Chapter VII - Bad Company

THE STORY SO FAR

An alternative timeline to Metal Gear Solid: It's 2015, Solid Snake's death has meant that the Shadow Moses Uprising was successful. Liquid Ocelot controls 5 major PMC's unopposed, their combined power rivalling that of the United States military and giving them a pivotal position in the ongoing war economy.

In this war, the United Nations, a puppet arm of the Patriots AI, has control over five sanctioned mercenary academies: One in Britain, One in France, One in America, One in Japan and One in the Middle East, specifically Egypt. The Middle East Academy, based in the Sinai Desert, was originally sanctioned in 1972, originally sanctioned by Zero as a means of wider testing of the Perfect Soldier Project: Soldiers placed into sensory deprivation tanks would emerge as perfect soldiers with deadened emotions and heightened senses. The Project was a complete disaster. Elsewhere, the Project had led to the creation of 'Null', a super soldier who would become Grey Fox, but in the Middle East, all soldiers (Taken from the ranks of local militias and the Israeli army) were either killed in the tanks, or simply killed eachother on release. Deemed a failure, the Academy was quickly shut in 1975.

The Middle East Academy was reopened in 1989, this time by the United Nations whom secured and cleared out the original facility, who took over when the Academies in America and France were opened. Despite being labelled 'Academies', they functioned more as re-training premises for former soldiers. Re-trained, the soldiers were sent out to areas undergoing rebellions, revolutions and minor state conflicts . Other Academies followed. The most recent Academy opened was the Academy in France, opened in 2000.

In 2009, the presence of the Academies were declassified to the general public. At this time, when America's withdrawal from world affairs and unwillingness to get involved in world affairs militarily, PMC's were growing in power and war was beginning to influence the global economy. The Academies were accepted as a means of protecting interests in their respective countries, especially as their armed forces dwindled in the face of growing economic problems. Mercenaries were cheaper, and ex-soldiers could be re-conscripted and recycled. A commodity. Placed in hotspots of PMC and rebel activity such as Britain and the Middle East, they provided the perfect meal for richer nations of the UN: Cheap commodities that prolonged the war economy, giving them chances for greater financial gains. Accompanied with PMC's utilising SoP, allowing for the artifical control of warfares intensity, the combined cheap mercenaries/controlled PMC's created the perfect environment for a thriving war economy.

Any country could hire them. Mostly used for local conflicts and rebellion supression, products of the Mercenary Academies were quickly snapped up by the rebels themselves. From 2012, as Ocelot began tightening his stranglehold on the world by controlling the 5 largest PMC's, Mercenaries quickly became synonymous with rebels. PMC's had no need for mercenaries, so rebels swiftly snapped them up in their fight against the PMC's. Egypt, recognised as the first country to undergo a successful rebellion, installed mercenaries, alongside the Taliban, as guards for the country, though Praying Mantis PMC presence remains commonplace. For the Patriots AI, this simply didn't matter, as it meant the continuation of the war economy, and for Ocelot, it simply meant the continuation of a world absorbed in war.

Though the Academy was created by the United Nations, In 2015 it is classified as currently and entirely being under the hire of the Egyptian government to fight the Praying Mantis PMC. It is the first Academy to have been entirely hired in such a way. Despite this, Mother Mercenary remains the head of the Academy, though with her resources tied up with fighting off Ocelot and Praying Mantis.

Mother Mercenary is classified not only as being the head of this Academy, but as the head of the other four Academies, the global leader of United Nations-sanctioned mercenaries. An unwilling pawn, Mother's role is key in keeping global conflicts alight and the war economy thriving as the mercenaries that are trained are regularly hired and sent off to countries under the guise of fighting either Ocelot's PMC's or local rebels, though the truth is that they simply aggravate the war economy.

In 2015, Mother Mercenary decided to put forward a plan to end the state of global war and destroy the war economy: Send a company of her own, most expendable, mercenaries back to 2005, in a desperate attempt to ensure the survival of Solid Snake, the famed soldier whose legend remained strong, even in death. If anyone could stop Ocelot, it would be the man who killed Big Boss himself.

Utilising Project Eos, located beneath the Academy, Mother successfully sent Reject Company toShadow Moses Island in 2005 by manipulating time with Project Eos. The mission was a success: Reject Company, led by Marcus Lynch, turned time. Solid Snake was not killed by REX, but survived and destroyed the nuclear weapon.

Returning, the global tide hasn't changed: Though Solid Snake survived Shadow Moses Island, he was killed during the events of the USS Discovery hijacking by Revolver Ocelot. Liquid Ocelot remains in control of the 5 major PMC's, albeit without REX as a trump card and without a Genome Army as the precursor to the PMC's, as well as Liquid's influence growing heavily over his body.

In a fit of possession, 'Liquid' ordered the kidnapping of Billy Wallace and Eligio Marquez by Praying Mantis, transporting both men to Hungary where they were rescued. The reaction of the United Nations was null: Though the global conflict had taken a few changes, the result was still the same. If anything, global conflicts were raging even more. The Patriots, however, appear to be attempting to find the culprits responsible for changing the course of time.

Currently, Mother has sent Reject Company to ensure Solid Snake survives the events of the USS DIscovery and the Big Shell Incident. Snake survived the event of the USS Discovery, though is classified as having been killed at Big Shell.

Mother's goal is simple: By ensuring Snake's survival, Mother plans to use the famed soldier as an ace in the hole before sending her full force against the PMC's and the United Nations.

Failure is not an option.

***

The scene opens up with Raiden on the roof of Strut A, arms folded as he sits on the railing opposite the elevator. He looks up, watching as a glowing red-and-green portal appears in front of the elevator. Lynch leaps out, throwing a red party hat into the air.

Lynch: We're baaaacccckkkk!

Several mercenaries begin leaping out as Lynch claps his hands, looking up at Raiden.

Raiden: Where were you guys?!

Lynch belches, slapping his gut.

Lynch: CHRISTMAS AND THE NEW YEAR!

Raiden [Quietly]: ...But it's July...

Phil blows a party horn as Jericho lets off a party popper. Frank stumbles forward, his orange, black and yellow fatigues clinking as he does.

Frank: Well, i'm prepared.

Dave: Sucks we had to leave Rage Against The Machine and Joakim Broden behind, though.

Dean: Yeah, imagine the horrors they are facing.

**Lamb and Flag - 2015**

In the Lamb and Flag, heavy guitar and drums pound the walls as Dick pours a line of beers for a group of Royal Marines sitting in the bar, headbanging in unison to the tunes of "Killing In The Name Of", sang by a duet of Zack De La Rocha and Joakim Broden.

Royal Marine Squad Leader [Laughing]: NOW THIS IS A FUCKIN' BAR, LADS! HOW COME WE NEVER HEARD OF THIS FUCKIN' PLACE ON PATROLS?!

Dick [Shouting over the music]: WE'RE SECRET!

Royal Marine Squad Leader [Jabbing a thumb over his shoulder]: IS THAT WHY THERE'S TALIBAN IN HERE?!

Dick looks over the Royal Marines at a rectangular table, around which are sat twenty Taliban wearing black-and-white shemagh scarves and desert camouflage fatigues, drinking orange juice and headbanging in tune with the music.

Dick: YEP!

The Royal Marine raises his pint glass, along with the other Royal Marines.

Royal Marine Squad Leader: HERE'S TAE STICKING A BOOT UP OCELOT AND PRAYING MANTIS'S FUCKIN' ARSES!!!!!

Royal Marines [In Unison]: PER MARE! PER TERRAM!

Taliban [Raising their glasses, In Unison]: ALLAHU AKBAR!!!

**Big Shell**

Frank cracks open a can of Budweiser, taking a deep drink and letting out a thankful sigh.

Frank: I can take on the world now...

Sal: You could never do that anyway!

Frank [Angrily]: I'm a better soldier than you!

Sal [Laughing]: Really? Frank, it took you two years in the Academy to tie your boots!

Tim [In disbelief]: Really?

Frank [Scoffing]: NO! OF COURSE NOT!

Will [Walking past]: It was three years.

Frank looks taken aback, rushing forward and locking Will in a headlock, weakly getting down on one knee and bringing Will down with him.

Frank [Angrily]: FUCK YOU! YOU'RE DEAD!

Karab [Sighing, folding his arms]: What is this?

Jericho [Watching, unimpressed]: The worst fight you'll ever see.

Lynch, who walked over to Raiden, glances over his shoulder before sighing and turning around fully, reaching into the back of his cargo belt and pulling a trench knife onto his right hand. Robbie walks over, the leash holding Lupa in his right hand tightened around it.

Robbie: I could set my pet onto him, if you want.

Samuel walks over, looking down as Frank pulls Will almost onto the ground. Will holds out his arms, shrugging.

Will [Muffled]: I don't even know what he's trying to do.

Samuel: Even I can fight better than that.

Frank releases Will from the headlock, stumbling up and turning to Samuel, holding out his arms.

Will: Do it, newbie!

Samuel sighs, spinning around and lunging down on the ground, performing a karate sweep that knocks Frank off of his feet and to the ground. Samuel gets to his feet, looking down at Frank and shaking his head.

Karab [Looking down at Frank]: Well done, Frank. You lasted all of four seconds.

Frank [Coughing]: Bet I could take you!

Karab: Frank, I don't want to hurt you.

Frank scrambles to his feet, turning to Karab.

Lynch [Calling over]: Stop being a douche, Frank! You'll never prove your masculinity!

Frank: But if I kick an ex-Gurkha's ass, that'll make me tougher!

Dave [Laughing]: Boy, you couldn't kick a fucking football!

Frank twists around. Karab narrows his eyes.

Karab [Calmly]: I like you, Frank. Please do not force my hand.

Frank: ...I like you too.

Frank lunges forward, hugging Karab tightly. Karab remains frozen, wrinkling his nose.

Karab: ...Alright...Alright..

Karab hesitantly pats Frank's back as Will gets to his feet, straightening his fatigues.

Will: You're fucking weird, drunkie.

Samuel [Smirking at Dean]: Did you see me kick him?

Dean [Yawning]: Yeah, sure, come back when you kick the ass of someone who matters.

Samuel walks behind Phil, who looks over his shoulder and narrows his eyes.

Phil: I'm flattered, Sammy, but if you try it, I'll rip off the arm that touches me, shove it up your arse, and use you as a fucking bat.

Steve [Yawning]: I'm tired.

Bill: Aren't we all?

Raiden [Desperately]: THE BOMB'S TICKING DOWN, DAMN YOU!!

Lynch [Stretching his arms]: Right, ladies! Time to get the mission done!

Maurice walks over, munching on a turkey sandwich inside an entire loaf of french bread.

Maurice: Aw, bloody hell, really?

Lynch: Sorry, big lad, but explosions hurt.

Billy: Yeh don't say.

Karab: ...Alright, Frank, get off of me.

Frank [Sobbing]: BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO LOVES MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

Karab [Desperately]: Little help?!

Moe walks over, grabbing Frank around his left leg and pulling at him. Billy walks over, grasping the shoulders of Frank and pulling him away. Frank turns around, hugging Billy.

Billy: Ach! Gerroffa me, yeh feckin' great loon!

Frank [Quietly]: ...I love y--

Billy: HELP ME!!!

Tim: Why is Frank..y'know...

Robbie: Smelly?

Tim: No--

Phil: Unwashed?

Tim: ..No--

Moe: Ugly?

Tim: No, clingy!

Lynch [Sighing]: He always gets that way after a few beers.

Phil walks up to Frank, reaching into the back of his cargo belt into one of the pouches and pulling out a spray bottle, pointing it at Frank and spraying a clear liquid onto him. Frank screams in agony, pulling away and slapping repeatedly at his left cheek, where Phil sprayed him.

Frank [Screaming]: OH MY GOD, PHIL, WHAT IS THAT?!?!?

Phil [Taken aback]: ....Water. Plain old water.

Frank [Screaming]: DEAR GOD, IT BURNS!!

Bob: Why am I not surprised?!

Frank [Falling to his knees]: HELP ME, BOB!!!

Bill: Is he annoying anyone else? Or is it just me?!

Raiden [Impatiently]: SERIOUSLY, GUYS, WE'VE GOT THIRTY SECONDS!!

The mercenaries fall silent.

Lynch: Move.

Raiden: So we--

Frank leaps up to his feet, immediately reinvigorated.

Frank: LET'S GO DISARM THAT BOMB!

The mercenaries charge forward in a huddle, pulling Raiden up and charging him forward through the door into Strut A.

**Strut E - Heliport**

On top of the Heliport, the huddle of mercenaries charges up the steps and twisting right, with Raiden screaming as he's pushed forward by this great unwashed horde of men. As soon as they push past the storage crates, they shove Raiden, who flies through the air and crashes face-first on top of a bomb, exactly in the centre of where the Harrier used to be stationed, which has now suspiciously vanished. Raiden slowly lifts his head.

Raiden [Barely conscious]: ...Huh?...Muh?...

Lynch: Disarm it.

Vince steps forward.

Vince [Angrily]: BACK OFF, BISHIE.

Raiden: ...Wha?

Vince: GO FOR ZE FACE, RAINBOW DASH!

Rainbow Dash zips behind Raiden, latching onto the back of his head. Raiden simply grabs Rainbow Dash, throwing her over his shoulder and stepping towards the bomb, pointing his coolant at it. Vince rushes forward, pushing Raiden to the floor.

Vince [Angrily]: VINCE WILL BE THE HERO!

Frank [Sighing]: Vince, just disarm it.

Vince straddles the bomb, pointing his coolant down at it.

Lynch: In a less sexually suggestive manner, please.

Vince purposefully holds the coolant spray at groin height. Raiden stumbles to his feet, cartwheeling forward and kicking Vince violently in the back, sending him sprawling forward to the floor. Raiden quickly points his coolant at the bomb, but Vince scrambles up to his feet and twists around, screaming and tackling Raiden straight to the floor.

Phil: CAN YOU ASSHOLES STOP CATFIGHTING, I DON'T WANT TO BE BLOWN UP!!!!

Bill rushes forward, diving down with both legs extended and dropkicking Vince violently in the face. Johnny scuttles forward, snatching up the fallen coolant spray from Vince and aiming it down at the bomb, holding down the trigger. Raiden twists around.

Raiden [Angrily]: NO! I'M THE HERO!

Billy jolts forward as Raiden takes a step forward, hitting a vicious right hook into Raiden's jaw and knocking him backwards.

Billy [Cackling]: TIME TO GIVE YEH THE SCOTTISH TREATMENT!!!

Billy grabs Raiden by his throat, forcing him down onto his knees and unzipping his fatigue bottoms, pulling them down and revealing a brown, black and yellow plaid kilt, exactly the same colours as the standard BDU that the others are wearing. Billy lifts his kilt, shoving it over Raiden's head and knotting the fabric as Raiden's legs lash out. Billy laughs, bobbing up and down.

Moe: Now that is just wrong.

Raiden [Screaming]: I CAN'T BREATHE!!!!

Vince scrambles up, shoving Johnny away and grasping the coolant spray, beginning to spray the bomb. Billy twists around and grasps his kilt, pulling it over Vince's head as well.

Vince [Screaming]: WHY, BILLY, WHY?!?!

The bomb defuses as the coolant spray crystalises the detonation mechanism. Billy quickly pulls away his kilt, spinning around energetically and over to the mercenaries. Vince and Raiden collapse backwards.

Billy [Raising his arms]: SCOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!

Karab: To be honest, there was no reason at all for that.

Billy [Grinning darkly]: It's tae show i'm a man whose not afraid tae get heavy-handed.

Sal: Heavy-handed?!

Frank: You sick fuck! What were you doing?!

Vince wheezes, his left leg twitching.

Billy: Proving i'm a man.

Will: You? You're not a m--

Billy lifts his kilt. The mercenaries reel back, shielding their eyes and retching in disgust. Lynch pulls out his SOCOM, aiming it between Billy's eyes.

Lynch: It wasn't funny the first time, and if I have to warn you again, i'll turn your caber into haggis.

Billy: I'll be honest, I just wanted an excuse tae wear the kilt freely instead of pants.

Vince [Eyes widening, legs twitching]: ..I..have seen things...no man...should see..

Booming Voice: YO, SO YOU'RE THE ONE! RIGHT ON TIME I SEE, I LIKE A PUNCTUAL MAN!

The mercenaries fall silent, turning around.

Phil: ..The fuck was that? Sounded like a retarded Brian Blessed.

Bob: I don't like the sound of this.

Raiden slowly sits up, groaning loudly and choking.

Raiden: ...Is he...Dead Cell?

Dean: Well, get ready for more things to be explained through nanomachines.

Lynch: Just pretend you're all surprised.

Every mercenary steps back on their left leg, raising their right legs and adopting an overtly-exaggerated expression of surprise: Mouths widely agape, eyes widened and eyebrows raised with arms thrown back above their heads.

Raiden: .........Uhh...guys?

The mercenaries remain as frozen as statues.

Raiden [Unimpressed]: ...Guys?

A bee slowly buzzes towards the group.

Frank [Mouth agape]: Ahhhh Lahnth.

Lynch [Mouth agape]: Wha?

Frank [Mouth agape]: Ee.

Lynch [Mouth agape, narrowing eyes]: E-ain ur-ised.

The bee slowly flutters towards Frank, setting down on his lower lip as he begins to sweat profusely.

Sal [Mouth agape]: A A! Ank's Onna Ie!

The bee suddenly flies towards Sal and lands on his tongue. Sal lets loose a quiet, muffled scream as Frank laughs, his eyes darting to look at Sal.

Frank [Mouth agape]: Or Ucked Ow, Uddy!

The bee flies down Sal's throat. Sal stops adopting the surprised expression, screaming and clawing at his throat, throwing himself to his knees.

Sal [Retching]: HELP ME! OH GOD, IT DOESN'T EVEN TASTE LIKE HONEY!

Jericho, standing behind Sal, clubs his hands down into Sal's upper back, while Phil wraps his arms around Sal's waist and wrenches violently as he yelps and chokes.

Phil: SPIT, SAL! PRETEND IT'S YOUR UNCLE!

The mercenaries let out a disgusted, whooping sound, quickly leaving their stance.

Johnny [Disgusted]: That's just fucking nasty!

Robbie [Laughing cruelly]: That was awful, Phil!

Lynch [Sighing]: Goddammit.

Sal yelps, coughing and spitting out the bee which quickly zips away as Sal chokes, rubbing his throat and turning to Phil, grasping his beard and kneeing him in the chin. Phil reels backwards into Jericho who quickly locks him in a headlock.

Jericho: BATTERING RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMM!!!!!!

Jericho charges forward, slamming the top of Phil's skull into Sal's chest. Sal hits the floor, wheezing and clutching his chest. Lynch sighs, turning to both Phil and Jericho and grasping the backs of their heads, slamming their foreheads against eachother. Phil and Jericho stumble backwards before collapsing to the floor.

Bob: Lynch, you don't have to solve everything with heavy-handed violence.

Lynch: YES, I DO!

Fatman: I AM FATMAN, MOTHERFUCKER. I AM THE BEST HUMANITY HAS TO OFFER, AND THE LOWEST!

A loud ticking fills the air. The mercenaries and Raiden stop, looking around.

Lynch: That's ominous.

Tim: And oddly loud.

Steve: TICK. TOCK. TICK. TOCK.

Moe: It's more like 'tick, tick, tick'.

Dean: It's driving me nuts, what the fuck is it?!

Fatman: Hear this rhythm, boys? THIS IS THE RHYTHM OF TIME, YO, AND LIFE! DON'TCHA LOVE THE SOUND?! I USED TO HANG AROUND DEPARTMENT STORE CLOCK COUNTERS--

Bob: Now THAT'S a pathetic existence.

Fatman skates out from behind a crate. Raiden and the mercenaries look over at Fatman, who, along with a thick, padded green bomb suit with kevlar leg guards that makes his already-morbidly obese appearance appear even fatter, is wearing a huge clock on a chain around his neck, ala; Flava Flav.

Fatman: LIFE IS SHORT, YO. BOMBS TELL THE TIME WITH EVERY, EVERY, EVERY MOMENT OF THEIR EXISTENCE AND NOTHING ELSE ANNOUNCES IT'S OWN END WITH SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCH FANFARE! GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT, CAUSE THE PARTY IS ABOUT TO START!!

Fatman starts skating on the spot, doing the 'Running Man' while holding a 40 oz. bottle, taking a deep drink from it.

Lynch: ...I....what?

Dave: Looks like Flava Flav got fat--

Robbie: --And white.

Fatman: THIS SHIT BE TIGHT, YO. LET'S DRINK TO STILLMAN, SHALL WE?!

Bob: The all caps. IT BURNS!

Raiden: Why is he speaking like a...y'know.

Lynch: Wigger?

Raiden: What? No, I was going to say overtly-boisterous fat bastard.

Phil: That too.

