The Final Day

*The scene opens as dawn breaks over the Middle Eastern town, over Beale Street and Walkers Street at 7:10am. The orange glow bathes both streets, and only one person is walking through the street: Sal, carrying a metal briefcase as he hums to himself. As he walks past The Dog and Handgun, the doors fly open and Jericho lands at his feet, skidding across the sand. Fedor Emelienenko stands in the doorway, throwing jerichos trenchcoat at him

Fedor: I told you to get out, you drunken buffoon! It’s morning time! If you come in here within seven days, I’m going to tear out your spleen and break your arm, you got it?!

Fedor slams the doors, and Sal simply looks down at jericho who stands up, brushing off his white shirt



Jericho: ‘Fuck you looking at?



Sal: Ah, shut it, Jerry. I’m feeling real happy today!



Jericho: Oh yeah? Its 7 in the morning, and you haven’t been out drinking..whats making you so happy?


sal: A mixture of morphine, psychosuppressing pills, and the contents of this briefcase!

Jericho: I sense money.

Sal: If it was, I wouldn’t tell you.

Jericho: Well, it wouldn’t happen to be that Archaeologists van that got hijacked yesterday, would it? That van on the way to Phils house? Carrying tons of Mayan gold from a recent shipment from Archaelogists studying indigenous Mexican pyramids?

Silence.

Sal: Lucky guess, nutcase.

Jericho stares at the brief case, but Sal hugs it close to his chest

Sal: Find your own gold bars!

Jericho: Whatever..I’m just gonna go home..Get some sleep..

Sal: You have a home?

Brick opens the window of the top floor of the Dog and Handgun, wearing only boxer shorts and dogtags on his hairy chest, his eyes mostly closed

Brick: SHUT UP! OR I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL PUNCH YOU FUCKERS IN THE FACE!

He slams the window, cursing loudly. Sal quickly runs off down the street, cackling loudly. Jericho shrugs and slowly stumbles towards Phil, Steve, Wolfs and his house

**8am**

In the Lamb and Flag, Maurice and Moe are busy frying off eggs as Dick slowly rolls his bed up into the bar, revealing several bottles superglued underneath the wall-folding bed. He yawns and stretches, sitting on a stool behind the bar

Dick: Last day..Probably not gonna get much business..Damn Frank..stealing my customers..my money..

He strokes the barrel of a Blunderbuss underneath the counter, next to his trusty Shotgun

Dick: I’ve been saving you, haven’t I sweetie? Yes I have..Yes, Daddy has..

Maurice stands there in the doorway of the kitchen, staring at Dick as he holds a plate

Maurice: Mate, stop sampling yer own shit

Dick: Just gimme my brekafast, Wor Maur..so fucking depressed..

Maurice sets down eggs poached in port and toast with vodka margarine spread on it

Dick: Ahhh...lovely jubbly!

The door opens and That Other Random Guy walks in with Johan in tow, yawning

That Other Random Guy: Well..*Beep*, Bobby and Stoofer are just closing up shop now..

Johan: Me would like some fried-up eggs. Please.

Maurice: MOE! TWO EGGS! COOK EM AND GREASE EM!

Moe: TWO EGGS FRIED JAP STYLE!

Maurice runs into the kitchen and Johan sits at the bar, rubbing his bald head

Johan: So stressful. Time to go to Shadow Moses Island..Johan stressed.

Dick: Why don’t you go and talk to Frank?

Johan: No. He got us into this.

Dick: So..go talk to him!

Johan: Maybe later.

That Other Random Guy: Aye..it sucks ass that he’s forcing us into this..But, its either this or a horrible screaming death

Moe: Its this AND a horrible screaming death!

That Other Random Guy: I know..but sacrificing the Universe too kinda sucks..

The door opens and Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin walk in

Sabin: I will totally agree, but we already trashed Franks Mustang

Dick: Ooo..he loves that car, guys..

Shelley: Oh....cause we kinda shit in the engine..

Sabin: And pissed on the tires!

Shelley: And put the windshield through..

Sabin: Total decimation!

Sabin and Shelley hi-5, sitting down at the nearest table. Johan shrugs.

Johan: I think I will later go and turn that Mustang into a dustbin.

Sabin stares

Sabin: Oh...SWEET!!

Meanwhile, all the way in Beale Street, Stoofer firmly shuts the chop shops shutter closed. Bobby turns the key in the lock and it locks tightly

That Hispanic Guy: Well..thats that done for a while.

They simply stand there in front of the shutter. Bobby scratches his ass.

Bobby: So.....what now?

That Hispanic Guy: I didn’t think about that....

Silence. A gust of wind.

Stoofer: How about we go to the pub?

That Hispanic Guy: YES!

They all rush off through a nearby alley, cutting through the town square and into Walkers Street, arms pumping as they charge through the door of the Dog and Handgun. Silence. They quickly run back out and run into The Lamb and Flag instead as Fedor stands in The Dog and Handguns doorway, cracking his knuckles. In Franks house, He slowly opens his eyes and turns on his side, seeing an already-empty bed


Frank: Huh..Mantis must already be up..


He slips out of bed, wearing boxer shorts and a vest and opens the door, noticing no sign that anyone's up


Frank: Strange..


He smirks and grabs a bottle of bourbon from the table, unscrewing the cap and gulping down the bourbon. He turns around and Mantis is standing there, wearing lacy black lingerie. His eyes widen and he spits out the bourbon.


Mantis: Oh..you got me..all wet..


Moaning comes from Will and Ravens room and Frank looks around nervously


Frank: Oh bugger.


Mantis charges forward, baring her teeth. Frank stares wide-eyed at her

Frank: OHHHH MYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOO--!!!!!!

Mantis pounces on him, and the screaming fills the town, loudest in Phil and Steves house opposite them, where Phil is laying on the couch, practically asleep as he dreams of his time in the Academy...

Jericho: Hey Phil..Look what we got here..Two kegs full of beer, some pizzas, and illegal aphrodisiacs. Lets hotwire Coach Cracknecks Mustang and go to the Female Wing to rock some pleats off their skirts! Does it get much better than this?


Phil: Oh it doesn't, Jerry! Not better than this!


Jericho: Ahh..it's always going to be like this..


Phil: Yeah..what could possibly ruin moments like these?!


The door creaks open and Wolf slinks in, sliding onto the couch and placing his head in her lap, sitting back


Phil: Mmmm...Warm..


He rolls onto his stomach and Wolf looks down at him, grinning and chuckling


Phil: Mm..It really is wa--


He suddenly stops and wakes up, opening his eyes


Phil: Wolf..my face is in your vijay..


Wolf grabs his head and quickly turns it so he was facing her stomach. A loud crack is heard.


Wolf: That better?


Phil: .....Ow


Wolf: Soo..


Phil: Sooo..Shadow Moses Island soon..


Wolf: Oh..cheer up..or I could..strip naked and paint myself gold?


Phil: If I have sex with you, will you stop blackmailing me?


Wolf: It isn't blackmail!! Although..I will say yes to the sex


Phil: Ah-Ha! Since when have you ever said NO to sex?!


Wolf: Never


She leans down and kisses him, rolling him onto his back


Phil: Y'know..at least i'm not Frank..Mantis's KILL after they mate!


Wolf: I don't think she'd kill him..she still gets too much use out of him!


They hear the sound of screams and yells. Phil lifts his head and watches out of the still-open

door as Frank claws at the stone steps of his house, Mantis, practically naked, grabbing ahold of his legs


Mantis: COME ON!!!! JUST ANOTHER QUICKIE!!


Frank: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE OR DEAD!!!


Mantis: Oh, come on, you pussy!


Frank: NEVER!!!!!


Mantis starts to drag him roughly. Frank digs his nails into the ground, but Mantis is dragging him slowly


Frank: SOMEBODY HELP!! OH MY GOD!!


Steve runs into the living room, carrying a fishing rod with a Hersheys Cookies n Creme bar attached to the hook.


Steve: I'm-a coming Frank!!


Phil: Wait!


Steve stops, and Phil leans up, putting a peanut on the end


Steve: Forgot the peanuts! Thanks PHIIIL!!


Steve runs out, wielding the fishing rod and charging at Mantis, the door slamming shut behind him in a quick gust. Sal, who is walking by, watches as Steve hurls the hook at Mantis, screaming wildly


Sal: ..What the fuck?!


Mantis looks at the Hersheys bar and hisses, letting go of Frank and running inside. Frank slowly crawls down the steps


Frank: Oh..god..thank you Steve..


Jericho stumbles near them and looks at Frank as Steve drops the fishing rod and turns back to his, Phils, Wolfs and Jerichos house


Jericho: Hey..he dropped your rod!! OH MY GOD!! AMERICAN CHOCOLATE!!


Jericho dives onto the fishing rod and starts gnawing at the chocolate bar. Mantis immediately walks out and grabs Frank again


Frank: I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU JERICHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
She slams the door behind them. Back in Phil, Steve, Jerichos and Wolfs house, Phil sets his head back down.


Phil: ...So what do wolves do after they mate?


Wolf: Lay claim to their mates testicles.


Phil stares up at her, but she sticks out her tongue


Wolf: Nah..ever heard of the saying 'Wolves mate for life?'


Phil: Wow..they don't stop..NOT EVEN FOR BISCUITS!


Wolf: Nope, not for biscuits, not anything!


She kisses him, wrapping an arm around his neck, but Phil is busy thinking


Phil: So what about sugar gliders?


Wolf: Good in bed.


Phil raises an eyebrow, and Wolf looks away, whistling. Phil simply shrugs.


Phil: Well..can't say I know. Me and Tavi never went that far.


Wolf: Why not?


Phil: Human and Anthro?..Could never live that down..


He stands up and walks to the table, dramatically sad Spanish Guitar music playing


Phil: We got together in Chechnya, during our Academy Units training mission..But I got into a bad way with some Chechen militants we were aiding..I figured it would be best to leave her..keep her safe, y'know? She's hated me ever since..


He turns to Steve, who's standing there playing a Spanish Guitar


Steve: Oh..I'm sorry. I’m sorry, Phil


Phil: It’s ok Steve..


Steve: Sorry. So sorry..


Steve walks to the kitchen, pouring himself from cereal. Phil simply sits at the table, grabbing a cloth and starting to buff up the cloth barrel of his Mk. 17 Assault Rifle. Wolf walks over and kisses him on his cheek.


Wolf: It all happens for a reason, babe


Phil: Ha..I was saving her, and she didn't even know it....We all left something behind in Chechnya..Ivan, 2 dead comrades, Franks sobriety, Sals manifestos, and I left a safe anthro as she fled the border..Thats war, Wolf. There are no heroes..only survivors..Like your infamous Unit..


Wolf looks at him, silently and sadly, placing a hand on his shoulder and gripping loosely, but Phil stands, facing her and placing his hand on the side of her neck


Phil: Why did she come back, anyway?


Wolf: I think..part of it was to see you..


Phil: Ha..She holds no end of animosity towards me..


Wolf lets go and turns around, sitting on the couch and crossing one leg over another, listening to Franks screams


Wolf: But you haven’t let your feelings go, have you?


Phil: I have..I just realized she would never forgive me, s’all


Wolf: Well..she lost a really great guy..but.................I’m sorry..It’s not really my place to place judgment..


Phil: No..it’s ok...maybe one day she’ll learn the truth..


Phil walks over and absent-mindedly rubs her shoulders


Phil: Damn..you’re tense..


Wolf looks up at him, smirking


Wolf: I’ll talk to her if you want..


He rubs more, using his thumbs.


Phil: I’ll talk to her in a minute..I’ll get breakfast first..


She leans her head up and kisses him on the lips. The door flies open and Jericho stumbles in. Both of them break the kiss and face him


Jericho: ....I’ve been drinkinginging..


He falls forward and collapses to the floor instantly. Johan is slowly creeping into the side alley next to Franks house, quickening up when he sees Phils door open.


Phil: I’d kill to live in a normal neighbourhood.


**9:30am**




In The Lamb and Flag, Dick is laying with his head on the bar. Maurice watches him from the kitchen.


Maurice: Poor laddies depressed..Everyones asleep, really


Moe: Except those who are drunk


They look at That Hispanic Guy, Stoofer, Bobby, That Other Random Guy and Johan who are surrounded by lime peels and Jose Cuervo Tequila bottles, singing 'Humanos Mexicanos' at the top of their lungs

Maurice: Gotta give it to 'em..Not even ten in the mornin'

That Hispanic Guy pulls out a bullwhip and snaps it at Dick, who jumps up sleepily

Dick: Huh..wha—

Johan: MORE TEQUILA! STAT!


Dick: Y-Yeah..Ok..Whatever..


Dick slowly turns around and grabs a bottle of Tequila. That Other Random Guy hurls an empty bottle at his head and knocks him out instantly.


Stoofer: D-Dude! Yuou knocked out thee bar man!


That Other Random Guy: Oh…duuuuudeee…


Johan: Merde!

Maurice grabs the hose from behind the bar and points it at them, turning it on. They scream as he chases them outside, spraying them violently with water. Frank, who is about to enter the Dog and Handgun with Screaming Mantis, watches as they all fall outside with Maurice standing over them, spraying them

Maurice: YA FOOKIN DRUNKS!! GIT OUTTA HERE!!


They all stand up, still being sprayed and run off into the town square. Maurice looks at Frank


Maurice: Lovely day, innit?


He walks back into the Lamb and Flag.


Frank: ….Ok


Brick opens the window and looks down at Frank and Mantis


Brick: Go in, Mantis! Fuck off, Frank!


Frank: Come on, guys! Don’t be like that!


Brick flips him the bird and shuts the window. Frank and Mantis enter the door on the right into the pub. In his room upstairs, Brick walks over to a glass case on a dresser next to a large double-bed and kneels down, watching as Mr. Moneypennies curls around a branch


Mr. Moneypennies: Yo dawg, you taking me for the Moses ride, right?


Brick: Damn right snake dude!


Vince walks into the room covered in a towel, drying his ears

Vince: I seriously am not looking forward to this whole shindig again


Brick: What? Running in circles screaming while we get shot at?

Vince: Yeah! I kept meaning to buy running shoes..but..meh..At least that shower kit you bought me for Chrimbos lasting!


Brick: You’re gonna rub expensive shower gel on your feet to stop getting blisters?


Vince: Damn straight.


Brick: That’s like me rubbing caviar on me buttcrack to stop my farts smelling


Vince: You should try it sometime.


Brick puts on a t-shirt and jeans and walks downstairs, where Mantis and Frank are. Bob and Octopus also enter as Brick goes down the stairs


Bob: I think Phils lost it. He’s outside ReLoaded practicing to knock a door and talking to himself.
Frank: He lost it WAY before then

Bob: But..Ah, fuck it. I’m just not looking forward to Shadow Moses..

Octopus: Neither am I..


Bob: YOU’RE not going!!


Octopus and Mantis: Closer to psychoticness.


Frank and Bob look at eachother


Bob, Frank and Brick: Ah shit.


Phil is outside ReLoaded, scuffing his heels


Phils brain: Knock, you dumbass.


Jericho walks behind him, watching him


Jericho: Forgot how to knock on a door, dummy?


Phil: Jericho?


Jericho: Yup?


Phil: Go fuck yourself in the face.


Jericho: Good morning to you too! Why are you here? Re-stocking early?


