah, crazy cyborg ninja and bisexual flamenco dancing vampire knife-fighter battles drawing in pay-per-view revenue.

Brick: Only fer the Half Moon, though!

Raiden: Look, whatever this conversation is about, it can stop: We have to rescue Emma Emmerich.

Jon: Well, lead the way.

Raiden heads through the automatic door on the right, behind the filtration pool. The mercenaries follow, turning left and heading down a short corridor. At the end of this corridor is, what else? A sure sign of flooding, with the steps downwards covered with water, indicating another lengthy swimming section ahead. Tavi sighs, fiddling with her top.

Tavi: Again....?


Lynch and Raiden exchange looks before snapping their fingers in unison. The scene fades to black.

The scene opens with Lemmy, the famous vocalist of Motorhead, standing in front of the camera in a darkened room.

Lemmy: This is a serious plea. The British government has taken steps to remove the fun of smoking for everyone. Packets replaced by blank exteriors. Warning messages plastered everywhere. Disgusting images of cancers plastered on the box. Though I may have stopped smoking, there is no doubt that it has leant itself to same of the most famous voices in the world. For the sake of the future of British rock and metal, please: Overthrow the fucking Government.

The lights flicker on behind Lemmy, revealing a warehouse filled to the brim with individual packets of cigarettes. Lemmy simply stands there, nodding solemnly as Lynch walks behind him, looking around.

Lynch: Oh, sweet Jesus, we landed in a non sequitur.

Phil Taylor, the guitarist of Motorhead, sneaks up behind Lynch and snaps his fingers. The scene fades to black.

The mercenaries are huddled onto a very small patch of non-flooded coridoor outside of a door. Unfortunately for them, this patch is so small that several mercenaries are floating in the water, with Tim, Johnny, Maurice, Ivan, Fabien, Brick and Bob floating around in the water.

Tim: Uh, boss? Can we move?

Lynch nods at Raiden. Raiden steps forward, cricking his neck from side to side.

Raiden: Alright, alright..

Johnny: Seriously. We're getting, y'know, wet here!!

Bill: Behind this door is someone even more geekier than Vince.

Jon: Not fucking possible.

Brick: At all. EVER!

Lynch steps towards the door, stopping and looking over his shoulder, grimacing.

Lynch: Really? Geekier than that thing over there?


The mercenaries turn their heads, looking at Vince, then at the Washu-bot standing beside him. Vince turns his head, looking at the Washu-bot.

Vince: ............Oh.

Karab [Screaming]: AAYO GURKHALI!!!!!!!!!

Karab charges forward, pushing aside several mercenaries and bursting through the door.

Frank: What's with him?

Dean [Shrugging]: I don't know. He's been getting more and more aggressive. Do Gurkha's evolve or something when they reach a certain age? Like Pokemon?

Billy: Nah, the planet's still intact. We could nae handle evolved Gurkha's.

Lynch: Well...........let's follow him.

The mercenaries and Raiden follow Karab into the room.


The mercenaries and Raiden file into the room. Karab is in the middle of the room. his kukri around his head, turning in a circle repeatedly.


Samuel: Uh, Karab?

Karab stops, looking over at Samuel.

Karab: Yeah?

Samuel: Can you stop? You're scaring us.

Karab: Alright. Someone's in the locker.

The mercenaries walk down the steps a few steps forward and to their left as Raiden turns directly to the left, logging into the node. The room is little more than a glorified locker room, with several metal lockers, with sliding doors, surrounding the north, east and western sides of the room. The mercenaries look around as Karab points his kukri at the middle locker to the north of the room.

Tim [Walking into the room, shaking himself dry]: Bloody hell, I hate swimming!

Fabien, wearing nothing but a pair of speedos, walks in, whistling to himself.

Tavi [Humming quietly]: Oh, I don't know, it has its advantages....

Maurice [Walking in, sopping wet]: Feck swimming.

Lynch: Shut up, all of you. Karab? Open it.

Karab: You're trusting me?

Lynch: Yes. Do it.

Karab grasps the handle of the door, wrenching it open. Standing there is a young woman, her hair tied in a bun behind her, wearing glasses, red trainers, what appears to be a pair of black bicycle shorts, a pink shirt with three-quarter black sleeves and a white lanyard around her neck with an identity card attached to it.

Vince: Aw, she's cute!

Lynch: You're all scaring her!


Frank: We're aliens.

Tim: You may be, but we resent that remark!

Sal: Frank resembles that remark!

Frank: First it's drunkard jokes, then water jokes, and now you're calling me an alien?....Are you guys running out of material?

Sal [Sadly]: Yes. Distinct lack of material.

Emma, much unlike her brother, lunges up from the locker, grabbing Sal by his throat and chewing violently on his forehead. The mercenaries reel backwards, taken aback by the sudden display of violence and ferocity from the young woman. Sal screams wildly, punching her roughly in the kidneys.

Tim: Wow, that's nasty.

Frank: Almost as nasty as Dave's finger.

Tavi grins, grasping her scalpel once more as Dave's head snaps towards her, eyes flashing dangerously.

Tavi [Sweetly]: Time to debride the flesh!

Dave [Bluntly]: Fuck right off.

Robbie: Hey, you don't want to die, do you? Gangrene's a killer.

Dave: Don't care.

Sal punches Emma roughly in the kidneys and she reels back. Sal clenches his right fist and pulls it back, only for it to lift his left foot higher than normal and kick Emma straight in the jaw. Emma reels backwards, spitting out a glob of blood as Sal reels back, clutching his head which is bleeding profusely

Sal [Angrily, In pain]: FUCKING BITCH!!!


Lynch: We're mercenaries. [Jabbing his thumb towards Raiden] He's Raiden. He's here to rescue you. We're completely apathetic to it all.

Emma: Rescue me? You're lying! Where are you taking me this time?!

Raiden: Look, i'm here to help!

Emma: Prove it!

Raiden: I have nanomachi--

Jon screams violently, his muscles clenching as he roars violently to the heavens.

Lynch [Angrily]: No. You have something to say, you're going to have to FUCKING SAY IT SO WE CAN ALL HEAR!!

Emma: How can I trust--

Jericho walks forward, pulling out one of his L9A1 Browning pistols and pointing it at her. Emma simply glares at Jericho.

Jericho [Impatiently]: This gun here says that you will trust us.

Emma [Angrily]: FASCIST PIG!!!

Emma lashes her right leg out, kicking Jericho in the shin. Jericho yells in pain, hopping around and clutching his shin.

Jericho [Angrily]: FUCKING SLAG!!!

Raiden [Stepping forward]: Look, I'm here to rescue you--

Emma gets to her feet, slapping Raiden roughly across the cheek. Raiden reels backwards. Vince charges forward for no apparent reason, only for Emma to throw him over her shoulder and sending him smashing into the locker behind her.

Washu-bot [Sweatdropping]: Hoo boy.

Eligio rushes forward, measuring her up. Emma aims a slap at him, but he catches it, moving behind her and locking her arm behind her back.

Emma [Angrily]: LET ME GO!!!

Eligio [Struggling]: BITCH IS STRONG!!

Raiden [Hesitantly]: L-Look! We're here to rescue you!

Emma: I don't need any help! I was just waiting for someone to open that fucking locker!

Frank: We need someone to stop Arsenal!!! We need YOUR help!!

Emma stops struggling, looking at Frank who steps backwards.

Emma: Who told you I could stop Arsenal?

Raiden [Quickly]: The President.