Samuel: And here I thought artists were delicate speakers.

Fatman belches loudly.

Raiden: So, this fat bastard is going to destroy the Big Shell?

Billy: Great. A bloody insane bomber!

Phil: That reminds me--

Ivan's Voice [Jovially, distant]: Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabooooooooooommmmmmm!!

Jericho: Well, he's still alive.

Raiden: But what about the ransom?!

Fatman [Laughing]: RANSOM?! WHAT'CHOO TALKIN' ABOUT?!

Raiden: Uh, the thirty billion dollars that Dead Cell is asking for? In cash?

Will: That's an awful lot of cakes, tubby. Think of the cakes!

Fatman bursts out laughing.

Fatman [Laughing]: SO THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON?!

Raiden: Well...yeah.

Will: Think of the pies, fatty.

Jericho: Looks like he ate all the pies.

Jericho, Phil, Moe and Maurice [Pointing at Fatman and chanting]: WHO ATE ALL THE PIES?! WHO ATE ALL THE PIES?! YOU FAT BASTARD! YOU FAT BASTARD! YOU ATE ALL THE PIES!!!

Lynch: Alright, men, lay off the fat jokes.

Fatman: I COULD CARE LESS OF WHAT THEY PLAN TO DO, YO! MY AMBITIONS BE MUCH MORE SIMPLE, TO BE THE MOST FAMOUS BOMBER OF 'EM ALL!

Tim: Only thing you'll be known for is being the fattest bomber of them all--

Lynch [Sighing, turning to Tim]: WHAT DID I SAY?! It's not funny or unique! WE CAN SEE HE'S OBESE!

Raiden: You're nuts. Nobody is gonna give a damn about you.

Fatman [Laughing boisterously]: THEY WILL! I'LL GO DOWN IN HISTORY AS THE MAN WHO BEAT PETER STILLMAN! IT'S THE ONLY REASON I EXISTED!

Bob: Calm down, Brian Blessed.

Raiden: Stillman had your number anyway.

Fatman: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Billy: Ach, everyone had this guys number. Bloody stupid bombing locations!

Bob: It was a trap, Billy.

Raiden: You had nothing of his courage!

Fatman [Laughing]: YO, THAT CROCK DIED A DISHONORABLE DEATH, SIX MONTHS AGO!

Raiden: The liquidation of Dead Cell.

Sal: And here comes the plot!

Tim: Did they even explain it?

Lynch: Yeah. Literally no-one gave a fuck.

Fatman: ONLY THE RIGHT STUFF SURVIVED THAT HELL...Set me free, y'know?..OPENED MY WAY TO A NEW DIMENSION, SO I CAN BECOME THE EMPEROR AMONG DETONATION DEVOTEES!

Phil: We already have an Emperor.

Steve: We have an Ivan.

Raiden: Nothing but a common criminal, and that's the only way people will remember you.

Dean: That and being an abnormally fat bastard.

Maurice: Lads, us plus-sized boyos have feelings--

Samuel: There's fat, AND THEN THERE'S FAT! Fatman is the latter.

Fatman throws the 40oz onto the ground before throwing up his arms.

Fatman [Angrily]: I BE AN ARTIST, YO.

Lynch: You're a fat fuck with delusions of grandeur.

Fatman skates behind a storage container, leaning against it.

Fatman: THIS IS WHY I DISLIKE BOORISH MILITARY TYPES! IT'S TIME TO START THE PARTY! THIS IS HOW IT WORKS: I PLANT A BOMB, AND IT WILL EXPLODE AFTER THAT! IF YOU PREFER TO STAY IN ONE PIECE, YOU'LL HAVE TO DISABLE MY BOMBS!

Vince [Spinning his coolant spray]: Easy.

Bill: How fast can an obese guy on rollerskates be?

Fatman: LAUGH AND GROW FAT! LET'S MOVE!

Fatman moves out from behind the storage container, zipping straight past them at inhuman speed, a beeping sounding to their left.

Bill [Throwing up his arms]: OH, COME ON!

Karab: So, he's morbidly obese, but because he's on rollerskates, he's suddenly really fast?

Samuel: Logic be damned.

Dean: Logic was always damned in this stupid universe.

Sal: This shit just isn't funny anymore.

Raiden walks over to the storage container, moving in front of it and turning, swiftly spraying coolant on a flickering block of semtex and disarming it.

Lynch: Right, we need to stop tubby--

Fatman zips down the row to their right, another loud beeping sounding.

Lynch: --He could really piss me off.

Frank: He's fat, he's got momentum, you know what that means?

Phil: Classic trap! Put a pie over a pit covered in grass and filled with pungi stakes!

Vince [Grinning]: Boys, we have a special weapon--

Sal: Don't say it.

Vince: DASHIE!!!!!!

Frank sighs, taking a drink from a bottle of turpentine tucked inside his fatigues as Sal grabs Vince by his collar, shaking him.

Sal [Angrily]: STOP WITH THE BRONY SHIT!

Rainbow Dash shoots forward, spinning around in front of the mercenaries and saluting swiftly.

Rainbow Dash: What is it, boss?!

Lynch glares angrily at Dash.

Lynch: Phil.

Phil begins frothing at the mouth almost instantly, his eyes widening and growing bloodshot.

Phil [Darkly]: SKIN PONY. WEAR AS CAPE. SKIN PONY. WEAR AS CAPE. SKIN PONY. WEAR AS CAPE.

Phil falls to his hands and knees, slamming his head repeatedly on the concrete.

Tim: What on Earth?

Will [Taken aback]: That's not normal, even for that psychopath.

Jericho [Folding his arms]: Stand back, lads.

Dave: Why?

Phil's head snaps up as he leaps to his feet, letting out a violent howl and biting his right arm roughly.

Steve [Eyes widening]: ..Oh..Oh my--

Phil [Screaming violently]: FOR WODAN!!!!!!!

Phil charges forward at Rainbow Dash who screams, twisting around and shooting off at the speed of light. Somehow, Phil manages to match her speed. Fatman skates down the passage between storage crates, but Phil pushes him aside with ease, sending him crashing to the floor behind a storage crate to his right. Dash kicks a storage crate in front of Phil, but he simply charges through it, leaving a large, ragged hole as he does.



Phil [Violently enraged]: YOU'RE RUNNING SIMPLY PROLONGS A TIRING DEATH FOR YOU. I WILL DINE ON YOUR BONES AND FLESH AND LEAVE NOTHING BUT A TATTERED CORPSE. TYR WILL GRANT ME VICTORY.

Vince [Crying out]: DAAAAASSSSHHHIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!

Jericho: Ever heard of berserkers?

Karab: Who hasn't--Are you telling me Phil can summon the primal rage of angered Germanic-slash-Scandinavian warriors?!

Jericho: He can do it for breakfast.

Silence.

Samuel: Y'know, that'll explain the time he came into the Kebaborama and almost ate Dean.

Dean [Shuddering]: Man, that was terrifying. I spill one bit of chilli sauce on my arm, and suddenly i'm being cornered. If it wasn't for you, Karab, Ivan, Jericho and Steve beating the shit out of him with baseball bats, we'd never have stopped him!

Vince falls to his knees and curls into the foetal position, sobbing wildly.

Phil's Voice [Distant, Screaming]: BANA OSTERKLIGR HROSS!!!

Moe: Uh, shouldn't we fight this guy?

Bill: Yeah, we should waste fatboy before moving on.

Maurice [Scathingly]: He's mine, lads.

Maurice stomps forward, growling lowly as Fatman skates around the corner, grinding to a halt when he sees Maurice.

Dean: We're about to see two immovable objects collide.

Moe: Isn't that like dividing by zero?

Billy: Aw, shite, they ain't gonna rip a hole in time, are they?!

Frank [Screaming]: HIT THE DIRT!!

The mercenaries dive onto their stomachs and cover their heads with their hands as Fatman and Maurice collide violently. An echoing crash booms through the atmosphere, and the ensuing collision sends out a vicious wind that forces the mercenaries to dig their hands into the ground.

Karab: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTT!!

Frank [Laughing manically]: OH MY GOOOOOODDDDDDDD!!!

Jericho: HOLY CRAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPP!!!

Lupa flies backwards from Robbie's grip, yelping, only for Lynch to lunge up and quickly catch her, being sent flying back across the concrete. Fatman is halted in his tracks, and Maurice locks his arms around Fatman's thick waist, slowly starting to push him forward.

Fatman [In disbelief}: YOU DARE STOP ME?!??!!??!

Maurice [Straining]: ....Feck....YOU!!!

Maurice lifts Fatman off of his feet before somehow twisting him upside down and slamming him violently onto the floor with a sickening crack, skull-first. Fatman flops to the ground and Maurice turns around, raising his arms.

Lynch: Nice going, big boy!

Maurice [Whooping]: I'M THE BIG BAD FUCKING BOSS, KIDDA'S!!!!

The sound of beeping starts and the mercenaries slowly get to their feet, staring at Maurice who turns around: Fatman has disappeared.

Maurice [Confused]: What the feck?

Johnny [Gulping, Pointing]: ...Uhh..Maurice? Bomb.

Maurice looks over his shoulder, a bomb attached to his rear.

Maurice [Angrily]: GODDAMMIT!!!!!!

Johnny snatches up Vince's fallen coolant spray, as Vince is still curled up, sobbing. Johnny quickly sprays the bomb, crystallising it and defusing it.

Moe: Damn, Maur, your ass could kill us!

Sal: Yeah! And so could the bomb!

Maurice growls loudly as Johnny grasps the bomb, ripping it off of Maurice's fatigues and throwing it aside as Fatman skates past them.

Raiden [Sitting up]: ...What the fuck now?..

Fatman skates around them before shooting down between the second and third rows of storage containers.

Frank: I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! THIS IS MADNESS!

Bob: It's only a very fast fat guy!

Fatman returns and skates past Frank, pirouetting as he does.

Moe: Who is very graceful. Apparently.

Lynch: What do we do?

A beep goes off nearby, and Raiden rushes off, disappearing behind a storage crate to disarm it.

Jericho: WE KICK SOME ASS.

Jericho rushes forward between the second and third row of storage crates, only to be jettisoned back by Fatman into Steve, sending both men to the ground.

Dave: Well, fuck.

Johnny and Tim rush forward as Fatman shoots out from between the first and second storage containers. Both of them leap down, latching onto his legs, only for Fatman to spin around and shoot off between the storage containers.

Johnny [Screaming]: SAVE US, MARCUS!!

Lynch [Angrily]: IT'S LYNCH TO YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT!

Fatman spins around and Johnny is thrown into the air, screaming as he does and slamming down onto the top of a nearby storage container. Steve and Jericho sit up, watching as Tim is thrown into the air.

Will: CATCH!

Jericho and Steve catch Tim in their arms before dropping him. Robbie leans down, gripping Lupa's collar.

Robbie: KILL, LUPA! KILL!

Lupa bounds forwards towards Fatman who spins around, only for Lupa to reach up and latch onto his bombsuit, snarling and ripping at the faceguard of his bombsuit.

Fatman [Angrily]: BEST BE STEPPIN', BITCH. Ha, get it? Cause she's a female--

Robbie charges forward, but Fatman grasps Lupa and throws her at Robbie who catches her, skidding backwards. Fatman spins around, only for Dave to appear behind him, wrenching his large clock chain and pulling it from around his neck.

Dave: Gotcha clock!

Fatman [Angrily]: YOU BEST BE STEPPIN' BOY. YOU DID NOT JUST TAKE MY BLING.

Dave [Cocking an eyebrow]: Alright, why are you talking like a white gangster stereotype?

Fatman: IT BE GIVING ME PERSONALITY FOR APPEARING FOR ONLY TEN GODDAMN POINTLESS MINUTES, YO.

Dave quickly smashes the clock over Fatman's head. Fatman just stands there, glaring at Dave. Dave quickly pulls out his bladed menorah.

Dave: It's time that...Jew die.

Robbie runs around the storage container, pulling out his Mauser and pointing it between the eyes of Fatman.

Robbie [Calmly]: Alright, fat boy, time to die.

Robbie blinks: A beeping sound fills the air. A bomb is attached to his menorah, and Fatman has since disappeared.

Dave [Looking around]: What just happened?!

Robbie: That is the fastest fat bastard I have ever..not seen.

Bob [Sighing]: He's too fast for us..

Dave: Never thought you'd say that about a man as big as him.

Johnny and Tim rush around the corner.

Johnny: Where'd he go?

Dave holds out his menorah. Johnny holds out the bottle of coolant spray he took from Vince, spraying the bomb and crystallizing it.

Dave: No idea, but it's taught me that even morbidly obese people can reach obscene speeds on something as simple as rollerskates.

Tim: Maybe they're top secret rollerskates?

Robbie [Stroking his chin]: ...You've got a good point..

Dean: Nanomachine enhanced rollerskates.

Dave: Y'know, you're probably right.

Fatman shoots up the passage between the first and second column of storage crates. Karab swiftly leaps out from behind the top-most crate to the left, unsheathing his kirpan.

Karab [Bearing his teeth]: FIGHT LIKE A MAN!

Fatman skates towards Karab at full speed. Karab pulls his kirpan out, gulping slightly.

Dean [Hastily]: MOVE, KARAB! THE FAT BASTARD WON'T STOP JUST BECAUSE HE HITS HUMAN FLESH!"

Karab: See? That's what I was plannin o--

Fatman collides with Karab, his bulk slamming full-force into him and sending him flying backwards into Dean, Samuel and Vince, sending them rolling to the floor. Lynch sighs, placing his hands on his hips and looking at the three fallen mercenaries.

Lynch: Men, killing him is really simple.

Bob [In pain]: You do it, then!

Fatman skates towards the fallen mercenaries. As soon as he passes the last storage crate, Bill jumps from atop it and onto Fatman, a bowie knife clutched between his teeth.

Bill [Laughing]: You're dead, tubby!

Fatman begins to spin around rapidly.



Bill: OH GOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDD HHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!

Lynch [Laughing]: GO ON, BILL! ACHIEVE MACH THREE!!

Bill: OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH CHRRIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!

Bill vomits violently. The speed at which he's spinning causes a roman candle of vomit to spin around the helipad where the harrier used to be. Vince, Dean and Samuel remain on the floor, with other mercenaries diving down once they notice it.

Samuel [Disgusted]: STOP!

Bill [Vomiting]: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN'TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!

Bill flies off over the Helipad, leaving a trail of vomit as he shoots into the air, screaming as he does. In the distance, a small splash is heard.

Frank [Watching]: Oh, Christ! Bill's down!

Sal: And how!



Sal rushes over to the northern edge of the Heliport, pointing in the rough area of the water around the Shell One Core, where Bill is notably paddling desperately. Lynch rushes over beside him, as does Frank.



Sal: Well, he's safe.



Frank: For now.



Lynch: Look at him go. [Giving a shrill whistle]: MOVE YOUR ASS, SYKES! MOVE YOUR FUCKING ASS!



Lynch turns around, sighing as Fatman pirouettes past them. Raiden runs after him, but stops as Fatman spins and cuts down the pathway between the first and second columns of storage containers.



Raiden [Gasping, doubling over]: HOW DOES ONE MAN HAVE SO MANY BOMBS?!



Lynch: Do you want to end this?



Raiden [Desperately]: YES!!

Dean [Sitting up]: Please do..

Lynch [Calling out]: KARAB!!! MAURICE!!! JERICHO!!! STEVE!!! GET INTO POSITIONS!!!

From the pathway between the second and third row of storage containers, Steve and Jericho emerge. Jericho kneels down behind the third row, and Steve behind the second. Steve throws a length of piano wire to Jericho, who catches it and holds it at ankle height. Karab sprints forward, vaulting over the wire and twisting around, unsheathing his kirapn.

Lynch: Raiden, do you want to know how to end a boss fight?



Raiden: Go on.



Maurice gets into a sumo position several feet behind Karab. Fatman skates forward, simply cutting through the wire.



Fatman [Laughing]: IT TAKES A LOT MORE THAN WIRE TO--



Karab leaps forward, slamming the kirpan into the faceguard of Fatman's bomb suit, the blade hacking into Fatman's neck. Fatman screams and Maurice lunges forward, placing one hand on the kirpan and the other on the groin shield of the bomb suit, lifting Fatman straight above his head. Maurice's eyes glow orange.



Maurice [Screaming]: SECRET MOVE!!! CRUSH ON THE TYNE!!!!!!!!!



Maurice throws Fatman several feet into the air, leaping up and meeting him in mid-air.



Tim: This is immediately worth every month of training and pain.



Johnny [Shocked]: ...And worth the fucking hazing...



Raiden [Watching]: Okay, no, I don't even know how--



Lynch: All you need to know, is to GET THE FUCK DOWN!!



Dave: Well, this is new and exciting.



The mercenaries quickly dive to the floor as Maurice catches Fatman, his hands grasping the back of his collar and the rear of his bombsuit, spinning him a few times before dragging him down towards the floor. With the force of a bullet, Maurice smashes into the concrete, pulling down Fatman with the force of a bullet onto his outstretched knee. Fatman's body almost breaks physically in half as Maurice pulls down with superhuman strength, glaring ahead before spinning around and throwing Fatman to the left. Fatman shoots away, slamming his head into a lone metal crate and leaving a sizable dent as he simply sits there, legs twitching. Maurice flexes his arms.



Booming Voice: MAURICE WINS. FATALITY.



The mercenaries slowly get to their feet. Maurice's fatigues appear to be a lot baggier.



Billy [Stumbling to his feet and whooping]: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! YOU KILLED THA' LAD, FAT MAN!!!



Robbie [Laughing for the first time ever]: Wow! That..was...AMAZING!



Dave: Damn, big lad, you hold some surprises!!



Maurice [Looking down]: WHERE THE FUCKIN' HELL HAVE I GONE?!



Samuel: Obese Maurice...has become...Maurice?



Steve: Now THAT'S entertainment!



Maurice [Darkly]: Bloody hell, lads, that burnt a lotta calories!!



Lynch [Chuckling]: Frank, give him some liquid lunch.



Frank whines, but Lynch clenches his left fist, cracking his knuckles. Frank quickly reaches inside both of his boots, pulling out two bottles of Budweiser and throwing them to Maurice who takes them, snapping the necks off of them and drinking them both down effortlessly.



Maurice: Ah need more.



Raiden: But weren't we supposed to have a horrendously drawn-out battle--



Lynch: Not while we're here, kid. Not while we're here.



Dean: Well, fat boy, this is for you:



Dean reaches into the back of his cargo belt, into a pouch, and pulling out a polystyrene carton, throwing it to Maurice who catches it.



Maurice: Cheers, lad.



Dean: Nothing'll make you fatter than a doner kebab.



Maurice pulls open the carton and shoves the entire kebab, meat, pitta and salad, into his mouth, swallowing it. Almost instantly, his fatigues are filled out by his bulbous gut.



Maurice [Belching]: Cheers, lad!



Moe: Dude, we have got to see that again!



Bob: I agree!



Maurice hi-fives Bob and Moe as Raiden walks over to Fatman, scratching the back of his head.



Raiden: Well, damn.



Fatman [Looking down at the bloody wound from the kirpan, seeping into his bomb suit]: My suit...oh sheeit..I've nothing to wear to the party..



Raiden: The party's over for you.



Fatman: That's what you think...



Raiden: What do you mean?



Karab walks over, grasping his kirpan and pulling it from Fatman's neck and faceguard, sheathing it into his belt as the mercenaries gather around. From nowhere, Fatman holds up a tiny black device, pushing a button which beeps. Raiden's eyes widen and he snatches the device from Fatman's hand.



Raiden: What did you just do? WHAT IS THIS?!



Fatman [Looking at his right hand]: I have beautiful hands, yo. These delicate hands? They can craft works of art, dawg.



Johnny: Yeah, this is taking the piss now.



Raiden grasps the face shield of Fatman's bomb suit, ripping it off and pointing his SOCOM down at him.



Raiden [Angrily]: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!



Fatman [Looking up weakly]: ...That be the switch..for the biggest bomb in the entire place...



Raiden throws the switch aside, pointing his SOCOM at it.



Fatman [Wheezing]: It's no use, dawg. Once it's activated, there be no stoppin'.



Raiden [Angrily]: Where did you plant it? WHERE IS IT?!



Fatman: ..Somewhere in this area...Don't worry...it's very close by..



Raiden [Jamming his gun forward]: WHERE IS IT?!



Fatman [Rolling his eyes]: Go ahead, pop a cap in me. I'm already dead.



Raiden [Bitterly]: DAMN!



Fatman: Think you can find it? When it goes off, it'll take the Big Shell with it.



Raiden [Impatiently]: TELL ME WHERE I CAN FIND THE--



Sal: You honestly think he'll just tell you?



Dean: Asking a mad bomber to reveal the location of his bomb? Are you that fucking dense?



