The Final Day

*The scene opens as dawn breaks over the Middle Eastern town, over Beale Street and Walkers Street at 7:10am. The orange glow bathes both streets, and only one person is walking through the street: Sal, carrying a metal briefcase as he hums to himself. As he walks past The Dog and Handgun, the doors fly open and Jericho lands at his feet, skidding across the sand. Fedor Emelienenko stands in the doorway, throwing jerichos trenchcoat at him

Fedor: I told you to get out, you drunken buffoon! It’s morning time! If you come in here within seven days, I’m going to tear out your spleen and break your arm, you got it?!

Fedor slams the doors, and Sal simply looks down at jericho who stands up, brushing off his white shirt



Jericho: ‘Fuck you looking at?



Sal: Ah, shut it, Jerry. I’m feeling real happy today!



Jericho: Oh yeah? Its 7 in the morning, and you haven’t been out drinking..whats making you so happy?


sal: A mixture of morphine, psychosuppressing pills, and the contents of this briefcase!

Jericho: I sense money.

Sal: If it was, I wouldn’t tell you.

Jericho: Well, it wouldn’t happen to be that Archaeologists van that got hijacked yesterday, would it? That van on the way to Phils house? Carrying tons of Mayan gold from a recent shipment from Archaelogists studying indigenous Mexican pyramids?

Silence.

Sal: Lucky guess, nutcase.

Jericho stares at the brief case, but Sal hugs it close to his chest

Sal: Find your own gold bars!

Jericho: Whatever..I’m just gonna go home..Get some sleep..

Sal: You have a home?

Brick opens the window of the top floor of the Dog and Handgun, wearing only boxer shorts and dogtags on his hairy chest, his eyes mostly closed

Brick: SHUT UP! OR I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL PUNCH YOU FUCKERS IN THE FACE!

He slams the window, cursing loudly. Sal quickly runs off down the street, cackling loudly. Jericho shrugs and slowly stumbles towards Phil, Steve, Wolfs and his house

**8am**

In the Lamb and Flag, Maurice and Moe are busy frying off eggs as Dick slowly rolls his bed up into the bar, revealing several bottles superglued underneath the wall-folding bed. He yawns and stretches, sitting on a stool behind the bar

Dick: Last day..Probably not gonna get much business..Damn Frank..stealing my customers..my money..

He strokes the barrel of a Blunderbuss underneath the counter, next to his trusty Shotgun

Dick: I’ve been saving you, haven’t I sweetie? Yes I have..Yes, Daddy has..

Maurice stands there in the doorway of the kitchen, staring at Dick as he holds a plate

Maurice: Mate, stop sampling yer own shit

Dick: Just gimme my brekafast, Wor Maur..so fucking depressed..

Maurice sets down eggs poached in port and toast with vodka margarine spread on it

Dick: Ahhh...lovely jubbly!

The door opens and That Other Random Guy walks in with Johan in tow, yawning

That Other Random Guy: Well..*Beep*, Bobby and Stoofer are just closing up shop now..

Johan: Me would like some fried-up eggs. Please.

Maurice: MOE! TWO EGGS! COOK EM AND GREASE EM!

Moe: TWO EGGS FRIED JAP STYLE!

Maurice runs into the kitchen and Johan sits at the bar, rubbing his bald head

Johan: So stressful. Time to go to Shadow Moses Island..Johan stressed.

Dick: Why don’t you go and talk to Frank?

Johan: No. He got us into this.

Dick: So..go talk to him!

Johan: Maybe later.

That Other Random Guy: Aye..it sucks ass that he’s forcing us into this..But, its either this or a horrible screaming death

Moe: Its this AND a horrible screaming death!

That Other Random Guy: I know..but sacrificing the Universe too kinda sucks..

The door opens and Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin walk in

Sabin: I will totally agree, but we already trashed Franks Mustang

Dick: Ooo..he loves that car, guys..

Shelley: Oh....cause we kinda shit in the engine..

Sabin: And pissed on the tires!

Shelley: And put the windshield through..

Sabin: Total decimation!

Sabin and Shelley hi-5, sitting down at the nearest table. Johan shrugs.

Johan: I think I will later go and turn that Mustang into a dustbin.

Sabin stares

Sabin: Oh...SWEET!!

Meanwhile, all the way in Beale Street, Stoofer firmly shuts the chop shops shutter closed. Bobby turns the key in the lock and it locks tightly

That Hispanic Guy: Well..thats that done for a while.

They simply stand there in front of the shutter. Bobby scratches his ass.

Bobby: So.....what now?

That Hispanic Guy: I didn’t think about that....

Silence. A gust of wind.

Stoofer: How about we go to the pub?

That Hispanic Guy: YES!

They all rush off through a nearby alley, cutting through the town square and into Walkers Street, arms pumping as they charge through the door of the Dog and Handgun. Silence. They quickly run back out and run into The Lamb and Flag instead as Fedor stands in The Dog and Handguns doorway, cracking his knuckles. In Franks house, He slowly opens his eyes and turns on his side, seeing an already-empty bed


Frank: Huh..Mantis must already be up..


He slips out of bed, wearing boxer shorts and a vest and opens the door, noticing no sign that anyone's up


Frank: Strange..


He smirks and grabs a bottle of bourbon from the table, unscrewing the cap and gulping down the bourbon. He turns around and Mantis is standing there, wearing lacy black lingerie. His eyes widen and he spits out the bourbon.


Mantis: Oh..you got me..all wet..


Moaning comes from Will and Ravens room and Frank looks around nervously


Frank: Oh bugger.


Mantis charges forward, baring her teeth. Frank stares wide-eyed at her

Frank: OHHHH MYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOO--!!!!!!

Mantis pounces on him, and the screaming fills the town, loudest in Phil and Steves house opposite them, where Phil is laying on the couch, practically asleep as he dreams of his time in the Academy...

Jericho: Hey Phil..Look what we got here..Two kegs full of beer, some pizzas, and illegal aphrodisiacs. Lets hotwire Coach Cracknecks Mustang and go to the Female Wing to rock some pleats off their skirts! Does it get much better than this?


Phil: Oh it doesn't, Jerry! Not better than this!


Jericho: Ahh..it's always going to be like this..


Phil: Yeah..what could possibly ruin moments like these?!


The door creaks open and Wolf slinks in, sliding onto the couch and placing his head in her lap, sitting back


Phil: Mmmm...Warm..


He rolls onto his stomach and Wolf looks down at him, grinning and chuckling


Phil: Mm..It really is wa--


He suddenly stops and wakes up, opening his eyes


Phil: Wolf..my face is in your vijay..


Wolf grabs his head and quickly turns it so he was facing her stomach. A loud crack is heard.


Wolf: That better?


Phil: .....Ow


Wolf: Soo..


Phil: Sooo..Shadow Moses Island soon..


Wolf: Oh..cheer up..or I could..strip naked and paint myself gold?


Phil: If I have sex with you, will you stop blackmailing me?


Wolf: It isn't blackmail!! Although..I will say yes to the sex


Phil: Ah-Ha! Since when have you ever said NO to sex?!


Wolf: Never


She leans down and kisses him, rolling him onto his back


Phil: Y'know..at least i'm not Frank..Mantis's KILL after they mate!


Wolf: I don't think she'd kill him..she still gets too much use out of him!


They hear the sound of screams and yells. Phil lifts his head and watches out of the still-open

door as Frank claws at the stone steps of his house, Mantis, practically naked, grabbing ahold of his legs


Mantis: COME ON!!!! JUST ANOTHER QUICKIE!!


Frank: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE OR DEAD!!!


Mantis: Oh, come on, you pussy!


Frank: NEVER!!!!!


Mantis starts to drag him roughly. Frank digs his nails into the ground, but Mantis is dragging him slowly


Frank: SOMEBODY HELP!! OH MY GOD!!


Steve runs into the living room, carrying a fishing rod with a Hersheys Cookies n Creme bar attached to the hook.


Steve: I'm-a coming Frank!!


Phil: Wait!


Steve stops, and Phil leans up, putting a peanut on the end


Steve: Forgot the peanuts! Thanks PHIIIL!!


Steve runs out, wielding the fishing rod and charging at Mantis, the door slamming shut behind him in a quick gust. Sal, who is walking by, watches as Steve hurls the hook at Mantis, screaming wildly


Sal: ..What the fuck?!


