The scene opens up in Beale Street, with a large lorry parked outside Phil, Jericho, Steve and Ivan’s flat, the sides painted a plain khaki colour. Phil is standing behind the lorry, deep in conversation with the driver who is holding a clipboard. The driver turns around, grasping the back door of the lorry and flinging it upwards, revealing several piles of cardboard boxes. Phil turns to the driver, muttering something as Jericho jogs down the steps, rubbing his eyes.
Jericho [In disbelief]: Phil, what the fuck is this?
Phil [Bluntly]: A truck full of boxes.
Jericho: ……What’s in them?
Phil [Grinning inanely]: POKÉMON BOOSTER PACKS!
Jericho [Sighing darkly]: ……..Sweet. Jesus.
Phil [Grinning brightly]: Jerry, these things go for several hundred pounds on eBay! I’ve got three hundred boxes in here!! WE’RE RICH!!
Jericho rubs his eyes before stomping over to Phil and grabbing the collar of his t-shirt.
Jericho [Angrily]: One, every single fucking time you get a large amount of money, you either get blackmailed into giving it away, you blow it on gambling, or you give it all up. Two, the currency here is dollars, and three….where the fuck did you get them?!
Phil: That’s my own business.
Jericho: It’s my business too.
Phil: Like fuck it is.
A sudden blaring horn stops them as the driver looks up at Phil, shrugging.
Driver: Buddy, do you want these or not? I need you to sign off on them.
Phil: Not anymore.
The driver rolls his eyes, holding his hand out.
Jericho [Snidely]: Oh, you big fucking baby!
Ivan slowly walks down the steps, looking over as Phil slaps eight ten-dollar bills into the drivers hand. The driver takes them, tilting his baseball cap at him respectfully before walking around the lorry, climbing into the drivers seat, firing up the engine and driving down the street. Barely seconds after the first lorry drives off, a second lorry, the box of it emblazoned with the words “Dead Sea Springs Bottled Water”, pulls up beside Phil, Jericho and Ivan. The door to Frank’s flat open and Lynch strolls out, zipping up a pair of desert camouflage pants as he looks ahead, eyes narrowing as the driver climbs out of the lorry, hopping to the sands.
Lynch [Suspicious]: Excuse me, what the fuck is this?
Lynch: I can see that, but what the fuck is it doing here?
Driver: Shipment of water.
Lynch: …Are you retarded?
Driver: Look, I got told to drop it off here, alright? So here it is. Take it or leave it, I don’t give a fuck.
Lynch: We never ordered any water.
Driver [Sighing]: I know, it was meant to reach another contingent of troops. But I….can’t be arsed making the delivery.
Lynch folds his arms, scanning the driver critically as Bill walks out from Beale-Walker Square, eyeing the lorry.
Bill: …What the hell is this?
Phil, Jericho and Ivan walk around the lorry.
Lynch: Free water, apparently.
Bill [Quietly]: I don’t like this, partner..
Lynch: Bill, you’re always paranoid, so shut your damn mouth.
Bill: No, really, this is suspicious.
Driver: Look, take it or leave it. I don’t care.
Lynch: ….Should we?
Jericho [Shrugging]: Well..it is free.
Lynch: Alright, unpack it.
Lynch [Folding his arms]: We ain’t doing the work. We’ll take this as a gift, which means we’ll watch you work.
Lynch [Loudly]: NOW, PEASANT.
The driver grumbles violently, walking around the back of the lorry and grasping the sliding door, throwing it up and opening up the back, climbing in. Lynch walks backwards, sitting on the bottom step outside his flat before turning his head to the right, watching as Sal walks over.
Sal: Hey guys.
Lynch: What are you doing here?
Sal: I heard the word “Free” and made my way over!
Phil: And yet you have the money to buy several hundred lorries of water?!
Sal [Scathingly]: Silence, peasant. I enjoy free stuff.
Lynch: Whatever…Yeah, lorry full of water. Meant for another unit or something, ends up here instead. Jackpot, fellas.
Dean and Samuel walk around from behind the lorry.
Lynch [Angrily]: Jesus, you stingy bastards! The moment something free makes itself available, you guys just can’t help yourselves!
Samuel: It’s not our fault we’re thinking as businessmen.
Jericho [Scathingly]: You sell grease-ridden poison to people. Don’t kid yourselves.
Samuel [Scoffing]: We don’t sell ‘grease-ridden poison’!
Jericho: Y’know Steve’s back in our flat projectile vomiting like a bastard, right?!
The driver drags a few boxes out, moving them around the right-hand side of the lorry where the mercenaries are. Steve suddenly stumbles out from behind the lorry, his skin paler than usual and his cheery complexion now replaced by what appears to be an expression indicating his desire to vomit at any given moment.
Steve [Groaning]: …Hey….
Phil: Well, look what the cat dragged outside!
Steve: …My intestines feel owie..
Dean: There’s nothing wrong with our food!!
Sal [Bluntly]: Aside from it being unfit for human consumption.
Dean: And yet people still eat it!
Steve twists around, vomiting noisily onto the floor. The driver wrinkles his nose, dragging a crate around the puddle of vomit.
Lynch [Sarcastically]: Wow, you are pure class.
Steve; Stomach pain! Stomach pain! Stomach pain!
Dean: Alright, now you’re just overreacting!!
Jon and Brick walk out from the Dog and Handgun, looking over at the lorry.
Jon: Hey guys.
Lynch [Angrily[: More people looking for free water?!!
Jon: ….Really? We thought we were having a meeting, but free shit? WE’LL TAKE IT!!
Lynch [Scathingly]: You parasitic bastards! All of you!
The driver drags out the final two boxes, turning to Lynch and giving a small nod.
Driver: ….That’s all of it.
Lynch narrows his eyes.
Lynch: Seven boxes?
The driver slowly nods.
Bill: I’ll check, shall I?
Driver [Sighing]: …Alright, fine!
Dean and Samuel walk over to one of the crates, each man squatting down on different sides and pulling it up, slowly walking towards the Kebaborama. Jericho looks at Steve, who looks weakly at Jericho before doubling over and vomiting again.
Phil: Wow, Jerry, you’re so ugly you made Steve vomit.
Jericho [Bluntly]: You’re so ugly that you make blind children cry.
Phil: …Man, that’s harsh.
Phil squats down near another box, lifting it as Jericho jogs over, helping him lift the box. Steve follows, stumbling as he does as they move the box around the lorry as Lynch watches.
Lynch: And there go the stingy bastards. We won’t see hide nor hair of them for several days now.
Sal: You’ll see mine—
Lynch [Deeply sarcastic]: BRILLIANT! Just what I wanted!
Sal: You’re not very nice, you know that?
Lynch [Venomously]: It’s not my fault that you make me want to vomit.
The driver drags around the final two crates, looking at Lynch.
Driver: That’s all of them. That’s it. Can I PLEASE go now?!
Lynch: Yeah, whatever. Move. Go.
The driver sighs, mumbling under his breath as he climbs into the cab once more, slamming the door shut and firing up the engine with a satisfying roar. The lorry rumbles before driving off down Beale Street, vanishing in the cloud of sand it kicks up. Dave walks out from behind Lynch, jogging down the steps and scanning the boxes.
Dave [Grinning]: BOOZE?!
Lynch: No, it’s water.
Dave [Inanely]: ….BOOZE?!
Lynch [Darkly]: NO. WATER.
Dave: ……………….Free water?
Lynch: Free water.
Dave [Happily]: FREE WATER!!!
Dave runs to one of the boxes and tears the lid off with his bare hands, reaching in and grasping one of the containers, tearing off the seal and tilting his head back, gulping down mouthfuls of cold water. Lynch curses quietly, jogging down the steps and grasps the container, wrenching it violently from Dave’s grasp.
Lynch [Angrily]: YOU GREEDY FUCK! THIS WATER’S FOR EVERYONE!!! EVERYONE!!
Sal: So, can I take some back to the mansion?
Lynch: Sure, whatever.
Sal leans into one of the boxes, pulling out one of the containers of water and wrapping his arms around it, whistling innocently as he walks down the street.
Jon [Scoffing]: He’s really going to trek home with that thing?!
Lynch: Fucking weirdo..
Jon: That he is. That he is. Oi, Brick, help me move one of these, will ya?
Brick: Couldn’t we just,y’know, leave a bottle outside when it rains?
Jon stands still, holding out his arms with his palms facing to the sky.
Jon [Sarcastically]: Yeah, because I can just feel the fuckin’ rain cascading down, can’t I? Oh, wait, I forgot, [Angrily] WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING DESERT!!!
Brick [Shrugging]: …Might rain.
Jon [Bluntly]: On exceedingly rare occasions, occasions as rare as you succumbing to an actual intelligent thought process. Now chop chop.
Frank walks out from the flat, scratching his scalp and Jon and Brick squat down, hauling up one of the boxes and beginning to carry it towards the Dog and Handgun.
Frank: I don’t like it.
Lynch: Don’t like what, exactly?!
Frank: Non-alcoholic beverages. FREE non-alcoholic beverages.
Lynch: Gee, I thought I’d get them so you could have a fucking shower for once, you greasy piece of shit.
Frank: Man, that’s harsh.
Dave [Smirking]: But very, very true.
*Frank, Will, Lynch, Bob, Robbie and Dave’s House*
Back in the flat, all six men are crowded around one of the water containers, set upon the small wooden kitchen counter beside the sink unit, with an odd aura of glee surrounding them, despite the fact that they have running water already installed in the flat. Robbie narrows his eyes, his head leaning forward as he examines the water which lets out a small wave of air bubbles ominously.
Robbie: I think it senses our fear.
Lynch: It's water: It senses Frank's fear.
Frank [Sighing]: Lynch, the joke's so old that Jesus told it to his disciples..Just give it a rest, will you? It's not funny anymore!
Bob [Chuckling]: Nope, it still is.
The mercenaries remain there, still staring at the container.
Dave: So, whose going to bite the bullet and take the first drink?
Lynch slowly turns his head to Dave, narrowing his eyes.
Lynch: You already drank some of it..
Dave: Oh yeah....Mmmmmm..water..
Bob: You first, Lynch..
Lynch walks over to the container, kneeling down and opening the counters door, pulling out a glass and leaning up, tipping the container back and tearing off a small piece of the paper cap, tilting the container forward slightly and pouring some into his held glass. Lynch tips the container back, turning around and taking a drink before smacking his lips before wincing.
Lynch [Bitterly]: …Can see why it was free. Quite bitter.
Frank: How the fuck is water bitter?!
Will: Maybe you’re just smelling Frank while drinking it?
Will snatches the glass from Lynch and takes a quick gulp from the glass, his right eye twitching.
Will [Hissing through his teeth]: Nope, that’s definitely odd!
Robbie: Looks like there are molecules floating in the glass.
Will narrows his eyes, looking into the glass.
Will: The psycho’s right…..Ewwww, washback! UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!
Will tips the water down the sink as Lynch examines the container, smacking his lips.
Lynch: Yep. Somethings in there.
Dave: Something that would make it taste bitter? Like..nanomachines?
Lynch, Will, Frank, Dave and Robbie suddenly burst out in spontaneous laughter.
Robbie: Why are we laughing?
Dave: I don’t know!!
Will: Maybe because….because…NANOMACHINES!!!
Frank [Cackling]: BITTER NANOMACHINES?!?!?!? AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! IT TASTES LIKE A HALLUCINOGENIC SUBSTANCE!!
The laughter suddenly stops. Lynch narrows his eyes, looking at Frank.
Lynch: What the fuck did you just say?
Frank [Calmly]: ….Tastes like a hallucinogen.
Lynch: And what, pray tell, does a hallucinogen taste like?
Frank: Well, a new hallucinogen. I was part of some free drug trials in the academy. Netted me some extra pay. Hallucinogens taste bitter. Psycho suppressants taste like ice cream. Prozac that tastes like fudge—All academy-sponsored shit, y’know.
Lynch suddenly pales, slowly placing a hand over his mouth.
Lynch [Shocked]: Are you saying--!!
Dave [Shocked]: We’ve been DRUGGED?!
Frank [Shrugging]: I dunno.
Dave [Screaming]: WE’VE BEEN DRUGGED!!!!!!!!!!
Lynch [In despair]: DRUGGED?!??!!??!
Will: I’m high? Well, there goes sixteen years of abstaining from hard drugs down the shitter.
Lynch slowly turns his head to Will, who gives a nonchalant shrug.
Frank: Well, what now?
Bob [Darkly]: …I have absolutely no goddamn idea.
Dave suddenly blinks, spinning around and narrowing his eyes.
Dave: TEDDY BEAR.
Lynch, Frank, Bob and Will turn around, watching as Dave advances on a medium-sized teddy bear sitting in front of the door, a hunting knife clutching in its paw, it’s button eyes staring towards them.
Teddy Bear: I NEED YOUR BLOOD!
Will, Lynch and Frank slowly step back.
Lynch [Bluntly]: Aw shit.
Frank: That’s ten thousand times more scarier than a normal PMC advancing on us with a knife!!
The Teddy Bear begins to shuffle forward on its rear as Dave reaches into the back of his leather belt, pulling out a Bowie Knife and licking the flat of the blade.
Dave [Angrily]: YOUR BLOOD WILL DECORATE THESE WALLS!
Frank: Dammit, Dave, I just decorated too!
Dave: No you haven’t. Paint hasn’t touched this place since the Crusades!
Teddy Bear: YOUR END IS NOW!
Dave [Glaring]: I WILL STICK YOU, SON.
Teddy Bear: Not unless I stick you first.
Dave lunges forward, stabbing the knife between the teddy bear’s eyes, pushing forward with the knife and pinning the bear to the ground.
Dave: DIE, BITCH!!! DIE!!!
Lynch [Inanely]: What in the fuck—Fuck..Lightheaded..feel sick…fuck..What the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?
Frank: Man, does anyone else feel…weird?
Lynch [Gulping]: Well, Dave’s stabbing a teddy bear.
Dave [Cackling]: DIE DIE FUCKING DIE!!
Dave throws the knife aside, the teddy bear laying motionless on the floor, a pool of blood spreading beneath its head. Dave jolts up to his feet, raising his arms.
Robbie: ..Are teddy bears supposed to bleed?
Dave: Who cares?
Dave continues the stabbing the bear as Lynch doubles over and retches nothing but dry heaves.
Lynch [Retching slightly]: ..The fucking water…drugged…FUCK!
Frank: I WARNED YEH!!!! NON-ALCOHOLIC LIQUID’S ARE THE DEVILS SPAWN!!!
Lynch: Shut up, rummy. We..We need to check on the others...Fuck…..how did it affect us so quick?!
Frank: You don’t know the Academy, friend.
Lynch [Angrily]: I’M A FUCKING COACH THERE!!
Bob: Look, we really need to find the others..
Frank: I’m sure they’re fine. Besides, if anything happens, we’re all here.
Bob: You guys do realise Sal took a container home, right?
Lynch slowly raises his head.
Lynch [In enraged despair]: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!
*Sal, Billy and Vince’s Mansion*
In the mansion, Billy is sat inside his favourite red leather chair, reading a newspaper as Sal sets up the water container inside the water cooler behind the red leather chair to the right of a wooden door. Vince is busy watching, arms folded.
Vince: We have a perfectly good tap, Sal.
Sal [Laughing]: BUT IT'S FREE!!!
Vince: You could buy a goddamn fleet of trucks containing water..so you only got this..because it was FREE?!
Vince [Bluntly]: You're an idiot sometimes.
Sal: Whatever. Time to taste sweet, free, cool water!
Sal grasps a plastic cup from a holder to the side of the coler, holding it under the blue nozzle and lifting it, allowing the water to pour into the cup. Sal pulls it away, downing the entire contents of the cup in one gulp before gasping.
Sal: That's some...BITTER SHIT!!
Sal retches, throwing the cup to the floor.
Sal [Coughing]: NO WONDER IT WAS FUCKING FREE!!
Vince: so you--
Sal takes another cup, pouring himself more water and draining the entire cup in one gulp before burping.
Sal [Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand]: Pretty good the second time, actually.
Vince [Shaking his head]: ................I will never understand you.
Vince walks forward, narrowing his eyes.
Vince: ...Dude, this container has floaters in it.
Sal's mobile vibrates in the pocket of his jeans as Vince shrugs, pouring himself a cup of water. Sal answers the phone.
Lynch's Voice: Sal?!
Sal: A-hah! Greetings, old bean! What can I do for you?
Lynch's Voice: .....Yeeeaaaahhh..Look, don't drink the water.
Sal's face pales slightly.
Sal: Why not?
Lynch's Voice [Sighing]: ....It's been drugged.
Sal's face falls. Vince raises an eyebrow, taking another drink of water.
Vince: Mmm, slightly bitter.
Sal swipes his hand across his throat and Vince stops, swilling the water in his cheeks before swallowing.
Lynch's Voice: ...You've drank it, haven't you?
Sal [Shrieking]: YES!!!!
Billy looks over his shoulder as Sal looks at Vince, horrified.
Lynch's Voice: Well, you're fucked. Better get down to Beale Street ASAP and hunker down in the Lamb and Flag. That's what we'll be doing til this shit wears off.
Sal [Desperately]: ARE YOU SURE?!
Lynch's Voice: For fu--YES!!!!
Lynch hangs up and Sal drops the phone to the floor with a thud.
Billy: Wow, yeh look like crap.
Vince: What's wrong?
Sal [Shrieking]: THE WATERS BEEN DRUGGED!!!!!!!
Vince's jaw drops as he drops his cup to the floor, water splashing over Sal's white socks.
Vince [Shocked]: WHAT?!
Sal [Shrieking]: DRUGGED WATER!!! DRUGGED WATER!!!
Billy [Calmly]: Told yeh guys it was bad business.
Vince [Screaming]: ARE WE FUCKED?!?!??!?! ARE WE FUCKING FUCKED?!?!?!
Sal [Sobbing]: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!