Fatman [Chuckling]: ..That be your problem...This is the highlight of the party...Bring it on, I say...It'll make them happy too...I die here, and I be starting my legend..Too bad you won't be around to see the moves.....Laugh! And Grow Fat!



Fatman wheezes, his head dropping down onto his chest as he dies.



Billy: Goddammit.



Johnny: What now?



Lynch [Wiping his brow]: Find the bomb.



Sal: And where would the worlds greatest bomber hide a bomb?



The mercenaries mumble amongst themselves. Sal clears his throat.



Sal [Matter-of-factly]: Check under his fat fucking ass.



Lynch grabs the left leg of Fatman, and Maurice grabs the right leg, dragging Fatman away. Somehow, someway, Fatman managed to plant a huge bomb directly underneath him, complete with blinking detonator and all.



Raiden: Right, was he a great bomber? Or just a narcissist? Because the human body has been scientifically proven to be adept at absorbing explosions.



The mercenaries look at Raiden.



Robbie [Nodding]: It's true. That's why you hear tales of heroism from soldiers leaping on grenades and protecting their comrades--



Johnny walks over, spraying coolant on the bomb. The bomb crystallises, the detonator dying in a red blink and disarming it. Johnny spins the coolant in his right hand, blowing on the nozzle.



Johnny: ......Cool.



The mercenaries groan loudly.



Jericho: Not that bad..for a first try..



Raiden: I...better confer with the CO.



Raiden walks away, getting on one knee near a storage container and holding his right hand to his ear. A soft sobbing is audible, and the mercenaries turn around: Vince hasn't moved for the entire fight, remaining curled up and crying.



Billy [Darkly]: Yeh' feckin' kidding.



Lynch [Angrily]: VINCE, HAVE YOU SPENT THE ENTIRE FIGHT CRYING LIKE A BITCH?!



Sal: What do YOU think?



Jericho looks over through the storage containers at the opposite end of the Heliport.



Jericho: Ah shite, here comes the cavalry.



Phil appears from the steps, walking over to them with his right hand clutching the legs of Rainbow Dash, his eyes glazed over and his jaw and beard covered in blood.



Phil [Darkly]: WODAN HAS GRANTED ME VICTORY ON THE GREAT HUNT.



Vince [Sobbing]: WHAT DID DASHIE EVER DO TO YOU?!?!?!?



Phil raises his right hand, clutching the lifeless legs of Rainbow Dash who has her body slashed open vertically.



Phil [Darkly]: WODAN DESPISES HORSES THAT CANNOT BE USED FOR WAR. HE DEMANDS THEIR SACRIFICE UPON HIS ALTAR FOR THE BLOT.



Jericho walks over, snapping his fingers in front of Phil's face.



Jericho: Alright, Phil, come back.

The body of Rainbow Dash disappears in a blue fizzle. Phil's eyes snap open, returning to normal.

Phil: ....Why do I taste blood?

Steve: Phil, you murdered and partially cannibalised Rainbow Dash.

Phil wipes his beard and looks down at it before licking it.

Phil [Thinking to himself]: .....Hm. No, that's ketchup. I chased the bitch all the way to Strut C, into the Dining Hall, and figured i'd fry up and eat some chips.

Sal: So what's with the pony?

Phil: Oh, she was a sacrifice...TO MY GOD.

An ominous bolt of lightning cracks the sky. Jericho walks behind him, placing his right arm around his shoulders and leading him towards the group.

Jericho [Calmly]: Alright, Phil, cut the Pagan shit out. You're at Big Shell now.



Phil [Calming down]: Jerry, did I just kill a cartoon pony?



Jericho: Yes, Phil. Yes you did.



Phil [Whining]: Jerry, what happened to the good old days of wrestler and musician cameos? I miss the Rat Pack and Johnny Cash. I miss Lemmy and Motorhead!



Sal: We just left Rage Against The Machine back in the Lamb and Flag.



Jericho [Sighing]: Phil, one day, we will find a better popular culture trend to exploit.



Phil: One day...



Phil turns around. Johnny Cash appears, wearing a long white dustcoat, white boots and white gloves, carrying an acoustic guitar in his right hand.



Cash: Didn't think i'd disappeared, did you?!



Cash slams his guitar violently over Phil's head, shattering it and knocking him out before disappearing in a blue haze.



Sal [Blinking]: ......Sweet.



Johnny: Now THAT'S a cameo! Can I get his autograph?



Johnny turns around: Johnny Cash re-appears behind him with a new guitar.



Cash [Angrily]: NO AUTOGRAPHS!



Cash smashes the guitar over Johnny's head, shattering it and knocking him out before disappearing in yet another blue haze.



Will: And yet you don't bother bringing in someone like Halle Berry.



Bob: Because we know what you'd be like--



Billy: Aye, yeh'd hump their legs!



The mercenaries laugh loudly: From the stairs walks over Bill, dripping wet.



Bill [Spitting out a mouthful of water]: Fuck this.



Frank: At least you're a fast swimmer.



Raiden walks over to the group.



Raiden: We've got to rescue the President.



Bill: Guess we're really earning our paycheck, then.



Raiden: Colonel said we should check the central Core. Strut H was crippled, Shell Two Core is flooding, but the President wasn't there, so the Shell One Core is our best bet. According to intel, there's another thirty hostages. I talked to Pliskin, and he's got a Kasatka, but it'll take a few trips, so...



Lynch [Folding his arms]: We'd have to stay a little while longer?



Raiden: Well, what's the UN pay--



Billy: Not by the feckin' hour, yeh steamin' great bawheid!



Bob: We're getting paid a clean sum, not just---Wait a second.



Bob looks at Lynch, who looks at him.



Lynch: What?



Bob: ARE we getting paid?



Lynch remains silent.



Lynch: ...Our friend promised us fifty thousand. Each. Mother isn't paying.



The mercenaries mutter and nod amongst themselves.



Raiden: You up for staying?



Lynch [Sighing]: Do we have any fucking choice?



Raiden turns around, walking through the storage containers and towards the stairs of the Helipad. Tim grabs Johnny, pulling him to his feet, and Steve helps Phil to his feet. Vince remains curled up, sobbing. Sal sighs, looking at Robbie who has Lupa back on a leash.



Sal: Can she go free?



Robbie [Shrugging]: Sure. But if she rips your throat out, I'm not to blame.



Robbie leans down, unleashing Lupa and handing the collar to Sal. Lupa sits down, scratching her cheek with her hind leg as Sal locks the collar around Vince's neck, walking to Raiden and dragging Vince behind him.



Sal [Straining]: Dammit, Vince, lay off the fucking burgers!



The mercenaries follow Raiden. Robbie taps the rear of Lupa with his foot, only for Lupa to spin around and bite the toe of his boot.



Robbie: Get off.



Dave [Walking over and kneeling beside Lupa]: COME ON! HOOSHA-BOOSHA!!



Lupa releases her grip on Robbie's boot and walks beside Dave, who follows the mercenaries. Robbie frowns.



Robbie [Darkly]: Cunt.



As they reach the stairs of the Heliport, the cyborg ninja from earlier leaps out onto the top of the steps, holding out his sword.



Ninja: You passed with flying colours.



Raiden: ...Mister X?



Lynch: NINJA! AGAIN! GIVE IT YOUR WAR CRY, MEN!



Mercenaries [Yelling]: WE ARE THE MERCENARIES WHO SAY 'NI'!!!!!!



Lynch [Looking over his shoulder]: Y'know, if we get a lawsuit from the Monty Python team, I am totally not paying.



Raiden whips out his gun.



Raiden: ...Identify yourself?



The mercenaries charge forward, dogpiling onto the cyborg ninja.



Mr. X [Angrily]: STOP....YOU'RE...CRUSHING...ME!!



"Also Sprach Zarathrustra" plays as Maurice slowly walks forward, glaring down at the Cyborg Ninja whose head is only visible beneath a pile of mercenaries.



Mr. X [Bluntly]: Oh fuck.



Raiden: WAIT! WAIT! I NEED IT TO IDENTIFY ITSELF!



Maurice stops.



Ninja [Groaning]: ...I'm like you...I..have...no NAME!



Raiden: Are YOU Mr. X?



Ninja: YES!



Raiden: Alright, don't crush him. We need to talk.



The Ninja groans loudly as Maurice steps back. Jericho and Steve hop off of the top of the dogpile, allowing Phil, Moe and Frank to climb off. Dave and Johnny crawl out from atop the dogpile, leaving Robbie, Lynch, Sal, Vince, Bob, Will, Dean, Samuel and Karab laying atop of the Ninja. Lynch moves from out of the dogpile, sitting on top of Dean and Samuel and crossing his legs.



Lynch: You ain't moving. What he hears, WE hear.



Mr. X: WHY?!



Dean: Cause we're his bodyguard.



Mr. X: But...we need to go to CODEC!



Lynch: Why?



Mr. X: To protect us from eavesdropping--



Dean: Why?



Mr. X: I've been ordered to give him backup too, including the relaying of necessary intel!



Raiden: Order by whom? The UN like these guys? Why won't you identify yourself?



Mr. X: There is no need for you to know--



Raiden [Scoffing]: I'LL decide whether I need to know!



Mr. X: You are not yet trusted to make such decisions. I'll tell you something you all need to know instead: The current location of the President--



Sal: FINALLY! We can get on with this mission!



Mr. X: --Or, rather, the person who knows the current location of the President.



Sal [Desperately]: CHRIST!



Frank [Throwing up his arms up]: More pointless person finding! Great!



Lynch: Taking the piss now.



Mr. X: It's a Secret Service agent named Ames, currently being held with the other hostages.



Samuel: So a member of the President's own highly-trained and specialised security detail got kidnapped? Fucking budget cuts must be hitting.



Mr. X: He's been fitted with the same type of VIP nanomachine--



Frank [Laughing, pointing down at Mr. X]: AND THERE WE GO! FUCKING NANOMACHINES!



Steve: Wondered when they'd show up.



Phil: When in doubt: Nanomachines.



Raiden: There's no reason for me to believe any of this.



Mr. X: You have no choice BUT to believe.



Sal: I want to believe.



The X-Files theme music starts playing. Robbie slaps Sal around the back of his head, stopping the music.



Raiden: Where are those hostages?



Mr. X: In the B1 Conference Room of the Shell One Core. You'll find him in there.



Raiden: What does he look like?



Mr. X: We don't know if it is a "he".



Lynch [Looking down]: Is there anything you DO know?



Moe [Impatiently]: I say we kill the ninja!



Raiden: So how am I supposed to look for them, then?!



Mr. X: Use your ears.



Moe [Impatiently]: I SAY WE KILL THE NINJA!



Dean: Let's call a vote!



Mr. X: Ames has a pacemaker. You'll be hear the machine's sound in a heartbeat.



Raiden [Sighing]; ...You expect me to walk up to every one of these hostages and listen to their heartbeats?



Mr. X: ....No, use a directional microphone. There's one somewhere in the core....but...I have a PAN card....to unlock the doors into the Core!



Mr. X pulls out their hand from beneath the huddle, pushing a level three security PAN card towards Raiden, who leans down and picks it up.



Mr. X: ..I need to give him a uniform too!



Lynch: Where the fuck are you keeping it?



Jericho: Magic.



Mr. X reaches back into the huddle and slides a bundle towards Raiden, the same black, yellow and orange camouflage BDU fatigues that the mercenaries are wearing, only with an additional ski-mask and headset.



Raiden: One of the terrorists?



Mr. X: ..The..surveillance camera won't let you..on the elevator..without the right uniform..Men..assigned to the core and other areas...are given different colour uniforms...Uniform alone..won't get you in there..



Raiden: I need an AN?



Mr. X: ..No..an AK..all men assigned to the core..are given..AK's..



Raiden: So without an AKs-74u, someone would see through me really quickly..



Mr. X: You also need to pass a retinal scan..to get into..the conference hall.



Raiden: BIOMETRICS?!



Mr. X: Nothing..but the real thing..will suffice...deception..is not an option..you need to hurry..they have the nuke on their side..



Raiden: The nuke?!



Frank: Aw shit.



Phil: Fucking hell.



Sal: FUCK!



Steve [Sighing, bluntly]: We're boned.



Mr. X: This is an island...they have no visible means of escape--



Raiden: But they need the access code--



Mr. X: They have the code!



Lynch: The navy captain.



Mr. X: Indeed...the half a handcuff..the other half was attached..to the football..the black case..the nuclear button..the codes..and now they have it..



Raiden: But why bring it to a decontamination plant?!



Mr. X: Big Shell is the farthest thing..from a cleanup plant..there is..Dead Cell didn't have to bring a nuke along with them..it was right here to begin with..



Raiden: What?!



Mr. X: ...For Metal Gear..that is housed here.



Bob: Aw, fuck.



Lynch [Quietly, to Bob]: Remember, Ocelot stole RAY.



Bob: But we have to fight another Metal Gear?! I still have nightmares about REX!



Steve: Say what you want..I kinda liked the riverdance..



Tim: ......Riverdance?



Frank: Don't ask.



Mr. X: ...Bipedal nuclear-capable behicle of Shadow Moses infamy..This place is the R&D center..for its newest incarnation...



Raiden: What the hell is going on?!



Mr. X: Better ask Ames the rest..



Mr. X slides a small mobile phone of indiscriminate make, that looks suspiciously like a Blackberry but, for legal purposes, totally isn't a Blackberry, towards Raiden.



Raiden: What's this for?



Lynch: Starting riots.



Bob: Civil unrest.



Phil: Somehow managing to outwit entire governments.



Raiden picks up the cellphone and looks at it.



Raiden: What the hell do I need with thi--



As Raiden talks, Mr. X struggles violently to pull himself free from the dogpile.



Mr. X [Straining]: PLEASE LET ME GO!



Lynch: Alright, men, let the thing go.



Raiden watches as Lynch hops off of the dogpile, and Robbie, Sal, Bob, Will, Dean, Samuel and Karab climb off. Sal drags the still-leashed Vince off of the pile. Mr. X quickly stumbles to his feet and leaps off of the Helipad.



Raiden: Strange man.



Lynch: Yeah.



Raiden: ..I better contact the CO.



Raiden takes a few steps back and gets onto one knee, holding his hand to the side of his head. Lynch turns to the group, clapping his hands together.



Lynch: Time to get the rest of the boys.



Jericho [Counting off on his fingers]: Ivan, Jon, Eligio, Johan, Marcos, and Brick...That's it, isn't it?



Lynch: Yeah, we left Mustafa, Melvin, *Beep*, Bobby, Courtney and Tavi behind. Alongside the other general fuck-ups and rejects of the Academy.



Karab: That's not nice.



Phil: Well, we were the general fuck-ups and rejects who decided to come along for the ride. That's worse.



Steve: He's got a point.



Raiden walks over to the group



Raiden: I need an AK. Gotta make contact with Ames.



Lynch: So, Strut F, then.



Frank [Crying]: NOT MORE WALKING! PLEASE! MY FEET HURT!



Maurice: Frank?



Frank: Yes?



Maurice grasps the rear waistband of Frank's fatigues and the back of his collar, pulling him roughly off of his feet and carrying him down the Heliport stairs as Frank screams, shaking wildly.



Lynch: Well, follow him.



Raiden and the mercenaries descend down the stairs.



**EF Connecting Bridge**



Standing outside Strut F, in the middle of the EF Connecting Bridge, are the mercenaries. The mobile flying surveillance cameras continue scouting the length of the bridge behind them, paying no notice to the mercenaries in full uniform. To their right is the bridge extending to their next objective, the Shell One Core.



Lynch: How long can it take him to walk in, take the AKs, and get out?



Moe: He's gotta find it first.

Steve: And avoid a guard.

Jericho [Holding up his index finger]: One. Fucking, Guard. Even that pipsqueak can do it. That's a fact.

Bob: No, it's your opinion.

Jericho [Sighing]: Don't start the faux-intellectual bollocks with me, Bob. IT'S A FACT!

Bill: Excuse me, I'm a redneck, I think you'll find I believe that facts ARE THE TOOLS OF THE DEVIL!!!

Sal: And that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landings were staged?

Bill: Hey, we did land on the moon! I even watched it on TV! That there Star Trek was the best programme we watched!



Jericho: Besides, everyone knows professional wrestling IS real!



Sal [Scoffing]: It isn't. It fucking isn't.



The mercenaries turn their heads to Sal.



Sal [Looking crestfallen]: Something is behind me, right?



Dave: Yep.



Sal slowly turns around: The grinning faces of Chris Sabin and Alex Shelley are standing there, both dressed in their wrestling attire and clutching steel chairs.

Sal [Whimpering]: .......Peace?

Sabin: PEACE OUT, JINNAH!

Sabin and Shelley swing the chairs in unison, crushing them into either side of Sal's head. Sal falls to his knees, his eyes rolling in his skull before hitting the floor, unconscious. Shelley places his left foot on Sal, grinning.



Shelley [Ecstatically]: QUICK! TAKE A PICTURE OF THE MIGHTY HUNTER!



Phil pulls a camera from an ammo pouch, getting on one knee and taking a quick picture as Shelley grins at the camera before hi-fiving Sabin.



Shelley: Sweet!



Sabin: Dudes.



Lynch: Cameo's.



Shelley: Dudes, just to tell you that there's no Gurlukovich Mercenaries on the first floor in the Shell One Core.



Sabin: There was only one, and he got the Motor City Machineguns treatment--



Shelley [Thrusting his chair into the air]: CONCHAIRTO!



Frank: I wish AJ Styles was like you guys.



Sabin: But we heard there's some badass dudes in B2 from--



Shelley: --Reaper Company.



A loud whine goes up from the mercenaries. Jericho throws his arms up in disbelief.



Jericho [Angrily]: THOSE ARSEHOLES GET IN WHERE A DOG'S DICK WOULDN'T!!



Shelley: By the way, what's with Sobby McCrybaby?



Shelley points at Vince who is still bawling his eyes out, curled into a foetal position with Lupa's leash around his neck.



Will [Shrugging]: He lost his cartoon pony.



Vince [Bawling]: DAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!



Dave looks down at Lupa and nods. Lupa trots over to Vince, pawing at his beard.



Sabin [Chuckling]: Man, you broke him.

Vince falls silent, Lupa swipes harder, leaving a claw mark before trotting back over to Dave and sitting beside him.

Bob: Lupa could be used for so much more than random harassment.

Dave: Like?

Will: Scouting?



Dave looks down at Lupa, who looks up at him.



Dave [Looking back at Bob and then Will]: Nah.



Bob sighs.



Shelley: Anyway, we're out, dudes. Later.



Sabin: Later.



Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin disappear in a blue haze which pops in and out of existence.



Lynch: You do know their appearances mean Mother's using Project Eos to send them here, right?



Phil: Then how do you explain Johnny Cash?



The mercenaries fall silent.



Dean: Nanomachines.



The mercenaries mumble in agreement, nodding amongst themselves.



Bob: Or that it's a cyborg used for entertainment in the canteen at the Academ--



Dean [Matter-of-factly]: BOB. NANOMACHINES.



Bob [Sighing]: ...Nanomachines. But how do you explain Shell--



Dean [Glaring at Bob]: NAN.



Samuel: O.



Karab: MACHINES.



Lynch: If Project Eos can form a link between two different points in time, it's not completely out of the question that she can form more than one and send us these cameos. For morale purposes.



Sal: Morale purposes? Really, Lynch?



Lynch [Shrugging]: When I see Sal getting smacked over the head with two chairs, it warms my heart. What can I say?



Mother's Voice [Nearby]: Exactly, Marcus.



The mercenaries look around before turning around: Mother is standing behind them, a glowing red portal having opened. Behind it, one can just about make out the inside of the Academy, circa 2014, incredibly hazy and distorted.



Karab: Uh oh.



Mother: Merely checking. Things are getting turbulent in the future thanks to the Tanker Events, though Snake remains dead and both George Sears and Liquid Ocelot remain at large. Any closer to accomplishing your mission?



Lynch: Almost, ma'am.



Mother [Snapping her heels together]: As you were, then.



Mother slowly walks backwards into the portal, which quickly shuts.



Frank: Dibs on using Project Eos to go back in time and see Jesus.



Will: Hell no! I'm using it to take a ride on MARILYN MONROE, BABY!



Phil: One track mind..



Will [Snorting]: Oh yeah, why? Would you wanna mount John Wayne?!



Johnny: Steve McQueen in his prime.



Tim slaps Johnny around the back of his head.



Dean: What about Clint Eastwood? A young CLint Eastwood?



Silence.



Frank: Why are we having this conversation?



Steve [Shrugging]: Makes a change..



Sal quickly sits up.



Sal: DID SOMEBODY SAY A YOUNG CLINT EASTWOOD?!



Everyone turns their head to Sal, who shrugs.



Sal: Well, I am a member of the English gentry. Old Etonian, y'know!



