The scene opens up with Frank, sitting beside Mantis on his leather couch reading a copy of The Daily Rant. Bob and Octopus are sitting opposite him, almost asleep in eachothers arms. Frank squints and starts reading the articles with..familiar names..
Odd comedy couple smash ticket sales at O2 Arena
Steve Llarec and his assistant, Midnight Wolf, have recently smashed ticket sales in Wembleys O2 Arena, following their sell-out “Capital Insanity Tour” which culminates at the O2 Arena itself. The pair, which specialize in slapstick, mime acts, and even interpretive dance, claim they’re past as mercenaries for hire helped them heavily. “Oh, it’s a ball, baby!” exclaimed Midnight in her interview with the Herald Times “I’ve always been a Crying Wolf of sorts, but now i’ve turned sadness into humour, dedicated to my lovely jubbly hubby Phil, whom seems to have taken a career in archaelogy. I enjoy being on the tour, bringing such joy to millions, rather than powering them down in a mechanical wolf suit!” Llarec was also optimistic about the success “YAYYY!!! I LIKE ICE CREAM!!! Huh? What? Oh..the tour. Right. THIS TOUR IS GREAT!! I’ve had such a ball, especially backstage sharing the stories of how I once killed a guy with a trident, and how we once came up against a gigantic screaming robot with made puppets out of us! It’s hilarious!”
The tour is being classed as a “Rare kind of comedy which only comes around one a millenium”. Critics outside Llarecs circle of friends are still out on the subject
Link between humans and animals found.
One of mankinds greatest discoveries was realised last night as the link between humans and animals were found. Homo breviceps. to be scientific, was discovered yesterday in England accompanied with a human woman. Both of them were ordering ice creams at the time of the police call. Both human and breviceps managed to fight off 15 armed Raven Sword PMCs before being tasered to the ground. While the human woman managed to kill 6 PMCs, castrate 2 more and behead one on an insane sugar rush, scientists manage to rush in while the woman, thought to be mercenary Courtney Inuko, was kept busy with Raven Sword. Scientists manage to drug the new species and haul her off a van where they have taken her to an undisclosed location for further testing.
Courtney Inuko vanished last night after jail guards discovered that the bars to her cell in Durham Prison were snapped in half, letting her flee.
Fastest number of drinks served in Lazenby
In the Nags Head yesterday, bartender Dick Head managed to amuse the bars patrons and the usual crowd of Raven Sword PMCs by serving up a record number of drinks in record time. Mr. Head managed to serve up 127 drinks within 2 minutes to the sober punters in the Nags Head. Mr. Head claims that it has nothing to do with the rival Half Moon, which also sets a rival to Dicks middle eastern bar, The Lamb and Flag. “So, that stupid cunt Al thinks it’s a vendetta? WRONG. Everyone knows MY bar is clearly the best! Serving up one hundred and twenty seven drinks? I could do that in my sleep standing on my head. Better than Al ever could!” Mr. Murray of the Half Moon rebutted “Go stick it up your arse you dog”. Mr. Head and Mr. Murray deny any allegations of the following arson attacks on both pubs
Crazed Insane mercenary discovers clues to treasure
A mercenary turned archaelogist also ghostbuster also mystery hunter Philip Nolastname yesterday found transcripts in the British Library archives with an enigmatic code, but which details an intense drawing of the fabled Efka Tyrepor, an ancient pot believed to have been used to anoint Christs wounds. When interviewed, Nolastname revealed his ambition: “I am gonna be SO ******* rich if I find it! By the way, mate, know what this symbol means? Looks like the devil with his fly open” Nolastname celebrated his allowance of temporary citizenship in the British Isles
after lengthy custody battles. After many dismissals following Nolastnames constant insulting of Prime Minister Brown and the Queen, he finally got his chance after
discovering an underground cave where cavemen paintings believed to be 1500 years old were. Nolastname was drunk at the time of discovery, and admits that he had no
idea how he got there. A future attempt to crack the code is under way.
Escaped inmate found: Escapes after mass shoot-out
An escaped inmate, Stoofer Enrigue, last night evaded police capture once again. Shortly after escaping from Tijuana, Stoofer was sighted in New Mexico with an assailant believed to be mercenary Billy Wallace. Police managed to acquire a warrant to bring in Stoofer, also accused of murder in the US. Despite Wallace constantly stating that they had acquired Enrigues services, Pieuvre Armament attempted to move onto the convict. However, they were met by mass resistance from Hispanic gang 5 Swords, as well as Wallace and Enrigue themselves. As the chaos unfolded, Stoofer and Billy managed to escape in an unmarked white van. Armament have lost all whereabouts and suspect they have escaped to the Middle East away from where they can be legally detained
Team Ferrari win F1 Grand Prix
Ralph Schumacher celebrated a historic win for team Ferrari in the Formula 1 Grand Prix. Schumacher, flanked by 3 trusty mechanics, one being an unnamed male of hispanic descent, as well as Johan Squier and Bobby Hernandez. Ralph blazed past the competition of Subaru and Honda to claim the title. Some allegations of cheating in the Pit Stops would surface during lap 21, when it was alleged that Bobby Hernandez threw a Subaru mechanic into the crowd, while the unnamed hispanic male
stole his wallet and the hubcaps of the car drove by Team Subaru. After the race, Ralph said “My pit team did awesome, they are the kings of blackma--I mean, mechanics! They sure know how to fix hostag--I mean, tires! This is a great win for the entire team!”. Talking of the allegations, Bobby Hernandez went on to say: “I believe that any evidence will be tampered with. That assholes been
hatin’ on us ever since we galvanized his cousin! The hubcaps mean nothing”
Crematorium shut down after foul-play suspected
Brick Schmicker, owner of Shade of Fire Crematoriums, was fined yesterday and had his Crematorium shut down after foul-play was suspected by the place. Mr. Schmicker, 29, is believed to be in conspiracy to finally hide the body of Jimmy Hoffa, rather than keeping it under the Statue of Libertys skirt. Schmicker has denied all ties to the Chicago Mafia, despite Godfather Jo Mitraisa being seen repeatedly stopping by with bags full of money. Recently, detectives discovered a body resembling that of Hoffas being unloaded from a hearse into the Crematorium. Despite denying allegations that his famous Kung Po Spare Ribs are actually human, CPD shut down Schmickers crematorium, with its highly-insensitive tagline: ‘You kill ‘em, we grill ‘em’
Schmicker was unavailable for comment
Last line of the Memeh-Porpington royalty cast to Asylum
Sal Hoobah Boobah Shlork Michy-Michy Kawow Memeh Porpington, the last line of the Memeh-Porpington royalty, was sentenced to life in Saint Lukes following his plea of Illegal Insanity. Kawow Memeh Porpington, undergoing trial after the assault of 5 members of his psychology group, pleaded illegally insane to his conviction. Kawow Memeh Porpington, a known mercenary in the Middle East infamous for being voted the ‘One most likely to snap hilariously’ by Frank Daniels, Steve Llarrec and Philip Nolastname, admitted he was illegally insane after the case brought forth by his lawyer, fellow mercenary and no longer friend Brick Schmicker, failed. One of the jury, another mercenary and famed pornography star Will Studlin brought forth the guilty verdict to ensure Kawow Memeh-Porpingtons future rehabilitation into society
“Heads of Steel” open successful concert tour at Wembley
One of the greatest alternative bands of this decade, Heads of Steel, opened their tour today with a smashing performance. The two unknown members, known only as Mahoney Bologna and Bologona Judooley managed to rouse the 50,127 fans into a frenzy with their pan-head-smashing music, accompanied by thrashing drums and a guitar played by Tom Morello. Heads of Steel kept their fans begging for more, featuring such tracks as “I Want To Murder Your Face”, “Armageddon 2”, “Random Title Track For The Win”, “We’re The Mercenaries You Laugh At” and “Steel For Real”
They are expected to be the main highlight of the main stage at the Leeds Festival later this year.
Bomb scare at Nuclear Power Plant in Holland. 2 men escape Praying Mantis PMCs
In a giant scare yesterday afternoon, mercenaries Jericho Kingston and “Crazy” Ivan Hellgenstrand yesterday thankfully didn’t uphold their threat to detonate a kilogram of Semtex placed around a nuclear power plant close enough to the coast to potentially cripple Holland. Several Praying Mantis PMC were called to the scene by concerned workers after spotting Kingston juggling heavily radioactive isotopes, after discovering the Semtex, the workers managed to quietly evacuate. However, as Praying Mantis surrounded the building and stormed it, it was discovered that both mercenaries had escaped. Their motive and whereabouts are unknown, and Praying Mantis managed to successfully disarm the primed Semtex. Several government skeptics believe it to be a ploy for the Praying Mantis PMC to show their authority
“Bra Busting Beasts” smashes XXX records
The latest buzz for Otselotoya Khavatka PMCs stationed in Tokyo is not the cusine, the culture or even the insane whittlings of an old man: Pornography means big bucks in Japan, and former mercenary Will Studlin, blessed in a certain part of anatomy, takes his trademark moustache and meat-and-two-veg to the record books as the newest film, Bra Busting Beasts, where he co-stars with a woman known only as Screaming Raven. The film has now gained over 5 million rentals, safly securing its place in the record books. When asked about the film, which revolves around Will “battling” the aforementioned beast, he stated: “It’s always been a mix of personal hobbies of mine: Shooting and sex. I bring sex to the battlefield, and I bring the battlefield to sex. I am a man of many talents, speaking of which, have you seen me? Not even a salami can beat that!”
Two builders mess-up: Create first ever upside-down building
Despite being dubbed to be Dubais next biggest attraction, it caught the wrong type of attention..constructers Vincent LaMarr and Bill Sykes managed to build the Earth Needle upside down, and unveiled in front of a large crowd of 125,000 onlookers. With the needle stuck firmly in the sand, both men were fired from their posts immediately. The building is thought to be completely unusable and unstable, and demolition of the $600,000 project will begin next month. LaMarr said “Ahhh! These Dubai morons are just anally retentive cause they make millions in oil! We follow the schematics and build it, and they complain when its an innovation! I’m a construction analyst for an army of mercenaries near here, and they just don’t appreciate my talents!”. Sykes simply added “It was all Vinces fault. Do not blame me. I followed his blueprints!”
Kebab shop chain attracts police attention
A kebab shop in Chicago, Illinois attracted the attention of the Chicago Police Department earlier today. Dean Chevrolet and Karab Ismael, 22 and 21 years old respectively, deny accusations and heavy rumours that the lamb rotisserie is actually the remains of Mafia insider for the police, Jimmy Screamer. Despite one insider saying they saw that Dean unpacked his meat from a limo and unrolled it from a Persian rug, the police are currently letting the leads go. Mr Ismael said: “Why can’t we be left alone? Fast food is our life! If you Americans want to eat yourself to the grave, why ask about our meat? It tastes good, it’s greasy, just be happy!”
They also deny rumours that the limited offer Chilli Sauce is a result of the landlord getting his hand caught in a mincer.
Moe n Maurices Pies attract record number of tourists to York
York has recently seen a 4% boost in tourism, the highest boost since the announcement of daily Raven Sword parades. The reason? Maurice Smoglin and Moe Watson have made a sensational culinary impact on York. Despite competition from numerous stores and stands all across the historic city, Smoglin and Watson have managed to thrill tourists, residents and PMCs alike with their variety of pies including “Beef”,”Ale and Lager” and the ever popular “Chilli Mince” pies. They recently saw a boost in sales after the installation of a ManCannon in Cornwall allowed people to get to York easier. Smoglin said “Well, it’s a job someones gotta do, y’know? I mean, me and me laddy Moe here have rocked the world of piemaking for sure!”. Watson also said “It’s a damn good job! We’re enjoying a break from being mercenaries and taking on...uhh..’militant rebels’..and making lots of pies for tourists and PMCs! As long as they don’t shoot us, they’re alright!”
Crazed mercenaries imprisoned after hostage crisis
A crazed gun-for-hire was yesterday arrested outside the Arc De Triomphe following a dramatic hostage crisis yesterday. The Pieuvre Armament forces were called into action at 4:31pm yesterday as Dave Jackscar took several hostages as a one man army. Believed to have been hired by an unknown source known only as “Al” who hates the French, The mercenary wounded 15 people before taking 2 hostages. It took 8 members and one death of an Armament troop to take down Mr. Jackscar. No civilian casualties have been reported.
Fighting in Middle East still rages on
Many troops may have pulled out, but for a special coalition the war remains heated. In the Middle East lies a street currently occupied by mercenaries of all nationalities at the hand of the American and British government, or generally whoever pays the most. 3 of them, Jon Manguel, Jim Smith and Jimmy Holden, have been fighting for well over a year. “Those damn Praying Mantis never stop” explained Manguel “It’s our job to keep them focused here so they don’t spread anywhere else. Britains at wits end with Ravens Sword, Russias trying to beat of Ots...Otz..Khvat..Ocelots special unit with a stick, and the French and South Americans are teaming up to kick Pieuvre Armaments ass!” Smith, however, was less enthusiastic “Everytime Mantis gets closer, we have to push forward. Being veterans, its lucky we have moron militiamen to hide behind, otherwise we’d be Swiss cheese. It’s a dirty job, but someones gotta do it. As long as the Yanks and Limeys keep paying up for booze, then we ain’t got a problem fighting!”
Frank blinks and closes the newspaper, folding it. Mantis looks up.
Mantis: Amazing how many people you know could be in the news, isn’t it?
Frank: Yes.
Frank scrunches up the newspaper, throwing it down
Frank: Bob! IT’S TIME!
Bob looks up, his face contorted in depression
Bob: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Frank nods and stands up, knocking the coffee table over
Laughing Octopus: Is it that time already?
Frank:...YES!
Laughing Octopus hisses and curls up into a ball as Frank pulls out a huge conch from a secret compartment under the coffee table
Bob: WHY DO WE KEEP THAT?!
Frank: Brace yourself..soon the mercenaries be here!
Bob: PLEASE! FRANK! I’LL KEEP YOU DROWNED IN LIQUOR FOR LIFE!
