Sunday, 5 December 2010

Chapter XV - Penultimate Peril

We return to our huddle of mercenaries, so far away from home, standing at the foot of REX: A bipedal robotic killing machine, stored miles deep underneath the iced surface of Shadow Moses Island in the Fox Archipelago, just steps away from launching a nuclear missile onto American soil. The mercenaries stand there, looking up, half in awe, half in complete and utter fear.

Lynch: Let’s move.

The mercenaries remain silent and frozen to their respective spots.

Lynch: I said..move.

The mercenaries ignore the order, still looking up.

Lynch: What are you all looking at?

Sal: Is it a bird?

Vince: Is it a plane?

Phil: Are you people idiots? It’s clearly Johan clutching a nuclear warhead in his arms.


Phil [Worried]: Oh. That’s not good, is it?

Johans Voice: CATCH!!

A whistle fills the air and the mercenaries scream, scrambling around on the catwalk. Dean and Karab run into eachother. Phil runs forward, only to forward flip over the railing and scream as he falls into the moat of nuclear waste-contaminated water. Ivan looks up, licking his lips and holding out his arms.


A block of unattractive, boring metal falls from the sky and Will leaps up, leapfrogging over Ivan and holding his arms out, catching the warhead.


Will screams and falls into the moat of waste-contaminated water.


Phil [Angrily]: It’s me, you fucking turd!

Will [Disgusted, laughing]: QUIET, YOU SMELL DEAD!

Phil claws his hands up onto the metal floor, hoisting himself up and rolling himself under the railing. A half-rotten hand is clasped onto his shoulder, scraps of green-tinted flesh melting from the bone and slopping onto the floor. Phil stands up, looking at the hand.

Phil: …There is a rotten hand on my shoulder.

Will pulls himself up, climbing behind the railing and vaulting over it.

Will [Cockily]: Phil, you and that hand could pass off for one another!

Phil: So could that head latched to your knob!

Will looks down at his groin: A disembodied head, little more than a green-tinted skull with strands of hair poking from the scalp and scraps of decomposed flesh around the cheek and jaw, is hanging from his belt. Will looks down at it and screams loudly.


Lynch: Hold still!

Lynch grasps the pipe Will used earlier to poke the body and wields it like a bat, closing one eye.

Lynch: You may feel a slight stinging sensation, which is quite alright because I’m going to nail your cock with a metal pipe.


Lynch violently swings the pipe and it smashes violently into the skull, causing it to explode in a shower of brains, rotten flesh and mucus. The mercenaries scream out as the gory splatter covers most of them, while Will screams as the brunt of the pipe is slammed into his groin. Karab ducks under his shield before looking up after it finishes.

Karab [Triumphantly]: THE COWARD WINS AGAIN!

Karab turns to the mercenaries, grinning and raising his shield arm, letting out an Urdu war cry. Lynch responds by leaning down, scooping up a handful of black brain matter and slapping it onto Karabs head.

Lynch: There you go.

Karab stands still, his left eye twitching in horror as a scrap of flesh falls down his face, leaving a black smear. He doubles over and vomits violently, slapping his hair.

Karab [Retching, Screaming violently]: GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!

That Other Random Guy: Hey, I’ve got a spare eye!

That Other Random Guy plucks off an entire eyeball from the chest of his fatigues, looking at it.

That Other Random Guy: This’ll go wonders with my scrap of Vulcan Raven flesh!

Mr. Dibbley waddles past with a human tongue lolling out of his mouth.

That Other Random Guy [bluntly]: And yet the penguin disgusts me more.

He nods and vomits noisily onto the floor. Lynch watches them, arms folded and laughing. Ivan grabs the second eyeball from his ammo belt and looks at it, lifting up his eyepatch and looking around shiftily. He looks at Sal whose eyeing him with a disgusted look on his face,

Sal [Disgusted]: Don’t. Just..don’t.

Ivan drops the eyeball onto the floor with a soft squelch, pulling a small, clear bag out of his eyesocket instead with a soft pop. Sal turns around and vomits onto the floor.

Sal [Retching]: W-WHAT THE FUCK?!

Ivan pulls apart the bag, slipping it open and pulling out a small vial of clear liquid. He pops off the lid and downs the liquid before slipping it into the bag and pushing it into his gaping eyesocket, lowering his eyepatch.

Ivan: I needed ze medication..syringe is out.

Jericho: Ah fuck, really?

Ivan: Zese surroundings are FUCKING STRESSING ME!!

Phil: Chillax, Russki. We’re all friends here.

Will is on his knees, sobbing hysterically as Lynch grins, spinning the pipe in his hand.

Lynch [Pleased]: I did good.

A squeaking sound becomes audible, and the mercenaries stop their vomit-fuelled rage and look around.

Robbie: What the hell?

Bob: It wasn’t me, I swear.

Lynch looks up, quickly jogging forward and turning around: Descending in front of REX is a large wooden platform, at least a metre across, and attached to a rusted pulley, to which a loop of taut metal cable is attached to from the ceiling. Johan is on the platform, wheeling himself down by pulling the cable upwards roughly. He stops, hanging just below the cockpit and widens his arms.

Johan [Yelling]: WELCOME TO HELL!!

Ominous music. A bolt of lightning cracks the air.

Johan: *Beep*, Control the piece of cable you fool!

The mercenaries look up and to the left: On a catwalk high above them, That Random Guy is screaming, being chased by a loose live wire.

Johan: La rosa muerte has arrived!

The mercenaries remain silent.

Dave: “The Red Death”?


Phil: No!

Frank: Sounds good to me!

Will [In pain, voice squeaking]: Why did you throw a fucking warhead you fucking lawn-tending border-hopper?!?!

Johans eyes glint evilly and he stares down at Will. Will looks up at Johan, still on his knees.

Lynch: Well, Will has just committed the most effective form of suicide known to man.

Bob: That’d be?

Lynch: Insulting a Mexican.

Johan starts pulling the wire harder until the platform reaches the railing. Will screams and runs forward, but Johan jumps off the platform and runs after him. Just as Will runs through the thin coridoor behind them and reaches the door. Johan lunges forward, wrapping a thick right arm around his waist and tackling him to the ground. The mercenaries turn around, crowding around the entrance of the coridoor to watch.



A vicious chant of “You’re gonna get your head kicked in” starts to ring around the crowd of mercenaries. Phil, Jericho and Ivan, however, stroll backwards and run over to the platform, hopping onto it and looking at the crowd.


All three men grab the right side of the looped cable and start pulling down as hard as they can, the platform squeaking as it rises slowly and shakily. Johan stands up, slamming Will into the wall with his shoulder in his chest before turning around, noticing the rising platform.


Jericho: What’d he say?

Ivan: Someving about boss..

Phil: Hugo Boss? Aftershave?

Ivan: Nope..

Jericho [Shrugging]: Eh, keep pulling lads!

The platform keeps rising slowly. Johan shrugs, turning back around. Will swings a fist and it hards Johan in his muscular side, leaving nothing but a slight ripple of muscle. Johan grins, flexing his chest and biceps. Will quickly kicks him in the right side, but Johan brings down his right arm, trapping his leg.

Will: Poo.

Johan lifts Will up by his leg, dangling him a few feet off the air before twisting right, turning in an almost-complete circle and smashing his back and head violently off the left wall. Will crumbles down the wall and into a foetal heap, clutching his head in his arms.

Frank: And the winner, not Will!

A huge cheer roars up from the crowd. Johan walks through the crowd, only for Brick and Billy to duck under his legs, lifting him on their shoulders. Johan grins, raising his arms.


Meanwhile, the pulley has slid its way fully upwards. It grinds to a halt between two catwalks: One heading south, over the moat of waste water surrounding the platform which REX stands upon, and the one in front of them, heading east towards the cockpit of REX, shadowed over by the circular Radome. Phil pulls a camera from out of the pockets of his fatigues, steadying it and taking a picture before rolling the film forward.

Phil [Giddily]: I got me a picture!

Ivan: Vell, I vas hoping they had a giftshop myself, but stop FUCKING AROUND!

Phil steps off the pulley, placing a foot on the top of the railing and hopping over it onto the catwalk, slipping the previously-unseen camera into his pocket.

Phil: Charming man.

Jericho and Ivan both vault over the railing. Ivan grasps the cable of the pully, giving it a quick tug and causing it to swing violently downwards towards the ground. Johan quickly hops off the shoulders of the mercenaries, dashing forward and catching it.

Frank: So…up?

Johan turns to him, nodding.

Johan [Bluntly]: Up.

Frank and Lynch walk forward, grasping the edge of the platform and hoisting themselves up. Sal rushes forward, grasping the edge and keeping a tight hold.

Sal [Panicky]: I’M YOUR RIGHT HAND MAN!!

Lynch glares down at him, folding his arms.

Lynch [Rolling his eyes]: We need someone to pull anyway.

Sal [excited]: SEE? I’M IMPORTANT!

Sal giddily grab the metal cable, pulling it before letting go.


Lynch: Pull or I will use your testicles as castanets.

Sal: Kinky bas--

Lynch pulls back a fist and Sal screams, pulling violently on the rope and causing the platform to rise shakily.

