Friday, 31 July 2009

The Morons of Shadow Moses - Chapter III - Conspiracies, Robots, Curries And Nuclear Armageddon

We return from where we left our faithful, idiotic mercenaries: As they stand shaking and quivering in the shadow of the beast. The very smell emanating from its body is enough to burn their nostrils with the spice. A huge line of drool / curry sauce drops from its lips to the floor, burning a hole in it. They slowly back away.

Lynch: Maurice..What have you done?!?!

Maurice: I did nah know me curry would turn mutant!

Bill: The fuck were you down here for?!

Maurice: That gadge with the blonde hair told me too!

Phil: Now..lets not gang up on Maurice..We’re fearing for our lives..all we have is eachother..

The monster keeps advancing slowly, growling.

Frank: Sacrifice yourselves! Protect your leader!

Silence. Everyone looks at Frank. However, AJ Styles steps forward.

AJ : You shall not hurt a sou--

The curry monster swipes forward and cuts AJs head clean off. His body phases into a blue goo and evaporates, indicating his return to reality.

Lynch: About damn time.

Sound of a button being pressed.

Young Black Mans Voice: Ee! I’m-a coming ya bastard!


The monster steps forward, and everyones stops back. Maurice licks his lips, and Vince slaps his

Vince: No Maurice! No eating the armageddon you created!

Maurice whines.

Silence. Sound of the elevator slowly coming down. Elevator music.


Phil turns around and pounds the door. Dean grabs them in the gap and pulls at them.

Young Black Mans Voice: Whoa! Hold on! What's the rush?!



Dave pulls out his FAMAS assault rifle and holds it at his hip, firing at the doors wildly like Rambo, everyone steps back and the elevator doors open

Young Black Mans Voice: Now at B3. Enjoy your ride.

The door pings and opens.

Frank: Now to turn around and confirm our safety..

The mercenaries turn to the elevator, not noticing the blue portal opening and closing behind them. The sound of a slow acoustic guitar. The mercenaries stand frozen in fear.




The beast screams and charges at the mercenaries. They quickly turn around and pack into the elevator with the band. Lynch pounds the button and the doors shut. The beast’s ‘claws’ get stuck between the elevator doors, ad stop it from moving. The beast roars loudly, and the drummer of the band stops playing

Drummer Guard: Mmm..I smell Indian food...Can I eat it?

He’s oblivious to the fact that Lynch, Frank, Steve, Billy and Maurice are keeping the right door shut, while Phil, Bill, Bob, Vince, Mr. Dibbley and Dave are keeping the left door shut. The beast keeps ripping at the doors. Will is stood behind the door, aiming his gun at it, shaking like a leaf

Young Black Mans Voice: Yo! Hold it! I ain’t moving anywhere until the doors shut!


Young Black Mans Voice: Emergency my ass! You guys could have set up the whole Phall Monster for all I know!

The beast steps back, and the mercenaries give a calm sigh, letting go of the doors.

Steve: Safe at--

The beast roars and rips at the doors again. They all scream and keep jarring the doors shut. Lynch pats Franks belt.

Frank: Lynch, are you coming on to me?!

Lynch: If I was gay, I could do much better than you, drunken monkey, I was activating your walkie-talkie!

Sound of crackling

Jonny: Come in.

Lynch: Sasaki! This is Marcus Lynch here! We’re down in B3, stuck with a giant curried monster trying to kill us!


Mr. Dibbley: He’s obviously not going to believe us!

Sasaki: Ok guyyyyssss..That’s a good one!

Mr. Dibbley: SEE?!?!


Sasaki: Who’s doing the roaring? It sounds very realistic!


The feed dies, and Lynch slaps Billy around his ear with his spare hand



They keep pushing tighter, and Maurice slowly edges across the door

Frank: Maurice, what are you doing?!

Maurice: Forgive me, lads! Haven’t had anything to eat since last night, and I canna stand it!

Bill: Brilliant plan!

Frank: Plan?

Vince: GOT IT! Less talking, more shameless gorging!

The mercenaries look at eachother, and the band watches

Guitar Guard: Want some music?

Mercenaries: NO!

Maurice lunges forward and grabs the beasts right wrist, gnawing at it hungrily.

Maurice: It tastes sah much better when its mutated!

He keeps gnawing and biting at it, the beast screaming wildly. Frank moves forward and starts biting the creatures fingers. Lynch watches.

Lynch: Mmmm..curry..

He jumps forward and starts biting at the back of the creatures hand. Sauce starts to pour from its wounds. Billy runs forward and spears the creatures hand with his Survival Knife, cutting in and eating the scraps of meat that come from it.