Emma [Thinking]: ...Sounds about right. A bunch of little boys needing help from a woman.

Tavi [Quietly]: Exactly what they need.

Raiden: Look, we need you to come with us to Shell One. Your brother's waiting for you there..

Emma: My brother?

Raiden: We have to get moving! This place'll be flooded soon!

Raiden moves forward, holding out his hand. Emma responds by punching him roughly in the jaw. Raiden reels back, clutching his lower lip which has been busted open, dripping blood down into the water that is beginning to flow into the room.

Will: Looks like someone's leaking! We're going to need a certain.....person to fix it.

Will looks pointedly at Eligio, who has since rolled up the ankles of his fatigues. Eligio slowly raises his head, looking at Will before standing up straight.

Eligio [Angrily]: You fucking racist! Just because i'm Hispanic, you think I know all about plumbing? I'm a qualified accountant, you puto!!!!

Johan: That's why he runs our garage.

Eligio [Stepping forward, jabbing his finger into Will's chest]: SO DON'T YOU FUCKIN' THINK THAT I CAN REPAIR PIPES, YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!!

Eligio slaps Will roughly across the cheek. Emma clears her throat.

Emma: Look, if I could break up the lovers quarrel for one second: I can't swim.

Raiden: You used to love swimming!

Emma [Looking at Raiden suspiciously]: .....How did you know?

Raiden: Your brother told me over Codec.

Frank  [Sarcastically]: Boy, I am so glad we were told this piece of important information.

Emma: So, he's here?

Raiden: He's here to rescue you!

Emma [Irritably]: That sack of shit? He would never come for me!

Raiden: ....Well...uh....he's waiting for us in Shell One--

Emma: That piece of shit left me and my mother when we needed him the most! When my father died, all he could think of was himself!

Raiden: Yeah, we can go over all that later. First, we have to get out of here, cause this place is flooding.

Tenpenny: That would be quite helpful.

Emma: But I can't swim.

Raiden: You can do it!

Emma: I can't.

Raiden: You ca--

Emma storms forward, grabbing Raiden roughly by the collar of his sneaking suit and pulling him closer.

Emma [Coldly]: Look, you little bishonen shit, I almost drowned when I was a child and that cunt did nothing to help that. Now, unless you want me to kill you and paddle your corpse across the water, you will shut up.

Raiden: I'll guide you!

Marcos [Stepping forward]: I'll do it.

Emma looks between Raiden and Marcos. She moves behind Marcos and leaps onto his back, wrapping her arms around his neck and her legs around his back.

Emma: Lead the way!

Raiden [Scoffing]: What does he have that I don't?!

Tavi: Muscles?

Frank: Height?

Jericho: Strength?

Phil: He doesn't look like a little bitch?

Raiden: Look, we'll head to Filter Chamber Two and take a break.

Lynch: Sounds good to me: More pointless padding and back-tracking.

Tavi: Ah, chief, get used to it!

Maurice: Lad, can we get going? The bloody water's getting higher, man!

Frank: Let's get going, then.

Emma leans her head forward over the shoulder of Marcos, fiddling with her glasses and taking them off.

Marcos: You should wear contacts.

Emma: Pff, there's nothing wrong with my eyes, I just wear these for show!

Moe: ...Why?

Emma: I like glasses. And, y'know, there's this guy I liked who used to wear them..

Tim: First boyfriend?

Emma: No, someone more important. But, they bring me luck, so...let's get going!

The mercenaries begin filing outside of the room, with Billy and Bill carrying Vince away. Aside from Moe. Moe's face is focused on as he looks at the reader.

Moe [Directly to the reader]: Look, buddy, we know that going through the whole swimming and back-tracking thing is tedious. I mean, let's face it, Kojima padded this game to make it longer and it still sucks! Anyway, what Lynch doesn't know is that I can timeskip too. It's best to get this over and done with, yeah? Well, let's do it!

Moe snaps his fingers. The scene suddenly goes black.


The mercenaries re-appear in filtration chamber number two, where they fought Vamp earlier. Maurice looks around, turning to the level four door that they walked through.

Maurice: Moe, where are yeh--

Moe: Right here.

Moe, now completely shirtless and still showing up the rest of the mercenaries in terms of fitness, walks through the door, shaking himself dry.

Emma; I remembered my brother giving me a piggyback ride.....I was sleeping with my ear against his back.....I could hear his heartbeat....

Marcos: Sounds like you were close.

Emma: Back then. Stepchildren in our parent's second marriages. Wherever my brother went, I used to tag along. My brother didn't have any close friends, so he used to take care of me. We both wanted to be loved so much that we.....uh....used to pretend..................

Jeeves [Tiredly]: Sir, the tea has boiled.

Tenpenny [Jovially]: SPLENDID!

The mercenaries look over at Jeeves, who somehow managed to swim all this way carrying a full set-up for tea. He has since set up a cast-iron teapot on an iron stand over a portable heater. He pours a cup for Tenpenny and holds it up to him.

Jeeves: From Norwich, sir. Which I think may be a precursor to what she's about to say.

Tenpenny takes a drink, stopping suddenly.

Phil: Incest? No way--

Emma: My brother was the husband and I was the wife....It was always just make believe.....We were only kids....

Phil: Jesus.

Tenpenny: You know, I think I may quit this mercenary business. The company we're paid to protect is quite disturbing.

Steve: You got paid?

Johan: I'd love to get paid.

Raiden holds his hand over his right ear.

Raiden: Alright....we need to get her over to Shell One.....

Phil: With the connecting bridge destroyed? Looks like we'll be flying again.

Raiden: Nah. There's....Hold on, Colonel.....There's an oil fence we can take that will take us to the bottom of Strut L.

Moe looks at the reader, giving a small wink.

Maurice: Fuckin' hell. No good for us big lads.

Raiden: Snake, we're heading your way....[To Lynch]...They're in the computer room. Say that Shell One is deserted.

Lynch: .....I guess that means the Polish and Reapers have headed home, then.

Raiden: Otacon, I'm putting Emma on....My Codec as a relay.

Emma sighs, hopping off of Marcos's back.

Phil: If we're going to have a lengthy feeling meeting, can I get a cuppa?

Tenpenny: Of course! Jeeves! Serve!

Jeeves pours out several cups of tea which Steve, Jericho, Phil, Tim, Moe and Maurice take, drinking as they walk around.

Emma [Coldly]: I wanted to hurt you. I wanted to see you suffer.

Eligio: Wow.

Vince: She's...awfully mean.

Sal: Just because she kicked your ass.

Vince [Scoffing]: She chewed your head!

Bill: Yeah, but Sal got in a few good kidney punches.

Sal grins and nods, raising his right fist slightly.


Moe: Getting awfully heated over there.

Maurice: Ignore them.

Lynch [Sighing darkly and rubbing his eyes]: So close to getting the fuck out of here.

Frank: Just hang in there, Lynch. We'll be out soon.

Raiden: Got'cha, Snake. I'll head over there with Emma........Don't worry, I'll get her there.

Raiden turns to Emma.

Raiden: We're going--

Emma rushes over to Marcos, hopping onto his back and locking her arms and legs around him.

Emma [Cheerfully]: Ready!

Bob: Damn, Stoofer, you've got a parasite on your back!

Marcos: Will's on my back, too?

The mercenaries laugh amongst themselves. Will scowls, biting his tongue to prevent him from retorting which would surely lead to Marcos annihilating him. The mercenaries head forward, walking through the door that leads to the same water they passed through to get into the filtration chamber.

