Friday, 17 December 2010

The Morons of Shadow Moses Finale - The Greatest Escape

The scene opens on the finale where we left our mercenaries: In the hangar battling REX. The bipedal robot stands tall in the hangar, dwarving down over the pathetic mercenaries who stand there, staring up at the robot. For now, REX is busy with Solid Snake, every movement he makes followed with a terrifying split-second precision. A laser, hanging from the centre of the cockpit of REX, fires out in a vivid neon blue, scarring the cement a pitch black as it chases Snake, who quickly runs backwards.

Snake [Mockingly]: CAN’T CATCH ME! CAN’T CATCH ME!

Snake backs into a tall shipping container to the bottom right of the room, his back slamming against it as REX looks down at him, the barrels of its Vulcan gatling guns whirring ominously at its prey.

Snake: …This isn’t good.

Frank points at Snake.

Frank [Laughing sarcastically]: HA!

The cockpit of REX twists on its body, turning to face the group of mercenaries.

Sal: Well, I have just crapped my pants.

REXs legs and body twists, scraping violently on the cement as it starts to approach the mercenaries from the right, causing them to quickly run backwards, still facing the mechanical beast as it approaches them, the pungent smell of diesel and gunpowder filling the room.

Lynch [Bluntly]: Well, this sucks.


Bobby: No, we’re not! We need to override or destroy the Radome on REXs right shoulder, see?

Bobby points at the circular dish on the upper-right of REX, attached to a series of wires and beams which cause it to spin like a human eyeball in a socket, scanning the entire surface area of the hangar and all living things within it.

Steve: It’ll need to be destroyed! No overriding that thing!

Billy: There is only one thing I can think of to override the mechanism aiming at us.

Frank: You mean Snake aiming his missile launcher at the Radome..the actual solution?

Billy: There is that, yes, but there is also the power…of music.

Ivan [Sighing darkly]: Vell, ve’re fucked, then.

Phil: I second that.

Brick: Thirded.

REX continues to bare down upon them.

Liquids Voice [Booming throughout the hangar]: I’LL SEE YOU GREEDY MERCENARIES IN HELL!!!

Johan: I am all ears, my fellow mercenary.

Billy pulls a small tin flute out from one of the ammo pouches on his belt and holds it to his lips, whistling a small, shrill tune. The right foot of REX rises high above them, but stops just before Liquid can bring it down.

Liquids Voice [Frustrated]: What the—WHY??! WORK, DAMMIT!!!

Phil: Billy, are you playing…Riverdance?

Billy nods, eyes half shut as he plays.

Phil: Then we need a fiddle.

The mercenaries look around, laughing to themselves, only to suddenly stop when Bob pulls one from nowhere, holding it under his chin.

Lynch [Narrowing his eyes]: Bob, do explain.

A loud popping sound emits from behind Bob, as well as the traces of blue sparks.

Bob: Octopus loves Celtic music. Don’t ask.

Bob starts to play the fiddle in unison with Billys flute. REXs foot quickly backs up and its back arches straight, standing tall before them.

Liquid [Angrily]: WHAT IS THIS SHIT?!?!?

Phil: Men, I regret to inform you that what we are about to do is truly embarassing.

That Hispanic Guy: Que?

Phil walks forward and spins on his heels beside REX, arms straightened to his sides and he sighs, staring at Billy and Bob.

Phil: EAT THIS!!

Phils feet start to tap and dance rhythmically on the floor, bouncing up and down lightly, knees bending in an alluring riverdance. The makeshift arms of REX fold into its side and it too starts to dance rhythmically on the floor in tune with the music played Bob and Billy. Karab looks around and throws his shield down, walking beside Phil.


Karab starts to folkdance as well. Phil jumps and clicks his heels before continuing to folkdance. Mr. Dibbley waddles forward, clapping his flippers.


Mr. Dibbley joins the rhythmic Irish folkdance.

Lynch [Turning his head to the rest of the mercenaries]: Can you bastards clap in tune to the feet, then?!?!?

Lynch folds his arms and nods, and the mercenaries laugh, stomping their right foot and clapping in unison with the beats and the taps of the feet of their comrades hitting the floor. Liquid pounds the buttons on his control panel mindlessly, screaming loudly.

Liquid [Starting to panic]: ESCAPE KEY!! WHERE IST DAS ESCAPE KEY?!?!?!?!??!

REX keeps riverdancing in tune to the music, lurching Liquid back and forth. He retches violently as his stomach spins, leaning over the cockpit and retching out streams of saliva. The mercenaries laugh loudly, clapping their hands and stamping their feet in unison to the tune played by the rhythmic feet of Dibbley, Karab and Phil. Dave shrugs, walking forward and standing beside them, joining in with the folkdance, his arms tightly clamped to his side.

Dean [laughing]: DANCE! TAP THOSE TOES!

Dibbley, Karab, Dave and Phil stomp their feet violently on the ground to the tune of the music as the mercenaries clap.

Stoofer: This has to be the strangest damn thing I have ever seen.

Bobby [Chuckling]: You’ll see stranger, my Hispanic friend.

Stoofer [Not amused]: I fear I will.

Frank looks around the room, shrugging and running beside Dibbley, starting to follow the Jigs routine. REX keeps stumbling violently, attempting to imitate the dance. Liquid is being thrown back and forth inside the cockpit.

Liquid: FUCK ow THIS owwwww oww SHIT!!!!

REX jumps up, tapping its toes and ankles, causing Liquid to fling back against the cockpit.

Liquid [Angrily, in pain]: JUST YOU FUCKERS WAIT!!!!

Lynch [Snapping his fingers at the dancers]: HIT THE FINALE, BOYS!!

The tune of the whistle and the fiddle get even more manic and faster, and so does the tapping of the feet and the clapping. Several of the mercenaries begin whooping and stomping their feet in unison with the claps as the dancing mercenaries keep hopping up and down, their feet tapping and the floor and their ankles and their heels lightly grazing the floor. Billy gives out a final whistle, and Bob gives a final flick of the bow, and the jig finishes, capped off by the mercenaries jumping down onto one knee and spreading their arms, waving their hands. This greets a bellowing applause and whistling from the mercenaries. Even Stoofer and Bobby give off a small, almost embarrassed clap.

Dean [Laughing loudly]: THAT WAS EMBARASSING BUT WORTH IT!!!



Mr. Moneypennies [Muffled voice from inside Bricks pocket]: That was some good shiz, dudes!

However, now the music has stopped, REX quickly angles forward, its feet stomping to the ground and the cockpit returning to its original position, jutting out near the mercenaries.

That Random Guy: Ahhhhh shit.

Liquid [triumphantly]: HAHA! YOU CANNO--

A stinger missile whistles through the air and collides violently with the Radome, spewing out a bright orange flame and wisps of black smoke. REX sways left and right, its legs stumbling before it grinds to a halt.

Snake [Triumphantly]: GOT HIM!!

REX quickly shuffles its feet across the ground, desperately trying to gain some semblance of control, but Ivan, having snuck away from the mercenaries for a small while, returns with a bright red cylinder. He lights the fuse at the top of it, and winds his right arm.

Ivan: Going for zay pitch..

Ivan hurls the lit stick of dynamite into the air.


Rex jolts violently to the left, but the stick of dynamite lands in a joint between cockpit and Radome, exploding violently. REX lets out another animalistic scream before Snake fires off a second Stinger missile, which collides with the Radome once more. This one damages the Radome to a crippling extent: The Radome explodes in several orange fiery clouds, smoke spewing from the joint which holds it in place to REX. The Radome is now beginning to spin wildly as wires and joints start to separate from the force of the explosives fired at it.

Lynch [Triumphantly]: WE GOT HIM!!!

The mercenaries jump up, cheering wildly as REX tilts to one side, grinding to a standstill as the Radome coughs and splutters sparks of electricity. Snake stands up, walking into the open and staring at the form of REX which isn’t moving one inch.

Snake: Did that do it?!


Stoofer [In anticipation]: C’mon you piece of shit..

Ivan [Eagerly watching]: Come on..Come on…

Jericho: Please just die…

The mercenaries stand there, watching REX and breathing heavily. Lynch swipes an arm forward and the mercenaries aim their weapons at the cockpit.

Lynch: Fire at will.

The mercenaries quickly turn to Will.


The mercenaries laugh amongst themselves, quickly turning to the cockpit. The Radome of REX, however, quickly kicks into life, twitching and twirling loosely on it’s arm, pointing around the room like an eye rolling in its socket. REX quickly gets to his feet uneasily, but the mercenaries open up a tremendous volley of fire: Useless, the exoskeleton still hasn’t been weakened, and the bullets simply rattle off the steel exoskeleton, causing absolutely no damage to either armor or driver.


Snake: DAMMIT!!

The mercenaries quickly step back.

Liquid: NICE TRY, SNAKE! DIE!!!!!!!!!

REX stomps over uneasily, but Dave quickly throws a banana skin from out of his pocket and onto the floor at the feet of REX. The right foot of REX catches on the skin, causing the leg to shoot forwards and slip from underneath the robot, sending it backwards.


Lynch: Nice intuition, Dave!

Dave: I impress myself sometimes.

Sal: Well it’s better then impressing no-one all of the time.


Sal: You suck cocks.

Just as the mercenaries prepare to open up a barrage of fire, a swift streak descends from the sky, landing in front of them and Snake on one knee before getting to its feet. REX, having regained its footing with relative ease, raises a foot and aims it at Snake, but the figure shoots forward and lands under it.

Figure: GET BACK! NOW!

Snake and the mercenaries quickly run several feet backwards. The figure stands still, revealing a ruby and sapphire exoskeleton and a helmet opened up to reveal portions of a face. The foot of REX tries to crush the figure, but it can’t: It stands there, holding up REX with brute strength:

Snake: GREY FOX!!

The mercenaries blink, looking around at eachother.

Frank [Confused]: Do we kill the guy with the gay-ass Japanese anime name?

Lynch [Hesitantly]: I say……

The mercenaries mumble, cursing amongst themselves.

Moe: Dammit! I wanna shoot him!

Vince [Clasping his hands under his chin like a lovestruck girl]: A ninja…battling a one of my animes!

Billy turns his head to Vince, who is twirling his curly beard excitedly as he watches.

Billy: Sometimes, I could really shoot you, you know that?

Vince: Just because you’re a very violent Scottish man, doesn’t mean you have to threaten a team-mate..

Robbie: Yes it does. Fuck me, it’s encouraged here. For example: Phil.

Phil turns his head to face Robbie.

Phil: Yeah?

Robbie [Calmly]: I want to remove your testicle sack with a toothpick.

Phil [Just as calm]: And I want to jam a pair of pliers down your throat and pull out your Adams Apple.

Robbie turns to Vince, shrugging.

Robbie: See?

However, the mercenaries quickly turn to their heads, focusing more intently on the scene before, noticing REX still hasn’t shot at them. The ninja stands there, no longer carrying a sword, but a stump on its right arm which resembles a gun turret. REX shakes violently as it tries to crush Fox, but it simply can’t.

Fox: A name from long ago..It sounds better than Deepthroat.

Lynch [sarcastically]: No shit, Sherlock.

Will [Disgusted]: Ewwww..that things Deepthroat?! I wouldn’t want a dee--

Stoofer: PLEASE don’t finish that sentence. PLEASE!

Snake: So it is you!!

Fox: You look terrible, haven’t aged well.

Liquids Voice [Angrily]: I’LL SEND YOU BACK TO HELL!!

The foot rises up, and quickly thunders down. With fluid agility, Fox rolls backwards, executing a backflip and landing on his feet. REX thunders towards Fox, who happens to be in front of the mercenaries.

Lynch: Men. Right now would be the best time to--

Frank [Screaming loudly]: RUN THE FUCK AWAY!!!!

The mercenaries scream violently, turning around and flailing their arms as REX storms towards them. Several of them quickly dive behind the three shipping containers that lie behind them, slamming their backs into the metal to face the southern wall of the hangar, keeping hidden. As REX bears down on Fox, he backflips twice, and on the third backflip, aims his right arm out and fires off a wave of energy from the arm: This energy collides with the joint of the Radome, causing it to explode in a shower of orange flames and thick smoke.

Frank: Now that is the coolest thing I have ever seen in my life.

Vince: …Kawa--

Sal: Finish the weeaboo shit. Right now.

Vince: Fuck you, Jinnah!

Sal: Alright, you know what? Fuck you. Fuck your anime shit. Fuck your manga. [Seething with rage as he starts to get carried away] Fuck your goddamn Orihime Ichigo Negima Bleach Death Note Sakura Naruto Sasuke Astro Boy Hentai Hello Kitty Pile of Shit Motherfucking Cocksucking little goddamn fucking prick!!

Vince [Taken aback, flustered]: Well… [calm] I think someone needs aromatherapy.

Sal slams the back of his head against the container, turning his head to Brick.

Sal: Kill him, please.

Brick spits out a brown patch of tobacco onto the floor, looking at Sal and leering at him with brown teeth. Sal retches, covering his mouth.

Brick: What? Nothin’ wrong with chewin’ tobacky, is there?

Frank: Calm it, men.

Grey Fox leaps into the air, landing behind the container across the room from the mercenary huddle and next to Snake. Lynch turns to Karab.

Lynch: Alright, runner boy, make those legs useful and find out what their saying. Men, stay still or we’ll all be more fucked than Jenna Jameson.

Will [Semi-excited]: Mmm..don’t say that, these pants are a bit tight!

That Other Random Guy: You are messed up, you know that, right?

Karab [With a finger to his lips]: SSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Lynch turns to the mercenaries, all able to see one another thanks to the uniform line of the shipping containers, and swipes his hand in front of his throat, causing the mercenaries to quieten down. It’s unsure why Karab has to be hidden to the South of the container, mere inches from Fox and Snake, since their voices echo throughout the hangar.

Snake: Fox, why?! What do you want from me?!

Fox: I am a prisoner of death! Only YOU can free me!

Snake [Desperately]: Fox, stay out of this. What about Naomi?! She’s hell-bent on taking revenge for you!

The dark room lights up with various flashes from the exploding Radome as they talk. Maurice pulls a foil pan of popcorn from one of the satchels on his ammo belt and throws it through the air into the flames.

Maurice [Grinning]: POPCORN TONIGHT!

Brick: Damn! Wish I brought me some pork ribs!

Fox [Thinking back]: Naomi..

Snake: You’re the only one who can stop her!

Fox: No..I can’t.

REX starts to fire its Vulcan cannons wildly around the room, spraying the walls. Lynch stares out from behind his container as REX starts to strafe its fire dangerously close to his container.

Lynch [Snapping his fingers]: MEN! INTO THE OPEN AND TO THE FUCKING FLOOR!

That Random Guy: Into the open? ARE YOU INSA--

That Random Guy watches as the mercenaries dart out from behind their shipping containers, quickly diving onto their stomachs as the strafe of fire spits violently over their heads. He runs forward and dives out from his container and onto his stomach as several explosions, caused by the fragile barrels combusting near the containers, rock the hangar to its core. The mercenaries quickly cover their heads with their arms as red-hot metal shrapnel flies through the air, a product of the explosion. Dust from the walls and ceiling above rain down on them as REX continues to strafe wildly, its feet scrambling as it uselessly looks for one hostile target. Lynch claws his way to his feet, dusting off his hands.

Lynch: We survived!

