Chapter V - Happiness Is A Warm Killer Bipedal Nuclear Walking Robot

The scene opens up with our beloved klutzes in an area which should never be entrusted to gunhappy morons such as these: Nuclear Warhead Storage. As the huge door behind them slides shut, shutting out the white-out inducing blizzard which could freeze the weakest man, our Mercenaries, in their large, Assault-rifle toting group, stand there, looking down the concrete slope at the grey, yet olive-green tinted blast door from the neon lights above it.

Lynch: Ok, you morons, listen up..This is where they store Nuclear Warheads. Now, I have rules..Rule One: If any of you discharge a gun, I will slice off your balls. Rule Two: Someone is with Ivan all the time. If he grabs C4, pounce him, last thing we need is to in the epicentre of a nuclear detonation. Rule Three: No drinking the water. RUle Four: Steve, do not hug the warheads. These things can mutate cells, the last thing I want is another member of the Unit with tentacles..

Bob sighs

Bob: I miss her.

Lynch: SHUT UP! Do you all have that?

Mercenaries: Yup.

Dean: But what if someone shoots us? Can't we shoot back?

Brick: We're mercenaries..We do what we do best

Phil: Fight dirty?

Brick: Nope, we run like cowards!

Steve: I like that..

Bill: Sounds good to me!

Lynch: ...Glad to hear, you worthless sacks of fucking--On we go!

The group walk forward, underneath the shadow of a huge iron-grate catwalk to their upper right. As soon as they reach the bottom of the slope, they face every mercenaries most dangerous enemy: Unopening doors.

Lynch: Steve? Little help?

Steve shakes his head

Steve: Manual control needed. No Keycard to open this one.

Ivan: I blow it up?!?!

Jericho: NO!!!

Ivan whines.

Lynch: Ok..manual control..

Dave raises his gun. Lynch turns to him, bares his teeth and growls. Dave quickly lowers his gun. Lynch tilts his head, looking at the door. Frank tilts his head too. The mercenaries watch.

Jericho: Nowt like watching 2 absolute divs try and figure out how to open a door.

Lynch: If only we had..JOHAN!

Silence. Lynch raises his arms to the air.

Lynch: JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Silence.

-Underground Base-

We cut to a shot of Johan, Big Bad Bobby, Stoofer and That Hispanic Guy, tightening nuts and bolts on the giant, club-like steel foot of Metal Gear REX, the rest of the robot conveniently obscured by giant steel catwalks and green titanium grips holding the robot in place. Johan wipes his hands with an oily rag and turns to Liquid Snake, whos' watching intently

Johan: You say something, chief?

Liquid: Me? No. Why? You heard something too?

Johan: Yes, must have been Rex settling.

Liquid: I don't think Rex would go "Johaaaaaaaannnnnnn"

That Hispanic Guy: Imagine if it did, ese....Imagine if it did! You'd be big in Hispanic communities! You know, if they don't know you're trying to take over the world and nuke it and shit.

Liquid: Yes, well, we need no more praise from communities! We are our own people! We are Outer Heavan!

Stoofer looks around

Stoofer: Looks more like Outer Shitheap.

Liquid: SILENCE!!!! I KILL YOU!!!!

Stoofer growls, grabs Rex's foot and starts to lift it up. Liquid screams

Liquid: OK! PUT IT DOWN! PUT IT DOWN!

Bobby: Maricon.

Liquid: What you say?

Stoofer grabs REXs foot again, and Liquid screams, running out of the Underground Maintenance door

-Back at Warhead Storage-

Lynch: I got nothing.

Silence. The mercenaries all look around helplessly

Jericho: Defeated by a frickin’ door..

Sal: I have a plan!

A lightbulb appears above Sals head and switches on. Lynch grabs the lightbulb, squeezes and crushes it into metal and glass shards with his hands, failing to notice the blood pouring from his right palm

Frank: Uhh..Lynch? Hand.

Lynch licks the palm of his hand. They all wince.

Maurice: Dude..fahckin nasty..

Steve: ….Ew.

Lynch smeers the blood all over his face, staring at the door

Lynch: O__O….=_=….GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He lowers his head, charges forward and hits the door. His bald head does nothing to give an impact, and instead the door simply thuds and Lynch falls backwards. They all look down at him.

Phil: He should really stop doing that.

Sal: No..I like him when he’s KEERRRRAAAZZZZZYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

Silence. Everyone stares at Sal.

Karab: Moron.

Sal: Fuckmook.

Bill: Cockwipe.

Steve: I have idea!

Everyone turns to Steve.

Steve: ..Only kidding. I’m hungry, and I think I smell chips on the other side of the door..

Maurices eyes widen.

Maurice: ……CHIPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maurice screams and charges forward, slamming into the door at such high speeds that it bends backwards, snaps off it’s hydraulics and falls to the floor, the open doorway now covered in steel, plaster, and a thick spraying of CO2.

Steve: Plan worked. Let’s roll.

Frank: That’s good enough for me!

All of the mercenaries stroll through the door, through the CO2 spray and into the nuclear warhead storage warehouse.

The warehouse is gigantic. Vast. The warheads to their left, some covered in khaki tarpaulins, some exposing their steel shells and black explosive markings with warning indicators, are proof of this warehouse being used to store the warheads for Metal Gear REX. Past the warheads lies the ascending metal staircase, erected by high steel girders, and the left side resting comfortable against the concrete wall. Following the gridded-steel catwalk and the metal handrail, in the dead-centre of the second floor are two, grey-blue heavy metal elevator doors, with the indicative stencil of “EV” painted onto the right-hand door. A bell pings somewhere inside the warehouse, echoing throughout the vast warehouse, indicating the elevator has started it’s descent to a lower floor.

Lynch: Now…remember. NO firing weapons. Snakes obviously gone there-

He swipes his arm and points a hand at the upper-floor elevator doors

Lynch: And we need to follow suit without attracting suspicion. Ideas?

