Lynch: ENEMY SPY?!?!? I BET YOU'RE THE FUCKING SPY!! I OUGHT TO STRING YOU BALLS UP AND FEED THEM TO THAT FUCKING MANTIS!!!!! AND WHY DIDN'T YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?!?!?! OR TELL MANTIS TO LET THE FUCKING MEDIC COME ALONG?!?!??! I KNOW SHE MAY BE A SUGAR GLIDER, BUT THAT WAS OUR FUCKING MEDIC!!!! NOT ONLY THAT, BUT YOU JUST IGNORE HIM WHEN HE'S DYING?!?!?! I SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT A TRAINED MONKEY, HE'D BE BETTER AND SMELL MUCH NICER THAN YOU, YOU STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF GOBSHITE!!!!!
Frank: I--
Lynch: DID I SAY YOU COULD SPEAK?! NEXT TIME YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH I'LL RAM MY FIST IN AND PULL YOUR LUNGS FROM YOUR NOSTRILS!!!!!
Frank remains silent. The mercenaries keep watching, grinning.
Lynch: YOU FUCKING CUNT!!! YOU DUMB FUCKING FUCKING FUCK! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!
Frank keeps silent, looking down. A small squeak is heard.
Sal: Sorry guys.
Frank: You fucking--
Lynch darts forward and grabs Franks neck, attempting to shove his hand down his throat. Steve, Billy and Obese Maurice dart through the hole in the wall and quickly grab Lynch. Phil, Dave and Bob grab Frank and all 6 of them pull as the others watch, laughing their asses off.
Vince: It must be love!
Lynch lets go of Frank and turns to Vince
Lynch: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAYAYAYAYAYAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lynch starts frothing at the mouth wildly and shoots towards Vince. Vince stares and screams, turning around and running through the wall which has been patched over, collapsing and hitting his head off the floor. Lynch flies into the air, but collapses instantly, asleep. We zoom back and see Phil with a tranquilizer gun, standing there with it aimed at Lynch. Frank dusts himself off.
Bob: Woah..nice shooting, Phil
Phil: No problem.
Lynch is lying on the floor, snoring loudly. Phil slowly tiptoes over to him. Mr. Dibbley is looking down at him blankly
Mr. Dibbley: Why is it there are so many insane people?
Phil: I met an insane guy once. Thought he was a Templar Knight and thought he was saving the world from an evil one night..Think his name was Roo-tra Roo-tree? Roo-thra? Something Canal. Anyway, He played a lot of this website.."Guy Online", I think..Pure propaganda it is..anyway, to cut a long story short, Turns out he was killed last month overdosing on a PCP sandwich.
Mr Dibbley: Ouch, that would kill him..
Phil: Not really. He'd smoked so much dope before hand he couldn't see the bread went mouldy. The poisoning killed him.
Dean walks over and pats Phil on the back
Dean: Nice story, Phil.
Phil: Well, he died how he lived...Hated, laughed at, ridiculed, but seeing 256-bit colour.
Dean: I met someone who was insane before..
Mr. Dibbley: Who?
Dean slowly turns around and points at Karab, who is picking his nose with the barrel of his assault rifle. Frank walks over and slaps the back of his head. Karabs head shoots forward so he's doubled over, the barrel of the rifle up his nose.
Karab: Oh god..by nose! Ids up by nose!!!
Sal and Billy grab Karab, trying to pull his nose from the barrel
Karab: I bedder nod sneeze or id be shooding myself!!!
Maurice screams wildly and charges at Karab. Karab screams like a gierl and jumps up, the barrel dislodging from his nose. Maurice stops, smiles and nods.
Karab: Thanks, Maurice!
Frank: Ok..dudes..
Bill: Stopped crying, pussywipe?
Frank: Fuck you! Let's just continue with the mission! It's cold, it smells, there's dead people, and the guards are getting fishy! The sooner we do this, the sooner time can patch itself up!
Phil: I for one like waking up to the sound of the Motor City Machine Guns double-teaming a Gekkou!
Mr. Moneypennies: Yo, and I like being able to keepz my camehomies, dawg!
Brick: ..Uh, yeah!
Frank: So..this is a mutiny, eh?!?!?!?!
Everyone turns to Frank, staring at him with narrow-eyes. Frank gulps.
Frank: Uhh..only joking...Let's..go? Guys? Please?
Dean: Pussy.
Frank: Fuck you, Dean!
Dean: No thanks, I prefer women. Sexy women. Sexy women with big boobs and low-cut tops.
Will: Damn, Dean..You making me drool!