Mantis looks at the Hersheys bar and hisses, letting go of Frank and running inside. Frank slowly crawls down the steps


Frank: Oh..god..thank you Steve..


Jericho stumbles near them and looks at Frank as Steve drops the fishing rod and turns back to his, Phils, Wolfs and Jerichos house


Jericho: Hey..he dropped your rod!! OH MY GOD!! AMERICAN CHOCOLATE!!


Jericho dives onto the fishing rod and starts gnawing at the chocolate bar. Mantis immediately walks out and grabs Frank again


Frank: I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU JERICHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
She slams the door behind them. Back in Phil, Steve, Jerichos and Wolfs house, Phil sets his head back down.


Phil: ...So what do wolves do after they mate?


Wolf: Lay claim to their mates testicles.


Phil stares up at her, but she sticks out her tongue


Wolf: Nah..ever heard of the saying 'Wolves mate for life?'


Phil: Wow..they don't stop..NOT EVEN FOR BISCUITS!


Wolf: Nope, not for biscuits, not anything!


She kisses him, wrapping an arm around his neck, but Phil is busy thinking


Phil: So what about sugar gliders?


Wolf: Good in bed.


Phil raises an eyebrow, and Wolf looks away, whistling. Phil simply shrugs.


Phil: Well..can't say I know. Me and Tavi never went that far.


Wolf: Why not?


Phil: Human and Anthro?..Could never live that down..


He stands up and walks to the table, dramatically sad Spanish Guitar music playing


Phil: We got together in Chechnya, during our Academy Units training mission..But I got into a bad way with some Chechen militants we were aiding..I figured it would be best to leave her..keep her safe, y'know? She's hated me ever since..


He turns to Steve, who's standing there playing a Spanish Guitar


Steve: Oh..I'm sorry. I’m sorry, Phil


Phil: It’s ok Steve..


Steve: Sorry. So sorry..


Steve walks to the kitchen, pouring himself from cereal. Phil simply sits at the table, grabbing a cloth and starting to buff up the cloth barrel of his Mk. 17 Assault Rifle. Wolf walks over and kisses him on his cheek.


Wolf: It all happens for a reason, babe


Phil: Ha..I was saving her, and she didn't even know it....We all left something behind in Chechnya..Ivan, 2 dead comrades, Franks sobriety, Sals manifestos, and I left a safe anthro as she fled the border..Thats war, Wolf. There are no heroes..only survivors..Like your infamous Unit..


Wolf looks at him, silently and sadly, placing a hand on his shoulder and gripping loosely, but Phil stands, facing her and placing his hand on the side of her neck


Phil: Why did she come back, anyway?


Wolf: I think..part of it was to see you..


Phil: Ha..She holds no end of animosity towards me..


Wolf lets go and turns around, sitting on the couch and crossing one leg over another, listening to Franks screams


Wolf: But you haven’t let your feelings go, have you?


Phil: I have..I just realized she would never forgive me, s’all


Wolf: Well..she lost a really great guy..but.................I’m sorry..It’s not really my place to place judgment..


Phil: No..it’s ok...maybe one day she’ll learn the truth..


Phil walks over and absent-mindedly rubs her shoulders


Phil: Damn..you’re tense..


Wolf looks up at him, smirking


Wolf: I’ll talk to her if you want..


He rubs more, using his thumbs.


Phil: I’ll talk to her in a minute..I’ll get breakfast first..


She leans her head up and kisses him on the lips. The door flies open and Jericho stumbles in. Both of them break the kiss and face him


Jericho: ....I’ve been drinkinginging..


He falls forward and collapses to the floor instantly. Johan is slowly creeping into the side alley next to Franks house, quickening up when he sees Phils door open.


Phil: I’d kill to live in a normal neighbourhood.


**9:30am**




In The Lamb and Flag, Dick is laying with his head on the bar. Maurice watches him from the kitchen.


Maurice: Poor laddies depressed..Everyones asleep, really


Moe: Except those who are drunk


They look at That Hispanic Guy, Stoofer, Bobby, That Other Random Guy and Johan who are surrounded by lime peels and Jose Cuervo Tequila bottles, singing 'Humanos Mexicanos' at the top of their lungs

Maurice: Gotta give it to 'em..Not even ten in the mornin'

That Hispanic Guy pulls out a bullwhip and snaps it at Dick, who jumps up sleepily

Dick: Huh..wha—

Johan: MORE TEQUILA! STAT!


Dick: Y-Yeah..Ok..Whatever..


Dick slowly turns around and grabs a bottle of Tequila. That Other Random Guy hurls an empty bottle at his head and knocks him out instantly.


Stoofer: D-Dude! Yuou knocked out thee bar man!


That Other Random Guy: Oh…duuuuudeee…


Johan: Merde!

Maurice grabs the hose from behind the bar and points it at them, turning it on. They scream as he chases them outside, spraying them violently with water. Frank, who is about to enter the Dog and Handgun with Screaming Mantis, watches as they all fall outside with Maurice standing over them, spraying them

Maurice: YA FOOKIN DRUNKS!! GIT OUTTA HERE!!


They all stand up, still being sprayed and run off into the town square. Maurice looks at Frank


Maurice: Lovely day, innit?


He walks back into the Lamb and Flag.


Frank: ….Ok


Brick opens the window and looks down at Frank and Mantis


Brick: Go in, Mantis! Fuck off, Frank!


Frank: Come on, guys! Don’t be like that!


Brick flips him the bird and shuts the window. Frank and Mantis enter the door on the right into the pub. In his room upstairs, Brick walks over to a glass case on a dresser next to a large double-bed and kneels down, watching as Mr. Moneypennies curls around a branch


Mr. Moneypennies: Yo dawg, you taking me for the Moses ride, right?


Brick: Damn right snake dude!


Vince walks into the room covered in a towel, drying his ears

Vince: I seriously am not looking forward to this whole shindig again


Brick: What? Running in circles screaming while we get shot at?

Vince: Yeah! I kept meaning to buy running shoes..but..meh..At least that shower kit you bought me for Chrimbos lasting!


Brick: You’re gonna rub expensive shower gel on your feet to stop getting blisters?


Vince: Damn straight.


Brick: That’s like me rubbing caviar on me buttcrack to stop my farts smelling


Vince: You should try it sometime.


Brick puts on a t-shirt and jeans and walks downstairs, where Mantis and Frank are. Bob and Octopus also enter as Brick goes down the stairs


Bob: I think Phils lost it. He’s outside ReLoaded practicing to knock a door and talking to himself.
Frank: He lost it WAY before then

Bob: But..Ah, fuck it. I’m just not looking forward to Shadow Moses..

Octopus: Neither am I..


Bob: YOU’RE not going!!


Octopus and Mantis: Closer to psychoticness.


Frank and Bob look at eachother


Bob, Frank and Brick: Ah shit.


Phil is outside ReLoaded, scuffing his heels


Phils brain: Knock, you dumbass.


Jericho walks behind him, watching him


Jericho: Forgot how to knock on a door, dummy?


Phil: Jericho?


Jericho: Yup?


Phil: Go fuck yourself in the face.


Jericho: Good morning to you too! Why are you here? Re-stocking early?


Phil: Nope, got some shit to do.


Jericho: You do that..the Dog and Handguns got those Chechen poker players in—


Phils leg shudders


Jericho: Oh yeah! You owe those guys money!


Phil: Shut up, Jerry!


Jericho: Not my fault you’re hands suck, and you’re poker face looks like a gurner with

constipation.


Phil: Hey, Jerry, how about you go play cards with the Chechen militants..and I won’t tell them

who’s wives you got pregnant on the mission?


Silence.


Jericho: This. Ain’t. Over.


He points to his eyes and then at Phil, but Phil simply gives him a ‘Wanker’ handsign. Jericho shoves him with one hand and runs off, sniggering.


Phil: Stupid cunt..


He turns around to see the door open with Tavis face, her fur and hair disheveled and crumpled, staring at him. Phil screams repeatedly.


Phil: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! AHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!


Tavi: SHUT UP!!


Phil screams once more, and takes a deep breath


Phil: Jesus! Don’t scare me like that!


Tavi: What do you want?


Phil: We..need to talk about..Chechnya


More sorrowful Spanish Guitar music plays and Phil turns around, looking at Steve



Phil: Steve.



Steve: Yes'm?



Phil: ....Can you get me a Dodo egg for my dinner?