Phil points to their right: A large grey truck is parked there, much like a clone of the truck in the Heliport, out-of-place, the rear of the truck open and agape, revealing a lone cardboard box covered in a white sheet as it’s sole cargo.

Lynch: The fuck are we supposed to with that?

Phil: Drive like the wind!

Jericho: Uh-huh..and how we do reach a lower floor?

Maurice: Aye, floor it into the wall below the elevator?

Phil nods, grinning

Mr. Dibbley: I kind of like--

Lynch: How about we move before I slice your face open so deep you’ll resemble an ass?

Silence.

Phil: …..Sounds like we’re moving!

Mr. Dibbley: He’s a charming man, isn’t he?

Lynch: Fuck off, Pingu.

The mercenaries, in their group, walk forward barely two steps before a guard stands in front of Lynch, FAMAS raised and pointed at Lynch. The mercenaries swiftly point their guns at the guard. The guard is dressed differently, clothed in dull yellow, an almost gangrenous colour, with a black combat vest, leg holster and ammo belt. Notably, the major addition to the uniform is a yellow hood attached to the uniform, covering the back of the head and hair, and an eerie black gas mask.

Guard: Awfully big group………………..infidel.

Lynch: Yes, well---Say what?

Guard: Travelling heavy and with a penguin?...............................infidel.

Karab: Are you a Muslim?

Guard: No………………………………………infidel

Ivan: Have ve stepped onto ze property of Westboro Baptist Church?

Jericho looks at Ivan, and raises his hand to take the smouldering remains of his cigar out of his mouth.

Ivan: Vat?

Jericho: Wanna make a good impression….that cunt hates cigarettes.

Ivan: No, he hates fa—AH, yes, you’re British.

Jericho: Manchester born and bred, baby…..Now, are we fucked?

Guard: I think I know the intruder…………………………………………..infidel?

Lynch: Our unit number is M-two-five-six-eight. Group leader is Marcus Lynch. Group second in command is Frank Daniels. Tech support number T-two-five-three-four, Steve Llarec.

Guard: I vill check………………………………………….infidel.

Lynch: Gotcha……………………….douchebag.

Bill: Yes…………………………..cocksucker.

Guard: You say something, infi—

Dave runs to the side of the guard, charges at him and kicks him full force in the head. The guard does a sideflip and hits the floor, either dead or incredibly comatosed.

Lynch: FUCKING HELL!!! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!!!

Dave stops and thinks

Dave: Fun.

Maurice: Good crack, moosh! Now lets get tha fahck outta here!

Phil: Hang on….can we leave this poor, hard-working soldier here?

Frank: No, we can’t.

Brick walks towards them, carrying some rope from a tarpaulin and grinning

=5 minutes later=

Lynch leans forward and presses the button of the elevator, which lights up. Behind them, dangling from the railing by one foot and suspended seven feet over the solid concrete floor, hangs the guard, tied with the rope Brick had from the khaki tarpaulin. Noteably, Steve has his left shoe in his hand, while the guards gas mask has been taken off, a permanent marker moustache and beard drawn onto him. As the mercenaries wait silently, the creaking of the extra weight on the hand-railing is heard.

Bob: So…y’all looking forward to going home to the gi—

All: No.

Bob: Only me—

All: YES!

Bob: Just checking…just checking…

Silence. Brick lifts his left leg and farts

Brick: WhooWEE! You smell that?

Lynch growls and turns his head to Brick. Brick keeps his face straight and lowers his head

Guard: WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? WHY AM I HANGING FROM A RAILING?!?!?! INTRUDERS! INTRUDERS! PROTECT YOUR LEADER!

Bill: Looks like we gotta fight!

Dave: BRACE YOURSELVES, LADS!

A true army of…two extra soldiers appear from the truck, putting down their newspapers, hitching up their pants and slowly walking under the catwalk, oblivious to the fact that there’s a set of metal stairs to the catwalk to their right directly near the truck. Ivan looks over the railing and grins, his hand moving down his belt

Ivan: KA—

Lynch grabs Ivan in a headlock and pulls him away from the railing

Lynch: BAD IVAN! VERY BAD IVAN!

The guards walk directly under their leader, and Steve grabs his knife and grabs the rope tying the leader to the railing. Instead, Karab and Dean vault over the railing, landing near the guards and grab them in headlocks, punching them wildly. Steve simply watches.

Steve: ……..Ok?

The rope snaps and the guard screams, hitting the floor with a thud.

Guard: ..My spleen!

Lynch: Maurice…You know what to do!

“Ride of the Valkyries” plays as Maurice walks to the railing above the downed guard. The guard looks up, mouth agape, as the shadow of Maurices beer belly falls over him

Guard: ………………………………………..SON OF A BI—

Maurice jumps over the railing and bellyflops onto the guard, squashing him and instantly killing him. Maurice stands up and walks around, back up the steps and to the mercenaries with a huge, red stain on the front of his uniform and the crushed form of a guard against him.

Vince: Nice, violent hug?

Maurice peels off the ultra-thin corpse of the guard and throws him over the balcony. Dean and Karab also join our mercenaries.

Dean: Sorted them.

They look over at one of the guards who is doubled over and pattering away from the building, screaming, pants around ankles, and the explosive warhead of a nuclear missile shoved straight up his ass.

Bill: Jesus, Dean!

Dean: I just pretended it was Sammy…Then I was reminded I couldn’t use guns so decided to violently humiliated him someway else!

Karab: I too humiliated my guard!

They look down and see the green, dried-out, shriveled corpse of a guard looking up at them, sheer look of terror to his face. On his chest is a High School Musical badge.

Sal: Oh come on Karab! That was banned under the Geneva Convention!

Bob: High School Musical..sucking the life out of people…

Phil: Literally!

The mercenaries turn to the elevator just as the doors slide open, and Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin stand there, grinning.

Silence.

Shelley gives a peace sign.

Silence.

Sabin: Sup?

Lynch: GET THE FUCK OUT! WE’RE ON A MISSION!

The Motor City Machineguns slowly sidle out of the elevator

Shelley: Ok, but if you don’t want to know why we’re here—

Dave: We don’t. Move.

