Last time on our character specials, we met Frank the alcoholic, Dave the absolute psychotically deluded maniac, Bob the unluckiest man to ever try and be reasonable, and Will who spent half the story shagging women.
Now that we've crossed that hurdle, it's time to meet the extras. The so-called "Guys", those unknown soldiers who think that having a lack of name makes them mysterious and cool. That Hispanic Guy, That Random Guy and, who else?, That Other Random Guy
How do they make a living? Are they party boys--uh, guys? What BATB member will be seen this time? Will we see more people from past shows intruding shamelessly for air time?
Read and weep!
==
As yet another day breaks, sunset creeps silently through the windows in the upper floor of the Lamb and Flag where the hotel guests stayed. However, many guests did more than stay..they practically lived there by paying rent to the barkeep, Dick Head. Of these few, 3 slept in the 1 room. That Hispanic Guy, That Random Guy, and That Random Other Guy. Each on, before you get the wrong idea, slept in seperate single beds, paid for by themselves as Dick was too cheap to help. That Hispanic Guy slowly rolls out of his and onto his knees, pulling on a blue dressing gown and slipping into a pair of white fuzzy slippers. He walked beside That Random Guys bed and grabbed his water glass from his bedside table before walking into the bathroom. That Random Guy rolled over in bed and smashed his hand of the bedside table reaching for the glass
That Random Guy: FUCK! MY HAND!
That Hispanic Guy: Stop whining ya big baby! I need some water to style my 'tache!
That Random Guy: Why mine?
That Hispanic Guy: Cause you're an asshole!
That Random Guy: So are you!
That Hispanic Guy: Ah ah ah! I said it first!
That Other Random Guy (Sleepily): Will you two SHUT UP?!
That Hispanic Guy: SHUT UP YOU PENDEJO!!!!!!!
Dick Head (Coming up stairs) WILL YOU LOT KEEP IT DOWN?!
Steve (From downstairs): LOUD NOISES!!!
Silence.
That Hispanic Guy: Fuck you
That Random Guy: Well..fuck you t--
That Hispanic Guy: Learn the unwritten rule, cockbag! I said it first, so that means it applies to solely to you!
That Random Guy: Well you’re a--
That Hispanic Guy: Studmuffin
That Random Guy: I was gonna say--
That Hispanic Guy: Unwritten rule two, interceptions means it’s doubly true.
That Random Guy: We--Ah--Yo--FUCK YOU!
That Hispanic Guy: You wish!
That Random Guy: No chance, I’m not gay!
That Hispanic Guy: And even if I was, *BEEP*, I’d like to think I could do better than you.
Instantly, Tom Morello kicks the door off its hinges and stands on top of it, pointing at That Random Guy
Morello: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURNED!!!!!!!!
Silence.
Morello: ...Burned.
Morello laughs and does a little toe-tap dance before running downstairs
That Random Guy: That was random
That Hispanic Guy: Well, you’re just gay
Sound of running feet up the stairs
That Random Guy: NO MORELLO! I WAS NOT BURNED!
Silence. Sound of feet going back downstairs.
That Hispanic Guy: Freakin’ idiotas..
He walks into the bathroom and out instantly, handing JThat Random Guy the cup of now-yellow water. That Random Guy looks at it
That Random Guy: Did you pee in this?
That Hispanic Guy: Of course............
That Random Guy: Of course not?
That Hispanic Guy: No, of course I did
That Random Guy: Bitch.
That Hispanic Guy walks towards the door, but stays in the room for a second
That Hispanic Guy: *BEEP*, do you want breakfast?
That Random Guy: Yeah!
Silence.
That Hispanic Guy: Go get it yourself pendejo!
That Random Guy: You can never treat me to breakfast in bed, can you??!!!
That Other Random Guy sits up in bed, staring at them both.
That Other Random Guy: I now pronounce you husband and husband! Who's kissing the husband?!
Silence.
That Hispanic Guy: Fuck you!