Frank looks at Mantis
Screaming Mantis: ...Blow it, baby
Frank: Bye Bob.
Bob screams as Frank blows the conch....
***
We cut to outside the O2 Arena Locker-Rooms. All of a sudden, we see a door explode and Crying Wolf charges out in her Wolf suit, howling loudly. Steve is on the back carrying a double-headed battle-axe. Several staff surround Wolf carefully, only for her to charge forward and trample them all underfoot. In the streets, we see Wolf burst violently out of the front door, destroying the doors and speeding off into a random direction
We see Tavi sitting with an impatient look on her face in a large tube surrounded by sensors and monitors. As the last scientist puts down his clipboard and leaves, Courtney jumps down from a rafter and waves at the glass. Tavi points at a keycard, but Courtney simply blinks, grabs a stool and hurls it at the glass. Tavi shields herself as the glass smashes and red sirens start to appear, a klaxon sounding. Both of them look around and dive out of a nearby window and into the barbed-wired yard. Tavi clears it in a massive single jump and grinds her nails down the fence as she lands, cutting it open for Courtney to escape. Both of them look around, grinning, and run off into a random direction
The camera pans to Phil digging a hole surrounded by TV cameras. He looks up and his ears twitch. He throws down the shovel and clutches the manuscript before running off in a random direction.
The camera quickly pans to Dick, who is busy washing glasses in the empty Nags Head. He slowly sets down the glass and nods, smashing a firebox case and grabbing his trusty Hose, winding around his arm and grabbing the shotgun from under the bar. He hops over the bar and kicks open the door, slamming it behind him. He takes a deep breath of Lazenby air before throwing his Hose and shotgun into the back of his sedan, flinging the door open and driving off without shutting it
The camera then pans to a van speeding across a pier boardwalk. Several people scream and dive out the way as Billy leans out, yelling at them. The van screeches to a halt and Billy and Stoofer jump out, running over to the nearest ManCannon. They both sit on one each and nod at eachother, holding the cable. As several PMC troops move in, the ManCannons shoot up and send Stoofer and Billy flying into a random direction
We cut to a random garage, with Johan, Bobby and That Hispanic Guy gathered around an F1 Car. Their ears twitch and That Hispanic Guy jumps into the seat, grabbing the helmet and pullint it on. Bobby sits on the front scoop and uses cables to attach himself to it, also pulling on a helmet. Johan sits behind the seat, facing backwards and attaching himself via an extra seatbelt, pulling on a helmet. That Hispanic Guy revs the engine and they speed off, breaking straight through the garage door and into the street, zooming off in a random direction
We see a mafioso-style limo slowly driving through the streets of Chicago. Through the tinted windows, we see Brick, wearing a sleeveless tuxedo, sitting alone. He leans forward, raps on the window and yells gibberish. The driver blinks and nods, putting his foot on the pedal and speeding off in a random direction
The camera pans to Sal stuck in a straitjacket, rocking back and forth in a cell. he hears the conch and jumps up, barging shoulder-first through the padded door. the sirens blare as he runs out, smashing through several doors which causes his straitjacket to unfasten. he throws it off to reveal his mercenary uniform and runs outside past several inmates, hopping a spiked fence and running down the road
The camera then cuts to That Other Random Guy and That Random Guy on stage, banging their heads against eachother wearing metal pans. They quickly stop and give the “Metal” hand sign before jumping into a tank used as a prop. The crowd scream and part as That Random Guy dives into the hatch, followed by That Other Random Guy who quickly pops up wearing a military helmet. The tank speeds off across the crowd, smashes through the opposite wall and speeds off in a random....direction
We then cut to Jericho and Crazy Ivan who are staring down a line of advancing Praying Mantis PMCs who have their assault rifles pointed at them. Jericho slowly raises his hands, but Ivan simply tosses a lit stick of dynamite which lands in one PMCs hands. He screams and starts juggling it in his hands as Jericho and Ivan run straight past them and to the ManCannons, strapping themselves in and jettisoning themselves into the air
The camera quickly cuts to Will and Raven, both sitting in a prop jeep wearing long silk robes. Raven twitches violently and grabs the steering wheel, firing up the ignition. Several staff members jump in front of the jeep, but she simply speeds forward, crushing them and firing off into a random direction
We then cut to Dubai where Vince and Bill are walking through Dubai, wearing large backpacks and getting stones and tomatoes hurled at them. Both of them look at eachother and nod triumphantly, tearing off the backpacks to reveal jetpacks. They quickly fire them off and shoot straight up into the air. As they let the air breeze past them, their eyes widen as they fly past Dean sitting in the back of an aeroplane, which is being pedalled by Karab, wearing an old aviators helmet. In the back is a full rotating kebab spit, oven, bowsl and utensils. Dean simply waves to them, causing both Bill and Vince to collide in shock
The camera cuts to York where Obese Maurice and Moe the Midget are walking the streets of York, eating pies. They hear the conch and their ears twitch. Moe runs down the street to a replica Viking shop and hops into a chariot randomly displayed in the front window. Maurice hops in the back and they both hi-5. The shopkeeper coughs and watches as they wait patiently for something to happen. Moe looks up at the shopkeeper and throws the reins over him. Maurice reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a gun, the shopkeeper screams and starts to run off, leading the chariot with him out of the shop
We see Dave stuck in a French prison. Dave is pacing up and down impatiently as a random prisoner finishes tying the bedsheets around the window bars. A guard walks past and watches as both men pull at the sheets. Dave turns around and watches as the guard grins slyly. Dave simply walks over to the cell door, grabs the guard and smashes his head off the bars, grabbing the keys from his waist and unlocking the cell door. Dave slides it open and walks off, quickly followed by the other prisoner, who keeps his distance
Finally, we cut to the fierce fighting in the Middle East, just 2 miles from the square. Jim pats Jimmys back and Jimmy runs off towards the square, firing at the Praying Mantis PMCs. Jon quickly hurls a grenade towards them and it lands behind the sandbags, blowing the PMCs and the wall of the adjacent building up. Jon pats Jims back and Jim follows Jimmy. Jon quickly scans the area before following the other 2.
***
Frank stands in the middle of the town square, looking at his watch calmly as a random UAV flies over him and sends a missile into a nearby building, showering the podium with sand and rubble . Mantis is stood beside him, stood at attention. Bob is sitting on one of the chairs in the front row, sobbing into his hands as Octopus comforts him. Robbie is sitting alone in the back row
Frank: Holding the fort, Robbie?!
Robbie flips him the bird and Frank gives the thumbs up
Frank: For fucks sake, Where are they?..
A loud howl pierces the air and the chassis of Crying Wolf scrambles speedily into the square, skidding to a halt. The hatch flies open and Wolf takes off her mask/helmet, sliding down the head and brushing her jet-black hair out of her eyes
Wolf: God..that took forever!
Steve hops off her back
Steve: FRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANKKKK!!!!
Steve runs forward and leaps onto the stage, hugging Frank tightly
Steve: I MISSED YOU!! I LOVE YOU!! I MISSED YOU!!!
Frank stands there, laughing nervously
Frank: I missed you too Steve...please..take a seat
Wolf and Steve sit in the 3rd row of seats. Wolf looks around
Wolf: We the first to arrive?
Bob sobs louder
Octopus: Yes..
Wolf: Ahh..whats his problem?
Octopus: Depression..again..
Steve: Cheery uppy Bobby!!
A hustle overcomes the square as Sal runs in, still tied in his straitjacket
Sal: I COULD USE SOME HELP!!!
Brick: HUNKER DOWN!!!
Brick rushes forward and tackles Sal to the floor by his legs. Sal screams and Brick grabs the arms, pulling a knife out of his back pocket and cutting the buckles of the sleeves. Sal breaths a sigh of relief
Sal: Thanks Brick..
Sal tears his arms free and throws off the straitjacket, wearing only a pair of love-heart printed white boxershorts
Brick: Oh..GOD!!!
Sal: Take a picture, it’ll last longer!
Sal sits on the 3rd row near Steve and Brick sits between Steve and Sal
Brick: Whats up fellas? Whats with ol’ Bob?
Steve: Depressed..
Sal: Ahhh..well, he’s not the one who’s been holed up in a mental asylum for 3 weeks!!
That Hispanic Guy, Johan, Bobby, That Random Guy and That Other Random Guy walk into the square. Johan smells the air
Johan: Johan Home.
That Hispanic Guy looks around
That Hispanic Guy: Well...nothing changes..
Bobby: Goddammit Frank! You could’ve at least put some banners up or something!!
Frank: Yeah yeah..
Bobby: You lazy fuck!!
Bobby, Johan and That Hispanic Guy sit on the back row. That Other Random Guy sits next to Sal, and That Random Guy sits next to That Other Random Guy. Sal looks at That Other Random Guy edgily
That Other Random Guy: What?
Sal: ..I don’t like fake crazies
That Other Random Guy: I’m not fake crazy!
Sal: Dude, you fazy!!
Brick leans over and points
Brick: BURNED!!!
Sal and Brick hi-5
That Other Random Guy: Well..you’ve only got your boxers on!!
Sal: And? I had to remove a straitjacket
That Other Random Guy: Yeah??!! Well...YOUR FACE!!
Brick: Better than yours.
Sal: BURNED!!!
That Other Random Guy opens his mouth, but folds his arms and slumps down
That Other Random Guy: Bastards..
Frank: Ok..is this all that got out?
Wolf: Of course not!
Tavi, wearing only underwear, and Courtney slump into the square, catching their breath
Courtney: Give..us a...sec..
Dean, Karab and Dick Head walk into the square
Dick: I have nowhere to park my elephant so i’ve just tied him up outside the Lamb and Flag, that ok?
Frank: Uhhhhh....I..guess?
Dick: Awesome.
Dick walks in, whistling and sits on the 4th row. Dean sits next to Dick and Karab sits next to Dean
Dean: So.....we all here?
Octopus: Nope, not yet
Dean: Whats emo guys problem?
Bob: I’M IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION!!!
Silence.
Dick: ....O...k
Karab: He is really weird!
Dean: Don’t make eye contact, Karab..people like him swallow your soul..
Karab nods and Tavi swallows deeply, walking to the 3rd row and sitting beside Wolf. Courtney strolls over and sits at the end of the row next to Tavi
Wolf: Welcome back, babes
Tavi: Good to be back!
Phil rides into the square on his motorcycle with Jericho on the back
Phil: FULL THROTTLE BEEATCHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!
He skids to a halt and kicks out the stand, parking the motorycle and hopping off. Jericho climbs off and dusts his trenchcoat off
Jericho: I see nothings changed..you always were a lazy twat Frank, I can see you always strive to never outdo yourself
Frank: Shut up and sit the fuck down!
Phil flips the bird and they sit on the back row
Phil: Taviiiiiiii...
Tavi turns around
Tavi: Yes?
Phil: I can see your bra!
Silence.
Tavi: No shit, Sherlock..Although that thing behind Jericho..looks weird
Jericho looks behind him and Tavi flashes her chest at Phil. Phil screams and falls backwards out of his seat. Tavi smirks and fastens her bra
Tavi: The ol’ Inuko twins..
Robbie: You’re an idiot, Phil
Phil looks at Robbie, rubbing his eyes
Phil: I’m a blind idiot!
Stoofer and Billy jog in, falling to their knees and catching their breath
Billy: We..make it?
Phil: You sure did...You insanists..
Stoofer: Phil..You ever ran away from a heavily armed police unit?
Phil: Does a heavily armed military unit count?
Silence. Heavy breathing
Stoofer: ..point taken
Frank: Sit down, you two!
They sit down on the 4th row behind Wolf and Tavi. Jericho leans back in his seat and folds his arms
Jericho: So whats this facade for? Christmas? Someones dead? We’re having a piss-up?
Phil crosses his finger
Phil: Please be the last one!
Frank: Negative! This is a military briefing!
Phil slaps his knee in frustration
Phil: NEVER ANYTHING THE SANE PEOPLE WANT!
Sal raises his hand
Sal: Don’t forget the not-so-sane!
Mantis: Who’s left?
Frank: Raven and Will..and Obese Maurice and Moe, is that it?
Sal: Don’t forget Bill!
Brick: And Jim! And Jimmy!
That Hispanic Guy: And John! And Dave!
Sal: Christ Frank! You can’t even remember if your units here you silly twat!
Frank: FUCK YOU SAL!
Sal: Fuck you, buddy!
Frank: I ain’t your buddy!
Sal: I ain’t your fuck!
That Other Random Guy: Whay-hay! Franks a gay!
All: WHAAYYYYYYYY!!!!
Frank: SHUT UP! I’LL EXECUTE YOU ALL FOR GRAND MUTINY!
Silence.
Robbie: Is it just me, or was that incredibly stupid to say? Considering we’re all armed?
Dick: I’ll agree with the sadistic bastard.
Sal: Me too.
Stoofer: And me.
Johan: Me too.
Frank: Ok, you fucking twats! So..Bill, Will, Jim, Jimmy, John, Dave, Raven, Maurice and Moe..anyone else?
Sal: Vince
Vince: Present!
Vince and Bill appear in the square covered in tomato juice
That Hispanic Guy: Goddamn! It smells like..rotten vaginas!
That Random Guy: Smells like bearshit to me.
Johan: Smell like the pain and tears of men.
Bill: Johans closest..It’s your fault, Vince!
Bill turns to Vince and pokes his finger in his chest
Bill: I gave you the plans! Its not my fault you turned them upside down and decided you would build them like that!
Vince: I was going to create a nice, post-modern touch!
Bill: You turned the fucking thing upside down hanging by a spire and a few nuts and bolts! It’s as post-modern as shitting in a c--
Bill turns to Frank
Frank: Yeah?
Bill: I’m sure you have a useless random fact or derogatory remark coming up?
Frank: Did you know that an artist actually shit in cans and sold them to the Tate Modern?
Silence.
Screaming Mantis: How do you know these things?!