Phil, Bill, Bob, Mr. Dibbley, Vince and Dave look at eachother, but launch themselves onto the creatures hand, biting it roughly. Dean and Karab give a huge yell and jump onto the creatures left forearm, gnawing at it. Steve pulls out a knife and fork and starts to cut at the creatures left index finger, taking chunks with his fork and eating it. Steve stops eating.


Will watches silently from the back, wincing in disgust.

Will: Ewwww...commoners..ewww..

Phil stops and bacls away, waving his hand in front of his mouth


Lynch slowly backs away too, breathing heavily


Dean reaches into the back of his belt pouch and pulls out several bottles of milk, dropping them to the floor. Phil and Lynch grab one and empty them into their mouths, and quickly launch at the creature again. Eventually, Maurices gnawing severs the creatures left arm, and a hole burns into the center of the elevator, at the bands feet.

Guitar Guard: Fuuuck, I hate--

The floor gives away and the whole band falls into the darkness, screaming

Drummer Guard: I WILL WALK FIVE HUNDRED MIiiiilleesss..

The elevator creaks and buckles

Young Black Mans Voice: You guys are ruining me! Stop your feasting and i’ll let it go!

As the creatures left arm hits the floor, Lynch, Frank, Bill, Phil, Steve, Dean, Karab, Dave, Bob and Mr. Dibbley jumps onto the creatures right arm, biting harder. Karab falls back.

Karab: Too much sauce! It ruins the perfect flavour!


Karab gets to one knee and gnaws at the creatures fingers. MAurice gives a primal yell and runs forward, gnashing his teeth, he cuts through the creatures forearm like a hot knife through butter, and it gives a giant scream as the door shuts, the elevator going up. The mercenaries quickly grab eachothers hands, linking up around the edge to avoid falling into the growing abyss of the lift shaft. Maurice is happily sat on the floor in front of the doors, gnawing hungrily at the creatures right arm.

Maurice: Mmmm...Tastes nice!

Lynch: F-fuck! We got out of a scrape there! Recommendations for everyone!

They all cheer and the elevator pings, stopping

Young Black Mans Voice: Get offa me, ya bitches! We’re at B1 now!

Frank: Shouldn’t we be at B2--

The doors close and the elevator goes down, stopping at B2

Frank: Damn fucking straight.

The elevators doors open and the all file out, avoiding the hole. Will steps out and he lunges at the elevators control panel, stopping short

Will: Made ya flinch!

As Will steps forward, the elevator doors shut on his head, he screams as they repeatedly open and shut, and he falls onto the B2 floor, unconscious

Young Black Mans Voice: Fuckin’ bitch!

Maurice slowly stands up and walks out, tossing the huge clean-picked bone of the monsters arm to one side, rubbing his stomach

Maurice: Only problem is ah will need more in thirty minutes, y’know!

Phil: That’s Wor Maur!

Maurice: Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

He gives the Fonzy thumbs up

Lynch: Ok you freakin’ pansies! Lets march on!

They all walk on. A guard turns the corner in the centre path between the shacks and turns to them. He stares at them.

Genome Soldier: guys in a group? I should really tell Ocelo--

Phil, Mr. Dibbley, Frank, Billy, Maurice, Lynch and Bill raise their guns.

Genome Soldier: I will not hesitate--

Will, Vince, Steve, Dean and Karab raise their guns too.

Mr. Dibbley: Wrong answer, white man.

Silence. Phil, Maurice, Billy, Vince, Lynch, Bill and Frank turn to Mr. Dibbley.

Mr. Dibbley: My bad.

They blink and the soldier disappears.

Bill: What the--

A 5-foot snake slithers along the floor in front of them, hissing loudly, and painted in the white, green and brown stripes of Snow camouflage. The Anaconda raises its head and looks at the mercenaries, who quickly raise their guns. In the middle of the Anaconda is the clear shape of the Genome guard.

Mr. Moneypennies: Sheeeit men! It’s me! The Pennymeister! Mister Money In The Bank! In the hizzy, shizzy!

The mercenaries quickly lower their rifles

Billy: ‘Sup snake dude?

Mr. Moneypennies: Nizza much dudokovs! Just had mistah cowboy bossman walk through here a few minutes ago, followed by that Snake o’ name!

Frank: So..Snake and Ocelot are fighting over President Kenneth Baker of Armstech..It begins..

Dave: It begun when you let the DARPA Chief die, cocksucker.

Frank: Fuck you!

Vince: You'd probably let..ONE OF US DIE!!!

Dramatic music. Everyone turns around to see Steve with a synthesizer.

Steve: Sorry guys..Sorry!