That Hispanic Guy leaves the room scowling
That Other Random Guy: He's running from his white wedding! Come back, you blushing bri--
That Hispanic Guy runs back in with his trusty bullwhip. He snaps it at That Other Random Guy who screams and falls out of bed, wearing only loveheart boxers. That Hispanic Guy hops onto the bed and whips him again, That Other Random Guy screams and runs to the door, being chased by the bullwhip-snapping That Hispanic Guy. That Hispanic Guy chases him downstairs, screaming at the top of his lungs. Frank opens the door and stares at the half-naked body of That Other Random Guy coming at him in slow motion.
Dramatic music.
Frank opens his mouth to scream, but That Other Random Guy jumps onto him, screaming in pain. Frank lays there, frightened
Frank: HELP! I'M BEING RAPED BY AN UGLY MANPIG! HELP! HEEEEELLLPPPPP!!!!
That Other Random Guy: I'M BEING WHIPPED!!! HELP!!!
Sound of retching from the next-door Dog and Handgun and Half Moon. Al runs out of the Half Moon with a fire extinguisher and sprays it at That Other Random Guy, covering him in white foam. That Hispanic Guy hisses and steps backwards.
That Other Random Guy: I'M COVERED IN A STICKY WHITE FOAM!
Frank: SO AM I!!!
Phil calmly walks by. He hears this and looks at them. They look back at him.
Phil: 2 men...covered in white foam..
He remains silent, blinking rapidly.
Phil: I saw everything.
He walks backwards away from them. That Other Random Guy jumps up, chasing after That Hispanic Guy.
==
Despite being so early on, many customers where in the bar ordering breakfast. Dick was standing behind the bar polishing pint glasses, while many people were satat the tables on the red-cushioned seats. That Hispanic Guy walked towards the bar, but the glint of a camera caught his eye
That Hispanic Guy: Here so early, Jimmy?
Jimmy the Cameraman: Indeedy-do! I need to interview you!
That Hispanic Guy: Well..For one, I am NOT revealing my real name!
Jimmy the Cameraman: Why?!
That Hispanic Guy: Only a handful of people know it, and I will keep it that way! Fuck the readers! Hispanic number one!
The worlds hugest mercenary, Obese Maurice holds up one finger. That Hispanic Guy grabs the camera and points it at Maurice, who is tucking into a fried full English Breakfast
That Hispanic Guy: SEE?! THE NEW GUY AGREES!!
Obese Maurice nods, as Moe The Midget climbs up a stool and sits on it. That Hispanic Guy jerks the camera down and pans into Moes face
That Hispanic Guy: MOE?! YOU AGREE?! HISPANIC NUMBAH WAN??!!!
Moe, slightly disturbed, nods slowly
That Hispanic Guy: SEE! THE MERCENARY MIDGET AGREES! ANOTHER NEW GUY! EAT THAT!
Jimmy the Cameraman: O...k..Why are you wearing a dressing gown?
That Hispanic Guy: Why not?
A few people were staring at the fact that the dressing gown barely covered his knees and hairy legs
That Hispanic Guy: Screw them, i'm sexy--
Dick: You're fucking hairy and scary!
That Hispanic Guy: Fuck you, Dick!
Jimmy coughs. That Hispanic Guy gives a cheeky grin and looks at the camera
That Hispanic Guy: Hi! I live here! I like you! I like sex! I feel good, look great and love you long time!
Jimmy: O.O
That Hispanic Guy smirks and points around
That Hispanic Guy: Everyone here? I know what their thinking..
In Wolfs mind she's being cradled by Phil in a black-and-white film
Wolf: Kiss me..Kiss me like i've never been kissed before!
In Phils mind, he was sitting in a hammock holding an elephant rifle while smoking a cigar and Steve walks by
Steve: But, master, how did you manage to kill her from 200 yards out?
Phil: Great shot!
In Obese Maurices mind, he’s monitoring a running line of Cadbury Dairy Milk bars in a factory
Worker: Mister Maurice! We need testing! A batch looks weird!
Obese Maurice takes off his goggles slowly
Maurice: Let’s rock.
In Dick Heads mind, he’s tending a bar at the Hilton
Dick: I’M ON TOP OF THE WORLD!!
He grabs a bottle of Armagnac and polishes it, kissing it lovingly
In Franks mind, Frank bathing in a swimming pool of whiskey
Frank: I AM ALIIIVVEEE!!!!!!!!