Frank: I read educated literature
Jericho: Don’t flatter yourself. I’ve seen you in the Lamb And Flag plenty of times, looking at the back of barmats and scribbling down the pub trivia
Frank: DAMN YOU! YOU KNOW THE SOURCE OF MY POWER!
Jericho: Somedays I believe the only reason you have a head is to keep rain out of your neck.
Frank: Go fuck yourself!
Jericho stands up and grabs his chair, Frank screams and ducks. He quickly puts it down and sits on it. He quickly rises again and slams his hand against the podium
Frank: I WANT SOME FUCKING ORDER!!
Bob: I HATE YOU ALL!!
Bill: Ah jeez, emo Bobs back..
Bob: I’M SURROUNDED BY NEGATIVE EMOTION!!
Octopus: Oi vey, Bobby dearest..
Frank: Will you two sit down?!
Vince: Alright, calm down drunky!
Vince and Bill sit on the back row next to Jericho
Frank: Who now?
That Random Guy: The others..
Frank: No fucking shit.
That Random Guy: Fuck you!
Frank: In your dreams
That Random Guy: In my nightmares
Sal: You have thoughts about gay sex? Stay away you freak!
Brick and Sal inch away from That Random Guy
Brick: Damn, knew I should’ve duct-taped me buttcrack.
That Random Guy: Fuckers.
Silence.
Tavi: Does anyone else feel this incredible urge to get naked?
Silence.
Courtney: I do.
Silence. Sound of shotgun shell being loaded into barrel
Jericho: Phil, put the Sawn Off down..
SIlence. Sound of gun hitting the sand.
Phil: Asshole.
Tavi: Seriously..I have the urge to get naked
Will: It’s called Sex God! It’s my new fragrance! Illegal in Russia, the US, Here in the Middle East, the UK, Egypt, Turkey, Czech Republic and Cuba! It has the scent powerful enough to knock the pants of anyone!
Will strolls into the square, grinning
Will: Hope y’all don’t mind, I parked my panther near some elephant outside the Lamb and Flag
Raging Raven walks beside him and takes a deep sniff. Her clothes falling off to reveal leopard-print lingerie.
Silence.
Brick: I seriously don’t like where this is heading.
Sal: Me neither
Mantis’s clothes fall off to reveal tight latex lingerie, she squeals and covers herself up. The whole back row collapses
That Hispanic Guy: MY EYES!!
Bobby: I see burning!!!
Phil: Sweet mother of Lucifer my eyes!!
Silence. The sound of screaming from the back. Frank stares at Mantis who looks at him, turning dark red
Mantis: Well..this was gonna be my surprise..
Frank: ...I like!!
Wolf looks around and squeals, covering her naked body up as best she can with her hands, the back row gets to their feet but collapses again, screaming as Wolf stands up, running out of the square in embarrassment. Dean, Dick, Karab, Billy and Stoofer all collapse with the 4th row too, rolling around covering their eyes and screaming
Frank: ORDER! ORDER!
Mantis looks around at the two rows which have collapsed. Will simply stands there, smirking
Will: Damn..works a treat!
Tavi squeals and quickly runs off naked, covering herself up too. The 4th row gets up, and collapses yet again
That Hispanic Guy: WHY DOESN’T THE PAIN STOP?!?!
Johan: JOHAN SEE BLOOD!!!
Jericho: I CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING PAST MY NECK!!!!
Sal, That Random Guy, That Other Random Guy and Brick watch the unfolding chaos
That Other Random Guy: Saw it coming, although I have to say my eyes seem to bleeding
That Other Random Guy wipes the blood from his eyes and looks at it
That Other Random Guy: I say, I feel like i’m rapidly losing conscious--
That Other Random Guy collapses. That Random Guy looks around
That Random Guy: I see naked--
That Random Guy collapses too, and Sal simply watches
Sal: Sweet jesus it’s the apocalypse!
Courtney stands up, fully naked
Courtney: ..Yeeeah, i’m gonna get some clothes. Wind feels nice though
Courtney walks off and Sal waves goodbye, sitting back straight in his seat
Sal: Whoops.
Sal collapses forward in his seat, hunching over. Bob watches, wide-eyed
Frank: I want--
Mantis: Leave it AND KISS ME!!
Mantis jumps at Frank and tackles him to the floor on the stage, kissing him passionately. The 4th row stands up again
Phil: HIT THE FLOOR LADS!!
They all collapse backwards. Will simply stands there, laughing triumphantly
Will: I know. You all love me.
Will and Raven sit on the third row, watching as Sal regains consciousness and sits up. Wolf, Tavi and Courtney, wearing underwear, slowly peek around the corner of a building
Will: OK! I’LL WASH IT OFF!
The fourth row start getting up, the sounds of pain and terror still filling the air. Will turns back to them
Will: GET UP YOU WIMPS!!
Maurice and Moe walk into the square. Moe hops down from Maurices back and watches silently
Moe: Jesus Maurice..What the fuck did we come back for?
Maurice: Y’know laddy, it’s cause we like them. It’s cause they’re all the fucking business...Other than that, I have no idea ya know.
Moe: They all look..insane
Frank stands up, correcting his collar. Mantis quickly zips up her catsuit and stands next to him, quickly pulling out a comb and combing her hair
Maurice: Looks like we arrived in good time my son, bloody good timing an’ all.
Jericho stands up, wiping the blood from under his eyes. He quickly stands his seat up and sits down. Phil grabs Jerichos trenchcoat and uses it to pull himself up, grabbing his chair and sitting in it. Moe and Maurice slowly walk forward, sitting on the front row near Bob and Octopus. Maurice has to take up 2 seats
Maurice: Bloody uncomfortable
Frank: Ok..just waiting for the stragglers
The rest of the 4th row get up and sit down. WOlf, COurtney and Tavi walk in, fully clothed again and sit on the 2nd row
Courtney: Damn, I was so comfortable!
Frank: Now all thats left are the three mercenaries..
That Random Guy: Fuck them! We’re the talking point!
Crowd: YEAH!
Brick: Lets be fair..they are the walking targets!
Silence. Murmur around the crowd. Frank slams the podium
Frank: OK!! We will wait!
Crowd: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Phil: BOOO!!!
Frank: Shut up, Phil!
Brick: Boo! Hiss!
Frank: GODDAMN MUTINOUS INSURREXTION!
Ivan: KABOOM!!!!!!!!
Silence. Ivan walks into the square and sees Frank, standing to attention and saluting
Ivan: Ivan, reporting for duty commandante!
Jericho: Sit down, Ivan!
Ivan: I make you Kaboom! You leave me in cell!
Brick: How’d you get out?
Silence. Ivan stares at Brick.
Brick: Oh yeah, kaboom.
Ivan: YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEAHHHHH MAN!!!!!!!!
Frank puts his head in his hands. Mantis rubs his back
Mantis: It’ll be over soon..
Phil stands up and points at Frank
Phil: LOOK WHO FORGOT IVAN, THE DUMB FUCK!!!
Frank: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
Phil points and laughs, sitting down
Bill: And speak of the devils!
Jim, Jimmy and John slouch into the square, mumbling under their breath
Frank: GENTLEMEN!! SEATS PLEASE!!
John: We just wiped out a unit of Praying Mantis and you want us to take a seat?!?!?
Silence. Frank nods.
John: You, sir, are a shit!
All of them holster their weapons onto their back and slouch in, sitting on the front row beside Maurice and Moe
Maurice: Welcome lads..
John: Yo Maurice..what does douchebag want?
Moe: Something about an announcement!
Jim: ..Fucking cuntflap
Frank: QUIET DOWN! YOU MAGGOTS!
Odd comedy couple smash ticket sales at O2 Arena
Steve Llarec and his assistant, Midnight Wolf, have recently smashed ticket sales in Wembleys O2 Arena, following their sell-out “Capital Insanity Tour” which culminates at the O2 Arena itself. The pair, which specialize in slapstick, mime acts, and even interpretive dance, claim they’re past as mercenaries for hire helped them heavily. “Oh, it’s a ball, baby!” exclaimed Midnight in her interview with the Herald Times “I’ve always been a Crying Wolf of sorts, but now i’ve turned sadness into humour, dedicated to my lovely jubbly hubby Phil, whom seems to have taken a career in archaelogy. I enjoy being on the tour, bringing such joy to millions, rather than powering them down in a mechanical wolf suit!” Llarec was also optimistic about the success “YAYYY!!! I LIKE ICE CREAM!!! Huh? What? Oh..the tour. Right. THIS TOUR IS GREAT!! I’ve had such a ball, especially backstage sharing the stories of how I once killed a guy with a trident, and how we once came up against a gigantic screaming robot with made puppets out of us! It’s hilarious!”
The tour is being classed as a “Rare kind of comedy which only comes around one a millenium”. Critics outside Llarecs circle of friends are still out on the subject
Link between humans and animals found.
One of mankinds greatest discoveries was realised last night as the link between humans and animals were found. Homo breviceps. to be scientific, was discovered yesterday in England accompanied with a human woman. Both of them were ordering ice creams at the time of the police call. Both human and breviceps managed to fight off 15 armed Raven Sword PMCs before being tasered to the ground. While the human woman managed to kill 6 PMCs, castrate 2 more and behead one on an insane sugar rush, scientists manage to rush in while the woman, thought to be mercenary Courtney Inuko, was kept busy with Raven Sword. Scientists manage to drug the new species and haul her off a van where they have taken her to an undisclosed location for further testing.
Courtney Inuko vanished last night after jail guards discovered that the bars to her cell in Durham Prison were snapped in half, letting her flee.
Fastest number of drinks served in Lazenby
In the Nags Head yesterday, bartender Dick Head managed to amuse the bars patrons and the usual crowd of Raven Sword PMCs by serving up a record number of drinks in record time. Mr. Head managed to serve up 127 drinks within 2 minutes to the sober punters in the Nags Head. Mr. Head claims that it has nothing to do with the rival Half Moon, which also sets a rival to Dicks middle eastern bar, The Lamb and Flag. “So, that stupid cunt Al thinks it’s a vendetta? WRONG. Everyone knows MY bar is clearly the best! Serving up one hundred and twenty seven drinks? I could do that in my sleep standing on my head. Better than Al ever could!” Mr. Murray of the Half Moon rebutted “Go stick it up your arse you dog”. Mr. Head and Mr. Murray deny any allegations of the following arson attacks on both pubs
Crazed Insane mercenary discovers clues to treasure
A mercenary turned archaelogist also ghostbuster also mystery hunter Philip Nolastname yesterday found transcripts in the British Library archives with an enigmatic code, but which details an intense drawing of the fabled Efka Tyrepor, an ancient pot believed to have been used to anoint Christs wounds. When interviewed, Nolastname revealed his ambition: “I am gonna be SO ******* rich if I find it! By the way, mate, know what this symbol means? Looks like the devil with his fly open” Nolastname celebrated his allowance of temporary citizenship in the British Isles
after lengthy custody battles. After many dismissals following Nolastnames constant insulting of Prime Minister Brown and the Queen, he finally got his chance after
discovering an underground cave where cavemen paintings believed to be 1500 years old were. Nolastname was drunk at the time of discovery, and admits that he had no
idea how he got there. A future attempt to crack the code is under way.
Escaped inmate found: Escapes after mass shoot-out
An escaped inmate, Stoofer Enrigue, last night evaded police capture once again. Shortly after escaping from Tijuana, Stoofer was sighted in New Mexico with an assailant believed to be mercenary Billy Wallace. Police managed to acquire a warrant to bring in Stoofer, also accused of murder in the US. Despite Wallace constantly stating that they had acquired Enrigues services, Pieuvre Armament attempted to move onto the convict. However, they were met by mass resistance from Hispanic gang 5 Swords, as well as Wallace and Enrigue themselves. As the chaos unfolded, Stoofer and Billy managed to escape in an unmarked white van. Armament have lost all whereabouts and suspect they have escaped to the Middle East away from where they can be legally detained
Team Ferrari win F1 Grand Prix
Ralph Schumacher celebrated a historic win for team Ferrari in the Formula 1 Grand Prix. Schumacher, flanked by 3 trusty mechanics, one being an unnamed male of hispanic descent, as well as Johan Squier and Bobby Hernandez. Ralph blazed past the competition of Subaru and Honda to claim the title. Some allegations of cheating in the Pit Stops would surface during lap 21, when it was alleged that Bobby Hernandez threw a Subaru mechanic into the crowd, while the unnamed hispanic male
stole his wallet and the hubcaps of the car drove by Team Subaru. After the race, Ralph said “My pit team did awesome, they are the kings of blackma--I mean, mechanics! They sure know how to fix hostag--I mean, tires! This is a great win for the entire team!”. Talking of the allegations, Bobby Hernandez went on to say: “I believe that any evidence will be tampered with. That assholes been
hatin’ on us ever since we galvanized his cousin! The hubcaps mean nothing”
Crematorium shut down after foul-play suspected
Brick Schmicker, owner of Shade of Fire Crematoriums, was fined yesterday and had his Crematorium shut down after foul-play was suspected by the place. Mr. Schmicker, 29, is believed to be in conspiracy to finally hide the body of Jimmy Hoffa, rather than keeping it under the Statue of Libertys skirt. Schmicker has denied all ties to the Chicago Mafia, despite Godfather Jo Mitraisa being seen repeatedly stopping by with bags full of money. Recently, detectives discovered a body resembling that of Hoffas being unloaded from a hearse into the Crematorium. Despite denying allegations that his famous Kung Po Spare Ribs are actually human, CPD shut down Schmickers crematorium, with its highly-insensitive tagline: ‘You kill ‘em, we grill ‘em’
Schmicker was unavailable for comment
Last line of the Memeh-Porpington royalty cast to Asylum
Sal Hoobah Boobah Shlork Michy-Michy Kawow Memeh Porpington, the last line of the Memeh-Porpington royalty, was sentenced to life in Saint Lukes following his plea of Illegal Insanity. Kawow Memeh Porpington, undergoing trial after the assault of 5 members of his psychology group, pleaded illegally insane to his conviction. Kawow Memeh Porpington, a known mercenary in the Middle East infamous for being voted the ‘One most likely to snap hilariously’ by Frank Daniels, Steve Llarrec and Philip Nolastname, admitted he was illegally insane after the case brought forth by his lawyer, fellow mercenary and no longer friend Brick Schmicker, failed. One of the jury, another mercenary and famed pornography star Will Studlin brought forth the guilty verdict to ensure Kawow Memeh-Porpingtons future rehabilitation into society
“Heads of Steel” open successful concert tour at Wembley
One of the greatest alternative bands of this decade, Heads of Steel, opened their tour today with a smashing performance. The two unknown members, known only as Mahoney Bologna and Bologona Judooley managed to rouse the 50,127 fans into a frenzy with their pan-head-smashing music, accompanied by thrashing drums and a guitar played by Tom Morello. Heads of Steel kept their fans begging for more, featuring such tracks as “I Want To Murder Your Face”, “Armageddon 2”, “Random Title Track For The Win”, “We’re The Mercenaries You Laugh At” and “Steel For Real”
They are expected to be the main highlight of the main stage at the Leeds Festival later this year.