Jericho runs forward, aiming a kick at Sal who quickly rolls to his left, grinning brightly and getting to his feet.



Jericho: FUCKIN--



Sal [Smirking, pointing at Jericho]: It'll take much more than that to--



Jericho punches Sal roughly in the mouth with a straight right jab. Sal stumbles backwards before hitting the floor, splayed out. Jericho blows on his knuckles, smirking.



Jericho [Calmly]: Two times Middle East Mercenary Academy Boxing Champion. Should remember these things.



Steve: I was a two time Middle East Mercenary Academy Wrestling Tag Team Champion.



Steve reaches into an ammo pouch in his belt, pulling on a red lucha wrestling mask, with an upwards 'D' cut out of the mouth and white lines around the eyes and mouth.



Steve: EL CABRITO.



Phil [Stepping forward, puffing out his chest]: AND THE YETI!!!!!!!



Karab: I was a one time Middle East Mercenary Academy Light Heavyweight Mixed Martial Arts Champion--

Lynch [Turning to face the group, eyes widening]: Seriously?



Johnny: ....I was a one time Middle East Mercenary Academy Boxing Champion.



Lynch [Laughing in disbelief]: Seriously, you've all got titles?



Everyone murmurs amongst themselves, nodding. Aside from Will, who watches.



Will [Gulping]: Shit.



Phil: Hell, I was a three time Middle East Mercenary Academy Mongolian Wrestling Champion! Ivan was a FIVE TIME champ in that!



Dave [Smirking, patting Phil's left arm]: I was a two time Champion in that and Turkish Wrestling.



Karab: --I was also a one time Boxing Champion.



Maurice: Ow, lads, remember me: Two time Boxing Champion, one time Super Heavyweight Mixed Martial Arts champion--



Bob: And five times Hot Wings Eating Champion!



Lynch [Shaking his head]: Un-fucking-believable...DANIELS! WHAT ABOUT YOU?!



Frank [Shrugging]: I..uhh..three times..Drinking Tournament winner...



Lynch laughs quietly, shaking his head.



Frank: And..one time Heavyweight Mixed Martial Arts Champion..



Lynch [In disbelief]: WHAT?!



Frank [Nervously]: They made me!



Dean: Ah man, that night he drank all the Draino!



Bob: We all had made good money from that. Nobody expected it.



Phil: We did, though.



Steve: Frank fights like a demon when he drinks Draino.



Robbie [Smirking]: When he made James Lafonse tap out..



Bill: I still say that hold was illegal!



Moe: Hey, nothing's illegal in our fights, including merciless choking and punching!



Phil: Poor Lafonse never saw it coming.



Lynch [Calling over]: STUDLIN! WHAT ABOUT YOU?!



The mercenaries slowly fall into silence.



Tim [Waving his right hand]: One time Turkish Wrestling Champion.



Samuel: One time Bareknuckle Champio--



Lynch: Alright, I know, you lot are impressive. STUDLIN!



Will slowly turns around, looking at Lynch sheepishly.



Will [Calmly]: I...didn't take part in those vile activ--



Lynch [Snorting, Laughing]: OF COURSE! Fucking wimp!



Jericho: Now, now. He technically entered no fewer than six Bareknuckle Championship Tournaments.



Karab: I knocked him out in the first one. Which Kelleher from Reaper Company won.



Robbie: I knocked him out in the second tournament, first round. I won that one.



Phil [Raising his right fist]: I got 'im in the third! Second round! Karab won that one, actually.



Karab [Nodding]: Yeah. Kelleher sure can hit, though. Had to pray to the Guru's for help with peeing blood for a week.



Bob [Smirking]: And I--



Lynch: No way!



Will sighs, turning around and folding his arms.



Frank [Laughing]: Awww, he's nervous!



Bob: --I knocked him out in the fourth in the first round. Robbie won that one again.



Samuel: I knocked him out in the fifth. He actually made it to the Quarter Final's during that bi-monthly tournie, because everyone else ate those dodgy fish taco's.



The mercenaries shudder.



Moe: I remember those..



Samuel: I won that one.



Moe: And I knocked him out in the sixth tournament, first round, won that one myself.



Will: WELL, I WON THE BEST LOOKING COMPETITION!



Bill; You forged the trophy in Metallurgy Class!



Lynch: Hang on: Wallace. What about you?



The mercenaries groan loudly as Billy grins, counting on his fingers.



Billy: Two time Boxing Champion, one time Turkish Wrestling champion, one time Mongolian Wrestling champion, five time Middleweight Mixed Martial Arts Champion, one time Heavyweight Mixed Martial Arts Champion that I got after being one time Hot Dog Eating Champion. One time Wrestling Heavyweight Champion. One time Wrestling Silver Champion. Five time Bareknuckle Champion. One time Five Hundred Metres Champion. One time Ten Thousand Metres Sprint winner--



Sal [Sitting up and checking his watch]: TODAY, BILLY!



Billy: --Two time Ice Hockey Tournament winner with the Desert Cobra's in Cairo. From ALL FIVE ACADEMIES! One time Bobsled Champion with the Rats Of Tobruk Two Electric Boogaloo. Again, all five Academies--



Jericho: We're getting old, Billy!



Billy: --And, of course, twenty-thirteens Rookie of the Year, with twenty-twelves Prospect of the Year and, my personal favourite...Smile of the Year



Lynch: .......Okay.



Maurice: What about yeh, boss?



Lynch: I won't count them. I'm a champion in everything from Bareknuckle to Mongolian Wrestling and CQC.



Samuel: The CQC Championships? That's top tier, only for students coming from a Special Forces background--



Lynch: Former Navy SEAL, baby.



Sal: So why do we go 'Oo-rah' and Semper Fi' as if we're Green Beret's?



Lynch [Frowning]: Sal, shut up.



Sal gets to his feet as Raiden emerges behind them, dressed in the BDU uniform he was given earlier, as well as a black ski mask and dark blue helmet/headset combo. In his hands, he carries an AKs-47u.



Raiden: I'm ready.



Frank: You look like a goon.



Raiden [Taken aback]: You're wearing the same as me, without the ski mask or headset.



Frank blinks, looking down at his fatigues.



Frank [Looking back up at Raiden]: Fuck you.



Moe: Better meet the rest of the family.



Booming English Voice [From the distance]: TALLY-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!



Sal: Oh God.



Billy: Aye, meet the rest of the feckin' nutters.



The mercenaries turn right, walking onto the small bridge connecting the Strut with the Core. Frank, at the head of the group, steps onto a panel which clicks violently.



Frank [Looking down]: What the--



Steve: LOOK OUT, FRANK!



The panel detaches, falling downwards several hundred feet. Frank twists around as his left leg goes through the gap, sending his body down and sliding into the gap. He grips the platform tightly, screaming as he claws desperately at it. Will stands there, laughing loudly.



Frank [Screaming]: SAVE ME!



Frank keeps a tight grip on the platform. Lynch quickly locks his legs around the leg of the railing to his right, leaning out and gripping Frank's hand, pulling him up and onto the platform. Frank breathes heavily, rolling onto his back.



Sal [In disbelief]: Who designed this shit?!



Tim: Some kind of neurotic psychopath!



Dean: Yep, that's Ocelot.



Raiden: How do we get across?!



Vince slowly gets to his feet, sniffling loudly and wiping his eyes before turning to Phil.



Vince [Angrily]: IF ONLY WE HAD DASHIE!!



Phil steps back several times.



Will [Scoffing]: You scared of the neckbeard?



Phil: Nope. Just getting a run-up.



Phil sprints forward, kicking Vince violently in the stomach. Vince screams, shooting across the catwalk and landing right in the doorway with a violent crash. Bill raises his arms, blowing a whistle.



Bill: THAT'S A GOAL!



Tim: Seriously, how do we get over this?



Jericho: Phil, you were a Royal Engineer. Build a bridge.



Phil steps forward, pointing both hands at the bridge.



Phil [Calling out]: BRIDGE, BUILD THYSELF!



Silence.



Phil [Turning around]: I can't build a bridge without fucking equipment, Jerry. I may be a combat Engineer, but that doesn't mean I can't just fucking will building materials and explosives from THIN AIR! That's like asking you to dispose of all our ammunition in bulk right here and now!



Jericho: Alright, we get it.



Frank: So what now?



Lynch: We cross the bridge the only way we know how--



Dave: JETPACKS.



Dave, now with a jetpack, for some reason, strapped to his back, shoots forward over the bridge.



Dave: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Lynch [Sighing]: Oh my God..



Frank shoots forward, also wearing a jetpack: Lynch looks over his shoulder, noticing he's also wearing a jetpack. Behind the mercenaries, a red portal disappears with a pop.



Lynch: When in Rome--



Phil: GET READY TO FLY.



Phil shoots forward, as does every other mercenary, including Robbie holding Lupa close, and Maurice with Moe on his left shoulder, aside from Lynch, who grasps Raiden underneath his arms.



Lynch: Let's fly.



Raiden [Nervously]: Are you sure about--



Lynch begins randomly shooting forward.



Raiden [Screaming]: --THIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSS??!?!?!?!



The mercenaries shrug off their jetpacks and turn around, only for Lynch to violently crash into them..



**Shell One Core**



The mercenaries gather within the Shell One Core, outside the red pneumatic door, in a metal corridor with a surveillance camera on the wall to the right and above them. Lynch pulls off his jetpack, dropping it onto a large pile of discarded jetpacks and steps forward, looking up at the camera and giving a small wave.



Lynch: Alright, let's get going.



Lynch jogs up the five steps ahead of him and walks into the main corridor, flanked by the other mercenaries. Vince, sniffling loudly, jogs up the steps, followed by Sal.



Sal: Stopped whining, Vinnie?



Vince [Quietly]: Another Pony will show up. We both know it.



Sal [Sighing]: Please stop with this faggotry.



Tim: Uh--



Sal: No, it wasn't meant to insult you two.



Johnny [Sarcastically]: Suuuuuuuuuuuuure it wasn't.



Sal: It wasn't!



Will: He'd be insulting himself if he was!



Bob [Sighing]: Will, must you be a homophobe?



Will [Scoffing]: I am NOT a homophobe! I just hate you greasy, ugly fucks!



Johnny: That's rich coming from you.



Steve: Let's focus, guys. Let's focus. We need to meet up with Ames.



Maurice: Ee, hark at 'im, being the voice of reason!



Lynch: He's got a point. We're close. This the Core, and Ames is beneath our feet.



Bill raises his right foot. Lynch closes his eyes, sighing bitterly.



Frank: What are you doing?



Bill: He said Ames is beneath our fee-



Lynch [Angrily]: NOT LIKE THAT, YOU GODDAMN DUMB FUCK!



Bill: Oh.



Tim: That was a joke, su--



Lynch [Darkly]: It's never a joke, Tim. Never a joke.



Samuel: Just lunacy.



Karab: Aren't Brick and Jon supposed to be here?



Dean: Five. Four. Three. Two. One--



Brick: GET 'ER DOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!



Phil: It's...It's Brick.



The mercenaries turn around: Sprinting down the hallway, wearing the orange, yellow and black fatigues with a black baseball cap on his round head, is Brick. His tongue lolling from his mouth, leaving a disgusting trail of drool down his thick, stubble-laden chin. Despite being somewhat overweight, Brick sprints forward quickly, tackling Sal around his waist. Sal screams, hitting the floor with a thud.



Brick [Laughing]: THINK FAST, SAL!!!!



Sal: GERROFFA ME, YOU STUPID INBRED!!!



Will [Wincing]: That's fuckin' disgusting.



Brick gets to his feet, leaping up and elbow dropping Sal in the stomach, causing him to wheeze and curl up in a ball.



Brick [Laughing]: Gotta watch out, Sal! I know me chow mein!



Billy: I ain't even going tae touch that one--



Steve: Chow Mein?



Brick: Yeah. Chow Mein.



Brick adopts a praying mantis stance.



Brick [High-pitched]: HIYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!



Jericho: Fuck.



Frank: Hey, where's the psychopath?



Brick: Wha?



Frank: Jon.



Brick [Going back into a normal stance]: I left 'im in the locker room.



Lynch: Vince, fetch him.



Vince [Whining]: Why me?



Lynch [Angrily]: Because you're a fucking crying-ass baby.



Phil: He's got a crying ass? Medical mira--



Lynch: Finish that sentence, Nolastname, and i'll kick you so hard your spine will eject from your mouth.



Phil: Charming.



Vince sighs, turning left and dragging his feet down the corridor. At the end, he turns left, a pneumatic door hissing open and allowing him to step inside.



Ahead of him, on the wall to his left, is a long row of six lockers. To his right is a thin concrete wall, with a divider opposite the sixth and last locker, opening up into a seperate storage space packed with metal crates. From behind Vince, Raiden emerges.



Vince: What is it, bishie?



Raiden: I have to find the node. And stop calling me bishie.



Raiden walks forward and turns right into the small storage space, with a large stack of metal storage crates ahead of him, but with a gap to his right, squeezing through it and past two separately-stacked storage crates to his right, Raiden turns right, following the wall to a small alcove and turns left, logging into the node. As he does, Vince walks forward and spins to the left, facing the first locker.



Vince: Jon? Get out here. Lynch wants you.



Vince grabs the first locker door, pulling it open: Nothing. Silence follows.



Vince [Sighing]: C'mon, Jon, I wanna get this shit done so we can get home.



Vince stands between the second and third lockers, pulling the doors open: Nothing.



Vince [Growing impatient]: C'mon, Jon! SAY SOMETHING!



Vince opens the fourth and fifth lockers: Nothing.



Vince [Angrily]: JON! GET OUT HERE OR I'LL KICK YOUR A--



Vince stands in the front of the sixth locker, the door of which opens violently and hits Vince square in the face. Vince reels back and a man steps out, wearing the orange, light brown and dark brown fatigues the others are wearing. Slightly shorter than Vince, with deep-set, vicious eyes, a shaved head and stubble surrounding his angular, almost-square, jaw, Jon Manuel steps out, cracking his knuckles.



Jon [Darkly]: Kick my ass, you little Brony shit? I'll fucking end you.



Vince lunges forward, swinging his fist at Jon who ducks under it and twists around, delivering a thunderous hook to the right kidney of Vince. Vince yelps and doubles over, grasping the open locker door. Jon grabs Vince by his head, shoving it into the locker and grabbing the locker door, slamming it repeatedly on his head as he screams loudly. Lynch walks in from the left, accompanied by the others.



Lynch: Uh, Jon?



Jon: Hello.



Jon keeps repeatedly slamming Vince's head in the locker as Raiden emerges from the small storage area, eyes widening slightly as he watches Vince's legs twitch,



Lynch: Jon.



Jon nods.



Jon: The others are in B1, guarding the hostages.



Lynch: How's Ocelot?



Jon: Insane and talking to his right arm.



Steve: Sounds right..



Jon: Says we'll be getting fifty thousand each once this hostage shit is done.



Frank: But knowing Ocelot, he has some kind of sneaky, backstabbing motive--



Jon: He literally said those words. Said we'll be getting extra if we joined him. Then walked off before me or Brick could answer.



Lynch: ...Well, we don't have much choice.



Phil: But aren't we helping an extraordinarily evil, insane bad guy who wants to essentially destroy and/or control the world?



Lynch: Rule twenty-one in the Mercenary Guidelines: When stuck between two clients, go with the one who offers a safe, if blood-strewn, path to freedom.



Phil: That's rule twenty-two. Rule twenty-one is never intentionally piss off the craziest client.



Lynch: I think you'll find that goes hand in hand with rule twenty-two.



Raiden [Waving hand]: Uh, I need to find a directional microph--



Lynch: No, fuck the mindless padding. We're going straight to B1, and you can put your heads to chests.



Jon lets go of Vince, allowing him to crumble to the floor, unconscious.



Jon [Dusting off his hands]: That gets rid of one whiny bitch.



Tim: Shall we just get going?



Lynch: Let's.



Lynch turns around, heading out of the door, followed by his mercenaries. He turns right, heading up the bland, yawning metal corridor and turning rightt at the end of it. To their left, in a large alcove, are a set of large blue elevator doors. Lynch slaps the control panel, little more than a button of an arrow, to its right and folds his arms.



Phil [Singing]: The wai-ai-aiting is the hardest--



Jon: Please don't. I'll rip out your spleen if you keep it up.



Brick: try bein' nice, Jonny-boy!



Jon [Coldly]: Nice stops when i'm stuck here with you for several fucking hours.



Vince crawls towards the group of mercenaries, his head bruised and nose bleeding profusely, wheezing as he does.



Vince [Coughing]: ...Fuck you..Jon...



Jon gives a small smirk as Vince collapses behind them.



Robbie: You're not very nice, Jon.



Jon: Says the Nazi--



Robbie [Angrily]: WORLD WAR TWO GERMAN WEAPONRY AFICIONADO!!!



The elevator doors ping and slowly slide open.



Lynch: Thank fuck. Get in.



The mercenaries pile into the elevator, crushing themselves into a unified huddled mass. Lynch steps in, twisting around and pressing a button on the control panel as Raiden steps in beside him.



Lynch: Going down.



Will [Snidely]: I'll pa--



Lynch swings his elbow behind him, jabbing Will in the mouth and knocking him unconscious back into Dave and Robbie who grab him, slamming him down onto the floor as the elevator doors shut.



**Shell One Core - B2**



The elevator doors ping open, revealing the mercenaries squashed inside of it with Lynch and Raiden stood in front of them.



Billy: Why are we here?



Raiden: I need to find a Directional Microphone.



Lynch [Darkly]: Use your ears, cunt.



Raiden: I need something more powerful.



Raiden steps out of the elevator and turns right, walking towards a set of steps. Lynch lunges out, but Moe grabs the back of his right leg and Bill grabs his left arm, stopping him.



Moe: Calm, boss, calm!



Lynch [Angrily]: I'll rip his intestines from his ass, screw them up into a tuba, and play "When The Saints Go Marching In" WHILE HE BLEEDS TO FUCKING DEATH!!



Jon: Nice.



Lynch: Let's just go.



Walking out of the lift, the mercenaries turn right, heading down a set of steps, and head left down another set of steps, walking forward into the main room of B2. A console room is visible, the metal walls surrounding it covered with large windows, reinforced by gridded metal inside of them. Several computer consoles are visible, lining the head of the room and all around the circumference of the room. As the mercenaries walk down to the end of the coridoor, past a set of four lockers, and turn left, past a few feet of the console rooms wall before turning left and into an opening into the console room, they notice a large center console, forming a 'T' shape directly in the middle of the room.



The mercenaries walk inside: Two mercenaries are stood at the top of the room in front of the consoles, looking at a cage which, for some reason, holds a green parrot inside of it. To the right of the room, is a smaller room. A large, looming Gurlukovich mercenary stands in the opening to the room, arms folded as, through a window at the bottom of the room, Raiden is visibly logging into a node.



Phil: This is a lot of computers.



Frank: No hacking any bank accounts like last time.



Phil [Shrugging]: Got me rich. For a while.



The two mercenaries at the head of the room twist around, revealing the faces of Jensen and Kelleher, who they had previously met in the Sediment Pool strut.



Lynch [Darkly]: Kelleher.



Kelleher: Hello, Lynch.



Lynch: And Jensen.



Jensen: Lynch. I see your dogs are off their leash.



Phil: Aye, you'd like that, wouldn't you?



Jensen [Angrily]: And what's that supposed to mean?!



Phil: I have photos of you with a dog, and they aren't exactly suitable for all audiences!



Jensen [Turning her head, Angrily]: THAT WAS NEVER PROVEN!



Jericho: Face it, Jensen: If it's got a pulse, you'll fuck it.



Phil: Woah, if it's got a pulse? When did Jensen get so picky?!



A third Reaper Company mercenary walks towards the doorway, turning his head and looking inside. Still wearing the ski mask and headset, the mercenary grunts.



Frank: Who the fuck is that?



Lynch [Shrugs]: Beats me, I don't give a fuck about those jokers.



Jensen: It's Reinhardt.



Brick: Reinhardt?



Karab: Isn't Reinhardt that German guy who uses throwing knives?



A throwing knife whistles through the air with a red, black and yellow ribbon attached to it. Bob screams, ducking as the knife embeds itself in the console behind him.



Dean: It's him alright.



Steve wanders outside, head tilted in curiosity.



Will: Ah, leave him.



Steve wanders over to Reinhardt who stops and turns around.



Reinhardt: Ja?



Steve: Hi, Reinhardt.



Reinhardt: Ja, guten tag, Steve.



Steve: We all know you speak English, Albert.



Reinhardt [In perfect English, with a slight accent]: It stops them talking to me. If I have to hear Kelleher brag about being best shot once more, i'm going to hang myself. Ever since I was 'promoted' to be in Reaper Company, it's been an utterly terrible experience.



Steve: I see.



Bob: Life's a bit shit, eh?