Marcos: Right, here we go.

Raiden: Emma, Snake and Hal are waiting for us near Shell One's computer room.

Raiden reaches behind him, reaching into a pouch of some description and pulls out the disc he was given by the President. Emma looks down at him, sighing and hopping off of Marcos's back. In the filtration chamber, the mercenaries stop, looking through the open door.

Billy: Och, please don't me a lengthy diatribe is following..

Raiden: I've got this disc that the President gave me, it supposedly contains a virus that can corrupt Arsenal Gear's operating system. We need you to--
Emma: Uh, that's my program.
Raiden [Taken aback]: Wait, what?

Emma: Why did the President give it to you?

Raiden falls silent.

Billy: Feck, there is.

Emma: Did something happen to--

Raiden: The President's dead.

Emma [Shocked]: What?

Raiden: You actually wrote this virus?

Emma: It's not really a virus. It's more like a worm cluster. It's actually a delayed effect autonomous program that's designed to invade GW's cerebrum and render its nerve connections useless.

Dean: Really? You're just going to gloss over the fact that the President is dead?

Raiden: Well, it's over. He got shot.


Phil: Wait, the Prime Minister got shot? Oh God, England will descend into chaos!

Lynch [Coldly]: Fuck off, runt.

Ivan: But President Putin is--

Raiden [Ignoring the mercenaries]: You know what GW is?

Emma: Yeah. I created it.

Raiden:......I see....I......How about the Patriots? Ever heard of them?

Emma: Yes, but I only know what i've been told.

Raiden: Can you tell me what you know?

Emma: It's kinda hard and long-winded. And unnecessarily convoluted.

Raiden: We're all used to it.

Johnny: We really are.

Tavi [Folding her arms]: So, this is what you get up to while trying to save the world?

Phil: Yeah. Pretty shit, ain't it?

Tavi: Didn't know there was so much plot.

Phil: I swear there was a lot less plot in the original. I think this is where Kojima starts losing his mind and throwing a hissy fit rather than, y'know, actually contributing decent ideas and writing.

Raiden: The President said that Arsenal Gear was the Patriots' key to supremacy.

Emma: Pretty much.

Raiden: What exactly is it?

Emma: Well, it may look like a gigantic death-dealing fortress, but it's actually a massive data processing system capable of controlling information on a global scale.

Raiden [Taken aback]: processing system?

Emma: Yep. The system is a social device for maintaining the Patriots' control.

Raiden: You've lost me.

Frank: You've lost us all.

Emma: In this day and age, information emerges from every direction and is freely distributed. Usually to share funny videos of cats and selfies, but this variety of information, gathered by servers employing the latest in high-speed communication networks and P2P technology is rapidly circulated to individuals. In fact, the speed of this circulation process is accelerating on an almost daily basis, and the Patriots are afraid of this. They believe this will shift their role from dominant to dominated.

Raiden: Still lost.

Emma: Let me give you an example: Solid Snake's Metal Gear activities. That's just a small sample of uncontrolled information. I can guarantee you that the Patriots did not want Solid Snake's name publicised. Now, look at it like this: Political scandal, corporate corruption....Up until now, the Patriots have managed to keep a lid on these and other self-servinge events. But with their existing data processing system, they cannot effectively control the flow of information generated at the individual level.

Raiden: ....Right.

Emma: With the newly created system, they can fully regulate digital information. High-level information can be categorised in stages, given clearance levels and deleted as necessary, never to be seen by the public. By deleting such information, the Patriots can shape the course of history as they see fit.

Lynch: Cunts.

Phil: That's America for you.

Raiden: But, somebody's bound to catch on--

Emma: --Nope. The memory capacity, not to mention the life span of the average individual, is extremely limited. On the other hand, digital information lasts virtually forever. It doesn't deteriorate.

Raiden: So....?

Emma: The alphabet. Twenty-six letters, right? It could've been thirty letters. What if the four deleted letters were controlled by a program?

Raiden: Impossible.

Emma: It's not. In fact, something similar is already underway. Do you know how many genes exist in an individual?

Raiden: About thirty to forty thousand?

Emma: Right, that's what was announced at the turn of the century. But there's actually one hundred thousand, according to the original theory advanced by the scientific community. Information regarding the remaining sixty thousand was suppressed by the Patriots.

Raiden: No....?

Frank: That does sound like bullshit.

Bob: I agree.

Emma: Why? How would you know? Do you know what a gene looks like? Did you count them yourself?

Raiden: There are research organizations.

Emma: Of course, and their reports have already been subtly altered. They've even beginning to believe the doctored reports. GW is a system that allows the Patriots to decide what will be recorded in tomorrow's history.

Raiden: So, what we're talking about is one huge censorship system for deleting information which might be inconvenient to the Patriots?

Emma: Yep. The actual, physical core for handling the task, GW, is installed in Arsenal. It's the only system in the world with an optic neutral AI that has a parallel processing capacity of nine hundred and eighty trillion hammets.

Phil: Kirk Hammetts?

Vince: No, Phil.

Raiden: I suppose that being a specialist in neural AI and complex logic played a significant role in your association with the Metal Gear project.

Emma: That's not the only reason...

Raiden: What do you mean?

Emma remains silent.

Raiden: ....Well, I guess there are plenty of other reasons--

Emma: Yes, there are.

Raiden: I understand...

Emma: Really?

Raiden [Quickly changing the subject]: So, Arsenal Gear was actually designed to protect the GW system, wasn't it?

Emma: Uh, yes. It's armed with everything including nuclear weapons and is fully equipped with cyber-terrorist countermeasures. Physically and logically, it is the ultimate fortress for housing GW.

Raiden: But is the AI actually capable of controlling everything?

Emma: No. GW is only the system's core. It's only for deciding what data is stored or deleted. The actual sub-system for executing the task exists within our social structure.

Raiden: What?!

Lynch: This is getting ludicrous now.

Emma: Do you remember the Y2K problem at the end of the century? If you recall, our government supplied the world with a countermeasure program, using the internet at full capacity. The program was distributed to every governmental organisation, every key facility, throghout the world. In addition, the same program was included in an OS application for distribution among the public.


Raiden: Let me guess, the Y2K countermeasure contained a program designed by the Patriots?

Emma: Yes, and everything supplied from that day onward contains the same program.

Raiden: Impossible.

Emma: Do you know how a computer operates? Do you really know the basic principles on how  data is exchanged? Nobody's aware of it, but there's a sub-system in place. And it's about to be activated.

Lynch [Sighing darkly, pretending to check his watch]: Lynch is getting bored here.

Raiden: Is that why Solidus wants to burn out every electrical circuit in Manhattan with a nuclear blast?

Emma: Probably, but the overall system isn't actually complete.

Raiden: What?

Emma: It still lacks the necessary factors for judging situations. I heard they were planning a major experiment in the next few days to provide complex data for GW to study.....and suddenly this all happens...

Raiden: Emma, it's not your fault. If it wasn't for the terrorists..

Frank: I smell a rat.

Bob: Conspiracy theories are Jon's territory.

Jon: Fuck off. This stinks.

Emma: That's all I know.

Raiden: Right. Thanks. I think we'd better head for the computer room.

Emma: My bird! In the computer room! Is he safe!?

Raiden: That noisy, overgrown parakeet?

Emma: He's my best friend!........My only friend.

Bill: What a sad existence. Kind of like Vince.