Will wipes his chin
Will: Hey..you think they have female guards?
Frank: No.
Wills face fades
Will: So it's a Penis Parade? A Sausage Sorority? A Goolies Group? A Prick Party--
Frank: YES!
Will: ...I need boobies.
Dean: Me too.
Sal: And me!
Bill: Hell yeah for knockers!
Maurice: Count me in for some titties!
Phil: Someone say boobies? I'm in!
Brick: Me too!
Mr. Moneypennies: Sheeit! Me as well, dawgs!
Billy: TITS!!!
Frank looks around at the one-way minded mercenaries. He shakes his head in disbelief, rubbing his temple. Lynch slowly comes to and sits up.
Lynch: Boooooooooooooooobieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssss........
Frank: Look! Guys! Can we just..be sensible for once!
Silence. They all laugh loudly.
Vince: Us? Sensible? I think I speak for us all--
Will: How offending.
Vince: Well, those of us who aren't useless retards with personality issues.
Will: Why, thank you, Vince. Coming from you, a sociopathic neurotic social retard, with the charm and grace of an Ant with an ass instead of a face, that's a compliment.
Brick: Hey! Vince HAS a personality! It's just..hard to see sometimes
Billy: Try living with him!
Vince whines
Billy: Sorry dude.
Frank: LOOK! CAN WE CONTINUE?!
Lynch gets to his feet and dusts himself off, grabbing his rifle and slinging it strap-first over his shoulder
Lynch: I agree. Steve! That's a Level 2 Door--
Steve: Really? I didn't know.
Phil: Ooooooooooo! Go Steve!
Lynch just shakes his head
Lynch: I'll pretend I didn't hear that, you hyperactive little squirt. Can you hack it?
Steve: Yes'm!
Lynch looks around in disbelief at Steves schizophrenic tendencies, slapping the side of his head. Steve pushes a few buttons
Steve: Hey..it's very comple--
Dave walks forward and shoots the computer panel. The door opens instantly.
Dave: Problem solved.
Dave and Steve hi-5
Frank: Ok guys..where next?
Lynch: To the surface.
Frank: MORE snow?
Phil: It's not fucking Ibiza, Frank. Of course it's snow. Did you expect sandy beaches, palm trees and drinks with umbrellas in them?
Billy: That would be nice, though
Phil: Yeah, it would be, wouldn't it?
Steve: And those coconut shells you drink from?
Mr. Dibbley: And the crystal sea.
Mr. Moneypennies: Ands tha bitches...
Bob: And the sandy beaches--
Lynch walks forward, pushing those unfortunate enough to be in front of the door: Dave, Bob, Steve and Frank, through it.
---
The scene cuts to the elevator, past the now-melted, slimy remains of their defeated foe: The Phall Monster. The mercenaries are all jam-packed in this tiny room, which, with Maurice and Mr. Dibbley the talking penguin in it, makes it seem more like a clown car than an elevator. The elevator is rising verrrrryyyy slowlllllyyyyy..and the Mercenaries can only stand there, hands linked over lap, looking as professional as possible for a bunch of idiots, looking at the ceiling as if it would make the elevator travel faster. Frank coughs.
Frank: Guys...I think...we should get something to eat..keep our strength up..
Vince: Eww..no thanks..I'm still full after that curry monster...
Dave: I might end up shitting an eyeball...Eww..it was..indescribable..
Billy: Well..you were about to get eaten by what you eat..
Bill: Scary, huh?
Vince: Scared me.
Dean: Pussies!
Will: Uhh..guys, the handsome one needs to refuel at the station.
Frank: You got something to eat?
Will: Eat? Oh, right, I was looking for a tent to stick my pole in.
Silence.
Will: Yup. Total sausage fest here.
Mr. Dibbley: Very nice..Very nice.
The elevator keeps going up slowly. Everyone remains silent, looking at the ceiling to avoid talking.
Will: So....Dave...I notice you don't have a girlfriend.
Dave: Don't want one.
Will: I could hook you up..
Dave: Why? I don't need one.
Will: She's cute
Dave: Good for you, although I fail to see what this conversation has to do with me.
Bob: Daves psychotic as it is..One push over the edge and he'll be Ivan crazy
Vince: What about Sal crazy?
Sal: I resent that remark! I like to think of myself as "Contained crazy"
Mr. Dibbley: Which means?
Lynch: He could detonate at any moment. I'm contained crazy, but contained crazy with a fuse the size of a midgies dick which is only set off by hopeless buffoons. So, Frank, I recommend that if you feel the need to speak to me, you write a post-it note and hand it to me.