He quickly wheels it to the side into an approaching guard, knocking him to the side, and stands up off the stool, shouldering his FAMAS rifle. Another guard, dressed like Dean and Karab with the olive-green shab one-piece army suit, black combat vest and black balaclava walks again, but with a camouflage trucker cap on top of it.

Guard: HAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

He tears off his mask with one pull, keeping the baseball cap to reveal himself as the good ol’ southern trucking mercenary: Brick

Brick: You guys got here! Was getting lonely with only Upper Crusty with company!

He looks at Will

Brick: The hell are you wearing?

Will: It’s called fashion. If I die, I leave a good looking corpse!

Bill: Same applies if you get blown up with a grenade?

Will: It’s been designed to--Don’t you dare pull the pins off my grenades, Bob

Bob was leaning over behind wall, pulling at the grenades of the pins on his belt. Bob grins at him and slowly walks backwards, whistling innocently.

Dean: So...Sal with you?

Brick: Got the hint, eh? Yeah...he’s outside big ol’ Ocelo---Okel---Oshel--Cowboy guys room.

Vince: Interesting...

Lynch: How so?

Bill: Because he's an idiot.


Mr. Moneypennies: Shall we goeth and progrezzle with the story, white boys?

Will: Sure. Can I shoot Bob, though?

Bob punches Will in the face, knocking him backwards

Maurice: Someone had tah do it

Bill: Can I kill him?

Frank: No mutiny, or Ocelot kills us! Now quick, help him up before he comes out 
Phil, Bill, Bob, Dave, Frank, Dibbley, Lynch, Dean and Karab: FUCK!

Vince: You fucking pansy..

Phil sighs, leans down and extends a hand to Will. Will takes it and Phil hauls him to his feet.

Will: Thanks commoner.

Phil: Asshole.

Raging Raven: RAGEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Will: Not yet, honey!


Steve: When AJ died, it sounds like the space-time rift got ripped even more!

Silence. Everyone looks at Steve.

Steve: What?

Lynch: Let’s just go..

They all shoulder their weapons and go through the center hallway. As they walk on, something beneath Bills foot clicks. A panel gives away and he falls into a hole. Bob quickly dives down and grabs his hand.


Ocelots Voice From Opposite Room: There’s no use running! You see, I can make the bullets go where I want!

Frank: Answered!

Bob pulls, and Phil grabs Bills other hand. Maurice grabs Phils legs, Dave grabs Bobs legs, and Dibbley grabs one leg from both Phil and Bob. They all pull and help Bill out of the floor. Bill lays on his back, breathing heavily

Bill: Thanks lads..

Lynch: EXTRA recommendations!

They walk forward, suddenly, a blast of wind flies past them. They all look around.

Dean: Anyone else feel that?

Will turns around

Will: Anyone else cold?

Steve retches, Lynch looks at Will, disturbed. Frank covers his mouth. Vinces eyes start bleeding. The sound of Raging Raven squealing in delight from another dimension is heard. Bills, Phils, Steves, Daves and Bobs ears start to bleed.

Will: What?

Will doesn't realize he's now wearing nothing but a leapord-print thong

Will: It's bloody cold..OH SHIT!

He looks down, grins and hipthrusts

Will: Hehe...Bad boy! Bad boy! Whatcha gonna do when he comes for you?!

Frank: I..don't know whats more half-naked, or what made you become half-naked..

Another gust of wind flies past them. Daves FAMAS rifle splits in half in his hand. He looks around, then down at his rifle.


The mercenaries quickly gather into a huddle. Will gets into the center. Lynch winces.

Lynch: Is that a gun in your pocket, Will?....

Will: No, i'm just happy to--


Will: WHAT POCKETS?!?!?!

The huddle quickly disbands from around Will, and they keep turning in circles, looking around

Phil: Place is haunted! Place is haunted!

Mr. Moneypennies: Shiz, dude! I don' wanna be snake meat, yo!

Mr. Dibbley: Frank, you ARE in charge...BLOODY HELL! DO SOMETHING!!!

Frank: Alright..

Frank walks a few steps forward. The mercenaries quickly point their guns down the passages around Frank. Frank looks in the air and lets out a screaming wail


Brick walks forward and slaps Frank. Lynch walks to Franks other side and slaps him again. Bill kicks Frank in the butt so he falls to his hands and knees.


Lynch walks a few steps forward and grabs a Chaff Grenade from his belt, pulling the pin and throwing it down the coridoor. It bursts open and chaff fills the room, at the same time, an inhuman, animalistic scream fills it.

Ocelot: WHAT YOU SAY?!?!

