Friday, 12 June 2009

Metal Gear Mercenaries - The Morons Of Shadow Moses - PART I : Welcome To The Suck

The bitter Alaskan blizzard pounded ferociously at the supposedly derelict island. Off the coast of Alaska, it was surrounded by bitterly cold waters which could kill the average human being. No-one could get in simply by swimming, and thanks to the heavy defences, spying helicopters and boats were easily dealt with.

The island...none other than the haunting, snow-covered mastodon off of the Fox Arpichelago: Shadow Moses Island.

Date: February 2005
The rogue unit of FOXhound, rebelling from the United States Government during a Training Exercise, with their own special forces unit, has captured the base to both hold a place for the ultimate weapon, and to use this very weapon as a bargaining tool for the body of Big Boss.
But why?
Big Boss: The supersoldier. Leader of the old FOXhound. An acclaimed spy who arguably single-handedly brought an end to the cold war by destroying the Shagohod, the American defector The Boss, and General Borisovitch Volgin. This very soldier became a mercenary, heading his own mercenary army called Soldiers Without Borders. This very man would then mastermind none other than Outer Heavan, a group bent on turning the world into a mercenaries paradise. Big Boss was quickly stopped twice by his own "son", Solid Snake.

It was now by the job of one unit to, in a sense, revive Big Boss's talents to create unstoppable soldiers. FOXHound: Led by Liquid Snake. One of three clones of Big Boss. Liquid Snake was given the recessive genes, and is considered to be the genetically inferior of the three. But why do they want the genes of Big Boss? To re-geneticise Liquid Snake?

The guards: The Genome Soldier project. The project is used to create genetically superior soldiers for FOXhound in their bid to recreate Outer Heaven: A world entirely consumed by war. A soldiers paradise. A world where soldiers and mercenaries can thrive. Big Boss’s Legacy.

But little does Liquid know that the SS Enterprise, led by formerly-retired Col. Roy Campbell of the old FOXhound at the request of the Secretary of State Jim Houseman, has just launched a pod through the icy abyss to the docks of Shadow Moses

The pod holds one man:

Solid Snake.

But the problem with the Genome Soldier Project is...some of the soldiers haven't even been enhanced in the first place.

Unless you count time travel away from horny robots and Samoa Joe.

I doubt you do.
The sound of flowing water echoed throughout the dull grey docks of Shadow Moses. Metal containers containing genetic material and metal scrap were scattered across the cold stone floor. 2 guards, sporting FAMAS assault rifles and grenades, wandered around. They all had the same standard white uniform with black combat vests holding their equipment, none of them wore the standard issue cotton mask one would expect, but rather, Russian Cossack Hats. As one of the guards patrolling the outer sections of the titanic metal shipping crates stationed upon the concrete, the other met up with his patrol. They quickly huddled together, trying to recover from the bitter wind.

Steve: Why are we even here?

Phil: Not for a party, that's for sure

Steve: But I likeh the party.....

Phil: Yeah well, the cakes gone and replaced with a nuclear-capable robot

Steve: That's some cake!

Phil: Some say it isn't even a cake at all! Either way, we gotta keep our cover and wait until we can go back to 2014 with those nutjobs

Steve: Ah..Beauty and the Beast Unit...

Phil: The very same

Steve: Why do you hate them so much?

Somewhere from the surface, a loud yell is heard:

Phil: That's why..Poor Bob will never be the same again!

They quietened down, hearing a fizzing sound

Steve: Did you hear that?

Phil: Hear what?

Steve: That fizzing sound?

Phil: Ssh!!

They hear the sound of a submerged fart, and the sound of bubbles

Steve: Aww..that's nasty..

Both of them walk through the middle of the lines of containers in the huddle. They look down over the copper metal barrier and into the green depths of the water below

Steve: See anything?

Phil: No..but what the fuck is that smell?

Steve yells out and clutches his nose


Phil sniffs up and faints

Steve: PHIL!