Phil: Nope, got some shit to do.


Jericho: You do that..the Dog and Handguns got those Chechen poker players in—


Phils leg shudders


Jericho: Oh yeah! You owe those guys money!


Phil: Shut up, Jerry!


Jericho: Not my fault you’re hands suck, and you’re poker face looks like a gurner with

constipation.


Phil: Hey, Jerry, how about you go play cards with the Chechen militants..and I won’t tell them

who’s wives you got pregnant on the mission?


Silence.


Jericho: This. Ain’t. Over.


He points to his eyes and then at Phil, but Phil simply gives him a ‘Wanker’ handsign. Jericho shoves him with one hand and runs off, sniggering.


Phil: Stupid cunt..


He turns around to see the door open with Tavis face, her fur and hair disheveled and crumpled, staring at him. Phil screams repeatedly.


Phil: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! AHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!


Tavi: SHUT UP!!


Phil screams once more, and takes a deep breath


Phil: Jesus! Don’t scare me like that!


Tavi: What do you want?


Phil: We..need to talk about..Chechnya


More sorrowful Spanish Guitar music plays and Phil turns around, looking at Steve



Phil: Steve.



Steve: Yes'm?



Phil: ....Can you get me a Dodo egg for my dinner?



Steve: OH BOY! WILL I!



Steve runs off, playing the guitar rapidly. Phil blinks.



Phil: And this is why I should have never done tequila shooters within the range of a Conscript Office!



He turns to Tavi, whose eyes narrow, and Phil remains straight-faced



Tavi: ...Chechnya?...Come in..


Phils brain: Smooth move.


She simply pulls a chair from behind the door and slides it to near the counter, and she gestures for him to sit down. Will walks by with Raging Raven


Will: Heyyyyy!! Top o' the morning to y'all!


Tavi gives a quick, fake grin


Tavi: And the rest of the day to yourself!


Will: I know..it's because i'm so hot..


Raven: What are you two doing?


Silence.


Tavi: We're going to have a talk.


Will: Hey! Phil! You FINALLY get the talk about the birds and the bees! Good on you!


Phil turns around and shakes his fist at him. Will adopts a Southpaw stance


Will: Queensbury Rules?!


Raven: C'mon! Let them repair what little of a relationship and sanity they have left.


Phil: Jokes on you, Raven. I LOST my sanity!


Silence.


Raven: Plain as the light of the day. C'mon Will..let's get the drinks flowing..


Will: Oh yeah..


They walk off and Phil turns around, Tavi grabs him by the scruff of his neck and pulls him into ReLoaded, shutting the door behind him. Phil sits in the chair while Tavi hops onto the counter.


Tavi: What about it? The fact you abandoned me? Or the fact that I decided to stay rather than come back?


Silence.


Tavi: I hope to God you're not looking up my nightgown, Phil.


Silence. Phil quickly raises his eyes to look into Tavis


Phil: I wasn't!


Tavi: PHIL.


Phil: Look...it wasn't that at all...we were..young, stupid--


Tavi: You were young, stupid, perverted, idiotic, gambling, drunken--


Phil: OK! OK! But the point is I did NOT break up with you for NO reason!


Tavi nods


Tavi: Explain.


Phils brain: What I wouldn't give to be back in Chechnya having my asshole pried open by a crowbar right now..


Phil: Well..I ended up playing..Poker with a bunch of Chechen militants we were supposed to be helping out..You know what i'm like.. Can't play a good hand to save my life..I lost..ended up owing a lot of money...But..these Chechens..Vicious buggers..Every time we went to that village, they were there..leering at me, taunting me, they set our damn truck on fire along with poor Vinnie..So..I broke up with you..because it was safer for you if anything happened to me..The closer you were to me, the more of a target you were to them..I couldn't risk it..


Phils brain: And the same Chechens are in the Dog and Handgun right now?


Other Half of Phils brain: Random Plot Line, Batman! We're gonna die!


Phils brain: No..we're not..Are we? Well, if anything, it's gonna be slow and painful!


Phil gulps.


Tavi: You really shouldn't judge me by my cover..I would have been willing to take the risk with you..You hurt me more by leaving then...but..


She jumps off the counter and holds his face, making him look up at her


Tavi: I can forgive you.....for trying to protect me, that is


He breaks herself from her grip and stands up


Phil: But why did you stay in Chechnya?..Why did you even come back?


Tavi: It was harder from me to escape from Chechnya than you think..I managed to hide in the

back of a Russian munitions truck when they took the village..once I was in Russia, I managed to hide out in Saint Petersburg for a small while when the PMCs started coming to power..eventually, I heard there were pockets of annexed states of freedom all around the world, to mercenaries brave enough and with enough courage to stand up to Ocelots forces and stop him taking over the world..


Phil beams.


Tavi: so naturally, I knew you cowards would be hiding in a place where even Ocelot couldn't get you, and once I got to the Academy, it became clear you people didn't have an ounce of bravery in you..airlifting the thing from London to here..


Phils face falls.


Phil: It was..uhh..Bricks idea..


Bricks voice: Fuck you, Phil! It was clearly Vinces!


Vince: Hey! I thought we all agreed it was Franks idea!


Franks far-off voice: Fuck you all! You bastards!


Tavi: Whatever..and the reason I came back was....well, none of your business...Why do you care? Not like i'm your girlfriend.


Phil shrugs


Phil: Because..


He turns around


Tavi: I will shoot you if you don't tell me the truth.


Silence.


Phil: I wanted you to be..happy


Brick: Whay! Ya Pussy!


Phil: Excuse me one second.


Phil walks out of the door. Silence for a few seconds. Sounds of screaming, punches and chairs being thrown and broken. Phil walks through the door, dusting himself off. Tavi launches at him

and hugs him tightly. Phil simply stands there, bewildered.


Tavi: I am happy..and I can forgive you..


She lets go, and slaps his cheek.


Phil: WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!


Tavi: For being a bastard...AND to get you to forgive yourself.


Phil: ...Not yet, I still got a fight to finish..


Tavi: With who?!



Phil: Gotta repay..Nojjgild.


Silence.


Phil: Blood money.


Silence. Tavi bites her lower lip.


Tavi: Will it make you forgive yourself after?


Phil: Oh yes it will.


Phil reaches into his pocket, pulling out his silver-plated Colt .45 which Steve gave him. Tavi hugs him and headbutts him in the side of his head. Phil stumbles to the side and she walks to the counter


Tavi: Get your ass back alive! Y'hear?!


She reaches under the counter and slams an extra .45 clip onto the counter


Tavi: Need extra?


Phil: Like hell. One clips enough for Three Chechens!


Silence. Phil grabs the cartridge anyway


Tavi: Good.


Tavi looks over her shoulder at the store


Tavi: Well, I gotta go keep Wolf company anyway


Phil: In my house?! Is that becoming a hub or something?!


Tavi: Either way, you better come back in one piece!


She smiles at him and exits, shutting the jingling door behind her


Phil: ....Yeah.


He looks behind him and grins, ducking behind the counter and shoving the door to the backyard open. Courtney is out back, firing a .45 Magnum at a human-shaped target, only shooting at the groin repeatedly. She holds up the Vulcan hand sign, not looking away. Phil looks at the target, but shakes his head and walks past her. He reaches a pile of boxes, covered by a khaki tarpaulin. He pulls off the tarpaulin and flips the catches on the top box


Courtney: Out for the kill?


Phil: You betcha.


He pulls out a disposable Anti-Tank Missile Launcher and grins, throwing it into the air and catching it


Courtney: FUN!


She points her gun to shoot at the tube, but twists it around and shoots at the target, between its eyes. Phil simply stares as Courtney stands there, grinning


Courtney: Have fun!


Silence. Phil pulls a nylon strap from the box, looping it through 2 catches on the launcher and strapping it to his back


Courtney: So who's the unlucky one?


Phil walks towards her, lowering his voice to a whisper


Phil: Chechen militants.


Courtney: ohhhh!! Those guys who are at the Dog and Handgun! Yeah, I heard they cheat at Poker..Plus they're driving that Jeep around and taking photos of the weakest buildings..weird, huh?


Silence.


Phil: Oh yes. Very weird.


Courtney: I'd be thinking they were planning to bomb us for us letting Russia take them over those few years back..But, no-one can hold that big of a grudge, right?!


Silence.


Phil: Where is this Jeep, you say?


Courtney: To the Southwest.


She points the gun at the target and blows its head clean off the shoulders. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a small, black mobile-phone style box


Courtney: Take this..Its a Signal Interceptor..Should be enough to get the low down on where they are


Phil: Thanks babe.


Courtney: ..Eh?


Phil is already in the shop at this point. Courtney shrugs and turns around, admiring her handywork. Phil ducks underneath the counter, watching as Johan, That Hispanic Guy, Brick, Vince, Frank, Crazy Ivan, Dean and Karab start picking the shop clean, Ivan himself tucking several pounds of Semtex and C4 up his sweater.


Phil: ...What the fuck?!


Karab looks at him.


Karab: You did not see anything......right?


Silence.


Phil: You gimme that frag grenade belt you're holding and we'll call it even stevens.


Karab: Bastard!


Dean shrugs and tightens several bullet belts across his chest, spinning two Colt Pythons in his hand


Dean: YEAH BABY!


Phil throws the grenade belt into the air and catches it, walking outside. Ivan is busy shoving Semtex up his top


Frank: hey, Ivan, don't trip, or you'll blow us all to hell!


Ivan: BIG KABOOM?!?!?!?!


Dean: Very big kaboom.


Ivan: KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!


Brick and Vince laugh forcefully, slowly sidestepping to Frank.


Vince: Save us from this man.


Frank: This man is one of our highest rated mercenaries!


Brick and Vince stare at Ivan, who is pretending to ballroom dance with a stick of dynamite


Vince: Did the other mercenaries die or something?!


Frank: No, its just you rarely see mercenaries rarely lay their lives down for the good of the world. They prefer to drink. Like me, naturally.


Frank picks up a bottle of clear liquid and shrugs, unscrewing the top and downing it. Brick twitches as he watches.


Johan: HAHAHA! FRANK DRINK ETHANOL!


Frank wipes his mouth, nodding at the bottle


Frank: Has a certain...tang..to it.


Vince: Frank. You just drank Ethanol.


Frank: Nice, isn't it?


Silence.


Dean: Frank..Ethanol is pure alcohol..You should be dead right now.


Frank looks at him.


Frank: It tastes..nice.


Silence.


Karab: So, the urban legend is true. Frank Daniels blood truly is one hundred percent proof.


Dean: Frank, your blood can pickle an egg. Are you happy with this achievement?


Courtney opens the rear door and stands there, staring at them. Brick flinches.


Brick: Oh fuck.


Courtney cocks the hammer of her gun, grinning evilly


Courtney: Get...out..........NOW.


They all scream and scramble for the door as Courtney fires at them. Dean and Karab jump through the windows and run off to their kebab shop as the others pile through the door. They

quickly run in through the side door and Karab slams it, locking it shut.


**1.30pm**


Karab is standing at the counter, wearing a red and white striped apron, looking bored. Dean is busy reading a newspaper behind him, smoking a cigar.

Dean: Shifts over in half an hour..fancy getting a drink after?

Karab: Please!

Dean: Get several in..Shadow Moses is a-calling!

Karab: I don't see why I have to go!

Dean: You have the shield. We have the cowards. We naturally mix together.

Karab: Ahh..touche.

Dean: Eh?

Karab: ...Nothing

Dean: It's days like this, staring down possible screaming death that I wonder how my brothers doing..

Karab: You have brother?

Dean: Well..yeah


Karab turns to him, raising an eyebrow, but nods


Karab: Ahhhh!! I was wondering who's face you pasted mine over in those family photographs!


Dean: That's right..Samuel Chevrolet..

He stands up, walking towards the side window and looking out into the alley.

Dean: Samuel..The fathers favourite..His youngest son...Oh! Pretty Sammy! Oh! Smart Sammy!
Taught his ass a lesson though..left him to fight off a pack of Skinwalkers in Idaho..that oughta
teach him for being a schizophrenic, demonic little son of a--

Karab: Skinwalkers? They're myth, crazy fool!


Silence. Dean stares at him, but shakes his head and smiles


Dean: Of course..what did I say? Skinwalkers..I mean...uhh...Cannibals..No! I mean..Muggers..Yeah, muggers.

They stare at eachother, and Dean smiles innocently. The door jingles and Karab quickly turns around as Crazy Ivan, Johnny Cash, Drebin, Alex Shelley, Steve and Dave enter.


Dave: Ah! There's always a line!

Dean: Why do people only come when its close to closing time!


Johnny Cash: To piss you off, boy! Now shut up!


Dean: ....bastard..


Cash: You say something, son?!?!


Dean: Nothing! Nothing at all!


Cash: Damn straight.


Crazy Ivan: Vell..I guess i'll have..ze..battered sausage..chips..and curry..


Dean folds the newspaper and stands up, walking into the kitchen in the back.


Dave: You best not be stomping on rats back there!


Deans voice: Fuck you, Dave! Our sausage is prime Iguana meat!


Karab hands Ivan his order, and Ivan takes the polystyrene tray, setting down some money and walking out


Drebin: Hotdamn! Why haven't Drebin Points caught on yet?


Karab: Way too cheap. Money rules.


Drebin narrows his eyes


Drebin: You'll regret that, greasy boy.


He clicks his fingers and Little Grey jumps out from the back of his shirt, screaming wildly and jumping onto the counter, latching itself to Karabs face. Karab screams and runs around as Little Grey slaps him repeatedly. Alex Shelley watches, clapping and laughing. Cash growls and slams the counter.


Cash: I ain't got all day!


Shelley: Ahh...almost as hilarious as Phil out there, talking to a sugar glider as he tunes his mobile phone...I love this place!


As Ivan walks outside, he steps back as That Hispanic Guy drunkenly tumbles at his feet. Ivan nonchalantly steps over him, and he watches as Phil heads into the square. In the square, Bill and Sal are busy talking, with Bill putting notes into Sals hands


Bill: Five-Ten, Five-Twenty, Five-Thirty--


They stop and whistle innocently as Phil walks through the square. As he passes through, they go back to counting


Bill: Five fourty..and five fifty! Now cough up.


Sal reaches into the briefcase, pulls out a solid gold bar and puts it into Bills hand. He sniffs it and bites it.


Bill: REAL mayan gold! Fantastic!


Sal: Dude! Don't bite it! I found that bar in the inside of a mummies bandages


Silence. Bill spits repeatedly onto the ground.



Bi: I TASTE DEATH!


Sal: Calm! Thats just the oils of a several thousand year old corpse adding extra..flavour


Bill vomits onto the ground, getting on all fours


Bill: YOU FUCKING BASTARD!


Sal: That's me, and all in the name of money.


Sal locks the briefcase and walks a few steps, only for Ivan to stand in front of him


Ivan: Vell, vell, vellll....If it isn't Sal Porpington..Vats in zat briefcase?


Silence.


Sal: Papers.


Ivan: For vat?


Silence. Bill retches some more.


Bill: I TASTE MUMMY GOO!!!



Silence.



Sal: A court case?


Ivan: Concerning ze poisoning of Bill from a vone vousand year old mummy?


Silence.

Sal: ...Yes?