Sabin: ….Dammit guys! This is plot relevancy shit here!

Dean: We have a plot?!?!

Mr. Dibbley: News to me, chaps.

Frank: Just…tell us. We’re not Sonichu. We have a fucking plot and reputation to uphold here.

Bob: Says the drunken hobo

Frank: I resent that remark!

Phil: Resent it all you want, rummy, we know it’s true

Sabin: GUYS! GAME HUDDLE!

The mercenaries and Motor City Machine Guns huddle into a large circle, putting their arms around eachothers backs

Sabin: Right, dudes, we’ve got a huge time-rift split. Seems like there might be a time limit.

Shelley: Yeah, the furry says so…..Oh yeah, Phil, Tavi told me tell you that if the rift gets any wider, she’ll be coming wearing nothing but an apron and carrying a tray of cookies

Silence.

Maurice: What type ah cookies?

Shelley: Tactical maneuvers state that chocolate chip in place

Mercenaries: Sweeeeeeeet

Phil: Even I like that!

Will: Naked ladyyyyyyy…

Lynch: C’mon morons, shut up..We need to know more

Maurice: Chocolate Chip. That is all.

Steve: I’m interested, Alex! Continue!

Sabin: Good. We’re here because the rift is not only cutting between here and reality, but between here, there and reality. It’s linking this place, Beale Street and Walkers Street, as well as reality.

Sabin: It’s kind of a big deal.

Shelley: Sure is, Chris. Sure is.

Frank: And?

Sabin: Rummy, if you don’t finish this mission soon, the rifts going to tear open and release some real end-of-days shit.

Frank: Yeah. Sure.

Shelley: Seriously, the furry lady says that if it rips any further, history will become involved, as well as other dimensions.

Brick: That a bad thing?

Mr. Dibbley: Well, imagine you fighting ten clones of yourself, as well as running away from a hoarde of angry Velociraptors. That, and the entire fabric of being as we know it just folding in on itself and crushing us and killing us in the most achingly violent way possible.

Phil: Sounds cool to me, lets motor.

Sabin: It could even open…Hells Gates!

Ominous bell. Everyone turns to Steve, next to whom a giant brass bell has appeared, and he has a giant drumstick

Steve: Sorry guys!

Steve shoves the bell away, crushing an advancing guard against a wall, killing him with a smear of blood across the wall

Phil: Then that technically means Heaven would open too…Ohhhhh! Armageddon! Yeah…that is actually slightly bad.

Will: Slightly? SLIGHTLY? WHAT’S WORSE THAN AN EPIC FINAL CLASH BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL CONSUMING THE WORLD?!!?!?!

Phil: Running out of beer.

Frank: I’ll second that.

Dean: Thirded.

Sal: Fourthed.

Jericho: Fifthed.

Bill: And sixthed.

Mr. Dibbley: Seventhed!--

Shelley: Guys! Game plan! We need to wrap this up or there will be no booze!

Silence. Frank runs from the huddle and pounds repeatedly on the elevators door.

Frank: OPEN! OPEN GODDAMMIT! OPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The doors slowly slide open

Drebins Voice: Over-react much, dog?

Shelley: So..guys. Go to B2, meet with Otacon and Snake, go to B1, go through the Snowy Cave Pass….after that, well…apparently, “time has to run its course”

Everyone looks up at Shelley, who shrugs.

Shelley: Well…….bye guys

The huddle disbands as Shelley and Sabin walk over to the railing

Lynch: What? You slapnuts ain’t helping us?

Shelley: LIKE FUCK! Hell, we’re creating another rift just to get back to our match against British Invasion! LATER!

A blue, swirling portal opens beneath the railing. Sabin divebombs into it and Shelley turns to them

Shelley: Stay cool, dudes, penguin and snake

Mr. Dibbley: Saaaaa right..

Shelley puts his hands together and dives into the portal

Shelley: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He dives in and the portal snaps shut with a small *pop*

Frank: That is seven kinds of messed up..

Lynch: You heard the idiots, you fucking retards!

They all huddle into the elevator, and the doors close

Will: So..

Silence. The elevator activates and starts going down the shaft.

Vince: Been a strange day--

The portal opens high above, and Shelleys head pops out

Shelley: GUYS! GUYS!

The mercenaries slowly look up. Phil, Steve, Dibbley, Brick, Sal, Karab, Will and Bob scream

Bob: IT’S A FACEHUGGER!! COMING TO RAPE OUR FACES!!!

They scream even louder. The huge bicep of Rob Terry appears from the portal and wraps around Shelleys neck

Shelley: GAHHHHHHHDAMNBRITINVASIONGODDAMMITGOTTAGOB2FILLEDWITHPOISONGASLOOKTHEFUCKOUTIGOTTAGOROBSKILLINGMEBYE!!!!

The bicep pulls Shelley back into reality, and the portal disappears with a *fizz*

Dave: ….The fuck did he say?

Lynch: Something about Brits, Poison and Robs killing him.

Frank: Sounds awfully kinky to me..

Bob: Let’s go, guys!

The elevator reaches B2, but the doors remain shut

Drebins Voice: Hold it, dudes, there’s poison gas in there. You need designated meatpuppets.

Lynch: Designated meatpuppets?!......Well, bye the rest of you!

Drebins Voice: No chance, daddy-o! You need 4 guys!

Lynch: …..Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighhtttt….so, who here’s the suicidal o—

Phil steps towards the elevators doors

Drebin: That’s one crazymotherfucker!

Lynch: Ok, now we need someone who’s batshit insane..

Sal steps forward.

Sal: HABLALALALALALALALALABLABBLABLABLAB!!!

Drebin: Two insane motherfuckers!

Lynch: We need someone who doesn’t give a shit about killing things…suppose we need a battering ram too….

Crazy Ivan and Obese Maurice step forward

Drebins Voice: Suh-weet! CRAZIES GONNA GO INTO THE GAS!