In Daves mind, he's sitting in the middle of a battlefield reading Readers Digest surrounded by dead bodies
Dave: I'll say, tips for cleaning stubborn bloodstains!
In Steves mind.
. . .
In Samoa Joes mind:
Don West: AND SAMOA JOE IS TNA CHAMPION HAVING JUST LITERALLY KILLED KURT ANGLE!!!
Samoa Joe is standing with one foot on Kurt Angles headless corpse holding the title up high
Samoa Joe: Cool.
That Hispanic Guy sits at a table with Frank and Will and gives the thumbs up
That Hispanic Guy: I love these guys! Wills as big as stud as me..and Frank? Well..
Frank gives a childish giggle and falls out of his chair, clutching a jug of rum
That Hispanic Guy: Middle-aged, drunk and crazy, I wouldn't call it the best combination!
Will slaps his hand against his forehead as Frank crawls back up to his seat
Will: Frank..what would your dad think if he could see this?
Frank: He'd think I was a pussy.
Will: ._.
That Random Guy walks down the stairs and the cameraman hops up, going towards him.
That Hispanic Guy: Where are you going?
Jimmy the Cameraman: To interview this guy!
That Hispanic Guy: ehh..go..no-one will miss ya..
Will hurls a condom full of water at him and Jimmy screams, following That Random Guy out of the bar
That Random Guy: Uhh..hello?
Jimmy the Cameraman: Tell us about yourself!
That Random Guy: You'll never know my name, my age, my date of birth, my place of birth, my blood type. I like to work on cars, and that is all you need to know!
Jimmy the Cameraman: Be nicer!
That Random Guy: No!
They stop in front of Liquid Ocelot
That Random Guy: Ocelot.
Liquid Ocelot: *Beep*.
That Random Guy: I have a question..
Liquid Ocelot: Yeah?
That Random Guy: Why are you stabbing that man repeatedly in the face?
Liquid Ocelot drops the dead guy and the knife from out of nowhere
Liquid Ocelot: ...No reason
That Random Guy: Are you going to take--
Liquid Ocelot runs off with the dead guys gold rings
That Random Guy: MOTHERFUCKER!!
Jimmy the Cameraman: So..you're a mechanic?
That Random Guy: Weeeell..
They walk through a large metal sliding door and That Other Random Guy appears, clutching a wrench and hands That Random Guy a welding mask
That Other Random Guy: Ok, there's a beautiful Ferrari Enzo needs chopping up for parts, can you do that?
That Random Guy: I'm not a retard!
That Other Random Guy: Yesterday, you used a fucking blowtorch on a FULL PETROL TANK!
That Random Guy: ...Wasn't my fault..
That Random Guy walks past a group of mechanics huddled around a black Audi TT
Jimmy the Cameraman: So..you guys are mechanics, right? Making an honest living?
The mechanics stop and laugh before returning to work
That Other Random Guy: Hell no! We steal cars, chop them into pieces and sell them to Drebin! And occasionally, we'll send car parts to other countries, or even keep the cars!
Jimmy the Cameraman: ..Oh, cme on! Someone in this fucking town must make a decent, honest living!
A huge bald mechanic walks over to Jimmy and folds his arms, growling
That Other Random Guy: Calm down, Johan...Look, Jimmy, don't interview me..interview someone else! I like cars, women, booze, drugs, and everything classed as illegal..now leave me be, will ya?
Johan picks up Jimmy and throws him into the street, slamming down the metal sliding door. Jimmy scuttles up and turns around to see Steve standing on a street corner, looking shifty
Jimmy the Cameraman: What are you doing, Steve?
Steve: ...Nothing
Jimmy the Cameraman: Come on! What crazy, insane, and possibly illegal job do you do?!
Steve pulls a bunch of balloons out of his overcoat
Steve: I...sell balloons..
Jimmy stands there before laughing loudly
Jimmy the Cameraman: You..sell..balloons?
Steve: I'm a nice, calm, collected guy..
Jimmy the Cameraman: Oh my god! You're a balloon seller?!