Ivan: And it isn't Mayan gold stole from the back of a truck heading for Phils house, which he so desperately wants as payment to decode his manuscript....right?


Sal: Yes!


Ivan: How about you pay me a gold bar, and ve von't be seeing your guts strewn avout ze place..yes?


Sal: Blackmailing bastard!


Ivan: Yes..vell..I am ze one voted most likely to kill everyvan in this town..


Sal: Really?


Johnny Cash walks by, eating a bag of chips



Cash: Damn! I hoped that would be my title!


Bill slowly crawls around, holding his gold close. Sal sighs and slams a gold bar into his hand.


Sal: Oh..there!


Ivan: HEHEHEHEHEHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!


Ivan cackles loudly and runs off, past a dumpster where Phil is kneeling behind and into Drebins Pawn Shop. Phil is listening intently as a jeep starts to roll through the street, through a barricade which a bulldozer had recently cleared. He flips the lid of the dumpster open and angles the launcher in it as the jeep whirss by.


Phil: SAY CHEESE, CHECHEN BASTARDS!!


He flips the switch and a rocket fires out, leaving a trail of smoke. It collides with the jeep, sending a huge plume of orange and yellow flames and thick black smoke into the air. A charred body slumps out of the jeep and the wall of the building closest to the jeep has been blown off into rubble. Phil stands up triumphantly


Phil: I am fr--


A crowbar smashes into the back of his neck and a Chechen, bald and scarred, wearing a tight eyepatch, blue windbreaker, desert camouflage pants and red boots stands over him. Sal, in the town square watching this, whistles innocently and walks away. Frank peeks his head out of a building behind and opposite Sal


Frank: Psst..Sal..What was that explosion just now?


Sal: Oh..Just Phil..


Chechens voice: You not pay money. You kill friends. You leave me alive..YOU PAY.


The sound of fighting and hissing


Tavi: YOU BASTARD!


Chechen: YOU DEMON! YOU NOT EVEN HUMAN! I RID WORLD OF YOU!


Sal simply nods


Sal: Told you so.


Frank: Has he got it covered? Those Chechens are mighty mo--


Phil: FUCK! MY HAND!



Sal: Him? Covered?


Tavi rolls into the square weakly, clutching her head


Tavi: Damn Chechen..He can punch..


She spits some blood onto the pavement, looking up at Sal


Tavi: Take a picture..it lasts longer..


Frank: So does--


Frank screams like a girl as Phil and the Chechen collapse through the wall of his building. He runs out and Tavi rushes around the corner, jumping in with them, but the Chechen kicks Phil backwards into Tavi. They fall backwards and the Chechen follows them


Chechen: Time to die.


Frank: NOT IF I CAN HELP IT!


He jumps at the Chechen, who turns around and punches him square in the jaw. Frank collapses backwards, but Phil rushes forward and jumps onto his back, locking in a Sleeper Hold


Phil: NIGHTY NIGHT CHECHEN!


The Chechen turns and Tavi grabs a Wyatt Earp revolver from her belt, cocking it and shooting the Chechen in the head. Phil jumps off him, his head and chest covered in blood and brain matter. The man collapses to the floor, dead.


Phil: ...Ewwww...


Tavi: You're welcome..


Phil: Typical Tavi..Still hasn't lost the urge for the kill..


Tavi: Typical Phil..still hasn't lost the urge to get his ass kicked..


Phil slowly wipes himself free from the dead mans brain matter and sal walks over, patting his back


Sal: Well, at least you survived more than 5 seconds..


All 3 of them turn and look down at Frank


Phil: Moron..


Phil turns around and quickly kisses Tavi on the lips. She stands there, surprised, eyes wide


Tavi: ....Uhh..


Phil: What?


Tavi remains silent, her tail twitching happily


Tavi: Nothing..just--


Wolf walks into the square, grinning and clapping


Wolf: I'm glad you two got together..you're such a lovely couple..


Silence.


Phil: Who said any--


Tavi: I know..I'm glad too..Chechnyas in the past, and we can build a future..


Phil: What the--



Wolf: Yes..I invited the Chechens to come over, because I know you and Tavi love eachother so much..and you both love me..



Phil stands there, mouth open. Frankand Sal watch, sniggering as Tavi leans in and kisses him on the cheek, her tail wrapping around his neck


Wolf: Phils going to be polyamorous aren't you?


Phil: HELL N--


Wolf: Oh..you sweetheart! I love you too!


Wolf and Tavi hug Phil tightly, and he stares at Sal. Sal simply shrugs him off and turns around


Sal: Pub time.


Tavi and Wolf let go of Phil and hi-5, kissing eachother before turning and kissing Phil


Wolf: See you in the Lamb and Flag


Tavi: Boyfriend..


Tavi shakes her ass at him and winks, walking off hand in hand with Wolf. Phil stands there in disbelief


Phil: OH MY GOD! I'VE GOT ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND!


He starts screaming and crying wildly, falling to the floor and convulsing. Ivan walks out of Drebins shop, wearing a silk Italian suit and golden eyepatch, looking at the wreckage of the jeep, and Franks unconscious body, and Phils crying and screaming body


Ivan: Vhy do I alvays miss the good stuff?


**6pm**


Most of the mercenaries are in the Lamb and Flag, as the day of returning to Shadow Moses draws closer. The Dog and Handgun has locked its doors for the final time in a long time, and so has Dean and Karabs Kebab-O-Rama. Drebin is at the bar, standing next to Robbie with a briefcase opened. Dick watches sadly.

Drebin: So..Robbie..Can I interest you in..THIS?!

Drebin pulls a handkerchief from his briefcase and flips it, it unfolds in mid-air and an M4 falls into his hands

Robbie: You gimme one of those magic handkerchiefs and we gotta deal!

Drebin: NO! MY MAGIC HANDKERCHIEFS!

Drebin clutches a handkerchief and flicks it, letting two grenades fall out

Drebin: AHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!

Robbie stares at one of the grenades

Robbie: That one doesn't have a pin.

Dick screams and crawls over the bar, grabbing the grenade and throwing it through the window, the bar lighting up in a yellow explosion

Drebin: I call that the mystery package..

Robbie: ...Seriously. I want one of those handkerchiefs.

Drebin grabs two and juggles them, they unfold in the air and he catches two Sawn-Off Shotguns in his hand. Tom Morello, who is at the bar ordering a drink, watches him

Morello: Amateur.

Drebin: Oh yeah? You can do better?

Morello pulls the head and neck off his guitar, revealing a Flamethrower

Drebin: Pathe--

Morello then flicks two hidden catches on the guitars body, revealing a grill for a barbecue

Robbie: I'll have that!

Morello: It ain't for sale..but I do have..

Morello pulls a fishes head out of his back pocket and pulls it over his head. That Random Guy walks downstairs from the upstairs room and looks around the bar

That Random Guy: Hi Dick, Hi Robbie, Hi Drebin..Where's Tom Morello? I heard him.

Morello stands there, blinking. Robbie rolls his eyes, but Drebin is staring at Morello..or at least..

Drebin: I say! He's gone! All I can see this walking fish! It's amazing!

That Random Guy: I know!

Frank Sinatra walks over and growls, pulling the fish head off Morellos head. De La Rocha, Brad Wilk and Timmy C, sitting at their own table, applaud

De La Rocha: FISH HAT!!! IT'LL SAVE YOUR ASS!!

Robbie simply blinks

Robbie: Drebin. I'll take the M4.

Drebin: Good choice, sir

Morello: DON'T ACT LIKE YOU'RE UNIMPRESSED!!

He storms off, but That Random Guy follows him

That R: I LIKE IT, TOM!!!

Robbie takes the M4 and sits at the bar, giving the thumbs up to Phil, who is sitting at a table with Steve, Vince, Sal, Dean, Karab, Tavi and Crying Wolf, wearing a neckbrace. Tavi has her head in her hands, looking at Phil dreamily. Karab is looking edgy next to her


Tavi: ..I love you Phil..


Phil: I..uhh..love you too?


Wolf sighs happily


Wolf: I love both of you..


Phil leans over to Dean


Phil: Kill me. Please.


Dean: No can do, buddy.


He pats his back and Steve pats Phils back too


Steve: Phil..I do worry about you sometimes


Phil smiles and sits up slowly, scuffing Steves hair


Phil: Y’know Steve? You’re like that insane little brother I never had!


Ivan looks over from his, Rage Against The Machines, That Other Random Guy, That Hispanic Guy and Stoofers table


Ivan: I thought I vas the little brother you never had!


Phil: More like the cousin three-times removed!


Ivan: Sveet!


That Hispanic Guy: Fucking insano.


Ivan: Fuck you, vanker!!


Ivan jumps to his feet, and Stoofer stands up, growling at him. Shamrock turns around at his, Randy Coutures, Chuck Liddells, Fedor Emelianenkos, Rashad Evans and Michael Bispings table


Shamrock: ooooo!! Fight!


Johnny Cash: Break their legs!


Both of them simply sit down, and the bar boos


Maurice: Bastards!


He turns to his table of Moe, Brick and Jon


Maurice: Believe this kids? Not fighting when we want blood!


Jon: Oh, you'll be getting it at Shadow Moses! NOT ME!


Brick: Shut up, cocksucker, or I'll jam my foot so far down your throat you'll be shitting toenails for weeks!

Jon: You're so mean, Brick! This is why we never had a meaningful relationship in the Unit!


Silence. The whole bar turns to face them. Brick remains straightfaced, grabs his bottle of Budweiser and smashes it over Jons head, knocking him out


Brick: Lies and slander.


Bobby: Well on the topic of familia.. me and Johan are actually 3rd cousins


Will sniggers


Bobby: What?


Will: Really? Nah..you’re just doing that funky ghetto stereotype thing! S’all cool


Johan: We’re 3rd cousins.


Silence.


Will: Ok..Suuuuuuuure


Johan grabs Will by the collar of his suit and lifts him high, but Phil rushes over and grabs Johans huge arm


phil: NO! JOHAN! YOU’LL WASTE VALUABLE ENERGY PUNCHING THE FUCK!


Will: Fuuuck you!!! GACK!


Johan tightens his grip before dropping him


Phil: Good Johan..Now what do we say?


Will scrambles up onto a stool and looks at Johan, breathing heavily. Johan shrugs


Phil: No! We look at him


Johan turns to face Will who flinches


Phil: Smeeeeeee...ggggg...


Johan: ...Smeh..Sma..Smeg!


Phil: Heeeaaaaa...ddddd..


Johan: Had..Her...Head! SMEGHEAD!


Will stands there, dumbstruck as the bar bursts out laughing


Johan: You is smeghead!


Will: FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU BOTH!


Phil: Ahh...sorry Will, don’t get your panties in a twist!


Will: For your information, its a thong!


Silence.


Dick: ...Jesus Christ!


Will: And its chafing! So leave me be!


Frank: Will..you’re fucking weird


Will: Go fuck yourself cockfuck


Tavi: Stop swearing!


Will: Fuck you fucker


Phil: OI! MOTHERFUCK! SHUT IT!


Will: Or what fuckface cockbitch?


Moe stands up and hurls a pint glass, smashing off Wills head and making him collapse


phil: THANKS MOE!


Moe gives the ‘Ok’ hand gesture and sits down. Phil sits down with Frank, Sal, Vince and Steve again


Sal: How did we ever get into this?


Phil: We went through the academy, no-one thought we would be like this


Vince: Remember our class?


Training Academy
2 years into course
1st day into 2nd year of course


The hazy flashback cuts to a rugged grey-haired, old teacher, wearing a white vest, red gym shorts and sneakers with a silver whistle around his neck. in front of a chalkboard, scratching chalk into it roughly and putting it down. He turns around, stroking his scraggly beard


Teacher: Ok idiots! Pay attention!


Class: Yes Mr. Lynch..


Lynch: Now, hands up if you think being a mercenary is all about shooting big guns, drinking beer and having sex with fine women?


Everyones hand shoots up, including a young Phils, Steves, Vinces, Sals, Deans, Jons and Wills, who’s hand is shaking frantically


Lynch: YOU’RE ALL RIGHT!


A huge cheer goes up, but Lynch swipes his hand across his throat and the class gulps, silencing


Lynch: But you need to realize it won’t always be like that! Women..Al Bundy!


The door opens and Al Bundy, wearing his royal blue Polk High uniform with his pants covered in grasstains, still wearing his helmet, marches in. He takes it off and waves to the class


Bundy: Listen here you morons! If you think a woman is good fun, you better run! You see..when you’re a mercenary, you can either be on the side of a woman, or fight a woman...NEITHER are good!


Sal raises his hand


Sal: Isn’t that sexist?


Lynch takes off his shoe and hurls it at Sal, hitting him on the forehead and knocking him out


Bundy: NO! Now, if you are fighting a woman..she will kill you! No exceptions! They are sneaky, they appeal to your testosterone! The moment they flash their breasts, they can and they will put a bullet between your barren eyes faster than you can say ‘Oh Momma’! Now, if you have one on your side, she will haunt you. She will cling, but she won’t shoot. She will expect you to shoot for her! To top it off, you will get pounced and sexed more times than a horny gorilla! And that is women!


The class cheers and salutes Al Bundy, who waves gratefully and trudges off


Lynch: Football coach Al Bundy there..


Phil is the only one taking notes at this point. Sal comes to.


Lynch: And men..there will be times when you hate life, and want to put your gun in your mouth and pull the trigger! But you can’t! For you are the first, and I sure as fuck hope NOT the last line of defence! It is your job to assault and assault until the enemy screams bloody fucking hell! You are to persevere! You look around! ALL OF YOU!


Everyone looks around at their classmates


Lynch: THEY are your team-mates! You will eat with them, sleep with them--


Will starts sobbing hysterically


Lynch: Fight with them, alongside them..YOU ARE ALL BROTHERS!


A huge roar of approval goes up as the crowd jumps to their feet


Lynch: NOW WHO WANTS A PINT?!


Frank kicks open the door


Frank: THE HEAD HONCHO CLASS DEMANDS A PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Vince: That explains a lot.


Sal: You really think Franks gone as far to get Coach Lynch back?


Phil: How old would Lynch be by now? His late 40s? Maybe he’s retired..Who knows? It can’;t be worse than the academy.


Steve: I remember when he looked you in a cage, Phil!


Vince: Oh yeah! Dangling from the ceiling, in a cage, all because you giggled at the word ‘poop deck!


Dean: Oh yeah, Vince? How about the time he forced you to do 2 laps on a ring of hot coals because you called Lynch ‘Minch’?

Sal: What did Minch even mean?!

Vince: I thought it was funny at the time!

Dean: Funny? You’re whacked man.

Will leans over to their table

Will: Look, pansies, The last time Lynch saw 40 was 1940. The battlefields way too advanced for guys like him now..

Karab: They said that about guerillas and mercenaries.

Maurice leans over too.

Maurice: Exactly. But..I doubt Lynch will be here..

Vince: No offence, Wor Maur, but weren’t you in Lashes class?

Training Academy
1 year 6 months into course
671 days into course

The flashback cuts to a class where the teacher is standing in front of a chalkboard with his arms folded, his face entirely covered with bandages apart from a few holes in his nose, mouth and eyes to see and breath. He’s wearing a long leather coat, leather gloves and desert camouflage fatigues. He growls like a dog from underneath the bandages as he watches the class copy notes intently. We cut to a younger Obese Maurice, who is much thinner than he is today. Next to him, on several stacked chairs, sits Moe, who looks slightly younger too.