Ivan: Lovely place, vight? Bevare, the boss is probably watching..

They look diagonally across the catwalk to the left: A hulking control room is situated opposite REX, emitting a dull blue glow from the multitude of screens and computer consoles, hidden behind bulletproof glass. Neither Ocelot nor Liquid can be seen from here.

Jericho [Sarcastically]: Suuuuureee..

Phil looks at it, a loud click being heard. Ivan turns his head to Phil, his lone eye in his skull flashing at him.

Ivan [Venomously]: ..Did you just take a picture?

Phil: No,,,it neck, yeah!

Phil cricks his neck, two tiny pops being heard.

Phil: See? Neck!



The platform rises up once more, locking in level between the catwalks. Lynch, Sal and Frank grasp the railing, vaulting over it and looking around.

Lynch: Well, this is it. Close to home.


Lynch looks down over the railing at the rest of the mercenaries.

Lynch: Oops.

Lynch smirks and spits down over the railing. A small splat rings through the air.


Lynch: ..You sick motherfucker. Look, someone man the pully and help those lower lifeforms up!

Frank spits at the pullys cable, causing it squeak and unravel, hurtling down towards the floor. Dean screams as his head is smashed into by the platform, causing him to collapse and, luckily, for the platform to stop. Dave and Robbie step onto Deans chest, climbing onto the platform and folding their arms.

Dave: Someone transport us! I DEMAND IT!

Karab takes off his left boot and hurls it at them. Dave flinches and ducks, turning to Karab.


Karab [Defiantly]: I’m not your slave!

Dave: Asshole. He’s gone and gained a sense of purpose. He’s useless now!

Robbie [Bluntly, Glaring at Dave]: Don’t look at me. I ain’t pulling.

Johan strolls over, grasping the cable and climbing onto the platform.

Johan: Going up.

Dave and Robbie look up at him.

Dave [Timidly]: Hello..

Daves brain: Don’t make a condescending remark. He might eat you.

Johan: Dave, did you say something?

Dave [quickly]: I ain’t sayin nothin’

As the three mercenaries ascend up the robot, Phil strolls across the catwalk, passing under the window of the control room and looking around the angular catwalks: Blank metal and concrete flooded the walls and ceilings, making the place seem even more like a prison.

Phil: Interior decorators died here. You can tell.

He sighs, his breath echoing around the cavernous walls. Another sigh is heard opposite him, echoing around the walls in an identical manner. Phil turns to the right, looking up the catwalk which was on the far northern wall, the same he was on: At the end, Steve was leaning with his head on the wall, looking less like his 2014 hyperactive self by the minute, and more like a tortured, tired soul.

Phil [Excited]: HEY! STEVE! STEVE!

Steve turns to Phil, cracking a broad grin and stamping his feet giddily.

Steve [Twice as excited]: PHIIIIIIIIIIIL!!


Phil and Steve run towards eachother, lowering their heads and smashing the tops of their heads together. Both men collapse backwards onto the catwalk, groaning.

Steve [Groaning in pain]: We need a different bromantic greeting..

Sal, having decided to explore these temporary, mechanical surroundings, walks to the end of the catwalk, turning to them.

Sal: Bromance? BROMANCE?

Phil: Yep. Bros before hos!



Sal remains silent. Vince, from seemingly out of nowhere, peers around the corner of the catwalk, peeping out from behind the propped railgun of REX at Sal, vicious rope-burn marks on his hands as he points at Sal, laughing maniacally.


Sal: Fuck you! It was a tough time for the family and we needed the money!

Vince falls silent.

Vince [Dumbstruck]: Wow.

Sal [Insanely]: SO?! LOOK AT ME NOW! I’M RICH! RICH!

Mr. Dibbley walks out from behind of Vince, stopping at the right angle of the catwalk and turning to Sal, pulling his goggles up from around his eyes and glaring at Sal.

Mr. Dibbley: Also incredibly insane.

Bill: What penguin dude said.

Sal turns his head and looks up: Bill is sitting on top of the railgun of REX, waving.


Bill [Bluntly]: We already did.

The mercenaries laugh loudly and Sal stomps his foot down, folding his arms.

Sal [Angrily]: FUCK OFF!!

Bill [Laughing]: Awwww..we upset his feelings! How cute!

Sal stomps past Steve and Phil, cursing loudly.

Sal [cursing to himself]: Lousy fucking bastard cuntfaces twats bastards fuckers twats..

As he stomps along the catwalk, heading north to no particular direction, a whip snaps out from a separate catwalk to his right. He screams and turns around as a Hispanic man, with deeply tanned skin and a black handlebar moustache with neck-length hair slicked behind his head, wearing a beige suit, white shirt and black tie and carrying a long leather bullwhip in his right hand, jumps out in front of him.

That Hispanic Guy: HOLA BITCHES!! I AM..HERE!!

Phil turns around, nodding.

Phil: Sup?

Sal [Unimpressed]:’s you!

That Hispanic Guy: You’re surprise truly warms my heart!


Frank runs up the catwalk, arms spread. That Hispanic Guys arms droop slightly.

That Hispanic Guy: Well, better the drunken puta than no-one.

Frank: I’m not drunk!......yet.

Phil: So, *beep*, how are things?

That Hispanic Guy rubs his eyes melodramatically

That Hispanic Guy : Si, they have been awful. Artificial lighting, no hot babes, no booze, and the company of four men whom love to eat beans. I have been having the worst career choice so far.

Lynch: What about the pay?

That Hispanic Guy shrugs.

That Hispanic Guy: Says we’ll get it when REX goes active.

Phil [Confused, Slightly Angry]: Didn’t Ocelot say he’d pay us when we reached here? In fact, didn’t he say he was going to trek back here and return WITH some cash?


Mr. Dibbley: Let’s give him a fucking spanking.

The mercenaries turns to Dibbley.

Bill: That sounds like you want to indulge in some erotic contact with shut up.

Mr. Dibbley: Maybe so, but back in England, that translates to grabbing Ocelot and giving him twenty of the best!

Dibbley throws a few punches and slaps to the air with his flappers, chortling merrily.

Sal: I agree with the psychotic penguin.

Dave, Robbie, Johan and Lynch turn the corner, noticing the group of mercenaries huddled on the catwalk and deciding to see what’s up. Billys hands grasp the railing near them, hauling himself up and vaulting over the railing, stretching his arms.

Billy [Pumping his arms]: Nothin’ like getting a good pull-up regime goin’…What’s going on?

Mr. Dibbley: I say it’s time we got our pay!

Johan stops, cracking his knuckles and growling.

Johan [Bitterly]: …I know..we still have not gotten payment.

Dave: Let’s go fucking do him in and take our pay!

Robbie cracks his knuckles and nods at Dave.

Robbie: I propose I go.

Lynch [In a determined, psychotic tone]: Shut the fuck up, little one, I’M going to go see this fool about our pay!

Billy [Excitedly]: KICK HIS TEETH IN!

The mercenaries let loose a loud roar as Lynch spins around, stomping past Johan, Robbie and Dave At the end of the catwalk, he turns left, walks forward a few steps and runs right up a set of metal stairs: A metal blast door stands before him, and he slams a balled fist into it.

Ocelot [Timidly]: …..Whooo is it?

Lynch [Venomously]: Some angry fucking mercenaries!

Silence from inside the control room.

Ocelot [Timidly]: ..Who is it?

Lynch takes a few steps back, lashing the sole of his foot out with such vengeful anger that it dents into the door.

Ocelot: …We’re not in!

Stoofer [calmly]: Step aside.

The giant form of Stoofer, with his pencil thin moustache, thick trunk-like arms and shoulder length jet black hair glistening from oil, walks forward, bellowing loudly and thrusting a kick at the door. Brick appears to the side of Stoofer and Lynch, holding a broken bottle.

Brick: Am I late to the party?!

Stoofer [Hurling vicious kicks at the door]: NOT! YET!

Stoofer keeps throwing vicious kicks at the door, denting it each time. Under this pressure, it quickly slides open and Ocelot is standing behind a control panel erected in the middle of the room. To the left stands an angled desk with three laptops situated on it, behind them sitting three elevated cuboid shapes, representing a possible input mechanism of some sort. Lynch walks into the room, looking right at a black map of the world which has several glowing orange lines scarred across it.

Lynch: That looks gay--

Lynch turns, pointing at Ocelot.

Lynch [Angrily]: AND SO DO YOU!!

Ocelot backs away slightly as Lynch and Stoofer walk in, but a figure steps in from the right, folding his arms and staring at Lynch, flicking his shoulder length blonde hair aside, his brown trenchcoat flowing from the air conditioning.

Liquid: Who the fuck is this?

Lynch: I’m your worst fucking nightmare, sunshine: An unpaid mercenary. I recommend you pony up the cash and pay me and my men.

Frank stands in the doorway timidly.

Frank [Timidly]: ..please?

Lynch tuts, grinding his teeth.

Liquid: You mean, the men who have disobeyed my orders, refused to co-operate, destroyed several cameras and, if it wasn’t for the fact their leader is clearly so fucking retarded as to stand here before me, I would have them all shot?

