Monday, 28 May 2012

Saga II Finale - The Rejects March

*Frank, Lynch, Will, Bob, Dave and Robbie's House*

In the house belonging six mercenaries, Lynch is asleep in a darkened room on a bed consisting of little more than a thin mattress upon a rickety metal frame, a black blanket covering him as he twists and turns, his body covered in a cold, clammy sweat. Lynch opens his eyes, looking on top of a cardboard box beside his bed: The red neon letters read "2:56". Lynch sighs darkly, laying his head back down on the pillow and placing his hands over his eyes.

Lynch [Quietly]: ..For fucks sake..

Lynch grunts loudly, sitting up and flexing his shoulderblades, cracking the aching bones loudly before shaking his head, swinging his legs out of his bed and getting to his feet, walking over to the door of his room and gently pulling it open, walking into the main room where Frank is splayed out on the leather couch, snoring loudly with a bottle of Budweiser in his left hand and a half-empty packet of Cool Ranch Doritos in the right.

Lynch [Sneering]: That may just be the ugliest thing I have ever seen..

Lynch walks over to Frank, pulling the packet of Doritos from his hand and laying it over his face. Franks snoring simply blows the packet away, spraying nacho crumbs everywhere. Lynch shakes his head, walking to the left and towards a large refrigerator huddled in the top-right corner of the room, pulling it open and scanning the contents which appear to be nothing more than several packs of beer on each of the two shelves, and several packs of bacon and pork chops below the bottom shelf. Lynch turns his head, looking on a small shelf on the inside of the door and pulling out a carton of milk, sniffing it before taking a quick drink, giving a thankful sigh.

Lynch [Quietly]: That's better..

Lynch wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, keeping ahold of the carton, shutting the door and turning around, coming face-to-face with Johnny Cash.

Lynch [Hissing]: Holy mother of fucking God and Joseph and Jesus and Mary and all those religious bastards!!!!!

Cash [Smirking]: Just checking.

Cash disappears in a blue puff of smoke as Lynch slowly shakes his head.

Lynch [Grimacing]: Fucking insanity is becoming harder to swallow..

Lynch walks back into his bedroom, slowly shutting the door and placing the carton of milk on the box next to his bed, laying back down and closing his eyes.

Lynch: ...Where am I?

Lynch opens his eyes, looking around: He is standing in front of a window, looking out at rocky, gnarled snow-capped mountains, blinking rapidly as he does. The smell of oak-tinged smoke fills the air. He reaches out, feeling the windowsill before looking down, noticing the cabin he is in appears to be a log cabin, every inch of the wall crafted from sanded logs.

Lynch: Oh boy, I bet that milk was off, wasn't it?

Feminine Voice: ....Milk?

Lynch blinks, slowly looking over his shoulder before turning around: Standing mere feet away from him is a woman, middle-aged with smooth features and a small, pointed nose with large green eyes. She uses her right hand to move her flowing straw-coloured hair away from her right eye, looking at Lynch. Lynch swallows deeply, his palms sweating and his heart pounding roughly against his ribcage.

Lynch [Desperately]: .......Sarah?.....

Sarah: ..Is everything alright, Marcus?

Lynch slowly reaches a hand out, cupping her cheek lightly and stroking it with his thumb. Sarah closes her eyes, smiling softly and reaching up, holding his hand.

Lynch [Quietly]: ...Sarah...It is you..

Sarah: What's wrong, Marcus? You look...pale.

Lynch quickly shakes his head.

Lynch: No, everything's fine..

Lynch moves his hand, taking Sarah's lightly and looking down at their hands: On his middle finger is a small wedding band. Lynch gulps deeply, trying to suppress the tears clawing at his eyes.

Sarah: You look off...

Lynch: ..I'm fine.

Sarah [Giggling]: That look reminds me of the day before our wedding all over again. You didn't hide your nerves well then, either.

Lynch: Honestly, I'm fine. Better than fine.

Sarah: Of course you are.

Lynch slowly leans in, moving in to kiss Sarah, but they are suddenly stopped by the sound of gunfire, the logs of the cabin being chipped away, Lynch's heart starts going haywire as he looks around, grasping Sarah roughly by her arms and pulling her behind him.


Sarah [Frightened]: WHAT'S HAPPENING?!?!

Lynch [Growling]: No..Not again. NOT AGAIN!

Lynch runs over to a crackling fireplace, reaching above it and grasping a M4A1 Assault Rifle, a relic from his days as a Navy SEAL, from two bronze pegs, pulling it down and deactivating the safety. Lynch runs forward towards a window to the right of the door, swinging the butt of his rifle into it and smashing the glass, poking the barrel out and opening fire, cutting down several Ravens Sword PMC soldiers, clad in solid black, who are running up the gravel hill towards the log cabin.

Sarah [Sobbing]: MARCUS?!

Lynch [Desperately]: Stay back, Sarah! Stay back!

Sarah [Sobbing]: Why? Why?!

Lynch [Desperately]: Those fucking bastards! Eliminating the old guard so that the new guard can fuel their fucking war economy! NOT TODAY, FELLA'S!!! NOT TODAY!!


Lynch [Angrily]: STAY BACK, SARAH!!


Lynch [Sighing]: .....Fine..

Lynch opens fire again, cutting down two more PMC soldiers before sweeping his gun to the right, looking up a fir tree and noticing the glint of a sniper scope, quickly tapping the trigger and eliminating the sniper in a hail of bullets. Lynch blinks: He's now standing feet away from the door, shirtless. Sarah is stood behind him, now wearing a black tanktop and clutching an empty M9 Beretta. His M4A1 Assault Rifle is out of ammo, and tapping the trigger only gives resounding clicks. The door shoots open, and three Ravens Sword PMC's appear, their assault rifles aimed at Lynch.

Praying Mantis PMC Squad Leader: DROP THE WEAPON!!

Lynch throws his weapon to the floor, lunging forward and grasping both sides of the Squad Leader's neck, twisting it roughly from side to side at an angle and snapping it. The soldier to his left kicks Lynch in the gut, forcing him backwards, while the soldier to the right raises his weapon, pulling the trigger. A shot rings out as Lynch's mouth fills with blood, giving a small cough which sprays droplets across the floor as he falls to his knees. Sarah's screams pierce his eardrums as he collapses face-first to the floor.

PMC Soldier One: What should we do with the girl?

PMC Soldier Two: Kill her.

Lynch twists around, clawing himself across the floor towards the two soldiers standing over Sarah.

Lynch [Choking]: SARAH!!!!! SARAH!!!

Sarah [Angrily, Defiantly, Choking back tears]: When I watch your beloved Patriots get sent to hell, I can look on proudly, knowing who sent them. Can you say the same?

Lynch keeps clawing at the floor, but he finds himself rooted to the position. No matter how much his fingernails claw at the hardwood floor, he can't move forward towards the PMC's.

Lynch [Screaming]: SARAH!! NO!!!!

PMC Soldier One: Defiant little bitch, aren't you?

Sarah looks up, spitting roughly into the soldiers right eye.

Sarah: Do it. You're only going to kill a woman.

A shot rings out. Lynch lets loose an enraged scream.

Lynch blinks: His hand is clutching Sarah's, their wedding bands inches apart as she looks at him, her eyes glassed over and a small stream of blood running from the corner of her mouth.

Lynch [Sobbing]: ....Sarah...Sarah... Sarah [Choking]: ...The man I the the world....

Sarah's eyes slowly close as Lynch lets out a wounded, sobbing howl, clenching her hand tighter.


Lynch blinks. He looks around, noticing he is being carried away by four men wearing ski masks, black thermal uniforms and sunglasses. Lynch notices that, at his feet, walks Mother Mercenary, clad in a thick double-breasted charcoal officers uniform, her hands clasped behind her back as she looks sorrowfully at him.

Mother: I'm sorry, Marcus. We came as fast as we could. We didn't hear about it until it was too late. I wish we could have come earlier.

Lynch [Raspily]: ....Who....are you?...

Mother: My name is not important. All you need to know is that I am going to be responsible for sending these PMC's back to the hell from which they surfaced. You are a former Navy SEAL, and I want you to help train the forces who will be standing at the gates of Hell as they march those PMC's in.

Lynch [Raspily]: ......Give me any and all...and I will kill them...

Mother gives a small, wry smile.

Mother: My child, you shall make a perfect addition to my Academy.

Lynch [Raspily]: .....Who..are you?

Mother: Marcus, from this day on, I am your Mother.
Lynch lets out a loud, shocked yell, quickly jolting up in bed. Sitting at the foot of the bed in a small wooden chair, Budweiser in one hand, is Bill, staring intently at him. Lynch breathes heavy, ragged breaths, staring back at him.

Lynch [Angrily]: What the fuck are you doing here and why are you watching me?!

Bill: You were screaming.

Lynch: ....And that brung you here?

Bill: No, beer brung me here.

Bill takes a quick swig from the can of Budweiser.

Lynch [Narrowing his eyes]: Get the fuck out of my house.

Bill: Why don't you tell me what you were screaming abou--

Lynch: How about you get the fuck out of my house?

Bill: ...Don't see your name on it.

Lynch growls, swinging his feet out of bed. Bill quickly gets to his feet.

Bill: Woah, chill out, boss hog! I'm goin'!

Bill stops near the door, looking over his shoulder.

Bill: Can I grab some bacon--

Lynch [Impatiently]: GET OUT!!

Bill: Alright! Alright!

Bill quickly hurries out of the door as Lynch gets to his feet, smacking his lips and walking into the main room where Frank is now sitting, eating a Lucky Charms out of a paper bowl.

Frank: Hey Lynch.

Lynch looks down at Frank, rubbing his eyes.

Lynch [Quietly]: ..Was I screaming last night?

Frank: Like a baby hit over the head with a hammer.

Lynch [Sarcastically]: Oh, thanks!!

Frank: What? You were! I thought Will had climbed into bed with you!

Lynch sighs, groaning loudly.

Frank: Wanna talk about it?

Lynch [Bluntly]: No.

Frank: Alright.

Frank continues eating his cereal as Lynch walks around the couch, slumping down and sitting next to Frank, sighing loudly.

Frank: Lynch, who's Sarah?

Lynch [Calmly]: Say her name again and I will gouge your eyes out and skullfuck you to death.

Frank [Taken aback]: Well! That's not a nice way to deal with trauma!

Lynch: Alright Frank, I'm going to be honest with you, and I'm not going to patronise you: Don't ever bring her name up. Ever. I have told you what you need to be told about my life--

Frank: But I don't know anything about you. You never gave an interview when Rex came around and you've never bothered telling me about anything in your life.

Lynch: Just don't ask about her. Please. This isn't just me being brooding or moody, but that name genuinely opens up scars that haven't healed. Please.

Frank: Alright. Forget I asked.

Frank and Lynch fall silent. Frank shrugs off the tension between the two, continuing to eat his Lucky Charms.

Lynch [Calmly]: Big Shell soon, huh?

Frank suddenly starts choking loudly, dropping his bowl and plastic spoon onto the coffee table as he does. Lynch quickly gets to his feet, spinning around the couch and grasping Frank's chest, squeezing it roughly. Frank chokes wildly before spitting out a marshmallow onto the floor, gasping for breath as Lynch squeezes his shoulders.

Lynch: What the fuck's wrong?!

Frank [Gasping]: DON'T SCARE ME LIKE THAT!!

Lynch: ...But we're going tomorrow morning.

Frank suddenly collapses to his right, his head thudding off of the arm of the couch as Lynch lets go of his shoulder, sighing darkly and patting his cheek.

Lynch [Impatiently]: Frank. Frank. OI! DRUNKIE! HEY! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!

Frank remains motionless as Will enters from the door behind him, slamming it shut and walking behind Lynch, looking over his shoulder.

Will: I wouldn't kiss him, if I were you: It might send you to a permanent sleep.

Lynch [Not looking]: Hey Will.

Will: What was with the screaming last night, anyway? Sounded like you'd been ambushed by Screaming Mantis and a packet of lube.

Lynch slowly looks over his shoulder, raising an eyebrow.

Lynch: Dare I ask?

Will: I wouldn't. I wouldn't. So, what's the drunkie done now?

Lynch: I told him we were going to Big Shell tomorrow morning.

Will: Say wha? Don't you mean the Tanker Incident? That was to do with Snake, wasn't it? Before the Big SHell?

Lynch: ....Oh, yeah.

Will: So, go through the timehole, go back in time, make sure Snake completes his mission. Bada bing, bada boom. Easy! By the way....where is Snake?

Lynch: Since he succeeded at Shadow Moses in this timeline, but never went through the Tanker or Big Shell, he's in hiding in Alaska. No reason he'd want to come here, right? Will shrugs.

Will: This shits confusing to me.

Lynch: Shut up and prepare yourself.

Will: Yeah yeah, maybe after a drink or two.

Will walks over to the fridge, pulling it open and looking inside, tutting as Lynch sighs, moving away from Frank.

Lynch: ...Where's Robbie and Dave?

Will: At their U-Boat.

Lynch: And Bob?

Will [Shrugging]: Out in the Square. Something about trying to find stuff out about Octopus.

Lynch [Eyes widening]: Oh crap.

Will: What? Lynch: You don't think he'd be stupid enough to, y'know, contact her?

Will: Who? Bob?....Of course he would.

Lynch sighs darkly, walking towards the door and pulling it open, slamming it shut behind him. Will looks over at Frank, pulling out a can of Budweiser from the fridge and cracking the tab, walking over to him and pouring the contents over Frank's face.

Will [Whistling shrilly]: WAKE UP, RUMMY! WAKE UP!

Frank [Groaning]: no want tutu... Will: Man, you have some serious fucking issues.

Frank [Opening one eye]: You do too. LIKE POURING BEER ON MY FACE!!

Frank lunges up, grasping the can and pulling it to his mouth, sucking on it like a babies bottle.

Will [Taken aback]: Yeah, I was right.

*Beale-Walker Square*

Lynch walks around the back of the house into the open, empty space of Beale-Walker Square to find Bob sitting in the shadow of a bombed out building next to their house, a radio set upon the floor and the handset in his hand. Bob is busy fiddling with the dials, holding the handset to his ear before looking up and noticing Lynch walking across the sand-covered tarmac towards him.

Bob: Hey Lynch.

Lynch: Bob, what the hell are you doing?

Bob: Just checking the radio waves.

Lynch: Bob, the last thing you want to do is attract the attentions of an emotionally-scarred bloodthirsty woman who is psychotic.

Bob: ...I just need to know if she's alive out there.

Lynch: She will be. Just be ready to kick her ass when we finally force Snake through the Tanker, Big Shell and Operation Snake Eater and weaken the Patriots enough to wind up one final kick in their teeth.

Bob: ..Lynch, can I ask you something?

Lynch [Coldly]: If it's about my screaming, I will thrust my balls down your throat and choke you.

Bob [Taken aback]: ....Ooooooookay. Anyway, I wanted to ask: How did Mother know about the timehole? About the second chance to help Snake actually succeed his mission?

Lynch [Scoffing]: Alright, why are you asking me?

Bob [Shrugging]: Thought you'd know..

Lynch: Even I don't know, Bob.

Jericho walks through the Square, a black bag filled with rubbish slung over his shoulder as he whistles loudly to himself.

Jericho: I could make a joke about that.

Lynch: Go on, then.

Jericho [Laughing]: Thanks, but unlike Bob, i'm not suicidal!

Bob: Hey, i'm not suicidal! Just...undecided.

Lynch: So, have you got anything?

Bob: Nothing.

Lynch [Surprised]: ..Seriously?

Bob: It's odd. They haven't shown up from what I can hear..then again, all i'm getting is public radio broadcasts.