Billy yawns, ruffling his newspaper slightly.
Sal [Screaming]: EVERYBODYYYYY SCRRREEEAAAAAMMMMMMMMMM!!!!
Billy [Bluntly]: No.
Sal [Sadly]: Okay.
Vince [Inanely]: BILLYAREYOUALRIGHTISEVERYTHINGALRIGHTHOWYADOINGBROSKI?!
Billy sighs, folding his newspaper and tucking it under his right arm before arching his back, using the momentum to push himself to his feet. Sal hops on the spot.
Sal [Rocking backwards and forwards]: BILLY!!! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Billy: Fer a shite.
Sal: But Billy! This is bad juju, man! REAL BAD JUJU!
Billy: Tha bad juju can hold while I go fer a shite.
Vince scratches his forearm roughly, glaring at it.
Vince: Tooooooo muuuuuuuch skiiiiiiinnnnnn..
Billy grabs his hand, stopping him from scratching his arm.
Billy [Impatiently]: Stop that.
Sal: ....I feel odd.
Billy: Fuck it. I'm going fer a shite. You two try not ta kill eachother, alrigh'? If yeh've been drugged, just...stay here, alrigh'?
Vince: I like you, giant haggis!
Billy takes a few steps away from Vince who makes a grabbing motion with his hands.
Billy [Raising an eyebrow]: I might be back down later ta smack yeh.
Billy twists around, whistling to himself as he walks towards a wooden door behind his chair, wrenching it open and sliding into the darkness before slamming it shut behind him. The mansion falls silent, punctuated only by Billy's deep, rumbling rendition of "Flower of Scotland". Sal turns to Vince, looking uneasily at him.
Sal: Bad juju haunts this place...BAD. JUJU.
Vince: I know, right?....Even when i'm high, Billy's singing still chills my bowels--
Sal: NOT THAT, YOU NINCOMPOOP!!!!!!!!..I sense foreboding...
Vince: Bad foreboding?
Sal: You mean there's such a thing as good foreboding?
Vince: ...Well, there might be.
A sudden silence fills the air.
Sal [Drawn out groan]: Foooooooooreeeeeeeeeboooooooooddddddiiiiiiiinnnnggggggg..
Vince [Shrieking]: I DON'T LIKE THIS!!
The handle on the large metal doors creaks violently, slamming with a rough crash. Vince yelps, leaping up and into Sal's arms.
Vince [Screaming]: SAVE ME, SAL!! SAVE ME!!
Sal [Screaming]: NO! SAVE ME, VINCE!
Vince [Suddenly blunt]: No, Sal, you save ME.
Sal [Darkly]: Nooo. YOU. SAVE. M--
Billy's Voice [Angrily]: WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP DOWN THERE?!
Sal and Vince [Loudly]: SORRYYYYY!!!
Sal and Vince suddenly fall silent, turning their heads towards the wall-length window to the left of the door. A blurred figure appears, pressing its hands against the glass.
Hissing Voice: Helloooooo..
Sal and Vince let out a high-pitched scream as the door creaks open roughly, before suddenly stopping.
Hissing Voice: Can't..open..this..fucking..thing..
Vince hops out of Sal's arms, and Sal quickly pushes Vince forward, twisting around and diving forward into his fireplace, pulling charred logs over his body.
Sal [Inanely]: FIGHT HIM TO THE DEATH, VINCE! I WILL REWARD YOU IN HEAVEN!
Vince watches as the figure pushes forward, the door creaking a few inches before the figure sidles around, revealing the familiar headband, blonde spiked hair and orange-and-black jumpsuit:
Vince: OH MY FUCKING GOD, IT'S NARUTO.
Billys Voice [Angrily]: I'M TRYING TAH HAVE A SHITE UP HERE!!! SHUT UP!!!
Vince [Determined]: WHAT THIS, MOTHERFUCKER.
Vince rushes forward, locking his hands around Naruto's neck and squeezing as hard as he can, watching the pale face start to turn a vibrant crimson.
Sal: Go on, Vince! Kick his teeth in!
Vince flies backwards, slamming into the wall beside the fireplace with a thunderous crash.
Vince [In pain]: SON OF A HOKAGE!!
Sal: Kick HIS teeth in, you weeaboo fuck!--LOOK OUT! KUNAI!
A pointed dagger with a circular handle whistles through the air, embedding roughly in the mortar between bricks directly next to Vince's head. Vince squeaks before gulping, narrowing his eyes at Naruto.
Vince: Bring it!
Vince rushes forward, only for several clones of Naruto to appear.
Naruto: SHADOW CLONE JUTSU!!
Vince [Bluntly]: Goddammit.
The clones around the room make the same "Bring it" motion as Sal pokes his head out from the fireplace, rubbing his eyes.
Sal: JESUS! That's some strong shit they drugged us with!
Vince [Desperately]: SAL! HELP!
Sal crawls out from the fireplace, pulling himself to his feet.
Sal [Sticking out his tongue]: BLAH!!
Sal raises his arms, hands open and fingers formed into claws with his teeth bared. The clones remain in place as Sal shrugs.
Sal: Well, I tried.
Sal gets onto his hands and knees, crawling back into the fireplace while grasping an iron fire poker, laying on his back and holding it straight upwards.
Vince: Fine, i'll do this the--
One of the Naruto's rushes forward, punching Vince in the face.
Sal: VINCE! THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE CHIMNEY WITH ME!
Vince stumbles back against the brick wall before squinting, lunging forward and swiping a right fist at the Naruto that punched him, his fist connecting with teeth as the Naruto stumbles backwards, the clones disappearing.
Vince [Grinning]: I SEE YOU!!
Naruto: SEXY NO--
Vince runs forward, slamming his foot upwards into Naruto's crotch. He doubles over, letting out a high-pitched squeal before Vince begins to wind his arm in a circle, winding up a huge punch.
Vince [Angrily]: KISS YOUR NON-EXISTENT HALLUCINATION ASS GOODBYE!!!
A violent, wet, slopping sound fills the air, causing Vince to stop winding his arm and turn around to the fireplace: Sal is laying there, now slick with crimson blood as a figure is laid halfway down the firepoker chest-first, skewered upon it. Sal lets out a small whimper, slowly turning his blood-soaked head and looking at Vince.
Sal [Retching]: ....I've got blood on my new shirt..
Vince: You have enough to buy fifty million new shirts!
Sal: But this one has animu blood on it!
Vince: Shit, who?
Sal looks upwards.
Sal: It's got red hair, eyeliner, and it's wearing something on its back, something which I think is leaking sand.
Sal spits out a mouthful of thick, scarlet, grainy liquid.
Sal: I can confirm it's sand!
Vince: Dude, you just skewered Gaara!
Sal: BEHIND YOU!
Vince twists around, watching as Naruto charges at him. Vince swiftly sidesteps, slapping his palm roughly against the back of Naruto's head, causing his momentum to gain slightly. Naruto jams his feet into the floor, but Sal quickly holds the fire poker out at an upwards angle, causing Naruto to impale himself chest-first onto the poker, on top of Gaara.
Vince [Wincing]: DAMN!
Sal [Bluntly]: Damn that's nasty.
Sal drops the poker, causing both bodies to hit the floor with lifeless thuds as he crawls out of the fireplace, spitting out bloody soot onto the floor, looking at Vince.
Vince: Wow, you look like shit!
Sal: I just killed two people.
Vince: Well done.
Sal blinks, rubbing his palms across his face, smearing in the soot and blood.
Sal: ....Fuck! What about the others?!
Vince: What do you mean??
Sal [Shrieking]: THE OTHERS, MAN!! WHO KNOWS WHAT ABOMINABLE POP CULTURE REFERENCES THEY'LL BE FIGHTING!!!!
Vince [Pumped]: ALRIGHT!
Vince [Grinning]: LET'S GO AND KILL SOME POP CULTURE HALLUCINATIONS!!!
Sal [Energetically]: ALRIGHT!!
Sal walks past Vince, slapping his back and wrapping an arm around his shoulders as both men slide out of the door, grasping the handle and pulling it shut with a resounding crash.
Billy's Voice [Sighing calmly]: About fecking time.
Out in Beale Street, things remain relatively quiet, despite news about the drugging of the water containers presumably beginning to spread. Phil and Jericho are sat on the top step outside their flat, plastic cups crumpled and thrown into the sands below it as Jericho clasps his hands together, sighing.
Jericho: Drugged. Perfect.
Phil: Yep. We're high.
Jericho scratches his ear, slapping something off of his left shoulder.
Jericho: Go away..
Phil: Now would be a good time to explore the desert, mate.
Jericho: Phil, according to Lynch, we may have just ingested military-grade hallucinogens. Now is not a good time to scour the desert.
Phil [Shrugging]: On the plus side..Steve's on his feet.
Steve bounds out of the open door behind Jericho and Phil, jolting forward and front-flipping over them, rolling through at the bottom of the steps onto his feet.
Steve: I'M AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jericho slaps his shoulder again.
Jericho: Stop it, alright?
Phil squints and opens his eyes in rapid succession three times. Jericho looks at him, raising an eyebrow.
Jericho: Phil, what are you seeing?
Phil: I see……sunlight. Why?
Jericho: You mean you can’t see Emilie?
Phil looks at Jericho edgily.
Phil [Straight-faced]: No, but there’s a leprechaun on your shoulder.
Leprachaun: Hello thar, stranger!
Jericho looks down at the leprechaun on his left shoulder which disappears in a rainbow-coloured fizzle.
Jericho: Uh oh. Lynch was telling the truth.
Phil: That's always a bad sign, isn't it?
Jericho: Yep. Good thing Ivan never drank the water. HEY! IVAN!
Ivan's Voice: VAT?!
Jericho: GET OUT HERE!!
Ivan slams the door behind them, the sound of a lock clicking following shortly after.
Phil [Bitterly]: Asshole.
Lynch kicks his door open, storming out of his house and pointing over at Jericho and Phil.
Lynch [Yelling]: HAVE YOU TWO SEEN ANYTHING YET?!
Phil: Just a leprechaun, Lynch!
Lynch [Sighing]: ....God-fucking-dammit.
Will suddenly rushes outside, rubbing his eyes and scratching his shoulders.
Will: I NEED TO GET AWAY!!!
Jericho: Let him!
Suddenly, Will is tackled to the ground by what appears to be a giant Durex condom wrapper that shines in the sun. Lynch stands there, dumbfounded as he slowly rubs his eyes.
Lynch: Alright, what am I seeing and why are we sharing hallucinations?
Will screams violently, rolling onto his back.
Condom Wrapper [Booming voice]: WILL STUDLIN!! I HAVE FINALLY COME FOR YOU!!
Will: Well, i'd never come IN you.
Jericho coughs. Phil gives a small clap, shrugging.
Phil: Give the boy credit, he tried.
Will wrestles with the pocket, both of them wrestling up to a vertical base as Will grasps the top of the pocket, crumpling it inwards as if trying to throttle it.
Will: Damn you, giant condom! Let go of me!
Condom [Booming voice]: I’M SICK OF YOU NOT USING ME!!
Will [Angrily]: I’LL TEAR YOU IN HALF, YOU BASTARD!!
Lynch: What the fuck What the fuck What the fuck???!!!
Lynch quickly shakes his head, taking a deep breath and tilting his head back, feeling his brain wrinkle and strain as the hallucinogens begin to take effect. Lynch reaches inside the doorway, pulling out an old AK47 with a stained wooden butt and pulling back the slide, loading the magazine and aiming it at the wrapper.
Lynch: WILL! GET DOWN!
Will punches the condom packet in the rough area of its midriff, causing it to flutter downwards. Will pumps his fists in the air.
Will [Laughing inanely]: WOOHOO! Hallucinations zero, Will one! HA! SEE?! I AM USEFUL!!
Lynch holds the trigger down, emptying the entire magazine into the condom wrapper whose surface explodes in bloody bullet holes. Will jolts backwards, his legs twitching slightly as the magazine empties, causing Lynch to set the AK-47 back behind the door as a large pool of blood spreads out from underneath the condom wrapper, the sun reflecting in the crimson puddle.
Lynch: Beautiful. If it bleeds, we can kill it.
Bob walks out from behind Lynch, carrying a Glock in his right hand.
Bob: Well, i'm ready.
Lynch: Good man, Bob, fighting?
Bob jogs down the steps, kneeling down on the street and putting the Glock to his head.
Lynch [Shocked]: JESUS!
Will [Scathingly]: Does a day go by without you trying to get attention in stupid ways?!
Lynch runs down the steps, grasping the barrel of the Glock and wrenching it upwards as Bob struggles violently.
Lynch: GIVE! ME! THE! GUN!
Bob [Hysterically]: NO! I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT GIANT CONDOM WRAPPERS AND LEPRECHAUNS!! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS BANAL SHIT!! ENOUGH!!
Jericho [Sighing, to Phil]: Phil, do you ever think it'll get better?
Phil: Nope, never...but then I remember that I used to live in England and realise being in this sweltering hellhole was a blessed relief.
Jericho: ....Yeah, me too. Manchester's fucking shit, man.
Phil [Chuckling]: Whatever, I was referring to the South of England that made it shit. Nothing wrong up north.
Jericho [Muttering]: Aside from the high crime rate..
Phil: Riiiiiiiiiiight, because London is so much safer, what with people getting a free stabbed kidney with every visit.
Lynch [Impatiently]: LET! GO! NOW!
Lynch uses his free hand to grasp Bob's fingers, prying them back away from the grip and pulling the Glock from his grasp, looking down at Bob and breathing heavily.
Bob [Scathingly]: God, I hate you.
Lynch: Yeah, well, stop being a dramatic pussy. We'll get through this. After all, how long can we be high for?
The mercenaries turn their heads, watching as Bill begins to run up the street, carrying a Bowie Knife with its blade glinting, slicked in blood.
Jericho [Chuckling]: Oh shit, here comes the cavalry.
Bill [Calling out]: Men! We have problems!
Lynch: We know, redneck.
Bill: Then you know that i've just had to put down Clifford the Big Red Dog?
Lynch: Ye--Wait, what?!
Bill slowly nods.
Lynch [Hysterically]: YOU STABBED CLIFFORD?!
Bill [In disbelief]: HE TRIED TO EAT ME!!!
Jericho: Have I ever said that I fucking hate pop culture?!?!??!?!
Phil: Hang on, these are just hallucinations.
Bill: Yeah, and?
Phil [Blinking]: Can’t we hallucinate ourselves some powers??
Jericho: Are you serious? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?!
Phil [Shrugging]: Yep.
Bill: What if we’ve been drugged with, like, some high-tech super drug??!
Bob: It's possible.
Lynch: Well, I ain’t drinking more of it to find out.
Lynch walks over to Bill, who turns around and looks down the street. Lynch simply stands there, looking at Bill before looking down the street. Phil and Jericho look at eachother before walking down the steps, both men walking over to and standing beside Bill. Bob sighs, getting to his feet and walking beside Bill, looking down the street shortly before being joined by Dave and Robbie. Dave gives a small sigh, scratching his stomach as Jericho scratches his left ear.
Bill: It's too quiet, partners.
The line of mercenaries remains silent, only punctuated by the sound of feet pattering off of the sands before Steve stands beside Phil, looking down the street.
Steve: Was sick, drank water, Ivan kicked me out.
Robbie [Sighing]: So, we've all been drugged?
The line of mercenaries leans forward, turning their heads to look at Robbie who simply stands there, straightfaced.
Lynch [Angrily]: ...Even after the fuss I made..You drank..the fucking..WATER?!
Robbie: I want to kill without the risk that I may feel the slightest pang of apathy.
Bob [Bluntly]: You have problems.
Robbie [Calmly]: Any minute gone without blood on my hands is a problem to me.
The mercenaries stand back up straight, looking down the street once more.
Dave: Can someone tell me why we’re just standing in a straight line doing fuck all but looking down the street?
The line of mercenaries fall silent, which is only punctuated by Jericho’s stomach rumbling.
Jericho: Anyone else got the munchies?
Ivan: Shouldn’t ve go to Tavi?
Bill [Inanely]: SUPER DRUG.
Dave: No, seriously, what are we waiting for?
Bill narrows his eyes, taking a few steps forward.
Lynch [Hastily]: What is it, redneck? What do you see?!?!
Bill: ..I don’t know.
Jericho: Probably another pop culture reference.
Steve gives a shaky breath, shaking his hands.
Steve [Shakily]: HOSTILITY!
Bill: I sense great evil, partners. Great evil.
The sound of doors crashing open fills the air as none other than Tavi strolls out of the Lamb and Flag, looking at the mercenaries and giving a small wave.
Lynch: What is that thing?
Phil [Calmly]: That voice…it’s Tavi.
Robbie: What does she wan--
Tavi curses loudly, ducking back into the Lamb and Flag and slamming the door shut, the sounds of bolts locking filling the air.
Dave [Shakily]: Huh, where’d she go?..Why'd she leave so fast?...what does she KNOW?!
The line of mercenaries spin around on its heels, looking around towards the Northern end of Beale Street.
Lynch: I don’t see anything.
Bill: I SENSE EVIL.
Jericho: There’s nothing here.
Dave: It’s too quiet..
The mercenaries slowly lower their heads, looking down towards the floor mere feet away from them. A small pony, it’s skin a pale pink and hair an even more vibrant pink, its eyes a cold, pale blue, looks up at them, eyes fluttering.
Lynch [Bluntly]: Wat.
Bill [Smiling]: …..DAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! AIN’T IT CUTE?!?!?!
Bill jogs towards the pony, arms spread.
Jericho [Loudly]: BILL, GET AWAY FROM IT.
Lynch: Bill, what are you doing?!
Bill [Angrily]: I WANT TO HUG PONY.
Robbie: Permission to shoot the redneck?!
Robbie grins brightly, and Lynch reaches into the holster at his hip, pulling out his Beretta and aiming it at Bill’s head.
Lynch [Angrily]: STOP OR I’LL SHOOT!!!