The doors quickly open, and all 4 of them hold their breath and walk into the oddly green-yellow gas. The doors quickly shut as the other mercenaries watch

Will: …Dude, colour scheme was totally whack.

Steve: Indeed..most gas is colourless..What the hell?

Lynch: Lets hope they can disable that generator..

=B2=

All 4 of them are standing there, cheeks puffed out, breath held, staring ahead as Snake is on one knee on his Codec, unaware of the mercenaries

Snake: Moe..Anything yet?

Maurice puts his hands together and slowly walks towards Snake, arms raised above his head and ready to club his back. Sal jumps on Maurice and pulls him back.

Moes Voice: I gotcha something Snake! HEY! GUYS! I SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOU!!!

The mercenaries slowly turn to the left and see the tiny form of Moe pressed against the see-through glass, patting at the glass. He’s wearing what must be the worlds smallest gas-mask and gangrenous yellow-hooded anti bio-chemical suit made famous by CBDC.

Moe: Can you guys breathe?

All 4 slowly shake their head.

Moe: Well…Can’t exactly break the generator myself.

Snake turns to them

Snake: ….You guys again.

They all nod, still holding their breathe and turning slightly blue

Snake: …Look, I know I’ve been an ass…

Sal waves his hand at him, smiling as if to wave it off

Snake: …but can you guys help me?

They nod.

Moe: Need you guys to find a remote-controlled missile and—

Without any warning, Phil grabs Sals arms, Maurice grabs his legs, and Ivan grabs Sal in a headlock. Sals screams are muffled, as he is deadly intent on holding his breath.

Maurice: MMMFFFF BCCCKFFFF!!!

Moe dives to the side dramatically, as the mercenaries charge forward in slow motion. Sals eyes widen and he quickly shuts them tightly as they charge towards the glass. Sals mouth widens as he cannot hold his breath any longer

Sal : Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk…………….

Ivan : KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM…………..

Time quickly speeds up again and rather than follow through the battering ram, they flip Sal into a backflip and throw him at the glass. Sal smashes through the glass and hits the generators flip-lever, pulling it down with his boxers as he falls and giving himself a wedgie

Sal: MOMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And with a resounding “click”, the air vents activate and the oddly-coloured gas starts to filter out of the room, replacing it with the fresh, cool oxygen from the snowy exterior of the base. Ivan, Maurice and Phil all take quick gulps of air. Snake simply patters off down the hallway, the other advantage being that the once-electrified floor has now been deactivated.

Maurice: Stuff of legends, mate! Ya ok, Moe?

Maurice walks over to the shards of glass and leans a hand down. Moes small arm grabs his hand, and pulls himself up. He quickly pulls of his gasmask, revealing the baby-like face of Moe Zacharius aka Moe the Midget, complete with bald head and the outlines of a shaved goatee adorning his face

Moe: Sup Wor Maur?? Sup guys?

Ivan is now skipping around, singing “The Sounds of Music” and pretending to throw out petals. Sal is on the floor, bleeding and unconscious.

Maurice: Ah think we killed tha poor blighter!

Phil: He’s not dead. He’s just pretending, isn’t that right, Sal?

Sal lets out a small sob

Phil: Told you!

Drebins Voice: SHEEEEEIIITTTTT!!! I thought y’all would be victim to the gas! Ah well!

The elevator doors slide open, accompanied by the scene of Brick opening his arms

Brick: Open….Sessapaloo!

Dean: It’s open sesame, Brick.

Brick: Open…mamashakalakaboo!

Lynch shoves past Brick and into the coridoor, breathing the air. He lets out a small smile.

Will: Air is Lynch approved!…But to Will, it smells like someone shit themse---Oh! Hi Sal!

Sal: Fuck off….I’m hurt…

The mercenaries quickly exit the elevator. Jericho restrains Ivan in a violent headlock.

Jericho: SOMEBODY SYRINGE HIM! GUYS A FUCKING NANCY FRUITCAKE WITHOUT HIS MEDS!

Bob rushes over and grabs a syringe from Ivans belt. Ivan stops struggling and gives a wide grin at Bob, revealing many chipped, broken and missing teeth.

Ivan: Whyyyyy helllooooooooooooooooo………….BOB!

Bob: Ok, you are officially starting to freak me the fuck out. Jabbety.

Bob jams the syringe into Ivans neck and presses the plunger. Ivans eyes glaze over and he lets out a long, deep sigh.

Frank: Soldier? You snapped out of it?

Ivan looks up

Ivan: Da.

Lynch: Lets go..

The mercenaries all shoulder their weapons, the magazines of their assault rifles (And Moes Desert Eagle) rattle with a resounding echo

Mercenaries: OO-RAH!

They walk down the coridoors and to the left, meeting a level 3 door. Dave laughs and shoots the control panel, making it slide open

Dave: What kind of retard would use a cardkey, eh?!

They walk forward into a tiny room, passing one of the gas ventilation systems, and laugh amongst themselves…until they open the next door, turn left and open the door riddled with bullet holes.

The door slides open, and what greets our mercenaries is a sight which could break even the most weakest man. Bodies,each dressed in the Nuclear Warhead Storage uniform, have been hacked and slashed. Their bodies are lined against the walls and floors in odd poses, many on their knees, their chests slashed open and revealing grinning white ribs amidst the still freshly-dripping gore from the wounds. Pink and brown intestines litter the floor like bloody confetti. Guards, grinning at the mercenaries through throats slit with a ruby-red carve. Blood has spattered the walls and floor, pooling and smearing the once-grey metal with shades of scarlet and ruby, and the occasional yellow when the neon light from the hanging light tubes reflect off of them. The door opening also greets the sickly sweet smell of blood and gore.

Somehow, our mercenaries simply stand there, straight-faced...except for Will, who has just passed out.

Lynch: ....Looks like we were late for the party

Phil: Y’know..I heard when guys die, they shit themselves..

Steve: Muscles loosening?

Phil: Yeah....but I smell no shit..I see intestines, through.

Phil points at one such bunch of bright pink fleshy intestines snaking out of the nearest corpses stomach through it’s cover of bright red scraps of flesh and gore.