Lynch: Try tuning into BBC News Radio. You know those guys went underground when Ravens Sword took Britain.

Bob [Sighing]: Yeah, that was a heartbreaker: Poor Chris Moyles being killed in the great BBC uprising. Went down screaming and took down five PMC's with him.

Lynch [Shrugging]: On the plus side, at least Simon Cowell died. Heard the Praying Mantis PMC Soldiers tried to burn the body, but they couldn't light the plastic in his body on fire. Killed ten from the fumes.

Bob continues to fiddle with the dials on the sides of the radio, clutching the handset to his ear.

Jericho [Piping up]: Actually, the best thing about it was the monarchy being deposed. Viva la Republic!

Lynch: Keep walkin'!

Jericho: Whatever, screaming baby.

Lynch [Spluttering]: Y-YOU HEARD?!

Jericho: It was all I could hear. I thought Frank had fell asleep on top of you.

Lynch growls as Jericho sniggers, walking out of the Square. Lynch snaps his head towards Bob, who jolts backwards violently.

Bob [Scared]: JESUS!!!

Lynch: What?

Bob: Don't do that! It scares the shit out of me! Lynch: Have you found anything yet?! Bob sighs, replacing the receiver onto the side of the radio and giving an exaggerated shrug.

Bob [Sighing]: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Rebels in the United Kingdom are doing alright, though. Just re-took the Houses of Parliament. They don't know what to do with them, though.

Lynch [Smirking]: Just like when the rebels took the White House?

Bob: Indeed. Seems like they've turned the Houses into a giant pub......No, wait, they've turned the House of Commons into a pub, they've just blew up the House of Lords.

Lynch: What about rebellions in the United States?

Bob: Apparently, rebels took the city of Detroit.

Lynch: It's only because the Raven Sword PMC didn't want it in the first place.

Bob [Ho-humming]: Huh, guess that's why i'm hearing that they just walked in and took the place.

Lynch: So, what's the rebels land gains at home?

Bob: White House, Detroit, Lansing, Sterling Heights, Warren, Grand Rapids, Battle Creek--

Lynch: So, Michigan and Washington?

Bob: Hey, all great rebellions start somewhere!

Lynch: They're literally just taking Michigan!

Bob: All great rebellions start somewhere!


A window opens on the right-hand wall of the square above them, and Frank's head pokes out, the lower half of his face covered with white foam and a toothbrush sticking to his moustache.

Frank [Calling out]: Lyyyyyyyynch!! Where did you put the shaver??!

Lynch slowly lifts his head, looking over his shoulder and looking up at Frank.

Lynch [Eyes widening]: Oh sweet mother of Mary. It awoke.

Frank: C'mon Lynch! Where is it?


Frank's head disappears from the window, followed by the sound of clattering. Frank [Triumphantly]: FOUND IT!!

Lynch [Sighing darkly]: Dear God. Well, at least the boys shaving for when we disappear.

Bob [Looking up]: Say wha'?

Lynch: We leave for the Tanker tomorrow morning. You know: Giant wormhole. Back in time. Bawoosh. We go.

Bob blinks.

Bob [Devestated]: NO!!

Lynch: Yep. One step closer to Octopus jamming her tentacles where the sun don't shine.


*The U-Boat*


Dave [Looking around]: Dude, what the fuck?

Robbie [Ho-humming]: Bob.

Dave: Typical.

Robbie and Dave are laid on their beds in their quarters. Heinrich is sat at a small metal desk, examining a dossier of possible targets to pursue during the absence of Robbie and Dave, examining each one with a pencil clutched in his hand, his tongue stuck out between his lips. Benito walks through the open hatchway, his heels snapping together and giving a quick salute.

Benito: Herr Robbie!

Robbie [Craning his head]: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!

Benito: Bad time?

Robbie: Yes.

Benito: How come?

Dave: We're about to be shipped off...TO HELL!!

Ominous music.

Benito [Raising an eyebrow]: You're appearing in a new Stephanie Meyer book?

Robbie [Bluntly]: Shut the fuck up.

Benito: What's wrong, then?

Robbie: Don't you know? We're being sent back to 2007 and 2009 to the Tanker Incident and Big Shell in order to deliver yet another blow to the Patriots and Metal Gear.

Benito [Blinking]: ..Oh. Right.

Robbie: What?

Benito [Shaking his head]: Still sounds odd to me.

Robbie: You're not the only one.

The sound of shouting fills the air.

Dave: What the hell's going on?

Benito: Lupa's getting feisty.

Robbie [Sighing]: There's a reason I gave her to Leitender Ingenieur Friedrich! He said he could take care of her!

Benito: Apparently not. They listen as, below decks, they can hear the whirring of engines amidst the clattering of footsteps, followed by a loud thud.

Robbie [Impatiently]: What the fuck are they doing down there?!

Benito [Sighing]: Sir, Lupa has been restless since you left on that mission to rescue Eligio and Billy.

They listen intently as another thud is heard, followed by the sound of a muffled scream and the sound of pattering feet.

Male Voice [Quietly]: No! Not ze face! NEIN! NEIN!

They listen as a hissing sound fills the air, followed by the sound of sizzling and screaming, followed by more hefty footsteps that get louder. Dave and Robbie crane their heads and Benito turns around, watching as a man dressed in a Kriegsmarine uniform runs past the door, hand clamped over his right eye as he screams wildly.

Dave [Underwhelmed]: ...Ooooooooooooookay.

The grey wolf, that Robbie and Dave had captured during the Shadow Moses Mission, trots through the doors, now appearing much larger and well-fed than it was as a pup, a blowtorch between its lips. The wolf turns around, dropping the blowtorch to the foot of Benito.

Benito [Blinking]: .....Uhhhh....thanks. Dave groans, sitting up and scratches the top of its head lightly as it sits down at the foot of Dave's bed, looking up at Dave with bulbous brown eyes.

Dave: Awww..ain't she cute?!

A figure emerges from behind Benito, his leather overcoat glistening with condensation from steam and a peaked cap clasped over his head. The man looks at Robbie with two icy-blue eyes, stroking his bristly chin in some pain.

Robbie [Sighing]: Friedrich, what's wrong?

Friedrich: The wolf took a blowtorch to one of my men.

Robbie: She's smart. She senses your fear.

Friedrich [Impatiently]: Why must she stay below decks in the engine room?!

Robbie: No room for her in the command room.

Friedrich: I bet there is.

Robbie: There isn't.

Friedrich [Coldly]: I refuse to take care of her as long as she acts this way.

Robbie [Shrugging]: Shoot her.


Dave shuffles forward across his bed, rubbing Lupa under her chin vigorously.

Dave [Quietly]: Who-sa boobcha woobcha? Who-sa good wolfie fulfie?

Benito: ..Shall I leave and give you all some alone time?

Robbie: Yes: Fetch the Steuermann, Erik, from wherever he's hiding. He's not steering the ship, so he's probably below deck. Also, fetch Wachoffizier Lehmann from the bunks.

Benito: He wouldn't be sulking if you actually followed official U-boat ranking, sir.

Robbie: If we ever command an actual fleet, you will all be grateful you have a Gro├čadmiral with experience!!

Benito [Mumbling]: ..Komandant should be in charge--

Robbie [Angrily]: WHAT WAS THAT?!

Benito [Quickly]: Nothing.

Benito turns around, quickly jogging out of the bunks as Robbie swings his legs off of the bed, getting to his feet and turning to Friedrich.

Robbie [Shrugging]:......Shoot her!

Dave: NO!

Robbie [Impatiently]: What do you suggest we do with her?! Dave [Brightly]: Take her with us!

Robbie [Bluntly]: No. Fuck no.

Dave: Why?!

Robbie: Too much work.

Dave [Narrowing his eyes]: Then i'll take her.


Friedrich [Calmly]: Quite.

Dave [Happily]: Yep! Hear that, girl? You're coming with us!

Robbie curses darkly under his breath, storming past Friedrich and turning left, walking down the hallway towards a closed doorway in front of him. He grabs the circular hatch, twisting it roughly and slowly pushing the door open, walking through into the command room. Shortly after he enters, Heinrich, Friedrich and Dave, with Lupa nipping at his heels, walk into the command room. Robbie spins around, facing them with his hands clasped behind his back. From behind Robbie, Rudolf emerges, clutching a leather-bound book under his left arm, standing beside Heinrich and turning around.

Robbie [Coldly]: Where is Lindemaan?

Lindemaan: Behind you.

Lindemaan strolls out from behind Robbie, dusting off his peaked cap and standing beside Rudolf, turning around and setting the cap upon his head.

Robbie: Where's Lehmann?

Benito walks from the door behind Heinrich, standing beside him and flanked by a man wearing a white kriegsmarine uniform with a navy blue cap covering a blonde ponytail. The man tips his cap, standing beside Benito.

Heinrich: Here, sir.

Robbie [Coldly]: I can see him, Heinrich. I have eyes.

Lehmann: Sorry for the absence, sir.

Robbie: Just the men I want to see.

A man, manning the radio at a metal desk to their left, twists around in his chair, looking at them intently.

Radio Man [Smiling]: Did you want to see me?

Robbie narrows his eyes, looking at the radio man.

Robbie [Coldly]: Don't flatter yourself, Adelbert.

Adelbert whines, turning back around and dialling with the radio as Robbie looks at his crew. Robbie clears his throat.

Robbie: Alright, where's Erik?

Erik: Here, boss.

From behind Lehmann, a man wearing a navy blue kriegsmarine uniform appears, his head shaven to his scalp with a straw-colored, bristly beard down to his mid-neck hanging from around his jaw. He quickly stands beside Lehmann, standing at attention. Robbie clears his throat again.

Robbie: ...As you may know, me and Dave will be absentia for an undisclosed period of time following tonight. We have a mission of utmost importance to attend. As such, it leaves me and Dave unable to fulfil our duties as the commanders of this vessel. This vessel, in my opinion, the vanguard of this mercenary company, and the line of defence between Ocelot and the Academy. As such, I need to re-appoint the commanders and the important roles of this vessel so that this vessel remains the vanguard.

Heinrich: So, we get command of the vessel?

Robbie: .....You do, Heinrich.

Heinrich's eyes widen suddenly.

Heinrich: Say what?!

Robbie: You are the Kommodore, Heinrich: With the Gro├čadmiral and Generaladmirals leaving, it is your job now. I hereby promote you to the rank of Admiral.

Heinrich [Whooping]: OH MY GOTTE!!! THANK YOU!!!

Robbie: No problem. It's about damn time I assigned ranks, anyway. You'll find your new uniforms in your bunks. Lindemaan! I hereby promote you to Vizeadmiral, as well as assigning you as Oberbootsmann: You will help Heinrich, but you will also clamp down on troublemakers.

Lindemaan [Snapping his heels together and saluting]: Thank you, sir!

Robbie: Benito! I hereby promote you to Konteradmiral! Rudolf! I hereby promote you to Kommodore!

Heinrich: What of the seamen, sir?

Dave sniggers. Robbie shoots him a venomous glare.

Robbie: I am only assigning command ranks, Heinrich. Friedrich, you will be First Watch Officer. Lehmann, you will be Second Watch Officer.

Friedrich: Sir, who will be Leitender Ingenieur?

Robbie: Erik.

Erik: ...Then who will be the Steuermann?

Robbie: That is the magic of assigning these officer roles: Each one of you will assign Chief Petty Officers and Petty Officers at your own accord. I want to see ingenuity, I want to see intelligence, I want to see integrity, I want to see you all co-ordinate this U-Boat into a leaner, meaner--

Dave [Piping up]: Killing machiner!!

Robbie: And that, my comrades, is your job. You are officers now. Act like it.

Robbie snaps his heels together, as does his new officers, who quickly salute him. Robbie returns the salute, returning them to at ease.

Robbie [calmly]: This may be our final mission. We will be staring down death at every corner we turn. We may not even come back.

Robbie remains silent. A small, quiet, lone cheer is heard below them.


Robbie reaches to his thigh holster, pulling out his Luger and waving it angrily, causing the crew in front of him to duck as he twists around. Dave quickly grasps the butt of the Luger, trying to wrestle it out of Robbie's grip.


Robbie [Angrily]: THEY'LL HEAL!!

Dave growls, grasping Robbie's right hand and trying to pry his fingers apart, but Robbie simply pushes him away, stomping forward towards the hatch. Lindemaan, thinking quickly, grasps a wrench from a nearby workbench and charges forward, giving a quick swipe and slamming it against the back of Robbie's head, knocking him out and sending him sprawled forwards onto the floor, a small trickle of blood rolling down the back of his neck. The crew watch, amazed, as Lindemaan turns around, dropping the wrench to the floor with a noisy clatter.

Lindemaan [Shrugging]: He was going to shoot someone.

Dave: Lindemaan, I hereby promote you to Admiral!

Heinrich's face falls as Lindemaan puffs out his chest, giving a proud salute.

Lindemaan [Booming]: THANK YOU, SIR!

Dave: Don't let me down.

Heinrich [Scoffing]: What about me?!

Dave turns around.

Dave: ...Oh, you, yeah, you can be Vizeadmiral.

Heinrich whines as Dave turns around again, walking over to Robbie and leaning down, grasping under his arms and hauling him roughly to his feet, looking over his shoulder as he begins to drag Robbie backwards.

Dave: Watch out, gotta take him to the Lamb and Flag. Shove some alcohol down his neck.

Lindemaan [Proudly]: I won't let you down, si--

Dave [Rolling his eyes]: Yeah yeah, I get it. Now help me drag this psychotic bastard before he wakes up, will you?!

Lindemaan walks around to the front of Dave, grasping Robbie's legs and helping to carry him towards the ladder leading up to the exit hatch of the U-Boat

*Sal, Billy and Vince's Mansion*

In Sal, Billy and Vince's Mansion, Sal and Vince are standing outside of a large pale blue wooden door. Sal has a newspaper under his arm, while Vince is lounging to the left of the door, arms folded. Sal pounds his fist against the door.

Sal [Impatiently]: Are you done in there?!

Billy [Angrily]: NOT YET!!

Sal: SO! How's the eye?

Billy: Gee, let me think: GONE!

Sal: Hey, you survived!


Vince: You still survived. AND you look badass with an eyepatch!

Billy: Don't flirt with me, lad. Just wish they had cut it or somethin' so I didn't have to wear one. Would feel less weird an' all.

Sal: Look on the plus side--

Billy [Flabbergasted]: THERE'S A PLUS SIDE?!

Sal: Well, ye--

Billy [Coldly]: I'll cut one of yer eyes out, then you can see if there's a plus side!

Vince [Sniggering]: He won't see the plus side in much depth!

Billy [Coldly]: How abou' I come out there, snap yer neck, and shove i' up Sal's arse?

Sal: That's not very nice.

Billy [Bluntly]: Neither is life, lad. Go bother i'.

Vince: Don't shelter yourself from us, Billy! We're all friends here!

Billy: I'm no' sheltering myself, I just like ta use the bathroom for hours at a time!

Sal [Slamming his palm against the door]: What the fuck are you doing in there anyway?!

Billy: Why are yeh so curious?!


Billy [Scoffing]: Yeah yeah..Alright, hold yer horses yeh pussies.

The door to the bathroom is pulled open and Billy emerges, his hair shaved down to his scalp in a fine peach-like fuzz and his beard shaved down into a fine bristle around his jaw. He runs his hands across his scalp, shaking off some of the cut strands of hair and walking between Sal and Vince. Sal quickly darts through the door, slamming it shut.

Sal [Groaning]: Awwwwwww man, that's a weight off my mind!

Billy: Yeh fecking freak..