Bill stops suddenly, looking over his shoulder.
Bill: Woah! C’mon guys! It’s harmless!
The pony tilts its head.
Jericho: I say we shoot it to confirm our safety.
Lynch [Nodding]: Permission granted.
Jericho reaches into inside his trenchcoat, pulling out his Browning L9A1 and cocking the hammer, aiming it towards the pony and firing. The bullet explodes from the barrel, slamming between the ponies front legs and causing a plume of sand to shoot upwards into the ponies face. The pony gives a feminine, wheezing cough, stumbling backwards.
Phil: Wow, that was SHIT!
Jericho [Bitterly]: I’m high! Don’t expect me to shoot straight!
The pony giggles cruelly, causing Bill to step backwards.
Bill: I don’t like that.
Jericho [Taken aback]: WHAT ARE YOU?!?!?!
Pony [Beaming]: Pinkamena Diane Pie! ^.^
Bill: It’s using emoticons, permission to kill?
Lynch [Hastily]: PERMISSION GRANTED! OPEN FIRE!
Jericho pulls the trigger, once again shooting at the ground in front of Pinkie Pie.
Steve [Giggling]: Missed! Missed!
Dave: Goddammit, Jerry! Maybe you should stop fucking trying!
Pinkie Pie [Beaming]: ...You shouldn’t have done that. <3
Jericho [Gulping]: Piss and bollocks.
Pinkie Pie: I want your eyes.
Jericho: Well, you can’t have them.
Pinkie Pie [Suddenly hissing ferally]: I wasn’t asking.
Jericho: …..Hoo boy.
Lynch [Angrily]: WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, SHOO—
Lynch is suddenly tackled to the ground by Sal, who quickly kneels over him, pulling his head back and holding a knife to his throat.
Sal [Frothing at the mouth]: I’MSEEINGSHITTHATIDONTLIKEDIDYOUDRUGMEYOUPSYCHOTICFUCK?!?!
Lynch [Darkly]: Sal. Get off me.
Sal looks to his right at the other mercenaries.
Sal: Hey guys.
Dave [Angrily]: What do you want?!?
Sal: Been drugged.
Dave: Join the club.
Sal [Hastily]: ………..Oh. DAVE! BEHIND YOU!
Dave: …What is it? A demon? A unicorn?
Sal: Worse: A CHRISTIAN!!!
Dave spins around, coming face to face with Denver Bronco’s quarterback Tim Tebow. Dave does a double-take, raising an eyebrow.
Dave [Sneering]: What the fuck are you supposed to be?
Tebow: John Three-Sixteen, friend.
Dave: Oh, a Christian, eh? I bet you’re like a wet fucking noodle—
Tebow slams a right hook into Dave’s jaw, sending him spinning around and spitting a tooth onto the floor.
Tebow: Taking the Lord’s name in vain? That’s a-pounding.
Dave falls to his knees.
Dave [Growling]: POUND THIS, BIBLE BOY!
Dave twists around, only for Tebow to slam his knee upwards into Dave's jaw.
Dave [In pain]: FUCK!!
Dave collapses backwards, splayed on the sands.
Lynch: Gentlemen. Prepare the battle music.
Bob: But we have no--
Bob is suddenly tackled to the floor by a knife-wielding clown, causing Bob to scream wildly.
Bob [Screeching]: NO! NOT CLOWNS! I FUCKING HATE CLOWNS!
Clown: And we hate you too..BOB.
Lynch [Angrily]: HEY! THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO HURT BOB IS ME!
Something grabs Lynch's shoulders, spinning him around: Glittering in the sunlight in his bare-chested angular-jawed glory is none other than Edward Cullen. Lynch hisses, taking a few steps back.
Lynch [Hissing, recoiling]: IT BURNS THE EYES!!
Cullen: Yes, that's right. Look at this. See this?
Cullen bounces his right pectoral muscle.
Cullen [Smirking]: That is--
Lynch lunges his forehead, cracking Cullen in the nose with his forehead. Cullen stumbles backwards as Lynch grasps his vest, pulling it off and throwing it to the side.
Lynch [Grinning]: LET'S RUMBLE, GENTLEMEN!!!
Sal runs up to Cullen, kicking him roughly in his right knee.
Lynch [Angrily]: HEY! HE'S MINE! GET YOUR OWN PUNCHING BAG!
Jericho: Well, we have company.
Jericho pulls out his Browning L9A1 pistol from inside his trenchcoat once more and aims it down the street, walking forward and firing at what appears to be Harry Potter. Bill looks down at Pinkie Pie, grinning.
Bill [Smiling]: Now I can hug it and pet it and squeeze it and call it George!
Robbie twists around, getting punched in the face by a random guy wearing a Three Wolf Moon t-shirt. Robbie stumbles backwards, glaring at the man.
Robbie: THAT'S NOT A FUCKING MEME! IT'S A FUCKING T-SHIRT!
Guy: But it has wolves on it.
Robbie grabs the guy by the collar, headbutting him roughly in the nose before pulling open his Kriegsmarine jacket, reaching in and pulling out a Nazi Officers knife with an "SS" engraved onto the blade. Bob kicks the clown off of him, who stumbles backwards into Robbie who ends up stumbling forward before twisting around.
Robbie [Angrily]: DAMMIT, BOB! WATCH OUT!
Bob: Well, get out of the way, dammit!
Robbie twists around, tackling the guy down to the street as Bob runs forward, leaping onto the clowns back and wrapping both arms around his neck, locking in a Sleeper Hold. Phil and Steve have since moved to the side of the street, sitting cross-legged in the sands as they watch Pinkie Pie uses her hooves to repeatedly lift and slam Bill's head onto the concrete.
Phil: This shit is so..fucking weird.
Steve: We've seen weirder!
Phil: Not recently. Suppose it makes a change to things, really. Used to have so many cameos and shit that you got used to the random acts of weird violence that can break out at anytime...stopped getting used to it, though.
Steve: Do we fight?
Phil: No, Steve, we sit back and we watch.
They watch as Sal runs forward, slapping Tebow roughly in the face. Tebow growls, grabbing Sal around the neck and lifting him into the air as Sal chokes, his feet lashing out at Tebow's chest.
Sal [Whimpering]: NO! GOD PREACHES FORGIVENESS!
Tebow: An eye for an eye...and the whole world goes blind..
Tebow lowers Sal slightly, his head lowered in deep thought. Sal grins brightly.
Sal [Grinning insanely]: Yes, that's right, but unfortunately for you, I have a different god: COLD, HARD CASH!
Sal reaches into his pocket, pulling out a silver dollar and flicking it with his thumb. The coin bounces off of Tebow's forehead weakly, causing Sal's face to fall.
Sal: Dammit, I didn't think that one through.
Tebow slams Sal roughly into the ground, dusting off his hands and grabbing Jericho, twisting him around. Jericho quickly slams the butt of his L9A1 into Tebow's forehead before pushing him backwards into Lynch, who turns around, grabs Tebow's shoulders and twists him around, punching him roughly in the jaw and sending him collapsing into the sands.
Steve [Beaming]: VIOLENCE!
Phil: Yes, violence. Such a--
A razor blade suddenly embeds itself in the ground in front of Phil's legs. Phil narrows his eyes, slowly looking up.
Phil [Deathly quiet]: My arch-nemesis is here..
Steve: WHAT IS IT?!
Phil [Bitterly]: .......The razor.
Phil looks in front of him at a giant yellow Bic Safety Razor, hopping around facing him. Phil grasps his beard, stroking it before getting to his feet.
Phil: I must go, Steve. Go and face my destiny.
Jericho [Calling out]: GET A SHAVE!
Phil screams wildly, running forward and jumping forward, tackling the razor to the floor by its handle, pulling back on it in an attempt to snap it in half. Lynch turns around, raising an eyebrow.
Lynch: Phil, maybe it's a sign!
Cullen: EXCUSE M--
Lynch turns around, locking his hands around Cullen's throat and forcing him backwards into the wall beside ReLoaded's door, swinging a knee up into his abdomen as Bill lays on the floor motionless with Pinkie Pie sitting on his back, smiling sweetly.
Pinkie Pie: More! More!
Bill [Groaning]: Hfnnnggmmmmffgggfffff..
Pinkie Pie: Excuse me? o.o
Bill [Groaning quietly]: I can't...feel...my face..
Pinkie Pie: Silly! You're not supposed to feel it!
Sal rolls onto his stomach, pushing himself up and stumbling around, looking down at Pinkie Pie.
Sal: A TALKING PINK PONY?!
Bob stumbles over, still with his arms around the clowns neck.
Bob: Sal, can you stab this guy?
Sal: I could, but then i'd get blood on my shirt.
Robbie: Alright, hold on.
Robbie slams his foot roughly into the random mans face before turning around, walking over to Bob who pulls violently to the right, twisting him around. The clown turns to Robbie, who lunges forward, sticking his knife into the clowns chest, pushing it in roughly and twisting it slightly. Robbie gives a sadistic grin as Bob hops off of the clown who falls backwards, hitting the ground with a squeak of his nose as Robbie pulls out his knife, causing a small plume of blood to squirt into the air from the punctured arteries.
Bob: Cheers Robbie.
Sal: See? You can all work as a team! [Whistling shrilly] BILL! GET UP AND FIGHT THAT PONY!
Phil: Sal, are you actually doing something other than providing encouragement?!
Sal: Phil, I want to see less talking and more razor snapping!
Phil gets up to his knees, reaching into the back of his jeans and pulling out a hatchet, swinging it down twice into the middle of the safety razor, oddly causing blood to pour out and puddle underneath it. Phil gets to his feet, pointing at Sal.
Phil: I'm going to cut you now.
Sal: Phil, it has your leg.
Phil looks down at Pinkie Pie who is now locked around his leg. Phil screams wildly, hobbling quickly down the street as Sal claps his hands together, turning around and noticing Tim Tebow on one knee, his elbow rested on his outstretched knee with his head in his hand.
Sal [Pointing at Tebow]: HE’S TEBOWING! BREAK HIS LEGS!
Robbie: With pleasure.
Robbie runs forward with his knife, only for Tebow to launch himself forward and tackle Robbie to the ground. Bob quickly rushes over, tackling Tebow off of Robbie and slamming the point of his elbow down into Tebow's mouth, pushing it down roughly.
Bob [Angrily]: EAT IT! EAT IT!
Dave: Damn, looks like Bob found his balls.
Tebow lunges upwards, headbutting Bob and causing him to stumble backwards.
Dave: So much for that.
Jericho drags Harry Potter towards the middle of the street in a headlock, pressing down on the back of his right leg and forcing him onto his knees, pressing his L9A1 against the back of his skull and pulling the trigger, causing Potter's skull to erupt, a giant hole blown in his forehead spattering blood, brains, bone and mucus onto the sands. Jericho pushes the body to the floor, looking up at Dave and nodding. Dave simply narrows his eyes, pointing down at his leather boots.
Dave: Thanks, asshole.
Jericho [Darkly]: Cry me a river, blondie.
The door to the Kebaborama opens and Dean walks out, drinking from a bottle filled with the contaminated water, looking around at the mercenaries engaged in close combat with Praying Mantis PMC's, who appear bewildered, but confident in dispatching of the drugged mercenaries in close quarter combat. Dean blinks, watching as Jericho and Dave turn to one PMC, both of them slamming a fist roughly into his forehead and sending the PMC stumbling backwards. Dave shakes his hand.
Dave: Fuck! Clowns have hard heads, don't they?
Dean: What the hell are you talking about? Clowns?
Dave turns to Dean.
Dave: Heeeyyyyy! Finally decided to join the fight, eh?
Dean [Clapping his hands together] ...Yeah, whatever. I heard shit about clowns and ponies, and I wanted in. What's it about?
Dave blinks, watching as Dean takes another drink. Dean looks at Dave uneasily.
Dave: You'll find out soon enough.
Samuel appears behind Dean, slapping a hand on his right shoulder.
Samuel: We have a problem..
Dean: Can't it wait?!
Samuel: Not really: Karab's gone, man.
Dave [Gasping]: KARAB'S DEAD?!
Samuel: NO! He's lost his mind.
Seemingly on cue, Karab pushes Dean and Samuel aside, wearing a flowing scarlet robe with the sleeves tucked into eachother as he walks forward, head held to the sky. between his arms, held to his chest, is a baseball bat with the handle of a metal pail ran through the top section of the bat, attaching it to the shaft to make an even more dangerous and unorthadox weapon.
Karab: Inglip, give me a captcha and command me!
Dean [Taken aback]: What the fuck?
Samuel: Inglip. It's a popular internet meme based around the idea of a God named "Inglip" who commands his minions, known as "Gropegas", through captcha security systems.
Dean slowly turns his head, looking at Samuel and raising an eyebrow.
Dean [Scathingly]: You know the most fucking useless information, you know that?
Samuel: What? I have an encyclopedic brain.
Dean rolls his eyes, both of them watching as Karab walks amongst the carnage, raising his arms to the sky.
Samuel and Dean blink rapidly.
Dean [Scoffing]: ….Good God, he has lost it.
Samuel: And how!
Karab: Come unto me, Inglip, and give me knowledge!
Dean [Bluntly]: Allah’s gonna be real pissed when he sees what Karab dabbles with on the side.
Samuel [Rubbing his eyes]: Internet memes?
Dean takes another drink from the bottle before looking at Samuel.
Dean: …Do you feel different?
Samuel: Yeah, I do. I think something or someone has contaminated the water supply.
Dean: Good, then what I’m about to say won’t disturb you.
Samuel: And what is it you wanted to say?
Dean [Yelping]: TIM TEBOW!!
Dean points across Samuel’s body at Tim Tebow to his left. Samuel turns around as Tebow holds a Bible into the air.
Samuel [Hissing violently]: OH GOD! IT BURNS!! KEEP IT AWAY!! KEEP IT AWAY!!
Tebow: Repent, sinners, and the Lord shall surely grant you a place in heaven!
Dean [Crying]: NO! STOP!
Dean falls to his knees, clutching the sides of his head as Tebow opens the Bible.
Tebow: Now to read a passage from Corinthians..
Dean [Sobbing]: KILL US, PLEASE!!
Jon's Voice [Angrily]: NO-ONE RECITES BIBLE PASSAGES ON JON MANGUEL’S WATCH!!
Jon suddenly bursts out of the Dog and Handgun, wielding a USP pistol in one hand and a metal saucepan in the other. Charging towards Tebow, Jon slams the pan down violently onto Tebow’s head with a crack, sending him collapsing to the ground unconscious.
Dean: Thanks!! THANK YOU!!
Jon: Everyone gets one.
Sal: JON! WATCH OUT!
Jon stumbles back, glaring at his knee which is bleeding.
Jon [Angrily, in pain]: FUCK!! MY KNEE!!!
Jon looks down, pulling aside the folds of his jeans to reveal an arrow sticking out of his flesh.
Jon [Screaming]: SON OF A BITCH, HE’S GOING TO MAKE ME SAY IT!!!
Sal [grinning brightly]: Hey, Jon.
Jon shoots an evil glare at Sal.
Jon [Hissing]: …Yes?!
Sal: I used to be an adventurer like you, but then—
Jon aims his USP between Sal’s eyes.
Jon [Hissing ferally]: Finish that meme and I will blow your brains all over the fucking street.
Jericho jogs past them.
Jericho: Have you heard of them Praying Mantis PMC’s? They’ve got curved swords!
Jon [Angrily, aiming his USP at Jericho]: YOU SON OF A—
Jon looks over his shoulder, watching as a PMC wielding a curved sword runs after Jericho, screaming in Farsi.
Jericho: CURVED. SWORDS.
Jericho spins around, pulling a roughly two-foot long section of metal pipe from his trenchcoat and wielding it like a bat, grinning.
Jon: Wow, real smart.
Jericho: Why thank you, Jon—
Jon [Bitterly]: I was being sarcastic, ya limey fuck.
Jericho holds the pipe at an angle, blocking a downward swipe from the sword.
Jericho [Yelping]: DON'T JUST STAND THERE, JON! HELP ME!
The PMC kicks Jericho away, turning to Jon and laughing, swinging his sword in rhythmic circles around his body to showcase his swordsmanship, only for Jon to aim his gun at the PMC's chest and pull the trigger, causing him to fall to the ground dead and the "Indiana Jones" theme to start playing.
Jon: What the fuck's with the music?!
Jericho laughs, clapping his hands.
Jericho [Laughing]: Regular Indiana Jones, ain'tcha?
Dean watches as Karab walks forward, arms outspread, before sighing and slapping Samuel's back.
Dean: C'mon, we better save Karab before he does something stupid.
Phil limps forward, his right leg now covered in bloody bandages.
Phil [grunting]: Stupid fucking ponies..fucking biting my legs..
Samuel: Phil, what's up?
Phil glares at Samuel, pointing at his leg, then over at the wall next to the Lamb and Flags door which has a bloody smear on it.
Samuel: What? You ran into a wall leg-first?
Phil: What do you mean?
Phil turns around, looking at the wall.
Phil [Angrily]: AW PISS!! SHE'S STILL ALIVE?!?!? I KICKED HER FUCKING HEAD IN!!
Phil scratches his head in frustration as Samuel shakes his head.
Samuel: Alright then..
Steve watches as the man in the Three Wolf Moon shirt runs towards him, pointing at him.
Guy: The wolves on this shirt will allow me to summon their power!
Steve blinks, slamming his fist forward. Steve's fist goes straight through the mans forehead, cracking out of the back of his skull to reveal a pair of spiked brass knuckles on his fist. Sal stumbles backwards, yelping.
Sal [Disgusted]: Fucking hell, Steve!
Steve [Whimpering]: He got blood on my shirt!
Sal [Clapping his hands together]: ALRIGHT MEN! TAKE A PAGE OUT OF STEVE'S BOOK! I WANT TO SEE DEATH!!!
Bill suddenly skids across the floor on his back past Sal, pointing at him.