Frank stands up, one of his eyebrows totally burnt off.

Frank: SO DID I!!

That Other Random Guy stands up, a piece of shrapnel embedded firmly in his left asscheek.


Will: That’s not an ass, it’s two zeppelins wrestling!

Sal: WOW! Look at that! Luckily it seems to have just hit flesh!

That Other Random Guy: PULL IT OUT!!!

Steve: Nope, sorry. That’s stopping you from bleeding out. See? The heat cauterized the wound.

Bobby [Smirking]: Plus, it’s funny. No-one else got hurt, right?

Phil: Not me, I’m fine. Although I don’t think Karab is.

Karab walks over to the group of mercenaries, holding a chunk of what appears to be his left ear.

Karab: Ouch…

That Hispanic Guy: Throw it over your shoulder for luck!

Ivan [chuckling]: Yes! Very good luck!

Karab sighs, throwing the bloody lump over his shoulder.

Dean: Look on the bright side..You now look like Evander Holyfield!

Karabs eyes widen and he beams.

Karab: Sweet!

That Other Random Guy: MY ASS! MY FUCKING ASS! HELP ME! HELP ME!!!!!!

Lynch [Rubbing his eyes and gritting his teeth]: Alright, someone pull the shrapnel from *beeps* ass.

The mercenaries each exchange disgusted looks, nodding at eachother before turning to Lynch and shaking their heads. Lynch folds his arms, growling.

Lynch: Jericho. Dean. *Beep*. Pull it out, or I will pull your heads off.

Jericho, Dean and That Hispanic Guy begrudgingly walk forward, shoulders slumped. That Other Random Guy turns around, eyeing them suspiciously.

That Other Random Guy: …I’m fine now!

Dean: Too bad.

Dean lunges forward, grabbing That Other Random Guys arms and twisting around, locking his arms behind his back. REX, meanwhile, is pacing the room, desperately firing across the eastern and northern walls, hoping to hit Snake.

Snake: Why can’t you stop her?!

Fox: Because I’m the one who killed her parents! I was young then…and couldn’t bring myself to kill her too…I felt so bad I decided to take her with me..I raised her like she was my own blood to soothe my guilty conscience! Even now, she thinks of me as her brother..

Snake [Grimly]: Fox..

Fox: From the outside, we might have seemed like a happy brother and sister, but everytime I looked at her, I saw her parents eyes staring back at me. [Desperately] Tell her for me. Tell her I was the one who did it!!

Liquid [Proudly]: THERE YOU ARE!!

Fox: We’re just about out of time….Here’s a final present from Deepthroat.. [Determined] I’ll try and stop it from moving!!

Snake: Alright.

Fox [Bluntly]: ..I was hoping you’d be a little more desperate.

Snake: Why? You said you’d stop REX from moving. [Clapping his hands] Chop chop.

Fox: Maybe I don’t want to, now. Maybe I want to kill you.

Snake; Fine..hows this… [Overtly-desperate voice] FOX!!!!

Grey Fox nods, bolting out from behind the container, and into the middle of the floor. REX quickly turns its attention to him, and starts spraying Vulcan fire towards him. Fox responds by flipping fluidly through the air to the right and to the left, reaching the left side of REX. As Fox frontflips near REX, it shoots out its free-electron laser from its stomach, sweeping upwards and cutting off the left arm of Gray Fox, sending a shower of blood to the floor, as well as his useless arm. Steve licks his lips, staring at it.

Steve: I could do with some armor..

Fox jumps onto the eastern wall, landing on a small platform connecting two vertical girders together, steadying the wall. Fox quickly flips and twists, aiming his right arm at REX. Before he can fire off another wave of energy, however, REX shoots forward, slamming the brunt of its cockpit and forward and slamming it into the chest of Fox. This force, combined with the stump of Fox’s left arm, sends a spray of crimson blood up the cracked concrete wall, large droplets of crimson splattering against the wall.

Liquids Voice [Angrily]: In the Middle East, we don’t hunt Foxes, we hunt jackals! Instead of foxhounds, we use royal harriers!

Snake runs out upon hearing this, staring up at his old friend and rival pinned against the wall by the cockpit, struggling uselessly against the tremendous force pinning him there.

Snake [In desperation]: FOX!

Liquids Voice [Bitter taunting]: How strong is that exoskeleton of yours? Snake? Are you just going to sit by and watch him die?

Liquids taunting proves fruitless, as Fox aims his right arm down and fires off several powerful beams of energy. Each beam hits the Radome perfectly on its mark, causing yet more vibrant orange explosions to fill the air.


The Radome collapses uselessly onto the shoulder of REX, lolling downwards and causing a shield of sparks to roll across the metal, indicating that its power lines have truly been severed. REX steps backwards, and Fox collapses onto his stomach on the small area of metal. As the Radome has been severed, the cockpit of REX falls open, like a Tyrannosaurus opening its mouth. In the bottom ‘jaw’ sits Liquid.

Liquid: Impressive. You are indeed worthy of the codename “fox”! [Sinisterly, furious] BUT NOW YOU’RE FINISHED!

Fox [In agony]: Nnnngghhh……NOW! Fire the Stinger!

Snake [Putting on a pained voice]: Fox!

Liquid [Mockingly, sinisterly]: Can you really shoot? You’ll kill him too!

That Hispanic Guy pulls out from the small circle of mercenaries, clutching a sharp shard of bloodied shrapnel.

That Hispanic Guy: BINGO!!!

Dean: Oh man, just when you thought the bullet-wound was nasty!

Jericho: Well, have fun explaining that one when we got home. Come on, get up.

Jericho leans down, grabbing That Other Random Guys arm, who has now curled into a foetal position clutching his ass.

That Other Random Guy [Dazed and in pain]: Someone help me..

Lynch smirks, arms folded as he watches Jericho and Dean drag That Random Guy across the concrete to the western wall of the hangar where the mercenaries have gathered to play an impromptu game of Rock-Paper-Scissors. He turns to Snake, watching as he stares up at Grey Fox, Stinger launcher on his shoulder, but refusing to fire.


Lynch stands there, staring desperately at Snake.


Snake keeps looking up.

Jericho [Angrily]: FIRE, DAMMIT! FIRE!

Snake turns around, walking behind the container and pulling the Stinger Launcher onto his shoulder, aiming it upwards towards the cockpit of REX

Fox [Weakly]: front of you…I can finally die…After Zanzibar, I was taken from the battle..neither truly alive..nor truly dead..


Ivan [Angrily, Impatient]: FUCK IT! VERE’S MY DYNAMITE?! I’LL DO IT MYSELF!!

Fox: An undying the world of lights..But soon….soon…It will finally….end..

REX simply leans forward and Liquid jolts the controls, causing the upper half of the folding cockpit to scrape across the back of Grey Fox. A streaming shower of blood erupts from the wound caused by jagged metal embedding itself into his body as he falls violently from his ledge and collapses to the floor onto his stomach. REX slowly raises its foot high above him.

Liquid [Triumphantly]: DIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!

Lynch [Egging him on]: KILL THE NINJA!


The foot of REX thunders downwards, smashing onto the back of Grey Fox. However, the exoskeleton still protects him and he lays there, pinned and looking at Snake.

Sal [Desperately]: OH COME ON!!!

Ivan: Fucking bastard! JUST DIE ALREADY!!


That Random Guy: CRUSH HIM LIKE A BUG!


Fox [Weakly, choking]: ..Snake..we’re not tools of the government, or anyone else..


Bob: Nice to see our travels are being put on hold for a stupid fucking moral message..

Robbie: HEY! You said something smart for once! Have a medal.

Mr. Dibbley: Good God, the man could talk for England, or anywhere else in the world for that matter.

Moe: Agreed. Let’s hear that crack! COME ON!

Fox [Growing weaker]: …Fighting was the only thing…the ONLY THING..I was good at….but…at least I always fought..for what I believed in…….Snake….farewell…

The mercenaries, now tired off this, collapse to their knees as one and start hitting their palms off the concrete floor, imitating a drumroll as REX slowly raises its foot up one more time. Liquid gives off a sadistic grin as the foot slams down violently onto Fox, causing a violent cloud of blood to erupt from beneath its right foot. Liquid flicks a few controls, causing REX to arch its back backwards and let loose a deafening, animalistic roar as a giant lake of blood now spreads out from beneath the foot of Rex.


Phil: And that’s the power of the Ninja!

Lynch: There was no power there!!

Dean: Exactly, for we had a weapon the Japanese do not..

Mercenaries: RIVERDANCE!!

Bob and Billy start to play the fiddle and flute again.

Billy: That was an ode to that guy..Strawberry Jam Man!

They watch as the blood continues to ooze out from beneath Rex’s foot

Steve: Actually, that is quite nasty.

Sal: Agreed.

Ivan: Blood is good.

Liquid lets loose a quick laugh, ignoring the mercenaries who actually, for once in the entire operation, supported his decision.

Liquid [callously]: Foolish man! He prayed for death, and it found him!

The cockpit of REX swings forward so Liquid can look Snake straight in the eye.

Liquid: You see? You can’t protect anyone! NOT EVEN YOURSELF! DIE!!!!!

Frank: Are we off free?

Robbie: No.

Dean: Why?

Dave: REX is onto us.

REX lets out a violent roar, twisting the cockpit around and bearing back down upon the mercenaries.

Liquid: I didn’t forget about you.

Karab: …Oh.

Lynch: Son of a bitch needs a tic tac.

That Random Guy pulls a box of spearmint tic-tacs out of the pocket of his combat pants, shaking them.

That Random Guy: Give him one?

Lynch glares at him as he pulls a grenade out of one of his pouches on his belt, winding his right arm before flinging the grenade. It bounces off the cockpit, landing at the foot of REX and exploding violently. REX rocks back and forth, simply weathering the explosion.

Lynch: Shit. Anyone got a plan?


Jericho: Calm down, dammit! We just need to stall him so Snake can ready his Stin--

A hiss pierces the air and a yellow plume is flung at REX, hitting the side of the cockpit with a mighty explosion. REX stumbles to the right, its legs shaking uneasily as Liquid lets out a frustrated cry, shifting the controls and turning the body of REX around to face Snake, ignoring the mercenaries.

Lynch: HUDDLE!!

The mercenaries quickly group themselves into a large circle with Lynch in the middle.

Lynch [Quietly]: Alright, we need to distract REX. Karab, Dean, Vince: That’s your job. Do something, anything to piss him off.

Vince [Confused]: Why us?

Lynch: You’re all classed as disposable.

Brick [Cackling ruthlessly]: HA HA!

Vince whines, lowering his head.

Lynch: *Beep*, Johan, Stoofer and Maurice: Take it down. I mean literally bring it to the ground: *Beep*, use your whip.

That Hispanic Guy reaches behind him into his black leather belt, unwinding a bullwhip from his hand and bringing it around to his front: Several metal tips have been added to the tassels at the end of the whip.

That Hispanic Guy: Whip Version Two shall bring down the fiery creature in a blaze of hellfire!

Lynch: That gives the other three time to fuck shit up. When it’s down, I want Steve to start fucking with the control panel somehow while Phil, Dibbley, Jericho and Ivan fight off Liquid. The rest of you, just keep running and dodging like you already know how to.

Mercenaries [In Agreement]: RIGHT!

They all quickly break the huddle, turning to face REX who is facing away from them, trying to stomp on Snake who is winding between the legs, dodging every blow. Snake runs a fair distance from REX to the south, only for several missiles to fly out from its shoulders, arcing into the sky before smashing into the ground with violent explosions, scarring the cement and raining plaster and shards of metal from the ceiling to the ground. Snake quickly runs forward between the legs of REX once more, hoping that simply dodging the slow stomps of REX will be the least of his worries.

Dean: Fuck that. That thing can fire missiles.

Will: Be a man for once!

Dean [Scathingly]: Alright then Will, you go! You go needlessly sacrifice yourself for no fucking reason!

Will [Looking at his fingers uncaringly]: Sorry, the most handsome die last.


Karab: This is a metal shield. It does not and will not protect us against violent, death-causing explosions, not unless the great Ganesh himself says so!

Lynch [Jabbing a finger into the chest of Karab]: So pray one of his eight arms grabs the missile! GO, YOU COMPLAINING FUCKS!

Sighing, Dean walks forward as the mercenaries flatten their backs against the western wall of the hangar. Dean stops, turning his head to them, and watch as they simply wave him on. He sighs, looking up at REX and cupping his hands over his mouth.

Dean [Half-heartedly]: LIQUID SUCKS MONKEYS COCK!!

REX keeps facing away from him, firing its Vulcan gatling guns down at Snake who runs across the length of the wall to avoid them. Vince sighs, walking beside Dean.

Vince [Half-heartedly]: LIQUID IS A FUCKFACE!!

Nothing. REXs cockpit still follows Snakes exact movements as he avoids the gunfire.

Dean [Half-heartedly]: YOU LOVE OILING UP OCELOT!!!

Still nothing.


REX spins around instantly, letting loose a giant roar as the cockpit shoots forward to Vince and Dean, stopping just above them.

Liquid [Enraged]: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!

Dean points at Vince, slowly backing away himself.

Vince [Nervously]: I was..Ha! See? I WAS JOKING!! HA HA HA! Wasn’t it..funny?

Liquid: That’s it, you unwashed soap-dodging oil-guzzling fatass hamburger-eating flag-waving cock-sucking American, I’m going to stomp you.

REX raises its foot high above Vince, who slowly looks up.

Vince: Oh bugger.

That Hispanic Guy quickly runs forward, throwing his whip back before snapping it forward with a deafening crack in the air. Part of the whip winds around the joint in the leg of REX, the steel tips scratching some of the metal as it hits the joint. REX stands there, one leg in the air as the other trembles under the weight, desperately attempting to keep a good footing. Snake stares up at the robot, then at That Hispanic Guy, before running across the wall and diving behind his shipping container.

Liquid [Angrily]: SON OF A BITCH!!

Liquid fiddles with the controls as REXs trapped leg shakes, trying to loosen the grip of the whip. Johan rushes over, grasping the beginning of the whip and pulling it tighter. REX trips slightly, but its left, free foot angles downwards, several spikes attached to the sides piercing down into the cement, steadying it.

Lynch [Whistling at the mercenaries]: MAURICE, STOOFER, BOBBY! GO NOW!

Stoofer and Bobby dash across the floor of the Hangar towards the left leg of REX, quickly wrapping their arms around it and trying to push it and pull it free from the floor. Liquid lets loose an angered cry, hammering different buttons on his control panels, embedding the spikes further into the floor. Stoofer growls, squatting down and grasping the leg tighter, hoping to lift it free, but it’s no use. That Other Random Guy points at the joint of the left leg.

That Other Random Guy [Jabbing his finger]: AIM FOR THE JOINT! AIM FOR THE JOINT!

Stoofer: I’M NOT..THAT….TALLLLL!!!!!!!

That Other Random Guy: Of all the times to forget socket wrenches and to have a wound in my asscheek..

He turns around, kicking the wall in frustration, quickly yelping and clutching the ragged wound on his ass. Sal cracks his neck, stepping forward.

Sal [Determined]: There is only one thing to do.

Lynch [Trying to keep a straight face]: I won’t like this, will I?


Lynch [Sighing darkly]: …I was right..


‘Kung-Fu Fighting’ starts playing as Sal jumps several feet into the air, one leg outstretched. Liquid stares as Sal somehow zooms towards the cockpit.