The mercenaries look around for the sign of the screaming. Steve walks down an aisle and up behind a weapon shed, but quickly runs around again.


Phil, Maurice, Bob, Vince, Mr. Dibbley, Dave, Dean and Karab quickly rush to where Steve was. Up one aisle, standing in the middle is none-other than a cybernetic ninja, covered in thick, grey steel armor, and a multi-plated helmet. He's shuddering, twitching, and screaming wildly.

Ninja: OMGWTFBBQORZOMGZORRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bill: What's he saying?! WHAT IS HE SAYING?!?!


Dave: What the FUCK?!?!

Phil: Look at the size of that sword!

They all look at the massive katana in the Ninjas hand. Phil licks his lips and twitches his fingers.

Phil: Imagine how much that would go for...

Phil takes a few tiptoes forward, only for the Ninja to swipe at him


The Ninja jumps onto a nearby light and speeds off behind them.

Bob: ......Ok. That was possible the most weirdest thing i've ever seen.

Phil: Oh yeah, what about a psychopathic curry monster riding an elevator?

Bob thinks

Bob: I've seen stranger.

Phil: Oh, well, then you won't be surprised--Hang on..

All of them look forward down the aisle, the elevator in view has opened its doors, and the gigantic mutant Phall monster is standing there, growling at them.

Phil: Guess i'll be fighting it to the death..

Dean, Karab, Vince,Bob, Dave and Maurice: REALLY?!?!

Phil: HAHAHA!!! No.

Phil turns around and runs off towards the other mercenaries


Dean, Karab, Bob, Dave and Maurice quickly follow him. They reach the other mercenaries quickly, and thankfully Will has tied his clothes to himself with silk string.

Will: See? I'm a handyman!


Brick blinks, walks behind them, and looks at Phils ass

Brick: ...I don't see it

Billy: BEHIND YOU!!!

They all blink, and turn around. Barely yards away stands the mutant psychopathic curry monster, now angry at its lack of arms.

Karab: I..think we pissed it off.

Frank: No shit! What the fuck could kill a gigantic, ultra-spicy curry?!?!?!!

Dave: C4?

Will: A makeover?

Mr. Dibbley: Tea and scones?

Vince: Nuclear holocaust?

Maurice: A pint?

Silence. Everyone turns to Maurice.

Mercenaries: A PINT!!!

Billy: Now who's drunk enough to always carry alcohol on them?

Silence. Everyones head slowly turns to Frank. Frank looks at them blankly.

Frank: No fucking chance.

Steve: Come on Frank! Cough it up!

Frank spits on the floor at Steves feet.

Frank: No.

Lynch grabs Frank in a headlock. Frank struggles.



Dean runs over and unlatches Franks hip flask from his belt. He unscrews it and takes a deep breath.

Dean: PHWOAR!!! That's definitely a Bitter in there!!

The monster, who's been advancing slowly, grabs Dave between its jaws, and starts shaking him like a ragdoll. Phil, Billy, Vince, Bob, Maurice, Dibbley and Karab aim their weapons.

Dave: HEEEE-EEEE-EEE-LLL-PPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The monster bites down harder, and Dave starts punching it repeatedly in the eye socket


Dean goes to throw the hip-flask in slow motion, but Frank jumps at him. Just before Frank can reach it, Mr. Dibbley uses a flipper to slap it out of Deans hand, the flask flying in slow motion towards the monster


The flask hits Dave in the face, and he grins

Dave : Mmmmmmmmm..bbiiiiiiiiittttttttttteeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr......

The Bitter splashes over the monster and it squeals, dissolving almost instantly and dropping Dave to the floor. Dave lies face down in the curry.

Phil: DAVE?!?!?!

Silence. Sound of gorging. Dave looks up, covered in Phall.

Dave: IT FUCKING BURNS!!!!!!!!!

Dean rushes over to Dave and quickly pours the Bitter all over him. Dave opens his mouth

Dave: Downth tha hatcth!

Dean pours half the flask down Daves throat. Dave looks straightfaced and gives a small hiccup, burping.

Dave: Tasty.

Frank shoots forward and grabs the hipflask from Dean, draining the last quarter of it, he throws the hipflask behind him, burping

Frank: If I didn't have 3 more of them you'd all be in for it!!!!!

Silence. Dean wipes his brow and Lynch pats Dibbley on the back.

Lynch: Shall we with story?!

Mercenaries: Awww man!!

Lynch: COME ON!!

The Mercenaries all shoulder their weapons, except Dave

Dve: Uhh..guys? I don't have a weapon anymore..