Steve pulls the walkie talkie from the back of his combat vests belt, but accidentally drops it into the water. As Steve grabs Phils walkie-talkie, he fails to see the figure wearing a steel-gray sneaking suit and an oxygen mask sneaking past behind one of the shipping crates

Steve (Into walkie-talkie): Who copies?

Voice: ME!!!!

Steve: Coach Lynch, we have a problem, someones come into the docks! Phils down!

Lynch: Shot?

Steve: Worse..EGGY FART!

Lynch: For fucks sake! Pull your heads outta your asses!

Phil slowly sits up

Phil: I'm...ok..i'm..fine...

Steve: He'll live!

They quieten some, hearing the echo of footsteps, and the squeaking of a sneaking suit being adjusted

Steve: Someones in here!

Phil walks slowly through the containers

Phil: MARCO!!!

Gruff voice: Polo.

Phil screams and runs back into the mini-huddle


They quickly step back in a huddle and watch as a figure crawls from under a large structure and stands up, wearing a tight gray sneaking suit

Steve: ...Oh my God!

Phil: WHAT?!

Steve: It’s Mr. Dibbley!

Phil: It clearly isn’t. It’s clearly Solid Snake pointing a gun at our heads. See?

Snake raises his SOCOM and clicks the hammer.

Phil: Oh, I see.

The figure turns towards them

Steve: Lets do what real mercenaries slash guerillas slash random guys do!

Phil: Kill him?


They quickly run and slide behind a large container. Phils head peeks out and Steves head peaks out above his

Phil: I think he’s gone..

They quieten again as they hear the clunking sound of the elevator rising

Phil: Sunnuva bitch is going up the elevator!!!

Lynch: Come in faggots, that's Solid Snake..don't kill him!!

Steve: Yeah....GET HIM!

Both of them run at the elevator, it starts going up slowly, but they jump up and grab onto the edge


They brace themselves as the first of many steel support beams colliders with their heads on the way up
On the surface, a youngish man with flowing blonde hair and wearing a long brown trenchcoat with black leather gloves stood in front of a towering Russian-issue Hind-D gunship helicopter, surrounded by guards and the criss-crossing bright neon spotlights from the steel catwalk above, one of them catches the back of him, obscuring him from the view of the guards, giving him an even more sinister appearance: Liquid Snake

Liquid: I want you ALL to guard this place! I know he's coming!

Another mercenary, but maskless and hatless, stands in front of him, ruffling his nose and handlebar moustache

Frank: Who?

Liquid: My brother!

The chiselled figure of Coach Lynch, now actually wearing a standard white-army uniform his men are wearing, walks by and sneers

Lynch: Aww..bros paying you a visit?

Frank: My bros a bastard, he always wedgies me--

Liquid: Shut up and just guard this place...Stop him getting in!

Frank salutes him

Frank: YUSH SIR!!!!

Liquid rolls his eyes and climbs into the Hind-D. The unmasked guards run away from the

Helipad as the Hind-D lifts off noisily and jettisons over the edge of the building

Frank: I'M SO ALONE!! alone..alone..

He looks around at the blizzard and his echoing voice makes him sigh

Lynch: So am I i i..

Dave: You guys aren’t!

Heartfelt piano music is heard as Dave the mercenary runs through the blizzard with his arms spread open. It stops instantly as Lynch points his rifle at him

Lynch: One more step and i'll blow your freakin' arms off

Dave steps back slightly, but immediately stands frozen

Dave: Frank..behind you..

Frank turns around, coming face to face with Solid Snake

Frank: SNAKE!

Snake: ...Who are you?

Frank: Me, Frank!! Remember? We meet in the future?

Dave blinks

Dave: Is it just me, or did that make absolutely no sense whatsoever?

Frank extends a hand, but Snake punches him in the gut

Frank: Bad decision!

Frank doubles over and Snake shoves him away

Dave: You don't remember us?

Snake pulls out a pistol, Dave screams and runs away. The figure of a penguin appears

Mr. Dibbley: TALLY HO!!!!

The penguin waddles forward and jumps onto its stomach from a small bank, sliding towards Snake wearing a pair of aviator goggles over his eyes. Snake looks bewildered and simply sidesteps as Mr. Dibbley keeps sliding

Mr. Dibbley: Oh no!