Sal [In a faux Chinese accent]: FLYING FUCK-YOU KICK!!

Sal slowly flies through the air, smashing his foot off Liquids chin. Liquids head snaps back and he flails backwards into his seat, eyes widened as he clutches the back of his seat.

Billy [Cracking his knuckles]: FUCK THAT! LET’S GET IT ON!

Billy, Moe, Vince and That Random Guy jump into the air, staying there for a few seconds with their arms raised and right legs stuck out. Moe glances at his watch.

Moe: I hate this fucking timewarp business--

All four of them somehow zoom forward towards the cockpit. Liquid gets to his feet, standing up and stares at the four feet zooming towards him.

Liquid: I have never seen anything like this in my enti--

All four feet hit Liquid full-force in the face, sending him violently back in an exaggerated rolling motion to the back of the cockpit as That Random Guy, Billy, Vince and Moe somehow zoom back to where they jumped, landing on their feet.

That Random Guy: Now THAT is how you kick ass!

As Liquid lays half-conscious against the cockpit, Stoofer and Bobby start to lift the leg of REX, concrete cracking as they do so. Maurice sees this as his chance, pounding his chest and running forward.

Maurice: LET GO LADS!!

Johan and Stoofer quickly jump backwards and Maurice collides with the leg, sending it backwards. As he does however, That Hispanic Guy and Johan let go of the whip, which sends it winding around the right leg of REX and sending it back towards both men in a boomerang effect.

That Hispanic Guy: That’s not good.

Both men scream and duck as the whip hurtles forward, smashing off the opposite wall which causes several other mercenaries to duck. The left leg of REX jettisons upwards, only for the right foot to come down swiftly onto the floor, holding it in position.

Steve [Looking at the ensuing carnage]: What do WE do?!

Lynch [Desperately]: SOMETHING! ANYTHING!

Phil clicks his fingers and runs forward, jumping onto the shoulders of Johan before jumping off, grasping the edge of the cockpit of REX. He simply hangs there, trying to pull himself up. Liquid grins, standing up and walking over to him, his nose bleeding heavily and his left eye starting to blacken.

Liquid: Hello, Phil.

Phil leans his head up, pulling a can of mace out of one of the pockets of his combat vest.

Phil: Hi!

Phil sprays the mace, hitting Liquid in the eyes. Liquid yells out in pain, scrambling backwards and rubbing his eyes roughly. Phil quickly leans up, pulling his body into the cockpit and leaning over, looking around.

Phil [Scanning the control panel]: C’mon, if this is a robot, there should be a..BINGO! USB PORT!

Phil pulls himself further up, quickly slamming a USB stick into the port on the control panel of REX.

Phil [Raising an eyebrow]: Y’know, Why on Earth would a killer robot designed for firing nuclear warheads even have a USB port—Fuck it, STEVE! GO GO GO!

Steve: ALRIGHT! Ooooo…tangled mess of code.

Phil quickly drops down from the cockpit into the arms of Bobby.

Phil: Oh care!

Bobbys right eye twitches and he throws Phil to the ground.

Bobby [Hissing]: Never say that again. EVER.

Phil slowly gets to his feet, dusting himself off and dashing back to the huddle of mercenaries, who are gathered around Steve. Steve has a small Palm Pilot in his hand, and is dragging a stylus across the screen.

That Other Random Guy [excitedly]: Made that myself! Yeah!

He grins at the mercenaries, nodding. Steve keeps dragging the stylus, tapping a few keys on the on-screen keyboard.

Steve: Better than nothing…I can’t get in. It’s just code after code after code after code. All I can do is make it RickRoll everybody.

Steve hits a few keys and a loud speaker ascends from behind the Radome, playing “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley. He taps a few other keys, and the music stops.

Steve: Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Frank: So..we do things the mercenary way:

Mercenaries [In unison]: With complete violence!!

Lynch: Who does the honors, then?

Johan: I will smash into Liquid. Keep him down again. Hope Snake hits something important with his next rocket. If he does not, Bobby and Stoofer can grapple the leg again.

Bobby and Stoofer nod at eachother, but Johan turns around, rubbing his head roughly and staring at the cockpit. Snake has now ran out from behind the shipping container, clutching the Stinger launcher over his right shoulder.

Frank: Alright, Johan, how do we launch you?

Bobby and Stoofer walk over, leaning down and grabbing Johans legs. Phil and Dave walk over automatically, grasping his arm. Robbie places his hands on the soles of his feet. All five men start to rock Johan backwards and forwards

Phil, Dave, Stoofer, Robbie, Bobby: One…two..THREE!!

At the count of three, the men quickly through Johan forward, sending him shooting through the air with the force of a speeding bullet. Johan tucks his arms into his side, adding more of a streamline to his body. Liquid rubs his eyes ree from the mace, looking at the speeding blur that is Johan.

Liquid: Why did I even hire these guy-


Liquid: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck.

Johans head smashes violently into the cockpit, knocking Liquid clean out of his seat and sending him jettisoning against the rear wall of the cockpit. He clutches his head, groaning loudly as Johan runs forward, diving out the cockpit. As REX stalls there once again, Snake quickly aims his Stinger.

Snake [Grinning to himself]: You’re about to be an…ex-REX..

Robbie: Alright, that was HORRIBLE!

Frank: Agreed. Totally agreed.

Snake fires the missile and it hits the left side of the cockpit, exploding violently. REX stumbles to the side, and Liquid lunges back into the seat, messing with the control panel once more. A large spark flickers in the bare wiring where the Stinger missile smashed into the armor, but REX seems to shake it off, stomping towards Snake.

Bob: WHAT?!

Mr. Dibbley: Now this is a conundrum, chaps!

Steve [Desperately]: THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO KILL IT!!!

Liquid: Snake..I’ll crush you into dust!

REX lunges forward, raising its foot high. Before it can finish a vicious stomp, however, an explosion ripples from inside it, across its midsection. Liquid lets out a frustrated cry, fiddling with the controls. REX jolts away from Snake, its legs shaking as it stumbles away to the opposite end of the hangar before twisting around. It stands there, tall and erect for a few seconds, before a violent gush of white-hot steam erupts from its feet and it collapses onto its hind leg, its railgun hitting the floor uselessly as the machine slumps forward.

Lynch: Well, that was eas--

Several explosions start to rip through the air and Liquid erupts in a pained roar, explosions piercing through the armour of REX as it shakes and convulses, erupting in plumes of black smoke. The mercenaries scream, desperately trying to claw down to the ground, but the force of the explosions rocks the entire hangar. Mr. Dibbley slowly begins to slide backwards.

Mr. Dibbley: Oh poo.

A quick, violent explosions causes the feeling of the air vanishing and turning into a battering ram to hit the mercenaries, each one of them being flung back by the force, hitting the wall. Maurice stands there, arms crossed over his head as he attempts to use his large form to weather the battering force. Will, Dean and Karab crouch behind him as Ivan zips past them upside down, smashing off the wall behind them and sliding down it.

Will [Screaming]: DON’T GIVE UP, FAT MAN! DON’T GIVE UP!

Jericho slides past them.

Jericho: I hate this job.

He’s lifted swiftly off his feet, flying backwards and smashing into Bill and against the wall, knocking both men unconscious. Stoofer and Bobby are also trying to weather the explosions with their muscular forms as That Hispanic Guy. That Random Guy. That Other Random Guy and Dave cower behind both of them.

That Hispanic Guy [Voice cracking]: MERDE! THE…FORCE IS….TOO….STRONG!

Snake himself is slammed backwards violently, hitting the wall and sliding down it unconscious. Stoofer and Bobbys legs finally buckle, both of them being fired backwards, smashing into That Hispanic Guy, That Random Guy and That Other Random Guy, all five of them hitting the wall violently. Maurices legs also buckle at last, flying backwards. Will hits the wall, quickly hit by Dean, and then smothered by Karab.

Will [Crying out in agony]: THE PAIN CAN’T BE ANY WORSE!!

Maurice: I CANNO’ HOLD ON!!!


Maurice flies backwards, smashing violently into Dean, Karab and Will, knocking all of them unconscious with Will letting out a desperate choke. The mercenaries slowly black out, most of them sandwiched between wall and team-mates. Snake lets out a final groan, oblivious to what is happening…


Liquid [Smirking evilly]: Sleeping late as usual, eh, Snake?

Snakes eyes slowly open and he raises his head, a throbbing pain squeezing his brain and a burning pain filling his eyes and nostrils as he raises his head. The rooms electrics have cut out, sending the entire room in an empty blackness, lit only by a fire raging on and flickering orange around the room, presumably from the inside of REX. Liquid is standing above him, his bare chest covered in bloody grazes and soot, arms folded. He looks down slightly: Both of them are on some sort of platform…No, not a platform. Both of them are on the head of the fallen REX. Snake slowly turns his head to the left: Against the wall lies the huddle of mercenaries, many on top of one another, still lying unconscious and dazed. He slowly turns his gaze back to Liquid.

Snake [Weakly]: ..Liquid…You’re still alive..

Liquid: I won’t die as long as you still live.

Snake [Starting to gain consciousness]: ..Too bad. It looks like your revolution was a failure.

Liquid simply turns away, arms still folded and walks out of Snakes blurred line of sight.

Liquid: Just because you’ve destroyed Metal Gear doesn’t mean I’m done fighting.

Snake slowly turns his head, looking at Liquid once again. Liquid still has his back turned.

Snake: Fighting? What are you really after?

Liquid: A world where warriors like us are honored as we once were…as we should be.

Snake: That was Big Boss’s fantasy--

Liquid [flustered]: It was his dying WISH! [Breathing out, calming down] When he was young, during the Cold War, the world needed men like us. We were valued then. We were desired…..But things….oh, things are different now…With all the liars and hypocrites running the world, war ISN’T what it used to be. We’re losing our place in a world that no longer needs us. A world that now spurns our very existence.

Liquid: You should know that as well as I do. After I launch this weapon and get our billion dollars we’ll be able to bring chaos and honor back to this world gone soft! [Speaking with the zeal of a crazed dictator] Conflict will breed conflict! New hatreds will arise! THEN we’ll steadily expand our sphere of influence!

Snake: But as long as there are people, there will always be war.

Liquid: The balance. Father knew what type of a balance was best..

Snake: Is that the only reason?

Liquid [laughing softly]: Isn’t that reason enough for warriors such as us?

Snake: I don’t want that kind of world!

Liquid [Confidently, smiling]: HA! YOU LIE! So why are you here then? Why do you continue to follow your orders while your superiors betray you? Why did you come here? Well..I’ll tell you then. You enjoy all the killing, that’s why.

Snake [Taken aback]: WHAT?!

Liquid [Bemused by Snakes defiance]: Are you denying it? Haven’t you already killed most of my comrades?

Snake [Voice cracking]: That was!!--

Liquid gives a small laugh, cutting him short. A rustle is heard from his left ear, and he slowly turns his head: Lynch is on his feet, his knees buckling, patches of his face blackened with ash and patches of blood. He clutches his right arm to his stomach, cradling it and walking a few feet forward, staring up at REX.

Lynch [Weakly, groaning]: …Like Wolf....Raven…

Liquid nods, grinning to himself.

Liquid: I watched your face as you did it….It was filled with the joy of battle…

Snake [Defiantly]: You’re wrong!

Liquid [Quietly, Sinisterly]: There’s a killer inside you..You don’t have to deny it. We were created to be that way.

Snake: ..Created?

Lynch sighs, staring up at the form of REX which is now leant, crooked, against the eastern wall, the head and cockpit steadied by the wall to stop it from collapsing. He shakes his head, turning around and looking down at his mercenaries: While there are still signs of life amongst them, most of them are still mostly unconscious. Frank, who is splayed across the fallen forms of Sal, Vince and Brick, lifts his head up, his head pounding with pain as he opens his eyes, looking at Lynch weakly. His moustache is clogged with dirt and soot, and a large lump is starting to form on his smooth forehead.

Frank [Weakly]: ….Coach…Where….where are we?

Lynch: Shadow Moses. Wake up.

Frank growls in pain, his head slumping back, but he quickly forces himself to roll down a small pile of mercenaries and onto his knees on the floor, looking up at Lynch.

Sals Voice [Quietly]: …Wha’s goin’ on…

Lynch: Ssh.

Sals head slowly surfaces from beneath the back of Vince, spreading his arms across the body of Bob and forcing himself up onto his feet, looking up at the slumped form of REX.

Liquid: Les Enfants Terrible. The terrible children. That’s what the project was called. It started in the 1970s, and their plan was to create the most powerful soldier possible. The model chosen was the man known then as the greatest living soldier in the world

Snake: Big Boss..

Liquid: But father was wounded in combat, and already in a coma when they brought him in. So they created us from his cells..with a combination of 20th century analog cloning and the Super Baby Method.

Snake [confused]: Super Baby Method?

Liquid: They fertilized an egg with one of fathers cells, and then let it divide into eight clone babies. Then they transferred the clones to someones uterus and later intentionally aborted six of the fetuses to encourage strong fetal growth. You and I were originally octuplets

Snake: ..Octuplets?

Liquid: Yes. The other six of our brothers were sacrificed to make us. We were accomplices in murder before the day we were even born. So it was you and I. Two fertilized eggs with exactly the same DNA. But..they weren’t finished yet. [Angrily, lunging his fist forward] THEY USED ME AS A GUINEA PIG!..To create a phenotype in which all of the dominant genes were expressed to create you. I GOT ALL OF THE RECESSIVE GENES! YOU TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME BEFORE I WAS EVEN BORN!

Lynch [Sarcastically rubbing his fists over his eyes]: WAH WAH WAHH!!

Liquid snaps his head to the left, glaring down at Lynch, who points up at him.

Lynch [Scathingly]: You have nothing more than a fucking stick up your ass, you goddamn psychopath! You blame everything on him, not looking at the fact that you’re a fucking lunatic!

Liquid: That’s what you think? You think this is simply a petty grudge?

Frank: It is. It’s a petty grudge.

Jericho slowly crawls out from under Ivans body, his camelskin trenchcoat cut into what is practically ribbons. He slowly gets to his feet, shrugging the remnants of his faithful trenchcoat off his shoulders, revealing two holsters at the side of a brown leather belt holding twin revolvers.

Jericho [spitting, pointing at Liquid]: You just can’t fucking stand that Snake is better than you..We are better than you!

Liquid [Laughing]: I hardly think that’s true.

Sal [Slowly getting to his feet]: Look at it this way.. [Standing up straight] We’ve outmaneuvred and outfought your precious little soldiers with your dads precious little genes up their rectums.

Lynch: Thank you!

Liquid: But…me and him aren’t his only children.

Snake: ..What?

Jericho [Rolling his eyes and turning around, leaning down and slapping Ivans shoulder] Great, more bullshit…

Ivan groans lowly, his eye slowly opening.

Ivan [Groaning]: …Vere am I?...

Jericho: Hell. Get up.

Liquid: The Genome Soldiers. They too are his progeny, carrying on his genetic legacy. But they’re different, they’re digital. With the completion of the Human Genome Project, the mysteries of humanity were laid bare. Thanks to fathers DNA, they were able to identify more than sixty “soldier genes” responsible for everything from strategic thinking to the proverbial “killer instinct”. These “soldier genes” were then transplanted into the members of the Next Generation Special Forces. That’s how they become the Genome Soldiers..That’s right. [Sinisterly] The Genome Soldiers that you’ve been killing are our brothers with the same genes as ours.