Bill: That's rich coming from you!



Bob sighs loudly.



Bill: See?



A gunshot explodes out and the mercenaries stop, turning to Jensen as her eyes widen, gazing between her feet at a smoking bullethole embedded in the linoleum. Phil is standing several feet opposite from her, the tip of his AKS smoking.



Phil [Bluntly]: It's the guns fault.



Jensen turns back around, only for the gun to shoot the floor between her feet again. Jensen yelps, twisting around. Phil points at his gun.



Phil: Guns fault again.



A second shot fires out, chipping the floor near Jensen's right foot. She jolts to the left, glaring at Jericho clutching his smoking Browning pistol.



Jericho: My fault, i'll admit.



Jensen [Darkly]: Stop it or I will gut you both.



Phil shrugs, walking out of the room as Raiden begins searching for a Directional Microphone, not noticing the convenient floating box in the upper-right corner of the room. Karab sharpens his kirpan with a whetstone as he watches Raiden search.



Karab: The boy is an idiot.



Samuel: Yeah.



Bill: Says the guy who used to hide behind a shield?

Karab: Used to. I have more pride than that nowadays.

Bill [Cocking an eyebrow]: Even though you're still Dean's manservant?

Karab [Darkly, scraping the whetstone across the blade harder]: Associate.

Bill [Laughing]: Suuuuuuuuuuure.

KArab: Why can't you assholes just respect me?! I was a Gurkha, dammit! A GURKHA!



Dean: USED to be. The keyword is USED.



Karab [Coldly]: Go fuck yourself. I'm still more than dangerous than you.



Sal [Walking past]: Yeah, but can YOU see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?



Jon [Looking over]: It's covered in sugar, and kids love sugar. How many times do I have to tell you that?!



Sal [Clasping his hands to his cheeks, Shocked]: MAMA MIA!



Jon reaches into an ammo pouch on his belt, pulling out an empty magazine and throwing it at Sal, hitting him straight between the eyes and knocking him to the floor.



Jon [Darkly]: Shit-for-brains..



Dean: How violent of you, Jon.



Jon: It's what I do.



Lynch walks over to the looming mercenary, tapping his shoulder. The mercenary turns around: Standing at least a foot taller than Lynch, with slicked back black hair crowning a face worn and wrinkled with age, a barrel-like torso and a thick moustache, Marcos 'Stoofer' Enrigue looks down at Lynch.



Lynch: Thought it was you.



Marcos: Hello boss.



Lynch: Stoofer, why are you down here?



Marcos: It's safer. Besides, with all these computers, I can send a virus to anyone in the world.



Lynch: Why?



Marcos: I said I can, never said I would. It's just me and some Gurlukovich mercenaries, drinking coffee, teaching the parrot to speak.



Parrot [Squawking]: I'm Will! Nobody likes me!



The mercenaries laugh amongst themselves. Will growls angrily, shrugging it off.



Will: At least I ain't a filthy....



Marcos: Yes?



Will [Cautiously]: I'm not finishing that insult, you'd just crush my spine and play me like an accordion.



Marcos: Well, nobody likes you, but i'll give you credit: You learn pretty quick.



Outside the room, around the left side, Phil is leant against the wall, tuning his Banjolele which has hung around his neck since his arrival on Big Shell. Jericho walks out, holding a cigar and standing opposite Phil, leaning against the opposite wall and pulling out a lighter, lighting his cigar.



Jericho: Phil, I meant to ask...What's with the Banjolele?

Phil: George Formby. Banjolele. So wow. Much banjo.

Jericho [Nodding blankly]: ....I see?

Phil [Shrugging]: I thought it'd give me a bit of character beyond being the psychotic hairy fat guy with berserker tendencies.

Phil strums out a small tune.

Jericho: .......Riiiiiiiiight.

Phil: I think i've got the hang of it.

Jericho [Sighing]: Alright, fuck it, i'll bite: Play me a tune.

Phil tunes the Banjolele slightly, clearing his throat and strumming out a whimsical tune.

Phil [Singing]: Jerry, Oh Jerry, you're such an ugly cunt,

Jerry, Oh Jerry, you're a fucking runt!

You enjoy shagging old dead chicks,

With that tiny excuse for a prick,

Your Mums a whore, Your Dads a Mick,

Seeing you makes me sick!

Jerry, Oh Jerry, you're such an ugly cunt,

Jerry, Oh Jerry--

Jericho [Bluntly]: I get it.

Phil: Shut up, you haven't heard the verse where I compare your face to the anus of Mahatma Gandhi.

Jericho [Angrily]: Alright, you prick, sing something NICE about me!


Phil: alright..

Phil starts strumming again.

Phil [Singing]: Jerry, Jerry, You're a brilliant lad,

Jerry, Jerry, You're oh-so-fucking mad!

I love your trenchcoat, your sense of humour,

You've got the killing instinct of a puma,

You smell alright, Better dressed than Montezuma!

Jerry, Jerry, You're a brilliant man!

Jerry, Jerry, A billion times better than Frank!

You hit men and break their faces,

Snap their necks and put them in braces,

You don't care for popular crazes,

That's alright, cause you enjoy using tazers!

Jerry, Oh Jerry--

Jericho [Smirking happily]: That'll do, Phil. That'll do.

Phil: Just so you know, I have a song for insulting and complimenting everyone.

Jericho: Sing one where you insult yourself.

Phil strums out another tune.

Phil [Singing]: Phil, Oh Phil, you're such an ugly fuck!

Phil, Oh Phil, you look like you were hit by a truck!

You've got no job, you're a hopeless wanker,

Your lack of talent leaves you completely thankless,

Every woman you meet wants you dead,

You're abnormally fucked in the head,

Your only friends want to stab you in the back,

You're fucking useless at making a craic.

Phil, Oh Phil--

Jericho [Grinning]: And stop.

Phil [Coldly]: That'll be ten quid, or this Banjolele goes up your arse.

Jericho reaches into his pocket, pulling out a worn £10 note and handing it to Phil who takes it and pockets it.

Jericho: Maybe you should be happy for once.

Phil [Inanely]: LOOK AT MY LIFE, JERRY. THE LAST TIME I WAS HAPPY WAS BEFORE I WAS EVEN BORN!!

Jericho: You're seriously making an attempt to take Bob's place as "Most Depressed", huh?

Phil: I could never be that depressed.

Jericho sighs, walking over and clasping his hands on Phil's shoulders.

Jericho: You're alright, Phil.

Moe walks around the corner.

Moe: Yo, did I hear a banjolele?

Phil: Aye, MY banjolele.

Moe: Phil, how old are you?

Phil: Twenty-seven.

Moe: That's too early to be having a mid-life crisis, man!

Phil [Shrugging]: What can I say? I'm dying inside and aging twice as fast.

Jericho: Wow, twenty-nine. Hang on, does that mean you went into the Army--

Phil: --At sixteen. Dad signed me permission form. Joined Rejects at twenty-two. Now at twenty-nine and wishing I went to fucking college and university after all.

Jericho: Shit, no wonder you've got a screw loose.

Phil: Well, they didn't have me killing at sixteen, Jerry. They were teaching me useful shit, fucking ammo techie.

Jericho [Coldly]: Go build a bridge.

Phil [Darkly]: Go suck a bag of dicks.

Moe: Now now, ladies, you're both equally repulsive.

Dave walks around the corner, walking Lupa by the leash now wound around his waist.

Dave: I heard banjolele's and smelt cigar smoke. And I want in.

Jericho sighs, reaching into the breast pocket of his trenchcoat and pulling out a cigar, holding it to Dave who takes it, placing it between his teeth and leaning in as Jericho lights it.

Jericho: There you go. Bloody Colorado bastard.

Dave: Fuck off. I'm half-English, y'know.

Phil: Oi vey!



Dave glares at Phil, pulling away from Jericho as he puffs on his cigar and Jericho hands one to Moe.



Dave: I know English slang, like....dog and bo--



Jericho [Darkly]: Don't make me fucking hit you.



Dave [Shrugging]: My Dad was from London. So he says.



Phil: How can you tell?



Dave: He has a penchant for calling everyone 'cahnt'.



Phil and Jericho nod at eachother, before nodding at Moe who nods back.



Phil, Jericho and Moe [in unison]: Londoner.



Dave: Hang on, Moe, weren't you born in Chicago?



Moe: I'm a traveller. Family moved to London when I was two, stayed there for a long while, moved to Wiltshire when I was seventeen, even signed up with the British Army. Royal Anglian Regiment.



Jericho: Go on.



Moe: Part of the 1st Battalion. Vikings.



Dave: No offence, but they let YOU in?



Moe [Shrugging]: I was fit and a bit short. So? Well, that and my grandfather was an officer. May have..greased some palms to get me in.



Phil: So how the fuck did you end up here? Not to brown-nose, but you're clearly a different breed of bastard from the rest of us.



Moe: Let's just say that although my grandfather got me in, he couldn't stop me facing court martial after a small incident involving a fellow soldier who didn't like dwarfism, which ended with me strapping him to the bed and whipping him with a spare ammo belt.



Jericho [Chuckling]: Now THAT'S badass!



Maurice walks around the corner.



Maurice: This the English reunion, lads? Except for Dave.



Tim walks around the corner from behind Maurice, raising his right hand and waving.



Tim: Heard the words 'English reunion'.



Moe: Bloody hell, how many English people are in this company?



Maurice [Folding his arms]: I dunno, but there's a lot of us, like.



Tim: So, down with Yanks, eh? Boo!



Tim chuckles slightly. Phil shrugs, tuning his Banjolele.



Phil: Kind of says it all about England..



Silence.



Maurice: Aye...



Phil: Now time to lift the spirits!

Phil begins strumming his Banjolele again.

Phil [Singing]: Now I go window cleanin' to earn an honest bob!

For a nosy parker, it's an interestin' job!

Now it's a job that just suits me,

A window cleaner you would be,

If you can see what I can see,

When I'm cleanin' windows!

Honeymoonin' couples too,

You should see them bill 'n coo,

You'd be surprised at things they do,

When I'm cleanin' windows!

In my profession I'll work hard,

But I'll never stop,

I'll climb this blinkin' ladder

Till I get right to the top!

The blushin' bride, she looks divine,

The bridegroom he is doin' fine,

I'd rather have his job than mine!

When I'm cleanin' windows!

The chambermaids' sweet names I call!

It's a wonder I don't fall,

My mind's not on my work at all,

When I'm cleanin' windows!

I know a fella, such a swell,

He has a thirst, that's plain to tell,

I've seen him drink his bath as well,

When I'm cleanin' windows!

Oh, in my profession I'll work hard,

But I'll never stop,

I'll climb this blinkin' ladder

Till I get right to the top!

Pyjamas lyin' side by side,

Ladies nighties I have spied.

I've often seen what goes inside,

When I'm cleanin' windows!

Phil strums out a small solo, laughing, as Lynch turns the corner, folding his arms and watching as the others around Phil clap their hands in rhythm.

Phil [Singing]: Now there's a famous talkie queen,

She looks a flapper on the screen,

She's more like eightie than eighteen!

When I'm cleanin' windows!

She pulls her hair all down behind,

Then pulls down her.......never mind!

The mercenaries laugh amongst themselves, even Phil, which momentarily stops him singing.

Phil [Laughing, Continuing]: .......And after that pulls down the blind!

When I'm cleanin' windows!

In my profession I'll work hard,

But I'll never stop,

I'll climb this blinkin' ladder

Till I get right to the top!

At eight o clock, a girl she wakes,

Five past eight, a bath she takes,

Ten past eight, me ladder breaks,

When i'm cleaning windows!

Phil begins to strum out a lengthy solo of varying notes, easily managing to execute a flurry of signature split-strokes that emulate the style of George Formby, albeit clumsily striking the last chord. He finishes the solo, finishing with a split stroke, following it by strumming all the strings roughly before flicking his right hand up, raising it as the others whoop and applaud.

Jericho [Clapping, Laughing]: Motherfucker, you've been possessed by Formby himself!

Phil [Smirking sheepishly]: It's turned out nice again!

Lynch [Walking over, clapping and smirking]: Well, Nolastname, you make a fucking awful soldier, but you may have a job in entertainment after all!

From the right, approaching down the coridoor, a Gurlukovich mercenary, wearing his ski mask, strolls over.

Mercenary: Ocelot really hired you idiots? Pathetic.

Phil: Be nice, mate, we're having some fun.

Mercenary [Scoffing]: Fuck off.

Phil: Well, your appearance is very convenient, because--

Phil runs his hand up and down the neck of the Banjolele, lifting it up and aiming down the neck and head of the Banjolele before pulling the bottom string roughly, a gunshot exploding and hitting the mercenary, blowing a hole in his chest and sending him rolling backwards across the floor, leaving a violent smear of blood across the linoleum. Lynch and the others watch in shocked surprise as Phil raises his Banjolele up into the air.

Phil [Grinning darkly]: SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKER! TWENTY GAUGES OF RED-HOT FORMBY DEATH!

Lynch [Eyes widening]: ....Phil. What in the actual FUCK?

Phil [Smirking]: Royal Engineers, baby.

Tim [In awe]: You have got to show me how to do that.

Phil walks over to Tim and twists around at his side, placing his arm over his shoulders and guiding him up the coridoor.

Phil: Come, my apprentice! I shall teach you how to deal out Banjolele-laced death!

Back in the console room, Vince is standing at the left hand console, glaring at a screen on the console.

Billy: What yeh lookin' at, Vince?

Vince: Merely catching up on my shows.

Billy: Pony?

Vince: Pony.

Billy [Sighing darkly]: Yeh be a strange lad, Vinnie.

Vince [Scoffing, pointing out of the window straight ahead of him]: I JUST SAW PHIL SHOOT SOMEONE WITH A BANJOLELE! THAT'S STRANGE!

Billy: Nae, that's controlled madness. Like a gorilla with a grenade launcher.

Steve [Smirking]: That just sounds plain awesome.

Vince [Mumbling]: Nothing wrong with ponies..



Billy: You're a grown man, Vinnie.



Vince: SO?! We can all have guilty pleasures!!



Dean: Ours involve alcohol, titties and bloodbaths. Yours involve multicoloured ponies.



Marcos: Alcohol, Titties and Bloodbaths is the title of my life story. Careful how you use it.



Reinhardt [Wandering over]: Sounds like the motto of the Academy.



Maurice: British Academy.



Frank wanders over to the left-hand console in the room, looking up at the screen and tapping something in. Billy wanders over, looking over his shoulder:



Billy: What yeh doing?



Frank: Frank bored. Frank find movie.



Will [Grunting]: FRANK FIND FIRE! FIRE HURT FRANK!



Johnny: I thought it was water?



Frank [Scoffing, throwing up his arms]: You haven't even know me that long, new guy!



Johnny: It's a legend. Like the collection of Moe's left feet, and Marcos's scalp collection, and the legend of Will and the water.



Brick: Aw man, I love that legend!



Will [Confused]: Excuse me..what legend?



Samuel: The legend goes that if you say Will's name while looking into your reflection in a body of water five times, he appears and will try and hump your leg.



Dean [Interjecting]: Only if you're female.



Frank: That's not a legend, Will actually tried that once or twice. Is the reason why we had to close the golf course: No more water hazards allowed.



Frank keeps tapping the keyboard as something begins to load.



Bob [Wandering over]: What are you doing, Frank?



Frank [Grinning, bouncing on spot]: EXPENDABLES FIVE!



Bob, Johnny, Marcos, Jon and Brick rush over, standing behind Frank.



Marcos: I love this movie! Explosions, blood and no plot!



Jon [Grinning]: The perfect movie!



Maurice, standing at the northern console to the left of the parrot, tapping at a few keys as Dave walks behind him, with Lupa still attached to the leash looped around his waist.



Dave: Sup, big man?



Maurice: Tryin' tae find a movie tae watch, lad.



Dave: Like?



Maurice flicks a few buttons, and the screen flickers to play "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy".



Dave: Aw, sweet, I love this film!



Maurice [Raising his arms]: GATHER 'ROUND, LADS! MOVIE NIGHT!



Jensen and Kelleher sigh, looking at eachother and shaking their heads before standing either side of the doorway and watching as Moe, Dean, Karab, Samuel and Robbie crowd around the console.



Marcos: Yeah, but we've got the Expendables Five--



On that cue, Steve, Jericho, Bill and Billy rush over. Phil enters the room, his Banjolele hanging around his neck as he carries a bucket of popcorn.



Kelleher: Where the fuck did he get that?



Phil shoves himself between Bill and Billy, watching the movie as Tim wanders in, now clutching a small ukelele, grinning to himself.



Tim: Sweet!



Jensen [Sighing, rubbing her eyes]: You people are just idiots.



Tim twists around, clutching the body of his ukelele in his left hand and holding the neck in his right hand, holding it from his left hip like an assault rifle.



Tim: Be warned, Jensen: This thing is dangerous.



Jensen [Snorting]: Aren't you that queer from the Academ--



Tim pulls the lower string, a stream of flames rolling from the head of the guitar. Jensen screams, running out of the room and desperately slapping the fatigues on her chest which are now aflame. Kelleher just looks, laughing as Reinhardt points, cackling loudly.



Reinhardt [Clapping]: YES! YES!



Lynch watches, smirking and shaking his head as Tim jogs over to Johnny's group, turning and watching The Expendables Five.



Lynch [Quietly]: Nutty bastards..



Lynch sighs, glancing at the radar on his bracer and lifting his head, watching as Raiden walks past him.



Lynch: Raiden, have you fucking found it yet?



Raiden holds up a Directional Microphone.



Raiden: Got it.



Lynch: Let's move out, men.



Vince: Hang on, let me catch up on my Pony. [Sighing contently]: Oh, Derpy, if only there were women like you out the--



Sal: Vince, just move.



Vince: No.



Sal: Yes.



Lynch walks over to Phil, Steve, Jericho, Bill, Billy, Frank, Bob, Johnny, Tim, Brick, Jon and Marcos.



Lynch: Move.



Frank: Hang on..



Phil [Chewing popcorn]: Hold on, we're watching The Expendables Five: Escape From The Retirement Home.



Marcos: Who knew Stallone had his zimmer frame fitted with flamethrowers?



Jon: It's a good idea for the discerning older gentleman in need of cold-blooded killing.



Johnny: Terry Crews looks so out of place. I mean, he's young, buff and spry: Schwarzenegger looks like he might collapse if he sneezes too hard.



The sound of an explosion hits the screen.



Bill: Where did Stallone get the grenade launcher?



Phil: Well, he did say he'd kill them if they gave him his Saturday pills on a Wednesday again. LOOK OUT, LUNDGREN: NURSE WITH A FLAMETHROWER!



Sound of rushing flames, followed by an explosion and agonised screaming.



Tim: So, Dolph Lundgren can make flamethrowers explode by throwing chairs.



Steve: That wasn't a chair, that was Stallone's walker.



Bill: If you look closely enough, you can see Statham sighing while Schwarzenegger huffs from his oxygen tank.



Lynch: Men?!



Sound of several explosions.



Tim: There goes the assisted living quarters!



Phil [Pointing, Laughing]: Where'd Jet Li get the rocket-powered wheelchair?



Sound of a roaring engine, followed by a yell and a crunch. The mercenaries wince in unison.



Jericho: Now, we all knew Jet Li could literally kick a mans head off, but that's just messy.



Billy: Well, that is the lad who cut in front of him tae get some corn mush.



Lynch walks away, shaking his head and walking around the console, walking over to Maurice, Moe, Dean, Karab, Samuel, Will, Robbie, Dave and Lupa who are stood around another console, watching Anchorman.



Will: You know, I like this Ron Burgundy fellow.



The others look uneasily at Will before looking back at the screen.



Lynch: Men, we need to go.



Dave: Yeah, hold on.



Moe [Laughing]: "Seventy percent of the time, it works everytime!"



The mercenaries laugh.



Dave: Oh God, fast forward to the fight scene. I loved that!



Samuel taps a few buttons on the keyboard as Raiden and Lynch watch.



Raiden: What do we do?



Lynch: I don't know. Let's do this shit ourselves.



Raiden: Won't we need their he--



Lynch [Determinedly]: I'M A FORMER NAVY SEAL, I'LL TAKE THEIR ENTIRE FUCKING ARMY TO HELL IF I NEED TO!!!



Raiden: Oh.



Lynch stomps off as the mercenaries inside the console room refuse to move.



Frank: Watch out, Statham: GIANT ROBOT NURSE!



Sounds of explosions from their screen.



Tim: Son of a bitch, where'd he get that RPG?



Phil: Terry Crews. Man's a walking military backpack. Look, he just got a PKM from nowhere.



Sound of heavy gunfire and screaming.



Bob: Well, he did tell the night-shift nurses to change Stallone's denture water before he wakes up.



Jericho: In comes Jet Li..



Sound of yelling and a vicious crunch.



