The scene opens with Frank holding a torch under his chin, sitting in dark blackness. The light illuminates his face and shadows it, giving it an eerie look.
Frank: As I sit here, alone and cold. My eyes flicker across the ground. There is nothing but an expansive blackness reaching out to me. My ears twitch at the nearest source of noise. There is none. Ever since my men left, there has nothing but an obsolete silence and blackness that has struck town. Boredom has struck us remaining residents. Everyone is gone. If the PMCs struck tomorrow, they would have no targets. This town is a ghost town. We're not here, not even me--
Mantis turns the light on and looks, blankly, at Frank under a large duvet in the middle of the living room.
Frank: As the light goes on, my eyes perk up, my senses wild. There is an intruder in the midst, I slowly draw my Bowie knife with its ivory handle and--
Mantis: Jesus fucking christ, Frank, did you get at the bleach again?
Silence.
Frank: ...No. I'm just lonely.
Mantis walks over and grabs the cover, throwing it off him, revealing a pale Frank, his moustache unkempt and bags under his eyes
Mantis: You need some alcohol. And fast.
Frank: NO! I need my mercenaries! WHERE ARE THEY?!
The door opens and Bob and Octopus walk in, hand in hand
Octopus: Wow! Frank! You should really see the world! Spring is beautiful! The blossoms are opening, the birds are singing--
Frank: WHERE ARE MY MERCENARIES?!
Bob: Jeez, Frank, we just visited Vince and Brick..They're building a new tower in Dubai!
Octopus: I..don't think its supposed to be upside down though..
Bob: Pah! Its kitsch! Those Dubai people have built underwater hotels!
Octopus: And then we went to see Phil on site at Hadrians Wall! He's an archaeologist now, you know! He's been digging up lots of stuff!
Bob: I still say he planted that two hundred year old iPod though..
Octopus: And then, we caught a show from Wolf and Steve! Wow! Its pretty good! Such comedy--
Bob: Yes, a sort of..hilariously uncomical slapstick, if you will
Octopus: And we arrived home for tea! Which is why we need you to get the fuck out, Frank.
Frank: WHAT?!
Bob holds up a DVD
Bob: We bought Wills new DVD
Frank: So?
Bob: It's WILLS. new. DVD.
Frank: ....OH SWEET MOTHER OF MARY!!
Bob: Thats right..
Bob reads from the blurb on the back
Bob: '180 minutes of raw, adulterated porno action. See the mammoth Will battle Screaming Raven with his ten inch--'
Frank unsheaths his knife
Frank: Finish that sentence and i'll cut you, boy.
Octopus: Well, i'm horny and i'm not leaving til I get some!
Frank and Mantis look at eachother
Mantis: I..think we should leave
Frank: NO! I WAS BORN IN THIS HELLHOLE! I'M LIVING IN THIS HELLHOLE!
Mantis: You were born in Arizona, Frank.
Silence. Mantis walks over and grabs Franks leg, dragging him out. Frank digs his nails into the carpet, pulling it up
Frank: BASTARDS! CUNTS! ASSHOLES! FUCKERS! I WILL HAVE MY REEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEnnnnngggeee.....
Mantis drags him out and shuts the door. They watch as Octopus draws the curtains and Frank stands up, looking at Mantis
Frank: So..what now?
Mantis: The only thing we can do: Get your sanity back.
Mantis tears off her catsuit, revealing lacy black lingerie and leans against the wall the door is on
Mantis: Take me.
Frank stops, staring at her.
Frank: ...Seriously?
Mantis: Take me now.
Frank: Uhh..what if they..see? Hear?
Mantis: I don't care. Take me.
Frank: Take you where? Drinking? Get your coat, you've pulled--
Mantis: FRANK DANIELS! YOU PULL DOWN YOUR PANTS AND SCREW ME THIS INSTANT!
Silence. Tom Morello, Zack De La Rocha, Timmy C, Brad Wilks, Jay Cutler, Johnny Cash and Ken Shamrock who were walking by stop and stare, pale-faced.
Wilks: Oh..sweet..God..
Cutler: Lets all just back away..calmly.
Mantis: GODDAMMIT FRANK! DO I HAVE TO FINGER MYSELF?!
Morello: JESUS CHRIST!! RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS!!!!
They all run off, screaming wildly and flailing their arms. Frank simply stands there, staring
Franks brain: What I wouldn't do for a bolt of lightning right now..
Frank shuts his eyes tightly. Silence. He opens one eye and looks up at the sky, desperate
Mantis: Oh, for Gods sake.
Mantis leans forward and presses his lips violently against hers, pulling her body close to hers and grabbing his pants
Mantis: Get a boner. Now.
Frank: I-I get stage fright!
Mantis: NOW!
Frank: Ok..
Silence. Waiting.
Mantis: WELL?!
Frank: BE PATIENT! I'M TRYING MY BEST TO GET A BONER!
*Somewhere in Dubai*
Vince and Brick are sitting on a girder, eating sandwiches. They stop after they hear the word boner and vomit noisily onto the ground. Vince claws at his ears
Vince: SOMEBODY LIQUIFY MY BRAIN!!!
*Somewhere in New Mexico*
We see Stoofer walking into a liquor store, wearing a balaclava and carrying a polished walking stick as a fake weapon. He steps in and collapses instantly.
Cashier: Whats with him?
*Back in the Middle East*
Mantis: NOW!
Silence.
Frank: Ok, I've got it.
Mantis: Really?
FranK: YES YOU IMPATIENT BITCH! ARE YOU HAPPY THAT I'M GOING TO FUCKING SCREW YOU AGAINST MY WILL?!?!?!
*Somewhere in Britain*
We see Phil digging at a mound of dirt with a pickaxe. His ears twitch and he picks up the pickaxe, pressing it against his ear. A helper runs along and takes the pickaxe off him
Phil: NO!! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYMORE!! SHOOT ME! PLEASE!
*Somewhere in Area 51*
We see Tavi, sitting on a chair surrounded by government agents, linked up to a heart-rate monitor
Agent One: So..Where is your kind from?
Tavi: Hum baby!
Her ears twitch and the heartbeats start getting faster
Agent Two: Must be some alien superdrug!
*Back in the Middle East. AGAIN.*
Mantis: Ok, Frank, grin and bear it
Frank: OH MY GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--
*In Heaven*
Johnny Cash and the Rat Pack stop playing Poker
Cash: Poor bastard. Never stood a chance.
They shrug, mutter in agreement and go back to their game
**
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--
*In the O2 Arena in London*
Steve: And so the farmer said to the--You hear that?
Silence. Crowd start laughing.
Wolf: Frank must be getting it again! Ahh..I remember when Phil used to do that--
Steve: ...Oh sweet mother of Jiminy Cricket!!
**
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--
*Somewhere near Hadrians Wall, we see Jericho at the site of the dig*
Jericho: So, Phil, hearing things again?
Silence.
Phil: Proof.
Jericho takes a puff of his cigar and tosses it to the ground
Jericho: Holy fucking shit, its a paradox!!
**
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--
*In a mental asylum*
We see Sal in a straitjacket, sitting on his bed and reading Moby Dick, turning the pages with his feet. Silence. He looks up.
Sal: ..Could sense that coming
**
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mantis: YES! JUST LIKE THAT!
Mercenaries Around The World: OH SWEET JESUS!! MY EARS!!