Steve: Hey, my Mustang tells me i'm doing a great job!
Jimmy the Cameraman: That is so lame! Mustangs are so old!
Steves eyes twitches and he lets out a hulk-like yell before charging at Jimmy
Steve: STEVE SMASH!!
Steve picks up Jimmy in a never-before seen feat of strength and hurls him into the top floor of the mechanics workshop where the sound of drilling and screaming is heard, followed by large hissing
That Random Guy: AH FUCK!!!
That Other Random Guy: WHATS UP UP THERE?!
That Random Guy: I JUST DRILLED AND GALVANIZED JIMMY THE CAMERAMAN!!!
Silence.
That Other Random Guy: PULL HIM OUT! WE CAN SELL HIM TO DREBIN!
Steve: :)
==
As the clock struck 1, the mechanics all rushed out of the workshop to eat Lunch. That Random Guy and That Other Random Guy rushed out to see That Hispanic Guy walking down the street clutching a chicken sandwich
That Random Guy: Mmm..chicken..
A Gekkou slowly walks over and looks down at That Hispanic Guy
That Hispanic Guy: My sandwich! NOT YOURS! MINE! BACK PUTO!
The Gekkou towers over the 3 mercenaries and lets out its animalistic sound, towering directly over That Other Random Guy
That Other Random Guy: Well then, It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum, it seems i'm all outta gum!!
The Gekko looks down at him and dribbles green liquid onto him
That Other Random Guy: .....That's nasty!
That Random Guy: Ooo...Gekkou goo!
That Hispanic Guy reaches for his bullwhip, but the Gekkou raises a foot above him, he rolls his eyes and stops
That Other Random Guy: So how do we beat this one?
That Random Guy pulls out a Rugby ball and throws it at the head of the Gekko. The Gekko collapses backwards instantly. That Hispanic Guys jaw drops.
That Hispanic Guy: But--that was just--and you--
That Random Guy shrugs and picks up the Rugby ball
That Random Guy: What can I say? I was a rugby player back in the days. It obviously recognized my awesomeness and collapsed
Wakka: Or it could be tha tiny pieces of chaff attached to it and tha fact you hit the machina in its sensory unit, brudda?
Silence. All 3 of them turn to the tall-haired, muscular Blitzball player from Final Fantasy X, Wakka.
Staring.
Wakka: What?
Silence.
Wakka: Yeah, I'm not supposed tah be here, big deal!
Silence. That Random Guy reaches for the Rugby Ball at his hip. Wakka stares into his eyes and reaches for the Blitzball at his hip. A tumbleweed randomly rolls along the sandy streets.
That Hispanic Guy: Ho shit! A showdown!
That Hispanic Guy and That Other Random Guy quickly run into the Lamb and Flag, which has randomly turned into a Saloon, running in through the swinging doors. Crying Wolf, wearing a busty, purple-silk burlesque dancers outfit with large peacock feathers in her hair, stands outside the Lamb and Flag
Crying Wolf (Thick American Accent): Oh gawd! It's a showdown!
Phil walks outside, blinking
Phil: What the hells going on?
He looks down, noticing he's wearing leather chaps, black waistcoat, a gunslingers belt and cowboy boots with large silver spurs on them.
Phil: Cool.
Frank wanders out, wearing suspenders, pants and a tatty white shirt, clutching a large jug of rum
Frank: Itsh a showdown!!!
Everyone watches from the window, randomly wearing cowboy attire. Wakka stares at That Random Guy, who's chewing a toothpick.
They slowly reach for their balls.
That Random Guy quickly grabs his ball and hurls it, the same time Wakka hurls his ball. Both men get hit at the same time, and both fall to the ground, knocked unconscious.
Phil: Darn-tooting! It was a tie!
Phil throws his hat to the floor. The whole Saloon explodes in whooping and six-shooter fire, before a huge blue flash appears. The town is back to normal, and only That Random Guy is lying on the floor. That Hispanic Guy runs over to him.
That Hispanic Guy: *BEEP*, are you ok-- Oh god..Eww..nasty..he's choking on his tongue..eww...EWWW!!
Frank: What the fuck ish going on?