Lash: STOP WORKING!

The class immediately puts down their pencils and look up at Mr. Lash

Lash: Now, you little pussies and faggots, The reason I got you to copy down these attacking formations is because it’s up to us to show some semblance of intelligence and aggression! Everyone knows the Head Honcho class is a bunch of elitist faggots, while the normal soldier classes are practically fucking useless if it wasn’t for Coach Lynch, Coach Garrott or Coach
Cussion! WE ARE THE FUTURE! Got it?

Class: WHY AYE!

Lash: Many of you may be from Newcastle, you may be from Dubai, you may be from Chechnya, you may be from Middlesbrough, one of you has the balls to be from the Arctic!

It cuts to a penguin sitting in a chair at the back of the class, staring blankly at Coach Lash.

Lash: But put your area rivalries asi--Maurice! Were you going to stab Muldew because he’s from Middlesbrough!

Maurice, who had pulled out a switchblade and Muldew, who had pulled out a combat knife, quickly holster their weapons

Maurice and Muldew: No sir.

Lash: Damn straight! There are no Geordies! No Smoggies! No Chechens! No Persians! No Penguins! You are all SOLDIERS and TACTICIANS. You are a UNIT. A hopeless Unit, but a Unit all the same!

The penguin chirps loudly and slaps its flippers together

Lash: OI! MR. DIBBLY! SHUT IT!

The penguin stops

Lash: The fact is, at this moment in time, Cowardly little faggots from PMCs are getting their balls injected with nanomachines because they are impotent little douche-fags! They can’t shoot without drugs! But the soldiers at this academy are home-trained and home-skilled, meaning you will outrank them! How do I know? The PMCs even have a unit of women! WOMEN?! They call them FROGs! FROGS?! That’s a fucking reptile! I hold no end of animosity to you all, but even you useless little fuckers could wipe them out, right?!

Class: RIGHT!

Lash: Are you going to kick some ass?!

Class: YES!!

Lash: Damn right! Now, to Lunch!

Maurice stands up and pounds his chest

Lash: Jesus Maurice, calm down!

Maurice: Is there...pudding?!

Lash: ...Yes!

Moe jumps onto his desk

Moe: PUDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lash Ok--

The wall smashed and showers the back of the class with platser. Mr. Dibbly chirps irritably and runs forward, sliding on his belly. The shower of plaster stops to reveal a student with his legs over his shoulders, twitching violently. Lash looks through the hole to see Coach Cussion standing there in front of his wide-eyed students

Lash: Jesus Con! You need to lay off the steroids!

Cussion: CON CUSSION SMASH! CON CUSSION CRASH!

Lash grabs a speaker and talks into it

Lash: We need horse tranquilizers in room A-13. STAT.


Maurice: Just be thankful it isn’t Coach Cussion..Crazy motherfucker.

Moe: Whatever happened to Mr. Dibbley, anyway?

Maurice: We put him on sniper duty here. He’s on the outskirts of towns, just laying there.

Phil: Invite the dude for a drink!

Maurice: He’s a penguin, Phil mate.

Dean: Who cares? We’ve got psychotically horny women, a porn star, an archeologist, gang members and god knows what else, a penguin won’t harm us!

A penguin, wearing a top hat and carrying a cane slowly walks through the doors. The whole bar turns silent and turns wide-eyed to the penguin

Mr. Dibbley: I say, old bean, I don’t suppose you could fetch me a glass of Drambuie, could you? I heard everyones going out for a little bit of fisticuffs in Shadow Moses, and I think I better put my resume in to go to battle!

Silence.

Mr. Dibbley: Yes. Stare at the talking Penguin with an upper-crust accent, you blue-collar fiends.

Will (Quietly to Vince): Dude. That penguin is totally talking. Am I high?

Vince shakes his head

Vince (Quietly): Unless i’m high too!

Mr. Dibbley: I think you’ll find you are not experiencing any drug-related effects, old chap.

Phil: Dude. That penguin can talk.

Jericho flings open the doors and Dibbley chirps wildly, waddling to turn around and face
Jericho. Jericho simply looks down at the penguin, which looks back at him.

Jericho: .....There’s a penguin in the bar.

Maurice: Aye, its Mister Dibbley! From Coach Lash’s class!

Mr. Dibbley waddles around to Maurice and tips his hat at him

Mr. Dibbley: Maurice! Good to see you alive and well!

Jericho: The penguin can talk. It talks like a posh man.

Phil: We’ve had blue swirly things, Mahatma Gandhi, psychotic sexy women and you’re complaining about a talking penguin?!

Mr. Moneypennies slowly peers from Bricks pocket and looks at Mr. Dibbley

Mr. Moneypennies: Fo shizzy, dizzy! You ingest the toxic coolness too?!

Mr. Dibbley: If by ‘toxic coolness’ you mean a rather hazardous amount of toxic waste and nanomachines, then yes. You see, I was sniping at a point where PMCs frequently dumped waste! As such, before I knew it, I could talk! And in this cool accent! Seems that my years at London Zoo before Lash liberated me from confinement weren’t spent clapping my flippers for fish after all!

Silence.

Raven: A penguin..that talks.

Maurice: Come sit down with me, Dibbley mate!

The bar slowly turns back to normal as Dibbley waddles over and sits at Maurices, Moes, Bricks and Jons table. Jericho shakes his head and slowly goose-steps over to Phil, Steves, Vinces, Sals, Deans and Karabs table

Jericho: Amazing. Simply amazing.

Phil: What?

Jericho: Carling for a quid..How can they afford to keep this place open?!

Dean: I know! It’s sweet, ain’t it? Cheap booze, sexy women, and best of all, good friends!

Bar: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!

Vince: Well, at least we’re safe friends..and Frank didn’t--

A trainered foot violently comes from the pane of glass on the left door of the Dog and Handgun.

Jericho: Oh...my...God.

Mr. Moneypennies: Shizz dude! Its the Lyncher!

The bar goes silent and another pane is broken as a foot goes through it. The door is booted open and the chisel-faced, black, shaven-haired, growling and toned Coach Lynch stands in the doorway, wearing a white t-shirt, red gym shirts, black sneakers and a silver whistle tied to a cord around his neck. He sneers and walks a few steps in

Lynch: LISTEN UP YOU FUCKING FILTHY MAGGOTS!!!

Silence. Steve gulps and Sal starts shaking

Lynch: Alright..words got around that Frank Daniels wants me to lead your worthless, coawrdly asses into battle..AND I SAY YES! ME AND DANIELS WILL LEAD YOU INTO SHADOW MOSES YOU FUCKING BITCHES!

Still silence.

Lynch: I CAN’T HEAR A CHEER!!!!!!

Forced cheering. Lynch swipes across his throat and they all gulp, going silent.

Lynch: Alright then..Since....WHERE IS MY SECOND IN COMMAND?!?!?!?!?!?!

Jericho stands up

Jericho: Speaking.

Lynch looks at him and laughs cruelly

Lynch: I don’t want a chain-smoking, alcoholic psychopath helping lead this men! Consider yourself demoted!

Jericho: Fuck you!

Lynch: Stop repeating your momma, Jericho, or i’ll stuff my boot so far down your throat you’ll be shitting laces until Christmas!

Jericho: Oh yeah? I think I could fuck you up worse than your face looks!

Lynch takes off his whistle and slams it on the bar, stomping towards Jericho. Jericho adopts a fighting stance. When Lynch gets near, jericho takes a swing, but Lynch ducks and stands, digging two fingers into his nostrils and pulling up. Jericho flails and stomps wildly, only for

Lynch to hit him with his right hand and knock him down to his seat.


Lynch: SIT THE FUCK DOWN!!


Lynch takes a few steps back and scans the bar


Lynch: PORPINGTON!!! YOU PRESENT?!?!


Sal: Th-th-third in command, sir!


Lynch: COUNT YOURSELF PROMOTED!!


Sal: WOO--


Lynch: Don’t.


Sal quickly quietens down, saluting Lynch


Lynch: Now I need a 3rd in command..whats your name, widebody?!


Lynch turns to Maurice


Maurice: Maurice Smoglin, ya know.


Lynch: Smoglin, eh?! I have no idea who you are!


Maurice: A year below these dudes, was in Mr. Lashes class!


Lynch: Lash, eh?! Count yourself 3rd in command! Who knows, maybe you could drill some sense and tactics into these guys!!


Maurice stands and salutes him. Lynch returns the salute and Maurice sits down. Lynch turns to face them all and scans the room, talking to himself


Lynch: Nolastname! You actually survived?!


Phil: Yes..


Lynch: I’ll be damned! You fix that taste in crazy women you psycho, or should we send you to the front and back again in a bodybag?!


Phil: Sir, no sir!


Lynch: Goddamn Nolastname! You better be handy with a gun!


Phil: Sir, I can hit a bullseye from 50 paces with a Colt, sir!


Billy: ..Show-off.


Lynch: Wallace! A least Nolastname impresses me! You couldn’t impress the goddamn Elephant Man!


Billy: OH YEA?! I could blow a flies wing off from 2 miles away through a sniper scope!


Phil: Snipers. We groundmen are better!


Lynch: Stop arguing, pussies! In this unit you are all equally worthless! LLAREC?! Are you telling me YOU survived?!


Steve: Yeah.


Lynch: MY GOD!! You mean you didn’t run into the bullets?! Goddamn I ought to give you a medal just for lasting this long! But I bet we’ll be sending you back home in a tiny cardboard box when you sit on a mine!


Steve: I disarm mines, so NYAH!

Ivan: Vell, Votterdam..I am ze most proficiant in explosives here..


Lynch: Goddammit Hellgenstrand! Last time I saw you, you were tying dynamite sticks to the back of the Khvatka PMCs back in Siberia!


Ivan: You make me blush, sir.


Lynch: SCHMICKER?! You survived too?! AM I high or are you just smarter than you all look!!


Brick: Uhh..yeah?


Lynch: ENOUGH CHIT-CHAT! DOWN TO BUSINESS!


Lynch looks around at the silent, straight-faced mercenaries


Lynch: Silence! Even you, LaMarr! Thats a first, you could never shut your mouth long enough to not compromise our position!


Vince: Whatever.


Lynch: Quiet, cockfarmer! I make the rules and talks around here!Do I make myself clear, especially you, Dibbley?! Who;s only here because we’re going to a fucking snowy-ass place!

Dibbley: Charming.

Lynch: Quiet, cold-balls!! Now the fact is that very soon, you will ALL be at Shadow Moses! For you all, this is probably your 2nd major mission! You failed your first, because you failed to destroy that goddamned Unit of Beautiful Beasts!

Raven: Beauty AND THE Beast Unit..

Lynch: Who the fuck are you, girly?! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!

Raven: Raging Raven. Reporting for active duty.


Silence.


Lynch: Well, I was told the timeloop you stupid fuckers opened up would wreck a lot of stuff, but it looks like it did something good! Nevertheless, YOU won’t be sane for much longer, right?!


Raven: Well..until we’re aligned back with 2014 and thus the common time era--


Lynch: OK! ENOUGH! Anyway, this mission is one of the missions needed to repair this timehole and stop it from turning the Universe into a mass of swirly things! I never thought a bunch of useless morons like you could bend the laws of Quantum Physics, but Professor Fist assures me you all did! But! Now we can wipe out ArmsTech! Those bastards made the Gekkous, so now we can put a axe in the plan by killing President Baker!

The bar remains silent.

Lynch: And destroying Metal Gear and Ocelot and Liquid and what-not! Of course, its about to come back around again, and as such, I pray you are all ready!

Sal: Ready as we’ll ever be.

Lynch: Well..that means almost nothing..

Sal: Can’t you trust us, sir? We won’t screw up. Not now. Not ever. We’re mercenaries!

Lynch: I bet you guys can’t even piss straight!

Silence.

Jon: Not my fault..damn toilet bowls too small..

Lynch: But I will trust you! The first person to fuck up, however, will be in a hospital with a claymore up their ass! UNDERSTOOD?!

They all gulp and nod.

Lynch: OK! Now formalities are over, you can sit here and drink all you want! Personally, Dick, I think i’ll have a pint of Carling!

Without turning around, he reaches into his pocket and slams a note on the bar

Lynch: HIT ME!

Bar: SKOL!

They all raise their glasses in unison

Lynch: Cheers!

The bar slowly returns to its usual self. Lynch takes a gulp of his pint, but slowly walks towards Steves table, sitting between Dave and Bob

Lynch: Anyway...How did you guys get back here?

As the mercenaries walk towards Shadow Moses, a huge blue wormhole appears beside the Hind
Liquid Snake: What the hell is that?

Steve: Blue glowy thing!

Frank: Does it look like its--

Phil: Evil?

Frank: No.

Will: Insane?

Frank: No.

Dave: Moving?

Frank: No--I mean, yeah! It is!

In an instant, they scream and the wormhole swallows them before vanishing.
Silence.

L. Snake: ..........Ah fuck.

Bob: ...........A long plane trip.

Lynch: Bullshit, son.

Dave: The blue swirly thing.

Lynch: See? Much better.

Silence on the table.

Sal: Your not surprised? Not one bit? Even though Professor told you?

Lynch: A hole in the space-time continuum? Sounds like something your morons would do, alright.

Jericho: Gee. Thanks.

Dave: He's got a point.

Billy: Aye..

Frank: Well! At least Shadow Moses isn't until tomorrow! This hole hasn't warped time ye--

-The next day-


Lynch and Frank stand at the front of the line with the mercenaries. All of them are dressed up in winter furs, white leggings, black legbraces and black combat vests. Phil and Steve have cossack hats on.


Sal: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED THERE?! IT WAS LIKE I WAS JUST DRINKING!!

Frank: Calm, men

Billy: MY FUCKING GOD ON EARTH!!!

Lynch: SHUT THE FUCK UP! ALL OF YOU!

Silence.

Frank: Ok men..here we go...Back to Alaska..

Sal: Look, can we just get there?! These things itch!

Dave collapses against Bob from the heat under the thermal fur and ski mask, only for Bob to slap him and Dave comes to

Dave: Thanks ol’ pal!

Frank: Remember: The wormhole has a chance of scattering us across the base as it did when we came back here! It was distorted when we entered it the first time! Don’t worry! Find the nearest mercenary...ANYWAY! ONWARD!! FOR GLORY!!

The mercenaries fire their AKs repeatedly into the sky and Frank walks on, Lynch, however, pushes him out of the way and steps through the portal first, mumbling under his breath. Dick Head watches sadly, but Frank salutes him and Dick nods sadly as Frank steps into the wormhole. Sal waves goodbye to a black woman and blows a kiss at her. The woman points to a wedding ring and Sal points to his before stepping in

Jim: Never knew Sal was married..

Billy: Och, move ya slowcoach!

The PM of Scotland appears momentarily as several bagpipes play

PM: Billy Wallace! As the only Scottish mercenary, we wish you good luck!

Billy: I’ll do ya all proud!

The bagpipes increase in volume as Billy steps in and they vanish instantly when he does. Jim waves goodbye to his redhead girlfriend, Sally, as he steps in. Jimmy cackles and jumps in. Vince steps forward reluctantly and stares into the blue swirling mass

Vince: Uhhh..