Dave: Better them than us.

Frank: S-spoken like a true me-mer-mercenary...Let’s go..

Lynch: Hang on.....WHats got with you, for fucks sake?

Fank: J-just a horrid site...awful..god-awful..and the smell..when did blood smell so sweet?

Steve: The iron and chemicals in the blood..

Lynch: This is war, Frank. People die all the time. Bullets, bombs...That could’ve been us. Does it look like us?

Frank: N-no..

Lynch: Then be thankful and stop being afraid. Remember, you’re either safe in your group, or your dead. If your safe, don’t be afraid. If your dead, you can’t be afraid.

Sal slowly raises his hand

Sal: Can I be second in charge—

Lynch: NO! FRANK IS ALRIGHT!

Frank: It’s not us..It’s not us..

Lynch: We’re mercenaries. We get paid to do this to other people. Get used to it. Our kind are reviled all over the world, but it’s a living.

Dave: An office job is a living too-

Frank: Yeah..but this is what we’re doing for money..the hired guns of a madman, protecting a young warrior on his way.

Will, who is now conscious, puts his head against the nearby wall and closes his eyes

Will: Wake me when Confucious finishes!

Dave: Yeah, but what about people who work fifty to sixty years in the same office, paid low wages, giving a paltry pension and sent on their way afterwards? Are we the villains for keeping a job? Or are they for not changing?

Frank: You can’t comp—

Dean: Two sides of the same coin, Frank. It’s fight or flight. Kill or be killed. Mercenary way, always has been.

Frank: ...Let’s do this.

Phil: Think about Mantis..c’mon , Jerry

Phil pats Jericho on the shoulder, and he opens his eyes and jumps

Jericho: Right as rain!

Lynch pushes Frank first into the coridoor. Frank shrugs and walks forward, ignoring the splashing sound as his black boots are coated in other soldiers blood.

Lynch: MENNAH!!! FORWARD A BOOGIE!!!

Sal: I am not crazy here..

Lynch walks out next, followed by the rest of the mercenaries. Mr. Dibbley gets on his tip.............flippers, and looks at the nearby corpse of a guard who’s intestines are on the floor

Mr. Dibbley: A big blade to cause a cut this deep, chaps! Be on guard!

Moe: Maurice...you think it’s a demon?

Maurice: Nah, bud..Demons are propah not real, like.

Moe gulps

Moe: I hope so..

Phil walks forward and steps on a guards intestines.

Phil: Goddammit.

Phil kicks his shoe against the floor, but the intestines are stuck firmly on the sole of his shoe

Phil: Fucking Christ-Jerry, little help?

Jericho looks back, and down at his shoe, grinning

Jericho: .........No!

Phil: Dammit!

Phil keeps stamping on the floor. Ivan walks to he left, away from the huddle, and puts his foot on one part of the intestines. He holds it down as Phil scrapes it off against a wall, leaving a brown and red smear

Phil: Thanks dude..Jesus, wish these guys would shit before they die

Ivan looks down at his shoe

Ivan: Ahh..mothervucker..

Phil: HA! ZING!

Frank stops, and so does the group. Ahead of them is a blind corner.

Frank: I sense that around this corner....lies an evil, foul presence..

Sal: Oh fuck, it’s Raven

Will jumps up

Will: WHERE?!?!?!

Dave grabs his shoulders to stop him jumping

Dave: Hold it, studly!

Brick: Ah crap, it ain’t the Banana Man, is it?

Bob: Banana....Man?

Phil: Cousin of Pickle Man and Brother of Strawberry Man?

Lynch: I want to know what the hell you fucktards are on about..

Brick: Every Halloween.,..rumours swirl about the Food Family coming out and....MURDERING PEOPLE!

Dramatic synthesizer music. Everyone sighs and turns to Steve, who is sitting at a giant synthesizer.

Steve: ...Sorry guys!

Steve throws the synthesizer to the side, smashing through the wall and disappearing

Lynch: Whatever..there’s no such thing as—

Frank: GHOST!!!!!

Frank screams as a body slowly staggers into view, and jumps into the arms of Lynch.

Lynch: It’s just a wounded soldier, men! Show your resp—

All of a sudden, the mercenaries at the front of the huddle: Dean, Karab, Jericho, Dave and Mr. Dibbley, open fire with their FAMAS. The wounded soldier convulses violently over the hail of the bullets, and shudders to the floor, letting out a gigantic pool of blood as he collapses, dead. The mercenaries keep firing at the body.

Lynch: HOLD FIRE YOU FUCKNUTS!!!

Silence. Mr. Dibbley toddles forward, pulls a pistol out of his belt, and shoots the corpse a few times.

Mr. Dibbley: He’s done, chaps!

Silence.

Lynch: Well, if we weren’t cowards before, we are now!

Dave: What cowards?! He scared us into tactically opening fire!

Lynch: He was fucking wounded! He was stumbling and clutching his gut!!!

Phil: ...He coulda had the shits!

Frank jumps out of Lynchs arms, picking up hios FAMAS Assault Rifle which he dropped to the ground

Frank: E-enough men....FORWARD!!!!

The group slowly walks forward, ignoring the fact that the liver of a guard on the ceiling above is dripping blood onto them. Jericho looks up.

Jericho: ...the fuck are we dealing with?

Ivan: Vemember the ninja?

The mercenaries shudder

Will: Y’all loved to see my impeccable abs and my guns. Get it right. Next time i’ll shake my boot-ay!

Bob stops and vomits noisily onto the ground

Will: .....You pussy.

They advance and turn around the blind left corner. This short span of coridoors has at least three dead bodies on it, and one the floor, barely breathing, a huge gash eviscerating through his body, revealing the ribcage and the edge of his somehow still-beating heart.

Ivan: How is he still alive...

Jericho: Looks like Mantis got ‘im

Soldier: .....nja...

Lynch: What you say?

Soldier: .....nnja...

Dean: Huh?

Soldier: Fucktards.