Bill [Screaming]: IF IT WASN'T FOR THESE PONIES, I'D STAB YOUR THROAT MYSELF!
Phil looks over at the area where Bill was, and where Karab is suddenly standing, his eyes widening.
Phil [Hastily]: ..KARAB! LOOK OUT!
Dean: Like so--WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!
Dean points downwards at a new pony that has appeared, inches away from Karab's feet. Karab stops, looking down at the small cartoon pony with yellow skin and pink hair, her eyelashes fluttering as she looks down nervously. Karab slowly looks down at the pony.
Karab [Bluntly]: I see cuteness.
Phil [Waving his arms]: NO! KARAB! AVERT THINE GAZE!
Karab: What are you?
The pony rubs her paw against the sand as Karab's right eye twitches, his hand dropping the pailbat.
Karab [Hissing]: NO! NOT THIS WAY!
Fluttershy [Timidly]: ...I'm....Fluttershy...
Karab [Growling]: IN THE NAME OF INGLIP, NO!!
Karab's hand automatically stretches forward as Karab slams his feet into the ground, trying to stop his arm from moving forward.
Karab [Growing angrier]: I! WILL! NOT! STROKE! THAT! FUCKING! PONY!
Bob: Dude, that is so gay.
Karab [Bluntly]: Behind you.
Bob turns around, only for an octopus to latch onto his face. Bob screams wildly, tearing at it and rolling on the floor as he does. Fluttershy gives a shy whimper, forcing Karab to automatically pull down his hood.
Karab: Wait, what?!
Fluttershy: What's.......your name?.....
Karab: MY NAME IS KARAB TEVANY, AND I WAS A GURKHA, DAMMIT!!!!!
Fluttershy [Quietly]: Gherkin?
Karab's arm suddenly stops as his right eye twitches violently.
Dean: Oh fuck. [Cupping hands around his mouth] EVERYBODY! GET DOWN!
Everybody suddenly dives down to the ground as Karab lets out an earth-shattering angered primal scream, grasping his pailbat from the ground and chasing after Fluttershy who gves a terrified scream, turning around and running away as Karab, foaming at the mouth, chases after her.
Samuel [Laughing]: I didn't know he could snap!
The fighting suddenly continues as Dean and Samuel turn around. Jacob Black advances on Samuel, who simply grasps his shoulders and headbutts him roughly in the jaw. Steve suddenly appears on the roof of ReLoaded, diving off of it and onto a clown, tackling it to the ground as Phil and Pinkie Pie circle eachother, with Phil now clutching a hatchet in his hand.
Phil: I’ll cut you, bitch!
Pinkie Pie: Curses aren’t nice. ):
Phil: …I totally shouldn’t be able to see that emoticon, but—Fuck it, I’ll cut your teeth out and hang them on my wall above my bed!
Pinkie Pie: Are you always so violent? o.o
Phil: …Hang on.
Phil turns around, walking over to the clown and raising the hatchet high above his head, sweeping it down and embedding it into the top of the clowns skull with a vicious cracking sound before pulling it out, kicking the clown down to the sands before turning around to Pinkie Pie, clutching the blood-stained hatchet.
Phil [Shrugging]: Yep.
Pinkie Pie: What did I ever do to you?? T^T
Phil: I’m gonna fucking cut you and watch your blood spill like Black Cherry Kool-Aid!
Dean: You do realise she’s stalled you, right?
Phil slowly raises his head.
Phil [Bluntly]: Wat.
Phil turns around, coming face-to-face with Rock Lee. Phil raises an eyebrow, only for Rock Lee to slam a leg upwards into Phil’s crotch.
Phil [Choking wildly]: BABASHUNABIT!!!!
Phil falls to his knees, clutching his crotch before Rock Lee slams his foot into the side of his head, knocking him down to the ground. Dean runs through, leaping through the air and tackling Rock Lee to the ground with a flying clothesline, sending both of them rolling across the sands. Lynch turns around, running a hand over his scalp as he watches his mercenaries, giving a dark sigh.
Lynch: I seriously want an explanation after this shit.
Cullen: You’ll get one later.
Lynch slowly turns around, cracking his knuckles.
Lynch: Leave me alone, sparkly boy!
Cullen: You’re just jealous that I sell more merchandise in a day than you will in your entire life!
Lynch: OH YEAH?!
Cullen [Cackling]: YEAH!!
Lynch jolts his head forward quickly, slamming his forehead into Cullen’s nose and splitting it open like a ripe tomato, sending him stumbling backwards, screaming like a schoolgirl.
Lynch [Triumphantly]: WELL, YOU’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO FUCKING HEADBUTT LIKE ME IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE!!!!
Lynch turns around, watching as Pinkie Pie clops over to Phil, pressing her hooves just below his eyes, lightly prodding his right eye with one of her hooves.
Pinkie Pie: Yes, these will do for my collection. ^_^.
Pinkie Pie presses her right front hoof into Phil’s right eye, causing him to scream violently and flail his arms.
Phil [Screaming]: THIS IS WORSE THAN WATCHING GAME OF THRONES!!!
Pinkie Pie: Hold still, struggling just makes the pain worse!!
Phil [Determined]: NEVER!!!
Jericho runs over, grasping the pony in a headlock and dragging her off of Phil, who leaps to his feet, twisting to the right only to be headbutted by Tim Tebow. Dave runs over, pulling Tebow away in a Sleeper Hold.
Dave: Fucking Christians! What next, Jesus?!
Dave drags Tebow away, tightening his grip around his neck.
Tebow: Now, this isn’t nice!
Jericho [Struggling]: AT LEAST YOU ONLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH TEBOW!!! LOOK WHAT I HAVE TO CONTEND WITH!!
Jericho is on the ground, his wrists and ankles bound with tarred rope.
Dave [In utter disbelief]: Wha—How the fuck did that happen?!
Jericho [Crying out]: I DON’T KNOW!! IT JUST DID!! LYNCH!! SAVE ME!!
Lynch looks down at Jericho, only for Edward Cullen to leap onto his back, tackling him to the floor.
Tebow [Bitterly]: Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain!!
Dave: Right, first things first—
Dave locks an arm tightly around Tebow’s shoulders, locking his other arm around his head before pulling the two separate ways roughly, snapping his neck before throwing his lifeless corpse to the ground and walking over to Phil, holding a hand out. Phil grasps his hand and Dave pulls him to his feet.
Phil: Cheers Dave.
Dave: Don’t mention it, weakling.
Phil [Taken aback]: …Oh, fuck me, you snapped his neck?!
Phil: What is wrong with you, man?
Dave: Hey, it pulled your fat from the fryer!
Sal suddenly points up to the sky, his jaw dropping.
Sal: OH MY GOD, GIANT EAGLE!!
A giant eagle flaps its wings, coming over the buildings to their right and twisting its head, looking down at them with an evil glint in its eye.
Dave [Calmly]: Hit the dirt, gentlemen.
Every single occupant in Beale Street quickly dives to the ground as the eagle lifts its left wing, spraying the street with gunfire akin to that being fired from a gatling gun. The bullets chip the ground and the buildings to their left, spraying them with mortar dust and sand. Ultimately, the eagle flaps its wings, twisting left and flying away, presumably to make another fly-by later. Sal lifts his head, looking over his shoulder.
Sal [Laughing in sheer disbelief]: What the FUCK is going on here?!
*Lamb and Flag*
In the Lamb and Flag, Dick and Maurice are standing behind the bar, remaining silent and listening intently to the brutal war being fought outside. Tavi draws the netting over the window to the right of the doors, turning to the bar and wiping her brow, giving a deep sigh. Moe waddles out from the kitchen, his arms holding one of the containers which he sets on the floor beside the bar before giving a small huff, grasping one of the bar stools and pulling himself up.
Dick: …….So, what’s going on?
Tavi: I don’t know. None of them even moved when that Blackhawk made a fly-by. They’re fighting hand-to-hand out there too, and they keep screaming gibberish.
Dick: ….Gibberish like?
Tavi [Sighing]: Giant eagles, pink ponies, Tim Tebow, vampires, werewolves..That kind of stuff.
Dick: I see.
Tavi: …Does that not even phase you?!
Dick [Calmly]: Lady, I’m having a conversation with an anthropomorphic sugar glider, I’ve seen everything.
Moe: Guys, there’s a reason I dragged the water out.
Tavi: C’mon Dick, you can’t have seen everything, it’s fucking nuts out there!
Dick: What? It’s hand-to-hand fighting, maybe they had a few beers?
Tavi turns her head, watching through the netting as Bob runs past the window.
Bob [Screaming]: NO!!! KEEP AWAY FROM ME, BARNEY, YOU EVIL FUCKING DINOSAUR!!!
A Praying Mantis PMC slowly walks past the window, rolling his eyes and shaking his head before aiming down his Mk. 23 Assault Rifle and firing a few shots at Bob.
Maurice [Angrily]: OI! PAY ATTENTION TO THA LITTLE LAD!!
Tavi snaps her head to Maurice, glaring at him before looking down at Moe, who points towards the canister of water.
Moe: We got a delivery this morning of free water.
Dick slowly looks down at Moe, grasping the bar and vaulting over the right-hand side of it, kneeling down behind the bottle and tearing the seal off. He tilts his head down, pressing his nose to the hole and takes a deep sniff before slowly raising his head.
Dick: …The water has been contaminated.
Tavi blinks, looking at Dick.
Dick nods, setting the bottle down.
Dick: Hallucinogen. I have no idea what it is, but there is a high dose in there. They’ll be feeling sick when they come down..Violently sick. Shouldn’t necessarily kill them, but you may have to stand by for dehydration and the like.
Tavi: And you knew that by it’s smell?
Dick [Proudly]: My dear, I have been in this business for around twenty years, you pick up a thing or two about illegal narcotics.
Tavi: I’m impressed.
Dick [Bluntly]: So you should be.
Tavi: …How do we deal with this, then?
Dick: Why the fuck are you asking me? All I know is that they’re hallucinating. That explains why they’re seeing weird things and fighting like animals out there for once.
Moe: …Tranquilize them. Put them to sleep.
Tavi: ….Hmm…we do have a few boxes of tranquilizers in ReLoaded..would have to make them count, though..
Moe: Although wait until they’ve killed most of the PMC’s out there. You don’t want to leave them helpless, after all.
Tavi: But it’s a massacre out there!
Maurice [Shrugging]: Ain’t no morals in war, love. Kill or be killed.
Tavi sighs, looking out of the window and cracking her knuckles.
Outside, the hallucinogen-fuelled war between the mercenaries and the PMC's rages on, with the mercenaries experiencing the full effects of the hallucinations as the bewildered, yet confident, PMC's engage in close quarters fighting with their adversaries in an attempt to demolish the mercenary stronghold in Beale and Walker Street. Dean is currently wrestling with a werewolf, presumably Jacob Black whom blindsided Samuel earlier, while Samuel watches, a Colt Navy Revolver in his hand as he carefully follows the man's head with it.
Dean [Choking]: SAMMY! JUST TAKE THE SHOT AND SHOOT THE SHIRT-LIFTING BASTARD!
Samuel: Well, maybe if you kept Jacob still!
Dean [Angrily]: I CAN'T KEEP THE BASTARD STILL! SHOOT HIM BEFORE HE BITES ME AND TURNS ME INTO A HAIRLESS PANSY!
Karab walks by, arms tucked into his robe with the pailbat clutched to his body.
Samuel [Desperately]: KARAB! LITTLE HELP!
Karab walks by, ignoring them.
Karab: I ignore you non-Inglip worshipping heathens!
Samuel [Angrily]: GODDAMMIT! STOP WORSHIPPING SHIT INTERNET MEMES AND HELP!
Karab [Inanely, shoving his index fingers into his ears]: I CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALALALALALALALAA!!
Sal stumbles past, wrestling with Rebecca Black as Bill stands off to the side, his eyes narrowed at Pinkie Pie who is now directly next to a wall. Bill jabs forward with his bowie knife and she whimpers, causing Bill to grin.
Bill: That's right...fear me..
Pinkie Pie: I don't fear you: I fear your stinky breath! Pee-ewwww!!
Bill narrows his eyes even more.
Bill [Venomously]: Look here, you little shit, I've killed way bigger things than you.
Pinkie Pie: And?
Bill throws his knife up, catching the flat of the blade between his thumb and forefinger before throwing it forward. The knife slices through the air, embedding itself in the chest of Rebecca Black.
Sal [Angrily]: Dammit Bill! That was my kill--[Laughing] OH MY GOD, I RHYMED! SOMEONE HIGH-FIVE ME!
Sal raises his hand, looking around and grinning. Lynch stumbles over, Cullen's hands wrapped tightly around his throat.
Lynch: I'LL KILL YOU WHEN I'M DONE WITH PRINCESS SPARKLES HERE!!
Sal lowers his hand.
Sal [Pouting]: ..Awwwwwww..
Samuel pulls the trigger and Dean stumbles back, clutching a wound on his shoulder which is now pouring blood down his right arm.
Dean [Angrily]: YOU FUCKING RETARD!
Samuel: I told you to hold him still.
Dean pulls his hand away, revealing a wound that is busy spurting a waterfall of hot blood down his right arm, staining his white shirt a crimson color.
Dean [Screaming in agony]: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Samuel: Something tells me that hurts.
Dean [scathingly]: JESUS, WHAT GAVE IT AWAY?! THE BLOOD OR MY ANGUISHED CRIES?!?!?!?
Jacob grasps Deans shoulders as he yelps, but Samuel aims, closing his left eye.
Dean [Angrily]: FOR FUCKS SAKE, SHOOT!!
Samuel: Alright, alright...Hold on..
Samuel pulls the trigger a second time, shooting the werewolf between the eyes and causing him to collapse into a pile of dust. Dean grins, slowly falling forward face-first onto the concrete. Samuel walks over, tapping the top of Dean's head with his shoe.
Dean [Grunting]: Nnnnnnn.
Samuel: I got him, Dean! I got Jacob Black!
Samuel: What was that?
Samuel [Scoffing]: That's not very nice.
The doors to the Lamb and Flag suddenly burst open as Tavi quickly jogs out, eager to avoid the fighting and to head into ReLoaded. However, Tavi stops as Bob walks in front of her, waving. Tavi gives a deep sigh.
Tavi [Darkly]: Bob...
Bob: Hey, Tavi! Where are you going?
Tavi [Bluntly]: Stuff.
Bob: What kind of stuff--
Tavi: Bob, Barney's behind you.
Tavi nods at a random PMC clutching a machete with a blackened blade. Bob turns around, screaming wildly and flailing at the air in front of him.
Bob [Screaming]: NO! GET AWAY! GET AWAY YOU FUCKING PURPLE DINOSAUR!
Bob turns around, running down the street as the PMC slowly shakes his head.
Tavi: What did you expect when you drugged them?
PMC: An easy kill?
Tavi: Yeah, well, you're idiots.
The PMC's head darts between Tavi and Bob, before deciding to run after Bob, who is clearly drugged and provides an easier target. Tavi sighs, shaking her head.
Tavi [Sighing]: Wish i'd drank the water now. This looks fun.
Before Tavi can reach the shop, Phil quickly shoves open the door of ReLoaded, a bell ringing from the depths of the shop before he slams the door, running up to the counter towards Courtney, her hair now dyed a scarlet red and clad in a vibrant white lace petticoat, slapping the glass counter roughly. Courtney sighs, taking a quick drink of tea from a white china cup.
Courtney: Take a number..
Phil stops, looking around the practically-deserted shop.
Courtney: What is your number?
Phil [In disbelief]: I'm the only person in the entire fucking shop!
Courtney: Then how may I serve you?
Phil: We need an RPG!
Courtney: ....Say wha'?
Phil: ROCKET. PROPELLED. GRENADE.
Courtney slowly nods.
Courtney: Alright....What are you shooting down?
Phil [Hastily]: A GIANT EAGLE THAT SHOOTS AT US FROM BENEATH ITS WINGS!
Courtney slowly takes a step backwards, reaching under the counter for a cattle prod.
The bell rings within ReLoaded and Tavi walks in, slamming the door shut behind her.
Tavi: Hi Phil.
Phil: Hey Tavi.
Courtney: Phil wants an RPG to shoot down a giant eagle. Why?
Tavi: ...You mean you don't know?
Courtney: Know what?
Phil [Calmly]: Water containers drugged. Tripping balls.
Courtney [Bluntly]: Oh.
Tavi: ..How did you not know?
Courtney [scoffing]: I just thought they were being their usual idiotic, hyperactive selves!
Tavi: Just...give him the RPG.
Phil: And put it on my tab.
Courtney: We're not a fuckin' bar!
Phil: I don't have my wallet and i'm high! I'm sure you can give me some leeway!
Courtney reluctantly reaches under the counter, pulling out an already-loaded RPG-7.
Phil: ...Isn't that dangerous, keeping it loaded?
Courtney: Has anyone told you that you ask too many questions?
Phil: Then how's this for another one...............Can I have that flamethrower?
Phil points at the wall behind Courtney, where the fuel tank and nozzle of a freshly-painted M2 Flamethrower is hanging, the markings dictating it's owner as the US Army and its deployment in Vietnam visibly scratched off. Courtney looks over her shoulder, turning around and prying the fuel tank off of the wall, turning to Phil, grinning brightly.
Courtney: Good..I was looking for a test dummy.
Phil: Say wha'?
Tavi: It's been a project of hers, trying to restore it into working order. Now, you get to see if it works.
Phil: And if it doesn't?
Courtney [Grinning brightly]: You explode into a meaty, charred goo!
Phil turns around, parting his arms.
Phil: Strap me up.
Courtney [Pouting]: You take the fun out of me threatening people with violent deaths..
Phil: I have seen Bob having fisticuffs with Barney, I FEAR NOTHING!
Courtney straps the tank to Phil's back and he runs forward, slamming his shoulder through the door to ReLoaded and onto the streets. Phil tosses his RPG-7 to Lynch, who quickly catches it.