Will: Move it!

Vince: Look! Its a giant hole! I really don’t wanna do this shit again! We could be messing with time and space!

Will: You’re too smart for your own good

Will kicks him in the back of his leg and Vince stumbles forward

Vince: OK!


He waves goodbye to his girlfriend who watches from the balcony, weeping into a handkerchief


Vince: Au revoir..j’adore!

Vince finally jumps in and Will walks forward, slicking back his hair


Will: Welllll Raven...I guess the stud-mans saying goodbye and goodnight..


Raging Raven watches, cuddling a lock of Wills hair. Several prostitutes watch from the safety of an alley, crying


Will: Adieu! Shed no tear!


Will dramatically steps into the hole and Dave walks forward, baring his teeth and growling.. The prostitutes step back, but he looks at them and smiles

Dave: Bye!


He leans up and waves goodbye to Dick who is now in tears, seeing his customers leave. Dave fires wildly and yells as he jumps in. Bob walks forward and looks back at Laughing Octopus


Bob: Well..bye babe..if there’s no paradox..


Octopus steps back from the crowd and nods, looking down


Octopus: Goodbye..cara mia..


Mercenaries: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww


Bob: SHUT UP!


Brick (Quietly to Phil): As if he hasn’t got that the story dictates she’ll be killing him soon..


Phil (Quietly to Brick) Best not to, it’ll be funnier when he finds out


They snigger as Bob grudgingly steps through the hole. Dean looks to his side at Karab

Dean: Karab..if I die first--

Karab: I will bring your body home!

Dean: Not that! Just, tell Sammy my last words were "I hate Samuel Chevrolet, that fucking bastard".

Karab: I have no idea who or where this Samuel is.

Dean: You damn well better find out.

Dean steps through and Karab follows, clutching his shield tightly and Brick steps forward

Phil: Whats the weather like?


Brick sticks his head through and pulls it out, his head covered in thick snow


brick: Ch-ch-ch-chillyyy...


Asian Stripper at Dog and Handgun: Hey! Don’t cause a paradox! And don’t lose your head!


Brick: Sorry honey!

He nudges Phil and looks at her

Brick: Chicks dig me

Phil: Yeahhhh..


Brick waves goodbye to his girlfriend and steps through. Phil looks up at Tavi and Wolf, who watch from a window.

Phil: Want me to dance??!!!


He does a little toe-tapping as they watch sadly, Several tears trickling down Wolfs cheek


Phil: Ahh..Bye


Phil salutes Dick who is now buried in his arms outside, sitting at a table. Phil steps through the hole. Obese Maurice waves a sad goodbye to the piemaker, who breaks down in tears

Maurice: Cry not Tim! I’ll be back!

Maurice salutes him and he climbs into the hole. Steve walks to the hole and glances in, only for Phils head to pop through

Phil: Which way to Albequerque?

The mercenaries burst out laughing, and Bricks head appears through the wormhole

Brick: I lost a turn at Atlantis, know where we are?

The mercenaries laugh harder as they pull their heads back through. Steve is busy rolling on the ground laughing, but Johan coughs and Steve scrambles to his feet, brushing off his snowsuit. He looks around and salutes Wolf

Steve: BYEEEEE!!

Wolf is weeping into her arms as Tavi consoles her, and Steve jumps through the hole. Jericho looks around and looks back at Screaming Mantis, who winks at him. Jericho jumps quickly into the portal. Robbie grits his teeth, growling

Robbie: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAYE!!!!!!!!!!!

He jumps into the portal and Stoofer and Johan walk forward, with That Hispanic Guy behind them

That Hispanic Guy: Yes..protect your leader!

Johan looks back at him and grabs him by the straps of his combat vest, throwing him through the portal. Stoofer looks at him, and Johan shrugs

Johan: Better him than us.

Stoofer nods and walks through, followed by Johan. Bobby slowly takes a few steps forward and spins around on his heels, whistling and starting to walk away. Johans hand reaches through the portal and grabs him by the scruff of his neck. Bobby screams and is dragged in violently. Moe walks forward, sighing heavily

Moe: Well...guess i’m last..

Moe turns around and waves goodbye to all of them. The whole street, Jon, Jim and Jimmy, Outer Haven Troopers, Old Snake, Liquid Ocelot, Beauty And The Beast Unit, Rage Against The Machine, Rat Pack, all of them..Wave goodbye to Moe as he steps in. After a few seconds, the wormhole disappears in a blue haze....

==SHADOW MOSES==

Frank collapses onto the snow and leans up, spitting it out before moving his eyes up the body of Liquid Snake, who is standing there with his arms folded

Frank: Mr. Snake!

L. Snake: Call me Liquid you nonce!

Frank quickly gets to his feet and salutes him

L. Snake: Are your other soldiers here?

He glances at the balcony of the helipad where a bright blue flash appears and Vince falls, screaming and thudding onto the railing before pulling himself up

Frank ..Sadly, Yes.

The screen fades to black.

They Come From All Over!

The scene opens up with Frank, sitting beside Mantis on his leather couch reading a copy of The Daily Rant. Bob and Octopus are sitting opposite him, almost asleep in eachothers arms. Frank squints and starts reading the articles with..familiar names..

Odd comedy couple smash ticket sales at O2 Arena

Steve Llarec and his assistant, Midnight Wolf, have recently smashed ticket sales in Wembleys O2 Arena, following their sell-out “Capital Insanity Tour” which culminates at the O2 Arena itself. The pair, which specialize in slapstick, mime acts, and even interpretive dance, claim they’re past as mercenaries for hire helped them heavily. “Oh, it’s a ball, baby!” exclaimed Midnight in her interview with the Herald Times “I’ve always been a Crying Wolf of sorts, but now i’ve turned sadness into humour, dedicated to my lovely jubbly hubby Phil, whom seems to have taken a career in archaelogy. I enjoy being on the tour, bringing such joy to millions, rather than powering them down in a mechanical wolf suit!” Llarec was also optimistic about the success “YAYYY!!! I LIKE ICE CREAM!!! Huh? What? Oh..the tour. Right. THIS TOUR IS GREAT!! I’ve had such a ball, especially backstage sharing the stories of how I once killed a guy with a trident, and how we once came up against a gigantic screaming robot with made puppets out of us! It’s hilarious!”

The tour is being classed as a “Rare kind of comedy which only comes around one a millenium”. Critics outside Llarecs circle of friends are still out on the subject

Link between humans and animals found.

One of mankinds greatest discoveries was realised last night as the link between humans and animals were found. Homo breviceps. to be scientific, was discovered yesterday in England accompanied with a human woman. Both of them were ordering ice creams at the time of the police call. Both human and breviceps managed to fight off 15 armed Raven Sword PMCs before being tasered to the ground. While the human woman managed to kill 6 PMCs, castrate 2 more and behead one on an insane sugar rush, scientists manage to rush in while the woman, thought to be mercenary Courtney Inuko, was kept busy with Raven Sword. Scientists manage to drug the new species and haul her off a van where they have taken her to an undisclosed location for further testing.

Courtney Inuko vanished last night after jail guards discovered that the bars to her cell in Durham Prison were snapped in half, letting her flee.

Fastest number of drinks served in Lazenby

In the Nags Head yesterday, bartender Dick Head managed to amuse the bars patrons and the usual crowd of Raven Sword PMCs by serving up a record number of drinks in record time. Mr. Head managed to serve up 127 drinks within 2 minutes to the sober punters in the Nags Head. Mr. Head claims that it has nothing to do with the rival Half Moon, which also sets a rival to Dicks middle eastern bar, The Lamb and Flag. “So, that stupid cunt Al thinks it’s a vendetta? WRONG. Everyone knows MY bar is clearly the best! Serving up one hundred and twenty seven drinks? I could do that in my sleep standing on my head. Better than Al ever could!” Mr. Murray of the Half Moon rebutted “Go stick it up your arse you dog”. Mr. Head and Mr. Murray deny any allegations of the following arson attacks on both pubs


Crazed Insane mercenary discovers clues to treasure

A mercenary turned archaelogist also ghostbuster also mystery hunter Philip Nolastname yesterday found transcripts in the British Library archives with an enigmatic code, but which details an intense drawing of the fabled Efka Tyrepor, an ancient pot believed to have been used to anoint Christs wounds. When interviewed, Nolastname revealed his ambition: “I am gonna be SO ******* rich if I find it! By the way, mate, know what this symbol means? Looks like the devil with his fly open” Nolastname celebrated his allowance of temporary citizenship in the British Isles
after lengthy custody battles. After many dismissals following Nolastnames constant insulting of Prime Minister Brown and the Queen, he finally got his chance after
discovering an underground cave where cavemen paintings believed to be 1500 years old were. Nolastname was drunk at the time of discovery, and admits that he had no
idea how he got there. A future attempt to crack the code is under way.

Escaped inmate found: Escapes after mass shoot-out

An escaped inmate, Stoofer Enrigue, last night evaded police capture once again. Shortly after escaping from Tijuana, Stoofer was sighted in New Mexico with an assailant believed to be mercenary Billy Wallace. Police managed to acquire a warrant to bring in Stoofer, also accused of murder in the US. Despite Wallace constantly stating that they had acquired Enrigues services, Pieuvre Armament attempted to move onto the convict. However, they were met by mass resistance from Hispanic gang 5 Swords, as well as Wallace and Enrigue themselves. As the chaos unfolded, Stoofer and Billy managed to escape in an unmarked white van. Armament have lost all whereabouts and suspect they have escaped to the Middle East away from where they can be legally detained

Team Ferrari win F1 Grand Prix

Ralph Schumacher celebrated a historic win for team Ferrari in the Formula 1 Grand Prix. Schumacher, flanked by 3 trusty mechanics, one being an unnamed male of hispanic descent, as well as Johan Squier and Bobby Hernandez. Ralph blazed past the competition of Subaru and Honda to claim the title. Some allegations of cheating in the Pit Stops would surface during lap 21, when it was alleged that Bobby Hernandez threw a Subaru mechanic into the crowd, while the unnamed hispanic male
stole his wallet and the hubcaps of the car drove by Team Subaru. After the race, Ralph said “My pit team did awesome, they are the kings of blackma--I mean, mechanics! They sure know how to fix hostag--I mean, tires! This is a great win for the entire team!”. Talking of the allegations, Bobby Hernandez went on to say: “I believe that any evidence will be tampered with. That assholes been
hatin’ on us ever since we galvanized his cousin! The hubcaps mean nothing”

Crematorium shut down after foul-play suspected

Brick Schmicker, owner of Shade of Fire Crematoriums, was fined yesterday and had his Crematorium shut down after foul-play was suspected by the place. Mr. Schmicker, 29, is believed to be in conspiracy to finally hide the body of Jimmy Hoffa, rather than keeping it under the Statue of Libertys skirt. Schmicker has denied all ties to the Chicago Mafia, despite Godfather Jo Mitraisa being seen repeatedly stopping by with bags full of money. Recently, detectives discovered a body resembling that of Hoffas being unloaded from a hearse into the Crematorium. Despite denying allegations that his famous Kung Po Spare Ribs are actually human, CPD shut down Schmickers crematorium, with its highly-insensitive tagline: ‘You kill ‘em, we grill ‘em’

Schmicker was unavailable for comment

Last line of the Memeh-Porpington royalty cast to Asylum

Sal Hoobah Boobah Shlork Michy-Michy Kawow Memeh Porpington, the last line of the Memeh-Porpington royalty, was sentenced to life in Saint Lukes following his plea of Illegal Insanity. Kawow Memeh Porpington, undergoing trial after the assault of 5 members of his psychology group, pleaded illegally insane to his conviction. Kawow Memeh Porpington, a known mercenary in the Middle East infamous for being voted the ‘One most likely to snap hilariously’ by Frank Daniels, Steve Llarrec and Philip Nolastname, admitted he was illegally insane after the case brought forth by his lawyer, fellow mercenary and no longer friend Brick Schmicker, failed. One of the jury, another mercenary and famed pornography star Will Studlin brought forth the guilty verdict to ensure Kawow Memeh-Porpingtons future rehabilitation into society

“Heads of Steel” open successful concert tour at Wembley

One of the greatest alternative bands of this decade, Heads of Steel, opened their tour today with a smashing performance. The two unknown members, known only as Mahoney Bologna and Bologona Judooley managed to rouse the 50,127 fans into a frenzy with their pan-head-smashing music, accompanied by thrashing drums and a guitar played by Tom Morello. Heads of Steel kept their fans begging for more, featuring such tracks as “I Want To Murder Your Face”, “Armageddon 2”, “Random Title Track For The Win”, “We’re The Mercenaries You Laugh At” and “Steel For Real”

They are expected to be the main highlight of the main stage at the Leeds Festival later this year.

Bomb scare at Nuclear Power Plant in Holland. 2 men escape Praying Mantis PMCs

In a giant scare yesterday afternoon, mercenaries Jericho Kingston and “Crazy” Ivan Hellgenstrand yesterday thankfully didn’t uphold their threat to detonate a kilogram of Semtex placed around a nuclear power plant close enough to the coast to potentially cripple Holland. Several Praying Mantis PMC were called to the scene by concerned workers after spotting Kingston juggling heavily radioactive isotopes, after discovering the Semtex, the workers managed to quietly evacuate. However, as Praying Mantis surrounded the building and stormed it, it was discovered that both mercenaries had escaped. Their motive and whereabouts are unknown, and Praying Mantis managed to successfully disarm the primed Semtex. Several government skeptics believe it to be a ploy for the Praying Mantis PMC to show their authority


“Bra Busting Beasts” smashes XXX records

The latest buzz for Otselotoya Khavatka PMCs stationed in Tokyo is not the cusine, the culture or even the insane whittlings of an old man: Pornography means big bucks in Japan, and former mercenary Will Studlin, blessed in a certain part of anatomy, takes his trademark moustache and meat-and-two-veg to the record books as the newest film, Bra Busting Beasts, where he co-stars with a woman known only as Screaming Raven. The film has now gained over 5 million rentals, safly securing its place in the record books. When asked about the film, which revolves around Will “battling” the aforementioned beast, he stated: “It’s always been a mix of personal hobbies of mine: Shooting and sex. I bring sex to the battlefield, and I bring the battlefield to sex. I am a man of many talents, speaking of which, have you seen me? Not even a salami can beat that!”

Two builders mess-up: Create first ever upside-down building

Despite being dubbed to be Dubais next biggest attraction, it caught the wrong type of attention..constructers Vincent LaMarr and Bill Sykes managed to build the Earth Needle upside down, and unveiled in front of a large crowd of 125,000 onlookers. With the needle stuck firmly in the sand, both men were fired from their posts immediately. The building is thought to be completely unusable and unstable, and demolition of the $600,000 project will begin next month. LaMarr said “Ahhh! These Dubai morons are just anally retentive cause they make millions in oil! We follow the schematics and build it, and they complain when its an innovation! I’m a construction analyst for an army of mercenaries near here, and they just don’t appreciate my talents!”. Sykes simply added “It was all Vinces fault. Do not blame me. I followed his blueprints!”