Steve: OH BOY! WILL I!



Steve runs off, playing the guitar rapidly. Phil blinks.



Phil: And this is why I should have never done tequila shooters within the range of a Conscript Office!



He turns to Tavi, whose eyes narrow, and Phil remains straight-faced



Tavi: ...Chechnya?...Come in..


Phils brain: Smooth move.


She simply pulls a chair from behind the door and slides it to near the counter, and she gestures for him to sit down. Will walks by with Raging Raven


Will: Heyyyyy!! Top o' the morning to y'all!


Tavi gives a quick, fake grin


Tavi: And the rest of the day to yourself!


Will: I know..it's because i'm so hot..


Raven: What are you two doing?


Silence.


Tavi: We're going to have a talk.


Will: Hey! Phil! You FINALLY get the talk about the birds and the bees! Good on you!


Phil turns around and shakes his fist at him. Will adopts a Southpaw stance


Will: Queensbury Rules?!


Raven: C'mon! Let them repair what little of a relationship and sanity they have left.


Phil: Jokes on you, Raven. I LOST my sanity!


Silence.


Raven: Plain as the light of the day. C'mon Will..let's get the drinks flowing..


Will: Oh yeah..


They walk off and Phil turns around, Tavi grabs him by the scruff of his neck and pulls him into ReLoaded, shutting the door behind him. Phil sits in the chair while Tavi hops onto the counter.


Tavi: What about it? The fact you abandoned me? Or the fact that I decided to stay rather than come back?


Silence.


Tavi: I hope to God you're not looking up my nightgown, Phil.


Silence. Phil quickly raises his eyes to look into Tavis


Phil: I wasn't!


Tavi: PHIL.


Phil: Look...it wasn't that at all...we were..young, stupid--


Tavi: You were young, stupid, perverted, idiotic, gambling, drunken--


Phil: OK! OK! But the point is I did NOT break up with you for NO reason!


Tavi nods


Tavi: Explain.


Phils brain: What I wouldn't give to be back in Chechnya having my asshole pried open by a crowbar right now..


Phil: Well..I ended up playing..Poker with a bunch of Chechen militants we were supposed to be helping out..You know what i'm like.. Can't play a good hand to save my life..I lost..ended up owing a lot of money...But..these Chechens..Vicious buggers..Every time we went to that village, they were there..leering at me, taunting me, they set our damn truck on fire along with poor Vinnie..So..I broke up with you..because it was safer for you if anything happened to me..The closer you were to me, the more of a target you were to them..I couldn't risk it..


Phils brain: And the same Chechens are in the Dog and Handgun right now?


Other Half of Phils brain: Random Plot Line, Batman! We're gonna die!


Phils brain: No..we're not..Are we? Well, if anything, it's gonna be slow and painful!


Phil gulps.


Tavi: You really shouldn't judge me by my cover..I would have been willing to take the risk with you..You hurt me more by leaving then...but..


She jumps off the counter and holds his face, making him look up at her


Tavi: I can forgive you.....for trying to protect me, that is


He breaks herself from her grip and stands up


Phil: But why did you stay in Chechnya?..Why did you even come back?


Tavi: It was harder from me to escape from Chechnya than you think..I managed to hide in the

back of a Russian munitions truck when they took the village..once I was in Russia, I managed to hide out in Saint Petersburg for a small while when the PMCs started coming to power..eventually, I heard there were pockets of annexed states of freedom all around the world, to mercenaries brave enough and with enough courage to stand up to Ocelots forces and stop him taking over the world..


Phil beams.


Tavi: so naturally, I knew you cowards would be hiding in a place where even Ocelot couldn't get you, and once I got to the Academy, it became clear you people didn't have an ounce of bravery in you..airlifting the thing from London to here..


Phils face falls.


Phil: It was..uhh..Bricks idea..


Bricks voice: Fuck you, Phil! It was clearly Vinces!


Vince: Hey! I thought we all agreed it was Franks idea!


Franks far-off voice: Fuck you all! You bastards!


Tavi: Whatever..and the reason I came back was....well, none of your business...Why do you care? Not like i'm your girlfriend.


Phil shrugs


Phil: Because..


He turns around


Tavi: I will shoot you if you don't tell me the truth.


Silence.


Phil: I wanted you to be..happy


Brick: Whay! Ya Pussy!


Phil: Excuse me one second.


Phil walks out of the door. Silence for a few seconds. Sounds of screaming, punches and chairs being thrown and broken. Phil walks through the door, dusting himself off. Tavi launches at him

and hugs him tightly. Phil simply stands there, bewildered.


Tavi: I am happy..and I can forgive you..


She lets go, and slaps his cheek.


Phil: WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!


Tavi: For being a bastard...AND to get you to forgive yourself.


Phil: ...Not yet, I still got a fight to finish..


Tavi: With who?!



Phil: Gotta repay..Nojjgild.


Silence.


Phil: Blood money.


Silence. Tavi bites her lower lip.


Tavi: Will it make you forgive yourself after?


Phil: Oh yes it will.


Phil reaches into his pocket, pulling out his silver-plated Colt .45 which Steve gave him. Tavi hugs him and headbutts him in the side of his head. Phil stumbles to the side and she walks to the counter


Tavi: Get your ass back alive! Y'hear?!


She reaches under the counter and slams an extra .45 clip onto the counter


Tavi: Need extra?


Phil: Like hell. One clips enough for Three Chechens!


Silence. Phil grabs the cartridge anyway


Tavi: Good.


Tavi looks over her shoulder at the store


Tavi: Well, I gotta go keep Wolf company anyway


Phil: In my house?! Is that becoming a hub or something?!


Tavi: Either way, you better come back in one piece!


She smiles at him and exits, shutting the jingling door behind her


Phil: ....Yeah.


He looks behind him and grins, ducking behind the counter and shoving the door to the backyard open. Courtney is out back, firing a .45 Magnum at a human-shaped target, only shooting at the groin repeatedly. She holds up the Vulcan hand sign, not looking away. Phil looks at the target, but shakes his head and walks past her. He reaches a pile of boxes, covered by a khaki tarpaulin. He pulls off the tarpaulin and flips the catches on the top box


Courtney: Out for the kill?


Phil: You betcha.


He pulls out a disposable Anti-Tank Missile Launcher and grins, throwing it into the air and catching it


Courtney: FUN!


She points her gun to shoot at the tube, but twists it around and shoots at the target, between its eyes. Phil simply stares as Courtney stands there, grinning


Courtney: Have fun!


Silence. Phil pulls a nylon strap from the box, looping it through 2 catches on the launcher and strapping it to his back


Courtney: So who's the unlucky one?


Phil walks towards her, lowering his voice to a whisper


Phil: Chechen militants.


Courtney: ohhhh!! Those guys who are at the Dog and Handgun! Yeah, I heard they cheat at Poker..Plus they're driving that Jeep around and taking photos of the weakest buildings..weird, huh?


Silence.


Phil: Oh yes. Very weird.


Courtney: I'd be thinking they were planning to bomb us for us letting Russia take them over those few years back..But, no-one can hold that big of a grudge, right?!


Silence.


Phil: Where is this Jeep, you say?


Courtney: To the Southwest.


She points the gun at the target and blows its head clean off the shoulders. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a small, black mobile-phone style box


Courtney: Take this..Its a Signal Interceptor..Should be enough to get the low down on where they are


Phil: Thanks babe.


Courtney: ..Eh?


Phil is already in the shop at this point. Courtney shrugs and turns around, admiring her handywork. Phil ducks underneath the counter, watching as Johan, That Hispanic Guy, Brick, Vince, Frank, Crazy Ivan, Dean and Karab start picking the shop clean, Ivan himself tucking several pounds of Semtex and C4 up his sweater.


Phil: ...What the fuck?!


Karab looks at him.


Karab: You did not see anything......right?


Silence.


Phil: You gimme that frag grenade belt you're holding and we'll call it even stevens.


Karab: Bastard!


Dean shrugs and tightens several bullet belts across his chest, spinning two Colt Pythons in his hand


Dean: YEAH BABY!


Phil throws the grenade belt into the air and catches it, walking outside. Ivan is busy shoving Semtex up his top


Frank: hey, Ivan, don't trip, or you'll blow us all to hell!


Ivan: BIG KABOOM?!?!?!?!


Dean: Very big kaboom.


Ivan: KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!