Frank turns to Dick, who's suddenly grown a pencil-thin curly moustache and is polishing the sides of rum jugs
Frank: o.O...
==
As night rolled into the mercenaries home, the morons rolled out to The Lamb and Flag or the Half Moon. The 2 drinking spots were the highlights of the town, and typically attracted a huge amount of attention. In the top floor of the Lamb and Flag, That Random Guy was pulling on a cheap three-piece suit in his room. That Hispanic Guy entered his room wearing a silk purple suit
That Random Guy: Does this suit make me look fat?
That Hispanic Guy: Of course not!
That Random Guy: Thanks *Beep*!
That Hispanic Guy: Your face does.
That Hispanic Guy laughs and quickly runs out as That Random Guy hurls a lamp towards him. That Other Random strolls downstairs and stands in the middle of the staircase. His eyes slowly scan the packed bar. He walks down the stairs and sits at the bar on a stool next to a Praying Mantis PMC Trooper
PMC Trooper: I am sho depreshed..
That Other Random Guy: Really?
PMCTrooper: All we do ish have camo appearances..And we die!! DIE!!
That Other Random Guy simply shrugs
That Other Random Guy: You're not as cute as the FROGs, either
The PMC Trooper roars in rage and looks at the ceiling......then collapses to the ground drunk. Moe the Midget walks along, climbs onto the troopers back and onto the stool
Moe: Hey, *BEEP*!
That Other Random Guy: Hiya Tiny!
Dick: Umm..don't, *BEEP*?
That Other Random Guy: wh--
Moe jumps onto the bar and smashes That Other Random Guys head off the counter, sending him to the ground with a broken nose
Dick: Nice work Moe, his nose squashed like a tomato!
Moe: No problem Dicky, now get me a pint!
That Hispanic Guy strolled down the stairs and looked around, grinning to himself
That Hispanic Guy: Alllright..People..
He walks over to a table where Will, Frank, Bob, Laughing Octopus, Steve and a hooded figure were seated
Will: Hi *Beep*!
That Hispanic Guy sits down and looks at the figure
That Hispanic Guy: Who's he?
Steve: Phil! It's just *Beep*!
The figure pulls his hood down to reveal a shifty-eyed Phil
Phil: I swear to God if she sees me, I'm taking you all down with me!
Bob: It's ok Phil, Octopus is the only--
The door of the bar flings open and a tired-looking Crying Wolf walks in. Phil quickly pulls the hood over his head.
Frank: Hey..you heard about Snake?
Will: ..Yeah, Why?
Frank: I heard one of our mercenaries accidentally shot at him, so he's going mad and killing them!
Will: Ahhh..crap.
Phil: Shall I go get him?
Bob: Now why would you want to do that?
Phil turns his head slightly and watches as Crying Wolfs eyes scan the room, looking depressed. She sees the hooded figure and tilts her head.
We see the view from under Phils hood. The sound of a steady heartbeat. Wolf tilts her head further and steps towards the figure slowly. With each step, Phils heartbeat starts getting quicker and harder. She reaches the table, and his heart starts thumping rapdly. She grabs the hood and pulls it down, grinning insanely. Phil flatlines. The view collapses onto the floor.
Frank: Oh fuck! He's blue! He forgot to breath!
Frank starts giving CPR Chest Massages to Phil.
Wolf: French Kiss of Life!
Wolf leans down and kisses Phil roughly, passionately and with sloppy tongues. Phils eyes shoot open and he starts choking. Wolf breaks the kiss and he shoots up onto his seat, clutching his seat. Bob shrugs
Bob: Seriously..why would anyone want to confront a legendary hero?
Phil, breathing heavily, stares at Bob
Phil: Because...I welcome death!
Crying Wolf bounces up and down, clapping her hands giddily
Crying Wolf: Hi honey!
She pulls a seat next to him. Phil starts smacking his head off the table.
Steve: Poor guy, the only reason he's standing is because where there's pain, there's life..
Phil looks up and grabs a bottle by the neck
Phil: WELL HOW'D YOU LIKE TO FEEL REALLY ALIVE, STEVE?!
Crying Wolf: Phil! Be nice or you won't get to see..these..