Silence. Frank slaps Lynch on the back.
Lynch: I swear to fuck if you just put "Kick Me" on my back, I will kick you in your asshole so hard you'll be sneezing leather in the future. Capiche?
Frank whines and peels the note off of Lynchs back.
Lynch: Atta boy.
Silence. The doors slide open on the first floor. Noticeably, one of the giant Sherman Tanks which cast an ominous presence across the cold hall has now disappeared
Frank: Oh Jesus, that can't be good.
They all step out and look at the huge gap and shell-loading bay where the tank once lay
Steve: Bad juju! BAD JUJU!
Steve reaches into his pocket and pulls out some Lucky Charms
Steve: THEY'RE MAGICALLY DELICIOUS! LUCKY THE LEPRECAUN WILL SAVE ME! THEY'RE MAGICALLY DELICIOUS! UNLOCK THE KEY!
Phil turns to Steve and shakes him
Phil: CALM DOWN, MAN! WE'RE SAFE!
Echoing Voice: KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dean: Oh fucking hell, we're not.
The hall starts to rock violently as flames burst out of an air vent on the floor to the North East.; On the metal balcony above, a bald, huge-presenced man with scarred face, gnarled hands, and wearing nothing more than a pair of snow camouflage trousers, black boots, and an insanely blank grin, jumps from the Balcony and to the floor, rolling through and facing them, arms spread wide
Ivan: YOU SEE THE KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM????????????!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Silence.
Dean: .....Yes?
Ivan: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IVAN STEAL TANK SHELL FROM HERE! C4 FROM B2! MIX IT UP AND!!!! KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sal: Now that's crazy.
Lynch: Ivan..take your shots!
Ivan grabs the FAMAS assault rifle from his back and points it up, firing wildly while he cackles
Lynch: THE SYRINGE! THE SYRINGE YOU MADMAN!
He turns to them, not taking his finger off the tringer and spraying bullets. They all quickly dive to the floor, covering their heads with their hands. The magazine runs out quickly and Ivan tosses the gun to the floor, his right eye twitching maniacally as he struggles to grab the syringe from his belt, his hands shaking violently
Ivan: IVAN! KABOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!
A gloved hand grabs the syringe from his belt and jams it into his neck. Ivan tenses up, his face turning back, before he falls back onto his ass, and a small smile creeps across his face
Ivan: Ahhh..vank you Jevicho..
A man next to him, wearing black leather gloves, a long tan trenchcoat, snow camouflage pants, a white dress shirt, a green tie, and with semi-long brown hair stands there with a cigar in his right hand, smouldering lightly. He looks down at Ivan and shrugs.
Jericho: No problem!
Howard Finkel: INTRODUCING..JERICHO! KINGSTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNN!!!!
Silence. They all look up.
Dean: What the fudgedonut?
Steve: Another rip in the time continuum..We better accomplish this mission fast.
Frank: How come The Fink never announced my presence, dammit?!?!?!?!
Lynch: Because you touch yourself at night.
Frank: No, Mantis touches me at night--
Vince vomits on the floor.
Sal: Too much information you sick shitbag!
Vince: YOU SON OF A BASTARD CUNT!!
Maurice: Ya dirty fuck..We don't wanna know what ye and the missus get up to at night..
Frank: Well, one time, she got some handcuffs out, and--
Lynch unholsters his pistol and puts the barrel in Franks mouth.
Lynch: One more word and I paint the wall behind you with dust.
Frank gulps, and Lynch takes the pistol out and re-holsters it. Wills stomach growls.
Will: So hungry..
Maurice: I thought ye wanted to bone instead?
Will: Need food..
Bob reaches into his belt, but Will shoves his arm
Will: NO! I refuse to eat common peasant food! I have a magical concoction that will keep me going through the mission!
Frank: BEER?!?!?!
Will:....Shut the fuck up, rummy, it's a protein shake.
Will unlatches his hip flask from his leather belt and unscrews the top, smelling it as Jericho walks over to them, leaning over and looking into the hipflask.
Will: Blended wheatgrass, lemongrass, basil, milk, orange and honey smoothie...Yum!
Silence. Everyone looks at Will.
Phil: My God, you ARE a homo.
Will: Fuck you! Unhealthy, uncleansed beings! This is a protein shake!
Will takes a sip
Will: Mmm..I can feel the health going through me.
Wills smile fades as he tastes it, smelling the flask
Will: Mmmm...health..
Maurice leans in and smells the flask, retching
Maurice: PHWOAR! SMELLS LIKE MOULDY GIRAFFE SHIT!