Kebab shop chain attracts police attention

A kebab shop in Chicago, Illinois attracted the attention of the Chicago Police Department earlier today. Dean Chevrolet and Karab Ismael, 22 and 21 years old respectively, deny accusations and heavy rumours that the lamb rotisserie is actually the remains of Mafia insider for the police, Jimmy Screamer. Despite one insider saying they saw that Dean unpacked his meat from a limo and unrolled it from a Persian rug, the police are currently letting the leads go. Mr Ismael said: “Why can’t we be left alone? Fast food is our life! If you Americans want to eat yourself to the grave, why ask about our meat? It tastes good, it’s greasy, just be happy!”

They also deny rumours that the limited offer Chilli Sauce is a result of the landlord getting his hand caught in a mincer.

Moe n Maurices Pies attract record number of tourists to York

York has recently seen a 4% boost in tourism, the highest boost since the announcement of daily Raven Sword parades. The reason? Maurice Smoglin and Moe Watson have made a sensational culinary impact on York. Despite competition from numerous stores and stands all across the historic city, Smoglin and Watson have managed to thrill tourists, residents and PMCs alike with their variety of pies including “Beef”,”Ale and Lager” and the ever popular “Chilli Mince” pies. They recently saw a boost in sales after the installation of a ManCannon in Cornwall allowed people to get to York easier. Smoglin said “Well, it’s a job someones gotta do, y’know? I mean, me and me laddy Moe here have rocked the world of piemaking for sure!”. Watson also said “It’s a damn good job! We’re enjoying a break from being mercenaries and taking on...uhh..’militant rebels’..and making lots of pies for tourists and PMCs! As long as they don’t shoot us, they’re alright!”

Crazed mercenaries imprisoned after hostage crisis

A crazed gun-for-hire was yesterday arrested outside the Arc De Triomphe following a dramatic hostage crisis yesterday. The Pieuvre Armament forces were called into action at 4:31pm yesterday as Dave Jackscar took several hostages as a one man army. Believed to have been hired by an unknown source known only as “Al” who hates the French, The mercenary wounded 15 people before taking 2 hostages. It took 8 members and one death of an Armament troop to take down Mr. Jackscar. No civilian casualties have been reported.

Fighting in Middle East still rages on

Many troops may have pulled out, but for a special coalition the war remains heated. In the Middle East lies a street currently occupied by mercenaries of all nationalities at the hand of the American and British government, or generally whoever pays the most. 3 of them, Jon Manguel, Jim Smith and Jimmy Holden, have been fighting for well over a year. “Those damn Praying Mantis never stop” explained Manguel “It’s our job to keep them focused here so they don’t spread anywhere else. Britains at wits end with Ravens Sword, Russias trying to beat of Ots...Otz..Khvat..Ocelots special unit with a stick, and the French and South Americans are teaming up to kick Pieuvre Armaments ass!” Smith, however, was less enthusiastic “Everytime Mantis gets closer, we have to push forward. Being veterans, its lucky we have moron militiamen to hide behind, otherwise we’d be Swiss cheese. It’s a dirty job, but someones gotta do it. As long as the Yanks and Limeys keep paying up for booze, then we ain’t got a problem fighting!”

Frank blinks and closes the newspaper, folding it. Mantis looks up.

Mantis: Amazing how many people you know could be in the news, isn’t it?

Frank: Yes.

Frank scrunches up the newspaper, throwing it down

Frank: Bob! IT’S TIME!

Bob looks up, his face contorted in depression

Bob: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Frank nods and stands up, knocking the coffee table over

Laughing Octopus: Is it that time already?

Frank:...YES!

Laughing Octopus hisses and curls up into a ball as Frank pulls out a huge conch from a secret compartment under the coffee table

Bob: WHY DO WE KEEP THAT?!

Frank: Brace yourself..soon the mercenaries be here!

Bob: PLEASE! FRANK! I’LL KEEP YOU DROWNED IN LIQUOR FOR LIFE!

Frank looks at Mantis

Screaming Mantis: ...Blow it, baby

Frank: Bye Bob.

Bob screams as Frank blows the conch....

***

We cut to outside the O2 Arena Locker-Rooms. All of a sudden, we see a door explode and Crying Wolf charges out in her Wolf suit, howling loudly. Steve is on the back carrying a double-headed battle-axe. Several staff surround Wolf carefully, only for her to charge forward and trample them all underfoot. In the streets, we see Wolf burst violently out of the front door, destroying the doors and speeding off into a random direction

We see Tavi sitting with an impatient look on her face in a large tube surrounded by sensors and monitors. As the last scientist puts down his clipboard and leaves, Courtney jumps down from a rafter and waves at the glass. Tavi points at a keycard, but Courtney simply blinks, grabs a stool and hurls it at the glass. Tavi shields herself as the glass smashes and red sirens start to appear, a klaxon sounding. Both of them look around and dive out of a nearby window and into the barbed-wired yard. Tavi clears it in a massive single jump and grinds her nails down the fence as she lands, cutting it open for Courtney to escape. Both of them look around, grinning, and run off into a random direction

The camera pans to Phil digging a hole surrounded by TV cameras. He looks up and his ears twitch. He throws down the shovel and clutches the manuscript before running off in a random direction.

The camera quickly pans to Dick, who is busy washing glasses in the empty Nags Head. He slowly sets down the glass and nods, smashing a firebox case and grabbing his trusty Hose, winding around his arm and grabbing the shotgun from under the bar. He hops over the bar and kicks open the door, slamming it behind him. He takes a deep breath of Lazenby air before throwing his Hose and shotgun into the back of his sedan, flinging the door open and driving off without shutting it

The camera then pans to a van speeding across a pier boardwalk. Several people scream and dive out the way as Billy leans out, yelling at them. The van screeches to a halt and Billy and Stoofer jump out, running over to the nearest ManCannon. They both sit on one each and nod at eachother, holding the cable. As several PMC troops move in, the ManCannons shoot up and send Stoofer and Billy flying into a random direction

We cut to a random garage, with Johan, Bobby and That Hispanic Guy gathered around an F1 Car. Their ears twitch and That Hispanic Guy jumps into the seat, grabbing the helmet and pullint it on. Bobby sits on the front scoop and uses cables to attach himself to it, also pulling on a helmet. Johan sits behind the seat, facing backwards and attaching himself via an extra seatbelt, pulling on a helmet. That Hispanic Guy revs the engine and they speed off, breaking straight through the garage door and into the street, zooming off in a random direction

We see a mafioso-style limo slowly driving through the streets of Chicago. Through the tinted windows, we see Brick, wearing a sleeveless tuxedo, sitting alone. He leans forward, raps on the window and yells gibberish. The driver blinks and nods, putting his foot on the pedal and speeding off in a random direction

The camera pans to Sal stuck in a straitjacket, rocking back and forth in a cell. he hears the conch and jumps up, barging shoulder-first through the padded door. the sirens blare as he runs out, smashing through several doors which causes his straitjacket to unfasten. he throws it off to reveal his mercenary uniform and runs outside past several inmates, hopping a spiked fence and running down the road

The camera then cuts to That Other Random Guy and That Random Guy on stage, banging their heads against eachother wearing metal pans. They quickly stop and give the “Metal” hand sign before jumping into a tank used as a prop. The crowd scream and part as That Random Guy dives into the hatch, followed by That Other Random Guy who quickly pops up wearing a military helmet. The tank speeds off across the crowd, smashes through the opposite wall and speeds off in a random....direction

We then cut to Jericho and Crazy Ivan who are staring down a line of advancing Praying Mantis PMCs who have their assault rifles pointed at them. Jericho slowly raises his hands, but Ivan simply tosses a lit stick of dynamite which lands in one PMCs hands. He screams and starts juggling it in his hands as Jericho and Ivan run straight past them and to the ManCannons, strapping themselves in and jettisoning themselves into the air

The camera quickly cuts to Will and Raven, both sitting in a prop jeep wearing long silk robes. Raven twitches violently and grabs the steering wheel, firing up the ignition. Several staff members jump in front of the jeep, but she simply speeds forward, crushing them and firing off into a random direction

We then cut to Dubai where Vince and Bill are walking through Dubai, wearing large backpacks and getting stones and tomatoes hurled at them. Both of them look at eachother and nod triumphantly, tearing off the backpacks to reveal jetpacks. They quickly fire them off and shoot straight up into the air. As they let the air breeze past them, their eyes widen as they fly past Dean sitting in the back of an aeroplane, which is being pedalled by Karab, wearing an old aviators helmet. In the back is a full rotating kebab spit, oven, bowsl and utensils. Dean simply waves to them, causing both Bill and Vince to collide in shock

The camera cuts to York where Obese Maurice and Moe the Midget are walking the streets of York, eating pies. They hear the conch and their ears twitch. Moe runs down the street to a replica Viking shop and hops into a chariot randomly displayed in the front window. Maurice hops in the back and they both hi-5. The shopkeeper coughs and watches as they wait patiently for something to happen. Moe looks up at the shopkeeper and throws the reins over him. Maurice reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a gun, the shopkeeper screams and starts to run off, leading the chariot with him out of the shop

We see Dave stuck in a French prison. Dave is pacing up and down impatiently as a random prisoner finishes tying the bedsheets around the window bars. A guard walks past and watches as both men pull at the sheets. Dave turns around and watches as the guard grins slyly. Dave simply walks over to the cell door, grabs the guard and smashes his head off the bars, grabbing the keys from his waist and unlocking the cell door. Dave slides it open and walks off, quickly followed by the other prisoner, who keeps his distance

Finally, we cut to the fierce fighting in the Middle East, just 2 miles from the square. Jim pats Jimmys back and Jimmy runs off towards the square, firing at the Praying Mantis PMCs. Jon quickly hurls a grenade towards them and it lands behind the sandbags, blowing the PMCs and the wall of the adjacent building up. Jon pats Jims back and Jim follows Jimmy. Jon quickly scans the area before following the other 2.


***

Frank stands in the middle of the town square, looking at his watch calmly as a random UAV flies over him and sends a missile into a nearby building, showering the podium with sand and rubble . Mantis is stood beside him, stood at attention. Bob is sitting on one of the chairs in the front row, sobbing into his hands as Octopus comforts him. Robbie is sitting alone in the back row

Frank: Holding the fort, Robbie?!

Robbie flips him the bird and Frank gives the thumbs up

Frank: For fucks sake, Where are they?..

A loud howl pierces the air and the chassis of Crying Wolf scrambles speedily into the square, skidding to a halt. The hatch flies open and Wolf takes off her mask/helmet, sliding down the head and brushing her jet-black hair out of her eyes

Wolf: God..that took forever!

Steve hops off her back

Steve: FRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANKKKK!!!!

Steve runs forward and leaps onto the stage, hugging Frank tightly

Steve: I MISSED YOU!! I LOVE YOU!! I MISSED YOU!!!

Frank stands there, laughing nervously

Frank: I missed you too Steve...please..take a seat

Wolf and Steve sit in the 3rd row of seats. Wolf looks around

Wolf: We the first to arrive?

Bob sobs louder

Octopus: Yes..

Wolf: Ahh..whats his problem?

Octopus: Depression..again..

Steve: Cheery uppy Bobby!!

A hustle overcomes the square as Sal runs in, still tied in his straitjacket

Sal: I COULD USE SOME HELP!!!

Brick: HUNKER DOWN!!!

Brick rushes forward and tackles Sal to the floor by his legs. Sal screams and Brick grabs the arms, pulling a knife out of his back pocket and cutting the buckles of the sleeves. Sal breaths a sigh of relief

Sal: Thanks Brick..

Sal tears his arms free and throws off the straitjacket, wearing only a pair of love-heart printed white boxershorts

Brick: Oh..GOD!!!

Sal: Take a picture, it’ll last longer!

Sal sits on the 3rd row near Steve and Brick sits between Steve and Sal

Brick: Whats up fellas? Whats with ol’ Bob?

Steve: Depressed..

Sal: Ahhh..well, he’s not the one who’s been holed up in a mental asylum for 3 weeks!!

That Hispanic Guy, Johan, Bobby, That Random Guy and That Other Random Guy walk into the square. Johan smells the air

Johan: Johan Home.

That Hispanic Guy looks around

That Hispanic Guy: Well...nothing changes..

Bobby: Goddammit Frank! You could’ve at least put some banners up or something!!

Frank: Yeah yeah..

Bobby: You lazy fuck!!

Bobby, Johan and That Hispanic Guy sit on the back row. That Other Random Guy sits next to Sal, and That Random Guy sits next to That Other Random Guy. Sal looks at That Other Random Guy edgily

That Other Random Guy: What?

Sal: ..I don’t like fake crazies

That Other Random Guy: I’m not fake crazy!

Sal: Dude, you fazy!!

Brick leans over and points

Brick: BURNED!!!

Sal and Brick hi-5

That Other Random Guy: Well..you’ve only got your boxers on!!

Sal: And? I had to remove a straitjacket

That Other Random Guy: Yeah??!! Well...YOUR FACE!!

Brick: Better than yours.

Sal: BURNED!!!

That Other Random Guy opens his mouth, but folds his arms and slumps down

That Other Random Guy: Bastards..

Frank: Ok..is this all that got out?

Wolf: Of course not!

Tavi, wearing only underwear, and Courtney slump into the square, catching their breath

Courtney: Give..us a...sec..

Dean, Karab and Dick Head walk into the square

Dick: I have nowhere to park my elephant so i’ve just tied him up outside the Lamb and Flag, that ok?

Frank: Uhhhhh....I..guess?

Dick: Awesome.

Dick walks in, whistling and sits on the 4th row. Dean sits next to Dick and Karab sits next to Dean

Dean: So.....we all here?

Octopus: Nope, not yet

Dean: Whats emo guys problem?

Bob: I’M IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION!!!

Silence.

Dick: ....O...k

Karab: He is really weird!

Dean: Don’t make eye contact, Karab..people like him swallow your soul..

Karab nods and Tavi swallows deeply, walking to the 3rd row and sitting beside Wolf. Courtney strolls over and sits at the end of the row next to Tavi

Wolf: Welcome back, babes

Tavi: Good to be back!

Phil rides into the square on his motorcycle with Jericho on the back

Phil: FULL THROTTLE BEEATCHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!

He skids to a halt and kicks out the stand, parking the motorycle and hopping off. Jericho climbs off and dusts his trenchcoat off

Jericho: I see nothings changed..you always were a lazy twat Frank, I can see you always strive to never outdo yourself

Frank: Shut up and sit the fuck down!

Phil flips the bird and they sit on the back row

Phil: Taviiiiiiii...

Tavi turns around

Tavi: Yes?

Phil: I can see your bra!

Silence.

Tavi: No shit, Sherlock..Although that thing behind Jericho..looks weird

Jericho looks behind him and Tavi flashes her chest at Phil. Phil screams and falls backwards out of his seat. Tavi smirks and fastens her bra

Tavi: The ol’ Inuko twins..

Robbie: You’re an idiot, Phil

Phil looks at Robbie, rubbing his eyes

Phil: I’m a blind idiot!

Stoofer and Billy jog in, falling to their knees and catching their breath

Billy: We..make it?

Phil: You sure did...You insanists..

Stoofer: Phil..You ever ran away from a heavily armed police unit?

Phil: Does a heavily armed military unit count?

Silence. Heavy breathing

Stoofer: ..point taken

Frank: Sit down, you two!

They sit down on the 4th row behind Wolf and Tavi. Jericho leans back in his seat and folds his arms

Jericho: So whats this facade for? Christmas? Someones dead? We’re having a piss-up?