The soldiers head collapses to the side as he dies.

Jericho: Did he call us ginger?

Will: I think he said “whinger”

Lynch: Well, whate—

The door, riddled with bullets and smeared with blood, slides open and a rough outline of the Ninja zooms out, screaming at the top of its lungs

Ninja: I’M IN YOUR BASE KILLING J00R DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He swoops past the mercenaries without so much as slicing a hair on their head, and zooms out of earshot.

Frank: ....Right

The mercenaries walk into the door, guns simply left swinging across their bodies having deduced there couldn’t possibly be a living threat in the area.

Otacons office is nothing more than a cluttered office. Several metal desks line the centre of the room near what seems to be a cubicle-style parting with shattered windows. The battle between Snake and the Ninja has left chairs overturned, PCs smashed, a small room with windows to the upper left housing several towering green-glassed supercomputers left with windows shattered. Posters advertising various Japanese anime surround the northerly computer units, complete with scrolling code. Our hero himself, Solid Snake, is standing, staring at a pair of lockers. One locker door is open, and other closed with a large, yellow puddle of piss soaked into the blue carpet.

Will: That’s classy..fucking dirty bastard.

Moe: Looks like someone couldn’t keep it in..

Snake: ...That Ninja....Grey Fox...

Lynch : Who’s Grey Fox?

Steve: Some mercenary for the old Outer Heaven..blown apart with a mine when he was an experimental supersoldier who was drugged to the gonads with steroids and the like..guess he’s a Ninja Robot now..

Lynch: .....Yeeahh...

The mercenaries watch as Snake approaches the locker

Snake: .....How long are you going to stay in there?

Scientist : Huh? ...are you one of them?

Snake: ...Fucking puss-No, I'm not. I always work alone.

Scientist : Alone?....Are you an Otaku too?

Lynch: I heard it! Get out your Gaian beating sticks boys, WE HAVE AN OTAKU!!!!

The scientist cries out, another puddle of piss appearing near the locker. Snake scowls and turns around.

Snake: Dammit! If he pisses on me you’re all in for it!

Frank: Well SORR-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Snake sighs

Snake: C'mon, get out. We can't stay here forever. They say they’ll behave.

The scientist gives a nervous sigh and finally opens the locker and looks at Snake. Despite being middle-eaged, he gives off a somewhat-boyish aura, perhaps emanating from his curled, mid-length brown hair, maybe his squared glasses, or maybe his flowing white labcoat, complete with slack jeans and white trainers, coupled with a loose blue shirt.

Scientist : Your uniform is different from theirs.

Will: Still no class of dress from anyones..

The scientist looks at Will, taking in the purple uniform and white leather combat vest

Scientist: ....And so are you..I like that uniform

Will lets ojut a beaming smile

Will: Thanks! I’m the stud of the group!

The scientist turns his attentions to the rest of the group, relaxing more as he sighs that they don’t have the balaclavas of the normal guards on, and that they’re uniforms would not have allowed them nominal access to this part of the building without some form of sneaking. He also notes the penguin and opens his mouth to speak.

Lynch: Don’t ask questions.

He looks down at Moe the Midget, mouth still agape. Moe folds his arms

Moe: Don’t even think about it.

Scientist: ...................................A-Are you all good guys?

Phil: We’re getting paid by Liquid...But, y’know. Whatever.

Snake: They’re mercenaries. Paid thugs. They won’t hurt you.

Lynch: How do you know?

Snake: You won’t betray Liquid until you get your money....right?

Lynch turns the group and they all talk intelligibly amongst themselves, before they turn to Snake and nod in unison

Snake: Thought so.....fucking retards...

He turns to the scientist

Snake: You're the Metal Gear Chief Engineer, Hal Emmerich, right?

Emmerich: You know me?

Snake: I heard about you from Meryl.

Will: Sexy-ass?

Snake: ...Yes, sexy-ass

Will: Sweeeeet..

Emmerich: Oh. So you're here to rescue me?

Mercenaries: No.

Emmerich: ....You?

Snake: Sorry, but no. There's something that I've got to do first.

Emmerich : Oh, well... at least you're not one of them...

Emmerich stands up and begins to walk across the room, but his right leg is limping with every step as he walks to a computer console.


Snake: You hurt?

Emmerich: I'm okay. I just twisted my ankle a little bit trying to get away.

Frank: Sounds familiar..

Dave slaps Frank around his head

Phil: Asshole.

Frank: Cocksucker.

Snake: Well, if that's all, it's nothing to worry about. I want to ask you something. I need information about Metal Gear.

Emmerich: Huh? M-Metal Gear?

Snake: Yeah. What's Metal Gear really designed for?

Emmerich : It's a mobile Theater Missile Defence. It's designed to shoot down nuclear missiles, only for defensive purposes of course.

Snake quickly shoots forward and grabs Emmerich by the collar and holds him up, shaking him violently, the back of Emmerichs legs hitting the computer consoles#

Lynch: WOAH--

Snake: Liar! I already know that Metal Gear is nothing more than a nuclear-equipped, walking death mobile.

Emmerich: N-N-Nuclear? What are you talking about?

Snake: The terrorists are planning to use Metal Gear to launch a nuclear missile!!!!! You telling me you didn't know?

Emmerich : They're....going to put a.....n-nuclear missile into Metal Gear's TMD missile module?

Snake: Wrong!! From the beginning, the purpose of this exercise was to test Metal Gear's nuclear launch capability using a dummy nuclear warhead! The terrorists are just continuing the work you started!!!

Snake throws Dr. Emmerich down onto the floor angrily, kicking a nearby computer console. The mercenaries are watching, entertained by Snakes manhandling of the geeky Otaku

Emmerich: No, you're wrong....

Phil: I wouldn’t take that!

Maurice: Propah kick his ass!

Sal: START FLINGING PUNCHES!

Snake breathes heavily, blocking out their voices

Snake: I heard it directly from your boss, Baker.

Emmerich: No... a nuclear missile on Rex?

Snake: ...So you really didn't know?