Will: FUCK YOU! IT'S HEALTH!
Wills smile fades further as he swallows
Vince: Mmm..liquidized mouldy giraffe shit..
Will retches and spits it onto the floor
Will: GYAHHHH!!! FUCK YOU ALL!!!
They all laugh. Frank slaps Will on the back.
Frank: Enough fucking around..It'd be best to get a cup of tea or coffee in this coldness..
Silence. Everyone turns to Frank.
Frank: What?
Bill: It's a huge base used to hold nuclear weapons and people against their will. I doubt they have a canteen where everyone talks about their day at the office.
Dean: "And today, I shot a hostage who tried to run! Aha! What did you do today, Phil?"
Phil: "Why, Dean, old chap, I shot a man in the face because he looked at me wrong. Mr. Dibbley?"
Mr. Dibbley: "Well, chaps, I launched a nuclear weapon at the United States, normal day, eh?"
Frank: Ok then, you fuckers! Shall we just go into the Snowfield so we can go back to our homes?
Phil: I'd rather not.
Frank: Why?..
Phil: Well, my house is haunted. There's an evil, foul presence stalking the coridoors, ready to pounce on me and tear me apart.
Steve: Oh wow..we should get a priest..
Phil: No
Steve: But it sounds like one vindictive ghost!
Phil: Ghost? It's Wolf, you idiot! Everytime I open the door it says "Come heeeeeeeeeeeeeeere...Come heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere...I want your SOUL!"
Silence. Dramatic piano music. Everyone turns to Steve who is seated at a Grand Piano in the middle of the hall.
Steve: Whoops.
Steve slides the Piano away.
Frank: Phil, that's overexaggerating..Not every Beauty and the Beast Unit member is like that
Will stifles a laugh.
Frank: Fuck you! Mantis isn't like tha---Ok, she is.
Bob: Octopus is sane!
Karab: Irony.
Dean: Well, who would you believe is the most sane, Karab ol' buddy?
Brick: Wait..we're all talkin 'bout the Unit, aren't we? I ain't just missing words and stuff out, am I?
Will: Nope, but I gotta admit..No-ones sane.
Frank: From the Unit?
Will: No, I mean no-one from here. As in, all of you are BAT. SHIT. KERAZY!!!
Maurice: Lad has a point !We all a few corndogs short of tah picnic!
Bill: Especially Sal.
Ivan: And me..Never forget me..
Bill: And the guy who needs meds.
Sal: I need meds!...GRAR!
Silence. Sal bares his teeth and adopts a fake twitch.
Sal: ...GRAR!
Dave: Ok, Jinnah
Sal: I have a sense of humour, dammit!!!!
Mr. Dibbley: Yes, sure you do, Mr. Jinnah
Sal: GRAAAAHHHHH!!!
Lynch: Look, pussywipes, lets just do this
Jericho: Seconded. Let's move out, bastards!
They all shoulder their rifles and follow Lynch towards the open blast doors. Steve coughs loudly and they all stop in front of the blast doors, which has several grooves across the floor at random intervals.
Lynch: What?
Steve: Infrared laser beams.
Vince: Is that bad?
Ivan: Very bad..Explosives or gas?
Steve walks over to the control panel also used to open the door via Keycard and taps in a series of keys
Steve: Gas. Ricin with methane.
Sal: Well, if I was stuck in there with several tonnes of killing gas, I'd kinda crap my pants too.
Bill: Judging by the methane, someone did.
Mr. Dibbley: Undoubtedly. Smells like someone already has.
Jonny walks by in the background, whining.
Steve: Done!
Lynch: Ok..move on!
The mercenaries and Lynch all let out a savage warcry and run towards the door at the opposite side. The door opens instantly, ferocious snow pouring into the hangar. They ignore it in a burst of adrenaline and run outside. They all make it outside, only for the door to close. They all stand out there, shivering instantly.
Jericho: Fuckin' chilly..I think me balls are taking cover in me crotch!
Phil: You dirty bastard! I don't want to know what your balls are up to!
Maurice: Mine are wor cold..
Lynch and Frank remain silent, looking forward.
Lynch: So thats what happened to the other tank..
The mercenaries all look up at the giant Sherman Tank standing out amongst the relatively heavy blizzard like a sore thumb. To their right, behind a series of triple-pipes filtering gas into the base, lays Solid Snake, getting his wits and equipment about him. He's quickly equipped a belt of grenades, and lays there, just staring at the tank.
Dean: He's going to take a tank on all by himself?