Phil walks down to the end of the aisle and turns right. Sound of gunfire and electric crackl;ing. He returns a few seconds later, carrying a FAMAS assault rifle. He throws it do Dave, and Dave catches it, loading a magazine and twitching at the click

Dave: Happiness truly is..a warm gun..

Lynch leads the way to the right, and down to the end of the passageway. The mercenaries stand in front of an oddly-coloured wall. Steel gray, but with blue plaster covering it.

Lynch: Ok..step back..somethings behind here..

Will: Nice work, detective. Next you'll tell us we're in Metal Gear Solid--

Maurice punches Will in the back of his head. Will screams and looks back at Maurice


Maurice: Wor Lynch gets our pay, y'know lad?

Lynch: back..

The mercenaries take a few paces back. They look to the left, and watch as Ocelot runs out of a Lvl 2. Keycard door, clutching the now-bloody stump of his right hand, and carrying his detached hand in his left


The rough, stealth outline of a Ninja speeds out the door

Gray Fox: NO!!!! DO NOT TELL!!!!

They run out of sight.

Frank: .........Right.

They step forward, only for a shower of plaster to explode outwards. They quickly jump backwards, choking and readying their rifles. The wall crumbles within mere seconds, both plaster and concrete, and Jay Cutler, flexing his massive biceps, steps out

Cutler: Oh..It's you guys.


Cutler: Hello?


Frank: Dude..what the FUCK?!

Cutler: Nice to see you all too! What is it? One day Cutler can walk into your lives, and all of a sudden you decide you don't need him anymore? Well, i've got news for you, Frank! Once you go Jay, there ain't no other way! Ain't that right, Sal?

Sal walks forward, coughing.

Sal: True. True.


Frank: What?

Steve: Didn't you notice? I noticed several electronic disturbances a few minutes ago..thought I told you guys..

Frank: Let the record show..I hate Steve!!!

Billy: We have no record, yeh fucking jessie!

Cutler: Oi..let the "record" be shown that I saved Sal! And that he purposely disrupted the space-time continuum to get me here!

Sal repeatedly puts his finger to his lips as Cutler says this. Lynch stares at Sal, his eye twitching.

Cutler: I mean, I know it fucked up the laws of time itself, but you guys did the damage...........Well, later

Cutler disappears in a blue haze. Lynch stares at Sal, grinning and breathing heavily.

Lynch: Sal.....

Sal (Timidly) Yes'm?

Lynch: How many fingers am I holding up?

Lynch holds up 2 fingers

Sal: ....Two?

Lynch: Now guess how many seconds you have left to live?

Sal: ..................................Two?

Lynch clenches his fist

Lynch: ZERO!!!

Sal screams and Lynch chases him. Sal runs into the hole in the wall and runs to the end of the coridoor, pounding on the metal grating set up against solid rock


Lynch runs forward and punches Sal in the face. Sal collapses against the grating and Lynch starts to repeatedly kick him.


He jams his foot into Sals mouth

Lynch: KISS IT!!!! KISS IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The others are watching.

Dean: I always thought Ivan and Sal were crazy...well..I guess we can chalk up Lynch to that list

They watch Lynch start to froth at the mouth, barking random obscenities as he kicks Sal

Frank: I think we should stop him

Phil: ...Yeah

Bill: Won't he tire himself out?

Maurice: Aye..

Phil: Just in case..

Phil pulls out a tranquilizer gun and shoots Lynch. The dart bounces off his neck and he turns around, screaming and pounding his chest, charging at them

Phil: Oh shit!

Will: I think you made him angry!!!


Lynch runs forward faster, he leaps at Phil, only to hit his head off the top-part of the destroyed wall and collapse, knocking him out instantly.

Phil: Ahh..bald people: Mean looking, but no helmet..

Lynch suddenly sits up. Phil screams and jumps into Franks arms. Lynch simply stands up and turns around

Lynch: Ok, lets go

Silence. Lynch walks forward, ignoring Sa leaning against the wall, breathing heavily. He turns to the right-hand wall, where it has been plastered over, and walks straight through it. Frank looks at Phil. Phil grins.

Phil: I can see why Mantis likes--


Phil: OK!

Phil jumps out of Franks arms. Sal rushes over to them.

Sal: I showed him who's boss, right guys?!


Sal: GUYS?!

Dave lunges his face at him


Sal screams wildly and pisses himself, jumping into the air and smashing his head off a light, falling a few feet down to the floor, unconscious

Mr. Dibbley: Nice to see we all have a modicum of civility among us....Although he seems to have trouble controlling his bladder..

Mr. Moneypennies: Sheeit dude! Thats nasty!

Brick walks up to Sal and taps him with his foot

Brick: Can we shoot him?