Snake [Confused]: The Genome Soldiers?!

Liquid: That’s right. They are our brothers, created artificially from the alignment of nucleotides to mimic our fathers genes. They too are the product of numerous sacrifices

Snake: Sacrifices?

Liquid: [Angrily] Human experiments! [Clearing his throat] Nineteen-Ninety One. The Gulf War. The military secretly injected soldiers with the soldier genes. The Gulf War Syndrome that hundreds of thousands of returning soldiers complained about was a side effect of it.

Snake [triumphantly]: HA! Everyone knows Gulf War Syndrome was caused by exposure to depleted uranium used in the anti-tank rounds!

Liquid [laughing]: That was just a cover story issued by the Pentagon! First they tried to say it was post-traumatic stress disorder, then chemical or biological weapons. The poison gas detection units and the anti-sarin injections..They were all just a cover-up of this secret genetic experiments.

Lynch [quietly]: Man, this guys fucking serious about it..

Frank [quietly]: You don’t know..he could just be getting under Snakes skin..

Snake: So then, the so-called “Gulf War Babies” that have been reported by Gulf War veterans are--

Liquid: Yes. They too are our brothers and sisters.

Snake: So the Genome Soldiers mean the experiments were a success?

Liquid: Success? [Bitterly] Don’t be a fool! They’re a complete failure! We are on the verge of extinction!

Snake [Even more confused]: What?!

Liquid: Have you ever heard of Assymmetry Theory?

Lynch: This is just getting stupider..

Jericho [Angrily]: Great, more shit no-one cares about!

Several of the mercenaries, roused from their slumber by Liquids voice and the mercenaries now wakening, start to stir and open their eyes. Dean crawls out from beneath Karab, shuffling under a group of mercenaries and climbing onto his knees, shuffling his shoulders back and cracking them.

Dean [groaning]: …Fuck me, that hurt…

Lynch: We were only out for a few minutes…don’t think brain damage will have kicked in..

Frank: Would we notice?

Lynch: Exactly.

Karab slowly raises his head, running his hand down his face.

Karab: I kept hearing a low dull drone..What was it?

Dean: ..Liquid.

Karab nods, slowly forcing himself into a sitting position. Liquid folds his arms, walking down the ‘nose’ of REX which signals the cockpit and looks out over it.

Liquid [Calmly]: Nature tends to favour asymmetry. Those species which have gone extinct all show signs of symmetry. The Genome Soldiers suffer from the same problem…signs of symmetry…So do I… do you..That’s right, we’re all on the verge of death at the genetic level. We don’t know when, or what type of disease will occur, that’s why we need the old mans genetic information.

Snake: You want Big Boss’s DNA so you can save your family? It’s very touching.

Liquid: In nature, family members don’t mate with eachother yet they help eachother to survive. Do you know why? It increases the chances that their genes will be passed onto a new generation. Altruism amongst blood relatives is a response to natural selection. It’s called the ‘Selfish Gene Theory’

Snake: You’re telling me that your genes are ordering you to save the genome soldiers?

Liquid: You can’t fight your genes, it’s fate. All living things are born with the sole purpose of passing on their parents genes. That’s why I’ll follow what my genes tell me. And then I’m going to go beyond, in order to break the curse of my heritage..

Liquid turns around, slowly walking back up the cockpit and kneeling in one knee in front of Snake, looking into his eyes.

Liquid: And to do that..first, I will kill you. Look behind you.

Snake slowly turns his head around: Lying on her side, facing away with him, is the unmistakeable red hair of Meryl, a small box with a blinking yellow light sits just above her head: She doesn’t seem to be moving.

Snake [Surprised]: MERYL?!?! Is she alive?!

Liquid: I’m not sure..She was alive a few hours ago..Poor girl kept calling your name

Jericho [Getting more impatient]: DOES ANYONE CARE ANYMORE?!?!?

Phil slowly gets to his feet, holding his hand over his forehead which is now flowing with blood.

Phil: Think I’m alright..what’s all the racket?

Ivan: Vell, Liqvids still mumbling about scientific babble..

Phil: Great….get up, big guy..

Phil nudges his foot against Johans shoulder, causing him to emit a sleepy groan and slowly sit up, looking ahead.

Johan [groggily]: ..Damn explosions..

Steve slowly gets to his feet, slapping a hand on Phils shoulder to steady himself on his shaking legs as he glances up at REX.

Snake [Quietly]: ..Meryl..

Liquid: Stupid woman. Falling in love with a man who doesn’t even have a name

Snake: I have a name..

Liquid [Bitterly]: NO! We have no past! No future! Even if we did, it wouldn’t be truly ours! You and I are just copies of our father, Big Boss.

Snake [Angrily]: Let Meryl go!

Liquid: As soon as we’ve finished our business! We’re almost out of time!

Snake: ..You’re talking about FOXDie?..

Liquid: No. It seems that now that the Pentagon knows that Metal Gear is destroyed, they’ve arrived at a decision. They won’t even need a battle damage assessment. If you want the details, why don’t you ask your precious Colonel Campbell?

Steve lets go of Phil and stumbles around for a few seconds before he grabs onto Lynchs shoulder, throwing a small button into the air. It smashes off of the side of Snakes head and hits REX with a small rattle.

Lynch: Why did you do that?

Steve: I’m hoping the Codec vibrations might hit the button as well through REX…

Steve reaches into his pocket, pulling out his PalmPad: The screen is smashed and the stylus has bent. He sighs darkly and throws it to the ground with a clatter.

Steve: Doesn’t matter..Let’s just listen..

Sal: ….Fucking ouch..

That Hispanic Guy rolls from beneath That Random Guy and Bobby, groaning loudly.

That Hispanic Guy [Half asleep]:…No more taquitos…

Snakes Voice: Colonel! Can you hear me?!

That Hispanic Guy [Yelling out]: I SAID NO MORE TAQUITOS!!

He lunges up, his beige suit-jacket falling off his shoulders. Bobby rolls across the floor, shaking his head and opening his eyes, rubbing his bald head tiredly.

Snakes Voice [Angrily]: What is the Pentagon trying to do?! COLONEL! ANSWER ME!

Bobby [Yawning and stretching his legs]: …Damn…Whats going on?

Lynch: We’re eavesdropping, hush.

Snake [Getting angrier]: What for? WHAT?! WHAT?! METAL GEAR IS DESTROYED! Tell the Secretary of Defense!!

Frank [Sighing sadly]: That’s never a good sign, is it?..

Lynch: The American Government getting involved? No. It never is.

Snakes Voice [Dejected]: ..He’s going to drop a nuclear bomb to vaporize the evidence along with anyone who knows anything…

Suddenly, every single mercenaries eyes open.

Mercenaries: Oh fuck.

Lynchs face almost pales instantly.

Lynch: …..Oh my God. We’re gonna be nuked.

Frank [Already giving up]: We had a good run..

Lynch: We will wait for Snake to begin the fight, and then..we leave.

Lynch turns to his mercenaries, straightening his legs together and standing at attention. The mercenaries start scrambling to their feet, many using others to stand up as they nurse wounded legs and arms. Phil leans on Jericho, clutching his forehead which is flowing with blood. Ivan sits against the wall, his eyepatch having fell off and revealing the socket to be bleeding. Will is kneeling, clutching his ribs, a few of which are probably broken. Only Moe seems to have been left least hurt, and even he is nursing his right arm.

Lynch [Proudly]: Men. The world expects that every man will do his duty. We have fulfilled it, but now we must escape. We must ensure that we remain alive, for that is one of the parameters of this mission.

Snakes Voice [Angrily]: How?...But Colonel, if you do that……[spitting]…Those bastards..

Frank: Well, good idea. Snake will probably win anyway.

Lynch: He will, see, I spotted that device beforehand, if I recall correctly.

Phil: What?

Jericho: What are you talking about?

Snakes Voice: Ridiculous!

Lynch [An eerie smile appears across his face]: It’s a nuclear device..It was attached to recognize the heartbeat of Meryl..but, in fact, I noticed it was wired to a device that was in the Control Room. I had Steve hack it.

Steve waves, hobbling slightly.

Steve: Yeah..if Snake dies, place goes boom.

Lynch [His smile broadening]: The final ace. If Snake dies, then so does Liquid and everything on this island, including Ocelot. That means time would bisect into two points, and we’d reach the point before we were called up to join the mercenaries. If Snake dies, so do we, as figments, but we technically still live.

Phil [Confused]: ….So our consciousness would?

Steve: If I recall…Cease to be. That is, before 2005. You’d probably realize consciousness 9 years before where we are now, and continue life as normal.

Ivan [Eyes brightening]: Can I detonate it?

Lynch: No., No detonating.

Bill [still lying on the floor, right arm over his eyes]: Why? S’better than our future.

Lynch: Every man will do his duty. That ace is one final card only to be played in desperate measures.

Snakes Voice [Scathingly]: …Smart. You’ll be murdering everyone here. The scientists, the Genome Army, everyone..

Phil: Wow, he’s good.

Ivan: He’s talking to someone else, idiot..

Phil: ..Still.

Dave: Look, how about we stop talking..and start moving?

Frank: Nope, gotta wait.

Bill [Muttering darkly]: ..Bastards.

Snakes Voice: ..So you didn’t mean to kill the DARPA Chief after all?......And you could care less about what happens to everyone else, huh?

Lynch: Prepare, men. Prepare and get ready.

Brick: Man, this is worse than the Man in the Banana Suit.

Sal sits up, looking straight ahead.

Billy [Spitting]: Don’t…say…ANYTHING.

That Random Guy: Well, are we all..ready?

Snakes Voice: What are you talking about?.......I don’t have it..

Lynch: Yes. Yes we are. [Determined] MEN! RISE UP!

Groaning and moaning rumbles through the charred hangar. Phil, Steve, Jericho, Dave, Sal and Frank stand beside Lynch as the mercenaries slowly scramble their way to their feet. As they do, Snake stands up, rubbing his gloved wrists. Liquid walks over to Meryl in the meantime.

Liquid: You stole everything from me. Only your death can satisfy me. Only your death can return to me what is rightly mine.

Liquid lowers his head, looking down at Meryl.

Liquid [sadistically]: She’ll make a beautiful sacrifice for our final battle.

He turns around, motioning his hand downwards at the blinking box.

Liquid: Do you know what this is? It will be the time limit for our final battle. This nuclear module is set to detonate at the precise moment of her death.

Liquid holds his hand up, pressing an unseen switch. The mercenaries rise to their feet, looking up at REX.

Brick [Calling out]: RING THE BELL!!!

Liquid: If you win, you might still be able to save her. You could enjoy one brief moment of love before the end. If you cross this line..

Liquid motions at the edge of the jutting out cockpit.

Liquid: You’ll fall. At this height, it will kill even you. [Determined] HAVE AT YOU, SNAKE!

Lynch: And so, it begins.
They hear the sounds of pained punching, kicking and yelling. They watch Snake stumble very close to the western side of the head of REX, the side from which they are watching, but he quickly stumbles forward, swinging a jab at Liquid.

Bill [excited]: SMASH HIS FACE IN!!

That Random Guy [grinning]: KICK HIS TEETH IN!!

Dave [cupping his hands around his mouth]: KICK HIS FUCKING HEAD IN!!

Snakes Voice: I’M TRYING!!!

That Hispanic Guy [In bloodlust]: TRY HARDER!!

Stoofer [Growling deeply]: SNAP HIS NECK IN TWO!!!

Lynch folds his arms, watching the fight unfold.


Frank [clapping his hands in encouragement]: COME ON!!!

Liquid stumbles off the western edge of REX, latching onto the edge by mere fingertips. Dave grabs a piece of rubble from his feet, winding his arm and throwing it at Liquid, hitting him dead center in the back.

Lynch: Hang on, what happened to our guns?

Liquids Voice [Strained as he hangs on]: I…TOOK THEM…AWAY WHILE..YOU WERE ALL UNCONSCIOUS!!!

Phil: Oh, you DICK.

Lynch [Angrily]: WHERE ARE THEY?!?!?

Liquid [laughing desperately]: MELTED!! INSIDE REX!!!!

Liquid starts laughing more maniacally, and Lynch fumes, leaning down and grasping a piece of metal girder as he pulls himself up. He drops it as Liquid disappears out of view.

Lynch: Alright men; This is it. No more fucking around..Move.

Frank: Good, because it looks like Snake isn’t losing yet..

They watch as Liquid collapses over the western edge of REXs head again.

Liquid [exasperated]: DAMMIT!!!

Robbie [Cupping his hands around his mouth]: YOU SUCK, ASSHOLE!!

Bobby [Flipping the bird up at Liquid]: YEAH! GO FUCK YOURSELF!

The mercenaries walk confidently around REX and to the west of the fallen robot: A solid metal door is standing there, with no visible security panel. Lynch runs up to it, swiftly kicking it.

Lynch [Angrily]: GODDAMMIT!!! IT’S SHUT TIGHT!!

Johan and Bobby stomp forward, starting to punch heavy blows into the metal: Nothing. Not even a small dent is embedded into the tough metal.

Johan: Shits tough, ese. It’d take a welding torch to do this.

Steve: Aren’t you guys mechanics?

Bobby turns to Steve.

Bobby: Doesn’t mean we carry our tools of the trade on us at all time. Most of our tools are below us, you know, the place that got torn apart?

Dean: Not even one?! [Angrily] COME ON!

That Hispanic Guy: Excuse me? A welding torch? With THIS suit? I oughta kick your ass for suggesting something so STUPID!

Karab [Snarling]: Hey, fuck you!

Robbie [Angrily]: Fuck you, Shiva!

Dave [Retorting]: Hey, shut the fuck up!

Ivan [Angrily]: Vhy don’t YOU shut the fuck up?!

Phil [Angrily]: Fuck off!

Jericho [Angrily]: Shut your fucking mouth!

That Random Guy [Angrily]: SHUT YOURS!!

Bill [Calmly]: Shut up, asshole!

Billy [Angrily]: And why don’t you, you fucking dickhead?!

The mercenaries descend into a rabble of arguing and yelling. Lynch turns around to watch, half proud and half enraged. Jericho ends up shoving Phil backwards, who lunges forward, shoving Jericho. Dave grabs Jericho in a headlock, starting to choke him violently. Johan grabs Dave by his shoulders, squeezing him with a rough nerve grip. Dave simply locks the chokehold tighter and Lynch storms forward, punching Jericho in the temple. Jericho collapses backwards, and Lynch throws a left hook, smashing Dave in his jaw. Johan lets go, staring at Lynch. Lynch jumps up, smashing a right hook violently into the temple of Johan. Amazingly, the force sends Johan straight to the floor, collapsing with a giant crash. Lynch turns to Phil, growling and throwing another right hook, snapping Phil in the jaw and sending him collapsing to the floor. The mercenaries stop arguing, staring in amazement at Johans unconscious body, and then at Lynch who is standing there, teeth gritted as he breaths in and out violently.

Lynch [Breathing heavily in rage]: ….Do your fucking duty, and stop being such..such..SUCH fucking boneheads..

That Hispanic Guy slowly walks forward, eyes widened and arms raised as he steps around Lynch, trying to avoid being punched himself.