Brick and Vince laugh forcefully, slowly sidestepping to Frank.


Vince: Save us from this man.


Frank: This man is one of our highest rated mercenaries!


Brick and Vince stare at Ivan, who is pretending to ballroom dance with a stick of dynamite


Vince: Did the other mercenaries die or something?!


Frank: No, its just you rarely see mercenaries rarely lay their lives down for the good of the world. They prefer to drink. Like me, naturally.


Frank picks up a bottle of clear liquid and shrugs, unscrewing the top and downing it. Brick twitches as he watches.


Johan: HAHAHA! FRANK DRINK ETHANOL!


Frank wipes his mouth, nodding at the bottle


Frank: Has a certain...tang..to it.


Vince: Frank. You just drank Ethanol.


Frank: Nice, isn't it?


Silence.


Dean: Frank..Ethanol is pure alcohol..You should be dead right now.


Frank looks at him.


Frank: It tastes..nice.


Silence.


Karab: So, the urban legend is true. Frank Daniels blood truly is one hundred percent proof.


Dean: Frank, your blood can pickle an egg. Are you happy with this achievement?


Courtney opens the rear door and stands there, staring at them. Brick flinches.


Brick: Oh fuck.


Courtney cocks the hammer of her gun, grinning evilly


Courtney: Get...out..........NOW.


They all scream and scramble for the door as Courtney fires at them. Dean and Karab jump through the windows and run off to their kebab shop as the others pile through the door. They

quickly run in through the side door and Karab slams it, locking it shut.


**1.30pm**


Karab is standing at the counter, wearing a red and white striped apron, looking bored. Dean is busy reading a newspaper behind him, smoking a cigar.

Dean: Shifts over in half an hour..fancy getting a drink after?

Karab: Please!

Dean: Get several in..Shadow Moses is a-calling!

Karab: I don't see why I have to go!

Dean: You have the shield. We have the cowards. We naturally mix together.

Karab: Ahh..touche.

Dean: Eh?

Karab: ...Nothing

Dean: It's days like this, staring down possible screaming death that I wonder how my brothers doing..

Karab: You have brother?

Dean: Well..yeah


Karab turns to him, raising an eyebrow, but nods


Karab: Ahhhh!! I was wondering who's face you pasted mine over in those family photographs!


Dean: That's right..Samuel Chevrolet..

He stands up, walking towards the side window and looking out into the alley.

Dean: Samuel..The fathers favourite..His youngest son...Oh! Pretty Sammy! Oh! Smart Sammy!
Taught his ass a lesson though..left him to fight off a pack of Skinwalkers in Idaho..that oughta
teach him for being a schizophrenic, demonic little son of a--

Karab: Skinwalkers? They're myth, crazy fool!


Silence. Dean stares at him, but shakes his head and smiles


Dean: Of course..what did I say? Skinwalkers..I mean...uhh...Cannibals..No! I mean..Muggers..Yeah, muggers.

They stare at eachother, and Dean smiles innocently. The door jingles and Karab quickly turns around as Crazy Ivan, Johnny Cash, Drebin, Alex Shelley, Steve and Dave enter.


Dave: Ah! There's always a line!

Dean: Why do people only come when its close to closing time!


Johnny Cash: To piss you off, boy! Now shut up!


Dean: ....bastard..


Cash: You say something, son?!?!


Dean: Nothing! Nothing at all!


Cash: Damn straight.


Crazy Ivan: Vell..I guess i'll have..ze..battered sausage..chips..and curry..


Dean folds the newspaper and stands up, walking into the kitchen in the back.


Dave: You best not be stomping on rats back there!


Deans voice: Fuck you, Dave! Our sausage is prime Iguana meat!


Karab hands Ivan his order, and Ivan takes the polystyrene tray, setting down some money and walking out


Drebin: Hotdamn! Why haven't Drebin Points caught on yet?


Karab: Way too cheap. Money rules.


Drebin narrows his eyes


Drebin: You'll regret that, greasy boy.


He clicks his fingers and Little Grey jumps out from the back of his shirt, screaming wildly and jumping onto the counter, latching itself to Karabs face. Karab screams and runs around as Little Grey slaps him repeatedly. Alex Shelley watches, clapping and laughing. Cash growls and slams the counter.


Cash: I ain't got all day!


Shelley: Ahh...almost as hilarious as Phil out there, talking to a sugar glider as he tunes his mobile phone...I love this place!


As Ivan walks outside, he steps back as That Hispanic Guy drunkenly tumbles at his feet. Ivan nonchalantly steps over him, and he watches as Phil heads into the square. In the square, Bill and Sal are busy talking, with Bill putting notes into Sals hands


Bill: Five-Ten, Five-Twenty, Five-Thirty--


They stop and whistle innocently as Phil walks through the square. As he passes through, they go back to counting


Bill: Five fourty..and five fifty! Now cough up.


Sal reaches into the briefcase, pulls out a solid gold bar and puts it into Bills hand. He sniffs it and bites it.


Bill: REAL mayan gold! Fantastic!


Sal: Dude! Don't bite it! I found that bar in the inside of a mummies bandages


Silence. Bill spits repeatedly onto the ground.



Bi: I TASTE DEATH!


Sal: Calm! Thats just the oils of a several thousand year old corpse adding extra..flavour


Bill vomits onto the ground, getting on all fours


Bill: YOU FUCKING BASTARD!


Sal: That's me, and all in the name of money.


Sal locks the briefcase and walks a few steps, only for Ivan to stand in front of him


Ivan: Vell, vell, vellll....If it isn't Sal Porpington..Vats in zat briefcase?


Silence.


Sal: Papers.


Ivan: For vat?


Silence. Bill retches some more.


Bill: I TASTE MUMMY GOO!!!



Silence.



Sal: A court case?


Ivan: Concerning ze poisoning of Bill from a vone vousand year old mummy?


Silence.

Sal: ...Yes?


Ivan: And it isn't Mayan gold stole from the back of a truck heading for Phils house, which he so desperately wants as payment to decode his manuscript....right?


Sal: Yes!


Ivan: How about you pay me a gold bar, and ve von't be seeing your guts strewn avout ze place..yes?


Sal: Blackmailing bastard!


Ivan: Yes..vell..I am ze one voted most likely to kill everyvan in this town..


Sal: Really?


Johnny Cash walks by, eating a bag of chips



Cash: Damn! I hoped that would be my title!


Bill slowly crawls around, holding his gold close. Sal sighs and slams a gold bar into his hand.


Sal: Oh..there!


Ivan: HEHEHEHEHEHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!


Ivan cackles loudly and runs off, past a dumpster where Phil is kneeling behind and into Drebins Pawn Shop. Phil is listening intently as a jeep starts to roll through the street, through a barricade which a bulldozer had recently cleared. He flips the lid of the dumpster open and angles the launcher in it as the jeep whirss by.


Phil: SAY CHEESE, CHECHEN BASTARDS!!


He flips the switch and a rocket fires out, leaving a trail of smoke. It collides with the jeep, sending a huge plume of orange and yellow flames and thick black smoke into the air. A charred body slumps out of the jeep and the wall of the building closest to the jeep has been blown off into rubble. Phil stands up triumphantly


Phil: I am fr--


A crowbar smashes into the back of his neck and a Chechen, bald and scarred, wearing a tight eyepatch, blue windbreaker, desert camouflage pants and red boots stands over him. Sal, in the town square watching this, whistles innocently and walks away. Frank peeks his head out of a building behind and opposite Sal


Frank: Psst..Sal..What was that explosion just now?


Sal: Oh..Just Phil..


Chechens voice: You not pay money. You kill friends. You leave me alive..YOU PAY.


The sound of fighting and hissing


Tavi: YOU BASTARD!


Chechen: YOU DEMON! YOU NOT EVEN HUMAN! I RID WORLD OF YOU!


Sal simply nods


Sal: Told you so.


Frank: Has he got it covered? Those Chechens are mighty mo--


Phil: FUCK! MY HAND!



Sal: Him? Covered?


Tavi rolls into the square weakly, clutching her head


Tavi: Damn Chechen..He can punch..


She spits some blood onto the pavement, looking up at Sal


Tavi: Take a picture..it lasts longer..


Frank: So does--


Frank screams like a girl as Phil and the Chechen collapse through the wall of his building. He runs out and Tavi rushes around the corner, jumping in with them, but the Chechen kicks Phil backwards into Tavi. They fall backwards and the Chechen follows them


Chechen: Time to die.