Frank: We need him!! ...We need a meatshield in case Karab dies.

Karab gulps.

Frank: Brick and Vince, you two guard pisspants.

Vince: Awww man!

Vince and Brick sit beside Sal, as the rest of them walk through the coridoor, turn to the right, and walk through the hole in the wall. They appear in front of the tiny holding cell, dotted with girders and sliced strings on the floor, as well as rubble from multiple explosions. Snake has just stood up is pacing around, rubbing his head. Lynch is leant against the right wall, smoking a cigarette and calming himself down

Phil: Ahhhh shit..We missed half the plot!

Frank: What? I thought he was just explaining why he needed to build Metal Gear, who built it, and wear to find him..

Baker: I haven't even got to that ye--

Lynch: Ok Grandad, you go sleepy now..

Lynch turns to them

Lynch: As far as I can tell, The terrorists now have both codes, so they can launch Metal Gear at any time. Grandpa here has mental probes. The DARPA chief had them too, so he was a fucking liar when he said Mantis read his mind. Ocelot is inhuman cause he loves torture--

Frank: So Bobs inhuman?

Bob: I hate torture!!!!

Dean: But like tentacle rape--

Bob slaps Dean around the head

Bob: It's not tentacle rape! It's a hot, sexy, smokin' blonde woman, whom I make hot, passionate love to every--

Phil: Don't, Bob.

Bob: Why?

Phil: If the time rift is weak, then the Unit could bounce on through and attack us WHILE WE SLEEP!!!!

Dramatic synthesizer music. Everyone turns to Steve whose sitting at a synthesizer.

Steve: ....Oops! Sorry!

Steve wheels it to one side.

Mr. Dibbley: So the terrorists can launch this Metal Gear at any time?

Lynch: Basically, but Baker said they don't want to--

Baker coughs

Baker: I said they could be waiting, until the next good war!

Billy: Yeah, ok.....What else?

Lynch: Someone has the card keys to launch. And it's someone sexy!

Will coughs and runs his hands through his hair

Will: Mmm..guess they snuck it on--

Dave swings his elbow back and elbows Will in the ribs. Will wheezes and doubles over, only for Bill to swing his foot back, kick him in the chin and knock him out.

Lynch: It's the female prisoner we all met!

Dean: Oh yeah...the nice ass..that gorgeous sway..that ruby red, I wouldn't mind getting a piece of that pie!

Silence. Everyone looks at Dean.

Phil: She'd kill you afterwards!

Dean: Hey, i'd die with a smile on my face, right?

Phil: At least yours is the Black Widow..kills after she mates..Mine toys with her pray...

Lynch: Will you idiots shut up?! Anyway, that soldier is Colonel Campbells niece!

Dean: So?

Lynch: SO?!?! Who do you think gave us this mission?!?!?

Silence. Congregation amongst the mercenaries. Frank sticks his hand in the air. Lynch sighs.

Lynch: Yes..Frank?

Frank: Technically, we did. And technically technically, we didn't get the mission, we got transported along time to do this to stop the universe going pop.


Lynch: Cocksucker.

Dean: Alright! I get me some--

Billy: Dean..Do nah think with your balls.

Dean: Kinda hard not to, what, being in a unit full of men--

Lynch: ANYWAY! She has the key, and she has Codec, so Snakes going to contact her..right, Snake?

Snake turns to them, raising an eyebrow.

Snake: I didn't ask for any help goddammit! I'm waiting for Baker to remember the fucking code, anyway!

Maurice: Woah, calm down la--

Snake fires his SOCOM at Maurices feet. They all scream and take several steps back. Lynch inches away. Snake growls at them and turns to Baker.

Baker: ..............Sorry....I forgot.

Mercenaries: BOOOOOOO!!!

Steve: You suck!

Frank: We're staring down Armageddon and you forgot?!

Snake growls and starts cursing, stomping around

Phil: We fucking need this, man! Or we'll be nuked in the face!


Snake: I fucking agree! And you know what i'm going to do?!?!?!

Snake pulls out his SOCOM and points it at the top of Bakers head

Lynch: WOAH! Hold it! We need him alive!

Baker: ...Oh! That's it! It's on the back of the package!

Snake: Package?

Steve: What you say?

Frank: Package?..

Snake: Package.

Phil: Ahh..Package!


Maurice: Package!

Bill: Packaaaaaaaaaage...


Dean: Why are we all saying package?

Frank: We just broke the fourth wall down--

Chris Jericho walks in


Jericho runs back out.

Frank: .................Like that.

Snake shakes his head and turns to Baker.