Vince: He's alrigh--

Billy [Narrowing his eyes]: Talking about yeh and that Rainbow Dash shirt.

Vince looks down at his t-shirt.

Vince: You mean there's something wrong with it?

Billy: It's a show fer little kids.

Vince: Oh, then that means..

Vince swiftly pulls a Gameboy Color from his back pocket, thrusting it into Billy's face.


Billy glares at Vince.

Billy [Hissing]: Hand me my Gameboy, or I will snap yer limbs like twigs.

Vince [Smugly]: Not until you admit that you also like little kids stuff.

Sal [Angrily]: Will you two shut up and fight downstairs?!

Billy snatches the Gameboy from Vince's grasp as Vince twists around, bolting forward and skidding to a halt, twisting right and bolting down the staircase.

Vince [Giddily]: I know where you keep your old Nintendo!

Billy [Angrily]: MY SNES?!?!

Vince: you would put it, "Mah sexty-fehr!"

Billy [Angrily]: You will die fer daring ta touch my Nintendo Sixty Four, and fer daring ta MOCK MY ACCENT!!

Billy sprints forward, twisting right and bolting down the staircase after Vince. Vince quickly jumps down the final three stairs, turning left.


Billy growls loudly and Vince turns to face the stairs, watching as Billy dives off from halfway down the staircase.


Vince prepares to sprint forward, but Billy's entire body slams roughly into Vince, sending him sprawling roughly to the floor at the foot of a small end table, his head slamming roughly off one of the legs and causing a duck egg blue bone china vase to rock ominously.

Vince: ...I've seen this in cartoons...

The vase topples, hitting Vince's face with a rough thud before rolling off of him and across the laminate flooring without a scratch on it. Vince's legs twitch.

Vince [In pain]: ..Oi...

Billy [Pulling himself to his feet]: I warned yeh.

Vince [Wheezing]: I....see...Fluttershy..

Billy: Shh. Shh..that's just the brain damage.

Vince [Inanely]: But I can has love and tolerance too, purple Billy?

Billy [Raising an eyebrow]: Just what tha fuck do yeh smoke when no-ones around?

Vince [Inanely]: Purple chopsticks and bright lights of a metropolis born!

The toilet flushes upstairs as Billy taps Vince's side with his foot.

Billy: Get up.

Vince [Rambling]: No momma, no more goat soup. Goats are good animals! I like Fluttershy, she's so warm and fluffy! Pancakes are so yumyum!

Sal: Just what in the fuck did you do to him?

Billy looks over his shoulder as Sal slowly strolls down the stairs, newspaper tucked under his left arm as he fastens his belt. Billy gives a small shrug.

Billy [Bluntly]: Tackled him and made him slam his head off of tha table leg.

Sal: Jesus, Billy! If you damage his brain any more, we have to find a care home for him! And i'm not taking money out of my pocket just to pay for it!

Vince [Mumbling]: Me wants Fluttershy.. Billy: Didn't Phil skin her?


Billy's head snaps around, glaring at Sal.

Billy: What tha fuck is up with yeh?

Sal [Shiftily]: Nothin'.

Billy [Eyes narrowing]: Yeh're hiding a secret.

Sal [Shiftily]: No i'm not.

Billy's mouth goes abnormally straight before he lunges forward, grasping Sal's collar. Sal yelps, wriggling violently in Billy's grip. The combination of wriggling and Billy's vice-like grip leads to Sal slipping downwards, straight out of his shirt. Billy stares in disbelief at a tattoo of Twilight Sparkle on Sal's left chest.

Billy [Pointing, in disbelief]: WHAT THA HELL IS THAT?!

Sal: That, my friend, is the combination of several shots, Courtney with a tattoo gun, and Vince owning a PS Vita.

Billy [Sighing darkly and shaking his head]: All of yeh are insane..

Sal turns around, walking towards a large wooden door. Billy lunges forward, grasping the waist of Sal's black pants and yanking them down.

Sal: OI!

Billy [Cackling]: HA! PANTSED!---WHAT THA HELL IS THA'?!

Billy points at Sal's left arse cheek, a small M16 surrounded by three stars tattooed on it. Sal: ..That's my cutie mark.

Billy [Flabbergasted]: ...I..Yeh...Uhh..Wha...Well.......I don't even.

Sal leans down, grasping his boxers and pants and pulling them up, tightening his belt before picking up his shirt.

Sal: So?

Vince kips up to his feet, arms spread.

Vince [Giddily]: TA-DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Billy blinks, looking at Vince.

Billy: He has one too, don't he?

Sal: Yep.

Vince: One what?

Sal: Cutie mark.

Vince [Grinning]: Damn straight!

Billy sighs, rubbing his eyes.

Sal: Well, I was gonna go cook up some dinner, but we could go--

Billy [Bluntly]: --ta a pub and not risk food poisoning.

Sal [Bitterly]: Fucking cyclops asshole.

Billy: Oooo! Look at yeh! Already with tha one-eyed insults!

Vince: Guys, shall we just go?!

Billy [Sighing]: ....So, Lamb and Flag?

Sal [Sighing dramatically]: We may as well! We'll be summoned there later anyway!

Billy: Aye, let's pop down.

Billy reaches into his jeans pocket, pulling out a bundle of dollar bills and scrunching them into a small ball, lifting up his eyepatch and pushing the dollar bills loosely into the empty eyesocket. Sal and Vince watch in absolute horror as Billy sets his eyepatch back over his eye, patting it.

Sal [Wincing]: Dude, what the fuck?!

Billy: Shut up, it's cool.

Billy walks past them towards the wooden door into the living room. Sal and Vince exchange awkward looks before shaking their heads in unison and following him.

*The Chop Shop*

In the garage run by the Hispanic mechanics, That Random Guy is knelt in the middle of the floor, his hands tied together and placed behind his back while Mustafa stands behind him, cracking his knuckles threateningly. Johan, Bobby and Stoofer are watching, sitting on the wings of the almost-finished fighter jet as That Other Random Guy stands some distance away from his compatriot, a band-aid over his broken nose. Eligio, the man formerly known only as That Hispanic Guy, is pacing back and forth in front of That Random Guy, clutching his silver-tipped bullwhip in his hand.

Eligio [Coldly]: Go on, tell your compadres about how you let me get captured.

That Random Guy [Nervously]: i-It's hazy.

That Other Random Guy: I received my beating, you fucking coward. Tell them.

Eligio: My compadres, let me remind you that THIS man [Eligio waves a hand towards That Other Random Guy] managed to snap one of the soldiers necks and use a crowbar to stab another two before being knocked out. The only reason this man sports a wound is because you, Mustafa, used the single punch to break it--

Mustafa: Hey! It's not my fault his flesh is fragile!

That Other Random Guy [Snapping]: I specifically said not to go for the face!

Johan: But your face is so punchable!

That Other Random Guy flips Johan the bird as he laughs loudly.


That Random Guy [Muttering]: swahaingpiss..

Eligio: Excuse me?

That Random Guy [Clearer]: ...Was having a piss..

Eligio: That's right: This nameless, faceless little bitch was taking a piss while a few of our Praying Mantis friends raided the garage and took me hostage.

That Random Guy [Whining sadly]: Eligio..I'm sorry.


That Other Random Guy growls, cracking his knuckles as he glares at That Random Guy.

That Random Guy: Go ahead, then....Shoot me...I deserve it...

Mustafa: YES! Can I do it?! PLEASE!!

Eligio nods. That Random Guy gulps, bowing his head as Mustafa cocks the Glock, pressing it against the back of That Random Guy's skull. Eligio slowly walks over to That Random Guy, cupping his cheeks and leaning down, kissing the top of his head softly.

Eligio: Forgive me, compadre...........[Pulling back and pointing at him]: HIS NAME IS MELVIN!!!!!!!



Melvin reaches back behind him, grasping the Glock and wrestling for the trigger. Mustafa quickly turns the safety on as Melvin pulls the trigger uselessly.


Eligio [Narrowing his eyes]: Because I am a bastard, and a bastard I will always be.

Johan: Seriously?! Melvin?! Did your parents hate you?!

Stoofer: Melvin. What a name.


Stoofer: And what's wrong with the name Marcos? It's better than Melvin.

Melvin [Angrily]: SCREW YOU!!!

Bobby: Awww, he's getting angry!

That Random Guy: If I could free my arms, i'd kill you!

Bobby [Underwhelmed]: Yeah. Right.

Mustafa: Awww, isn't he cute when he's angry?

Eligio [Chuckling]: ...Ahhh fuck him.

Melvin [Angrily]: FUCK YOU!!

Bobby: So, what now?

Stoofer [Thinking]: ....Drink?

Johan [Clapping his hands together]: Drink!

Eligio [Ecstatically]: SI SI SI SI! Let's grab a drink!

Melvin: What about me?! GUYS?!

That Other Random Guy presses the sole of his foot into Melvin's back, shoving him forward and sending him splaying onto the floor.

That Other Random Guy: Fuck you, Melvin.

That Other Random Guy follows the other mechanics as they run out of the garage door. Mustafa turns around, slamming the door shut as Melvin lays there.

Melvin: Well, at least the day can't get any worse.

Melvin simply lays there, rocking side-to-side.

Melvin [Twitching]: ...N-No.....ITCHY NOSE!!!!!!!

*The Dog and Handgun*

In the basement of the Dog and Handgun, Brick is busy shoving wooden crates against the wall as Mister Moneypennies watches, coiled up in the middle of the concrete floor as Brick shoves one of the crates against a large stack of crates erected in front of a recently-plastered wall, dusting his hands off and rubbing them on his sleeveless red-and-black-check flannel shirt.

Brick : Hotdamn! That's finally done! All the food and alcohol packed away!

Moneypennies: Sheeit dude, why d'ya have a bottle of Jack and Jim out, for?!

Brick turns around, two full bottles of Jack Daniels and Jim Beam jingling in his breast pockets.

Brick: ...Research.

Moneypennies: Research?

Brick [Sighing]: ..I'm taking 'em on the mission.

Moneypennies: You better have room for me in there, son!

Brick: Don't worry, snake dude: Can't have the Tanker or Big Shell without a cameo from you!

Moneypennies: SUH-WEEEEEETTT!!

Brick [Yawning and stretching]: Right, well, now that the fridge is emptied, freezer's sorted, alcohol and moonshine's packed away...Gotta go secure the place!

Moneypennies: Gots to wake up Jon? Brick: C'mon, snake dude. Let's go wake up Sleeping Ugly.

Moneypennies [Hissing and sniggering]: Sheeit dude..

Brick, followed by Moneypennies, walk out of the cellar and through the open doorway, up a set of stairs and turning left, opening the door and filing out from it into the main room. Jon, naked except for underwear, is lying on the stage, his left arm around a blonde strippers chest, covering her breasts as he snores loudly. Brick stands near him, glaring down at him. Jon groans, opening his eyes as Brick folds his arms. Jon slowly lifts his head, looking at him.

Jon [Mumbling]: Wha?

Brick: D'ya have to fall asleep on the stage?!

Jon yawns, laying his head back down.

Jon: Doesn't matter..had sex..

Brick: Our final day here for a good while, and yer just gonna lie there?!

Jon [Bluntly]: Doesn't matter. Had sex.

Brick: Get up.

Jon [Craning his head again]: Why?! It's not like we'll be staying after tonight!!

Brick: I want to make sure no-one can break in while we're away!

Jon: Buy an attack dog!

Brick [Scoffing]: I ain't buying an attack dog with a ham in the freezer.

Jon [Incredulously]: Brick, it's a dog. it doesn't have opposable thumbs. It can't open a damned chest freezer.

Brick: It could! With it's nose!

Jon: You're fucking stupid.

Brick: Well, I don't care! I gots to put electric bars in the windows, dadgum buckets of battery acid over doors, and dadgum shotguns tied to door handles!

Jon [In disbelief]: Brick, how the fuck would we get in when we return?!

Brick: Wouldn't YOU like to know?

A small, tense silence follows.


Brick: Well, it's a secret!

Jon sighs, rolling onto his back before forcing himself into a sitting position, sliding off of the stage and onto the floor, walking over to Brick.

Jon [Calmly]: Brace yourself, Brick: I'm about to slap the taste out of that mouth and maybe knock out one of your five remaining teeth.

Brick: Hey! I still have a full mouth of healthy, yellow teeth!

Stripper [Groaning]: ..Will you guys calm down?...

Jon: See? Now you woke her up!

Brick: Whatever. I gotta secure this place good.

Jon sighs darkly, shaking his head and walking over to the double doors.

Jon: I'm going out to grab some grease.

Brick: Shouldn't you put a shirt on?

Jon [Scoffing]: Who'll give a fuck?

Jon pulls the doors open, walking out into the watery sunlight of Beale Street. Courtney walks past the street opposite, looking at Jon and wincing.

Courtney [Disgusted]: DUDE! PUT SOME PANTS ON AT LEAST!!

Jon looks down at his grey boxer shorts.

Jon: Oh.

*Phil, Jericho, Steve and Ivan's House*

In Phil, Jericho, Steve and Ivan's house, the atmosphere appears to have stood still, sucked dry of any fun or life within it. Phil and Ivan are sitting on the couch, watching the television, while Steve sits on a small couch off to the side, bobbing his head from side to side as he watches. Jericho is standing in front of a small wooden counter, pouring milk into a few steaming cups.

Steve: VIOLENCE! An explosion blasts out from the television.

Phil: Those Nazis really dug into France, huh? Wonder how they get the flak cannons there.

Ivan: Vonders of technology.

Phil: Look at them, diving out of that transport plane. Wish we did that.

Ivan [Scoffing]: Ve did that a few days ago!

Phil: ....Oh, yeah.

Jericho walks over to them, clutching four mugs of tea.

Jericho: Cuppa, lads?

Phil: Cheers mate.

Phil takes his cup of tea. Jericho sets a cup near Steve on the cardboard box which acts as a coffee table, and one next to Ivan, sitting on the couch between Phil and Ivan, sighing loudly and slumping further into the couch.

Jericho [Dully]: What are we watching?

Phil [Murmuring]: Band of Brothers.

Jericho: I see.

Jericho takes a drink of tea.

Ivan [Sighing]: I vish our life was more like theirs.

Jericho: What? Fighting Nazis?

Ivan: No! I vish it vas glamovous!

Phil: Ivan, mate, there's nothing glamorous about having your plane shot out of the sky over France by Nazis.

Ivan: Vell, Zey've landed safely!

Phil [Scoffing in disbelief]: They're split up and behind enemy lines! NAZI enemy lines!

Ivan: Yeah, vell..

Jericho: VERY glamorous.

Steve: SO BORED!!

Phil: You won't be in a good few hours, Sweet Stevie.

Jericho slaps his shoulder. Phil looks sideways at him, frowning.

Phil [Impatiently]: Just walk to the fucking desert, Jerry!

Jericho: I can't.

Ivan [Smirking]: Vhy? Someone's taken your legs?

Jericho: Well, it's just--

Steve: Yeeees?

Jericho: It's not that..It's just i've.......grown quite....fond of our Emilie.

Phil, Ivan and Steve turn their heads, looking at Jericho who takes a quick drink of tea, setting his cup down before looking around.

Phil: What in the fuck?

Jericho [Shrugging]: I mean, she's always here. She doesn't complain, she's a friendly face--

Phil: She's an undead Victorian woman whom sources indicate was sexually promiscuous and murdered in an incredibly horrible way by her own father. If you think that's a friendly face, then I must be the happiest man alive to you.

Ivan [Laughing]: And zey call ME crazy!

Steve: Yeah! Me too!