That Hispanic Guy [In a calming, almost patronizing, tone]: Alright, alright..calm down ese..Let me see..

That Hispanic Guy turns, looking at the door. Robbie, Bob, Brick, Ivan and Jericho glance upwards as Snake hangs from the head of REX, pulling himself up much quicker than Liquid.

That Hispanic Guy: Well, it requires constant amounts of brute force, and guess what? You just knocked out Johan.

That Hispanic Guy points at Johan, who is lying unusually still on the floor, despite audibly breathing. Bobby and Stoofer walk forward, pushing That Hispanic Guy behind them and stomping violently at the door. Dave slowly sits up along with Phil, both men snapping their jaws into places with resounding cracks. Dave glares up at Lynch, his nostrils flaring.

Dave [Angrily]: You fucking dickhead.

Lynch [Ignoring him]: Yeah yeah. Get up.

Dave slowly gets to his feet, leaning down and helping up Phil, who grasps his hand and gets to his feet.

Steve: Phil? You alright?

Phil [Muffled]: Orphnorphorph.

Jericho: ..Eh?

Phil snaps his jaw to the left, opening and shutting it.

Phil: I’m good.

Vince: Look, that’s a metal door, probably three inches thick. We’ll need a few grenades, or a source of concentrated heat.

Silence. Everyone turns to Vince, including Lynch.

Vince [nervously]: Well, y’know..I am a…Construction..Analyst..of the team. It’s my job to know how to do the things.

Lynch: Well done, but where do we find a source of concentrated heat?

That Other Random Guy: Aside from a blowtorch? Pff..I dunno….it would have to be super-concentrated in the form of a flame…and we’re talking thousands of degrees..or several points of structural damage at once?

Bob: …So, grenades? Several grenades?

Vince: No…

Phil: Dynamite?

Vince: Nope.

Frank: Blowtorch!

Vince: Yes, but we don’t have one.

Will: Hipthrusts!

Vince: No.

Robbie: A wolf?

Vince: …NO!

Robbie pats the breast pocket of his uniform: The bundle is, surprisingly, still intact, despite the fact that Robbie had hit a wall, luckily with his back. He slips open the pocket, looking inside: It shuffled slightly, signaling it was still alive.

Robbie: Mmk?

He looks around shiftily.

Bob [Suspicious]: ..What are you hiding?

Robbie: I’ll fucking cut you if you ask another question, bitch!

Bob: Same old, same old..

Johan slowly sits up, getting to his feet and turning around, walking through the crowd of mercenaries and towards REX, unphased by being hit. Bobby and Stoofer quickly turn around, noticing Johan and instinctively following him.

Frank: Where’s he going?

Maurice: I think I know, lads..

Maurice follows Bobby and Stoofer. That Random Guy sighs, running a hand through his hair.

That Random Guy: So, what now? Snakes booting Liquids ass, and now we’re stuck.

Mr. Dibbley: Nil desperandum.

Brick [Blurting out]: Taco Bell.


Brick: Chimichanga.

Karab: Well, this is boring..

Sal: We could be at home watching porn and drinking beer right now.

That Hispanic Guy: How about I WHIP the door?!

Vince: Won’t work.

That Hispanic Guy: Never said it would..I just want to whip it!

He turns his head to Dean, grinning slightly.

Dean: No fucking chance.

That Hispanic Guy: Since when did I ever ask, maricon?!

Dean screams as That Hispanic Guy unsheathes his whip, hiding behind Lynch. Lynch stands there, arms folded.

Lynch: No.

Frank [laughing loudly]: HAHA!

That Hispanic Guy snaps the whip at Franks feet, causing him to scream and run backwards.

Phil: Take it like a man!


Frank stops, looking behind the mercenaries, eyes widening.

Frank: …..Move.

The mercenaries turn around to see what Frank is staring at: Stoofer, Johan, Bobby and Maurice have grabbed a girder which presumably fell from the roof after the explosions tore through the room. The mercenaries quickly part into two wings as they charge through, giving a war cry and smashing the end of the girder off the door. The force causes the metal door to crumple like a tin can, bending inwards and revealing shades of blue light at the top and bottom where the door simply peeled away from the face.


Vince [ecstatic]: TO THE OTHER SIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE!!!!!!!!!!!

Lynch, Bill, Brick, Billy, Dean, Karab, Sal, Will, Robbie, Frank and Bob grab the left side with Johan and Stoofer, while Phil, Jericho, Ivan, Mr. Dibbley, Brick, That Random Guy, That Hispanic Guy and Dave grab the left side with Maurice and Bobby. Moe watches, arms folded as the other mercenaries charge forward, slamming the girder violently into the door. The door folds inwards even more. The mercenaries quickly swing the girder backwards a final time, thrusting it forward: The door screeches, scraping against the walls before it collapses uselessly to the floor with a deafening crash.

Stoofer [Booming out a command]: TURN!!!

The mercenaries patter their feet as they slowly angle the girder to their leftand swing it backwards, and finally forwards, throwing it and sending it skidding across the floor with a noisy screech. Lynch stands to the side of the doorway, motioning to the mercenaries.


The mercenaries dash past Lynch, who pats the back of the heads of every mercenary who passes by: They dash into a tiny coridoor, lit dimly by blue lights which add a sort of haze to their eyes more used to firelight than neon lights at that moment. Opposite the doorway, just behind the fallen door, are a small set of concrete steps: The mercenaries dash over the fallen door, running up.

Phil [Head raised in victory]: FREEDOM! SWEET FREEDOM!

Dave [Pumping his arms]: I CAN FUCKING TASTE IT!!

Dean [Running his hands over his cheeks as if bathing himself in the air]: SO CAN I!!!

Sal [Breathing heavily]: ALMOST! THERE! SO! DAMN! CLOSE!

The mercenaries footsteps echo noisily as they run in single file up the steps, arms pumping vigorously at their sides as they carry their aching feet, their brows sweating and mixing with the ashen soot and blood crusted onto their faces.

Will [Desperately]: COME ON, GUYS! COME ON!

They dash forward into another doorway: What beckons them is a parking garage, one that is surprisingly full. White-clad Genome Soldiers, now with their ski masks removed revealing countless human faces, a stark contrast to the masked counterparts they killed with ease, wind between army jeeps and vans, packing in and climbing into them. As they walk in and turn right, they can see five vans lined up at the rear of the garage, each one painted a dark, jet-black shade with tinted windows. There are also several jeeps parked in front of the vans, five in a row, with three rows. Each one with an open roof, bulletproof windshield, and a swiveling Browning fifty-caliber machine gun on the back. At the end of the first row, however, is a low car, painted a dark black like the vans, but with a flame motif on the hood, with red leather seats and furry leapord-print dice hanging from the rearview mirror. That Hispanic Guy lets out a cry of excitement, dashing forward and jumping straight into the drivers seat of the lowrider.

That Hispanic Guy [Beaming]: I LOVE YOU OCELOT! I COULD KISS YOU! KISS YOU!!

He grabs the steering wheel excitedly, twisting it. Johan and Bobby run forward to the lowrider, making signs of the cross on their chest. Bobby dives into the passengers seat, while Johan vaults over the rear doors and into a passengers seat. That Hispanic Guy looks under the wheel: No keys in the ignition.


Johan turns his head, looking at a large burlap sack overflowing with dollars laying on the leather between both rear seats. He grins, nodding to himself.

Johan: That will do..

Stoofer waltzes over, jingling a lone silver key, beaming in a true grin.

Stoofer [Smirking]: Men, shall we ride?

That Hispanic Guy [Beaming over more]: HOP IN, STOOFER!!

Stoofer hands the keys to That Hispanic Guy who gladly takes them, slotting them into the ignition and firing up the engine. Stoofer climbs into the rear passengers seat, looking down at the sack: His grin widens even more.

Stoofer: ..I look forward to working for that guy again.

Johan [Calling to the mercenaries]: SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE, MEN!!

A genome soldier raises the black gridded grate, which rattles as it does. The lowriders engine roars into life, and the four mechanics slowly drive through the grate and out of sight. Phil, Jericho, Bob, Dibbley and Dean give a small salute.

Dean: Let’s rock, shall we?

Phil: When we get home..Bitter.

Dean: American beer.

Jericho: Anything.


Frank slowly pushes Phil and Jericho to the side as he emerges from the doorway, stepping into the parking garage. He looks at the jeeps, then looks over his shoulder.

Frank: Men, choose a jeep and lets roll!

Frank runs to the nearest one in the second row, jumping quickly into the drivers seat and stomping on the floor rhythmically, turning to the group.


Bob and Steve are the first to rush forward, with Steve climbing into the passengers seat and Bob climbing into the back, patting the back of Franks seat.

Bob: Good man! Shall we get going???

Billy rushes forward, grasping the rear bumper of the jeep and hopping up, grasping the handles of the Browning tightly to hold on. Bob shivers with excitement.

Bob: Get to go home..OCTOPUS! READY THE HOT COCOA!!

Billy [Bellowing loudly]: FIRE IT UP, DRUNKARD!!! THE FUTURE AWAITS US!!!

Lynch is still in the doorway, watching the fight between Liquid and Solid as Frank fires up the engine, zooming off down the tunnel ahead. Phil stands there, looking at the jeeps: Two more speed off into the tunnel, filled with genome soldiers. The jeeps were beginning to fan out.

Jericho: Phil, what are you waiting for?

Phil [Calmly, folding his arms]: Ain’t leaving without Lynch.

Jericho [Taken aback]: ..Seriously?

Phil: Yeah..not fair, is it? He gives the speech about leaving, but he’s watching the fight. The mans led us, and I think it’s only fair to wait.

Jericho slaps a hand on his shoulder, nodding.

Jericho:’re not smart, and you’re a bleeding-heart pussy, but I’ll wait with you..

Maurice walks forward from between the gaps in the now-dwindling numbers of mercenaries, heading towards the final black. A Genome Soldier turns to him, quickly backing away and simply climbing into the passengers seat of one of his friends jeeps, patting his back as they drive off. Maurice opens the vans driver door and climbs in, causing the van to tilt to one side. Moe, seeing his friend claim transport, runs forward as fast as his tiny legs can carry him, ignoring the revving engines of several jeeps. Maurice opens the passengers door and pushes it open, allowing Moe to grasp the edge of the seat and climb in.

Moe: How much room in the back, Wor Maur?

Maurice looks in the rearview mirror, glancing at the grate behind him and noting the two blocks running parallel to eachother on both sides of the van: Blocks which could be characterized as seats.

Maurice: I’d guess a good few, wee lad.

Moe waves to the group of mercenaries. That Random Guy, Dave and Robbie rush forward, ignoring the horns of jeeps passing by and the violent cursing of the desperate Genome Soldiers and quickly crowd around the van, running towards the rear and pulling the stiff doors open quickly.

Robbie: Dave, won’t be the first time you’re in a van killing people, right?

Dave: True. Not yours, is it?

Robbie laughs.

Robbie [laughing]: No, absolutely not, hop in, blondie!

Dave hops into the rear of the van, sitting on one of the solid metal blocks going up each side of the jeep, allowing them to sit. Robbie also climbs in, sitting down: He feels something against his heel and reaches between his legs, pulling out the unmistakeable khaki and beige tube that signalizes an RPG-7 launcher, grinning to himself.

Robbie [Happily]: FUCK ME! THIS IS AWESOME!

Dave stares at it, smirking.

Dave: This evens some odds, alright!

That Random Guy hops in, nodding at Robbie and sitting next to Dave.

That Random Guy: Nice hardware you’ve got.

Robbie: Thanks..

Maurice [Waving at them from in front of the grate]: Shut the doors, lads!

That Random Guy and Robbie slam the rear doors of the van shut roughly.

Robbie [Giving the thumbs up]: LET’S GO, BIG MAN!!

The van coughs and chokes as Maurice turns the already-inserted key inside the ignition, causing the van to spit out petrol fumes and roar into life.

Moe [Eagerly]: HERE WE GO LADS!!

Moe stands on his seat, grasping his seatbelt and pulling it violently down over his body, sitting up as Maurice drives, turning left and driving down the tunnel.


The remaining mercenaries turn around: There is only one mercenary left, and it is Coach Lynch. He walks up the stairs, a wide grin on his face.

Lynch: Guess what? [ecstatic and beaming widely] HE DID IT! HE FUCKING DID IT! WE’RE GOING HOME!

These remaining mercenaries let out a violent, roaring cheer, arms spread. The large group hugs as one, with Dean even jumping on top of them, head nodding excitedly as he hugs his comrades. A feeling now of happiness pours through the remaining group, coming to terms with the one realization: They were minutes from setting one chain of events right and going home.

Lynch [Quickly]: LETS GO GO GO!!!

The group disperses from hugging eachother and the mercenaries look around: Only a few jeeps remained. Lynch snaps his fingers, pointing, running and jumping into the only one left in the third row near them, grasping the keys in the ignition and nodding at the mercenaries.

Lynch: Hop in, men!

Ivan rushes forward excitedly, jumping swiftly onto the back and onto the swivel, grasping the handles of the Browning and nodding at his mercenaries. Will and Sal rush forward, climbing into the rear seats. Sal stands up, waving two fingers in the V/Peace symbol at his mercenary comrades.



Mr. Dibbley claps his flippers together excitedly, waddling around to the jeep and climbing into the passengers seat.

Mr. Dibbley [Gratefully]: THANK YOU, SIR!

Lynch quickly cranks the gears, fires up the engine and drives forward. He slows down at the side of Dean, Karab, Vince, Jericho, Phil, Bill, That Other Random Guy and Brick, the only remaining mercenaries. He gives them a small, but honest, salute.

Lynch: Men, get home safely. I’ll be waiting.

The mercenaries return the salute before turning to look at eachother: Only one jeep remained.

Phil: Now this is awkward.

Dean: I’ll say..

Vince: …I’m going to give up my seat for one of you guys.

Phil: What??

Vince: Yeah, I’m just going to--

A roar fills the air and a jeep reverses through the open grate and out of the tunnel, braking in front of the mercenaries. A genome soldier, mask off, is driving it: The scarred face of Fabien turns to the mercenaries

Fabien [Hastily]: HOP EEN! HOP EEN!

Jericho: Frenchy! Finally!

Fabien: Oui! I am! I am here to rescue you all! NOW!

Jericho hops into the passengers seat. Phil and Bill hop into the rear of the jeep. Brick blinks and climbs onto the back of the jeep, sitting on the back where a machine gun would be mounted, but is strangely missing.

Bill [Sighing]: Dammit, I wanted to drive..

Jericho: Better than dying, right?

Bill nods.

Bill: Get me Pabst Blue Label, baby..I am waiting!

Dean, Karab, Vince and That Other Random Guy dash forward, claiming the free jeep. Dean turns to Fabiens jeep, raising a thumbs up.


Phil: Okay then, [turning to Fabien and nodding] Drive motherfucker!

Fabien: One note: unfortunately, ve have none of ze chainguns on zis jeep!

Brick: Well, that’s fucked up.


Fabien slams his foot on the accelerator and the mercenaries are jolted back, speeding down the parking garage and onto a road spiraling through a tunnel.


Brick holds on for dear life, nodding and placing his camouflage caps between his legs.