Baker: You need to find Hal of my employees..The team leader of the Metal Gear REX Project...Excellent engineer...but..a little bit of an oddball..If there's anyone who can figure out how to stop Metal Gear from launching...It's him...

Mr. Dibbley: And all because you gave him the detonation codes..

Baker sighs.

Mr. Dibbley: Imbecile.

Lynch: C'mon guys! How could he have possibly known he was ABOUT TO INSTIGATE ARMAGEDDON?!?!?!

Baker and Snake ignore them.

Snake: What if he can't come up with anything?

Baker: You'll have to destroy it--

Phil: Woah! Hold on! ...Did you say, destroy it? As in, destroy a 50 foot high bipedal armoured nuke-launching metal walking killing machine?

Baker: Well..yes..

Frank: Ok. I'm afraid.

Dave: Oi...this....could be....steep..

Bob: Steep? ....It's fucking vertical..

Baker: Emmerich knows how to destroy Metal Gear.

Snake: Where is this Emmerich?

Baker: Probably being held somewhere in the Nuclear Warhead Storage Building..It's North from here..That's where he worked..

Frank writes it on the palm of his hand

Frank: Nuclear Warhead Storage Building...North...

Dave looks over his shoulder

Dave: It's Nuclear with a c, not a k....RETARD!

Dave slaps him around the head. Frank spits on his shoe.

Frank: Fuck you! I've got it!

Snake paces around, somewhat impatiently, just wanting to shoot some Genome guards up

Snake: I understand, but...why Metal Gear? The Nuclear Age ended with the turn of the Millenium..

Phil: Ya think? Well, Welcome to 2005--

Frank slaps Phil around the head.

Baker: Oh, you're wrong..The nuclear threat hasn't disappeared..The threat is more real than ever before!

Phil: Told you so.

Dave and Phil hi-5.

Baker: The amount of spent nuclear fuel and plutonium is increasing, even today--

The mercenaries all groan and give up, sitting down on the floor. Lynch slides down the wall and sits. Snake leans headfirst against the wall next to Baker.

Baker: Listen, have any of you ever seen a warehouse full of nuclear material?

Mercenaries and Snake: No!

Baker: Drums and drums of nuclear waste stacked so high, as far as you can see, because there's still no real way to use it or dispose of it!

Frank: So they close the lid and pretend it'll go way...

Baker: Essentially, yes. And they're not even doing a good job of storing it. Many of the drums are corroded, with nuclear waste seeping out of them

Lynch : Unbelievable..

Baker: Not only that, but several pounds of MUF are reported every year--

Dean: YAY FOR MUFF!!!!!!


Bob: I want Octopus's muff again..

Frank: I liked Mantis's muff..

Bob and Frank turn to Phil.

Phil: You can both just fuck eachother if you think i'm saying what I think you want me to say.

Karab: Heh...MUFF!

Snake: Whats MUF?

Frank: A womans vag--

Snake: Shut it you freaking idiot! Emm You Eff! What does it stand for, BAKER?!

Frank sticks his tongue out at Snake

Baker: It stands for "Material Unaccounted For"--

Bob: Our muffs are better--


Baker: It proves that there's a large and well-organized black market in nuclear material. Furthermore, since the end of the Cold War, Russian nuclear engineers in particular are out of work with nowhere to turn.. In other words, there's plenty of available nuclear material and scientists for making a bomb--

Karab : Yeah..Ivan..

The mercenaries snigger.

Baker: --We live in an age when any small country can have a nuclear weapons program

Frank: That'd be our little corner of heaven..

They all nod and grin.

Bob: Let the record show Mr. Dibbley is proof of this..

Dibbley gives a flipper up in agreement

Mr. Dibbley: Agreed!

Snake coughs. They quickly quieten.

Snake: What about the other superpowers?

Baker: The Russians and Chinese still pursue a policy of deterrence..Do you see? Complete nuclear disarmament is an impossibility! To maintain our own policy of deterrence, we need a weapon of overwhelming power

Snake: You mean Metal Gear..

Baker: know, our industry suffered quite a blow as a result of the cuts in military budgets due to this so-called "peace"

Snake bangs his head off the wall in boredoms

Snake: Yes.....mergers and takeovers...amongst big weapons companies...

Baker: Yes, and after my company lost their bid to produce the U.S Air Forces next line of fighter jet, the Metal Gear system was our last ace in the hole. That's why we pushed to have Metal Gear developed as a black project.

Billy: Black project?

Baker: Secret projects paid for by the Pentagons black budget..

Phil: Can I have "Woah, Conspiracy"?