Mr. Dibbley slides into the elevator shaft and a crash is heard, followed by several moans of pain. Sanek simply walks on, unphased by the sight of a goggle-wearing penguin. Frank looks up and sees 2 pairs of hands and a pair of flippers latching onto the edge of the elevator hatch. He watches as 2 bodies and a penguin hoist up and roll into the snow

Steve: I think i'm dead..

Phil: Definitely not our best decision..

Steve: I can taste pain!

Phil: That's just blood..

Mr. Dibbley: I say, old bean, I can see the pearly gates..

Steve: me too..they’re probably..real..

He groans and his leg twitches. Frank and Lynch sigh and walk over, Frank kneels beside them and Lynch simply looks down at them

Frank: You guys are the absolute end..

Lynch: You guys really are that fucking useless--

He listens as he hears gunshots in the distance, followed by a large scream. They turn behind them and watch one of Liquids standard-issue Special Force Genome guards fall forward, clutching his groin


Awkward silence.

Frank: ...That's just sick!!

Laughing Octopus (From other realm): But soooooooo arousing

Phil: SHUT UP!!!

Frank: You heard that too?

Steve slowly stands up, along with Phil and Mr. Dibbley, not paying attention as the guard is shot in the head, staining his mask scarlet red and falling over the railing, hitting the floor with a bone-shaking crunch

Steve: It's amazing, it's like there is still a connection between us and them, meaning--

Frank: Don't say it

Steve: Say what?

Frank: I am not crossing the path of Samoa Joe ANOTHER FUCKING TIME!!

Steve: Well, it is possible--


Another mercenary, shivering from cold, and maybe even some fear, walks beside them, heavy bags under his eyes

Phil: Yes, that also means THEY could appear, especially since Shadow Moses appears in MGS4 too..


Lynch: Can we just get on with the story?

Steve: Yeah..

Phil, Frank, Steve, Coach Lynch, Mr. Dibbley, Bob and Dave rush over to the large red blast doors. Lynch stops in front of the dead Genome guard, a large pool of blood soaking into the pale snow.

Lynch: Faggot.

He taps him with his foot and joins the group. They scan the blast doors.

Mr. Dibbley: No way he’s getting in there, old beans!

Phil: Won't there be vents?

Frank: Vents..

Franks brown eyes scan across the snow-blasted giant steel wall. He looks up to underneath the metal grating of the awning, before looking back down, seeing a small, lightless patch surrounded by footprints and a large indentation in the snow. he gets on one knee and examines it

Lynch: Finished, Sherlock?

Frank: Foot..prints..

Phil, Lynch, Mr. Dibbley, Steve and Dave follow them before walking headfirst into the steel wall. Frank looks into the vent andpoints out the feet of Snake crawling into the vent.

Phil: What a dumbass! STEVE! The honours to you!

Steve grins and pulls out a grenade from the side of his combat-vests belt

Steve: You're dead, Snake!!

Steve throws a grenade in, but Snake throws it out

Lynch: You moron, you forgot to pull the pin

Steve pulls the pin and throws the pin in. He grins, but looks at his hand and screams


Steve starts juggling it in the air like a hotcake.


He quickly rolls it into the vent, they all give a quick sigh of relief, until it rolls back out


Lynch boots it back into the vent and they all dive backwards. Nothing after 5 seconds.

Frank: Are you telling me it was a DUD?!

Mr. Dibbley: A DUD?!

The mercenaries all gather around the vent. Steve leans down and looks into it

Steve: He's going into the Hangar!!

Frank: Thank God, then


Steve: That's bad! They have weapon storage there!

Phil: But not nuclear storage?

Steve: No!

Phil: That’s good!

Steve: But weapon storage! As in THEY HAVE TWO FUCKING SHERMAN TANKS THERE!!


Frank: OH MY GOD!!!

All: WHAT??!! WHAT?!

Frank: I found a penny

Frank leans down and picks up a penny on the concrete

Steve: Ocelots there too--


All: HUH?!