Vince turns, fluttering his eyebrows lovingly at the Washu-bot.

Sal: I'm unplugging that thing if you take it home with us.

Raiden: Well, the bird's okay.

Emma: Good. Did you know that, in the old days, miners used to take a canary into the mine shaft to detect toxic gas?

Phil [Piping up]: Did you know that miners in the North used to shove people into mine shafts to detect toxic gas?

Jericho: Bloody hell, really?

Phil: Yeah. No wonder Thatcher shut them down. Bitch. It's how we let the strong survive and the weak die!

Tim: Are you telling me that the North of England had a system in place similar to the Spartan's Agoge?

Phil: Yep. We even wrestled with whippets at birth to prove we were strong enough.

Steve: While wearing flat caps?

Phil [Suddenly adopting a thick Yorkshire accent]: Aye, t'flat caps t'prove we were t'strong,

Emma: Well, he was just there because I needed somebody to talk to.

Raiden: Well, we need to get going. We've got a little longer to cover than last time.

Emma: Right.

Marcos: Oh, by the way, there's a dead body in there.

Emma: Wait, what?

The scene cuts to a completely unbiased interpretation of the swim to the filtration chamber. The mercenaries, each one heavily chiselled and muscles, stomp across the floor. Above them, an obscenely muscled Maurice has a heavily-emaciated 'Raiden' attached to a leash, dragging what is presumably his unconscious body across the surface of the water. Marcos, looking practically the same, walks over to a metal door with a circular hatch and grasps it, looking over his shoulder at Lynch who, again, looks pretty much the same.

Lynch [Telepathically]: Open it.

'Will' [Telepathically]: YEAH! OPEN IT!

'Jericho' [Telepathically]: OH MY GOD DO IT!!

Marcos wrenches the door violently off of its hinges and a swath of blood flows through the door. 'Vince' rips off his shirt, flexing his muscles as he roars wildly, drinking in every drop of the blood. As he does, a few tiny scraps of flesh float through the door, as well as more recognisable parts of the body such as eyes and teeth, as a man caught in an explosion would not float fully intact through the doorway. 'Ivan' grabs an eye and rips it in half, roaring wildly and flexing his muscles. 'Frank', heavily muscular and wearing a wig, walks forward, pushing Marcos aside.


For no apparent reason, Screaming Mantis swims towards Frank, cupping his cheeks............Back on dry land, Lynch punches Frank in the kidneys, causing him to wheeze and double over.

Lynch [Coldly]: Story time is over, drunkard.

Frank [Wheezing]: My organs!! I was only explaining what happened!!

Lynch: You are not a muscular sex god. You are a wet noodle of a man.

Marcos: But, yes, there is bits of a dead guy floating around. Don't open your mouth.

Raiden: Hey, Emma, what are those sticks in your head?

Emma: Oh, these? Lacquered chopsticks. They hold your hair in place. Did you know they're pretty popular in Europe and South America?

Raiden: Can't say I do. You're not only cute, but smart too!

Emma: Oh, i'm more than cute...Marcos.

Marcos [Taken aback]: Uh, alright?

Raiden [Crestfallen]: .........Yeah, let's go.

Lynch raises his eyebrows, giving a cocky grin and snapping his fingers. The scene fades to black.

The scene opens up with Phil "Wizzö" Campbell standing in front of the camera, a darkened room behind him and only himself visible.

Campbell: Drinking alcohol is a social activity that makes you ten thousand percent more awesome and has leant itself to the iconic voice of Lemmy. It is his wonderful voice, accompanied by my expert guitar playing and Mikkey Dee on the drums, that makes Motorhead what it is.  Lemmy may have stopped drinking...........somewhat, but we believe drinking can lend itself to the next generation of metal vocalists. Besides, Lemmy's still alive and so is Keith Richards, so it can't be that bad. Please, overthrow your government and stop them from trying to interfere with alcohol.

The lights flick on, revealing crate after crate of Jack Daniels. Lynch wanders past behind Campbell, looking around.

Lynch: For fucks sake, what is it with--FRANK??!?

Frank runs into the view of the camera, leaping onto a crate of Jack Daniels. Lynch repeatedly snaps his fingers, the scene turning to black.

We return back to the corridor that hosts the elevator leading up to the Shell Two core. Sea lice have began scuttling around in front of the door. Emma winces violently as Raiden walks forward, the sea lice crunching beneath his feet.

Raiden: Come on!

Emma: No. Hell no. Not sea lice. Nope. Nope. NOPE!
Johan: Enough.

Johan stomps behind Emma, lifting her into a military press as she screams wildly. Johan simply walks over the sea lice, turning right as Raiden opens the lift and Johan carries her inside.

Bob: See? So much quicker.

Ivan: Ve could've just blown ze lice.

Tenpenny: Doing so in such a confined space would have killed us, old chap.

Ivan: Vould not be a bad ving.

Brick: Hey! I like me legs on me hips, thank you very much!

The mercenaries file into the elevator. After a few short seconds, the elevator doors open and they have resurface on floor 1F - Air Purification. Marcos walks out and Emma leaps from Johan's grip, leaping onto the back of Marcos.

Marcos: Why are you latching onto me?

Emma [Giggling]: Cause you're cute!

Marcos [Looking over his shoulder, quietly]: Help me.

Frank: Hey, you should get female attention once in a while, it's good for you!

Marcos [Quietly]: I don't like psychos.

Ivan: Vell, zis is--

Marcos [Sternly]: You know what I mean...

Lynch: Let's just get going.

Marcos sighs, turning left and heading down the corridor, trudging away.

Tavi: Poor guy.

Eligio: Poor? He can knock out a rhino. He's got this.

Eligio follows Marcos and Emma. Raiden also follows, somewhat automatically.

Frank: Will this nightmare ever end?

Lynch: Something tells me that we're getting closer.

Dave: She's gonna die, isn't she?

Will: That obvious, huh? Well, maybe someone should put a smile on her face before--

Tenpenny: He really does have a one track mind, doesn't he?

Robbie: You don't know just how bad he can get.

Will [Scoffing]: Well, excuse me for dabbling in philanthropy for once--

Tavi [Disgusted]: Oh, shut the fuck up, you disgusting misogynist.

Tavi walks out of the group, following Raiden.

Will: What's her problem?

Sal: You are, buddy.

Sal follows Tavi, who is followed by Vince and his Washu-bot.

Will [Scoffing, pointing at Vince]: And yet he doesn't get insulted for creating a robot for sexual purposes!

Vince [Calling over]: Companionship that won't hurt me!!

Lynch walks out of the elevator, slapping Will roughly around the back of his head as he does.

Lynch: Let's move.

The mercenaries follow Lynch out of the elevator and down the corridor..

**KL Connecting Bridge**

Walking out from the Shell Two Core, a glowing orange sunset greets them, glinting off of the metal. The T-shaped catwalk lies ahead of them, much in the same state that it was when they first crossed it. Empty and void of patrols or any other signs of life, it's clear that the launching of Arsenal Gear has emptied the Big Shell. Off to the right is their destination, Strut L. It is from Strut L that they can access the oil fence and, thus, Shell One once again. The mercenaries step out onto the catwalk, since patched up with various metal planks.

Lynch: Lead the way, Marcos.

Marcos [Grumbling]: Shoot me..

Marcos, carrying Emma, slowly lumbers forward as the mercenaries follow.

Tavi: That's a pretty sunset.

Frank: No time to admire it.