As soon as they’ve accelerated, they immediately halt at a barricade, consisting of a booth with glass windows erected on a concrete platform in the middle of the tunnel, with two barriers either side of it: One of the yellow-and-black striped barriers has already been shot to pieces, and a jeep is stuck there, it’s engine choking violently: Frank, Bob, Steve and Billy sit there, heads in their hands and sighing a unified sigh. Fabien honks his horn at the jeep.

Fabien [Angrily honking the horn]: MOVE! EET’S A TRAFFIC JAM IN HERE!!!

Three other jeeps are lined up in front of them, watching.

Driver One: MOVE IT YA BUMS!!

Frank sighs and hops out of the drivers seat, wiping his brow. He walks around the jeep and props up the hood, looking at the engine. Steve hops out of the passengers seat and walks to the hood, looking at the engine. Car horns start to ring through the tunnel.

Driver Two: COME ON!


A screech of tires pierces the air as a jeep fires past them at insane speed. It’s followed by a second jeep, driving just as quickly, but the mercenaries can catch a blur of tanned skin in the second jeep.


The voice fades into the distance, and Fabien looks behind him.

Fabien: Right, vell, three point turn.

Frank: Come on guys, do you lot have jumper cables?

Jericho [Grinning evilly]: FUCK YOU AND SEE YOU IN HELL!

Fabien reverses slightly before accelerating forward again, his jeep slowly turning right as he repeatedly reverses and accelerates, twisting slowly. After roughly two minutes of repeating this, Fabiens jeep faces an obtuse angle which allows it to swiftly drive out to the other side of the road and stop in the middle of the broken barrier.


Frank: Come on! Jumper cables?!

Bill stands up, placing a hand over his crotch.


Bill cackles loudly as the jeep zooms off into the tunnel in the distance. Bob sighs and grabs the key, twisting them repeatedly.

Bob [Sighing]: Nothing..

Frank [Desperately]: Guys?! JUMPER CABLES?!?!

One of the Genome Soldiers jumps out of the passengers seat of the jeep behind, clutching a tire iron.

Driver One [Hissing]: I recommend you move it, or this tire iron is going up your ass.

Bob twists the key again, the ignition firing up. Steve quickly moves around, diving into the drivers seat as Frank slams the hood down. Steve quickly drives forward, causing Frank to leap onto the bonnet and hold on.


Steve: I totally did not see you.

Franks legs dangle off the bonnet as he clutches onto the bottom frame of the windshield for dear life, scrambling forward slowly.

Frank [Pleadingly]: STEVE! STOP!

Bob: Oh shit..GO MAN GO!

Frank: WHAT?!

Frank looks over his shoulder: The other three jeep is parked at an angle at a checkpoint. However, Steves jeep smashed through the right hand side of the barriers, distracting the guards long enough for Jericho to pull out the revolvers at his waist, firing upon the guards as Fabien puts his foot down. Fabiens jeeps tires screech violently, shooting forward through the left-hand barrier and winding through the jeeps of Snake and Liquid, driving beside Franks.

Fabien [Grinning and waving]: BONJOUR!!

Frank jumps forward, forward-flipping into the passengers seat and scrambling around into a sitting position.

Meryl [Angrily]: MOVE!!!

Steve quickly turns the jeep, cutting off Fabiens as Meryl speeds past them, with Snake standing on a swivel and clutching a high-caliber machinegun. He nods at them as both men shoot down the tunnel. Frank quickly raises his head.
Frank [calling out]: Snake! We'll cover you!

Fabien and Franks jeep shoots forward for a few metres before coming to a grinding halt at another checkpoint, manned by three soldiers. One of the soldier hurls a pineapple into the jeep
Phil: What the fuck?
Another soldier hurls in a melon which hits Brick in the face, knocking him out.

Bill [In amazement]: THEIR FIRING FRUIT!!!

Frank [In honest terror]: NO! NOT HEALTHY FOOD! NOT HEALTHY FOOD!

The guards grin, clutching apples in their hands and glaring at the mercenaries as if they held live grenades.

Steve [Half-laughing]: Was there budget cuts we don’t know about?!

The guards hurl their apples at the jeeps, causing the drivers to duck down, and the passengers to quickly dive down onto the floor of their jeeps, listening as the apples thud off of the metal.


Lynchs jeep screeches, reversing at high speeds behind the barrier. The guards slowly turn around, a look of wordless terror in the eyes appearing as they see Ivans crazed grin as he turns his machinegun towards them.

Ivan: Tick tock.. [Ecstatic bloodlust] TIME TO DIE!!

Frank [Terrified]: FUCK ME! HOLD YOUR FIRE!

Lynch reverses one of the unsmashed barriers, sending pieces of wooden shrapnel skidding across the road as he reverses over two of the soldiers, crushing them both beneath his wheels and causing the tops of their heads to burst open, spraying blood, brains and mucus as the floor. Ivan spins the gun to the left, opening fire and spraying the final guard with bullets. He trembles violently, blood bursting out in clouds with each bullet fired in his body until he collapses to the floor lifelessly. Lynch looks over the seat at the other two jeeps.


Fabien [Happily]: Bonjour, my rival! Let’s move!

Fabien quickly spins the steering wheel of his jeep as Lynch revs the engine, emitting a throbbing roar. Fabien does the same, quickly lining up behind the jeep of Lynch. Steve quickly turns his wheel, lining up behind the jeep of Fabien.

Lynch: MOVE OUT!!

The engines roar as the jeep speeds down the road, followed by Fabien and Steve. Jericho half-stands up, flicking a thumbs up to Ivan who has spun his Browning around to face them.


Ivan jams the thumbs up at Jericho, grinning.


Bob sighs, laying back in his seat and closing his eyes.

Bob [calmly]:…Home soon.

Frank [excitedly]: Yes..and finally, beer!!

Steve: Is that all you can think about??

Frank: Yep.

Mr. Dibbley: Better than nothing, chaps.

Jericho: Yeah, it is, right?

Phil: Wish we had some snacks for this long journey..

Fabien: Sadly not, my friends. Sadly not.

Phil shrugs, laying back in the seat with his arms behind his head.

Bill: Nice to see you’re relaxing..Kind of hard to when you could be stopping in five seconds.

Phil: You heard him: Long road.

Sal: Yeah, you heard the man!

Will: All of you, shut up! I want a beauty nap before getting home to my sugarbottom!

Brick: Man, that is some disturbing shit you said!

Will [Scathingly]: Fuck you, redneck! FUCK YOU!

Sal: Oh, shut up, you fucking pansy!

Will [Snarling patronizingly]: I didn’t ask your opinion, peasant!

Sal [In angered disbelief]: PEASANT?! ME, PEASANT??!!? My Dad has more money than all of you put together, fuckface!

Bob: Guys, be quiet..Trying to sleep for Octopus..

Phil: Bob, man, you like that shit? I thought it disturbed you.

Bob [Confused]: ..Umm..A hot blonde woman with the perfect body?

Phil: And tentacles.

Jericho: Don’t forget the tentacles.

Bob: Oh, come on guys! She’s totally ditched the tentacles!

Phil: Man, I would HATE being in your shoes when 2014 rolls on and she goes loony.

Bob: Why??

Billy: ….Alright, you can’t be THAT stupid, can you?

Bob: Maybe I’m an optimist!

Bill, Phil, Jericho, Ivan, Billy, Lynch, Frank and Steve laugh.

Billy [Bluntly]: No. No. Just no.

A trapezoid-shaped opening appears in front of them. Steve brakes, allowing Phils jeep in the middle to follow Lynch. Steve quickly follows into the tunnel, which is a sign of the base being underground: The walls are made of unpolished, undecorated jagged rock, aside from a few slathered beams of concrete every few feet. On the ceiling are line after line of blue lights, while on the left of the road descend metal beams at an angle, connected to the ceiling and helping to stabilize the tunnel. There are large gaps between the beams, something testified when the three jeeps pass the black van of Maurice, whose occupants have rammed a jeep off the road and are now fighting hand-to-hand with the genome soldiers. Dave and Robbie are repeatedly stomping on the head of one, and Frank simply waves at them.

Frank: BYE!!

Daves Voice [Angrily as he chokes a Genome soldier]: KEEP DRIVING, DRUNKIE!!

The jeeps drive past them, continuing down the tunnel.

Jericho: Crazy..lucky fucks..

Billy: Want to hurt something?

Jericho [Excitedly]: DAMN RIGHT!!

Lynch: Calm down, you insane bastard, we’ll hurt something soon!

Lynch keeps his foot down, accelerating down the tunnel faster. Fabien and Steve follow suit, driving faster after Lynch. After a few tense moments, the jeeps shoot out of this tunnel, hurtling down the road.

Bob [Surprised]: CHECKPOINT!

Sure enough, ahead of them is yet another checkpoint erected, with the left barrier smashed into pieces. However, a Browning machine gun has been mounted in the booths smashed windows, aimed at the jeeps which skid to a halt violently, the tires screeches echoing as they stop metres away.

Brick: Not good.

A Genome Soldier surfaces inside the booth, grasping the handles of the Browning. Ivan and Billy spin, going to open fire, but he stops, looking behind them: A violent whirring sound fills the tunnel as the black van they passed reverses, the back-doors directly parallel to the booth. The doors shoot open, and Robbie stands there, his RPG-7 on his left shoulder.

Robbie: Hey, toll guy, here’s your tip.

Robbie pulls the trigger and a rocket flies between the jeeps, connecting with the toll booth and causing it to explode in a shower of glass and plaster, erupting with a plume of orange flame and black smoke. Robbie nods and smirks, staring at the fire with Dave walking beside him.

Dave: Nice shot, and good job on the one-liner!

Frank [Laughing]: YEAH! GO ON ROBBIE!


Maurice waves a hand out from the driving seat, jabbing his finger backwards. Maurice drives forward slightly to the left, before reversing. He repeats this, blocking off the road, before maneuvering so he is facing down the road at an angle, twisting the wheel repeatedly until the van faces ahead.

Moe: Let’s roll!

Lynch drives his jeep forward through the rubble that used to comprise the barriers and the ill-fated toll booth, followed by Fabiens jeep, Steves jeep and the black van. The vehicles start speeding down the tunnel once more, wind whistling in their hair as they do.


Bob [Sarcastically]: Oh, fucking chipper, alright! Real fucking great!

Maurice winds his window down, leaning his arm out which is holding a cigarette.

Sal [Surprised]: Big dude, I didn’t know you smoked!

Maurice: Oh aye, I started ten minutes ago!

Sal: Can’t blame you!

The jeeps go silent as the wind whistles through their hair. Ivan pulls back the slide on his Browning machine gun, ejecting a trapped bullet.

Ivan: Fucking ving..useless pile of junk..

Lynch: Shut up, and keep firing you crazy Russian motherfucker.

Frank: Hang on..has anyone seen Dean, Karab, Vince and *Beep*?!

Jericho: Can’t say we have!

Phil: Probably back there somewhere! Just keep going!
They quickly skid to a halt at another checkpoint. An elephant is standing in front of the barriers, staring down at the vehicles menacingly, its ivory tusks gleaming in the lights of the tunnels ceiling the elephants head is narrowly scraping. Several genome soldiers are standing behind it, absolutely bewildered as they gaze up at the titanic creature.

Frank [In utter disbelief]: AN ELEPHANT?! A FUCKING ELEPHANT?!

The elephant lets loose a massive roar and grabs Frank with its trunk, grasping him by the waist and pulling him from the drivers seat, lifting him upside down.

Frank [Screaming]: WHAT MADNESS IS THIS?!

Phil: The same madness that allows me to do this!

Phil pulls a Spartan spear from nowhere, hurling it towards the elephant. Instead, it skewers Frank through his left shoulder, causing him to scream violently.

Phil: ….Oh. I forgot. I don’t know how to throw a Spartan spear.


Phil: Charming.

Lynch [Laughing]: NICE SHOT!

Will [Cruelly]: Haha! Look at him! He’s been captured by an elephant!

Maurice looks down at his cigarette, then at the elephant, then at the cigarette again before flicking it away.

Moe: Giving up smoking, Maurice??

Maurice: Yeah lad..Fuckin’ wacky tobacky or what?

Moe: That’s a real elephant, though!

Maurice squints and leans forward before sitting back. That Random Guy peers out behind their seats, looking through the windows.

That Random Guy: Reverse so Robbie can make it go boom?

Maurice: Too close to Frank, kidda.

Robbies Voice: IT DOESN’T MATTER!


The elephants starts shaking Frank violently, and he retches. The mercenaries watch, their heads bobbing up and down in unison with Frank being shaken. The elephant then, deciding it has had enough of its weak prey, throws Frank onto the hood of his jeep, turning its beady eyes towards Ivan. Ivan quickly presses back in his seat, screaming in his native tongue and firing wildly at the elephant. The elephant lets out a pained howl, stumbling backwards as several bloody holes explode in its face and trunk, sinews popping out and hanging like thin threads down the poor creatures face.


Mr. Dibbley [Hoping to spur Ivan on]: YOU ALMOST HAVE IT!

Steve: It’s weak! Quick! GO! FLAREON!

Everyone turns to Steve, who reaches into his pocket and throws out a Pokeball. It snaps open on the ground: A red form shoots out of its depths and a red creature, resembling a cross between a dog and a fennec fox with a bright orange mane, tail and wisp of hair, stands on the ground. Ivan stops firing and stares down at it.

Ivan [Confused]: Do I kill that ving?

Lynch [Just as confused]: ….I’m not even going to hazard a guess.

Phil: Steve, isn’;t that thing..y’know, supposed to be able to shoot out flames that can melt stuff--

Steve: Ye--

Phil [Bewildered]: LIKE JEEPS?!?!?!

Steve blinks.

Steve: Oh. I was caught up in the moment of it being cool.


The Flareon opens its mouth.

Sal [Taken aback]: But that looks ominous.

Maurice shakes his head, leaning out of his window.

Maurice: Alright Moe, am I high lad or is that a Pockymonster?

Moe [Recalling from memory]: A Pokemon? Flareon, the flame pokemon. It shoots flames from its internal fire-sac.

Maurice turns his head to Moe, cocking an eyebrow.

Moe [Quickly]: I have a Nintendo DS, sucker!

The Flareon closes its mouth, turning to Franks jeep. Steve leans over the drivers seat and hangs out over the door.


The Flareon keeps looking at Steve.

Lynch: Ivan..keep firing. At the elephant, that is.

As Ivan swivels the gun, a horn rendition of “Spanish Flea” echoes throughout the tunnel, causing some mercenaries to turn around: That Hispanic Guy jets forward in his lowrider, skidding to a halt beside the van with a noisy screech and the smell of burning rubber. He quickly stands up, unlooping the whip from his rear belt.

That Hispanic Guy: OLE!!! I’M HERE TO TAME… [His eyes widen as he glares at the creature] an elephant??

Stoofer [eyes widening]: Alright, this is just getting fucking weirder..

That Hispanic Guy [Even more bewildered]: …And what the fuck is THAT thing?!

He points at the Flareon.

Bob: Don’t ask. Just, don’t ask.

Johan: …I’ve seen it before. I will not venture a guess at why it is here, though.

Ivan [Bored]: Vill you just take your moment in ze spotlight?!

That Hispanic Guy [Kissing his whip]: Steel-tipped whipping-death. Let’s rock!