Phil pulls out a lolly shaped like Jesus on the cross and starts sucking it

Steve: And Mr Baker of Armstech, the company that made Metal Gear--

AJ Styles: OH MY GOD!!

Bob: ._.

Awkward silence.


AJ Styles: I have absolutely no idea, again! It's like, always happening!

Lynch: This is BEYOND ridicolous! I’m just gonna shoot you.

Lynch aims his rifle at AJ, who raises his hands

AJ: Woah woah! I can help too, guys! Who was a former TNA Heavyweight and X Division Champion?!


Mr. Dibbley: Fire at Will, I always say

Lynch: Assholes not here. AJ will do.

AJ Styles: No! Guys! I can help you! I can be a....uhhh.....decoy!

Silence. Nodding around the group. Lynch growls and lowers his rifle

Lynch: get ONE chance. You mess up, they’ll be shipping you off in a small box!

AJ: Ok ok!

Frank: Look, can we just go?!

Silence. The sound of the hangar doors opening is heard.

Frank: Ok, we're going in.,...we're going in...

Dramatic music plays as the red hangar doors open, revealing the cold concrete interior. 2 large tanks are situated inside the hangar as well as large metal boxes stacked in piles. 3 guards clothed in khaki Special Forces uniforms with black combat vests, black leg holsters and black woolen balaclavas stand in front of them, FAMAS assault rifles raised, one holding a shield in front of the other 2. They look at them before sighing and taking off their balacalavas to reveal 3 more of our mercenary friends: The rugged, stubbled and slightly-scarred Scotsman Billy, The chiselled, young kebab shop owner Dean and his nigh-on brainwashed Indian manservant all the way from the past-princely state of Hyderabad, Karab

Billy: What took you guys so long?

AJ Styles: I dunno--

Billy: ....Oh for the love of God..

Karab: This is messed up in the head for sure!

Frank: I thought you guys would know?

Dean: Well, there was something fishy when...

Dean side-steps and reveals Slash sitting on top of the Sherman tanks turret, smoking a cigarette

Steve: This is awe-inspiring!

Phil: Steve, are you insane? This isn't awe-inspiring. It isn't even inspiring in a suicidal sense. It's fucking bollocks!!

Slash: Why so heatin' man? I just got teleported here from nowhere

Phil: I ain't heating..but YOU'RE FREAKIN' SLASH!!!

Slash: And?



Slash: Wait..bye guys

Slash disappears in a haze of blue light

Bob: Did I see what I thought I saw?

Silence. They turn to Bob, who now has colour in his face and the bags under his eyes are gone

Phil: BOB! You're alright!!

Bob: Yeah...I just hate being invaded by tentacles..It’s a hottie beneath those tentacles too..and I'm getting r---

Phil: We don't want to know, Bob, we had our own problems back in 2014

Steve: Like, when you had sex willingly with Crying Wolf?

Phil: I didn't know willing sex included kicking, screaming and gunshots. Even in the beauty form, it followed the same pattern. That and the sugar glider getting involved.

Frank: Don’t forget the insane one!

Phil: Courtney too

Steve: -.-

Dean: Well, come in guy! It's fucking freezing out there!

Frank: You try patrolling out there for 3 days before anything happens!

Phil: At least you weren't at the docks

Steve: There were evil things at the docks! Like evil sharks!

Phil: There weren't sharks! It was dolphins!

Steve: I swam with them, and they tried to eat me!

Phil: Well, the water is probably radioactive from the bases waste!!

Steve:.. Wha-T?!

Phil: Never mind, let's get in here

The guys from the outer base patrol finally walk inside, with Vince slowly crawling in and leaning against a wall. The huge red doors shut with a huge thunk.

Billy: Welcome to the suck

Lynch: AGAIN?!

Screen fades.

As the story progresses, so does the progress of our poor mercenaries! Meeting with some more of their buddies, our dunderheads encounter Psycho Mantis, butt-swaying guards, A smell which killed the plants, Elevator Drebin and a Killer Vindaloo! Will they survive? Will they become more insane? And who will Lynch throttle? Find out next week!

1 comment:

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