She points to her chest and Phil gives a sarcastic laugh
Phil: Oh gee..no sex, I guess i'll just have to live..
Laughing Octopus snorts and Wolf shrugs
Crying Wolf: How are you doing Occy?
Octopus: Great..trying for a baby..
Wolf: Ohhhhhh!! Good luck!
Bob gives a cocky look, raising his eyebrows. Frank looks at him and laughs.
Frank: It's the beginning of the end of your life. Don't sugarcoat it.
That Hispanic Guy smirks and Octopus scowls. That Random Guy walks down the stairs, sitting at a table with Samoa Joe, AJ Styles, Chuck Liddell, Sal and Vince
Samoa Joe: Hi guy..
Sal: The irony is a killer here.
AJ Styles looks sideways at Sal
AJ Styles: o.O
Sal: Don't make me hurt you, AJ.
AJ pouts and returns to drinking his pint of lager from a straw
That Random Guy: So...what's the plan for tomorrow?
Chuck Liddell: Well, I have a fight to go to which should pocket me enough earnings to buy every one of you.
Samoa Joe: Me and AJ have a TNA show to go to where we will get a big enough to paycheck to buy this bar!
Vince: Snakes killed quite a few fellow mercenaries, remember Mike?
Sal: Yeah?
Vince: Well, when he said he was ready to die, he wasn't joking, trying to take on Liquid Ocelot in the battle of the quick-draw
That Random Guy: Wasn't he the one with the gold watch?
Sal makes a mental note
Sals brain: Gold..watch, you say? That should get me some money from Drebin!
Sal: Indeed!
The table looks at him
Sals brain: You said that out loud, idiot!
Sal: Sorry..
That Random Guy: So this is our life away from the actual story? Looting bodies, drinking, eating and sleeping?
Vince: Good life, isn't it?
That Random Guy: Damn straight!
They hi-5 as That Other Random Guy finally gets to his feet and stumbles towards the door. He walks out of the bar, and looks at where a spotlight is shining on a copy of Playboy
That Other Random Guy: Alright! PORNO!
That Random Guy: No, *BEEP*! It's a trap!
That Other Random Guy runs and skids on his knees towards the magazine
That Other Random Guy: Mmmm...boobies..
Snake pops out of a nearby alley, wearing black facepaint, and starts to choke him
That Other Random Guy: GAAAACCKK!!!
Snake: You should have never fell into my trap!
That Other Random Guy falls back slightly, but Snake twists him so his body faces the floor and squats over him choking him. Frank looks up and chokes on his pint, pointing frantically
Frank: OH MY GOD! HE'S HUMPING *BEEP*!!!
Snake: No i'm not!
Wolf looks out the window
Wolf: Ooo..Phil..how come you never do that to me?
Phil remains silent
Wolf: I bet you could--
Phil gives her a seething look
Wolf: Don't act like you don't enjoy it!
Phil: Because it's not acting!!!!
That Random Guy pulls out a bottle and throws it at Snake who dodges it asThat Other Random Guy turns blue
Sal: He should NOT be turning that colour!
Snake looks around and quickly turns on his Octocamo, dropping That Other Random Guy and running into the alley. That Hispanic Guy gets up from his table and runs outside
That Hispanic Guy: *BEEP*? Why did Snake go?
Screaming Mantis floats above a building behind That Hispanic Guy. That Other Random Guy looks up, gasping for breath
That Other Random Guy: Umm..*beep*..Behind you..
That Hispanic Guy: I CAN HEAR YOU!!
Screaming Mantis simply hovers over him, casting a huge shadow
That Hispanic Guy: Oh bugger.
She screeches loudly and That Hispanic Guy pulls out his bullwhip
That Hispanic Guy: Comos deas, bitch!
She simply hovers by over him, screeching loudly
That Hispanic Guy: Has the writer lost it? What is going on?
That Other Random Guy: THAT!!
The whole bar is at the windows now, watching as 6 Gekkous stand in the middle of the street
Steve: Ah monkey poo.
That Random Guy runs out
That Random Guy: WE SHALL DIE TOGETHER!!!