Steve: Yeah, it might be Optimus Prime as a tank!
Frank: Hey, that'd be fucking awesome!
Dave: Look, is anyone else kind of unnerved that the way to the Warhead Storage, and thus way home, is blocked by a several tonne armor-plated explosive-shooting killing machine?
Ivan: Feh..Armor..is all the same underneath...a driver made of flesh and bone..
Vince: Ivan, something tells me you aren't into this whole "Human Compassion" thing, are you?
Ivan: I like blowing stuff up. Is that ok for you?!
Frank: It is for me!
The mercenaries go quiet and watch as Snake patters towards the huge Sherman tank. The tank turns its turret and Snake quickly lays down. A huge question mark floats above it.
Vulcan Raven: Where you go?!
Frank looks at the ground, at the conveniently-winding footsteps between blocks of snow
Frank: Huh....Weird..Steve--
Steve: Mines.
Phil: I love it when you go smart, Steve!
Phil ruffles Steves hair, and he lets out a small coo. Brick looks down at the squares.
Brick: Yeah, right, mine thingies are just urban legends!
Brick spits some tobacco onto one of the squares, and a huge explosion throws snow up into the air. Dean coughs, his eyebrows singed and looks next to him at a pile of snow.
Dean: OH SHIT! KARAB?!
A pair of lips poke from underneath the snow
Karab: Not. Funny.
Coach Lynch pulls a pipe from out the back of his pocket and puts it in Karabs mouth
Lynch: Now THAT'S funny!
The snowmans head turns to Lynch
Karab: Fuck you.
Lynch: Ah ah..
Karab: Fuck you. SIR.
Dean brushes the snow off Karab, and the mercenaries start to walk forward as an explosion from a grenade shoots snow into the air like a frozen Catherine Wheel, and rocks the tanks core.
Raven: I WILL PWN YOU NOOB!!!
Silence. The mercenaries stop, shake their heads, and continue walking past a huge rock within the snowy canyon towards the Nuclear Warhead Storage, ignoring the huge battle ahead. Snake pats his belt, only to discover he has run out of Grenades, and he quickly patters back towards the pipe. Raven has obviously noticed the un ski-masked mercenaries, the walking penguin, the trenchcoat wearing Jericho, and the unbelievably overdressed Will. The tanks turret turns towards them, causing them to stop abruptly.
Frank: Oh fucking shit.
Mr. Moneypennies pops out of Bricks pocket.
Mr. Moneypennies: Yo dogs, I miss anyting?...OH FUCK DUDES!!! A TANK IS POINTING ITS CAPPER AT OUR ASSES!!!
Vulcan Raven: STOP! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO RAVEN!
Silence.
Frank: Oh. Fuck..WE'RE ON YOUR SIDE!!
Raven: Random hostile Alaskan metaphor!!
Silence.
Sal: What?
Raven: RANDOM INUIT METAPHOR WHICH MAKES NO SENSE!!!
Silence.
Snake: What you say?
Silence.
Raven: I just wanna shoot the mercenaries for no reason.
They all scream and Raven fires a shell at them. They all jump out of the way, with Maurice landing on Phil.
Maurice: Ah! Fahck Phil! Ya alright, mate?
Phil remains silent.
Phil: I can taste my spine.
Maurice: Good lad..
Phil: ....I think my ribs are like gravel.
Snake hurls a grenade at the Tank and it lands in the hatch
Frank: LEAVE US ALONE!! WE'RE ON YOUR SIDE!!!
The white-clad Genome soldier, acting as the gunner, looks down
Genome Soldier: Goodnight America!
The Grenade explodes and he flies into the air, screaming and landing on the snow in front of the mercenaries in a crimson pool. Dean looks up.
Dean: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
Bill: No, it's Random Flying Dead Guy!
Billy: Duh-duh-duh duh...
They quickly come to their senses, now noticing that the tank is busy hurtling towards them.
Raven: RANDOM ALASKAN CRUSHING METAPHOR ABOUT RAVENS AND SNOW!!!
Phil: WHAT IS HE SAYING?!?!?!?! HE MAKES NO SENSE!!!
Will: HE'S BUTCHERING THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE AND THE WORLD OF FASHION!!!!
The tank keeps hurtling towards them
Frank: I think...this is it.
The tank keeps coming at them.
Steve: Why us?! Why not Snake?!?!
Raven: SNAKE BE UNCONSCIOUS!!
Mr. Dibbley: He clearly isn't!
Snake throws another grenade, forcing the new Gunner to close the hatch. The Grenade explodes, and Raven simply turns the turret towards Snake and fires. Snake flies several feet through the air and smashes off the nearby pipes, knocked unconscious.