Frank takes a drink from a kidney flask.

Tavi: Frank, why is alcohol your coping mechanism?

Frank: Cheaper than heroin.

Frank takes another drink, screwing the cap onto the flask and slipping it into his pocket.

Tavi: But what exactly are you trying to forget?

Frank: Everything!

Robbie: How you haven't yet is a complete mystery.

They turn right down the walkway, continuing to follow the lead of Marcos, as Lynch slowly looks around.

Lynch: Sure is oddly peaceful around here.

Bob: Yeah. As if there's a calm before the storm..

Silence follows, punctuated only by the walkway creaking as the mercenaries walk across it.

Brick: I don't like this, boss.

Lynch: Quiet, men. The silence is golden.

Lynch continues leading the mercenaries down the walkway. Without warning, Sal screams violently, jumping towards Phil. Phil screams wildly, leaping backwards in fright and into the railing, backflipping over it. He quickly catches the railing, screaming as he does. Sal starts laughing loudly, clapping his hands.

Lynch [Angrily]: SAL, FOR FUCKS SAKE!!

Sal [Cackling]: I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF!!


Sal: Phil, you should see your face!

Phil [Angrily]: YOU FUCKING TWAT!!!

Will: And the Yeti dangles!


Lynch rushes over, grasping Phil's wrists and wrenching him up and onto the catwalk. Phil's legs struggles as he falls over and onto the catwalk, rolling onto his back.

Steve: Phil, are you alright?

Phil stumbles up to his feet, looking at Sal who shrugs.

Sal: Sorry buddy.

Phil grips Sal's cheeks, slamming his head forward and headbutting Sal violently in the nose. Sal reels backwards, screaming in pain as Phil leaps up, his leg cocking back and his fist thrusting forward as he hits a Superman punch between Sal's eyes. Sal reels backwards, collapsing onto the catwalk.

Jericho: Fuck, Phil, where'd you learn that?

Phil: The telly.

Lynch: Goddammit, can we get a move on?

Bill: Uh, Sal's kind of unconscious--

Lynch [Impatiently]: Then drag his carcass with us!

Bill and Brick grasp the arms of Sal, wrenching his unconscious body up to its feet and dragging him forward as Lynch leads them into another enclosure, holding the door to Strut L. To their right stands a security door, which Raiden walks over to.

Raiden: Easy-peasy--

The door buzzes in denial. Raiden thrusts forward an incredibly weak punch, hitting the door.

Raiden: ---Dammit.

Emma: What?

Raiden: This door is security level five. I don't have card five....damn...

Emma takes off her lanyard and holds out her ID, revealing that it is actually a security card for level five doors.

Emma: Ta-da!

Raiden [Taken aback]: What the--

Emma: Are you impressed?

Raiden: You should've told me you had it!

Emma:  Well, the truth is, I just remembered it myself.

Frank: Now that Raiden has finished disappointing us, can we get moving?

Raiden: I'm not disappointing!

Lynch: Emma, open the fucking door.

Emma walks towards the door which slides open. Johan grasps Raiden by the back of his collar, throwing him through the door.

Johan [Coldly]: In.

Brick and Bill throw Sal's body forward as well.

Brick: In!

The mercenaries walk in, but on the roof of the strut above them, Brock Lesnar appears, flexing his arms and letting out a vicious war cry before disappearing....
**Strut L - Sewage Treatment Facility**

The mercenaries file through the door, gazing around. Maurice sniffs the air.

Maurice: Bloody 'ell! Smells o' shite!

Will [Sniffing, disgusted]: Great. More foul smells.

Frank: I'm glad nobody is making reference to me.

Robbie: What's the point anymore?

The mercenaries turn left, walking halfway down the corridor. Frank whines quietly.

Frank: I'm not even the buttmonkey anymore..

Eligio: You'll always be the buttmonkey to me, pendejo.

Frank [Cheerfully]: THANKS!...I think.

The mercenaries turn right, walking through a short coridoor and into a small room, consisting of little more than a gap in the floor with pipes running vertically downwards into a yawning abyss. The mercenaries move around it, continuing ahead. At the opposite end of the room is a door with a circular hatch which Johan twists, pushing it open. In this small room, the mercenaries, Raiden and Emma reach a hatch in the floor that goes down presumably to the oil fence. Raiden leans down and grasps it, wrenching it open as a sudden gust of air rolls out, blowing Moe off of his feet as it does. Raiden looks down, examining the ladder before turning his head to Emma.

Raiden: ...Uh...How do you feel about heights?

Emma: Don't like them. Although water's higher on my phobia list. Why?

Raiden: We have to go down a ladder.

Emma: How far down?

Raiden: Just a little bit--

Phil: One hundred and thirty feet isn't little!

Emma gulps loudly. Raiden scowls at Phil.

Raiden: Think you can do it?

Emma: Would you take "no" for an answer?

Fabien: Vould you take being thrown down ze shaft for an answer?!

Raiden: How are your legs?

Emma: ...I...can climb down on my own, yes.

Raiden: Down the hatch, then.

Frank reaches into his pocket, pulling out a kidney flask and unscrewing it, gulping down the presumably alcoholic within. Tenpenny takes a sip of tea from a china cup he was handed by Jeeves. Raiden slowly climbs down the ladder, followed by Emma.

Eligio [Aside, to Marcos]: Close the hatch.

Marcos [Quietly]: You got it, boss--

Lynch: No, we're following!.....They still haven't paid us.

Marcos: Me first.

Marcos scrambles down the ladder, followed by the hustle and bustle of the mercenaries as they rush over and down the ladder.


At the bottom of the ladder, Marcos hits the platform and looks around: The Oil Fence, surrounding the perimeter of the Big Shell, is vast and sprawling. A large pipeline constructed from orange metal stretches out in a hexagonal shape. These pipelines connect several large, looming towers which stand tall on the horizon, encircled by metal catwalks midway up their length. Between these towers appears to be several planks which connects them. It's pretty clear only one person can cross them, and someone heavier than Emma will certainly have trouble in the rickety waters.

The sun is setting in the distance, casting an ominous, golden glow which dances and flickers across the water, the rolling waves causing sparkles of light to occasional hit the eyes of Marcos as he looks out at the sun, holding his arm over his head to block out the light.

Behind him, the mercenaries are grouping on this small platform.

Tenpenny: Beautiful! Such a glorious sunset!

Raiden: If we don't hurry, it'll be the last we see.

Raiden raises his binoculars, gazing across the oil fence: There appear to be no enemy soldiers, only several gun Cyphers floating lazily across the perimeter.

Raiden: Hm. Only Gun Cyphers.

Lynch: Guess our men have headed home.

Raiden looks warily at the 'bridge', which looks as if it might float away at any second.

Raiden: It looks like it can barely support one person. How much do you weight, Em--

Emma slaps Raiden violently around the cheek.


Raiden [Taken aback]: .....Right, you first.

Lynch walks forward, grabbing his walkie-talkie and handing it to Raiden.

Lynch: Call Snake. Tell him we're here.

Dave: WE'RE QUEER! GET USED TO IT! [Aside, to Johnny and Tim] No offence.

Johnny: Why would we find it offensive?

Dave shrugs.

Dave: Y'know...

Tim: We seriously don't find that offensive.

Snake's Voice: What's up?

Raiden: We're at the lower part of Strut L. We're gonna have to cross the water from here.

Snake: Can Emma cross it?

Raiden:  Pontoon bridge doesn't look too sturdy. Emma is going to have to cross it alone.