The Gekkous turn to face the noise and start slowly walking towards them. The bar watches intently as That Other Random Guy holds up that Random Guy in front of him
That Random Guy: Pardon my French, *beep*, but you're an asshole.
That Other Random Guy: I know.
2 Gekkous slowly inch forward until a smash is heard and one of them collapses. Johnny Cash lands in front of them with a broken guitar
Johnny Cash: I knew you guys needed some help, so I brought in..
Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr. walk out of an allety, wearing their famous tuxedos. The rest of the Gekkous walk forward
Crying Wolf: Who are they?
Phil looks at her in disbelief
Phil: IT'S THE RAT PACK YOU NINNY OF A WOMAN!!
Sal: My God..The Rat Pack..These cameo appearances just get better and better!
AJ Styles gives a small whimper and Vince slaps him
Vince: Shut up AJ! The Rat Pack is infinitely better than you!
Dean Martin: Let's show these guys how we did it in our day..
Frank Sinatra pulls out a tommy gun and starts riddling two Gekkous with bullets. Dean martin climbs up onto one and starts smashing his microphone deeper into its head. Sammy Davis Jr. simply stands there
Samoa Joe: Why is he just standing there?
A Gekkou stomps forward and Sammy Davis Jr. stares at it until it collapses into pieces
Phil: The Sammy Davis Death Stare!
Another Gekkou runs forward and smashes into That Other Random Guy before That Hispanic Guy pulls out his whip and trips up the Gekkou. That Random Guy climbs onto its back, pulls open its back panel and tears out random wires. That Other Random Guy comes to.
That Other Random Guy: I stood in front of a light which was attached to a hella lotta metal..
That Hispanic Guy: That's a Gekkou, *Beep*, you're not supposed to stand in front of it, and you're supposed to FUCKING MOVE WHEN IT CHARGES YOU!!!
Samoa Joe jumps down from a roof top and grabs the Gekkous neck in a Coquina Clutch
Samoa Joe: TAP BITCH!!
Sal: Wait a sec--
AJ Styles jumps from the roof too and lands on a Gekkou before hitting it with a Styles Clash
Vince: DAYUM!
One Gekkou tries to run, but Dean Martin swings his microphone and hurls it, striking the Gekkou on the head and causing it to fall to pieces. The last Gekkou tries to stumble off, but Sinatra simply riddles it with bullets until it collapses and sets on fire.
Frank Sinatra: Can we return to the Heaven bar now?
Johnny Cash shrugs and they disappear in a blue haze
Sal: Phenomenal..
That Random Guy shrugs and looks at his watch
That Random Guy: We still have time for a pint in the Half Moon, what do you say?
That Other Random Guy: Yeaahhh..
That Hispanic Guy, That Random Guy and That Other Random Guy walk towards the Half Moon in the distance
That Other Random Guy: So we finally have a happy ending!
Behind them, Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin are dragging a Gekkou in the net
Gekko: Grreeehhh...CREEEHHH!!!
Sabin: Shut up cuntface!
Shelley: Hey, Sabin, what do you think it's saying?
Sabin: Probably calling for its Mommy!
They laugh until a gigantic Gekko lands down
Sabin: Ah bugger.
Shelley: You are one..ugly..motherfucker..
The camera turns black.
Suddenly we hear the sound of footsteps and the camera turns back as we see Frank walking across the sandy streets, looking around
Frank: Ahh...A happy ending!
He pulls a pint out from inside his jacket and cackles loudly. He turns around and falls back
Frank: OH NO! NOT YOU! ANYTHING! ANYONE BUT YOU!!!!
Screaming Mantis towers over him with her arms folded and her lips curled into a cruel smile
Screaming Mantis: Frank..Where have you been?
Frank: Where do you think? I was at the homeless shelter!
Screaming Mantis: How many pints today?
Frank:....Twenty
Screaming Mantis crouches down and brushes her coal-black hair out of her face
Screaming Mantis: How are you still alive?
Frank: Where there's pain, there's life..you should know that by now
Frank gives a small smile and Mantis reaches forward to slap him, but instead she grabs his foot and stands up, starting to drag him across the sands
Frank: SOMEBODY HELP!!!!!
The camera fades to black