Johnny: ....Aaaand out goes five old people.



Vince: Oh, Fluttershy...you're so cute..



Moe: How do they make shit this funny?



Sound of skewering from the monitor Moe's group are watching.



Maurice: Brick killed a guy!



Samuel: There's a man on fire and tridents and everything.



Will: Amazing.



A knock raps out against the window, Moe's group looks up, quickly jolting back as Lynch slams his trench knives through the window, shattering it. The parrot shrieks in its cage, flapping its wings roughly.



Lynch [Darkly]: Move or I will gut one of you and use their intestines to strangle the rest of you.



Maurice, Moe, Dean, Karab, Samuel, Will, Robbie and Dave, leading Lupa, quickly rush out of the console room, dragging Vince with them. Jericho turns his head, looking at Lynch.



Jericho: ...Yeah, we should probably move.



Bob: But the movie's just--



Lynch growls angrily.



Bob: Let's go.



The remaining mercenaries rush out of the console room, leaving their movies playing.



**Shell One Core - B1**

The elevator doors slide open and Raiden steps out, clutching his directional microphone. Maurice lumbers out, gripping his bulbous gut in both hands.

Maurice: Och, bloody lighter. I need me fat!

Dean: Sorry, big man, but we're out.

Samuel: I thought you carried a stockpile of horrifyingly fatty food.

Dean [Darkly]: Fuck off, Sammy, I had to carry extra ammo or else Lynch would gut me.

Lynch: Well, you had to be useful for something.

Dean [Scoffing]: I'm the Cook!

Brick: Barely! Can't even cook shit on a shingle!

Dean [Cracking his knuckles]: I'll give you some fucking shit on a shingle.

Karab: Dean serves shit on something.

Dean storms out, flinging his arms up.

Dean [Angrily]: COOK YOUR OWN FUCKING FOOD, THEN!!

Moe: Don't storm off, makes you look like a bloody baby.

Dean sits in the middle of the hallway on the floor, folding his arms and pouting.

Sal: What the fuck are you doing?

Dean: I REFUSE TO MOVE! I AM RAGING AGAINST THE MACHINE!

Tim: Well, if you're comparing yourself to bands, you're being a right Tool.

A loud laugh goes up from the mercenaries.

Bill [Slapping Tim's back]: Now THAT was good!

Brick: These kids are learnin' fast!

Raiden chuckles. The laughing stops and Steve slaps him around the back of his head.

Steve: We laugh. You work.

Raiden sighs, standing there blankly as Lynch steps out, clapping his hands.

Lynch: Right, let's get downstairs, then!

Jericho [Bluntly]: Yay.

Sal: Here we go: The crazies await.

Dave: Sal, you're crazy.

Sal leaps onto Will's back, piggybacking and whooping loudly, pulling a riding crop out and hitting Will on the rear. Will screams, sprinting forward and trying to shake him off.

Sal [Cackling]: COME ON, BAMBI! COME ON! RUN! RUN! RUN!

Will shakes violently, screaming as Sal cackles wildly.

Robbie: ...What the FUCK?

Dave: LUPA!

Lupa tilts her head, looking up at Dave.

Dave: ...Just look confused.

Lynch sighs, giving a shrill whistle. Will grinds to a halt.

Lynch: On me. Now.

The mercenaries file out of the elevator and out into the hallway. Straight ahead of them, midway down the wall to their left, is the retinal scanner with a door beside it. Lynch steps forward, looking up at the security, then down at the retinal scanner.



Raiden: We need someone with--

Lynch holds his head to the scanner.

Electronic Voice: Retinal pattern recognised. You are free to enter.

Lynch: Remember that we're stationed here, you goddamn retard.

The door slides open and Lynch walks in. Johnny presses the sole of his boot against the small of Raiden's back, pushing him forward.

Johnny: Move, dummy.

Raiden stumbles forward, looking over his shoulder and scowling as he walks in, following Lynch. Marcos slaps a hand on Johnny's back.

Marcos: With that kind of soulless cruelty towards a man you're supposed to be helping..you're fitting in well.

Johnny [Smirking]: Well, Cruelty To People We're Supposed To Protect was my minor at the Academy.

The mercenaries follow Lynch through the door.

The room appears to be a large meeting room. Heading down the stairs, several mercenaries, wearing the Gurlukovich camouflage, complete with headsets and ski masks, are patrolling. Turning right at the bottom of the stairs, a large wooden divider seperates the far-right of the room from two large metal gridded platforms, presumably used for holding video cameras. In the main room itself are six tables: To the left of the wooden divider, a few feet away, is a long wooden table, divided down the center by a wooden divider with six thin metal crates, stacked two atop of the other in a row of three, are sat behind the wooden divider. Two tables are situated to the north, and two the south, with the fifth table a few feet to the left.

A few feet to the left of this is a large platform, designed for a speaker, complete with an angular table, upon which two glass autocues sit. To the left of it stands a furled American flag, while behind the table is a large whiteboard, presumably for presentations. Directly below the stairs and to the left, Maurice walks over to a small catering area, little more than three metal tables, one long table holding several plates on the right with several apples on the left, flanked by a shorter table to its left and a set of metal shelves on its right upon a table, holding several wine glasses and plates.

Notably, several hostages, mostly older civilians wearing dark suits and dresses, are sat around on the floor, leant against the table and various camera platforms, hands bound behind their backs and duct-tape over their mouths.

Will: Don't be so excited to see us.

At the foot of the stairs, a mercenary leaps out before grasping his ski mask and headset, ripping them off to reveal the bald head and gnarled grin of Crazy Ivan, holding out his arms.

Ivan [Grinning]: I make boom?

Steve: IVAN!

Frank: And here's one crazy!

Ivan: Is good to see you all! Welcome to ze suck!

Steve leaps forward, hugging Ivan who clasps his arms around.

Steve: Glad to see you're alive!

Ivan: Da, da, is quiet down here!

Bill: Unless you're screaming.

Brick: Or blowin' stuff up.

Ivan walks to the left of the staircase, heading into the main body of the room as the mercenaries descend the stairs and follow him. Sitting on the middle table, his feet resting on the shoulders of an old, suited hostage, is a mercenary wearing his fatigues. Hispanic, with dark skin but a grin as bright as the sun thanks to his whitened teeth, with black hair slicked back and beaming eyes, is Eligio Martinez, formerly known as 'That Hispanic Guy'.

Eligio: Hola, mi amigos! Good to see you all!

Lynch: Hola, Eligio.

Eligio [Grinning]: HOLA!

Lynch: How're you holding up?

Eligio [Shrugging]: Same old. Just guarding the hostages.

Eligio taps his feet repeatedly down on the hostage.

Lynch: Why?

Eligio: Ocelot wanted us to. As did that other guy. Who was wearing big cape. [Flexes dramatically] Grr.

Lynch: Where is he?

Eligio: No idea. That room, maybe?

Eligio points opposite him at the wall. Phil walks over to a long window at the North of the room, partially blocked by another large metal platform. Holding his hands over his forehead, he looks inside before shrugging.

Phil: Can't see him.

Lynch [Sighing, shaking his head]: Guess we'll just have to hang fire here, then. [Thrusting his right hand into the air] Stand down, men!

The mercenaries let loose a loud, unified sigh of relief, beginning to disperse around the room. Lynch turns around, walking past a table to his right.

Booming Voice With A Heavy Accent: LEENCH!!!

Lynch stops. From underneath a table, a chiselled figure, clad in the yellow, light brown and dark brown fatigues of the Gurlukovich Mercenaries crawls out. He stands several feet away, opposite of Lynch before pulling off his mask and headset revealing a figure with an impressive chiselled jaw, two scars running down the left and right side of his forehead, and a deep, silvery cross-shaped scar on his right cheek. With a slightly-loose bottom lip that hosts a long silvery scar, and a crown of spiked black hair, the mercenary reveals himself as Fabien.

Fabien [Grinning brightly, holding out his arms]: VE HAVE TO STOP MEETING LIKE ZIS!!!!!!!

Bob: MotherFUCKER!

Lynch storms forward, holding out his right hand. Fabien stomps forward, clasping his left hand to Lynch's. Lynch shakes it roughly, cracking a broad grin.

Lynch [Laughing]: Fabien, you magnificent motherfucker. Good to see you!

Fabien: I vas vondering vere they stationed you! I vas on ze Shell Two Core but, alas, vas called back here!

Lynch: Man, been too long. Gotta love the Amazon, huh?

Fabien: Oui! Oui! Your men are in good shape?

Lynch: As good as they can be. Who else is here?

Fabien: Vell, your other friends! Zere is one more strange English here who says he knows you!

Frank: Aw shit.

Stomping over, Frank and Lynch twist around. The thick, heavy-set form of Winston Tenpenny, wearing Gurlukovich fatigues but with his thick moustache curled and his head covered in a brown leather flight helmet with the goggles over the forehead, is heading towards them, his arms spread. A few feet behind him, Jeeves, wearing his own fatigues with his ski mask rolled up over the top of his head to form a small beanie, is stood beside a seat at the lower-right most table, a steaming black pot of tea and a white china cup sat on the table.

Winston Tenpenny [Laughing jovially]: CHAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPSSSSSSS!!!!! WE'RE ALL HERE!!!

Tenpenny laughs boisterously, slamming his large hands into the chests of Lynch and Frank before wrapping his arms around their shoulders, shaking them and hugging them.

Lynch [Grimacing]: Yeah..hi, Winston..

Tenpenny [Grinning, Pulling away]: And Fabien too! Why, what a perfect reunion for us all!

Jeeves [Sighing]: Indeed, sir.

Bob: Well, we're all here, then. In the Shell One Core. Drawing attention to ourselves.

Billy leaps onto the nearby table.

Billy [Cackling]: WHO WANTS TO SEE ME CABER?!?!?!

Sal: Oh, Good Lord!

Tenpenny [Laughing boisterously]: SUCH MERCENARIES! SUCH GLORIOUS FUN! SUCH COMPANY!

Bob [Sighing]: Why can't we just complete the mission and go home?

Frank: Quit whining, Bob.

Dave: Leave him, it's all he's good at it.

Bob: Fuck you, Dave. I'm lonely. We get all these shitty cameo appearances yet I can't even summon Laughing Octopus--

Marcos: Because she's gone insane, ese. Violently insane.

Maurice: He has a point, kidda.

Bob [Screaming]: I WANT LAUGHING OCTOPUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!

Silence. The mercenaries and Gurlukovich guards turn their heads to Bob, whose head is looking at the ceiling with his arms spread.

Marcos: Wow, now that's an overreaction.

Dave [Rubbing his eyes]: Bob, you need to find someone--

Bob [Snapping his head to Dave, screaming]: I HAVE!!!!!!!

Jon: Looks like Bob has taken Vince's place as Official Whiny Bitch.

Vince: Really?!

Jon: Barely.

Bob looks up at the ceiling, pointing at it.

Bob [Angrily]: JUST GIVE ME THIS ONE THING, GODDAMMIT!! I DON'T ASK FOR MUCH--

A red light fills the room which quickly dissipates.

Phil: Oh fuck.

Feminine Voice: ...Bob?

Bob's eyes slowly widen and he spins around. Behind him stands Laughing Octopus, with her short, feathered-blonde hair, her delicate body, thin jaw and piercing blue eyes. Wearing a tight black turtleneck jumper, jeans and black combat boots, she appears suspiciously dirty, her pale face blemished with marks of dirt and oil, her jeans riddled with dirt, and her boots scuffed and worn.

Bob [Falling to his knees and bowing to her]: JESUS BE PRAISED!!

Eligio: This is less like Jesus's work, and more like the work of a madman!

Mother's Voice [Otherworldly, ethereal]: It will help his motivation.

Lynch [Looking up]: Mother, how the fuck--

Mother's Voice [Otherworldly, ethereal]: She's a combat cyborg, designed by our Academy and given an AI very similar to Octopus's own, crafted from her statistics, personality and our various clashes with her from Bolivia to Chechnya. However, we've set it to the default mode she assumed before the events of Metal Gear Solid, and thus before she remembered the Devil's Village Massacre.

Phil: We're still waiting for an explanation on how that happened.

Mother's Voice [Darkly, Otherworldly, ethereal]: Because the nanomachines we injected them with following your encounter with them in the Middle East was designed to suppress and temporarily hinder their memories. That's why their personalities were, essentially, wiped clean. However, thanks to the Shadow Moses Incident and the S3 Plan coming to fruition, allowing The Patriots to begin the creation of the Sons of the Patriots system and people on a civilian level, the nanomachines we were using, pre-S3 Plan.....wore off, to say the least. Well, more like they...destabilised.

Phil: Oh.

Lynch: Wait, you injected them with nanomachines?! HOW?!

Mother's Voice [Otherworldly, ethereal]: After those initial events, capturing them was quite easy. Especially with tranquilizer darts filled with nanomachines. Supplied by AT Corp.

Frank: The Patriots? Really, Mother?

Mother's Voice [Otherworldy, ethereal]: You'd be surprised how many applications nanomachines can be used in. They've almost become a running joke in this--

Phil [Darkly]: --fucking game.

Mother's Voice [Otherworldly, ethereal]: But, all you need to know is that this cyborg is an exact replica of Octopus's AI. Though she's a bit worn from the battles we've subjected to her, she should be fully repaired. And Bob?

Bob: Yes?

Mother's Voice [Hesitantly, Otherworldly, Ethereal]: .......She is anatomically-correct. For some reason, her engineers insisted on it.

Bob [Rejuvenated, leaping to his feet]: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

Moe [Bluntly]: Oh God, no.

Laughing Octopus [Blinking, rubbing her eyes]: ..I know you...It's...in my memory.....Bob.....Someone I.............love?

Jericho: Oh, cut this madness.

Steve: Even I don't like this...PHIL. HUG ME.

Steve jumps at Phil, hugging him tightly. Phil wraps his arms around him, glaring over his shoulder at Bob.

Phil: Now you've made Steve upset. Steve?

Steve [Sweetly]: Yes?

Phil: That better be a gun in your pocket.

Steve [Sighing]: Yes, of course it is.

Phil: Good.

Will: I could use Ra--

Mother's Voice [Otherworldly, ethereal]: No. Goodbye.

Octopus [Quietly]: Bob...I wish to engage in a kiss with you--

Tenpenny [Chewing on his pipe, wrinkling his nose]: Courtship appears to be getting shorter these days, old chap!

Lynch [Sighing]: Trust me, they've courted. Boy, have they fucking courted. It's the reason he's as useless as tits on a nun.

Sal: Aw, man. How come he gets some?

Bill: Without it, he'd be the most useless member of the team?

Sal: Even more useless than Vince?

Bill: Even more useless than Vince.

Sal [Clasping his hands to his cheeks, shocked]: MAMA MIA!!

Billy: ACH, JUST TAP THAT!!

Bob [Nervously]:Seriously, are you all going to watch?!

A murmuring and shuddering rolls across the mercenaries.

Johan: Dear God, no.

Will: We're desperate, but not that desperate.

Tenpenny: Take it behind the wall, chap, we won't watch!

Bob looks to his left at the wooden divider, sighing and looking at Octopus who gives a small smile, slightly confused. Bob lifts his hands towards her shoulders, only to watch them shaking violently.

Bob: Why are my hands shaking?!

Will: Because you're gay. OUTTA THE WAY, I'M GONNA GRAB ME SOME POONTANG!

Will pushes Bob aside, slicking his hair back and grinning at Octopus.

Will: Hey, baby, ditch the zero and get with the hero--

Silence. The sound of timid, fearful whimpering.

Phil: What the fuck is that?

Moe: No idea..

Bob lunges up, punching Will violently in the temple and sending him to the side before collapsing to the ground, splayed out.

Frank [Wide-eyed]: Woah.

Bob [Angrily, pointing at Will]: NO-ONE MESSES WITH MY GIRL! NO-ONE! CUNT! ASSHOLE!

Octopus: Thank you, Bob..

Lynch: This just isn't funny anymore.

Fabien: Be happy, Leench!

Lynch: Shut up, Frenchy.

Fabien: NON! BE HAPPY!

Lynch: NEVER!

Tenpenny turns to Jeeves, giving a small nod.

Tenpenny: I could use some tea, Jeeves!

Jeeves [Sighing]: Right away, sir..

Tenpenny walks over to his chair, sitting down as Jeeves places the pot back on the portable stove. Lynch walks over, standing beside Tenpenny.

Tenpenny [Glancing up]: Tea, Lynch?

Lynch: No, I just need to separate myself from those imbeciles.

A small whimpering goes out. Tenpenny looks around.

Tenpenny: Hm. TEA, JEEVES!

Jeeves sighs, pouring some tea as Phil walks to the side of the table, getting on all fours and looking beneath the table.

Phil: What the hell is that sound?

Billy: Sounds like....nervousness.

Phil: What does nervousness sound like?

Moe walks past them, farting loudly.

Moe [Chuckling]: That.

Tenpenny takes a drink of tea, ruffling his moustache and closing his eyes as Phil walks away, scratching his head.

Tenpenny [Calmly]: So, Marcus, how did you get stuck with this gentlemen?

Lynch: It's a long story.

Tenpenny [Smirking, holding out his arms]: But we have all day, good chap!

Lynch: I don't.

Tenpenny: I see. A touchy subject, hm?

Lynch: Very. Let's just say that they're a bunch of soldiers who never wanted to be soldiers, drifted to their armed forces one way or another, and ended up in our company to avoid court martial or being dishonorably discharged.

Tenpenny [Taking a drink of tea]: I see.

Bob and Octopus scuttle off behind the wooden divider.

Eligio [Sighing]: And there they go.

From behind Eligio walks a tall, muscular mercenary with thick-set limbs and a large torso, his bald head glinting in the lights and a thick goatee starting to grow into a wiry beard around his thick jaw: Johan Raul, another Hispanic mechanic/mercenary.

Johan: Young love. How cute.

Eligio: Love?! [Spits on the floor] THAT'S NOT LOVE! THAT IS LUST! Sweet, sweet lust..

Johan sidesteps away from Eligio.

Johan: Okay, I think i'll go see how Dave is doing.

Johan walks over to Dave, sitting on the edge of the podium with Lupa sat on the floor, panting loudly.

Dave: Hey, big lad.

Johan: Nice dog, Dave.

Dave [Looking down]: Lupa. Grey wolf. Got her from Shadow Moses. She's a killer.

Johan: Nice. She killed anyone?

Dave: Not yet. Just waiting for the chance to unleash her.

Karab [Wandering past, eating an apple]: Unleash it on Vince.

Dave: Why?

Johan: Nobody likes Vince.

Vince whimpers nearby.

Frank: I don't mind Vince!

Billy: Neither do I! He makes for good target practice.

Jericho approaches the microphones on the desk upon the podium, leaning down and tapping them.

Jericho [Voice amplified]: Testing..

Lynch [Looking over]: Don't play with those, Jericho.

Jericho [Pointing at Frank]: That man is carrying illegal contraband in the form of alcoholic beverages.

Frank: Well, yeah, everyone kno--

Frank screams as Ivan tackles him to the floor, rolling up the legs of his fatigues.

Ivan [Cackling]: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Jon leaps on Frank, elbow-dropping him and snatching a can as Frank screams. Jericho chuckles, adjusting the collar of his trenchcoat.

Jericho: Score one for me.

Tenpenny takes a drink of tea, leaning up and looking over the table where Frank is now laid, sobbing and curled into a foetal position. Robbie walks over to him, looking down at him and tapping his back with his left foot.

Robbie [Darkly]: As weak as a newly-born kitten. Why is he the second-in-command?

Lynch: He has his moments.

Robbie: Of drunkenness? Of lechery? Of insanity? He has no moments of brilliance. He has but a brief madness.

Tenpenny [Taking a drink of tea]: He has a point, old chap.

Lynch: Point out a better second-in-command, then.

Tenpenny points at Sal, busy raking inside his left ear.

Lynch: He's my third-in-command.

Tenpenny looks around the room, pointing at Marcos whose eyes widen, giving a slow nod.

Lynch [Scratching behind his ear]: I like to keep the mechanical mercenaries separate. They're my fail-safe and they're better not babysitting these morons.

Jeeves [Tiredly]: Sir, it's clear Lynch is busy holding the hands of mentally dangerous, psychotic men who have no business being in charge of a can opener. He must merely choose the lesser of all evils.

Tenpenny [Boisterously]: NONSENSE, JEEVES! THESE MEN ARE LIKE YOU OR I! [Pointing at Jericho]: Him?

Jericho wanders over, nodding.

Jericho: I fucking should be.

Lynch: Frank's my second-in-command, end of.

Jericho: It's not logical, though.

Lynch [Holding out his arms]: Everyone else I have to work with was either ready to be court martialled, or was dishonorably discharged, due to their own incompetence, cowardice or bloodlust. Frank was only discharged due to his alcoholic nature. Now, that is something I like to think that I could fix one day. The insanities and cowardice the rest of you foster, however, is unfixable.