Lynch [eyes widening]: Sweet Jesus! What the fuck have you got there?!
A few of the mercenaries turn around and watch as Phil reaches behind him, pulling out the flamethrower nozzle and aiming it at them. Several of the hallucinations back away from the mercenaries and up Beale Street, realising that they cannot stand up to a flamethrower at close range. Frank has since walked out of his flat, carefully watching the action.
Jericho: You aren't even qualified to use a can opener! Why do you have a flamethrower?
Bob: Phil, what the fuck??!
Robbie [Laughing]: NICE!
Dave: Seriously, man? SERIOUSLY?
Phil turns to the hallucinations, nozzle aimed down the street.
Phil [Cackling]: WE DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH HALLUCINATIONS!!!
Phil twists a few valves on the back of the flamethrower tank before looking down at Pinkie Pie who looks up at him wide-eyed.
Phil: You know how mercenaries like their cupcakes?
Pinkie Pie: How? <3 ^.^
Phil [Bluntly]: CHARRED.
Phil fires the flamethrower, sending a white-hot stream of flames towards several of the hallucinations as he slowly walks forward, sweeping the flame left and right, cackling inanely.
Phil: FEELIN’ HOT HOT HOT! FEELIN’ HOT HOT HOT!
A blue fizz suddenly fills the air as Cody Rhodes appears behind Phil, tapping him on the shoulder. Phil quickly shrugs off the flamethrower tank.
Jericho: PHIL, DO--
Rhodes locks his right arm around Phil’s neck, dragging him down before spinning under him and driving his face into the tarmac with the Cross Rhodes, a lethal spinning cutter that causes Phil’s face to slam into the tarmac.
Pinkie Pie [Happily]: YAYYY!!! CODY!!
Cody Rhodes [Scathingly]: …God, you’re UGLY.
Rhodes walks over to Pinkie Pie, pulling a paper bag out from the rear of his trunks and placing it over her head before disappearing in a blue fizz.
Frank: Well, we got our wishes: More wrestling cameo appearances.
Phil groans loudly, his legs twitching violently.
Jericho: Did we just open a portal to the other world?
Sabin: Nope, just hallucinations.
Jericho slowly turns his head to his left, looking at Chris Sabin standing next to him, folding his arms and looking ahead. Sabin suddenly turns his head, grinning.
Sabin [Grinning brightly]: ‘Ello, Jerry.
Jericho: Alright, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be in TNA or ROH or whatever?
Sabin: Just came to tell you that—Oops, time’s up.
Sabin disappears in a blue fizz.
Jericho: TELL US WHAT?!?!?
Jericho turns around, his nose bumping into Wade Barret’s chin.
Jericho: Oh fuck.
Barrett growls, leaning down and hoisting Jericho horizontally over his shoulders and standing up straight before violently throwing him down onto the ground, executing his finisher known as the Wasteland, slamming Jericho’s spine roughly into the tarmac.
Jericho [Choking]: ......My spleen..
Suddenly, from an alleyway to their left march out Johan, Mustafa and Stoofer, clad in their bottle-green boiler suits, fists clenched and foreheads glistening with sweat in the sun. Several of the hallucinations scuttle backwards as they walk towards the mercenaries. Stoofer looks down at Lynch, then over at the PMC's.
Stoofer [Calmly]: We heard chaos and destruction. We want in.
Lynch points across at the hallucinations, whom Stoofer, Johan and Mustafa see as nothing more than over-confident Praying Mantis PMC's hoping to take advantage of drugged mercenaries, gulping as they now realise the playing field has been heavily tipped in favour of the mercenaries. Mustafa growls, cracking his knuckles.
Mustafa [Deathly quiet]: Let's break bones.
Lynch [Determined]: LET'S RUMBLE!....AGAIN!
Frank slowly tiptoes towards his flat, but Lynch grabs the back of his grey t-shirt before grasping the hem of his jeans, carefully aiming him at Edward Cullen.
Frank: NO! LYNCH! DON'T!
Lynch [Angrily]: FIGHT LIKE A MAN, DRUNKIE!!
Lynch throws Frank forward, sending him rolling into a few of the hallucinations and knocking them over as Jericho, Bob, Bill and Samuel run forward, leaping onto the fallen pile.
Lynch [Pumping his arm in triumph]: STEE-RIKE!!!
A PMC runs forward, aiming a quick punch at Mustafa who simply grasps the PMC's fist, twisting it roughly and breaking the PMC's wrist. The PMC screams violently, but Mustafa simply grasps his shoulder, twisting him around, grabbing his head in both hands and wrenching his neck violently to the right, snapping it instantly.
Bob [Surprised]: Damn, you snapped Lord Lucan's neck like a twig!
Mustafa blinks, looking at Bob, before looking at Lynch who looks over his shoulder at them.
Lynch: Long story short: The water was drugged.
Johan [Calmly]: What water?
Lynch: Water shipment, meant to go to another unit. We got it instead. Drank it. Drugged. Tripping balls.
Johan and Stoofer exhange odd looks before shrugging.
Stoofer: They fell for the oldest trick in the book.
Johan: Who cares? It doesn't matter what they see: What we see are PMC's, and it's time to snap necks.
The mercenaries charge forward, as do the PMC's. Lynch collides with Edward Cullen once more as fist and flesh collide, both huddles meeting once more in brutal hand-to-hand combat.
Lynch slaps Cullen roughly around his cheek, causing him to stumble and turn around, coming face-to-face with Karab. Karab clutches the Pailbat tightly, glaring at Cullen.
Karab: Suck on this, pretty boy.
Karab swings the bat violently, the metal pail connecting with Cullen’s skull and causing it to explode in a plume of bleached bone, brain matter and tattered flesh. Karab raises the bat up high.
Karab [Loudly]: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL INGLIP!!
Karab runs off as Lynch simply stares in bewilderment.
Lynch: You crazy Paki bastard.
Karab [Angrily]: FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M INDIAN!! DO I HAVE TO MAKE YOU IDIOTS SPECIAL RACIST MAPS?!?!?
Lynch: Whatever, just look behind you.
Karab turns around, getting a motorcycle tire smashed over his head by Ben Roethlisberger.
Karab slowly collapses backwards, splayed on the floor with the tire wrapped around his waist. Roethlisberger cracks his knuckles, only for Lynch to point behind him.
Lynch: LOOK! A YOUNG WOMAN GIVING YOU A SUGGESTIVE LOOK!
Roethlisberger quickly turns around.
Roethlisberger: Where?! WHERE?!?!
Lynch quickly falls to his knees, swinging his arm upwards and catching Roethlisberger between his legs. Roethlisberger clenches his legs together at the right moment, catching Lynch's arm. Lynch's face falls.
Lynch: Oh fuck.
Roethlisberger: 'Oh fuck' is right.
Jon [Quickly]: LYNCH! I'LL SAVE YOU!
Jon runs forward towards Roethlisberger, who growls darkly. Jon quickly runs backwards, turning to Will who is currently involved in fisticuffs with Mary Whitehouse.
Jon: WILL! I'LL SAVE YOU FROM THE ULTRA-CONVERSATIVE BITCH!
Whitehouse quickly pulls out a bible, thrusting it into Will's face. Will screams violently, clutching his eyes.
Will [Screaming]: NO! NOT THE BIBLE! IT BURNS!
Whitehouse: Now to go into your house...AND BURN YOUR PORN.
Will: NO! NOT MY PORN! HELP ME, JON! HELP ME!
Jon runs forward, launching himself over Will and tackling Mary Whitehouse to the ground. Mere feet away, Pinkie Pie is busy clopping her front hooves off the ground, watching as Roethlisberger locks Lynch in a headlock and starts to deliver thunderous blows into his face. While she's distracted, Phil, still wearing the flamethrower on his back, and Steve, each carrying a side of a fishing net, slowly sneak forward from a nearby alleyway behind her.
Phil [Quietly]: At the count of three, throw it....one...two..
Pinkie Pie's head suddenly snaps around one hundred and eighty degrees, glaring at them and causing them to stop instantly.
Phil [Hastily]: RAPIDO! RAPIDO!
Phil and Steve leap forward, but Pinkie Pie jolts backwards, avoiding the net and causing both men to hit the ground face-first. Phil rolls onto his back, his back cracking as it lays across the flamethrower tank, only for Pinkie Pie to hop onto his chest.
Pinkie Pie: You really shouldn’t have done that. <3
Phil: I suppose now is not the right time to call for a time out?
Pinkie Pie shoves a hoof over Phil’s head, pulling his right eyelid down as her second hoof presses against his eyeball.
Pinkie Pie: So soft and squishy….and so very fragile.
Phil [Yelping]: MOTHER OF FUCKING ODIN!!!! GET IT OFF ME!!
Steve quickly kips up to his feet, clenches his fist and raises it to the sky before running forward. Pinkie Pie quickly hops off Phil’s shoulder as Steve punches Phil roughly in the nose, splitting it open like a rotten tomato and causing blood to flow.
Steve [Horrified]: PHIL! OH GOD, PHIL!
Phil [In agony]: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Steve [Panicking]: Are you alright?! ARE YOU ALRIGHT?!?!
Phil [In agony]: BY FUGGING DOSE!!! YOU DROKE BY FUGGING DOSE!!!!
Steve: My mistake!
Phil stands up, pulling the flamethrowers nozzle from his back and aiming it at Steve.
Phil: BISTAKE THIS, CUNT!!!!
Steve: Philly! Behind you!
Phil grasps the straps of the fuel tank, shrugging the flamethrower off of his body before turning around, swinging a foot at Pinkie Pie. He misses, kicking the tank instead.
Phil [In pain]: ODIN!!! BY FOOT!!
Dean [Hastily]: YOU HOLD HER, I’LL PUNCH HER!!!
Steve runs forward, aiming a kick at Pinkie Pie who ducks, causing Steve to trip over the flamethrower tank and fall face-first onto the sand.
Dean: HOLD HER!! HOLD HER!!
Phil grasps her mane, pinning her roughly to the ground. She squeals as Dean runs forward, but she quickly scrambles to the right, parts of her mane ripping in Phil's fingers as she escapes, causing Dean to hit Phil with a powerful right hook that sends him roughly to the floor. Dean clasps his hands over his mouth.
Dean [Gulping]: Uh oh. That did not go to plan. That did not go to plan at all.
Steve [Hastily]: HIT IT!
Dean: WHY DON'T YOU?!
Steve rolls up the sleeves of his shirt, cracking his knuckles and pointing at Pinkie Pie.
Steve winds his arm before running forward, tripping over Pinkie Pie and slamming face-first into the wall behind her, knocking himself out.
Pinkie Pie [Timidly]: B-but..I stayed.. o.o
Dean [Sighing]: You'll have to forgive him, he's a complete moron.
Pinkie Pie: I see..I'll just have to take your eyes!
Dean: Ye--wait, WHAT?!
Pinkie Pie: ^.^
Dean [Yelping]: FUCK! SAMMY! HELP!
Dean turns around, running away. Stoofer watches as Dean runs away, turning his head and looking at a PMC who is standing opposite Stoofer, staring up at him.
PMC [Intimidated]: Oh gee, how did this happen..
Stoofer: Sorry ese, but you picked the wrong mercenaries to piss off.
Stoofer walks forward, grasping the PMC by the throat and walking forward before repeatedly slamming his head against the wall, each slam cracking the skull and causing blood to spray upwards in a plumehe sand-blasted wall. At the foot of Beale Street, a scarlet Ferrari Enzo speeds forward, screeching to a halt mere feet from Bill, spraying him in sand. Bill recoils, coughing violently.
Bill [Retching]: WHAT THE HELL?!?!
Bill turns around before slowly lifting his head, looking at a rainbow streaked across the sky.
Vince's Voice [Determined]: AVERT YOUR EYES, MY REDNECK FRIEND.
The door to the Ferrari floats open as Vince steps out, wearing a black suit, sunglasses and carrying a shotgun.
Vince: It's ponies. I hate ponies.
Vince pumps his shotgun.
Vince [Grinning]: Let’s roll—
Out of nowhere, the rainbow arcs downwards overhead, jettisons forward, and slams into Vince's back, sending him flying forward.
Vince [In pain]: DAMMIT!!
Vince is sent skidding along the sands, past Sal who stands there, blinking.
Sal: Well, weren't you just completely fucking useless?
Vince: I taste my spleen..
Sal [Scathingly]: You useless twat!
Samuel: SAL! Are you actually doing something?!
Sal: Excuse me, new guy, but you haven't earned the right to say my name!
Samuel [Calmly]: Technically, i'm not the new guy anymore.
Samuel is suddenly pulled backwards in a sleeper hold by another werewolf as Sal looks on, blinking. Lynch, now with Roethlisberger in a headlock, stumbles past Sal, punching Roethlisberger repeatedly on the top of his skull.
Lynch: I'LL! TEACH! YOU! TO! MESS! WITH! ME!
Suddenly, the street falls silent as a familiar shadow falls over it. "Also Sprach Zarathrustra" begins to play as the mercenaries and PMC's twist their heads up to the right, pointing in horror as an eagle slowly floats by.
Mercenaries [Screaming]: GIANT EAGLE!!!
The mercenaries and PMC's dive to the floor as the eagle lifts its wing, spraying bullets across the entire street. Lynch, keeping his right arm over his head, belly crawls over to the right side of Beale Street towards ReLoaded, where he had discarded the RPG Phil had thrown him when the brawl re-started. Lynch dives forward, grasping the RPG and pulls it to his chest, jogging backwards and getting to one knee.
Lynch: COVERING FIRE!!
Dean: We don't have weapons!
Lynch [Quietly]: Useless cunts..
Lynch watches as the eagles head turns to face him in slow motion. A grin spreads across his face.
Lynch [Grinning]: Hello, you beauty. Kiss your ass goodbye.
Lynch fires the RPG. The rocket streaks through the air, colliding with the side of the eagle and detonating on impact, a huge black and orange explosion expanding in the air as chunks of metal wreckage rain down from the sky towards Beale Street.
Jericho [Confused]: ...metal wreckage?
The mercenaries and PMC's look upwards as a black, spiralling streak of smoke winds down from the sky, followed by a deafening explosion from nearby as the eagle presumably explodes. Lynch throws down the RPG, turning to the mercenaries and PMC's.
Lynch [Clapping his hands together]: Well? THIRD TIME'S THE CHARM! LET'S KICK THIS SHIT UP AGAIN!
The mercenaries and PMC's instantly hop to their feet, once again trading blows. Roethlisberger once again charges at Lynch, but Lynch jolts forward, locking him in a headlock as Sal claps his hands together.
Sal: Come on Lynch, show him who's boss!
Lynch and Roethlisberger stop as suddenly as they started, with Roethlisberger twisting his head and looking up at Lynch.
Roethlisberger: I can break his legs if you want.
Lynch: You'd do that?
Roethlisberger [Nodding]: Yeah, he's annoying me way more.
Lynch: Then be my guest!
Roethlisberger [Smirking]: You're too kind, thank you!
Lynch lets go of Roethlisberger, who cracks his knuckles and advances on Sal, who screams, turns around and runs away. Lynch gives a peaceful sigh, turning around and watching Frank get shoved against a wall by Nigel Thornberry before being grabbed by his moustache and his head slammed repeatedly against the wall.
Frank: LYNCH! Fuck! HELP! Fucking hell, stop! HEEELP!!!! Fuuuuuucccckkkkk!!
Lynch [Grinning]: ......Nah. GIVE HIM ONE FOR ME, NIGEL!
Nigel slams Franks head roughly against the wall before Frank grabs Nigel's bushy moustache, twisting the ends.
Frank [Laughing]: TWO CAN PLAY AT THIS GAME!!
The rainbow in the sky arcs downwards, slamming into the back of Bob who is sent sliding across the floor.
Lynch: What the fuck is doing that?
Lynch reaches into the back of his vest, pulling out a baseball bat and wielding it, glaring around at the fading streams of rainbow. Vince crawls over, coughing on the floor.
Vince [Wheezing]: Lynch, it's...it's.......uh....it's......fuck...
Lynch [Impatiently]: SPEAK!
Vince raises his head slightly, before getting punted in the side of his skull by Randy Orton, sending him rolling onto his back, splayed out on the sands unconscious. Lynch blinks as Orton disappears in a fizzle of blue sparks.
Lynch [Calmly]: How tragic.
Johan [Hastily]: LYNCH! BEHIND YOU!
Lynch twists around, but Johan bolts forward, tackling a machete-wielding PMC to the floor before pressing his knee against the PMC's throat, cutting off the oxygen to his brain.
Lynch: Thanks, Johan.
Johan presses down rougher, crushing the PMC's throat and killing him instantly before getting up, dusting off his hands.
Johan: No problem, compadre.
Johan walks over to the collapsed Phil, grasping both of his shoulders and forcing him to his feet before leaning him against a wall to keep him on a vertical base before turning around, grasping an oncoming PMC attempting to blindside him by the throat with both hands, lifting him into the air and walking over to Mustafa.
Johan [Calmly]: Little help?
Mustafa grabs the PMC's legs as Johan pulls backwards on the PMC's neck and head, an act which eventually causes the PMC to rip in half at the waist, Mustafa prying off his legs as easy as pulling the wings off a fly. Mustafa throws the useless limbs to the floor as Johan tosses the torso aside, both men sharing a high-five. The rainbow arcs downwards once more, slamming violently into Samuel's knee, causing him to fall to one knee and allowing the werewolf to tighten its grasp even more as Dean rushes over, leaping onto the werewolf's back and wrapping his arms around its neck.
Dean: No-one will kill my brother but me!
The werewolf releases its hold on Samuel, standing up straight.
Dean: Wait, what are you doing?
The werewolf slowly begins to fall backwards.
Dean: Wait, what? Wai--[Yelping] NO! NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--
Dean is sandwiched by several hundred pounds of flesh and fur and concrete as the werewolf collapses backwards. Lynch slams his baseball bat against the concrete, looking around at the random rainbow streaks.