Lynch: That’s us. And please, call me retarded again.

Liquid: You. Are. Retard--

Lynch flings his head forward, headbutting Liquid in the nose and teeth. Ocelot yelps and Liquid stumbles back, clutching his mouth.

Liquid [In disbelief]: YOU…YOU DEFY ME?!

Lynch: Pay up or I’ll put a fucking bullet between your eyes. Capiche?

Liquid [In a venomous, spitting voice]: If you do that agai--

Lynch: You’ll what? Shoot us? SAY HELLO TO MY ARMY, MOTHERFUCKER!!

Liquid blinks and looks out of the Control Room window. The mercenaries are standing in a huddle outside the set of stairs. Upon seeing Liquids gaze, they smile and wave cheerfully with both arms.

Sal: Can I have your autograph?!

Vince [Putting on a bad Japanese accent]: Me rove you long time sordier boy!

Liquid turns to Lynch, cocking a thin eyebrow.

Liquid [Shrugging it off]: Well, you won’t get shot, luckily.

Franks head pokes hesitantly around the open doorway.

Frank: Sweet…..Why?

Liquid: Frank. Lynch. Meet REX.

Liquid waves his arm to the right. Lynch turns his head and looks out of the Control Rooms window where Liquid is signaling.

Lynch [sarcastically]: I never even saw that once.

Liquid: Well, Snake overheard me and Ocelot talking, about how it’s ready and how we input the PAL keys…except, Snake will do it for us.

Frank: …What?

Ocelot: Washington haven’t responded, so we’re going to show them we mean business, mercenaries.

Lynch: Is it violent business?

Ocelot: Launching a nuke does count as violent, yes.

Lynch: Where are we sending it?

Liquid: Lopnor, China.

Lynch narrows his eyes and turns to the map, walking over to it and leaning his head in. Despite the glowing lines, he can’t see a place labeled “Lopnor”

Lynch: It’s not even on here! Why launch it at China?!

Liquid: Well, Ocelot has a friend in Russia. We’d hate to launch it at Russia. Oh, and Ocelot was born there.

Ocelot waves his hands energetically, mouth agape in a dummy-like grin

Liquid: See?

Lynch: Alright, why are you launching it there and not at a place that deserves a nuclear explosion New York? Or Texas? Or Los fucking Angeles?

Liquid: How about..Arizona?

Lynch [Happily]: YEAH!

Frank [Quickly]: NO! NO NO NO!

Liquid: Oh, that sounds good, Frank Daniels. Arizona sounds great to bomb.

Frank [Scathingly]: Asshole.

Liquid: We bomb there because if we launch it at a major population center? The games over. At a nuclear test centre? It can be concealed from the public. Of course, China would know, so America would crap themselves about a Chinese retaliatory strike, so the leaders of both countries would have to have secret talks, where America would have to divulge in the existence of their secret nuclear weapons, which in turn would damage Americas and the Presidents reputation on the world stage. Also, it would mean countries such as China and India would run to US wanting Americas secret nuclear weapon with stacks of money, and thus it means the President will break and run to us.

Frank, Stoofer and Lynch stand blankly as he talks. Their eyes glaze over even more when Liquid finishes.

Liquid: Simple, right?

Lynch: So basically you want to launch a nuke at China, just to get the attention of China and its friends, so you can sell nukes to them which would make the President worry because it’s his own top-secret design?

Liquid: YES!

Stoofer: That is just about the single most goddamn retarded thing i’ve heard.

Liquid: One billion dollars and the DNA of Big Boss is retarded?

Lynch: Why don’t you launch a nuke at a center of population, wipe out a few major world cities, and then tell the Presidents of the countries that they’ll be next if they don’t fork over money?

Liquid: Because they might send bad men to kill us.

Lynch [bitter and sarcastic]: Oh, right, because threatening to launch a nuke at an undisclosed location isn’t going to have them mobilizing every single special forces they have.

Liquid: THANK YOU!


They stop for a moment, looking outside the window where Sal, Steve, Vince, Bill, Billy, Ivan and Jericho have pressed their hands and faces against the glass, eavesdropping on the conversation.

Liquid: SHOO!!

Ocelot grabs a mop from the corner and pokes it at the glass. The mercenaries don’t move.

Liquid: Mop them, Ocelot, while I tell their leader our ultra-top secret plans.

Lynch: Damn right.

Ocelot walks past them, wielding his mop like a club and walking out of the doorway. Sal, Steve, Vince, Bill, Ivan and Jericho scream, running away. Billy turns to face Ocelot, standing with his hands on his hips and growling.

Billy [Spitting]: Do not fuck with me.

Ocelot swings the handle of the mop at Billys side. Billy swings his arm down, elbowing it and snapping the handle in two. Ocelot holds the two snapped handles to his face, his eyes widening.

Ocelot: Fuck me.

Billy: I’ll pass.

Ocelot screams and turns around, bolting down the catwalk as Billy slowly walks after him, cracking his knuckles.

Liquid: ….Yeah, well, with the money they WILL give us because the plan is AWESOME--

Stoofer: Bullshit.

Liquid: ………Yeah. We’ll be able to fix the Genome soldiers. We’re also requesting the FoxDie vaccine with it. Y;know, those people who died, voided their bowels and stuff. We don’t want to die like that.

Lynch [Uncaring]: They voided their bowels?

Liquid: Not a pretty sight…but, yeah.

Frank: Wolf and Mantis weren’t infected, though.

Liquid: Well, Mantis wore a gasmask, Wolf took constant tranquilizers cause she was a crazy bitch, we don’t know. It might be experimental or something. All we know is it exists and we want a vaccine.

Lynch: Sounds good.

Liquid: Also, Ocelot told me Sergei Gurlukovich is interested in this technology. Russia wanting to regain its superpower status, so…yeah. Wouldn’t mind tagging with him and the men as under his control, since the Genome soldier brainwashing is starting to wear off since Mantis died..

Frank [quietly, to himself]: Well, that explains Fabien.

Liquid: You say something?

Frank: Nope!

Lynch: How it should be.

Sal walks into the control room, looking around.

Sal: Mr. Liquid, sir, where do we go if we want a pee-pee?

Liquid blinks.

Liquid: ..Just piss off the railing.


Sal walks out of the door.

Liquid: Seriously, where did you recruit your men?

Lynch: You’ll see soon.

Sal walks over to the southern-most edge of the railing, unzipping his fatigue pants and giving a deep sigh.

Sal: Ahhhhhh..


Will looks up, having stayed down at the bottom of the Lair as he scours through the nuclear waste run-off water surrounding REX.



Will screams, dancing as Sals urine goes down his shirt. He screams and dives out of the way, only for the tall, bald, goatee-donning form of Bobby to step forward, his forearm being caught in a stream of urine. He lifts the forearm to his nose, smells it, and looks up at Sal with an evil glare.

Bobby: I am going to fuck you up, pendejo.

Sal looks down, his grin fading.

Sal: ……Oh.

Bobby hops onto the platform and starts yanking at the metal cable that forms the pulley as hard and as fast as he could as Sal fumbles with his zipper. That Random Guy, his brown hair slicked back in a hairnet and wearing a powder-blue boiler suit, walks behind him and taps his shoulder. Sal quickly whips around.

Sal: Yes’m?

That Random Guy: Pissing on Johan? Not cool.

He quickly leans down and grasps Sals legs, pushing him up to the railing. Sal screams, linking his arms around the top of the railing as Johan keeps pulling.




Brick runs towards them, jumping up and twisting left, dropkicking That Random Guy in the back. That Random Guy collapses onto Sal, and both men scream, falling over the edge of the railing before landing with a sickening splash into the waste water moat surrounding REX.

Brick: GOTCHA!

Bobby reaches the top to see Brick getting to his feet. He growls and cracks his knuckles, stepping off the platform and climbing over the railing.

Bobby [calmly]: Redneck will have to do..

Brick screams as Bobby cracks his knuckles threateningly, advancing upon him. Brick turns around and runs, running straight past the Control Room window as Johan stomps after him. Ocelot, Liquid, Lynch and Frank watch.

Liquid: Wow. Well, he is the violent one.

Lynch: Their all violent.

He points at Robbie and Dave tied together at the ankle on top of the stubbed-nose-style cockpit of REX, as well as Jericho and Phil tied at the ankle trying to shove them over. Robbie aims a backhand at Jericho, who ducks and it instead hits Phil, who stumbles to the side, dragging Jericho with him.


Dave reaches into his pocket and pulls on his steel yarmulkeh cap, looking at both of them.

Dave: Time to teach Jew a lesson.

Phil: Dammit, Dave, Stop with the Judaism puns!


Dave runs at them, dragging Robbie along. Jericho and Phil jump to the right in unison and Robbie and Dave fall off the edge of the cockpit, jumping forward and smashing their kneecaps off the upper railing, doing a forward flip and slamming onto their backs on the metal catwalk. Phil and Jericho raise their arms in victory.


They both turn around and see Billy and Mr. Dibbley looking over them, tied together at the ankle and flipper.

Mr. Dibbley: Hello, my fellows.