Phil crosses his finger

Phil: Please be the last one!

Frank: Negative! This is a military briefing!

Phil slaps his knee in frustration

Phil: NEVER ANYTHING THE SANE PEOPLE WANT!

Sal raises his hand

Sal: Don’t forget the not-so-sane!

Mantis: Who’s left?

Frank: Raven and Will..and Obese Maurice and Moe, is that it?

Sal: Don’t forget Bill!

Brick: And Jim! And Jimmy!

That Hispanic Guy: And John! And Dave!

Sal: Christ Frank! You can’t even remember if your units here you silly twat!

Frank: FUCK YOU SAL!

Sal: Fuck you, buddy!

Frank: I ain’t your buddy!

Sal: I ain’t your fuck!

That Other Random Guy: Whay-hay! Franks a gay!

All: WHAAYYYYYYYY!!!!

Frank: SHUT UP! I’LL EXECUTE YOU ALL FOR GRAND MUTINY!

Silence.

Robbie: Is it just me, or was that incredibly stupid to say? Considering we’re all armed?

Dick: I’ll agree with the sadistic bastard.

Sal: Me too.

Stoofer: And me.

Johan: Me too.

Frank: Ok, you fucking twats! So..Bill, Will, Jim, Jimmy, John, Dave, Raven, Maurice and Moe..anyone else?

Sal: Vince

Vince: Present!

Vince and Bill appear in the square covered in tomato juice

That Hispanic Guy: Goddamn! It smells like..rotten vaginas!

That Random Guy: Smells like bearshit to me.

Johan: Smell like the pain and tears of men.

Bill: Johans closest..It’s your fault, Vince!

Bill turns to Vince and pokes his finger in his chest

Bill: I gave you the plans! Its not my fault you turned them upside down and decided you would build them like that!

Vince: I was going to create a nice, post-modern touch!

Bill: You turned the fucking thing upside down hanging by a spire and a few nuts and bolts! It’s as post-modern as shitting in a c--

Bill turns to Frank

Frank: Yeah?

Bill: I’m sure you have a useless random fact or derogatory remark coming up?

Frank: Did you know that an artist actually shit in cans and sold them to the Tate Modern?

Silence.

Screaming Mantis: How do you know these things?!

Frank: I read educated literature

Jericho: Don’t flatter yourself. I’ve seen you in the Lamb And Flag plenty of times, looking at the back of barmats and scribbling down the pub trivia

Frank: DAMN YOU! YOU KNOW THE SOURCE OF MY POWER!

Jericho: Somedays I believe the only reason you have a head is to keep rain out of your neck.

Frank: Go fuck yourself!

Jericho stands up and grabs his chair, Frank screams and ducks. He quickly puts it down and sits on it. He quickly rises again and slams his hand against the podium

Frank: I WANT SOME FUCKING ORDER!!

Bob: I HATE YOU ALL!!

Bill: Ah jeez, emo Bobs back..

Bob: I’M SURROUNDED BY NEGATIVE EMOTION!!

Octopus: Oi vey, Bobby dearest..

Frank: Will you two sit down?!

Vince: Alright, calm down drunky!

Vince and Bill sit on the back row next to Jericho

Frank: Who now?

That Random Guy: The others..

Frank: No fucking shit.

That Random Guy: Fuck you!

Frank: In your dreams

That Random Guy: In my nightmares

Sal: You have thoughts about gay sex? Stay away you freak!

Brick and Sal inch away from That Random Guy

Brick: Damn, knew I should’ve duct-taped me buttcrack.

That Random Guy: Fuckers.

Silence.

Tavi: Does anyone else feel this incredible urge to get naked?

Silence.

Courtney: I do.

Silence. Sound of shotgun shell being loaded into barrel

Jericho: Phil, put the Sawn Off down..

SIlence. Sound of gun hitting the sand.

Phil: Asshole.

Tavi: Seriously..I have the urge to get naked

Will: It’s called Sex God! It’s my new fragrance! Illegal in Russia, the US, Here in the Middle East, the UK, Egypt, Turkey, Czech Republic and Cuba! It has the scent powerful enough to knock the pants of anyone!

Will strolls into the square, grinning

Will: Hope y’all don’t mind, I parked my panther near some elephant outside the Lamb and Flag

Raging Raven walks beside him and takes a deep sniff. Her clothes falling off to reveal leopard-print lingerie.

Silence.

Brick: I seriously don’t like where this is heading.

Sal: Me neither

Mantis’s clothes fall off to reveal tight latex lingerie, she squeals and covers herself up. The whole back row collapses

That Hispanic Guy: MY EYES!!

Bobby: I see burning!!!

Phil: Sweet mother of Lucifer my eyes!!

Silence. The sound of screaming from the back. Frank stares at Mantis who looks at him, turning dark red

Mantis: Well..this was gonna be my surprise..

Frank: ...I like!!

Wolf looks around and squeals, covering her naked body up as best she can with her hands, the back row gets to their feet but collapses again, screaming as Wolf stands up, running out of the square in embarrassment. Dean, Dick, Karab, Billy and Stoofer all collapse with the 4th row too, rolling around covering their eyes and screaming

Frank: ORDER! ORDER!

Mantis looks around at the two rows which have collapsed. Will simply stands there, smirking

Will: Damn..works a treat!

Tavi squeals and quickly runs off naked, covering herself up too. The 4th row gets up, and collapses yet again

That Hispanic Guy: WHY DOESN’T THE PAIN STOP?!?!

Johan: JOHAN SEE BLOOD!!!

Jericho: I CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING PAST MY NECK!!!!

Sal, That Random Guy, That Other Random Guy and Brick watch the unfolding chaos

That Other Random Guy: Saw it coming, although I have to say my eyes seem to bleeding

That Other Random Guy wipes the blood from his eyes and looks at it

That Other Random Guy: I say, I feel like i’m rapidly losing conscious--

That Other Random Guy collapses. That Random Guy looks around

That Random Guy: I see naked--

That Random Guy collapses too, and Sal simply watches

Sal: Sweet jesus it’s the apocalypse!

Courtney stands up, fully naked

Courtney: ..Yeeeah, i’m gonna get some clothes. Wind feels nice though

Courtney walks off and Sal waves goodbye, sitting back straight in his seat

Sal: Whoops.

Sal collapses forward in his seat, hunching over. Bob watches, wide-eyed

Frank: I want--

Mantis: Leave it AND KISS ME!!

Mantis jumps at Frank and tackles him to the floor on the stage, kissing him passionately. The 4th row stands up again

Phil: HIT THE FLOOR LADS!!

They all collapse backwards. Will simply stands there, laughing triumphantly

Will: I know. You all love me.

Will and Raven sit on the third row, watching as Sal regains consciousness and sits up. Wolf, Tavi and Courtney, wearing underwear, slowly peek around the corner of a building

Will: OK! I’LL WASH IT OFF!

The fourth row start getting up, the sounds of pain and terror still filling the air. Will turns back to them

Will: GET UP YOU WIMPS!!

Maurice and Moe walk into the square. Moe hops down from Maurices back and watches silently
Moe: Jesus Maurice..What the fuck did we come back for?

Maurice: Y’know laddy, it’s cause we like them. It’s cause they’re all the fucking business...Other than that, I have no idea ya know.

Moe: They all look..insane

Frank stands up, correcting his collar. Mantis quickly zips up her catsuit and stands next to him, quickly pulling out a comb and combing her hair

Maurice: Looks like we arrived in good time my son, bloody good timing an’ all.

Jericho stands up, wiping the blood from under his eyes. He quickly stands his seat up and sits down. Phil grabs Jerichos trenchcoat and uses it to pull himself up, grabbing his chair and sitting in it. Moe and Maurice slowly walk forward, sitting on the front row near Bob and Octopus. Maurice has to take up 2 seats

Maurice: Bloody uncomfortable

Frank: Ok..just waiting for the stragglers

The rest of the 4th row get up and sit down. WOlf, COurtney and Tavi walk in, fully clothed again and sit on the 2nd row

Courtney: Damn, I was so comfortable!

Frank: Now all thats left are the three mercenaries..

That Random Guy: Fuck them! We’re the talking point!

Crowd: YEAH!

Brick: Lets be fair..they are the walking targets!

Silence. Murmur around the crowd. Frank slams the podium

Frank: OK!! We will wait!

Crowd: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Phil: BOOO!!!

Frank: Shut up, Phil!

Brick: Boo! Hiss!

Frank: GODDAMN MUTINOUS INSURREXTION!

Ivan: KABOOM!!!!!!!!

Silence. Ivan walks into the square and sees Frank, standing to attention and saluting

Ivan: Ivan, reporting for duty commandante!

Jericho: Sit down, Ivan!

Ivan: I make you Kaboom! You leave me in cell!

Brick: How’d you get out?

Silence. Ivan stares at Brick.

Brick: Oh yeah, kaboom.

Ivan: YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEAHHHHH MAN!!!!!!!!

Frank puts his head in his hands. Mantis rubs his back

Mantis: It’ll be over soon..

Phil stands up and points at Frank

Phil: LOOK WHO FORGOT IVAN, THE DUMB FUCK!!!

Frank: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

Phil points and laughs, sitting down

Bill: And speak of the devils!

Jim, Jimmy and John slouch into the square, mumbling under their breath

Frank: GENTLEMEN!! SEATS PLEASE!!

John: We just wiped out a unit of Praying Mantis and you want us to take a seat?!?!?

Silence. Frank nods.

John: You, sir, are a shit!

All of them holster their weapons onto their back and slouch in, sitting on the front row beside Maurice and Moe

Maurice: Welcome lads..

John: Yo Maurice..what does douchebag want?

Moe: Something about an announcement!

Jim: ..Fucking cuntflap

Frank: QUIET DOWN! YOU MAGGOTS!

Dave slowly walks into the square. Everyone stares. He's wearing the remnants of handcuffs on both hands

Dave: Thanks for waiting!

Frank: Sorry!

Phil stands up

Phil: YOU FUCKING FORGOT DAVE!!!

Frank: FUCK YOU!

Jericho stands and hurls his cigar butt at Frank. Frank catches it.

Frank: No smoking!

Jericho throws a wooden torch set alight at Frank. Frank screams and catches it, throwing it behind him.

Frank: FUCK OFF!!!

Dave flips the bird at Frank and takes a seat beside Phil

Dave: Good to be back..

Phil: Good to have you back, killer..

Silence. Frank looks around triumphantly. Sal looks bored, Daves eyes are flickering as if he’s about to fall asleep. Jericho lights up a cigar, looking dull. Even Ivan, normally hyperactive, is silently close to dozing off. Brick picks his ear and looks at the piece of earwax, showing Vince. Vince grins and gives the thumbs up. Frank coughs loudly.

Frank: Now, i’m going to hand it over to Scarle--I mean, Screaming Mantis..Who is going to placate those of you who will be left behind..

Silence.

Bill: Left..behind? We going on a trip?

Fank: ...Ok..I’ll start first honey

Mantis: Eeesh..as if they don’t know..

Frank: ...Ok

Frank coughs

Jericho: GET ON WITH IT!!

Frank: OK!! As you all may know..this is the Middle East of Metal Gear Solid 4..and that the blue portal we’ve experienced is part of a time rip..

Bill: YES!!

Frank: Anyway...within 2 weeks..there is a..guess..that the time rip will appear here..and consume us all into purgatory should we not go through a certain series of timecodes..

Sal: I don’t like where this is going!

FranK: In 3 weeks, we mercenaries will be marching off to Shadow Moses!

Dean: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sal: OH MY GOD!! THE HUMANITY!!

Bill: YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!!

Jim: LEEEEROOOYYYY...JENKIIIINNSSSS!!!!

Frank: SILENCE!!!

Silence. Dick whines.

Frank: As such..we need absolute dedication from you all! You are NOT to desert! We are the best trained unit in this part of the world, we are the tightest-knit unit of Mercenaries! When we go into Moses, I want no whining, no complaining, I want pure, grade-A killing machine!

Silence.

Frank: As such..its time we get serious..

Loud moaning.

frank: QUIET! YOU MORONS! I AM THE LEADER HERE!!

Jericho stands up

Jericho: SAYS WHO?!

Mantis reaches into her back pocket and grabs the Psycho Mantis doll, pointing it at Jericho. He simply shrugs, but strings suddenly attach to his back, arms, legs and head. He grimaces and sits down

Jericho: FUCKING BITCH!!!

His neck bends slightly and he groans in pain. Sal stands up

Sal: WE THE MERCENARIES SAY WE VOTE!!!!

Silence. Brick stands up

Brick: I SECOND THAT MOTION!!

Frank puts his head in his hands and kicks the podium, but he looks up

Frank: WHO VOTES ME!!

Every single hand raises

Frank: I am the overall leader then!

Jericho: SHE FUCKING RAISED MY HAND!!

Mantis: No I didn’t.

Silence.

Frank: Ok..I am the General. My 2nd in command is--

Phil: Me.

Frank: No, Phil.

Silence.

Phil: Why?

Frank: Because..you’re useless.

Silence.

Phil: These men trust me more than they trust you, Frank! I actually get the rounds in!

Murmurs of agreement.

Jericho: Who votes Phil is second in command?

Silence. No-one raises their hands except Jericho, Steve, Sal, Dean, Crying Wolf, Robbie and Brick.

Frank: Over-ruled.

Phil simply sits there. Jericho pats his back.

Phil: Well, at least no-ones expecting me to do something in battle anymore

Frank: So..my 2nd in command will be..SAL!!

Sal: Who?..Me?

Silence.

Sal: Awesome.

Sal looks back at Phil

Sal: Sorry guy.

Phil: No problem, buddy.

They lean over and give eachother a sympathy hi-5

Frank: My 3rd in command will be..Jericho

Jericho: YAY-YUS!!!!

Jericho raises his arms in triumph

Jericho: WHO’S YOUR DADDY?!?!?!?!

Phil looks up at him and points, laughing

Phil: Todays the end of your life! Its over! You get to lead this time! I’ll be behind you, kicking your ass forward!

Frank steps back from the podium and Mantis steps forward

Mantis: As such..Certain people will be staying behind, due to the sensitivity of the time loop..

Mantis clears her throat

Mantis: Me, Crying Wolf, Laughing Octopus, Tavi Whitten, Courtney McDermott, Jim Johnstone, Jimmy Smith and Jon Manguel

Jon: WHY US?!?!

MAntis: Technically..you’re cameo appearances. You’re an actual part of the fighting..as such..You have to stay

Jim, Jimmy and Jon: WOOHOO!!!

Jon stands up and points at the 4th row

Jon: YOU LOSE, SUCKAS--

That Hispanic Guy grabs his bullwhip and snaps it at him. Jon screams and sits down.

Dave: So why don’t you weirdos have to go, huh?

Mantis: It’s our story too.

Dave: But wouldn’t you have to travel back, anyway?

Mantis: No, because this is our timeline.

Dave: It’s ours too.

Mantis: We are actual characters here. Once the timeloop synchronizes with this timefeed, we will be part of the Unit you fear once again.

Eerie silence.

Frank: Uhh..really?

Octopus: Man, I am not looking forward to that again..

Wolf looks back at Phil

Wolf: Oh Phil...will you miss me?

Phil: Maybe later.