Jericho [Frowning]: What? Can't a man grow fond of an undead Victorian chick?

Phil: Wow, where do we start explaining what exactly is wrong with that sentence?

Jericho: She reminds me of home.

Phil: Was your house in the Victorian age?!

Jericho [Scowling]: No. She's English.

Phil: So am I, but you never say that I remind of you home!

Jericho: You're a Smoggy: You're all essentially the bastard lovechildren of drunken Scots and retarded English.

Phil [Shocked]: Excuse me! I resent that remark!

Jericho: You resemble that remark!!

Phil jumps to his feet, rolling up his t-shirt sleeve.

Phil [Bluntly]: That's it, I'm going to twat you one.

Jericho gets to his feet and Phil runs forward, doubled over and locks his arms around Jericho's waist, roaring loudly as he lifts him, twists him and throws him through the cardboard box acting as a coffee table, sending Ivan's mug rolling across the floor and spreading tea everywhere. Jericho simply sits up.

Jericho: You do know it isn't a proper coffee table, right?

Ivan [Yelping]: MY TEA!!

Jericho jumps to his feet, twisting around and grasping the DVD player beside the television, wrenching it violently out of the scart socket and the wall before turning around and slamming it violently over Phil's skull. phil's eyes widen as he stumbles backwards against the couch. Jericho drops the DVD player, running forward and jumping, clotheslining Phil and sending both men up and over the couch.

Steve [Giddily]: Ooo! VIOLENCE!

Phil gets to his feet, grasping Jericho by the collar of his shirt and pulling his fist back, his arm trembling. Jericho glares at him.

Jericho [Angrily]: DO IT, THEN!!

Phil [Straining]: Tell your fucking undead girlfriend to let go of my fucking arm, then!!

Jericho blinks, noticing the ghostly form of Emilie clutching Phil's arm, her eyes glowing a ruby red as she glares at him. Jericho's head twists as he watches the ghostly form of her rat, Crumpet, run up Phil's other arm and sink its teeth into his cheek. Phil screams, stomping his feet.


Ivan: I'm so used to zis shit zat it's not even vunny anymore.

Jericho grabs Phil's arm, shoving it downwards and lunges forward, slamming his forehead into Phil's. Both men reel backwards away from eachother as Emilie floats between them, glaring at Phil who is now leant against the front door, rubbing his forehead.

Phil: Ow!

Phil runs forward, but is immediately sent backwards, flying through the air and slamming roughly into the door, sliding down it and onto his rear on the floor.

Jericho [Laughing]: HAHAHA!

Phil: Fight your own battles, you pussy!

Jericho walks over to Phil, holding out a hand. Phil grasps it and Jericho pulls him to his feet, both men sighing.

Jericho [Bluntly]: ...Couch?

Phil [Sighing]: Couch.

Both men walk over to the couch, sitting back down on it. Jericho reaches beside the couch, grabbing his cup of tea and taking a quick drink from it before sighing.

Ivan [Hysterically]: Ve can't live like zis! Zis is terrible!

Jericho: This is England.


Phil: Sounds about right.

Jericho [Bluntly]: Yup.

Phil: Life is grand, eh?

Jericho: Aye.

Jericho takes a drink of tea.

Jericho [Calmly]: Someone shoot me.

Phil: Maybe later.

Ivan: Ve have Big Shell to go to.

Jericho [Sighing]: Don't remind me.

Jericho pats his shoulder. Phil looks ahead at the television, raising an eyebrow.

Phil: ...Does she get her tits out?

Jericho, Ivan and Steve turn their heads, looking at Phil as he takes a quick drink of tea.

Phil: Just wondering.

Jericho [Narrowing his eyes]: What in the name of Mithras is wrong with you?!

Phil: She does, doesn't she?

Jericho: Phil, she's not a succubus. She's a ghost.

Steve: There's a difference?!

Jericho: Yes: Succubi can make it feel like you're having sexual intercourse with them and they take your sperm to impregna--

Phil [Laughing in disbelief]: And you think somethings wrong with me?!?!

Jericho: ....No, I haven't seen her tits, Phil.

Jericho takes a small drink of tea. Jericho: I imagine they're pretty transparent, though.

Phil: Aye.

Jericho: Quite perky beneath that corset, though.

Phil: Aye.

Ivan [Shaking his head]: I left Pripyat for zis?!

Phil: Bet they feel cold, though.

Jericho [Grunting]: Mm.

Phil: Shame.

Jericho: Aye.

The ghostly form of Emilie appears in front of them, hovering slightly as her eyes glow violet, half-closed. Phil tilts his head left and right, trying to look through Emilie's half-transparent form.

Phil: Jerry, tell her girlfriend she's in the way of the telly.

Jericho: Phil, the television isn't on anymore.

Phil blinks, narrowing his eyes.

Phil [Kicking the floor half-heartedly]: Dammit.

Ivan: Vell, is she going to dance?

Steve: I got a bad feeling about this!

Emilie reaches behind her, fiddling with something.

Phil: Alright, I don't like this.

Ivan: Neither do I.

Jericho [Shrugging]: Well, this is new and exciting!

Emilie's corset falls to the floor, revealing her bare, pale torso. Jericho, Phil and Ivan double-take, flinching backwards, each man pressing backwards into the couch which slowly topples backwards. They scream in unison as the couch collapses to the floor, both men still sitting on it with their feet in the air.

Ivan: Vell, zis is comfortable!

Phil: She's got a nice pair, though.

Jericho: Aye..

Steve [Giggling]: You guys look like turtles!

Jericho, Phil and Ivan groan in unison.

Jericho: ....May as well pop down the Lamb and Flag. Others are heading there in preperation for tomorrow morning.

Phil: What? Are you honestly suggesting we should march onto the Tanker and into Big Shell with a hangover?!

Jericho: That's exactly what i'm suggesting.

Phil slowly rolls backwards, landing on his knees and pulling himself to his feet, dusting off his hands.

Phil [Shrugging]: Let's not waste time, then.

Phil reaches both his hands down and Jericho and Ivan take them. Phil pulls them both up to their feet as they motion to Steve who gets to his feet, all four men walking towards the door.

*Frank, Lynch, Will, Bob, Dave and Robbie's House*

Back in the house containing the leader of the company, Lynch himself is buttoning up a white dress shirt as Robbie and Dave sit on the couch, legs laid out on the coffee table. Lynch looks over at them, walking over to them and slapping his hands on their shoulders.

Lynch: Get up, you lazy cunts. I want one good night on the piss.

Robbie: Do we have to?

Lynch [Sharply]: Yes. Even Frank's getting dressed.

Dave: Frank would wear a diaper if it meant drinking alcohol.

Lynch: He's already done that, though.

Robbie shudders violently.

Robbie: Of all the violence thine eyes have seen, Frank's hairy ass in a diaper makes me most want to scream.

Dave [Darkly]: Makes me want to puke.

Will [Piping up]: Lynch, don't make the mongoloids puke. It's a hell of a job cleaning it up.

Will strolls out from his room, buttoning up a sapphire blue blazer over a black turtleneck.

Lynch: Nice to see you looking like a complete and utter pretentious prick, Will.

Will: Hey! I killed for my team during the mission, dammit! Just let me dress to impress at least once without giving me a jealousy-filled snarky comment!

Lynch [Bluntly]: Never.

Will [Snidely]: Fuck you.

A knock raps against the door as Frank walks out of his room, slicking his hair back.

Will: Hey, Frank. Going for the greased redneck look, huh?

Frank [Shrugging]: Man's gotta look good.

Will: Great. So, when do you start?

Frank scowls as Lynch pulls the door open, revealing none other than Johnny and Tim, the cameraman and boom-mic operator from when Rex interviewed the company who decided to pack away their gear and grab a rifle instead, dressed from head to toe in their desert camouflage fatigues, indicating their freshness from the Academy. Lynch looks them up and down as Johnny and Tim salute in unison.

Tim [Boisterously]: SIR!

Johnny: Lynch, we are reporting for duty!

Lynch blinks rapidly, looking at both of them.

Lynch: I see.

Tim: You didn't forget about us, did you?

Lynch: Of course.

Johnny: ....Not?

Lynch: No: Of course I did.

Tim: Charming.

Lynch: Alright, come on in. You two'll do.

Johnny: We'll do?

Lynch: That's what I said, assholes. Can you fire a gun?

Tim: Y--

Lynch: Good enough for me! Come in and shut the damn door.

Johnny and Tim file into the house. Tim shuts the door behind him as Lynch begins buttoning up his white dress shirt to the collar.

Tim: Night out?

Lynch: We want to be on that Tanker with hangovers.

Tim: Can we come?

Lynch: Count it as your first official get together.

Dave: And bar brawl!

Lynch [Scowling]: There won't be a bar brawl.

Dave [Smirking]: That's what YOU think, boss hog.

Frank: Yeah! It isn't a night of drinking without mindless violence!

Will: Or sex.

Everyone falls silent, looking at Will.

Will: What?

Dave: That's not the kind of teambuilding we're into, partner.

Will: Says you!

Dave: And what does that mean?!

Will: The leather vest? Yeah, I bet you have assless chaps in your wardrobe!

Tim: Uh, you do know that most homosexuals don't flaunt themselves, right?


Robbie [Laughing]: HAH!!

Everyone turns their head to Robbie.

Robbie: What? I liked the pun!

Lynch [Shaking his head and looking over at Johnny and Tim]: Well, boys: Welcome to Hell. Ready to join us?

Johnny [Determined]: Ready as we'll ever be!

Bob: I used to be like you: That fire in my belly and that spark in my eyes.

Johnny: Well, yeah, we're--

Bob: I lost it after my first mission.

Robbie [Piping up]: Along with his sanity.

Dave: You mean he was sane to begin with? Ouch!

Will: He also lost his virginity after his first official mission.

Dave: To Laughing Octopus.

Frank: Those tentacles, man. Like something out of one of Will's animes.

Will [Taken aback]: Oh, so it was you who 'borrowed' my copy of Matsumoto Monster Mash Five?!

Frank: What can I say? I'm a man of discerning tastes!

Will: Says the man who once ordered scat porn.

Frank: Hey! I was drunk and it was cheap!

Lynch turns around, looking at Frank with a mixed look of revulsion and confusion on his face.

Lynch: .....Frank, can you go day...without disgusting me?

Frank: Go and scream in your sleep again.

Lynch [Darkly]: That's a very personal issue you're treading on.

Robbie: And he'll snap your legs if you tread further!

Lynch narrows his eyes, nodding.

Frank [Raising his arms defensively]: Alright! Alright! Jeez..

Johnny: Is it always this violent in the company??

Dave: Hell yes! It's beautiful, isn't it?

Tim [Shrugging]: Well, they said we should get used to madness when we were at the Academy.

Will: Did they tell you to get used to Frank's stench melting paint?

Frank: It does not!

Bob: It just kills plants.

Frank [Scoffing]: Fuck you, you manic-depressive!

Lynch: Shut up, and let's get a drink. Johnny, Tim, you buy the first two rounds.

Johnny: Why--

Frank: Induction.

Tim [Laughing nervously]: Well, guess it's better than having the soles of our feet beaten with red-hot metal canes like in the Academy..

Lynch: Hey, now, we were planning to do that after a few drinks! You just gave away the surprise!

Dave whines slightly.

Robbie [Patting him on the back]: It's alright, we can come up with something involving metal rods, a brick, two pints of beer, and a sheep named Julius.

Dave [Taken aback]: What the fuck, man?

Robbie: Wouldn't you like to know?

Lynch wrenches the door open, walking outside as Frank follows.

Johnny: Well, it has to be better than being film crew.

Bob [Walking past them and laughing cruelly]: HAH! I wouldn't count on that!

*The Lamb and Flag*

At the Lamb and Flag, Dick is leant over the bar, checking his nails in boredom as Maurice and Moe carefully balance a pint of beer on Brick's head as he sits very still on a bar stool.

Maurice [Grinning]: Careful, lad..Careful..

Brick: Git it..Git it..

Maurice: Now!

Brick lunges his head up and the pint glass tips backwards. Maurice quickly opens his mouth, catching every drop of lager as Moe cheers loudly. Jon is sitting at a table behind them, looking on with a sneer on his face.

Jon [Sarcastically]: Wow. How amazing.

Brick: Yer just jealous of Maurice's skills!

Jon: Not really.

Dick lets out a loud sigh, standing up straight and dusting off his black apron, cricking his neck from side to side.


The double doors to the Lamb and Flag crash open as Frank is thrown violently through them. Frank screams as he slides across the recently-polished linoleum, skidding across the entire length of the floor before his head slams against the edge of the karaoke stage. Lynch slowly walks through the open doors, dusting off his hands.

Lynch: Fuck, that moon is bright tonight.

Dick [Muttering]: Probably something to do with a fucking rip in the space-time continuum..

Lynch blinks, looking over his shoulder at the silvery circle hanging on the violet blanket that is the sky.

Lynch: No, it's just bright.

Johnny and Tim walk through the open doors. Dick lifts his head slightly.

Dick: Got their badges?

Johnny taps on his right arm, revealing a red x with "File Not Found" in white letters over it. Dick squints, looking at it.

Dick: ..That's pretty sad.

Lynch: We're still thinking of a suitable emblem.

Dick: How about a cross-eyed skull saying "Durp" with a question mark over it?

Lynch [Narrowing his eyes]: Don't make me rip your throat out.

Dick [Smirking]: Oh, please, your threats don't scare me. As ex-Valiant Company, I could just tear your arm off and beat you to death with it.

Lynch: I thought that was a staple of Greaves Company?

Dick: No, they CUT the arm off and beat you to death with it.

Lynch: So what could be our companies staple?

Dick: You already have a company staple: Running headfirst into battle without a fucking plan.

Dave: Hey, that's a good thing! It worked in Hungary, dammit!

Dave strolls through the door, flanked by Robbie who is busy pulling on a thick leather leash.

Robbie [Through gritted teeth]: MOVE. YOU. BITCH!!!

The form of Lupa, sitting on her rear and panting heavily as if nothing is happening, is dragged through the door as Robbie falls to his knees, violently pulling on the leash over his shoulder.

Dave [Taken aback]: Damn son, are you walking the wolf or is the wolf walking you?

Robbie [Bitterly]: This wouldn't be happening IF WE SHOT HER! Dave: No shooting my baby!


Frank groans loudly, pushing himself up to his feet and stumbling backwards as Lynch, Dave and Robbie sit at a table. Lupa quickly hops onto a chair, sitting on her rear legs.

Lynch [Laughing]: Damn, that dog is smarter than half of you.

Will strolls in, grinning brightly. His grin immediately cuts out when he enters the pub.

Will: Wow, is this it?

Lynch: They'll be here soon: Just wait.

Will: I see the rednecks are here.

Jon [Bitterly]: Gay fuck..

Will [Swiftly]: That's very flattering of you, but I think that I could do much better than you, thank you very much.

Moe [Laughing]: BURNED!!

Bob strolls in, rubbing his eyes.

Bob: What? Burned? Where?

Lynch: Bob, come here and sit down.

Bob gives a small nod as Frank walks over to the bar. Dick slowly narrows his eyes, looking at him.

Dick: Yes?

Frank: Hey, Dick, I wanted to check something.

Dick: Your teeth?

Frank: No. Your diploma from the academy.

Dick: It's on the wall.

Frank: So it's true? You were here when Beale Street was being built? Dick turns his head to Lynch.

Dick: Is he having a fucking laugh? Lynch: Nope.

Dick: OF COURSE I WAS, FUCKMOOK!! What? Did you think I just magically appeared here? Or that they let someone not associated with the Academy waltz in and open a pub?