Phil: Oh--

Jericho: --fuck.

Liquid shakes his head, turning back to Lynch.

Liquid: I don’t even want to know where you got them from.

He blinks as Phil and Jericho are thrown violently against the window with a deafening thud before they slide down the bulletproof glass.

Mr. Dibbleys Voice: WHO DARE TAKES US ON?!?!


Vinces Voice: He blackmailed me with porn!!

Liquid: There’s a penguin and an obese man out there. Great.

Lynch shrugs.

Lynch: Toxic waste does funny things to animals.

Liquid: So, an alliance with Gurlokovich’s forces, we have REX, and you guys..We’re digging in here and taking on the whole world.

Frank: …..What?

Liquid: Is there something wrong with that? We can launch a nuclear warhead invisible to any radar to anywhere on the planet from here. We’ve got a base full of spare nuclear warheads, and when we get the DNA and the money, the world will be ours, and we will be here, under Shadow Moses in…”Outer Heaven.”

Ominous music. Lightning cracks the air.


Brick runs past the room screaming as he’s being chased by Johan using a loose live wire as an electrical whip.

Liquid: ……So there. Once Snake enters the PAL keys into the correct laptops, guess what? We’ll be ready. I better start making preparations.

Liquid walks out of the room, his trenchcoat swaying ominously around his ankles as he does. Frank stands there, dumbfounded.

Frank: I always get saddled with the fucking nutters.

Frank walks over to the laptop on the far right, displaying the image of a yellow PAL key. Behind it, indented into the metal panel situated behind the laptops, is a glowing square with four flashing orange LEDs embedded within in it.

Frank: I’m guessing that means it’s armed?

The square lets out a vicious, whistling beep.


Ocelot: Yes. It does. Now get out of here, all of you.

Lynch and Frank turn around, growling lowly and walking out of the room. Stoofer simply stands in the same stoic position, his arms folded tightly. Ocelot walks over to him, tapping his shin with the toe of his foot.

Ocelot: Please move? Please?

Stoofer shakes his head slowly, looking down at Ocelot who gives a small sigh, walking past him and out of the room.

Ocelot: I’m going for a piss.

Stoofer [Calmly] : Come back with money or you’ll be shaking your dick with a detached hand.

Ocelot gulps, rubbing his collar nervously and jogging down the steps. Frank sighs, rubbing his eyes and turning around to the left, walking the opposite way of Lynch who walks to the far-right of the catwalk, looking down over the toxic-waste moat as he pulls out a cigar. Ivan and Jericho are leaning against the railing opposite the doorway, talking. Frank walks past them, heading past a large, brown girder erected proudly in the corner between the catwalks. That Other Random Guy is busy sitting in a recess of a girder, reading a book. As Frank walks past, his head snaps up.

That Other Random Guy: Yo, boss man!

Frank: Yeah…Nice to see you ran off after we made it to the caves.

That Other Random Guy: Had to help my compadres, boss! I only told Liquid I was going for a shit!

Frank [Quietly]: Bastard..

Frank continues walking north. Maurice is busy leaning against a railing, holding a chicken drumstick and watching as Frank walks by.

Maurice: Ya look sick, kiddo.

Frank: Maybe I am.

Maurice nods, looking down at Moe who is sitting beside him, his tiny legs hanging down from the railing.

Moe: He just misses home, and so do I! I need booze, Maur!

Maurice: Oh aye, me too, and not long now, kidda!

Frank sighs, continuing forward towards the end of the catwalk where it quickly jolts right. Johan marches out from behind a girder obscuring the catwalk, carrying a large piece of black spraypainted welded metal over his shoulders.

Frank: Johan..whats with the giant metal moustache?

Johan: Boss make us remove Mexican flag, moustache, and cool paint job. Boss is dickhead.

Frank: …Right.

Johan: Frank doesn’t look good. Is Frank alright?

Frank: Aside from being mere minutes from REX being launched and hurling nukes around the world like a monkey flinging shit? Oh yeah, I’m completely fine.

Johan: Sarcasm. Nice.

Johan shakes his head, walking past Frank. He turns right, walking over to the ladder and slowly climbs up it: Vince, Brick, That Random Guy, Mr. Dibbley, Bob and Sal are laying on the back of the head that forms the cockpit of REX, looking up at the sky.

Vince: A giant, bipedal walking tank used to fire nuclear missiles. I think I know what I want for Christmas!

Brick walks past the group.

Brick: I bought you some shower gel and a packet of peanuts.


Brick: Suck my nuts.

Brick laughs and runs past him, jumping off REX and onto the catwalk.

Mr. DIbbley: I think that having REX as a present would only bring calamity to our part of the world in the future.

Vince: Why?

Bob: America would bomb the fuck out of us for it.

Vince: America would bomb us anyway.

Dave: Bob has a point.

Vince: Well, yeah.

Frank lays down beside Bob, laying his arms behind his head and closing his eyes.

Mr. Dibbley: You’ve joined us?

Frank: Too tired to give a fuck..too sober to pretend to care.

Bob: Awwww poor Frank. My heart bleeds.

Frank: Go fuck yourself, tentacle fodder.

As Frank lays there and attempts to come to grips with his own mortality. Lynch is standing at the far end of the catwalk which runs under the Control Room, throwing the butt of his cigar down and into the water. It smacks off Wills head with a dull crackle.

Wills Voice: Thanks, dick!

Lynch sneers it off, shaking his head. As he does Ocelot, having went to the toilet off the catwalk which spans opposite the Control Room and leads to the right hand side of the cockpit, sneaks past him, heading north a few steps before turning left and sneaking into the Control Room. As he sneaks through the doorway he notices Stoofer, still standing there with his arms folded. Before Ocelot can turn around, Lynch appears behind him, violently grasping his shoulders

Lynch: Alright, where’s our pay?

Ocelot screams and spins around, as does Stoofer who walks over, locking Ocelot in a full nelson hold and tightening his arms, lifting him several feet off the ground. His feet lash out uselessly, his Colt Single Action Armys rattling uselessly in the holsters attached to the bandolier which spans his body.

Lynch: Cunt. Money. Now.


Stoofer [Viciously]: Where’s..THE MONEY?!

Ocelot whimpers.

Ocelot: Behind us, far left of room, in a computer console with a piece of blue raspberry chewing gum stuck to it.

Lynch: Blue raspberry, eh? Gay. Stoofer, drop the cowboy and fetch that cash.

Stoofer growls at Lynch, then looks at Ocelot, throwing him to the ground. Ocelot yelps in pain, skidding to a halt at the feet of Lynch who simply puts his left foot on his chest, keeping him pinned. Stoofer walks across the room, noticing two computer consoles to the left and right of a console filled with keys and screens. Stoofer grasps the door of the one with a sticky wad of blue gum stuck to it and gives a deep growl from the pit of his stomach, pulling the door cleanly off the console: Sure enough, the interior is hollowed out, leaving a dark abyss, When Stoofer steps back, some light flows into the console, revealing a large burlap sack.

Stoofer [Grinning]: Now this..I like this a lot.

Ocelot: …Money given to us in the hope that we will not launch our nukes.

Lynch: Where did you get that from?

Stoofer lets down the sack, looking into the computer console. A dead body, its skin shrunken over its face to form a taut, deadened mask, drained of blood, sits there, loosely clad in a solid black suit.

Ocelot: Ambassador. Came in, bribed us, died. Cash.

Lynch: Charming. It’s all there, right? Two thousand each?

Ocelot: No..twenty thousand each. You’ve all gotten extra pay because that’s what the United States gave to us. Sadly for them, it’ll be going towards all of you. Of course, count it as…good relations pay.

Lynch: Say wha?

Stoofer hauls up the sack, walking over to Lynch and hoisting the sack over his shoulder. Frank appears behind Lynch, Bobs bootmark stamped on his face.

Frank: Bob doesn’t like being called an octopus bitch—What’s going on?

Lynch: Ocelots giving us good relations pay.


Lynch turns his head to face Frank.


Frank: But he didn’t come!

Lynch: No, but several Taliban did, didn’t they? And you fed them tea and biscuits for fucks sake!

Frank: I couldn’t turn them away! They handed us the flier!

Lynch turns to Ocelot.

Lynch: Do you see what I have to work with?!

Ocelot blinks rapidly.

Ocelot: …….Yeah. Look, I’ll toss in another five thousand dollars each if you bastards remain loyal to me.

Lynch: Say WHAT?!

Stoofer: Deal.

Lynch: YOU SON OF A--

Ocelot: Liquid is one crazy bastard.

Lynch: ---Continue.

Ocelot: I don’t want to sit around here with my thumb up my ass for the rest of eternity, sitting around as mercenaries file in like flies on offence.

Frank, Stoofer and Lynch: None taken.

Ocelot: Outer Heaven…A world which is consumed by war where mercenaries can live freely, taking contracts freely and becoming rich men. Where war allows us all to be free. Free as birds, fluttering around a blood-filled landscape ending lives. Fuck. That. Shit. I want to be out there if that’s the case, not stuck in a room like this.

Stoofer: Indeed.

Ocelot: Which is why I’m hauling ass. Right now. I recommend you guys do the same, since loony-tunes is going to be launching REX any moment now.