He throws back the whip, before snapping it forward with a deafening crack, the steel tips glinting under the neon lights. The whips slice into the flesh between the eyes of the elephant, which lets out a weak howl and stumbles back into the firing line of Ivans Browning. Ivan lets out a violent cackle as the elephant turns to its left, stumbling lifelessly, its legs twitching and rocking as it stands there, shaking under the gunfire and tremendous blood-loss. The guards look up at the elephant, a red mist descending across their khaki uniforms and black ski-masks.

Guard One: Well, that’s never a good sign, is it?

Guard Two [surprised, frightened]: Oh. Fuck. Me.

The elephant slowly collapses to the left, landing on top of every guard with a sickening crunch, blocking off the right-hand road. Ivan laughs out triumphantly and Lynch leans over Sal, high-fiving Ivan.


The Flareon, agitated at the strange company, turns to Steve and opens its mouth.


Bob [Hastily]: GO MAN, GO!

Frank looks down at the Flareon, falling off the hood of the jeep and looking at it.

Frank: Awww--

The Flareon goes to shoot out a stream of flame at Frank, but a jeep speeds between the lowrider, van and jeeps, smashing violently into Frank.

Sal [Surprised]: OH DAMN!

Will [Laughing]: WIPEOUT!

Mr. Dibbley [Laughing]: TOTAL WIPEOUT!

Brick [Whooping]: GET THAT DOOOOOOOOONE!!!!!!


Johan [Surprised]: MERDE!!

The jeep grinds to a halt with the body of Frank embedded in the now-cracked windshield: Dean is driving, Karab is next to him, and That Other Random Guy and Vince are in the back, all of them staring at Frank, whose face stares at them, mumbling something lifelessly.

Frank: mmmney..

Dean: ….You want mon--

Frank [Angry, in extreme pain]: NEED NEW KIDNEY!!

Karab: …Sorry!

The Flareon turns to Fabiens jeep.

Fabien: Awwwww….tis a cute creat--

The Flareon opens its mouth.

Phil: Let’s bail.

The tires screech and the jeep barrels forward into the left lane, overtaking Deans jeep and speeding off into the distance. Frank crawls forward, collapsing between the seats of Karab and Dean, just laying there silently.

Dean [Half-heartedly]: ….Sorry?

Frank [in agony]: ….Drive...

Dean: I’m sor--

Frank [Angrily]: FUCKING DRIVE!!

Dean sighs and their jeep fires into life once more, speeding off and following Fabiens jeep. Steves jeep, however, has stalled. The Flareon turns her head to the jeep, head cocked as Steve repeatedly twists the key in the ignition, the engine spluttering.



Steve grinds his teeth and twists so hard the key snaps off in the ignition, and he pulls his hand away, revealing the handle of the key with nothing else attached.

Steve: Oops.

Billy [Angrily]: YOU STUPID TWAT!!
That Hispanic Guy [embarrassed]: Fuck this shit, we have a mission to do.

The lowrider speeds between Steves jeep and the black van, barreling into the left lane and speeding off into the distance. Lynch shrugs, slamming his foot down and also following the lowrider. The black van remains there, however, waiting for the final jeep to move.

Maurice: You lads gonna need a lift??!

The Flareon keeps looking at Steve.

Steve [Calming voice]: Goooooooood strange creature….

Bob: I hope its looking at us become you’re it’s trainer.

Billy: Steve, if we get out of this, remind me to start beating you regularly.

Moe [Sighing]: Yeah..their gonna need a lift.

The Flareon opens its mouth.


It shoots out a stream of flame at the jeep. Steve, Bob and Billy scream, quickly jumping out of it and running back up the road as fast as they can as the heat from the fire causes the petrol to ignite, the car exploding in a violent shower of flames and smoke. The Flareon gives a small, pleased smile as Billy rolls up his sleeves, pointing at it.

Billy [Enraged]: I’m going to FUCKING DO YOU IN, CUNT!!!

The black van quickly speeds forward, stopping a few metres short of the strange creature. Robbie and Dave open the rear doors, waving at Steve and Bob who have now grabbed one of Billys arms each as he flails, trying to break free.

Billy [Seething with rage]: LET ME AT IT! LET ME AT IT!

Bob: This isn’t Glasgow, Billy! Let it go!


Dave: Hop in, you crazy fucks!

The Flareons eyes glint evilly at Maurice as the rear doors to the van slam shut. Maurice quickly drives forward, spinning around the Flareon and hurtling forward down the left hand lane. Steve kicks the doors open, holding a hand out to his Flareon.

Steve [Saddened]: I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Flareon bows its head, running with surprising speed after the van.


Steve slams the door shut, turning to Dave.

Steve: You didn’t have to hurt her feelings, Dave!

Dave [Bewildered, enraged and exasperated]: How do you know it’s a she? Why are we even talking about this? WHAT RELEVANCE DOES THIS HAVE?!

That Random Guy: Guys, be quiet. We’re almost home..

Robbie sighs and sits opposite That Random Guy, next to his RPG-7 splayed across the seat.

Robbie [Calmly]: You’re right..

That Random Guy: The sense of expectancy is almost overwhelming.

The van keeps speeding down the road. Robbie, Dave, That Random Guy, Steve, Billy and Bob take seats in the rear van, sighing nervously, their breaths shaking. The journey was almost over, and they were literally mere minutes away from going home.

Dave [Breathing out]: …This is it. We’re going home.

Billy [Calming down]: ..About time. We’ve waited this long.

They look out of the two tinted panes of glass in the rear window as the van shakes: It overtakes Lynchs jeep, whose own inhabitants are now nervously awaiting their time. Even Ivan has one hand off of the Browning, fingers crossed to his chest.

Lynch [Calmly]: Remember men, just a few minutes now. When the roads bisect, it’s under a mile to the outside. I assume that we should just get time-warped out of this place, but if not: Next plane to the Middle East is on me.

Mr. Dibbley: Charming, truly charming.

Sal: It’s no private jet..but I just miss my mansion!

Will: I miss my Gucci!

Ivan: I miss drinking nitroglycerine!

The road parts into two lanes, with a series of metal beams, extending from the roof to the road and lit by sky-blue lights, stand in the middle of the road, which has now begun to gently slope upwards. The jeep follows the van into the left hand lane, and Lynch grips the wheel tighter.

Lynch [Beaming]: HERE WE GO!!!

Fabien grins excitedly, his own jeep at the front of the queue.


Bill [grinning]: I SEE THE LIGHT!!!

Frank: IT BURNS!!

Fabien [Ecstatic]: VE LIVE!!! OH OUI OUI VE LIVE!!!!

Brick: HOME! HOME!

Jericho [Maniacally]: LIGHT!! THERE!! LIGHT!!

The jeeps continue driving, the smell of diesel and sound of roaring engines filling the tunnel as a white dot appears in front of them. Will raises his fists into the air, pumping them.

Will [Ecstatically]: BIG SEXY DADDY IS COMING HOME!!!


Frank [Calmly, a smile spreading across his face]: ..We succeeded..


Fabiens jeep jumps out of the tunnels entrance and out onto the patch of land, skidding across a frozen over patch of tarmac and onto the road, continuing violently onto the patch of snow, glittering in the dawn sunlight. Fabien jams the steering wheel, tightening the brake as the jeep skids sideways, spraying snow across the ground as the jeep keeps skidding, passing one jeep lying on its side, and another almost fully overturned, both belching out thick smoke.

Fabien: JUMP!! JUMP!!

Bill, Brick and Jericho dive out of the jeep, wrapping their heads in their hands as they roll across the thankfully soft, forgiving snow. Phil and Fabien crawl across their seats, quickly jumping out. Phil splays his arms, hitting the snow and skidding along it on his stomach.

Phil [Screaming]: SNOW BURN! SNOW BURN!

Phil slowly skids to a halt, spitting out a mouthful of cold, fluffy snow and looking up: Deans jeep screeches as it hits the iced tarmac. Seeing Fabiens jeep, Dean quickly jams to the left in shock, driving straight for an electrical generator surrounded by a mesh gate.

Dean: Oh fuck, jump.

Dean, Karab, That Other Random Guy and Vince dive sideways, covering their heads as they violently hit the tarmac. They quickly scramble backwards, sliding away from the generator as the jeep careens through the wire fence, colliding with the generator. Several electrical wires flop down from the generator, hitting the jeep and sending violent golden sparks into the air.

Brick: Hey, their crash was purtier than ours!

The lowrider quickly slides onto the tarmac, skidding sideways onto the road. Johan, Stoofer and Bobby quickly jam both their legs out, digging the heels of their workboots into the ground, allowing the lowrider to slowly halt just inches away from Bricks face.

Brick: Yeah! Cheers for that, guys!

Johan: No problem.

That Hispanic Guy gives a deep, erotic sigh as he caresses the steering wheel, climbing out and clicking his fingers.

That Hispanic Guy [Giving a soft purr]: Men, that was a pleasurable drive..I want it bringing back to the future!

Jericho: Plus ten for the pop culture reference, eh?

Johan, Stoofer and Bobby climb out of the lowrider, each one grabbing a wheel and dragging it to the right before slowly letting it down, parallel to the jeep on its side: Liquids jeep. The black van is next, barreling out of the tarmac and heading straight over the road and between the overturned jeeps of Liquid and Solid. Phil, Fabien, Brick, Jericho and Bill get on all fours, desperately crawling sideways and diving across the snow as the van collides brutally with their own jeep, sending it rolling on its side and over the edge of the island, crashing into the water with a sickening thundering rumble of water. The van manages to grind to a halt, its right front wheel barely over the edge of the island..on the side of Maurice.

Maurice [Taken aback by his predicament]: …Yer having a fooking laugh, aren’t ya?

Moe quickly scrambles, opening his door and diving out. The right rear door of the van shoots open and Dave, Robbie, Steve, Billy, Bob and That Random Guy stream out, hitting the snow on feet and hands and abandoning the van. Maurice undoes his seatbelt, slowly edging across to the passengers seat. The van rocks violently as he does.

Maurice: Ahh..fuck it.

Maurice dives forward, his chest hanging out over the passengers seat. The van suddenly shifts, leaning to the right, but Maurice ducks his head and rolls forward, hitting the snow with a resounding thud and laying there, breathing heavily as the rocks snap and crumble away, allowing the van to tumble sideways into the water with a violent splash that sends freezing brine into the air.

Moe: Well done, Wor Maur!

Maurice [Breathing heavily]: this…again..
Lynch, having heard the explosions, crackles and rumbling of vehicles hitting the water, breaks while in the tunnel, causing his jeep to skid slightly across the patch of tarmac before coming to a halt sideways. Lynch sits there, grinning proudly and claps his hands, climbing out of the jeep.

Lynch: I passed the Academy driving tests, so none of my men hurt.

Mr. Dibbley leans over the passengers side, vomiting up fish bones.

Sal [Disgusted]: …You nasty, nasty motherfucker.

Lynch gets out, walking forward with his hands behind his back. He looks to his left at the overturned jeep: Snake and Meryl are laying there, stuck.

Snake: ..Little help?

Lynch: Su--

Phil [Desperately]: LYNCH! GET BACK!

Lynch turns his head to the right, taking a few steps back. Liquid, his body now covered in deep gashes oozing blood, stumbles forward groggily. His eyes are glazed, but he clutches his assault rifle tightly, clearly with only one goal in mind: Ignoring the mercenaries, he stumbles over to Snake, looking down at him.

Liquid [Weakly, gruffly]: ..Snaaaake…

The assault rifle in Liquids hand shakes violently as he aims down the sights, pointing the barrel at Snakes head.

Liquid [Weak breath]: …Fo…

Liquid throws his head back, looking up at the sky as the arm carrying his assault rifle drops weakly to his side. He collapses violently to his knees, raising his left arm to the sky in a futile fight for his life which has now come to an end.

Liquid [Weak cry]: …Fox?..

Snake: …Die.

Liquid starts gasping for air as his legs splay across the snow, his head still looking into the air before his body slams down into the snow. After a few seconds, his left arm twitches, and he raises his head weakly, gurgling for breath as he reaches in a desperate attempt to grab Snake. His attempts are for nothing, however, as his arm hits the ground, followed by his head. Liquid Snake lays in the snow, bloodied and still, his breaths no longer echoing through the cold dawn air. Lynch gives a deep sigh, pulling a silver tube from out of one of the pockets of his combat vest, slipping it open and pulling out a long match and a thick, deep brown, Cuban cigar. He places the cigar between his lips, and lights the match by swiping it inside the tube against an unknown material, lifting out the flame and rolling the cigars tip inside it, lighting it. He drops the match into the snow, extinguishing it with a small hiss as he looks down at Liquid, breathing out a plume of wisping, silver smoke in triumph.

Lynch [Bluntly]: ..Game over.

Snake: If he’s dead, that means--

Meryl: ..Don’t say it, Snake.

Snake: What happened to the air raid? …No stealth bombers in sight.
Snake sighs, lowering his head and scrambling out his right arm, pressing his fingers to his ear as he answers a Codec call. Fabien slowly gets to his feet, dusting off his black combat vest free from snow. The mercenaries are all now on their feet, even Maurice, and start to gather near the edge of the island, deep in conversation. Lynch walks over to Fabien, intent on saying something.

Lynch: Hey, Frenchy.

Fabien raises his head, looking at Lynch.

Lynch [Smiling slightly]: Thanks.

Fabien gives a small, honest smile.

Fabien [Thankful]: Thank you..

Fabien dusts his uniform free from snow, shaking his head rapidly to dust it off. He stands there, stretching his legs with the small smile across his face.
Fabien: where we part, my friends!

Lynch [extending a hand]: Take care of yourself, Frenchy, and keep busy.

Fabien: Oui!

Fabien extends a gloved hand, shaking Lynchs excitedly. Lynch smirks, pulling back his hand and pointing at his chest.

Lynch [Tapping his chest]: I’ll wait for that rematch.

Fabien walks over to the edge of the island, looking down at the inflatable dingy. He turns back to Lynch, giving a small salute.

Fabien [calling out excitedly]: I HOPE TO MEET YOU AGAIN, LYNCH!!

Fabien hops over the edge of the island, sliding down the icy rock and landing softly into the Dingy. Sal, Phil and Brick look over the edge of the water, watching as Fabien pulls the drawstring on the edge, firing it up weakly before skidding off across the waves on the icy water.

Sal: There goes one..crazy..motherfucker.

Frank: We should probably follow him..

Steve [His heart pounding roughly]: Only a few seconds now..

The mercenaries turn around to face Lynch, who stands at attention, cigar smouldering between his lips.

Lynch: Men….[Lynch cracks a small smile] Let’s go home.

Snake pulls himself free from the jeep, extending a hand to Meryl who grasps it, pulling herself free with his help. Snake looks down at Liquids lifeless body, and then at Lynch, letting go of Meryls hand and walking over to Lynch, slapping a hand on his chiseled shoulder. Lynch turns around, surprised.

Lynch: Yeah?

Snake: ..You..I don’t know your name…but….thanks.

Dean [Patronizingly]: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww..

Brick: Aw shucks, all shy now!

Ivan: Ve have melted ze steely heart of Solid Snake!

Snake snorts, begrudgingly extending a hand which Lynch quickly snatches, giving it a quick shake.

Lynch: Snake, my name is Marcus Lynch, and if you are ever in the need for a team of undercover mercenaries looking to save the good guy while pissing off the bad guys..Look no further.