Frank: What about Al and the Half Moon?

Dick: I've been here longer.

Al's Voice [Calling out]: Lies and slander!


Al's Voice [Calling out]: MAKE ME!

Dick fumbles underneath the bar, pulling out a double barrelled shotgun.


Al's Voice: Bring it on!

Maurice growls, cracking his knuckles as he walks over to the doorway.


Al's Voice: Yeah, well, there's PMC's in my pub!

Dick [Bitterly]: What a fucking bastard.

The doors open and Eligio walks through the doorway, flanked by Bobby and Mustafa. Spontaneously, everyone stands up, an applause ringing out, even from Will and Jon. Eligio simply gives a grin, bowing his head slightly.

Eligio: Gracias. Muchos gracias for the help, my compadres. Muchos Gracias. Muchos.

Lynch: Well done, you fucking fighter.

Maurice: Good work, lad.

Brick [Nodding]: Glad to see yer alright.

Eligio: Gracias..Gracias..But I just want a drink..

Dave: I love you!

Eligio [Pointing at Dave]: Not without a few drinks first.

A small ripple of laughter rolls through the bar as Eligio walks forward to an empty table, applause still ringing out.

Mustafa: Damn, he's getting an applause? We're the ones who saved him.

Bobby: Martyrdom, Mustafa: Everyone remembers a martyr.

Mustafa: But he never died for a cause, so he's not a martyr.

Bobby: Trust me: He's as close as this Company will get to one.

Mustafa shrugs nonchalantly, following Bobby over to the table where Eligio is sat as the applause slowly dies off. Johan enters next, looking over his shoulder.

Johan: Damn, Bill has already cracked open a few bottles!

Lynch [Sighing]: Really?!

Johan: ....Well, he is vomiting it up now.

Frank [Mumbling]: Lucky bastard..

Lynch [Coldly]: Shut up or I will tear your eyes out and fist your eyesockets.

Frank [Shuddering]: Lynch, you have issues!

Stoofer enters the bar, patting Johan on the back.

Stoofer: Next time Bill vomits, do me a favour and hold him down while I 'stoof' him.

Eligio: How the hell would you do that?

Stoofer: ...Kill him with a knife to the throat. Cut his belly open and pull out his organs, dry his body out in the desert, stuff his body with straw, bend his arms and fingers inwards over his stomach, and when the wind blows: The fingers will hit his belly and play the song of my people.

Eligio [Taken aback]: ...And just what is the song of your people?!

Stoofer: I can't replicate it faithfully, but it is a well known fact that the song of my people is the sound of fifty angels crying as they are slowly beaten to death by baseball bats after their eyes have been plucked out and they have been crucified on a cross made of barbed wire that has been set alight.

Dave [Smarmily]: Yeah, I heard that song: Made the number one in Mexico, didn't it?

Stoofer: Anywhere I go, it's number one.

Stoofer walks over to Eligio's table, sitting between Mustafa and Johan.

Dave: Yeah, he scares me. Dean walks in, looking around the pub.

Dean: Huh. Not many people here.

Bill stumbles through the door, waving a half-empty bottle of Smirnoff Vodka.

Bill [Slurring]: Hey..shup guys?...Am I late?..

Lynch [Bluntly]: Oh for fucks sake.


Everyone in the bar turns silent, their heads turning to look at Bill who collapses face-first to the floor, his vodka bottle smashing into pieces. Dean shakes his head, walking over to an empty table and sitting down as That Other Random Guy walks in through the still open doors and lets them shut behind him as he steps over Bill.

Frank: What happened to him?

That Other Random Guy: Turns out he has a stash hidden in a dumpster in the Square.

Frank [Eyes widening]: You..don't say?

That Other Random Guy: Apparently.

Phil shoves the doors open, walking into the pub.

Phil: HELLO LADS!! Hey, Bill's already cracked the booze open.

Lynch: Against our wishes.

Samuel appears behind Phil as he steps over Bill.

Samuel: Hey guys.

Frank: Hiya newb.

Samuel: Hey drunkie.

Frank narrows his eyes.

Frank: Fuck you, newb.

Samuel: Frank, that's a nice aftershave you're wearing...Pickled eggs, vodka and--Oh, sorry, it's just your natural odour.

Tom Morello suddenly runs through the open doors, pointing at Frank.


Tom Morello quickly runs out as Samuel sits at the table with Dean and Karab. Phil walks forward, sitting at an empty table next to Lynch's.

Samuel: Dean.

Dean [Bitterly]: ...Sammy.

Samuel: What's wrong, Dean?

Dean [Mumbling]: Fucking part of the team now..

Samuel [Smirking]: I know. Great, isn't it?

Dean [Bitterly]: Asshole.

Jon walks through the doors, followed by Brick.

Dick: So, the bastards file in. Hello, bastards.

Jon [Narrowing his eyes]: Dick.

Dick [Narrowing his own eyes]: You better not be here to sabotage me, boy.

Jon: Why would I want to? We're leaving tomorrow morning. According to Lynch.

Lynch [Piping up]: Which is according to the eggheads at the Academy!

Dick: I've got my eyes on you..

Brick: We ain't here for war, buddy! Besides, not much to take out.

Dick [Bitterly]: Asshole.

Brick and Jon sit at the table with Dean, Samuel and Karab.

Samuel: Looking forward to my first mission with the whole team!

Dean [Bitterly]: You're an asshole and an embarassment.

Samuel: Jeez, Dean, who pissed in your coffee this morning?


Samuel: Dean, that would mean she's your mother too.

Dean scowls as Steve walks through the door, scratching his head and looking down at Bill.

Steve [Whining]: Awww, I'm late?!?!

Lynch: No. Pull up a seat.

Steve walks over to the table Phil is sat at, pulling up a seat and sitting down at the table

Steve: Phil!

Phil: Hello Steve.

Steve [Grinning inanely]: Missed you.

Phil [Blinking]: I only arrived in this pub ten minutes before you.

Steve: Still missed you!

Phil [Shaking his head]: One day, we'll restore that bloody genius who entered the Academy before the brain damage.

Steve nods, grasping the ashtray and licking the ashes. Phil narrows his eyes.

Phil [Taken aback]: Steve, no.

Phil grasps the ashtray, pulling it from Steve's hands as Jericho and Ivan walk in.

Lynch: Look at what the cat dragged in!

Jon [Snidely]: Look at what the cat coughed out!

Jericho [Scathingly]: And look at what the cat shit out!

Jon: Fuck you, Limey!

Jericho lunges towards the table. Brick quickly stands up, holding out his hands.

Brick: Woah woah, let's calm down, fellas!

Jon [Narrowing his eyes]: Try it, Limey.

Jericho: After i've had a few pints, i'll hit you so hard that it'll put your grandchildren in wheelchairs.

Ivan: That vasn't a good threat.

Jericho [Sighing]: Alright then, what is a good threat, Russki?

Ivan [Coldly]: I vill piss down your throat and drown you.

Jon [Taken aback]: Okay, that's just sick, and I wouldn't be surprised if you tried it.

Ivan [Grinning]: See?! It's all in the voice and the creativity of the threat!

Jericho and Ivan walk over to the table where Phil and Steve are sat, sitting down. Dean looks around.

Dean: Who are we waiting for?

Bob: The others.

Bill: Fuck 'em! Let's drink!

The doors open as Billy enters the pub. Seemingly on cue, every person in the pub stands up, applauding as Billy simply nods, raising his arms and pumping his fists.

Billy [Smiling]: Thank you. Thank you.

Everyone keeps applauding as Sal and Vince enters. Vince grins, bowing deeply.

Vince: Thank you!

Billy swings his left fist down and backwards, hitting Vince in the top of his skull. Vince yelps, stumbling backwards as Billy walks forward, sitting at Lynch's table. Sal and Vince join Jericho's table. Lynch slams his fists on the table, getting to his feet.

Lynch: Let's put some fucking music on and have a drink!

The pub roars in approval as several mercenaries rush towards the bar, forcing Dick to hastily grab some pint glasses.


The pub roars once more in approval as Johnny sheepishly gets up, walking over to the bar.

Jericho [Grinning]: AND DON'T BE A CHEAP SOD, EITHER!!

Johnny: Alright, then. TWENTY FOUR BOTTLES OF CORONA!!!

A huge roar of enthusiasm goes up as Dick quickly scrambles below the bar, reaching into the fridge and quickly uncapping several bottles of Corona while shoving roughly-cut lime wedges into the necks of the bottle. Billy pats Johnny's back.

Billy [Quietly]: Atta boy. Keep up the back-scratching and you'll be seen as a full member of the Company before you know it.

Phil [Piping up]: I mean, you won't want to be, but you will be!

Johnny: Please: I was a cameraman for a narcissistic vegetarian asshole. What could this Company possibly do that's worse?

Ivan: Oh, you vill see! You. Vill. See.

Bob [Looking around]: Hey, where are the two girls?

Lynch shrugs.

Lynch: Lezzing out? How would I know? I don't have a private camera in their room.

Lynch looks over at Jericho, Phil and Ivan at the opposite end of the bar. Jericho, Phil and Ivan slowly lift their heads, narrowing their eyes.

Phil: Don't even insinuate that. Lynch: Well then, where the hell are they?!


Over in ReLoaded, Tavi and Courtney are busy downstairs, packing the guns on display in the shop for visiting PMC's and military units into metal khaki boxes for safekeeping as most of the mercenaries abandon Beale Street. Tavi is busy packing away a large amount of RPG-7's, while Courtney is busy with dismantling worn M4 Assault Rifles and packing them into crates.

Courtney: Well, this is fun, isn't it?

Tavi [Quietly]: Well, you were the one who wanted to sleep until midday.

Courtney: And you were the one who wanted to have a Victorian tea party!

Tavi: Oh, hush, it was fun!

Tavi and Courtney fall silent, listening to the sounds of whooping next door from the Lamb and Flag.

Frank's Voice [Loudly]: LOOK AT ME, MA! THERE'S A SHEEP ON MY HEAD!

Lynch's Voice [Taken aback]: WHERE THE FUCK DID THE SHEEP COME FROM?!

Tim's Voice [Laughing]: THIS IS INSANITY!

Tavi: Well, at least they're having fun.

Courtney: Of course they are: Morons and beer are a volatile combination, but a fun combination.

The lightshade on the ceiling begins to rattle as "I'm Shipping Up To Boston" by Dropkick Murphy's erupts from the pub next door. Courtney sighs, shaking her hands which are beginning to ache from the repetitive strain.

Tavi: Courtney..What if Wolf's gone? Like, mentally?

Courtney: "if"?

Tavi: What do you mean?

Courtney [Chuckling]: Wolf has long since gone in the head. If anything, it was barely being kept together. Like trying to glue together a broken china vase with spit and soap.

Tavi [Hesitantly]: Y-You don't think she'll come for us?

Courtney [Bluntly]: Probably.

Tavi: ...Us specifically?

Courtney: Yep.

Tavi and Courtney listen as the raucous behaviour next door begins to grow louder.

Jericho [Cackling]: LOOK AT ME, MA! I'M CAESAR!

Courtney slowly sets down her last dismantled M4 into a crate filled with straw and closes the lid, slamming her hands onto it and grasping the counter she is stood behind, vaulting over it and walking towards the door.

Tavi: Where are you going?

Courtney: For a drink before we go.

Tavi: ....Hang on, WE'RE going?

Courtney [Raising an eyebrow]: We're ALL going.

Tavi sighs darkly, bowing her head and rubbing her eyes.

Tavi [Quietly]: Yeah..forgot.

Courtney: Smile! You get to shoot people!

Tavi groans, stretching her back slightly and flicking her tail before walking over to the door.

Tavi: Alright, then.

Tavi and Courtney walk out of ReLoaded, shutting the door behind them and turning left, watching as Jericho, wearing nothing but a toga, is thrown violently through one of the windows in a shower of wood and glass.


Jericho growls, dusting himself off and getting to his feet, pulling a pair of brass knuckles clasped over his knuckles further onto his right hand.

Jericho [Angrily]: I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU UP!!

Jericho dives through the window. Tavi and Courtney simply watch, as Tavi looks shocked while Courtney grins.

Tavi: It's not too late have another tea--

Courtney [Grasping her arm and pulling her along]: YOU! ME! DRINK!

*The Lamb and Flag*

The Lamb and Flag has been overtaken utterly by chaos. Dick is sitting behind the bar, cradling a double-barreled shotgun as "Flannigan's Ball" by Dropkick Murphy's explodes at maximum volume from the speakers erected on the karoake stage. Jericho and Robbie are busy exchanging blows as Brick, Dave, Jon and Steve cheer them on. Vince, splayed out on a table unconscious with a party hat on his head, is busy having his face drawn on by Sal with a permanent marker. Billy is busy dancing on the same table, his feet stomping in time with the drums as he drinks a pint of Guinness.

Billy [Rambunctiously]: In the town of Milton, One Brian Flannigan battered away till his money was spent! Then he hit a big one and felt like a man again! Bought a three decker with two floors for rent!


Bob quickly climbs up onto his own table as Lynch does bicep curls using a stool that Will is sat on.

Bob [Horrendously out-of-tune, waving an empty pint glass]: He threw a big party for friends and relations at a grand old place called Florian Hall! And if you'll just listen, I'll make your eyes glisten to the rows and the ructions of Flannigan's Ball!!

Phil and Ivan hop onto their own table, holding up bottles of Guinness and placing an arm around eachothers shoulders, waving their bottles in the air.

Bob, Billy, Phil and Ivan [Screaming]: Six long months I spent in Quincy! Six long months doing nothing at all! Six long months I spent in Quincy! Learning to dance for Flannigan's Ball! I stepped out and I stepped in again!! I stepped out and I stepped in again!! I stepped out and I stepped in again!! Learning to dance for Flannigan's Ball!!

Tavi and Courtney walk over to the bar. Tavi slaps the bar as Dick quickly gets to his feet.

Dick: What'll it be?

Courtney: Let's start small: A fishbowl of Bloody Mary!

Dick sighs, squatting down and pulling out an empty fishbowl, setting it on the bar as Jericho hops onto it, diving onto Robbie and tackling him to the floor. Lupa rushes over, taking the back of Jericho's hair between her hair.

Jericho [Screaming]: FUCK! THAT'S CHEATING!


Steve: KILL! KILL!

Jericho [Being shook by the head]: DAMMIT STEVE! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE!!

Phil [Loudly]: Free beer on tap and wine for the ladies, ! Ziti and sauce for Mark Porzio! There were Faheys and Bradys! McCauliffe's and Daley's courtin' the girls and dancing away!

Bob [Out-of-tune]: Brian Tully sang out in his finest form! The patron's responded and I lead em all! I'd spent 6 months at Forbes Academy! Learning to dance for Flannigan's Ball!

Bob, Billy, Phil and Ivan [Screaming louder, stomping their feet in time to the drums]: Six long months I spent in Quincy! Six long months doing nothing at all! Six long months I spent in Quincy! Learning to dance for Flannigan's Ball! I stepped out and I stepped in again!! I stepped out and I stepped in again!! I stepped out and I stepped in again!! Learning to dance for Flannigan's Ball!!

Frank stumbles past, carrying a sheep on his head.

Frank [Giggling]: I'M BO PEEP! I'M LITTLE BO PEEP!

Courtney [Shuddering]: That's one horrible mental image.

Tavi: So, Dick: How are things?

Dick sighs, pouring a few shots of vodka into a large fish bowl filled with tomato juice and spices.

Dick: As good as they will be....until they leave.

Courtney: Wipe your tears, Dick! We won't be gone that long!

Dick [Bitterly]: I'm not crying.