Sal: Awww--

Emmerich: No. All the armament was built by a seperate department and the president personally supervised the final assembly of the main unit.

Snake: President Baker?

Emmerich: Yeah. I was never told exactly what they armed Rex with. I...I only know it's equipped with a vulcan cannon, high-powered laser cutter, and rail gun.

Snake looks up

Snake: A rail gun you said?

Emmerich: Yeah. It—

Phil: Uses magnets to fire bullets at extremely high velocities.Imagine firing a stone out of a high-speed mega catapult and you’ll get the picture of its power. The technology was originally developed for the Strategic Defence Initiative and later scrapped—

Emmerich: ....And we were successful in miniaturizing it in a joint venture between ArmsTech and Rivermore National Labs.....The rail gun is on Rex's right arm........How do you know?

They all turn to Phil

Lynch : Yes. PHIL. How do you KNOW?!

Phil: ......I read about it on Wikipedia.

Otacon: Wikipedia?

Lynch swipes across his throat

Phil: We....got told about it at briefing..

Mr. Dibbley: YES! We did!

Lynch: Yes! Yes!

Emmerich nods, and Lynch turns to Phil

Lynch: You break the laws of time and space again and i’ll snap your fucking neck!

Frank: Phil created a time paradox!

Phil: Uh-oh, spaghetti-os!

The mercenaries all laugh, but Snake hisses at them. They quickly quieten down.

Snake: Metal Gear's main function is to launch nuclear missiles.You're sure you're not forgetting something?

Emmerich: It's true that Metal Gear has a missile module on his back that can carry up to eight missiles. But are you saying it was originally meant to carry nuclear missiles?

Snake: S’what I got told... but that's not all I think. If Metal Gear fired only standard nuclear missiles, then they should already have all the practical data they need.

Emmerich : No... could it be? I mean...Metal Gear's co-developer, Rivermore National Labs, was working on a new type of nuclear weapon. They were using Nova and Nif laser nuclear fusion testing equipment and supercomputers.

Snake: So they developed a new type of nuclear weapon in a VR testing lab, huh?

Emmerich: Yes, but, you can't use virtual data on a battlefield. They would need actual launch data.

Steve: As you do...

Frank: Explain to the humans, Steve..

Steve: Rivermore tested a new nuclear weapon using two lasers and supercomputers. You can’t use this in real life, of course..

Vince: Touche.

Emmerich: These are some of the supercomputers. If you link these you can test everything in a virtual environment. But it's all just theoretical..
Brick: Think of the porn you could view on those whammers..

Snake: So this exercise was designed to test the real thing?

Emmerich: What did our president do?

The mercenaries shrug

Vince: Fuck you over?

Bill: More like fuck the whole world over..

Emmerich: If the terrorists launch that thing...DAMN!! ...DAMN!!

Emmerich falls to the floor before all of them, pounding the blue carpet with the side of his fist. The mercenaries are just barely able to stop laughing

Emmerich: I'm such a fool! It's all my fault...I mean....The truth is... my grandfather was part of the Manhattan Project. He suffered with the guilt for the rest of his life. And my father... he was born on August 6, 1945...

Steve: The day of the Hiroshima bombings.

Ivan: ZING!

Snake: ... God's got a sense of humour all right.

Frank: Yeah! He created this science otaku nut, and us mercenary nuts!

Lynch: Yeah, Real fucking sense of humour.

Emmerich : Three generations of Emmerich men... We must have the curse of nuclear weapons written into our DNA.

Dave: That must be some mutated DNA..

Emmerich: STOP MOCKING ME!!!

Bob: No, it’s fun for all the family!

Jericho: Him and his mutant DNA!

Snake: SHUTTHEFUCKUP!!!

The mercenaries laugh amongst themselves

Emmerich: I used to think I could use science to help mankind. But the one that wound up getting used was me. Using science to help mankind..that's just in the movies...

Snake: That's enough crying!!! Pull yourself together!! Where is Metal Gear?! Where on this base are they keeping it?!!!

Emmerich: Hey! R-Rex is in the underground maintainence base.

Snake: Where is that?

Emmerich: ....North of the Communications Tower. But it's a long way there.

Snake: The emergency override system for the detonation code is there too?

Emmerich : Yeah, in the maintenance base's Control Room. You better hurry. If they were planning a launch from the start, then their ballistic program is probably finished. And since they haven't called for me in a few hours, they must not need me....All I know is they’ve got a few mechanics working on the final preparations...In other words, they must be ready to launch.

Sal: ...They wouldn’t happen to be Hispanic, would they?

Emmerich: Yeah...all three of them..

Frank: Sweeeeet!

Brick: Least they alive!

Snake: Meryl's got the detonation override keys....We'll link up with her.

Emmerich: If we can't override the launch we'll have to destroy Rex.

Lynch: We can?

Emmerich: Not using conventional weapons, you won’t!

Snak: Look..don’t you lot be silly....

Vince: How are we being silly?

Emmerich: Look...I'll show you the way.

Emmerich attempts to limp towards the door, but Snake puts his arm out and stops him

Snake: On that leg of yours? You'll just slow me down.

Emmerich: You'll need me if you're gonna destroy Rex!

Snake: I don't need you. I just need your brain.

Emmerich: I created Rex. It's my right... my duty to destroy him....

Jericho: Karmic revenge.

Snake: If you get a chance, try to escape...When the coast is clear I'll try to contact you by Codec.

Emmerich: How am I supposed to escape from an island?

Snake: Son of a fuck-I want you to hide somewhere and keep me informed. You know this place well, don't you?

Emmerich: Of course I do, And don't worry...I've got this.

Emmerich reaches up to the shoulder of his labcoat and presses a few unseen buttons, giving small beaps. His entire body is cloaked suddenly, rendering him practically invisible except for a few waves and a rough outline of where he stands

Ivan: Sveet tech..

Emmerich: Thanks..Uh, It's the same stealth technology as the ninja. FOX-HOUND was going to use them, but... With this I'll be fine, bad leg and all.