Frank: NOT IF I CAN HELP IT!


He jumps at the Chechen, who turns around and punches him square in the jaw. Frank collapses backwards, but Phil rushes forward and jumps onto his back, locking in a Sleeper Hold


Phil: NIGHTY NIGHT CHECHEN!


The Chechen turns and Tavi grabs a Wyatt Earp revolver from her belt, cocking it and shooting the Chechen in the head. Phil jumps off him, his head and chest covered in blood and brain matter. The man collapses to the floor, dead.


Phil: ...Ewwww...


Tavi: You're welcome..


Phil: Typical Tavi..Still hasn't lost the urge for the kill..


Tavi: Typical Phil..still hasn't lost the urge to get his ass kicked..


Phil slowly wipes himself free from the dead mans brain matter and sal walks over, patting his back


Sal: Well, at least you survived more than 5 seconds..


All 3 of them turn and look down at Frank


Phil: Moron..


Phil turns around and quickly kisses Tavi on the lips. She stands there, surprised, eyes wide


Tavi: ....Uhh..


Phil: What?


Tavi remains silent, her tail twitching happily


Tavi: Nothing..just--


Wolf walks into the square, grinning and clapping


Wolf: I'm glad you two got together..you're such a lovely couple..


Silence.


Phil: Who said any--


Tavi: I know..I'm glad too..Chechnyas in the past, and we can build a future..


Phil: What the--



Wolf: Yes..I invited the Chechens to come over, because I know you and Tavi love eachother so much..and you both love me..



Phil stands there, mouth open. Frankand Sal watch, sniggering as Tavi leans in and kisses him on the cheek, her tail wrapping around his neck


Wolf: Phils going to be polyamorous aren't you?


Phil: HELL N--


Wolf: Oh..you sweetheart! I love you too!


Wolf and Tavi hug Phil tightly, and he stares at Sal. Sal simply shrugs him off and turns around


Sal: Pub time.


Tavi and Wolf let go of Phil and hi-5, kissing eachother before turning and kissing Phil


Wolf: See you in the Lamb and Flag


Tavi: Boyfriend..


Tavi shakes her ass at him and winks, walking off hand in hand with Wolf. Phil stands there in disbelief


Phil: OH MY GOD! I'VE GOT ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND!


He starts screaming and crying wildly, falling to the floor and convulsing. Ivan walks out of Drebins shop, wearing a silk Italian suit and golden eyepatch, looking at the wreckage of the jeep, and Franks unconscious body, and Phils crying and screaming body


Ivan: Vhy do I alvays miss the good stuff?


**6pm**


Most of the mercenaries are in the Lamb and Flag, as the day of returning to Shadow Moses draws closer. The Dog and Handgun has locked its doors for the final time in a long time, and so has Dean and Karabs Kebab-O-Rama. Drebin is at the bar, standing next to Robbie with a briefcase opened. Dick watches sadly.

Drebin: So..Robbie..Can I interest you in..THIS?!

Drebin pulls a handkerchief from his briefcase and flips it, it unfolds in mid-air and an M4 falls into his hands

Robbie: You gimme one of those magic handkerchiefs and we gotta deal!

Drebin: NO! MY MAGIC HANDKERCHIEFS!

Drebin clutches a handkerchief and flicks it, letting two grenades fall out

Drebin: AHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!

Robbie stares at one of the grenades

Robbie: That one doesn't have a pin.

Dick screams and crawls over the bar, grabbing the grenade and throwing it through the window, the bar lighting up in a yellow explosion

Drebin: I call that the mystery package..

Robbie: ...Seriously. I want one of those handkerchiefs.

Drebin grabs two and juggles them, they unfold in the air and he catches two Sawn-Off Shotguns in his hand. Tom Morello, who is at the bar ordering a drink, watches him

Morello: Amateur.

Drebin: Oh yeah? You can do better?

Morello pulls the head and neck off his guitar, revealing a Flamethrower

Drebin: Pathe--

Morello then flicks two hidden catches on the guitars body, revealing a grill for a barbecue

Robbie: I'll have that!

Morello: It ain't for sale..but I do have..

Morello pulls a fishes head out of his back pocket and pulls it over his head. That Random Guy walks downstairs from the upstairs room and looks around the bar

That Random Guy: Hi Dick, Hi Robbie, Hi Drebin..Where's Tom Morello? I heard him.

Morello stands there, blinking. Robbie rolls his eyes, but Drebin is staring at Morello..or at least..

Drebin: I say! He's gone! All I can see this walking fish! It's amazing!

That Random Guy: I know!

Frank Sinatra walks over and growls, pulling the fish head off Morellos head. De La Rocha, Brad Wilk and Timmy C, sitting at their own table, applaud

De La Rocha: FISH HAT!!! IT'LL SAVE YOUR ASS!!

Robbie simply blinks

Robbie: Drebin. I'll take the M4.

Drebin: Good choice, sir

Morello: DON'T ACT LIKE YOU'RE UNIMPRESSED!!

He storms off, but That Random Guy follows him

That R: I LIKE IT, TOM!!!

Robbie takes the M4 and sits at the bar, giving the thumbs up to Phil, who is sitting at a table with Steve, Vince, Sal, Dean, Karab, Tavi and Crying Wolf, wearing a neckbrace. Tavi has her head in her hands, looking at Phil dreamily. Karab is looking edgy next to her


Tavi: ..I love you Phil..


Phil: I..uhh..love you too?


Wolf sighs happily


Wolf: I love both of you..


Phil leans over to Dean


Phil: Kill me. Please.


Dean: No can do, buddy.


He pats his back and Steve pats Phils back too


Steve: Phil..I do worry about you sometimes


Phil smiles and sits up slowly, scuffing Steves hair


Phil: Y’know Steve? You’re like that insane little brother I never had!


Ivan looks over from his, Rage Against The Machines, That Other Random Guy, That Hispanic Guy and Stoofers table


Ivan: I thought I vas the little brother you never had!


Phil: More like the cousin three-times removed!


Ivan: Sveet!


That Hispanic Guy: Fucking insano.


Ivan: Fuck you, vanker!!


Ivan jumps to his feet, and Stoofer stands up, growling at him. Shamrock turns around at his, Randy Coutures, Chuck Liddells, Fedor Emelianenkos, Rashad Evans and Michael Bispings table


Shamrock: ooooo!! Fight!


Johnny Cash: Break their legs!


Both of them simply sit down, and the bar boos


Maurice: Bastards!


He turns to his table of Moe, Brick and Jon


Maurice: Believe this kids? Not fighting when we want blood!


Jon: Oh, you'll be getting it at Shadow Moses! NOT ME!


Brick: Shut up, cocksucker, or I'll jam my foot so far down your throat you'll be shitting toenails for weeks!

Jon: You're so mean, Brick! This is why we never had a meaningful relationship in the Unit!


Silence. The whole bar turns to face them. Brick remains straightfaced, grabs his bottle of Budweiser and smashes it over Jons head, knocking him out


Brick: Lies and slander.


Bobby: Well on the topic of familia.. me and Johan are actually 3rd cousins


Will sniggers


Bobby: What?


Will: Really? Nah..you’re just doing that funky ghetto stereotype thing! S’all cool


Johan: We’re 3rd cousins.


Silence.


Will: Ok..Suuuuuuuure


Johan grabs Will by the collar of his suit and lifts him high, but Phil rushes over and grabs Johans huge arm


phil: NO! JOHAN! YOU’LL WASTE VALUABLE ENERGY PUNCHING THE FUCK!


Will: Fuuuck you!!! GACK!


Johan tightens his grip before dropping him


Phil: Good Johan..Now what do we say?


Will scrambles up onto a stool and looks at Johan, breathing heavily. Johan shrugs


Phil: No! We look at him


Johan turns to face Will who flinches


Phil: Smeeeeeee...ggggg...


Johan: ...Smeh..Sma..Smeg!


Phil: Heeeaaaaa...ddddd..


Johan: Had..Her...Head! SMEGHEAD!


Will stands there, dumbstruck as the bar bursts out laughing


Johan: You is smeghead!


Will: FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU BOTH!


Phil: Ahh...sorry Will, don’t get your panties in a twist!


Will: For your information, its a thong!


Silence.


Dick: ...Jesus Christ!