Bomb scare at Nuclear Power Plant in Holland. 2 men escape Praying Mantis PMCs
In a giant scare yesterday afternoon, mercenaries Jericho Kingston and “Crazy” Ivan Hellgenstrand yesterday thankfully didn’t uphold their threat to detonate a kilogram of Semtex placed around a nuclear power plant close enough to the coast to potentially cripple Holland. Several Praying Mantis PMC were called to the scene by concerned workers after spotting Kingston juggling heavily radioactive isotopes, after discovering the Semtex, the workers managed to quietly evacuate. However, as Praying Mantis surrounded the building and stormed it, it was discovered that both mercenaries had escaped. Their motive and whereabouts are unknown, and Praying Mantis managed to successfully disarm the primed Semtex. Several government skeptics believe it to be a ploy for the Praying Mantis PMC to show their authority
“Bra Busting Beasts” smashes XXX records
The latest buzz for Otselotoya Khavatka PMCs stationed in Tokyo is not the cusine, the culture or even the insane whittlings of an old man: Pornography means big bucks in Japan, and former mercenary Will Studlin, blessed in a certain part of anatomy, takes his trademark moustache and meat-and-two-veg to the record books as the newest film, Bra Busting Beasts, where he co-stars with a woman known only as Screaming Raven. The film has now gained over 5 million rentals, safly securing its place in the record books. When asked about the film, which revolves around Will “battling” the aforementioned beast, he stated: “It’s always been a mix of personal hobbies of mine: Shooting and sex. I bring sex to the battlefield, and I bring the battlefield to sex. I am a man of many talents, speaking of which, have you seen me? Not even a salami can beat that!”
Two builders mess-up: Create first ever upside-down building
Despite being dubbed to be Dubais next biggest attraction, it caught the wrong type of attention..constructers Vincent LaMarr and Bill Sykes managed to build the Earth Needle upside down, and unveiled in front of a large crowd of 125,000 onlookers. With the needle stuck firmly in the sand, both men were fired from their posts immediately. The building is thought to be completely unusable and unstable, and demolition of the $600,000 project will begin next month. LaMarr said “Ahhh! These Dubai morons are just anally retentive cause they make millions in oil! We follow the schematics and build it, and they complain when its an innovation! I’m a construction analyst for an army of mercenaries near here, and they just don’t appreciate my talents!”. Sykes simply added “It was all Vinces fault. Do not blame me. I followed his blueprints!”
Kebab shop chain attracts police attention
A kebab shop in Chicago, Illinois attracted the attention of the Chicago Police Department earlier today. Dean Chevrolet and Karab Ismael, 22 and 21 years old respectively, deny accusations and heavy rumours that the lamb rotisserie is actually the remains of Mafia insider for the police, Jimmy Screamer. Despite one insider saying they saw that Dean unpacked his meat from a limo and unrolled it from a Persian rug, the police are currently letting the leads go. Mr Ismael said: “Why can’t we be left alone? Fast food is our life! If you Americans want to eat yourself to the grave, why ask about our meat? It tastes good, it’s greasy, just be happy!”
They also deny rumours that the limited offer Chilli Sauce is a result of the landlord getting his hand caught in a mincer.
Moe n Maurices Pies attract record number of tourists to York
York has recently seen a 4% boost in tourism, the highest boost since the announcement of daily Raven Sword parades. The reason? Maurice Smoglin and Moe Watson have made a sensational culinary impact on York. Despite competition from numerous stores and stands all across the historic city, Smoglin and Watson have managed to thrill tourists, residents and PMCs alike with their variety of pies including “Beef”,”Ale and Lager” and the ever popular “Chilli Mince” pies. They recently saw a boost in sales after the installation of a ManCannon in Cornwall allowed people to get to York easier. Smoglin said “Well, it’s a job someones gotta do, y’know? I mean, me and me laddy Moe here have rocked the world of piemaking for sure!”. Watson also said “It’s a damn good job! We’re enjoying a break from being mercenaries and taking on...uhh..’militant rebels’..and making lots of pies for tourists and PMCs! As long as they don’t shoot us, they’re alright!”
Crazed mercenaries imprisoned after hostage crisis
A crazed gun-for-hire was yesterday arrested outside the Arc De Triomphe following a dramatic hostage crisis yesterday. The Pieuvre Armament forces were called into action at 4:31pm yesterday as Dave Jackscar took several hostages as a one man army. Believed to have been hired by an unknown source known only as “Al” who hates the French, The mercenary wounded 15 people before taking 2 hostages. It took 8 members and one death of an Armament troop to take down Mr. Jackscar. No civilian casualties have been reported.
Fighting in Middle East still rages on
Many troops may have pulled out, but for a special coalition the war remains heated. In the Middle East lies a street currently occupied by mercenaries of all nationalities at the hand of the American and British government, or generally whoever pays the most. 3 of them, Jon Manguel, Jim Smith and Jimmy Holden, have been fighting for well over a year. “Those damn Praying Mantis never stop” explained Manguel “It’s our job to keep them focused here so they don’t spread anywhere else. Britains at wits end with Ravens Sword, Russias trying to beat of Ots...Otz..Khvat..Ocelots special unit with a stick, and the French and South Americans are teaming up to kick Pieuvre Armaments ass!” Smith, however, was less enthusiastic “Everytime Mantis gets closer, we have to push forward. Being veterans, its lucky we have moron militiamen to hide behind, otherwise we’d be Swiss cheese. It’s a dirty job, but someones gotta do it. As long as the Yanks and Limeys keep paying up for booze, then we ain’t got a problem fighting!”
Frank blinks and closes the newspaper, folding it. Mantis looks up.
Mantis: Amazing how many people you know could be in the news, isn’t it?
Frank: Yes.
Frank scrunches up the newspaper, throwing it down
Frank: Bob! IT’S TIME!
Bob looks up, his face contorted in depression
Bob: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Frank nods and stands up, knocking the coffee table over
Laughing Octopus: Is it that time already?
Frank:...YES!
Laughing Octopus hisses and curls up into a ball as Frank pulls out a huge conch from a secret compartment under the coffee table
Bob: WHY DO WE KEEP THAT?!
Frank: Brace yourself..soon the mercenaries be here!
Bob: PLEASE! FRANK! I’LL KEEP YOU DROWNED IN LIQUOR FOR LIFE!
Frank looks at Mantis
Screaming Mantis: ...Blow it, baby
Frank: Bye Bob.
Bob screams as Frank blows the conch....
***
We cut to outside the O2 Arena Locker-Rooms. All of a sudden, we see a door explode and Crying Wolf charges out in her Wolf suit, howling loudly. Steve is on the back carrying a double-headed battle-axe. Several staff surround Wolf carefully, only for her to charge forward and trample them all underfoot. In the streets, we see Wolf burst violently out of the front door, destroying the doors and speeding off into a random direction
We see Tavi sitting with an impatient look on her face in a large tube surrounded by sensors and monitors. As the last scientist puts down his clipboard and leaves, Courtney jumps down from a rafter and waves at the glass. Tavi points at a keycard, but Courtney simply blinks, grabs a stool and hurls it at the glass. Tavi shields herself as the glass smashes and red sirens start to appear, a klaxon sounding. Both of them look around and dive out of a nearby window and into the barbed-wired yard. Tavi clears it in a massive single jump and grinds her nails down the fence as she lands, cutting it open for Courtney to escape. Both of them look around, grinning, and run off into a random direction
The camera pans to Phil digging a hole surrounded by TV cameras. He looks up and his ears twitch. He throws down the shovel and clutches the manuscript before running off in a random direction.
The camera quickly pans to Dick, who is busy washing glasses in the empty Nags Head. He slowly sets down the glass and nods, smashing a firebox case and grabbing his trusty Hose, winding around his arm and grabbing the shotgun from under the bar. He hops over the bar and kicks open the door, slamming it behind him. He takes a deep breath of Lazenby air before throwing his Hose and shotgun into the back of his sedan, flinging the door open and driving off without shutting it
The camera then pans to a van speeding across a pier boardwalk. Several people scream and dive out the way as Billy leans out, yelling at them. The van screeches to a halt and Billy and Stoofer jump out, running over to the nearest ManCannon. They both sit on one each and nod at eachother, holding the cable. As several PMC troops move in, the ManCannons shoot up and send Stoofer and Billy flying into a random direction
We cut to a random garage, with Johan, Bobby and That Hispanic Guy gathered around an F1 Car. Their ears twitch and That Hispanic Guy jumps into the seat, grabbing the helmet and pullint it on. Bobby sits on the front scoop and uses cables to attach himself to it, also pulling on a helmet. Johan sits behind the seat, facing backwards and attaching himself via an extra seatbelt, pulling on a helmet. That Hispanic Guy revs the engine and they speed off, breaking straight through the garage door and into the street, zooming off in a random direction
We see a mafioso-style limo slowly driving through the streets of Chicago. Through the tinted windows, we see Brick, wearing a sleeveless tuxedo, sitting alone. He leans forward, raps on the window and yells gibberish. The driver blinks and nods, putting his foot on the pedal and speeding off in a random direction
The camera pans to Sal stuck in a straitjacket, rocking back and forth in a cell. he hears the conch and jumps up, barging shoulder-first through the padded door. the sirens blare as he runs out, smashing through several doors which causes his straitjacket to unfasten. he throws it off to reveal his mercenary uniform and runs outside past several inmates, hopping a spiked fence and running down the road
The camera then cuts to That Other Random Guy and That Random Guy on stage, banging their heads against eachother wearing metal pans. They quickly stop and give the “Metal” hand sign before jumping into a tank used as a prop. The crowd scream and part as That Random Guy dives into the hatch, followed by That Other Random Guy who quickly pops up wearing a military helmet. The tank speeds off across the crowd, smashes through the opposite wall and speeds off in a random....direction
We then cut to Jericho and Crazy Ivan who are staring down a line of advancing Praying Mantis PMCs who have their assault rifles pointed at them. Jericho slowly raises his hands, but Ivan simply tosses a lit stick of dynamite which lands in one PMCs hands. He screams and starts juggling it in his hands as Jericho and Ivan run straight past them and to the ManCannons, strapping themselves in and jettisoning themselves into the air
The camera quickly cuts to Will and Raven, both sitting in a prop jeep wearing long silk robes. Raven twitches violently and grabs the steering wheel, firing up the ignition. Several staff members jump in front of the jeep, but she simply speeds forward, crushing them and firing off into a random direction
We then cut to Dubai where Vince and Bill are walking through Dubai, wearing large backpacks and getting stones and tomatoes hurled at them. Both of them look at eachother and nod triumphantly, tearing off the backpacks to reveal jetpacks. They quickly fire them off and shoot straight up into the air. As they let the air breeze past them, their eyes widen as they fly past Dean sitting in the back of an aeroplane, which is being pedalled by Karab, wearing an old aviators helmet. In the back is a full rotating kebab spit, oven, bowsl and utensils. Dean simply waves to them, causing both Bill and Vince to collide in shock
The camera cuts to York where Obese Maurice and Moe the Midget are walking the streets of York, eating pies. They hear the conch and their ears twitch. Moe runs down the street to a replica Viking shop and hops into a chariot randomly displayed in the front window. Maurice hops in the back and they both hi-5. The shopkeeper coughs and watches as they wait patiently for something to happen. Moe looks up at the shopkeeper and throws the reins over him. Maurice reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a gun, the shopkeeper screams and starts to run off, leading the chariot with him out of the shop
We see Dave stuck in a French prison. Dave is pacing up and down impatiently as a random prisoner finishes tying the bedsheets around the window bars. A guard walks past and watches as both men pull at the sheets. Dave turns around and watches as the guard grins slyly. Dave simply walks over to the cell door, grabs the guard and smashes his head off the bars, grabbing the keys from his waist and unlocking the cell door. Dave slides it open and walks off, quickly followed by the other prisoner, who keeps his distance
Finally, we cut to the fierce fighting in the Middle East, just 2 miles from the square. Jim pats Jimmys back and Jimmy runs off towards the square, firing at the Praying Mantis PMCs. Jon quickly hurls a grenade towards them and it lands behind the sandbags, blowing the PMCs and the wall of the adjacent building up. Jon pats Jims back and Jim follows Jimmy. Jon quickly scans the area before following the other 2.
***
Frank stands in the middle of the town square, looking at his watch calmly as a random UAV flies over him and sends a missile into a nearby building, showering the podium with sand and rubble . Mantis is stood beside him, stood at attention. Bob is sitting on one of the chairs in the front row, sobbing into his hands as Octopus comforts him. Robbie is sitting alone in the back row
Frank: Holding the fort, Robbie?!
Robbie flips him the bird and Frank gives the thumbs up
Frank: For fucks sake, Where are they?..
A loud howl pierces the air and the chassis of Crying Wolf scrambles speedily into the square, skidding to a halt. The hatch flies open and Wolf takes off her mask/helmet, sliding down the head and brushing her jet-black hair out of her eyes
Wolf: God..that took forever!