Dave: YOU CHEATING SON OF A BITCH!
Bob: So..this is it. No more Octopus. No more insanity.
Lynch: Nope.
Frank: Nada.
Phil: Well...at least there's one silver lining?
Maurice: And?
Phil: We won't leave behind a legacy for people to piss on
Mr. Dibbley: And this is true.
Lynch: Goddamn..Look, guys..I just wanna say..
Dean: Yeah?
Lynch: Of all the good companies full of well-trained heroes I could've led..I much prefer being in the companies of you beer-drinking hell-raising cowards..
All: YEAH!!!!
Silence. Tank keeps speeding towards them.
Bob: We're gonna die!
Mr. Moneypennies: Sheeeit dude!! I don't wanna be snake paste!
Sal: Me neither! I'm too rich to die!
Lynch: THAT'S IT MAN! SNOWBALL FIGHT!
Frank: ..What?
Raven: What you say?!
Lynch leans down, grabs a handful of snow and throws it at the Gunners head. The Gunner squeals like a girl and rubs the snow off of his white balaclava
Gunner: Oh mah gods! He gots snow on meh mask! It's cold!
The tank stops. Lynch grins.
Raven: Pull yourself together! Kill them! Burn them all!
The Gunner surfaces, only to squeal as he sees all the mercenaries have their hands packed with snow
Lynch: FIRE TORPEDOS!
Bob: We haven't got any torpedos!
Lynch: ...Just throw your damn balls.
Will: I shall do no such thing! I shall threw my snowball, thank you very much!
A flurry of snowballs fill the air and start to hit the tank. The Gunner squeals, falling out of the hatch and rolling down the front of the tank, grabbing the turret
Gunner: Oh noes! Helps me Raven! They gots snow!
Steve throws a snowball which hits the Gunners hand, causing him to dislodge his right hand, hanging onto the turret with his left hand. He grabs some snow from the tanks front and throws it at Frank, Frank rubs his face dry and throws a snowball at his crotch. The Gunner squeals and cups his crotch with his right hand. Another flurry of snowballs come in, and relentlessly pound the gunner. Raven opens the hatch and squeezes out
Raven: GODDAMMIT!!
Phil, Dave and Bob throw snowballs at Raven, which hit him
Raven: STOP!
Frank and Lynch throw large snowballs at him, which pound off him. Ivan and Jericho are busy fiddling with something. Ivan has emptied a lighter and coated a snowball wrapped in cloth in the lighter fluid. Mr. DIbbley winds up a huge snowball and throws it at the gunner, hitting him in the head and causing him to let go of the turret, bouncing off the tanks front and rolling into the snow in front of them
Gunner: OH NOES! COLD!
Jericho lights the snowball with his cigar lighter and throws it at the gunner, setting him alight. The Gunner sets on fire and flails around in the snow
Gunner: FIRE! HELP! FIRE!
Jericho runs up to the Gunner, brings his foot back, and kicks him in the testicles so hard the guard flies several feet back and rolls across the snow. Jericho clutches his feet.
Jericho: Goddamn! That hurt!
Raven shuts the hatch and turns to them
Raven: That's it!
Another Gunner peers out of the hatch, and the tanks engine roars into life again, hurtling towards them
Lynch: Well, at least we had fun
Raven: ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO RAVEN!
Ivan: Vell..it's a good day to die!
Maurice: Ow, speak for yourself.
Brick: Oh crackers.
They all close their eyes, praying silently. Suddenly, there's another roar of a tank, and the sound of "Bulls on Parade!" fills the air. They quickly open their eyes, watching as a black-painted Sherman tank with a large red star on the side swerves around the mercenaries and parks in front of them. Zack De La Rocha, wearing a green army helmet, opens the hatch, clutching a megaphone
De La Rocha: STEP AWAY FROM THE COWARDS!!!
Lynch: Thats us! Just fire!
De La Rocha turns to them
De La Rocha: No! You're Mercenaries! You kill for money!
Silence.
Dave: Why are you arguinig? We help you! We kill bad guys!
Silence. De La Rocha slips into the hatch, conferring for a while. He surfaces after a few minutes.
De La Rocha: Good enough for me..Now, Raven, any last words?!?!?!
Raven: I AM ERROR!!
De La Rocha: Say Goodnight, Mr. Raven!
The black tank fires a shell towards the Sherman Tank. It scores a direct hit, and Raven quickly closes the hatch, a huge scorch mark in the side. Fire starts to slowly consume it, and Raven opens the hatch
Raven: HOT HOT HOT!!