Lynch [Angrily]: ALRIGHT! ENOUGH GAMES!
Karab stands opposite Lynch, clutching his own pailbat. Lynch's eyes narrow as he meets Karab, who also narrows his eyes.
Karab: Hello infidel.
Lynch: Fuck off and go worship your fake God.
Karab [Angrily]: INGLIP IS REAL AND ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY!
Lynch [Venomously]: HOW ABOUT I BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF YOU?!
Karab [Snorting]: YOU DON'T HAVE THE GUTS!!!
Lynch's eyes narrow.
Lynch: Taste maple, you Indian cunt.
Karab: Don't ever label me by my ethnicity, you American piece of shit.
Lynch [Narrowing his eyes]: That's a bit hypocritical, isn't it?
Karab: What can I say? I like peanuts.
Lynch [Taken aback]: What does that have to do with--
Karab jolts forward, slamming the tip of his bat into Lynch's abdomen. Lynch coughs in surprise, doubling over.
Karab: Has nothing to do with anything! You fell for my distraction! AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!! But seriously, now I beat you.
Lynch: What....about the fight...?
Karab lowers his pailbat.
Karab [Nodding]: Oh, right, THAT.
Lynch slams his bat forward into Karab's abdomen, causing him to double over in pain.
Lynch [Laughing]: HA! SUCK ON THAT!
Karab pulls himself up, both Lynch and Karab repeatedly slamming their bats against the others as they fight amongst themselves, fighting past Frank who stumbles backwards, still holding onto Nigel Thornberry's moustache.
Frank: PLEASE LET GO OF ME!
The rainbow blasts between them.
Thornberry: What the bloody hell was that?!
Frank: Don't ask me! I just live here! Don't kill me!
Lynch: DAMMIT, FRANK! DO SOMETHING USEFUL!
Lynch swings his bat, causing Karab to do the splits and duck under it. Lynch swings the bat downwards, but it smashes off of the ground as Karab rolls onto his upper back, his legs in the air before he pushes himself forward with his upper back, his legs landing on Lynch's shoulders before wrapping around his neck. Karab sweeps to the right, causing Lynch to frontflip and hit the ground with a rough thud before Karab backward rolls onto his feet.
Karab: FIGHT LIKE A MAN, LYNCH!
Lynch pulls himself to his feet, letting loose a vicious war cry before running forward, swinging the bat at Karab who ducks under it, narrowly missing Phil in the process as he stumbles to his feet, his nose now caked in dry, blackened blood. He gives a deep sniffle, trying to clear the clotted blood from his nose.
Phil: Can't fugging breathe.
Jericho groans loudly, still mostly unconscious. Phil narrows his eyes, watching as Bill jams a knife into the chest of Barney. Barney slowly topples backwards, hitting the ground with a thud as Bob stares, wide-eyed.
Bob [Gasping]: Jesus, Bill! You stabbed Barney the Dinosaur!
Bill walks over to Barney, placing his foot on his chest and pulling out the knife from the sliced ribcage with a squelching rip. An arc of arterial blood sprays up, hitting Bob in his mouth. Bob stands there, frozen to the spot as the colour drains from his face.
Bill: ...Uh, Bob? You have a little something....uhh...
Bob raises his hand in horror, wiping his mouth which only serves to smear the blood even more.
Bill: What's it taste like, dinosaur blood?
Bob turns around, doubling over and vomiting noisily onto the floor. Bill winces, turning around and coming face-to-face with a young teenage girl with pink hair, vibrant deep red eyes and two horn-like protrusions out of the top of her skull in a triangular shape. Bill looks at her, tilting his head as Frank and Nigel Thornberry stumbled past them, each one still clutching eachothers moustaches.
Frank [In pain]: IF YOU LET GO, I'LL GIVE YOU MONEY!!
Mustafa [Calling over]: Do you need help, Frank?! I've heard of the Alaskans participating in ear pulling, but never heard of people participating in moustache pulling!
Frank [In pain]: NO! IT'S FINE!
Thornberry [Boisterously]: TALLY HO!!
Frank : What? [Frightened]: OH NO! NO NO NO NO!!
Nigel pulls roughly on Franks moustache, throwing him through the right-hand window of the Dog and Handgun. Mustafa cracks his knuckles, stomping over as Thornberry scuttles off. Bill snorts, shaking his head before sneering at the young girl.
Bill: Shoo. Fuck off.
Bill squeezes past the girl, before stopping suddenly as Brick stands in front of him.
Brick: Partners...that girl there is evil.
Bill: So? She's quiet.
Bill turns around, looking at the back of the girls head.
Brick: I sense danger, Bill.
Bill [Scathingly]: You've been hiding in the Dog and Handgun, so fuck off. You know nothing about danger.
Sal strolls over, standing beside Bill.
Sal: Hi guys!
Bill [Bitterly]: Fuck off.
Sal: Is that your phrase of the day, Bill?
Bill: Yes. Yes it is.
Sal: So, what are we looking at?
Sal looks at the back of the girl.
Brick [Calmly]: Yep.
Sal: .....Ten dollars to whoever slaps her back.
Bill [In disbelief]: WHAT?!
The girl slowly turns around, glaring at them.
Bill [Mockingly]: Awww, we upset her.
Vince stumbles up to his feet, stumbling sideways and barging into Sal, gasping violently.
Vince [In pain]: Fucking ponies!
Sal: Watch it, beardy!
Vince looks up at the girl, the color draining out of his face.
Vince [Shocked]: Oh. My. God.
Vince [Gasping]: It's..it's...it's LUCY!!!!
Bill [Raising an eyebrow]: .........in the sky with diamonds?
Vince [Panicking]: OH GOD! OH GOD! OH JESUS!
Sal: He's annoying me.
Lynch stumbles past, wrestling with Ben Roethlisberger once more.
Lynch: JUST! FUCKING DIE!
Roethlisberger pulls his fist back, punching Lynch roughly in the mouth and busting his lower lip open, causing blood to flow down Lynch's bristly chin.
Lynch [In pain]: DAMMIT!
Roethlisberger advances, but his head suddenly slides off of his neck, a huge fountain of arterial spray jettisoning into the area. Bill, Brick, Vince and Sal watch in horror as 'Lucy' turns her head to Roethlisberger's stumbling body which is suddenly sliced in half vertically, sending a torrent of scarlet blood across the sands. Jon wades through the blood, looking over at them with his nose upturned.
Jon [Angrily]: YOU BASTARDS! I JUST POLISHED THESE FUCKING THINGS!
Bill: ...LET'S GET OUTTA HERE!!!
Bill, Vince, Sal and Brick scream, running into the Dog and Handgun as Lucy chases after them, slamming the doors shut and bolting them behind her.
Jon: What the fuck got them so scared?
Lynch [Bluntly]: ..Like fuck I know. Like fuck I care.
Jon looks down at his feet, where a Nidorino is nibbling at his shoe.
Jon [Hissing]: Fuck off, you stupid Pokemon.
Jon kicks at the Nidorino, but the Nidorino leaps up, jabbing his right hand with its long horn and skewering it. Jon screams, running past Phil and into an alleyway behind him which Phil is knocked into by the arcing rainbow slamming into his chest.
Phil [In pain]: FUCK!!
Phil is sent sliding across the sands, quickly locking his arms around his chest before rolling onto his stomach, pinning a wriggling objecct to the ground.
Phil: I have you no--OH, FUCK!
Beneath him, a pale blue pony with a rainbow mark on its rear flank wriggles in his hands, its wings flapping uselessly.
Rainbow Dash: LEMME GO!!!
Phil [Enraged]: ANOTHER FUCKING PONY?!?!
Rainbow Dash [Struggling]: LE'GO!!!
Phil: That's it, i'm going to kill you.
Rainbow Dash: WHAT?!
Phil: I have had it with you motherfucking ponies in this motherfucking hallucination!!!
Rainbow Dash [Whimpering]: ....Mercy?? TT__TT
Phil: Mercy is for cowards.
Phil reaches into the side of his belt, pulling out the curved Karambit knife Karab gave him, swinging the knife around so his hand covered the curve of the handle and the blade faced outwards from his body. Rainbow Dash gives a small, desperate sob. Jon runs into the alleyway with the Nidorino in a headlock, looking over at Phil.
Jon: Tripping balls?
Phil: Tripping balls.
Jon: .....Phil, a question--
Phil: Oh, fuck, this should be fun.
Jon: ..Who are we killing in these hallucinations? Are we killing people in the real world or what?
Phil: Who cares?
Jon nods, repeatedly slamming the head of the Nidorino into the brick wall repeatedly with sickening crunches each time as the skull begins to slowly crack. Phils head snaps down, glaring at Rainbow Dash as he raises the knife up high.
Phil [Darkly]: FOR THE ALL-FATHER.
Rainbow Dash [Sobbing]: Please!!
Phil: Hallucinations shouldn’t beg. It’s unbecoming.
Rainbow Dash: Please dun hurt meh.. T_T
Phil clamps his left hand over her mouth, pinning her down.
Phil [Cheerily]: On the plus side: You get to go to Valhalla! [Darkly] On the negative side: Knife comes in, guts come out.
Phil brings the knife down, slicing into Rainbow Dash’s stomach as she lets out a few pained gurgles. Jericho runs into the alleyway.
Jericho [Wiping his brow]: Hey, Phil, I sa--
Jericho looks down at Phil who looks over his shoulder, one hand over Rainbow Dash's muzzle and the Karambit knife and a bundle of raw pink intestines in the other.
Phil [Nodding]: What is it, Jerry?
Jericho blinks, then slowly shakes his head, walking backwards out of the alleyway.
Jericho [Darkly]: I'm sending that boy to a psychologist one day..
In Tavi and Courtney's bedroom in ReLoaded, both of the women are clutching tranquilizer rifles. A small red box, with pink feathertips visible within it, is laid on Tavi's bed. Tavi grasps a dart, slipping into the rifle and loading it, glancing up at Courtney.
Tavi: Are you ready?
Courtney: What do we need?
Tavi: Tranquilize them. Sedate them. I’ll administer charcoal once they have been tranquilized. We will have to quarantine them.
Courtney: Are you sure about this?
Tavi: Very sure. It's the only way.
Courtney [Shaking her head]: Why contaminate the water?..
Tavi: Easy: Think it makes them sitting ducks, but they drugged them on their turf.
Courtney: So they have the advantage?
Tavi: That and the fact that drugging them doesn't even make a difference. C'mon: We're talking about a squad of morons who drink so regularly that they can't even tell the difference between hallucinations and real life. I mean, they're killing out there!
Courtney walks over to the curtain, parting the netting and watching as Robbie finishes smashing an unrecognisable PMC's head off of the ground, brain matter scattered across the ground in a dark scarlet mass as Robbie gets to his feet, slicking back his hair with his bloodied hands, matting it to his scalp.
Robbie [Angrily]: WHO WANTS SOME?! HOW ABOUT YOU, FLUTTERSHY?! I'LL SMASH YOUR FUCKING HEAD IN!!
Courtney closes the netting, rubbing her eyes.
Courtney: Is it bad that I love the prospect of shooting them?
Tavi: Remember, Courtney: Darts only.
Courtney sighs as Tavi holds a dart out. Courtney snatches it, loading it into her rifle.
Tavi squishes her cheeks slightly with her palms.
Tavi: Oh, don't pout, it's so unbecoming!
Courtney: One of these days it'll be live ammo!
Tavi smirks, kissing her forehead.
Tavi: Yes..it will be.
Tavi and Courtney look outside, watching as Karab slams his pailbat against the wall as Lynch ducks under it, moving behind him and twisting around before both of them slam their bats together.
Courtney: Him first?
Tavi [Smirking]: Maybe.
They then turn their heads, watching as Mustafa lifts a PMC straight above his head before slamming him down onto his knee and pressing down with both his hands, pulling the PMC in half at the waist. Tavi quickly grasps her tranquilizer rifle.
Tavi: We better get started.
Frank [Disgusted]: Jesus, Mustafa, did you have to pull Nigel Thornberry apart?!
Back on Beale Street, the brawl is still raging on as the mercenaries are effectively battling a war of attrition with their enemies, doing their best to wear down the oncoming onslaught of enemies heading their way. One mercenary enjoying the workload is Robbie who, clutching his dagger, starts advancing on Fluttershy, who scuttles backwards, sobbing hysterically.
Robbie [Chanting rhythmically]: Wipe your tears, I have come to alleviate your fears. When you die, you will be scared no more, WHEN YOUR BLOOD POOLS ON THE FLOOR!!!
Fluttershy scuttles backwards into a wall, her chest heaving as Robbie's shadow falls over her.
Fluttershy [Whimpering]: P-P-Please?
Robbie [Bluntly]: No.
Robbie stands over Fluttershy, the SS dagger glinting in his hand.
Robbie [Coldly]: I am going to tear off your skin, and then I will eat it.
Will: Has anyone told you that you have major psychological issues?
Robbie [Calmly]: Yes. Now shut up and kill something.
Will: Me and Jon did.
Will points uppwards. Robbie looks up: Hanging from the roof via a piece of tarred rope nailed to the wall is Mary Whitehouse, swinging rhythmically in the wind.
Robbie: Wow. That's pretty nasty.
Will [Shrugging]: She threatened my porn. I wish we'd imagine up some nude French maids, though.
Robbie [Sneering]: You perverted fuck.
Will: She's getting away.
Robbie's head snaps back: Fluttershy has since scuttled away.
Robbie [Angrily]: THAT PASTEL-COLOURED PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!!!!
Robbie points at Will.
Robbie [Angrily]: I will hang you with your own spleen when i'm done with this little bitch.
Robbie stomps down the street, his head snapping right as he checks alleyways. Robbie watches as Bob darts past him into an alleyway, his eyes scanning the darkness.
Bob [Hissing]: SHUT UP! SHE WANTS MY EYEBALLS!
Bob whimpers, running further into the alleyway, looking across at Walker Street.
Bob [Panicking]: Oh fuck…oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck..
Bob looks to his right at a dumpster, grasping both lids and pushing them open, looking down at the rotting garbage, turning his nose up at the rotting fish and egg smell emenating from within the dumpster. Bob retches, swallowing some bile and hops into the dumpster, leaning up and grasping both lids, pulling them down and slamming them shut over his head.
Bob gives a deep, ragged sigh,pulling his knees to his chest and sitting back, his rear sinking into an old piece of rotten kebab meat from Kebaborama, sending up a vile stench of rotting meat.
Bob strains his ears, the sounds of pitched battles in the streets next to him filling his ears as he tucks his head down more. Suddenly, his eardrums pick up slight vibrations, the sound of hooves clopping off of concrete.
Pinkie Pie’s Voice [Deathly quiet]: Pinkie you gotta stand up tall….learn to face your feeeeeaaarrssss….you'll see that they can't hurt you, just laugh to make them disappeeeeear…..
The clopping stops just outside the dumpster. Bob’s breathing remains quiet, heavy as he hears several bangs against the side of the dumpster.
Pinkie Pie’s Voice [Boisterous]: HA! HA! HA!
Bob remains quiet, deathly quiet.
Suddenly, the two lids of the dumpster are shoved open as two pink hooves appear over the edge of the dumpster and the face of Pinkie Pie appears, smiling sweetly.
Pinkie Pie [Giggling]: Found you! <3
Pinkie Pie [Deathly hiss]: I said..I found you..
Bob leans up, grasping both lids and slams them down onto the hooves of Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie screams ,pulling her hooves away as Bob rummages inside the dumpster, quickly pulling out a rusted kitchen knife that used to belong to the Kebaborama. He grins, shoving the lids open and looks around: Pinkie Pie has since vanished.
Bob [Confused]: …..Alright, where is she?
Pinkie Pie [Energetically]: BANZAIIIIII!!!
Bob screams, slamming the lids shut, causing Pinkie Pie to slam off of them and bounce to the concrete. Bob thrusts the lids open, climbing out and quickly running out of the alleyway, panicking. He runs across the street towards the Dog and Handgun, leaping up and dropkicking the doors, causing the wood holding the locks to splinter and force them open. William Shakespeare stumbles backwards behind Bob as Jericho lunges forward, punching Shakespeare roughly in the face with his brass knuckles and sending him to the floor before mounting him, grasping his hair in one hand and using the other to rain thunderous blows into his face.
Jericho [Angrily]: I! FUCKING! HATED! A! MIDSUMMERS! NIGHT! DREAM!
Bob quickly runs into the Dog and Handgun, looking around, only to run backwards and shut the doors in front of him as Brick is sent flying out of the window to the left of the Dog and Handgun, glass showering Shakespeare and Jericho as Brick rolls across the sands.
Brick [Whooping]: WHOOWEEE!! THAT BITCH IS ANGRIER THAN A SOW IN HEAT!!
Bob [Confused]: What?
Brick: ..Just..don't go inside the club. We got problems.
Lynch: SO DO I!!
Bob and Brick recoil backwards as Lynch stumbles backwards, holding his bat horizontally as Karab begins to repeatedly slam his pailbat downwards, the pail slamming noisily off of Lynch's baseball bat. Lynch is forced backwards into a wall, but he quickly slams the baseball bats tip into the Karab's stomach, sending Karab backwards. Lynch swings the bat roughly, but Karab ducks under it and runs forward. Lynch turns around as Karab leaps forward, his legs rebounding off the wall as he uses the wall to backflip, landing behind Lynch who turns around, ducking as Karab swipes his pailbat, the pailbat smashing off of the wall behind Lynch and taking a large chunk out of it.
Lynch [Shocked]: OH FUCK! YOU ALMOST KILLED ME!
Karab [Growling]: THAT'S THE IDEA!! NEVER, EVER PISS OFF A GURKHA!
Lynch [Laughing in disbelief]: BUT YOU'RE NOT EVEN A GURKHA!!
Karab stops before letting rip a brutal, primal scream, charging towards Lynch.
Brick [Angrily]: DAMMIT! WATCH THE BAR!