Steve hops off her back
Steve: FRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANKKKK!!!!
Steve runs forward and leaps onto the stage, hugging Frank tightly
Steve: I MISSED YOU!! I LOVE YOU!! I MISSED YOU!!!
Frank stands there, laughing nervously
Frank: I missed you too Steve...please..take a seat
Wolf and Steve sit in the 3rd row of seats. Wolf looks around
Wolf: We the first to arrive?
Bob sobs louder
Octopus: Yes..
Wolf: Ahh..whats his problem?
Octopus: Depression..again..
Steve: Cheery uppy Bobby!!
A hustle overcomes the square as Sal runs in, still tied in his straitjacket
Sal: I COULD USE SOME HELP!!!
Brick: HUNKER DOWN!!!
Brick rushes forward and tackles Sal to the floor by his legs. Sal screams and Brick grabs the arms, pulling a knife out of his back pocket and cutting the buckles of the sleeves. Sal breaths a sigh of relief
Sal: Thanks Brick..
Sal tears his arms free and throws off the straitjacket, wearing only a pair of love-heart printed white boxershorts
Brick: Oh..GOD!!!
Sal: Take a picture, it’ll last longer!
Sal sits on the 3rd row near Steve and Brick sits between Steve and Sal
Brick: Whats up fellas? Whats with ol’ Bob?
Steve: Depressed..
Sal: Ahhh..well, he’s not the one who’s been holed up in a mental asylum for 3 weeks!!
That Hispanic Guy, Johan, Bobby, That Random Guy and That Other Random Guy walk into the square. Johan smells the air
Johan: Johan Home.
That Hispanic Guy looks around
That Hispanic Guy: Well...nothing changes..
Bobby: Goddammit Frank! You could’ve at least put some banners up or something!!
Frank: Yeah yeah..
Bobby: You lazy fuck!!
Bobby, Johan and That Hispanic Guy sit on the back row. That Other Random Guy sits next to Sal, and That Random Guy sits next to That Other Random Guy. Sal looks at That Other Random Guy edgily
That Other Random Guy: What?
Sal: ..I don’t like fake crazies
That Other Random Guy: I’m not fake crazy!
Sal: Dude, you fazy!!
Brick leans over and points
Brick: BURNED!!!
Sal and Brick hi-5
That Other Random Guy: Well..you’ve only got your boxers on!!
Sal: And? I had to remove a straitjacket
That Other Random Guy: Yeah??!! Well...YOUR FACE!!
Brick: Better than yours.
Sal: BURNED!!!
That Other Random Guy opens his mouth, but folds his arms and slumps down
That Other Random Guy: Bastards..
Frank: Ok..is this all that got out?
Wolf: Of course not!
Tavi, wearing only underwear, and Courtney slump into the square, catching their breath
Courtney: Give..us a...sec..
Dean, Karab and Dick Head walk into the square
Dick: I have nowhere to park my elephant so i’ve just tied him up outside the Lamb and Flag, that ok?
Frank: Uhhhhh....I..guess?
Dick: Awesome.
Dick walks in, whistling and sits on the 4th row. Dean sits next to Dick and Karab sits next to Dean
Dean: So.....we all here?
Octopus: Nope, not yet
Dean: Whats emo guys problem?
Bob: I’M IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION!!!
Silence.
Dick: ....O...k
Karab: He is really weird!
Dean: Don’t make eye contact, Karab..people like him swallow your soul..
Karab nods and Tavi swallows deeply, walking to the 3rd row and sitting beside Wolf. Courtney strolls over and sits at the end of the row next to Tavi
Wolf: Welcome back, babes
Tavi: Good to be back!
Phil rides into the square on his motorcycle with Jericho on the back
Phil: FULL THROTTLE BEEATCHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!
He skids to a halt and kicks out the stand, parking the motorycle and hopping off. Jericho climbs off and dusts his trenchcoat off
Jericho: I see nothings changed..you always were a lazy twat Frank, I can see you always strive to never outdo yourself
Frank: Shut up and sit the fuck down!
Phil flips the bird and they sit on the back row
Phil: Taviiiiiiii...
Tavi turns around
Tavi: Yes?
Phil: I can see your bra!
Silence.
Tavi: No shit, Sherlock..Although that thing behind Jericho..looks weird
Jericho looks behind him and Tavi flashes her chest at Phil. Phil screams and falls backwards out of his seat. Tavi smirks and fastens her bra
Tavi: The ol’ Inuko twins..
Robbie: You’re an idiot, Phil
Phil looks at Robbie, rubbing his eyes
Phil: I’m a blind idiot!
Stoofer and Billy jog in, falling to their knees and catching their breath
Billy: We..make it?
Phil: You sure did...You insanists..
Stoofer: Phil..You ever ran away from a heavily armed police unit?
Phil: Does a heavily armed military unit count?
Silence. Heavy breathing
Stoofer: ..point taken
Frank: Sit down, you two!
They sit down on the 4th row behind Wolf and Tavi. Jericho leans back in his seat and folds his arms
Jericho: So whats this facade for? Christmas? Someones dead? We’re having a piss-up?
Phil crosses his finger
Phil: Please be the last one!
Frank: Negative! This is a military briefing!
Phil slaps his knee in frustration
Phil: NEVER ANYTHING THE SANE PEOPLE WANT!
Sal raises his hand
Sal: Don’t forget the not-so-sane!
Mantis: Who’s left?
Frank: Raven and Will..and Obese Maurice and Moe, is that it?
Sal: Don’t forget Bill!
Brick: And Jim! And Jimmy!
That Hispanic Guy: And John! And Dave!
Sal: Christ Frank! You can’t even remember if your units here you silly twat!
Frank: FUCK YOU SAL!
Sal: Fuck you, buddy!
Frank: I ain’t your buddy!
Sal: I ain’t your fuck!
That Other Random Guy: Whay-hay! Franks a gay!
All: WHAAYYYYYYYY!!!!
Frank: SHUT UP! I’LL EXECUTE YOU ALL FOR GRAND MUTINY!
Silence.
Robbie: Is it just me, or was that incredibly stupid to say? Considering we’re all armed?
Dick: I’ll agree with the sadistic bastard.
Sal: Me too.
Stoofer: And me.
Johan: Me too.
Frank: Ok, you fucking twats! So..Bill, Will, Jim, Jimmy, John, Dave, Raven, Maurice and Moe..anyone else?
Sal: Vince
Vince: Present!
Vince and Bill appear in the square covered in tomato juice
That Hispanic Guy: Goddamn! It smells like..rotten vaginas!
That Random Guy: Smells like bearshit to me.
Johan: Smell like the pain and tears of men.
Bill: Johans closest..It’s your fault, Vince!
Bill turns to Vince and pokes his finger in his chest
Bill: I gave you the plans! Its not my fault you turned them upside down and decided you would build them like that!
Vince: I was going to create a nice, post-modern touch!
Bill: You turned the fucking thing upside down hanging by a spire and a few nuts and bolts! It’s as post-modern as shitting in a c--
Bill turns to Frank
Frank: Yeah?
Bill: I’m sure you have a useless random fact or derogatory remark coming up?
Frank: Did you know that an artist actually shit in cans and sold them to the Tate Modern?
Silence.
Screaming Mantis: How do you know these things?!
Frank: I read educated literature
Jericho: Don’t flatter yourself. I’ve seen you in the Lamb And Flag plenty of times, looking at the back of barmats and scribbling down the pub trivia
Frank: DAMN YOU! YOU KNOW THE SOURCE OF MY POWER!
Jericho: Somedays I believe the only reason you have a head is to keep rain out of your neck.
Frank: Go fuck yourself!
Jericho stands up and grabs his chair, Frank screams and ducks. He quickly puts it down and sits on it. He quickly rises again and slams his hand against the podium
Frank: I WANT SOME FUCKING ORDER!!
Bob: I HATE YOU ALL!!
Bill: Ah jeez, emo Bobs back..
Bob: I’M SURROUNDED BY NEGATIVE EMOTION!!
Octopus: Oi vey, Bobby dearest..
Frank: Will you two sit down?!
Vince: Alright, calm down drunky!
Vince and Bill sit on the back row next to Jericho
Frank: Who now?
That Random Guy: The others..
Frank: No fucking shit.
That Random Guy: Fuck you!
Frank: In your dreams
That Random Guy: In my nightmares
Sal: You have thoughts about gay sex? Stay away you freak!
Brick and Sal inch away from That Random Guy
Brick: Damn, knew I should’ve duct-taped me buttcrack.
That Random Guy: Fuckers.
Silence.
Tavi: Does anyone else feel this incredible urge to get naked?
Silence.
Courtney: I do.
Silence. Sound of shotgun shell being loaded into barrel
Jericho: Phil, put the Sawn Off down..
SIlence. Sound of gun hitting the sand.
Phil: Asshole.
Tavi: Seriously..I have the urge to get naked
Will: It’s called Sex God! It’s my new fragrance! Illegal in Russia, the US, Here in the Middle East, the UK, Egypt, Turkey, Czech Republic and Cuba! It has the scent powerful enough to knock the pants of anyone!
Will strolls into the square, grinning
Will: Hope y’all don’t mind, I parked my panther near some elephant outside the Lamb and Flag
Raging Raven walks beside him and takes a deep sniff. Her clothes falling off to reveal leopard-print lingerie.
Silence.
Brick: I seriously don’t like where this is heading.
Sal: Me neither
Mantis’s clothes fall off to reveal tight latex lingerie, she squeals and covers herself up. The whole back row collapses
That Hispanic Guy: MY EYES!!
Bobby: I see burning!!!
Phil: Sweet mother of Lucifer my eyes!!
Silence. The sound of screaming from the back. Frank stares at Mantis who looks at him, turning dark red
Mantis: Well..this was gonna be my surprise..
Frank: ...I like!!
Wolf looks around and squeals, covering her naked body up as best she can with her hands, the back row gets to their feet but collapses again, screaming as Wolf stands up, running out of the square in embarrassment. Dean, Dick, Karab, Billy and Stoofer all collapse with the 4th row too, rolling around covering their eyes and screaming
Frank: ORDER! ORDER!
Mantis looks around at the two rows which have collapsed. Will simply stands there, smirking
Will: Damn..works a treat!
Tavi squeals and quickly runs off naked, covering herself up too. The 4th row gets up, and collapses yet again
That Hispanic Guy: WHY DOESN’T THE PAIN STOP?!?!
Johan: JOHAN SEE BLOOD!!!
Jericho: I CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING PAST MY NECK!!!!
Sal, That Random Guy, That Other Random Guy and Brick watch the unfolding chaos
That Other Random Guy: Saw it coming, although I have to say my eyes seem to bleeding
That Other Random Guy wipes the blood from his eyes and looks at it
That Other Random Guy: I say, I feel like i’m rapidly losing conscious--
That Other Random Guy collapses. That Random Guy looks around
That Random Guy: I see naked--
That Random Guy collapses too, and Sal simply watches
Sal: Sweet jesus it’s the apocalypse!
Courtney stands up, fully naked
Courtney: ..Yeeeah, i’m gonna get some clothes. Wind feels nice though
Courtney walks off and Sal waves goodbye, sitting back straight in his seat
Sal: Whoops.
Sal collapses forward in his seat, hunching over. Bob watches, wide-eyed
Frank: I want--
Mantis: Leave it AND KISS ME!!
Mantis jumps at Frank and tackles him to the floor on the stage, kissing him passionately. The 4th row stands up again
Phil: HIT THE FLOOR LADS!!
They all collapse backwards. Will simply stands there, laughing triumphantly
Will: I know. You all love me.
Will and Raven sit on the third row, watching as Sal regains consciousness and sits up. Wolf, Tavi and Courtney, wearing underwear, slowly peek around the corner of a building
Will: OK! I’LL WASH IT OFF!
The fourth row start getting up, the sounds of pain and terror still filling the air. Will turns back to them
Will: GET UP YOU WIMPS!!
Maurice and Moe walk into the square. Moe hops down from Maurices back and watches silently
Moe: Jesus Maurice..What the fuck did we come back for?
Maurice: Y’know laddy, it’s cause we like them. It’s cause they’re all the fucking business...Other than that, I have no idea ya know.
Moe: They all look..insane
Frank stands up, correcting his collar. Mantis quickly zips up her catsuit and stands next to him, quickly pulling out a comb and combing her hair
Maurice: Looks like we arrived in good time my son, bloody good timing an’ all.
Jericho stands up, wiping the blood from under his eyes. He quickly stands his seat up and sits down. Phil grabs Jerichos trenchcoat and uses it to pull himself up, grabbing his chair and sitting in it. Moe and Maurice slowly walk forward, sitting on the front row near Bob and Octopus. Maurice has to take up 2 seats
Maurice: Bloody uncomfortable
Frank: Ok..just waiting for the stragglers
The rest of the 4th row get up and sit down. WOlf, COurtney and Tavi walk in, fully clothed again and sit on the 2nd row
Courtney: Damn, I was so comfortable!
Frank: Now all thats left are the three mercenaries..
That Random Guy: Fuck them! We’re the talking point!
Crowd: YEAH!
Brick: Lets be fair..they are the walking targets!
Silence. Murmur around the crowd. Frank slams the podium
Frank: OK!! We will wait!
Crowd: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Phil: BOOO!!!
Frank: Shut up, Phil!
Brick: Boo! Hiss!
Frank: GODDAMN MUTINOUS INSURREXTION!
Ivan: KABOOM!!!!!!!!
Silence. Ivan walks into the square and sees Frank, standing to attention and saluting
Ivan: Ivan, reporting for duty commandante!
Jericho: Sit down, Ivan!
Ivan: I make you Kaboom! You leave me in cell!
Brick: How’d you get out?
Silence. Ivan stares at Brick.
Brick: Oh yeah, kaboom.
Ivan: YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEAHHHHH MAN!!!!!!!!
Frank puts his head in his hands. Mantis rubs his back
Mantis: It’ll be over soon..
Phil stands up and points at Frank
Phil: LOOK WHO FORGOT IVAN, THE DUMB FUCK!!!