Snake: The oil fence..

Raiden: There's several guards.

Snake: Raiden, you're carrying a PSG-One, aren't you? It's time to be a sniper.

Billy [Stepping forward]: I'm the feckin' sniper.

Lynch grasps the rifle and wrestles it from Raiden's grip. Raiden whimpers and Lynch snatches the walkie-talkie, getting onto one knee.

Lynch: I'm doing it.

Snake's Voice: Right, okay, Marcus, you're going to have to cover Emma until she crosses to Strut E.

Lynch: Alright.

Snake's Voice: Can you handle it?

Lynch: I was a former Navy SEAL. I can handle anything.


Lynch: The core skill training we face means SEAL's train in everything from sniping to interrogation. I know what i'm doing.

Billy [Coldly]: Asshole.

Snake's Voice: Well, you won't hit Emma, at least. Don't shoot her.

Lynch [Quietly]: I won't...

Snake's Voice: Given the situation, they've probably got claymore mines in place to make up for the lack of soldiers. Probably laid by the last few Gurlukovich loyalists. Use thermal goggles to locate them if you have any.

Lynch [Quietly]: I can see them with a naked eye..

Snake's Voice: Whatever.

Raiden: Emma?

Emma: What?

Raiden: Lynch will clear a path for you.

Emma [Quietly]: Yeah, you wouldn't, pansy. How?

Raiden: Sniping.

Emma: Cool. Just don't shoot me.
Emma walks forward and steps down onto the pontoon bridge, beginning crossing the planks carefully. Lynch fires off a few shots, causing several small explosions to go up as the Claymore mines are destroyed, surprisingly not destroying the miniscule bridge.

Billy: Beginners luck. Try something that's a wee bit further away.

Lynch: Right, are you going to help?

Snake's Voice: I'm in a sniping position anyway, so i'll provide support fire from here in Strut E.

Lynch: Take out whatever I miss.

Snake's Voice: Just call me when you want me to shoot--

Lynch: --So we're just randomly going to guard her while she crosses the oil fence?

Snake's Voice: That's the plan.

Lynch: What about us?

Snake's Voice: Shut up, Marcus.

Lynch: Great, so we're fucking flying, are we?

Lynch sighs, laying down on his stomach and looking down his sights.

Billy: Uh, Lynch--

Lynch: Time for some twilight sniping.

Vince screams.

Samuel: Not that kind of twilight, you idiot.

Lynch: No, it's definitely that kind of sniping.

Vince gasps, raising his binoculars: Across the oil fence, in the shadow of the tower directly opposite them, stands a pastel purple pony.

Vince [Screaming]: OH GOD, TWILIGHT SPARKLE, NO!!!

Snake's Voice: Man, either these rations contain meth or i'm seeing a purple pony.

Lynch: I've got it.

Lynch pulls the trigger repeatedly, missing on all but the last, sixth shot. Vince falls to his knees, letting out a violent, strangled scream as Twilight's dead body is jettisoned into the water from the force of the gunshot to the side of her head. Lynch gets up onto one knee, reloading the PSG1.

Phil: That's a kill! Good shooting, boss!

Lynch [Smirking]: The pleasure is all mine. But what the fuck was it doing here?

Mother's Voice [Ethereal]: I was just testing your skills.

The mercenaries look around.

Tenpeny [Opening his arms and spinning around mindlessly]: AH, MY DEAR--

Mother's Voice [Ethereal, coldly]: I am somewhere nearby. Not for long. That was merely a robot. Alas, I expect Billy to take over sniping...

Lynch: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Fuck off and find me a real target.

Mother's voice suddenly fades as soon as it appeared. Tenpenny's face falls slightly.

Tenpenny: Drat, I was hoping she could...remove us from this...forsaken place..

Raiden: Lynch? Cypher.

Lynch looks up to his left: A Cypher floats through the air, towards Emma. Lynch fires off a shot. The Cypher simply keeps floating towards Emma.

Fabien: Uh, Marcus?

Lynch [Gritting his teeth]: Shut up, I'm concentrating. I haven't sniped in six years. Moving targets are tough.

Bob: Then why aren't you letting Billy shoot?

Billy walks forward, grasping the PSG1 and wrenches it from Lynch's grip, laying down on his stomach and turning to Sal.


Sal lays down on his stomach beside Billy, reaching into the back of his own belt and pulling out a spotting scope, gazing down them as Billy looks down his scope.

Sal: Weathers calm. Wind is minimal. Cypher is at a range of eight hundred and--

Billy fires off a shot. The Cypher spins around rapidly, exploding in a shower of sparks and acrid smoke as Emma continues heading up the walkway.

Sal [Turning his head to Billy]: What the fuck do you even need me to spot for? Everybody knows the British make the best snipers in the world, like that guy who shot at the Taliban who were eight hundred or so yards away!

Billy: Craig Harrison?

Sal: Yeah, him.

Billy: Eight hundred yards? That was two thousand, four hundred and seventy five metres, yeh dumbass. And he had a spotter.


Billy: Tae be honest, Sal, I just like tha company. That and they'll shoot yeh instead of me if they spot yeh.

Sal [Mumbling]: Fucking asshole. [Looking down the scope] WHAT THE FUCK--

Robbie squints his eyes: Paddling towards them is Lupa, last seen as the unwitting volunteer in a desperate attack against a Harrier Jump Jet. Lupa pants loudly before climbing onto the platform, shaking herself dry. Dave rushes forward, wrapping his arms tightly around Lupa.

Dave [Ecstatically]: LUPA! YOU'RE ALIVE!

Robbie [Sarcastically]: Oh. Joy.

Lupa leaps over Dave's shoulder, hurtling herself onto Robbie and tackling him down, tearing viciously at the collar of his fatigues as she goes for the throat. Robbie simply wrestles with her angrily.

Robbie [Straining]: FUCK! OFF! YOU! SHIT!!!

Robbie quickly pushes Lupa away and she simply trots beside Dave, sitting down on her hindlegs and lifting her muzzle, as if acting superior to Robbie who gets to his feet, rubbing his throat.

Phil: Dude, you almost got killed--

Robbie [Coldly]: Fuck off.

Sal [Looking down the spotting scope]: Another Cypher. Nine hundred and--

Billy fires off the shot. Sal slams down his spotting scope as the Cypher spins rapidly, exploding in a shower of flames and sparks.

Sal [Angrily]: IT'S FUCKING POINTLESS FOR ME TO BE HERE!! I don't need to make any calculations for the mil dot or slant range, the weather's perfect, there's barely any fucking wind AND YOU HAVE IT ALL COVERED!!

Billy [Quietly]: Shut up and spot.

Sal sighs, grasping his spotting scope and looking down at it.

Fabien: Can she not move faster?!

Lynch: Hey, i'd love to jam a gun in her back and tell her to run, but i'd prefer for her not to piss on my shoes.

Sal: Right, one thousand and eight yards. Cypher coming from the North East. The angle is--

Billy fires off a shot. The third Cypher spins rapidly and explodes.

Robbie: That is some nice shooting.

Sal: Fuck you, Billy.

Billy suddenly grips the PSG1 tighter as Sal looks down the spotting scope: From out of absolutely goddamn nowhere, Vamp has emerged from the water, grasping his left arm around Emma and clutching her tightly. For some reason, having conveniently spun around and turning her to face Raiden and the mercenaries. He uses his free arm to hold his knife to her neck.