Behind them, Dean slices open the throat of what appears to be the Slender Man before shoving his blood-soaked corpse to the ground, wiping a silver hunting knife on his brown leather jacket.
Dean: Score one for me, Score zero for general supernatural forces.
Samuel [Yawning]: Yes, so impressive.
Dean and Samuel watch as Brick collapses backwards, a dart embedded in his neck as he snores loudly. Bob, Dean and Samuel stop, staring down at Brick as Sal jogs over, clapping his hands.
Sal [Energetically]: Jerry! Great work pummeling the twat! BRICK! WAKE UP!
Samuel: What's with him?
Dean squats down, pulling the tranquilizer from Brick's neck and examining it before looking around.
Dean: ...Seems like Brick's been tranquilized.
Dean stands up, turning to Samuel and shrugging.
Bob [Quickly]: BEHIND YOU!!
Pinkie Pie cackles loudly as Bob runs forward, diving over Dean's head and tackling Pinkie Pie to the ground, locking his hands around her throat.
Bob [Angrily]: TODAY IS THE DAY THAT THOMAS BENITO SPILLS BLOOD!!!
Pinkie Pie [Choking]: Whyyyyyyyyyyyy...??? T^T
Bob suddenly stops, his hands trembling.
Bob: NO! NO! NOT THE CUTENESS!!
Bob lets out a feral scream as he lunges downwards, pulling Pinkie Pie close to his body and hugging her.
Bob [Inanely]: ILOVEYOULOVEYOULOVEYOUFORGIVEMEFORGIVEME!!
Dean [Bluntly]: The boy sure has a strange taste in women.
Vince dives out of the window Brick was thrown through, forward rolling across the floor and breathing heavily, looking over his shoulder.
Vince [Panting]: Think...we....got her...
Samuel: Got who?
Vince [Panting]: Some..evil..anime...bitch..
Dean: You heard him: Let's roll.
Vince looks down at Bob squeezing Pinkie Pie, whose cheeks are puffed and whose face seems to be turning an even more violent shade of pink.
Vince: Oh Em Gee, That is so kawaii!
Jon stomps over and grasps Vince by his collar, glaring at him.
Jon [Angrily]: If I ever, EVER hear you using internet speak in real life or saying those fucking irritating Japanese phrases again, I'll shove your head so far up your ass you'll be able to lick your fucking heart, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!?!?
Vince [Panicking]: Y-y-YES!!!
Jon [Patting his cheek patronisingly]: Good boy.
Dean suddenly screams, and several mercenaries turn and look at him: In his right chest, piercing through his white t-shirt is a tranquilizer dart. Dean pulls it out, looking at it as he stumbles to the right.
Dean [Fading]: NOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooo....
Dean stops, frozen on the spot before falls forward face-first, snoring loudly as Samuel looks down at him.
Samuel: You useless bastard.
Samuel falls face-first, landing on top of Dean and also beginning to snore loudly. Sal's eyes dart around and he lets out a fearful whimper.
Sal: ..Oh God..WHO WILL SAVE THE RICH ONE?!?!?
Jon grabs Vince by the back of his black trousers, running forward and throwing him through the broken window of the Dog and Handgun himself before climbing through, leaving Sal to look around fearfully. Sal's eyes dart around before he's suddenly tapped on the shoulder. Sal spins around, coming face-to-face with Queen Victoria.
Sal: Hello, ma'am. Excuse me!
Sal gives a quick salute, but gets a sharp slap around the cheek which sends him recoiling backwards.
Sal [Taken aback]: SHIT!!
Phil runs forward, smashing a brick over the Queens head and sending her collapsing face-first to the floor at Sal's feet. Sal lets out a deep, thankful sigh.
Sal: Thank you for saving me!
Phil [Bluntly]: I wasn't saving you, I'm just anti-monarchy.
Sal stops suddenly, clawing at his back before reaching up to his upper-right back, clutching a cold metal cylinder.
Sal [Crying out]: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! THEY GOT ME!!!
Sal lets out a dramatic sigh as he collapses forward before snoring loudly. Phil looks down, straight-faced.
Phil [Underwhelmed]: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooookay.
Phil turns to his left as Jericho walks over to him, slapping a hand on his left shoulder and watching as the fighting begins to slowly die down thanks to dying hallucinations and tranquilized mercenaries. Dave walks to Phil's right side, looking down the street.
Dave: We still have one major enemy left.
Dave points down at Pinkie Pie, who is now dancing on Bob's back as he lies splayed out on the floor, whimpering loudly. Jericho looks around.
Jericho [Confused]: Who the fuck is shooting us with darts?!
Dave: Who cares, let's kill her!
Bob [Panicking]: SHIT! HOLD ON!
Bob rolls to the right side, causing Pinkie Pie to stumble off his back. Dave reaches inside his leather bikers vest, pulling out a Colt Python revolver and aiming at Pinkie Pie, pulling the trigger and cocking the hammer repeatedly. Jericho responds by pulling out his Browning L9A1 pistol, aiming it at her and opening fire, pulling the trigger repeatedly. Eventually, the spot where Pinkie Pie is obscured by gun smoke as Dave and Jericho stop firing. Dave gives a triumphant nod, blowing smoke from the barrel of his Colt Python as he slips it into his waistcoat.
Dave [Triumphantly]: She's dead.
The gunsmoke clears, revealing that Pinkie Pie is still standing there with nary a hair out of place in her mane, beaming as she looks up at them.
Pinkie Pie [Beaming brightly]: You shouldn’t have done that. ^_^
Jericho [In sheer disbelief]: How in the fuck do we kill her??
Dave: Cheat code.
Phil [Angrily]: Fffff…..ffffffff….fffffffffffffff…….fffffffffff…….FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!
Jericho: Fucking hell, calm down.
Phil [Enraged]: NEVER! I SUMMON THE RAGE OF MY NORDIC ANCESTORS TO CRUSH THIS FUCHSIA BEAST!!
Jericho blinks, then slowly turns his head more, looking at Phil's back.
Jericho [Taken aback]: ...Phil, what in the name of Mithras are you wearing?
Phil looks over his shoulder at a strip of pale blue skin, tied around his neck by two hollow arms, the cape ending in two hollow legs and a lifeless tail which flows in the wind.
Jericho: It looks—
Phil: It’s Rainbow Dash.
Jericho: .......Are you telling me you carved off her skin and wore it as a cape?
Phil: I meant to carve it into a shirt. She was too small, though.
Dave [Bluntly]: It makes you look mighty retarded, Phil.
Phil: Say what you want, Dave: Vikings believed wearing the skins of animals gave you the animals power.
Dave [Scoffing]: ………..You’re wearing a fucking cartoon ponies skin, you idiot.
Phil: RAINBOW SPARKLES.
A rainbow shoots from Phil’s feet, jettisoning him into the air.
Phil [Screaming]: HOW DO I CONTROL THIS THIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnggggg…
Dave and Jericho look up.
Jericho [Bluntly]: We must have taken some mighty strong shit.
Dave: ....I don't even have a smartass comment to tack onto the end of that.
Jericho: Have you ever seen a man who follows Norse Paganism fly via a rainbow?
Dave: Can't say I have.
Jericho: Me neither.
Pinkie Pie [Whimpering]: HE KILLED DASHIE. T^T.
Dave: What the fuck does that emoticon symbolise?
Dave [Cracking his knuckles]: LET'S BEAT THE FUCK OUT OF IT!
Bob pulls himself to one knee, nodding.
Steve: Why don't we hug it?!
Jericho, Bob and Dave look over at Steve, who is watching them from nearby, randomly licking a vanilla ice cream cone. Dave narrows his eyes.
Dave [In disbelief]: Have you...Have you made yourself an ice-cream instead of fighting?!
Frank bolts out of the Dog and Handgun, breathing heavily.
Frank [Panicking]: DAVE! BEHIND YOU!
Dave spins around, only for Justin Bieber to slam a microphone against the side of his head. Dave stumbles backwards as Jericho is tackled by Pinkie Pie, sending him face-first to the floor.
Jericho [Angrily]: DAMMIT!!
Pinkie Pie [Grinning]: Hewwo! ^.^
Steve watches, calmly licking his ice cream as Johan walks by with two PMC's in headlocks.
Johan [Nodding]: Steve.
Johan wrenches his arms apart, snapping both PMC's neck with rough cracks and sending them spinning to the ground. Steve looks down at the dead bodies, still calmly licking his ice cream before watching as Lynch backs into the doors of the Dog and Handgun as Karab advances, pailbat raised.
Karab [Grinning evilly]: Tonight you die, white man.
Lynch: You racist ass!
Karab: But you are white!
Lynch: ...Huh, good point.
Karab swipes the pailbat down, but Lynch dodges to the right. The pailbat slams roughly off of the doors, sending Karab reeling backwards from the force and into Frank. Karab spins around, glaring at Frank.
Karab [Angrily]: NOW YOU DIE!!
Frank [Panicking]: SHIT!
Frank runs, hiding behind Mustafa who simply stands there as Karab moves left and right, glaring at Frank.
Karab [Laughing evilly]: YOU HAVE TO MOVE SOMEDAY, FRANKIE!!
Frank: MUSTAFA! SAVE ME!
Mustafa [Bluntly]: No.
Mustafa twists around, grasping Frank by the collar of his grey t-shirt before twisting back around, lifting him off of the floor and throwing him forward. Frank screams, slamming through the doors to the Dog and Handgun back first, splitting them open and sending him rolling into the bar. Karab turns to Lynch, who swings his bat and cracks the baseball bat violently off of the side of Karab's head, sending him splayed to the floor, unconscious.
Lynch [Triumphantly, raising his bat in the air]: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Lynch collapses face-first, a tranquilizer dart in the back of his neck. Mustafa slowly raises his head, narrowing his eyes at the top floor of ReLoaded which a rifle barrel is sticking out of. Tavi's head pops out from behind the netting, quickly popping back when she notices Mustafa.
Tavi's Voice [Quietly]: I think the big one's seen us...
Courtney's head momentarily pops into view before popping back behind the netting.
Courtney's Voice [Quietly]: .....Eh, best not shoot him.
Mustafa nods, turning around and headbutting a PMC who stumbles backwards. Out of the Dog and Handgun runs Bill, twisting around as Vince follows. Bill grasps Vince's arms, spinning him around and keeping ahold of him as Lucy walks out, head bowed and face emotionless.
Vince: NO! PLEASE! BILL! SHE KILLED STRONGER MEN THAN ME IN ELFEN LIED!!
Bill thrusts Vince towards Lucy.
Bill [Hastily]: Kill Vince! He's too stupid to live! Save me!
Vince [Angrily]: YOU FUCKING TURNCOAT!!!
Bill: You'll just be speeding up Mother Nature's job!
Stoofer walks over, shoving both Bill and Vince back into the Dog and Handgun before grasping the doors and pulling them shut, dusting off his hands.
Stoofer [Calmly]: Solved that problem.
Bill's Voice [Angrily]: You giant bastard!!
Stoofer [Smirking]: That's me, compadre.
Jericho: Stoofer, when you're done there..
Jericho rolls against Stoofer's heels. Stoofer turns around and looks down at Jericho, whose wrists and ankles are tied together with tarred rope.
Stoofer: How the--
Jericho [Quickly]: Don't ask, just help.
Stoofer sighs, leaning down and grasping the ropes, pulling them apart as Jericho hops up to his feet, dusting his trenchcoat off.
Jericho: Thanks mate.
Stoofer: No problem, compadre.
Stoofer turns left, walking up the street.
Jericho [Calling out]: Stoofer!
Stoofer turns around, glaring at Jericho whose wrists and ankles are bound together once more.
Stoofer [In disbelief]: How the--
Jericho: Please don't ask. These fucking ponies--
Ivan's Voice [Boisterously]: I VILL SAVE YOU!!!
Busting out of the door of his flat is Ivan, clutching a stick of dynamite in his hands with several sticks more tucked into his jet black cargo pants.
Jericho: Ivan! You finally decided to get off your fucking arse and help!
Ivan: Yes! I drank ze water!
Jericho [Underwhelmed]: ..You bloody imbecile..
Ivan bolts down the concrete steps to the flat, running over to Fluttershy who is tugging on the bottom of Frank's jeans.
Ivan [Cackling]: I SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!
Jericho [Calling out]: WRONG ONE, IVAN--Ah, fuck it. Hey, it's quite comfortable here.
Jericho gets hit in the back of his neck with a tranquilizer dart, causing him to fall asleep instantly.
Robbie: That's my kill, Ivan!
Fluttershy screams, letting go of Frank and running past him, bolting into the alleyway as Ivan and Robbie run forward, both of them shunting into the opening, blocking themselves from entering as they attempt to squeeze in.
Robbie [Strained]: Move...you...Commie...BASTARD!!!
Robbie suddenly flinches, grunting as he stumbles backwards, clawing at his back and prying free a tranquilizer dart, holding it to the sky.
Robbie [Angrily]: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Robbie collapses backwards, unconscious as Ivan looks down at him.
Ivan [Underwhelmed]: Vat ze fuck?
The sound of a dumpsters lids slamming shut echoes through the air as Ivan turns his head to the sole dumpster in the alleyway, grinning brightly as he walks over to it. He grasps the lids, laying his head on it and taking great glee in listening to the frightened sobs.
Ivan [Soothingly]: Ssssh, mine enemy..You vill be dead soon..
Ivan reaches into his pocket, pulling out a box of matches and shoving one of the sticks of dynamite into the same pocket, taking out a match, lighting it and holding it to the fuse of the stick of dynamite Ivan is holding. A hissing sound fills the air as the fuse lights, causing Ivan to give a broad grin, dropping the box of matches and grasping the right lid of the dumpster, pulling it open.
Ivan: Ka. Fucking. Boom.
Fluttershy screams as Ivan shoves the stick of dynamite into the dumpster with her, pressing his gnarled hands against the lids for three seconds before letting go and darting out of the alleyway, diving forward with his arms over his head. The dumpster explodes, belching black smoke as the lids are blown straight into the sky, bent and warped as they fly down to the ground, hitting the sounds with rough clangs as Ivan lifts his head, cackling wildly and holding out his arms palms-upwards.
Ivan [Cackling]: IT VAINS PONY!!!!
Johan: He has issues.
Ivan cackles, pulling himself to his feet, leaping into the air and clicking his heels together before spinning around, twirling two sticks of dynamite in his hands.
Ivan [Boisterously]: WHO IS NEXT?!?!?!
Jon: There ain't many left.
Ivan [Hissing]: Zere are still some left to die..
Suddenly, the ground shakes near them. Ivan, Jon and Johan twist around, looking behind them at Phil, who is now clutching a large, angular metal hammer in his hand which is emitting an ethereal pale blue glow.
Jon [Underwhelmed]: Oh boy, I can't wait to hear this.
Phil: I craft this cape from skin of enemies. And now, I return.
Bob: Still unshaven.
Phil: Still unshaven. But, I have found weapon to turn tide of war against pop culture hallucinations.
Phil raises a metal hammer above his head.
Phil: THE HAMMER MJOLNIR.
Bob: The Hammer Mjolnir.
Phil: In my hands.
Bob: In your hands.
Phil [Incredulously]: Stop parroting what I’m saying!
Bob: Behind you.
Phil spins around, swinging the hammer as he does and accidentally slamming it into the side of Justin Bieber’s skull, causing it to cave on itself and a spray of blood, bone, mucus and brain matter to fountain into the air as Bieber's body ragdolls lifelessly across the sands.
Phil [Laughing nervously]: …Oops.
Bob: Phil, use it on the ponies.
Phil: Oh, yeah.
Phil turns around, only for the Hammer to slam down into the concrete.
Phil [Angrily]: DAMMIT! DON’T REJECT ME, MJOLNIR!
Phil leans down, grasping the handle and pulling with all his strength. The attempt proves futile as the hammer remains firmly embedded in the concrete.
Jon [Sighing darkly]: Wow, that was pathetic.
Phil: BAD MJOLNIR! VERY BAD MJOLNIR!
Bob: Yes, just tell off the mythological weapon of the thunder god, i'm sure it'll listen.
Phil: Listen here, Mjolnir! I know kung-fu. KUNG. FUCKING. FU.
Bob collapses face-first to the floor. Phil looks over at Bob, his eyes narrowing.
Phil [Confused]: ...What is with you?
Jon: He's dead, Jim.
Phil: No, he's just sleeping.
Jon: Who cares?! Use that fucking thing to kill the pony! She's the only one left!
Phil: What about Will?
Phil points up the street where Will is wrestling with a giant bottle of lube, punching its midsection.
Will [Angrily]: KEEP AWAY FROM ME, YOU FREAK!
Jon: Have you ever seen anything like it?
Phil [Slowly turning his head towards Jon]: Of course not, why would I?
Phil and Jon turn their heads, watching as Vince is thrown out of the doors of the Dog and Handgun with a tranquilizer dart in his chest, snoring loudly.
Steve: Oooo! That looked painful!
Jon and Phil slowly turn their heads to Steve who is standing there, wiping his ice-cream slicked hands.
Phil: Good God.
Bill slowly walks out of the Dog and Handgun, pointing at Phil and Jon who once again turn their heads.
Bill [Sleepily]: Guyssss.....they're tranquilizing...ussssssss..
Phil and Jon look down at the various mercenaries who are lying in the streets, snoring loudly amongst the mangled corpses and blood.
Jon: Well, I guess that explains that.
Steve slumps forward onto the floor, snoring loudly.
Phil [Loudly]: OH, COME ON! STEVE WASN'T EVEN KILLING ANYTHING!
Tavi's Voice: He may have!
Phil and Jons head snap up to the window of ReLoaded. Tavi's head quickly ducks behind the netting as Bill collapses onto the floor, snoring loudly.
Phil: ....Guess we better end this thing.
Jon is suddenly tackled down to the ground by Pinkie Pie, who hops up onto his chest.
Pinkie Pie [Boisterously]: HEWWO!!
Jon: YOU FUCKING BITCH!!