Frank: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
Phil points and laughs, sitting down
Bill: And speak of the devils!
Jim, Jimmy and John slouch into the square, mumbling under their breath
Frank: GENTLEMEN!! SEATS PLEASE!!
John: We just wiped out a unit of Praying Mantis and you want us to take a seat?!?!?
Silence. Frank nods.
John: You, sir, are a shit!
All of them holster their weapons onto their back and slouch in, sitting on the front row beside Maurice and Moe
Maurice: Welcome lads..
John: Yo Maurice..what does douchebag want?
Moe: Something about an announcement!
Jim: ..Fucking cuntflap
Frank: QUIET DOWN! YOU MAGGOTS!
Dave slowly walks into the square. Everyone stares. He's wearing the remnants of handcuffs on both hands
Dave: Thanks for waiting!
Frank: Sorry!
Phil stands up
Phil: YOU FUCKING FORGOT DAVE!!!
Frank: FUCK YOU!
Jericho stands and hurls his cigar butt at Frank. Frank catches it.
Frank: No smoking!
Jericho throws a wooden torch set alight at Frank. Frank screams and catches it, throwing it behind him.
Frank: FUCK OFF!!!
Dave flips the bird at Frank and takes a seat beside Phil
Dave: Good to be back..
Phil: Good to have you back, killer..
Silence. Frank looks around triumphantly. Sal looks bored, Daves eyes are flickering as if he’s about to fall asleep. Jericho lights up a cigar, looking dull. Even Ivan, normally hyperactive, is silently close to dozing off. Brick picks his ear and looks at the piece of earwax, showing Vince. Vince grins and gives the thumbs up. Frank coughs loudly.
Frank: Now, i’m going to hand it over to Scarle--I mean, Screaming Mantis..Who is going to placate those of you who will be left behind..
Silence.
Bill: Left..behind? We going on a trip?
Fank: ...Ok..I’ll start first honey
Mantis: Eeesh..as if they don’t know..
Frank: ...Ok
Frank coughs
Jericho: GET ON WITH IT!!
Frank: OK!! As you all may know..this is the Middle East of Metal Gear Solid 4..and that the blue portal we’ve experienced is part of a time rip..
Bill: YES!!
Frank: Anyway...within 2 weeks..there is a..guess..that the time rip will appear here..and consume us all into purgatory should we not go through a certain series of timecodes..
Sal: I don’t like where this is going!
FranK: In 3 weeks, we mercenaries will be marching off to Shadow Moses!
Dean: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sal: OH MY GOD!! THE HUMANITY!!
Bill: YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!!
Jim: LEEEEROOOYYYY...JENKIIIINNSSSS!!!!
Frank: SILENCE!!!
Silence. Dick whines.
Frank: As such..we need absolute dedication from you all! You are NOT to desert! We are the best trained unit in this part of the world, we are the tightest-knit unit of Mercenaries! When we go into Moses, I want no whining, no complaining, I want pure, grade-A killing machine!
Silence.
Frank: As such..its time we get serious..
Loud moaning.
frank: QUIET! YOU MORONS! I AM THE LEADER HERE!!
Jericho stands up
Jericho: SAYS WHO?!
Mantis reaches into her back pocket and grabs the Psycho Mantis doll, pointing it at Jericho. He simply shrugs, but strings suddenly attach to his back, arms, legs and head. He grimaces and sits down
Jericho: FUCKING BITCH!!!
His neck bends slightly and he groans in pain. Sal stands up
Sal: WE THE MERCENARIES SAY WE VOTE!!!!
Silence. Brick stands up
Brick: I SECOND THAT MOTION!!
Frank puts his head in his hands and kicks the podium, but he looks up
Frank: WHO VOTES ME!!
Every single hand raises
Frank: I am the overall leader then!
Jericho: SHE FUCKING RAISED MY HAND!!
Mantis: No I didn’t.
Silence.
Frank: Ok..I am the General. My 2nd in command is--
Phil: Me.
Frank: No, Phil.
Silence.
Phil: Why?
Frank: Because..you’re useless.
Silence.
Phil: These men trust me more than they trust you, Frank! I actually get the rounds in!
Murmurs of agreement.
Jericho: Who votes Phil is second in command?
Silence. No-one raises their hands except Jericho, Steve, Sal, Dean, Crying Wolf, Robbie and Brick.
Frank: Over-ruled.
Phil simply sits there. Jericho pats his back.
Phil: Well, at least no-ones expecting me to do something in battle anymore
Frank: So..my 2nd in command will be..SAL!!
Sal: Who?..Me?
Silence.
Sal: Awesome.
Sal looks back at Phil
Sal: Sorry guy.
Phil: No problem, buddy.
They lean over and give eachother a sympathy hi-5
Frank: My 3rd in command will be..Jericho
Jericho: YAY-YUS!!!!
Jericho raises his arms in triumph
Jericho: WHO’S YOUR DADDY?!?!?!?!
Phil looks up at him and points, laughing
Phil: Todays the end of your life! Its over! You get to lead this time! I’ll be behind you, kicking your ass forward!
Frank steps back from the podium and Mantis steps forward
Mantis: As such..Certain people will be staying behind, due to the sensitivity of the time loop..
Mantis clears her throat
Mantis: Me, Crying Wolf, Laughing Octopus, Tavi Whitten, Courtney McDermott, Jim Johnstone, Jimmy Smith and Jon Manguel
Jon: WHY US?!?!
MAntis: Technically..you’re cameo appearances. You’re an actual part of the fighting..as such..You have to stay
Jim, Jimmy and Jon: WOOHOO!!!
Jon stands up and points at the 4th row
Jon: YOU LOSE, SUCKAS--
That Hispanic Guy grabs his bullwhip and snaps it at him. Jon screams and sits down.
Dave: So why don’t you weirdos have to go, huh?
Mantis: It’s our story too.
Dave: But wouldn’t you have to travel back, anyway?
Mantis: No, because this is our timeline.
Dave: It’s ours too.
Mantis: We are actual characters here. Once the timeloop synchronizes with this timefeed, we will be part of the Unit you fear once again.
Eerie silence.
Frank: Uhh..really?
Octopus: Man, I am not looking forward to that again..
Wolf looks back at Phil
Wolf: Oh Phil...will you miss me?
Phil: Maybe later.
Frank: Buts its time, gentlemen. Your skills will come in useful at Moses too! Karab! Polish your shield! Dean! Get ready to carry food! Brick! Designated driver!
Brick: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Frank: We need to forge our own legacy here. Shadow Moses is where we stop next, and where we live out the legacy we so well deserve!!
The whole crowd stand up, raise their fists and yell out
Frank: NOW WHO WANTS TO GET PISSED!!!
As soon as he says that. the whole crowd vanish in a dustcloud, leaving Phil, Jericho, Crying Wolf, Frank and Mantis
Frank: ....As you were
Mantis stands at attention and salutes. Phil, Jericho and Wolf stand and salute. Mantis smiles and bows
Mantis: Thank you!
Frank stands and salutes. They all sit down
Frank: FUCK YOU ALL!!!
Phil flips him the bird and Frank stomps off. Mantis looks at them
Mantis: Y’know something..I like you
Silence.
Phil: Me?
Mantis: Yeah..I like you
Silence. Jericho sniggers.
Phil: Thanks..I..like you too?
Mantis: Mmm..don’t worry..I don’t eat my mate..in case you ever..want to..visit
She winks and walks from the stage and through an alley. Jericho laughs loudly and punches Phils arm
Jericho: WAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!
Phil: I’m screwed.
Jericho: Well..You’re one of the grunts now. Get used to it...Well, i’m gonna get pissed, see ya
Jericho stands up and walks out of the square, leaving Phil with his head in hands. SIlence. Wind blowing. Phil looks up
Phil: Well, time to go suck on an exhaust pipe
Phil slowly stands up and looks around the square
Phil: Abandonment: Thy name is Phil..
He looks at a dark shape doubled over in a seat
Phil: Wolf?
Wolf: ..What?
Phil: Why you not gone?
WOlf: Ehh...not in the mood for the sex games..
Phil: Sex games?
Wolf: Naked twister, vodka pong, strip poker, find the vibrator--
Phil: Ok, WAY too much information
Wolf: Since when?
Phil: Since ever. EVER.
Wolf: Can’t even go along to Shadow Moses..sitting here, bored..need some action..
Half of Phils brain: Don’t even think about it.
Other half of Phils brain: Why not? She’s lonely, needs attention, manly company..
Half of Phils brain: Shut up douche-fag!
Other half of Phils brain: MAKE ME!!
Sounds of punches and screams in Phils head. His head snaps to one side and he rubs his temple
Phil: Ow…
He shrugs and walks over to Wolf
Half of Phils brain: Don’t move assfag!
Phil steps forward and Wolf looks up at him, wiping a sparkling tear from her cheek
Wolf: What?..
Phil: Don’t give up Wolf. You’re a wonderful soldier and better friend. You can’t go to Shadow Moses because your story ties up with it too intricately. You need to stay here and guard home. Your time will come to fight.
Silence. Sound of a soft gust blowing
Other half of Phils brain: Such a good man you are..
Half of Phils brain: I fucking hate you! I hate you! I hope you fucking choke you bastard!
Other half of Phils brain: Sounds like another game of fisticuffs, put up your dukes, pussy!
Half of Phils brain: Bring it on bitchfaggot!
The sounds of screaming and punches happen again. Woflf just looks up at him, glassy-eyed and mouth half-open
Wolfs brain: He..does care about me..
Phils brain: EAT PUNCHES YOU LOUSY FUCK!!
Other half of Phils brain: BRING IT!! JUST TRY IT!!
Wolfs brain: Do it babe..just do it..
Wolf leans up and kisses Phil heavily on the lips. Phils eyes widen
Half of Phils brain: SWEET MERCIFUL CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wolf: Mmmm..
Wolf leans deeper into the kiss and Phil closes his eyes, leaning in deeper. Wolf falls back to the floor and Phil crawls on top of her, both of them kissing passionately on the sand
Wolfs brain: I’m just going to let lust take over babe..let it..
Wolf: mm..mmm..
Phil: mmmmm..
Half of Phils brain: YOU DIRTY, NO GOOD SON OF A--Oh for fucks--Now your aroused?! YOU TRAITOR!! HYPOCRITE!! MANWHORE!!
Wolf breaks the kiss and looks up at him
Wolf: Gun in your pocket?
Phil: You know it is.
Wolf: Two guns?
Phil: Only the one..
Wolf: YEEHAAAAA!!!
Wolf wraps her arms around his neck and pulls him down, kissing him harder and unbuttoning her shirt.
The camera quickly cuts to the Lamb and Flag
Frank is sitting on a bar stool, alone. Silence. The whole bar is staring at him. Sal, Brick, Steve, That Random Guy and Billy are on one table. Dave, Bob, Vince, Bobby, Karab and Dean on another. Next to their table sit Fedor Emelienenko, Ken Shamrock, Randy Couture, Chuck Liddell, Johnny Cash and Frank Sinatra. Opposite their table sit That Hispanic Guy, Jim, John, Stoofer, Johan, That Other Random Guy, Obese Maurice and Moe The Midget. Near them sit Tavi, Courtney, Raging Raven, Will and Laughing Octopus. Everyone is staring daggers at Frank, including Robbie who’s sitting at the bar
Frank: ..What?
Silence.
Frank: Jesus, just because I broke the news we’re due for battle--
Bob: Thanks..
Frank: Coach Lynch taught most of you this is what would happen!
Johnny Cash: I’ll have no-ones ass to kick for a few months..so I see we kick yours!
Frank: CALM! COME ON! DON’T SHOOT THE MESSENGER!
That Hispanic Guy: He’s right!
Silence.
That Hispanic Guy: Robbie, beat his ass
Robbie stands up and cracks his knuckles threateningly, advancing on Frank. Frank stumbles back and looks at Dick
Frank: Help?!
Dick shakes his head and Frank screams, running upstairs as Robbie gives chase. The bar immediately breaks into chatter. Jericho walks into the bar and sits on Robbies stool. That Hispanic Guy whistles and motions for him to sit at their table. Jericho slams down some notes and Dick hands him a pint. Jericho walks past Sals table
Sal: I see we mutiny, who volunteers?
No-one on the table put their hands up. Steve half-raises it, but Billy glares at him and he whimpers, putting it down
Sal: Cowards..why are we afraid of a guy who looks like a freakin’ hobo?
Raven: I agree with Sal! Lets just cut his throat!
Silence.
Sal: I was thinking more along tar and feather him..but we won’t drop that idea!
Emalienenko: Why don’t you all just impose your authority on him? One man would fear one hundred enemies.
Sal: BRILLIANT!!
Jericho stops running his finger around the rim of his glass, yawning
Jericho: Your attempts to stir up a revolution are, to be honest, shit.
Maurice: Look, laddy..we all ain’t pleased at having to fight..but we gotta, ya know? Or we ain’t mercenaries..
Sal: Oh yeah, mercenaries? Who pays us?
Dick: Yeah..Frank seems to pocket a lot of the money!
Will: Never trust a man who’s moustache has more style than his own body!
Bob: Says you, Will
Bob laughs and slaps his shoulder. Will simply shrugs
Will: I pride myself in my appearance. I’m so hot people have to put on suncream just to touch me. Poor Raven goes through five bottles a day
That Hispanic Guy: Man..you are one disturbed puto..
Jericho: Doesn’t the money go to our barracks?..
Frank runs the stairs, breathing heavily and looking around
Sal: Hey, Frank, if we’re mercenaries, who pays us and where does the money go to?!
Bar: YEAH?!
Frank sits down on a stool and faces them
Frank: Our barracks get paid by the British and American governments you idiots! We ourselves aren’t so much mercenaries as guerillas..militia..we’re our own fighting corps.
Moe: Thats shit! Why don’t we take on the governments?
Jim: Too big of a job..we’d have to have big balls for that..
Will: You called?
Jim: Metaphor, you fucking jerk-off!
Frank: Guys..whats with the hostility?