A small silence fills the room, punctuated only by Frank's weeping.

Brick: Y'know, he's got us there.

Jon: This is a fucking outrage!

Lynch [Calmly, turning his head to Jon]: You were found guilty of murder and were very close to being court martialed.

Jon: THAT WAS IN SELF DEFENCE! Fuck this, i'm defecting to a better country!

Jon throws his arms up, grumbling under his breath and stomping over to Tim.

Tim [Nervously]: Yes?

Jon: How do I defect to Britain?

Tim: Can you drink tea?

Jon: Yes.

Tim: How do you feel about the Queen?

Jon [Shrugging]: She's alright.

Tim: Then we'll get you some forms when we get back home, friend!

Another nervous whining rolls out near the middle table. Phil looks down at an old, male hostage, kicking him in the side of the head. The hostage collapses to the side, unconscious.

Phil [Angrily]: ANY OTHER CUNT WANTS TO WHINE, JUST DO SO!!!!!!!

Eligio: Uh, Phil, that wasn't a hostage?

Phil: Then what keeps doing that?!

The whimper sounds again, Phil pulls his silver-plated Colt M1911 from its holster.

Moe: Think you know where it is?

Phil scraps the barrel of his Colt against the table as he walks past it.

Phil [Calmly]: Eeny....meeny...miny..

Phil falls to his knees, pointing his gun under the table.

Phil: DIE!

Nothing. Phil leans back up, looking up at Moe.

Phil: There's nothing here.

Moe: I still hear the whimpers of the damned.

Ivan: Zat's just Bob and Octopus havink sex.

Phil: No, wait, I definitely see something.

Opposite Phil, Vince bangs the top of his head into his, also on all-fours and looking under the table.

Vince: I know what it is.

Phil: That means it isn't good.

Vince [Brightly]: I know what it is!

Moe: It definitely isn't good.

Vince reaches under the table, grabbing something and pulling it forward. Phil squints, noticing a bright yellow cartoon pony with timid blue eyes and a vivid pink mane slowly walks forward.

Phil: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU?!

Pony [Shyly]: ...I'm...Fluttershy...

Phil [Darkly]: Ponies are infecting this place, and I don't like it one bit.

Vince: [Giddily] SQQQQQQQQQQQQUUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

The mercenaries cry in agony, clutching their ears as the squeeing sound, akin to nails being scraped down a blackboard, pierces the air.

Bill [Crying out]: It sounds like a cat being stabbed!!

Vince: AWMAHGAWDAINTSHECUTE?!?!?!?!?!?

Phil slowly gets to his feet, cocking the hammer of his Colt and pressing the barrel against the top of Vince's skull.

Phil [Darkly]: If I eliminate you, ponies stop.

Sal [Calling over]: Do it! We'll vouch for you!

Bill: Yeah!

Vince clasps his hands under Fluttershy, pulling back and getting to his feet, cradling Fluttershy in his arms.

Vince: Don't tell me she doesn't tug on your heartstrings!

Phil points the gun at Fluttershy, pushing the barrel against the side of her head as she whimpers.

Phil: MURDER.

Froth suddenly pours from his mouth, his eyes growing bloodshot as he glares at Fluttershy.

Ivan: Uh oh. Ve've seen zat before!

Phil: BANA OSTERKLIGR HROSS!!!!

Vince pulls a rolled-up newspaper from the back of his belt, holding Fluttershy in his free hand and batting Phil on the nose.

Vince: NO!

Phil [Darkly]: Kill Vince AS A SACRIFICE TO MY GODS OF OLD!

Vince: Uh oh.

Vince screams, dropping Fluttershy as Phil sprints after him. Vince runs up the steps and out of the door at the top, only for Phil to leap the entire distance from the floor, landing at the top of the stairs and charging through the door, leaving a man-shaped hole in it as its hydraulics hiss violently.

Jericho [Watching]: He should've eaten his Weetabix this morning. He always gets like that when he's hungry.

Phil's Voice [Screaming]: SACRIFICE! SACRIFICE! SACRIFICE!

Maurice [Watching]: That lad really needs help.

Fabien [Laughing]: Zis is great! Such great company!

Maurice: Well, that's Vince dead.

Sal: About time! I always said he was going to be the first. I win the pool!

Sal looks around the room, raising his arms and grinning. Frank clears his throat, shaking his head.

Frank [Calling over]: Sorry, buddy, but we all agreed that you can only cash the pool if there's visible proof of death!

Sal whines, lowering his arms.

Tenpenny: You have a death pool?

Lynch: Must've started before I took over.

Frank: It was. We all put a single gold bullion in and hid it somewhere in the Academy grounds. I've got dibs that Sal dies first.

Lynch [Suspiciously]: Where did you get the gold?

Frank: During the Libyan Revolution! While Gaddafi was in hospital, we raided his headquarters and walked out with enough gold to start a new life! Then we had to bury it because Gaddafi recovered and wondered where his stores of gold were. So we put it into a death pool.

Tenpenny [Looking up at Frank]: Gaddafi? Oh, don't tell me you are friendly with that loon whose face looks like a melted marshmallow!!

Frank: He has some good contracts going sometimes. When his private PMC is out somewhere, we're usually called in to guard. He makes us dinners and everything.

Tenpenny [Chewing his pipe irritably]: I loathe that foul little man.

Lynch: Sorry, Winston, but we are mercenaries at the end of the day: Gotta go where the money is. A mercenary with morals ain't a mercenary for very long.

Eligio [Walking past]: I put money on Frank dying first.

Frank: Why me?!

Eligio: Your stench attracts flies and bullets.

Frank [Scoffing]: Seriously, I don't smell that bad.

Lynch: Not now, no, but you used to go days without bathing out on missions, even when there were sources of clean water!

Frank: I saw what hotsprings can do to people. It burnt off Donny's skin!

Lynch [Darkly]: Donny jumped into a fucking geyser, you retard, and we all warned him not to.

Eligio: He did it as a bet.

Maurice: Aye, and we all cashed it in.

Tenpenny [Looking up at Lynch]: So, how long have you guided these souls?

Lynch: Came back a few years ago to guide them. Before that absence, I helped train them, took them on a few missions across the globe to cut their teeth.

Frank: Literally.

Lynch: Bill was pissing me off with his whining, and he got several verbal warnings about it.

From the hole in the door, Phil stomps back in, clutching Vince by the scruff of his neck. He stomps down the stairs and into the middle of the room, throwing Vince to the floor.

Phil: Vince has agreed: I won't sacrifice him, if he stops with the Ponies.

Vince: We've come to a mutual agreement.

Phil throws the dagger on the floor next to Vince's head.

Sal: Couldn't kill him, huh?

Phil: Killing defenceless bairns is never fun.

Sal: I was so close to winning the pool!

Phil points at Sal threateningly.

Phil: Just remember i've got dibs on you dying first, lad.

Raiden walks past them, clutching his directional microphone and sighing.

Raiden: One day, i'll be able to stop listening to peoples heartbeats with a fucking microphone.

Phil: The same day you lose your entire body, aside from part of your head and spine, and become a cyborg ninja doing flippy shit?

Raiden: What?

Phil walks away, whistling innocently. Ivan slaps him around the back of his head.

Ivan: No telling blondie about his doomed future!

Raiden: I don't wanna be a cyborg!

Steve: You didn't hear that.

Raiden: I di--

Steve pulls out his syringe of nanomachines, threateningly depressing the plunger slightly.

Raiden: Alright, I heard nothing.

Bob: Woah, Steve, were you really going to jab him?

Steve [Grinning]: I give him jabbety!

Steve throws the syringe over his shoulder, leaping onto a nearby table and bouncing up and down, waving his arms in the air.

Ivan: Ah, shit.

Sal: Get the rifle! Steve's gone nuts again!

Phil leaps onto the table, wielding two syringes.

Phil: Alright, Steve, medication ti--

Steve kicks Phil in the abdomen, sending him flying backwards off of the table and hitting the ground with a deafening crash.

Lynch: Oh dear.

Sal [Cupping his hands around his mouth]: WE NEED A RIFLE!

Jericho: We've got an Ivan.

Ivan leaps out from behind Jericho, wielding his own nanomachine syringe like a dagger.

Ivan: Ve fight!

Ivan leaps onto the table and Steve screams violently, only for Ivan to overhand jab the syringe between his eyes.

Johan: Uh, Ivan?

Steve's eyes cross as Ivan presses the plunger.

Jon: Oh, fuck, we don't need him to have MORE brain damage!

Bill [Chuckling]: Yeah, any more and he'll make Brick look like Einstein!

Brick [Walking past, picking his nose with the tip of his bowie knife]: Hey! I'll have you know i'm special!

Bill: More like [Sticking his tongue out of his mouth and crossing his eyes] SPESHUL!

Brick growls, pulling his bowie knife down and turning to Bill.

Brick [Darkly]: I'mma gut you like a pig, Southern brother.

Bill [Raising his right arm]: THE SOUTH SHALL KICK YOUR PRETENDING ASS!!

Brick [Angrily]: FUCK YOU! I'M AS SOUTHERN AS YOU!

Billy [Walking over, patting them on the backs]: Lads, lads! You're both as vile as eachother!

Bill and Brick glare daggers at eachother, until Vince slowly walks past them, with waist-length red hair.

Vince: Little Waaaaashuuuu..

Bill [Rubbing his eyes]: I'm really thinking about shooting you.

Sal: Where the fuck did he get that?!

Raiden walks over to Lynch, tapping his left shoulder.

Lynch: What?

Raiden: I found Ames.

Lynch sighs, following Raiden who sets the Microphone and his headset down. Dean wanders over to the table, picking up the microphone.

Dean [Eyes widening]: Sweeeeeeeet.

Dean points at the microphone at Samuel, using his free hand to hastily pull the headset on.

Dean: Hey, Sammy! Say something!

Samuel: No.

Dean turns the microphone to Jericho:

Dean: C'mon, say something!

Jericho: Fuck off.

Dean turns the headset to Billy, who has a practice reed chanter in his hands. He gives it a shrill blast towards the microphone and Dean screams, dropping the microphone and collapsing backwards, clutching his ears.

Dean [Screaming]: FUCKING HELL!!

Billy [Laughing, flicking his chanter into the air]: Knew packin' this thing would come in handy!

Raiden squats beside a man with

Raiden: Ames.

Ames: Who told you about me?

Raiden: Ninja.

Ames: Ninja?

Raiden: Ninja.

Ames: Do you realise how retarded that sounds? That's almost as ridiculous as you becoming a cyborg with a swor--

Jericho clears his throat loudly. Ivan nudged him roughly with his elbow.

Ames: --Just take this thing off of me.



Raiden rips the tape from across Ames eyes, revealing cold blue eyes, with only his left eyebrow intact. Lynch looks at the tape and takes it from Raiden's hands, prying off a strip of hair.



Lynch [Taken aback]: Uh, Ames?



Ames: Ah, fuck it, we both know i'll be dying soon anyway.



Sal [Aside, to Bill]: Y'know, they're getting pretty smart these days.



Bill: Maybe the timewarp is messing with the fourth wall.



Sal: THERE IS NO FOURTH WALL! Isn't that right, reader?



Silence. Brick headlocks Sal, holding him down and looking at the screen, grinning.



Brick: We'll be right back!



Brick dives down to the floor as Sal screams loudly. Lynch looks over before looking back over at Ames.



Ames [Clearing his throat]: I'm Richard Ames.



Raiden: Secret service?



Ames: No, I was sent in by the la-li-lu-le-lo, just like you.



Raiden: What?



The scene cuts randomly to Revolver Ocelot watching Kenan and Kel on a security screen, chuckling to himself. Behind him stand Phil, Steve, Johan, Eligio and Marcos.



Ocelot [Chuckling]: He dropped the screw....IN THE TUNA!



Johan [Calmly]: Sir, the security feed.



Ocelot: Oh, right.



Ocelot taps a few buttons on the feed, turning his attention to a security camera watching Lynch, Raiden and Ames talk amongst eachother.



Eligio: What's he doing?!



Ocelot: Lynch will kill them.



Phil: Really?



Ocelot grins, holding up a syringe full of a clear liquid.



Ocelot: This milky liquid is a strain of FOXDIE I brought back from Shadow Moses. I popped up a small capsule of it into Lynch's rations when he wasn't looking. He'll kill Ames through exposure.



The mercenaries look at the syringe.



Steve: But that syringe's liquid is clear.



Ocelot slowly turns his head, looking up at the syringe.



Ocelot [Shocked]: THEN WHAT THE FUCK DID I PUT ON MY CORNFLA--



Ocelot collapses backwards, splayed out on the floor. Back in the room, Raiden is busy talking to Ames.



Ames: We need to switch to nanocommunications when it comes to talk.



Lynch: No, we don't.



Ames: But, we need to be secret!



Lynch [Darkly]: Talk. Like people.



Ames [Sighing]: Fine. The President was moved to the first floor of Shell Two's core section.



Raiden: Is he still there?



Ames: I don't know, I can't get a response.



Raiden: Has he been killed? With the other hostages? In retaliation to SEAL Ten?



Ames: No, regardless of what they do to other hostages, they won't touch the President.



Raiden: What makes you so sure?



Ames: The case.



Raiden: The nuclear button?



Ames:Right. The case won't do a thing by itself. It's an advanced weapons fail-safe system, and the password is.....the physiological data of the U.S President.



Mercenaries [In unison]: Ooooo!



Lynch turns to them, swiping a hand across his throat. The mercenaries fall silent as Tenpenny takes a drink of tea.



Tenpenny [Humming quietly, glancing up at a nearby security camera]: We're being watched.



Steve's Voice [Through loudspeaker]: Hello, friend!



Tenpenny looks at Jeeves, who simply shakes his head.



Raiden: Physiological data?



Ames: The President's vital signs. Heartbeat, brainwave pattern, blood pressure...constantly monitored and relayed by his internal nanomachines--



Jon [Scoffing]: MORE NANOMACHINES!



Ames: --This information, along with the DNA pattern, serve as a biometric password. Unbreakable. The password entry itself cannot be performed unless.......Well, this is tedious. Let's just say it's unbreakable.



Raiden: Okay? So, the login must be made of the President's own free will?



Ames: Must be confirmed hourly. If a valid confirmation is not forthcoming, the system will automatically cancel the login.



Raiden: So that's why they can't harm the President..



Ames: At least until the bird flies.



Raiden: Is there really a new model of Metal Gear here?



Ames: Absolutely. The Black Case serves as the launch key to Metal Gear as well?



Raiden: Why would they hide a Metal Gear in an offshore plant?



Ames: ...Haven't they told you anything? The entire thing was planned -- the oil spill, the tanker accident that caused it, everything. The Big Shell was built specifically for the development of a new Metal Gear model. The inspection tour was to check its progress...



Raiden: What's going on around here?...



Ames: Wait!



In the security room behind the long window, Phil and Steve have lifted Ocelot's arms, his legs hanging limply.



Phil: Aw, fuck, he's out cold.



A door opens to the left of the room and a tall, looming figure walks forward. With a shock of grey hair just about visible, the rest of his body completely obscured by a thick black cape, the figure cuts an imposing presence as he walks towards the middle of the room.



Steve: Aw, shit.



Eligio [Aside, to Marcos]: Who is that?



Marcos: Solidus Snake.



Eligio's eyes widen. Back in the main room, Raiden snatches his microphone and headset from Dean, putting the headset on and aiming the microphone at the window.



Phil: I swear that this isn't what this looks like.



Solidus: Looks like you've killed him.



Eligio: He's sleeping.



Phil [Whimpering]: Please don't kill us, mister Snake, sir!



Ocelot's eyes suddenly snap open.



Ocelot: I LIVE!!



Steve and Phil scream, jolting back and releasing Ocelot.



Solidus: Look, shut up, I want to talk about Fatman.



Steve: Oh, him? We broke him--



Phil [Grinning]: Literally!



Solidus: He still betrayed us. They're a band of lunatics.



Ocelot: Well, i'll have his background checked, just in case.



Solidus: You think he was working for THEM?



Ocelot: Well, we can't discount the possibility, especially with that intruder still at large.



Solidus: Yes, the man in the Sneaking Suit.



Phil: Yes. Him.



Phil stands beside Solidus, stroking his chin thoughtfully. Solidus turns his head, glaring down at Phil.



Solidus [Calmly]: Look here, you little shit! Get away from me and do your job!



Phil: YOU HAVEN'T PAID ME YET!



Solidus steps forward, a large wad of dollar bills on the floor. Phil whoops, diving on the floor.



Ocelot: They do love money!



Solidus: But, those suits, to get back on topic: FOXHOUND was disbanded four years ago. It must be the Patriots. What about the damage to Shell Two?



Ocelot: The circulation system for the contaminated water has been damaged. The water being drawn in is overflowing and the lower block of the central section is flooding.



Solidus: Seal the connecting pathway between Shells One and Two.



Ocelot: The Semtex and IR sensors are already in place.



Solidus: Any effect on...it?



Ocelot: No.



Eligio: Try some viagra, holmes!



Solidus and Ocelot turn their heads, glaring at Eligio who spins around, whistling innocently.



Solidus: What about the President?



Ocelot: The password entry has already been made to the black case. In one hour we'll need a confirmation from him. His work is done after that.



Solidus: Make sure you keep him alive until then, and what about the unit's activation?



Ocelot: Almost complete. The code has already been input. All we need now is for the girl to start the system.



Solidus: The usual method I assume?



Ocelot: No...the drugs took care of everything...



Solidus : Hmm...only a few more steps to Outer Heaven.



Steve: Yay?



Ocelot: Yay indeed.



From the same door Solidus entered through, enters Olga, wearing her striped top, Gurlukovich camouflage pants attached over her shoulders via suspenders, and heavy block boots, a Makarov pistol tucked into a holster at her waist

Olga: Who is that Ninja, Shalashaska?

Ocelot: I cannot even guess.

Olga [Turning to Solidus]: What about you?

Solidus: I'm having the matter looked into.

Ocelot: Olga, don't carry suspicion where it isn't due.

Olga: Where it isn't do? When you watched my father die and did nothing.

Ocelot: It's been two years ago, Olga. Let it go.

Olga: I have the case file for Shadow Moses, by the way.

Ocelot: Olga, how could you suspect me?

Phil slowly slides into view, grinning brightly. Ocelot and Olga look at him as he quickly slides back out of view.

Olga: I know that the Ninja is not one of my men.

Ocelot [Smirking]: How meaningful you make that sound. Of Sergei were still alive...

Olga [Angrily]: If the old man were still alive I wouldn't need to take orders from you!

Ocelot: Olga, Sergei was my best friend.

Olga suddenly unholsters her Makarov, aiming it between Ocelot's eyes. Ocelot unholsters his revolver, pointing it at Olga.

Olga [Angrily]: If you sell us out, I'll kill you myself!

Ocelot: Don't ever let me see your gun pointed at me again.

Olga: If you wish, I'll put a bullet in your back instead!

Marcos growls, standing behind Olga and casting a shadow over her, folding his arms. Ocelot grins.

Ocelot: I've got a Marcos. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?!

Olga looks over her left shoulder, scoffing and holstering his gun. Ocelot spins his revolver, swiftly holstering it at his waist.

Solidus [Darkly] Enough! I let you both in when no one else would. You think any government would have you two as irregulars in this political climate? The worst kind of wetworks maybe -- but even that's doubtful. I recommend against switching camps. You've nowhere left to go.

Olga scoffs in disgust, spinning around on her heel and storming out of the room. Ocelot steps forward, his right arm twitching violently.

Ocelot: Shit!

Solidus: It's happening again?

Ocelot [Angrily]: This damn right arm -- Liquid! It's almost as if it's having it's revenge.

Solidus: How much do you think we spent on that arm in Lyon? The best transplant surgery team in the world.

Ocelot: I never trust a Frenchman.

Fabien screams violently. Solidus and Ocelot turn their heads to the window as Fabien sprints towards it.

Ocelot: Aww, shit.

Maurice quickly tackles Fabien by his legs, sending him to the floor before he can react. Billy leaps down, elbow-dropping him and pinning him to the floor.

Solidus: Hm.

Solidus turns to Ocelot, who shocks his arm with a small device. His arm twitches, but the shaking stops and he breathes a sigh of relief.

Ocelot: There's something going on. The incidents are becoming more frequent. Maybe that man's presence...

Solidus: Ocelot, I leave this place in your hands. I have the intruder to take care of.

Marcos: Those are some shaky hands.

The mercenaries and mechanics laugh as Ocelot shoots an evil look at Marcos before turning his head to Solidus.

Ocelot: Yes, King.

Solidus turns around, slowly walking out of the room. Ocelot breathes a sigh of relief, turning to the mercenaries and mechanics.

Ocelot: Now THAT was close.