Snake, now conscious, sees his chance, patters towards the tank, and throws a grenade in. It explodes violently and the Gunner flies several hundred feet into the air.
De La Rocha: Oooooooooooooooooooo...........
The body slowly starts to come down
Lynch: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....
The body hits the snow with a sickening crunch, as thick, black smoke from the Sherman Tank starts to fill the air
Steve: Ouch.
Snake walks over to the body and kneels beside it, reaching into its pockets.
Frank: Dude, he's looting a body!
Snake pulls a Level 3 Keycard out of the Gunners pocket and smiles to himself
Snake: Sweeeeet...
Snake walks over to the huge, steel-gray blast doors which mark the opening to Nuclear Warhead Storage, scanning the Keycard. The doors slowly slide up.
Frank: Well..bye guys.
The mercenaries turn to Rage Against The Machine and their Tank Of Doom
De La Rocha: No problem, guys. Just remember..Rebel! Rebel and Yell!
Silence.
Lynch: ...Yeah. Will do.
Tom Morellos head slowly peers up from the hatch, beside De La Rochas
Morello: Well, Ravens done, so now..back to the future..
Silence.
Steve: Back to the...well, whenever.
Lynch: Well..bye.
Silence. A blue haze starts to obscure the tank.
Morello: If you want us, just say the words Hoopypoopy Markakeschnork!
Silence.
Billy: What the fook?!?!?!
Morello: SILENCE! YOU SHALL NOT DOUBT TOM MORELLOS CODEWORDS!
The tank disappears in a blue haze, and the Mercenaries are left staring at the door, and a huge indent in the snow.
Lynch: ...Ok. Let's just go before I turn the gun on myself.
The mercenaries turn around and start to walk forward, past the smouldering remains of the tank..where Raven isn't actually dead.
Ravens Voice: Well, Boss. I hope you're happy....He got the card..
Liquids Voice (From A Walkie Talkie): ..We'll play with him a little longer..
Raven nor Ocelot know that the Mercenaries have now stopped just feet away from the tank, standing silent in the snow, listening
Will
Phil
The mercenaries laugh quietly, and keep listening
Ravens Voice: You would be wise not to underestimate him..
Liquids Voice: What did you think of him?
Ravens Voice: He's just as you said..
Ravens huge, black form slowly sculks up from the wreckage of the tank. The mercenaries quickly dart forward a few feet, walking towards the doors of the Blast Furnace, hoping Raven doesn't notice.
Vulcan Raven: In battle, he is as if possessed by a demon. Much like you, I would expect no less.
Will
Dean
Ocelots Voice: You see? I told you so. But I will kill him.
Raven: So, General Ivan, I hear he took your hand, as well as your dignity?
Ocelots Voice From Walkie Talkie: Watch your tongue, shaman!
Raven: In the language of the Sioux people, Sioux means snake. It is known as an animal to be feared.
Ravens start to flock on the wreckage of the tank. The mercenaries are still listening, slowly getting bored
Ocelots Voice: Well, Snake is mine now..When I meet him next, I shall take special care of him.
Liquids Voice From Walkie Talkie: Not yet! Don't kill him yet..
Raven: He and I will meet again in battle.
Ocelots Voice: Same prediction as always?
Raven: Yes. The raven on my head..it thirsts for his blood..
Frank
Sal
Raven slowly gets out of the tank and starts to drag it with him, back into the Tank Hangar, blissfully unaware of the Mercenaries presence. As the door opens, and the hulking form of Raven and the decimated Tank disappears, they breathe a sigh of relief
Lynch: Thank fucking God..
However, they fail to see that the Gunner, launched several feet into the air, was merely knocked unconscious. As Karab brings up the rear of the pack, the soldier grabs his foot, drags himself up and grabs Karab, pointing a pistol at his head
Soldier: Don't fuggin move, traitors! I'll blow the Pakis brains out!
Karab: I'm Indian! Do you people need special racist maps?!
Lynch reaches to his own pistol holster, but the soldier cocks the gun.
Soldier: Oi! Stop!
Frank: We're on your side, douchebag!
Soldier: Why you no stop Snake? TRAITORS! JUDASES!
Phil: That's it. I'm calling down the true warrior.
Frank: Who?
Phil: ...Sheamus.
Silence.
Lynch: Who?
Phil: Sheamus? Sheamus O' Shauneassay? The Irish Curse?
Lynch: ..The fuck do you smoke..
Jericho: Sounds good to me! Let's make a paradox!