Bar: We’re going to Shadow Moses.
Frank: Pff..What did you think we’re here for?
Jericho; To drink.
Cash: To have fun
Sal: To go nuts
Will: To make love to beautiful women.
Stoofer: To live free.
Brick: To be our own person.
Frank: ...Well too fucking bad! We have to do this!
Moe: You know what? I say we scrap this leadership system
Moe looks up at Maurice and motions for a boost. Maurice grabs Moe under the arms and lifts him onto the table. Everyone looks at Moe.
Moe: Seems to me like everyones getting more hostile because we have to listen to a fucking hobo. I saw..why follow a leader? If we aren’t mercenaries, then why do we need a leader?
Silence. Everyone turns to Frank
Ivan: He’s got a point, Frank. Ve alvays seem to be following you..
Silence.
Frank: Guys..will you just listen to yourselves? The fact is, without leadership, there would be more hostility! Who would make decisions?! Who would make tactics?! Who would unite us all?!
Mantis: My sugars got a point..United we stand..divided we fall
Courtney: Exactly! Besides, the more of us there are together, the bigger the whirlwind of destruction!
Frank: Tell you what..i’ll get Coach Lynch in to lead us
Silence.
Bar: YEAH!!
Frank: ARE YOU ALL INSANE?! This is the man who taught you through your time in the barracks! He’d lock you in a cage if one of you got a question wrong!
Karab: Yes, but he united us all!
Frank remains silently dumbstruck
Frank: OK! Fine! I’ll get him! Being a Head Honcho, I’ll speak to him! Would you all like that?
Sal: YEAH!!
Will: YEAH!!
Dave: YEAH!!
Bob smirks and watches as Frank stands up and walks outside
Frank: I’LL GET HIM!!
Mantis quickly gets up and walks out after him. The whole bar starts cheering
Dick: Ok guys, you all win. Everyone gets 5 free drinks!
Shamrock: I’ll miss you guys!!
==
Night rolls into the Middle East, and the only building lit is Franks house and the Lamb and Flag. The streetlamps fill the sandy streets with an orange glow, as well as highlighting the square which still has metal folding chairs in it. On the wooden stage in front of the destroyed town hall, Phil and Wolf are laying with a random blanket covering them. Wolf is laying with her head on Phils chest
Wolf: Uhh...we went overboard?
Silence.
Phil: Yes..
Wolf: At least--
Phil: Don’t say it
Wolf: Say what?
Phil: No-one can see us--....Ahhhh shit
Will, Dave, Jericho, Karab, Dean, Sal, Brick, Raven, Octopus, Bob, Stoofer, That Hispanic Guy and Billy walk into the square. Phil quickly hides under the covers, leaving Wolf laying there as they walk past, not noticing
Octopus: You guys should go easy on him! He’s led you for god-knows-how-long now!
Karab: But he’s starting to get..power-hungry!
Dean: My man Karabs got a point..Franks always been a bit nutty, but he just keeps enforcing authority on us! I love the man as a brother, but he’s overstepping the line.
Raven stops and glances at the podium
Raven: Hi Wolf..
Everyone stops and looks at Wolf, laying naked under a blanket
Wolf:.....Hi?
Octopus: Hi..Wolf..What ar you doing in public..naked..covered with a blanket?
She smiles nervously and shrugs
Wolf: ...Sleeping?
Jericho takes the cigar out of his mouth and points at the lump beside her
Jericho: With a teddy?
Wolf: Yes..
Phil sneezes and the lump shudders
Dave: What the fuck was that?!
Dave looks around, cautiously. The lump quickly stops moving.
Dean: Hang on, where’s Phil been?
Sal: ....OHHHHHHHHH!!! SNAP!!
Brick: What?
Sal: Nothing. You blithering idiots.
Silence.
Jericho: Can I see the teddy?
Wolf: No..
Jericho: Ok Phil, you can come out
The lump doesn’t move
That Hispanic Guy: Yeah, thats Phil. Lazy lump.
Phil slowly peers out of the covers, sitting up. Silence.
Dean: So you two are back together?
Silence.
Wolf: Well..
Phil looks at Wolf
Wolf: ....Yes. Yes we are.
Phils eyes widen and his mouth widens
Phil: SERIOUSLY?!
Wolf: Well, the sex was great, I didn’t move out..I’ll just run the shop..
Phil chokes and Jericho starts chuckling, taking a deep puff of the cigar
Wolf: Tavi doesn’t mind..She even encouraged me..hell, Courtney even gave me the thumbs up
Silence. Billy points at laugh and starts maniacally
Billy: WOOOOOOO!!! FUCKING BURNED!!
Tom Morello runs in and points at Phil
Morello: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Silence.
Morello: You’ve just been burned!
Silence.
Morello: Burned!
Morello runs off, cackling
Phil: Well..if that’s the case..GIMME SOME SUGAR!!
Wolf: OH, PHIL!!
Phil pulls Wolf under the cover, kissing her passionately as he does. After a while, the covers start to writhe and pulsate, loud moans coming from under them
Karab: OH MY SWEET ALLAH!!
Dean: RUN!! I DON’T WANNA SEE PENIS!!!
Mantis: Frank..take me home
Frank: Yes. Yes I will.
The crowd runs off, screaming, or, in Mantis and Franks case, in eachothers arms. Wolf and Phil re-surface
Phil: That scared ‘em..
Wolf keeps breathing heavily, her hair skew-wiff
WOlf: Uhh..are we having sex?
Phil lifts the covers and looks
Phil: Yes. Yes we are.
Both of them quickly dive beneath the covers again.
In Franks house, he’s sitting on his couch, rubbing the side of his temple while drinking bourbon from the bottle.
Frank: I think..I might just give up leadership..
Bob: Oh quiet, you big baby
Bob is standing in the doorway. He holds it open and Octopus walks in, moving her short blonde hair from her eyes and sitting on the couch opposite Frank. Bob sits beside her
Bob: Maybe Frank..you gotta stop being so powerhungry and authoritative..Everyone hates authority..You’re stirring a revolution beneath your nose..Everyone likes you..hell, people say you’re cool, but you’re being..a cunt.
Frank: I know..well, Coach Lynch is coming down tomorrow..
Octopus: Coach Lynch?
Bob: The single most psychotic bastard history has ever seen. He once strung up Brick upside down by his ankles just because he was chewing gum
Octopus’s eyes widen
Octopus: JESUS!!
Bob: Say what you want..man got us battle-hardened
Frank: Eeesh..I need something to cheer me up--
Mantis walks out, covered in only a blanket and grabs Franks hand
Mantis: Let’s rock, big boy.
Frank: ...uhh...I have a ...cold.
Mantis: Don’t fuck with me and fuck me.
Frank stares at Bob
Bob: Good luck, drunky
Frank: BASTARD!!
Mantis grabs Frank and drags him to the bedroom. Frank screams loudly as Mantis shuts and locks the bedroom door. The sound of a pounce and muffled screams as well as bedsprings
Bob: ..And personally, I think I should be leader..
Octopus simply keeps looking up at Bob. Bob looks down at her
Bob: Is your eye glinting?
Silence.
Bob: ....Oh. Fuck.
Octopus jumps up and onto Bob. He screams and hits the floor with Octopus on top of him. The door opens and Dave enters, hanging up his trilby on the coatrack beside the door
Dave: Eeesh, what a day..Mr. Jackscar here just had to shoo away Liquid Ocelot! Bastard was trying to use Guns of the Patriots on a few rabbits--
Dave looks down at Bob and Octopus making out. He quickly grabs his trilby again and turns around
Dave: I saw everything.
He slams the door and the scene fades
Silence. Frank looks around triumphantly. Sal looks bored, Daves eyes are flickering as if he’s about to fall asleep. Jericho lights up a cigar, looking dull. Even Ivan, normally hyperactive, is silently close to dozing off. Brick picks his ear and looks at the piece of earwax, showing Vince. Vince grins and gives the thumbs up. Frank coughs loudly.
Frank: Now, i’m going to hand it over to Scarle--I mean, Screaming Mantis..Who is going to placate those of you who will be left behind..
Silence.
Bill: Left..behind? We going on a trip?
Fank: ...Ok..I’ll start first honey
Mantis: Eeesh..as if they don’t know..
Frank: ...Ok
Frank coughs
Jericho: GET ON WITH IT!!
Frank: OK!! As you all may know..this is the Middle East of Metal Gear Solid 4..and that the blue portal we’ve experienced is part of a time rip..
Bill: YES!!
Frank: Anyway...within 2 weeks..there is a..guess..that the time rip will appear here..and consume us all into purgatory should we not go through a certain series of timecodes..
Sal: I don’t like where this is going!
FranK: In 3 weeks, we mercenaries will be marching off to Shadow Moses!
Dean: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sal: OH MY GOD!! THE HUMANITY!!
Bill: YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!!
Jim: LEEEEROOOYYYY...JENKIIIINNSSSS!!!!
Frank: SILENCE!!!
Silence. Dick whines.
Frank: As such..we need absolute dedication from you all! You are NOT to desert! We are the best trained unit in this part of the world, we are the tightest-knit unit of Mercenaries! When we go into Moses, I want no whining, no complaining, I want pure, grade-A killing machine!
Silence.
Frank: As such..its time we get serious..
Loud moaning.
frank: QUIET! YOU MORONS! I AM THE LEADER HERE!!
Jericho stands up
Jericho: SAYS WHO?!
Mantis reaches into her back pocket and grabs the Psycho Mantis doll, pointing it at Jericho. He simply shrugs, but strings suddenly attach to his back, arms, legs and head. He grimaces and sits down
Jericho: FUCKING BITCH!!!
His neck bends slightly and he groans in pain. Sal stands up
Sal: WE THE MERCENARIES SAY WE VOTE!!!!
Silence. Brick stands up
Brick: I SECOND THAT MOTION!!
Frank puts his head in his hands and kicks the podium, but he looks up
Frank: WHO VOTES ME!!
Every single hand raises
Frank: I am the overall leader then!
Jericho: SHE FUCKING RAISED MY HAND!!
Mantis: No I didn’t.
Silence.
Frank: Ok..I am the General. My 2nd in command is--
Phil: Me.
Frank: No, Phil.
Silence.
Phil: Why?
Frank: Because..you’re useless.
Silence.
Phil: These men trust me more than they trust you, Frank! I actually get the rounds in!
Murmurs of agreement.
Jericho: Who votes Phil is second in command?
Silence. No-one raises their hands except Jericho, Steve, Sal, Dean, Crying Wolf, Robbie and Brick.
Frank: Over-ruled.
Phil simply sits there. Jericho pats his back.
Phil: Well, at least no-ones expecting me to do something in battle anymore
Frank: So..my 2nd in command will be..SAL!!
Sal: Who?..Me?
Silence.
Sal: Awesome.
Sal looks back at Phil
Sal: Sorry guy.
Phil: No problem, buddy.
They lean over and give eachother a sympathy hi-5
Frank: My 3rd in command will be..Jericho
Jericho: YAY-YUS!!!!
Jericho raises his arms in triumph
Jericho: WHO’S YOUR DADDY?!?!?!?!
Phil looks up at him and points, laughing
Phil: Todays the end of your life! Its over! You get to lead this time! I’ll be behind you, kicking your ass forward!
Frank steps back from the podium and Mantis steps forward
Mantis: As such..Certain people will be staying behind, due to the sensitivity of the time loop..
Mantis clears her throat
Mantis: Me, Crying Wolf, Laughing Octopus, Tavi Whitten, Courtney McDermott, Jim Johnstone, Jimmy Smith and Jon Manguel
Jon: WHY US?!?!
MAntis: Technically..you’re cameo appearances. You’re an actual part of the fighting..as such..You have to stay
Jim, Jimmy and Jon: WOOHOO!!!
Jon stands up and points at the 4th row
Jon: YOU LOSE, SUCKAS--
That Hispanic Guy grabs his bullwhip and snaps it at him. Jon screams and sits down.
Dave: So why don’t you weirdos have to go, huh?
Mantis: It’s our story too.
Dave: But wouldn’t you have to travel back, anyway?
Mantis: No, because this is our timeline.
Dave: It’s ours too.
Mantis: We are actual characters here. Once the timeloop synchronizes with this timefeed, we will be part of the Unit you fear once again.
Eerie silence.
Frank: Uhh..really?
Octopus: Man, I am not looking forward to that again..
Wolf looks back at Phil
Wolf: Oh Phil...will you miss me?
Phil: Maybe later.
Frank: Buts its time, gentlemen. Your skills will come in useful at Moses too! Karab! Polish your shield! Dean! Get ready to carry food! Brick! Designated driver!
Brick: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Frank: We need to forge our own legacy here. Shadow Moses is where we stop next, and where we live out the legacy we so well deserve!!
The whole crowd stand up, raise their fists and yell out
Frank: NOW WHO WANTS TO GET PISSED!!!
As soon as he says that. the whole crowd vanish in a dustcloud, leaving Phil, Jericho, Crying Wolf, Frank and Mantis
Frank: ....As you were
Mantis stands at attention and salutes. Phil, Jericho and Wolf stand and salute. Mantis smiles and bows
Mantis: Thank you!
Frank stands and salutes. They all sit down
Frank: FUCK YOU ALL!!!
Phil flips him the bird and Frank stomps off. Mantis looks at them
Mantis: Y’know something..I like you
Silence.
Phil: Me?
Mantis: Yeah..I like you
Silence. Jericho sniggers.
Phil: Thanks..I..like you too?
Mantis: Mmm..don’t worry..I don’t eat my mate..in case you ever..want to..visit
She winks and walks from the stage and through an alley. Jericho laughs loudly and punches Phils arm
Jericho: WAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!
Phil: I’m screwed.
Jericho: Well..You’re one of the grunts now. Get used to it...Well, i’m gonna get pissed, see ya
Jericho stands up and walks out of the square, leaving Phil with his head in hands. SIlence. Wind blowing. Phil looks up
Phil: Well, time to go suck on an exhaust pipe
Phil slowly stands up and looks around the square
Phil: Abandonment: Thy name is Phil..