Will: And its chafing! So leave me be!


Frank: Will..you’re fucking weird


Will: Go fuck yourself cockfuck


Tavi: Stop swearing!


Will: Fuck you fucker


Phil: OI! MOTHERFUCK! SHUT IT!


Will: Or what fuckface cockbitch?


Moe stands up and hurls a pint glass, smashing off Wills head and making him collapse


phil: THANKS MOE!


Moe gives the ‘Ok’ hand gesture and sits down. Phil sits down with Frank, Sal, Vince and Steve again


Sal: How did we ever get into this?


Phil: We went through the academy, no-one thought we would be like this


Vince: Remember our class?


Training Academy
2 years into course
1st day into 2nd year of course


The hazy flashback cuts to a rugged grey-haired, old teacher, wearing a white vest, red gym shorts and sneakers with a silver whistle around his neck. in front of a chalkboard, scratching chalk into it roughly and putting it down. He turns around, stroking his scraggly beard


Teacher: Ok idiots! Pay attention!


Class: Yes Mr. Lynch..


Lynch: Now, hands up if you think being a mercenary is all about shooting big guns, drinking beer and having sex with fine women?


Everyones hand shoots up, including a young Phils, Steves, Vinces, Sals, Deans, Jons and Wills, who’s hand is shaking frantically


Lynch: YOU’RE ALL RIGHT!


A huge cheer goes up, but Lynch swipes his hand across his throat and the class gulps, silencing


Lynch: But you need to realize it won’t always be like that! Women..Al Bundy!


The door opens and Al Bundy, wearing his royal blue Polk High uniform with his pants covered in grasstains, still wearing his helmet, marches in. He takes it off and waves to the class


Bundy: Listen here you morons! If you think a woman is good fun, you better run! You see..when you’re a mercenary, you can either be on the side of a woman, or fight a woman...NEITHER are good!


Sal raises his hand


Sal: Isn’t that sexist?


Lynch takes off his shoe and hurls it at Sal, hitting him on the forehead and knocking him out


Bundy: NO! Now, if you are fighting a woman..she will kill you! No exceptions! They are sneaky, they appeal to your testosterone! The moment they flash their breasts, they can and they will put a bullet between your barren eyes faster than you can say ‘Oh Momma’! Now, if you have one on your side, she will haunt you. She will cling, but she won’t shoot. She will expect you to shoot for her! To top it off, you will get pounced and sexed more times than a horny gorilla! And that is women!


The class cheers and salutes Al Bundy, who waves gratefully and trudges off


Lynch: Football coach Al Bundy there..


Phil is the only one taking notes at this point. Sal comes to.


Lynch: And men..there will be times when you hate life, and want to put your gun in your mouth and pull the trigger! But you can’t! For you are the first, and I sure as fuck hope NOT the last line of defence! It is your job to assault and assault until the enemy screams bloody fucking hell! You are to persevere! You look around! ALL OF YOU!


Everyone looks around at their classmates


Lynch: THEY are your team-mates! You will eat with them, sleep with them--


Will starts sobbing hysterically


Lynch: Fight with them, alongside them..YOU ARE ALL BROTHERS!


A huge roar of approval goes up as the crowd jumps to their feet


Lynch: NOW WHO WANTS A PINT?!


Frank kicks open the door


Frank: THE HEAD HONCHO CLASS DEMANDS A PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Vince: That explains a lot.


Sal: You really think Franks gone as far to get Coach Lynch back?


Phil: How old would Lynch be by now? His late 40s? Maybe he’s retired..Who knows? It can’;t be worse than the academy.


Steve: I remember when he looked you in a cage, Phil!


Vince: Oh yeah! Dangling from the ceiling, in a cage, all because you giggled at the word ‘poop deck!


Dean: Oh yeah, Vince? How about the time he forced you to do 2 laps on a ring of hot coals because you called Lynch ‘Minch’?

Sal: What did Minch even mean?!

Vince: I thought it was funny at the time!

Dean: Funny? You’re whacked man.

Will leans over to their table

Will: Look, pansies, The last time Lynch saw 40 was 1940. The battlefields way too advanced for guys like him now..

Karab: They said that about guerillas and mercenaries.

Maurice leans over too.

Maurice: Exactly. But..I doubt Lynch will be here..

Vince: No offence, Wor Maur, but weren’t you in Lashes class?

Training Academy
1 year 6 months into course
671 days into course

The flashback cuts to a class where the teacher is standing in front of a chalkboard with his arms folded, his face entirely covered with bandages apart from a few holes in his nose, mouth and eyes to see and breath. He’s wearing a long leather coat, leather gloves and desert camouflage fatigues. He growls like a dog from underneath the bandages as he watches the class copy notes intently. We cut to a younger Obese Maurice, who is much thinner than he is today. Next to him, on several stacked chairs, sits Moe, who looks slightly younger too.

Lash: STOP WORKING!

The class immediately puts down their pencils and look up at Mr. Lash

Lash: Now, you little pussies and faggots, The reason I got you to copy down these attacking formations is because it’s up to us to show some semblance of intelligence and aggression! Everyone knows the Head Honcho class is a bunch of elitist faggots, while the normal soldier classes are practically fucking useless if it wasn’t for Coach Lynch, Coach Garrott or Coach
Cussion! WE ARE THE FUTURE! Got it?

Class: WHY AYE!

Lash: Many of you may be from Newcastle, you may be from Dubai, you may be from Chechnya, you may be from Middlesbrough, one of you has the balls to be from the Arctic!

It cuts to a penguin sitting in a chair at the back of the class, staring blankly at Coach Lash.

Lash: But put your area rivalries asi--Maurice! Were you going to stab Muldew because he’s from Middlesbrough!

Maurice, who had pulled out a switchblade and Muldew, who had pulled out a combat knife, quickly holster their weapons

Maurice and Muldew: No sir.

Lash: Damn straight! There are no Geordies! No Smoggies! No Chechens! No Persians! No Penguins! You are all SOLDIERS and TACTICIANS. You are a UNIT. A hopeless Unit, but a Unit all the same!

The penguin chirps loudly and slaps its flippers together

Lash: OI! MR. DIBBLY! SHUT IT!

The penguin stops

Lash: The fact is, at this moment in time, Cowardly little faggots from PMCs are getting their balls injected with nanomachines because they are impotent little douche-fags! They can’t shoot without drugs! But the soldiers at this academy are home-trained and home-skilled, meaning you will outrank them! How do I know? The PMCs even have a unit of women! WOMEN?! They call them FROGs! FROGS?! That’s a fucking reptile! I hold no end of animosity to you all, but even you useless little fuckers could wipe them out, right?!

Class: RIGHT!

Lash: Are you going to kick some ass?!

Class: YES!!

Lash: Damn right! Now, to Lunch!

Maurice stands up and pounds his chest

Lash: Jesus Maurice, calm down!

Maurice: Is there...pudding?!

Lash: ...Yes!

Moe jumps onto his desk

Moe: PUDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lash Ok--

The wall smashed and showers the back of the class with platser. Mr. Dibbly chirps irritably and runs forward, sliding on his belly. The shower of plaster stops to reveal a student with his legs over his shoulders, twitching violently. Lash looks through the hole to see Coach Cussion standing there in front of his wide-eyed students

Lash: Jesus Con! You need to lay off the steroids!

Cussion: CON CUSSION SMASH! CON CUSSION CRASH!

Lash grabs a speaker and talks into it

Lash: We need horse tranquilizers in room A-13. STAT.


Maurice: Just be thankful it isn’t Coach Cussion..Crazy motherfucker.

Moe: Whatever happened to Mr. Dibbley, anyway?

Maurice: We put him on sniper duty here. He’s on the outskirts of towns, just laying there.

Phil: Invite the dude for a drink!

Maurice: He’s a penguin, Phil mate.

Dean: Who cares? We’ve got psychotically horny women, a porn star, an archeologist, gang members and god knows what else, a penguin won’t harm us!

A penguin, wearing a top hat and carrying a cane slowly walks through the doors. The whole bar turns silent and turns wide-eyed to the penguin

Mr. Dibbley: I say, old bean, I don’t suppose you could fetch me a glass of Drambuie, could you? I heard everyones going out for a little bit of fisticuffs in Shadow Moses, and I think I better put my resume in to go to battle!

Silence.