Lynch: Nah, we’ve got shit to do first.

Ocelot: Like stopping REX? Good fucking luck. It’s impenetrable, unless you destroy the Radome first and then focus fire on the cockpit. Hint fucking hint.

Lynch: Woah woah woah, why are you helping us?

Ocelot: I have my reasons.

Phil sidles into the room, looking at Frank, Lynch, Ocelot and Stoofer and giving a small salute.

Phil: Just patrollin’

Ocelot: No looking for porn on the laptop.

Phil stops, turning to the window and shrugging. Ivan curses loudly and turns around, returning to his patrol. Phil, however, walks past the laptops and turns to the right, looking down at a screen on the console.

Lynch: I don’t get you. You’re one strange motherfucker.

Ocelot: Look, pledge allegiance to me and you’ll get paid, alright?

Lynch: Why should I?

Ocelot: I’ve seen you mercenaries. I know you bastards love throwing wrenches into’ve pretty much fucked up Liquids operation here both purposefully and through complete incompetence. Luckily, it’s benefitted me. I’ve got the pay he was going to give you guys..He’s stiffing you.
Lynch: Fucking cunt.

Ocelot: Exactly..I’m giving you your pay. All I ask for is your submission to me, and if I call, you come and work for me, where the rewards will be great! We even have free health cover!

Lynch stops for a few minutes before lifting his foot up. Ocelot scrambles backwards, bouncing off the hard gut of Stoofer who glares down at him. Ocelot flinches, turning back towards Lynch and Frank. At the console, Phil taps a few keys, clicking on a few items of the Internet History.

Phil: “Online Banking with American Express”? Juicy. Never knew bad guys had credit cards..

Phil clicks a few more buttons, reading Liquids balance.

Phil: ..One million, eight hundred thousand, three hundred and twenty five dollars and fifteen cents?...Where the fuck did he get the fifteen cents from?

Lynch holds a hand out to Ocelot.

Lynch: Deal. But the moment you stiff us or stab us in the back, we will be up your ass and out your mouth.

Ocelot holds out his arms, shrugging.

Ocelot: I won’t. I need some loyal morons.

Lynch: Then shake my hand, motherfucker. Oh, but before you do…you guys have a prisoner..Fabien, right?

Ocelot: Yes?

Lynch: Let the French fuck go. He’s useful, crazy and loyal.

Ocelot: You..don’t know? He escaped an hour ago!

Lynch blinks.

Lynch: A Frenchman who escaped from a prison, why does that not surprise me?

Frank: The Siege of Bastille?

Lynch turns to Frank with his outstretched hand, slapping him around the cheek before spinning around to face Ocelot again.


Lynch: You’re acting too smart.

Stoofer chuckles, shuffling the bag over his shoulder.

Ocelot: Look, just..go. Run. That’s what I’ll be doing. In fact, that is what I’m going to do. You guys want to help Snake? Go ahead. I’m taking the high-road out of here, so give me the money and I’ll stash it.

Ocelot turns to Stoofer, who growls loudly. Ocelot simply holds out his right hand.

Ocelot: I’m going to stash it in the new lowrider I bought for you mechanics as a thank you gift for…borrowing the blueprints.

Stoofer looks at Lynch, who nods. Stoofer reluctantly hands Ocelot the sack, who grasps it and slings it over his shoulder. He reaches into the pocket of his pants, pulling out a lone silver key and handing it to Stoofer, who snatches it.

Stoofer: Gracias.

Stoofer grins, looking down at the key and walking past Ocelot and the mercenaries out of the door. Ocelot nods at Frank and Lynch.

Ocelot: I’ll keep my word.

Lynch: If you don’t, we will remember.

Ocelot: Why don’t you guys take the high-road with me? Right now?

Frank: Nope, gotta help Snake.

Ocelot: So..mercenaries hired by the US Army? A paramilitary?

Lynch: In the sense that we’re a nations army which they don’t recognize, I guess..but we work for cash, not loyalties, so we’re mercenaries through and through…That and all of us have came from different military backgrounds. Ex Navy SEAL looking at you.

Frank nods, looking at Lynch timidly. Lynch grins, his eyes looking at Frank shiftily.

Lynch: What about you, short stuff?


Lynch: Wow. And you, Phil?

Phil: Yorkshire Regiment of the Kings Brigade. Got pissed of being in the Fourth Battalion with the reserves so I got them to ship me out to the Middle East.

Lynch: See? Different countries. What about the Paki?

Frank: One, he’s Indian. Two, his names Karab. Three, he’s a Gorkha

Lynch : A whatsit?

Frank: A Gorkha. He was in the Eleven Gorkha Rifles regiment…You know..peacekeeping operations for India?

Lynch narrows his eyes, shaking his head.

Frank [Desperately]: He blew up a bomb outside Hyderabad so he got moved to the Academy?!

Lynch [Uncaring]: Yeah yeah, I get it.

Frank [Quietly]: Dick..

Ocelots eyes turn blank as they talk, but he quickly shakes his head.

Ocelot: ..I’ll find you all later. Somehow, someway, and I do expect you to work with me.

Lynch: You got the money, we got the madness.

Ocelot nods, walking quickly past Lynch and Frank and out of the door. Lynch shrugs, following Ocelot out. Frank looks at Phil, who is still tapping keys.

Frank: Phil.

Phil doesn’t pay attention, still tapping keys.

Frank [Shouting]: PHIL!

Phil: Yes’m?

Frank: If Solid Snake enters the room, DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO INPUT THE PAL KEY!

Phil [Not paying attention]: Yeah.

Frank: Repeat what I said!

Phil [Uncaring]: Don’t allow Snake to input the PAL key and kill us all. Understood, now fuck off.

Frank growls, turning around and leaving the doorway. Phil stops tapping keys and looks around: No-one was around. He grins cheekily, turning to the screen and cracking his knuckles.

Phil: Liquids gonna buy me a new Italian suit..maybe a car, too..maybe? But definitely, definitely, definitely some Hobnobs!

He clicks a few more buttons

Phil: …The fuck is this? I WANT TO TRANSFER MONEY DAMMIT!!!

Dave walks in front of the window, raising his eyebrows. Phil stops typing, looking up.


Dave stands in front of the window, latching his hands and face to it.

Dave [In a creepy tone]: Heellloooooooooo…

Phil keeps clicking buttons randomly.

Phil: Dave, fuck off, I’m doing shit.

Dave: Speaking of shit..

Snake runs through the open doorway, looking around: Seeing only one mercenary, he shrugs, walking over to the laptop next to Phils and tapping the drive, opening it and inserting the key.

Snake: Sup? Just let me input this shit..

Snake looks over Phils shoulder as he waits for the PAL key to be accepted.

Snake: …Money Transfer?

Phil: I’m a mercenary, so shoot me.

Snake: What does a mercenary need with over a million dollars?

Phil pans his hand in the air in front of him.

Phil [In a distant tone]: Hobnobs… far as the eyes can see.

Snake [Unimpressed]: Yeah, sure.

Phil: Yep. So if you don’t mind, shut up. How do I transfer this shit?

Snake hangs his head and gives a deep sigh, walking over and shoving Phil aside.

Snake: Does he have Paypal?

Phil: I don’t know!

Snake sighs and taps a few keys on the keyboard. The eBay homepage pops up, and Snake clicks the “My eBay” tab.

Snake: “liquidbossn00bstabber25”? How droll. Wow, he outbid a guy called “grannypuncher19” for….a sock belonging to William Shatner…FOR TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS?!

Phil: See? I’ll take that money and put it towards a good cause.

Snake: Looks like he’s losing his bid on a job lot of leather paddles.

Phil blinks and looks over Snakes shoulder.

Phil [Bluntly]: Just go to Paypal and wire me the fucking money.

Snake sighs and taps a few keys.

Snake: I do have my own shit to do, y’know!

Phil [Uncaring]: Sure you do.

Snake sighs, tapping away at several keys before stepping to the side, motioning Phil to the laptop.

Snake: Input details. Transfer money. Simple.

Phils eyes widen and he taps several keys, inserting the number of his future bank account. He clicks enter, but the screen refreshes, indicating the account doesn’t exist.

Phil [Thinking to himself]: …Oh yeah, It wouldn’t exist eight years from now….Although Jerichos does..and considering the timeline is that he only arrives at the ass-end of our arrival here from Bolivia, means…

Phil taps in Jerichos bank account information, somehow and suspiciously knowing it off by heart. He clicks transfer, and the progress bar pops up. Snake shakes his head, walking over to his laptop and checking the progress of his own machine while Phil is busy doing the “Running Man” as the money transfers.

Phil [Excitedly]: I’M RICH! I’M RICH! I’M RICH! I’M RICH!

A red light flashes inside the room and the middle panel slowly descends into the body of the console.

Voice:PAL Code number two confirmed. Awaiting PAL code number three.

Snake: Okay, there goes code number two. Next comes PAL number three: Warm the key.

Phil: Try the, try the, try the…BLAST FURNACE! Cha’mone!

Snake nods and turns around, walking through the doorway.