He looks at a dark shape doubled over in a seat
Phil: Wolf?
Wolf: ..What?
Phil: Why you not gone?
WOlf: Ehh...not in the mood for the sex games..
Phil: Sex games?
Wolf: Naked twister, vodka pong, strip poker, find the vibrator--
Phil: Ok, WAY too much information
Wolf: Since when?
Phil: Since ever. EVER.
Wolf: Can’t even go along to Shadow Moses..sitting here, bored..need some action..
Half of Phils brain: Don’t even think about it.
Other half of Phils brain: Why not? She’s lonely, needs attention, manly company..
Half of Phils brain: Shut up douche-fag!
Other half of Phils brain: MAKE ME!!
Sounds of punches and screams in Phils head. His head snaps to one side and he rubs his temple
Phil: Ow…
He shrugs and walks over to Wolf
Half of Phils brain: Don’t move assfag!
Phil steps forward and Wolf looks up at him, wiping a sparkling tear from her cheek
Wolf: What?..
Phil: Don’t give up Wolf. You’re a wonderful soldier and better friend. You can’t go to Shadow Moses because your story ties up with it too intricately. You need to stay here and guard home. Your time will come to fight.
Silence. Sound of a soft gust blowing
Other half of Phils brain: Such a good man you are..
Half of Phils brain: I fucking hate you! I hate you! I hope you fucking choke you bastard!
Other half of Phils brain: Sounds like another game of fisticuffs, put up your dukes, pussy!
Half of Phils brain: Bring it on bitchfaggot!
The sounds of screaming and punches happen again. Woflf just looks up at him, glassy-eyed and mouth half-open
Wolfs brain: He..does care about me..
Phils brain: EAT PUNCHES YOU LOUSY FUCK!!
Other half of Phils brain: BRING IT!! JUST TRY IT!!
Wolfs brain: Do it babe..just do it..
Wolf leans up and kisses Phil heavily on the lips. Phils eyes widen
Half of Phils brain: SWEET MERCIFUL CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wolf: Mmmm..
Wolf leans deeper into the kiss and Phil closes his eyes, leaning in deeper. Wolf falls back to the floor and Phil crawls on top of her, both of them kissing passionately on the sand
Wolfs brain: I’m just going to let lust take over babe..let it..
Wolf: mm..mmm..
Phil: mmmmm..
Half of Phils brain: YOU DIRTY, NO GOOD SON OF A--Oh for fucks--Now your aroused?! YOU TRAITOR!! HYPOCRITE!! MANWHORE!!
Wolf breaks the kiss and looks up at him
Wolf: Gun in your pocket?
Phil: You know it is.
Wolf: Two guns?
Phil: Only the one..
Wolf: YEEHAAAAA!!!
Wolf wraps her arms around his neck and pulls him down, kissing him harder and unbuttoning her shirt.
The camera quickly cuts to the Lamb and Flag
Frank is sitting on a bar stool, alone. Silence. The whole bar is staring at him. Sal, Brick, Steve, That Random Guy and Billy are on one table. Dave, Bob, Vince, Bobby, Karab and Dean on another. Next to their table sit Fedor Emelienenko, Ken Shamrock, Randy Couture, Chuck Liddell, Johnny Cash and Frank Sinatra. Opposite their table sit That Hispanic Guy, Jim, John, Stoofer, Johan, That Other Random Guy, Obese Maurice and Moe The Midget. Near them sit Tavi, Courtney, Raging Raven, Will and Laughing Octopus. Everyone is staring daggers at Frank, including Robbie who’s sitting at the bar
Frank: ..What?
Silence.
Frank: Jesus, just because I broke the news we’re due for battle--
Bob: Thanks..
Frank: Coach Lynch taught most of you this is what would happen!
Johnny Cash: I’ll have no-ones ass to kick for a few months..so I see we kick yours!
Frank: CALM! COME ON! DON’T SHOOT THE MESSENGER!
That Hispanic Guy: He’s right!
Silence.
That Hispanic Guy: Robbie, beat his ass
Robbie stands up and cracks his knuckles threateningly, advancing on Frank. Frank stumbles back and looks at Dick
Frank: Help?!
Dick shakes his head and Frank screams, running upstairs as Robbie gives chase. The bar immediately breaks into chatter. Jericho walks into the bar and sits on Robbies stool. That Hispanic Guy whistles and motions for him to sit at their table. Jericho slams down some notes and Dick hands him a pint. Jericho walks past Sals table
Sal: I see we mutiny, who volunteers?
No-one on the table put their hands up. Steve half-raises it, but Billy glares at him and he whimpers, putting it down
Sal: Cowards..why are we afraid of a guy who looks like a freakin’ hobo?
Raven: I agree with Sal! Lets just cut his throat!
Silence.
Sal: I was thinking more along tar and feather him..but we won’t drop that idea!
Emalienenko: Why don’t you all just impose your authority on him? One man would fear one hundred enemies.
Sal: BRILLIANT!!
Jericho stops running his finger around the rim of his glass, yawning
Jericho: Your attempts to stir up a revolution are, to be honest, shit.
Maurice: Look, laddy..we all ain’t pleased at having to fight..but we gotta, ya know? Or we ain’t mercenaries..
Sal: Oh yeah, mercenaries? Who pays us?
Dick: Yeah..Frank seems to pocket a lot of the money!
Will: Never trust a man who’s moustache has more style than his own body!
Bob: Says you, Will
Bob laughs and slaps his shoulder. Will simply shrugs
Will: I pride myself in my appearance. I’m so hot people have to put on suncream just to touch me. Poor Raven goes through five bottles a day
That Hispanic Guy: Man..you are one disturbed puto..
Jericho: Doesn’t the money go to our barracks?..
Frank runs the stairs, breathing heavily and looking around
Sal: Hey, Frank, if we’re mercenaries, who pays us and where does the money go to?!
Bar: YEAH?!
Frank sits down on a stool and faces them
Frank: Our barracks get paid by the British and American governments you idiots! We ourselves aren’t so much mercenaries as guerillas..militia..we’re our own fighting corps.
Moe: Thats shit! Why don’t we take on the governments?
Jim: Too big of a job..we’d have to have big balls for that..
Will: You called?
Jim: Metaphor, you fucking jerk-off!
Frank: Guys..whats with the hostility?
Bar: We’re going to Shadow Moses.
Frank: Pff..What did you think we’re here for?
Jericho; To drink.
Cash: To have fun
Sal: To go nuts
Will: To make love to beautiful women.
Stoofer: To live free.
Brick: To be our own person.
Frank: ...Well too fucking bad! We have to do this!
Moe: You know what? I say we scrap this leadership system
Moe looks up at Maurice and motions for a boost. Maurice grabs Moe under the arms and lifts him onto the table. Everyone looks at Moe.
Moe: Seems to me like everyones getting more hostile because we have to listen to a fucking hobo. I saw..why follow a leader? If we aren’t mercenaries, then why do we need a leader?
Silence. Everyone turns to Frank
Ivan: He’s got a point, Frank. Ve alvays seem to be following you..
Silence.
Frank: Guys..will you just listen to yourselves? The fact is, without leadership, there would be more hostility! Who would make decisions?! Who would make tactics?! Who would unite us all?!
Mantis: My sugars got a point..United we stand..divided we fall
Courtney: Exactly! Besides, the more of us there are together, the bigger the whirlwind of destruction!
Frank: Tell you what..i’ll get Coach Lynch in to lead us
Silence.
Bar: YEAH!!
Frank: ARE YOU ALL INSANE?! This is the man who taught you through your time in the barracks! He’d lock you in a cage if one of you got a question wrong!
Karab: Yes, but he united us all!
Frank remains silently dumbstruck
Frank: OK! Fine! I’ll get him! Being a Head Honcho, I’ll speak to him! Would you all like that?
Sal: YEAH!!
Will: YEAH!!
Dave: YEAH!!
Bob smirks and watches as Frank stands up and walks outside
Frank: I’LL GET HIM!!
Mantis quickly gets up and walks out after him. The whole bar starts cheering
Dick: Ok guys, you all win. Everyone gets 5 free drinks!
Shamrock: I’ll miss you guys!!
==
Night rolls into the Middle East, and the only building lit is Franks house and the Lamb and Flag. The streetlamps fill the sandy streets with an orange glow, as well as highlighting the square which still has metal folding chairs in it. On the wooden stage in front of the destroyed town hall, Phil and Wolf are laying with a random blanket covering them. Wolf is laying with her head on Phils chest
Wolf: Uhh...we went overboard?
Silence.
Phil: Yes..
Wolf: At least--
Phil: Don’t say it
Wolf: Say what?
Phil: No-one can see us--....Ahhhh shit
Will, Dave, Jericho, Karab, Dean, Sal, Brick, Raven, Octopus, Bob, Stoofer, That Hispanic Guy and Billy walk into the square. Phil quickly hides under the covers, leaving Wolf laying there as they walk past, not noticing
Octopus: You guys should go easy on him! He’s led you for god-knows-how-long now!
Karab: But he’s starting to get..power-hungry!
Dean: My man Karabs got a point..Franks always been a bit nutty, but he just keeps enforcing authority on us! I love the man as a brother, but he’s overstepping the line.
Raven stops and glances at the podium
Raven: Hi Wolf..
Everyone stops and looks at Wolf, laying naked under a blanket
Wolf:.....Hi?
Octopus: Hi..Wolf..What ar you doing in public..naked..covered with a blanket?
She smiles nervously and shrugs
Wolf: ...Sleeping?
Jericho takes the cigar out of his mouth and points at the lump beside her
Jericho: With a teddy?
Wolf: Yes..
Phil sneezes and the lump shudders
Dave: What the fuck was that?!
Dave looks around, cautiously. The lump quickly stops moving.
Dean: Hang on, where’s Phil been?
Sal: ....OHHHHHHHHH!!! SNAP!!
Brick: What?
Sal: Nothing. You blithering idiots.
Silence.
Jericho: Can I see the teddy?
Wolf: No..
Jericho: Ok Phil, you can come out
The lump doesn’t move
That Hispanic Guy: Yeah, thats Phil. Lazy lump.
Phil slowly peers out of the covers, sitting up. Silence.
Dean: So you two are back together?
Silence.
Wolf: Well..
Phil looks at Wolf
Wolf: ....Yes. Yes we are.
Phils eyes widen and his mouth widens
Phil: SERIOUSLY?!
Wolf: Well, the sex was great, I didn’t move out..I’ll just run the shop..
Phil chokes and Jericho starts chuckling, taking a deep puff of the cigar
Wolf: Tavi doesn’t mind..She even encouraged me..hell, Courtney even gave me the thumbs up
Silence. Billy points at laugh and starts maniacally
Billy: WOOOOOOO!!! FUCKING BURNED!!
Tom Morello runs in and points at Phil
Morello: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Silence.
Morello: You’ve just been burned!
Silence.
Morello: Burned!
Morello runs off, cackling
Phil: Well..if that’s the case..GIMME SOME SUGAR!!
Wolf: OH, PHIL!!
Phil pulls Wolf under the cover, kissing her passionately as he does. After a while, the covers start to writhe and pulsate, loud moans coming from under them
Karab: OH MY SWEET ALLAH!!
Dean: RUN!! I DON’T WANNA SEE PENIS!!!
Mantis: Frank..take me home
Frank: Yes. Yes I will.
The crowd runs off, screaming, or, in Mantis and Franks case, in eachothers arms. Wolf and Phil re-surface
Phil: That scared ‘em..
Wolf keeps breathing heavily, her hair skew-wiff
WOlf: Uhh..are we having sex?
Phil lifts the covers and looks
Phil: Yes. Yes we are.
Both of them quickly dive beneath the covers again.
In Franks house, he’s sitting on his couch, rubbing the side of his temple while drinking bourbon from the bottle.
Frank: I think..I might just give up leadership..
Bob: Oh quiet, you big baby
Bob is standing in the doorway. He holds it open and Octopus walks in, moving her short blonde hair from her eyes and sitting on the couch opposite Frank. Bob sits beside her
Bob: Maybe Frank..you gotta stop being so powerhungry and authoritative..Everyone hates authority..You’re stirring a revolution beneath your nose..Everyone likes you..hell, people say you’re cool, but you’re being..a cunt.
Frank: I know..well, Coach Lynch is coming down tomorrow..
Octopus: Coach Lynch?
Bob: The single most psychotic bastard history has ever seen. He once strung up Brick upside down by his ankles just because he was chewing gum
Octopus’s eyes widen
Octopus: JESUS!!
Bob: Say what you want..man got us battle-hardened
Frank: Eeesh..I need something to cheer me up--
Mantis walks out, covered in only a blanket and grabs Franks hand
Mantis: Let’s rock, big boy.
Frank: ...uhh...I have a ...cold.
Mantis: Don’t fuck with me and fuck me.
Frank stares at Bob
Bob: Good luck, drunky
Frank: BASTARD!!
Mantis grabs Frank and drags him to the bedroom. Frank screams loudly as Mantis shuts and locks the bedroom door. The sound of a pounce and muffled screams as well as bedsprings
Bob: ..And personally, I think I should be leader..
Octopus simply keeps looking up at Bob. Bob looks down at her
Bob: Is your eye glinting?
Silence.
Bob: ....Oh. Fuck.
Octopus jumps up and onto Bob. He screams and hits the floor with Octopus on top of him. The door opens and Dave enters, hanging up his trilby on the coatrack beside the door
Dave: Eeesh, what a day..Mr. Jackscar here just had to shoo away Liquid Ocelot! Bastard was trying to use Guns of the Patriots on a few rabbits--
Dave looks down at Bob and Octopus making out. He quickly grabs his trilby again and turns around
Dave: I saw everything.
He slams the door and the scene fades
Nice one, Phil! Love it! Good to see the Mercs back in action again.
ReplyDeleteI think this must be one of the most hilarious of the series you've made babe. Seriously,it's as rockin' as ever!
ReplyDeletethe one part with you and Wolf kinda reminded me of a scene from family guyx3
ReplyDelete