Mr. Dibbley: Yes. Stare at the talking Penguin with an upper-crust accent, you blue-collar fiends.

Will (Quietly to Vince): Dude. That penguin is totally talking. Am I high?

Vince shakes his head

Vince (Quietly): Unless i’m high too!

Mr. Dibbley: I think you’ll find you are not experiencing any drug-related effects, old chap.

Phil: Dude. That penguin can talk.

Jericho flings open the doors and Dibbley chirps wildly, waddling to turn around and face
Jericho. Jericho simply looks down at the penguin, which looks back at him.

Jericho: .....There’s a penguin in the bar.

Maurice: Aye, its Mister Dibbley! From Coach Lash’s class!

Mr. Dibbley waddles around to Maurice and tips his hat at him

Mr. Dibbley: Maurice! Good to see you alive and well!

Jericho: The penguin can talk. It talks like a posh man.

Phil: We’ve had blue swirly things, Mahatma Gandhi, psychotic sexy women and you’re complaining about a talking penguin?!

Mr. Moneypennies slowly peers from Bricks pocket and looks at Mr. Dibbley

Mr. Moneypennies: Fo shizzy, dizzy! You ingest the toxic coolness too?!

Mr. Dibbley: If by ‘toxic coolness’ you mean a rather hazardous amount of toxic waste and nanomachines, then yes. You see, I was sniping at a point where PMCs frequently dumped waste! As such, before I knew it, I could talk! And in this cool accent! Seems that my years at London Zoo before Lash liberated me from confinement weren’t spent clapping my flippers for fish after all!

Silence.

Raven: A penguin..that talks.

Maurice: Come sit down with me, Dibbley mate!

The bar slowly turns back to normal as Dibbley waddles over and sits at Maurices, Moes, Bricks and Jons table. Jericho shakes his head and slowly goose-steps over to Phil, Steves, Vinces, Sals, Deans and Karabs table

Jericho: Amazing. Simply amazing.

Phil: What?

Jericho: Carling for a quid..How can they afford to keep this place open?!

Dean: I know! It’s sweet, ain’t it? Cheap booze, sexy women, and best of all, good friends!

Bar: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!

Vince: Well, at least we’re safe friends..and Frank didn’t--

A trainered foot violently comes from the pane of glass on the left door of the Dog and Handgun.

Jericho: Oh...my...God.

Mr. Moneypennies: Shizz dude! Its the Lyncher!

The bar goes silent and another pane is broken as a foot goes through it. The door is booted open and the chisel-faced, black, shaven-haired, growling and toned Coach Lynch stands in the doorway, wearing a white t-shirt, red gym shirts, black sneakers and a silver whistle tied to a cord around his neck. He sneers and walks a few steps in

Lynch: LISTEN UP YOU FUCKING FILTHY MAGGOTS!!!

Silence. Steve gulps and Sal starts shaking

Lynch: Alright..words got around that Frank Daniels wants me to lead your worthless, coawrdly asses into battle..AND I SAY YES! ME AND DANIELS WILL LEAD YOU INTO SHADOW MOSES YOU FUCKING BITCHES!

Still silence.

Lynch: I CAN’T HEAR A CHEER!!!!!!

Forced cheering. Lynch swipes across his throat and they all gulp, going silent.

Lynch: Alright then..Since....WHERE IS MY SECOND IN COMMAND?!?!?!?!?!?!

Jericho stands up

Jericho: Speaking.

Lynch looks at him and laughs cruelly

Lynch: I don’t want a chain-smoking, alcoholic psychopath helping lead this men! Consider yourself demoted!

Jericho: Fuck you!

Lynch: Stop repeating your momma, Jericho, or i’ll stuff my boot so far down your throat you’ll be shitting laces until Christmas!

Jericho: Oh yeah? I think I could fuck you up worse than your face looks!

Lynch takes off his whistle and slams it on the bar, stomping towards Jericho. Jericho adopts a fighting stance. When Lynch gets near, jericho takes a swing, but Lynch ducks and stands, digging two fingers into his nostrils and pulling up. Jericho flails and stomps wildly, only for

Lynch to hit him with his right hand and knock him down to his seat.


Lynch: SIT THE FUCK DOWN!!


Lynch takes a few steps back and scans the bar


Lynch: PORPINGTON!!! YOU PRESENT?!?!


Sal: Th-th-third in command, sir!


Lynch: COUNT YOURSELF PROMOTED!!


Sal: WOO--


Lynch: Don’t.


Sal quickly quietens down, saluting Lynch


Lynch: Now I need a 3rd in command..whats your name, widebody?!


Lynch turns to Maurice


Maurice: Maurice Smoglin, ya know.


Lynch: Smoglin, eh?! I have no idea who you are!


Maurice: A year below these dudes, was in Mr. Lashes class!


Lynch: Lash, eh?! Count yourself 3rd in command! Who knows, maybe you could drill some sense and tactics into these guys!!


Maurice stands and salutes him. Lynch returns the salute and Maurice sits down. Lynch turns to face them all and scans the room, talking to himself


Lynch: Nolastname! You actually survived?!


Phil: Yes..


Lynch: I’ll be damned! You fix that taste in crazy women you psycho, or should we send you to the front and back again in a bodybag?!


Phil: Sir, no sir!


Lynch: Goddamn Nolastname! You better be handy with a gun!


Phil: Sir, I can hit a bullseye from 50 paces with a Colt, sir!


Billy: ..Show-off.


Lynch: Wallace! A least Nolastname impresses me! You couldn’t impress the goddamn Elephant Man!


Billy: OH YEA?! I could blow a flies wing off from 2 miles away through a sniper scope!


Phil: Snipers. We groundmen are better!


Lynch: Stop arguing, pussies! In this unit you are all equally worthless! LLAREC?! Are you telling me YOU survived?!


Steve: Yeah.


Lynch: MY GOD!! You mean you didn’t run into the bullets?! Goddamn I ought to give you a medal just for lasting this long! But I bet we’ll be sending you back home in a tiny cardboard box when you sit on a mine!


Steve: I disarm mines, so NYAH!

Ivan: Vell, Votterdam..I am ze most proficiant in explosives here..


Lynch: Goddammit Hellgenstrand! Last time I saw you, you were tying dynamite sticks to the back of the Khvatka PMCs back in Siberia!


Ivan: You make me blush, sir.


Lynch: SCHMICKER?! You survived too?! AM I high or are you just smarter than you all look!!


Brick: Uhh..yeah?


Lynch: ENOUGH CHIT-CHAT! DOWN TO BUSINESS!


Lynch looks around at the silent, straight-faced mercenaries


Lynch: Silence! Even you, LaMarr! Thats a first, you could never shut your mouth long enough to not compromise our position!


Vince: Whatever.


Lynch: Quiet, cockfarmer! I make the rules and talks around here!Do I make myself clear, especially you, Dibbley?! Who;s only here because we’re going to a fucking snowy-ass place!

Dibbley: Charming.

Lynch: Quiet, cold-balls!! Now the fact is that very soon, you will ALL be at Shadow Moses! For you all, this is probably your 2nd major mission! You failed your first, because you failed to destroy that goddamned Unit of Beautiful Beasts!

Raven: Beauty AND THE Beast Unit..

Lynch: Who the fuck are you, girly?! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!

Raven: Raging Raven. Reporting for active duty.


Silence.


Lynch: Well, I was told the timeloop you stupid fuckers opened up would wreck a lot of stuff, but it looks like it did something good! Nevertheless, YOU won’t be sane for much longer, right?!


Raven: Well..until we’re aligned back with 2014 and thus the common time era--


Lynch: OK! ENOUGH! Anyway, this mission is one of the missions needed to repair this timehole and stop it from turning the Universe into a mass of swirly things! I never thought a bunch of useless morons like you could bend the laws of Quantum Physics, but Professor Fist assures me you all did! But! Now we can wipe out ArmsTech! Those bastards made the Gekkous, so now we can put a axe in the plan by killing President Baker!

The bar remains silent.

Lynch: And destroying Metal Gear and Ocelot and Liquid and what-not! Of course, its about to come back around again, and as such, I pray you are all ready!

Sal: Ready as we’ll ever be.

Lynch: Well..that means almost nothing..

Sal: Can’t you trust us, sir? We won’t screw up. Not now. Not ever. We’re mercenaries!

Lynch: I bet you guys can’t even piss straight!

Silence.