Snake: Cheers.

Phil: I think I was supposed to tell him something. I’m sure it’ll come to me soon.

Phil grins happily, slapping his stomach and twisting his feet.

Phil: I’m so rich, I’m so rich! I’m going to buy shitloads of Hobnobs, then buy a fleet of cars, then private jets, and then, THEN! I might buy some three-ply toilet paper!

Frank runs into the room, looking at Phil.


Phil stops for a moment.

Phil: …Ahhhhhhh! That’s what I was supposed to tell him!


Phil giggles.

Phil: Oooo stop, you’re making me blush..

Frank runs a hand across his face, spitting violently on the floor and turning around, stomping out of the door. Phil simply stands there, quickly turning to the screen and tapping a few buttons.

Phil: Erase history..temporary internet files..cookies..and..HOME FREE AND RICH!

Phil turns around, jumping onto the desks with the laptops and starts doing an Irish jig. Dean turns to look at him from outside the Control Room.

Dean: So, he finally snapped? Good on him. At least he’ll have himself to keep him company.

Karab laughs, throwing a penny onto the ground. Phil sees it, gasps, and jumps forward, smashing his head off the bulletproof glass and knocking himself unconscious.

Karab: …Oops.

Dean: Doesn’t matter, although I do wonder why he’s celebrating…..Thankfully, I’m not a suspicious man!

Karab: On our last day in the Middle East, you thought a puppy had eaten a kebab. You killed the puppy.


Karab: Boss, you have no soul. That’s why you’re awesome!

Vince, Frank, Billy and That Other Random Guy peer around the corner of the girder to the north-west, looking down the catwalk. Upon seeing only Dean and Karab in their viewpoint, they grin and nod at eachother, sneaking down the catwalk, turning right and heading into the Control Room.


Dean: Wanna join them? Vinces poker face looks like a gurner with constipation.

Karab: I’ll pass. Besides, psychos here.

Dean [Panicky]: SHIT?! IVAN?!

Karab: Liquid.

Dean: Ahhh..Ganguro Brit Psycho!

Liquid swiftly walks down the catwalk with a visible swaying strut in his step, his brown trenchcoat flowing across his bare chest. Over his eyes are a pair of sunglasses, and his long blonde hair has been tied back into a ponytail. He swiftly walks into the Control Room, taking off a pair of sunglasses and pulling the band out of his blonde hair, letting out fall onto his shoulders.

Liquid: Well, that went well.

Frank: What went well?

Liquid turns around: Frank is sitting on the computer panel, dangling his legs. Sitting in a circle of four on the floor are Vince, Billy, That Other Random Guy and Johan playing Poker.

Liquid: Impersonating Master Miller, of course.

Frank: Charming.

Liquid: Trust me, I know it is.

Frank: So, how do you save money?

Liquid: What the hell are you blabbering about?

Frank: Stuff like gas and electrics and shit.

Liquid: You think they bill us?! YOU THINK THEY WILL SEND BILLS TO THIS PLACE?!

Billy: Don’t you think the Americans will get suspicious when they see Alaska is ramping up their electric and gas bills? By the margin of several million dollars?

Liquid walks to the northern wall of the Control Room, pointing out of the window. Frank hops down from the console and walks over, looking down: Hanging from a beam a few inches away from the Control Room, his neck snapped at an angle with a thick piece of cable around it, is a man in a boiler suit.

Frank: Wow, you hung the gas man?! What kind of monster are you?!

Liquid [Grinning]: A rich one!!

Phil walks past the window of the Control Room, whistling innocently.

Liquid: But also, one that needs that FoxDie vaccine. Like, really needs it.

Frank: Why?

Liquid:: Do you even know about FoxDie?

Frank: Why would I? Sounds like a type of dice game.


Billy: Shut up, nerdazoid!

Vince [Calmly]: Don’t make me Desu you, motherfucker.

Vinces eyes flash red and green.

Vince: You won’t like me when I desu.

Billy reaches over and snaps a forearm into Vinces left temple, sending him sprawled backwards onto the floor, unconscious. He leans backwards, but quickly leans forward again, scraping in Vinces pile of scrap metal doubling for Poker chips.

Billy: Oooo…twenty dollars.

Liquid: Look, FoxDie is a disease, manmade, that targets peoples DNA. It releases a special type of peptide which causes cells to die. This peptide travels to the heart.

Frank: That’s bad.

Liquid: And it causes a heart attack.

Frank sneezes and clamps his hand over his mouth and nose, staring at Liquid.

Frank [Panic-stricken]: OH MY GOD! I HAVE FOXDIE! RUN! RUN! RUN!

Frank screams and turns around, running out of the door.

Frank [Screaming inanely]: HELP ME! HELP ME!

Frank screams, tearing off his shirt and pants and throwing them down, scratching his body roughly.

Frank [Screaming inanely]I ITCH! I’M GOING TO DIE! DIE DIE DIE!

Frank runs past the Control Room window wearing only his window, running past That Hispanic Guy, Phil and Maurice who are standing around, talking. They stare and watch as Frank stands behind the railing.

Frank [Screaming inanely]: HELP ME! FOXDIE!

Liquid leans over the control panel and raps on the window roughly.

Liquid [Yelling in disbelief]: YOU DON’T HAVE IT! IT DOESN’T HAVE SYMPTOMS!

Frank screams and falls over the railing. That Hispanic Guy points and laughs loudly as a loud splash is heard.

Phil: look! He fell into the nuclear waste! HA!

Maurice [Disgusted]: He’s….wearing tighty-whities.

That Hispanic Guy: Unclean tighty-whities.

Maurice [Even more disgusted]: …Aww shit, that’s minging.

Moe strolls over, looking over the platform of the catwalk from under the railings and down at Frank, spitting onto his head and laughing.


Liquid shakes his head incredulously, rubbing his eyes. His eyes glance down to one of the computer panels which controls the security cameras in the outside hallway: Before Snake can throw a Chaff, Liquid notices him huddled in the doorway, the feed cutting out as he reaches the bottom of the set of steps.

Liquid [Excited]: HERE HE COMES! HIDE!

Liquid darts out of the Control Room and down the steps, looking at the mercenaries standing there while he grins like a possessed maniac.


Liquid cackles, turning right and running down the catwalk before vaulting over it, landing in the cockpit of REX and huddling inside it. Maurice, Moe, Phil and That Hispanic Guy simply watch as he does.

Maurice: So, Snakes arriving? And then this whole thing ends?

Phil: Yes.

That Hispanic Guy grasps Phils shoulder.

That Hispanic Guy: Compadre, go rally the troops.

A squeaking sound is heard cutting roughly through the air. The mercenaries turn their heads to the right of the catwalk where Will is pulling himself up violently on the platform.


Maurice: Ow, Will, get into the Control Room, Snakes coming.

Will: Oh, thank God! I can finally change into my Gucci in a few hours and go back to solidifying my position as best looking mercenary!

Maurice [Unimpressed, rolling his eyes]: Yeah yeah..

Maurice and That Hispanic Guy lead Will across the catwalk, up the steps and into the Control Room where Vince, Billy, That Other Random Guy and Johan already are. With those mercenaries bearing witness, Phil hurtles across the catwalk. He turns to Ivan, Jericho and Mr. Dibbley, whose feet and flipper are tied together by a piece of metal cable as they jostle on the head of REX.


Ivan and Jericho look at eachother and laugh before high-fiving, leaning down and cutting the cable.Phil runs forward, turning right at the far-left catwalk: Dave and Robbie are busy conversing quietly.

Phil: Guys, Control Room, it’s time to get home.

Robbie and Dave nod soundlessly, halting their conversation and walking swiftly past Phil. Phil continues on, and as he reaches a split in the catwalk where a separate branch leads to the right, he looks down it: Moe is busy talking to Dean and Karab, who are fidgeting anxiously. Phil gives a shrill whistle and they turn to face him.

Phil: Control Room, hometime. Go now.

Dean: Oh thank FUCK! C’mon Karab!

The mercenaries jog forward, turning and jogging past him. Phil walks forward a few steps and looks up and to the right, noticing Stoofer and Bobby scaling down a girder.


Stoofer and Bobby jump down from the halfway point of the girder, hitting the metal with a noisy rattle and running past Phil. Phil jogs forward, turning right at the end of the catwalk and following its angles around to REXs back: He climbs up the ladder, stopping on it and looking across: Brick, Steve, Bob and Sal, the final few mercenaries, are laying down calmly.

Phil: Guys, come on. Time to get home.

They jump to their feet, cheering wildly. Phil slides off the ladder and Sal jumps on his back.

Sal: Lead the way! TO HOME! TO VICTORY!

Phil laughs and runs with Sal on his back, not caring and only home bearing down on his mind. Phil, Sal, Brick, Steve and Bob make their way into the Control Room, which is now bustling with excited conversation. Phil kneels down and Sal shoves him away, running over to Vince and pumping his fists.


Phil stands up, and Steve grasps his shoulder, patting it.

Steve: This is it. We’re going home.

Dean [In disbelief]: HOW I’VE WAITED FOR THIS DAY TO COME!!!

Karab: SAME HERE!!