Courtney [Clapping her hands together]: Well then, CHOP CHOP WITH THE DRINK!

Dick sighs, throwing two straws into the bowl. Courtney slams down a few dollar bills onto the counter, grasping the fishbowl and carrying it over to the table where Dean, Samuel and Karab were sat at: Dean and Samuel are busy circling eachother, Dean's right hand tied to Samuel's left hand as Karab, Johan, Mustafa, Eligio and That Other Random Guy watch, cheering. Courtney sets the bowl down, pulling up a seat.

Tavi: What the hell?


Dean [Angrily]: Fuck you, asshole!

Courtney: Oh boy, MMMA!

Tavi [Raising an eyebrow]: Eh?

Courtney: Mercenary Mixed Martial Arts. Like ordinary MMA, except with hands tied together. It can get brutal!

Samuel and Dean swipe their free hands at eachother before Dean lunges forward, twisting awkwardly behind Samuel and locking his free arm around his neck in a Sleeper Hold. Samuel leaps up, pressing his feet against the edge of Courtney and Tavi's table and shoving himself backwards, forcing Dean backwards and sending both men collapsing onto Eligio's table. Samuel uses his free arm to quickly elbow Dean repeatedly in the chest before rolling to his right, landing on his feet and pulling towards him, pulling Dean up to his feet and punching him roughly in the jaw.

Mustafa: HIT HARDER!

Samuel shakes his right hand, punching Dean even harder. Dean stumbles backwards, shaking his head. Feet away, Jericho has managed to kick Lupa away, mounting Robbie and delivering a few swift punches. Lynch himself sets down the stool he was curling Will on, shaking his arms and walking over to the brawl.

Billy [Boisterously]: The boys were hammered, the girls were hearty, Dancing around in couples and groups! An accident happened, young Dennis Flemming put his right leg through Miss Finneran's hoops!

Bob [Out of tune]: This gal she fainted and cried bloody murder, Called for her sons and gathered them all! Christopher swore he'd go no further till he had revenge at Flannigan's Ball!

Bob, Billy, Phil and Ivan [Screaming]: Six long months I spent in Quincy! Six long months doing nothing at all! Six long months I spent in Quincy! Learning to dance for Flannigan's Ball! I stepped out and I stepped in again!! I stepped out and I stepped in again!! I stepped out and I stepped in again!! Learning to dance for Flannigan's Ball!!

Robbie bends his legs into his body, quickly lunging out and kicking Jericho roughly in the chest. Jericho stumbles backwards, his back slamming against the bar.

Lynch [Whistling shrilly]: Alright, lads! That's been ten minutes! Show some love!

Jericho walks over to Robbie, clasping his arms around and hugging him as a loud cheer goes up. Robbie pats Jericho's back before both men shake hands and move away.

Ivan [Croakily]: In the midst of the melee, Miss Collins fainted her cheeks by now were as red as a rose! Some of the boys declared she was plastered, Had a small drop, too much I suppose!

Bob [Loudly]: Young Scotty Jenkins so big and able, Saw his fair Colleen stretched by the wall, Tore the left leg from under the table and smashed all the dishes at Flannigan's Ball!

Phil: Boy, oh boy, now this was a rumble myself! Took a lick from mean Ricky Green!

Ivan [Croakily]: But I soon replied to that fine introduction ..And gave him a terrible kick in the spleen!

Bob [Loudly]: Talent the piper nearly got strangled, They squeezed on his bellows, chanters and all!

Billy [Tunefully]: The girls in the middle nearly got trampled , And that put an end to Flannigan's Ball!

Bob, Billy, Phil and Ivan [Screaming]: Six long months I spent in Quincy! Six long months doing nothing at all! Six long months I spent in Quincy! Learning to dance for Flannigan's Ball! I stepped out and I stepped in again!! I stepped out and I stepped in again!! I stepped out and I stepped in again!! Learning to dance for Flannigan's Ball!!

As the final drums erupt, Bob, Billy, Phil and Ivan stamp their feet rambunctiously. Phil stamps his feet so hard, his and Ivan's table caves in, sending both men collapsing to the floor. Eligio points at them, laughing loudly. Samuel falls backwards, locking his feet in a scissor around Dean's neck, locking in a Gogoplata submission. Dean begins to choke violently, his feet scrambling against the floor.

Johan, Bobby and That Other Random Guy [In unison]: TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP! TAP!

Dean [Choking]: NEVER!!!!!!

Samuel: TAP, DEAN!


Johan, Bobby, That Other Random Guy and Karab [Loudly, in unison]: YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

Dean lunges up slightly, managing to barely lift Samuel off his back before slamming him roughly onto the ground. Samuel flinches, letting go as Maurice and Brick arm-wrestle at an empty table covered with broken peanut shells that Moe is flicking at their eyes as they do so.


"Katie, Bar The Door" by The Dreadnoughts begins to blast out from the speakers as Courtney watches Dean punch Samuel repeatedly in his stomach before hitting a swift uppercut, locking in a nerve hold on his right shoulder. Moe twists around, flicking a peanut shell towards Dean and Samuel, the shell hitting Samuel in his eye.

Samuel [Wincing]: DAMN IT, MOE!

Moe [Through gritted teeth]: Master. The. Pain.

Samuel shakes his head roughly, lunging his head forward and headbutting Dean between the eyes. Dean stumbles back, cross-eyed.


Maurice slams Brick's arm onto the table. Johnny quickly walks over, taking Brick's seat as Brick steps aside, watching as he drinks from a bottle of Budweiser.

Maurice: Think yeh have a good arm, laddo?

Johnny: Well....I hope!

Johnny and Maurice lock hands as Moe quickly rushes over, reaching into his pockets and pulling out peanut shells.

Moe: Hey, new guy, are you allergic to nuts?

Johnny: No.

Moe [Grinning]: Then welcome to Reject Arm Wrestling! MASTER THE PAIN!

Moe begins flicking peanut shells at Johnny's eye as him and Maurice tussle. A few feet away, Samuel has brought Dean down onto his back, moving behind him and locking in a triangle hold, pulling roughly on his tied arm as Dean's legs scramble on the floor.

Dean [Choking]: YOU! F-F-F-UCKING! BAST-T-TARD!

Johan [Clapping his hands together]: COME ON! FIGHT, YOU LITTLE BASTARDO! Dean [Choking]: I-I'M! TRY-Y-YING!!!

Phil [Calling over]: TRY HARDER!!

Dean chokes, his hand hovering his chest before he quickly slaps his chest three times, indicating his submission. Karab leaps into the air, whooping loudly as Eligio, Johan, Mustafa and That Other Random Guy look dejected.

That Other Random Guy [Bitterly]: Dammit, Samuel, you should've knocked him out.

Samuel [Smirking]: ...Sorry.

Dean [Choking]: L-L-LET G-GO!!

Samuel quickly releases his grip around Dean's throat as Mustafa gets to his feet, leaning down and untying the bonds around their wrists as Samuel scrambles to his feet.

Lynch: Alright, boys! Make up!

Dean gets to his feet. Samuel approaches with his arms held out, but Dean simply pushes him away.

Dean: Piss off, Sammy!

Samuel: Come on, Dean!

Lynch [Waving them off]: Ah, whatever, i'm gonna get another drink.

Samuel and Dean exchange glares as Lynch walks past Jericho, who is busy wrestling with Tim. Lynch slaps the bar, standing next to Phil who is waiting.

Phil: Hey, boss hog.

Lynch [Nodding slightly]: Phil.

Dick slams down a cold can of Monster. Phil flicks a dollar bill towards him, turning around, only to have his can of Monster vanish in the blink of an eye.

Phil [Angrily]: DAMMIT! COURTNEY!!!

Phil rolls up his sleeves, stomping off as "Stout" by Irish Stew of Sindidun begins to echo around the Lamb and Flag. Mustafa grabs Dean by his collar, growling loudly.

Dean [Shakily]: ..Uhh..h-hello?

Mustafa [Quietly]: You cost me money.

Samuel [Calmly]: C'mon lads: Let's calm down.

Jericho [Calling out]: JUST KILL EACHOTHER!

Mustafa punches Dean roughly in the jaw as Samuel leaps up, locking Mustafa in a headlock. Jericho shoves Tim away, running forward and leaping through the air, tackling Mustafa to the ground as Frank stumbles over to the bar.

Frank [Slurring]: ..I enter the pub and it stinks as a stable...But I'll take a seat...there's one empty table....I'm looking for a barman...I don't need to think! Hey! Get off your ass and get me a drink!

Dick stands up, punching Frank roughly in the face. Frank stumbles backwards, knocking Sal who quickly wakes up, glaring at Vince who is drawing on his face. Vince chuckles slightly as Sal grabs the permanent marker, grabbing Vince by his collar and pulling him close, pushing the permanent marker against his right eye. Vince screams loudly as Frank stumbles away, twisting around and looking at Dave who smashes a bottle over his head.


Lupa pounces on Robbie, grasping his collar in her muzzle and shaking him roughly. Johnny keeps arm-wrestling with Maurice, who strains roughly against him. Johnny slams Maurice's arm down, raising his arms.

Johnny [Whooping]: I DID IT!!

Maurice growls, standing up and headbutting Johnny roughly, sending him stumbling backwards against the bar. Maurice charges forward, but Johnny ducks to the left, sending Maurice up and over the bar. Johnny twists around as Dave kicks him in the abdomen and spins him around, but Tim rushes forward, grasping Dave by the hem of his pants and throwing him forward through the already broken window. Frank stumbles to his feet, leaning against the bar as Dick narrows his eyes.

Frank [Groggily]: Stout...fuckin' stout...I drink all night...And I don't care if it's wrong or right..Stout fuckin' stout I drink all night...and early in the morniiiiiiiiing... I'm dead drunk!

Dick grasps a bottle of Carling, smashing it roughly over Frank's head and sending him stumbling backwards into Billy, who kicks him in the back of the leg, causing Frank to backflip and land on his stomach.

Billy [Raising his arms]: One, two, three, four, five empty bottles of stout! I'll drink fifteen more and then I will shout!

Sal rushes forward, leaping forward and dropkicking Billy in the back of his legs, sending him collapsing to the floor. Sal raises his arms, whooping and turning around only for Johan to leap through the air.

Sal: Awwww shit.

Johan lands on Sal, crushing him into the floor before rolling forward and at the bar, slapping it roughly.

Johan: I'll shout to the barman, I don't need to think! Hey, get off your ass and get me more drink!

Dick quickly slams a bottle of Desperados tequila beer on the bar and Johan takes a quick drink, turning around and getting dropkicked by Tavi, sending him collapsing against the bar. Tavi quickly scrambles to her feet, only for That Other Random Guy to quickly lock her in a sleeper hold. Tavi swings her leg upwards with incredible flexibility, kicking That Other Random Guy in the face roughly. He stumbles backwards, dragging Tavi with him before collapsing to the floor. Tavi swings her elbow back, slamming it into his chest before nimbly springing to her feet and turning around, only for Eligio to leap through the air and plant her to the floor with a flying cross body. Eligio rolls through it, only for Tim to turn around, grab a stool and smash it over his head. Tim taps the bar.

Tim [Confidently]: So fucking Stout! Fuckin' stout! I drink all night! And I don't care if it's wrong or right! Stout fuckin' stout I drink all night, and early in the morniiiiiiiiing... I'm dead drunk!

Bobby locks Tim in a headlock, squeezing his neck as Phil jumps onto the bar, running across the length of it and diving onto Bobby as Lynch wades through the scenes of spontaneous violence, watching as Vince locks Moe in a headlock, only for Moe to bite his wrist roughly.


Moe [Cackling]: What'cha gonna do now, motherfucker?!

Vince flings his arm upwards, sending Moe up, slamming against the ceiling and down onto Vince, sending him crumbling to the floor.

Moe [Groaning loudly]: ...It's one of those days when nothing goes right..

Jericho stumbles over to the bar, pulling up one of the few intact stools and clutching his nose which is now flowing with blood.

Jericho: And my nose is bleeding…cause I started a fight.

Courtney rushes in from the womens bathroom, leaping through the air and landing on Tim, Johnny, Maurice and Johan, sending the huddle to the floor. Brick jumps onto the back of Mustafa, wrapping his arms around his neck as he flails around. Stoofer grasps the shoulders of Brick, prying him off of Mustafa's back and lifting him into a military press, throwing him onto Ivan, Steve and Robbie and sending all four of them crumbling to the floor. Jericho quickly hops off of his stool, lifting it up and throwing it through the air, sending it smashing off of Stoofer's chest and sending him reeling backwards into the wall behind him, allowing Maurice to climb over the bar and sprint forward, slamming his entire weight into him. Lynch simply sits on the last remaining stool at the bar, taking a drink from a pint of Guinness as Bill, finally regaining consciousness, stumbles up to his feet and falls against the bar, reaching over and grasping an old, dusty bottle of Pimms, taking the cap off and gulping down a quarter of the bottle.

Bill [Mumbling]: I killed another bottle....and I feel so sick....I'm going to puke....then go back to drink!

Bill laughs, collapsing backwards as the bottle of Pimms rolls across the floor. Dick sighs loudly, watching as Billy leaps onto the back of Mustafa, locking him a tight headlock.


Mustafa claws over his shoulders, but Billy locks in the hold tighter. Steve nimbly springs to his feet, grabbing a chair and running forward, throwing it through the air and slamming it off of Billy's back. Billy flinches, only for Ivan to get to his feet, running forward and grasping a table, running forward with it and slamming it violently against Billy, sending both him and Mustafa collapsing to the floor.

Ivan [Boisterously]: So fucking Stout! Fuckin' stout! I drink all night! And I don't care if it's wrong or vight! Stout fuckin' stout,I drink all night, and early in the morniiiiiiiiing... So fucking Stout! Fuckin' stout! I drink all night! And I don't care if it's wrong or vight! Stout fuckin' stout,I drink all night, and early in the morniiiiiiiiing.... I'M SO FUCKIN' DRUNK!

Dave stumbles in through the open doors, grasping a chair and slamming it onto Ivan's back.

Dave: Stout! Fucking Stout!

Lupa leaps forward, tackling Dave to the floor and pulling roughly on his sleeve. Robbie runs forward, smashing a half-empty bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale off of Lupa's head, sending her to the floor.

Robbie: Stout! FUCKING STOUT!

Dick [Sighing]: ...Fuckin' stout..

Lynch drains his glass.

Lynch [Bluntly]: Fuckin' stout.

Lynch looks over his shoulder at the mass brawl ensuing in the pub. Phil runs out of the doors, screaming as his beard is set on fire. Lynch blinks, watching as Robbie and Dave are tied together by Eligio who proceeds to pull them to their feet and rush them forward, throwing them through the window.


Lynch shakes his head, watching as Steve grabs a lighter, trying to light Vince's hair on fire as Vince rolls on the floor, his neck being choked by Moe.

Dick [Sighing darkly]: You boys are leaving me a lot to clean up.

Lynch [Shrugging]: It's their last night out for a good while: Let 'em have it.

Dick sighs, rubbing his eyes.

Dick: You better return in one piece, Marcus.

Lynch [Muttering]: That's the plan.

Lynch climbs onto the bar, grasping his shirt and ripping it off and diving onto the brawl which collapses under him.

*Beale Street*

The next morning, the mercenaries are barely waking from the drunken furor they worked themselves into the previous night. Lynch is stood in the middle of the street, wearing a pair of urban camouflage fatigues with a black combat vest with an AKs-47u slung over his shoulder. Lynch blinks, looking north up Beale Street, past Will, Robbie, Dave, Maurice and Moe who have already gathered, watching as a small cloud of sand is kicked up in the distance.