Snake turns his head right to the lowrider, where Phil, Johan, Stoofer, Bobby, Jericho and Bill are rummaging through the stack, grinning in glee as they handle the bricks of money wrapped uniformly in white bands.

Lynch [Quickly]: If you can pay up.

Snake nods, patting his chest.

Snake: Colonel has a helicopter on Fox island. I suppose I could get it to ferry your boys back to America.

Frank: We have our own transport..

Snake nods at Frank before facing Lynch.

Snake: Goodbye, Marcus Lynch.

Snake turns around, walking forward and onto the road. Meryl jogs beside him, and both of them turn left, heading east down the road. Their path takes them across the road, and back onto the snow. The mercenaries turn, watching as they disappear down a small mountain path, winding out of sight below them and into craggy rock-faces of Shadow Moses Island.

Mr. Dibbley: …I am so in the mood for a cup of tea. It’s bloody freezing!

Steve: Any second now..

Will [Noticing something]: Hey, Steve, why aren’t you all retarded?

Karab: Mentally damaged, asshole.

Will: …What Paki said.

Karab [Angrily]: I’m Indian, you idiot!!

Steve: …Well, I wish I could answer, but I can’t. Honestly.

That Other Random Guy: Maybe you get mental damage on a later mission?

Steve: Oi vey..

Dave: Hey, that’s my line!

The mercenaries let out a small laugh.

Frank [Excited]: LOOK! THERE THEY ARE!

Frank turns, pointing to the North-East across a large snowfield which cuts from the bottom of Shadow Moses Island towards the horizon towards where Fox island lay. The sun slowly rises more from its slumber, sending dazzling orange rays across the white snow. The mercenaries hold their arms over their eyes and watch as they see the form a snowmobile zoom into the distance, scattering a small cloud of snow as it does. The mercenaries watch as Meryls silhouette holds onto Snakes tightly.

Lynch: The world lives to fight another day!

Will: In all honesty though, we know it would.


Bob: But the sad thing is, we know what happens next..

That Hispanic Guy: So we fight the bad guys! Again and again!

Bill: It’s what we do best! It’s what we know best!

Frank: Then we will! And we will kick ass and take names!

Phil: I find assigning numbers easier. Our body count must be in the millions..

Obese Maurice: I love being with ya lads..We’ve proven ahselves to be a strong unit unlike those pansy-asses!

Johan: We fight as unit. We work as unit. We win as unit.

Dean: Simple

Vince: As

Billy: That.

Sal: We’re winners. We know it.

Jericho: Of course we do!

Lynch: And when the future comes, we’ll take it on. We will survive. We will live. Men, we already accomplished this mission. Be proud of yourselves, and bask in the glory..

Mercenaries: HOO-RAH!!!!

Lynch: ..We’ll find a catchphrase soon.

A blue haze descends across the mercenaries and the snow below them. Johan, Stoofer and Bobby stroll over to the black lowrider, squatting down and grasping the wheels, raising it high above their heads and turning around, slowly walking forward. The mercenaries look upwards as a small blue hole, swirling with the fabric made from an unknown God, starts to widen.

Sal: Remember Brick, no wrong turns at Albuquerque.

The mercenaries let loose their final laugh upon the island of Shadow Moses.

Frank [grinning]: Let’s go home guys!

The portal slowly starts to descend.


Dean looks up

Dean: What the fuck?!
Portal: MAH BELLY!!
Moe: That’s fucking weird..

The portal swiftly descends, swallowing the mercenaries and their lowrider in an instant, closing tightly shut with a swift crackle in the air.

Outskirts of Egypt
The images cease. The feeling of a weightless euphoria subsides. Their eyes re-focus. The portal rips open in the middle of Beale Street, directly outside the Lamb and Flag. Dick, the faithful bartender, runs out, whistling shrilly into the hot afternoon air.


Al quickly dashes out of the Half Moon, and Jon quickly rushes out of the Dog and Handgun, having taken care of it alone since Brick left. Tavi, Courtney, Screaming Mantis, Crying Wolf, Laughing Octopus and Raging Raven dash from the North, skidding to a halt across the rough sand in bare feet, having pulled on clothes roughly just to see witness the spectacle. A crowd of several unknown mercenaries have also gathered in nearby alleyways just to watch the odd spectacle unfold before them.

Laughing Octopus [Nervous]: ..Did they win?

A silence rolls through the air in Beale Street, punctuated by quiet screaming which slowly gets louder. Frank hits the sand with a sickening crash and slowly gets to his feet, dusting himself off and hobbling weakly to his feet. Despite the sheer pain the months have inflicted, a large grin chisels into his face.

Frank: The world expects that every man do his duty. [Ecstatically] WE FULFILLED OUR DUTY!!

A huge roar of cheering hits the air like a battering ram as mercenaries, friends and bartenders alike start to cheer, whoop and holler. Frank slowly walks forward, arms widened. Screaming Mantis runs forward, jumping up and landing in his arms. He quickly tightens them around her, placing his head against hers. There are no tears, just an overwhelming of relief.

Frank [Breathing calmly]: We won.

Lynch flies out of the portal next, causing the unknown gathering mercenaries to cheer even louder. Lynch turns to them, giving a swift salute and walking over to them, managing to avoid the incoming form of Sal, who lands on his feet and stomps up and down, flailing his arms manically.


Next, Phil lands onto the sands on his knees, grasping handfuls of sand and throwing them joyously into the air.


He gets to his feet, thrusting his arm forwards in victory.


Jericho crashes to the floor, without his famous trenchcoat, and rolls across the sand, getting to his feet with his arm around Phil.

Jericho: We lived.

Steve is next, landing on his feet and rushing over to Phil, placing a hand on his head.


Phil: [Wrapping an arm around Steve, grinning] That’s the Steve I love!

Brick shoots out of the portal and rolling across the sand, scrambling to his feet and charging at Jon.

Brick [excitedly]: HUNKER DOWN!!!

Jon screams as Brick tackles him to the floor, hugging his legs tightly.


Jon: Fucking hell, Brick, their still in the bar!!

Bob hits the sand on his feet, stumbling and hobbling slightly, only to be sent backwards as Laughing Octopus rushes forward, clasping her arms tightly around his shoulders.

Bob: Hey!

Octopus [Almost in tears]: BOBBY! I MISSED YOU! MISSED YOU!

Bill hits the sand next, turning to Bob and shrugging.

Bill: Damn crazy fool.

Bill turns to Dick, opening his arms and rushing over, hugging him tightly and kissing him on the cheek.

Bill [Breaking into an actual grin]: My seat?? You have my seat???!

Dick: Get in and get drinking, dammit!!

Dick slaps the back of Bills head who cries out violently in excitement, rushing forward and shoving the doors open. Billy hits the sands with a swift crunch, hitting his feet and walking over to Sal, clasping a hand on his shoulder.

Billy: Mansion.

Vinces hand slaps on Sals other shoulder.

Vince: Home.

Sal looks over his shoulders at both of them, smirking.

Sal: Alright lads, we’ve got trek over to the Suez, though.

Vince: Dammit, but these pants itch!

Billy: Who cares when we have all sorts of expensive liquor and pizza shipped by private jet?!

Sal, Billy and Vince turn around, heading South down Beale Street, past Bob and Octopus who rush forward, hand in hand. Bob turns his head to Phil, grinning.


They rush off past them and up the street. Dave hits the sands next, rolling across them and shaking his long blonde hair, getting to his feet and snapping his fingers.

Dave: …I LIVE!!!

Robbie hits the sand behind Dave, grasping his waist and pulling himself up, wrapping his arm around his neck and raising his right fist in the air.


Dave [turning to Robbie]: Let’s go home, crack open a few beers, and celebrate.

Robbie: Let’s go to the Lamb and Flag instead!

Both Robbie and Dave shake eachother excitedly, walking towards Dick who lunges forward, hugging both of them.

Dick [almost in tears]: I never..ever thought..i’d be happy to see you psychos again…But I am…

Dave [Unphased, but with a touch of emotion in his voice]: Thanks Dick..

Maurice: DICK!!!

Dick pats the heads of Robbie and Dave as they walk past him. Robbie stops before the doors, opening his breast pocket and pulling out the small wolf pup, which yawns quietly and opens its golden eyes. Robbie almost breaks into tears, yelling out in triumph as him and Dave walk into the bar . Maurice slams into the sand, sending a violent spray of it forward as he scrambles clumsily onto his feet, jogging over and wrapping his thick arms around Dick, laughing happily and lifting him into the air.

Dick [Happily]: MAUR!! YOU LIVE!!


Dick: It’s all yours, friend.

Moe now appears, jumping out of the portal and onto the sands, rolling across them and turning around to Dick, giving a small salute.

Moe: Duty done!

Dick: Welcome back, Moe!

Moe grins, running forward and ducking between Dicks legs, scampering into the bar.

Dean [cheering]: HOME!!!

Dean zips out of the portal, landing on his feet and running up the street, arms raised. Karab also hits the sands, following Dean with his shield raised high.

Karab: Quick sir, fire up the lamb!


Dean and Karab run into the distance as Will lands on his feet outside the portal, standing up straight. Raven gives a girlish squeal, running up to him and jumping into his arms.



Will: I missed my little honeybear so much! I did, I did!

Raven [Purring, running a hand across his chest seductively]: Nice to see my battle-scarred strong man come home..

Will: Then let’s go home..shall we?

Raven hops down from his body, grabbing his hands and laughing, pulling him up the street towards their house. Bob and Octopus walk forward, but quickly stop as That Random Guy hits his knees into the sand, raising his arms.

That Random Guy: Yes..IT’S ME! Stop the cheering..It’s me!

He looks up, screaming as That Other Random Guy flies out of the portal, landing on him.

That Other Random Guy: That doesn’t help my wounds!!

That Random Guy: Get off me, dammit!

Ivan: MOVE!!

The two ‘Guys’ scream and roll forward as Ivan thunders out of the portal, hitting the sand and dashing forward, jumping onto Jerichos back and raising his right arm.

Ivan [Cackling]: YESSS!! I AM BACK!!

Steve: Oh man, crazy Ivan!!


That Random Guy: Oh man, we had to bring him back, didn’t we?

That Other Random Guy: I was all for leaving him in the frozen tundra.

Dick: Oi, *beep*, *beep*, Pubs open, what are you both waiting for?!

That Random Guy and That Other Random Guy look at Dick, then at eachother, then at Dick again.

Both [ecstatically]: DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!!!

Both men dash forward, hurtling through the doors of the Lamb and Flag. Mr. Dibbley now hits the sands on his belly, quickly getting onto his feet and dusting himself off with his flippers.

Mr. Dibbley: Charming.

Mr. Dibbley, having no home, simply turns to the Lamb and Flag, waving a flipper. Dick laughs, raising an eyebrow and waving back.

Mr. Dibbley: I’ll have a pint of Pernod!

Dick: Then get in the pub, my strange friend!

A screeching sound fills the air as the black lowrider tumbles out of the portal, landing on its wheels with a swift crash. Inside the lowrider are Johan, Stoofer, Bobby and That Hispanic Guy, grinning at everyone.

That Hispanic Guy: Si! We are..BACK!

Johan: about to pick up again!

That Hispanic Guy honks the horn, playing a squeaky rendition of “Spanish Flea” as he drives forward slowly up Beale Street. Phil, Ivan, Jericho and Steve start to forward, following the lowrider. Halfway up the street, though, Wolf stands in Phils way.
Wolf: Congratulations..
Phil looks at her and nods slightly
Phil: Yeah.
Wolf: Is that it? “Yeah”?
Phil: What am I supposed to say?
Wolf: Uhh..its good to be back?
Phil: I’m glad to be home.
Wolf: I’m glad you are too.
Phil: Yeah, sure. C’mon Jerry.

Wolf [Angrily]: DAMMIT PHIL! FUCK YOU!

Phil waves her off, and Wolf growls venomously, her right eye twitching.

Wolf [Scathingly]: THIS ISN’T OVER!

Jericho, Phil, Ivan and Steve ignore Wolfs cursing, choosing to continue walking up the street.

Jericho: That was way too long, lads. Way too long.

Steve: I love lamp.

Phil: That’s my boy.

Ivan: Vell, men…ve’re back home.

Phil: Look at it..

Phil looks down the street: Sandblasted houses with the odd shell crater from UAVs deploying missiles into the street. Smoke billows out from unseen buildings on the pale blue horizon, and the watery sunlight kisses their aching necks as it beams down mercilessly. An iguana steps off the pavement and onto the tarmac road now strewn and camouflaged by sand, only to spontaneously combust from the heat and collapse into a pile of ash.

Phil: You’ll never beat that.

Jericho: That’s one thing we can both agree on.

They continue walking on towards the horizon. They stop halfway up the street, turning right and up a set of three concrete steps, opening the door to a tiny, one-floor house and filing in, slamming the door shut. Lynch himself turns and looks up the street, grinning., clutching a cellphone to his ear. His mercenary groupies are still behind him, cheering amongst themselves. Lynch watches as the portal slowly seals shut with a small crackle in the hot air, and he gives a final sigh.

Lynch: ..About fucking time.

Ocelots Voice: Marcus Lynch, remember Shadow Moses?

Lynch: Why yes, Ocelot, why?

Ocelots Voice: It’s been a long time since we met up! I think me and your mercenaries should get together for that drink!

Lynch simply smirks.

Lynch: Sure. Why not?

Lynch hangs up on his cellphone and slips it into his pocket, shrugging. Frank walks over to Lynch, smiling, and clasps a hand on his shoulder while Screaming Mantis hugs his arm.

Frank: Who was that, buddy?!

Lynch: No-one. Just a person wishing us the best.

Frank: Lynch..say it.

Lynch: Say what?

Mercenary One: Go on boss, you know you wanna!

Mercenary Two: Do it, Lynch!

Lynch: ….Mission accomplished.

Lynch simply pats Franks shoulder, as both men stare at the setting sun. An orange glow bathes the ragtag street of erected buildings and tarmac they had created and christened “Beale Street”. To the mercenaries following the months of fighting for a crazed terrorist leader bent on taking revenge on the world, no sweeter name rang on their tongues that night than that one simple word:



Dear readers,

Thank you, every single last one of you, for visiting my blog. It may not be the best, it may be cringeworthy, and it may not be worthy for TV Tropes MGS Fanfiction page (Thank you to whoever put it there, though. A major thank you, and i'd appreciate whoever did it comment and say so.) but it's random, it's crazy, it's positively insane, and i'd like to think i've made at least some of you laugh.

I have been watching Stats and Google Analytics, and this blog has reached over 30 countries. 1 or 2 people in most..but 30 countries is amazing, no matter if its a tiny percentage of the population visiting.

This Arc has finally finished, after over one year in the making, but, to make a cheesy MGS reference, "The Best Is Yet To Come". I'd like to thank you all for being a part of it by sticking through it, whether through thick or thin.

Please be sure to leave comments on whichever story you visit, whether you love it, hate it, it's So Bad It's Horrible, or So Bad It's Good, just holla at me. If you want the lowdown on the blog, head over to for the latest news and updates.

Once again: Thank you all. After next weeks Christmas Special, A brief hiatus will occur for a month..but after that? Well, in the words of Al Bundy.. "Let's Rock."

1 comment:

  1. XD!!I loved this one..favorite scene was the dancing part..REALLY wasn't expecting that..then again,I should because it's from you babe :P

    As always,well done!:D