Sal [Quickly]: Uh, Billy, The angle is--

Billy: --Aw, shit! No time!


Billy fires off several shots towards Vamp, who reels backwards. Billy stops.

Sal: Uh, Billy, you really should have let me--

Billy [Angrily, getting onto one knee and repeatedly pulling at the bolt]: STUPID! FUCKING! PIECE! OF! GERMAN! CRAP!!! HOW OLD IS THIS THING, LYNCH?!?!?

Lynch [Calmly]: No idea. It's been produced from 1972..


Lynch: Barely over three decades, Billy.

Billy [Mumbling]: Oh, yeah, time travel..

Sal [Shocked, pointing]: HE'S JUST EATING THE BULLETS, BILLY!!

A squashed bullet is ejected as Billy pulls back roughly on the bolt and Billy looks through the scope as Vamp chews on something, grinning as he does. Billy fires, but the bolt carrier and bolt itself are suddenly held back, indicating that the magazine is spent. Billy sighs, lowering his head.

Billy: Alright, that's it. It's.........time.

Frank: You don't mean--


Billy is surrounded by a glowing golden aura as he raises his arms to the sky, flexing and roaring to the heavens. The aura tears and rips at the top of his fatigues which distinegrate, revealing his heavily-muscled chest now bulging with several veins.


From the heavens drops an M95 anti-material rifle, complete with a custom paint-job consisting of a black paint covered with stripes of blue paint, a longer and finer scope and, for no apparent reason, the decapitated head of an English knight tied to the stock by a length of rope. Billy leaps up, grasping the rifle and spinning around, aiming down the scope at Vamp while he remains standing.

Will: Uh, Billy, What the fuck--


Billy fires the M95. The sheer recoil of the rifle, accompanied by his improper stature, causes Billy's left shoulder to jar back violently with a snap. Billy reels backwards, clutching his shoulder and hopping around the platform in pain.


Sal watches through the binoculars and the other mercenaries watch on as the bullet hits Vamp between the eyes. Vamp is thrown back backwards at an abnormal speed, as if he was hit by a truck. Vamp yells out in pain, landing in the water with a deafening splash as Emma stumbles forward.

Sal: We saved her!

Billy [In agony]: FUCKIN' GOOD!!

Winston: Excuse me, chap, but she appears to be bleeding quite profusely.

Emma stumbles forward, groaning quietly as a bloodstain grows on her abdomen, indicating she has received a severe wound. Somehow.

Billy [Angrily]: GOD FUCKIN' DAMMIT!!! WHAT WAS THE POINT??!?!?!?!

Emma keeps stumbling forward.

Bill: Nice to see this was all just a pointless exercise.

Emma lets out a dramatic scream, collapsing forward. Snake, running out from his sniping spot which was, coincidentally, close to her, rushes across the thin plank, quickly twisting around and firing his pistol at two incoming Cypher's, destroying them and quickly catches her before she collapses into the water.

Snake: Raiden!!

raiden: WHAT??!?!




Raiden: What now?!


Raiden quickly turns to Lynch, looking around desperately.


Robbie: So, we walk--

Lynch: --Way ahead of you.

Lynch snaps his fingers.


The mercenaries slowly walk into the B2 computer room in the Shell 1 Core. The mercenaries gaze around, looking at the computer room.

Bob: How did you do that?!

Lynch: The magic of a timeskip.

Raiden looks around desperately but quickly rushes forward: In the computer room, Otacon is cradling the heavily bandaged and wounded Emma while Snake stands a small distance away. Raiden rushes over to Snake.

Raiden: Is it bad?

Snake: Nah, it's not bad. He only made sashimi out of her INTERNAL ORGANS!!! But seriously, we can't stop the bleeding. [Quietly, aside to Frank as he approaches]: She's gonna die.

Emma [Quietly, raising her hand slightly]: ...H....Hal?

Otacon [Taking her hand]: I'm here.

Snake: Look, if you've got the disc, pop in the disc. She managed to do everything else while we were waiting for you.

Raiden holds up the disc, walking over to the computer console and inserting it. Snake looks over at the screen, which appears to be loading the disc.

Snake: That should insert the virus into the AI. Apparently.

Raiden: Is it working?

Snake: Leave it to Emma, pipsqueak.

Something suddenly happens on the screen. Vince leans over, reading the screen.

Vince: Well, the virus is being attacked.

Snake [Rushing over]: What the--?!

Otacon: An antibody agent?


Raiden: Has the virus been uploaded?!

Snake: The count's stopped at ninety percent!!! Otacon?!

Otacon: I...don't think Emma's made any mistakes..

Emma [Weakly]: No shit...

Raiden: But--

Otacon: Portions of the worm cluster must have been altered after the disc left Emma's hands.

Vince [Scoffing]: That's fucking impossible! If he had the disc, how could that happen? The disc spontaneously, in of itself, changed its coding and executable?!

Bill: Yeah! The nerd knows what's up! We're being had!

Raiden: Maybe it was the Patriots--

Jon [Coldly]: That sounds like another excuse.

Snake: Will the virus still work?

Otacon: I have no idea--

Vince: Maybe it's corrupted? That's the only explanation, with the bishie holding the CD close to his body.

Emma [Quietly, shakily]: ...It will...

Snake and Otacon exchange looks. Snake turns away, scratching his rear as Otacon looks down at Emma.

Otacon: ...Of course it will.

Emma: I will....At least....I....won' adding....another page to's.....dark history...

Otacon [Quietly]: ....Yeah...That's right...

Raiden: What if that virus doesn't work?

Snake: We either destroy Arsenal Gear the old fashioned way or wipe Solidus off of the map.

Raiden: How do we get on board?

Snake: ...........I'm thinking.

Lynch: So, we'll come back next year?

Fabien: Vell, zis is great, destroying a large fortress ve cannot even get onto!!

Emma: Hal......I always.....

Otacon: What? What is it?

Emma: ....Wanted to see you again.

Otacon: ...You don't hate me?

Emma: Yes....Yes I do....But...I never wanted to get in your way...I never wanted to hurt you...I thought with Arsenal..If I follow in your footsteps...I could be closer......I just to see a woman...

Tenpenny: Now we're getting into Norwich territory!

Moe: Incest?

Tenpenny: Incest.

Vince: Technically speaking, it's not really--

Sal: Don't make me hit you.

Emma [Quietly]: ....Can I...Can I more favour?

Otacon: Sure.

Emma: ....Call me Emma...

Otacon [Leaning closer]: Huh?

Emma: Please, call me--

Johnny [Angrily]: TIM!!!!!

Otacon: What--

Emma's arms fall limp, her glasses clattering onto the floor as her right arm dramatically hits the floor.

Otacon: ...Emma?...EMMA? EMMA?!?!? EMMA?!?!? EMMA??!?! ANSWER ME!!!

Eligio: The dead don't reply.

Otacon bursts into tears, sobbing hysterically. Tim slaps Johnny sharply on the left arm.

Tim [Angrily]: See? You just ruined a very tender moment! The very last he will have his sister! Ever!

Otacon begins sobbing harder, clutching Emma closer as he does.

Phil: How about you both shut up and stop pushing it?

Tim [Pointing at Johnny]: He did it!

Otacon [Sobbing]: I didn't...I didn't...I didn't mean to hurt you....because of the accident...I had....I had a relationship with your mother....she seduced me...and it went on....My father's death was no accident, he took his own was my fault....all my fault....Forgive me, Emma...