The mercenaries all put their hands on top of eachother elses. Lynch shuffles over and puts his hand on top of all theirs. They all raise their hands, chanting

Mercenaries: Woooooooooooahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh CONSPIRACY!!!

Baker : You can avoid a lot of red tape and get a great lead time on your weapons production and no-one can bother you......not even that bunch on the Military Oversight Committee

Snake: Bribes..

Baker: Just call it the military-industrial complex. Anyway, Metal Gear was going to be formally adopted after the results of this exercise were analyzed..

Snake slams his head against the wall and looks down at Baker.

Snake: I don't give a crap about you OR your company!!

Steve: Yay--

Snake swipes his hand across his throat. Steve gulps and quietens.

Baker: Yeees...That's about what i'd expect from a grunt like you......

Baker reaches into his pocket and pulls out a thin, black CD case

Baker: Here...this is what you came for, right?

Snake: What's that?

Baker: An optical disk. It's all here...the main hard drive was destroyed by gun fire..This is the only remaining copy of the data

Snake: What kind of data?

Baker: All the data collected from this exercise...Don't play dumb! I know you were sent to get this..I hid it from that sadistic maniac while he was torturing me..They don't know this disk exists..Make sure to report this to your boss..I'll give you my card, too..

Baker pulls out a small, thin white card, only slightly thicker than a credit card, and holds it up to Snake

Baker: It'll open up all level 2 security doors

Frank: What about us?

Baker: Oh..Well..use your imaginations..I'm sure you'll get through the doors somehow..

Lynch: Damn grandpa..

Snake takes the card, and kneels beside Baker

Snake: Can you walk?

Baker: go on without me..They got my password..They don't want anything else from me..

Snake: One more question..Who or what was that ninja thing? It looked like you knew something--

Frank: Pure evil.

Will comes to finally, and sits up

Will: It took my clothes off--

Mercenaries: OH GOD! SHUT UP!

Snake and Baker ignore them.

Baker: That Ninja? That was FOXHOUNDs dark little secret..

Mercenaries: Dark little secret?
Baker: An experimental...Genome..Soldier..

Baker chokes between his words.

Snake: You know him?

Baker chokes again

Baker: You should ask Dr. Naomi Hunter from FOXHOUND..She knows better than I..

Snake: Naomi?

Lynch: THAT BITCH!!!

Silence. Snake turns his head to Lynch, then turns back to Baker.

Phil: Baker don't look so good..Maybe we should get him a doctor..His breaths visible

Phil stands up and steps forward, but Frank waves it off and turns to the others.

Frank: He's ok, probably just cold! It is chilly in here, men!

Baker : You..all of you..You've got to stop them!...If it goes country and I are...finished...

Snake: Huh? Doesn't Metal Gear use currently existing technology?

Baker: Metal Gear itself does, but.......OHHH!!!!!

Baker starts shuddering, groaning and howling in pain.

Baker: What...WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!?!

Steve: He needs medical help!

Frank: Nonsense! I bet he's an enemy spy!

Snake steps backwards, bewildered at Bakers trembling and hostility


Frank: Those Pentagon bastards pay us Baker! Stop attention seeking!

Lynch stands up and rushes over to Baker, followed by Phil, Steve, Mr. Dibbley, Maurice and Will

Baker: So they...they.......they actually went and did it!

Baker starts to piss himself

Lynch: Uhh..we could use a medic!

Frank: We left Tavi behind!

Lynch turns to Frank


Snake: What are you talking about?!??!

Baker: They! They'!!!!

Frank: Oh, shut up Grandpa!!

They all watch as Baker slumps down, dead.

Lynch: .....Yeah, he's kind of dead now, Frank.

Frank turns around and stares at Bakers body. Snake growls.

Snake: What the hell?...OH fuck...Colonel is so not going to believe this shit is happening...

Snake turns his back to the mercenaries and puts his fingers to his ear, contacting Colonel via Codec. Dean pats Frank on the back.

Dean: Congratulations buddy! You've just killed 2 Metal Gear Solid characters!

Frank: MAMMA MIA!!!

Frank slaps his cheeks in shock, as the camera pans out.

Our mercenaries have met most of their friends, yet have the most effective weapon know to man: Frank Daniels! Having killed yet another good guy, can the team stop him from getting Snake killed, and the future getting turned into a world of Godzillas?! As our mercenaries move on, they will encounter Vulcan Ravens tank, Random Hostile Alaskan Metaphors, a snowball fight of epic proportions, An appearance of armaggedon proportions and slow-motion walks of destiny. Can our mercenaries live to continue on the story? Will they make it past the Snowfield in one piece? Will the crazy Ninja appear again? What kind of cameos will appear THIS time? All this and more, coming soon...

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