Jon: Not my fault..damn toilet bowls too small..

Lynch: But I will trust you! The first person to fuck up, however, will be in a hospital with a claymore up their ass! UNDERSTOOD?!

They all gulp and nod.

Lynch: OK! Now formalities are over, you can sit here and drink all you want! Personally, Dick, I think i’ll have a pint of Carling!

Without turning around, he reaches into his pocket and slams a note on the bar

Lynch: HIT ME!

Bar: SKOL!

They all raise their glasses in unison

Lynch: Cheers!

The bar slowly returns to its usual self. Lynch takes a gulp of his pint, but slowly walks towards Steves table, sitting between Dave and Bob

Lynch: Anyway...How did you guys get back here?

As the mercenaries walk towards Shadow Moses, a huge blue wormhole appears beside the Hind
Liquid Snake: What the hell is that?

Steve: Blue glowy thing!

Frank: Does it look like its--

Phil: Evil?

Frank: No.

Will: Insane?

Frank: No.

Dave: Moving?

Frank: No--I mean, yeah! It is!

In an instant, they scream and the wormhole swallows them before vanishing.
Silence.

L. Snake: ..........Ah fuck.

Bob: ...........A long plane trip.

Lynch: Bullshit, son.

Dave: The blue swirly thing.

Lynch: See? Much better.

Silence on the table.

Sal: Your not surprised? Not one bit? Even though Professor told you?

Lynch: A hole in the space-time continuum? Sounds like something your morons would do, alright.

Jericho: Gee. Thanks.

Dave: He's got a point.

Billy: Aye..

Frank: Well! At least Shadow Moses isn't until tomorrow! This hole hasn't warped time ye--

-The next day-


Lynch and Frank stand at the front of the line with the mercenaries. All of them are dressed up in winter furs, white leggings, black legbraces and black combat vests. Phil and Steve have cossack hats on.


Sal: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED THERE?! IT WAS LIKE I WAS JUST DRINKING!!

Frank: Calm, men

Billy: MY FUCKING GOD ON EARTH!!!

Lynch: SHUT THE FUCK UP! ALL OF YOU!

Silence.

Frank: Ok men..here we go...Back to Alaska..

Sal: Look, can we just get there?! These things itch!

Dave collapses against Bob from the heat under the thermal fur and ski mask, only for Bob to slap him and Dave comes to

Dave: Thanks ol’ pal!

Frank: Remember: The wormhole has a chance of scattering us across the base as it did when we came back here! It was distorted when we entered it the first time! Don’t worry! Find the nearest mercenary...ANYWAY! ONWARD!! FOR GLORY!!

The mercenaries fire their AKs repeatedly into the sky and Frank walks on, Lynch, however, pushes him out of the way and steps through the portal first, mumbling under his breath. Dick Head watches sadly, but Frank salutes him and Dick nods sadly as Frank steps into the wormhole. Sal waves goodbye to a black woman and blows a kiss at her. The woman points to a wedding ring and Sal points to his before stepping in

Jim: Never knew Sal was married..

Billy: Och, move ya slowcoach!

The PM of Scotland appears momentarily as several bagpipes play

PM: Billy Wallace! As the only Scottish mercenary, we wish you good luck!

Billy: I’ll do ya all proud!

The bagpipes increase in volume as Billy steps in and they vanish instantly when he does. Jim waves goodbye to his redhead girlfriend, Sally, as he steps in. Jimmy cackles and jumps in. Vince steps forward reluctantly and stares into the blue swirling mass

Vince: Uhhh..

Will: Move it!

Vince: Look! Its a giant hole! I really don’t wanna do this shit again! We could be messing with time and space!

Will: You’re too smart for your own good

Will kicks him in the back of his leg and Vince stumbles forward

Vince: OK!


He waves goodbye to his girlfriend who watches from the balcony, weeping into a handkerchief


Vince: Au revoir..j’adore!

Vince finally jumps in and Will walks forward, slicking back his hair


Will: Welllll Raven...I guess the stud-mans saying goodbye and goodnight..


Raging Raven watches, cuddling a lock of Wills hair. Several prostitutes watch from the safety of an alley, crying


Will: Adieu! Shed no tear!


Will dramatically steps into the hole and Dave walks forward, baring his teeth and growling.. The prostitutes step back, but he looks at them and smiles

Dave: Bye!


He leans up and waves goodbye to Dick who is now in tears, seeing his customers leave. Dave fires wildly and yells as he jumps in. Bob walks forward and looks back at Laughing Octopus


Bob: Well..bye babe..if there’s no paradox..


Octopus steps back from the crowd and nods, looking down


Octopus: Goodbye..cara mia..


Mercenaries: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww


Bob: SHUT UP!


Brick (Quietly to Phil): As if he hasn’t got that the story dictates she’ll be killing him soon..


Phil (Quietly to Brick) Best not to, it’ll be funnier when he finds out


They snigger as Bob grudgingly steps through the hole. Dean looks to his side at Karab

Dean: Karab..if I die first--

Karab: I will bring your body home!

Dean: Not that! Just, tell Sammy my last words were "I hate Samuel Chevrolet, that fucking bastard".

Karab: I have no idea who or where this Samuel is.

Dean: You damn well better find out.

Dean steps through and Karab follows, clutching his shield tightly and Brick steps forward

Phil: Whats the weather like?


Brick sticks his head through and pulls it out, his head covered in thick snow


brick: Ch-ch-ch-chillyyy...


Asian Stripper at Dog and Handgun: Hey! Don’t cause a paradox! And don’t lose your head!


Brick: Sorry honey!

He nudges Phil and looks at her

Brick: Chicks dig me

Phil: Yeahhhh..


Brick waves goodbye to his girlfriend and steps through. Phil looks up at Tavi and Wolf, who watch from a window.

Phil: Want me to dance??!!!


He does a little toe-tapping as they watch sadly, Several tears trickling down Wolfs cheek


Phil: Ahh..Bye


Phil salutes Dick who is now buried in his arms outside, sitting at a table. Phil steps through the hole. Obese Maurice waves a sad goodbye to the piemaker, who breaks down in tears

Maurice: Cry not Tim! I’ll be back!

Maurice salutes him and he climbs into the hole. Steve walks to the hole and glances in, only for Phils head to pop through

Phil: Which way to Albequerque?

The mercenaries burst out laughing, and Bricks head appears through the wormhole

Brick: I lost a turn at Atlantis, know where we are?

The mercenaries laugh harder as they pull their heads back through. Steve is busy rolling on the ground laughing, but Johan coughs and Steve scrambles to his feet, brushing off his snowsuit. He looks around and salutes Wolf

Steve: BYEEEEE!!

Wolf is weeping into her arms as Tavi consoles her, and Steve jumps through the hole. Jericho looks around and looks back at Screaming Mantis, who winks at him. Jericho jumps quickly into the portal. Robbie grits his teeth, growling

Robbie: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAYE!!!!!!!!!!!

He jumps into the portal and Stoofer and Johan walk forward, with That Hispanic Guy behind them

That Hispanic Guy: Yes..protect your leader!

Johan looks back at him and grabs him by the straps of his combat vest, throwing him through the portal. Stoofer looks at him, and Johan shrugs

Johan: Better him than us.

Stoofer nods and walks through, followed by Johan. Bobby slowly takes a few steps forward and spins around on his heels, whistling and starting to walk away. Johans hand reaches through the portal and grabs him by the scruff of his neck. Bobby screams and is dragged in violently. Moe walks forward, sighing heavily

Moe: Well...guess i’m last..

Moe turns around and waves goodbye to all of them. The whole street, Jon, Jim and Jimmy, Outer Haven Troopers, Old Snake, Liquid Ocelot, Beauty And The Beast Unit, Rage Against The Machine, Rat Pack, all of them..Wave goodbye to Moe as he steps in. After a few seconds, the wormhole disappears in a blue haze....

==SHADOW MOSES==

Frank collapses onto the snow and leans up, spitting it out before moving his eyes up the body of Liquid Snake, who is standing there with his arms folded

Frank: Mr. Snake!

L. Snake: Call me Liquid you nonce!

Frank quickly gets to his feet and salutes him

L. Snake: Are your other soldiers here?

He glances at the balcony of the helipad where a bright blue flash appears and Vince falls, screaming and thudding onto the railing before pulling himself up

Frank ..Sadly, Yes.

The screen fades to black.