Johan, That Hispanic Guy, Stoofer and Bobby walk into a makeshift circle, looking at eachother.

That Hispanic Guy: When the time comes, get excited, BECAUSE WE’RE GOING HOME COMPADRES!!

Each of them let out a whooping yell, raising their fists. Johan looks even more ecstatic than That Hispanic Guy, leaning down and locking him in a tight hug. Even the giant, cold-hearted Stoofer leans down, hugging them both. Ivan and Jericho watch, their arms over eachothers shoulders.

Ivan: Vell, soon ve veturn home, and ve can drink once again!

Jericho: It’s about time, I’ve been sober for too long!


The mercenaries jump up and down, whooping like wild creatures as Snake rushes down the catwalk to the left of the control room, his hands popping up a red-hot PAL Key.

Bill: C’mon! C’mon!

Snake darts into the room, skidding slightly and heading across the crowd of mercenaries to the third laptop, the laptop furthest to the left. The mercenaries simply stand around the Control Panel, watching as Snake taps a few keys on the laptop, placing the PAL key inside of it.

Snake: This is it..World saving time.

Lynch: C’mon..just do it already!

Snake lets out a deep breath, as do the mercenaries.

Sal: Home..I can smell it now.

Vince: Same here..

Moe: Long time coming, lads.

Mr. Dibbley: Almost there.

Dean clasps an arm around Karabs shoulder, staring expectantly. The other mercenaries follow suit, forming an arch shape behind the control panel with their arms around eachothers shoulders.Phil jumps up excitedly, his arms over Billys and Sals shoulders.

Phil: We’re about to go hoooooooome!

Snake slips the key into the side of the laptop. At that moment, Frank bursts in through the open doorway, dripping wet with a thick liquid and wearing only his underwear. The mercenaries turn their heads to him.

Will: I thought I had given up dignity putting my arms around the shoulders of Vince and Bob. Now my dignity has finally been soiled.


Snake: I already did. Listen and acknowledge me as the fucking hero! LISTEN!

The room flashes red and the mercenaries turn to the control panel, some of them stomping their feet rhythmically in anticipation. The large cubed panel slowly slides into the control panel.

Voice: PAL Code number three confirmed.

The mercenaries let loose a giant cheer, and can hardly contain their excitement anymore: Dean, Karab, Bill and Ivan jump around in the air, pumping their arms. Will falls to his knees, clutching his head in his hands before raising his arms in triumph. Phil, Billy, Sal, Steve and Jericho share a group hug, dancing in a circle, while Maurice is dogpiled giddily by Moe, That Hispanic Guy, Dave, Brick and Robbie. Johan, Stoofer and Bobby simply shake hands with eachother..before sharing a triumphant group hug. Snake wipes his brow and lets out a giant sigh. Frank simply stands there, dumbfounded.

Voice: PAL Code entry completed..detonation code activated.

The mercenaries stop their celebrations, quickly scrambling to their feet. Steve, Ivan, Johan and Stoofer rush over to the end laptop, shoving Snake out of the way and staring at the screen.


Johan grabs the laptop and lets loose a mammoth bellow from the pits of his stomach, smashing the laptop over his knee and letting it crumble into tiny pieces. Snake simply stares at where the laptop used to be, dumbfounded.

Voice: Ready for launch.


Sal rushes over to the center laptop, flanked by Billy and Phil. Sure enough, the blue boxes which confirmed the input had now turned a sinister red hue, signaling the activation of Metal Gear REX.


Dave: WHAT?!

Dave rushes over to the laptop, staring at the screen before turning to Snake, pulling his SOCOM from his holster and pointing it at Snakes head.


Snake doesn’t pay attention, instead holding two fingers to his ear, showing he’s activating a Codec call. Lynch scans the two remaining laptops, his heart pounding roughly in his chest.

Lynch: ..Fuck..

He clutches his head tightly, a single tear rolling down his cheek.

Lynch [Grimly]: We..didn’t stop it..we…die..we’re gonna die…REX..activated..

The mercenaries stand still: It provides a terrifying contrast to the earlier scenes of joy and excitement: The smiles had faded, the youthful exuberance had been dropped from their faces, and replaced with terror-stricken gaping mouths. Dave and Robbie look at eachother in confusion, as if they think the thing is just a nightmare. Johan, Bobby, Stoofer and That Hispanic Guy collapse to their knees, bowing their heads and praying. Phil is sitting on the control panel, staring blankly ahead. Jericho sits beside, slapping a hand onto his shoulder in comfort, while his own face contorts with fear.

Maurice: ..We’re doomed.

Maurice sits on the floor, head in his hands, while Moe simply stands there, looking around. Karab walks past him, terrified, while Bill and Brick are both giving eachother their final rites of choice. Seeing this, Moe gives a shrill whistle. The mercenaries stop their panic-stricken activities and turn to Moe. They look around, then look down at Moe.

Moe: GUYS! It doesn’t end like this! After all we’ve been through, why are we all panicked right now? We’ll just find a way out, and we’ll destroy that fucking machine! Liquid may have a killer robot about to activate, but we’ve got brains, firepower and itchy trigger fingers! We don’t extra genetics, or syringes, we have a lifetime of experience! I was a member of the National Guard at one time! I know the rest of you have came from military backgrounds to be trained in the art of mercenary war, and it shows! So don’t give up and let’s get the fuck out of here and kick some Limey ass, alright?!

Mercenaries: YEAH!

Phil: Limey? Hang on--

Moe: You know what I meant. Brits, think of Liquid as a Australian!

Jericho grins.

Jericho [Sadistically]: I’m gonna snap him in half.

Snake: Alright, have you guys prepared enough? I mean, we’re still alive, and we can get out with explosives, right?

The room fills with a visible, thick pea-soup coloured gas. The mercenaries and Snake look around, sighing.

Dean: Now this? This sucks ass.

Snake gets on one knee, hastily pressing two fingers to his ear. Lynch dives to the floor, pressing his face to the concrete.


The mercenaries look around at eachother, cheeks bulging, and shrug, diving onto their stomachs and pressing their heads into the floor. Brick gasps, sucking in mouthfuls of air.


Sal takes in a smell breath and chokes, coughing it out.


The mercenaries lay there, as stoic and as still as possible. Lynch keeps his head pressed to the floor, eyes contorted into a determined gaze as he looks around the floor. Frank gives him a small thumbs up, which he quickly returns. Ivan starts slamming his head to the floor. Snake quickly straps on his gasmask and rushes over to the door, turning to the mercenaries lying on the floor.


As Snake finishes the sentence, the gas quickly dissipates into the vents it was dispersed from and the door flies open. Snake quickly tears off his gasmask and throws it to his feet.

Snake: You guys coming?? I’m gonna need some major back-up here!

Jericho: Do we have a choice?

Lynch: No chance in hell.

That Random Guy: So much for democracy, eh?!

The mercenaries start scrambling to their feet, clutching their weapons tightly.

Johan: We..have to do this and get home!

Phil: Johan, that is the smartest fucking thing I’ve heard! LET’S GO, LADS!

Frank: Alright, I’m game!

The mercenaries let out a united yell as Snake rushes out of the door, accompanied by the mercenaries. They dash past the Control room southwards, before Snake twists right, staring across the jutting-out angular cockpit of REX and at Liquid, who is standing there, bare-chested and with the most sinister grin carved into his face. To his left stands the cockpit, and the image of REX leering behind him, railgun at the ready, provides a sinister backdrop and commentary to a man who has become crazed with power.

Liquid: Snake, did you like my sunglasses?


The mercenaries raise their weapons, but Snake raises his SOCOM pistol quicker, aiming it dead between the eyes of Liquid. Seeing this, the mercenaries turn their heads to Lynch, who nods.

Robbie: Damn, I wanted to kill the fucking Jersey Shore reject!

Sal: Me too.

Ivan: And me.

Liquid simply smirks. The mercenaries scowl violently.

Liquid: You’d point a weapon at your own brother--

Snake: Why did you disguise yourself as Master?

Liquid: So I could manipulate you more easily..and you performed quite well, I must say. Although the boys at the Pentagon are probably saying the same thing

Snake: What the hell are you talking about?!

Liquid: Following orders blindly with no questions asked. You’ve lost your warriors pride and became nothing more than a pawn, Snake.

Sal: Ooo..burn.

Steve: He’s gonna need some ointment for that one!

Steve and Sal high-five. Snake grinds his teeth irritably.

Snake: What?

Liquid: Stopping the nuclear launch, rescuing the hostages…It was all just a diversion.

Mercenaries and Snake [In unison]: A diversion?

Frank: This is getting freaky now.

Liquid: The Pentagon only needed for you to come in contact with us. That’s what killed the ArmsTech president and Decoy Octopus.

The mercenaries shift their gaze to Frank, who looks back at them, frowning.

Frank [hissing quietly]: It was accidental!

Phil: Suuuuuure it was, drunky.

Dean: Keep telling yourself that when it’s the end of the world as we know it.

Snake: You don’t mean--

Liquid: That’s right. You were sent in here to kill us so they could retrieve Metal Gear undamaged along with the bodies of the Genome Soldiers. From the beginning, the Pentagon was just using you as a vector to spread FoxDie.