Snake: .................Yeah, But I want Meryl to watch after you too.

Snake kneels down and calls Meryl on the Codec. Emmerich turns to the mercenaries.

Emmerich: So..all of you are being paid?

Frank: We come...in peace!

Sal: Yeah...we’re being paid..what of it?

Emmerich: Nothing! You are on our side..right?

Steve: Yeah! We were hired to protect Snake.

Emmerich: Ahhhh...hang on, what do you mean, hired? You’re getting paid by TWO companies?

Brick: Nothin’ like maximising money, is there?....shame it’s not really happening....

Emmerich: What?

Brick: Nothing!

Snake quickly gets to his feet

Snake: Something's wrong.

Emmerich stops and looks at Snake

Emmerich: Did you hear something? Wasn't that some kind of music?

The mercenaries look at eachother and mouth “What the fuck?”

Mr. Moneypennies (From Bricks Pocket): Cracka be smoking weed!

Snake: What did she look like?

Emmerich: She... she was wearing the same green uniform as the terrorists and those mercenaries, no offence

Lynch: None taken.

Snake: So...A disguise?

Emmerich: She had such a cute way of walking. She kind of wiggles her behind.

Will: I noticed too, man!

Bill: And me...

Moe: ...Her wiggle has captured our hearts--

Snake: You were really looking?!

Emmerich: Well... she's got a very cute behind...

Jericho: ...Agreed!

Vince: Same here!

Snake hisses again, and turns to Emmerich

Snake: Way of walking, huh?

Emmerich: If she's disguised as the enemy, you'll have to contact her when she's alone, huh? There's only one place where we can be sure she's by herself.....

Snake: Where's that?

Emmerich: Don't be so dense...

Brick raises an eyebrow, and Dean grins

Dean: Ladies Bathroom..Score one for the perverts!

Emmerich pulls something out of the inside pocket of his lab coat and hands it to Snake.

Emmerich: Here, use this security card. It's security level 4.

Emmerich turns to the mercenaries

Emmerich: Sorry guys...I’ve got no cards for you lot.

Bob: S’ok. We have Dave, Ivan and big ol’ Wor Maur here

Maurice flexes his arms

Snake: Yeah, sure....You're not in pain, are you?

Emmerich: Huh?

Snake: You feel okay? Nothing bothering you? Your leg hurt?? Well, no shit. But..you ok?

Emmerich: What's wrong? Getting all friendly all of a sudden?

Bill: Oooooooooooooooo!!

Lynch slaps him

Snake: Hey! I'm just glad you're okay.

Emmerich: You're strange...

Snake: Fuck you otaku! It’s just that everyone else I've saved suddenly dies!

Emmerich: You're bad luck.

Snake: Whatever...fuck you, Doctor.

Emmerich: Hey...Just call me, Otacon.

Snake: .....Otacon?

Otacon: It stands for Otaku Convention. An Otaku is a guy like me who likes Japanimation.

Jericho steps forward, but Lynch stops him

Jericho: Damn Otaku building weapons..Like trusting retards with knives..

Otacon: Yeah, well, did you know Japan was the first country to successfully make bipedal robots? They're still the best today in the field of robotics.

Snake is getting visibly tired

Snake : And Japanese cartoons played some part in that?

Otacon: They did! I didn't get into science to make nuclear weapons, you know.

Snake: That's what all scientists say.....

Otacon: I became a scientist because I wanted to make robots like the one in the Japanese Animes.....Really, it's true!

Frank: Damn single-minded Otaku..

Snake: Just sounds like a childish excuse to me.

Otacon: .....You're right. We have to take responsibility. Science has always thrived on war. The greatest weapons of mass destruction were created by scientists who wanted to be famous. But that's all over now. I won't take part in murder anymore.

Snake: Whatever dude. All I want from you is information.

Otacon: Sure. I know everything about this whole base. About this base or Rex. Also, with this stealth camouflage, I can sneak in and out of the armory and mess hall. If you need ammo or rations, just tell me and I'll bring them to you.

Otacon reaches up to his shoulder and turns on his stealth camouflage.

Otacon: I'm on frequency 141.12. See ya later. You guys have Codec?

The mercenaries shake their heads

Otacon: Well....Good luck!

Otacon slowly jogs to the door and exits the lab, leaving Snake and the mercenaries behind. Snake turns to look at them.

Snake: ...Why are you guys even here?

Frank: Fuckin’ fun.

Snake: Well...if you guys didn’t get chop-sueyed by the Ninja..Guess you’re all decent..

Sal is busy scratching his ear with the barrel of his assault rifle. Moe is busy juggling his Desert Eagle, and Phil, Jericho, Ivan, Vince, Bob and Bill are in a small group, seeing who can juggle a hot bullet the quickest

Lynch: …….Yeah. Just go, ok?

Snake: Where next for you lot?

Lynch: Well…we still need to re-group with our buds..

Snake: ….Yeah. Good luck.

Snake rushes past and exits the door.

Frank: So, Boss Hog, what now?

Lynch: We ride with the wind, Frank..Ride with the wind.

Frank: …Halloween soon. Remember last year, guys?

Mercenaries: Yeah…

Maurice: When we shoved that stun grenade up Dicks ass?

Mercenaries: Yeah!

Sal: And we thought the beasts were dead!

Mercenaries: Yeah!

Dean: You don’t think they’ll try and come for Halloween do you?

Frank: Well, guys! Remember what Shelley said about it being ripped upon enough for them to come! Heh, right guys?!

Frank grins. The mercenaries guns and postures slump down.

Mercenaries: ……Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

-COMING SOON: Chapter VI!

With Halloween coming up, Celebrations commence for all but our poor Mercenaries! Can Snake find out what happened to Meryl? Will the Beauties show up and send our poor Mercenaries to Hells Gate? Will the Motor City Machine Guns be driving a tank? And who is the next of the Mercenaries to meet? Tune in next time to discover The Man In The Banana Suit, Apple Bobbing with a twist, Metal Gear REXes makeover, and an unholy showdown!