A shrill horn blares out and Phil turns around: Dave is slowly driving up Beale Street in a bright red golfcart, repeatedly honking his horn. Phil laughs in disbelief, jogging towards the golf-cart.
Phil: Dave, where the fuck did you get the golf-cart??!
Dave [Hastily]: The same place you got Mjolnir: The fucking department store down the road. HOP IN, ASSHOLE!
Phil: Will do.
Phil climbs into the passengers seat of the golf cart as Dave hands him a baseball bat. Phil takes it, grasping the handle tightly.
Dave [Determined]: Let's finish this.
Dave pushes his foot down, the golfcart slowly moving forward.
Phil [Impatiently]: Is this how fast the fucking thing goes?!
Dave: Shut up! It's all I could find!
Ahead of them, Jon is still laying on his back, groaning loudly as Pinkie Pie trots over, hopping onto his chest and pressing her hooves against his cheek.
Pinkie Pie [Sweetly]: Now, about your eyes.
Jon [Angrily]: THESE EYES ARE NOT FOR SALE!! At least…not yet….Well, if you make an offer, I suppose—
Dave puts his foot down, driving the golfcart forward as Phil leans out, clutching the baseball bat.
Phil [Grinning]: Let’s hit a home run, Dave!
Dave: Don’t miss, Limey. Don’t. Fucking. Miss.
As the golf-cart passes the pony, Phil swings the bat forward, cracking it against Pinkie Pie’s muzzle and sending her rolling backwards across the sands. Phil raises the bat high.
Dave: Spartan’s didn’t use baseball bats, Phil. Gimme that.
Dave snatches the bat off of Phil, moving it to his left hand as they pass Will wrestling with the giant tube of lube, slamming it against the side of the tube which topples instantly. Will collapses backwards shortly afterwards, snoring loudly with a tranquilizer dart in the side of his neck.
Dave [Laughing]: HA! SAVED YOUR ASS!!!
Phil grunts loudly, a tranquilizer dart embedding into his neck before he rolls out of the golfcart lifelessly.
Dave [Whooping]: WOOHOO! I AM KING! I AM—Phil?
Dave looks over his shoulder, stopping the golfcart.
Pinkie Pie suddenly leaps onto the bonnet of the golf cart, smiling sweetly.
Pinkie Pie: I like your eyes.
Pinkie Pie smashes her hoof through the windshield, shattering the glass instantly. Dave screams wildly before grabbing her hoof, pulling her forward and grabbing her mane.
Dave [Angrily]: LIKE THIS, MOTHERFUCKER!!
Dave grasps her mane tighter, repeatedly slamming her head down into the dashboard.
Pinkie Pie: Owie ow ow o wow!!
Dave: I! WILL! NOT! BE! A! CUPCAKE!!
Pinkie Pie [Crying]: Stop hurting me!! T_T
Dave [Baring his teeth and growling angrily]: I! HATE! EMOTICONS! AND! PONIES!
Dave slams her head once more off the dashboard before reaching between his legs, pulling out his MP443 Grach pistol and aiming it between the ponies eyes.
Pinkie Pie: Pwease?
Dave [Angrily]: MY NAME IS DAVID JACKSCAR AND I SHALL HAVE! MY!! REVEEEEEENGE!!
Dave’s face grows a gristly brown goatee, and he blinks, suddenly noting that he’s wearing a leather jacket with Soviet collar tabs and shoulder boards over a striped shirt, resembling Victor Reznov from the Call of Duty series. Pinkie Pie scuttles backwards, groaning.
Pinkie Pie [Shakily]: …Must…make…cupcakes…
Dave: Take two.
Dave puts the Grach between his legs before pulling it out, aiming it between Pinkie Pie’s eyes.
Dave [Loudly and triumphantly]: MY NAME! IS VICTOR!! REZNOV!! AND I!!! SHALL HAVE!! MY!!! REEEEEEEEEVEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNGEEEEEE!!!!!!!
Dave pulls the trigger, blowing Pinkie Pie’s brains violently over the front of the golf cart as she slumps down, dead with the back of her skull resembling mincemeat with shards of bleached bone sticking out of the candy pink flesh. Dave rubs the blood from his face, grinning darkly.
Dave: Fuck yeah.
Dave blinks,looking over his shoulder at the tranquilizer dart now embedded in his neck.
Dave [Mumbling]: Dave sleepy. Nap nap time now….NO! REZNOV CANNOT SLEEP!
A second dart zips into his neck.
A third dart hits his neck as his tongue lolls out of his mouth.
Dave [Inanely]: Arble…abrbeba…..Renov…eznov…Vonezr….Reznov…
A fourth dart hits his neck.
Dave [Determined]: REVE--
A fifth dart hits his neck as he slumps forward unconscious, his face pressing against the horn and causing a loud, constant drone to blare out.
*The Lamb and Flag*
In the Lamb and Flag, every mercenary is now laid out on the floor, the square tables set around the outside of the bar as Dick stands behind the bar, cleaning a crystal tankard as he looks down at them. Tavi and Courtney are leant against the bar, rifles leant against the bar next to them as they scan the mercenaries. That Random Guy, That Other Random Guy, Bobby, Johan, Stoofer and Mustafa are sat at the bar, looking over their shoulders as Maurice walks out of the kitchen, apron slung over his shoulder.
Maurice [Quietly]: 'Ere, lassies, how are they doing?
Tavi: They'll live.
Courtney: A bit bloodied and battered, but they'll live.
Maurice: Wish I drank some of that water, like.
Tavi [Smirking]: Same here, Maur.
Lynch, splayed on the floor between Frank and Dave, groans loudly, his hands automatically slapping over his eyes as he rubs them. On instinct, several mercenaries emit tired groans, bodies shaking, hands slapping faces awake, and belches being emitted as they begin to finally awaken from their tranquilized stupor.
Tavi [Chuckling]: So, the mercenaries are awake.
A loud groaning goes up.
Courtney: SHUT UP!
On instict, Lynch's eyes snap open and he sits up quickly, glaring at Courtney.
Courtney [Timidly]: ...Sir...I meant shut up, sir.
Lynch groans loudly, rubbing his jaw and rubbing his eyes.
Lynch [Groaning]: ...Fuck..what happened?..
Tavi: You were drugged. The hallucinations are over now.
Lynch smacks his lips, scratching his lower back.
Lynch: Did we...win?
Tavi: Define 'win'.
Lynch [Impatiently]: Are the invaders who disturbed our peace FUCKING DEAD?!
Tavi: Oh, yes, definitely.
Lynch looks over at Bobby, That Random Guy and That Other Random Guy, narrowing his eyes.
Lynch [Quietly]: What the fuck are they doing here? They didn't even bother to fight.
That Random Guy [Shrugging]: We heard about it, and wanted to help the girls transport your sad bodies back to the pub.
That Other Random Guy: Yeah...plus, we were promised booze.
Bobby: I had shit to do.
Lynch: Shit more important than tearing people apart?!
Bobby: Considering we've got a fighter jet to finish? Yes. Someone has to stay and finish it, as opposed to interjecting themselves in business!
Lynch [Shrugging]: One day you'll get your chance to shine, Bobby.
Bobby [Scathingly]: Bite me, asshole.
Several mercenaries begin to stir. Phil slowly arches his back before sitting up, rubbing his eyes and smacking his lips.
Phil [Grunting]: ...Shit, I was fighting My Little Ponies...
Karab grasps Phil's left shoulder, grasping it and pulling himself into a sitting position.
Karab [Groaning]: ....I was a Gropegas for Inglip.
Tavi: Are you all alright?
Lynch [Groaning loudly]: ..My head..my fucking head…
Bill suddenly sits up, screaming violently and flailing his arms.
Bill [Screaming]: FUCKBITCHFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!!!!!!!
Bill suddenly quietens down, looking around.
Bill: Oh, she's gone.
Vince [Hissing quietly]: I'll never forgive you for that..
Bill [Shrugging]: Ain't my fault you make a decent shield.
Ivan [Groaning]: Damn..head hurts..
Jericho: Join the club, you crazy bastard.
That Random Guy [Chuckling]: You guys should see the mess you've left..
Lynch: Say wha'?
Bobby: Nice work, I have to admit.
Jon slowly sits up, cricking his neck from side to side.
Jon: ....Fucking hell, anyone else got the munchies still?
Brick quickly snaps up into a sitting position.
Brick [Excitedly]: STEAK?!
Jon [Underwhelmed]: ...No, Brick.
Tavi moves away from the bar, making a come hither motion. Frank and Lynch walk outside first, with Tavi leading Jon, Brick, Bill, Vince, Jericho, Ivan, Phil, Karab, Dean and Samuel outside, the others still stirring. As Dean and Samuel walk through the door, a confused Frank walks back inside, clutching a cardboard box in his hands that had been left on the doorstep of the Lamb and Flag.
Stoofer: What's that?
Frank [Confused]: ..Don't know...was dumped outside...
Frank rattles the box slightly, causing Johan to hiss between his front teeth.
Johan [Hastily]: Merde! Don't shake it! There might be a bomb in it!
Frank: Sounds empty to me..
Johan sighs, shaking his head as Samuel shuts the door behind him. Outside, the mercenaries are scanning over Beale Street: The entire street is littered with blood and the bodies of PMC’s. The very sand itself covering the concrete has either blown away to reveal the cold grey concrete, or has congealed with an obscene amount of crimson blood. Twisted and mangled limbs are scattered across the sands, laying amongst shards of bone and strings of blood and mucus. Bodies, often mangled and some with their skulls shattered to the point of being unrecognisable, lay in the quiet streets, motionless except for their desert fatigues and combat vests rustling in the soft wind. A few charred limbs and bodies are scattered close to the Lamb and Flag, amongst scarlet, gore-slicked bones. Lynch's mouth hangs open in horror, while the rest of the mercenaries seem neutral to it all, albeit most of them remaining silent in the shock and horror at the chaos and destruction caused by their own hands.
Dean [Disturbed]: Holy..fucking...shit...
Phil [Shakily]: ….Oh…You mean we weren’t necessarily hallucinating?...
Tavi: You just ripped apart an entire platoon of PMC’s. Literally.
Lynch doubles over, vomiting onto the floor.
Lynch wipes his mouth, looking up.
Lynch: ….Never forget it, men….Never forget the day we lost our innocence..
The mercenaries remain silent.
Jon [Bluntly]: Well, i'm not cleaning this mess up.
Lynch swallows, rubbing his brow as he looks over the carnage. Vince himself jogs to the side, doubling over and vomiting as the sickly-sweet smell of blood and torn flesh starts to get to him.
Brick [Breathlessly]: Doggone...we really did it..
Lynch [Quietly]: Callahay's going to be fucking pleased, that's for sure....sick fuck..
Jon: Seriously, who cleans this mess up?
Jericho [Quietly]: Academy does. We call out for cleaners, they make sure it isn't reported and make sure the bodies disappear.
The mercenaries fall silent once more, apart from Vince's repeated dry heaves.
Karab [Shakily]: ..Lynch...What now?..
Lynch [Rubbing his brow]: ...All we can do is reassure ourselves that it was them or us...It hurts to say it, but that's the truth..They ambushed us..we were drugged...We.....fuck, I feel like a monster..
Ivan [Quietly]: Sir, that's war.
Lynch [Sighing]: I guess...
Tavi: 'That's war'? That's quite a sick attitude to take. You just tore apart--
Ivan [Snapping]: And if ve didn't kill zem, zey vould have killed us!!
Jon [Interrupting]: …..Anybody up for a drink?
Bill: Oo! Me!
Phil: May as well..
Lynch [Sighing]: ...Yeah, let's go.
The mercenaries turn around, walking back through the doors and into the Lamb and Flag. Tavi growls, rubbing her eyes, but follows them back inside.
Jon [Calling out]: GUYS! I MEANT--Ah, fuck it, who cares?
Jon follows them into the Lamb and Flag, slamming the doors shut behind him. Lynch walks over to a table which Frank is sat at, staring at the top of. Lynch nods at him. The rest of the mercenaries have awoken, with Phil and Jericho helping Steve up to his feet, the final mercenary to awaken.
Lynch: So, what’s in the box?
Lynch [Scathingly]: Then why haven't you opened it?!
Will, who has since awakened, walks over with a champagne flute full of Babycham, taking a quick sip.
Will [Mockingly]: Because he forgot how to!
Frank [Bitterly]: Fuck off, Will.
Will laughs loudly, shaking his head as Robbie walks over, grasping a chair opposite Frank and wrenching it out, sitting down in it.
Lynch [Ruffling Robbie's hair]: There's the little psychotic bastard!
Robbie [Bitterly]: Don't touch me.
Frank sighs and shuffles forward. He slips his hand under the lid and pries open the flaps of the box, looking inside and retching, moving away. Lynch looks into the box, his right eye twitching.
Lynch [Retching slightly]: What the hell?! IS THIS A FUCKING JOKE?!
Within the box is a lone eye attached to an optical nerve. A pale, blue eye. Phil strolls over nonchalantly, getting on his tiptoes and looking over Lynch’s shoulder.
Phil [Yelping]: OH MY FUCKING GOD!!! PINKIE PIE LIVES!!!
Bill, hearing the commotion, walks over and looks in the box.
Bill [Wincing]: Aw, dude, what the FUCK?!
Lynch: Looks like there's a note!
Phil: Don't tell me someone lost it and they want it back?!
Sal walks over, looking over Bill's shoulder.
Sal [Taken aback]: Oh good God!
Lynch slowly reaches into his back, tapping the eye which lets out a squelching sound. Sal spins around, doubling over and vomiting on the floor. Steve and Jericho walk over, also getting on their tiptoes and noticing the eye.
Jericho [Disturbed]: ...Good God..
Steve remains silent in shock as Karab, Dean and Samuel now crowd around, followed by Jon, Brick and Vince.
Vince [Disturbed]: OH MY GOD!!
Robbie [Taken aback]: The bastards!
Dave walks over behind Robbie, looking over him.
Dave [Disgusted]: Aw man, what the fuck?!
Lynch takes out a small note underneath the eye, pulling it out and unfolding it, reading the scrawls upon the paper as the color begins to drain from his face.
Dean [Nervous]: What is it?
Phil [Quietly]: Fucking hell..
Bob walks over, noticing the eye, causing him to stand frozen. Stoofer, Johan and Mustafa walk over, noticing the eyeball.
Johan [Gravely]: What on Earth..
Lynch [Reading aloud]: 'To the mercenaries, while you were busy destroying the sacrificial lambs we placed in your path, we kidnapped two of your beloved comrades: Billy Wallace and a young Hispanic gentleman..We recommend you do not try and rescue them, or else they will be executed violently and their bodies paraded to the United Nations as a sign of what happens when their peacekeeping units attempt to undermine Ocelot and the Patriots. They shall be used to persuade your beloved leader to stand down and allow Ocelot to take full control of the Middle East and the benefits of its war economy. Should she fail to comply within seventy-two hours, both men will be executed. We recommend that you petition to your leader, unless you want the blood of two soldiers..on your hands...'
Johan: WHAT?! NO! NOT *Beep*! WE JUST LEFT HIM IN THE GARAGE!
Vince [On the verge of tears]: But Billy--We jus--And he was---And--
Frank [Gulping]: Billy...*Beep*...Lynch, what do we do? What can we do?!
Bobby rubs his bald head before slamming his fists noisily against the table, tearing a chunk of wood out of it in pure anger.
Bobby [Angrily]: FUCK! THIS WAS MY FAULT! FUCK!
Stoofer [Breathlessly]: Ese, calm down..Calm down..
Bobby [Quietly, Shakily, clutching his head in his hands]: I just--An hour ago--Left---Just....GODDAMMIT!!
Stoofer slaps his arm around Bobby's neck, pulling him close and trying to calm him down as That Random Guy and That Other Random Guy remain silent, their heads hung. Sal appears to have been struck hardest by the news, having walked backwards away from the group and is sitting on a stool, sitting with his heads in hands and occasionally shaking with sobs as Tavi rubs his back soothingly.
Frank [Gulping]: ........We.....failed...
Vince lays his forehead against Brick's back, closing his eyes and shaking his head as Brick looks on, the normally hyperactive son of the South appearing grave and quiet as he looks down at the box. Bobby appears to be on the verge of his tears, his fists clenched and his knuckles rubbing against his face as he tries to claw back the tears.
Jericho [Grimly]: ....Billy....fuck..*Beep*....for fucks sake....We just let them.....fuck...
Jon [Quietly]: We.......for Gods sake.....
The entire room suddenly falls deathly silent, aside from the occasional sob by Sal, and a new feeling spreads across the mercenaries: Despair. They exchange nervous looks and glances with eachother as Lynch lowers his head, giving a deep sniffle and rubbing his eyes. The mercenaries, having never seen weakness in their leader, seem even more shaken by this display of weakness. Not only have Billy Wallace and That Hispanic Guy been taken hostage, but now their own leader has been forced to tears. Not one word is uttered until Lynch slowly raises his head. A look of pure rage crosses every nook of his features, a look that he has never replicated, not even at times when his own company dug under his skin. Lynch's fist clenches, crumpling the paper before he drops it. Of the mercenaries, Will is the first to open his mouth.
Will [Quietly]: ...Boss...What do we do now?..
The mercenaries are taken aback by Will's solemn nature, but their heads lift, their eyes focusing on their leader. Lynch remains silent for a few moments before rubbing his eyes, looking across his company.
Lynch [Shaking with anger]: ....We have received the eye of Billy Wallace....They have kidnapped *Beep* .... Ladies, Gentlemen...Our days of peace and quiet are no more. With this act, Praying Mantis, and thus Ocelot, have just entered war with us. There is no turning back now. I will not back down. I will not bow to their whim. We are marching to war, and we are bringing our boys home at any and all cost. I will contact Mother, and I will get the permissions and the means to mobilise immediately...We..are at..war..
The mercenaries exchange uneasy, nervous glances as the scene fades to black.