Snake: FoxDie? It can’t be..Are you telling me Naomi was working with the Pentagon?

Liquid: They thought she was. But it seems that Doctor Naomi Hunter couldn’t be controlled so easily.

Snake: What?

Liquid: We’ve got a spy working in the Pentagon. He reported that Doctor Hunter altered FoxDies program just before the operation. knows how or why.

A small silence fills the air.

Lynch [bitterly]: Oh look, the government fucked up. Surprise surprise.

Johan: No surprise. We’re always cleaning up their messes.

Snake: I wonder..maybe they arrested her so they could find out the answer to that.

Liquid: No doubt. But I had no idea she was motivated by such petty revenge, we still don’t know what changes she made to FoxDies program. Oh well. It doesn’t matter. I’ve already added the FoxDie vaccine to my list of White House demands.

Snake: There’s a vaccine?

Liquid: There must be, but that woman is the only one who really knows. Anyway, it might prove to be…unnecessary.

Snake: Why is that?

Liquid: You were successful in coming into contact with all of us, so we must all have been exposed to the virus. It’s true that the ArmsTech president and Decoy Octopus were killed by FoxDie…But Ocelot, myself and you, the carrier were apparently unaffected.

Snake: A bug in the virus’ programming?

Liquid: Hmm. Could be. In any case, if it doesn’t kill you then I’m not worried either. After all, our genetic code is identical.

Snake: So it’s and I are..

Liquid: Yes, twins, but we’re not ordinary twins..we’re twins linked by cursed genes.

Liquid smirks.

Liquid [Adopting a French accent]: Les Enfants Terribles.

Steve [quietly, to Frank]: Psst. That means the terrible infants.

Frank [quietly]: I knew that.

Lynch: [quietly]: Liar.

Brick [butting in quietly]: What’re we talking about?

The mercenaries quickly stop, looking up at Liquid again. Ivans eyes narrow more with every sentence from Liquid, as do Robbies and Daves, obviously eager to kill him. Liquids arms start shaking with rage as he continues talking, and he starts making exaggerated waves of his arm, as if he is making a doomed point.

Liquid: You’re fine, Snake. You got all the old mans dominant genes. I got all the flawed, recessive genes. Everything was done so that you would be the greatest of his children. The only reason I exist is so they could create you.

Snake: I was the favourite, huh?

Liquid [Snapping angrily]: That’s right! I’m JUST the leftovers of what they used to make YOU! CAN you understand what it’s like to know that you’re garbage since the day you were born?!

Snake shakes his head slowly. Liquid places his left hand on his hip, standing tall.

Sal: Will does.


Liquid [Eerily calm voice]: But..i’m the one father chose.

Snake: ..So that’s why you’re so obsessed with Big Boss. Some warped kind of love.

Liquid [Exasperated]: Love?! [Snapping angrily] IT’S HATE! He always told me I was inferior and now I’ll have my revenge!!

Liquid lets out a short laugh that makes the mercenaries hair stand up on the backs of their necks.

Liquid: You should understand me, brother. You killed our father with your own HANDS!

Liquid swipes his right arm across his body angrily.

Liquid [Increasingly agitated]: You stole my chance for revenge! Now I’ll finish the work that father began! I will surpass him! I WILL DESTROY HIM!

Snake [Unphased]: You’re just like Naomi.

Frank: This is starting to irritate me.

Mr. Dibbley: Just ignore it, two fools arguing about imbecilic stuff.

Liquid [Agitated]: Well, I’m not like you! Unlike you, I’m proud of the destiny that is encoded into my very genes!

Liquid dashes to the right as Snake raises his pistol once more. Lynch doesn’t have to say a word: The mercenaries open up a violent volley of fire, only for bullets to ping and crack off of the metal shell of REX. Liquid hops over the railing, landing in the open cockpit of REX, resembling a mouth lolling open lazily. He quickly sits into the seat, pressing a few buttons. The mercenaries lean over the railing, keeping their fire concentrated on the cockpit.


The fire is futile: The cockpit jams shut, safely ensconsing Liquid within the safety of the cockpit

Snake: DAMN!

The base that REX was built upon emits a violent hiss, and carbon dioxide flows from beneath it.

Liquids Voice: Snake! Your blood will be the first blood to be spilt by this glorious new weapon! Consider it an honour, a gift from your brother! NOW I’LL SHOW YOU THE POWER OF THE WEAPON THAT WILL LEAD US IN THE 21st CENTURY!

REX continues to rise on the platform, the metal catwalks buckling and collapsing as it does. As the beast continues to rise, the mercenaries lower their weapons, turning to Snake.

Snake: It’s moving!

Lynch: You know what time it is?

Phil: Oh yeah….Time for a Leap of--


As REX and its platform rise towards the abyssal hole in the ceiling, Jericho vaults over the railing, falling several feet down and slamming onto the metal platform at the feet of REX. Snake follows suit, landing near the right ‘foot’ of REX.



Lynch vaults over the railing, followed by Sal, Steve, Dean, Frank, Phil, Dave, Robbie and Ivan. Karab looks over the railing, whimpering, but Brick grabs his legs and flips him, causing him to scream and quickly grasp his shield, holding it over his stomach as he hits the platform. Brick grins and vaults over the railing, followed by Bill, Billy, That Other Random Guy, Johan, Mr. Dibbley and Vince. Bob stands there, watching.


Will pushes the sole of his boot against Bobs rear and pushes him forward, sending him over the railing and now just a few inches down onto the platform as it begins the creak and buckle under their feet. Maurice grabs Moe and climbs over the railing, landing on the platform. That Hispanic Guy, Stoofer, Bobby and That Random Guy simply watch, sharing a high-five.

Stoofer: Well, it works perfectly!

That Hispanic Guy: Be proud, my compadres! Be proud! Oh, and we should probably jump.

They step over the railing, stepping instantly onto the rising platform.

Steve: Now approaching Floor Kill.

With the mercenaries and Snake on the platform, the catwalk snaps and falls several feet down to the bottom of the shaft. The mercenaries fall to their hands and knees, some laying down, to keep their footing. The platform rises into a separate room above the Underground Maintenance: A gigantic room, one that could be the only one to allow such a giant creation to move freely. The room is highly angular, the sides sloping up into a large hole where one could only guess where it leads to, and a catwalk which loops around the eastern, southern and western walls. Aside from this, and the bare bones of the walls consisting of metal panels, beams and tubes, it was empty, aside from a lone shipping container behind them to the extreme lower-right of the room, parallel to the western wall. As the panel clicks into place, the mercenaries quickly turn around, running into the room and looking around: Nothing could possibly provide good cover here, and with such a large number? One of them will most likely die.

Snake, however, had already sprinted to behind the container, huddling behind it. The mercenaries simply turned and looked up at REX, as it stood still, making preperations to become fully operational.


The mercenaries simply stood there, frozen in absolute fear. The legs of REX jolted forward, and made the entire machine motion forward as if it was standing on the tips of it toes. With a giant squealing roar from its deepest depths, it cried out its swansong.



Lynch turns and looks around at the mercenaries. Ivan pulls a pair of goggles from out of his back pocket and straps them over his head. Steve stands there, muttering a series of codes, angles and numbers under his breath. Karab has his shield laid horizontally across his body, with Dean to his right and Brick to his left aiming their guns over it. Phil and Jericho crack their knuckles and their necks. Maurice and Moe go over one final last-gasp game plan. Mr. Dibbley stands there, blankly. That Hispanic Guy, Stoofer, Johan, Bobby, That Random Guy and That Other Random Guy stand there, wrenches at the ready and grinning, knowing the blueprints of the machine. Bob is huddled behind Will, who is rolling up his sleeves.

Will: Time to bust out the guns.

Ivan lets out a deep breath, his body now strapped with several sticks of dynamite.

Ivan: Vell, this should be vun..

Robbie and Dave stand there, assault rifles at the ready.

Dave: Robbie, it will be an honor to die by your side.

Robbie: Yeah. Too bad we’re not dying.

Phil turns his head to Jericho.

Phil: You ready, Jerry?

Jericho: Sadly. Still, this will be something we’ll remember for a long time.

Billy: Aye, lads, it’s not something you forget everyday, tackling a giant robot.

Sal: Definitely not.

Lynch hisses and spits onto the ground as REXs cockpit scans the round, its sensors fixating on the group of mercenaries. It zooms in onto Lynchs face with its Vulcan cannons: Lynch is wearing the biggest grin he has ever wore.

Lynch [Grinning sadistically]: Time to fuck shit up.

COMING SOON: The Finale!
The Morons of Shadow Moses Arc comes to its long-awaited finale December 17th! With Metal Gear REX active and ready, can our mercenaries take it down and escape? Will they make it home in time for breakfast? Will anyone die in a blaze of violent glory? Tune in December 17th, and witness the finale that includes a Riverdancing REX, Traffic Jams, Moneybags and 2014!

1 comment:

  1. *taps the screen with a cane* I can see you people reading this. Don't think you can get away without a comment or two, or I swear to God that I....will rap this cane against the screen so more!