Lynch [Muttering]: Well, here she comes.

Will turns his head, whimpering slightly. Dave pulls slightly on a leather leash he is clutching, which is attached to Lupa who is somehow wearing a miniature bulletproof vest around her body.

Dave [Quietly]: Calm, Lupa.

Robbie [Irritated]: Can't believe we're taking a fucking wolf with us..

Dave: Hey, we took her home from Shadow Moses! She should be our mascot!

Moe: Yeah. Right.

Bill stumbles out from the Lamb and Flag, quickly strapping up his combat vest and securing the ammo pouches across the stomach, each one bulging with magazines.

Bill [Muttering]: Damn....thing...

Phil and Jericho emerge from their house. Jericho is busy pulling on his traditional camelskin trenchcoat, while Phil is desperately combing at his beard, most of the hairs in which have been singed. Lynch nods at them, forcing them to jog towards the group.

Phil: Hey, lads. We ready?

Maurice: As we'll ever be, kidda.

Steve and Ivan follow, quickly jogging over to the group. Steve is busy fiddling with the pockets on his combat vest, buttoning them up.

Dave: Is everyone almost ready?

Lynch: We'll see.

The doors to the Dog and Handgun fly open as Brick emerges, pulling on a pair of leather gloves. Jon slams the doors shut, locking the Dog and Handgun's doors.

Brick: Hello fellas! Gettin' 'er done?

Lynch: We're about to.

Brick turns his head, watching as the cloud of sand draws closer. His face immediately falls.

Brick: Ah poop.

Steve: Well, this should be fun!

Lynch: Isn't it always?

Robbie [Muttering]: Not really..

Steve [Excitedly]: Boy oh boy!

Maurice sighs, shaking his head as a beige Humvee rolls into view at the head of Beale Street. Frank quickly emerges from his flat, slamming the door shut and locking it before swinging his AKs-47u over his shoulder and quickly jogging over to the group, breathing heavily and looking around.

Frank [Fearfully]: Am I the last one?!

Lynch: No, there's still a few stragglers.

From an alleyway to their right, Johan, Eligio, Stoofer, Bobby, Mustafa, Melvin and That Other Random Guy emerge. The others are stood some distance away from Melvin, who walks forward.

Melvin: Hey guys.

Lynch: Hey Melvin.

The street falls silent as every head snaps towards Lynch.

Melvin [Through gritted teeth]: Yeah yeah..


Eligio sniggers as Melvin joins the group, scowling darkly.

Melvin [Bitterly]: Assholes!

Eligio [Energetically]: Good morning! Good morning to all! How are we?!

A loud moan ripples across the group.

Stoofer: Hungover, it seems.

Eligio [Smirking]: Well, it was a good night.

Frank spits a tooth onto the floor.

Frank [Smacking his lips]: Yeah. "A good night".

Johan: A very good night.

Frank: That was sarcasm.

Eligio [Narrowing his eyes]: Don't make me beat the ugly off of your face.

Will [Laughing]: You gotta love this guy!

From the Lamb and Flag, Johnny and Tim emerge, fastening their combat vests over their bodies.

Jon: Hey, look: Newbs!

Tim scowls at Jon, who sneers.

Brick: C'mon, Jon! Leave 'em alone! Frank: This is it, lads: Your first big test!

Johnny [Quietly]: Great.

Lynch: Salute.

Johnny and Tim quickly snap their heels together, saluting Lynch, Lynch swiftly returns the salute, allowing them to return at ease as they join the crowd.

Tim: So, what's going through a wormhole like?

Jericho: Pssh! Piece of cake!

Phil: You do vomit when you land, though.

Bill: Yep, don't forget the vomiting.

Johan: Makes you feel like voiding your bowels as well.

Ivan: But try not to. It's disgusting.

Bob: Agreed.

Dean, Samuel and Karab emerge from the Kebaborama. Karab slams the door shut, locking it tightly. Dean grins, clapping his hands together.

Dean: HELLO!

Bob: Yeah yeah.. Dean: Charming as always, Bob.

Samuel [Muttering]: That's rich coming from you, Dean..

Dean: Fuck you, Sammy.

Karab: Stop fighting, you damned children!

Samuel: Dean started it.

Dean glares at Samuel as they walk over to the crowd.

Dean: So, we're all ready?

Frank: Almost, just waiting for a few stragglers.

Will: Bald rich bitch, The neckbearded otaku and the Scottish cyclops.

Phil: If he was black, we could totally call him Demoman.

Jericho [Sarcastically]: Wow, you are so witty coming up with a Team Fortress Two reference.

Phil: Just let me have my moment, dammit!

Karab walks over, slinging his AKs-47u over his shoulder.

Karab: Hey, Lynch: Why were we given these guns?

Lynch: Supplied from Mother. A gift, I guess.

Tim: Sweet!

Dean: As long as it puts holes in people, who cares?

From the Lamb and Flag, Sal and Vince emerge. Vince is busy combing his beard while Sal throws a wet washcloth aside, his shaven head glistening in the light of dawn.

Bob [Wincing]: Fuck, that thing's shiny!

Sal: Ain't the only head that glistens, son.

Stoofer: Merde, that's disgusting!

Sal: You're just jealous!

Vince: No, really, that's sickening.

Sal [Narrowing his eyes]: No-one asked you, Brony.

Sal reaches to Vince's neck, grasping something underneath his urban camouflage fatigues and pulling up, barely showing a black shirt with a rainbow streak descending from the collar.

Vince [Angrily]: DON'T TOUCH DASHIE!

Jericho: Mate, you have issues.

Vince: No, I don't.

Frank [Laughing]: Oh yes, you do.

Mother: You all have issues.

Every single body twists around quickly, looking up Beale Street. Frank stumbles backwards, clutching his neck.


Lynch grasps the back of Frank's collar, gripping him tightly to keep him upright: Standing opposite the group is Mother Mercenary, wearing a beige jacket over a white dress shirt, black tie and black dress trousers. To her left stands Father Mercenary, clad in a black tight-fitting t-shirt and cargo pants, near-matching the jet-black military fatigues of the ski-masked soldiers behind him, standing tall and puffing out their chests with pride.

Ivan [Muttering]: Vell, if it isn't Father's Second Company.

One of the soldiers grasps their ski mask and pulls it off, pulling up their tactical goggles and revealing a woman with flowing brunette hair and dark violet eyes, the left of which has a snake-like scar descending from the left corner down to her cheek, glaring ahead at them.

Lynch: Oh, look: Brigitte Marcelline.

Brigitte: Marcus. Still vith your rejects, I zee.

Sal: Brigitte. Still with.............bastards, I see.

Dean sighs, rubbing his eyes.

Dean: Couldn't have come up with something better, could you?

Sal [Bitterly]: Fuck you!

Brigitte shoots her right arm in the air.

Father's Second Company: GOTT MIT UNS!!

Brigitte gives a small smirk, lowering her arm.

Brigitte: And zat co-ordination is vhy you vill never zee the light of an elite company ever.

Lynch: Give me a second.

Mother sighs darkly as Father watches on, wide-eyed, as Reject Company gather into a closer huddle with Lynch in the middle, hissing something indistinct. The group quickly unfurls from around Lynch, standing in a group behind Lynch who throws up his right arm.

Reject Company [Yelling]: BEER MIT UNS!!

Jon [Loudly]: HERE MIT UNS!

Bill slaps Jon around the back of his head.

Bill [Angrily]: Beer. HE SAID BEER!

Jon turns around, punching Bill roughly with a swift right hook and sending him to the sands. Bill scrambles back as Dean grasps Jon's shoulder, twisting him around and headbutting him roughly. Brick runs forward, tackling Dean to the ground as the Reject Company start yelling shouts of encouragement.


Jericho [Ecstatically]: BASH HIM IN! GO ON!

Brigitte: Vell, zat is very undervelming.

Father [Quietly, aside to Mother]: Are you sure they should be sent? We could send my Second Company.

Mother [Quietly, aside to Father]: No, they have links with Ocelot. Besides, I need the elite in this region.

Father [Quietly, aside to Mother]: But I think they've been drinking.

Mother [Quietly, aside to Father]: I know: So many of my children are hungover.

Father [Shrugging]: It was a given.

Billy stumbles out of the Lamb and Flag, hastily strapping up his combat vest.

Billy [Angrily]: FASTEN! YOU! CUNT!

Billy looks up, seeing the brawl and quickly runs forward, diving onto Brick and tackling him to the ground. Father gives a shrill whistle, forcing the small brawls to break up and causing Jon, Bill, Brick, Billy and Dean to get back to their feet, twisting around. Lynch gives a dark sigh, shaking his head.

Lynch: ...Thank you for the new weaponry, Mother.

Mother [Calmly]: Finally, we get down to the business: It was the least I could do for your mission, Marcus.

Lynch: So, where's the wormhole taking us?

Mother: August 7th, 2007: The day before the USS Discovery was sank. We are aiming the wormhole towards Ocelot's last known location on that date: Shadow Moses Island.

Lynch [Taken aback]: Wait, what?!

Mother: Historical radio transmissions indicate Ocelot and his troops left Shadow Moses Heliport, heading towards New York Harbor.

Lynch: What the hell would Ocelot be doing at Shadow Moses Heliport?

Mother: Probably the last place anyone would look after the official news reports. That doesn't matter, what matters is that we are aiming for that region: When you arrive, make sure you inform Ocelot that you are there to help.

Lynch: What will you do?

Mother: I assume my past self will be fully aware of the mission, and I assume that I myself will regain memories of the incident as it plays out. Don't expect me to help, though..Not much I can do.

Lynch [Nodding]: Understood.

Mother: Make sure that Ocelot escapes with RAY when the Tanker is destroyed.

Lynch: How do you know how events are supposed to play out?

Mother [Impatiently]: When the time comes to tell you, you will know. Until then, have a patch.

Mother slaps something onto the left arm of Lynch. Lynch looks at Mother, down at his arm: A triangular black patch, containing a white skull with a rough question mark engraved into the skull, is now on his arm, a yellow ribbon below it with the words "Nec Spe, Nec Metu" written upon it.

Lynch: .....So, it's official.

Mother tries to give a smile, but only barely musters up a smirk.

Mother: Not yet. If you complete this mission, the patch and motto will be registered.

Lynch: What's the motto?

Mother: For now, it's "Nec Spe, Nec Metu": Without Hope, Without Fear. However, I may change it to "Nunc est Bibendum"....which means 'Now is the time to drink'.

Lynch [Grinning]: Sweet....But we have hope.

Father [Muttering]: Oh, trust me, you're all hopeless.

Frank turns around, cupping his hands around his mouth.


The group simply remains silent, looking around as if nothing was said.

Bill [Quietly, Indifferently]: Yay?

Father slaps Frank around the back of his ear, causing him to yelp loudly.

Father [Hissing]: Shut up!

Tavi and Courtney emerge from ReLoaded, fastening their combat vests and walking towards the group.

Tavi [Calling out]: Sorry! Sorry that we're late!

Brigitte [Whispering]: Morons..

Tavi [Twisting around]: Did you say something, Frenchie?

Brigitte steps forward, but Courtney quickly grasps Tavi's right arm, spinning her back around to the group. Mother clears her throat.

Mother: Where are you girls going?

Courtney: On the mission?

Mother [Quietly]: No, you're coming to the Academy with me.

Courtney: ....Why?

Mother: Along with Melvin, *Beep*, Mustafa and Bobby.

Mustafa: What?!

Melvin: This doesn't bode well, does it?

Tavi: Are you serious?!

Mother [Calmly]: Trust me. I need eyes and ears here.

Lynch: Wait, what? You want us to go in without our medic?

Mother: Marcus, I need them here. All will be revealed in due course.

Courtney: Mother? Why?

Mother: Dear, you will find out soon. I cannot afford to send all my resources with you. I'm sorry, Marcus.

Father [Nodding]: Sometimes, you can't enter a card game without an ace up your sleeve.

Tavi [Impatiently]: What about me?! I haven't been an official mission since arriving here!!

Mother: This is just as important.

Tavi [Angrily]: And this is why you're keeping me here?!

Mother [Calmly]: Dear, calm down.

Tavi [Bitterly]: This is bullshit, Mom!

Mother [Growing impatient]: We all need you at the Academy. You will soon find out your importance. I am not leaving anything to risk after Shadow Moses.

Frank [Sighing]: So we go in without a Medic and without half of our mechanics..

Stoofer [Bitterly]: Merde.

Eligio: Si.

Lynch throws his right arm up, silencing the murmurs of discontent amongst the group, before flicking his wrist forward. Mustafa, Melvin, That Other Random Guy and Bobby look around, a feeling of anger amongst them as they emerge from the group, walking to the right of the street with Courtney and Tavi. Father calmly walks over to them.

Father [Quietly]: You do have an importance. Do not forget that.

Tavi [Bitterly]: There had better be a good reason for this.

Father: There is. Trust me.

Lynch simply looks at Father, before looking at Mother and giving a small nod.

Lynch [Quietly]: Alright. We're ready, I guess.

Mother walks forward, reaching into the breast pocket of her jacket and pulling out a cellphone, holding it to her ear.

Mother: Activate it.

At the foot of Beale Street, a small ball of lightning appears, flashing and crackling ahead of them. Every single eye turns to it, some in shock, some in horror, and some in awe.

Bill [Pointing]: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!

Brick falls to his knees.

Brick [Yelling]: GOD IS GIVING US A SIGN!!!

Sal: Can I touch it?

Vince [Shocked]: MOTHER OF CELESTIA!!

The sky turns a dark shade of grey before the ball of lightning expands, seemingly turning in on itself before revealing a clear hole at the end of Beale Street, the scene of a snowy hill being struck by a blizzard visible in front of them, with the snow seemingly being sucked into the sky.

Father [Calmly]: Wait for it.

A loud crack, akin to a bullwhip, snaps through the air as the scene within the wormhole appears to play at a normal speed. Brick slowly gets to his feet as Lynch's head snaps towards Mother, who slips
him a small smirk.

Mother: What? You don't think wormholes just appear naturally, do you?

Lynch: We need to talk when we get back.

Mother [Calmly]: Of course.

Father [Smirking]: But until then: Go.

Mother clears her throat, causing every head in the street to turn to her.

Mother [Quietly, aside to Father]: For hungover mercenaries, they seem to have quick reflexes.

Father [Quietly]: I doubt the beer affected their brains that much.

Mother turns to the group.

Mother: Best of luck to all of you, and I can only hope that you will return home safely. When you need help, we will be there. Unlike Shadow Moses, you will rarely be alone. You will have eyes and ears from home following you. Beyond the scope of your understanding, the Academies knowledge has grown, and we are using that knowledge to help on this mission. Best of luck. Carpe Diem.

Lynch turns to the group, nodding before turning towards the wormhole and marching towards it. The group follow as they march towards the end of the street, stopping mere metres away from the wormhole. Lynch lets out a deep breath, raising his right arm.

Lynch: Johnny. Tim.

Johnny [Nervously]: W-What?

Lynch: Prove yourselves.

Tim lets out a determined scream, flailing his arms and sprinting forward, jumping straight through the wormhole. The group immediately break out into laughter.

Jon [Laughing]: Did you see the boy run?!

Eligio [Chuckling]: Either he's a moron, or he's got some balls on him!

Jericho: Or both!

Johnny hesitantly jogs forward, jumping through the hole.

Johan: That was not anywhere near entertaining!


Dean slowly walks forward, slinging his AKs-47u further over his back.

Dean: Welp: Bye Ma.

Mother: Goodbye, Dean.