They all remain silent. Phil looks up to the sky.
Phil: How exactly do you summon a parado--Whoop, here we go.
A beam of green light peers down from the heavens
Theme Song From Nowhere: Read the words that are written in their face
Why believe them? (Why believe them?)
It's a shame for fame you lost your head
A careless man could wind up dead
You wear your sin like it's some kind of prize
Too many lies (Too many lies)
Down from the beam of light comes down the pale, green-and-black trunks wearing, celtic-cross wearing ginger-haired and goatee'd Sheamus. Eyes closed. He slowly drops to the snow, and opens his eyes.
Sheamus
Phil: Oh Lord Sheamus! We need your help!
The Genome Soldier is looking on, confused
Soldier: What the fuck?!
Sheamus: Why's he got a gun to the lads head? What the fook am I doing in a blizzard? It's fooking freezing out here, y'know!
Silence. Karab elbows the guard in the stomach, ducks below the gun and scuttles towards the mercenaries. The soldier points the gun at Sheamus.
Sheamus: Ahh..you guys the mercenaries? Fucking causing the weird shit...Well, ok..
Sheamus rushes forward and slaps the gun out of the soldiers hand, wrapping an arm over his neck, lifting him up and slamming him back-first onto his knee
Matt Striker (From Reality): THE IRISH CURSE!!! MY GOD, HE HIT IT! THIS ONES OVER!
Silence. The soldiers spine snaps with a sickening crunch and Sheamus rolls him off his knee, standing up and turning to the mercenaries.
Sheamus: Got your number, lads....Now can you send me back before I Curse the lot of yah?!?!
Silence.
Phil: I...don't know how..Oh, there we go
Sheamus disappears in a flash of green light
Frank: Sweeeeet...
They all turn to the Nuclear Warhead Storage.
Lynch: Ok guys..fun and games are over..it's time that we go meet..OUR DESTINY!!
Silence. Everyone turns to Lynch.
Lynch: ....or just move on past this long-delayed update?
Vince: Not our fault. Maybe if more people got off their fucking asses and commented!
Frank: Guys, can we not break the fourth wall and create a bigger paradox?!
Vince: Oh yeah, well I got something to say!
Vince turns to the computer screen, as well as Jericho, Ivan, Bob and Dave
Vince: All you people who visit but don't comment, or only comment on one story! Yeah! I'm talking to YOU! Yeah, YOU! You son of a bitch! FUCK! YOU!
Frank: Uhh..guys, do we really want to upset the viewers?
Bob: FUCK YOU!
Dave: FUCK YOU WITH A CAPITAL FUCK AND A CAPITAL YOU!
Jericho: COMMENT YOU FUCKS! COMMENT!
Ivan: COMMENT NOW!!!
Frank: Uh, guys, we really don't want to--
Lynch: Fuck this.
He snaps his fingers.The screen turns black.
Re-opens.
The mercenaries, now having finished their somewhat bizarre tirade, are back to facing the huge steel, snow-blasted door of Warhead Storage.
Lynch: And on! we! go!
Jericho: Sorted!
They all start to walk towards the door in very-slo-motion, with looks of grim determination on their face. Daves head slowly looks down at his feet moving about 0.000000000000001mm a second, and raises an eyebrow
Dave:
The other mercenaries keep walking, but start to look around...Very slowly.
Frank
Phil
The mercenaries all laugh..Which, in slow motion, sounds deeply demented.
Sal
The slow motion walk stops and they start to walk at normal speed towards the Nuclear Warhead Storage
Will: This is becoming pure fucking insanity.
As they walk towards the door, they don't notice the blue zap behind them. Even stranger, they don't hear the massive thud, nor do they see the huge chassis of Crying Wolf, having been summoned from another Time Paradox, land behind them. Wolfs chassis sniffs the ground, and looks up at them, sitting on its hind legs and growling.
Steve: Anyone else have the feeling we're being watched?
Frank: Oh, please! What could possibly be watching us?!
The wolf lets out a small, crying chuckle
-COMING SOON: Part V-
With our Mercenaries safely past the Snowfield, they march on into Warhead storage, where they have yet to notice the most bizzare of Paradoxes appear behind them, in the form of a crazy woman pretending she's a mechanical wolf! Will the other Units make an appearance? Will the mercenaries be held hostage by their workmates? Will Sheamus re-appear to deal moor o'thee Irish Cuuurse to thee enemies o' thee mercenaries? Tune in next time and find out, along with a bloody hallway, Otaku who piss their pants, Lack of music, swaying asses of give-awayness and more!