Frank: Buts its time, gentlemen. Your skills will come in useful at Moses too! Karab! Polish your shield! Dean! Get ready to carry food! Brick! Designated driver!

Brick: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Frank: We need to forge our own legacy here. Shadow Moses is where we stop next, and where we live out the legacy we so well deserve!!

The whole crowd stand up, raise their fists and yell out

Frank: NOW WHO WANTS TO GET PISSED!!!

As soon as he says that. the whole crowd vanish in a dustcloud, leaving Phil, Jericho, Crying Wolf, Frank and Mantis

Frank: ....As you were

Mantis stands at attention and salutes. Phil, Jericho and Wolf stand and salute. Mantis smiles and bows

Mantis: Thank you!

Frank stands and salutes. They all sit down

Frank: FUCK YOU ALL!!!

Phil flips him the bird and Frank stomps off. Mantis looks at them

Mantis: Y’know something..I like you

Silence.

Phil: Me?

Mantis: Yeah..I like you

Silence. Jericho sniggers.

Phil: Thanks..I..like you too?

Mantis: Mmm..don’t worry..I don’t eat my mate..in case you ever..want to..visit

She winks and walks from the stage and through an alley. Jericho laughs loudly and punches Phils arm

Jericho: WAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!

Phil: I’m screwed.

Jericho: Well..You’re one of the grunts now. Get used to it...Well, i’m gonna get pissed, see ya

Jericho stands up and walks out of the square, leaving Phil with his head in hands. SIlence. Wind blowing. Phil looks up

Phil: Well, time to go suck on an exhaust pipe

Phil slowly stands up and looks around the square

Phil: Abandonment: Thy name is Phil..

He looks at a dark shape doubled over in a seat

Phil: Wolf?

Wolf: ..What?

Phil: Why you not gone?

WOlf: Ehh...not in the mood for the sex games..

Phil: Sex games?

Wolf: Naked twister, vodka pong, strip poker, find the vibrator--

Phil: Ok, WAY too much information

Wolf: Since when?

Phil: Since ever. EVER.

Wolf: Can’t even go along to Shadow Moses..sitting here, bored..need some action..

Half of Phils brain: Don’t even think about it.

Other half of Phils brain: Why not? She’s lonely, needs attention, manly company..

Half of Phils brain: Shut up douche-fag!

Other half of Phils brain: MAKE ME!!

Sounds of punches and screams in Phils head. His head snaps to one side and he rubs his temple

Phil: Ow…

He shrugs and walks over to Wolf

Half of Phils brain: Don’t move assfag!

Phil steps forward and Wolf looks up at him, wiping a sparkling tear from her cheek

Wolf: What?..

Phil: Don’t give up Wolf. You’re a wonderful soldier and better friend. You can’t go to Shadow Moses because your story ties up with it too intricately. You need to stay here and guard home. Your time will come to fight.

Silence. Sound of a soft gust blowing

Other half of Phils brain: Such a good man you are..

Half of Phils brain: I fucking hate you! I hate you! I hope you fucking choke you bastard!

Other half of Phils brain: Sounds like another game of fisticuffs, put up your dukes, pussy!

Half of Phils brain: Bring it on bitchfaggot!

The sounds of screaming and punches happen again. Woflf just looks up at him, glassy-eyed and mouth half-open

Wolfs brain: He..does care about me..

Phils brain: EAT PUNCHES YOU LOUSY FUCK!!

Other half of Phils brain: BRING IT!! JUST TRY IT!!

Wolfs brain: Do it babe..just do it..

Wolf leans up and kisses Phil heavily on the lips. Phils eyes widen

Half of Phils brain: SWEET MERCIFUL CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wolf: Mmmm..

Wolf leans deeper into the kiss and Phil closes his eyes, leaning in deeper. Wolf falls back to the floor and Phil crawls on top of her, both of them kissing passionately on the sand

Wolfs brain: I’m just going to let lust take over babe..let it..

Wolf: mm..mmm..

Phil: mmmmm..

Half of Phils brain: YOU DIRTY, NO GOOD SON OF A--Oh for fucks--Now your aroused?! YOU TRAITOR!! HYPOCRITE!! MANWHORE!!

Wolf breaks the kiss and looks up at him

Wolf: Gun in your pocket?

Phil: You know it is.

Wolf: Two guns?

Phil: Only the one..

Wolf: YEEHAAAAA!!!

Wolf wraps her arms around his neck and pulls him down, kissing him harder and unbuttoning her shirt.

The camera quickly cuts to the Lamb and Flag

Frank is sitting on a bar stool, alone. Silence. The whole bar is staring at him. Sal, Brick, Steve, That Random Guy and Billy are on one table. Dave, Bob, Vince, Bobby, Karab and Dean on another. Next to their table sit Fedor Emelienenko, Ken Shamrock, Randy Couture, Chuck Liddell, Johnny Cash and Frank Sinatra. Opposite their table sit That Hispanic Guy, Jim, John, Stoofer, Johan, That Other Random Guy, Obese Maurice and Moe The Midget. Near them sit Tavi, Courtney, Raging Raven, Will and Laughing Octopus. Everyone is staring daggers at Frank, including Robbie who’s sitting at the bar

Frank: ..What?

Silence.

Frank: Jesus, just because I broke the news we’re due for battle--

Bob: Thanks..

Frank: Coach Lynch taught most of you this is what would happen!

Johnny Cash: I’ll have no-ones ass to kick for a few months..so I see we kick yours!

Frank: CALM! COME ON! DON’T SHOOT THE MESSENGER!

That Hispanic Guy: He’s right!

Silence.

That Hispanic Guy: Robbie, beat his ass

Robbie stands up and cracks his knuckles threateningly, advancing on Frank. Frank stumbles back and looks at Dick

Frank: Help?!

Dick shakes his head and Frank screams, running upstairs as Robbie gives chase. The bar immediately breaks into chatter. Jericho walks into the bar and sits on Robbies stool. That Hispanic Guy whistles and motions for him to sit at their table. Jericho slams down some notes and Dick hands him a pint. Jericho walks past Sals table

Sal: I see we mutiny, who volunteers?

No-one on the table put their hands up. Steve half-raises it, but Billy glares at him and he whimpers, putting it down

Sal: Cowards..why are we afraid of a guy who looks like a freakin’ hobo?

Raven: I agree with Sal! Lets just cut his throat!

Silence.

Sal: I was thinking more along tar and feather him..but we won’t drop that idea!

Emalienenko: Why don’t you all just impose your authority on him? One man would fear one hundred enemies.

Sal: BRILLIANT!!

Jericho stops running his finger around the rim of his glass, yawning

Jericho: Your attempts to stir up a revolution are, to be honest, shit.

Maurice: Look, laddy..we all ain’t pleased at having to fight..but we gotta, ya know? Or we ain’t mercenaries..

Sal: Oh yeah, mercenaries? Who pays us?

Dick: Yeah..Frank seems to pocket a lot of the money!

Will: Never trust a man who’s moustache has more style than his own body!

Bob: Says you, Will

Bob laughs and slaps his shoulder. Will simply shrugs

Will: I pride myself in my appearance. I’m so hot people have to put on suncream just to touch me. Poor Raven goes through five bottles a day

That Hispanic Guy: Man..you are one disturbed puto..

Jericho: Doesn’t the money go to our barracks?..

Frank runs the stairs, breathing heavily and looking around

Sal: Hey, Frank, if we’re mercenaries, who pays us and where does the money go to?!

Bar: YEAH?!

Frank sits down on a stool and faces them

Frank: Our barracks get paid by the British and American governments you idiots! We ourselves aren’t so much mercenaries as guerillas..militia..we’re our own fighting corps.

Moe: Thats shit! Why don’t we take on the governments?

Jim: Too big of a job..we’d have to have big balls for that..

Will: You called?

Jim: Metaphor, you fucking jerk-off!

Frank: Guys..whats with the hostility?

Bar: We’re going to Shadow Moses.

Frank: Pff..What did you think we’re here for?

Jericho; To drink.

Cash: To have fun

Sal: To go nuts

Will: To make love to beautiful women.

Stoofer: To live free.

Brick: To be our own person.

Frank: ...Well too fucking bad! We have to do this!

Moe: You know what? I say we scrap this leadership system

Moe looks up at Maurice and motions for a boost. Maurice grabs Moe under the arms and lifts him onto the table. Everyone looks at Moe.

Moe: Seems to me like everyones getting more hostile because we have to listen to a fucking hobo. I saw..why follow a leader? If we aren’t mercenaries, then why do we need a leader?

Silence. Everyone turns to Frank

Ivan: He’s got a point, Frank. Ve alvays seem to be following you..

Silence.

Frank: Guys..will you just listen to yourselves? The fact is, without leadership, there would be more hostility! Who would make decisions?! Who would make tactics?! Who would unite us all?!

Mantis: My sugars got a point..United we stand..divided we fall

Courtney: Exactly! Besides, the more of us there are together, the bigger the whirlwind of destruction!

Frank: Tell you what..i’ll get Coach Lynch in to lead us

Silence.

Bar: YEAH!!

Frank: ARE YOU ALL INSANE?! This is the man who taught you through your time in the barracks! He’d lock you in a cage if one of you got a question wrong!

Karab: Yes, but he united us all!

Frank remains silently dumbstruck

Frank: OK! Fine! I’ll get him! Being a Head Honcho, I’ll speak to him! Would you all like that?

Sal: YEAH!!

Will: YEAH!!

Dave: YEAH!!

Bob smirks and watches as Frank stands up and walks outside

Frank: I’LL GET HIM!!

Mantis quickly gets up and walks out after him. The whole bar starts cheering

Dick: Ok guys, you all win. Everyone gets 5 free drinks!

Shamrock: I’ll miss you guys!!

==

Night rolls into the Middle East, and the only building lit is Franks house and the Lamb and Flag. The streetlamps fill the sandy streets with an orange glow, as well as highlighting the square which still has metal folding chairs in it. On the wooden stage in front of the destroyed town hall, Phil and Wolf are laying with a random blanket covering them. Wolf is laying with her head on Phils chest

Wolf: Uhh...we went overboard?

Silence.

Phil: Yes..

Wolf: At least--

Phil: Don’t say it

Wolf: Say what?

Phil: No-one can see us--....Ahhhh shit

Will, Dave, Jericho, Karab, Dean, Sal, Brick, Raven, Octopus, Bob, Stoofer, That Hispanic Guy and Billy walk into the square. Phil quickly hides under the covers, leaving Wolf laying there as they walk past, not noticing

Octopus: You guys should go easy on him! He’s led you for god-knows-how-long now!

Karab: But he’s starting to get..power-hungry!

Dean: My man Karabs got a point..Franks always been a bit nutty, but he just keeps enforcing authority on us! I love the man as a brother, but he’s overstepping the line.

Raven stops and glances at the podium

Raven: Hi Wolf..

Everyone stops and looks at Wolf, laying naked under a blanket

Wolf:.....Hi?

Octopus: Hi..Wolf..What ar you doing in public..naked..covered with a blanket?

She smiles nervously and shrugs

Wolf: ...Sleeping?

Jericho takes the cigar out of his mouth and points at the lump beside her

Jericho: With a teddy?

Wolf: Yes..

Phil sneezes and the lump shudders

Dave: What the fuck was that?!

Dave looks around, cautiously. The lump quickly stops moving.

Dean: Hang on, where’s Phil been?

Sal: ....OHHHHHHHHH!!! SNAP!!

Brick: What?

Sal: Nothing. You blithering idiots.

Silence.

Jericho: Can I see the teddy?

Wolf: No..

Jericho: Ok Phil, you can come out

The lump doesn’t move

That Hispanic Guy: Yeah, thats Phil. Lazy lump.

Phil slowly peers out of the covers, sitting up. Silence.

Dean: So you two are back together?

Silence.

Wolf: Well..

Phil looks at Wolf

Wolf: ....Yes. Yes we are.

Phils eyes widen and his mouth widens

Phil: SERIOUSLY?!

Wolf: Well, the sex was great, I didn’t move out..I’ll just run the shop..

Phil chokes and Jericho starts chuckling, taking a deep puff of the cigar

Wolf: Tavi doesn’t mind..She even encouraged me..hell, Courtney even gave me the thumbs up

Silence. Billy points at laugh and starts maniacally

Billy: WOOOOOOO!!! FUCKING BURNED!!

Tom Morello runs in and points at Phil

Morello: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Silence.

Morello: You’ve just been burned!

Silence.

Morello: Burned!

Morello runs off, cackling

Phil: Well..if that’s the case..GIMME SOME SUGAR!!

Wolf: OH, PHIL!!

Phil pulls Wolf under the cover, kissing her passionately as he does. After a while, the covers start to writhe and pulsate, loud moans coming from under them

Karab: OH MY SWEET ALLAH!!

Dean: RUN!! I DON’T WANNA SEE PENIS!!!

Mantis: Frank..take me home

Frank: Yes. Yes I will.

The crowd runs off, screaming, or, in Mantis and Franks case, in eachothers arms. Wolf and Phil re-surface

Phil: That scared ‘em..

Wolf keeps breathing heavily, her hair skew-wiff

WOlf: Uhh..are we having sex?

Phil lifts the covers and looks

Phil: Yes. Yes we are.

Both of them quickly dive beneath the covers again.

In Franks house, he’s sitting on his couch, rubbing the side of his temple while drinking bourbon from the bottle.

Frank: I think..I might just give up leadership..

Bob: Oh quiet, you big baby

Bob is standing in the doorway. He holds it open and Octopus walks in, moving her short blonde hair from her eyes and sitting on the couch opposite Frank. Bob sits beside her

Bob: Maybe Frank..you gotta stop being so powerhungry and authoritative..Everyone hates authority..You’re stirring a revolution beneath your nose..Everyone likes you..hell, people say you’re cool, but you’re being..a cunt.

Frank: I know..well, Coach Lynch is coming down tomorrow..

Octopus: Coach Lynch?

Bob: The single most psychotic bastard history has ever seen. He once strung up Brick upside down by his ankles just because he was chewing gum

Octopus’s eyes widen

Octopus: JESUS!!

Bob: Say what you want..man got us battle-hardened

Frank: Eeesh..I need something to cheer me up--

Mantis walks out, covered in only a blanket and grabs Franks hand

Mantis: Let’s rock, big boy.

Frank: ...uhh...I have a ...cold.

Mantis: Don’t fuck with me and fuck me.

Frank stares at Bob

Bob: Good luck, drunky

Frank: BASTARD!!

Mantis grabs Frank and drags him to the bedroom. Frank screams loudly as Mantis shuts and locks the bedroom door. The sound of a pounce and muffled screams as well as bedsprings

Bob: ..And personally, I think I should be leader..

Octopus simply keeps looking up at Bob. Bob looks down at her

Bob: Is your eye glinting?

Silence.

Bob: ....Oh. Fuck.

Octopus jumps up and onto Bob. He screams and hits the floor with Octopus on top of him. The door opens and Dave enters, hanging up his trilby on the coatrack beside the door

Dave: Eeesh, what a day..Mr. Jackscar here just had to shoo away Liquid Ocelot! Bastard was trying to use Guns of the Patriots on a few rabbits--

Dave looks down at Bob and Octopus making out. He quickly grabs his trilby again and turns around

Dave: I saw everything.

He slams the door and the scene fades