Dean runs forward, jumping through the wormhole as Samuel steps forward. The shadowy figures of Johnny and Tim can just about be seen, with Tim doubling over and vomiting.

Ivan [Laughing]: And there he goes!

Samuel: That was the worst thing about travelling through these things..Bye, Mom.

Mother: Goodbye, Samuel.

Samuel runs forward, leaping through the wormhole. Karab quickly jogs forward.

Karab [Calling out]: Bye Mother!

Mother: Goodbye, Karab.

Karab jumps through the wormhole as Bill steps forward, cricking his neck.

Bill: Hello, Mister Vormhole. VE MEET AGAIN!

Lynch: Bill, stop talking to the damn wormhole and go through.

Vince: Yes! We need to appease our wibbly-wobbly God with a sacrifice!

Bill: FUCK YOUR GOD! There is absolutely no way, no chance in hell, that I am going through--

Sal runs forward, pushing Bill in the back and sending him stumbling forward through the wormhole.

Bill [Screaming]: I HOPE THIS DOESN'T TAKE ME TO ALBEQUERQuuuuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeeeeeeee....

Vince jogs forward, throwing his right arm up and waving.

Vince: BYE MUM!

Mother: Goodbye, Vince..

Vince jumps through the wormhole as Sal steps forward, cricking his neck from side to side.

Sal [Quietly]: Alright...don't puke..BYE MUM!

Mother: Goodbye, Sal.

Sal jumps through the wormhole. Johan steps forward, looking hesitantly over to Bobby and Mustafa.

Johan: Adios, Madre.

Mother: Adios, Johan.

Mustafa nods, giving a small thumbs up as Johan turns to the wormhole, jumping through it. Billy sprints forward.

Billy: BYE, MAM!

Mother: Goodbye, Bi--

Billy dives forward through the wormhole.

Mother [Smirking]: --lly.

Bob sighs, uneasily walking forward.

Bob: Bye, Mom.

Mother: Goodbye, Thomas.

Bob shakes his head, uneasily jogging forward and jumping through the wormhole as Moe sprints forward.

Moe: BYE MA!!

Mother [Chuckling]: Goodbye, Moe.

Moe divebombs through the wormhole. Will walks forward.

Will: Alright, hot stuff, coming through..

Phil [Mockingly]: Buuuullllshiiiiittttttt

Will [Snidely]: Wow, that hurts coming from a man with a sheeps ass for a face.

Mother: Will, get moving.

Will: .....Goodbye, Mother.

Mother: Goodbye, Will..

Dave jogs forward, pumping his left fist in the air while his right fist leads Lupa alongside him.


Mother [Aside, to Jericho]: Should I ask where he got that?

Jericho: Remember Shadow Moses Island?

Mother: Yes?

Jericho: It turns out that a wolf can travel through time without aging too.

Mother: ...Oh dear. This should be fun.

Dave dives through the wormhole, and Lupa yelps as she's dragged along with him. Robbie shakes his head, walking forward.

Robbie [Muttering]: The man's an idiot....Bye, Mother.

Mother: Goodbye, Robbie.

Robbie breaks into a jog, jumping through the wormhole as Brick sprints forward.


Mother: Goodbye, Brick.

Brick dives straight into the wormhole as Maurice slowly walks forward, cricking his neck.

Maurice [Calling out]: Bye, Mam!

Mother: Goodbye, Maurice.

Maurice breaks into a slow jog, huffing and puffing as he jumps through the wormhole. Moe scuttles forward, further shoving a silenced Glock into his thigh holster as he tightens his combat vest.

Moe: See ya, Ma!

Mother: Goodbye, Moe.

Moe runs forward, jumping through the wormhole. Jon hesitantly steps forward, clapping his hands together.

Jon [Quietly]: Right..let's do thi--

Ivan: GET GOING! Jon scowls violently, but jogs forward and jumps through the wormhole. Mother: Goodbye, Jon.

Steve runs forward, clapping ecstatically.

Steve [Boisterously]: BYE BYE BYE BYE BYE BYE!

Mother: Goodbye, Steven.

Steve sprints forward, jumping through the wormhole as Ivan steps forward, slipping his zippo into his pocket.

Ivan: Dasvidania, Mamulya.

Mother: Dasvidania, Ivan.

Ivan gives a small wave before jogging forward and diving through the wormhole. Phil hesitantly steps forward, looking over his shoulder .

Phil: Bye, Mam.

Mother: Goodbye, Phil.

Phil gives a small nod, swinging his AK over his shoulder and jumping through the wormhole. Jericho hesitantly approaches the wormhole, spitting into it before looking over his shoulder.

Jericho: Bye, Mum.

Mother: Goodbye, Jericho.

Jericho hops twice towards the wormhole before jumping in. Eligio walks forward, cricking his neck from side to side.

Eligio: Adios, Madre.

Mother: Adios, Eligio.

Eligio jumps through the wormhole as Stoofer steps forward, raising his hand slightly.

Stoofer: Adios, Madre!

Mother: Adios, Marcos.

Johan runs forward, jumping through the wormhole as Frank hesitantly steps forward, looking into the wormhole.

Frank [Cautiously]: Not this shit again..

Lynch [Impatiently]: Jump, damn you!

Frank: Bye, Ma.

Mother: Goodbye, Frank.

Frank jumps through the wormhole. Mother walks forward, clasping Lynch's shoulders.

Lynch [Quietly]: I still don't know why you need a handful of my men.

Mother: There will come a time and a place when I can tell you everything, Marcus.

Lynch [Muttering]: Then I better get going..

Mother pecks Lynch's cheek lightly, looking into his eyes and slipping something into his pocket.

Mother [Quietly]: Good luck, my son.

Lynch [Calmly]: What did you just give me?

Mother [Quietly]: You will know when you need it.

Lynch turns around, bowing his head slightly before jogging forward and leaping through the time hole. Mother sniffles slightly as the left-behind mercenaries look on.

Tavi: What the fuck just happened?

Father: Go wait by the Humvee, I need to talk to Mother first.

Bobby: But why are we here--

Father [Sternly]: Please. You will know soon enough.

Bobby sighs, shaking his head bitterly as he turns around, walking up the street and shortly followed by the others. Father walks over to Mother, clasping a hand on her left shoulder.

Father [Quietly]: Are you alright?

Mother [Silently wiping her right eye]: I'm fine, William. I just hate seeing my children going off to change the world.

Father: Why?

Mother: You know what those bastards in the United Nations are like: They sanctioned the academy twenty years ago in preparation for this global war economy: They wanted this global state of war, they wanted this war economy, they want countries hiring and creating PMC's for profit! If they found out we were doing this beneath our noses, they would--

Father [Calmly]: They won't find out. All they know is that they sanctioned us and, as far as they're concerned, we've been hired by the Egyptian government to fight the Praying Mantis PMC, as well as by the Taliban to fight incoming Otselotoya Khavatka reinforcements from Russia.

Mother [Quietly]: ..And how do you know they won't find out?

Father sighs, reaching into the inside of his coat and pulling out a small, wireless detonator.

Father: You told me to swear that, if we were discovered, I blow the Academy to kingdom come: They won't find Project Eos. They won't find Hephaestus.

Mother reaches into her pocket, pulling out a cellphone and pressing a key, quick-dialling a number.

Mother [Quickly]: Halt Project Eos. Make preperations for their return from the USS Discovery in August 8th, 2007 to the Bolivian Jungle on July 7th, 2008, and from the Jungle on July 8th 2008 to Big Shell on April 29th 2009, and finally from the Big Shell on April 30th 2009 to Beale Street on--

Father: May 30th 2015.

Mother: May 30th 2015.

Voice [On other end of receiver]: Looping that many wormholes in such a close space of time will prove difficult--

Mother: If working on Project Eos has taught you anything, it's that creating wormholes is not impossible. I don't care if you work until death, you WILL work.

Voice [Quietly]: Yes, Mother. Right away.

Mother quickly hangs up, looking at Father who simply smirks.

Father: How much do you think we're ripping apart the space-time continuum?

Mother: I don't care if it's just for one day of peace: I want the Patriots gone and the United Nations to stop supporting this fucking global war.

Father sighs, rubbing his eyes and turning around before walking calmly up Beale Street.

Father [Calmly]: I suppose I would have your drive too if I suffered what you suffered from.

Mother slowly looks up, wiping the tear from her eye.

Mother: .....Please come back safe, Marcus.

=August 7th 2007
Shadow Moses Island=

Lynch lands roughly on the snow, a raging blizzard greeting him. Lynch looks around at his squad, quickly scrambling to his feet and turning around, watching as the wormhole simply dissipates into thin-air. Lynch twists around, doubling over and throwing up. Frank pats his upper back.

Frank [Soothingly]: There we go, there we go..let it out..

Lynch suddenly snaps up, grasping Frank's hand. Lynch [Snarling]: Touch me again and i'll snap it off and shove it up your ass. Frank: But you're so sof-- Lynch growls as Frank quickly steps away from him. Lynch looks ahead: The mercenaries are gathered at the bottom of a small, snowy hill, leant against it and rubbing their hands for warmth. Jericho shakes his coat slightly as Moe climbs up the hill, looking over it. Lynch: What have we got?! Phil spits out a mouthful of snow from the raging blizzard. Ivan spits out an icicle. Jon: Dude, what the hell? Karab [Sniggering]: Nice party trick.. Dean: Just as fucking cold as I remember it. Eligio [Teeth chattering]: I-I-I can't f-feel my l-l-legs.. Bill swings his fist against Eligio's left leg. Eligio simply shakes his head. Eligio: Nothing!

Bill [Eyes widening]: That might be a problem..

Eligio [Sarcastically]: YOU DON'T SAY?!

Maurice [Shakily]: F-fu-fucking hate this weather..

Bob [Bitterly]: At least you have all that cushion. What about guys like me?!

Samuel huddles deeper into the ground, hugging his knees to his chest.

Samuel: Couldn't have given us parkas, could you?

Lynch: Whatever. Where were we on August 8th 2007?

Dean: Day off at the academy. That was the day you pissed in the air conditioning while drunk, right?

Lynch: Nothing important?

Bill: Well, I had that chimichanga that made me almost shit myself to death....and Phil? Wasn't that the day you and Jericho broke out of the male bunks and ran through the female wing wearing nothing but a toga?

Phil: No, that was me, Jericho...Will, Steve, Jon and Dean, remember?

Dean [Laughing]: Ah, yeah. Great times!

Phil [Smirking]: No, it wasn't. We got tasered in the balls.

Will: You did, they just tasered my face. Literally. Ever tried picking taser cables out of your forehead?

Will shudders.

Sal: In other words? No.

Lynch: Good: Not only will that memory be erased, but feel free to destroy anything that moves.

Sal [Whooping]: WOOHOO!

Moe [Looking over his shoulder]: Hey! Boss Hog! I'm seeing four Russian choppers! Kasatkas!

Frank: That's gotta be them--

Samuel: Who else would it be?

Vince: HA! Lynch: MEN! ARISE!

A small, discontented mumble rolls across the group as they pull away from the bank of the hill. Samuel sits up, rubbing his arms as they turn to the hill. Lynch takes a run-up, jumping forward and grasping the top of the hill, kicking his feet against the snow before clawing himself up and standing on top of the bank: Ahead of them is a relatively-steep descent down smooth rock and snow towards the Heliport, which is still pretty-much intact, albeit crowded with five Russian Kasatka helicopters around it, with two on the Heliport and three hovering close by. Several Russian mercenaries, clad in beige, brown and dark brown camouflage BDUs, wielding AKs-47us, are busy crowding around the heliport, clambering into the Ka-60 Kasatkas. Frank, Sal, Dean and Billy clamber up next to Lynch.

Frank: Are you seeing that?

Lynch [Quietly]: ....AKs-47u's..

Sal: .....Does Mother know something we don't?

Jericho clambers up next to Billy, dusting off his trenchcoat and further pulling his AKs-47u over his shoulder.

Jericho: Well, that's creepy.

Billy: Maybe she can see through time?

Lynch reaches into his pocket, pulling out a red flare. Around the Kasatka a man, wearing a long brown dustcoat over the camouflage of his peers, walks into view, twirling a pair of Colt Single Action Army revolvers in his hands before slipping them into the holsters strapped around his body, getting onto one knee and pulling up his thick leather cowboy boats. Samuel, Karab and Phil scramble up next. Phil twists around, holding a hand out and helping Steve up. Samuel twists around, using both his hands to help Vince and Tim up as Moe scrambles up as well.

Karab: Well, there he is: The crazy bastard who pays well.

Phil [Grinning]: Man, think of the payday..

Jericho narrows his eyes at Phil, who simply shrugs it off.

Lynch: Well, we might as well say hi..

Lynch activates the flare which begins to hiss and belch out thick red smoke. He holds it up, waving it over his head.

Tim: I hope they know who we are.

Moe: Yeah, it's not like they can't see the strange figures waving a flare in a blizzard, right?

Lynch [Scowling]: Fuck off.

The flare draws the attention of the mercenaries, who twist around. Ocelot himself gets back to his feet, narrowing his eyes but throwing up an arm to prevent the mercenaries from opening fire. Lynch throws the flare over the hill, teetering slightly but digging his heels into the rock, sliding down the hill. Ocelot looks over his shoulder at the Russian mercenaries.

Ocelot: Hold your fire. I think I know who these men are.

Voice [Calling out from a Kasatka hovering above them]: Shalashaska! Vhy are ve vaiting?!

Ocelot [Calling out]: Just a few minutes, Sergei!

Sergei: VHY?!?!?

Ocelot [Cupping hands around his mouth]: I SAID WAIT!!!...Asshole.


Ocelot looks ahead as Lynch, flanked by most of the company, jog towards the Heliport. Maurice is the last to descend the hill, sliding down on his feet before landing with a huge crash into the snow. Lynch jogs up the three concrete steps onto the helipad, jogging over to Ocelot.

Ocelot: And just what are you doing here?

Lynch: You said that you hoped we could work again: We tracked you down. We want in.

Ocelot slowly walks over to Lynch, narrowing his eyes slightly.

Ocelot [Quietly]: And how did you find out?

Lynch [Smirking]: That would be telling, wouldn't it?

Ocelot gives a small grin, opening his arms.

Ocelot: MARCUS!

Lynch: OCELOT!!

Lynch walks forward, clasping his arms around Ocelot and hugging him tightly. Ocelot slaps his back repeatedly before Lynch pulls away.

Sergei [Calling out]: Ocelot! We cannot delay! The Tanker will be heading down the Harbor in mere hours!

Ocelot: ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! [Quietly, to Lynch] By the way, we're double-crossing him and taking RAY for ourselves.

Lynch [Quietly]: We figured: Remember Shadow Moses?

Ocelot grins, tapping the side of his nose.

Ocelot [Quietly]: Just make sure you don't try and double-cross me.

Lynch [Quietly]: Are you paying us?

Ocelot: Of course!

Lynch: Then don't you try and double-cross us!

Ocelot: Don't worry. These guys are Gurlukovich's mercenaries, not mine.

Lynch [Shrugging]: Whatever, just pay us good.

Ocelot walks around one of the Kasatka's, looking inside and yelling something in Russian as the Gurlukovich mercenaries quickly clamber out of the Kasatka. Ocelot turns to Lynch, nodding.

Lynch [Clapping his hands together]: Here we go, men.

Lynch, Frank, Sal, Dean, Karab, Samuel, Vince and Billy follow Ocelot, climbing into the Kasatka. Ocelot turns to the rest of the mercenaries, sighing.





Ocelot turns to the other mercenaries, grinning slightly.

Ocelot: This could take a while. A loud sigh rolls across Reject Company as the scene fades to black.

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