Jericho slowly walks behind Otacon, pulling out one of his Browning L9A1 pistols and pointing it at the back of Otacon's head.

Marcos: What are you doing?

Jericho [Sneering]: He's a sick fuck. Killing him will save the gene pool of humanity.

Parrot: Hal.

The mercenaries stop, looking over at the parrot, flapping its wings repeatedly in its cage. Otacon starts bawling loudly.


The mercenaries suddenly burst out laughing loudly. Even Snake and Raiden double over, laughing as Otacon simply sobs wildly. Will and Frank stand there, glaring angrily over at Marcos who is on one knee, laughing loudly.

Parrot: Hal!

Otacon sniffles, closing Emma's eyes and gently laying her body on the ground. Moving around the laughing mercenaries, he walks over to the console and leans over it, opening the parrots cage and leaning forward, gently coaxing the bird onto his arm and pulling back.

Parrot: Hal.

Otacon starts bawling loudly again. The mercenaries slowly stop laughing, looking at Otacon.

Bob: Does he ever stop?!

Robbie: That is a man filled with tears. How weak.

Announcer's Voice [Over PA]: Attention! Arsenal Gear is ready for launch! Evacuate the upper levels immediately!

Snake: Aw, shit, it sounds like they're cutting this place loose!

Raiden: What do you mean?

Otacon [Sniffling]: It means we're gonna sink..

Jeeves: Then might I suggest that we get moving?

Snake: We have to get the hostages out.

Raiden: What about the Kamov repairs?

Otacon: ...Done..

Raiden: We won't be able to get everybody aboard..

Snake: Fuck 'em. We'll take as many as we can.

Otacon whimpers, looking down at Emma's body.

Otacon [Quietly]: My sister...won't be able to come with us--

Snake: Leave it, she's a corpse.

Otacon sniffles loudly as the PA fires up once more.

Announcer: We will be commencing the countdown shortly. All personnel in the upper levels, head for the evacuation area immediately!

Otacon [Sadly]: I'm always the survivor..............Why, Wolf?!

Bob: Now you're making me look cheerful.

Snake: Otacon, take care of the hostages.

Otacon: What about you guys?

Snake: We've got other arrangements.

Snake looks out at the elevator that presumably leads down to Arsenal Gear.

Robbie: Where the fuck did that come from?

Snake: WHo cares? It's our ride out of here. Anyway, we're going to have sink Arsenal if the virus doesn't work.

Otacon: I should go with you.

Mercenaries, Snake and Raiden [In unison]: No!

Snake: You've got your job, we've got ours.

Otacon: ...You mean I'd only get in your way...
Snake [Clasping his hands onto Otacon's shoulders]: Yes, that is completely true. However, right now, only you can save those hostages, got it?

Otacon: ...Right...Listen....between all of you...Yes, all of you...You won't be able to destroy that thing..

Ivan [Grinning, holding up two sticks of dynamite]: I LOVE A CHALLENGE!!

Johan turns his head, looking at Ivan. Ivan slowly lowers his hands.

Ivan [Whining]: You used to be vun, Johan!

Johan: I am not letting you detonate explosives on a nuclear-armed fortress.

Otacon: Eliminating the enemy is your only option.

Otacon turns around, walking out of the computer room. As Otacon walks away, Raiden and Snake follow. Followed by the mercenaries.

Dave: My hand really does hurt, guys.

Tavi: That's all I can do, Dave.

Dave: What if it turns green and drops off?

Tavi: That's not how hands work, Dave. Unless it's gangrene. But such an infection would probably kill you outright.

Dave gulps loudly.

Robbie: It's alright, Dave. The U-boat will function without you.

Dave [Angrily]: FUCK YOU!

Will: Dave's dying? Well, no real loss. Lazy fucker.

Dave [Scoffing]: I observe the Shabbat!

Will: You fucking live in the Shabbat! From Sunday to Sunday, you never fucking move!

Dave: I've manned the U-boat!

Frank: He's got a point, Dave.

Dave: Screw you, you're even lazier than I am.

Tavi: You're all lazy--

Bob: We're saving the world!...We can't be lazy!

They reach the outside of the elevator. As Otacon approaches it, the parrot talks once again.

Parrot: Hal.

Otacon punches the elevator door violently. The parrot squawks wildly, flapping its wings rapidly.

Otacon [Angrily]: DAMN!!!!

Snake: Listen, Otacon, you fuckin' yellowbelly, pull yourself together! You've got a job to do!

Otacon:'re right.

Snake holds out his hand, clasping Ocelot's. What follows is an incredibly convoluted and drawn-out handshake, consisting of fist bumps, elbow bumps, unnecessary patting and slapping, finally followed by them pulling eachother closer and hugging eachother.

Announcer: I repeat, personnel in the upper levels, head to the evacuation areas immediately!!

Snake: I'm counting on you, Otacon.

Otacon walks into the elevator. Otacon ascends in the elevator. Nobody cares for Otacon. Instead, around the elevator doors stands Snake, Raiden and the mercenaries.

Raiden: What now?

Snake: We find a way to board Arsenal.

Lynch: How?

Snake: You can come out now.

From above, either from the panels or from a light or wherever, the cyborg ninja flips downwards, landing on the floor between them.


Ninja: Arsenal is going to take off.

The ninja reaches onto its back, unsheathing its sword.

Ninja: But this time, we need to take care of a few things. Do not fail us.

Raiden: Hang on, who are you? Snake?

Snake: Sorry, pipsqueak, I'm not on your side.

Raiden: Wait, hold on, I'm just--What? What's going on? WHO ARE YOU?!

The ninja slowly reaches up, touching something on the side of its visor. As the mercenaries found out several chapters ago, the visor turns transparent, revealing the face of Olga.

Olga: Hello.

Raiden [Reeling back and pointing]: AW, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

Lynch: Right, what the fuck is this all about?

Snake: We're all changing sides.

Samuel: Does that mean more pay--

Olga: You vill get your pay on Arsenal!

Raiden: Uh, what is happen--

Olga: Ah, him.

Olga swings her sword down, slamming the flat face of the sword down violently into Raiden's left shoulder, holding it there as an electric current rolls through his body. Raiden convulses violently, foaming at the mouth.


Raiden collapses to the floor, his limbs twitching violently as Olga sheathes her sword.

Moe: Fuck, lady, you just fried him!

Olga: He's still alive. Come. We need to board Arsenal Gear.

Lynch: Snake, we REALLY need to talk to you about sharing information.

Snake [Shrugging]: I don't give a fuck. I wouldn't be a legendary soldier if I shared my modus operandi with everyone, eh?

Olga: We need to get moving.

Snake: Yeah, whatever, come on.

Bob: So, we finally get this gigantic fortress.

Dean: Let's ride, boys. RIDE TO DESTINY!

The doors to the elevator slam shut as the scene fades.

The penultimate chapter is upon us as Raiden is captured, Arsenal Gear takes flight, the Patriots are still confusing and the mercenaries still haven't been paid by anybody, even with the amount of double and triple-crossing they've been doing. Now it's time to uncover the dark secrets surrounding the mission and to finally give the Patriots a kick in the balls they will not recover from. Can they stop Arsenal Gear and the Patriots? Can they stop Solidus? Can they stop Liquid Revolver Ocelot Snake? Will they ever be paid? Find out more in our penultimate episode that involves ninjas, Snake-related offense, exploding gibs and even more hijinks and horrendous non-sequiturs and unhilarity from the Mercenaries! 

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