Steve: Triple-crossing?

Ocelot [Grinning]: I TRIPLE-CROSS EVERYONE, BABY!

Back in the main room, Raiden places his microphone and headset on the table. Dean walks over, picking up the headset and putting it on, taking the Microphone and aiming it far to the left, at a toilet.

Johnny's Voice [Distant, groaning]: Oh, my stomach!

Dean sighs, lowering the microphone.

Dean: Johnny's in the toilet again. Complaining about a woman and some bowel movements.

Frank sighs, shaking his head.

Frank: WHY?!

Will: Konami hires shit scriptwriters.

The mercenaries slowly turn their heads to Will.

Will [Shrugging, twisting the end of his moustache]: Well, it's true! This entire plot is basically based off of the idea of insulting the gamer, the person who paid Kojima to be depressed and act as someone who has swallowed a crate of sour grapes, by putting them in the shoes of Raiden, a guy who thinks he's hot stuff but only got his experience from a glorified video game, VR training, and can barely follow in Solid Snake's footsteps! Add in the fact that he uses poop gags for a cheap laugh and you have bad writing!

Frank [Chuckling]: And what kind of absolutely shit writer would use poop gags for a cheap laugh?!

The mercenaries slowly turn their heads, looking at eachother.

Johnny: Oh.

Bill [Gulping]: Well...

Vince: DID SOMEBODY SAY POOP GAG?!

Lynch [Impatiently]: Vince, shut up, we're trying to break the fourth wall.

Vince: POOP GAG!

Robbie: Kill, Lupa.

Robbie unties Lupa's collar and she bounds towards Vince, leaping at him and sinking her jaws into his neck. Vince screams, flailing on the floor.

Vince [Screaming]: SAVE ME! SAVE ME!

Dave: Good work, Lupa.

Robbie: Spill that gutless child's blood.

Lupa growls wildly as Vince cries out, his legs twitching.

Fabien: Intevesting.



Raiden [Shaking his head, turning to Ames]: Is that really Solid Snake?



Ames: That's what he claims.



Raiden: I thought Snake was dead.



Ames: Solid Snake did die. But he's also here in the Shell. Either he survived or there is two of them.



Raiden: Two of them?



Ames: And that's impossible.



Bob's Voice [Angrily, strained]: CAN PEOPLE STOP EXPLAINING PLOT WHILE I'M SCREWING?!



Ames: What did you manage to catch?



Raiden: They said password input was complete..



Ames: I thought so..



Raiden: You said the password entry had to be made by the President willingly?



Ames: Yeah.



Raiden: So that means the President is cooperating with them?



Ames: Yeah, but it wasn't a smart move to betray us....



Sinister music. Lynch looks around.



Lynch [Darkly]: Where the fuck does that come from?



Bob's Voice [Angrily]: SHUT THE FUCK UP!



Ames: We're running out of time. They WILL fire a nuke....You know what you need to do before then.



Raiden: Fire the nuke? But it's nowhere close to the ransom deadline..



Ames: Ransom?



Raiden: Thirty billion dollars in cash..



Ames: What are you babbling about?! The nuclear strike is not a threat, it's been the objective all along!



Short, stunned silence.



Vince: Well, that's just marvellous!



Frank [Hanging his head]: Somedays, I wish we entered a different line of work.



Raiden: They plan to slaughter millions of people?!



Ames: No, a high-altitude detonation. Heard of the Compton Effect?



Vince [Interjecting]: Total disruption of electronic equipment caused by an EMA pulse emanating from the warhead.



Silence. Everyone turns their head to Vince, who now looks smug.



Bill [Darkly]: Shut up.



Ames: Yeah, most electronic equipment will be toast in an instant.



Raiden: If one of the key movers in the world economy stops functioning, it could mean the beginning of a global depression.



Ames: That isn't their aim. They plan to liberate Manhattan, pull it offline, and turn it into some kind of a republic. Hence "Sons of Liberty"



Raiden: "Sons of Liberty"?



Ames: Fuck, Ocelot is coming! Search my pocket, hurry!



Raiden reaches into the left trouser pocket of Ames, pulling out a thin security card.



Ames: It's a security card. Unlocks level three security. Use it to get to Shell Two. Take care of the President before they launch the nuke--Shit! He's coming! Pick up your AK!

Back in the security room, Ocelot turns to the mercenaries.

Ocelot: Right, act cool. Don't give anything away.

Johan: Got it, boss.

Phil: Sure thing, boss.

Ocelot strolls out of the door, flanked by Phil, Steve, Eligio, Marcos and Johan, heading straight for Raiden and Ames as he quickly picks up his AK, his eyes darting around the room.

Raiden [Quickly]: There's no intruder. Honest.

Ocelot [Sighing]: Right, what do you think you're doing?

Ames: I asked him to remove these. I'm ill, you see.

Ocelot: Oh, really? REALLY? Fuck, I always knew the DIA turned out second-rate liars!

Ames: What are you talking about?

Ocelot: No need for denials. You know what you are...Colonel Ames.

Billy: What?

Ocelot: They knew that the President was planning to betray them, so they sent you in to keep tabs on him. Am I right?

Jon [Screaming]: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ASSHOLES ON ABOUT?! CAN WE JUST NOT EXPLAIN THE PLOT IN A WAY THAT MAKES SENSE?!?!?!

Tenpenny: He has got a point, chaps. Even with the riff-raff!

Ames [Angrily]: YOU!

Ocelot unholsters his revolver, pointing it at Ames forehead.

Ocelot: Sorry, Colonel, you failed to carry out your duties.

Ames [Angrily]: YOU'LL NEVER ESCAPE THE LA-LI-LU-LE-LO!!

Ocelot [Cocking the hammer]: Is that so?

The lights suddenly cut out, plunging the entire room into darkness.

Ames: What the hell?!

Steve: I don't like this!

Tim: None of us do!

Crackling Voice: SIERRA. HOTEL. INDIA. ECHO. LIMA. DELTA.

SHIELD.

Eligio: ...Oh boy.

Johnny: This is new and exciting.

Phil: HOLY SHIT!

Generic rock music begins to play as a spotlight shines on the set of stairs to their right: Three men wearing kevlar vests slowly descend down the stairs. Led by a chiselled pale figure with greased dark hair, a gristly jaw, piercing dark eyes and an angered look, and flanked to the left by a towering, dark-skinned figure with large arms, a tribal Samoan tattoo on his left arm and slicked back shoulder-length black hair with a thick goatee, and flanked to the right by a fresh-faced figure with long black hair with a blonde streak in it, his face unshaven.

Steve [Pointing at the pale figure]: DEAN AMBROSE!

Eligio [Pointing at the towering figure]: ROMAN REIGNS!

Brick [Pointing at the fresh-faced figure]: SETH ROLLINS!!

Phil: MY GOD, IT'S THE SHIELD!!!

Steve [Screaming]: THE THREE MEN WHO SWEAR TO DEAL JUSTICE WHEREVER INJUSTICE LIES.........in World Wrestling Entertainment.

Phil: Which begs the question as to why they've appeared in Metal Gear Solid Two.

Dean: Nanomachines and morale boosting. Apparently.

Phil: That's just inconvenient, though. Especially with how they're about to kill Ames.

Dean: What?

Having reached downstairs, Ambrose and Rollins lift Ames, legs-first, onto the shoulders of Reigns, who grips Ames tightly as he stands on the table.

Ocelot: What the...

Reigns: HYARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

Reigns leaps off towards the opposite table, with Ambrose and Rollins grasping the shoulders of Ames and bringing them down. The three men powerbomb Ames clean through the table, killing him instantly as his spine snaps.

Raiden [Taken aback]: OH MY GOD!!

The room falls silent as Reigns get to his feet, letting out a primal war cry and pounding the chest of his combat vest.

Bill: Somebody's been eating their fucking spinach.

Reigns charges at Bill, doubling over and hitting him with a violent Spear to the abdomen, sending him flying down to the ground, screaming and clutching his gut. Reigns get to his feet, flexing his biceps and screaming.

Ocelot: Marcus.

Lynch: Those aren't my guys. I SWEAR, THOSE AREN'T MY GUYS!

Dean Ambrose storms over to Frank, grabbing him by his collar.

Ambrose [Darkly]: Justice. Isn't. Free.

Ambrose shoves Frank away, jogging back towards Reigns and Rollins as the three walk back up the stairs, all three men disappearing out of sight. Frank gulps, rubbing his collar.

Frank [Disturbed]: Wh-what did he mean?!

Ocelot [Rubbing his eyes]: Well, either way, they got rid of one problem. But we have another problem...That soldier you brought in with you...

Jericho swiftly points his Browning between Raiden's eyes. Raiden gasps, stepping back slightly.

Jericho: Give the order and i'll blow his brains out.

Ocelot: That won't be necessary.

Jericho: But do it, just to humour me.

Ocelot: No.

Jericho: Yes.

Ocelot: No.

Jericho: Yes.

Ocelot [Firmly]: No!

Jericho: YES.

Daniel Bryan [Chanting]: YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!

The mercenaries to Daniel Bryan, who swiftly disappears. Ocelot draws his revolver, pointing it between Raiden's eyes.

Ocelot [Darkly]: Just identify yourself, pretty boy.

Raiden: No.

Ocelot reaches forward, grasping the ski mask and wrenching it from Raiden's head. Raiden lowers his head slightly.

Ocelot: So, we meet at last.

Sal [Gasping, pointing at the rafters]: NINJA!!!

Mr. X leaps down from the ceiling, swinging his sword at Ocelot's arm which clutches the revolver. Ocelot jolts back, dodging the blow, and the ninja backflips onto the top of the stairs.

Mr. X: You're all DEAD. Raiden! Hurry! Get away!

Lynch: MEN! GIVE IT YOUR WAR CRY!

Mercenaries [Screaming]: IT'S JUST A FLESH WOUND!!!!!!!!

Lynch [Sighing darkly and looking over his shoulder]: Alright, seriously, STOP CHAFFING LINES FROM MONTY PYTHON!!!!!!!

The Gurlukovich Mercenaries fire repeatedly up at Mr. X, who simply deflects the bullets with his sword as Raiden darts up the stairs. Several of the deflected bullets hit hostages nearby.

Ocelot [Flailing his arms]: OMGZORRO! STOP FIRING! WE NEED THE HOSTAGES ALIVE!!!!! WTFZORZ!!!

Sal [Pointing up at Raiden, Angrily]: FREEZE, CUNT!

Robbie releases the leash of Lupa, getting on one knee beside her and pointing up.

Robbie: Follow the scent. Kill him.

Lupa growls as Mr. X frontflips down to the floor, and Raiden exits the door and into the Shell One Core. Mr. X sweeps forward, raising his katana and cutting the head off of a nearby Gurlukovich Mercenary. Ocelot reels backwards, but Frank leaps onto the back of Mr. X.

Frank: GOTCHA!!

Sal: FUCK IT UP!!

Johnny and Tim run forward, dropkicking Mr. X and sending him reeling backwards. Johan storms forward, grasping the helmet of Mr. X and holding it tightly as Eligio and Marcos rush forward, punching it in the stomach before Bill charges forward from behind, kicking the back of Mr. X's right leg and forcing him off of his feet, pointing down at him.

Bill: LET'S KICK HIM!!!

The mercenaries huddle around the cyborg ninja, violently kicking and stomping on the exoskeleton. After several minutes of kicking and stomping, they form a circle around the exoskeleton. Lynch spits on it and kicks it roughly under the torso, sending it rolling onto its back. Maurice leans down, clicking a few buttons: The visor grows transparent, revealing the unconscious face of Olga Gurlukovich.

Sal: Oh, it's Olga. Still.

Ocelot [Stroking his moustache]: I see. Well, get him.

Eligio: Why?

Ocelot: Just do it.

Silence.

Ocelot: Well?

Jericho: Our pay.

Bob: We need it.

Ocelot: End of the mission. Fifty-thousand. Each--

Lynch [Instantly]: LET'S GET THE--

Vince [Grinning]: BISHIE!

Lynch runs up the stairs, flanked by his mercenaries, Fabien, Winston Tenpenny and Jeeves.

Tenpenny [Pointing forward]: TALLY-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Shells 1-2 Connecting Bridge**

Out on the Shells One-Two Connecting Bridge, Raiden is standing there, clutching a Dragunov sniping rifle which he slowly lowers. Standing several feet in front of the steps leading up to the door back into Strut F, Raiden looks over his shoulder as the door slides open and the mercenaries suddenly appear, adopting various kung-fu stances. Bob quickly hops out behind them, struggling with his zipper.

Bob [Angrily]: I! FUCKING! HATE! YOU! GUYS!

Raiden: ...Oh dear.

The mercenaries rush down the steps. Sal front flips over the orange metal barrier, landing on the orange metal platform.

Sal [Growling angrily, pointing at Raiden]: OI! TWAT! STOP MAKING US RUN AFTER YOU!

Raiden [Gulping]: Uhh...hey..guys..

Lynch: What are you doing here?!

Raiden: I have to go rescue the President!

Silence.

Samuel: Oh. THAT.

Tenpenny [Chortling]: Rescuing the President?! How delightful!

Fabien: Ve better get paid good for zis.

Raiden: But we have a problem!

Frank: A problem?

Will: A PROBLEM?!

Moe: A problem.

Raiden: A PROBLEM!!

Raiden points across the catwalk: Standing at the other end, leaning against a wall near the doorway to Shell 2, is a figure. His head is barely visible, his scalp alight with a shock of white hair, and wrinkles lining his face and forehead. His eyes, barely visible, appear piercing. His entire body, however, is clad in a solid black cape, obscuring the entirety of his body.

Steve: Balls.

Will [Sneering]: Who's the old fogey?

Frank: Who cares?!

Phil: Uh, Frank? That looks like George Sears.

Frank: Who?

Eligio: Don't you know your presidents, ese? George Sears!

Johan: Otherwise known as Solidus Snake.

Silence.

Solidus: No.

Frank [Gulping]: Uh oh.

Solidus: I am not Solidus...

Johan: Yes, you are.

Solidus: No, I am not..

Will: OH YES YOU ARE!!!

Solidus: No, I am not.

Mercenaries [Calling over]: OH YES YOU ARE!!!

Lynch: Then who the FUCK are you?

Solidus: Solid Snake.

Solidus steps forward, nodding rapidly. Frank steps forward.

Frank: No, I'm Solid Snake.

Sal steps beside Frank.

Sal: I'm Solid Snake.

Eligio steps forward.

Eligio: I'm Solid Snake.

Ivan steps forward:

Ivan: ..I'm Solid Snake.

A cardboard box shuffles forward.

Moe's Voice: I'M Solid Snake!

David Hayter steps forward.

David Hayter: I'm Solid Snake.

Silence.

Brick: Dadgummit, that fourth wall is breakin' today.

David Hayter: What? I'm a well-respected voice actor, actor and director! Mother thought you could use the help!

Lynch: How?!

David Hayter: Well, technically speaking, I am Solid Snake.

Steve steps forward.

Steve: No, I am Solid Snake.

Bill steps forward.

Bill: No, I am Solid Snake.

A Kasatka flies overhead. The side door slides open as it hovers to the right of the platform: Pliskin is on one knee, glaring down at the mercenaries with his M4 in his hands.

Pliskin [Angrily]: CAN YOU ASSHOLES STOP IMITATING ME?!?!?!! IT'S THE ONLY THING MORE PATHETIC THAN ACTUALLY BEING ME!!!!!!!! I LIVE ALONE ON A FUCKING ISLAND IN ALASKA, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, AND HAVE TO CART AROUND THIS FUCKING GEEK!! YOU WANT MY LIFE, SOLIDUS?! TAKE IT!! TAKE IT, YOU MECHANOID MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!

Solidus: Brother, a pleasant surprise. Have you taken your anger medication?

Pliskin [Pointing down, Angrily]: YOU'RE A FUCKING FORMER PRESIDENT!!!! HOW HAS NO-ONE RECOGNISED THAT SOLID SNAKE IS NOT AND HAS NEVER BEEN GEORGE FUCKING SEARS?!?!?!?! DIDN'T THEY REALISE SHADOW MOSES TOOK PLACE DURING YOUR FUCKING PRESIDENCY!!!!!!!!! HOW COULD YOU BE SOLID SNAKE?!?!?!?!?!

Otacon: Uh, Snake--

Pliskin turns to Otacon.

Pliskin [Angrily]: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!

Otacon: ..Okay...

Solidus: So you haven't forgotten me.........Snake.

With Pliskin now revealed as Solid Snake, he sweeps his rifle up, aiming it at Solidus.

Snake [Angrily]: Stop using MY FUCKING NAME. It's fucking insulting that nobody recognised a former fucking President walking around with Dead Cell, using my codename.

Solidus: To be fair, there are just two letters--

Snake [Bitterly]: BUT I WAS A HERO! THE HERO OF SHADOW MOSES!! I STOPPED REX, A NUCLEAR THREAT! WHY THE FUCK WOULD I DESTROY A TANKER AND HIJACK ANOTHER NUCLEAR THREAT?!?! HAS NOBODY FIGURED OUT THAT IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE?!?!?

Lynch: Nope.

Raiden [Confused, pointing up at the Kasatka]: What, he's Snake?

Frank: Yes.

Raiden [Slowly pointing at Solidus]: Who is he?

Lynch: Solidus. They're brothers.

Raiden slowly clasps his hands to the side of his head. Solid Snake screams violently, sending down a hail of bullets towards Solidus. One of the bullets collides with the disarmed block of Semtex, detonating it. Solidus shoots forward, leaving a stream of flame behind him that completely incinerates his cape, revealing that he is wearing a full body, black metal exoskeleton that fully fits around his muscles, chiselling and shaping them.

Snake [Screaming wildly]: I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU, BROTHER!!!

Snake fires down more at Solidus. The bullets simply deflect off of the exoskeleton, hitting the ground uselessly. Solidus chuckles.

Solidus: I'm a whole different game from Liquid, brother. [Solidus grasps a pair of nearby railings in each hand, girding his loins]: HNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

The muscles in the exoskeleton around the legs and arms of Solidus grow, bulging out noticeably. The mercenaries and Raiden watch in shocked disbelief.

Eligio: That right there? That's a problem.

Snake fires an underbarrel grenade at Solidus. It detonates with a rough explosion, but Solidus simply leaps onto an orange pipe to his right, landing on it and looking up at the Kasatka.

Solidus: Missed me, brother!

Snake [Angrily]: THEN TRY THIS, FUCKFACE!!

Snake fires another grenade which hits Solidus directly. Solidus is thrown straight off of the pipe, disappearing in a plume of smoke.

Eligio: HAHA! HE GOT HIM!

Raiden: Is this another one of those quick boss battles you talked about?

Johan: That can't have been it.

Tenpenny: Does it matter? WE WIN! TEA ALL AROUND!

Jeeves lets loose an audible sigh.

Sal [Nudging Jeeves]: Hey, you heard the man. Tea!

The roaring sound of an engine fills the air.

Jeeves [Tiredly]: It's been postponed, sirs.

Fabien: Merde.

Phil: What is that?

Jericho: Sounds like...trouble.

Near the Kasatka, the sleak, streamline form of the Harrier, previously stationed on the Heliport, boosts upwards, hovering besides the strut with Solidus on the nose, flexing.

Solidus: TIME TO KILL, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!

Lynch: Ah shite.

Phil [Angrily]: WEREN'T THE POLISH SUPPOSED TO HAVE IT?!

Tenpenny: Oh, bugger.

Brick: Man, I would love to fly that baby!

Will: We sure could use some Poles right about now!

The door opens behind them. The mercenaries look over their shoulders as none other than Piotr Wyrzyk, Captain of the Seventh Polish Squadron, still wearing his jumpsuit, walks behind them, eating a banana.

Wyrzyk [Chewing]: So, that's where we left it.


Mercenaries [In unison, sighing]: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

The scene fades

-COMING SOON: Chapter VIII

Facing down a Harrier, the mercenaries find themselves facing down Vamp and Solidus without the backup of the Polish Seventh Squadron! As the approach to Shell Two is on, and the mission to save THE MOTHERFUCKING PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED MOTHERFUCKING STATES is on, victory is a must: Can the mercenaries destroy the Harrier? Will the Pony cameos ever stop? Will Steve ever not need his medication? And will Dave have more Judaism-related puns? Come back soon to see severed fingers, Dog Launchers, Banjolele and PISS. RUNNING DOWN. YOUR LEG.

EDITORS NOTE:

5,000 viewers! What a way to bring in 2014! I love all of my viewers, and I want to thank you all for your continued support! We're getting 2014 off to a good start, and i'm hoping every month will have an update, and certainly more chapters than 2013.

I love you guys! And girls!


NOTE: I'd highly recommend visiting http://innerhaven.proboards.com/board/18/metal-gear-mercenaries for the latest news and updates regarding the blog.